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Aug. 31, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Next Monday is Labor Day.
Labor Day is kind of a repeat of the 4th of July, but tinged with melancholy and regret.
It's a holiday we celebrate by completely forgetting what it actually means.
Labor Day was originally created to remember the social and economic achievements of American workers.
Now it simply marks the end of summer vacation, which is really only relevant if you have a job.
Only 11% of workers now belong to a union, the lowest level in 97 years.
Most Americans don't pay any attention to this decline because they don't belong to unions, because unions are in decline, because Americans don't pay any attention to them.
Fortunately, we don't need unions anymore because we replaced them with no overtime, no health insurance, and no job security.
And I'm not just talking about every TV show I've ever worked on.
What many people don't realize is strong unions help the economy by raising everyone's wages, while weak unions lower everyone's wages, which explains why all the jobs posted on Craigslist pay $12 an hour.
I can't believe it's the end of August already.
I'm still writing 1998 on my checks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk on your T-Wog.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Governor.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio to my right, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina.
It's Steph Zamborano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, and I want everybody to know that I stand with fast food workers unionizing so they may earn a livable wage.
Well, I say Puerto, what is it?
How does that go?
I don't know.
Cece Puerto.
She doesn't speak the language.
Cease Puerto.
I don't know.
I'm third generation.
That means hey, let's see.
She's laughing.
Okay, she likes to forget.
All right, so here we go.
So that's across the glass from me, hilarious comedian, former writer for The Daily Show.
You heard him at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
James.
Steve, you look very good.
You look like you're auditioning for the Rockford files.
I got my haircut.
That sounds like an insult.
No, no, you look very James Garner-ish.
Oh, thank you.
Young James Garner.
Thank you.
Sure.
Across from him, hilarious comedian, the author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
And Emory Award-winning writer, it's Jim Earl.
Hey, Jim, how are you?
Hey, hey, Clive, Jimmy.
That's all right, Jim.
You're on your way to that Godfather audition?
I'm sorry.
I just got back from the Orthodox.
Sure, Jesus practitioner.
I had some brief work done.
I hope it does not interfere with any part of it.
He's a trooper.
Any part of the podcast.
I don't want it to interfere with.
All right.
It won't interfere with the podcast because I'll cut it out, but it will interfere with the radio.
Right, good.
It will interfere with the radio show.
But anyway, let's...
We started together in Chicago.
He's the jack of all trades.
He's an actor.
He's a radio host.
He's a comedian.
And he's also the co-host of the new popular podcast, The Fighting Ungers, which can be found at fightingungers.com.
It's Mark Unger.
Hey, Mark, how are you?
I'm good.
Yeah, it's me and my brother.
And Steve, now I'm really curious because you mentioned that he's dressed like he's auditioning for the Rockford files.
What does that look like exactly?
He looks like a young James Rockford.
Well, it's not that I'm dressed.
It's just I got my haircut.
It's not what I'm wearing, which is the same old crap I always wear.
Yeah, no, it's just his.
I thought it was like a lime green tie.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, that would be Angels.
He's driving a Dodge.
What is it?
Jimmy, it's Angel.
Listen.
Listen, I'm sorry, Jimmy.
Stuart Margolin is a genius.
He isn't.
I love that guy.
All right, let's get to some of the jokes.
Oh, and by the way, Frank Coniff is off tonight and could not make it show business.
A bigger project in show business called.
Can you believe it?
I can't.
So let's get to some of the jokes.
Hey, Syria.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, we're going to bomb the country before the weapons inspectors finish their job.
But that would be a really bad move, President Bush.
Oh, wait a minute.
I mean Obama.
And it's the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech was on Wednesday, huh?
Did you guys watch it?
Oh, yeah.
I saw it on it.
Did you?
I actually reenacted it.
Ha ha, very nice.
Go ahead, Jim.
Martin Luther King had a dream.
And we've got the cream.
Cream soda, that is.
New Martin Luther King cream soda.
Free at last.
Free at last.
Buy two now.
Get one.
Free at last.
Martin Luther King cream soda.
All right.
That's our tribute to Martin Luther King.
That's all we could muster today.
Yeah, it was the I Have a Dream speech, or as Fox News calls it, the birth of a million race hustlers.
I thought that was a better joke.
I thought that was funny.
That is funny.
That is funny.
Yeah.
Hey, Laura, did you hear what Laura Ingram?
She was playing John Lewis was giving a speech, so she was playing part of it.
You know, John Lewis, the famous civil rights, he was actually a bull Connor actually.
Beaten up.
Yeah, gave him a concussion on the Selma bridge.
And so Laura Ingram was playing a speech by John Lewis, and then she interrupted the speech by playing a gunshot noise.
Yeah.
So she's like an evil, racist, hateful Spike Jones.
Not as funny.
Spike Jones reference?
There you go, huh?
If Frank had done that, you'd be annoyed.
How about that Miley Cyrus?
I love it.
How about that Miley Cyrus?
You know, it's too bad the garish vulgarity of the Miley Cyrus PMA performance overshadowed the delicate subtlety of the rest of the BMA.
And by the way, Maureen Dowd, she weighed in.
She put those two stories together.
She put a Chris Christie story together and a Miley Cyrus story together.
This is true.
And she said, quote, she did a raunchy twerk while he was a rude twerp.
I smell another bullet, sir.
Wow.
And they pay her for that stuff?
