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Nov. 30, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore Show.
This week we celebrated Thanksgiving, or as it's now known, Black Friday Eve.
Thursday also marked the beginning of Hanukkah, giving the Festival of Lights an extremely rare opportunity to be trounced by a more secular holiday than usual.
For me, the end of November always comes with mixed feelings.
On the one hand, I'm depressed that the year is over so soon.
But on the other hand, no, that's pretty much how I feel.
Very little gets done between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day unless you consider drinking an accomplishment, which I'm starting to.
Here in Los Angeles, the holidays bring slightly cooler weather and an uneasy sense of having one last year in which to make it in show business.
With Thanksgiving, our thoughts return again and again to the importance of family, no matter how much we try to think of something else.
That's why millions of people can't wait for dinner to be over so they can go shopping.
It's easy to forget as we wander across the world with our own private concerns and agendas that the point of everything may possibly just be money.
Anyway, that would explain why, for some of us, this time of year feels empty and meaningless.
Because it is.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you, Doug.
Here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's show.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Did you have a good Thanksgiving?
I'm joined in the studio to my left, the host of Comedy Everything Else, our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Hey, Steph.
Ola Jaime.
Ha ha, thank you very much.
Next to her, hilarious comedian, former writer for the Daily Show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Ola Jaime.
Ha ha, nice.
Next to him, it's our resident Japanese man from Team Yasamura, the hilarious Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert.
Jesus be with you.
Yes, and on the phone, all the way from New York City from Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's TV's Frank, Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
Hello there.
Yay.
Okay, so let's get to some of the jokes before we get to the joke.
Hey, did you hear?
I heard that because of the big Benghazi screw-up over at 60 Minutes, that Laura Logan is being forced to take a leave of absence.
Now, I don't know if that's true or not, because I heard it on CBS News, but the point is...
Take that, CBS.
Bang, bang.
You know, they're saying that Obamacare is still going through a lot of growing pains.
They say Obamacare is Obama's Katrina.
I say it is.
If Katrina was a hurricane that didn't kill anyone and eventually helped millions of people.
Exactly.
Good joke, Frank.
Oh, and also if the president had taken responsibility for any of it.
Okay, thank you.
Nice tag to that joke.
And hey, Obama, they got the Moran nuke deal.
It's going to go through.
And, you know, Obama's Iran nuke freeze deal is facing tough criticism from the GOP neocons who were never once right about anything ever.
So I think we should really listen to them.
Yeah.
The GOP neocons, they warned that an Iran nuke deal, the one that we just got, they're warning that it will do nothing to prevent a buildup of another imaginary WMD arsenal in the Middle East.
And I think they're right about that.
I think they're right about it.
There's a very good chance that there will be another imaginary WMD buildup in the Middle East.
And by the way, last Friday, Friday, we didn't talk about it on the show, but it did mark the national, that would mark the national tragedy last November.
So it was last November 22nd, last Friday, you know, that day everybody was talking about it marked the national tragedy.
I guess there was no way to stop the new Vince Vaughan movie from opening.
Oh, if only.
If only.
If only.
Okay, coming up on today's show, we're going to look at what it looks like to be in the GOP and be asked what your health care plan is.
Once again, last week it was Sarah Palin.
This week it's Ted Cruz.
Also, the Iran deal did go through and some people are upset about it.
Give peace a chance and they want to blow it up.
Okay.
What's coming up?
Also, there's some private corporations that don't want to provide birth control to their employees in 2013.
And it's going in front of the Supreme Court.
We're going to talk about the owner of the Hobby Lobby's court.
The case goes all the way to the Supreme Court.
Plus, Danes D'Souza tweets something horrible about Trayvon Martin and John Stossel dresses up like a homeless guy to prove that I don't know what he's trying to prove, but it works.
And then Martin Bashir has a problem with Sarah Palin.
We're going to cover that because she finally responded.
Plus phone calls today from Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Benjamin Netanyahu.
And we go into the back to the classic vault.
We're going to listen to a call from Rick Perry, his first call ever into the show.
And that's from our new CD out for the holidays, White People Getting Nervous, The Best of the Jimmy Dore Show.
Hey, we're going to talk about that stuff and a lot, lot more coming up.
Coming up on today's Jameetor Show.
We'll be right back.
Best character in FT.
Jimmy Dore, it is I, Bill O'Reilly.
I want to wish you were yours a joyous Black Friday.
I don't want to hear you pinheads with your Black Friday isn't a real holiday.
That atheist Bolshevik dick spittle doesn't fly with Naomi Goldberg O'Reilly Son.
Okay.
Black Friday commemorates the day the pilgrims got great bargains on Indian land for the Lord's miracle smallpox.
And yes, just as today, many of those pilgrims died when the mall opened that first Black Friday.
Of course, back then they died of starvation and disease.
While today we symbolically kill them through trampling or hitting them with the blender at 60% off.
And by symbolically, I mean literally.
Now, you might say, Bill, why do we have to kill people on Black Friday?
And I would just say, who knows?
God is just like that.
He moves in mysterious ways.
He demands a few people die of internal bleeding at the mouth of a Walmart.
The rest of us can get incredible savings on flat screens and panini makers.
As it's traditional.
Last night, I took a crap on the sidewalk in front of a Best Buy and got in a screaming match with an Armenian lady, just as our forefathers did.
Thus begins the baby Jesus' long trip out of the whole uterus.
Back in the old days, we tracked all the Stations of married super painful labor.
Christmas Eve used to be called Crowning Day.
