Jimmy Dore Show - 20130223_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_2-22-13

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Feb. 23, 2013 - Jimmy Dore Show

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	The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
	Well, the Academy Awards will be on TV this Sunday night.
	I was going to wait until next week to write about them, but then I remembered I'm not even planning to watch the show.
	One reason is this year's host, Seth McFarlane, who's a well-liked personality, though not by me.
	But I'm sure he can use the exposure.
	All we know for certain is the next day he'll be reviled for not living up to the imaginary expectations we had for Seth McFarlane hosting the Oscars.
	If he tries to be funny, who the hell is he trying to be funny?
	This is serious.
	These are movies.
	If he's serious, he's bombing.
	Everybody will say the show was too long, but why don't they ever say it's also empty and pointless?
	Yes, it's known as the gay Super Bowl, but at least the Super Bowl only has a few bad calls.
	The Smart Money says Argo will beat Lincoln for best picture, I guess, because smuggling six people out of Iran is more important than ending slavery.
	I personally think Lincoln should win, but Lincoln, the former president, has won a lot of awards already.
	And Ben Affleck also has a beard.
	I would just like to point out that although both movies are based on true stories, the screenwriters of Argo had to pump up the ending to make it more dramatic, while Lincoln really did get shot.
	At least Daniel Day Lewis' performance is virtually guaranteed in Oscar, though Liam Neeson's Lincoln probably would have kicked my ass.
	Meanwhile, Zero Dark 30s' chances for best pictures have faded as its accuracy has been questioned, which seems fair.
	I mean, do they really expect us to believe that a CIA agent could be that hot?
	Anyway, 2012 was a great year for movies, but only because I didn't see Les Mis.
	It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
	The show for...
	The kind of people that are...
	It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
	It's hard to talk to your TV.
	And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
	It's Jimmy Dorm.
	It's Jimmy Dorm.
	Okay, welcome to this week's episode.
	I am joined on the phone all the way from Manhattan.
	It's TV's Frank from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com, which will be in Detroit this weekend.
	Correct, Frank?
	Yes, we're going to be in Detroit riffing on some bad movies and activating secret sleeper cells.
	Okay, it's Frank Conniff.
	Okay, Frank, so go to cinematictitanic.com, which is in Detroit this weekend to check out the Mystery Science Theater gang.
	Royal Oaks.
	In Royal Oak.
	Oh, I love Royal Oak.
	I've been the Royal Oaks.
	Are you kidding me?
	That's where the Comedy Castle is.
	Across the glass from me, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
	You heard him at the top with his rant.
	It's Steve Rosenfield.
	Hey, Steve, how are you?
	Good, Jimmy.
	How are you today?
	I'm doing good.
	Looking great.
	Next to him, our resident Latina, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, it's Steph Zamarano.
	Hi, Steph.
	Hi, Jimmy.
	It's always great to be here as your token ethnic.
	It is nice to have a token ethnic across from you, our Token Ham Radio operator, former writer for The Daily Show, Emmy Award-winning writer, and the author of Morning Remembrance, funny obituaries of real dead people.
	It's Jim Earle.
	Hey, Jim, how are you?
	Hey, Salama Bacon.
	To you.
	So let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
	I don't know if you guys know about the big deal that happened, but the Breitbart.com posted an article that said that Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel, decorated war veteran Chuck Hagel, might have taken money, cash, from a group called the Friends of Hamas.
	But guess what?
	Turns out, Friends of Hamas, that organization doesn't even exist.
	It's an imaginary evil organization as opposed to Breitbart type, which is a real evil organization.
	Yes, yes.
	So I don't know if you heard that the reporter Barack Obama went golfing this week with Tiger Woods.
	And all the reporters, the White House pool reporters, they were all upset that they weren't allowed to go along and ask questions.
	Isn't that hilarious?
	What I find ironic is that they didn't raise a peep about not being allowed to film the coffins coming home from Iraq.
	I find that ironic too.
	That's par for the course.
	You know, that we had this week we had President's Day.
	Did you know the Republicans want to change the name of President's Day?
	They want to call it Obstructing President's Day.
	Ah, nice, huh?
	Got to the punchline real quick.
	And I hear it's cold in New York, Frank.
	Is that true?
	How cold is it there?
	Well, it's so cold, it's taking me longer to get to punchlines.
	LAUGHTER APPLAUSE All right, all right.
	All right.
	Listen to that.
	It's really cold, and I actually tried to imagine myself on a carnival cruise.
	I took the shit in my apartment, but it just wasn't.
	In a plastic bag.
	Okay.
	And guess what?
	I saw a funny parody recently.
	It's a Fox News show.
	It's called Fox News Watch.
	It's a show of Judith Miller.
	She's that New York Times columnist, right?
	You know, she wrote all those phony things about the weapons of mass destruction that were fed to her by Dick Cheney.
	So it's a Fox called Fox News Watch.
	It's a parody.
	It's a show of Judy Miller that calls out bad journalism.
	It's hilarious.
	Jimmy?
	Yeah.
	Jimmy, actually, that show is real.
	Oh, my God.
	That actually is a real show.
	That is a real actual show that's on every week.
	Judith Miller is calling out bad journalism on Fox News.
	And then we switch over to Chris Christie calling out people for not working out.
	Yes, because I'm sure you all get that joke.
	Well, he's fat, right?
	He's a big man.
	He's a big guy.
	So to what's coming up on today's show, there was a new report about how bad the Catholic obstructionism is harboring pedophiles in Ireland.
	We're going to talk about that and some people who justify staying in the Catholic Church.
	We're going to ask them why.
	Rick Perry put out a commercial telling people to move their business from California to Texas because it's so hard to start a business in California.
	Plus, Herman Kaine says the reason why Barack Obama got elected was because 51% of the electorate are ignorant.
	I don't think he was quoting Pokemon when he said that.
	Also, Colin Powell states the obvious about the Republican Party.
	And we check in with the Republican Party's freak out again and their civil war trying to figure out how to fix their problems.
	We're going to talk about a lot, most of that on today's show.
	And then we're going to wrap it up with Carnival Cruise Line, Ted Cruz, and Joe Biden has some advice to you on what you should do instead of buying an assault weapon.
	He has some advice for you.
	And we're going to have phone calls today from Bill O'Reilly calls in today.
	Donald Trump today, Bill O'Reilly, and it's Rick Torn's Hollywood Drunk Tang.
	Right.
	Oh, boy.
	That's all today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
	Music Time for another installment of Oh my God.