Yes, that was Maureen Dowd, still being paid by the New York Times.
Hey, by the way, Ben Appleck's paying Batman.
People are talking about it.
And when he plays Ben Planned plays Batman, it'll seem strange and different having a talented filmmaker on a Zack Snyder set.
Zach Snyder.
Zach Snyder.
I hope Batman has enough anti-failure spray for this production.
Big buff.
More like Hack Schneider.
okay.
So what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to check in with the Oprah story we never got to.
We checked back with some of the hurricane victims from Hurricane Sandy to see how they put their lives back together.
Plus, John Kerry is ticked off about chemical weapons.
He actually got upset about something.
Donald Trump, hey, turns out that Barack Obama's birth certificate is real and a Trump University degree is fake, turns out.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, Colin Powell is upset that he's in a party full of racists again, and he went on TV to talk about it instead of just switching parties.
We're going to talk about that.
Plus, we got phone calls from Barack Obama, Herman Cain, and a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
This portion of the Jimmy Door show brought to you by Johnson's Johnsons.
Need a better Johnson that is sure to please the ladies?
Try on the Johnson's Johnsons for size.
Oh, yeah, that'll do the trick.
Johnson's Johnsons.
They'll stop laughing and pointing and start yelping for more.
So John Kerry is upset that we're going to start bombing Syria.
We don't know really how we're going to bomb them or where we're going to bomb them, what we're going to bomb, but we know we have to blow up something.
We have to blow up something because they use chemical weapons.
And they're really upset that they use chemical weapons because he's only killed 100,000 of his own people so far, but he just killed 600 of them with a chemical.
So that's really over the top.
And I'm like, why can't those Syrians, only a depraved mind would use chemical weapons to kill people?
Why can't they use nice Christian, depleted uranium-tipped bombs like we use in America, right?
I mean, indiscriminate.
So John Kerry got all upset about it.
I mean, I said, why don't we just go over there and give him a little Christian torture?
That's what I say.
Anyway, so it's so funny.
We're upset about chemical weapons over in Syria.
Meanwhile, President Obama was okay with torturing our own soldier for a year.
He was okay with that.
He's okay with that.
Okay, so let's just go.
Go ahead, Mark.
Go ahead.
My problem, Jimmy, is I can't really comment until about a year from now when the HBO show Newsroom.
I have to see how that little British does like cute stairs and then like all the 20-somethings, you know, hump while they're talking about Syria.
Uh-huh.
I really, I have nothing to offer this conversation.
Very nice.
Well, let's listen to what John Kerry actually said.
Let's listen to him get really self-righteous and indignant and upset.
What we saw in Syria last week should shock the conscience of the world.
It defies any code of morality.
Let me be clear.
And we've been defying those codes for quite a long time now.
And so we're pretty familiar with experts that we're really good at defying those codes, right?
We do like the double taps with our drones, and we kill wedding processions.
Anything anyway, let's get back to John Kerry being upset about someone else.
The indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, the killing of women and children, and innocent bystanders by chemical weapons is a moral obscenity.
Yes, yes.
So when we aim drone rockets at an al-Qaeda and accidentally bomb a wedding, that's discriminating slaughter of citizens.
It's a big difference, see?
And we ask that the Syrian government use the same discretion and judgment that we used when we illegally invaded Iraq.
That's all we're asking.
He's got more to say.
By any standard, it is inexcusable.
And despite the excuses and equivocations that some have manufactured, it is undeniable.
Yes, you know, it's weird that, I mean, when it comes to indiscriminate killing, John Kerry knows a lot about it because he fought in Vietnam.
He saw a lot of it.
So he saw a lot of that.
He saw a lot of that.
And I just want to say, it's weird that we don't have conclusive proof yet that they actually use chemical weapons.
But there's John Kerry before they even get the report in.
Again, America's doing it again, jumping to conclusions before we get the UN report.
And he's sitting there saying that Syria is doing all this immoral stuff.
And it's just weird to see John, you know, the President Assad is upset.
Why wouldn't he be to see have John Kerry swift vote him like that?
It's just not fair.
Why is Kerry?
Why are they jumping the gun like this, Jimmy?
Why are they jumping the gun like this?
Because Wall Street wants us to invade and get rid of this Assad.
Why?
That's why.
Because he's one of the few governments that doesn't pay attention to Wall Street.
So, I mean, that's not the big push, but that is part of it.
But guess what?
I mean, if we get rid of Assad, the Al-Qaeda takes over and the people who are sympathetic to them.
This is what happens in the Middle East, you guys.
You know, you just can't go and give them democracy.
Democracy is something that is achieved.
You know, you have to earn it.
When you give it to people, it just turns out horrible, right?
You don't even have that here, Jimmy.
I know.
We don't even have that in here.
We're not going to have it in some Middle East.
But I think you really have to take into account how well everything worked out in Iraq.
Yes, right.
You know, how many women and children's lives were saved because of our spreading of democracy?
Yes.
Well, when, you know, I say it's, you know, when you bomb a wedding procession, you know, you got your positives there.
Depends on whether it's the groom side of the business.
Democracy has really has never worked.
True democracy has never worked.
The Greeks tried it.
It doesn't work today at a PCA meeting.
So we can't really have true democracy, and we shouldn't even really use the word.
As far as Syria and what we should do there, I mean, I am very liberal, but I'm sort of a liberal hawk because I'm hearing that drone strikes are bad, and I'm all for them.
