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May 11, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, The Jimmy Dore Show.
This week, the heavily promoted remake of The Great Gatsby starring Leonardo DiCaprio is opening.
Like many who read The Great Gatsby when they were young, I have often thought, when is somebody going to make this into a 3D movie with rap music?
The movie does take some liberties with the novel.
For example, in the party scenes, everyone's texting.
Jay-Z produced the soundtrack, which should make many people nostalgic for the painstaking historical accuracy of Moulin Rouge.
The director, Baz Luhrmann, says he used hip-hop music to express the excitement of the jazz age.
That's like using punk rock to express a sense of upheaval during the War of 1812.
Luhrmann's been saying jazz was the African-American street music of the 1920s, which is what hip-hop is now.
And if there's anybody who understands African-American street music, it's a white, middle-aged Australian director who really needs a hit.
But I can understand Luhrmann thinking no one under 25 would tolerate a movie based on one of the greatest novels ever written unless they could also listen to Fergie.
Luhrman also insisted the film be shot in 3D, which makes perfect sense when you consider that F. Scott Fitzgerald Ernest Hemingway and everyone else in the 20s actually did live in three dimensions.
So he was just being accurate.
As for the movie's message, it appears to be that wild parties thrown by wealthy people are dope.
On the bright side, the Great Gatsby is almost certainly going to bomb because even Peter Travers of Rolling Stone hated it.
I also predict that young people won't see it unless it's going to be on the final.
So now maybe Leonardo DiCaprio can go back to doing what he does best, making bad movies for Martin Scorsese.
It's the Jimmy Dore show.
the show for the kind of people It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy O'Reilly.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
Let me tell you who's on the show this week on the phone all the way from New York City from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and now with John Fuglesang show.
It's TD's Frank Frank Connoff is with us.
And I'm joined in the studio by former writer for The Daily Show and author of Morning Remembrance, Hilarious Obituaries of Real Dead People.
Jim Earl is with us.
Another former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield is with us.
And the curator of The Fake Gallery is here.
Fake Gallery.
I'm doing a show there tonight at 9 p.m., a stand-up show.
If you've never been to the fake gallery, what a sweet, sweet venue it is to see a stand-up show.
That's at Melrose and Heliotrope, which is in between Normandy and Vermont on Melrose, right there in Hollywood.
So come see us tonight.
Big stand-up show.
I'll be there 9 p.m. show.
Tickets are very affordable at the fake gallery tonight.
That's at Melrose and Heliotrope.
We'll see you for the big stand-up show.
Paul Kozlowski is with us.
Across from him, our resident Japanese man, hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
And also with me in studio, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, it's the hilarious Steph Zamarano was with us.
And let's do a couple of jokes before we get to the jokes because Dick Cheney, they're out all upset about Benghazi.
And he says that he's demanding that Hillary Clinton answer for Benghazi.
In unrelated news, Charles Manson is demanding we crack down on Jaywalkers.
Haha, you see?
You get the joke there?
That's right.
And hey, Chris Christie, Chris Christie just had a surgery, the lap band surgery.
And I say, if there's a procedure that can reduce the size of Chris Christie's stomach, there's got to be a procedure that can make Ted Cruz a smaller ass.
Okay, what do we got coming up on today's show?
Well, we got phone calls.
First of all, we got phone calls.
There's a new head of the NRA, and he calls in to tell us a little bit about himself and the NRA.
Plus, we get a phone call from Chris Christie.
He's going to tell us what it was like having his lap band surgery.
Plus, Governor Rick Perry of Texas is going to talk to us about the regulation and the lack of regulation that's happening or not happening in Texas.
That's right, that's coming up.
Plus, there's a lot lot more coming up on today's Jimmy Dore show.
And we're also going to talk about get this, right?
Do you know what happened in Cleveland?
Well, we have some 911 phone calls you haven't heard.
That's today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
The Jimmy Dore Show Time for another installment of Oh My God.
This week's Oh My God segment, so let me play you a little bit something, just feast your ears on this a little bit.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
Okay, so that's a little Christian rock.
Let's talk about Christian rock.
Yeah, so that's Christian Death Metal, which that's Christian death metal.
And I can't tell you how much I can't stand Christian rock and roll because there's nothing rock and rolly about it.
It's the opposite of rock and roll.
I don't care that you're using guitars and it sounds like rock and roll.
The thing that makes rock and roll rock and roll, especially metal and death metal, is its rebelliousness, right?
So you can't now usurp that form of music and use it towards the status quo, bolstering the status quo.
So that's what they're doing.
So Christian rock, it's like for people who want to be rebels and really want to stick their thumb in the eye of society, but they just don't have the balls, right?
So they hate themselves and deeply, I think they have the deep hatred for themselves, the people who are on Christian rock.
And so the guy, there's a guy from As I Lay Dying.
He was the lead guitarist for As I Lay Dying, and he made it into the news this week.
It's a big Christian rock band.
I think he even got some awards.
People look up to him.
He loves Jesus.
And here's what he did to get him in the news this week.
As I Lay Dying singer Tim Lambesis has been arrested for attempting to hire a hitman to kill his wife.
Yay!
Yay!
But in fairness, he thought the hitman was going to stone her to death.
So come on, get it?
He was taken into custody.
It was a quirky hitman who eats pizza and reads philosophy.
From every movie of the last.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Okay.
I got it.
I got it.
You know what's worse than the death metal?
It's the death and rise again medal.
I hear you.
I'm an old man, so I'm into death metal.
Who would give a medal to this kind of music anyway?
What's up?
I can't even hear what they're saying.
