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May 17, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Get ready for an outstanding entertainment program, the Jimmy Dore show.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
It's going to be a little bit of a different episode.
You know, the Jimmy Dore show crew has not taken a break in months and months and months.
So we decided to take a break this week because guess what?
There wasn't much happening in the news this week.
It wasn't like the biggest scandal with the AP or the IRS or the anyway.
So what we've decided to do for this week is we're going to play some content that was previously premium content that hasn't been played on the podcast slash radio show.
We're going to do that.
And then for the people who are donors, we're going to have some new premium content for you.
We're going to talk about that IRS scandal.
And John Boehner was a phone call from John Boehner in the premium content.
So there's lots of funny stuff happening to premium content.
So for the podcast/slash radio listeners, there's new stuff for you too.
So we're going to kick it off with a phone call from John Boehner and then a morning remembrance from Jim Earle.
And we're going to have a phone call from Donald Trump later in the show.
We're going to talk about the banking scandal.
J.P. Morgan Chase was sued earlier this year, and it revealed a lot of nefarious practices and, of course, criminal activity, which, of course, is going unpunished.
We talk about that.
Plus, there's a documentary about Dick Cheney that aired on Showtime.
It's ultimately flawed.
We take it down.
And there's a lot more coming up on today's show.
So what do you say we just get to it, huh?
We'll be right back.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for talking to you guys.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, it's me.
You know what's coming up on this episode?
So let's get to it.
Here's our phone call with John Boehner.
Jimmy, it's Boehner.
Oh, God.
I just...
Huh?
Did you hear that?
That's been happening for weeks, man.
Jimmy, I got some kind of Tourette's syndrome where I just keep saying right-wing talking points.
We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here.
You see?
Holy footballs, man.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I was nailing my wife the other day and shouted out something about the marginal tax rate.
Want to know the really fucked up thing?
She liked it.
She fucking loved it.
Now, this is a thing.
I'm a giving lover, Jimmy.
I think about my lady's needs, and by needs, I mean to orgasm, if you know what I mean.
Your lady's going to be with me.
She deserves a satisfactory horgasm or better.
We need to eliminate all the uncertainty in the market.
Oh, sorry.
Now, if I want Mrs. Boehner to arrive in the great state of orgasm, I got to feed her a never-ending stream of political rhetoric.
By our next anniversary, I'm probably going to have to put a Trojan twister in my ass and do Lincoln's second inaugural.
Class warfare, big government.
Willie Horton, Willie Horton.
I don't even know if I believe this stuff.
I don't even know if I believe anything at all anymore.
Was I born?
Am I even alive?
I don't know.
Is there a God?
Or is it all Greek and Roman?
What if I should have been praying to Apollo this whole time, man?
What if I've hanged the Zeus?
Ronald Reagan shouldn't be the fifth face on Mount Rushmore.
He should be the only face on Mount Awesome.
I got to see a doctor about this.
But I'm a Republican.
We don't believe in psychiatry.
Mental illness is just an excuse for the moral failings of poor people.
One of my daughters once told me she was depressed, so I kicked her in the vagina.
Wait, I know what it is.
Somehow I got a ring or an amulet or something that was cursed with Lee Antwater's ghost.
I need an exorcism.
Or to murder Mike Dukakis.
Okay, I got this though.
Problem solved, Jimmy.
Thanks for letting me talk that one out.
Tongue paddle my hemorrhoids, you sissy whore.
Okay.
Okay.
Music.
A Belgian French bank named Dexia filed suit against JP Moore.
Actually, is their full name?
Dexia is midnight.
Night runners.
I was going to say shit.
I should have just said that.
It sued JP Morgan, and it claimed that it had been duped into buying $1.6 billion of troubled mortgage-backed securities.
And what did they find out?
Well, let's let our little minor bird of corporate business tell us.
Here's Maria Bartofluco.
Internal emails on covering a lawsuit against JPMorgan Chase now show that employees may have known about serious flaws with thousands of home loans leading up to the financial crisis.
You know what?
She should be required to say duh after that.
No, duh.
Really?
Really, my minor bird?
Internal emails on covering a lawsuit against JP Morgan Chase now show that employees may have known about serious flaws with thousands of home loans leading up to the financial crisis.
Wow, so what she's saying is that those rotten pricks turned out to be rotten pricks.
What a twist that is.
Boy, it took foreigners to investigate JP Morgan Chase?
Yes, so what happened was that the people who are supposed to be doing the investigating, which is the government, didn't.
And this is actually, Robert, don't you say this is a good case for privatization?
It wasn't even an investigator.
What they did was they filed a discovery motion, which is normal procedure.
And even worse, JP Morgan had done their own internal audit that turned all this up in 2006.
And what's even more galling than that is that anybody looking at the books should have been able to see it because their mortgage-backed securities department went from virtually nothing in 2004 to $25 billion a year later.
The SEC regulates Wall Street, sweetheart, and they didn't do it.
And then, of course, it all, the attorney general is supposed to investigate.
There's lots of people who can investigate, and nobody's doing it.
Investigators from the government aren't standing up to Wall Street.
And so what you're telling me, what Maria Bartaromo is telling me, is that J.P. Morgan Chase employees knew that the stuff they were selling was garbage.
If that's true, that goes against nothing that we already knew about them.
This is the crappiest mystery ever.
And of course, it was complete news to Maria Bartafuco.
She had no idea this.
Wow, they never told me that was going on.
So they did this.
So you're right.
They did discovery, and their emails revealed that JP Morgan hired independent analysts to review the quality of their home loans prior to the market collapse, just like you said, Robert.
And their own independent analysis.
By the way, two years prior to the market in 2006.
