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March 3, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:03:28
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I want to win.
I just wanna win.
I wanna crush you till your windpipe caves in.
And I wanna be the prettiest person at Earth Cafe.
And I hate Tina Fay.
I know that's sabu.
So if you don't like it, you can fuck you.
Cause I want her money, her glory, her baby, her dog, and her job.
And if one more person tells me I have to watch modern family, I'm going to buy that gun other than my eye on.
I I once loved a boy who did not love me.
In retrospect, I would have to agree.
You can still bet the next one I met, I put through the ringer.
Yeah, because that is the world.
That's how it works.
Every heart's broken and everyone's jerks.
And money don't change it.
Drugs can't erase it.
You can't blog it away.
And if one more person asked me what I have been working on lately, I don't think I'll ever stop crying.
applause and applause Thank you.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
Up-minded, lowly-livered lapdies.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say it's hard to talk to T-Vale.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I'm joined in studio.
We got a full house today over in Pasadena to my left from the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, chosen the top 10 podcasts in the country by The Onion.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hey, Paul, how are you?
James.
I like that.
Did you travel to Germany for that shirt?
Are you going to be playing soccer?
Are you going to be drinking beer out of a stein later?
What are you doing?
Always nice, by the way, to do clothing jokes on the radio.
Always a good.
This was a gift from my wife for Christmas.
Go fuck yourself.
Oh, damn.
I'm fond of your wife.
Sorry I made that joke now.
Okay, so you know what we'll do is we'll take a picture today after the show, and then I'll post it on the website.
Okay, so that all of America can mock that shirt.
Yes, so everybody can make fun of that shirt, which I bet it's a great shirt now that Carla bought it.
Carlo Bottom is probably nice.
Yes.
Right?
Did you know what original six refers to?
No, I don't.
None of you guys?
Any hockey fan would know.
The original NHL was 16s.
Oh, really?
And that's oh, and that's what that is, that jersey?
Oh, I thought it was the original guys who beat up Rodney King.
Okay, I have different reference points.
Next to him from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com.
Coming to a city near you, it's Frank Connoff.
Hey, Frank.
Hey, how you doing?
How was Cinematic Titanic in the Royal Oak, Michigan?
Hello, Michigan.
It was a blast.
All right.
Did the king and queen of Oak come out to see it?
They did not.
But Michigan was awesome.
The trees were just the right height.
Yeah.
So it's not a lot.
No, I was skeptical, but when I went there, I was like, man, just the height of these trees is great.
It is fantastic.
And did you see all the other little lakes, too, besides the big lakes?
They are wonderful.
And you know, I like cars.
Oh, dude.
I was very happy.
Are there cars in Michigan?
I like cars.
How about the streets?
Are they nice?
The streets are nice because I like cars.
Okay.
They drive on the streets.
I'm glad you were there.
Next to him from Team Yasamura, Twittering at Team Yasamura at Twitter.
It's Robert Yasamura.
How are you, buddy?
Can't be better.
Nope, good to see you.
Well, Robert dresses up for the show.
When you look at the picture on the website, you'll know what I'm talking about.
It's nice.
Robert's going to, he has to.
I dress for commercial audition.
Oh, okay.
And you're and after the commercial audition, you're teaching a class?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Next to you from the Daily Show, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good.
I'll be getting people's water.
Steve is.
He's trying to break into the business.
Steve is in the business, buddy.
Steve is here by popular demand to do his rant again.
And we're looking forward to that.
What's coming up on today's show?
Well, Mitt Romney won Michigan yesterday.
We're taping the show on a Wednesday.
He won Michigan, proving he's liked by 3% more of the people in his home state than a guy who's against college and contraception.
I wonder how he'd do against Jerry Sandusky.
Is there such a thing as an enthusiastic Romney voter?
If so, there must be such a thing as a passionate Kenny G fan.
Hey, the mandatory ultrasound bill passed in Virginia Senate where being a woman-hating sexist prick is also mandatory.
