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July 13, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Here's the quick fix for that.
It is up to date.
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
Hi, everybody.
I'm in Las Vegas this week telling jokes at the Bally's Casino, and I got on the elevator yesterday, and a woman got on holding a baby.
And I was like, how old is your baby?
She said, six months.
I was like, oh, six months.
Time to go to Vegas.
What is it about people bringing their kids to Las Vegas?
Oh, yeah, kids love Las Vegas.
The boozing, the gambling, the shows.
It's a children's paradise.
Hey, honey, you want to go to Disneyland?
No, daddy, I want to double down.
you know if you find yourself pushing a stroller through a casino maybe it's time you fired your travel agent It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-lovered lofies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hey, everybody, welcome to this week's episode.
I'm coming to you live from Las Vegas, Nevada.
I'm telling jokes at the Bally's Casino Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, connected to the Paris Hotel and Casino across the street from the Bellagio at Caesar's Palace.
And I don't know why I'm doing my adults or voice, but I am.
Okay.
Coming at you today, who's with me on the show in the studio, live from my Vegas hotel room, is the host of Comedy and Everything Else, Steph Zamorano, is here with us.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
Jimmy, I'm glad to be here.
A lot of Latinos here passing out flyers for hookers on this Las Vegas strip.
How do you feel?
Does it make you feel good about your people?
Yes, it makes me feel great about my people.
A bunch of people passing out things for hookers.
It's not necessarily just Latinos, Jimmy.
Who else have you seen?
I've seen some white people.
I have not, but good for you.
You got an eagle eye.
Okay, let's do some jokes before we get to the joke, shall we?
Hey, guess what?
George Zimmerman, turns out George Zimmerman's not going to testify at his trial, but he has offered to creepily follow any jurors who recently purchased candy and iced tea.
That's a good joke.
Hey, the Zimmerman trial, and it's not over.
So I'm going to hold off passing judgment on this murdering racist psychopath.
And I hope you do too.
Put off judgment.
Hey, guess what?
Elizabeth Hasselbeck is the new co-host of Fox and Friends.
Oh, crap.
Now that show's going to suck.
Yes.
Hey, guess what?
Rick Perry is exiting the governorship of Texas.
He says to spend more time in the private sector of women's uteruses.
Yeah, you get it.
Hey, guess what?
Elliot Spitzer, back in the news, Elliot Spitzer, going to make a run for comptroller of New York State, Elliot Spitzer.
He's learned his lesson.
Politicians are not allowed to pay for prostitutes.
Only allowed to be prostitutes.
See what I'm saying?
A little bit of a different thing there.
I wasn't expecting that.
Hey, guess what?
Crazy.
Pope John Paul.
You remember him, Pope John Paul?
Well, he has been officially cleared by the Catholic Church for sainthood.
What?
Yes.
So from here on out, sainthood will have all the gravitas of a daytime Emmy.
That's right.
Pope John Paul.
What's coming up on this week's show?
We got a lot of stuff in store for you.
First up, Egypt and the discussion of whether the Egypt power struggle was a coup or not.
The answer just might surprise you, or will it?
Plus, the immigration bill is going to pass the Senate, but we look at how it's being demagogued in the Congress so hard by the Republicans and so cravenly that even David Brooks calls them out on it.
True story.
Plus, we got phone calls from Rick Perry is going to call in Herman Cain, Barack Obama, and even maybe a Tuesdays with Moron.
Plus a lot, lot more.
That's this week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show.
So I'm watching ABC's this week with George Snuffalupigus, and he's not on it.
It's being hosted by the guest, Jonathan Carl, which is nice to get the, it's nice because not often do conservatives get a microphone in corporate America and their media.
So it's nice that they got a nice conservative, Jonathan Carl, to host a news talk show on a corporately owned news channel like ABC.
Very good.
Nice to hear the man get a voice in American politics.
Anyway, so he's hosting it.
And he's talking to a representative of the Egypt government.
Now, the big problem with the Egypt coup that recently happened, you know what happened with the Muslim Brotherhood?
Morsi was elected, officially elected, Democratically elected in Egypt.
He turned out to be a big jerk.
He turned out to be a big guy going for a power grab, consolidating power, trying to make his democratic election seem as undemocratic as he possibly could, right?
Did a big power grab, tried to circumvent all the stuff, even suspend the Constitution and make whatever he said be the law of the land.
So he was trying to democratically impose a dictatorship.
Anyway, so the people rose up.
They were against it.
From the statistics I saw, 13 million people voted for Morsi and over 14 million people were in the streets protesting his ouster.
So anyway, so the military then ousted him.
Now, the problem With the military ousting Morsi is that the American government has a law that says we cannot send foreign aid to any country that is being that was overthrown militarily in a military coup.
Okay, so there's a sticking point because it was a military coup.
So here's the representative of the current Egyptian government goes on this week with George Nufalopagus.
David Jonathan Carl is the guest host, and he puts it right to him.
We cannot, our government cannot give aid to a country that has been run by a military after a military coup.
Do you expect the $1.5 billion in aid from the U.S. to be cut off?
So there's the big question.
Do you expect the $1.5 billion in military aid that we hand over to the Egyptians every year to be cut off?
Because according to our rules, it's a no-go if there's a military coup.
And here, wow, watch, here's some real politicking, some real statesman's craft from the guy from Egypt.
Egypt has not undergone a military coup, and it is certainly not run by the military.
No, no.
No, it's not.
It wasn't a military coup, and it's not being run by the military.
All those guys pointing their guns at you, they're not soldiers.
They're just going duck hunting.
That's it.
A military coup is when the army ousts the elected president and takes over the government.
What happened here was the army took over the government and then they ousted the elected president.