Yes.
Yes, and this is in 2006.
They found that up to 80%, 80% of the mortgages did not meet the underwriting standards that JP Morgan had placed on themselves.
And that JP Morgan placed these poorly written mortgages with complicated securities and then sold them to investors without pointing out the risks.
The emails changed.
The only thing more poorly written than that was last night's episode of Smash.
By the way, what was even more galling.
And by the way, before you put a mortgage into a security, it's usually not very old, a very old mortgage.
A substantive number of the mortgages that they discovered were already in default.
They were already defaulting on those mortgages.
They packaged them up in securities anyway.
Anyway.
But you guys, I don't think you have to worry about anything because Wall Street's really doing well.
Yes.
Well, hang on.
So J.P. Morgan, the emails, they made, this is what, according to the newspaper, said, the documents made it very clear that the financial firm knew what it was doing and that despite the flaws in the system, they proceeded to continue producing bad loans anyway.
In fact, their own internal investment.
It sounds almost unethical.
In fact, like we talked about, their own internal investigation in 2006 found that out of one sample of loans, say sampled 214 loans, nearly half of that sample pool were defective and did not meet their own writing standards.
Moreover, the borrowers' incomes were also dangerously low when compared to the size of their mortgage, and thousands of borrowers had already fallen behind on their payments during that time.
Just like you said, Robert.
Despite the poor loans and non-payments from borrowers, J.P. Morgan's emails give evidence to how the financial firm dismissed those critical assessments, even altered them, and how certain J.P. Morgan employees had the power to ignore and veto bad reviews.
Because I don't know if you remember, this is how Congress talked to J.P. Dimon or J.P. Jamie Dimon was head of J.P. Morgan Chase this entire time.
Yes.
And here's Senator Bob Corker giving him the third degree.
You're obviously renowned, rightfully so, I think, as one of the most, you know, one of the best CEOs in the country for financial institutions, Jim Miss.
So there you go.
That's a real tough grilling.
Dressed him down.
It would have made sense if he had said you're one of the best CEOs in the country, not for financial institutions, but for other things.
No, for financial institutions, which is a little weird.
So here is, so that's how they used to talk about Jamie Dimon in Congress.
They probably still do.
Here is whoremonger-in-chief Elliot Spitzer.
And here's what he has to say.
Jamie Dimon had the best PR in the world.
His bank.
Time and time again, fraud, misbehavior, corruption from the library to the London whale to securitizing bad debt.
The mythology of Jamie Dimon should be ripped apart.
People should know the truth about J.P. Morgan.
I don't know if you heard that, but somebody just said Jamie Dimon isn't a money Jesus.
And the last guy who said something like that got swallowed by a sinkhole in Florida.
Well, and also it might have something to do with why not just his personal piccadillos, but why Elliot Spitzer was drummed out of office and had no support when he got in trouble because he raised issues like that.
Yes, he actually prosecuted these people on Wall Street, and that's why he did exactly right.
So I just, really, Elliot Spitzer, you don't want to haul Jamie Dimon in front of Congress again so everyone can take turns washing his feet and blowing him?
Apparently, Elliot Spitzer isn't running for office again right now.
I like how he goes that the mythology of Jamie Dimon should be ripped apart.
Yeah, everybody loved Jamie Dimon.
But then again, Wall Street has a boner for sociopaths.
And I say, Frank, thank God the truth has finally come out about Jamie Dimon and J.P. Morgan Chase.
And maybe now the White House will be forced to continue doing nothing.
The investigative anti-crime team that went after Wall Street in the last few years, there's a movie about them coming out called The Touchables.
So here's what Jamie Dimon used to say before this lawsuit revealed that they're all criminals.
Even though we knew they were, this is before it got revealed.
So here's what he used to say about Wall Street not being punished.
Here's what he used to say.
Look, I think you could say these bad actors should be punished.
Go punish the bad actors.
I think when you say that Wall Street, well, I think that's not true.
Not everyone in Wall Street was bad.
No, there was a guy who read a hot dog cart who was a pretty good dude on Wall Street.
Salt of the earth.
So according to him, we should punish the bad actors.
Well, that's, first of all, why do you got to bring on John Claude Van Dammen to this?
Second of all, second of all, so that means him.
So now, according to Jamie Dimon, we should punish Jamie Dimon, right?
Should we punish you, Jamie?
Should we punish you?
But we need solutions.
You know, finger-pointing, scapegoating, Jan and screening, I've never seen it.
So now, if we're going to punish the bad actors, Jamie Dimon says, yeah, but pointing fingers never solved anything.
We need to solve problems.
And by the way, in the middle of all this, in the middle of all this.
And we should report tonight that this afternoon we learned that the banking industry recorded its highest earnings since before the financial crisis.
And that's good news if you're rooting for unlimited greed and corruption.
I don't understand why Jamie Dimon says finger pointing wouldn't do any good.
I think it would do a lot of good if people stood in front of Jamie Dimon, pointing a finger at him.
Yes.
Saying, arrest the son of a bitch.
I agree.
Arrest him.
Yes.
See that guy?
I'm pointing my finger at him.
Hey, Frank, he's a job creator because eventually, one day, he will create a job.
Isn't that amazing that?
It literally is a job.
A job.
A job creator.
One.
Wall Street can go through the roof without any jobs, jobs created.
Yes.
But if they go down, they take all the jobs with them.
That is an amazing system.
I don't get that.
Yes.
Yes.
So here, how do we fix the problem, whoremonger Elliot Spitzer?
Here's what he says.
Well, look, the solution is that since 1975, median family income has been flat.
Wages have been flat because we have permitted the tax burden to shift to the middle class and the poor.
