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Dec. 22, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
This week, the world was supposed to end.
I predicted it won't, but I'm not infallible.
Many years ago, I also predicted people would eventually stop watching The Bachelor.
But in both cases, millions of people remain fascinated by crap.
This week's doomsday prediction was based on the conclusion of the ancient Mayan calendar.
Frankly, I thought the Mayans calendar ended for all practical purposes about a thousand years ago.
Although they did know quite a bit about vanishing without a trace.
People have been predicting the end of the world since the beginning of the world, which is a bet you really can't win, though it may give you some leverage with stupid people right up until the deadline.
But then they get really embarrassed and pissed off at you.
When you think about it, in many ways, the world already has ended.
The world of clean oceans, union jobs, and reasonably priced concert tickets.
And the world is an ongoing thing with restaurants and movies and people.
We'll probably end sooner or later, but the end may come on so slowly, we'll never notice it.
Somebody will say, hey, did you hear the news?
The world ended.
Really?
When did that happen?
About a year and a half ago.
Oh, I was wondering what that thing was.
Predicting the end of the world is one of the little games we play to avoid thinking about things that are actually important, like keeping the world from ending.
Some people are putting a positive spin on the Mayan prophecy and saying that Friday begins a new age.
But these are people with completely unrealistic expectations for the weekend.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you today.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio across the glass for me, the performer writer for the Daily Show, a hilarious comedian.
You heard him at the top of the show.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you?
Oh, I'm doing great.
Can Frank hear me, though?
I had a fight with my folks today, so I feel great.
It's nice.
Really ready for the holidays.
That's really nice.
I'm so glad my grandpa was an alcoholic.
Okay, here we go.
More on that later.
More on that later.
Next to him from Team Yasamura.
It's hilarious Japanese comedian Robert Yasamura.
Hi, Robert.
Hello.
I love it.
Good to see you.
Robert, how's your depression doing?
It's doing great.
Fortunately, my grandfather, not an alcoholic.
Mother was.
Oh, your mother was an alcoholic.
So I'm the, yeah, I've got the child of the alcoholic.
The adult child.
Okay, I got it.
All right.
I'm not that much of an adult.
No, I know that.
You're handling it.
You're handling it.
And across from him, it's the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, hilarious comedian, Steph Zamorano.
Hi, Steph.
How are you?
Oh, Jaime.
Okay.
I just want to remind our listeners that I'm a mech I can.
Yes.
A little mech eye candy is what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm saying.
On the phone, all the way from New York City from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
It's TV's Frank Frank Conniff is with us.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey, I wonder if you could tell me if you think my grandfather was an alcoholic.
I'm going to tell you an absolutely true fact about him.
He died in 1937 at the age of 37 of cirrhosis of the liver.
That is an absolutely true.
Funnier than it seems.
Do you think he appreciated the irony?
Hey, he's up five, people.
Come on.
Let's let the healing begin.
Okay, so let's do some jokes before we get to the joke.
I don't know if you guys know, but the CEO of the NRA, right, after the big Sandy says shooting, he's been avoiding tough questions, and he's going to continue that strategy this weekend by appearing on Meet the Press.
It should work out then, Farm.
Yes, it should work out.
You know, Gingrich says secularism led to the mass shooting, and the media is really going to make him pay for saying something that stupid by putting me on every Sunday talk show this week.
Did you hear that now Tennessee is considering training its teachers to use guns in classrooms, but they still have yet to train them to use books in Kairos?
You know what?
I'd like this lifetime.
They always do the great holiday movies.
Frank, have you seen any of their holiday movies on Facebook?
Oh, they've got some great ones coming out.
Mother, May I Sleep with Santa.
And also, Santa Claus conquers his fear of intimacy.
Frank, are you worried about your Christmas depression this year?
No, you know what?
I am having a really horrible Christmas depression, but past experience tells me that it'll blow over by August.
So what's coming up on today's show?
We're going to talk about in the Oh My God segment, why Jesus and God let this horrible tragedy happen.
We're going to take a look at that.
Barack Obama came out and he said he might actually do something about guns.
Ballsy, really ballsy.
Also, we're going to take a look at Joe Scarborough wants to know about the branding problem with the Republicans.
And Barack Obama has put on the table to end the fiscal cliff negotiations.
He's put Social Security on the table.
And this is Obama's way of preventing the Republicans from screwing over our most vulnerable citizens by doing it himself.
So that's coming up.
Plus, we got Jake Tapper asks a question, and a lot, lot more.
That's today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
This week's Oh My God segment, we've got David Fisher, right, who from the American focus on the family aspect.
Here's what he had to say about the shooting in Connecticut.
Here's what he had to say about it.
This is what caused it.
Ready?
You know, the question's going to come up.
Well, where was God?
I thought God cared about the little children.
God protected the little children.
Where was God when all this went down?
And here's the bottom line.
God is not going to go where he's not wanted.
Yes.
Interesting theory.
God is not going to go where he's not wanted.
Okay, there's a little bit more.
Connecticut.
You know, first, just tell, hey, there's a guy who's going to go kill 25-year-old kids.
No, they don't want me over there.
He's having a snick.
He's a little bit of an egomaniac, if you ask me, right?
God can get petulant at this.
Okay, he's got a little bit more.
It's 1962.
We're 50 years into this now.
We have spent 50 years telling God to get lost.
Telling God we do not want you in our schools.
We don't want to pray to you in our schools.
We don't want to pray to you before football games.
We don't want to pray to you at graduation.
