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April 13, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Over this past weekend, we marked the passing of CBS newsman Mike Wallace.
It was truly the end of an era when television news relied on something now quaint and out of date.
News.
60 Minutes was a top-rated show for decades, but it had a fatal flaw.
The show expected its audience to be smart and want to learn about something.
Hey, that's why we have PBS, and they're always broke.
Since Mike Wallace left TV, his accomplishments have become irrelevant.
We all used to watch him interview bad guys and root for him to find the truth, especially when it was somebody we really hated like Ayatollah Khomeini or Barbara Streisand.
Now we're all rooting for ourselves.
Everybody's opinion cancels out everybody else's opinion, which requires increasing levels of cruelty.
To prove this, you only have to go on YouTube, pick any clip, and read the fourth person's comment.
The fourth commenter always viciously attacks the third commenter because the fourth commenter is always a jerk.
Then a newcomer, the fifth person, will try to find common ground amongst everyone.
And for this, the sixth person will impugn his sexuality.
Mainstream journalism used to spend a lot of time investigating corruption, but that's all over now because all the good money is in corruption.
So we shall not see another Mike Wallace again.
And even if we do, he'll be interviewing Jennifer Lawrence about the Hunger Games.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Thut-minded, low-libered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk on your TV alley.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio, former writer for The Daily Show and hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy.
Good to see you, buddy.
Thanks for showing up.
And next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com coming to a city near you.
It's Frank Connop.
Hi, Frank.
How you doing?
Hello, Dere.
Okay.
Why does that make us laugh every time?
It makes us laugh.
Because it's so unfrank.
No, if you knew me, you know that Alan and Rossi references are very frank.
That's what that is.
Okay, next to him, a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
Hey, Robert, how are you, buddy?
I'm great.
And evidently, my humor wasn't born in the 30s.
What?
Q and Rossi?
Alan and Rossi, and it's the 60s, the Ed Sullivan show.
Oh, God, Frank.
Next to Robert, host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen the best podcast in the world by The Onion.
It's Paul Hill Martin.
Top 10 of 2011.
It was pretty close.
I had it.
All right.
What's coming?
Hey, so a lot of breaking news as we're going to record today.
George Zimmerman.
Friend of the show.
George Zimmerman, friend of the show.
Hey, before you judge George Zimmerman, walk a mile in his shoes and shoot an unarmed teenager.
Okay, now, and you know, Mike Wallace, we had to say goodbye to Mike Wallace, and now finally, he can start turning in his grave over the state of modern journalism.
Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, who made sex issues and contraception an issue during his campaign, ironically has aborted his presidential for today.
All right, what's coming up on today's show?
We got phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.
Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk tank shows up.
Yay!
And Rick Santorum sweater vest calls in to talk about the end of the campaign.
Plus, we're going to take on religion, Mormon bashing, Catholic bashing, and Barack Obama Muslim bashing is coming up on today's show.
Plus, we're going to check in with Dick Durbin and hey, David Gregory, who's still hosting that show.
We're going to look at what a bad job he does.
Plus, Paul Ryan, his real ideology.
That's all today on the Jimmy Dore show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
This week's, Oh My God, it's jam-packed.
We're going to start off the Connecticut senatorial race.
There's a young lady named Lee Whitnam, and she's very much against AIPAC, right?
And the Israeli lobby here in the United States.
And she was at a, she was really upset with one of her opponents.
They were at a debate, and she referred, she called him a name that you're not supposed to call a woman, but she called a guy it.
And here, let's listen.
She's really upset that he sells out to the APEC lobby.
This is documented fact.
The neoconservative role in the taking down of Iraq unnecessary war is fact.
It's not opinion.
I'm dealing with poor here who sells his soul to IPAC.
Okay, let's play.
Let me play this.
You're dealing with whore.
I think that's what she is.
It's not opinion.
I'm dealing with poor here who sells his soul to AIPAC.
I didn't know you could say whore without an article in front of it.
Not the or a.
Just I'm dealing with whore here.
Whore here is a sitcom coming out this bad box.
Zoe Deshanelle plays a quirky whore.
And penned by Whitney Cummings.
Yes, sure.
That's Lee Whitnam.
She's running for Senate in Connecticut.
He refers to her as a whore, as her opponents as a whore.
Okay, so now let's.
You know what the commentator said when that happened?
He just went.
I don't get that joke, but Caddy.
Oh, Caddy.
Oh, I get you.
Okay, Frank.
So, all right, let's move on.
So that was our friend from Connecticut.
Now we're going to move on to Sandy Rios.
Maybe you've heard Sandy Rios on this show before.
She hosts a show for the Family Research Council or something, like a radio show.
They do find it.
I'm looking forward.
She's one of those people, and she found out who the real victim is.
Sure, it's bad for blacks in America, especially in light of the Trayvon thing, and that they, but she figured out who's really now.
I know that it's true.
I knew that black men are singled out, and it is horrific.
And I know that blacks have suffered tremendous racism, but I think there's a now it's getting to be where many whites are feeling more the victim now with the press going the way that it is.
Yeah, sure.
So thank God I thought I was the victim.
I wasn't sure, but thank God for Sandy Rios.
What she's saying is accurate.
They are feeling the victim.
They're just not.
Right.
Man, that's the entire Fox News.
All day long you hear about white people being the victims.
Yes, yes.
And the incessant race baiting.
My good friend Tim from high school.
That's the beauty of Facebook.
I've mentioned this before, is that you get to reconnect with your old friends from high school who you stopped caring about a long time ago.
And so my friend Tim is now a captain in the Chicago Police Department.
He's one of those, and then on his Facebook status, he's one of those guys.
Hey, what do the Occupy Wall Street people even want?
I'm like, oh, wow, really, Tim?
Turns out you're a shitty detective.
And so he posted, he's one of those, oh, some thugs, some black guys who committed a crime and killed a kid.