And we'd all wear red turtlenecks like our heads.
We're just coming out of the marriage.
But JJ.
These are all true things.
I'm Bill O'Reilly, and that's one to grow on.
Okay.
Wow.
I never heard of Crown Day.
Did you?
Crowning.
No, that's fantastic.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So John Stossel, I don't know if you know he's that fantastic.
He's that consumer news reporter for Fox News, Fox Business.
Except he puts a twist on his consumer reporting.
He's in favor of the corporations.
Very useful for them.
Yeah, he's not.
He's an anti-consumer reporter.
Yes, he's the anti-consumer reporter.
So he takes on all the tough issues.
This time, he's upset about the homeless pulling scams.
You know, you go right to the top.
So here, here he is.
I'll play a little bit.
He dressed up as a homeless person to show everybody how cool it is, I guess, it is to be homeless and how easy it is to get money if you're homeless.
So here he is, John Stossel dressing up as a homeless guy.
Here we go.
I put on a fake beard and tried begging in New York City.
You helped me, man.
People gave me money.
They gave me money when my cardboard signs said homeless and cold.
And they even gave when I changed it to need a beer.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you.
When we asked givers why they gave, people said things like this.
I don't know, that guy looked pretty needy, I suppose.
I just begged for an hour, but I did well.
I like how he has a little giggle in his voice.
He goes, I just beg for an hour.
I just beg for an hour, giggling, because there's people who actually have to beg.
I just beg for now.
I wasn't trapped outdoors living for the rest of my life in the cold.
Right.
I just came out of my million-dollar apartment on the Upper West Side, dressed as a homeless person.
But I like how he exposed these jerks on the street who have charity in their hearts.
Yes.
Yes, he's got a little bit more to say.
If I did this for an eight-hour day, I would have made $90, $23,000 for a year.
Tax-free.
Oh, see, the homeless people are scamming.
I guess that's the point.
Why else would you say it that way?
If you do it for eight hours a day, he predicts you could make $90 a day in New York City painhandling, and that's $23,000 a year.
Now, I'm guessing he doesn't take off weekends.
So if he did take or Thanksgiving, so I guess if he just did it Monday through Friday, eight hours a day begging, then that would be about $450 a week gross.
And with that kind of cash in your pocket in New York City, you could still be homeless, which is nice.
Spend the weekends in an alley.
It's great.
So I guess what he's proving, Frank, is if you sit on a street with a cup and a sign, people will give you money.
Suckers.
Suckers.
Yeah.
Now when I, you know, because I live in New York and now when I see homeless people, I'm just going to suspect now that they're Fox News team.
Yes.
Well, so I guess what he's saying, the Republicans are right, Frank.
People need to have less compassion.
That's right.
But also, I'm glad he's gone after homeless people because they're the ones who sold all those people's subprime mortgages.
That's that really represents.
They're the ones who are really harming our society.
So John Stossel takes a look around New York City, and the scam that is getting under his skin is the people dressing up as homeless people and painhandling for eight hours a day.
That's the sure not having to work for a living overcomes the humiliation of begging for money in public and walking around in pants full of your own.
Yes.
He should have had a sign that read, I'm a Fox News asshole who hates homeless people.
That's what his site.
Why can't these homeless people pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and host a right-wing news show full of misinformation?
So what he's, I guess what John Stossel's saying, Frank, is these people aren't actually homeless.
They're mentally ill people with a part-time job.
That's going to allow them to be outdoors all day.
So it's so this guy does this.
Like, he doesn't see anything wrong with this.
Like, it doesn't at any point does he go, hey, maybe this might come off wrong.
Maybe.
Maybe I look hard-hearted.
Maybe.
What's his next investigative piece?
He's going to pour ketchup all over himself and pretend he's injured and then laugh at the end when they come to rescue it.
Can you believe it?
They actually came to the hospital just because I looked like I was bleeding.
These idiots.
So, yeah, so his thing is, I guess, that the homeless people in New York City have it really good because you can make $90 a day.
And just, and people just give you money.
And so he doesn't ever think, hey, maybe there's got to be a word for it.
What's the word?
Like, you know, for like when Bill O'Reilly was sitting around, him and Mr. Big Teeth, Lou Dobbs.
Remember when they were talking about how good the poor have it?
Remember when they were doing that?
Yeah, because they have microwaves.
Yes.
And so what's the word that uncouth doesn't seem, what is it?
It's like when you're shitting on people poor, it's like tacky, but there's got to be a stronger word than tacky, right?
It's got to reveal some kind of inner callousness.
Oh, malevolent?
Yeah, malevolence.
I was going with ass wipe.
You know, like there's, but what's what's really galling is that they don't, I doubt these guys believe that.
What they're doing is they're they have to believe in this position because otherwise their weird, like, let's cut food stamps, let's cut wick.
Right.
Like then it seems callous.
So what they have to do is when their constituency says, wait, you want to cut all these things to the poor, they can justify it by saying, hey, the poor don't have it that bad.
Yes, that's it.
The poor don't have it that bad.
Oh, wait, we should, maybe we shouldn't close all the mental hospitals in New York.
Those guys are fine.
Yeah, they make $23,000 a year just sitting out in traffic.
Sure.
All they have to do is sit on the side of the street all day in crappy clothes and a beard.
You know, I just feel like we're going back in time.
Like I'm sitting with great expectations, and I'm okay with poor people on the street, and I'm okay that, oh, you're not working hard enough, and I should be okay with all of these people struggling.