He was arrested without incident while shopping.
He is accused of attempting to find someone to kill his estranged wife who lives in Ensenatus.
Authorities told LA Now that he had attempted to hire an undercover sheriff's detective for the murder.
I guess Jesus doesn't guide you.
I guess he didn't pray to the Holy Spirit to find him a good hitman.
Representative for the.
You know what?
What's the first scene of that movie, though?
It's like, hey, I want you to go undercover in the Christian rock community just in case any of them want to kill me.
Well, he is an openly Christian, heavy metal artist, as that's how he's described, openly Christian, heavy metal artist.
And he had recently raised more than $78,000 from fans to fund a side project, and it's called the Austrian Death Machine.
That's the guy he hired.
It's a band.
It's a band that mocks the film work of Ready.
You're going to like him after I tell you this.
It's a band that mocks the film work of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
What?
What?
Austrian Death Machine.
I don't know.
I kind of like that, actually.
This guy's not totally lacking creativity.
He promises for $500, he promised to be your personal trainer for a month.
Wow.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't think people should be giving Kickstarter funds to someone like this.
It should go to a deserving artist like Zach Brad.
You know, on the other hand, the Motorhead Tabernacle Choir are fantastic.
This guy said that after he gets out of prison, he's going to run for Congress in the first district of South Carolina.
As long as he says he's sorry.
No, and also, like, really rebellious rockers, you know, they don't hire hitmen to kill their wives.
They stab them at the Chelsea Hotel.
That is correct.
His Facebook page, fans have taken to his Facebook page seeking more information.
I can't even imagine him resorting to this after all the inspiration from this band, wrote one person.
They have never produced a single thing that would make me believe any of them were capable of this.
This would be absolutely heartbreaking to hear.
Well, you did hear it.
Is it heartbreaking?
What do you mean?
This would be.
We did hear it.
You heard it.
He just didn't write songs about wanting to kill his wife.
Yeah.
He didn't.
What's the big deal?
And here's the thing.
Here's where this guy screwed up, right?
So he hates himself because he wants to be something he can never be.
And he doesn't have the guts to be a real rocker.
So he has to pack it with all this Jesus stuff.
And then he wants to leave his wife, right?
Because he's tired of her.
He needs something.
He's like, God, it was a mistake when I was younger.
I can't stand her.
I don't even want to have sex with her anymore.
So he decides that I can't divorce her because then I'd be kicked out of the Christian community.
I'd have to, I'll just kill her.
I'll just have her killed.
They can't even divorce?
No, well, Christians, it's a big, it's a big, you know, you look like.
I thought that was like more of a Catholic.
I mean, they do it all the time, but that's supposed to be not good.
You're not supposed to get.
I heard that the final straw came when his wife ignored Pat Robinson's advice to dress sexy for this has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Now we're moving on to Howard Kurtz.
Now, you know, the Howard Kurtz saga, the guy from the Daily Beast.
Mr. Kurtz, he did.
The Washington Post, Newsweek.
He was once called by Roger Ailes, the most influential journalist in Washington.
So Howard Kurtz, he hosts the show Reliable Sources on CNN.
He still hosts the show.
He's still, and that's just a tribute to how good CNN is.
CNN, the ends for no good.
He hired a hitman to kill his career.
Yeah.
That was a good hitman.
That was a good hitman.
did a great job.
That's the only problem with that show.
So that's the thing that kills me about Howard Kurtz.
He has a show that's supposed to cut through the BS and tell you what's really happening in the media.
They're going to report on all the spin, and yet all he does is just give you another big bundle of spin.
This BS, both sides do it.
It's the worst.
It's what's wrong with America.
Well, it's, you know, to give you an idea of how well the media polices itself, CNN has their media watchdog is Howard Kurtz on Reliable Sources.
And Fox is Fox News' media watchdog, and I'm not making this up, is Judy Miller on Fox News Watch.
I thought, you know, Frank, I saw you tweet that.
I thought that was a joke.
No, no, it's not a joke.
It's the truth.
Judy Miller, who basically just took talking points from Dick Cheney.
John Miller on their Fox News.
And Fox News Watch, like five years ago, was probably the best show on Fox because it had Neil Gabler and Eric Burns, who weren't crazy Fox conservatives.
And it had Cal Thomas, who's horrible, but it did have some intelligence to it.
But now it's just degenerated into Judy Miller and these other people.
It's awful.
So here's how if people don't know who Judy Miller is, she was responsible for planting all the false stories about weapons of mass destruction and aluminum tubes and all that stuff on the front page of the New York Times.
Really?
She's the media watchdog of Fox News because she got the biggest story of all time, incredibly wrong.
Yes.
She got the WMD story in Iraq 100% wrong on the front page of the New York Times.
But you know what?
The guy who co-wrote those articles with her, I believe his name is Michael Gordon.
He's still at the New York Times.
He's still there, and he still goes on Charlie Rose and talks about how we need to invade Syria.
Yeah.
So it's like, in a way, she's horrible, but she's just one part of a gigantic systemic revolution.
Well, this is what's wrong with our media.
And here we are making fun of, you know, when you can easily lampoon the watchdogs of the media, it's not a good sign for the media.
Let's wait.
Wait a second.
We don't know that Judy Miller is terrible.
She might go on.
She might go on on this show and then midway through the show.
Now I'm going to tell you what I said wrong in the first half of the show.
Yes.
She could be really good at it.
Maybe she'll do.
We'll see.
She never admitted that she did anything wrong when she was at the times either.
No, no, nobody's.
Are you kidding me?
Nobody's admitted anything about anything.