	Okay, so in this week's Oh my God segment, we're going to be talking about the Catholic Church because there's a new report just came out in Ireland about how bad and deep the harboring of the pedophiles were.
	Because let's remember, the problem wasn't necessarily that there were molesters in the church.
	There's molesters in every church.
	The problem was that the church from the top down, starting at the tippy top with the Pope, harbored them and obstructed the police's investigation.
	So what they did was they let these child rapists loose on other people and kept them raping children.
	And they kept harboring them because they wanted to protect the institution instead of protecting the innocent children.
	So they have a new report that just came out in Ireland.
	And I'm going to play.
	Here's the Prime Minister of Ireland, and here's what he has to say about it.
	For the first time in this country, a report into child sexual abuse exposes an attempt by the Holy See to frustrate an inquiry in a sovereign democratic republic as little as three years ago, not three decades ago.
	And in doing so, the Cloyne Report excavates the dysfunction, the disconnection, the elitism that dominates the culture of the Vatican today.
	The rape and the torture of children were downplayed or managed to uphold instead the primacy of the institution, its power, its standing, and its reputation.
	So that's the prime minister of Ireland.
	And he's saying that this new report they just came out with showed that the church was obstructing police investigation into child rapists.
	And I like that he called them child torturers.
	He said child torture.
	That's what it is.
	And he said, he said, not three decades ago, three years ago.
	This was three years ago.
	This was happening.
	And he's a little outraged about it.
	And so Chris Hayes has these Catholics on his show.
	And he has on a couple of Catholic writers.
	He has on a priest.
	He has on a woman.
	I don't know if she's a nun, but she looks like one.
	And so they're all talking about, and they're upset also with the Catholics' handling of the pedophilia.
	But they remain in the church.
	They remain inside this church, which I don't understand that, okay?
	I remain in the Catholic Church because it's the only way I can still get an erection.
	So here.
	You'd think something was afoot, you know, with the Saint Molester.
	They made that guy a saint.
	That's a mistake.
	They make good news for us.
	That's a mistake.
	You know, I went on the Pope's Facebook page, and he poked me.
	Literally.
	That's not right.
	So I got poked.
	That's not right.
	That's going to hurt.
	So Chris Hayes asks correctly, why do you stay in the church?
	And he asked this one Catholic female writer, and here's what she says.
	Sure.
	Well, I went to Yale Divinity School, which is a Protestant seminary with a ton of Catholic students and Catholic.
	Okay, so first of all, let me just, she says, oh, I went to Yale Divinity School.
	In case you don't know this, I just want everybody to know, anytime someone insists on mentioning the Ivy League school they attended when they're answering a question, they're an a-hole and they're full of crap.
	Okay?
	So here, okay, here we go.
	Faculty in it.
	And that gave me time, gave me years to figure out what it was that I loved about this church and what was distinctive.
	First of all, I think it's funny that she has to, while in college, it takes her years to figure out what she loves about the church.
	You already love it.
	You just don't know what it is you love about the church.
	Have you ever loved something like that before in your life, that you loved it, but you didn't know why you loved it?
	Even when I, nothing, even something as confusing as Rocky Road ice cream, I knew I loved it right away.
	You have to love it on faith, Jimmy.
	Take years to develop the taste for Rocky Road.
	So here is after a few years of all the time she needed to figure out what it was.
	This is what she loved about the church.
	And what hurts me about so many more traditional Catholics who claim to love the church is they have this very reductive view of Catholicism that says, well, it all comes down to how you believe, what you believe about sexual morality.
	When in fact, the beauty of this tradition is it's sacramental theology and the sacramental theology that is the basis for this unparalleled social justice tradition.
	Okay, so she says that she's upset at other people who have what she calls a reductive view of religion, which that's a pretty good academic word.
	She completely misused it.
	Reductive would be taking the seven sacraments as the sum total of the Catholic religious experience, which is what she just did.
	She's trying to pretend that the sacramental, which I don't know if you're not Catholic, sacraments are like marriage is a sacrament.
	The Eucharist.
	The body of Christ, right?
	Yes.
	So when you have a piece of bread and they say that becomes the body of Christ, that's called the sacrament of the Eucharist.
	So they have these sex.
	When they have the bread now, they call it the body of carbs.
	So what they do now is, so what they're saying is, because we have a ritual and we added this word sacrament to it to make it sacred, now it's just a ritual.
	She's in the church because she likes the rituals.
	I used to take the Sacramento Freeway to Stockton.
	I'm sorry.
	Go ahead.
	And what she's doing is she's being overly simplistic, and she's being inappropriately myopic, like not recognizing – Don't forget that, Jimmy.
	I'm trying not to forget she went to Yale.
	But she's not recognizing that the Catholic Church is as much a secular institution of power as it is a body of spiritual constructs, right?
	Jimmy, I just want to say that if she brags about her Ivy League background one more time, she could get hired to write for the census.
	Yes.
	SNL.
	And Conan O'Brien.
	You know, I would have respected her more if she would have just said, look, I go for the crackers and wine and the rest of it seems like BS.
	I like the organ music.
	So that was her real answer.
	She spent years in Yale trying to figure out what she loved about the Catholic Church, this place filled with pedophiles and their harborers, and she stays in this institution.
	Why?
	Because of their sacramental theology that somehow has to be administered by pedophiles.
	I don't understand this, why she stays in there.
	Go ahead.
	The Catholic Church provided her with a structure for her self-hatred.
	Yes, I think you're right.
	So here's a...
	Just overall that she has to say that she was hurt by these people.
	Like she was hurt by people having any kind of opposing viewpoint about the Catholic Church.
	She's hurt?
	She's shut off easy, I think.
	It's relative to other people's assurance.
	She's not outraged about anything.
	She's just hurt how people are interpreting her doctrine, I guess.
	Yeah, again, that was the answer to why do you stay in this organization that is not only filled with pedophiles, but run at the tippy top by people who harbored them.
	We all know this now.
	Mahoney here in Los Angeles just had to resign.
	He's still a cardinal, by the way.
	Oh, and he can't wait to vote for the new Pope.
	And he's had to resign because they found out he was actively thwarting the police investigation of pedophiles that he harbored.
	He didn't Turn them in.
	But I don't understand why any of these guys don't have to go to jail.
	They don't.
	Yeah, they're criminals.
	They're criminals.
	So if you did that in any other organization, you'd go to jail.
	But they don't because they work for the church, which is another reason to not like religion because it gives false piety to people who don't deserve it.
	They don't go to jail because it's a huge corporation.
	It's a huge corporation.
	And it's billions of dollars the same way the oil companies.
	Yes, it's a beat the rap.