We don't want anybody talking about you in a graduation speech.
So I just want to just point out here, what he's doing is he's blaming the victims.
And the reason he's doing that is because he knows they can't argue with him.
Okay, here we go.
We don't want anybody referring to you.
We have done, we don't want your word read in our schools.
So in 1960.
So it's the atheists that are slaughtering all those kids with their not believing.
That's what it is.
Don't you people get it?
God is like the mafia, and praying is like giving him protection money, right?
Hey, it's a nice school you got here.
Hate to have something horrible happen to it.
I'm God.
I need a couple of prayers.
Or, wow, look at that front door's wide open.
Don't call it blackmail.
That's such an ugly word.
That is such an yes.
Yes.
Okay, let's hear what else he has to say.
See, too, we kicked prayer out of the schools.
In 1963, we kicked the word of God out of schools.
In 1980, we kicked the Ten Commandments out of schools.
You know what?
And what the straw that broke the camel's back was when they took Under God under the Pledge of Allegiance.
Oh, no, they left that in.
Okay, all right.
Kick God out of our public school system.
And I think God would say to us, hey, I'll be glad to protect your children, but you got to invite me back into your world first.
I'm not going to go where I'm not wanted.
I am a gentleman.
Hang in there, Robert.
Hang in.
Why did we bother having an enlightenment?
Because God, because God is not going to go where he's not wanted, Robert.
He's a gentleman.
So those kids all died because of God's good manners.
Christian people are so anti-gay, and yet they portray God as the biggest drama queen.
Okay, and the reason.
Okay, so he has a little bit more to say.
You know, I think back when I was in elementary school, we had prayer in schools, and we didn't need guns.
But we did have separate drinking fountains.
We needed that.
We needed that.
And then we needed the National Guard to let a little black girl go to school in my home state.
But other than that.
I'm going to repeat that.
Also, can I point out, too, that, you know, religious schools, Catholic schools let God in.
So I guess God is really okay with raping and crowd molestation.
Molestation.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't that well?
First of all, he's more than welcome.
And then all these horrific things go on there, but God is welcome in there.
So I guess he's okay with all that.
Okay, I just Googled church shooting and I got about 80 listings came up right away.
Church shootings, people shooting people in churches.
In fact, Dr. Tiller was shot in a church with a guy with a shotgun came in and killed the abortion doctor.
So that happened right in a church.
Here's the first Pennsylvania church shooter left, returned to fire a fatal shot at ex-wife.
That happened on December 3rd in the church.
December 3rd of this year, that happened.
Maybe they weren't nice to God at that church that one day.
Church shooting over a graffiti outrages L.A. neighborhood.
That's from November 5th of this year.
Church shooting, woman pleads not guilty in deadly attack.
That's from November 8th of this year.
So Georgia mega church shooting, suspect in custody.
That's from October 24th of this year.
So they just, it doesn't.
Jimmy, why are you giving us all these facts?
Yeah, because he's making the case for concealed firearms in church.
Yes.
We need to teach our ministers to shoot guns.
So it's just God.
He always needs to be asked to save five-year-olds from getting slaughtered in front of their peers.
They're saying God is like a vampire.
You have to invite him into the house in order for him to come in.
That's that how a vampire works?
Yes.
It's a vampire thing.
Yeah, they won't come into our house unless you invite them in.
Okay.
By the way, I notice you're not reading all the times people didn't get shot in church.
God never gets the credit for that, does he?
Right.
All the people that didn't get shot.
And first of all, whenever I go to church, the guy we're worshiping is hanging on a cross with nails in every person.
What are you kidding?
All right, so here's Mike Huckabee.
Here's what he says.
Well, you know, it's an interesting thing.
We ask why there's violence in our schools, but we systematically removed God from our schools.
Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage because we've made it a place where we don't want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means.
You know, that stuff you're supposed to talk about in church.
We don't talk about it in school anymore.
We just talk about school stuff at school.
Where in the Constitution does it say you're supposed to separate church from state?
I ask you that.
Oh, wait, oh, wait, it does.
Okay.
Oh, wait, it does.
not just going to have to be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day we stand before a holy God in judgment.
If we don't believe that, then...
Yes.
Who's going to stand in front of God for judging God for not saving those kids for Christ's sake, right?
Isn't that a sin?
I'm not going to say anything to him about it.
Last time I checked, that was called a sin of omission, right?
I fear that.
And so sometimes when people say, why did God let it happen?
You know, God wasn't armed.
He didn't go to the school.
But God will be there in the form of a lot of people with hugs and with therapy in a whole lot of ways, in which I think he will be involved.
He's the God of hugging.
Yeah, see, that's how you know God's there.
He doesn't save the kids from being slaughtered, but he shows up with hugs.
With the hugging.
With the hugging.
That's something.
Come on.
It's something.
So here I was.
Who doesn't want a hug?
I was on Facebook, and there's this guy named Jared Kent Thomason.
His name is Jared Kent Thomason.
And he wrote this on a thread about this shooting.
And he said, here's a question for you.
Why would a school teacher who really cares about his or her students make them take a really difficult test and make them actually study?
If the teacher really cared, your theory says that all kids would just get an A automatically.
So he's saying that this is a big test, right?
So I said, so killing 25-year-olds with an assault weapon in front of other five-year-olds is just a tough test from a God that really cares.
If you're joking, it's the worst joke I ever heard.
If you're not joking, there's something seriously wrong with your brain.