When I think right now, if you, most Americans, it's like over 60% of Americans right now are upset that people have to work on Thanksgiving.
That all these corporates, corporations like Walmart are making what I think like Walmart has over a million people working on Thanksgiving.
I think America doesn't want that kind of America.
I agree with you.
I don't think just, but that's, again, that's the whole point of your country's just not that into you out in the spring on running press.
On running press, you can pre-order it on Amazon.
You can pre-order it right now on Amazon.
That'd be a great Christmas gift.
They go on and on about the war against Christmas, and then they run a story during the Christmas season about how don't give money to homeless people.
Don't give money to homeless people.
Perfect timing for it, too.
Perfect.
Yeah, how is that?
And also, you know, if you go by the Bible, if you truly go by the Bible, you just know that giving money to people who are asking for it is just the right thing to do.
You know, regardless of what their motivations are, it's just a charitable alms for the poor was a long, long tradition, even in the Middle Ages.
But in this version of Christmas that the Republicans are putting forward, Tiny Tim better figure it out for himself.
But you know what?
This all, I feel like this all started in the Reagan years.
I feel like I never saw this.
Well, Reagan was the guy who put all these guys out on the store.
It was a very marginal thing in our society.
And welfare mothers.
I considered kind of a sick sense of humor to do that.
But since the Reagan years, the greed is good era now, and now on Fox News, it's totally okay to trash on people who are marginal or whoever.
Well, the Pope.
So Frank, so Frank, the Pope came out and recently, just yesterday, I think, this week came out and said that, you know, we have to give more to the poor.
And why is it that when an elderly person, homeless person dies of exposure, that doesn't make the news, but when the stock market goes down two points, it does.
And so people are freaking out.
Because so these corporatists who are very interested in a stratified society and winners and losers, what they have done is co-opted Jesus's message and made it seem like if you're not a strict capitalist, you're somehow immoral because you are now helping people be lazy.
Socialism makes you be lazy.
You have to live off the hard work of other people, and that's un-Christian.
So now when the top Christian in the world, the Pope, says that that's a bunch of BS, that trickle-down economics doesn't work, they start freaking out, which is the truth, by the way, right?
Hey, all the way you guys have twisted Christianity to fit your capitalistic narrative is not right.
Let's face it, he was crucified when he was in his early 30s.
Yes.
He was in prime earnings years.
That's his prime earnings.
Yeah, he didn't, you know, look at all the money he didn't make because he was crucified.
Oh, and by the way, look at the opportunity missed.
Think of all the swag he could have sold at that crucifixion.
No kidding.
The gold gets the mugs.
So here's what Rush Limbaugh is saying about the Pope saying that stuff.
Last night, I was doing show prep last night.
Usual routine.
And I ran across the river.
Kitty porn, Viagra, some Scotch, a couple of Oxycottons, and there we go.
I said Oxycotin.
You know what it's called?
The latest papal offering statement from Pope Francis.
Now, up until this, I'm not Catholic.
Up until this, I have to tell you.
In fact, I'm only pretend Christian for radio purposes.
Let's face it, I've been married four times.
I couldn't give a crap.
Okay, here we go.
I was admiring the man.
I thought he was going a little overboard on the common man touch.
Wow.
I thought there might have been a little.
Yeah, you go overboard on the common man.
You know, because you're the representative of Jesus.
You don't want to really be too common, man.
You want to still hang out with the elites, right?
Okay, here we go.
A little bit of PR involved there.
But nevertheless, I was willing to cut him some slack.
I mean, if he wants to portray himself as Rush Limbaugh going to cut the Pope some slack.
Wow, how nice of how benevolent of Rush.
You know, he's also gotten his blessing from Chuck Manson.
The Pope isn't good with Chuck Manson, so that's good.
Here we go.
But the Pope here has now gone beyond Catholicism here, and this is pure political.
And I want to share with you some of this stuff.
Pope Francis.
He was patterned capitalism as a new tyranny.
He beseeched global leaders to fight poverty and growing inequality in a document on Tuesday setting out a platform for his papacy and calling for a renewal of the Catholic Church.
In it, Pope Francis went further than previous comments, criticizing the global economic system, attacking the idolatry of money.
Wow, it's like he's like the Pope.
I mean, Rush Limbaugh, the way he's reacting, you'd think the Pope said something about donuts.
Right?
I cannot believe Rush Limbaugh just criticized another person for crossing the line between politics and religion.
I cannot believe that man just did that.
Well, isn't he just trying to say, like, he just wants to put Christ back into Christmas and get rid of the Pope?
Get rid of the Pope.
That's right.
And yeah, here we go.
Be very careful.
I have been numerous times to the Vatican.
It wouldn't exist without tons of money.
But regardless what this is, somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.
This is just pure Marxism.
He could not possibly feel this way.
This is just pure Marxism, he says, that the Pope is now a Marxist.
The Pope, everybody, so anybody who disagrees with them and their view of capitalism is a Marxist.
The Pope is now a Marxist.
The Pope, so it's Barack Obama, the Pope, Warren Buffett, Warren Buffett.
Who else is a Marxist?
George Soros, all these guys.
They're all Marxists.
These are some rich Marxists.
These are some pretty rich capitalist Marxists.
So here's the last thing.
So John Stossel went back.
He was on Fox and Friends and Friends.
And I think our friend from The View is on there now.
So here's Steve Deucey.
Deucey and the hags.
Doocy and the hags.
And he says this to her.
Are you suggesting that the people who are begging for money on the streets, we should not give them money?