And polls show that despite Santorum's strong anti-education rhetoric, many illiterate dumb fucks still support Romney.
Coming up, we're going to take a look at Mitt Romney's latest gaffe.
It's a doozy plus Foster Freeze, which I always like to get mine dipped in a chocolate shell.
But Froster Freeze is the billionaire behind Rick Santorum.
And he gave a speech in a sweater vest, and we're going to talk about it later on.
Come up.
He's open the Foster Freezes of Open A Place.
He can get really clue.
It's called the Foster Brooks.
Also coming up, we're going to take a look at Rick Santorum's anti-education stance, very gutsy.
Rick Santorum says the separation of church and state makes him puke, but in a good way.
And we're going to talk about that.
And if we have time for it, Newt Gingrich is a hypocrite over the burning of the Korans in Afghanistan.
Remember the Afghanistan war?
Still happening.
And we're going to talk about that.
Plus, we got phone calls today from Rip Torn called in with the Hollywood drunk tank.
We have Mitt Romney calls in to explain away some of his gaffes.
And Bill O'Reilly calls in, too, to help explain Rick Santorum's crazy anti-education stance.
That's coming up today on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, on today's Oh My God segment, it's you know, it's tough to come up with a crazy right-wing anti-gay says, oh my God, every week.
So this week, we're just going to go to the old tried and true, Mitt Romney.
Now, Mitt Romney made another couple of gaps since the last time we talked about him.
He opened his mouth and he gaffed it up.
And well, let's just do a quick recap of some of his more popular gaps.
Just from this election cycle, okay?
Corporations are people, my friend.
We can raise taxes and Of course, they are.
Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people.
Okay, so there's that, and then there was this one.
I'm not concerned about the very poor.
We have a safety net there.
Not concerned about the very poor, okay?
Another one.
If you don't like what they do, you can fire them.
I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.
Okay, so then we went to this one.
A little history.
I was born and raised here.
I love this state.
It seems right here.
The trees are the right height.
I like seeing the lakes.
I love the lakes.
Just something very special here.
The Great Lakes, but also all the little inland lakes.
Yeah, the parts of Michigan.
I love cars.
I don't know.
I mean, I grew up totally in love with cars.
It used to be in the 50s and 60s.
If you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a car, I could tell you what brand it was, the model, and so forth.
Now, now with all the Japanese cars, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American cars pretty well.
Yeah, because all those Japanese cars look alike.
We all know that, don't they?
They all look alike.
Okay, and then he said this recently.
Thanks, actually.
I like the fact that most of the cars I see are Detroit-made automobiles.
I drive a Mustang and a Chevy pickup truck.
And drives a couple of Cadillacs, actually.
Okay, a couple of Cadillacs.
That was the last one we did.
And here's the latest.
He was trying to show how he can connect with regular NASCAR fans.
Although he's never actually been to a NASCAR event, he did say this.
Not as closely as some of the most hardened fans, but I have some great friends that are NASCAR team owners.
Yeah, so he has some NASCAR team owner friends.
Even trying to connect to people, he manages to ostracize.
You know, Paul, I think you're wrong because Mitt Romney said this.
I don't think that I have any challenge whatsoever connecting with people on an emotional level.
No, I don't think he has a problem at all.
I think you're wrong.
He disputed what you said.
I'm betting the Romney kids would dispute that.
That he has a hard time.
Yeah, I bet they would too.
They'd be like, yeah, you weren't raised by you.
The problem with that statement about the NASCAR friends, you know, I'm not the most ardent NASCAR friend, but I have some friends who own some teams.
It's just unbelievable.
It's just now he can't hide it anymore.
He can't.
That's just who you are.
That's how you've always been.
And that's just, you have to embrace it.
You should embrace it.
People aren't angry at rich people in America.
People loved FDR.
It's just that FDR knew, you know, he had a vision.
He understood what needed to happen.
He understood the problems of working class people.
Somehow, being rich as he was, he knew what was best for the working man.