I really am.
I mean, I believe that drone strikes should be extended to include people that don't win on American idols.
Really, really pro-drunk.
I believe that that drone program is working, and it's scaring the crap out of al-Qaeda, and it's keeping them from being able to conduct attacks because they don't know when as soon as they hear that buzz, it's all over.
And look, if there's spiritual damage, it's called war.
That's what happens, man.
And we're at war, and that's just the way it is.
Now, as far as Syria, and I'm sorry if I'm talking over the next one.
No, no, no, no.
Can I just stop you on the drone thing for a second?
So let me just ask you.
So your theory is that when are these Muslims, how many more Muslims do we have to kill before they stop being terrorists, right?
Is that what you're saying?
How many more Muslims have to kill before they stop being terrorists?
No, what I'm saying is we're targeting terrorists.
Yes.
If there's other people that are close by, that happens in every war that's happening.
Yeah.
But they become terrorists after we bomb their families.
It's a self-perpetuating thing.
I'm not talking about that.
Yes, I agree.
And I talked about that in 2003 when we invaded Iraq.
I get that.
I mean, I truly do.
But that's where we are now.
Now, when you talk about Syria, I agree completely.
I don't understand until somebody sits down or just stands in front of a television camera and lays out a strategic reason why it's better for our national security to bomb Syria.
I can't support it.
Because I'm okay if it's about protecting America.
I really am.
If it's just about something vague, like a moral obligation, look, the world is filled with morality.
It's not our job.
We can't possibly get involved in every scenario where there's people being, you know.
I agree with you.
But we never have.
I mean, we get involved in the so-called humanitarian scenarios that are convenient for us, like every other country, like Libya.
Which, you know, it has its own merits.
Or even way back to Somalia.
I mean, that was a humanitarian mission that went horribly wrong.
But as far as Syria, I really don't understand why we decided that them dropping chemical weapons is...
It's because Obama said, I'm drawing a line or there's a red line.
I mean, he used a line.
And I suppose his father, they love using the word line.
And then when they cross the line, they've got to figure out how to deal with the line.
It becomes very complicated.
Yes.
But the reality is, I don't see getting involved in Syria unless somebody gives me a reason why it's better for our interest as a country to get involved.
I'll just say it.
You know, I think, you know, John Kerry, his speech went on a lot longer, and he really got really worked up and very indignant.
And he used a lot of strong language about how bad these other guys are.
It's just so funny to see someone do that.
It's just funny.
He's just so full of himself and so full of it, right?
And just pretending like he's not a part of a war criminal organization himself when we have Edward Snowden and we have Daniel Chelsea Manning releasing stuff that shows all the crimes we've been committing.
And then so for him to be indignant and get on his moral high ground, we've lost the moral high ground in the world.
I mean, that's the, and they don't realize this that we've we've lost the more, it's over, right?
And now when we say, hey, Syria has chemical weapons, you know, we said that about 10 years ago.
We said somebody had it.
We knew for sure, and we couldn't wait for the UN report yet.
We had to go in right away.
So this is the same thing.
And I hope it's not.
I mean, I truly do, because you're right.
The way it's playing out now, Jimmy, it could head down that same path.
but i'm really hoping that this is that if you get and john carrie different No, no, you guys.
But my problem with John Kerry is that he literally, during his speech, he was trying to describe the atrocity of chemical weapons.
And he said, when you see the bodies laying out and there's not any blood on them, you know something horrible happened.
Really?
So according to John Kerry, if you're going to kill somebody in war, you better blow their fucking heads off like a decent human being.
That's what he said.
That's why I like drones.
Why I like drones.
You know, Mark was saying how much he's a drone hawk.
Yes.
And I think I'm a war whore.
And my wife again never saying war whore.
And I have to say, you know, with all this talk of drones and killing and indiscriminate slaughters, I'm curious, where's the draft?
Ah, it's funny.
Yeah, there's not, believe me, there's never going to be another draft, honey, because when you have a draft, they get rid of the war.
People get upset about the war.
But as long as you don't have a draft, you can have wars that go on.
How long has this Afghanistan war been going on now?
14 years, 13, 14 years?
14 years.
So you could have had a kid born, and it would be almost out of high school now, and this war is still going on.
And now Britain has voted against going in with the U.S. on any of these strikes in Syria.
So the latest report is Britain is not going to join us.
Believe me, we're bombing somebody.
What would be great about a draft?
Just think about all the young kids, celebrities who would be at draft age.
I mean, when Elvis got drafted, that was big.
Yes.
Siever is Canadian, so he doesn't qualify.
But I'm sure we could find the greatest boy band.
Oh, yes.
I think we, that's a good reason to have a draft just to get rid of these young 20-somethings and put them on the front lines.
I'm all for new millennials going to war.
Well, you know, if we're not going to give them a livable wage, we might as well send them to war.
Well, if they're not going to vote so they can have a livable wage, then let's send them to war.
Oh, my opinion.
You know, what?
The same guy who predicted the last election says that we're going to lose Congress because of the new millennials staying home in droves like they did in Silver Central?
Yeah, in 2010.
New millennials stayed home in droves.
Because they're not informed.
What's that?
I don't know.
He's got to be at least 18.
I don't know how.
Can we get him into Syria somehow?
I hope so.
I hope so.
Hey, I got a phone call.
I got Barack Obama.
I got Barack Obama on the line.
