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May 31, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, The Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine was forced to defend his patriotism after he said, I hate this country on the TV show, The Voice.
Levine was reacting to the decisions of the show's voters, and his comment was captured on a hot microphone, which means it must be true.
He later had to explain that he loves his country very much and was just making a joke out of frustration.
Levine needs to realize that, as great a country as this is, it doesn't tolerate sarcastic remarks about itself, especially from hugely successful guys named Levine.
His frustration was completely understandable, however, as one of the rejected singers was a very talented biracial woman whose departure made room for dozens of blonde girls singing country music.
Considering the level of taste and judgment exhibited by the people who vote on talent shows, it's a good thing more of them don't vote in actual elections.
Anyone who watches reality elimination shows knows their primary entertainment value is seeing worthy contestants unjustly eliminated.
We all relate more to the losers, especially those of us who've been voted off of our jobs.
Even if we sympathize, we enjoy seeing it happen to somebody else for a change.
I doubt Adam Levine will be fired from The Voice, though his credibility has been irrevocably damaged due to his frequent appearances on The Voice.
And he's right.
There is too much country music on that show.
And might I add everywhere else?
My point is, I hope Blake Shelton gets caught making a gay joke.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...up-minded, lowly-lovered lapies.
The kind of people that are...
Phil Bench may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to K Value.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
I know.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in the studio across the glass from me, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you doing?
Nice rant at the top of the show.
That was one of your better ones.
You were inspired this week from all that not tweeting.
Across from him, what do you heard?
Across from him, another hilarious comedian, former writer for The Daily Show, and author of Morning Remembrance, hilarious obituaries of real dead people.
It's Ham Radio and Emmy Award-winning writer Jim Earle.
Hey, Jim, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy, how are you?
I'm good, buddy.
I'm good.
It's good to see you.
You know, Steve's in-your-face on-the-edge comedy deals actionable ideation within a seamlessly integrated media ecosystem with millennial units.
Yes, definitely with the millennial.
Next to him, hilarious comedian, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's our resident Latina, Steph Semorano.
Hey, Steph, how are you?
I'm doing great, Jimmy.
I'm a woman and a Mexican.
Yes.
Mexic Candy, huh?
Across from her, we have a guest.
We have a new guest to the show.
She's the host of the Employee of the Month podcast, and it's going to be doing another live show in July.
Where is that in July?
It's at UCB in New York.
In New York.
It's Katie Lazarus.
Hey, Katie, how are you?
Hi, and that.
That's my new transsexual voice.
And that's Katie with a C. Okay, so let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
Oh, by the way, Frank is in D.C. this week, so he won't be on the show.
That's where Frank is.
And Robert Yasimura is an internment camp.
So here we go.
Too soon.
Too soon.
I think it's too late as the real thing.
Oh, that's too late.
That's it.
Too late.
Nobody remembers.
Hey, by the way, you know, we didn't do any Memorial Day jokes because I was unaware it was happening.
But did you know the unknown, the unknown soldier, the tomb, you know, the tomb?
You know, if the unknown soldier had a name, he could then write it on a form and then be on an endless waiting list for veteran benefits.
So let's just remember that as we look back on this last memorial.
Yes.
Hey, did you know that the M-Night Shyamal has got a new film opening?
Who?
What?
M. Night Shamal.
How do you say it?
Shyamalan.
M. Night Shyamal.
Shyamalan.
Jimmy, you have it right.
Yes, that's it.
So he's got a new movie coming out, and Obama is going to address the nation and urge the public to pray and stay calm in this time of crisis.
He's going to address the nation?
He's like, I feel like that's Michelle who does that.
Oh, okay.
So it's been almost, it's been almost 10 days since the tornado ravaged more Oklahoma, and Pat Robertson has yet to explain what Oklahoma did to incur God's wrath.
Something about gays and lesbians, man.
Something.
Hey, Michelle Bachman is retiring from Congress to spend more time on her pretend marriage.
Did you know that she was on the intelligence committee?
She's on the intelligence.
Yes.
Yes, we did.
Hey, what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to have Tom Brokoff sat down to talk about Memorial Day with another douchebag from the news, and we're going to play that.
Barack Obama did give a speech about drones.
He got heckled from the Code Pink Lady, and we're going to break that down for you.
It was gorgeous.
It was really nice.
And then Carol Costello, who works for CNN, where the C stands for Clueless.
She then interviewed the Code Pink Lady.
Oh, and we got phone calls today from Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, Barack Obama, Patrick Stewart calls in, plus a lot lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Music Time for another installment of Oh My God.
So this week's, oh my God, here is Pat.
Speaking of the gays, here is Pat Robertson.
And here's what he has to say about the gays this week.
Here we go, because he's always got something to say.
For somebody to say that a homosexual can change, that somehow is a hate crime.
It is a hate crime to say somebody can change their sexual preference, that that's a hate crime.
That's what's going to happen, ladies and gentlemen.
We ought to mark that down and fight for freedom because that man's freedom of speech is being taken away.
And the idea that anybody who has ministered to thousands of people, as undoubtedly he has and others have in the church in Ecuador, know very well that the power of God can change people's orientation.
A murderer can change.
A rapist can change.
A faith can change.
That's what the gospel is all about.
And being gay is the exact same thing as being a murderer rapist.
Yes, so that's like apparently.
The guy in Ecuador is behind.
Apparently there was a guy in Ecuador.
He couldn't be that far behind.
It's probably pretty short.
So there was...
Forget that.
All right.
Ecuador.
There was a politician found to have violated his country's electoral code prohibition on discrimination by making anti-gay remarks.
I didn't know Ecuador was so forward-thinking, did you?
I wouldn't think they were.
No, they are non-progressive generally.
Well, apparently, this guy got a Catholic country.
So, how could that be then, right?
This happened in Ecuador.
He violated the country's electoral code's prohibition on discrimination by making anti-gay remarks.
And that's what he was referring to right there.
Well, they say, Well, that shows how backwards homophobia is, because Ecuador is not a forward-thinking progressive.
So, even people who are backwards get the gay thing, right?
Is what you're saying.
And I don't mean that Ecuadorians are backwards.
I just mean they're short, but it is a Catholic country in this.
It's a Catholic country, but it does have some very progressive Nazis.
They do.
That is known as some of your most, you know, if you go with West Ecuador, you get to know what's happening.
But they're very nice Nazis.
They're very, they're progressives.
Well, you know, they're for public transportation.
Yes, they're for universal single-payer health care.
They're good Nazis.
Hoarding art.
Yeah.
They still hate the children.
So Pat Robertson, he's all for changing homosexuals.
He wants that.
That's his main goal.
Yes.
So here's, so here, that's how he comes.
It's like porn for him when he talks about it.
It sounds like this like weird, soft porn for him where he like talks about these guys.