So not exactly the same thing.
See, a little different.
They did a little.
Hey, listen, the military was only following the will of the people and removing Morsi, which is the great thing about elections when you think about it.
If you don't like the results, you can just arrest the president for being unpopular.
Yeah, the military never pushed Morsi out of office.
He just quit being president because he didn't want to get shot.
That's what happened.
And why would we overthrow the government at risk of losing $1.5 billion unless we were absolutely sure you were going to give us the money anyway, right?
Okay, so that's the kind of pickle that the United States government and the new Egyptian, well, it's the same.
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
That's the kind of predicament that the U.S. and Egypt finds themselves in.
The United States wants to keep, you know, we give Egypt money to give them a billion and a half dollars every year so they don't attack Israel.
That's kind of the deal.
And but all we really want to know is who are we supposed to give the money to?
I have an idea.
It's probably the guy with the gun.
That's who you give the money to.
You give the money to the guy with the funny hat, the epaulettes on his shoulders, and the big gun.
So this is just a quick lesson in how politics works, right?
Politics are performed and instituted by men of extreme principle unless reality bumps into those principles and then they do backward gymnastics to try to make their integrity match up with their public politics, which doesn't match up whatsoever.
Hey, it was a military coup.
No, it wasn't.
Why do you say that?
Because we don't want it to be that.
So go ahead.
Well, ultimately, it's not a military coup because you have 14 million people that want Morsi out of office and they're protesting.
And so at what point, which point is the will of the people a military coup?
Okay, well, you know, good point.
I guess in democracies, if they were going to consider that they had a democracy step, that they would have to vote him out.
So they didn't vote him out.
They just decided to get rid of him.
But do you really have to vote out a despot?
Do you vote out somebody who's abusing their power?
I mean, if you have a, I guess if you have what you call a democracy, that's, you know, we didn't throw out George Bush even after it was revealed that he lied us into a war, was actively lying about plenty of things, ordering war crimes, even after all these things were revealed.
It was revealed that he was doing the NSA spying.
So no, no, we didn't.
We were like, wow, we're a democracy.
You can't just throw a guy out.
There's protocol.
There's a series of events that has to happen.
You know, they impeached Bill Clinton and he didn't even have to leave office.
So they impeached him, but he still gets to be.
So there's a bunch of systems of rules.
You got to follow.
They didn't follow any of them in Egypt.
They just were like, okay, there's a lot of people protesting.
What happened was it seemed like, and here's, I think, the Egypt's military strongest argument was they were like, hey, we were trying to avoid.
Because people are saying, wait a minute, it's a military coup.
You military couped it.
And what the military coup should have said was, no, no, what we were doing was instituting the will of the people.
Right.
Because if we didn't, what was going to happen, what the result would have been, was a civil war.
Right.
So we had to step in to avoid a civil war because the guy who's running the country right now was doing such a piss poor job of it that we had to step in because there was going to be violence.
And so we stepped in to clear things up.
We're going to have democracy as soon as we get rid of this guy because democracy doesn't always work.
We had a little bit too much democracy.
It's screwed up.
And now we're going to get rid of him and get a better democracy going.
That's what it sounds like.
I don't think she does.
Yeah, I could have it.
No, that's fine.
It always helps.
Because also this guitar, I think, is just.
It's out of tune, but I just don't feel like it.
Oh.
I live back to Ohio.
How much do you want?
Is that enough?
Yeah, that's fine.
Maybe two months.
I'll take a little off.
How about that?
I have to take a little off the top.
That's fine.
We'll see.
I'll do the sad one first for you, Jimmy.
Oh, she's going to play a sad song and then a happy song.
Jimmy's sensitive, so it might affect him.
Yeah.
I cry at poetry sometimes.
Yeah, you don't need these.
You sure?
You cry at poetry?
Oh, that's not bad.
Okay.
If there's a moment of silence, look at your phone.
And if you don't know what to say, you can look at your phone.
Don't go looking around.
Everyone's looking down.
Look at your phone, look at your phone, look at your phone.
What you gotta do when the grid goes down?
And will you have a plan for yourself for when the grid goes down?
Or Will you be all alone?
just staring at your cold dead phone in an apartment in west colina You have to check it.
You have to check it.
You could have some messages from someone far away.
Someone with something to say.
If there's a moment of silence, look at your phone.
Thank you.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
So the immigration bill is making its way through Congress.
And it got brought up on this week's press the meet with David Gregory.
And here of all people is David Brooks.
Now, the immigration bill does everything that the Republicans ever wanted it to do, and including very draconian or very overly militarizing the border between the United States and Mexico.
Let's remember, Mexico is a country that does not threaten us militarily or any other way.
They want to militarize this way more than Israel has militarized their border with the Gaza Strip.
Okay, so people want to make it crazy.
So it's already a big giveaway, this immigration bill to the military-industrial complex, which is the only way they can get Republicans to go along with it in the first place.
But now they're still opposing it.
They're still opposing it.
And here's what David Brooks, now, you know, David Brooks is the New York Times columnists who Matt Taibbi makes fun of almost on a weekly basis for being so ridiculously backwards and out of touch.
Well, guess what?
Even he gets this one right.
Let's see what he has to say.
You know, I've seen a lot of intellectually weak cases in this town.
I've rarely seen as intellectually a weak cases the case against the Senate immigration bill.
The Republicans say they want to reduce illegal immigration.
The Congressional Budget Office says the Senate bill will reduce it by a third to a half.
Listen to that.
The Congressional Budget Office, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, says the new immigration bill in the Senate will reduce illegal immigration from a quarter to a half.
By the way, illegal immigration already at a low, almost at an all-time low.
In fact, immigration is reversing.