And we have exempted the wealthy.
We have broken down union rules that have permitted unions to organize.
We've also had technology and globalization, two things we can't repeal and shouldn't repeal, but we need social policies that begin to help the middle class, which means changes in tax policy, rules relating to organization.
Unfortunately, all the laws Are written by wealthy people, so if you're in the middle class, you might want to move to a country where they actually give a shit.
And you wonder why, you wonder why Elliot Spitzer isn't in power anymore.
Yeah, you know what else we need, Elliot?
need a progressive Supreme Court, which we'll definitely get within the next 20 or 30 years.
Oh, And now we're reading from the book Morning Remembrance: funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earle.
Paul Sawyer, NASCAR pioneer.
Paul Sawyer, a beloved pioneer of NASCAR racing, died this month after realizing he dedicated most of his adult life to the most boring sport on earth.
A true visionary, Sawyer helped develop stock car racing from small town sport into one of the scariest incarnations of conservative southern thinking since Quantrell's Raiders slaughtered 400 abolitious in 1863.
It all began in 1955 when Sawyer bought three small dirt tracks in Virginia, North Carolina, and turned them into state-of-the-art 100,000-seat racing arenas, all kept spotlessly clean by Strom Thurman's illegitimate black kids.
Sawyer requested his body be cremated after being hurled at 200 miles an hour into a concrete retaining wall.
And that was a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earl.
Available at jimearl.com or at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
There's a link there, too.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E.
JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, you are listening to a new episode of Old Material Never Aired on the Jimmy Door Show.
Okay, that's what's happening this week.
The Jimmy Door show crew took a break because not much happening in the news this week.
And we're playing some clips that we had released as premium content before, but now we're making it available to the podcast listeners and to our premium subscribers, our donors.
We've got some new stuff for you in the premium content this week.
Okay, let's get to our call that you never aired before with Donald Trump.
Okay, hello?
Duh, duh, duh, duh, da-da, boom, boom, boom.
All right, shut up, hippies.
It's time for the Trump dump here on Pacific.
Donald, were you just singing?
Yeah, that's my theme song, Jimmy.
It's called Production Value.
Maybe you heard of it.
You don't have a show, Donald.
Yeah, no, I know that, Jimmy.
It's right.
It's not a show.
It's a dump.
And if there's one thing I know, it's how to produce an absolutely breathtaking dump.
All right, let's get to it.
Item one: I've been getting a lot of phone calls from some very powerful people asking me what to do because, as you know, I'm considered a major brainiac by anyone who knows I'm within earshot.
Now, I'm not going to tell you who's been calling.
Suffice it to say that this individual is so powerful, so highly placed, that he has access round the clock to a phone.
Let me put it this way: I'm like Papa Smurf, Jimmy, you know, from the Smurfs.
Uh-huh.
Remember that?
I'm like Papa Smurf.
Everybody comes to me for advice, and I look much better when I wear a hat.
But also, like Papa Smurf, if I keep telling all the other Smurfs what to do, they're never going to learn anything for themselves about how to defeat Gargamel or at least obtain a copy of his long-form birth certificate.
Donald, seriously, what are you talking about?
Item two: I'd like to introduce a new segment here on the Trump dump.
You have segments now?
I'm going to predict celebrity participants for the Apprentice in the year 2033.
Okay, we're going to look into the future.
Now, this week, my prediction is that Taylor Lautner will be on the show.
Once the hunky star of the Twilight films, now a major D at Jerry's Deli and a fixture in the West Hollywood rough trade underground.
And when at last he is chewed up and spit out by the male escort community, he'll finally be desperate enough to work with me.
That's 2033, Jimmy.
Mark your calendar.
Okay.
Donald, are you stinging out your bits?
Oh, by the way, I wasn't finished.
Donald, are you stinging out your bits?
Jimmy, listen.
If you interrupt me one more time, I'm going to have one of my security guys fly out there to LA and put a decapitated horse body in your bed.
Yeah, no, that's right.
You heard me.
You're going to get the headless body part.
The rest of the horse, Jimmy.
So I hope you have a big bed, big enough for a horse with no head.
I know, before you even ask, I know.
As for the horse head, it's going to be shipped to one of my world-class rendering plants in Bayonne for conversion to IKEA meatballs.
Okay.
Okay.
Next item.
I was attacked by a goblin when I was eight, and my parents refused to believe me.
But that epidemic was a good idea.
What?
That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Item 12.
Liberals continue to go henny-penny over this Newtown business.
Like that limey bastard Piers Morgan, for example.
Now, look, I have it on good authority that Piers Morgan is, in fact, a North Korean agent.
What?
That's right.
You know how I know?
No.
I heard he has trouble launching his missile.
You know what I'm saying, Jimmy?
No.
There's trouble in Whoopee Land, what I'm trying to say.
With Piers Morgan.
And this guy, he's got the nerve to badmouth guns and to undermine our fabulous Second Amendment when every night he goes home and eats cold rice in a dark room like all North Koreans.
And Jimmy, don't get me started on his male performance issues, okay?
He eats that rice because he can't prepare his noodles.
You're talking about Piers Morgan.
Yeah, that's right.
You're saying he's North Korean.
Yeah, that's right.
Okay.
And impotent.
Okay.
All right, now look, Jimmy, look at that.
He doesn't look North Korean, though, Donald.
What's that?
He doesn't look North Korean at all.
Well, you know, I don't see color.
I'm post-racial, Jimmy.
Even with the Chinaman.
Now, look.
You're going to like this, okay?
It's another new segment.
You claim to be a comedian, right?
Yes.
Now, you know, I'm dear friends with Jerry Seinfeld.
Did you know that?