Yes, and it's not I who am suggesting.
So there you go.
So he says, but then he goes on to say this.
He says this.
Here's his.
the people who work with the homeless say don't give them money.
It's a bad thing.
You're an enabler.
You're enabling their alcohol or their drug habits.
And far better if you really think they're for real and most are not.
So John Stossel, quoting no study, has no idea what he's talking about, just decides to make you have a low opinion of people who are homeless for no reason by saying most of them aren't.
If you really believe most of them are homeless, and they're not.
No, no, no.
Not only are they homeless and mentally ill, but they're phonies.
And phonies.
Also, during the Christmas season, he always makes a point of talking about how poorly Mr. Potter is treated.
Yes, here we go.
You're enabling their alcohol or their drug habits.
And far better to, if you really think they're for real and most are not, to try to help them get to one of the social service agents.
And I give to charities.
I don't think we should fund.
I don't think we should.
Right.
That's like, that's the hypocrisy of what he's saying.
It's like, oh, you know, you know who can really help them?
These social service agencies were their professionals, but we're going to defund those too.
Right.
So we're really going to screw these guys.
Yes.
So Harry, he's got a little bit more to say here.
Hang up.
Personally.
But they're also, which is one way to check.
And there are also charity rating services like Charity Navigator and the Better Business Bureau.
And they help, but it's not perfect.
They get con too.
What are some of your favorite?
Yeah, that's these, you know, it's these people without any, without a pot to that are the biggest con artists.
Homelessness.
These Wiley con artists.
Yes.
So JP Morgan, I don't know if you realize that just last week or two weeks ago had that biggest fine ever, $13 billion.
Just was revealed this week that $7 billion of that is write-off taxes.
They can write off $7 billion of that.
It is.
$7 billion of that.
But the real scammers, John Stossel has the real scammers.
If you see somebody dressed up like a homeless person, that's the scammers.
They got my quarter.
Those are the scammers.
I really cannot believe that Stossel goes on with this premise onto Fox and Friends and it doesn't immediately devolve to, so we're going to put them in camps.
Yes, why don't we rob these?
So we should arrest these guys, right?
Also, you know, these conservatives, you know, they make a big deal about, well, the government shouldn't provide them services.
Private charities should provide the services.
And like religious charities.
But now Rush Lindbau is saying, you know, that that's socialism.
Yes.
That the Catholic Church should just be making money.
They shouldn't be doing stuff like having charity services because that's socialism.
That's Marxism.
So basically what John Stossel did here is that he's, so he goes on Fox and Friends and he says that, hey, I'm not saying don't help the homeless.
I'm saying help the homeless not by giving money to them, but give it to a shelter.
Because if you give it directly to them, they might use it for drugs or to further their addiction.
So instead, so instead of just making that point, what John Stossel decided to do was first trivialize the plight of the homeless by dressing up like one of them and giggling about the suckers who feel sorry for them and then imply that they are all scammers and drug addicts.
After doing all of that, he then tells you the best way to help the homeless is to donate to a shelter.
Well, thank you, Mr. Bleeding Heart.
Oh, I can't wait for John Stossel to do black like me.
Yeah, ha ha.
Aren't we?
You know what?
I just want to say, though, that I believe that the Pope is Catholic and that Rush Limbaugh does shit in the world.
*laughter*
Hey, thanks to everybody who has been using our Amazon.com box when you think of buying something at amazon.com.
It's the easiest way to help support the Jimmy Doer show, and it doesn't cost you anything, and it doesn't change the way you shop at Amazon, but it sure does help support the show.
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That's become a premium member.
And I'll tell you how to do that at the end of the show.
Now let's get to the second half already.
How am I supposed to pretend?
I never want to see you again.
I never want to see you again.
Rick Perry, this is our old, we're going to go back.
There's a throwback, Frank.
This is off the CD.
White People Getting Nervous, available at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
This is the first time Rick Perry ever called into the Jimmy Door show.
Hey, Jimmy Dore, watch Self.
This is Governor Rick Perry of Texas.
How you doing?
I would like to announce on your show that I'm officially submitting my application to be a new call-in character on the Jimmy Door.
What do you say, brother?
I looked at the lineup of yokels you already had calling in.
I thought, hell, I could beat those guys.
Just Josh.
Vale metaphor about me running for president.
So, yeah, I've been working behind the scenes with Carl Rove here in Tay House, strategizing about my campaign and getting all my ducks in a row so I can shoot them.
Hell, I'm the guy who shot a coyote who accosted me while I was jogging one day.
You think Tim Paulani has got the cajonas to go out of high with a hungry desert dog?
I don't think so.
He couldn't even stand up to that cardboard cutout Mitt Romney.
On the manliness scale, these two guys ain't exactly pango and cash.
To me, they look like a couple of ovaries scrambling for votes.
But all they end up doing is making a bitch baby homelet.
Let's just pretend those are Texas things.
Now, admittedly, I got some image problems that I have to overcome.
First off, I made that comment a while back about how Texas should secede from the union.
Everyone got all hot under the collar.
Now, look, that's just some tongue-in-cheek braggadocia we spew down here for fun.
Okay, now look, rest of the country, you got a choice.
You can either bitch about how horrible we Texans are in our state is, or you can bitch about when we threaten to leave the country.
That ain't even a joke, really.
Second of all, people are trying to compare me to another Texas governor who in recent years became prison.
I mean, Bush.
And that's crazy.
I don't even sound anything like the guy, first of all.