Let's see what I have to say to him.
Hey, Mr. President, thank you very much for coming on the show.
I really appreciate it.
Are you there?
Did he come on the show?
Thank you for having me, Jimmy.
Are you on air this week?
Are they doing another pledge break?
No, I don't know what they're doing.
I lost track.
He's out against commercials, Jimmy.
You know, I don't know what they have against commercials.
Anyway, listen, I want to ask you about Syria, Mr. President, if that's okay.
Can I ask you about Syria?
Oh, Syria, right.
They got some trouble over there?
Shut up.
Ha, just kidding.
Well, it appears you're about to decide whether to punish Syria or not, but how much you're going to punish Syria for the supposed chemical attack on civilians last week.
So it's not weather, but how much.
That was a real chemical attack, Jimmy.
And those were real civilians.
Trust me on this one.
Well, you know what?
I have my doubts, Mr. President, about who was responsible.
I really do.
I was talking to an Iraq war veteran who feels like that's a false flag operation designed to drag us into Syria's civil war.
Is there any credence to that?
That's what I've had a veteran told me.
With all due respect to our veterans, Jimmy, there's no more paranoid group of Americans than the brave men and women who fought for their country.
Have you ever seen the inside of a veteran's hospital?
No, I have not.
I have not seen the inside of London.
You're not mentioning anything special, Jimmy.
It's a distraction the way we've treated our veterans.
What is it with our military bureaucracy anyway?
Well, you tell me, Mr. President, what's with our military bureaucracy?
Anyway, you're Iraq veteran friend that's full of crap.
As Secretary Kerry said, that was an obscene, heinous chemical attack by the Syrian government, and they're in big trouble now because we're going to do something.
I'm not exactly sure what yet.
Well, I know you're extremely deliberate about making your decisions.
I mean, look at gay marriage, for example.
Biden really made that decision for you, didn't he?
If you remember, Jimmy, Biden told me not to go kill bin Laden.
He thought it was too risky.
Well, you know, whatever.
Let me ask you this, Mr. President.
Why is conventional warfare more moral than chemical weapons?
Is it because it's bullets and bombs rather than chemicals?
Let me tell you about chemical weapons, Jimmy.
We banned them because they were horrible, and no decent civilized country would use them.
What about Israel?
They used phosphorus weapons in Gaza and they burned the limbs off of kids.
Apples are Muslims, Jimmy.
Bashar al-Assad is a brutal dictator who orders attacks on innocent women and children.
Unless you think it's okay to bomb women and children, Jimmy.
Some folks do.
But that's not what Americans do, nor what any decent law-abiding nation does, and we won't tolerate it.
But what about all those drone strikes in Afghanistan that have killed hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent people that we know of?
I'm not going to comment on our methods or operations, Jimmy.
These are the ones I secretly like.
But you've commented on drone strikes.
You've talked about reducing them in a speech a few months ago.
Wasn't that due to widespread revulsion and how that was making us look to the rest of the world?
Jimmy, all I can do is direct you to that speech from April, which I'm pretty sure is on YouTube.
Still hold up.
Mr. President, how can a nation that claims to champion human rights sanction indiscriminate bombings of civilians, illegal torture of Americans, and indefinite detention of detainees?
Right Sprevers was right about you, Jimmy.
You are a hot head.
Well, maybe, but I think I'm right about your hypocrisy on John and John Kerry's hypocrisy when he talks about the obscenity of bloodless chemical weapons versus good Christian blood and guts evisceration.
I mean, what's the difference?
It's just another way to kill people, isn't it, Mr. President?
Hey, Jimmy, you know as well as anybody that I'm against people getting killed.
That hasn't changed.
Board for bombs, drunk drivers, slipping on a banana peel.
I was against sudden, unexpected death when I ran for president 2008.
I'm against it now.
I don't want the United States of America getting mixed up in any more Middle East shit.
It's like musical assholes, Jimmy.
Having said that, we've still got to do something about Syria.
Why?
Why do we have to do anything about Syria, Mr. President?
I don't get it.
Because of the shit I said about red lines, Jimmy.
You say this is a red line and that's a red line.
Eventually, you got to start blowing shit up.
I'm like doing it, Jimmy.
Believe me.
I wish I could spend the next four years on something that really matters.
Like failing to get an immigration bill back.
But isn't whatever bombing we do in Syria just going to be symbolic anyway?
Yeah, it'll be symbolic of maybe we'll set off a huge war in the Middle East.
Maybe we won't.
But aren't you worried about that, Mr. President?
Of course.
Just be glad I'm not John McCain.
Remember what I said about paranoia veterans.
Oh, that's right.
Well, thank you for your time, Mr. President.
I appreciate you.
Don't mention it, Jimmy.
And good luck with your pledge break.
Okay, thanks.
You're a war criminal.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
And now it's time for a reading from the book Morning Remembrance, a funny obituary of a real dead person as read by Jim Earle.
Herbert D. Ted Doan, last of the Dows.
Herbert Ted Doan, the last family member to lead the Dow Chemical Corporation, the world's largest producer of plastics, chemicals, and synthetic rubber, is now breaking down into smaller and smaller pieces.
But ultimately, he will never disappear.
Doan apparently smothered himself after the Dow silly putty he was pleasuring himself with became hopelessly stuck in the tracks of the Dow Ziploc bag he was erotically tidying or tightening around his head.
That would have been funnier.
It's tough.