Jared Kent Thomason writes back, I just asked a question, and I did not call anyone stupid or say anyone had something wrong with their brains or anything else.
Things like that are uncalled for if you are really wanting open discussion.
I could listen to your points, but once you try to make fun of someone, that changes things completely.
And I wrote, you asked the most moronic, insulting, ridiculous, soulless question I could ever imagine.
If you had any decency, you would apologize for littering this Thread with your garbage and then delete that stupid, insipid post.
But you won't because your brain is broken and you just revealed that to everyone.
Congratulations.
Jared Kent Thomason writes back: if it makes you feel better, I will remove the comments.
I am not going to call people names or treat people wrong just because I disagree with them.
Okay, and I wrote back, and you shouldn't be allowed around anywhere near a kid in case your God asks you to administer a test.
That's great.
That is Facebook face-off.
Okay.
You won that one, Jimmy.
Did he click the like button?
He has a stupid brain.
Yes.
Again, his name.
I did have a gigantic altercation on Twitter with someone.
You did what?
About this?
About this, yeah.
Like a gun nut.
He eventually, eventually, his thing said, a count is protected, which I thought was very ironic that this badass gun nut too much of a coward, even for Twitter.
He has to be protected on Twitter.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Dorr show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, jimmydorecomedy.com.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So here's Bernardson.
Barack Obama, he gave a press conference.
He was talking about the gun thing, and here's what he had to say: it's going to take a wave.
If we're going to change things, it's going to take a wave of merits.
Yeah, it's going to take a wave of Americans because we've got a steady stream of gutless politicians who cower in fear of the NRA.
That's why it's going to take a real wave.
Okay, who else is it going to take?
It's going to take a wave of merits.
Mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, pastors, law enforcement, mental health professionals, and yes, gun owners standing up and saying enough on behalf of our kids.
Yes, because that's how you change things.
You wait until everybody in the whole world agrees with your premise, and then you can do something about it.
You have to wait for everybody to be on board.
So let's move on.
Here's this.
And he went on to say this after that.
It will take commitment and compromise.
And most of all, it will take courage.
Oh, so that assures it won't get done.
The three things none of them have.
Three things none of them have.
Has any conservative come out to talk about gun control at all?
The Republicans are just hoping that this all kind of blows over and there's not another mass shooting for another couple weeks.
Yeah, no kidding.
So here, Barack Obama went on to say this.
Like the majority of Americans, I believe that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear offs.
Do you think they really think that?
Does the majority of Americans think that?
I don't think the majority of Americans think that.
The majority of the Supreme Court thinks that.
Yes, and the majority of the NRA and the Republican Party thinks that.
But I don't think the majority of Americans, I think we all get that it was a militia.
They were referring to a militia because they were afraid of federal power.
They wanted to make sure that we had local power to check, right?
Because they all knew what tyranny was that came from a central ruler.
They came from England.
So they know what that's like.
They wanted control closer to home.
And so, okay.
And wasn't that really just about muskets at that time?
Yes.
So like, I'm okay with that.
It fired like once a month trying to reload it.
Let me load it up.
That was even about swords because, you know, in England, they would randomly ban even swords or spears or anything.
And it was only given to the nobles to have serious armament so no one could raise an army against them.
Also, muskets back then were multi-use.
Like you'd use it as a gun, but you'd also use it to go to the bathroom with and scratch your back with it.
So there weren't iPhones or anything back then.
So muskets were like a big thing.
Whenever they came out with the updated Busket 0.2, it was very exciting.
And so they didn't want the government taking their muskets away.
I hear you.
The musket sketch.
Thank you.
You got more to say.
Hold on.
I am also betting that the majority, the vast majority of responsible law-abiding gun owners, would be some of the first to say that we should be able to keep an irresponsible, law-breaking few from buying a weapon of war.
Okay, that doesn't address the problem in Sandy.
That doesn't address that problem.
Because it wasn't somebody buying a gun illegally that shouldn't have one.
It was his mother who bought a gun legally, and then a crazy person in the house went and got that gun.
That's the problem.
That's what happened.
So passing that law, whatever law you're thinking of, Brock, pretending, is he pretending that's the problem?
Yes, he is.
Because that's the only solution he has.
He's going to try to push the assault weapons ban back through.
That's what he's going to try to do.
And that the main reason why this was such a huge thing was because the guy had an assault weapon.
He had a AR-15 with a 30-round magazine.
Right.
It's a military weapon, right?
Yeah.
And also, I know from what I've heard reports so far is that this kid had obvious mental issues.
Yes, obvious.
And his mom, you know, I guess his therapy, whatever, would take him to the shooting range.
Yes.
Taught him to use guns, which was probably not a great idea.
I read something that said that she was trying to, she had kind of given up and was trying to get him committed.
Right.
And that he had found out about this, and that's why he killed her.
You're right.
That was the turning point.
So, of course, this is all speculation, but that's what I read on the internet.
So you know.
Well, the point is, is he's a deeply disturbed mentally ill kid, and he had access to assault weapons.
That's the problem, is he shouldn't have had his mental illustrated once, for one.
And for another thing, he shouldn't be able to just open a drawer and pull out an assault weapon and go outside if you're mentally ill.
And so I agree with you, Frank.
And here is William Bennett, who used to be the Secretary of Education.
He's always a font of wisdom.
Under the Ronald Reagan administration, not of wisdom?
A font.
A font of wisdom.
He said something else.
Me too.
So, William Bennett, Bill Bennett, he wrote, no, he's even probably more famous for writing the book of virtues.