And it's like he has a little breathy voice now.
So now, so he just kind of said, you know, you're gay, you're bad, you're like a murderer, you're a rapist, you're bad, you're bad, because God doesn't like gays.
And here's what, so now he often has people write in for questions to Pat Robertson on their private life and let's just listen.
Sabby writes in and says, I've been trying to forgive my husband for cheating on me.
We've gone to counseling, but I just can't seem to forgive, nor can I trust.
How do you let go of anger?
And how do you trust again?
God says to forgive, but it's been so hard to do.
I want to forgive.
So we can get on with our lives.
There you go.
She wants to forgive her husband for cheating.
Now, we didn't do this on the show yet, have we?
No, we haven't.
But can I make a guess?
Where he's going to go?
Yes.
Where he's going?
What do you think he's going to say?
My guess is maybe you should start dressing a little prettier.
Okay, let's see.
Let's see.
Here we go.
Let's see if he holds the man accountable for his immoral actions inside of his marriage.
His sexual immorality.
Right.
Here's his heterosexual adultery immorality.
Let's see how Pat Robertson brings the God Hammer down on this guy.
Here's the secret.
Okay.
Miss the secret.
Stop talking about the cheating.
He cheated on you.
Here's the secret.
Stop talking about it.
Brittany didn't happen.
What's wrong with you?
Freaking nagging women.
There we go.
He's got more to say.
He's a man.
Okay.
He's a man.
So he cheated on you.
He's a man.
Okay.
Did you hear how he said that?
He literally said it like that.
I'll back it up.
We'll get a running start on this one.
Let's get a running start, right?
Because that's one of the ultimate betrayals.
All right, here's the secret.
Okay.
I missed the secret.
Stop talking about the cheating.
He cheated on you.
Well, he's a man.
Okay.
Okay.
Maybe he was right.
So he's just a guy.
Hey, it's just a guy.
But if you're gay, anything you do is horrible.
But if you're a straight guy, what's the big deal?
If you're a straight guy and have unprotected sex with another woman and whoops, sorry, I gave you more than herpes.
Whoopsie-daisy.
Right, Katie?
Yes.
So let's see what else he has to say here.
He goes on.
So what you do is you begin to focus on why you married him in the first place on what he does good.
Does he provide a home for you to live in?
Does he provide food for you to eat?
Does he provide clothes for you to wear?
Is he nice to the children?
Do you have a happy family?
Does he take anything about it?
Does he buy you things and give you a pretty dress?
Shut up.
Does he give you some shoes?
Right.
He gives you food to cook for your family.
You have running water.
Right.
He doesn't beat you daily.
Come on.
Does he?
Right.
Does he use a closed fist or an open hand when he disciplines you?
Does he go out and watch their little league games?
With his chair.
Yes.
Does he go hype?
Does he hike on the Appalachian Trail?
And is he handsome?
Or is he, you know, what is it?
Start focusing on those things and essentially fall in love with him all over again.
And I recommend you reach out and touch him.
Touch his face.
Touch his face.
Hold his hand.
Look into his eyes.
Talk to him.
But you're praying, oh, God, keep me not to hate him for what he did when he was with that stripper in that hotel room 10 years ago.
I'll never forgive him.
Pat knows the stripper.
He knows exactly who he's talking about.
I mean, Pat just gave her all the information that she didn't even know.
She thought it was her neighbor, Carol.
Stripper in that hotel 10 years ago.
Room 205.
Who could blame her?
And he makes, yeah, he says it like who could blame it.
And the fact that she can't get over it.
It's like, the problem is her.
It's not him, right?
He keeps going.
I think the advice about touching his face is really right on.
Touch his face.
Touch his face.
Yeah.
That was weird.
Praying, oh, God, keep me not to hate him for what he did when he was with that stripper in that hotel room 10 years ago, and I'll never forget him kind of thing.
Please help me.
Wait a minute, you're focusing on the thing that makes you mad.
Stop that.
Start focusing on.
I'm Jewish, so I just, I'm not aware of this prayer in the Bible that someone can just help me out.
Yeah, that's a prayer.
He said, please, God, the stripper and the colours.
The stripper problem.
Amen.
Yes, it's the St. Anthony.
That's in Exodus.
Hey, man, here we go.
We got more.
The good stuff.
And he must have something that you wouldn't have married him.
So think about those things and give him honor instead of trying to break.
Wow.
That's a throwback.
Give him honor.
I kind of like this angle.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
Give him honor.
He is your master, after all.
Also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit.
And what you want to do is.
Well, this one does anyway.
I'm famous.
Kind of like the sentence.
I like the way he says males have a tendency to date strippers in hotel rooms.
He sounds like Wayne and North.
This is great.
This is a home so wonderful that he doesn't want to wander.
So hell, okay, I got to go back.
I got to play that.
Because you heard what he just said, right?
You hear that?
Tendency to guys wander.
I wandered a little bit.
And what you want to do is to make a home so wonderful that he doesn't want to wander.
Puts it back.
Make yourself pretty.
You know how you do that?
You bring in the woman he was fucking and have her live in the room next to you.
Yeah.
Be open.
The in-law house, maybe.
That's how you bring it in the house.
I thought it was just about glade candles.
No, you bring in his mistress or the stripper or whoever.
And he won't wander.
He won't want to leave the house.
Because you're going to be right there.
Two birds, one stone.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
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So Barack Obama gave a speech last week about drones and Guantanamo, and he had signaled to the press.
This really was a speech for the press.
It was about how he had to talk about the drone program and he's really, he doesn't want to do it.
You know, he's really against it because he's all about liberty and freedom and our Constitution.
And he's against Guantanamo.
Yet, it's still five years later.
There they are.
They're still there.
He's against the drone war, but he's carrying it out.
He has the gift.
Barack Obama can speak about the things that he's doing as if someone else is doing them.
And it is amazing.
So here he is.
He was supposed to signal they were making a lot of big changes to the war on terror.
They're not making a lot of big changes.
He just said it was just a bunch of lip service.
And it's the kind of stuff that makes saps on the left feel good about Barack Obama.
And here it is.
Here's a little bit of it because you want to feel good.
I'm going to feel good right now because whenever he talks like this, I feel good.
Here we go.
Here's Barack Obama making me feel good.
Is this who we are?
So he's talking about when he says this, is this who we are?
He says, he's talking about how we treat our detainees in Guantanamo and how we don't give people freedom.
And here's what he said.
He's upset about it.
He's really upset about it.
Is this who we are?
No, it's not, buddy.
Is that something our founders foresaw?
No.
Is that the America we want to leave our children?
No.
Our sense of justice is stronger than that.
That's right.
Our sense.
We have prosecuted scores of terrorists in our courts.
Believe in our system, Barack.