	This is another corporation that's beating the rap.
	Exactly.
	They have a lot of power.
	They said God is too big to fail.
	God is too big to fail.
	So Reverend Gene Scott used to say here in L.A., a great pastor here.
	He would diagram the word Ecclesiastes and he would take it down to its root, which was money.
	Oh, really?
	That was his argument.
	Yeah, Ecclesiastes is the root of that word is in money.
	Money.
	You know, I'm tired of people giving them these titles, Cardinal Roger Mulhoney.
	Why isn't it just predator?
	That's funny.
	Capital P. So they have another capital.
	Church predator.
	They have another Catholic writer on, and Chris Hayes asked him the same question.
	Why do you stay in this church?
	Because this guy admitted to questioning it.
	He was an atheist for a while, but he came back to the church.
	And here's why this guy came back to the church.
	Ready?
	What is the Catholic Church good for unless you believe the tomb was empty on Sunday?
	Jesus Christ is a risen Lord and you want to get to heaven.
	Well, actually, I say, what is the Catholic Church good for even if you believe that stuff and want to go to heaven?
	Why do you need that?
	There's dozens of other churches if you believe that he's the risen Lord and all that stuff.
	Why do you need the Catholic church?
	Why can't you go to like a Unitarian church where they have a lot more singing and less molesting?
	I don't understand why you have to go.
	It's the same reason I watch the TV show Smash.
	I need something silly in my life.
	I am a bogomill and I will never go back to Catholicism.
	He is a bogomilla.
	Let me listen to this guy again.
	Let's listen to what he has to say.
	What is the Catholic Church good for unless you believe the tomb was empty on Sunday?
	Jesus Christ is a risen Lord and you want to get to heaven.
	Okay, well, what is it good for?
	I don't know.
	There's all the schools, the hospitals, the real estate, the various charities.
	The Catholic Church could cut out all the God's stuff and still be one of the world's largest and most powerful financial political powers in the world.
	Just on their t-shirt sales alone.
	They got a lot of paintings and mosaics.
	A lot of God's stuff is only dragging them down.
	Yeah, think about it.
	It's holding them back.
	One big thing, they got to get rid of the pigeons.
	The fact that the resurrection is the main reason he's in the Catholic Church means he's no different from a Star Wars fan.
	You know, in other words, fantasy is what he's into.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	Very good point for us.
	No, no, no.
	There's no pedophilia in Star Wars, right?
	Hang on, there's more coming.
	Let me hear this guy again.
	What are the sequels about?
	What is the Catholic Church good for unless you believe the tomb was empty on Sunday?
	Jesus Christ is a risen Lord and you want to get to heaven.
	Like, that is what drew me back into the church.
	Really, of all the options to worship Jesus, from the Pentecostals with the snake juggling to the Unitarians, which are basically, they just meet at a Denny's every Sunday to chat.
	That's basically what they are.
	And you felt drawn to the one church that molests kids and thinks having sex is too magical to permit condoms.
	This is one of those moments when I'm going to say, don't follow your heart, buddy.
	That's one of those moments.
	So, and I love how that woman, none of them try to reconcile the rape thing.
	None of them try to reconcile the rape.
	That's what he specifically asked them.
	Hey, how do you reconcile staying in this?
	Why do you stay in this organization and try to change it instead of just leaving it?
	And they couldn't answer that question.
	That woman didn't try to answer that question.
	She didn't, she didn't, you know.
	And so what?
	You want to believe in those three things?
	Why do you have to belong to the Catholic Church?
	That's my point.
	I want to get to heaven.
	I want to get to heaven.
	Where could I go?
	There's nothing but pedophiles around her.
	Okay.
	Everything's mystical to them.
	Everything has a double meaning.
	For instance, Jesus has risen.
	Hmm?
	Okay.
	This has been, oh my God.
	Oh, my God.
	The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
	Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
	Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
	Thank you.
	So I don't know if you're familiar or if you've heard this commercial that Rick Perry, governor of Texas, is running.
	He ran this in Sacramento.
	And it's, well, I'll just play it for you, and it's pretty self-explanatory.
	Building a business is tough, but I hear building a business in California is next to impossible.
	This is Texas Governor Rick Perry, and I have a message for California businesses.
	Come check out Texas.
	There are plenty of reasons Texas has been named the best state for doing business for eight years running.
	Visit TexasWideopenForBusiness.com and see why our low taxes, sensible regulations, and fair legal system are just the thing to get your business moving to Texas.
	Yeah, you know, California, it's impossible to start a business here.
	You know who said that?
	Steve Jobs, I think, said that.
	It's impossible to start a business here, except the most profitable corporation in the history of the world.
	We started that one here in California, and it seems to be doing pretty good.
	And by the way, they go, you know, Texas is in the top 10 of the best places to do business, according to Forbes magazine.
	You know who's number one?
	Utah.
	Utah is the number one state to do business.
	You know who's number three?
	South Dakota.
	So it's not that high of a bar.
	All you have to be doing.
	You know what you have to be willing to get in the top 10?
	You have to be willing to let corporations pollute, not have zero regulation, maybe?
	Yes, have a legal system tilted towards the big guy, the fat cat, and boom, you got yourself in the top 10 right there.
	Prisons fracking and fracking.
	You added some uneducated workforce who don't know how to organize, and bam, you're in the top 10.
	I know that, you know, the California is great.
	The podcast industry is booming there.
	It certainly is.
	It's a gold rush.
	This kind of leads into what the hell is wrong with the Republican Party.
	Something's wrong with the Republican Party.
	Something's wrong with the Republican Party, and they're trying to get their head on straight.
	They don't know how to go forward.
	They don't know how to get, because they lost.
	They've lost five out of the last six presidential elections by the popular vote, right?
	So they lost to Bill Clinton twice.
	They lost to Al Gore once.
	And they just lost to Barack Obama twice.
	So they lost.
	I think that's five out of six.
	Five out of six.
	They need to figure out how to steal the election again like they did in 2004.
	Exactly.
	Right.
	I think they're not, you know, they're not dwelling on it.
	They have a positive mental attitude.
	You know, they're not losers.
	Well, they're no, their attitude is not to look inward.
	Their attitude is to point the finger at everybody else except themselves.
	Here's Herman Kane, and here's what he, he was on with Bill O'Reilly, and here's what he thinks the problem is, why Barack Obama got, by the way, yes, Herman Kane is back.
	Herman Kane is back, and that's good.
	I was worried.
	He's a paid contributor to Fox now.
	Yes, back to the back.
	which is why he ran for president in the first place.
	Let's face it.