And they're like, oh, this looks like Obama's kid, too.
These look all that stuff.
He's a cop.
And then, yes, and there's the, I don't know if you've seen the videotape from Baltimore.
There were some thugs who beat up a tourist, and it was on video in Baltimore, and they stole his watch, took his phone, and his wallet.
And so he was pawning, like, here, you know, here's some at St. Patrick's Day, so I guess it's Jacka Whitey Day or something.
You know, this is what he put on his.
And I was like, hey, thanks for this video.
It looks like those guys stole over $200 from him.
Do you have any videotape of Jamie Dimon taking $300,000 out of the equity of my house?
You don't have that tape?
Oh, no.
I mean, this videotape is fun to look at, and it really is a nice distraction from the real horrors that are happening in America right now.
Because Jamie Dimon makes these punks look like Boy Scouts.
Okay, so if even that.
Yeah.
So that's the beauty of Facebook, and I wanted to get that off my chest.
And I did it in the Oh My God segment.
So here's the final, oh my God, Alan West, the congressman from Florida.
You know Alan West.
We've had him on this show before, Alan West.
Did you play Batman or Robin this morning?
In his mind, both.
Yes.
Yes, Robert.
Lieutenant Colonel.
Lieutenant Colonel, kicked out of the military for war crimes.
And seriously?
Yeah, he wasn't prosecuted, but he was interrogating an Iraqi, put a gun right next to him, not at him, but right next to him, and pulled the trigger.
And someone went, you know, you shouldn't.
You're a lieutenant colonel.
You can't do that.
Yeah, you're not supposed to do that.
He got asked to leave.
Yes, he was asked to leave the military.
So he left the military.
So here he is, and he's at a town hall.
And somebody asks him a question.
And let's just see if you can.
It's kind of hard to hear because he doesn't have a microphone.
But if you can't hear it, I'll repeat it.
Okay, so he asks, what percentage of the American legislature do you think are card-carrying Marxists?
This is a question.
Really?
In 2012?
That's a question.
Wait for it.
Here we go, Ray.
Corporate Password is about 78 to 81 members of Democratic Party Common Party.
So I don't know if you heard the number.
He said, I believe it's 78, 281 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party.
He just said that.
2012, he said it yesterday.
You could almost hear him asking Angela Lansberry, what's the number?
This is 2012.
I don't, you know, I didn't bother to write a joke for it.
I thought it would be good enough.
Wow.
Sits and others are black Joe McCarthy now.
Yes.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Black Joe McCarthy.
Like it's based in fact, he threw out the 78 to 81, not just saying, you know, my gut tells me.
Yeah, yeah, to make it sound like it's like that, like there's like there's been some research into it.
Oh, I can't remember the number I saw in the study, but I think it was 78, 78 to 81.
Somebody should have said, who are the three you're not sure about?
You sure it isn't 57, like Heinz 57?
You sure it is it like that?
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Okay, so Rick Santorum today, crazy, crazy Christian.
He's got his mind on everybody's penis and a-holes except his own.
And he dropped out today.
And I'm going to miss him.
I'm going to miss his wife, who looks Amish, even though she's not.
I'm going to miss his daughter, who's 20-some years old, standing behind him at every press conference with that earnest look on her face.
Sure.
I've never seen someone smile like that upside-down smile.
It's the mmm.
So, you know what?
To me, when I see that expression, all I hear is, help me.
Help me.
I was not privy to this information, Jimmy.
So what you're telling me is Rick Santorum has dropped out of his campaign to be president of these 13 colonies.
Very nice, Paul.
Well, you know, I guess the question then is: are Santorum's supporters going to turn around and now follow Romney?
And I don't know if that maneuver is possible on paddle boat.
Oh, Paul, nice.
Another, another history.
Nice horse, Joe.
I'm just saying Santorum is not up to date.
Out of touch.
He's a little out of touch with modern people.
Well, actually, right after he announced he was dropping out, he got in his time machine and returned to the 19th century.
You know what?
We actually got a phone call from Rick Santorum's sweater vest.
Really?
Interesting.
Jimmy Door.
Hi, it's me.
Rick Santorum sweater vest.
Well, Rick dropped out of the presidential race, and I'm really, really depressed.
I thought about committing suicide by splitting my wrists, but I don't have any sleeves, so I don't have any wrists.
He sucks right now.
I doubt if I'll ever get a chance to be in the spotlight again.
Sweater vests almost never become celebrities.
A leather jacket has a chance to end up on a cool movie star.
A blazer can be worn by a famous sportscaster.
A torn t-shirt can achieve notoriety on a punk rocker.
But a sweater vest can only find fame if it's worn by a well-known dweeb.
And a completely dorky douchebag like Rick Santorum only comes along once in a generation.
I'm really going to miss the excitement of the campaign.
I got to meet some other famous garments.
One night a pair of Chris Christie's pants regaled me with great stories about when I used to be a circus tent.
Chris Christie, in case you didn't know, is a large man.
And I had coffee with an evening gown that was on its way to the Bachmann household.
From what I hear, Marcus looked ravishing in it.
And I get hit on by Governor Romney's magic Mormon underpants.
Although I have to say, the magic wasn't really happening for me that night.
Wasn't all fun.
Rick Santorum can be kind of weird sometimes.
Like, for instance, every night his daughters aren't allowed to have dinner until they've had a transvaginal ultrasound.
And when Rick prayed, he said disturbing stuff like, dear God, hear my prayer.
I lost another primary.
Quit being such a dick.
I love being famous.
Jimmy, can you hook me up with an agent in Hollywood?
I really think I could make it as a character actor.
Of course, I'm very castable as a sweater vest, but also versatile.
I can play a piece of blint if that's what's called for.
Hey, maybe I could be in a Wes Anderson film, and Owen Wilson could wear me ironically.
Can you introduce me to the showbiz powers at B, Jimmy?
It shouldn't be too hard to get a vest meeting with a suit.