No.
We're thinking about starting another war in Syria because we found out they might have used chemical weapons.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama just got done praising a guy who's been considered a war criminal for a couple of years now.
So I don't even know what to say anymore.
The society's crazier than I could have ever expected.
But let's get back to Howard Kurtz.
And here he is.
Now, he got a lot of heat for doing a lot of Work for this new website called the Daily Download.
And people kept asking him, what is the deal with the daily download?
Because I guess he tweets videos from the daily download all the time.
So if you can't see this video, but if you watch the, if you watch the Jimmy Dore web series, I will play it on it next week.
And it's a video that they're making for the daily download.
It's Howard Kurtz.
And this, so this person he did this, he works with at the Daily Download, who he does this, did this video with about Jason Collins, is a woman named Lauren Ashburn, who used to be, we used to work for USA Today.
So this is who this is, Lauren Ashburn.
Now, I'm going to play it uninterrupted.
So although I want to stop it a million times, I want to play it all the way through so you get a good feel for how disgusting and douchebaggery this is.
They're talking about Jason Collins and you'll get it.
There we go.
Jason Collins, the NBA superstar, comes out that he's gay.
And by the way, let me just say before I play this video, it's shot like somebody's shooting it.
It looks like a clip from a wedding video where your aunt and uncle wish you well.
It's like they're in the backyard.
They're literally in someone's backyard on a flip phone.
This is and it's really close in.
It's kind of weird.
It's like they're dating.
Yes, it's like they're really tight.
It's really tight on their face.
Only their faces are in the shot.
Yeah, really, like as if they're holding the camera themselves.
Right.
Is what it looks like.
Okay, here we go.
That Jason Collins, the NBA superstar, comes out that he's gay.
Now we learn that he was engaged for eight years to Carolyn Moose, who was shocked at his decision.
How could she not know?
I have no idea.
But Piers Morgan had her on CNN and she says she wishes him the best.
But it really is shocking and makes it a second day story that she didn't know.
You know, without getting into the details of their engagement and he broke it off and it's nice for her to take the high road, I bet she is not that thrilled about this.
And it's trending on Google.
Well, okay.
Everybody wants to know.
But here's the thing.
You know, I thought that Jason Collins handled with great class the interview that he did with Sports Illustrated, the interview that he did with George Stephanopoulos, but it turns out he didn't tell the whole story.
He says, I'm gay, I've always been gay, and yet he was with this woman.
I feel shortchanged.
Yes, as a journalist, I am committed to giving you all the facts as I know.
He's not a journalist.
Okay, but he is making a decision, which, by the way.
I'm going to stop it.
As a journalist, he is committed to giving you the facts as he sees them, except I guess he didn't read the article that he's reporting on where Jason Collins said he was engaged to a woman.
I think Collins also knows something about Benghazi.
Now, that's Howard Kurtz talking.
Yes.
You can tell after they're done talking, he's going to download all of her back.
Okay, here we go.
Him, President Obama called him.
Clinton loves him.
I didn't know who he was.
Nobody knew who he was because he's not a superstar.
He's a journeyman.
But here's the thing.
If you're going to come out with this very personal, heartfelt, I'm gay, I'm finally feel like I need to unburden myself.
Well, if you leave out the fact that you dated this woman for eight years and you were engagedly married, then you have not told the whole story.
And I think this really money is the plotline here.
Okay, now we all know that Howard Kurt's getting it wrong, 100%.
That should be his show.
It's set of reliable sources.
Howard Kurtz getting it wrong every Sunday at 11.
Howard Kurtz getting it wrong.
So we know he got that 100% wrong.
He did say it in the article.
He did mention it in his interview with George Snuffalopagus.
And now watch here.
Here it gets even worse.
What are you saying?
He's not gay.
Obviously, he, in basketball terms, has played both sides of the court.
And then he laughed.
Did you see him laugh at it?
Obviously, he played both sides of the court.
Like, this is like this is a kind of a milestone moment in America, right?
And right, there's the first Snicker, an active pro player coming out.
This is a big deal.
And people are going, wow, isn't it great that everybody doesn't condemn him now like they used to?
He's not going to lose endorsements because of it or lose his job.
Isn't it?
It's like the first time this has happened.
We can all feel good about it together.
And Howard Kurtz, for some reason, wanted to take a pee on this story.
And he's doing it.
And he's finding this goofy way to do it because he was in the closet.
That's what's called being in the closet, Howard.
That's what you try to live like a straight person.
When you're in the closet, you're not trying to live like a gay person.
You don't tell the girl you're dating that you're gay.
That's why it's called The Closet.
That's why it's called The Closet.
We'll play a little bit more.
Yeah, well, they talk about how shocking it all is.
It's like what?
You know, first of all, even if he hadn't have mentioned that he was engaged, but, you know, if he said, if he had just said, yeah, I'm gay and I had a girlfriend, but didn't mention he was engaged.
Why is that such a gigantic, pertinent fact?
You know, it's like they really created this false umbrage over something that nobody was outraged about.
Yes, he thought he had a real angle.
That's what I think.
They wanted to build it up.
He wanted to have something to talk about in his columns and on TV.
So it's not even that he got it wrong.
It's just that they made this thing up that wasn't worth even mentioning in the first place, even if what they said had been true.
Oh, and by the way, not for nothing.
He's supposed to be a media critic.
He's not supposed to talk about the story.
He's supposed to talk about how the story was reported.
Right.
Yes, I agree with you on that.
It's not, he's not supposed to talk about what Jason Collins said.
It's supposed to be how, for example, Fox News reported on it.