That was his book, The Book of Virtues.
Oh.
And it's the best-selling book of virtues ever written by a degenerate gambler.
Yes, he spent most of the profits from that book sitting in casinos, gambling, having cocktails brought to him by half-naked women.
And his defense of that was that, hey, I didn't gamble away the mortgage or the kids' college tuition.
So I think that's what it says in the Bible.
You can do anything as long as you don't screw up the mortgage.
Yeah.
Right.
So here's Genius.
And he's still brought on television as a moral authority on things.
That's the funniest thing to me.
So of course a guy who's a degenerate writes a book called The Book of Virtues.
Of course pedophiles become priests and Cub Scout masters.
Of course.
Of course he's trying to throw the dogs off the scent.
They're experts on perversity.
The silent sinners scream the loudest.
Right.
Okay.
So here's what he here's here's his idea.
William Bennett, degenerate gamblers, ideas on how to fix this problem.
Let's remember the good things here, the heroism of those teachers and that principal.
And I'm not so sure.
And I'm sure I'll get mail for this.
I'm not so sure.
I wouldn't want one person in a school armed, ready for this kind of thing.
The principal lunged at this guy.
The school psychologist lunged at the guy.
It has to be someone who's trained, has to be someone who's responsible.
But my God, if you can prevent this kind of thing, I think.
Yeah, and the best way to prevent it is to put more guns in schools around a bunch of kids.
Because we all know kids would never find that gun.
And if a guy came in with a military rifle, it would be just lickety split that that principal would go into the locked cabinet where they keep the gun, load it, take the safety off, come back, and then start killing some MFers.
That's all that needs to happen.
Right.
It's genius.
Genius.
So today on the show, we're having a very special guest.
We've got God on the line.
Thanks for joining us, God.
We were having real trouble booking the guests for this week's show.
So you turned out to be a real savior.
Gee, Jimmy, I never heard that joke before.
Yes, you know, and now you're going to lead us in a chorus of hack the Herald Angels.
God, I'm just curious to know why you agreed to be a guest on my show today.
Well, Jimmy, all the credit goes to your wife, Steph.
She's the one who booked me.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but she's Mexican.
And Mexicans are generally a very pious, very religious people.
They're quite conservative, you know.
You would think that the Republicans would have gotten all of their votes this year.
Instead, they didn't get any.
Well, why do you think that is, God?
Because Mexicans have brown skin and Republicans are fucking racist.
Wow.
You really are all-knowing, aren't you, God?
So I have my wife, Steph, to thank for your booking.
Thanks, honey.
You should thank her.
I wasn't going to come on because of you, that's for sure.
I'm well aware of what a godless prick you are.
Although your wife did point out that you are a podcaster and you work in public radio, so you have taken a vow of poverty.
Yeah, just like a nun, huh?
And I'm just like nuns in other ways, too.
How so?
I'm sexually attracted to women.
Okay, knock it off, wise guy.
I am here for a very specific purpose.
Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich have been evoking my name to explain recent tragedies.
And I just want to officially disassociate myself from those two douchebags.
They say that you've been kept out of public schools, and that's why these awful events have happened.
You disagree?
Of course.
Those two fat tons of shit do not speak for me.
I mean, come on.
Newt Gingrich has never met a commandment he didn't break.
Speaker of the House, Mayor of Sodom, and Governor of Gomorrah is more like it.
And don't get me started on Mike Huckabee.
Really?
What about Mike Huckabee?
Jimmy, I'm serious.
Don't get me started on Mike Huckabee.
I hate that sanctimonious tweet with the force of a thousand sons.
His face playing alone is reason enough for him to rotten.
Well, God, I'm glad you could use my show as a forum to get this stuff off your chest, but I have a question.
If you're an all-powerful God, why do you allow tragedies to even happen in the first place?
Jimmy, I can't hear you.
You're breaking off.
But people pray to you for love and peace, and yet you still allow so much suffering to happen in the world.
Jimmy, I'm losing your signal.
But God.
I can't make out a word you're saying.
Okay, that was God, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's give it up for God.
You're better.
You're better.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Happy holidays to the podcast listeners, my favorite listeners.
Han, I apologize for the late drop today.
Life gets in the way sometimes, but this is the time when I let everybody know that this podcast is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners.
And what's the easiest way to support?
You know, the easiest way.
It doesn't cost you anything.
What's that way?
You use our Amazon.com box.
And thank you to everybody who has used our Amazon.com box over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
It's the easiest way to support the show, and it doesn't cost you anything.
Isn't that nice?
You just go over to our website.
You click on that Amazon.com box.
It takes you to Amazon.com.
And then when you buy something, they send us some money.
And it really works.
People are always like, does that really, does the money really, it really gets to us?
That really works.
So God bless you for using everybody who's used that.
I really appreciate it, especially during the holiday season.
It's a great way to support this show.
And thanks for everybody who took advantage of our Pro Flowers promotion.
We love Pro Flowers and we love giving a good product to our listeners.
Thanks for taking advantage of it.
It helps everybody.
And you can always make a donation over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
We send you a DVD or we send you a CD in the mail.
Honda says a thank you gift.
And you're doing the right thing.
That's what's important.
And listen, if you're going to be in the Los Angeles area January 5th, get this, January 5th, right?
That's a Saturday.
It's the Saturday after New Year's Eve.
We're doing the big stand-up show over at the Improv in Hollywood.
That's Melrose and Crescent Heights at the Hollywood Improv in West Hollywood.