That includes Umar Farouk Abdomatalib, who tried to blow up an airplane over Detroit.
You know, can I just break in here and say I think that he should mispronounce those names?
I think it would help him, right?
Rumsfeld used to bin Laden.
Yeah, Bin Laden.
Just mess with them.
Yeah.
Barack Bin Laden.
He would say a lot.
Okay.
and Faisal Shahzad, who put a car bomb in Times Square.
It's in a court of law that we would have- You want to talk about it?
What about a fizzle shit in Isl?
Right, I speak Fizz Islands.
Fizzle Shizz is.
We'll try Dotsar Charneff, who's accused of bombing the Boston Marathon.
Richard Reed, the shoe bomber, is, as we speak, serving a life sentence in a maximum security prison here in the United States.
See, that's what Barack Obama does best, right?
He talks flowery.
He talks about how we're better than this.
He's talking about how we're better than the stuff he's doing right now that he's doing.
He's saying we're better than that.
Those 86 people in Guantanamo that have already been cleared.
They've been cleared by every agency, the CIA, the FBI, the Defense Department.
These people have done nothing.
They've been charged with nothing.
They've been in Guantanamo for 11 years, five of those years under Barack Obama's administration.
And he's acting like he's not part of this problem.
He's acting like he can't get rid of them.
And he's like, well, Congress won't approve the money for him to move them.
And it's like, you know, I don't remember Dick Cheney and George Bush asking Congress for permission to open Guantanamo Bay.
I find it hilarious that Barack Obama needs permission to close it, which he doesn't.
Good point.
So you're saying with an executive order.
With an executive order.
He could do away with Guantanamo.
Put everybody on.
Just start doing it.
He should have closed it in the first four years when he promised to close it.
I mean, it's like you wonder why xenophobia is growing.
I mean, I'm not in any way validating why people hate the U.S., but it's totally understandable.
No, no, I am.
I'll validate.
You know, if there was a Russian drone that killed my brother, I would want to kill Russia for the rest of my life.
And we're better than that, Jimmy.
And this is what Barack Obama is saying.
We're better than that.
So then, so he's trying to talk about how.
So here he goes a little too far.
He tries to talk about how the way we treat the terrorists is a sign of how good of people we are.
But he takes it one step too far, right?
Here we go.
In sensing, Reed, Judge William Young told him, the way we treat you is the measure of our own liberty.
So the judge who sent us the shoe bomber said the way we treat you, the terrorist, is a measure of our own liberty.
And so Barack Obama is saying this, and you get to feel all liberty about it.
And you get to feel all good about him, about his liberty loving, and about he's talking about we got to stop this stuff, even though he's the one doing it.
And it was too much for the woman from Code Pink because she wasn't going to let him get away with that.
So what he's saying is our measure of our liberty is how we treat the terrorists.
No, no, not all the terrorists.
Just one.
Just this one guy.
Because Barack Obama let our own, first of all, he's letting us kill people who are innocent with drones.
He's Private Bradley Manning, he allowed to be tortured.
Our own soldier, he allowed to be tortured without a charge for a year and a half.
And you torture people because you're not trying to get information.
You're trying to make them say something.
So, and then all about the Americans he's killed with drones without a trial, without arresting them.
So this woman from Code Pink starts yelling.
Medea Benjamin starts yelling about when he makes this point.
In sensing, Reed, Judge William Young told him, the way we treat you is the measure of our own liberty.
And that is a lot of liberty-loving stuff for a guy who tortured Bradley Manning.
Drone killed more innocent people than the people we targeted, including a 16-year-old kid, an American kid.
And that was certainly enough BS for Medea Benjamin.
And she let it be known.
She stepped on his little liberty story at the top of her lungs, and she wouldn't let him do this.
She wouldn't let him take credit for being this big liberty guy.
And here she starts yelling at him.
When mommy disappeared, when we killed him, we went.
So she just starts yelling about that 16-year-old American kid he killed.
I love that she's so informed.
So he starts yelling.
So Barack Obama's trying to talk about how great we are and what liberty we give our terrorists.
And she goes, wait a minute.
No, no, no.
You got to talk about the other stuff you're doing too.
You got to talk about that stuff.
And he, she, because he was all ready to give this liberty speech and she is not letting him.
And let's listen to it one more time.
Here we go.
When we killed him.
We went.
He went on to.
We went on.
Yeah, she is shutting him down.
She is shutting him down.
She will keep screaming about the 16-year-old kid he killed.
She keeps screaming about Elwar Ann Alawaki, who was an American citizen who we killed without a trial.
She keeps screaming about that as he's trying to talk about how great he is in loving liberty.
So she is doing it perfectly.
God bless Medea Benjamin.
In his defense.
When was the last time you had to deal with a 16-year-old?
Okay, all right.
But I'm out of here.
It's the first time I've really appreciated a heckler.
Like, I'm so happy that she was so intelligent about it.
And I feel bad for her that she's been named after a Tyler Perry character, but she has like redeemed herself and she has struggled enough with that.
But Katie, here, so now they start to throw her out.
And she gets out everything she wants to get a perfectly perfect.
I can't remember my lines when everything is perfect in an acting situation.
Here she's being dragged out and she gets it out perfect.
She doesn't forget one line.
Here, let's listen if you can hear all her problems.
You do it.
You tell the Muslim people their lives are as precious as our lives.
Can you take the drones out of the hands of the CIA?
Can you stop the signature strikes that are killing people?
So he was supposed to say during that speech that he's taking the drone strikes out of the CIA hands and giving it to the military.
That's what he was supposed to say.
He didn't.
He didn't.
He was supposed to say we're going to stop signature killings, which is when we get enough evidence to kill somebody, we're just going to kill them.
He was supposed to say he was going to stop doing that.
They didn't.
So that's why she started yelling.
And she's yelling, what about all the thousands of innocent Muslims you've already killed?
Are you going to compensate their families?
Because that's what will keep us safe.
Drone strikes make us less safe.
Compensating the dead Muslims' families will keep us safe.
So she gets it all out.
I'll let it play all the way through here.
I won't stop it again.
We're addressing her.
Will you compensate the innocent family victims?
That will make us safer here at home.
I love my country.
I love them.
Drones are making us let it.
And keep people in yellow and save.
I'm not an animal, I'm not a state, but I have no more, no conscious, no more.
So what she, the thing you probably couldn't hear right at the end, she said, I love my country.
I love the rule of law.
You're a constitutional lawyer and you should know better.
Oh.
And so Barack Obama's whole speech.
So she just eviscerated him.
His whole speech was just eviscerated right there, as far as I'm concerned.
But the rest of the people in that crowd, a lot of them, were snowed by Barack Obama.
They liked his flowery language and the way he talks, just like I like it, and it makes me feel good.
But she just outed him for being what he really is, which is a warmonger.