More people are going back to Mexico than are coming from Mexico into the United States.
So David Brooks makes a great point to start off.
Okay, let's go back to the top and get a running start on this.
You know, I've seen a lot of intellectually weak cases in this town.
I rarely seen as intellectually a weak cases the case against the Senate immigration bill.
The Republicans say they want to reduce illegal immigration.
The Congressional Budget Office says the Senate bill will reduce it by a third to a half.
They say they want economic growth.
All the top conservative economists say it will produce economic growth.
They say they want to reduce the debt.
CBO says it will reduce the debt.
All the big major objectives that Republicans stand for, the Senate immigration bill will do.
So you're telling me that the Congress, the Senate, has constructed a bill on immigration that does everything that the Republicans pretend to say or pretend to want.
They say they want.
According to David Brooks, Mr. right-winger at the New York Times, this immigration bill coming out of the Senate does everything they want.
It cuts immigration.
It saves us money on our budget.
And so the other things they're talking about are secondary and tertiary issues, whether we get 86% border protection or 90%.
Compared to the big things this bill does, they're minuscule.
Mystified, by the way.
So I don't know if you caught that at the end.
He's saying this bill does everything that the Republicans have been clamoring for for years, and they're still going to vote against it.
And he's mystified.
He's a journalist, right?
David, yes.
So I'm not quite sure why he's mystified by the behavior of the conservatives.
David Brook, mystified, really, David, after five straight years of Republican obstructionism, even opposing bills that Bob Dole came out of his deathbed to sit on the Senate floor to make sure it passed didn't pass.
Even those kind of bills didn't pass.
And yet David Brooks, one of our chief journalists in America, is mystified at the Republican obstructionism during the Obama administration.
Well, I guess we know who was a lock for this year's shittiest detective ever award.
I guess it would be David Brooks.
Well, David Brooks, let me introduce you to the party that you've supported your entire adult life.
He's mystified by them.
Wow.
Well, it turns out, David, that that loud grinding sound that's always in your head, that's called cognitive dissonance.
That's what that sound is.
Yes, David, the real shock coming from the party whose best possible choice for president.
Yes, David, this is a real shock, especially coming from the party whose best possible choice for president was Mitt Romney.
Republicans simply want illegal immigrants to wait a reasonable length of time for citizenship, you know, like the rest of their lives.
So David Brooks actually says something that's logical and rational about immigration.
And you know what?
That's, you know, where that's going to put him at Republican dinner parties.
That's right.
He'll be sitting next to David from.
You know, Jimmy, I'm a little curious.
Like on this panel this past week, were there also, I don't know, Latino leadership on that panel that was discussing the immigration issue?
There was a Latino on the panel, but he was from Utah.
So not a real, oh, I'm sorry, he was from Idaho.
Yes, the Idaho Latino is Raul Labrador.
So he's one of these.
He says he's like Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.
He's about the craziest.
Plus, they have some kind of lightly brown skin.
So that's supposed to represent Latinos.
You know, that's like, you know, that's like taking a Jewish guy who's for Auschwitz and saying, look, the Nazis have a Jewish guy.
They can't be so bad.
Okay, that's not the perfect analogy, but you get exactly what I'm saying.
Now, Representative Raul Labrador from Ohio, he's generally considered to be a little squishy on illegal immigration, but he's against this immigration bill, too.
In fact, he was on Meet the Press with David Gregory last week, and he was claiming that he was against this immigration bill because it doesn't secure the border enough.
So we all know this is BS.
This is a guy in Idaho who's against this bill, even though it says everything he says.
Because let's face it, he's the Latino guy from Idaho, and he can't be seen being in favor of immigration reform.
Do you understand?
It's like, oh, so you're the who else?
Of course, we're going to get the Latino guy from Idaho to be against the immigration reform bill.
Okay, so let's get back to Press to Meet with David Gregory.
And here's George Will, resident this week with George Snuffle up against panel member.
And here's what he says.
Now, he says comprehensive immigration reform will never pass.
And he's got a pretty peculiar reason for it.
And Jimmy, is George Will the guy with a cap of hair and crazy glasses?
He's the guy who actually has his own hair that he combs to look like it's a toupee.
That's George Will.
Okay, gotcha.
So now we know who George is.
So here's what he says.
He says immigration, comprehensive immigration will never pass because four Augusts ago, four Augusts ago, they tried to pass comprehensive health care reform and then they went home to their districts.
Oh, you know what?
I'll let George Will tell you.
Here's what George, here's how George Will describes it.
Furthermore, don't look at July, look at August.
Four Augusts ago, Congress was in the pensive reform, that time of health care.
The Republicans went home and the Democrats went home and held town meetings.
An uproar broke out.
And when they go home this August, the Republican.
So did you hear what he just said?
He goes, yes, four summers ago, they were trying to pass health care reform.
And the Democrats went home to their districts and the Republicans went home to their districts.
And how did he put it?
How did he say it?
Congress was in the pensive reform, that time of healthcare.
The Republicans went home and the Democrats went home and held town meetings.
An uproar broke out.
And when they go home this August, the Republican.
An uproar broke out.
And guess what happened after that uproar?
They immediately went back to Washington, D.C. and passed comprehensive health care reform.
So if George Will's analogy is correct, what happened four Augusts ago when they passed comprehensive health care reform is going to happen again, and they're going to go back and pass.
So that was like one of the worst examples.
It's like George Will is saying, you know why, here's why I predict comprehensive immigration reform won't pass.
Because four years ago, they tried to pass comprehensive health care reform, and that also passed.
So I'm guessing this won't pass.
How do guys like this get to go on TV?
Yeah, George, if there's one constituency the House Republicans respect, it's angry racists.