Let's try it again.
If they were written, if it was written down in front of you and you were reading it, it would be a lot easier.
Yeah, right.
You know, maybe I should shout it.
I'm just going to go on to the next joke.
Okay, go ahead.
Soon after becoming head of Dow Chemical, Doan vowed to increase growth by 10% per year.
Unfortunately, he was talking about tumors.
This is Dow's Dow Chemical.
We didn't get that.
None of us got it.
Founded by his grandfather in 1897 on the principle that there weren't enough three-eyed fish in the world.
Dow today leaks even more dioxin than those old batteries in Mary Cheney's vibrator.
Over the years, the world's largest producer of fake breasts gave millions of dollars to the Saginaw Valley State University, culminating with the erection of the Doan Science Building, made completely out of defective double D's.
Doane requested his body be used to coat Rosie O'Donnell's new waffle iron.
And that was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Available at jimearl.com.
Hey, everybody.
You're enjoying our Starlight Lounge music?
I don't know.
That music makes me want to talk like that.
Hey, everybody, how you doing?
Stylite Lounge Music.
That's what it says on the thing on the program I use.
Use GarageBay to do this.
It says, Stylite Lounge.
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Okay, let's get back.
Second half, lot of fun stuff coming up.
We got a phone call from Herman Cain, and we're going to talk about Colin Powell's, or did you say Colin Powell?
Or Colin Powell?
I don't know.
Okay, we're going to talk about him and his awkward position in the Republican Party.
Let's get back to the studio.
Let's get back to the studio.
The opinions expressed in the Jimmy Doer show are those of Jimmy and his panel of losers and do not necessarily reflect those of KPFK.
Any reuse of these opinions will result in getting laughed out of wherever the hell you repeat them because they couldn't stand up to the scrutiny of a bus filled with simpletons.
And now back to the Jimmy Door show.
Already in progress.
As soon as I get done talking, which would be right about now.
They were doing a thing on the NBC News.
They were following up with some Sandy Hurricane victims.
And this is just very quick.
This one lady was showing them how she repaired her house.
And she was trying to find words to describe how bad the destruction from the hurricane was.
And here's what she said.
It was very devastating.
I'll never forget it.
Everything was knocked over.
It was all pushed down there.
The whole backyard was like everything was like a tornado.
Everything was like a tornado.
Yes.
So I wonder how she describes tornadoes.
Oh, my God.
You wouldn't believe it.
It was like a hurricane.
It was like a strong wind.
She literally didn't know what hit her.
It was like a hurricane.
If it would have got any worse, it would have been like an earthquake.
Anyway, so then I was watching that extra comes on that e-news extra.
And they were talking about Oprah.
You know, Oprah went to Sweden, and they didn't let her buy a purse because she was black.
They thought she wasn't rich enough.
Switzerland, was it?
So she was in Switzerland.
They wouldn't let her buy a purse because they didn't know she was rich, but she was black.
And she's so she showed them.
She left and she bought the country.
And just for spite.
Just to spite them.
And here's how they covered it on e-news extra.
First up today, Oprah on the record about her face-off with a Swiss saleswoman.
Yeah, it was like a scene straight out of Pretty Woman.
And just like in the movie, Oprah got the last laugh.
What?
Like Pretty Woman in the movie?
You mean Oprah blew a rich guy and then he fixed it for her?
Is that what happened?
I don't see it.
Oh, you know, you remember Pretty Woman.
It's that beautiful love story of a woman who serendipitously finds love while blowing guys for cash.
So it's fun to watch.
You're doing with Colin or Colin.
How do you say it?
Colin.
All right, so Colin Powell, it's fun to watch Colin Powell.
If you don't know who he is, he's the black guy in the Republican Party.
He would be considered the intellect of the black guys of the Republican Party.
You know, it's him, Herman Kane, and J.C. Watts.
Dennis Steele.
And it's not a brain trust.
And Michael Steele.
Oh, Michael Steele.
Or maybe, and then who's the Alan Keys?
I think that's it.
I think we covered them all.
Oh, and that Alan West.
Alan West.
Yes.
So literally, Don Lemon.
That's funny.
All right.
So Colin Powell, it's fun to watch him.
He has to go on TV and explain away all the Republican racism.
He has to explain it away why he still says, yeah, you know, I'm trying to change it from the inside and all that stuff.
It's like, he would be like the last Jew to leave the Third Reich.
You know what I mean?
He would be like, ah, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get Hitler to come around.
You know, it's like, I don't think it's going to happen.
This is who they are.
You just compared the Republican Party to the Third Reich.
I just want to point that out.
But keep going.
No, what I'm doing is trying to compare Colin Powell being a member of a group that doesn't really like him and publicly is discriminating against him publicly and demonizing him.
Trayvon Martin, long-form birth certificate, voter rights.
And then now they're suppressing the vote of blacks all around the country.
And he still stays with them.
What is the psychology of that, Mark?
He's this close of saying, you know what?
I can't help it.
I just love these crackers.
He's that close.
What is the problem?
I mean, it's the Stockholm syndrome.
It's Stockholm syndrome, right?
That's exactly right.
It is Stockholm.
I mean, he can't, anyway.
So, by the way, he even-Well, I mean, I think in seriousness, I mean, think about it.
He wants to get out.
I'm positive he does.
But how do you do it?
It's like the mafia.
Years of Republican service.
Yeah, but I'm a Democrat.