He's a warmonger.
He's like Nobel Peace Prize guy and a warmonger, and he tortures his own soldiers.
So that's Barack Obama.
And she got it.
And, you know, Barack Obama's whole speech was this is a whole speech, which was about balancing.
He said, we have to balance national security with the Constitution.
And you know what I say, Jim, is you don't balance the Constitution.
It's just the Constitution.
You don't take a break.
It hasn't been done.
You don't take a bunch of bunker.
You don't take it.
He hasn't done this.
No, no.
I'm just saying, but he is trying to get credit for not being one.
That's exactly right.
They all do.
They all try that.
But it's okay to still criticize him for it.
No, I'm not saying it's not okay.
I'm just astounded by your outrage.
I mean, it's just because it's not.
I mean, I'm not astounded by your outrage.
I'm astounded by you being so astounded by it because it's par from the chorus.
And in his speech, this time was actually promising in a way.
At least he was acknowledging that things have to change or should change.
Jim, this is Barack Obama doing the Barack Obama switcheroo.
He is playing both sides, and you bought it.
No, I did not buy it.
You bought it.
I'm just saying.
You bought it like Carol Costello.
You bought it.
If I was going to have a switcheroo from a president, I'd rather have it from Obama.
And he's counting on you, Sam.
He's counting on, you know what he promised in that speech?
He promised, he promised.
Then the Mormon that we had a choice.
And I like Mussolini more than Hitler.
What's the difference?
That's all we have a choice from.
Yeah, but so why are you criticizing me for pointing that out?
No, I'm not.
You're saying shut up, Jimmy, because he's better than the guy who's a man.
Never told you to shut up.
Well, that's the intention of what you said.
No, it's never, it's never my intention to tell you to shut up.
Well, you know what I mean.
I just want you to just shut the fuck up.
Not shut, but shut up.
Katie, what do you think?
He promised in his first four years to shut down Guateano Bay.
George Bush never promised to do any of those things.
I think it is actually a big difference when someone who campaigns on saying that I'm working towards peace and I want to eradicate xenophobia and I want to stop all of these things is actually perpetuating it and making it worse.
He just nominated to have in this Republican to come in and head the FBI for heaven's sake.
Tommy, the guy who prosecuted Martha Stewart.
It's like the guy who prosecuted Martha Stewart.
And by the way, we're not prosecuting any other bankers.
Look, look, that's the guy who's in front.
So, Jim, what I'm saying is, of course, what I'm astounded at, it's not Barack Obama.
What I'm astounded at is the way the press buys it.
Because the press would always, they would still criticize Bill Clinton.
They would criticize George Bush.
They would criticize, but they're not criticizing.
They're all buying it.
Even MSNBC, they're buying it.
Yes, but I think the landmark for them is that for the first time in a long, long time, he is actually addressing it.
This is not enough.
He's not a joke.
I've not ever said it was enough.
He's like basically telling us the same way that Pat Robertson was like, you know.
No, no, no, no, it is not.
Don't integrate that with me.
And I never said it was enough.
I'm just saying for the first time in a long, long time, he's actually addressing it by speaking about it.
Yes, speaking about doing what he said he was going to do in the first place.
You know, that's better than absolute nothing.
*Dramatic music*
Jimmy, Barry Obama.
Police got heckled, dude.
You see that?
I'm standing there talking about closing Gitmo.
And she shouts out, hey, you got to close Gitmo.
What the fuck, man?
I mean, you're a comic.
You ever had that happen where you tell a joke and some lady shouts out, hey, tell that joke that you're telling right now.
Seriously, man, I felt like saying, lady, I don't come to where you work and knock the calls out of your mouth.
Am I right?
I got to be honest.
When we invited someone from Cold Pink, I thought that was a whole different thing.
I thought it was a website from the Netherlands.
You know, the one.
That would have been awful, man.
Some penniless Dutch lady sitting in the front row, showing me her oval office.
Yeah.
Instead, I get the humorless lady from Shrilltown.
Guess what?
Turns out we invited her specifically to address her concerns.
You know who this lady is?
She's the lady who comes to Thanksgiving and then tells you she's a vegan.
You know what I mean?
I brought my own food.
I was seeing the corner loudly crunching on this nutloaf for my purse.
I'll just loudly say my more correct atheist cool wicca version of grace.
Ah, fuck it, man.
You know, just fuck it.
Everyone is going to get more and everyone is getting drone striked.
Okay, because fuck it.
I'll be in the car, motherfuckers.
He was upset.
And of course, there was the inimitable Mike McRae performing Barack Obama.
We got a Rick Perry phone call coming up in the second half of the show.
Also, in the premium content this week, we've got a phone call from Michelle Bachman, who we're going to cover her YouTube resignation speech or her announcement that she's quitting.
That's coming up in the second half of the show.
And we got a call from Michelle Bachman in the premium content.
Plus, Patrick Stewart.
Do you know Patrick Stewart, the actor?
Well, he had his first pizza pizza ever.
And he calls in to talk about it.
It was in the news, actually.
It was in the newspaper.
It's in the paper that he had as he's 71 years old.
He had his first piece of pizza ever.
And so he calls in to talk about it.
That's in the premium content.
How do you get the premium content?
It's $5 a month.
You go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on where it says join premium.
That's that easy.
It's $5 a month.
It's like nothing.
And guess what?
We give you an extra 30, 40.
I think we did like 45 minutes extra show last week.
And so it's almost like you get a whole nother show and it's all and it's a great way to help support the show.
And you guys love the show anyway.
That's why you listen.
So that's the way I'll let you know about there's one other cool way to help support the show coming up for Father's Day.
But right now, let's get back to the second half of the show, shall we?
because there's lots of great stuff coming.
Thank you.
Welcome back to the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joined in the studio by two former writers for The Daily Show, Jim Earl and Steve Rosenfield, plus the host of the Employee of the Month podcast.
It's Katie Lazarus and the host of Comedy and Everything Else podcast.
It's Steph Zamarano.
And what's coming up in the second half, we're going to have phone calls from Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry, Patrick Stewart calls in.
Plus, we continue our conversation about Barack Obama's refocus of the drone war and how he's going to handle Gitmo.
And our friend Medea Benjamin from Code Pink and her interview with Carol Costello, which was unbelievably horrible on CNN.
We're going to talk about a lot more stuff too coming up in the second half.
But right now, it's time for a morning remembrance from the book Morning Remembrance by Jim Earle.
They're funny obituaries of real dead people.
*Music*
Herbert D. Ted Doan, last of the Dows.
Herbert Ted Doan, the last family member to lead the Dow Chemical Corporation, the world's largest producer of plastics, chemicals, and synthetic rubber, is now breaking down into smaller and smaller pieces.
But ultimately, he will never disappear.