	And he's back in front of the camera where he belongs, hasn't lost a step.
	He hits the ground running.
	He was on the O'Reilly Factor Tuesday night.
	Bill asked Herman about how President Obama won the election in November, and here we go.
	Yes.
	And we have a severe ignorance problem with the people who are so mesmerized by his popularity that they are not looking at the facts.
	Yes, let's be clear.
	If Americans looked at the facts, President Obama would not be in office.
	Also, Mitt Romney would be hung by his thumbs in a town square, and no one have ever heard of Herman Cain if America looked at the facts.
	If America looked at the facts, let's be clear.
	And I don't need to explain to you guys why this guy, why this is hysterical.
	I mean, this isn't one of those moments where an experienced comedian is even needed to make fun of him.
	It's like listening to the tape.
	That's all.
	It's like airplane food or Schindler's list.
	It's already funny.
	Okay.
	I like how he says they're mesmerized and not looking at the facts.
	Hey, Herman, Ix Nay on the app phase thing.
	You're working at Fox News.
	Okay.
	Mesmerizing Americans into believing crazy things is their bread and butter.
	Steve Doocy routinely swings a gold watch in front of the camera while saying climate change isn't man-made.
	Okay.
	Martin Luther King Jr. said 50 years ago in 1963, something that is so appropriate to today.
	There is nothing more dangerous than serious ignorance.
	And that's what we have.
	And he gets away from the money.
	I don't see that seriously.
	Yes, with the help of the establishment media.
	Hey, there it is, the old establishment media chestnut.
	Sounds to me like somebody that's got his own coffee cup in the Fox News break room.
	And his name is Herman Cain.
	The first day is a thrill.
	You know, I have a lot of problems with the mainstream journalism.
	We have a lot of problems with mainstream media here on the Jimmy Door show.
	But I'll tell you one thing.
	I don't think they're intentionally helping either political party.
	What they're trying to do is help their shareholders.
	And by that, and that means doing the most entertaining and superficial piece of crap job that they can.
	They're selling widgets, not information, promoting ignorance, sure, but it isn't ignorance that has benefited both parties.
	Herman Cain, for instance, was considered a viable candidate for well over three minutes last year.
	That would have never happened with the responsible media.
	But what are you going to do?
	Joining me on the phone is Bill O'Reilly.
	Bill, I understand you got some big news, buddy.
	That's right, you Mick bastard.
	All of you liberal, baby-killing, man-boy-loving creating some gentle, loving spirituality in your worthless lives.
	That's why I've written my next book, Killing Jesus.
	It's part of my best-selling killing series.
	It was killing Lincoln, then killing Kennedy, and now killing the big guy himself.
	The only dude in recorded history who's almost as awesome as me, Jesus O'Christ.
	Why'd you add the O to the Christ there, Bill?
	I just wanted to give Jesus a little gravitas, okay?
	The more his name sounds like mine, the more people will respect him.
	So, Bill, do I take it that you're a fan of Jesus' work?
	Of course.
	Before I came along, he was what passed for a popular conservative commentator.
	Wait, Bill, you're saying that you're more popular than Jesus.
	Hey, he only had 12 apostles.
	I have millions of viewers.
	You do the math.
	You do the math.
	And by the way, in honor of my upcoming book, premium subscribers to billoilly.com will receive a discount on our latest item, the loofah of Turin.
	The loofah with the face of Jesus on it.
	But if you scrub the employee that you're sexually harassing hard enough with it, Jesus' face turns into an image of me drooling.
	Will you wash people's sins away?
	Hey, don't be blasphemous, scumbag.
	This is some sacred shit we're talking about here.
	So show a little respect.
	Is it okay if I ask, in what way are you and Jesus different?
	That's actually a good question.
	I would say that the only real difference between the son of God and myself is that Jesus isn't always getting his ass kissed by Dennis Miller.
	Okay, but Bill, what I really want to know is how historically accurate will Killing Jesus be?
	Historically accurate?
	Are you kidding me?
	Like all my books, it's going to be historically accurate up to yin-yang.
	Well, what methods of historical research did you use?
	Well, my books take the same approach to facts as my O'Reilly-facted TV show does.
	So I pretty much just write down whatever the hell comes into my head.
	Really?
	Come on, Jimmy.
	I've got to spice things up, especially for my readers, who, let's face it, are a bunch of ignorant rubes.
	No disrespect intended.
	It's not that I'm inaccurate.
	It's just that I mention things that other historians overlook.
	Like, for instance, in Killing Lincoln, I pointed out the irony of the fact that Lincoln presented our American cousin with a Tony Award the night before he was shot.
	And in Killing Kennedy, I write that in addition to being a congressman, senator, and president of the United States, Kennedy was also a VJ on MTV in the 80s.
	You know, Bill, I don't see how that's possible.
	It's a verifiable fact.
	Look it up, Ben Ed.
	Okay, but what about killing Jesus?
	What surprising facts have you uncovered?
	Well, I'm the first historian to reveal Jesus' affair with Marilyn Monroe.
	Bill, come on, give me a break, buddy.
	Hey, Jimmy, if the man could walk on water, he was certainly capable of boinking Marilyn Monroe.
	Okay, well, Bill, thanks for joining us.
	Jimmy, in the spirit of our Lord God, I say unto you, go fuck yourself.
	I say unto you.
	I say unto you.
	Muuuuh.
	you Hello, podcast listeners.
	Do you know what's coming up in the second half of the show?
	You should.
	It's a Rip Torn.
	Rip Torrance's Hollywood drunk tank is coming.
	Don't fast forward.
	Let it come at its natural pace.
	And I want to let everybody know who's listening to this.
	Thank you for using our Amazon.com box.
	It really does help support the show.
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	How does it work, Jimmy?
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	Okay, you know what?
	There's a lot more show coming up.
	Plus, we had an extra bonus to extra 25 minutes for today's show.
	That's in the premium content.
	I'm going to let you know how that works later on in the show.
	Okay, let's get back to the second half.
	We got a morning remembrance from Jim Earle coming up in the second half.
	We're going to be talking about John McCain getting his ass handed to him at his own town hall meeting and him snapping.
	And plus, of course, Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk tank.
	That's all coming up in the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
	So that's Herman Cain trying to figure out what's wrong with the Republican Party.
	There's nothing wrong with that.
	It's just people are ignorant.
	And we've been mesmerized?
	People are done.
	Here's Colin.
	Here's Colin Powell.
	Here's his idea of what's wrong with the Republic.
	He's got some advice for the Republican Party.
	What the Republican Party needs to do now is take a very hard look at itself and understand the country has changed.