And I purposely tried to distance myself from his record.
Under Bush's watch as governor, Dozens upon dozens of convicted murderers were executed.
But all of those men and women appeared to have actually done it.
I found that cowardly.
That's why I purposely oversaw the execution of a man whom DNA evidence clearly exonerated named Cameron Todd William.
It takes an executive with true courage and vision to make so bold a decision.
Say what you want about Bush, but I don't think he has the nuts to kill a clearly innocent man.
Rick Perry, bitches.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, there's more to that Rick Perry call.
You can get the entire call off the new best of CD of the Jimmy Door show called White People Getting Nervous.
And the things that's special about those calls is it's like the bootleg version almost because there's no studio laughter on them.
They're just like actual calls right off my answering machine.
So, okay.
So check those out over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And let's get back to the second half of the show.
Calls from Barack Obama and more.
Okay, so I don't know if you know this, but Glenn Beck is still a thing.
The guy too crazy for Fox News continues his pretend internet channel, The Blaze, which is so named because Glenn Beck doesn't understand the language.
Surprisingly, Glenn Beck doesn't get great guests anymore.
Usually it's a lot of Christian puppet show ladies like Christine O'Donnell or something.
I think the litmus test is believing that Harry Potter books promote the devil.
I think to get on his.
I believe that.
Totally.
Even reading in general, probably.
Anyway, so it probably was a big, big get when Glenn Beck got someone who was actually relevant to something real to come on his show.
Thus, here's a guy named Steve Green, one of the family owners of the Hobby Lobby chain of stores.
You know what the Hobby Lobby is?
No, what is that?
It's a store which carries supplies for pretty much every hobby your old maid aunt might have done.
Like scrapbooking, needlepoint, jewelry, jewelry making.
How about crap uncreative people do to feel creative?
So they have a lot of that stuff.
Now imagine an entire chain of stores dedicated to this lifestyle, and you get a pretty good idea of how dedicated Steve Green and his family are to not fucking.
I'm making scrapbooks all the time.
Oh, so you had an impact.
That's not a hobby.
That's a job.
Yeah.
Oh, you had an impure thought.
Nothing cures that like the bedazzler.
So David Greene is in the news because he's filed a lawsuit against the Affordable Care Act saying that providing insurance that provides for contraception as mandated by the ACA is morally objectionable to his religious convictions, and therefore he shouldn't have to do it.
What are his religious views?
Well, he ties to Oral Roberts, and he thinks contraception is a sin.
Yes.
Wow.
Yes.
No wonder he had so many hobbies.
So here's, so these guys, to somebody say, so there's still people upset about contraception.
By the way, contraception, the most widely prescribed drug in the world.
Sure.
Also used by 99% of all women at some point in their life.
Yeah.
Contraception.
That's true, Jimmy.
So this is, and this guy's against it.
What about, what about all those dead babies that just end up in condo?
So this is 2013.
These people are still afraid of contraception.
I guess they still dodge cameras because they're afraid they're going to steal their soul.
So here's this guy going on, Glenn Beck.
And here's Glenn Beck's opening question.
Ready?
So did you all, did you all as a family get together and pray on it and say, Lord, this is our business and we can lose it, but we dedicate it to you.
And we know where you would stand on this.
Is that how you did it?
Okay, first of all, what the fuck kind of question is that?
Talk about leading the witness, huh?
So did things happen precisely as I hoped they did in my mind?
Please say yes.
Please say yes.
That's a new type of journalism they're pioneering over at the Blaze, Frank.
They carefully lead all of their guests to ensure that they never, ever say anything that might challenge their libertarian Jesus message.
So here's what the guy says.
Here's what he says after Glenn's question.
Here's what he says.
I'm going to say that there was a lot of prayer, but there wasn't.
Bam, suck it, Glenn Beck.
Even a guy who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old won't co-sign your bullshit.
Prayers for suckers.
That's right.
Okay, so here he goes.
He's got more to say, ready?
We had come together, my brother's house, and we had my parents, me, my brother, and my sister, and all of our kids were there, and everybody got to share.
And then when it was all over, basically said, it was pretty much unanimous.
We know what we can do.
It's not like you need to pray about, do you do what's wrong?
That was somewhat obvious.
And so, you know, as we said, we know, we don't know what we're going to do, but we do know what we won't do.
We won't take life.
Do you like how he framed that?
Giving health insurance to your employees as mandated by the ACA, already mandated by 28 states, by the way, is taking life.
First of all, a life of crafts projects?
That's no life at all.
I say abort me now.
Second of all, contraception?
You do know human sperm and eggs aren't made of Jesus plutonium, right?
So everyone, okay, everyone who is against contraception, and I mean really against it, not just saying it because you're Rick Santorum's wife and it's easier just to share his opinions than have him throw a shit fit.
If you really are morally objecting to contraceptives, we need you to raise your hand so we know who you are because the rest of us like sex in a much more immediate way than we like children.
Okay?
So that's this guy's equating contraception.
He's not even talking about abortion.
He's talking about just people having sex.
Yes, exactly.
It's about women having sex.
Yes.
It's more than anything.
It's about women stop being sluts.
Stop asking for birth control.
That's the bottom line.
And they're talking about the morning after pill.
They're talking about that too.
They consider that an abortion.
Nobody's talking about rubbers.
Right.
This is unbelievable.
This is 20.
Honest to God.
Go ahead.
He approved of the morning after scrapbook.
By the way, you know who I think was not at that family meeting?