Doan apparently smothered himself after the Dow silly putty he was pleasuring himself with became hopelessly stuck in the tracks of the Dow Ziploc bag he was erotically tightening around his head.
That would have been funnier.
Soon after becoming head of Dow Chemical, Doane vowed to increase growth by 10% per year.
Unfortunately, he was talking about tumors.
This is Dow's Dow Chemical family.
We didn't get that.
None of us got it.
Founded by his grandfather in 1897 on the principle that there weren't enough three-eyed fish in the world.
Dow today leaks even more dioxin than those old batteries in Mary Cheney's vibrator.
Over the years, the world's largest producer of fake breasts gave millions of dollars to the Saginaw Valley State University, culminating with the erection of the Doan Science Building, made completely out of defective double Ds.
Doan requested his body be used to coat Rosie O'Donnell's new waffle iron.
This is a big waffle iron.
That was a reading from the book, Morning Remembrance: Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People, written by Jim Earle.
And it's available at jimearl.com.
And there's also a link at jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
So now let's pick up our conversation in the studio with Jim Earl, Steve Rosenfield, Katie Lazarus, and Step Sam Murano.
And we're talking about Barack Obama's pretend shift to more liberty in the war on terror and the big speech he gave last Thursday.
And Medea Benjamin from Code Pink heckled him and was thrown out because she gave him a little bit of dose of reality of what his drone policy and his Guantanamo policy and his other horrible war policies are really doing.
Let's get back to our conversation.
You know what?
I just want to weigh in because when I remember when President Obama was running for office and he had the mantra about yes, we can.
And I didn't know yes, we can use drones what he was leading us to.
Yes, we can.
And I want to say that the whole idea that Medea Benjamin has this courage to be in this room and to begin to question the United States president in a room full of journalists who are letting her get corralled out of the room when she is making an important point for our country.
Yes.
And she's not a heckler.
That's not the definition.
No, no.
We'll talk about that when we talk about Carol Costello.
So let me just, so let's just hold this.
We're going to talk about this for another 20 minutes.
So let's move on to, so and then show, so they drag her out, and then Barack Obama does that thing where he plays both sides of it again, right?
So here he goes.
He plays both sides.
As they drag her out, he says this.
You know, I think that the, and I'm going off script, as you might expect here.
People love improv.
And that's what I hate.
Do you know what I mean?
That's what I'm talking about.
This is what I'm talking about.
That's a room full of freaking journalists, and they're all applauding him like this.
The voice of that woman is worth paying attention to.
Except that you're not going to.
Except you're not going to pay.
So he did it again.
He played both sides right there.
He's pretending to be on her side.
She wouldn't have to scream at you if you listened to her, Barack Obama.
And so that's what I'm upset about.
The fact that he is being allowed to play both.
It's going undetected by the mainstream media, even the left-wing media.
It's going undetected the way he's playing both sides.
People think that he's actually doing something, Jim.
You know, he's not doing anything right.
And validated.
It's not just that it's going undetected.
They're giving him an ovation.
Yes, yes.
Yes.
And then he got to play both sides again.
Yeah, her voice is worth listening to.
You please.
So then she goes on Carol Costello's CNN, right?
So Miss Medea Benjamin goes on Carol Costello.
And well, Carol Costello gets right to the heart of the matter at the top of the show.
She gets right away.
Welcome, Medea.
Hi, thanks for having me on the show.
So how did you get in?
That's her first question.
I like that.
How did you?
I like that she asked that because when I was 18, I grew up in DC and I snuck into the inaugural ball through three securities.
This is pre-9-11.
Uh-huh.
But I wanted to know what she got into.
I was really proud of myself.
Yeah, well, Carol Costello's like, that was you.
Carol Costello's like, I can't get in this freaking thing.
How did you get in?
And so she had been called, she called her a heckler.
So Carol Costello called her a heckler introducing her, setting up the piece.
And Medea Benjamin immediately attacks.
She goes, I want to take issue with that.
And here's what she has to say about being called a heckler.
Well, first I want to take objection with the term heckler because I actually had an invitation to get in and I felt compelled to speak out.
I waited till the end of the speech.
I didn't hear what many of us thought we were going to hear, which are significant policies.
You clearly interrupted the president, though.
That would be heckling.
Okay, so Carol Costello is on it.
She gets right to the meat of the matter, quibbling over the term heckle.
That's exactly what this is all about.
First, how did you get in?
Second, let's talk about heckling.
And let me just say, I've been a comedian for 20 years all over the world.
And I've been heckled.
And what that woman did wasn't heckling because hecklers very rarely impart useful information.
Never, ever, ever.
Ever have I ever seen someone who was so thoughtful?
That's right.
They don't, and they don't have pre-rehearsed lines that they get out perfectly.
Okay, so there.
So she asked him about the heckle, and Medea Benjamin comes back.
Well, I don't call it heckling.
I call it speaking out because the president is not implementing policies that we need to see changed.
I've written books on these issues, including one called drone warfare.
I go around talking to people around the country and around the world.
I went to Pakistan recently meeting with Vega.
So she had to get out her bona fides because Carol Costello didn't.
She called her a heckler.
She didn't say, oh, she's written this book.
She's done all this other stuff.
And she's, you know, respected speaker all over the world.
She didn't say any of that stuff.
She just called her a heckler.
So she had to get it out.
And then here comes Carol Costello.
You seem as if the president was changing his tone on Gitmo and on drone.
So you were kind of getting what you wanted anyway.
So why go into this speech and heckle him when he's kind of talking in a way that you should welcome?
So she just explained to her why she wasn't a heckler.
She couldn't wait to call her a heckler again.
And she goes, you know, he's changing his tone about Guntanamo.
And yeah, but he's not changing his policies, you a-hole.
She goes, why would you heckle him if he's going to kind of go in your way anyway?
Well, why don't you ask yourself that question, Carol?
Why would she heckle if she was getting what she wanted?
Maybe because she wasn't getting what she wanted.
Maybe that's why.
I don't object to her heckling, and I think it is heckling, as long as you call her.
What the media is doing, being sheep, and really not doing their job.
So like, what's annoying here is that this Costello can call her heckling and then not take herself to task.
Yes.
When it's like, well, what is your job?
You're basically telling her to get in line and be appreciative that he said anything at all, which is what Jim was saying before.
So she says, why did you heckle him if Barack Obama sounded like he was changing his tone on all that stuff that you wanted?
And here she explains.
So here, she's going to explain it to you, Carol.
Here's what the president wasn't doing that he was supposed to do.
Ready?
Here we go.
Well, we didn't hear the policy changes that had been predicted.
For example, that he would take the drones out of the hands of the CIA, a non-military organization that has been killing so many innocent people, that he would stop the authorization of signature strikes, which means killing people on the basis only of suspicious behavior that's led to the killing of many innocent people.