But the Democrats would welcome him with open arms.
You know that.
And in fact, I mean his conscience.
I mean, he's even admitted to voting for Obama the last two times.
So what is wrong?
Just do it.
You could argue that working to fix the Republican Party because he believes, and I'm speaking for him.
Look, I mean, yes, I believe tomorrow he should just say, screw it, I'm a Democrat.
But I understand that this is a guy who's been a Republican for a long time.
He came out as a Republican.
And to just simply dismiss everything that the Republican Party stands for, it's not that easy.
To me, it would be real easy if at the tippy top of my party, they kept asking the first black president for his long-form birth certificate.
They kept implying that he was less than.
He wasn't one of us because he's black.
The fact that they, for no reason whatsoever, decided to get behind a white racist, George Zimmerman, who killed an unarmed 17-year-old black kid and try to demean that kid.
It's just a weird, you know, and it's endless.
I could sit here and go on and on and on and on and on, Mark.
I could go on and on.
My dad was a drunk who broke my football trophies and beat me up sometimes, but I haven't changed my last name.
Well, that's what I hey.
It's a part of who he is.
I think, you know, at some point, though, you have to make the leap.
But I would just.
He goes on, and Bob Schieffer asks him about the Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech.
And he said that it held a mirror up to America at the time.
And he asks Colin Powell how far we've come since that speech.
And here's what Colin Powell says.
A lot has been accomplished, and we should be so proud of our accomplishments.
But at the same time, that mirror should show us that there are still problems in this country, that there is still racial bias that exists in certain parts of our country.
Yeah, like certain parts that it exists in is called the United States.
It would be those parts.
It would be those parts.
And it's especially acute in the parts where your party is in power.
Those would be the parts that still have racial bias, those parts of America, Colin.
Well, let's not forget, after they were trying to lick their wounds after the Republicans got killed in the 2012 election, they went to have this big strategy meeting on how they could sort of reinvent their party, and they did it in Virginia at a former plantation.
Here he goes on.
Colin Powell goes on.
He's got more to say.
The concern I have now is that many states are putting in place procedures and new legislation that, in some ways, makes it a little bit harder to vote.
Yeah, you know, it almost seems like this was done deliberately by Coruthard.
By corrupt racists, but I can't be sure about it.
I'm Colin Powell.
I can't be sure about anything.
It almost looks like it's intentional.
Almost.
And he acts as if he just says, I have a concern about these procedures.
You know, not that it's affecting the turnout of an election.
Yeah, and can you be a little bit later to the par?
You just have a concern now?
Like, your hair isn't on fire that they're actively suppressing the vote all across the country.
And so, anyway, here he goes on.
He's got more, he's a little bit upset about the voter ID thing.
Need a photo ID.
Well, you didn't need a photo ID for decades before.
Is it really necessary now?
And they claim that there's widespread abuse and voter fraud, but nothing documents, nothing substantiates that.
There isn't widespread abuse.
And so these kinds of procedures that are being put in place to slow the process down and make it likely that fewer Hispanics and African Americans might vote, I think are going to backfire because these people are going to come out and do what they have to do in order to vote.
But can I ask you, what does it take to get that guy pissed off?
Exactly.
What does it hasn't happened yet?
Yellow cake.
No.
It didn't bother him enough as it was.
No.
And people.
He should be, to this day, he should be walking around muttering every day.
Yes.
Fucking yellow cake?
Yes.
Yes.
Yellow cake.
And he's not doing that even.
And yes.
And people think Obama's aloof.
I mean, this guy, and he doesn't want to damage his brand by calling out the crackers by name in his party, right?
So that's, he keeps doing all this.
Even worse, he says they.
It's not they.
It's his party.
It's his party that is perpetuating this.
Yes.
Is it possible he's such a genius?
He realizes he can get speech fees from both sides.
Yes.
As long as he keeps talking like this.
Yes.
He gets to be everybody's darling.
Then it makes him even worse.
Any university in America, regardless of the politics, can just say, I'm calling Val.
By the way, the Republican Party is going to hold their next convention at the soup plantation.
Very funny.
I get it.
It's got plantation.
I think it probably makes him more valuable as a black Republican than if he was a turncoat and became a Democrat, which people say, well, he's been a Democrat all alone.
He would just be like a traitor, you know, and he would be another black guy in the Democratic Party.
Whereas if he stays a Republican, his whole career is as a Republican.
They hate you at the Republican Party, Colin.
They want nothing to do with you.
They couldn't be making it more clear.
You're not welcome.
They don't want you, and you can't stay away from them.
It's like he is.
I'm guessing his dad was an alcoholic.
I'm going to guess.
I'm going to guess, right?
So here's Bob Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, the venerable reporter and newsman, journalist, anchor, stalwart of the truth.
Bob Schaefer decides to show us what it would sound like if Harry Reid was a news interviewer.
Some Republicans have been behind these efforts to tighten up voter ID laws and all that sort of thing.
Tighten up.
Tighten up.
Tighten up voter ID laws and all.
Tighten up.
Not suppress the vote.
Block voting.
Block it.
They're just tightening it up.
It's not a big deal.
You need to clean and tighten your voter laws.
Yeah.
As they try to get rid of that.
They try to block blacks and Hispanics from voting.
You mean that?
You mean that?
So here we go.
Listen, and he sounds just like Harry Reed.
This is how we're here.