	The country is changing demographically.
	And if the Republican Party does not change along with the demographic, they're going to be in trouble.
	So what he's saying is if the Republican Party, they have to change along with the changing demographics or they're doomed.
	But I think the Republicans are saying to Colin Powell, hey, black guy, thanks for the tip, but we're going to try not changing for a little while longer.
	We're going to see how that works with the not changing.
	What do you want from Powell?
	You know, he endorsed Obama.
	Yes, twice.
	Yes.
	Right?
	And the fact that this guy still gets asked for his, There's also a dark, a dark vein of intolerance in some parts of the party.
	What do I mean by that?
	I think we know what you mean by that.
	You mean like the entire party?
	You mean dark vein?
	You mean they're against artificial sweeteners?
	What do you mean that they have it and they're intolerant?
	Of course we hear.
	He goes on to explain it.
	You mean that they asked you for your long-form birth certificate when you became Secretary of State?
	Is that what you mean?
	Intel, we all know what you mean.
	What I mean by that is they still sort of look down on minorities.
	There are a lot of things that the American people are expecting.
	And the Republican Party, as they get ready for the next election, really has to focus on some of these issues and not ignore them.
	Everybody wants to talk about who's going to be the candidate.
	You better think first about what's the party you're actually going to represent.
	If it's just going to represent the far right wing of the political spectrum, I think the party's in difficulty.
	I don't know if you've noticed that.
	Why is this, again, we just went from the Catholics who are part of an organization?
	Again, why would you have to join?
	Why is he a Republican?
	understand it.
	I mean, how many chairmen of the Republican parties have to apologize for being race-baiters for you to go, hey, you know what?
	Would you guys cut it out already?
	Why is he an authority figure on anything?
	Here's a guy who found something that wasn't there that got us into the Iraq war.
	And now he can't find something that is there.
	Racism.
	He's not good at finding stuff.
	No.
	Very nice.
	So that's his advice for the Republican Party.
	And they don't know what to do.
	And here, I'm going to talk about Mark Rubio's speech.
	So their answer, the Republicans' big answer to try to get back on top is we got to put a Hispanic out there.
	We've got to put a Cuban out there.
	But the problem was they put a Cuban out there, and he said stuff like this.
	Both parties, from John F. Kennedy to Ronald Reagan, have known that our free enterprise economy is the source of our middle-class prosperity.
	But President Obama, he believes it's the cause of our problems.
	It's that same BS warm.
	It's like a mourned over Mitt Romney speech.
	And that's the problem with Marco Rubio.
	It wasn't the fact that he grabbed for water or awkwardly.
	It was that.
	It's like he offered nothing new.
	He said nothing new.
	In fact, he would even do the thing where he contradicted himself, right?
	Watch, listen to this.
	More government isn't going to help you get ahead.
	It's going to hold you back.
	More government isn't going to create more opportunities.
	It's going to limit them.
	Now, I believe in federal financial aid.
	I couldn't have gone to college without it.
	Wow.
	I don't know.
	Are you contradicting yourself there?
	More government isn't going to help you get ahead.
	It's only holding you back.
	I'm not talking about the government that helps the job creators.
	I'm talking about the bad government that helps the people they laid off.
	That's the bad government.
	Yeah, it's okay when government helps guys like Marco Rubio.
	It's when they help the wrong people, you know, everybody else.
	That's what he's upset about.
	They're the opposite of NIMBY's.
	They want everything in their backyard, but not anybody else's.
	I believe, now I believe in federal financial aid.
	I couldn't have gone to college without it.
	But I'm out of college now, and it's time for the free ride to stop.
	I've graduated.
	You guys are screwed.
	I'm what makes America unique, a Latino who used equal opportunity programs to create a career working for people who hate Latinos.
	The circle of life.
	It goes.
	It goes on and on.
	So this is, again, the problem, the problem of the right wing and what the hell they're supposed to do about it.
	Now, I was watching after Marco Rubio gave his response to the State of the Union.
	I was watching Sean Hannity, right?
	Because I like to be angry while I eat dinner.
	And so he had Frank Luntz on.
	You know, he's the pollster with the Toupe.
	And nobody knows.
	Looks great, Frank.
	And he so he listen to how he phrases a question.
	So they had Barack Obama give a speech, Marco Rubio.
	Here's Frank Luntz's.
	Here we go.
	Okay, I'm going to ask very quickly, which vision is more stronger to you?
	Is more.
	So he wants to know, which vision of the America do you like, Marco Rubio's or Barack Obama's?
	Listen to how he frames it.
	Appropriate to you, the government that spends more or the government that spends less.
	Rubio's vision or Obama's vision.
	The crappy, shitty government or the really good Republican government.
	But he also made a mistake because he said, who are you?
	He switched.
	Yeah, he said spend more.
	Do you want the Republic?
	You want the responsible government that spends less or the Muslim socialist who hates white people?
	Choice is up to you.
	It's not my choice.
	It's judges.
	I don't know what to choose.
	Hey, it depends on what they're spending money on.
	If they're spending money on me and my family, that's a good vision.
	But if they're spending money on blacks and Mexicans, I think that's inappropriate.
	You know what Frank Luntz would be great at?
	Gift wrapping shit with a nice big bow on it.
	And this is a focus.
	This is a focus group at Fox News.
	So here he asked this question.
	Who says Obama's vision?
	Raise your hands.
	Who says Rubio's vision?
	Raise your hands.
	Now, a lot of Romney people liked Obama's speech, but now you're telling me that a lot of Obama people preferred Rubio's vision.
	Yes, and those are the people who cancel out our votes.
	Just two of you, Obamacare.
	Not all of them.
	Why was Rubio's vision so strong to you?
	Two Obama voters.
	Explain that.
	Okay, so, okay, so here he is.
	Obviously, to create this Fox News focus group, Luntz carefully chose a cross-section of ignorant very careful.
	Very carefully.
	And so here's what they had to say about Rubio's speech.
	Ready?
	Here's the first idiot.
	Susie.
	He was just like me.
	He came from basic surroundings like I did, and he's believable and he's humble.
	Yeah, he had basic surroundings like I did.
	He had a mother and a father.
	He lives in a house, eats food, uses a toilet.
	I can relate to him.
	He's just like me.
	America is exceptional, but we want our presidents to be nothing special.
	They want us to be just like us.
	Makes sense.
	Okay, here's another idiot who liked Rubio's speech.
	Ready?
	Why so positive towards Rubio?
	Because he seemed to reflect American values, what this country is all about.
	Our strength lies in our citizenry, not in our government.