And why don't they just call it the West Hollywood Improv?
Maybe it is called that.
I don't know.
So anyway, we're doing the big stand-up show.
And there's a link over at the JimmyDoorComedies.com for tickets.
So mark that down.
What are you doing the Saturday after New Year's?
You're coming to see the big stand-up show.
That's what you're doing.
Okay.
And okay, so that's it.
Thanks for your support.
We got Barack Obama phone call coming up.
John Boehner phone call.
Oh, Vince Vaughan.
Vince Vaughan calls in also.
So that's coming up on the second half of the Jimmy Door show.
Enjoy.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you, everybody who listens and supports the show.
And at this time of year, it really means a lot.
And it means a lot all the time.
This is my heart and soul, this kind of show.
This is what I've always wanted to do.
And I appreciate everybody who likes what I like doing.
And thanks for everybody who stopped over to check out the video clips of our new web series, too, that's on the Young Turks Network.
That's another big deal for me.
All dreams come true for me to do shows like this and be able to do it without anybody getting in my way.
So thanks for making that possible from the bottom of my heart.
That's the greatest gift, holiday gifts I could ever get.
So thank you very much.
And okay, let's get to the show.
Nothing.
Except if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
Yeah.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are thousands.
I will go to one of those sleep labs when scientists will monitor the many levels of deep sleep that I willingly descend to while cables and devices are attached to my body.
A tangled mess of interconnectedness is not very sexy.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joining on the line.
We have from Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the phone.
It's TV's Frank, Frank Connoff.
Cross the glass from me in the studio, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield, is with us.
Next to him from Team Yasamura, hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura.
Also joining us our resident Latina, the host of comedy and everything else.
It's Steph Zemarano.
Okay, so what's coming up on the second half of the show?
We're going to hear some phone calls.
Maybe Vince Vaughan calls in.
Maybe Barack Obama.
I'm not really sure.
Maybe John Bain.
We don't know how we're going to space out these calls.
It's going to be edited later, folks.
So I sat down, I had a conversation with the Speaker of the House, John Boehner.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
Joining us today, Speaker of the House, John Boehner.
Speaker Boehner, how are you holding up under all this fiscal cliff pressure?
You didn't look good the other day.
Never mind that, Jimmy.
I just realized that anytime anyone is speaking to me on the phone, they're on speakerphone.
Isn't that funny?
Well, I wouldn't exactly call it.
Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
Speaker Boehner, don't say that.
It's true.
Chris Christie dreams all day of eating a twinkie.
That's how much I dream of eating a scientify.
It's all this fiscal cliff pressure which really getting to you, isn't it?
Well, not at all.
The only thing I'm focused on is the idea of sticking a glock in my mouth.
A what?
A glock.
You know, a handgun.
Oh, right, a glock in your mouth.
All right, for a minute, I thought you said the idea of the abrupt popping sound of a gunshot, and then my brain splattering all the back of my scold, spoojing all over Grover Norkworth's smug, stupid face is the only thing that keeps me going.
You know, Speaker Boehner, I have a question for you.
No, Jimmy, I have a question for you.
Oh, okay.
Go ahead.
She, I mean, go ahead, ask me your question.
Jimmy, my question is this: Where air is love, does it fall from skies above?
It is underneath the willow tree that I'm dreaming of.
Speaker Boehner, please stop singing.
Oh, I get it.
Not only can I not please a tea party, President Obama, or the American people with my legislative skills, I can't even please you with my wistful warbling a classic Lionel Bart ballad.
No, it's not that.
It's just that I can't afford to pay for the use of that song on the show.
That's exactly the problem, Jimmy.
America's at the precipice of a fiscal cliff, and the only way we're going to be able to afford to let wealthy individuals like myself sing show tunes on the radio is by taking away Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and all benefits that help people in need.
So let me get this straight.
You're saying that clearing song rights with ASCAP is more important than providing health care to sick, elderly people.
Don't twist my words, Jimmy.
I didn't mean that it's more important than providing health care to sick, elderly people.
I meant that it's more important than providing health care to sick, elderly, poor people.
Okay, well, in that case, maybe you should just eat a maybe you should just eat a cyanide pill then because your policies and policies of the Republican Party are heartless and foolish.
Well, Jimmy, if that's how you feel, let me ask you this: What kind of fool am I who never fell in love?
It seems that I'm the only one.
I'm the only one that I've been thinking of.
Got that right.
Thanks for joining us, Speaker Boehner.
Yes, my Brian Orange paint faggot.
Okay, Speaker Boehner.
Unexpected sign-off.
So here is Joe Scarborough.
You know, the Republicans lost another presidential election, and we've been playing on the show, the Republicans trying to figure out what went wrong and how they can fix their party.
And here's Joe Scarborough.
So they did a study where 20, well, he's going to talk about it.
Here's the study that they talk about.
These are researchers that say we asked them like 22, 23 different topics, whether Americans related more to the Democratic Party or the Republican Party.
22 of the 23.
They got billworked to Democrats.
So what he's saying is they, as researchers asked, people did this poll.
And 22 out of the 23 major issues in America right now, people favor the Democrats' position on them.
And that's what he's talking about.
Generalized, massive branding problem.
So what's the problem, Joe?
They got Bill Moore to Democrats.
Yeah, it is a generalized, massive branding problem.
Oh, man.
Okay, it's a branding problem, Robert.
No, it's not a branding problem.
It's the you're on the wrong side of history problem.