Unlike Mitt Romney, who has no, could not connect less with the working man.
I would claim that he can't connect with any man.
If you listen to him in all of those, it sounds like he's trying to imitate human behavior.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
I mean, on a very basic level, it sounds like he's a sociopath trying to sound like a normal person.
Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head.
And you just get the feeling that deep inside him is this desperate, desperate need to do better than his father did and think that maybe that somehow will help him relax and feel yeah.
That's that was part of George W. Bush, too.
Yeah.
You know, was you know, his dad wouldn't invade invade Iraq, you know, and everyone thought that was a mistake.
Turned out it was this really smart thing.
The younger Bush was going to prove, oh, I'm better than my dad.
I'm going to go into Iraq.
By the way, I don't know, Paul, have you followed the, we did a big thing on Israel and the Iran war last week.
Have you been following any of the developments since then?
A little bit.
Have I missed anything?
No, I was asking.
Oh.
I haven't.
No, not that I'm aware of, but I live in a cave.
Okay, so.
And you know what?
It's beneficial to the show that you live in that cave.
Black Osama Bin London did it.
That's right.
Yes.
I actually helped him with his kidney dialysis.
I'm a male nurse.
Did I mention that?
I'm an Afghani male nurse.
That explains that shirt.
Actually, I'm a Waziristan male nurse, but a lot of people aren't familiar with the tribal areas.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh, my God.
So I was watching some of the old Ti-Vo shows that I had from CPAC, right?
So I T-VO'd a bunch of the stuff from CPAC, and I was watching it over the weekend.
And one of the things I saw was Rick Santorum's speech, which I had already seen once.
And by the way, he brought his family on stage with him at CPAC, Rick Santorum, his whole family, right?
So he has two boys on either end, right?
I think he's got seven kids.
So he's got two boys bookending the kids behind him, both wearing sweater vests.
Oh, really?
Both will never wear a sweater vest.
Both of his kids wearing sweater vests.
Do you think he thinks if he gets elected, he'll get to own Land's End?
By the way, his oldest daughter looks like a hot roof buzzy.
She is a slice of jokes.
She's really attractive, right?
And she's got such a nice smile.
I felt so sorry.
So here she really puts out.
I felt very sorry for her to standing behind her father, like giving that look.
She's stuck with that father, and he's just shaming her sex, sexuality, and not telling her.
Oh, the damage is done.
He no longer has to shame her.
She's self-shaming at this point.
I know.
That's like we're teaching somebody to fish.
You can shame them, but if you can teach them to shame themselves.
If you could teach a, you can just turn them loose.
Teach a man to shame himself.
Sure, you shame them once and they're shamed for the day, but you teach them self-shame.
Yeah.
And they're shamed for life.
And that's the beauty there.
There you go.
Yeah.
I'll cut out all that sloppy stuff that you said.
All right.
So I was watching, you know, each the Citizens United ruling, which was nice because it allows candidates who we would never have to hear from, we get to hear from them now continuously, like Newt Gingrich, right?
Because he has a billionaire backing him.
He'd have been out of the race a long time ago.
Same thing with Rick Santorum.
He has a billionaire backing him.
It's this guy, Foster Freeze, which is his name.
Foster, it's a real name.
And so he was introducing, and I just introducing Rick Santorum at CPAC.
And I just found a couple of things he said curious, and I wanted to share them.
Now, I know Foster Freeze, he's rich.
He's white.
He's a conservative.
And he's named after a James Bond villain.
And you know, Foster Freeze is such a cool name.
Marcus Bachman wants to change his name to Dairy Queen.
Very nice.
Picture Foster Freeze as like a James Bond villain who has like a bald sidekick named Snowflake.
And they're both wearing sweater vests?
They're both wearing sweater first.
By the way, Foster Freeze wearing a sweater vest.
Yeah?
Yes, while he's introducing Rick Santorum.
Yes, he is.
And so he's rich, white, and conservative.
So I'm just wondering how long it's going to take until he gets to the part where he's a victim.