	And you say propaganda doesn't sink in.
	Hey, buddy, you got another empty platitude that doesn't mean anything and you don't understand.
	Could you lay it on me something that doesn't mean anything?
	I'd like to hear it again.
	But he said it so convincingly.
	Yeah, our greatness is in our citizens.
	It's crazy how Fox does this just to comfort themselves, you know, not just forgetting that they just lost an election big time to Obama.
	You know, they're trying to comfort themselves by thinking, no, America really does like Marco Rubio and not Obama.
	Yeah, this is exactly what this is.
	Well, this is people who don't pay attention closely either.
	And well, here's another woman.
	Here's another genius.
	He was anecdotal and he's a positive role model.
	You need to vote for him.
	Yes.
	Yes, he's anecdotal and a positive role model.
	What does she want him to be in the Reader's Digest or something?
	I don't know.
	I guess, unlike the other presidents who seem to forget what color their father was, you know which one I mean.
	I really wish that FDR's We Have Nothing to Fear and JFK's Ask Now What Your Country Can Do.
	I wish those speeches were a little more anecdotal.
	Yes, I wish FDR was a little bit more like me, if he would have came from humble beginnings.
	I hate when politicians go for big ideas in their speeches, transformative concepts that can maybe have an effect on people's life.
	I like a folksy anecdote.
	I like it to feel like I'm in a Mayberry general store.
	I'm with you 100% on this.
	Yeah, that's right.
	I agree.
	It's time to stop paying attention to the big ideas that made this country and start paying attention to the individuals like David Koresh and make this an interesting place to live.
	Exciting place to be a little bit more.
	And Ted Nugent.
	We need more cracker barrel crackers.
	When are these politicians going to stop trying to solve our problems?
	So now here is, now here's a guy.
	Here's our favorite guy, right?
	Here's a guy who listens to too much AM radio.
	Go ahead, say it again.
	We're going broke.
	I don't care what else you say.
	We're going broke, and eventually we're going to have to pay the piper.
	Okay.
	Yeah, we're going broke, so I'm going to vote for the guy who opposes gun control, universal health care, and the minimum wage.
	I'm going to vote for that guy.
	We have to cut Medicare and Social Security.
	That's all there is to it.
	The day after my wife and I are both dead.
	Let's do that.
	He wants to pay the Piper.
	We should cut funding to the arts, too.
	What are you talking about?
	With the paying the pipe?
	That's the perfect guy to get advice on how to solve our 21st century problems because he still says things like, pay the Piper.
	I believe this pipe.
	If I were the Piper, Steve, I'll tell you, I'd be pretty sick of people not wanting to pay me.
	I'll tell you that.
	The Piper is broke.
	I live in the West Village, and there's a lot of paying the Piper going on.
	Oh, really?
	Well, is that a euphemism?
	I think so.
	A lot of people blowing into a Piper.
	Yeah.
	Or pipe.
	Pipe blowing.
	Want me to spell it out any further?
	No, no.
	Let me put it a little more subtly than a lot of men getting blowjobs.
	laughter laughter Ha, ha, ha, ha.
	frank speaking code And now it's time for another reading from the book Morning Remembrance, a book of fake obituaries of real dead people, read by Jim Earle.
	Leo Sternbach, creator of Valium.
	Leo Sternbach, a research chemist responsible for developing the most addictive muscle relaxant since KO Pectate, is now dead calm.
	At the height of Valium's popularity in 1978, Sternbach's company sold over 2 billion tablets evenly spit between Liz Taylor and Liza Minelli.
	Always a hands-on technician, Sternbach once tried Valium.
	He reported its only side effects were increased drowsiness, followed by the urge to marry Gerald Ford.
	Yes.
	For most patients, for most patients, the drug imparts a mild euphoria, but that wears off once you wake up to find you've killed your grunge rock husband with a shotgun.
	That's a Kurt Cobain reference.
	In 2003, members of the pharmaceutical industry celebrated the 40th anniversary of Valium by lying down on the living room floor, drooling on their shirts, and then slowly watching a cigarette burn the drapes.
	Sternbach requested his body be combined with the bodies of other drug inventors in order to create a dangerously erotic synergistic reaction.
	the end.
	Thank you.
	And that was another reading from the book, Morning Remembrance: Fake Obituaries of Real Dead People by Jim Earle.
	and can be found at jimearl.com.
	Thank you.
	The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
	Or for other ways to subscribe, go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
	Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
	Thank you.
	Okay, let's get back to the studio where I'm joined on the phone all the way from New York from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
	It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
	Also in the studio, our resident Latina, host of comedy and everything else at Step Sab Morano, along with two former writers for the Daily Show, Jim Earle and Steve Rosenfield.
	And we're talking about the Civil War inside the Republican Party.
	Continuing with the right-wing freakout, you know, when John McCain's been having a problem, I don't know if you saw the videotape of him at his town hall meeting this week, but here, you know, you know, when you walk around, here's his campaign commercial talking about it.
	When you refer to Hispanics, Mexicans, and immigrants to America like this.
	Drug and human smuggling, home invasions, murder.
	Oh, my God.
	The immigrants come here at home invasions, drug smuggling, murder.
	What should we do?
	What should we do?
	Remember what his big idea was, his big idea?
	Complete the dang fence.
	It'll work this time.
	Senator, you're one of us.
	Okay, so when you walk around saying that stuff, when you go to your next town hall meeting and you tell people that you want to have reasonable immigration reform, this is what you've created.
	You're a senator with the federal government and you're doing nothing about it.
	You said, build a dang fence.
	Where's the fence?
	There you go.
	Where's the dang fence?
	Where's your fence?
	What does dang mean?
	Dang.
	It means damn, but you could say it on TV, I guess.
	So he said, where's the dang fence?
	I think there's a big fence around all seven of his homes.
	So here's how John McCain handles it.
	In case you missed it, I showed you.
	That's not a fence, the guy yells, and he yells.
	It's a banana.
	We've put up a banana with about $600 million worth of affairs.
	He hates people.
	He really hates people.
	It's a banana.
	That's not a fence.
	Oh, yeah, it's not.
	It's a banana, I guess.
	$600 million federal dollars.
	They're making a banana.
	He's got a good dry delivery.
	You got to hand it to him.
	That's a guy who's not looking that.
	That's a guy who's not looking to run in 2016.
	That guy didn't get to be president.
	I don't understand it.
	And he's like, are you shocked that when you tell people that all the immigrants are coming here to suck all our money away and they're going to murder us and they're nothing but drug runners?
	Are you surprised that this is how your constituency is at?
	So here's more.