I guess that's his point because they're going to go home and get an earfill from earful from angry racists at their town halls about immigration.
Sure, George.
George Will makes a good point.
Nothing pisses off rank and file Republicans like using government to make life better for everybody.
Oh, yeah.
I can see how George Will would make that observation, you know, given how far up his ass, his head usually is.
Okay.
He's making the analogy between health care, comprehensive health care reform, and comprehensive immigration reform.
And yes, George, they're exactly the same, except the Republicans lost that one too.
Okay, George, keep that in mind.
Yeah, the Republicans will never vote for immigration reform because it would interrupt their march to oblivion.
This is the analogy, George.
This is the thinker.
George, he's brought on as a thinker.
That's why he's brought on George Will for his ideas and opinions.
Yes, George Will has a real gift for analogies that may seem poorly thought out at first, but when you think about them for a while, make you want to punch a wall.
That's the leading conservative intellect on immigration.
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Okay.
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There's a lot more coming up in the second half of today's show.
But right now we're up against a break.
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Now let's get back to the second half of the show.
Everybody, welcome back to this week's show.
I'm doing a special show this week live from my hotel Suite in Las Vegas on the Las Vegas Strip.
I'm joined by Steph Samurano, the host of Comedy and Everything Else.
And we're talking about a lot of stuff today.
Coming up on the second half, we're going to have phone calls today from Barack Obama.
That's right.
Johnny Depp is going to call and say hello.
Johnny Depp plays Tonto, plays Tonto in the new Lone Ranger movie.
Plus, we got Herman Kane going to call in, plus Rick Perry going to call in, plus a lot more that's coming up on the second half of today's show.
Now, let's get back to the suite in my hotel room in Las Vegas.
Okay, so get this.
So President Obama decided he's taking a trip to Africa.
He took his wife with him the whole deal.
And they stopped by a place called Gorey Island.
I don't know if you know what Gorey Island is, but Gorey Island is famed because it was the last spot for African slaves to be herded before they put them on a ship and sent him over to the new world to become slaves, doing what all the slaves did, whatever they did.
So Barack Obama went there and visited it like two former presidents of the United States have done to make it's a big symbolic gesture, right?
And let's hear what he had to say after visiting Goree Island.
G-O-R-E-E, Goree Island.
Okay.
When it comes to the defense of people's to remain vigilant, when it comes to the defense of people's human rights, this is a testament to when we're not vigilant in defense of what's right.
Defense of what's right.
So he's all about you got to stand up for what's right.
You got to remain vigilant.
And the irony there is so thick, you could cut it with the hunger strike-ridden arm of a Guantanamo detainee.
Huh?
No, that's first of all, that's good writing.
Second of all, yeah, he knows it's important to protect human rights.
And the first thing you do when you protect human rights is to not prosecute war criminals and those who didn't respect human rights in the first place.
That's what Barack Obama is doing, Steph.
Sure, hey, he knows it's important to protect human rights because he read it in some activists' emails that the government illegally read.
Yes, he knows that's how important it is.
I don't know, I think it's kind of ironic that Barack Obama, you know, everything he does now from here on out that kind of stands up for the, you know, pretends to symbolically, because that's all this is.
He'd go into Gory Island.
It's symbolic that he went there to stand up symbolically for the plight of the people who were oppressed by major governments of the world.
It's just symbolic because now he's the leader of a government doing the exact same thing to people all over the place.
In fact, I think we have him on the phone.
Do we have Barack Obama on the phone?
Hi, we have another phone.
President Barack Obama.
Hi, Mr. President.
How are you doing?
Hey, Jimmy.
Did you see me on Glory Island?
Great follow-up, especially for the first black president.
Yes, Gorey Island commemorates the horrible history of the slave trade.
Standing there in that spot where slaves were once held, it's an important symbol.
I'm living proof that an African-American president can be just as big a hypocrite as anybody else.
You know, it's weird to hear you admit that, sir, especially when referencing slavery.
Speaking of slavery, I'm just a slave to the National Security Agency.
I do whatever they tell me to.
You know, that's a horrible joke, sir.
I wish it were a joke.
These guys are dirty, Jimmy.
They got me.
They make Jay Andrew Hoover look like Paul Blark.
Look like who?
Paul Blark Maul Cop.
The Kevin James vehicle.
You never heard of that?
Oh, yeah, I remember Kevin James.
It was funnier than expected.
I know I'm a brainie act.
He went to Harvard, but I must admit that I love me some Kevin James.
The guy makes me laugh.
Now, Barack, you said that Gorey Island was a reminder that you have to stay vigilant on human rights, but you're violating rights all over the place.
Guantanamo's still open.
Well, hey, look, I'm all for vigilance in the defense of human rights, but, you know, I'm not a fanatic.
But, Barack, what you are doing to violate the Constitution and international law is kind of unprecedented.
You're worse than Bush and Cheney.
Now it's been five years.
Can we get back to repealing the Patriot Act, restoring the Constitution, and protecting our most basic human rights?
We will protect our most basic human rights, I promise.
Right after we finish fighting terrorism for God knows how many more years.
Mr. President, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to let me down personally today.
Hey, by the way, Jimmy, you're getting screwed on your data overage with Verizon.
God damn it, Barack.
Stop looking at my personal shit.
I hate that.
Yeah, you do it, baby.
Okay.
Now I'm going to eat it.
Serry.
Okay, well, I appreciate the President of the United States stopping in to clarify all his BS.
But guess what?
The big story from this trip over to Africa was it was between Michelle Obama and Laura Bush.
They sat down and they had like a little First Lady summit in front of a live audience there.
And what happened was Cokie Roberts happened to be there, Cokie Roberts over in Africa.