Oh, I did not know that.
Yeah, I mean, I assume so.
We're both New Yorkers, you know.
The only difference between me and Jerry Seinfeld is the stuff with his name on it is still valuable.
Now, look, anyway, so here's what I'm going to do in my new segment.
I'm going to solve America's problems using observational stand-up comedy bits, okay?
But I'm going to put my own spin on it.
I'm going to Donald up these bits, okay, like Jerry.
Are you ready?
Okay, I'm ready.
Okay, okay.
All right.
What's the art of the deal with health care?
I don't understand what you're doing.
What?
That's my book, Art of the Deal.
You didn't read that?
I didn't read it.
No.
Yeah, The Art of the Deal.
Yeah.
That's where I teach people the art of the deal.
Right.
Okay, so I'm incorporating that best-selling book, one of the greatest books ever written.
It was on the New York Times bestseller list for a record-breaking number of weeks for a book that wasn't all that good.
But now I'm incorporating that well-known book into my stand-up bits.
Okay.
So what's the art of the deal with healthcare?
Okay.
So instead of you saying, like a normal comedian would say, what's the deal?
You say, what's the art of the deal?
Yeah, that's right.
That's like your catchphrase.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
I got it.
You are funny.
So you get it.
I get it, Dow.
Okay.
I guess you're not much of a reader.
No.
No, I'm not.
You're too busy with Mother Jones.
That's right.
And your skateboarding magazine.
That's correct.
You're hippies with.
All right.
All right.
Hold on.
Let me get my notebook out here.
Okay.
I got some bits.
Okay.
What's the art of the deal with health care?
I think we should fix a mental health system without in any way fixing our national health care system and without raising revenues.
You guys, yeah, it's a bit.
Yes, I got it.
I'm going to put a check mark next to that one.
Okay.
I think that's solid.
I love it.
Okay.
All right, hey, Jimmy.
What's the art of the deal with school shootings?
I don't know.
What is the art of the deal?
Yeah, okay.
Oh, I could solve that problem, too.
I think we should put a lot of heavily armed men inside our schools to reduce the number of shootings.
That seems counterintuitive, right?
Because you get more guns and more violence, right?
I thought you understood comedy, Jimmy.
I don't know.
You may want to.
Where'd you get your degree in comedy?
Now you don't go to school.
I went to Wharton.
No big deal.
Okay.
But anyway, so you get an idea of what I'm doing here.
I did sit in on a few Louis Anderson comedy boot camps.
Oh, that's fabulous.
You know, Louis plays my Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City.
Yes.
Yeah, he's great.
Yeah, he's fantastic.
He brings in all these people with walkers.
Yes.
He's terrific.
He's terrific.
And, you know, so look, listen, comedy is what I'm trying to say.
You like it, right?
What's the matter?
You don't like it?
I don't hear a lot of laughing in there.
You know, when I tell a joke, you're supposed to laugh.
Okay, I will, Mr. Trump.
I'm sorry.
I want to hear America laughing, too, all right?
Okay.
Come down to where you people work.
Well, that's because your job went to Mumbai, but that's the seriously, if any of you out there, if you don't like my comedy, you come on down to Trump Tower, which I may or may not still own, and you fight your way through the several levels up to the top floor where a princess is waiting to be rescued, and there's a cache of gold coins.
All right, you lousy Italian plumbing bastards.
I dare you.
Okay.
Hey, listen, he doesn't mean that, folks.
Please.
Item last.
Okay.
I am proud to announce my new line of Donald Trump brand marital aids.
Really?
Yeah.
They're available at Sears.
Really?
In the back near the bathrooms on the second floor.
What are your marital aids?
Well, we got a special this week, Jimmy.
We got a Trump brand Mirkin.
What's that?
You know what that is?
No.
It's a pubic wig.
They used to wear those in the old days.
Yes.
Yes.
To keep your stuff warm.
You know what I'm saying?
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
I know now.
Right.
Nothing worse than cold stuff.
Nothing worse than cold stuff.
So that's one of your marital aids.
You got a Merkin.
Yeah, that's right.
You know, you got.
You know, it's a Trump brand Mirkin is what I'm trying to say.
Yes, I got it.
You know, so if you want your unit to look like the top of my head, you go out and buy one.
Yeah, I got it.
Is that all?
Is that all your marital aids?
Or you have more?
Well, that's the most popular seller.
Okay.
We got a bunch of different kinds of things that you can clamp on there and stuff you can put in other places and you can strap to things.
It goes in your various areas and around your whatnot.
But that's not all, Jimmy.
We got another special this week.
Trump rings.
Oh, what are Trump rings?
They're rings.
You know where you put them?
No.
Guess where you put them?
On your finger?
You put them around your Trump Tower.
You know what I'm saying?
I think I know what you're saying now.
At the base of your Trump Tower.
Right.
And what does that do?
Near the lobby.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm following your euphemisms.
Well, you can get that.
So get down to Sears right now.
It's real classy stuff.
Just look for my shouting face on the box.
Okay.
I'm serious, Jimmy.
This stuff will get you hornier than a couple of years in prison.
Okay.
All right.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, well, look, that's it.
Hold on.
with...
Okay, that's it for this week's Trump dump.
On next week's show, What's the Art of the Deal with Airplane Peanuts?
Until then, you've been Donald.
You've been Donald.
you you Okay, that was Ben Zelavansky doing the Donald Trump hilarious Ben Zelovanski.
And at the top of the show, we had the inimitable Mike McRae doing John Boehner.
And we've got a lot more coming up on the second half of today's show.
What, really?
Jimmy, there's more?
Yes, there's a second half.
What's coming up on the second half?