	It got even better.
	The people that come across the border are illiterate, they don't speak English, and they're dependent class.
	Cut off their welfare and all their stuff and they'll go back.
	So the guy said everybody who comes across the border, they're illiterate and they're looking for free stuff.
	And he says, cut off their free stuff, which we all know that most of the people who come here are looking for work, right?
	Drive by a Home Depot and you see them all standing out there waiting to get work.
	And they're the people who mow our lawns and wash our cars and fix our cars and watch our babies and clean our homes.
	Those are who these people are.
	Go ahead, Frank.
	No, the ones in the Home Depot parking lots are already well taken care of with their free welfare.
	They're doing that because helping people fix their odds.
	That's their passion.
	It's a hobby.
	They're like someone who writes who writes screenplays just so they can write on their novel, write their novel, which they really love.
	The stores for people is their passion.
	That's why they're there.
	Yeah, so they're not, they don't actually work.
	They just actually go to Home Depot and do handiwork for fun, but they're still living off welfare, is what you're saying.
	Yeah, because they've already gotten plenty.
	They don't need the money.
	I think McCain could have gotten a better reaction from these people had his commercial just kind of trailed off from murders, drug running, hat dancing or shutters.
	So here he is.
	So he tries to actually write the ship.
	He tries to tell them that, you know, the overwhelming of the majority of them are not on welfare, but you can't hear him because people are cheering the other guy who's saying cut off their welfare.
	Here it is.
	So what he said was the overwhelming majority of them are not well, and they're all clapping the other guy first.
	So he's created a monster, and he tries to tell them, no, most of these people are actually working.
	They mow our lawns.
	They care for our babies.
	And then the guy comes back with, well, why didn't?
	Army go down there and stop them.
	Because the only thing that stops them, I'm afraid to say, and it's too damn bad, but is a gun.
	That's all it'll stop.
	You should be afraid to say that.
	Take a gun down to them.
	Take a gun down to them.
	Is this the dark vein of the Republican Party that?
	This is the dark vein they're talking about.
	Yes.
	Take that gun down there and make them come into your house and build stuff.
	Yes.
	So here's what he has.
	Here's John McCain trying to straighten him out.
	People who have been here illegally for 50 years, for 40 years.
	Am I then telling them to become guest workers?
	Yes, they're going to say yes.
	Tell them to become guest workers.
	No, you can't do that.
	Why can't you do that?
	Because we're a Judeo-Christian principled nation.
	Heresy.
	Heresy.
	We hate the Jews.
	We're a Christian nation in theory.
	In theory.
	Not in practice.
	We don't actually clothe the poor or take care of her.
	We're not our brother's keeper, like the Bible says.
	We're not that good.
	We're selfish.
	We're the Ayn Rand kind of Christian, where if you don't have something, there's something wrong with you.
	And it's funny to watch John McCain have to battle these people.
	And now he tries to make the point that there's 11 million of them already here.
	What are you going to do?
	Going to round up 11 million people and send them back to their country?
	You're not that good.
	They're not going to do that.
	With a gun.
	They're not going to do that.
	They're not going to do that.
	So then John McCain gets asked by a reporter afterwards who's been to a lot of his town hall meetings.
	Like, wow, that was a little wild, huh?
	It's been a little raucous.
	And let's hear how John McCain responds to it.
	Oh, sure.
	People are people that are unhappy.
	Most of the people in here are happy.
	Most of the people in here agree with me.
	Most people agree that as was carried over recently, somewhere around 77% of the American people believe that there should be a path to citizenship as long as they pay a fine, pay back taxes, get in the line behind everybody else.
	So he's saying that he thinks most of the people in there agreed with him, agreed with John McCain that they should have a path to citizenship.
	And this guy's like, what?
	7% of the people in this room today agree Jaria, I'm sure.
	Absolutely.
	What's your problem?
	Did you hear what he said?
	He goes, what's your problem?
	He says to the reporter, what's your problem?
	He's a little defensive.
	It goes on.
	That reminds me of the last time I did the comedy store, and I told someone afterwards I had a good set.
	They go, what's your problem?
	What's my problem?
	What's my problem?
	My problem is you deliberately crash four planes in Vietnam and you're a rotten pilot and you suck at soldiering.
	And you picked Paleo.
	Sarah Palin.
	Okay, here we go.
	Absolutely.
	What's your problem?
	I don't have a problem.
	Yeah, this was not a typical town hall meeting.
	It is.
	I've been amazing.
	So he's trying to tell them that this is just a typical town hall meeting.
	And this guy goes, no, I've been to a lot of your meetings.
	This felt like I was thinking to myself a telephone glad to know that you're an expert.
	I am the one who has gone to the town hall meetings and we have lots of them and they're very vigorous and that's what they're supposed to be.
	Okay, so John McCain handling it well.
	Should not take any kind of criticism.
	Should not take any criticism.
	Hey, I just witnessed something and I'm just asking you about what I witnessed.
	What's your problem with your in touch with reality?
	Wow.
	Okay, you know, we've got a lot more on the right-wing freak out.
	We've got stuff on Ted Cruz, more on John McCain.
	And we've got a phone call, a hilarious phone call with Donald Trump.
	And guess where that's at?
	That's all in the bonus premium content this week, which you can access at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	And when you see a post that says protected, you just type in the passcode protected and it's going to give you access to all that extra content.
	That's just this week.
	Even if you're a donor or not a donator, we're going to let you have access to that stuff now so you can check it out and get used to it.
	Okay.
	So you go to jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	You see a post that says protected.
	You type in the passcode protected and you get access To our Donald Trump phone call, all the extra stuff about Ted Cruz.
	Plus, we have some video before and after shows with the fellows at the studio, okay?
	We're going to make that all available.
	Whenever you see a post that's entitled Protected over at JimmyDoorComedy.com, you just type in Protected, and then you'll be able to have access to that content.
	But going forward, we're just going to make that premium content available to our donors, right?
	So, $5 a month, $5, that's nothing.
	$5 a month gets you access to the extra audio content.
	And at a $10 a month donator, you're going to get access to not only the audio, but we're going to make the video of the podcast available too to those people.
	That's coming up soon.
	But right now, we have the audio available.
	So check that out and let's get.
	But you know what time it is?
	Do you know what it's time for?
	And now it's time for Riptorn's Hollywood drunk tank.
	Gather around, kitties.
	Daddy's drunk and ready to dish.
	Here to help you separate the showbiz wheat from the chaff and the Hollywood horse meat from the hamburger helper.
	Say it ain't so.
	Prickly prime time darling Alec Baldwin is accused of calling an African-American photographer a coon.