Their one gay child.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't, no, probably not, but I'd like to imagine that there is one gay child who has moved to the big city and gotten the hell out of there.
You'd like to think.
So their family got together, their whole family.
It's nice to know that their kids have a say in their multi-million dollar, right?
Really?
I like, too, that he's, you know, he said, yeah, Glenn, we're kind of on the same page as you, but we're not going quite the batshit route that you would like to.
The government wants to make us pay for people's health insurance when it's up to God to decide if they live or die.
Cut out, government.
This law, this ACA law, is abridging my religious liberty and denying me the right to be a sanctimonious ass millionaire.
You know, I didn't know about these people a while ago, but did they refuse to pay taxes because they were going to the Iraq war, which I believe also took a lot of lives?
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't, yeah, you're right.
I didn't hear them protesting that at all, did you?
Right.
Yeah, there's nothing more, but Frank, there's nothing more important than doing God's will right after fucking up Obamacare in that order.
Thank God we have a Supreme Court in 2013 that is willing to preserve the founding fathers' understanding of birth control.
They used bark on it.
You know, my question is: so, what this guy is saying is that it's wrong.
He said, It's wrong to take a life, but wrecking them, that's okay.
No problem with wrecking a life, right?
So, what he's saying is he doesn't want to have to pay for women's contraception.
Isn't it possible to be religious and a cheap prick?
Of course it is.
Isn't this really that none of these guys want to pay for birth control?
Isn't that really what it is?
I want to say I have this moral problem, so I'm not going to pay the thousands of dollars I'm going to have to pay.
And then I say, so let's take it one step further, Steve.
Let's say, hey, I also object to homosexuality.
Do I have to pay for AIDS medication?
What if I'm again, you know, I'm a Christian scientist and you need a blood transfusion?
I'm against it.
I'm a CEO of a corporation, and my remedy for my religion for your diabetes is prayer.
We create an environment of prayer, which is cheaper, which is cheaper, exactly, a lot cheaper.
Conveniently, yeah.
So I find that if you if you want to prevent conception or reproduction or sex of any kind from happening, just as a date, take your date to the hobby store last date.
Very nice.
Yes.
So you, so at any point, you can just deny a law by saying, hey, it's my religion.
You know, I think some people tried that with marijuana.
Hey, it's my religion to smoke marijuana.
They still go to jail.
So, but this guy gets to go, hey, it's my religion to deny someone health care, just like Jesus would.
And yeah, you could just, you can, you can do that forever.
Slavery was once a religious viewpoint, you know.
Yeah, so this is exactly.
So this is going up again up in front of the Supreme Court.
And interestingly enough, Scalia has previously come down against this kind of thinking, saying that you can't just.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you can't.
But Scalia is really inconsistent.
He is very inconsistent.
Of course, I mean, that's thinking is basically.
That's what this whole court is.
This whole court is inconsistency personified.
What they did at the Bush v.
Gore was completely inconsistent against precedent, against what they've already predicted.
You know, states' rights, the whole thing.
They turned everything that they believe on its head so they could get George Bush elected.
Exactly.
You know, all we can hope for is right before Scalia rules on this that he prays about it.
Yes.
I hope he prays on it.
Tell Jesus, tell the Lord.
I love that.
Do you guys pray on it?
Pray on it.
That is just a dumb because God's not going to give me the answer unless I go through this voodoo scenario where I have to pray on it and do these special words and think.
What's strange about all this is that it's economically, it's much better for the society to do preventative care and to let women have control over their bodies.
Unwanted pregnancies and NCs are very expensive.
Children are very expensive.
It is for the entire society, for that corporation, it's cheaper.
It turns out cheaper to give women contraceptive care than it is to not.
But to be frank, these people consider contraception death panels.
Yes, they do.
This is true.
But I just, today I bought some live death panels.
Some what?
Some ribbed deaths?
Ribbit death panels.
Ribbed panels for her pleasure.
I got it.
I got it.
I got some magnum death panels because, you know, I like it to be loose.
I like a loose fit.
I don't want to be, I don't want to be all up and company.
I don't want to be tight fit all up in my junk.
Here, Barack Obama called me.
Oh.
Hey, Jimmy.
Barry Obama calling.
Just want to wish you and Steph a happy Thanksgiving.
Believe me, I'm looking forward to sitting down to some unpardoned turkey with Michelle and the girls, watching some football, trying to forget for a few hours how the whole world has crammed itself right on my ass.
What the hell?
Did you see that Ohio poll?
What am I?
34% approval rating?
That's a big story now.
Americans don't trust me anymore.
Right.
Hey, since about 2008, 20% of them think I'm going to steal their wallet.
Who gives a shit?
You think I'm about to get impeached for saying 95% of y'all are going to keep your goddamn health insurance?
95%.
Jimmy, you know, and I know, I've lied about way worse things than that.
Come on, everybody.
Have some perspective.
I don't like to call the American people stupid assholes, but holy shit.
I'm not even allowed to get mad, which is why I call you when I'm perfal, so nobody ever finds out.
I got to keep my anger bottled up until at least 2017, like those secret JFK files.
I know you think I'm a sellout, Jimmy, but even you admit I'm getting fucked with on a daily basis.
What's all this hysteria over a goddamn website?
Have you ever had trouble buying Springsteen tickets?
I think he's overrated too, Jimmy.
But my point is about the goddamn website or somebody's shit-ass health plan that got canceled.
And everybody knows that.
I took this job to try to help people.
No kidding, Jimmy.
But now I'm starting to hate them.