Some Republicans have been behind these efforts to tighten up voter ID laws and all that sort of thing.
Are they closed-minded about that sort of thing and whatnot and what has it?
He's like embarrassed.
He's like embarrassed to ask the question.
You're right in all of that.
Because he didn't want to offend Colin Powell, who just got finished saying that his party is full of rednecks.
And so Bob Schaefer didn't want to ask if his party is still full of rednecks.
He didn't want to bring that up because that would be awkward to bring up in front of Colin Powell right now.
The elephant in the room.
He just sounded like John Calhoun.
I mean, he sounded like almost like old school Southern Democrat kind of agrees with the idea of voter ID law.
Yeah, they're just trying to.
That's the way it came across.
They're just trying to tighten it up.
And, you know, are they closed-minded?
Are they closed-minded?
It's simple.
Closed-minded is like being mildly stubborn.
Yeah, it's not like being a bigot.
It's not like being a bigot.
It's almost a good thing.
And trying to deny people power in their own government, right?
That's not the same thing as being closed-minded.
You think Medgar Evers thought that they were closed-minded?
You think that's what they thought?
Yeah.
I think he thought.
The guy that shot him was very, very close.
Very close.
Bull Connor, closed-minded.
Bulls.
So that was Bob Schaefer's big question.
The Republicans are trying to tighten up the voting process.
And do you think they're closed-minded?
And here's Colin Powell's reaction to that.
Well, I don't know if I would characterize it that way.
I think some of them.
That's awfully harsh, Bob.
Close mind.
That's very harsh.
Bob, you're going a little over.
That's beyond the pale.
They're good people.
These are good people who don't have it.
It's like saying, hey, Colin Powell, you were the Secretary of State.
Did you think that Osama bin Laden was closed-minded?
I wouldn't go that far, I should say.
But what would you say?
Here's what he would say.
Well, I don't know if I would characterize it that way.
I think some of them honestly feel that it is appropriate to ask for more identification.
When they start to say, let's restrict the number of voting hours or make it harder for students to vote, then I have to get a little bit suspicious of it.
Oh, wow.
Well, hey, let's give him Detective of the Year award right now.
He's starting to get a little suspicious of it, Mark.
This guy couldn't spot racism on a fucking slave ship.
They honestly feel honestly, it doesn't have anything to do with it.
Honestly, some of them honestly feel.
It's so good to know their heart is in the good place when they honestly feel that way.
Yes.
It's like on a slave ship.
You know, I realize ballast is important and weight distribution shackling is the best way to accomplish that.
Yeah, but some people honestly feel that shackling is the best way to accomplish it, but I get a little suspicious when I see only the blacks being shackled.
I get a little suspicious.
They honestly think blacks are not as smart.
And that's why they don't want them to vote.
So Colin Powell, I'm starting to get an insight into how he got duped by George W. Bush.
He's not the brightest guy.
He's not the brightest guy, this guy.
He's not.
He honestly felt those facts that they had weapons of mass destruction.
He read the speech that they gave him to read, and then he said, you know, that was a speech that I read.
I didn't mean it.
I just read the speech.
I just read the speech that's right you know he's not dancing around the truth he's tap dancing around the truth and he also built his career on Vietnam how'd that work out so you know who are we dealing with you so uh so here's came in second so here's what he has to say to his Republican here's what he has to say about his Republican to his Republican friends but here's the here's what I say to my my Republican friends The country is becoming more diverse.
And his Republicans' friends say, yes, that's why we have to suppress the black vote.
No.
We don't have a moment to lose.
And all the more reason to keep the Mexicans out.
Are you with me?
That's what he says to her.
I'll tell you the whole thing.
Here's what I say to my Republican friends.
The country is becoming more diverse.
Asian Americans, Hispanic Americans, and African Americans are going to constitute a majority of the population in another generation.
You say you want to reach out.
You say you want to have a new message.
You say you want to see if you can bring some of these voters to the Republican side.
Yeah, we tell you we want to reach out, but when you're not around, we make jokes about welfare in Michelle Obama's ass.
We don't really want to reach out.
We're just saying that.
Of course, they're just saying that.
Here we go.
This is not the way to do it.
The way to do it is to make it easier for them to vote and then give them something to vote for that they can believe in.
It's not enough to say just we have to have a new message.
We have to have a new substance to that new message.
Oh, okay.
So what you're saying is that everything about the Republican Party is wrong.
It's empty.
And they love it that way.
That's the way they like it.
You guys say you want to reach out and you believe them again, Colin Powell, just like you believe the yellow cake and you believe that.
You just believe that when they say they want to reach out.
You don't.
Oh, I thought they were reaching out for voter IDs.
Yeah, maybe that's what they were reaching out.
So then Bob asks him if he wishes Obama was more passionate when Obama talks about race issues.
He asks Colin Powell if Colin Powell wishes Barack Obama was more passionate.
Okay, so here we go.
So here he goes.
Here's what Colin Powell says to that question.
I like to see him be more passionate about race questions, and I think...
What?
Let me express my disappointment with his lack of passion.
Let me discuss.
Clearly, our generation is not connected.
Oh, no, it's the black rage that just flies out of him.
Yes.
Yeah, so I'd like to complain about Barack Obama's lack of passion in the most dispassionate way possibly.
So now he's going to tell a story right now about discrimination that happened to him when he came back from Vietnam.
And there's something particularly peculiar about the story, and it happens at the end.