Okay.
Jimmy, let me know if you want to do lunch or better yet, if you want to do laundry.
I'll bring the wool eye.
Bye-bye.
Okay, Rick Santorum, sweater vest, letting us know.
He's a little depressed, you can tell.
Can't even slit his own wrists.
Okay.
So let's talk about, we're going to talk about religion today.
And they had a big religion segment, meeting the Preet de Press With David Gregory, he brought on Billy Graham's daughter, right?
Oh, good.
Right, because I was trying to think of, well, I guess they couldn't get Pat Robertson's maid, so they got Billy Graham's daughter.
And she had this to say about what she looks for in a presidential candidate.
The thing that I think is so important, the Bible says that the beginning of wisdom is fear of God.
And I believe one of the greatest lacks in our nation today is that genuine fear, reverence for an almighty God.
And that's where wisdom begins.
So we have a lot of knowledge, and you can go on Google and you can pull up all sorts of stuff.
But to know how to use the knowledge in a way that benefits the majority of people in this future, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, first you have to get really scared before you.
Fear-based decisions are always the most rational general.
That's how we go to war.
Yeah, I mean, if there's one thing I've learned in the last 10 years is that some of the best thinking occurs when you approach problems from a position of fear, right?
It's that they've elevated fear to be a virtue.
Now, they now attribute it to great leader.
Hey, look at that guy over there.
What a good leader he is.
Which guy?
The guy shitting his pants.
Oh, he's got what God likes in a leader, that guy.
Does she have any other qualifications besides that she's Billy Graham's daughter?
No, she has zero qualifications.
Oh, yes, she does.
She just won a trophy for sounding like a man.
I don't know.
By the way, if you see her, she looks like an elven queen.
She's like extraordinarily pale and white-haired and thin and angular.
And it's really, you expect her to do magic at any moment.
Oh, yeah, if you could see the video of this, she's a generic southern lady, though.
You know what I mean?
Well, I don't mind that she's, you know, I mean, she has a freedom of speech, so she has the right to be on TV, but I just think it would be appropriate to say afterwards, okay, now we've heard from the crazy lady.
What do you have to say?
Why can't you say reverence for God?
Why does it have to be fear of God?
Fear of God himself.
That's like, isn't that a basic tenant of Christianity that you're supposed to have a fear of God?
I think that's very Old Testament kind of thing.
It's Old Testament rhetoric.
It's like real preacher rhetoric.
It's not.
It's just gross.
Yeah, it is pretty gross.
Yeah, she has fear as the base.
She even has a little bit more to say.
Hang on.
This country, that's what I look for in a president.
I want my leader to have a fear and a respect and a reverence.
She can't stop saying it.
She says fear like four times in 15 seconds.
Fear for, yeah, my father, Billy Graham, he was good friends with Richard Nixon, who feared both God and the satanic Jews who run the media.
Yeah, you know, because when you start talking religious zealots in the Bible Belt, I'm always thinking, raise your sharp intellect.
That's where it all comes from.
You know, knowledge is all fine and good, but when mankind stopped slaughtering non-believers and started reading books, we really lost something special.
I really think that.
Yeah, so that's what she looks for in a president, somebody who's just afraid of God.
And if he's a right-wing, pro-life, pro-gun, tax-cutting Republican who hates unions, that would be perfect, too.
I happened to watch Rick Santorum's speech the other day when he said he was dropping out of the race.
And immediately, I was watching MSNBC, and immediately afterwards, Tamron Hall had David Gregory on to give instant analysis.
And he, you know, and he was praising Rick Santorum and saying, you know, he was a strong, he was a very strong pro-family candidate.
As long as it's not a gay family.
Right.
It's like, it's, you know, the way someone in the media like David Gregory frames things, oh, he was pro-family.
You could also say he was pro-bigotry.
Yes.
You know, and that would be, in my opinion, a more accurate thing to say about Rick Santorum.
And, you know, they just let these crazy people get away with.
You know, it's that old thing about, you know, I have some relatives, nieces and nephews.
I have a huge family, like 60 nieces and nephews.
And a bunch of them are religious.
And so two of the more religious ones were coming around.
And we were at a barbecue, and my dad's, you know, I was making some jokes about Catholics or whatever.
A good place for you to do that, Jim.
Well, it's my family.
So they're coming around the corner, and my dad goes, oh, here comes, you know, Karen and Bob.
And hey, cool it with the religion joke.
They're really religious.
Like, I'm like, well, why don't they cool it with their religious stuff around me?
Because I'm really atheist.
How come I have to, why do they get to be more vulnerable, sensitive than me just because they're religious?
I don't understand.
That's what this is about Rick Santorum.
When he professes to be religious, then you have to, you just have to, like, he's somehow a better person.
He's pro-family.
Who isn't pro-family?
Who isn't pro-family?
Well, Newt Gingrich is considered pro-family because he's had many of them.
And Obama, who has this great, you know, marriage and two kids, and nobody, they don't talk about him being pro-family.
No, how could he possibly be pro-family?
He only has one of them.
He only has one family.
He's not a professional family starter like Newt Gingrich.
Pro-families, you're trying to restrict people from actually having.
Well, no.
Okay.
Pro-family, yeah, it doesn't make any sense because it's like, like, Obama has a family, but nobody gives him any credit for it.
He didn't, you know, he didn't screw up his life or anything.
He didn't have 12 marriages.
It doesn't make any sense why you're more for the family because you won't let people have the freedom to do what they want.
Like, why is that more pro-family if you're against their arrangement?
It's really pro-limited version of what family means to you.
I think you guys are missing because what he means when he says pro-family is professional family.
Guys who've made a profession out of being family men.
He's not talking about people who are for families.
He's just talking about.
And you know, the ultimate they've gone pro.
You know, the Clintons were reviled by everybody.
And in a way, they're like kind of the ultimate pro-family because their marriage survived all of their, which is what it's supposed to be.