It's not like you guys have the greatest chocolate bar in the world and you named it cancer.
That's not the problem.
That's a branding problem.
Your problem is that you're against equal rights for homosexuals.
That's your problem.
Okay, you're in the pocket of the oil companies.
That's your problem.
It's not a branding problem.
It's a bunch of problems.
They need to consult with the guy who changed the spelling of the sci-fi channel.
LAUGHTER Ah!
Yeah.
Bye.
you Okay, so moving on.
And Barack Obama is talking about getting this fiscal cliff done.
And he's talked about cutting Social Security.
What they're going to do is they're going to, so the cost of living, so when the cost of living goes up because of inflation, well, there's metrics to figure out how much more Social Security you should get.
And what they're going to do now is they're going to change that metrics, the way they calculate how much money you should get when inflation goes up.
And the way they're going to do it is going to give old people less money.
So you're going to get less social security.
So for instance, let's say I don't even have to give you an example.
You get it.
You guys get it, right?
Is this the thing they're calling CPI?
Yes, the consumer price index, right?
So it's all based on that.
As a soon-to-be old person, I'm very concerned about this.
Yes, okay.
It's not that long off for me, believe me.
So here's what, you know, Frank, after I hit 40, everything seemed like it was right around the corner.
I started to see, I could see my death, I could see my funeral, I could see, I don't know how many cars.
You can't, you know.
So here's Barack Obama giving a speech talking about how his social security negotiations with the fiscal cliff.
What voters were looking for is some compromise up here.
That's what folks want.
Robbie, yeah, because when people voted for Barack Obama, they were saying, hey, would you please compromise and cut Medicare and Social Security to help finance two wars, tax cuts for millionaires, and bank bailouts?
That's what people were saying, according to Barack Obama.
You think I'm kidding?
Here, he says it again.
You think I'm kidding?
Compromise up here.
That's what folks want.
They understand that they're not going to get 100% of what they want.
Right.
People are not going to get 100% of what they want, especially if they wanted Obama not to cave on Social Security.
They're not going to get that.
Okay, yep, that's what the voters want.
They voted for less money.
That's what the voters voted for.
They hate money.
Hey, but the good news is, Frank, the good news is Obama only has 10 more days to give away Medicare.
It's almost New Year.
Well, you know what?
What he's saying is, voters, we know we're not going to get 100% of what we want.
So we have to be willing to compromise and get nothing.
Right.
And get nothing.
Exactly.
So here.
Is it because the people who are over 50 don't believe in God?
Is that the reason that they're going to treat you as a matter of fact?
Yeah, maybe.
I can't believe we kicked God out of the Capitol.
You need to invite God back into senior citizenism.
So here is Nancy Pelosi.
They asked her.
They like, isn't this a benefit cut?
And here's what she says.
Do you consider that a benefit, cut?
I don't.
I consider it a strengthening.
But that's me to hear it in.
You couldn't hear it because she said it so softly, and I have it cranked up.
She said, no, I don't.
She cleared her throat, which is a sign of benefit cut benefit cuts, huh?
It's not a benefit cut when you cut benefits.
This is more like a reduction in how much money people get.
It's two different things.
Totally.
I don't know how you could mix those things up.
This strengthens social security.
That's you hear at the end.
This is strengthening Social Security.
Okay, why aren't they making that case?
Yes, this is strengthening Social Security by keeping billions of dollars out of the hands of elderly spendthrifts.
They'd blow it on food, heating oil, pharmacy, scrap at the 99 cent store.
Yes.
Medicine.
Here's what then she says, but that's neither here nor there.
Yeah, what's important is we showed we can be flexible by giving away something we swore up and down we would never give away.
That is being flexible.
Yes.
I think it really is here and there.
Both.
So here's Dan.
So we're not done yet.
I know.
So Dan Bartlett, if you don't know who he is, he used to be in the Bush administration, right?
I don't know if he was.
That's a good sign.
And so he was on the Morning Joe.
And here's what he has to say about the fiscal cliff negotiations.
Very interesting.
If you would have said back when we were in the White House and we passed the Bush tax cuts that are the focus of all the attention, and you would have said that a second-term Democratic president was about to lock in 98% of those tax cadets, we would have been, you know, saying high fives and saying, wow, we won.
Yeah, that's a win.
But now they're such maniacs that they don't take 98% as a victory.
Right.
That's what isn't.
It's interesting that the Bush administration people were such dorks that they didn't do high fives.
They said high fives.
Is that what he said?
I missed it.
He said we'd be saying high fives.
Let me play that.
That are the focus of all the attention.
And you would have said that a second-term Democratic president was about to lock in 98% of those tax cadets.
We would have been saying high fives and saying mail Mary's.
He did say that.
That's why he was such a crappy president.
They were saying high fives.
I don't understand the difference between saying stuff and doing stuff.
I just wanted to talk about invading Iraq, and I ended up doing it.
I, uh...
Ha ha ha ha.
So Jake, so Jake Tapper.
Well, isn't that amazing?
I mean, that's just...
What he does is like, okay, I'll give you some more.
I will cut some more money from Social Secure.
We'll give some more.
Well, they're like, well, we will hold the country hostage.
It's the most ridiculous game of chicken I've ever seen.
And every Republican is freaking out because even if they vote for Boehner's Plan B, they've been told point blank they will be challenged in their primary.
Yes.
Even if they vote for a tax increase on millionaires.
Yes.