He did not say that he was going to begin the release immediately of the 86 people who've been cleared for release by the Department of Defense, Justice, FBI, CIA, Homeland Security.
So that's all that stuff that the president, the White House, had signaled to people like her and the media that they were going to do in that speech, that they were going to do all those things.
And then they didn't do any of those things.
And so that's why she started yelling.
And so, and she just explained it to Carol Costello.
So now Carol Costello, even though she doesn't know anything about this story, which she doesn't, she doesn't know.
And this woman, Medea Benjamin, knows way more about the drone strike problem than she does.
So here's what Carol Costello says after she had explained.
I CIA, Homeland Security.
All of these things that you're talking about don't have simple solutions and the president just can't act on his own.
This is a reporter.
There aren't simple solutions.
So I guess the rule in America is if there isn't a simple solution for a problem, you can't talk about it.
You have to shut up about it.
Remember how there wasn't a simple solution for slavery?
So Abraham Lincoln quietly killed everybody?
Remember how that happened?
All the people fighting in the Civil War?
They quietly shot each other.
They didn't yell about it because there wasn't a simple solution.
That doesn't make this is a reporter.
That's a reporter for CNN.
Carol Costello wants Medea Benjamin to shut up about this big problem because there isn't a simple solution.
And she should shut up about it, especially when the guy with the power to fix these problems is within earshot.
That's when she should especially be quiet, right?
That's what she's saying to her.
Yes, you know, Carol Costello is just saying, shut up, Medea Benjamin.
Yes.
You're a critical thinker.
As all news people say, the motto is, just really shut the F up.
You know, in England, they have a question hour where people are actually allowed to ask MPs questions.
Whoa.
Yes.
You know, I mean, so like, the reason that I can empathize with this woman, I still consider it heckling.
She was just an intelligent person speaking out.
Is that like, there's no forum.
There's zero forum for you to speak out.
And you can't depend on the demos.
You can't depend on journalists to actually ask legitimate questions.
So that's why she was like forced to get away from.
Well, because she's going to be up against people like Carol Costello, who bought everything hook line and sinker with Barack Obama.
Hey, he changed the, he didn't change it.
She bought it.
The news people are horrible.
Medea Benjamin knows more about this story than the reporters do.
And she's actually informed.
Medea Benjamin is the one informing the viewers in this situation.
I wish that they put how much all of these people made, like what their salaries were.
Like, I wish they put with their titles, like the CNN person.
Like, oh, she makes $250,000 or $350,000 or $400,000 a year.
She makes more than a quarter million dollars, Carol Costello.
She makes more than an hour writer on sitcom.
So here is, so now guess, so you think it couldn't get worse for Carol Costello?
It gets a little bit worse.
Here we go.
So again, you know, I asked, I post the question on my Facebook page.
Oh, please report to us what they said on your Facebook page, journalist.
And ask them what they wanted to ask you.
And a lot of them said that you were hurting your own cause because, one, you appeared rude to the president of the United States.
And two, you just seemed a little crazy.
So, Carol Costello, is that what passes For journalism over at CNN, when you pass along insults to your guests that people left on your Facebook page, because if that counts as journalism, I've got a little journalism for you.
Why didn't you go ahead and repeat all the stuff when they called Wolf Blitzer Faggot on CNN's Facebook page?
By the way, about the people on my Facebook page, Carol, who say that you're a shitty reporter and a corporate tool.
And you don't, can we, can we all is this reporting now?
They say you're a bad reporter.
Go ahead, Kate.
Well, Nias is going to comment on Wolf Blitzer and what an idiot he is, and you should watch the Jeopardy, the cheese.
Yes, Jeopardy thing.
Did you see that?
He doesn't know where she was born.
But in terms of her going to the lowest common denominator of insults you can say to women, you're crazy.
You're crazy.
You're aggressive.
You're crazy.
Therefore, dismiss you.
Yeah, so here's how she wraps it up.
Her next question was just a picture of somebody's breakfast that she found on her Facebook page.
I want to go onto her Facebook page and just put up like pictures of children, nieces and nephews, not even my own.
Maybe you'll report it.
That's what reporting happens for Kara Cook.
Here's how she ends the interview.
Well, I've gotten a fabulous response, and I think killing innocent people with drones is rude.
I think keeping people who are innocent in indefinite detention for 11 years is rude.
I think not respecting the lives of Muslim people is rude.
I think not apologizing to the families of innocent people who are killed is rude.
Okay, she's making her case.
Wow, that's pretty good.
Hey, Carol, by the way, you think what I did was rude?
This is what it is, actually, rude.
And do you think it's sunk in for Carol Costello?
I don't think so.
There's a lot of rude things about our policy.
Speaking out is actually not rude, but it's the basis of a democratic society where people use their voices to try to make our country better in our policies.
I don't think more American is a rule of law.
Okay, so she's laid it out to her.
This is what you're supposed to do if you're an engaged citizen.
And Carol Costello.
I don't agree with you, but I would think that some Americans at least would say there's a time and a place.
Yes.
And that time is never on CNN, and that place is never on CNN.
Well, let's just remember it's CNN, not CN Steve.
Hey, we have Governor Rick Perry's on the phone.
Hi, Governor.
Thanks for talking with us and coming on the show.
Oh, hey, Jimmy.
My pleasure.
I was just sitting around anyway.
You don't do much when you're the governor of Texas.
Well, what have you been doing, Governor?
I'm interested.
I don't know.
Sitting around fighting the Medicaid expansion, stuff like that.
Well, you did have that.
You had that fertilizer explosion happen in West Texas.
That was a big deal.
Yeah, that was pretty cool.
Well, my days are full, Jimmy.
They really are.
Governor, you've just spoken out strongly against the Boy Scouts of America voting to allow openly gay members to join.
You just did that.
You're against the gays.
Yes, I did, Jimmy.
I spoke out very strongly against that.
As a former scout myself, I'm deeply ashamed and embarrassed about it.
What exactly are you ashamed and embarrassed about?
I don't know what you mean, Jimmy.
I really don't.
Now, Governor, you said that by allowing gays into the Boy Scouts, the organization was bowing to a flavor of the month morality.
What did you mean when you said that, a flavor of the month morality?
What I meant was the Boy Scouts are bowing to a bunch of degenerate fads.
What?
What did you just say?
Did you just say what I think?
What did you say?
Could you say it again?
I said there's nothing behind it but a blot of perverted fads, man.
Oh, okay.
All right.
I thought you said something else.
It must have been the fun.
Hey, but if the Boy Scouts are no longer...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, listen, if the Boy Scouts no longer discriminate against people's sexual preferences, why is that the flavor of the month?
Just because something tastes good right now don't mean you should eat it, Jimmy.
I don't know.
I don't know what you mean by that.