Cokie, somebody named Cokie, is over there and she was interviewing the two First Ladies at the First Lady Summit in front of a live audience.
And she was asking her about what it's like to live in the White House as a First Lady.
And here's how Michelle Obama responded.
No, there are prison elements.
But it's a really nice prison.
The with the ship.
Yeah, you can't complain.
Okay, so that's what she said.
She said, there are really, it's a real, really, there are prison elements about living in the White House, but it's a really nice prison.
Now, the right-wing blogosphere went crazy about that.
They clipped that little piece of what she said, and they were like, oh, Michelle Obama, who barely said she was never proud of America until she was an adult and married to Barack Obama.
Now it says this, and it's so, it was unbelievable to see the right-wing bloggers.
So here, I'm going to play you the full quote.
So here's the full quote of what Michelle Obama said.
Ready?
Here's the full quote.
She was being asked a question by Cokie Roberts, who was quoting, by the way, Martha Washington, who said living in the White House was a lot like living in a prison.
Well, here's how Cokie Roberts states the question to Michelle Obama.
This is the part you didn't hear in the right-wing blogosphere.
Just founded just a very freeing and liberating opportunity.
No, there are prison elements.
So Michelle Obama said she found it very freeing.
Cokie Roberts inserts, you don't know prison elements, quoting Martha Washington.
And Michelle Obama says, no, no, no, they're prison.
So there's the whole thing.
Okay.
So here's the whole clip.
I'm going to play the whole clarity.
But it's a really nice prison.
The with the ship.
Yeah, you can't complain.
Andrea.
So you can't complain.
All that stuff.
So there's Michelle Obama and the First Lady, Barbara Bush, and Laura Bush, and they're just having a good old time, and she's being exactly what you want the First Lady to be.
They come back to the studio, and here is David Gregory.
He puts the question to Andrea Mitchell.
Andrea is the White House prison.
And Andrea Mitchell says.
I'm so glad you played the whole thing because it was Cokie Roberts quoting from Martha Washington.
I believe she'd written a book on First Ladies who described it as a prison.
And that's what Michelle Obama was responding to in a jocular way and also giving some serious thought to how it's such a privilege to be First Lady.
And of course, the blogosphere, the conservative blogosphere, took off on Michelle Obama describing as it a prison, which is not what she did.
Okay, so there you go.
Andrea Mitchell saying, wow, I'm glad you showed the whole clip, David, unlike what the whole right-wing blogosphere did, the blogosphere did on this when they just clipped it.
And then she said, I'm glad you did that.
But guess what?
Andrea Mitchell's going to do on Monday stuff.
She's going to go right back to pretending that they didn't do that.
She's going to go right back to pretending that the right-wing blogosphere is just as equally legitimate as the left-wing blogosphere and the centrist blogosphere.
And that Fox News is just as legitimate as NSNBC or CNN or ABC.
By the way, all those news agencies are horribly, woefully lacking, but they're not as bad as Fox News, which isn't, they're not lacking anything.
You know, so they're doing exactly what they're supposed to do.
So that's the killer there.
And then she brings it up.
She mentions that she tells David Gregory, hey, this is a big story that was being distorted in the right-wing blogosphere.
David Gregg completely ignores it, just moves on to the next thing.
No, he's not going to stop there and go, yeah, what is it with the right wing that they have to seemingly endlessly distort what Barack Obama, like that whole, their whole Republican convention was built on a distortion of a quote by Barack Obama when he said, you didn't build that.
He wasn't, okay, we all know that.
So again, this crazy false equivalence that's happening in the mainstream media.
I expect Fox News and the right-wing blogosphere to be as crazy as they possibly can.
I don't expect the mainstream media to not call them out for it.
And so here, Andrea Mitchell actually does it.
And David Gregory and the rest of the, like it didn't even happen.
That's it.
It was said.
David Gregory doesn't acknowledge it.
Doesn't go, yeah, maybe we should do a whole show on that one day about how every time.
This, by the way, this is the same show that David Brooks just said.
I don't get it.
I'm mystified by the right wing's actions opposing immigration.
Yet we're all mystified.
They're making stuff up.
When they're not making stuff up, they're going against the stuff they claim to want.
Again, what's wrong with this country right now is that there's one part of their political process, one part, one political party is completely bat shit crazy.
Yes, Jimmy, and I have to say, you know, every time I listen to this clip between, you know, Cokie Roberts and Michelle Obama, I am very conflicted about the whole thing, too, because really, I don't think I ever need to see Michelle Obama sitting beside Laura Bush.
You know what?
I'm with you on that.
I don't know.
There just seems to be like this, I don't know, something in the media, they want us to feel that it's all okay between the Bush and the administration and the Obamas.
So that makes sure, but that makes everything that the Bush administration did and everything the Obama administration's doing okay because those two administrations are getting along.
Yeah, think how well the first ladies get along.
Well, guess what, Steph?
Cokie Roberts makes that very point.
Here's how Cokie Roberts sums it up on this on this week with George Snuffalope.
And it was very important to those women in Africa because they feel strongly that often when somebody is out of office, that person goes to jail or gets shot.
Right.
And the notion of seeing these two women from different parties who have been killed.
Let's be very clear.
They were never in office.
Let's be perfectly clear.
Michelle Obama hasn't been elected to office, nor has Laura Bush been elected to office.
I like how she says that in Africa, there's leaders, you know, those leaders.
Yeah, in our country, Cokie, our leaders don't get shot or go to jail, no matter how badly they broke the law or broke the Constitution.
For F's sake, they ordered war crimes to cover up other war crimes, and everybody knows about it, and nothing happened.
What a better example to set for the African nation than plutocrats don't hold other plutocat plats responsible for their malfeasance while in government.