CNN reported on it.
Idiots like him reported on it.
There's just a little bit more to this clip.
Let me play it.
There's just a little bit more.
Hold on.
That's fine.
I'm not sitting in judgment of it.
Do not go there.
Oh, I want to play that.
That whole let me get a whole new one.
Do not go there, Howard.
Did you just go there?
Let me get a running start on it.
If you leave out the fact that you dated this woman for eight years and you were engagedly married, then you have not told the whole story.
And I think this really muddies the plotline here.
What are you saying?
He's not gay?
Obviously, he, in basketball terms, has played both sides of the court.
And that's fine.
I'm not sitting in judgment of it.
You did not go there.
I know I did.
Just go there and say that he plays both sides of the court.
Does anybody say plays both sides of the court?
No.
By the way, no one says that.
That's not a saying.
He doesn't play.
Also, if he said if, but if he did play both sides of the court, then why would it be shocking that she didn't know that he was gay?
Because obviously he was having sex with her because he's playing both sides of the court.
Yes, and that's the, well, this is Howard Kurtz letting us know that he doesn't know how the closet works.
He doesn't get that.
You have to be in the closet before you come out of it, Howard.
That's how it works in that order.
In that order.
And after that woman said you did not go there, she went on to report some of the bigger stories of 1995.
All right, so he did go there.
He did go there.
And then he says.
But I do think it undermines a little bit the notion that he tried to project that he was totally coming clean about his personal life.
Well, it makes it fascinating.
It makes it a great second day story.
No, it doesn't.
And he says, I'd like to see more interviews with her.
Yes, as if somewhat...
And let me just say this.
I've seen deeper, more substantive conversations on Maury, okay?
The women of the view were like, that's a little shallow.
Yeah, I mean.
The clip you played last week where he was interviewing Jank, and it had nothing to do with this story.
Yes.
Was the epitome of what shallowness is in terms of a reporter asking someone questions that have no substance whatsoever.
Whatsoever.
You know what?
I think Howard Kurtz also is wearing an asshole band.
Aha, I see.
Okay, I got you.
It's like he.
The thing is also, you know, the coding of this story is that he's probably going to stay on CNN indefinitely, is my guess.
Yes.
Yeah.
Howard Kurtz, he's not going away because.
Because a lot of people that I read were going, oh, that was a great segment when he let those two guys grill him.
He really came clean.
Like, there was a lot of very admiring response to that show, which I thought was disgusting.
That people were saying, because what Howard Kurtz did was he brought on two reporters to question him about this.
And this is, you know what would have been nice had they come on and questioned him about everything else.
Everything, right?
Everything else.
How about what you did the week before when you talked to two grown-up journalists and said to their face that you didn't think you thought that MSNBC and Fox News were doing just as bad as politicizing this Boston marathon thing.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Right.
I mean, that's the thing that they should have raked him over the coals for.
His horrible, reliable sources show.
He's a reliable horse's ass.
Jesus.
If he loses this show, I mean, I have no doubt that he's going to be the next host of Fox News Watch with Judy Miller because a lot of his whole career, I feel like he's been the way he spins things is usually pretty favorable towards Fox.
And he's like, I feel like he's always wanted to keep that option open that they would take him if he needs to.
Yes.
Well, yes.
I mean, because nobody ever goes away entirely anymore.
And really crappy journalists have a way of failing upward, like Judy Miller.
She goes from a newspaper person, now she's an on-TV personality.
Right?
So Howard Kurtz, we can look forward to his patented style of talking a lot while saying almost nothing for the rest of our life.
So on the phone, we have joining us now on the phone is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who just had the lap band surgery.
Hi, Governor.
I can always count on you to be a total fucking waste of time.
Well, listen, I know you had gastric bypass surgery, and I just want to know how's that working out for you?
It's working out great.
I told the doctor, give me the same thing that Al Roca got, except without the whole crapping in your pants thing.
We don't shit ourselves in jersey.
It would be redundant.
Was the surgery, was it painful?
You might say that.
I didn't undergo anesthesia.
You didn't take anesthesia.
Why wouldn't you go in there with anesthesia?
Are you kidding me?
I was hungry.
I didn't want to have my gastric bypass lap band surgery on an empty stomach.
How much did you eat during your surgery?
That's my question.
Not much at all.
I had a single subway sandwich.
It was one of those party-sized sandwiches, but I told him about to cut it up.
So technically, it was always just one sandwich.
So one long Sammy.
How was your recovery from surgery?
How long?
How was it?
Well, it was great.
In fact, immediately afterwards, I had my tonsils taken out, so my wife would bring me some ice cream.
Governor, isn't the point of all this for you to eat more healthily?
Isn't that the whole thing?
Yeah, meaningless.
Geez.
Quit busting my balls.
And speaking of my balls, the doctors tell me if I lose a few more pounds, I might actually be able to see my balls for the first time since 1975.
Now, Governor, Governor Christie, it doesn't sound like you've changed your diet very much at all.
Has it changed?
So how about you, no fuckface?
I have a delicious shake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
And then you have a sensible meal at night, right?
Well, I'm a busy man, so I have my breakfast, lunch, and dinner shakes all at once in the morning.
Then I go to Denny's and have pages one through five and seven of the breakfast men.
You know, that sounds fattening.
That sounds fattening.
Did you hear what I was saying to you, you buckabaron?
Yes.
By the time I go to Danny's, I've already had three diet shakes.
So all my dietetics should have taken care of before I've even had one fucking bite to eat.
A worker governor like me needs food to get going.