Okay, we're going to have phone calls from Luke Russert.
Both sides do what Luke Russard's calling in.
We take a look at that documentary that aired on Showtime about Dick Cheney, the flawed documentary, and a lot lot more.
Stick around.
This is the Jimmy Door show.
We'll be right back in one minute.
Hello, podcast listeners, huh?
What a weird week to take a week off.
Who knew all this stuff was going to happen?
But guess what?
We're going to address it in the premium content, okay?
So if you're a donor, we're going to talk about the IRS scandal and the AP scandal and all that stuff in the premium content this week.
But, oh, by the way, so you know that this show is made available, is made possible by the support of our listeners.
That's you guys, the person listening right now.
You like the show, you want to know how to help support it?
There's two ways.
The first way doesn't cost you a penny.
Which way is that, Jimmy?
Well, the next time you buy anything from Amazon.com, if you swing by jimmydoorcomedy.com and you click on our amazon.com box, that's going to take you to amazon.com.
And then when you buy something, they send us money.
It's just that simple.
And it doesn't cost you a penny.
And it's the easiest thing.
So thanks to everybody who's already used our Amazon.com box.
It's very much appreciated.
And it really helps support the show.
Thanks again, the Amazon.com box at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
The other big way you can help support the show is you become a donor.
And once you become a $5 a month donor or $55 for the year, what we do is we make the premium content available to you.
That's right.
We do about an extra, oh, I don't know, half a show or something extra every week.
We do an extra 30 to 40 minutes and we drop it as the premium content and you get access to it.
We'll send you a passcode.
And if you haven't gotten your passcode and you are a donor, send me an email at my old-timey email, jimmydoor at earthlink.net, and I'll send you it.
That's how it all works.
Okay, so that's a great way to help support the show.
Thanks, everybody who uses our Amazon.com box and everybody who's a premium subscriber, member, donor.
We really appreciate it.
Thanks for supporting.
Now let's get back to the second.
We got a lot of fun stuff coming up in the second half.
Enjoy.
We are playing.
This is what's happening this week.
The Jimmy Door show is on hiatus for this week because there's not a lot happening in the news this week.
And what we're doing is we're playing some previously unaired content that has only aired in the premium content section of the Jimmy Door show.
So right now, so if you're a regular podcast subscriber, you haven't heard this material before.
And if you are a premium donor, you have.
But guess what?
We're making some new premium content available for you this week.
Isn't that nice of us?
Yes.
So we're going to talk about the IRS scandal.
I'm putting quotes around that.
There's air quotes around that and a lot more on this week's premium content.
Plus a fresh call from John Boehner, which you have to hear on this week's premium content.
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We let you know.
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Okay.
Let's go ahead and kick off the second half of the show with a morning remembrance.
That's right, a reading from the book Morning Remembrance.
They're real obituaries.
No, they're fake obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earl.
This is Robert Rich, inventor of non-dairy whip topping.
Robert Rich, inventor of non-dairy whipped topping, died last month after a short illness creamed him.
*laughter*
Rich's non-dairy products were the result of the food shortages during World War II, when large amounts of milk products were sent overseas to help make German supply routes soggy.
Unlike real cream, Rich's cream could be safely stored for over a year without losing his ability to turn a generation of Americans into doughy slugs who would actually sit through an episode of Ozzy and Harriet.
Rich is survived by his beloved wife, who, like his whipped topping, required little or no prep time and spread easily.
Thank you.
That was another reading from the book, Morning Remembrance.
Funny obituaries of real dead people by Jim Earl.
Available at jimearl.com.
And there's a link at jimmydorecomedy.com, too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So I don't know if you has anybody seen the Cheney documentary on Showtime that's airing?
It's on this this Friday, I think.
So I haven't seen it.
I'm going to watch it this Friday.
But I did see the guy on, he was on the this week with George Snuffalopagus.
They were talking about this.
And he, well, I'm going to play a clip from the documentary.
This is Dick Cheney talking about using torture to keep America safe, right?
And this is what he has to say about it.
It's pretty wild.
Tell me what terrorist attacks is that you would have let go forward.
Because you didn't want to be a mean and nasty fella.
Are you going to trade the lives of a number of people because you want to preserve your honor?
Or are you going to do your job?
Do what's required.
First and foremost, your responsibility to safeguard the United States of America and the lives of its citizens.
Okay, I just want to point out that Dick Cheney, five deferment Dick Cheney, never was a Marine.
And so now he's Saohi saying the way you fight a war is you let go of your honor.
But if he knew the, if he was actually ever in the service, he would know that their motto is death before dishonor.
And so what he's saying is you get rid of your honor.
First thing you do when you go to war.
That's from a guy who's never been to war.
And that's from a guy who ordered war crimes.
And so he's giving us this, what he's saying is that it was his duty to order war crimes.
And those among us who would not have ordered war crimes are irresponsible and derelict in their duty.
They're just not committed to doing what needs to be done.
That's not a false choice, is it?
Either we torture people or millions of Americans get killed.
That's what he's saying.
That was his right there.
So then...
Why didn't we torture Nazis then?
That's what I...
They wanted to take us over.
They wanted to engulf the world in darkness.
They wanted to kill every Jew on the planet.
Why didn't we torture them?
Frank, they weren't brown because we didn't need to.
So here's what.
Is there oil in Germany?
I just think it's his argument is that honor is a luxury.
Doing what is right is a luxury.
And anybody who is really responsible is willing to become a Nazi for their country.
Hey, be a grown-up, be a Nazi.
That's what he's saying.
He's saying if you're not willing to become a Nazi and torture people in war, then you're not grown up enough.
You are some kind of hippie who doesn't know the real world, like Dick Cheney, even though he's never been to war.