Okay, for those of you who don't know, Vince Vaughan, Vince Vaughan, the famous actor, has teamed up with Glenn Beck to produce a new reality series about something.
Well, anyway, he called in and left me a message about it.
Jimmy Dore, it's Vaughan, my friend, my champ.
Jimmy, how are you?
Look, buddy, I decided to keep you up with my new venture with Glenn Beck, founder of the Blaze TV.
By the way, you can't just say Blaze TV.
You got to see the Blaze TV.
Or Mr. Beck punches you in the throat and steals your shoes.
Anyway, I told you I would let you know how we're progressing finding the nine most awesome libertarian filmmakers in the country.
I got to tell you, Jim, I am pretty sure I have made a warbler mistake.
First of all, the Blaze TV, well, it turns out it's not the thing.
Turns out the Blaze TV makes current TV look like ESPN.
I'm fine.
It's the truth.
We've got offices where we do prayer breakfast every morning.
That's it, man.
And not even so much with the breakfast part.
And my friend, you called it on the Glenn Beckett's clinically insane thing.
Not too many details, but woke up the other night and the dude squatting over my chest, full suit died just staring at me.
Before I could even say what the fuck, he's like, shh, don't ruin it.
You're so beautiful when you sleep.
And he trank warded me.
Yeah, it turns out that's just the thing he does.
It's odd, but that's part of his pathology.
You'll be walking along at the Blaze TV and you'll see some Republican intern asleep in the hall with a dart sticking out of his neck and Beck's bitch written in sharpie across the dude's face.
I don't care for Jimmy Dore.
Oh, and did you know that the Glenn man is a Mormon man?
Because I fucking did not know that.
And it turns out the Mormons are not cool with my relentless alcoholism and womanizing.
I mean, I walked into Glenn's office the other day.
He's just standing there wearing nothing but that magical undergarment thing and it's glistening with sweat.
I'm like, hey, Becks, Becky, Becky, my friend, what are you doing?
And looks at me straight in the eye.
And it's all I'm praying for you, Brother Vincent.
That's not even my full name.
I've not had a solid bowel movement since that happened, my friend.
Two weeks.
I got to clip up my bughole the whole time just to keep them leaking out fecal terror.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, look, Jimmy, I said it called.
I'm a man of my word.
And that's the news from like Woebegone, my little Irish friend.
Okay.
So I'll call next week.
But if I don't, I just want you to know there's a good chance I'm dead and Glenn Beck did it.
And I want you to avenge me.
And I love you, Jimmy.
I'm not going to lie, Jimmy.
I love you so much.
I wish I was queer so I could face fuck you.
Picture gone.
Facial.
Bye.
Wow.
Okay.
Wow.
Vince Pawn.
Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
Because if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours asleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours asleep are worth thousands.
So my favorite, my favorite political alliteration/slash joke showed up again this week.
Representative John Garimendi, Democrat, was talking about the hard time that John Boehner is having corralling the Republicans in Congress to all come together and support a compromise.
He's having a real hard time, right?
So here's what the Representative Garamendi.
Here's how he described it to Ed Schultz.
Well, we certainly know he has a very raucous caucus here.
Oh, he's got a raucous cock.
Why isn't this guy out writing rhyming dictionaries?
Dr. Seuss.
Here he is, being he's wasting all this good material as a congressman.
He could be doing this show.
Why isn't he hosting a comedy show?
Boehner's been having a hard time with that raucous caucus, which is terrible because it's coming right on the heels of all the problems he's been having with the itty-bitty titty committee.
And also, but he was so excited that he got a Boehner voter.
Well, he starts to talk, Frank, like it sounds disgusting, right?
With the way he makes it sound.
Listen, I'll play the whole thing.
Listen, I'll explain.
Well, we certainly know he has a very raucous caucus.
Okay, that's none of my business.
All right.
Between him and his doctor.
That's between him and his doctor.
And listen how disgusting he gets about it.
He has a very divided caucus.
That's none of our business.
You should have that instead.
Because one that is causing him great angst and a lot of trouble pulling it together.
Okay, yeah.
I've had a hard time pulling together.
What he pulls is his own business.
Yes, right?
He's pulling his caucus.
Is there anointment he can get for that?
I was told if I pulled my caucus, I would go blind.
Raucous caucus.
That's the second time that's come up on this show.
Do you remember the first Raucus caucus?
It's from the Republican primary.
This is from Des Moines, Iowa.
And let's see what this guy's name is.
This is Ron Mott, NBC correspondent.
This is on the Brian Williams news.
Here he is.
The gentleman setting the chairs, how many chairs they had for this room?
This is the cafeteria.
He said about 400 chairs.
Well, in this precinct alone, they could see as many as 800 to 1,000 people here.
So we might have a raucous caucus by the time this all said and done.
Rock.
And you know that guy because he's heard better jokes on home design shows.
He's got 30 seconds on the national news with Brian Williams, so he's got to make the most out of it.
And you know, he's walking around all day.
I got to think of something, something good.
Binary primary.
Now, now, it's the raucous caucus caucus.
Fire up the satellite.
I'm telling you, Brian, I've got an election erection.
I'm telling you, Brian, I've got an election erection.
So here's Jake Tapper.
I don't know if you know Jake Tapper.
We've had him on the show before.
We featured his work.
We featured Jake Tapper's work on this show and on the Young Turk show, right?
He's an idiot.
Yes, indeed.
Well, he just got hired by CNN.
He's going to do a daily show for CNN at 4 p.m.
Did you know that?
Oh, I didn't know that.