You know, when Newt Gingrich cheated on his, you know, he left his wife, you know, a couple times.
Yeah.
You know, Bill Clinton certainly had his, you know, dalliances and infidelities.
But their marriage, but they stayed married and they survived it.
So and that's that's more of a of an example of what you're supposed to do.
But they never give them credit for you.
No, Bill Clinton will never be seen as the family man, even though he stayed married longer than Al Gore.
Yeah, exactly.
Longer than Alan Tipper Gore, Tipper Gore, who said it was rock and roll that's going to ruin our family.
Remember, she was rock and roll is going to ruin our family.
It turns out it wasn't.
Turns out, just you.
Just you guys ruined our family.
It's actually a jazz fusion that broke our family.
Okay, so here's Mitt Romney talking about the president.
Now, because he's got a big religion problem, right?
You know, the president has a religious problem.
I'm not the president.
I'm talking Mitt Romney does.
Which he's failed to address.
Has he thought of updating his religionship?
So Mitt Romney, he has a religion problem.
And here's Rick Warren.
You know, Rick Warren from the out.
He's the guy who wants everybody to not live off the government.
And he always brags about how much charity work the church does, and you don't need government to do it for you.
And I'm like, sure, well, Then why don't you start paying taxes like the rest of everybody if you don't need a special handout from the government?
You wrote that book, the douchebag-driven line?
Yes.
Outsell the Bible.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
It really did.
Okay.
Mitt has a religion problem.
Has he tried updating the firmware on his religionship?
Okay, so here.
So here is his problem with the Mitt Romney.
Are Mormons Christians?
Well, the key sticking point for evangelicals, and actually for many, is the issue of the Trinity.
That's the historic doctrine of the church, that God is three in one.
Not three gods, one God in Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Mormonism denies that.
That's a sticking point for a lot of Catholic Christians, evangelical Christians, Pentecostal Christians, because they don't believe that.
Now, they'll use the same terminology, but they don't believe in the historic doctrine of the Trinity.
And people have tried to make it other issues, but that's really one of the fundamental differences.
Yeah, so the problem wouldn't be that it was started by a crazy guy 150 years ago because he got caught cheating on his wife, or the fact that they wouldn't let blacks become members until 1978.
It wasn't any of those problems, or the fact that they can have multiple wives.
None of that stuff is a problem.
It's this hocus-pocus voodoo that he doesn't believe in.
That's the three-in-one, and you don't get it, and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, that's the point.
Most Christians have that subtle an understanding of the differences between Christianity.
Yes, they're all scholars, and that's their problem with Mormonism.
That guy is giving more credit to the stupidest people on the planet than is possible.
So he thinks that Mormons don't believe in the solid foundation of the ghost that real Christians.
Girls.
Okay, you know what?
Actually, we have a lot more to do on this.
But before we take, we're up against a break.
Before we get to that, I want to.
Bill O'Reilly called in, and he had something to say about Mitt Romney's religion.
Jimmy Dore, Spill O'Reilly.
Hey, stop ragging on Mitt Romney's religion, okay?
He has every right to be a Mormon.
Yeah, I know it's a weird, creepy cult, but the Bible tells us that we should respect the beliefs of any man who can take the presidency away from Barack Obama.
That's right.
It's Holy Scripture, Jagoff.
Look, spiritually speaking, I'm a more traditional guy than Romney.
I'm a Roman Catholic, which has celibate priests, nuns married to God, cardinals and bishops walking around in medieval robes while they espouse a theology based on a virgin birth and a talking snake.
But not all religions are as sane and rational as that.
So we've got to cut Romney some slack for his cuckoo for Coco Puffs thing.
Hey, Jimmy, why don't you, when you lose a liberal podcast, pinhead friends, stop giving Mitt such a hard time for strapping his dog to the roof of his car?
I didn't hear any of you raise a fuss when Uncle Jed, Ellie Mae, and Jethro strapped Granny Clampett in her rocking chair to the roof of their truck when they drove to California.
No, they lived in Beverly Hills, and everything that happens there is just fine with you elitist snobs.
We doggy, that makes me mad.
And speaking of wee doggies, I put my dog on the roofs of so many of my cars that I named them roofies.
And I'll tell you something.
Women are supposed to be such sensitive animal lovers, but all my female segment producers are selfish and refuse to look after my dog for me.
Whenever I say I want to give them roofies for the weekend, they flinch in horror and call up human resources.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Look, Mitt was lifting up his dog the same way he wants to lift up our economy.
He wants to take the poor and the middle class and strap them to the roof of the luxury car that is America.
Then the lower classes will finally be on top, just like Mitt's dog, cold and frightened with bugs, dirt, and oil fumes hitting their faces at 70 miles an hour, while our Twitch guys are safely seated in the climate-controlled comfort of the car, enjoying the spectacular scenery made even more beautiful by the Keystone pipeline.
Well, that's it for me.
I'm out of here.
Go to hell, Jimmy.
Okay.
Let's play this because we have a few minutes.
So I wanted to play this.
So here, that was Mitt Romney giving it to Barack Obama about trying to start a new religion, trying to undermine his religious credentials.
And here, somebody was asking Mitt Romney about Mormonism, and because Mormonism teaches that blacks and whites shouldn't be together and have a baby.
And so somebody tried to ask him, and they cut him off immediately.
And Mitt Romney said this.
I'm sorry, we're just not going to have a discussion about religion, in my view, but I could, if you have a question, I'll be happy to answer your question.
So he's not going to talk about religion, but he'll just do everything he can to disparage Barack Obama's religion.
So then the guy asked the question.
I guess my question is, do you believe it's a sin for a white man to marry and appropriate with a black?
No.
Next question.
Okay.
So you really got a handle on it, Mick.
You didn't seem defensive or overreacting at all.
He really doesn't seem like you have anything to hide.
That's a really good way to get rid of it.