Did you see that kid heckling me about immigration the other day?
In San Francisco, of all places.
What the hell was that about?
Son of a bitch is heckling me from behind.
And this little shithead is telling me I should let his people go like I'm some goddamn Moses over here.
Why don't I perform some miracles for y'all?
Like pardon the Red Sea, turn water into wine.
Pass single payer.
You think it's easy to be in the head of the Democratic Party right now?
Why do they call them Democrats.
Why don't they just call them a bunch of chicken shits?
Can't fight for a goddamn principle.
Hell, these aren't even Democratic principles we're fighting for.
These are Republican principles.
And you can't even fight for the other guys' principles.
Anyway, Jimmy, enjoy your weekend.
I gotta go.
I need a fucking cigarette.
I need a fucking cigarette.
*music* You
So moving on, there's something really unprecedented is happening in the Middle East.
Peace is breaking out.
And they've struck a deal.
And by the way, people are referring to this as Obama's deal.
Of course, he was very instrumental in getting this done, but this was actually a deal to denuke the Iranians and lift the sanctions.
It's actually going through the UN.
This is a UN deal.
They're the ones who put in the sanctions in the first place.
This was their goal.
This has been the goal of the world.
The reason you put in sanctions is to get people to come to the negotiating table.
They've come to the negotiating table.
They've met our demands.
And we've met some of their demands.
And some of our demands is to get them to stop advancing their nuclear bomb program, right?
And we're going to have inspectors in place.
And what they want in return is for us to lift some of our sanctions, which they have lifted some of them, not all of them.
So that sounds like what you're supposed to be doing, right?
That's what sanctions worked.
We got a deal.
They negotiated it.
Sounds like a win, right?
Well, here comes Eric Cantor.
That's what he has to say about it.
He doesn't like the deal because...
Because that's about the same.
Here we go.
Here's what he says.
First of all, since when do we trust Iran?
Yes.
Yeah.
Iran has lied about everything.
Of course, so have we, but when we do it, it's not lying, okay?
Whatever we like.
It's truth plus.
So you don't, and I've said it.
I mean, he's right.
I've said you don't negotiate with people you don't trust, and that's why we never negotiated with Japan or Germany after World War II, right?
We still never don't have treaties.
And so here he goes on to say.
We should, in fact, insist that a country which has deceived the world, a country which has defied UN Security Council resolutions, can't be trusted.
Oh, wait, oh, it's okay, Steph.
He's talking about Iran.
I thought he was talking about the United States.
I was going to say, don't you have any up-to-date audio of him?
That's from 2003, isn't it?
No, he was talking about Iran.
I thought he was talking about the United States, or Iraq.
It could be either one.
Here's Saxby Chamblis.
Saxby.
You don't know any Saxby's?
You didn't go to school with any Saxby?
So here's Saxby Chamblis.
Here's what he says about it.
Now it's just not the time to ease sanctions when they are working.
So you're got all the leverage in the negotiation, and we've let them out of the trap.
Yeah, see, the time for negotiations isn't when they agree to negotiate and meet your demands.
It's after you start a war with them.
That's when you're supposed to.
Here's Lindsey Graham.
And Lindsey Graham uses some kind of some interesting language.
Just a little too suspect.
Anyway.
We're treating them completely out of sync with who they are.
That's what bothers me so much.
This deal doesn't represent the fact that we're dealing with some of the most thuggish people in the world.
So he says that we're treating them out of sync with who they are.
Well, if it's anybody who knows about being treated out of sync with who they are, talk about takes one to no one, huh, Lindsay?
It's almost as if I think what he's saying is that the Iranians are not showing who they really are.
They're sort of in the closet of their true nature.
Yeah, they're definitely living a lie.
Yeah, pretending to be a normal country, right?
Like everybody else.
It may be that Iran, when it was little, would dress up in mom's clothes.
Yes, maybe it would.
Maybe Iran is pretending to like girls.
Maybe Iran really experienced an awakening at summer camp.
So he's going.
So I like how he says some of the most thuggish people in the world.
Some of the most, I thought Iraq was.
I thought they're right next door.
Now it's Iraq.
Now it's Iran.
Then it's Afghanistan.
Then it's North Korea.
Where are the most thuggish people in the world?
But he is right.
I mean, remember when Iran invaded that country for oil and then tortured its enemies?
I keep bringing that up.
Anyway.
I love the fact that the Republicans think you can conduct foreign policy without recognizing sovereign nations.
Yes, yes, that's exactly your right.
They're thugs.
We shouldn't have to deal with them.
They're a sovereign nation.
They have borders.
They have rights.
They have laws.
So these guys are against this negotiation.
So all the GOP right-wingers, the neocons like Lindsey Graham and Saxby.
You don't know Saxby.
By the way, Latin for Saxby is, oh, yeah.
Bus boycott.
Bus boycott?
Yeah.
You don't know any Saxby?
One of my favorite albums is when Saxby Channelist teamed up with Boots Randolph and did a great album.
So Lindsey Graham is on CNN.
And of course, the obvious question, well, if you guys are against peace and you claim you don't want to go to war.
Is the alternative a military strike?
Is there nothing in between?
No, there is something in between.
Yes.
There is something in between.
I can't think of what it is.
Here's what he says is in between.
Here's his in-between, Frank.
Ready?
Once you get him to the table, you let them know what the final deal would look like and say, take this or else.
See, there is something in between.
We need to set a bunch of impossible conditions, and then when Iran refuses, we punish them by starting World War III.