	The PAP and a reporter, both from the New York Post, accosted Mr. Baldwin while he was out walking his doggies late at night.
	He denies using the slur.
	Both parties have filed police reports, but the NYPD is being niggardly with information.
	Whether he said it or not is no matter.
	As we all know, anytime someone is accused of doing something racist, the accusation itself magically makes it so that it did happen.
	It's a corollary to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.
	I know it well.
	Years ago, I was at the Chateau Barmont getting fucked up with Larry Hagman and Marianne Faithful.
	Larry and I heard the rumor about her and Mick Jagger in the Mars bar.
	And needless to say, after a baker's dozen jid fizzes, we promised her that we could top that in a gypsy minute.
	Dob Deloise happened to have a jumbo-sized Snickers bar hidden in his ascot.
	We grabbed it, and the next thing you know, we had her splayed out of the bar yelling about how she liked Snickers and was going to get all the Snickers she wanted.
	Well, wouldn't you know, old Harry Belafonte was in the other room and thought we were saying something else.
	So he hops and puffs on over and starts reading us the riot act.
	And I said, ah, fuck off.
	Shouldn't you be singing some song about bananas somewhere?
	And needless to say, that didn't help the situation.
	A minor brawl broke out.
	I got my nose broken in two places.
	Joe Gray lost a toe.
	Larry Hagman somehow ended up on a catamaran with an unconscious mob of calf next to a pool of regurgitated nougat.
	All over a simple misunderstanding.
	The moral of the story?
	Dom Develese has a confection pocket sewed into all his ascots.
	The moral of the story?
	The rumors are true.
	Fergie is with child.
	Not the Duchess of York, Fergie, the prostitute with a record deal, Fergie.
	She and happy hubby Joshua Hamel haven't disclosed gender, so it's anyone's guess if the nursery will be painted Tramps Rouge or Maxim Magazine Periwinkle.
	For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, Fergie is the feral dirt witch who ass-bounced her way into the pop group Black Eyed Pease by wowing the original three members, all of whom I refer to as Will I Am, with her stunning lack of talent and slovenly slut ways.
	The final creative element that allowed the peas to make some of the most abysmally retarded pop music ever created.
	Needless to say, the advent of motherhood has reinspired her muse.
	The Will I Am that looks like a phantom will be producing her new single, Too Posh to Push, parentheses, keep it tight.
	A shameless and peppy ode to the cesarean section.
	And once this tiny new member of Pop Music Royalty has emerged from the well of aborted souls, that is Fergie's uterus, he or she can expect big plans.
	The Black Eyed Peas stage show for their upcoming world tour incorporates the Fergling, who will be wearing the latest hip-hop gear for babies as it rides a white tiger on stage to be suckled by mama, wearing sexy lingerie and a nursing papoose airbrushed with El Pacito as Scarface, reminding the world that there's a new pop queen in town and that this is what happens when schools defund arts and music programs.
	Ha ha ha!
	Ha ha ha!
	Rip Torn Drunk Tank, Literary Edition.
	Drunk liar asshole Bill O'Reilly has decided to top his bestsellers, Kelly Lincoln, and Killing Kennedy with Killing Jesus.
	The book will chronicle the historical events leading up to and including the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.
	I can't wait.
	Especially since there are no historical documents or archaeological discoveries indicating that this ever even happened.
	It's pretty easy to write a history book when you're not an historian.
	So look for my upcoming bestseller, Killing Cleopatra, how Dr. Zayas used mind control to send poisonous snakes back in time to control the Roman Empire by Elmore Rip Torn with the forward by Snuffle Up against based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
	Well, that's all the time we have this week, kitties.
	Until next time, this is Rip Torn reminding you that celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
	I know what's up.
	Okay, that was the inimitable Mike McRae doing the Rip Torn Hollywood drunk take, everybody's favorite.
	Hey, and there's a lot more show to get to today, but we are not going to include it in the podcast.
	It's going to be over at jimmydoorcomedy.com.
	It's for our premium.
	It's our new premium content, but everybody gets access to it this week to show everybody how it works.
	We're going to go over to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
	You see a post that says protected.
	You type in the passcode protected and you get access to the content.
	Right now, there's audio.
	We're going to have some video up too.
	So $5 a month gets you access to the audio extra.
	Today there's about 25 minutes of extra show.
	We're going to have a Donald Trump call over there.
	Here's a little tease of that.
	Jimmy, it's the Donald here.
	Try to keep up, all right?
	Okay.
	You know, Donald Trump real estate mogul, entrepreneur, reality show host.
	And this is exciting.
	I just became a notary public.
	If you need something notarized, call me.
	I'll show up in an extremely fancy limousine, and I'll basically just notarize the shit Out of it, so there's that over there.
	Plus, we make fun of Ted Cruz, which I don't think it's right that Ted Cruz not only acts like Joe McCarthy, he looks like Joe McCarthy, which is a weird coincidence, a weird synchronicity.
	That's like that's like if someone was kind of secretly hating the Jews, but he grew a Hitler mustache.
	That's kind of anyway.
	So, uh, there's that over there.
	So, there's a lot of more hilarity and more contents.
	Everybody wants more content, there it is.
	Uh, plus, in the premium content this week, we talk about Joe Biden's advice on how to keep gun violence down.
	Buy a shotgun.
	He urges people to buy shotguns anyway.
	We talk about that this week over there over another extra 25 minutes today over at the website, okay?
	So, that's how it is going forward.
	We're going to make some extra about a half hour extra available at least every week to start of audio content and $5 a month gets you access to that.
	We're going to add video content up the podcast, and that's going to be at $10 a month.
	But that's not right now, that's coming up, okay?
	Hey, we'll see everybody who's in the Riverside, California area.
	We're bringing Left, Right, and Ridiculous to the University of California at Riverside on February 27th.
	All right, so if you're around there, check it out.
	There's a link for that show at the website.
	Also, we're going to John Boehner's district.
	We're doing, we're telling jokes.
	We're recording the new CD at Go Bananas in Cincinnati.
	That's on March 7th through 10th.
	So, there's links for that show over at the website too.
	See you in Cincinnati.
	Today's show was written.
	That's right, it was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Mark Van Landuit, Robert Yasimura, and Steph Zamborano and Jim Earl.
	Big thanks to Sean James, who fixed my Macintosh again this week over the internet.
	If you need something fixed on your computer, he can fix it for you right over the internet like magic.
	How do you get a hold of him?
	You send him an email at machelp at seanjames.com and he'll get right back to you.
	Okay, that's it for this week.

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