No, next question.
Let's go.
Nothing there.
Nothing to see here.
Move along, folks.
Show's over.
Okay, and this is the Jimmy Dore show on Pacifico.
Hello, podcast listeners.
How are you?
Listen, I'm at the Portland Comedy or the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland this weekend.
And we're doing Left, Right, and Ridiculous this Saturday, 6 p.m. at the Mount Tabor Theater.
So if you're at that festival, you know somebody in Portland, let them know.
Our special guest will be Janine Garofilo on Left, Right, and Ridiculous this Saturday.
Okay, so also we're doing the show Left, Right, Ridiculous, April 26th and 27th at the 27th and 28th, maybe.
Yeah, that's it.
April 27th and 28th at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas.
Yes, Austin, Texas.
So that's April 27th and 28th.
We have a lot of special guests lined up for that.
Can't confirm them yet, but we will.
So I hope we're going to try and be recording both of those shows and make them available to you guys.
So we'll see how that goes.
Fingers crossed.
See you guys in Portland and in Austin.
And of course, you know that this show is made possible by the support of our listeners.
I want to thank everybody who took advantage of our Sherry's Berry's promotion for Easter.
Thank you very much.
And thanks to everybody who takes advantage of the Amazon.com link over at jimmydoorcompany.com.
It's the easiest way to support the show because it doesn't cost you any money.
I've told you how to do it before.
I'll tell you one more time.
You go to jimmydoorcompany.com, you click on the link for amazon.com, which is right on the right-hand side of the page.
It takes you to amazon.com.
You do your shopping, just like you normally do.
It doesn't cost you any money.
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The second half of the show includes Rip Torrance's Hollywood Drunk Take.
We're all excited.
Okay, now let's get back to the show.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I am joyed in studio.
Former writer from The Daily Show and hilarious comedian Steve Rosenfield is with us from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff from Team Yasamura.
Hilarious comedian Robert Yasamura is here and the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, Paul Gilmartin, is here with us.
And we're talking about religion in the presidential campaign, specifically as directed towards Mitt Romney.
We're talking about Mitt Romney's hypocrisy about the religion issue because he's upset when people pick on his religion.
Except he gets to say stuff like this all the time about Barack Obama.
Well, I think I think there is in this country a war on religion.
I think there is a desire to establish a religion in America known as secularism.
And I know that based upon reports, the Obama administration gave this a lot of thought.
A lot of discussion.
Yeah, so Barack Obama wants to start even a newer religion than Mormonism.
And so then Lawrence O'Donnell decided to say, hey, I'm just going to tell you, we'll break down what Mormonism really is.
And here's what Mormonism was created by a guy in upstate New York in 1830 when he got caught having sex with the maid and explained to his wife that God told him to do it.
48 wives later.
Joseph Smith's lifestyle was completely sanctified in the religion that he invented to go with it.
Which Mitt Romney says he believes.
So Mitt Romney is not content with attacking the president's religious beliefs.
Romney must accuse the president of trying to create a new religion, a religion newer than Mitt Romney.
And Mitt Romney's, and that's Lawrence O'Donnell.
So Lawrence O'Donnell breaks it down perfectly.
And then here is Hardon Mormon, congressional guy.
I forget his name, not important for the joke.
He was on Meet the Press's religion panel.
And so here's what he had to say.
He was pretty upset about Lawrence O'Donnell doing that.
Look at your own network.
MSNBC, you have Lawrence O'Donnell.
It's just saying some really nasty things about the Mormon religion.
Just because they happen to be accurate doesn't mean they still aren't nasty.
The history of the Mormon religion is nasty.
You're taking the adultery and the 48 wives out of context.
Hey, he only had 47 wives.
That's the kind of attacking we don't need in this campaign.
He's got more to say.
About the founding of our religion, that it was based on some guy just waking up some morning and deciding that he wanted that he had an extramarital affair and that that's how the religion was founded.
Like he couldn't even say it because it's like, hey, wait a minute, that is how it happened.
Like as he's saying it, he's going, just like he woke up one day and said that God talked to the basic genius of Mormonism is that they ended the very idea of an extramarital affair.
Yes.
Because you just get married to everybody.
God wants you to be married.
If you're married to 48 women, it's hard to have an extramarital affair because then that'll be wife number 49.
Yeah, no, I was married to that one.
That's all you have to say.
She's my fiancé.
Come on.
Come on.
I just said, yeah, I just proposed to her.
Sure, her name escapes me.
I was just fooling around.
That's all it was.
Just fooling around.
So Mitt's problem, that guy, that congressman is pretending that it's the media is going to come after his Mormonism.
But it's the other Republicans and Christians who have been coming at him.
We already showed Rick Warren from Saddle Hack Ranch.
And here's everybody's favorite Christian, Kirk Cameron, telling you what's wrong with Mormonism.
The Bible clearly warns against preaching another Jesus and that Satan himself can appear to us as an angel of light.
Remember what Joseph Smith said?
He said it was an angel clothed in light that gave him another Testament.
According to the Bible, it is crucial that we have the true Jesus and the true gospel.
Unfortunately, some Mormons don't read their Bibles, but the ones who do have been taught to filter what they read through the rest of the Mormon books.
So by the time the words get to their brain, they can mean something entirely different than their intended meaning.
If you've ever spoken to a Mormon, sometimes you know how frustrating it can be when they use the same words you do, but they mean something different and you're not sure how to finish the conversation.
Oh, I heard that.
I would love to see Kirk Cameron get frustrated with someone who's crazier religious than him.
That would be amazing.
Oh, I'm so frustrated that you don't get the hocus pocus correct.
You know, he had a very deep theological discussion with Skippy from Family Todd.
That was very intriguing.
There's a little bit more to this.
Hold on.
Well, we found that it's good to leave them with a clear distinction.
Tell them, if the Mormon religion is right and I'm wrong, then I go to the third heaven.