As I'm always telling kids, breakfast is the most important meals of the day.
You know, Governor, I do disagree with you politically, but I do worry about your health.
I really do.
Don't lecture me, you podcasting prick.
I know that I need to be in good health so I'll have the stamina to run for president in 2016 and win the Republican nomination by promising to deny health care to most Americans.
Do you really think you can win the Republican primary in 2016?
As my wife said when I asked her where the candy corn I stole from my kids last Halloween was, it's in the bag.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a walking, talking, sweating symbol of Republicanism.
I've expended a huge amount of resources at the expense of the environment and the community.
You're going to let the skinny little douche like Rand Paul over me?
Really?
Come on, I eat people like Rad Paul for lunch.
I'm not kidding.
I literally ate him for lunch.
How did he taste?
Like chicken shit.
Well, Governor Christie, I said thanks for joining us today.
I appreciate it.
Jimmy, it was very nice of you to express your concern for my health.
I want to assure you and everybody listening that thanks to my surgery, I feel terrific and I'm in great health.
Well, that's great.
I'm glad to hear that.
Thanks for calling.
I'm going to hang up.
I'm going to hang up too, but I can't.
I got this sharp, throbbing pain running down my arm.
Oh, God.
I can barely breathe.
Is it a heart attack?
Are you all right?
Oh.
Holy shit, there's an outrageous bar in my pocket.
I didn't know it was there.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, Governor Chris Christie.
Yay!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hello, podcast listeners.
Maybe you're wondering, hey, Jimmy, how come the top of the show was a little different than normal?
Because for whatever reason, when I recorded all the opening jokes we usually do with everyone sitting in the studio, I lost that audio file.
Does anyone care?
No.
Okay, we'll move on.
Okay, I don't think anyone cares.
Right now is when I let you know the easiest ways to help support our show.
The easiest way, what's the way that doesn't cost us any money?
Amazon.com link.
Thanks, everybody who's used our Amazon.com link, by the way.
It really helps support the show.
Every time you buy something from Amazon.com, if you use our link at jimmydoorcomedy.com, they give us money.
They give us like 7% of whatever you spend.
Isn't that a nice way to help support the show?
Because it doesn't change the way you shop on Amazon.
It doesn't cost you any money, but it really does help support us.
So thanks, everybody who does that.
You just go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on the Amazon link.
It's right in your face.
You can't miss it.
It takes you to Amazon, and when you buy something, they send us money.
The other way that you can help support the show is to become a premium member, right?
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And we're thinking about getting t-shirts and stuff.
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A lot of good stuff coming up in the second half.
We got phone calls.
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Okay, let's get back to the show.
So you have your NRA guy in your parry.
So let's come back and we'll talk about the there's a new gun on the market, and it's the kind of gun that you can print.
So they have 3D printing now.
We all know what that is.
And which is, I still, I don't believe it is a real.
I don't know.
Can anyone here wrap their minds around 3D printing?
Yes.
Yes.
I cannot.
It can't.
I cannot understand how you can print.
There's a printer that makes things.
How?
Rosenfeld can't even print out his rant.
I can't even print out anything about that.
Jayden...
And it's totally flat every week.
You know, Jay Leno has a 3D printer for his cars.
He makes parts with his 3D printer.
Are you serious?
Yeah, yeah, he's got one of those 3D printers.
It's like a $5,000 or $10,000 item.
So now, let's say I want to print a gun.
Yeah.
So don't I have to get wood or it's just plastic?
It's plastic.
It's plastic.
I was thinking now that printers can make guns, everybody's going to want to go out and buy a cannon.
A cannon printer.
Cannon printer.
Oh, a cannon printer.
Cannon printer.
Hey, yo.
My gun printer's real good at bulleted lists.
Little lisp.
Hey, you know, my gun printer.
Hi, guys.
My gun printer is so old, it only makes muskets.
Hey, I saw that movie Beyond the Pines.
Felt like taking a dump behind my seat.
What?
I'm going, I'm sorry.
That isn't about guns.
Jim, I think you need to print up some better punchlines in 3D.
In 3D.
Chris Prithi's favorite movie that's out now is The Place Behind the Pies.
I hope we're rolling on this.
But according to Foxnews.com, the world's first 3D-printed handgun, it's called The Liberator.
It has had its liberty taken away by the government.
Plans for the working handgun were posted online by Cody Wilson, founder of Defense Distributed, potentially allowing anyone with access to a 3D printer to make a firearm from plastic.
The plans, which had been in the works for months, caused alarm among gun control advocates, but were seen by some Second Amendment advocates as a breakthrough.
More than 100,000 copies of the plans were downloaded before the federal government took the files off the internet.
So I don't know.
I didn't know they could.
I don't know who really is going to object to this is actually the gun lobby and the NRA because the NRA is solely for gun manufacturers.
Right, right.
The only people they serve.
And this is going to hurt the business of gun manufacturers.
If anybody can make a gun on their printer, they're going to buy less guns.
So you're going to see, I think, the NRA coming out against it.
I think you're probably right, Frank.
That's a good, good insight.
This is also the reason why you're hearing quiet rumblings about dealing with the ammunition issue much more than the weapons issue.
I think we ought to let kids buy guns because then they'll kill their parents.
It's a win-win.
Yeah, I agree with you.
Did you know that there's already a law against making one of those printer guns?
Did you know that?
Ronald Reagan signed a law.
No plastic guns.
That you cannot have a gun.
You cannot make a gun or buy a gun or possess a gun that does not show up on a metal detector.
So when they make this gun, what they do is they jam a piece of metal in it.