Okay.
So here's what the, but here's what the documentarian, this is why I'm really playing this, because we all know that about Dick Cheney.
But here's the documentarian.
Here's what he says that he was struck.
He was struck by.
What were you struck by?
What's his struck by his comparison of honor and duty when he was talking about enhanced interrogation and his really his dismissal of honor as a value in the face of duty?
Okay, so again, he wasn't a soldier, never did, but I think he's missing the point, and it'll be more clear here.
He does not feel that there.
It'll be more clear in this clip.
Here's the documentarian.
He does not feel that there is room for compromise and that compromise is a quality that a strong leader has.
And I think that it raises the question of when total conviction serves a democracy and when it can be problematic for democracy.
Okay, so I'm just going to make this point.
This guy who got to do a documentary on Dick Cheney doesn't understand why Dick Cheney did what he did or the fact that Dick Cheney, when he says that thing about honor and duty, is lying.
He's not actually telling him how he feels.
And this guy is making the mistake of thinking, wow, this guy's really...
He really believes it.
So it's okay.
He's a great conviction.
Yeah, he's talking about it in a way that we have to, even if we disagree with Dick Cheney, we have to admire him.
His conviction for doing war crimes.
Strong conviction.
For having a strong conviction of committing war crimes.
But what he's missing is that you're being lied to by Dick Cheney, you documentarian.
He doesn't really have that conviction.
He doesn't have any idea about honor or duty.
The reason why Dick Cheney ordered torture was to get those guys to give him cover for an illegal war that he was starting to fill the pockets of his friends.
That's why when he goes, I was struck by his dismissal of honor because it's not a real dismissal of honor because it's not real conviction.
Because what Dick Cheney is doing is lying to you about why he ordered torture.
He didn't order torture to keep us safe or because he cared about America or Americans dying.
He couldn't care less.
He ordered torture to get those terrorists or those people who were being held to admit that Saddam Hussein was in cahoots with the 9-11 hijackers and they wouldn't say it.
So that's why they tortured them.
You don't torture people to get information.
You torture people to get people to say stuff that you want them to say.
And this documentarian completely misses that point and pretends that Dick Cheney is pulling a Rick Santorum and being real, he's really convinced of his convictions that you can't break.
I can't believe people still believe Dick Cheney actually believes what he's saying.
But isn't that the problem when people are, let's say you have a moral compass, you believe that somebody else who's in a position of authority would also have a moral compass.
Right.
And when he uses the term about honor, I think that is so ironic because he's trying to hook this term like honor.
Okay.
But you know what?
I said no to honor.
Yeah.
Somehow he said he makes honor sound like turpes.
It's like saying Ryan was brave for suggesting we destroy Medicare.
Yeah.
Hey, really, yes, really brave.
It's brave of you to throw out every basic piece of humanity thousands upon thousands of people have died to protect.
God bless you.
But the reason why Dick...
Well, this...
And I'm afraid that watching it is going to get me really pissed off because the very fact that Dick Cheney allowed this guy to interview him makes me question his validity as a documentary.
And he tried to tell George Snufflubicus how hard it was for him to get it and how he just kept trying.
And it's like, no, he knew after a while that you believed him.
He knew that you weren't skeptical of the real reason why he ordered torture.
I mean, how dumb do you have to do?
And, you know, if you look at all the interviews he's done over the few years, it's been with like very subservient suck-up people like either Fox or Politico.
If Dick Cheney agrees to do an interview with you, that doesn't speak very well of you as a journalist.
Right.
It does not speak well of you.
So yeah, I'm going to watch that documentary.
I'm going to TVO it and watch it.
Nothing ever happened to Dick Cheney when he came out and said straight out, I'm okay with torture.
Yes, I ordered torture.
I ordered waterboarding.
And would you do it again?
Yes, I would.
There was a review in the New York Times today of this documentary, and it made me not want to see it.
No kidding.
It just says that she's, that the guy doesn't ask any follow-up questions, and he just lets Dick Cheney go on and on, and they intercut it with interviews with other people.
But it's, I mean, I'm sure I'm going to watch it, but I'm really kind of not looking forward to it.
It's just, I just can't believe how gullible you could be.
Well, what really bothers me at the end of the clip is the pretension of him saying, like, it really creates questions about it.
No, it doesn't.
Exactly.
I mean, you're assigning a false patina of artisticness to something that at best is just a document of what a horrible human being this man is.
Yes.
And doesn't he describe his actions as if, you know, like honorable or have to live with nasty and mean?
He says, he goes, whose lives?
How many Americans' lives would you trade for your honor?
That's a false choice.
You don't have to do.
Somehow, again, we beat the Japanese, we beat the Nazis, we beat the Italians, we beat everybody back without doing any of that stuff officially.
They go, you don't think they're...
They go, you don't think that we didn't torture anybody in World War II?
And what I say to those people on Facebook is if you have a link of some torture that we were aware of and we didn't prosecute, I'd love to see it.
But until then, you're just speculating and talking out of your ass.
This is torture that we know of that was ordered at the tippy top of government.
This wasn't a couple of guys in the field somewhere who decided to waterboard somebody.
This was the President of the United States, the Secretary of Defense, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Secretary of State, all signing off on torture.
And by the way, while all of their field personnel were saying torture does not yield good information, why would you ask us to do this?
Right.
But they never served in the military.
That's why they were okay with torture.
You say it never happened in World War II, but what about the inglorious bastard?
All right, let me, you know what?
This guy, Ben Shapiro.
By the way, you know, torture was used pretty extensively by the CIA in Vietnam.
We lost that war.
Right.