How does that apply?
That's what the flavor of the month is.
People say, here, try this.
Everybody's doing it, but that doesn't make it right.
Jimmy, you don't just put any old thing in your mouth, do you?
No, I can't say that I do.
Well, neither do I. I don't care how delicious it is or disgusting, whatever.
Or both.
I'm speaking abstractly, of course.
Yeah, okay.
Well, listen, Governor, you wrote a book about scouting a few years ago.
Why do you feel so strongly about keeping gays out of the Boy Scouts?
Can you just tell us?
Jimmy, when I was 14, I became an Eagle Scout and I learned life lessons that have lasted a lifetime.
I was an impressionable boy, and they molded me into the man I am today.
I would hate to think that thousands of boys will lose the chance to have those same experiences just because they're afraid some guy's going to look at them funny in the shower.
Is that likely to happen, Governor?
Oh, it'll happen, Jimmy.
I promise you.
Okay.
Well, listen, Governor, could you tell me about your personal experiences as a scout and how they have affected you?
Well, like I said, I was molded, you know, like when you have a hunk of clay and you're just like molding it like clay.
First, you're the clay and then you get molded.
And then it's someone else's turn and you mold them.
And then they turn around and mold somebody else and just goes on and on and on like that.
Like that tool song from generation to generation.
Men molding other men, boys molding boys.
Anybody you can find, really, if they're into it.
Okay, well, what is the I've never heard that molding thing.
I didn't know how that's how it got molded.
But listen, what is the most profound thing that you've ever learned about scouting?
Be prepared.
Be prepared for what?
That's what I wanted to know, but nobody told me.
Nobody told you what.
It's okay.
I found out soon enough.
And what did you learn when you found out?
What did you learn?
Some things you really can't be prepared for.
Yeah, I'll bet.
When I say scouting is, quote, intent, I'm not just making a terrible camping joke, Jimmy.
Okay, I guess not with all that molding, right?
You can take the boy out of the scouts, but you can't take the scouts out of the boy.
Mentally, some part of that is still inside me.
And it feels good.
And you want other young men to have the opportunity to feel the same thing inside of them.
But that won't happen if they're scared off by that shower thing.
Yeah, you're really worried about the shower thing, aren't you?
If you believed in God, you'd be worried too, Jimbo.
Someday the Boy Scouts of America are going to meet their maker and he's going to ask them, are you the ones that allowed homosexuals into the Boy Scouts?
That's how he talks.
And the Boy Scouts of America are going to lie about it.
And God's going to say, just tell me the truth and I won't annihilate you.
And the Boy Scouts of America are going to say, forgive us, Lord.
We let the homosexuals in because that's what the mainstream media wanted.
And God's going to say, Well, just for that, I'm going to have to annihilate you.
And the Boy Scouts of America are going to say, you said you were annihilating us if we tell the truth.
And God's going to say, I lied.
And then the Boy Scouts of America are going to say, we talk all didn't lie.
And Guy's going to say, no, it's okay for me to lie.
I invented it.
And then he's going to annihilate the Boy Scouts of America.
Do you really think that's going to happen?
Are you serious?
He's going to annihilate them.
Is that what you're saying?
That sounded like a Bill Hicks bit.
Yeah.
Okay.
You really think that's going to happen?
Wait, hold on.
I'll start looking at Facebook.
Okay.
So, Governor, do you really think that's going to happen, Governor?
Well, of course.
Governor, come on.
You've been drinking.
Well, of course, something like that is always open to speculation.
Come on down to Texas, Jimmy, and we'll go off camping together in the wilderness.
Not a soul around for 50 miles.
You'll never be the same.
Yeah, that's what I'm kind of afraid of, Governor.
You see what I'm saying?
Jimmy, when you're camping in Texas, you got to relax because if you're tants.
Yeah.
Well, it's just no good.
Okay.
Thank you, Governor.
Appreciate it.
You take it easy, Jim.
Okay.
That was Governor Rick Perry.
God bless you, Governor.
Does your dad barbecue?
Of course he does, right?
And you got to get something for Father's Day.
And here's a thing that we're offering through the show.
We can get you 30% off if you buy something for your dad for Father's Day over at this spot called personalcreations.com.
And we've bought stuff from there before.
Steph and I, we've sent some stuff.
You know, you can personalize things.
Well, here's the deal.
I'm getting a cutting board, like a cutting board.
That's what I'm getting.
And it's personalized.
It's going to say Jimmy D on it because that's me.
And you can get one too.
If you want to get one for your father, they give you 30% off if you use our code, Jimmy D, right?
You go to personalcreations.com and you click on the orange star in the right-hand corner and you put in my code Jimmy D, and you get 30% off.
And they've got a bunch of great stuff there for Father's Day.
So I'm getting a, you know, if you talk, again, we're going to, we're pushing barbecue stuff because they've got some cool stuff and you can get it personalized.
I literally am getting a cutting board that says Jimmy D on it.
Is that crazy?
I think it's fun.
I can't wait.
So if you want to get some stuff, it's something for your father, and I'll get you 30% off.
You go to personalcreations.com.
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They got all kinds of stuff over there.
Like here's three quick things they have for barbecuing.
They got a king of the grill barbecue tool set.
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So you can get hammered, you can drink, and you can spatula stuff.
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Plus, the king of the grill cutting board.
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I'm doing that.
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Okay, so that's just some fun stuff you can give for your dad for Father's Day, and it helps support the show.
Plus, we get you 30% off.
Isn't that nice?
You go to personalcreations.com.
You click on the orange thing in the right-hand corner.
The orange thing.
Yeah, that's what you do.
You click on the orange thing, and it's the orange star in the top right-hand corner.
And you use my code Jimmy D. will get you 30% off.
Okay.
All right, let's get back to the rest of the show.
Hey, Michelle Bachman, ladies and gentlemen.
Michelle Bachman.
She quit Congress.
She announced she's going to quit Congress.
And let me just give you a couple of quick tidbits about Michelle Bachman.
She, as mentioned earlier in the show, she serves on the House Intelligence Committee, which gives you a lot of confidence in the Intelligence Committee.
And she doesn't want to get, and, you know, she's quitting.
She's probably quitting Congress because she doesn't want to get as tired out as John Quincy Adams was after he extinguished slavery.
And the reason why that's funny is because Michelle Bachman says that the founding fathers, like John Quincy Adams, would not rest until slavery was extinguished.
Apparently he came back to life a couple times.
And she's going to be missed.
And I miss Michelle Bachman like Letterman viewers miss Larry Budd Melman.
Don't you miss her?
And so here we are.
She gave her, on a YouTube video, an eight-minute YouTube video, she told everybody she was quitting.
And so here's, and let's just, we're going to play a couple of clips.
We can't play the whole thing, obviously.