So now they go, oh, look, you can be detected.
So it's not.
Go ahead.
Piece of metal, though.
Oh, you broke up, Frank.
Say it again.
I say you can make it without the piece of metal if you want, and then you can use it the way John Malkovich did in the movie In the Line of Fire when he tried to assassinate the president.
Yes, you can.
I didn't see that movie.
Any good?
That's a great movie.
Very good.
Very good movie.
Okay.
I recommend it.
So you could theoretically print a gun with no serial number, no background check, no other risk.
You can just print it.
You got a gun.
Well, and even worse is you can print a fully automatic gun.
You can print a machine gun.
Wow.
Because the only restriction we have right now on firearms, or one of the few, is that they're not fully automatic.
You can't have a machine gun or a submachine gun at all.
But with this technology, it would be so accessible to just change the receiver out on, let's say, your Bushmaster AR-15 and just turn it into a fully automatic M16.
It'd be incredibly easy.
Is that my Bushmaster?
Your Bushmaster.
Jim is your Bushmaster, baby.
I just wanted to make sure I was getting this right, especially if it's in 3D.
It's a little disgusting.
So I don't know if you guys know, but there's a new president of the NRA.
His name is Jim Porter.
And we got him on the line now.
Jim, hi, Jim.
Are you there?
Well, Jimmy, hey, it's Jim Porter, the new president of the National Rifle Association.
Hey, how are you doing, buddy?
I should call and introduce myself to y'all.
Seeing as when the South rises again, I will likely kill you.
Oh, wow.
I'm going to shoot you right in your liberal face and then force your corpse to own slaves.
Okay, wow.
You sound like a no-prisoner.
You sound like a real badass.
Hey, listen, why don't you take some time out to tell people about who you are because we don't know who you are.
We know Wayne LaPierre, but tell us about you.
I'm Jim.
Yeah.
I'm 63 years young.
But I'm still a total horn dog like I was when I was 53.
You know what I'm talking about.
I hear you.
By trade, I'm just an old country attorney.
Fun fact about me, I defended two of the Watergate's conspirators.
Why would you defend the people who were conspiring in Watergate?
Because I'm what's traditionally called an evil attorney.
Oh, okay.
I was born and raised and will die in the great state of Alabama.
Crimson Tide.
Yeah, I got it.
Kill those other faggots.
Okay, that's not right.
Yeah, I don't think you shouldn't be talking.
Don't say that.
But listen, Jim, tell me.
In my spare time.
Okay.
I enjoy scrapbooking, telling extremely racist jokes and long walks on the beach where I often shoot my gun at random objects or animals that bother me.
I believe in Jesus that Obama is an evil Kenyan and that the government wants to take our guns so we'll be too weak to resist their crazy black Jew teachings.
Wow, that's a little heavy duty.
I am currently serving as the president of the NRA, the greatest club in the world since the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
Is that from the little rascals?
As president, I intend to uphold the NRA's long tradition of scaring the holy shit out of white people.
You do that very well.
You really do.
Well, that's all I can think of, bro now.
So if you're a lady, send me a message, especially if you want me to shoot you with my penis.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Okay, that was Jim Porter from the NRA, ladies and gentlemen.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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So let's talk about this case in Cleveland, okay?
We'll talk a little bit about it.
Everybody's making a big deal out of Charles Ramsey's interview, the guy who rescued Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle.
I forget her last name.
And so this guy, Charles Ramsey.
So this is a new phenomenon where people are interviewed after a crime or something, and then the interview goes viral because the person talking talks in a funny way.
But it's normally like poor people that we're making fun of, right?
It's usually the poor people with somebody's missing a tooth and they have bad English.
And that's kind of who we're making fun of.
And here, I'll play it.
It is, I'm of two minds.
It is kind of funny the way he talks.
The things he says are kind of funny to me.
But then again, I'm a white guy living in Los Angeles.
And he's just speaking kind of like really straightforward.
And let's listen to it.
And then we'll figure out why it's because it's pretty, it's already gotten over 6 million views on YouTube.
Here we go.
Here, I'm talking with Charles Ramsey.
He's a neighbor.
Walk me through again what happened this afternoon.
You heard screaming.
Heard screaming.
I meet my McDonald's.
I come outside.
I see this girl going nuts trying to get out of the house.
So I go on the porch and she says, help me get out.
I've been in here a long time.
So, you know, I figured there's a domestic violence dispute.
So I open the door.
First of all, he says he figures it's a domestic violence dispute, which it's like most people would go, I ain't getting involved in a domestic violence dispute, right?
Because I got to tell you, one time I saw domestic violence happen.
I don't know if it was domestic.
There was a guy beating up a woman.
Oh, my God.
I lived in Chicago at the time.
And so, I don't know, I was about 25, 26 years old, maybe younger.
And I was like, I got to go do something.
I was by myself.
And this guy's hitting this woman.
So I pull over my car.
And it's, I don't know, maybe 11 o'clock at night.
And I pull over my car and I go by.
I go, hey, what are you doing?
I go right at the guy.
And I like grab him.
And I go, what do you do?
And she starts hitting me.
That happens.
That happened to me several times.
That's happened to you?
Yeah, yeah.
You go in, and then all of a sudden you're in the middle of something.
Yes, like, oh, I'm in the, oh, okay.
I want to say I'm sorry about that.
They're enjoying this.
Yeah, I'm sticking my nose.
So ever since then.
That's a common thing, yeah.
So ever since then, Paul, I don't know.
I don't think I would intervene again if I was by myself.
By the way, cops don't even like dealing with them.
It's like they're least faithful.