Is that breaking news?
Yes, that's breaking news on the Jimmy Door show.
And so here's Jake Tapper.
He asks a question about Barack Obama about guns.
Okay.
Here's his question about guns.
I should have put this in the other segment, but it got a little disjointed.
I apologize.
Okay.
This is not the first issue, the first incident in correlated gun violence of your four years.
Where have you been?
So I don't know if you heard.
He said, this is not the first incidence of gun violence in your first four years as president.
Where have you been?
And I don't know, maybe he was waiting for someone to self-righteously, obnoxiously, and sanctimoniously ask him that question.
So I would assume Jake Tapper is asking every congressman and senator in the pocket of the NRA what would have happened if President Obama had actually tried to push gun legislation.
Are you asking that question, Jake Tapper?
And I assume he's using that same sanctimonious tone he just used was the most powerful man in the world.
Here's Barack Obama's response to Jake Tapper.
Well, here's where I've been, Jake.
I've been president of the United States dealing with the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.
An auto industry on the verge of collapse.
Two wars.
I don't think I've been on vacation.
And notice how Obama masterfully controlled his response and didn't say ass.
I don't know what he means.
I'm always surprised when somebody on TV says we're going to throw to Jake Tapper at the White House.
And then when they show him, he's not wearing Ed Hardy clothes.
It always surprises me.
You know, I always like to tell Jake Tapper there's a difference between speaking truth to power and being a dick.
Exactly.
There's a big difference.
And by the way, do you know who publicly said he loved this clip?
Rush Limbaugh.
Yes.
Oh.
So way to go, Jake Tapper.
You just won the Rush Limbaugh Good Journalism Award.
Right.
So is he doing.
I can't wait.
I'm very excited about the CNN news because usually at about 4 p.m. is when I'm in the mood for some conventional wisdom.
Gil Toast Way.
So I'm really looking forward to his show.
Do you know that Jake Tapper is the senior White House correspondent for ABC News?
You got to assume that that junior correspondent is a real dip, right?
The junior correspondent was actually mentored by Luke Rutherford.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So Barack Obama, Time Magazine, named Barack Obama their man of the year again.
And so he left me a voicemail message kind of talking about it.
Here's the President of the United States on my answering machine.
There is a saying on your horsemail, motherfucker.
And what?
I've been in Time Magazine's Man of the Year.
This was totally unexpected.
Yeah.
Like, who the fuck else was it going to be, Tom magazine?
You ziggy motherfuckers of a dying medium.
What were you going to pull that put a mirror on the cover bullshit again?
Of course it was me.
You know what would have been funny?
If you had ironically made it romantic, it's like the most blank stare photo of him on the cover staring out like, oh, what happened?
So, anyways, thanks, Time Magazine.
I'll put this honor next to my world's greatest dad coffee cup and my Nobel fucking peace prize.
And do you know what is a crying fucking shame, Jimmy?
I'm about to really fuck up Medicare and Social Security and all kinds of other shit just to get some taxes we should have had all along.
I mean, can you believe that?
And I'm going to cave like a punched hooker.
Because I got to be honest, I don't want to spend another second with Boehner if I don't have to.
The other day he goes, Mr. President, like he wants to say something.
And he stone face lock sides with me and lets out this long, long, high-pitched fart.
He either knew he was doing it or he didn't know he was doing it.
Either way, I want out, man.
So, I'm going to cave.
Only attacks on millionaires?
Sure, fine.
I'm done.
And you know what?
Even with that, they'd still have to make me man of the air.
Because you know what?
If Crazy Pants Romney was president by now, your fucking parents would be living with you and Halliburton would be building a Death Star.
My friend, it is a world of evil and mediocre men.
And I am man of the year through total adequacy.
And I will take it.
Because damaged good as though it may be, it feels good to be the president.
I got a house and a car and a plane and a helicopter.
And when Michelle looks at me, she is awestruck and moist.
And that ain't bad.
Am I right?
And you know what, Jimmy?
You were on the presidential Christmas gift list this year.
So any day, you can expect two snuggies with a presidential seal and a deluxe Chia Obama.
Little secret, Jimmy.
Get under that snug with your lady friend.
And that is the greatest Yule Todd HJ you will ever have, buddy.
Or those Kwanzaa gifts.
Now I'm just fucking with you.
Kwanzaa ain't a real thing, trust me.
I'm black, and Kwanzaa is fully pretend.
Jimmy, I gotta go.
Bader's in the building, and if I don't get myself locked in the situation room, he just appears wherever I happen to be.
Oh, my God.
I forgot where I think it's right behind me right now.
All right.
Okay, that was the inimitable Mike McRae, Mike McRae doing all the voices on today's show, except for God, which was played by TV's Frank Frank Conniff.
All right.
Big thanks to everybody who helped write the show today.
Mark Van Landewitt, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yasimura, Steph Samurano.
And thank you for helping support the show.
Happy holidays.
Thanks for using our Amazon.com box.
Thanks for coming to see the show on January 5th at the improv in Hollywood.
Oh boy, thanks for listening to this show.
Gives me a reason to live.
Okay.
And right now, Rhodes said, we're going to say goodbye.
Hope you have happy holidays.
And here's my new favorite holiday song.
���� This Christmas, I'm staying in bed.
I haven't had a good sleep in a while.
And I think this Christmas is what it will take to make up all those hours I've lost doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
For if you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
If you sleep on Christmas, those hours of sleep are worth thousands.
I never have time because the days are so short.
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