So I'm going to play it from the start, and we're going to go until she makes a major factual error.
And let's take a guess.
How long do you think she'll go?
I think eight seconds.
Eight seconds?
I'll give her eight minutes.
I'll give her.
Go ahead, Steph.
20 seconds.
20 seconds, Steve.
32 seconds.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's see.
Here we go.
It's like the price is rising.
Okay, hold on.
She made a mistake.
My good friends.
Okay, here she goes.
My good friends, after a great deal of thought and deliberation, I have decided next year I will not seek a fifth congressional term to represent the wonderful people of the sixth district of Minnesota.
And that music in the back, right?
You caught that, right, Katie?
Yes, that music in the back is awesome.
It's quitting music.
It is.
It's quitting music.
It's stirring quitting music.
And that was Sarah Palin's mistake.
She didn't have quitting music when she was.
She's got to have quitting music.
Serious consideration, I am confident that this is the right decision.
For some, a single two-year house term is enough service.
For others, 10 terms or two decades in the house is still not enough service.
Our Constitution allows for the decision of length of service in Congress to be determined by the Congress people themselves or by the voters in the district.
However, the law limits anyone from serving as president of the United States for more than eight years.
And in my opinion, well, eight years is also long enough for an individual to serve as a representative for a specific congressional district.
Okay, first of all, why does she sound like she's getting ready to laugh at the end of every sentence?
As far as I'm concerned, second of all, that's a big mistake she made because the law doesn't say a president can't serve for more than eight years.
It says 10 years and or two terms.
So she's wrong.
It's not eight years, which is why she claims she's quitting because the law says that a president can't serve for more than 10.
So that's 50 seconds.
She made it, by the way.
She made it 50 seconds.
So no one caught that.
Nobody on her staff caught that.
The guy who shot the video, the guy who edited the video, the guy who wrote the video, nobody caught that mistake.
No one said, hey, by the way, 22nd Amendment, it's 10 years.
Nobody ever caught any of her mistakes, though, really.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm still stuck on when she was in New Hampshire and speaking about how the shots went around the shot around the world.
Yes.
Happened in that state.
She's got a million.
Well, when she was in Iowa, and she goes, oh, we're right here in Ames, Iowa, where John Wayne was born.
No, it was John Wayne Gacy.
Totally different John Wayne.
You know, her and Sarah Palin, they should go, well, I would vote for that ticket, actually.
So here she goes.
Just, I think it'll make it more fun for the listeners is I hear her sounding like she's kind of drunk right now.
Yeah, she sounds like trying to keep it together.
It's like she is like she's laughing, though.
She's saying a lot of hilarious things.
She might be on pankillers.
She is.
There's a fine line between a sociopath and like a really fun person.
Yes, you're right.
You're right.
Okay, well, there's a lot more to her YouTube video where she announced she's not running.
There's a lot more.
It was over an eight-minute video of her talking about not running for Congress again.
So we go through the whole thing.
We break it down.
And then there was a phone call from Michelle Bachman.
Also, so this is all happening in the premium content because we've already gone over the time for the podcast for this week.
We're already past an hour.
But here's a little taste of Michelle Bachman.
And it's her telling us what she's going to be doing now that she's leaving Congress.
Ms. Bachman, what do you intend to do now?
That's my question.
I'm looking forward to spending more time with my fellow Marcus, who gives me all the heterosexual sex all the time.
I thought your kids were mostly.
I bet I won't be able to walk for a month from all the intercourse we will be having.
My manly husband, Marcus Bachman.
You'll be having so much sex, you won't think you'll be able to walk.
Oh, sure.
That is something that will be happening because of the soreness in my vagina from his teeth being thrust there.
Okay, now.
Okay, did you?
I hope did you enjoy that?
I did.
There's lots more, right?
There's a lot more to that call and the premium content.
Plus, guess what?
Patrick Stewart, the actor, claims to have had his first pizza pizza in his whole life.
He lives in Brooklyn now for the last 10 years.
So he claimed he had his first pizza pizza.
And well, we got him on the phone.
Here's his little taste of that.
Now, do we have him on the line?
Hello.
Who am I speaking to?
Oh, hi.
This is Jimmy Doer.
Why?
I don't know what I don't know what that means.
So that was a little taste of the Patrick Stewart call and the Michelle Bachman call.
Plus, there's a lot more stuff happening.
And we talk about there's tons of stuff happening in the premium content this week.
Like 40 minutes, 45 minutes of extra stuff.
And you can get it all for like a dollar a week.
That's nothing.
What is that like?
A penny a day?
I'm not a math scientist, but I think that comes out to a penny a day for premium content.
It's like nothing.
So go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com and click on that and get it.
Come on, it's like we're giving it away.
Okay, so today's show was written.
Hey, I want to remind everybody that I'll be in Chicago telling jokes at Zane's in the Rosemont, the new Rosemont Zaney's, which is just in the suburb of Chicago.
So I'll see you there June 12th through the 15th.
So June 12th through 15th, Zaney's in Rosemont.
We'll be at Las Vegas, July 9th through 16 at the LA Comedy Club at the Bally's.
We'll be also in August.
We're going to be at Rooster T Feathers, a second week of August up in San Jose.
The Sunny Vale, San Jose, San Francisco area will be there in August.
Okay, so that's that.
And I want to remind you that today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Robert Yesemura, Steve Rosenfield, Mark Van Landuitt, Michael McRae, and Steph Zamarano.
All the voices today performed by Michael McRae, except for Michelle Bachman.
Obviously, that was performed by Steph Zamarano.
And a big thanks to Katie Lazarus, the host of the popular podcast Employee of the Month.
It's a great show, features lots of big shot guests, Rachel Maddow, Gloria Steinem, Buck Henry.
Lots of great people have been on that show.
I'll be on that show too, coming up soon.
Employee of the month show, Katie Lazarus.
And you can find her at lazarusrising.com.
Lazarus spelled L-A-Z-A-R-U-S rising.com.
I also want to say thanks to Sean James, who lends his talent and time to help make our show happen.
He fixes my computer every time it goes down.
It happens almost all the time.
And it's a Macintosh.
So if you have a Macintosh and you ever having some problems with it, he'll fix it for you.
And he can do it right over the internet.
Doesn't need to meet you in person.
You don't need to send him anything.
He'll fix it for you right over the internet.
And you send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com.
You can also call him at 347-695-0601.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Thanks to everybody who took advantage of all our stuff, the Amazon.com box, the premium content, and buying your dad some barbecue stuff from personalcreations.com using our code.
Thanks for supporting our show, whichever way you help support the show.
We really appreciate it.
And if you can't make a monetary donation, then you can always leave us a nice review at iTunes.
It really does help.
And it makes me feel good to read it.
Okay, that's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorsey, and you be the best you can be.
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