They hate that call as domestic because they're like anything can happen.
The domestic disturbance calls are about the top of the list in terms of frequency of what cops get called.
Yes, yeah.
Right.
And they're always, they always, yeah, they're afraid of them.
So let's listen to a little bit more what he has to say.
We can't get in that way because how the door is, it's so much that a body can't fit through only your hand.
So we kicked the bottom and she comes out with the little girl and she says, call 911.
My name was Amanda Berry.
Did you know who that was when she said that?
Well, she told me it didn't register until I got the call in 911.
And I'm like, I'm calling the 911 for Amanda Berry.
I thought this girl was dead.
You know what I mean?
And she got on the phone and she said, yes, this is me.
And the detective cook, right here.
Detective Gregory Cook says, Charles, do you know who you rescued?
I said, when did you see it?
When did you see Gina?
About five minutes after the police got here.
See, the girl Amanda told the police, I ain't just the only ones.
It's some more girls up in that house.
So they went up there, you know, 30, 40 deep, and when they came out, it was just astonishing because I thought they were going to come up with nothing.
I figured, I mean, whoever she was, and like I said, my neighbor, you got some big testicles to pull this off.
Because we see this dude every day.
I mean, every day.
How long have you lived here?
I've been here a year.
You son coming from?
I barbecue with this dude.
We eat ribs and whatnot.
Listen to salsa music.
You son coming from?
And you had no indication that there was anything?
Wow, I mean, barbecuing is one thing, but listening to salsa music and he can betray you like this, that's kind of tough.
Let's hope they weren't baby back ribs.
Oh, let's hope not.
Let's hope they were rib tips.
I had a clue that that girl was in that house or anybody else was in there against their will.
Because how he is is, he just comes out to his backyard, plays with the dogs, tinker with his cars and motorcycles, goes back in the house.
So he's somebody that you look and you look away because he's not doing nothing but the average stuff.
You see what I'm saying?
There's nothing exciting about him.
Well, until the day.
Distraction on the girls' faces.
I can't imagine to see the sunlight to be around.
I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms.
Something's wrong here.
Well, he had McDonald's.
So people are.
I love this.
You know, whenever I'm at a fine restaurant, I always order their best whatnot.
Now, I don't know what to make.
I mean, I think the guy, he says a couple of things that are just funny, right?
That whole thing about when a little white girl runs into a black man's arms, you know there's funny.
That's kind of funny, too.
But there's also, Frank, now you've seen this video, right?
So now, what do you do that the now?
Do you think there's a tinge of racism involved with people?
Or is it just because it's funny?
Or is it classist?
I don't know if it's a tinge of racism.
I think it is just that he's, you know, he's down to earth.
He's just talking the way he normally talks.
There isn't a lot of affectation about him.
And I think it's just the nature of the internet that people pick up on it.
But I did hear, though, that McDonald's thinks that he just may be the guy that can finally catch the Hamburglar.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Those women.
Yeah.
I have Governor Rick Perry's on the line from Texas, who's been experiencing a lot of trouble down in Texas.
Hi, Governor.
You got it, Jimbo.
So now, Governor, you've been experiencing a lot of problems.
People are saying that your lax regulation on businesses and industry have contributed to the West Texas explosion.
What do you say to that?
Yes, it was a huge tragedy.
Now, then what was it that actually was now a fertilizer?
We don't know why a fertilizer plant blew up.
You don't know why it blew up?
All we know is they're used to make explosives.
That would be a clue, don't you think?
That would kind of be a case.
This is a mystery to all people.
We shouldn't jump to any conclusion.
Okay.
But do you have no ideas?
You have any ideas?
The investigators haven't concluded their work yet, but it is baffling.
This was a fertilizer plant, and we don't know what would have caused an explosion in a fertilizer plant.
You sure?
Usually ammonium nitrates, a very docile compound.
Isn't it highly explosive?
We don't know.
We don't understand.
Fertilizer is used to make explosives, right?
And didn't Timothy McVay use fertilizer to I believe that's yes.
That's one of the uses for it.
So yeah, it is a mystery why it all blew up.
So now you're taking a lot of heat, right?
You and Texas for not you didn't inspect that plant for two decades, right?
Two decades.
You didn't inspect that plant.
Well, that is the cost of freedom.
I really don't think that's the cost of freedom.
Just like, I mean, there's going to be school shit.
That is the cost of earning a gun is having people shoot places up every now and again.
That's just the cost of that freedom.
Yeah.
And this is the cost of the freedom of not having federal inspectors coming down to Texas and walking around telling us what to do.
We don't like Yankee inspectors coming down and saying, oh, you got to fix this thing or it's going to blow up and kill a bunch of people.
We don't want to hear government people come in and say that.
So this is gigantic explosions that destroy entire towns are that that's the cost of the freedom from federal interference in business.
Well, it just sounds to me like you just keep saying business a lot.
Like if you just keep saying business, that somehow it'll sound like you're interested in business.
Because Texas is about business.
And if you ask business people down here, they know that business is booming.
See?
That was a bad choice of words there.
But this is a good time for business in Texas.
But you're doing it again.
You just keep saying business over and over.
Texas is business.
Business is Texas.
Okay.
So you're saying that people in Texas are more annoyed and feel more burdened by a government regulator asking questions and inspecting factories than they are about factories actually blowing up and killing people.
Well, darn toot and that's how people feel down here, or at least that's how I'd like to portray how they feel for political reasons.
Yeah, but doesn't it bother you that innocent people were killed by the explosion?
No, man.
I sleep fine.
I just don't think about stuff.