That'll show them.
See, that's what I mean.
That's a negotiation.
Frank, if you've ever gone to negotiating school like Lindsey Graham, you know the first thing you learn in a negotiation, that means giving people two choices and saying, take it or leave it.
Well, usually with Lindsey Graham, what's in between is a glory hole.
And he takes it.
Yeah, he takes it.
He takes it.
I like the fact that he's like, you wait until they get to the table.
So his starting position is, let's trick them into coming to the negotiations on false pretenses, and then we'll really stick it together.
Yeah, and then we don't negotiate.
We tell them this is what we're doing or else.
And then what happens, Lindsay, when they say, or else?
You go, boom, World War III, just like we wanted.
That's really what he's saying.
They fell into our trap of destroying the world.
Yes.
Okay.
Oh, because I forgot to play this.
So Barack Obama said this.
The United States and our friends and allies have agreed to provide Iran with modest relief while continuing to apply our toughest sanctions.
We will refrain from imposing new sanctions, and we will allow the Iranian government access to a portion of the revenue that they have been denied through sanctions.
But the broader architecture of sanctions will remain in place, and we will continue to enforce them vigorously.
And if Iran does not fully meet its commitments during the six-month phase, we will turn off the relief and ratchet up the pressure.
In these negotiations, nothing will be agreed to unless everything is agreed to.
The burden is on Iran to prove to the world that its nuclear program will be exclusively for peaceful purposes.
Okay, so that was so basically what he's saying is we're, you know, when Eric Cantor says, so what?
Why don't we trust Iran?
We don't trust Iran.
This is called a.
That's a negotiation.
It's a probationary period.
And it's verifiable.
And we're going to have inspectors in there, just like when you sign a contract in the United States.
You don't trust anybody.
That's why you have a contract because you don't trust people.
That's the whole point.
This isn't about trust.
So again, it's how dare this guy take an opportunity that has taken 40 years to present itself.
Yeah.
I didn't hear one thing in his talk about invading or blowing them up.
so he probably very irresponsible you I've got Benjamin Netanyahu on the phone.
He's not very happy about this Iran negotiation deal.
Here he is.
It's BB.
Hello, Jimmy.
How are you today?
My heart is heavy.
It is Sonica.
Which should be a glorious festival of life in Israel.
But there's now an eight days of contemplation of impending annihilation.
Not as joyous this one.
Okay, I think that that may be blowing things a bit out of proportion.
Not at all.
Thanks to this Iran deal and your, shall we say, difficult to manage president.
I fear Israel is entering the dark chapter in our history.
Yeah, you've said that was a massive mistake, this deal.
An historic mistake, exactly.
Like me taking Esther Rosenblach to Junior Prom.
Not even a handy from this napkin.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER My masculinity was so publicly ashamed that I dedicated the rest of my life to being a rabid warlord.
All right.
Well, that is interesting, but I think the analogy you and others have been using is This deal is the worst thing since Munich.
And by that, we mean the Munich of Appeasement of Hitler, the Munich of the 1972 Olympics, and the Munich of the movie Munich Movement.
than if all of those Munichs had happened on the same day.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER God damn that BB Nutanyahoo, huh?
You know, I hate to be a tease like this, but I have to because the rest of that BB Netanyahu call, which we're not even halfway through it, is available on this week's premium content.
And that's a great way to help support the show, especially now.
And how do you get the premium content?
You go over to JimmyDoorCompedies.com.
You click on premium, you make your $5 donation, and a month, that's it.
$5 a month gets you all the access to all the premium stuff.
It goes back to March now, okay?
And boy, if you enjoy BB as much as I do, it's well worth it.
The price of a $5 cup of something that costs $5, huh?
So go over there and get that.
And a big hang tip of the hat to Mike McRae for knocking it out of the park this week with all the impressions and especially this BB Netanyahu.
I love it.
Okay, and there's lots of other stuff.
We get to the Palin and Martin Bashir quote-unquote controversy, which, you know, I think some of the stuff I say might really surprise you on that.
Might not, but might.
Okay.
Will it?
The answer might surprise you.
Or will it?
Anyway, I sound like the local news here in Los Angeles.
Okay.
So, hey, we'll see you at the improv November tomorrow night.
Well, that's tonight.
You're probably going to get this thing and download it.
Probably already have plans.
But I told you about it last week.
So on November 30th, Saturday, 10 p.m. show at the improv.
Here's if you want to get half-price tickets when you're checking out, go on the click on the link over at the website.
And when you're checking out, what if you're getting your tickets?
You put in the Jimmy in the place where it says coupon.
They get you half-price tickets.
Isn't that nice?
Okay, this is probably useless because by the time you listen anyway, but I think a lot of people listen on Saturdays.
So maybe this will work.
Okay, this is all really necessary that I can include on my babble.
Anyway, that's it for this week.
I really appreciate everyone listening.
And thanks for your support.
However, you do it.
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steph Samurano, Robert Yasimura, and Steve Rosenfield and Mark Van Land Do It.
And a big thanks to a gentleman who donates his time and talents to makes our show run, helps me every time I need some help with my Macintosh computer.
He can fix it for you right over the internet.
And how do you get a hold of him?
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
Plus, you can give him a phone call, 347-695-0601.
Sean James.
And big thanks to everybody who made it out to the fake gallery last Friday for the Comedy Everything Else essay show, Holiday Suck, Full House.
What a fun time that was.
We're going to do more of them coming up.
So we'll let you know about them because that was a blast.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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