And I don't, even Nixon wouldn't come out and brag about ordering a war crime, I don't think.
Okay.
They still, they used to be kind of afraid of it.
They used to be.
Anyway, so but they did learn from Nixon.
They learned, Frank, that from Nixon, what Dick Cheney learned is that the real trouble you get in is when you try to cover it up.
So what he started doing was admitting it immediately.
And that was that.
And they started admitting it, story's over.
There's no story.
They admitted, yeah, I ordered it.
But when you have a complacent media that's not willing to portray you as a war criminal, and none of, you know, people who describe Bush and Cheney as war criminals in the mainstream media are considered on the fringe.
Yes.
Mainly because the mainstream media helped us fought these phony wars without the mainstream media.
So Dick Cheney lives in an environment where he's not called out on it.
So he can go and be interviewed by these people and say, yeah, I think torture is great, and there won't be any kind of major outrage about it.
It won't be the first thing that you see on the news.
There won't be a call to have him investigated and prosecuted.
So it's the environment that he lives in.
You are correct, and you have the last word on that.
You know, every once in a while, Bill O'Reilly gets a little too much sauced up.
He hits the bottle a little bit, tips a few, and then he leaves me a phone message.
It's the craziest thing he'll hear.
He left me a couple.
Let's listen to him.
Make no mistake about it, Dor.
I am now pro-home old.
Yes, I know what you're asking.
Why am I suddenly softening my wife's tent?
and three words.
Crafty rating.
Bag it.
Wow.
Oh, man.
Wow.
Crappy ratings.
He calmed down the issue.
He called in again, you guys.
Oh, one more time.
Okay, sure, I'll admit.
I used to believe our space program was a bastion for evil-based sex.
And see Acronym NASA, which stands for Nerds Admiring Satan's Anus.
No more nardgargler.
And yes, I once compared gay marriage to bestiality.
I now wish to augment that opinion, if I may, somewhat, and I will, as such, thank you.
You here goes.
I no longer feel that way.
Especially in the case of lesbian, gay, girl, on girl action.
I mean marriage.
They're both smoking hot.
Follow me.
No spin there.
No spin.
Oh, sure, there's bound to be a little bestiality and whatnot, a lesbian marriage, right?
Right?
That's only to be expected.
I mean, if you, and by you, I, of course, mean not me, go for, let's say, oh, about a fortnight or so without human cock, you're bound to do something on Twoard with the name of Spray Dane, if you know what I mean.
Follow me.
Don't argue with me, Dora scene films when they were being filmed.
Okay, now on this next phone call, Bill Slur is pretty heavy.
You might not understand what he's saying.
He's talking about Women's International Day and how he's still pro-woman and pro-gay.
So he's talking about International Women's Day.
Okay, here it comes.
He's drunk.
He is drunk.
Do you know where he is?
He might need to.
He's throwing his words.
He's so drunk.
He is.
And as you know, I'm pro-chick, even when I'm even more than I'm pro-home mold.
See, pro-chick.
Yes, it did come out against International Women's Day.
I did.
Then I did.
Come on.
Chick's already got National Secretary's Day, right?
Boom.
And who does all you can eat Wednesday night?
Mother's Day, the exotic erotic ball, and Burning Man.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Am I right?
Guys, back me up on this.
Ladies, take a break in a back seat.
Okay.
Now, I want the ladies to back me up on this while the guys take a break.
Ladies, I want you to go back and take two breaks, bring them forward, and combine them into one larger break because the guys are still back to me up.
Guys, give yourselves a break for backing me up while the ladies are taking a break.
All right, ladies?
Alternate between taking breaks and backing me up on this.
And these students are allowing for the formula where X is a positive real integer over Y, and Y is greater than or equal to one.
Now, I'll burnt me.
Roger to that.
Oh, man.
He called back one more time.
Oh, I swear to God.
Jesus.
It's fresh and easy really closing.
By the way, I'm thinking of getting my paint rebrown.
And I'm sincerely interested in your feedback.
Please keep it clean, for God's sake.
Seekress out.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And now it's time for my favorite segment.
It's Tuesdays with Moron.
How are you doing?
It's Moron.
Hey, Moron, how's it going, buddy?
I haven't heard from you in a long time.
What have you been up to?
Ah, Jimmy, you know me.
You know what I usually say, right?
That I'm a good American.
I'm easily manipulated to vote against my own interests.
Yes.
And I always follow authority unless it happens to be a Democrat or a black.
Well, you know how I say that, right?
Yeah, I know how you say these.
Yes, you say.
Yes, you say that all the time.
Well, yeah, you say that.
How does it feel?
Turns out, you guys, you did the same thing.
I did what, the same thing?
With Obama's.
I guess you voted for him and then he's trying to cut your Social Security and Medicare and sticking it right in your liberal asses.
That's not exactly.
That's not exactly what's happening.
You voted against your own interest, then, right?
No, I didn't vote against my own interests because Barack Obama.
And you voted against your own interest, then, right?
No, I didn't.
I didn't vote against my own interests.
Yeah, but you voted against your own interest, right?
Moron, we didn't.
No, because Barack Obama.
Yeah, you voted against your own interests.
Okay.
All right, maybe we voted.
Well, listen.
I actually have another question to ask.
Okay, what is your other question?
What?
What is your question?
Did you hear what they're doing in Tennessee?
No, you mean with the welfare?
I said with the welfare.
Did you hear what they're doing in Tennessee?
Yes, they're making welfare kids do good in school instead of slacking off like the poor kids usually do.
Yeah, I know.
That's not, that's kind of a bad idea.
Yeah.
What they're doing is they're getting so if you're a kid and you're on welfare.
Yes.