Oh, yeah, that's a really important message to send to those women of Africa, Cokie, that the white and black plutocrats in America have an agreement to never prosecute or even hold each other accountable for anything they do.
That's why ours is the greatest country in the world, Steph, because our leaders always manage to find common ground and then bury each other's crimes under it.
And it's nice to see Andrea Mitchell defend the White House on some joke Michelle Obama made about living in a prison in the White House.
It's just too bad that Andrea Mitchell also can't defend the White House on Medicaid, Social Security, and Obamacare.
And let's just hope that the cable news will stop wasting time reporting mean-spirited attacks on Michelle Obama and focus on things that are really important, like what she's wearing and if she has bangs or not.
*laughs*
*music*
Okay, having a phone, we have Governor Rick Perry.
Hi, Governor.
Hey, Jimbo, how you doing?
It's Governor Rick Perry here in the great state of Texas.
Hi, Governor.
Hey, man.
Hey, look, I am so sick of people saying that I'm attacking women's health.
Well, you are.
No, I love women, man.
Some people related to me or are women.
My wife, for instance.
She's a girl, right?
Yes, she's a girl, Governor.
Right.
And it's not like I want her uterus to explode or nothing.
Well, nobody's such.
Go ahead.
I just don't believe in abortion.
I just don't, you know, or a woman's ability to prevent pregnancy.
Think about it, dude.
If a woman can't make babies, then why are they a thing?
Right?
That sounds horrible.
What do you mean?
Women have a Lot of other functions than just being baby factories.
Well, no, if they can't make a baby, then they're like a car without a motor.
But you still got to put gas in and oil it and talk to it about some bullshit like feelings or what you did that day or probably what she did.
*crackling*
I mean, for example, take that Wendy Davis kick indeed.
Talk, talk, talk, talk.
All you do is talk, talk.
I bet she wouldn't be so yackety yak if she had a baby coming out of her vagina, don't you know what I mean?
Rick, Governor, this is you're you're digging yourself a bigger hole.
No, no, it's a symbol of you hating women's health.
Well, what is it that you makes you so anti-no?
I do not hate women's health.
I hope she has a super healthy vagina.
I don't want to know about it, though.
I did not want to know.
My wife starts talking about her lady parts, and I'm like, no, thank you.
If you want me to talk about that stuff, that's fine.
But me and the boys are going to go up to Niggerhead for a while to do some hunting and Greco-Roman wrestling.
A lot of people thought I played football in high school.
No, I was a wrestler.
Yeah, well, that kind of makes sense that you're a wrestler.
But listen, I don't want to beat a dead horse on this Wendy Davis thing, but.
Okay, enough of this, man.
Jimmy, when are you going to come out and visit me, huh?
I got a great place.
Seriously.
Sometimes it burns down to the ground, but sometimes it doesn't.
We could ride horses and go for walks, and I got matching bathtubs overlooking a field.
I'm just saying it's pretty nice.
No pressure.
I don't understand matching bathtubs overlooking a field.
I don't.
I don't know.
If you don't take a bath, and I do too, then we could take a bath at the same time and look at a virgin vista together.
Maybe hold hands.
Whatever.
Maybe not.
Okay, okay.
Just painting a picture.
I got it.
Okay.
I'm just going to let that invitation hang there for a little bit.
So, okay.
Anything else you want to know?
No, I guess that's it, Governor.
I appreciate you taking time.
Thanks for the invitation.
Well, anytime.
Seriously, we want to see you come down here and hang out in Texas, and we'll set you straight on all your liberal workshop.
Okay.
I'll say you do, Jimmy, but remember, man, what happens in Rick Perry stays in Rick Perry.
All right.
Thank you, Governor.
Arriva Derchie.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Music.
you From Desperate Housewives, creator Mark Cherry and star Evan Longoria bring to lifetime a show that stars a cast of Latinas.
Finally, FIVA at long last.
The new series is all about a bunch of maids.
Devious maids.
Wow.
It's so nice to know that in the 21st century, the stereotypes of the Hispanic population are alive and well in Hollywood.
Some people say to support devious maids, otherwise, it will take longer for executives to embrace diversity and future programming.
While others say this show is nothing more than a humiliating depiction of Latinas who are left to play two-dimensional characters that are either oversexed or oversexed.
Can we help it that we are curvy, sexy women who like to clean homes and care for the dominant culture's babies?
I look forward to the day when I'm cast as the hilarious female that just happens to be Mexican.
And the only cleaning up I do is removing my makeup at the end of the day on the set.
Hey, the George Zimmerman trial wrapped up this week.
So here's this segment we did on the premium a couple weeks ago when this trial first started.
We haven't dropped it on the podcast yet.
So here it is.
Previously only in the premium content.
Here it is now.
Enjoy it.
So I'm watching the George Zimmerman case.
And let's remember, folks, you don't want to judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes and shoot an unarmed black kid.
All right?
Let's remember that.
So here's how the prosecutor.
So, well, you know what?
Let's do it this way.
Here's how the defense counsel in the middle of a murder trial at the beginning of a murder trial with a dead kid, teenager's parents sitting in the front row and six women on the jury.
Here's how he decides to open.
Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
And this is not one of those times.
This wouldn't be one of those times we have to be silent to keep from laughing.
Yes.
So let me at considerable risk, let me say.
Considerable risk.
I've got a professional comedian.
Here goes nothing.
And I mean nothing.
I know how that may sound a bit weird in this context under these circumstances.
But I think you're the perfect audience for it.
No, they are not.
No.
Not even close.
No.
As long as you don't, if you don't like it or you don't think it's funny or inappropriate that you don't hold it against Mr. Zimmerman, you can hold it against me if you want, but not Mr. Zimmerman.