But if the Bible is right and the LDS church is wrong, then you are following a false Jesus and you'll end up in hell forever.
And I'm guessing that if you're in hell forever, you're going to be watching a lot of growing pains emphasizing.
You know, people talk about the tragedies of child acting.
I'm going to put Kirk Cameron as the most tragic.
Don't you think that they're trying to, so all these crazy Christians are trying to expose Mitt Romney's religion for being ridiculous.
But doesn't the discussion of why it's ridiculous just expose them for being just as ridiculous?
Yes, yes.
Well, his religion's wrong because, see, the Trinity and the three people, and then God said that someone's going to, the demon will appear to you in light, and then there'll be some hocus pocus and some fairy dust, and then you'll come back into the third heaven, and then there's going to be, it's like, you guys are all crazy.
Yeah.
This is all crazy.
And you know what?
If we're supposed to see what Mitt Romney would be like as a leader in, you know, he's saying there's a war on religion.
Right.
And his response as the commander in chief is he never talks about his Mormonism ever.
Right.
You know, he like, he never talks about it.
No.
And he, he, you know, it's.
Well, because that doesn't make him any money.
Well, also, he knows that it's a liability.
So he's talking about how deep, you know, his belief in religion is, and yet he never talks about it.
And I read one commentator that said that maybe if he, if Mitt really does believe in this religion, and maybe if he talked honestly about it, he might come off as more of a real person than he does.
He knows.
Yes, but no, he always comes off as a used car salesman.
He always comes off as a guy who's trying to sell you something that he doesn't believe in.
Right.
That's how he always comes off.
And that's what you had written.
Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't believe.
He knows what he's saying is wrong.
He knows what he's saying is incredibly irresponsible.
To claim that secularism in the public sector is a problem for religious people, he knows is exactly the opposite of the truth, which is secularism as a matter of public policy is what protects a plurality of religion.
Without that secularism, we would not have Mormonism.
Right.
See, you're saying a secular government actually protects religion because there's so many different religions.
If you let one religion take over, which they want to have Christianity take over, you heard that we played it two weeks ago on this show.
Rick Santorum's Louisiana pastor wants you to, if you're a Mormon, if you're a Buddhist, if you're a Muslim, if you practice Hinduism, he wants you to get out of America.
That's what you're saying, that's where secularism protects religion.
And Mitt Romney is pretending he doesn't understand that.
Right, and he does.
He's not a stupid guy.
He's taking a civics lesson.
And the basic tenet of a lot of what these right-wing conservative Republicans say is that the problem with America is we won't admit that we are a Christian nation, that we were founded on Christianity.
Yes.
And Rick Santorum blatantly said, you know, the separation of church and state is not absolute.
Yes.
Yeah.
And well, it makes him throw up.
Yeah, it does.
When Kennedy talked about it, it makes him want to throw up.
Yeah.
So, you know what?
We actually talked to, I actually had a conversation with Mitt Romney, and I wanted to ask him why, you know, is it okay for him to disparage the president's religion?
But whenever someone asks him a question, he's like, I'm not going to talk about religion.
So here we called him up, and here's what he had to say.
Hey, I'm talking with Mitt Romney.
Mitt.
Hello.
Good to hear from you, buddy.
I'm excited.
This is a good week for me.
Listen, we're talking about religion.
I noticed you got a couple of religion questions, and you didn't want to answer them.
You thought it was kind of rude.
Oh, I don't care for that.
That's over the line.
That's none of anyone's business.
But then I have noticed that it's okay for you and the Republicans to question Barack Obama's religion at every turn.
Right?
So, I mean, don't you believe he's a Christian?
Well, I. Wait, hold on just a second.
Hey, wait, what am I supposed to say?
What do we say again?
He said that you take the president at his word that he's a Christian, and then you can say anything you want after that.
Yes, Jimmy.
I take the president at his word.
What he says, he's a Christian, but I still don't care for the fact that he worships Allah.
He doesn't worship Allah.
He's a Christian.
The president says he's a Christian, and I take the president at his word.
But he's the one that pals around with the Muslim Brotherhood and gives all of our tax money to black people.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about how I totally can completely take the president at his word.
But he's still a godless terrorist from Kenya who kills babies and drinks their blood with Sololinsky.
I think that one's going to come back to bite you in the end.
Oh, golly gee William Chris.
I think I just made another gaffe, Jimmy.
There you go.
Well, I got to go deal with this.
Say hi to Porky Pig for me.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC FADES Oh, don't you like that outro music?
I know I do.
That's in my garage band as a comedy outro.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, gotta stop it.
Okay, there we go.
So, by the way, I was watching Meet the Press, or I like to call it Press the Meet.
And I don't know if you know, but David Gregory actually still hosts that show.
They haven't fired him yet, which is amazing.
It's amazing how he's always there and yet never shows up.
It is amazing.
So here he is.
He has Dick Durbin on, and they're talking about the problems of fixing our economy, fixing the entitlement.
By the way, Dick Durbin's great.
Dick Durbin's pretty good guy.
Pretty good, although he's, you know what?
You're going to hear a lot of talk about people saying, I back Simpson's Bowles, Simpson Bowles.
And what Simpson Bowles was, was a deficit commission appointed by Barack Obama.
And they figured out that the best way to cut the deficit was to also cut Social Security, something that doesn't add to the deficit.
That was part of their plan.
And when asked Alam Simpson why he did that, he said, get out of my face, you're a son of a bitch.
Something like that, he said to the reporter.
And so they won't answer those questions about why they.
And so even though Dick Durbin is generally a good guy, the debate has shifted so far to the right that somebody who is endorsing the Simpson-Bowles plan for deficit reduction is now seen as a lefty.
And Simpson-Bowles could not have been a more – This is not Eisenhower.
No.
This is not Barry Goldwater.
It's not Nixon.
It's not even Nixon.
Nixon believes.
Nixon started the EPA.