And it's classic Colin Powell.
And see if you can find out what it is.
Over a long career in public life.
You know, I've been refused access to restaurants where I couldn't eat, even though I just came back from Vietnam.
We can't give you a hamburger.
Come back some other time.
And I did, right after the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed.
I went right back to that same place and got my hamburger.
They were more than happy to serve me now.
It removed a cross from their back.
But we're not there yet.
So what he's saying.
What?
He's not there yet.
So he's saying that he went right back there after they passed the Civil Rights Act to get a hamburger from that place that had refused him, even when he was in uniform.
And they were more than happy to serve him then.
See, the Civil Rights Act, it took the burden of discrimination off of nice white people.
White people didn't want to discriminate, but they had to because there wasn't a law saying they couldn't.
So they had to.
Unfortunately, he was getting that hamburger at Sambo's.
So it was kind of a point about taking a lot of crap from people.
Yeah, what a pointless exercise that was.
What the hell?
Sure, I was refused service for many years.
Maybe the compromise is you come up, you don't have your ID, they say no, sorry, you can't vote, but here's a hamburger in lieu of voting.
Sure, sure, I was refused service for many years, but the way I dealt with it was by burying all my rage and appearing to be calm, rational black Republican, rotting from the inside out.
He found a solution to that problem.
Yeah, that's how he handled it.
Yes, he wishes Barack Obama was more passionate.
And it's the white guy who denied him service who's actually nice.
He just needed the Congress to tell him to stop being a bigoted race.
If you don't put it in writing that I have to give you a hamburger, I can't give you a hamburger.
I can't give you a hamburger because you're black, but I'm nice.
I'm a nice person.
And who would know better than you, a black guy who I'm discriminating against?
Slavery.
Slavery was a huge cross to bear for the South.
Oh, as soon as the Emancipation Proclamation was so happy.
They were like, hey, come here, Blackie.
Come here.
There's a huge sigh of relief.
Whew.
Glad that's over with.
Well, what were we thinking?
And the same thing with the Nazis.
it's like asking adam family at the which kevin james had more acting right haha you *music* Okay, so we decided to call on our friend Herman Kane to help explain to us what is inside of Colin Powell's or Colin Powell's mind and what it's like to be a black guy and hang out with the other couple of black guys inside the Republican Party.
What's it like when they meet each other and what's it like at the parties?
Anyway, so we got our friend, friend of the show, Herman Kane, and he's going to explain to us what that's all about.
Have you ever met Colin Powell?
I have.
And how did that go?
Did you guys talk?
We were cordial.
You know, we give each other the, you know.
Yeah, what happened?
We're the brothers in the Republican Party nod.
Yeah.
What is kind of nod is that?
The two black guys in the Republican.
We don't know how to do it.
We're pretty way more awkward than you would imagine.
And we'll look like we're bobbing for apples.
People come on.
What the hell's wrong with you here next?
I don't know.
I'm trying to do something cool that I don't know how to do.
I do it better than he does, though.
Yeah, that's for sure.
And he learned it from Alan Keynes.
Alan Keynes makes me look like Superfly.
Yeah, yeah, he definitely says.
Well, we're probably veering into territory we shouldn't go to.
Okay, well, that's part of table, the black table at the Republican Party parties, right?
You, Colin Powell, that guy we just Alan Keyes, JC Watts.
Yeah, there's not many of us, but enough to serve their rhetorical purposes.
Yeah.
Just to give them enough cover to do whatever they want, whether it be demonize Trayvon Martin, suppress the black vote, or invade Iraq.
If white people need cover for their nefarious shit, there's always us token black Republicans around to Have their back.
Well, I just told you a secret that I should not have.
I better go.
All right.
Thanks, Herman.
It was great talking to you.
And you don't, oh, by the way.
Damage control.
By the way, how are you going to damage control?
How did you celebrate Martin Luther King Day?
I mean, you know, the big anniversary of the speech.
Wait, when was that?
What are we talking about?
It was the 28th, August 28th, Wednesday.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that was something else.
Herman, you don't even know who Martin Luther King Jr. was.
Was he on Hill Street Blue?
No.
He wasn't an actor at all?
No, no, Herman.
Martin Luther King.
Was he a safety for the Falcons?
No, Martin Luther King Jr., come on.
Civil rights leader.
Oh, I've heard of his dad.
Martin Luther King Sr.
Yeah, he was famous too, right?
No, I've never heard of him.
It's always been Martin Luther King Jr.
Wow, that's this.
Wow.
Now, I really, I get why you're a Republican.
Okay.
Well, Herman, that was amazing.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming and dropping it on us.
Okay.
Anytime.
I have to go.
All right.
Take care, buddy.
I got nothing else to do!
*laughter* *music*
Okay, so there's a lot more to that Herman Kane phone call.
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We talk about a lot of things, and he is hilarious.
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How could that be, Jimmy?
It just happens that way.
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Okay.
So I want to say this week, this week's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, Frank Coniff, Jim Earl, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yesemer, and Mark Van Landewitt, and Paul Kozlowski.
And special thanks to our good friend Mark Unger from the Fighting Ungers podcast for sitting in with us and being hilarious.
Okay, check him out at fightingungers.com.
I want to also say thanks to Sean James.
Shout out to if there's something wrong with your Macintosh, he can fix it for you right over the internet.
You just send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com and you spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
And you can give him a phone call, 347-695-0601.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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