You don't think about what happened about the lack of regulation, having people die because of it?
It doesn't work that way, man.
What do you mean?
It doesn't work.
I mean, that's how politics works.
It's the people that don't think about stuff.
They usually kick ass.
What?
You know, some dude thinking about stuff all the time, he's not going to come across good, you know, and debate her on TV.
He's going to be one of those dudes like, oh, I'm thinking about things.
You know, like they got a weird thinking expression on their face.
You know, no one else see that.
And no one's in that man.
Just have a guy not thinking about stuff.
That's you, right?
Say a bunch of Friday Night Lights shit and get blown up in there.
So what if there's another tragedy that can be tied directly, if there's another tragedy that could be tied directly to a lack of regulation?
What about that?
We can only hope.
Are you really saying that?
That sounds horrible.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
God's will, man.
How could it be God's will?
What's God's will?
That people died and that a planet.
Yeah, he makes everything happen.
So everything that happens, you can just sort of, you know, God did it.
So get off my ass.
How can you make the Bible somehow mean that God wanted those people dead?
Well, I don't think you read the Bible because the Bible clearly is on America's side and states rights where we don't have federal inspectors going around anytime someone's trying to run a business.
You're saying that the Bible's against regulation?
It's implied.
Really?
It's really the Bible.
If you take the right Bible study classes, it'll be made very clear to you.
Yeah, I don't take Bible studies.
Come on down here, Texas.
We'll take you Bible study when we'll get some barbecue.
And then we can roll up our sleeves and talk to business leaders.
What do you want to do?
Roll up what?
That's what I like doing.
Doing what?
You want to roll up your what?
Rolling up my sleeves and talking to business leaders.
Well, what is that?
Is that a figure of speech rolling up?
Why do you want to roll up your sleeve?
I don't get that.
Yes.
What is it?
Yeah, because they like to do it too.
Who?
Business leaders like to roll up their sleeves?
Just a bunch of dudes rolling up their sleeves, sitting around talking about business.
Doesn't act like a Texas casual way.
With their sleeves up.
Why don't you just wear short sleeves?
Oh, short-sleeved dress shirts?
Dude, no.
Why wouldn't you wear shirts?
Yeah, maybe if I worked at NASA in 1974, that'd be impressive.
No man should be doing that.
Short sleeves, it makes sense.
Short-sleeved dress shirts.
Are you kidding me, man?
No, I'm just saying that if you're already rolling up your sleeves.
Maybe if I were as a federal inspector, I'd wear shit like that.
Well, I'm just...
No, but if you already...
No.
What do I look like a federal inspector?
No, I'm just saying that you could wear a short-sleeve shirt.
What am I, Matt Damon from the informant?
No, I'm just saying that you could already.
What am I, Dennis Kucinich?
Yeah, all right.
Listen, I don't know why you got such a Michael Douglas and falling down.
I get it.
He wore a short sleeve.
What about Gene Ackman and Hoosiers?
Okay.
What about Kevin Costner and JFK?
Okay.
What about Chris Hardwick?
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
So you don't like wearing the short sleeves.
I get it.
What am I Newman from Seinfeld?
All right.
But a short sleeve makes sense.
Pawn is, I don't wear those shirts.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I appreciate you taking time out to talk to us today, Governor.
I don't know either, man.
We really got off track.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for having me on your show.
I'll send you some ammonia nitrate in the mail on a gift basket.
Is that like a powder?
Are you sending a powder?
No, it'll be like Clumpy.
Oh, okay.
Okay, Governor, thank you.
Okay.
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*music*
John Gillardi, founder of Dere Wiener Schnitzel.
John Gillardi, beloved founder of the hot dog chain Dere Wiener Schnitzel, is now dearceased.
Doctors say Gillardi died from an incurable form of derepancreatic cancer, but they can't be sure until after the krautopsy.
It was way back at the tender age of 23 that the ambitious Gillardi looked at the glut of hamburger stands in the neighborhood and decided to carve out a niche with his trademark wiener.
In 1961, Gillardi opened up his first restaurant with little more than a pocket full of gumption and the maximum percentage of FDA allowed insect parts from rat snouts.
Over the years, the chain became famous for its advertising mascot, an animated hot dog who runs screaming from anyone asking to know his real ingredients.
Memorable ad campaigns included the slogans, Dare Fun Since 61, we are derelicious, and the ill-conceived our bites are mock fried.
Our bites are mock fried.
Try again.
Okay, wiener factoid, did you know approximately 17 billion hot dogs are eaten in the United States every year?
That's about 75 for every man, woman, and tumor.
Gillardi requested his remains be ground into a spicy paste, packed into a tubular transparent casing, and buried deep within his wife's buns.
That was their readership, guys.
That was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance: Funny Obituaries of Real Dead People written by Jim Earl.
It's available at jimearl.com or there'll be a link at my website too.
It's available at jimearl.com or there'll be a link at my website.
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Try Johnson's vaginal probes when a private part needs to be made public.
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All right.
That's our show for this week.
Thanks for listening and tuning in and for the support and using the Amazon and the premium content this week is killer.
We've got some 911 calls from that Cleveland incident, the kidnapping and the thing that you have not heard.
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Great writing this week, fellas.
And did I already mention, Mike McRae?
Want to give a shout out to Sean James for saving my ass again this week, fixing my computer.
If you need your computer fixed, he can fix it right over the internet for you.
You just send him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
He also has a phone number.
That's right.
He has a phone number.
What is the phone number?
347-695-0601 is the number to call to get your Mac fixed by Sean James.
Okay, that's it for this week.
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