Nixon proposed universal health coverage.
Eisenhower famously said, I saw a thing on Facebook the other day where Eisenhower, they had a quote from Eisenhower, and I'll paraphrase it.
And it was like, any politician who wants to get away with Social Security, Medicare, or unions doesn't have a long life in this country.
It always seems to be one of those billionaire oil men from Texas who think that's a good idea.
And then they have him right next to Ron Paul, who says, we need to get rid of Medicare, Social Security.
And so these are not the same kind of Republicans that we used to have.
And he also told us to beware of the military-industrial complex.
He certainly did.
It's come under the guise of patriotism, something like that, or was that something else?
He famously said, beware of the powers of the military industrial, the undue influence.
Well, that's when our country was hampered by people making military decisions who'd actually been in the military.
Yes, people who are actually.
They're close to the chicken hawks we have now.
What?
You don't consider serving in the military, having read a Tom Clancy novel.
Well, by the way, if you look at that Kennedy speech on religion, the people who had him there weren't asking to see if he would put forward religion.
They were there to make sure they were religious people making sure he wasn't going to bring religion to the presidency.
Correct.
So, no, this isn't the same party.
This isn't even the same country.
Like, there aren't even moderate Republicans left.
I can't even name one.
Barack Obama would be the only moderate Republican I can think of.
And so the entirety of the Republican Party is this radical extreme right-wing party right now.
And the moderate Republicans are called Democrats.
Yeah, they're Democrats.
Yeah, there is no Democrat.
When I was a kid, there were people like, you know, in New York, Jacob Javits ran on the Republican and the liberal line.
John Lindsay, Republican and liberal.
Nelson Rockefeller, Republican and liberal.
James Kucinich is the only one I can think of that has true liberal cred.
You know, there's certainly Maxine Waters and people like that.
There's the black caucus.
But that's about it.
And then the rest of the party seems to be a blue dog, very much like Barack Obama.
Well, Dick Durbin, who's a senator, who's, again, we were talking about how he's a good guy, but he's also on board with Simpson Bowles, which is a very conservative deficit reduction.
So here he is talking to David Gregory.
10,000 people reached the age of 65 today and yesterday and tomorrow.
And For the next 18 years, these men and women who have paid into Medicare and Social Security are now reaching retirement.
The obvious question of Mitt Romney is: what would you do with those people?
I know what the Paul Ryan budget would do.
It would basically say Medicare is going to be a different program.
It's going to be a support program.
We'll hand you a check and good luck finding health insurance in the open market.
That to me does not give people security in their retirement.
It is not a boost of confidence for their children.
Well, that's a great point.
Those are great points he makes.
And let's see how David Gregory handles it.
Brummett has an appropriate role to do those things we can't do by ourselves.
Don't we also have an obligation in government, Governor, to say to the citizens, you have to understand reality, even though we've made a promise, there is a fiscal reality to this program that can't be sustained.
So there's.
That's a question he's never asked of a military leader ever.
Ever.
Ever.
The reality of, oh, you know, he's.
How can we afford a 12-year war in Afghanistan?
How can we afford a 10-year war in Iraq?
He's never said that.
The reality, the fiscal reality is, general, that we can't afford that.
He's never said.
You're exactly right, Frank.
Exactly.
But he says we can afford endless wars without ever having a discussion or a debate.
We've never even debated funding the goddamn wars.
We can do that, but we can't give medicine to our own citizens.
Somehow we just can't find the money.
We can fund a perceived threat, but we can't fund an actual threat.
Right.
Exactly.
So this is first of all.
First of all, I think, Robert, you asked me how did David Gregory get a job reporting for the Penny Saver, let alone hosting the prestigious network news show.
You know, even high on airplane glue, I can think of three things that are wrong with what David Gregory said.
Okay.
First of all, it's the government has the responsibility to explain complex issues to its citizens.
That's great.
But I'm pretty sure this would be the first time they actually did it.
Doesn't the government has a responsibility to explain?
No, they never do any of that stuff.
The government hasn't even explained to them how Obamacare works.
They're not explaining to them that it's good for them.
No.
Also, I'm pretty sure.
That really sums up more than anything that we've said over the last year.
You know, just that exasperation is the most condensed version of what this show is trying to get across.
It's very frustrating to hear a guy like David Gregory, who has paid millions of dollars to sit there and just parrot what corporate mouthpieces have told him to say.
And that's all he's doing.
That is not an insightful comment.
That is conventional wisdom 1,000%.
I'm not making this up.
Several weeks ago, they were talking about the Occupy movement, and he brought in that great progressive thinker, Jack Welch.
Oh, God.
To talk.
So it is, like you said, it's all just protecting the corporations.
I mean, he works for a defense contractor.
I mean, David Gregory, let's remember, he works for a sure, he doesn't.
But he doesn't have to because there is all, you know, Rachel Manow works for a defense contractor and Melissa Harris Perry and Chris Hayes and Lawrence O'Donnell and Ed Schultz.
But they actually express progressive views.
So it's really.
But they're only talking to other progressives.
And that's the difference.
So I think General Electric doesn't care what they're saying because they're saying it in a bubble.
And also the network is profitable.
Yeah.
And as soon as they say, as soon as Rachel Maddow or any of those, Ed Schultz says anything that causes them to lose money over at General Electric's defense contracting part or a General Electrics Bank, as soon as they say anything that makes them lose money, they will be fired.
They will be silenced, just like they silenced Phil Donahue, the number one show on their network during the run-up to the Iraq war.
And they fired him because he was anti-Iraq war and they're defense contractors.
Plus, they're selling soap also and all kinds of other stuff.
And they don't need any anti-status quo stuff on their airwaves.
And that's what David Gregory does.
If you ever want to know what the status quo is, just turn on Meet the Press and he'll tell you.
You can get it from either David Gregory or Brian Williams on NBC.
Yes.
And you can get it from George Stephanopoulos on ABC.