I have your assurance.
You won't.
Here's how it's going to be.
Oh, my God.
That's the longest setup in history.
I'll tell you, that was 39 seconds for a knock-known joke.
39 seconds.
No knock-knot joke is any good.
Of apologies for what's coming.
Before he said, you know, if you have to apologize for a joke for over a half a minute before you tell it, maybe you don't tell that joke.
Maybe you don't.
Maybe you don't.
I don't know.
Don't they have that class in when to tell a joke in lawyering school?
Doesn't law school have a when to tell a joke when not?
How about if you're hey, opening statement of a really terrible joke at the beginning of a murder trial teenager?
So here it is.
Well, by the way, he's workshopping the joke, too.
It's not like he sent this one out and tried it on the business.
He has tried it at a couple other trials.
Now, this is the first trial.
You should have tried it out in some smaller rooms.
You should try it at like a traffic court trial.
Yeah, you started maybe a night court, maybe weekend in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do maybe a grand jury.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
Here's the joke.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman.
Who?
All right, good.
You're on the jury.
That's the joke.
That is no joke.
Very meta.
Nope, not a crack smile in the room.
Not even a crack smile.
They're not showing the jury, but they are showing the rest of the courtroom.
Not nothing.
Peep, nothing.
And then here's how he responds.
Nothing?
Screw you.
That's funny.
Hey, welcome to Uncle Chucker's Fuckle Hug.
Tip your waitresses.
Yeah, folks, I'm here all week.
Try the meal.
I expected more on that one.
Is this thing on?
Come on, what's wrong with you people?
You all come on the same bus?
Y'all come on a trip.
Was this a murder trial or something?
It's death out there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm dying.
I'm dying worse than Martin.
That's funny.
After what you folks have been through the last two or three weeks.
He tries to pretend like it's their fault.
After what you guys have been through these last two or three weeks, you should really enjoy a horribly inappropriate joke to start this trial.
See, all he, the point he was trying to make was, oh, you guys have these are the qualifications for Voidir.
It took a long, long time.
All he had to do is come out and say, Voider took a long time.
I sympathize with you.
It was not a fun experience.
Let's move on.
That's all he had to do, but instead, he did this bizarre.
Bizarre.
So now the prosecutor has to top it.
Ice sculpture.
I'm going to go with ice sculpts.
So here's how the prosecutor opens up his remarks.
Ready?
Good morning.
Good start.
That's a good start.
A good morning.
Nice.
It isn't.
Good morning.
Fucking pumps.
These assholes, they always get away.
Oh, easy.
Yo, yo.
How about it, ladies and gentlemen of the jury?
And what I'm going to show you today.
F-bomb.
Wow, you started off with the F-bomb.
My dad would have kicked my ass.
A language.
He goes on.
Those were the words in that grown man's mouth as he followed in the dark a 17-year-old boy who he didn't know.
Excuse my language, but those were his words, not mine.
Yeah, that doesn't make it okay, by the way.
You can't get away with that ever.
Fucking pumps.
Ah, stop it.
These assholes, they always get away.
Okay, so I'm watching this on MSNBC.
First of all, can I just backtrack to the guy's knock-knock joke for a second?
The thing that gets me about that knock-knock joke is that it's the start of a teenager's murder trial.
The parents are sitting in the front row, kind of weeping already.
Right.
And this guy decides to try to get a laugh.
You know, Chris Rock couldn't get a laugh in that situation.
How about we try the unfunniest guy in the state?
You don't really need to lighten the tension.
There's tension.
Live with the tension.
Don't try to lighten the tension.
Chris Rock would go down in flames in that situation.
So now here's how I was watching on MSNBC, and I'm like, oh my God, they're swearing on television.
And here's how Chuck Todd breaks in.
Ready?
Fucking punks.
These assholes.
They always get away.
Well, we have decided that we have to institute a seven-second delay.
I apologize.
Really?
Chuck Todd sincerely regrets if this obscene language spoiled anybody's enjoyment of a racially charged murder trial.
You know what's a riveting opening statement, Robert, when even the censors forget to hit the fuck shit asshole button.
Oh, it's right there in front of him.
That is.
These must be the two worst litigators in the state of Florida.
I actually think that was kind of good that he opened it.
I actually thought it worked.
I didn't know.
But the problem is, is that if you, I mean, if you start that hot, there's no top it.
First of all, you can't stop it.
Second of all, there's no way the jury heard the next five sentences out of that.
I think you're right.
You know, but they say, just like a stand-up routine, that in a lawyering, people remember how a trial opens and how a trial closes.
And all the stuff in the middle gets kind of, and that is true about comedy.
I know that.
I know that for a fact.
No, that's true.
That people remember how if you open strong and you close strong, that's what people remember.
That's why comedians try to close big.
Right.
Because people don't remember anything if you don't close big.
Yeah.
So, yeah, that was Chad.
I'm like, don't you guys always have the second second, seven-second delay on just as a matter of course?
Especially in Florida.
Well, so was this, was that taped or was that?
No, that was live.
Oh, that was live?
That was live.
Yeah, they were covering.
They were covering that live.
In fact, I think.
It's a trial.
Are there a lot of kids at home watching a trial?
Yeah, now we apologize to all the parents who have to explain to their kids what a fucking asshole is.
But we're fine with them watching a trial.
A racially charged trial of a murderer.
Oh, wait a minute.
I got a phone call.
I think I have Don West on the line, the knock-knock joke attorney.
Hello, Don.
Are you there?
Is this Knock Knock?
Hello, Don.
Hang on.
Knock Knock.
Hey, Don, I don't want to play that game.
Knock knock.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Who's there?
Doris.
Okay, Doris, Doris, who?