And if you get bad grades in school, then you don't get the welfare no more.
Right.
Kids get bad grades, family gets less welfare.
Right.
That's America, Jim.
Free market incentive to get lazy asses off their lazy asses.
Well, you know, actually, Moron, they're not lazy.
That a lot of the people who are poor in America are working poor.
Did you know that?
Well, why?
Well, why else aren't they poor if they ain't lazy?
Well, they actually work.
Anybody can make it in America, Jim, if they work hard.
You know what?
There's a lot of people who work hard every day that work full-time jobs, moron.
In fact, they're not able to pull themselves out of poverty.
In fact, I'm telling you that most of the poor people actually are single women with children they have to take care of.
Here's my point, Kim.
What's your point?
Come on for punishing the welfare poor and humiliating them for being so poor that they need the government to give them food like losers.
Okay, moron.
Come on.
Jim, one thing doesn't make no sense to me.
What doesn't make sense?
Well, let's say that the poor kids are lazy, which is likely because they're poor.
That's not true.
And so he so let's say the poor kid gets bad grades, right?
Right.
And then his family gets less money for food and stuff, right?
Which that feels right.
That's a good feeling to deny poor lazy people food and money.
But what does the kid do then?
I don't know.
I don't know what you mean.
What does the kid?
What does the kid do then?
I mean, what?
I mean, not that I care, but where does the kid get the money for his food then?
Well, he doesn't.
He doesn't get money first.
What do you mean?
I'm saying he doesn't get money.
What do you mean he doesn't get the money, Jim?
He doesn't.
They don't get.
How does the kid eat then, Jim?
This is my question.
Well, that's why this is a stupid idea, moron, because this program is to help people eat, not do better.
What?
Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater there, Jim.
Yeah, I know.
You can still make things bad for the poor.
But, you know, the kids gotta eat, am I right?
Yeah, I know.
That's why we need to get rid of this program.
I'm right, right?
Yes, you're right.
The kids got to eat, but we got to get.
I mean, the kids got to eat, right?
So this is a little glitch in our plan.
Yeah, it's more than a glitch.
It's a bad idea.
Yo, maybe, hey.
What?
Hey, what about this, Jim?
Maybe we could put a sign on front of their houses that says we're poor.
That would make them feel like shit, right?
Warren, what is I don't understand what this knee-jerk reaction is to trying to hurt poor people.
Don't you think that they're saying, don't you think that they have a hard enough life as it is?
And by the way, that wouldn't work because poor people live around other poor people, so they wouldn't be shamed about being poor around other poor people.
It's a bad idea.
Well, how about this?
Maybe we have some regular people or some rich people drive by and look at it.
That would work, right?
We just tell what no, it wouldn't work.
That would probably make the poor people feel humiliated, right?
And horrible about who they are and their place in life.
Yeah, that would.
That's a bad idea.
That's why that's.
What are you talking about?
Whole people.
Is that your wife?
What?
What are you talking about?
Who people?
I'm not talking about whore people, Terese.
I'm talking about poor people, right?
Poor people.
You know, the poor, like they're putts with a P. Poor.
No, putts.
Poor putts with a P. P, like prostitute.
No, Teresa.
Are you using the easy wax back I got you?
What did you get me?
I got you the wax fac.
Look, it's a clean and effective way to clean and dry your ears.
And yeah, the wax fac secret is safe and gentle suction.
All you do is attach the wax fac tip and insert it into your ear.
Yeah, yeah.
But I use cotton swabs.
Cotton swabs push the wax and debris further in your ear, which can damage your eardrums.
Yeah, so try it.
It draws a bunch of pants are torn.
Can a corn?
No, your pants are torn.
Baby's born?
Okay, listen, Jim.
I'm gonna go.
We're gonna take off.
Okay.
Yeah, bye.
Bye, Jim.
Have a good one.
Okay, bye, moron.
Hey, Teresa, how come you can't hear me?
Who's queer?
No, nobody's queer.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
He was dumb.
He was dumb.
I feel smart, Sam.
He was definitely dumb today.
Okay, that's this week's show.
I hope you enjoyed it.
We got a lot of new stuff in the premium content this week.
That's all we had time for this week.
We got a fresh John Boehner call ripped out of this week's headlines, and we're going to address the scandal of them putting quotes around this, the IRS scandal, the Benghazi scandal, and then no quotes around the AP scandal.
That was an act.
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Okay, so thanks to everybody who's already done that.
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All right, that's it for this week.
The show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Steph Samurano, Robert Yatsamura, Mark Van Landuitt, Paul Kozlowski.
Okay, I think I got everybody.
That's it for this week.
And until next week, oh, by the way, hey, have you checked out the Jimmy Dore show in front of cameras?
We had Bill Burr as a guest.
We had Ben Gleb as a guest.
Both those guys were hilarious.
And of course, my usual co-host from Turner Classic Movies, the young guy from Turner Classic Movies, Ben Bankowitz, who turns out to be hilarious.
So that's the Jimmy Dore show.
It's with cameras.
And if you want to see that, go to the website.
We got clips up over there.
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Wouldn't you like to see the Jimmy Dore show in front of cameras?
So swing over to JimmyDoorComedy.com and look at the check out those videos and go ahead and subscribe to the show.
All right.
That's it for this week.
Until next week, this is Jimmy Dorsey.
Oh, by the way, one more thing.
I'm going to be in Chicago June 12 through 15 at the Rosemont Zane's, right?
So right outside of Chicago at the New Zealand's in Rosemont, Illinois.
I'm doing the stand-up there, June 12 through 15.
So if you're in the area, there'll be a link up at the website.
Check it out.
We'll see you then.
Okay, now that's it for this week.
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