Don't bag on Brian Williams because he's really funny in some sketches.
So let me just sum up.
What David Gregory is suggesting is that we tell our senior citizens, hey, you paid into this program your entire life, but, you know, sorry.
Yeah.
Sorry.
And how would that be different than the United States defaulting on its own debt?
How would that be different from the United States failing to deliver goods and services for which payment was already received?
How would that be different from the United States government saying, hey, you know that money you gave us for your doctor bills?
Well, we spent it on tax cuts for the wealthy, a war in Iraq, a bank bailout.
So good fucking luck, buddy.
That's what David Gregory says.
Face reality, people.
Yeah, we have to face reality.
We can't afford it.
And it has not dawned on David Gregory or any of those other dimwits on that show.
What insurance company would insure today's elderly Americans in the first place?
The most expensive patients in the history of the world, they're going to get private insurance.
The fiscal reality, David, is that the Paul Ryan plan would end up taking health care away from seniors altogether because the health care allowance would have nowhere to go.
Seniors without appropriate health insurance would end up wiping out huge amounts of wealth in the American middle class.
The estate tax would cease to be an issue because there wouldn't be anyone leaving behind $2 million estates anymore.
And I don't know if the government has an obligation to say Medicare can't be fiscally sustained, but I know journalists have an obligation not to ask loaded questions based on obviously false assumptions.
I was going to say that the reason that they came up with Medicare was because people get old and die.
They get old and sick and they don't have any money.
I mean, there wouldn't have been a Medicare if you didn't have people getting old and saying, wait a minute, these people can't pay for this themselves.
It's like going back in time to say that there's some other solution.
But why should I have to pay for that when I'm also sick and don't have any money?
Okay, very good points, gentlemen.
And guess who called in?
You know what it's time for?
Rip Torn.
Something happens.
Okay, there's some.
Dessert is here.
Are you recording?
Yes, yes.
Yes, I think we're recording.
You're going to fuck this up, Archie.
You're going to die, motherfucker.
You're not going to end up recording, any of this, but you take your code up.
Shut up.
We're starting.
It's time for Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk town.
All right.
Well, are you ready to go?
Yes, rolling tape.
Say the thing.
I know what's up.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Rip Torn Hollywood Drug Tank, where entertainment news comes alive because I'm hammered on Scots.
How hammered on Scots, you ask?
Circus Freak on a first date hammer because I'm 12 fingers in.
HBO has renewed the very popular Game of Thrones.
Wonderful.
Now, people that I didn't really like to begin with will continue To give me an earbanging about Game of Throw.
Listen, nerds, if I wanted to see a TV program about stuff that didn't actually happen in the Middle Ages, I'd watch the History Channel.
AKA, the Maybe Aliens Built It Network.
Ricky Lake recently announced that she has eloped.
Ricky dear, when no one shows up to your destination wedding, you don't get to call that eloping.
It's called not being famous anymore and wasting the services of a calligrapher, which is the punishable offense in the Italian city of Verona.
Or at least it was in 1978 when I was briefly trying to make a living as an extortionist.
The Miss Universe organization has decided to allow transgendered females to compete in their beauty pageants.
This is fantastic news for those of us who enjoy masturbating the weird things, but even greater news for the dong chopper community who have long struggled for equality and acceptance.
Finally, ladies who have had the inconvenience of being born as gentlemen can finally exercise their God-given right to be publicly denigrated and intellectually marginalized in a titty contest, just like natural born girls.
Because who's to say they're not just as woman as the other contestants, besides the 60 trillion Y chromosomes inside their own body?
Miss Universe head honcho Donald Trump has spearheaded the move, and Glad has called this a giant step forward for transgendered civil rights.
That's right, Donald Trump, civil rights hero.
Anybody here seen my friend Don?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He let a lot of man monsters prance around in bikinis on a Las Vegas stage.
But I just turned around and he was gone.
Talking to a bunch of reporters.
And finally, this past Friday, Kim Belushi got caught with a marijuana cigarette at the Martha's Vineyard Airport.
I have three things to say about this.
One, I'm 85% sure this was an episode of Wings I Saw in 1992.
Except Tony Shaohube accidentally ate it and the show ended with him flying like Superman over Cape Cod saying crazy foreign person things.
Two, I don't know what Jim Belushi was doing at Martha's Vineyard, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that it involves him not fitting in and him not realizing it.
Three, just one joint.
Even his drug addiction can't hold a candle to his brother.
He's a talentless sack of shit.
All right, kiddies, this is Rip Torn reminding you that celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
Okay, that was Rip Torn, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, I love Rip Torn.
know what's up.
laughter laughter laughter music Bye.
Bye.
The voices today were all done by the hilarious Mike McCrae, who can be found at mikemcrae.com.
And today's show was written by Mike McRae, Frank Conniff, Steve Rosenfield, Robert Yesamer, and Steph Zamarano.
Today's show is produced by me.
And I want to give a special shout out to the two gentlemen who donate their time and talent to the Jimmy Door show.
Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films puts together these hilarious videos.
You've seen them on over at the YouTube page or up at the website or on Facebook.
He puts together, he takes the phone calls that we do at some of the bits and he puts video to them in the most amazing way.
Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films, thanks.
And also, oh, we just had Sean James just fix my computer this week.
I use Keynote Program.
You don't need to do anything, but my pre-computer broke, and he fixed it over the internet.
It's amazing how he does it.
If you want to get a hold of him, he can fix your computer over the internet.
It's fun to watch him.
You can reach him at MacHelp, M-A-C-H-E-L-P, MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N, SeanJames.com.
Okay, so that is our show.
Thanks for listening.
We'll see you next week.
We'll see you in Austin.
We'll see you this Saturday at the Left, Right, Ridiculous with Janine Garofilo.
We'll see you April 27th and 8th in Austin, Texas, doing left, right, and ridiculous.
And we'll see you back here next week.
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