Doris locked.
That's why I'm saying knock-knock.
Not that funny.
No, nothing.
Come on.
Nothing.
No.
No it?
Sorry, can't help you.
Now, listen, I wanted to ask you about...
Knock, knock.
Knock.
Okay, who's there?
I'll say it.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne, who?
Dwayne the bathtub.
I'm Dwan.
Okay.
You deserve that joke, Jimmy.
You've been under a lot of pressure.
Yeah.
I appreciate it.
All right.
Well, you take care.
I'm going to call the, I'm going to get the prosecutors on the line now.
Is this the prosecuting attorney in the Zimmerman?
How are you?
Knock knock.
Oh, no.
This is still Don West.
Don, I don't want to play this game.
Okay, who's there, Don?
Who's there?
Dead Black Kid.
Oh, come on.
I don't want to play this.
Dead black kid.
I don't, okay.
Okay, Dead Black Kid Who, okay?
Okay, you're on the jury.
That's not funny.
No, nothing.
No.
Nothing.
Okay, we got rid of Don West.
Oh, God, thank you.
We got rid of that.
Now we got the prosecutors on the phone.
Hello, prosecutor.
We got the prosecutor.
Hang on, I got to get this.
I think It's John Guy.
John Guy?
I think it's Guy, yeah.
We got John Guy on the phone.
Now, John, what are you, how are you?
What do you think of the defense attorney?
What do you think of the defense attorney that the team of them?
What do you think of them?
John, would you cut?
Come on, cut it out, John.
I mean, but you guys went and had lunch together, right?
I heard you guys had lunch together.
What did you think?
What did you think of the defense attorney?
I know.
Come on.
That's not my words.
What?
That's what the guy behind me in line was saying.
Okay.
That doesn't make it okay.
That doesn't make it better.
I know.
Look, look.
I can't have this on my.
I'll pay.
I gotta go.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Still not my words.
Okay.
Okay.
Listen, we got a.
I don't know what you're doing.
Listen, they're not that.
Dick Queen.
Okay, I got it.
Listen, thanks for having me.
Thanks for talking.
Not my words.
I know.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
One of the best comedy pits on the show.
That was funny.
Okay, I hope you enjoyed that snippet from the premium content from June.
Enjoy.
Hope you enjoyed that.
Guess what's coming up on this week's premium content?
Johnny Depp is in a new movie.
He plays Tanto in the Lone Ranger.
He plays Tanto, and he's getting some flack for it.
I don't know if you saw the pictures of him in the movie.
He wears a crow on his head, literally, and war paint the whole movie.
Anyway, so we talked to him about it.
I call him from my hotel room in Las Vegas, and here's some of what he had to say.
Mike?
Where are you?
You're welcome.
Yeah.
No, I'm in Las Vegas.
I'm at the Bally's.
Has your wife with you?
Yes.
Yes, my wife is with me.
Johnny.
I want to know who the woman was laughing in the background.
That's my wife.
Now, listen, Johnny, I just want to talk to you about your portrayal of Tonto in the movie.
Now, you're catching a little flack for it, correct?
You know it, friend.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, you know, people are going to like, you know, when you're an actor, people are going to like what you do.
People are not going to like what you do.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know, but that's a very, very vague answer.
Well, I'm an enigmatic man.
Yeah, I know, but can you just an American?
I live in France.
I made up my own accent that only I get to have.
No.
It's just that kind of fun stuff in the premium content on a weekly basis.
Okay, so how do you become a premium member?
You go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
You click on where it says premium.
It's as easy as one, two, three.
And if you haven't received your passcode and you've already made a donation, send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net and I'll send you an email back, okay, with the passcode.
Okay, so sometimes a glitch happens, people fall through the cracks, we don't get you your passcode, just send me an email at jimmydoor at earthlink.net.
I'll send you one, okay?
And if you're not already a premium member, just what the hell are you waiting for?
You deserve it.
Treat yourself to fun stuff every week, okay?
For the price of, you know, you know, I'm going to say cup of coffee.
That's right.
It's at two cents a day.
I did the math.
Go ahead, treat yourself to the premium content on a weekly basis at the Jimmy DoorComedy.com.
Hey, let me say thanks to everybody who's taking advantage of our Amazon.com box on the front page of JimmyDoorComedy.com.
It really does help support the show.
And the next time you want to buy something from Amazon and you want to help support the show, let's make some of that money you're going to spend anyway.
Go to a good cause.
So if you click on our Amazon.com box at jimmydoorcomedy.com, the next time you want to buy something at Amazon, you'll help support the show.
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So please consider using our Amazon.com box the next time you're going to buy something from Amazon.com.
And guess what?
You don't have to go to our website every time.
You just go one time and then it takes you to Amazon.com.
When you get there, you bookmark that page.
So the next time you want to buy something from Amazon, you just go to your bookmark, okay?
It's that simple.
We really appreciate everybody who uses our Amazon.com box.
Hey, I'll see everybody up in the San Francisco area, August 8th through the 11th.
I'll be telling jokes at Rooster T Feathers in San Jose, or actually Sunnyvale, right outside of San Francisco.
Okay, we'll see you August 8th through the 11th.
Rooster T Feathers.
That's it for this week.
This week's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Steph Zamarano, Robert Yasabura, Steve Rosenfield, and Mark Van Land Dewitt.
That's right.
And the voices, of course, performed by the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
Also, big thanks to Frank Conniff for his jokes in today's show.
And a shout out to Sean James, who donates his time and talents to help make sure this show happens every week.
He fixes my Macintosh right over the web and he can fix yours too.
You send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com or give him a phone call at 347-695-0601.
Sean James will fix your computer right over the internet.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks for listening.
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