So it's coming, I bet.
So here, let's just listen to a little bit of his introduction.
He could win in Pennsylvania because he reaches out to that blue-collar woke walk worker.
You know, the grandson of a coal miner has an advantage over some guy who makes a lot of money.
That's not fair.
I make a lot of money.
I don't like the fact that I'm discriminated against and considered even evil because of it.
Yeah, see?
Discriminated against because he makes a lot of money.
See, like it seems like everyone's a victim of discrimination at CPAC, isn't it?
You see those water fountains?
No rich people allowed to be able to do it.
No rich people allowed.
Sure.
And it's the worst kind of discrimination, Frank.
It's the kind where the minority groups suppress the majority groups, right?
It's the kind where the people with no money in power stick their boot on the throat of the rich and powerful.
It's the worst kind of discrimination.
Rich people need their own Rosa Parks who refuses to sit in the back of the Gulf Stream.
Frank, so what you're saying is when are the rich white conservatives going to catch a break in this country?
That's what you're saying.
I've been wondering the same thing.
Sure, they get to own everything and exploit workers, but why shouldn't they also be able to connect with workers they are exploiting too?
It's just not fair.
Yeah, him and Rick Santorum have a lot in common, Rick Santorum and Foster Freeze, because Rick's grandfather was a coal miner, and everybody who works for Foster Freeze has a crappy job, too.
So, okay.
You know that somebody is suspect when to show their blue-collar cred, they have to go to their grandparents.
Yeah, yes, that's what, and that's exactly what he's doing.
Okay, people who work for Foster Freeze end up like coal miners, but they get chocolate lung disease.
We're on fire today.
Yeah, Frank is winning, if anyone.
Frank is winning.
If we go to the board, there are benefits to crushing depression.
And right now, you're hearing them.
And a lot of them are wordplay.
Yeah.
A lot of those benefits are wordplay.
Okay.
That's a little bit more.
Let's get back to his introduction of Rick Santorum, Foster Freeze at the CPAC.
So the grandson of a coal miner has an advantage over some guy who makes a lot of money.
Finally, somebody said it.
Finally, how the people from the coal mining elite have all the advantages, right?
And they have their boots on the necks of the millionaires.
Grandson of a coal miner has an advantage over some guy who makes a lot of money.
That's not fair.
I make a lot of money.
I don't like the fact I'm discriminated against and considered even evil because of it.
But the reality is the grandson of a coal miner has a huge opportunity.
Yes, just as long as he does exactly what his billionaire tells him to do.
That's right.
And if that coal miner's grandson becomes president and Foster Freeze owns him, it's a win-win for him.
Sure.
I'm unfairly discriminated against just because I'm wealthy.
The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that I'm completely full of shit.
A grandson of a coal miner has a better chance of identifying with the working man, Foster.
Really?
You mean the grandson of a coal miner with a law degree and a master's of business administration?
How about an actual coal miner?
How about that guy?
How about you know the people whose unions you're trying to destroy?
How about those guys can relate to coal miners better, not some guy with three college degrees like Rick Santorum?
Do you think those billionaires ever slip up and call their uh these guys Cadbury?
In fact, I'm discriminated against and considered even evil because of it.
No, you're disliked.
You're not discriminated against.
You're disliked.
There's a difference.
Discrimination is where things are made difficult in your path, where you're unfairly judged, where unlawful things happen to you.
No, you're just a pompous asshole who's disliked because you're using your financial leverage to yeah, people don't hate you because you're rich.
You're rich and people hate you.
Yes.
Right.
Okay.
So the grandson of a coal miner has an advantage over some guy who makes a lot of money.
That's not fair.
I make a lot of money.
I don't like the fact I'm discriminated against and considered even evil because of it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found the ringtone for my phone I've been looking for.
I will never tired of hearing how billionaires are tired of being discriminated against.
Just once in my life, I want to hear that lady behind the lunch counter declare, hey, millionaire, we don't serve your kind around here.
Okay, why don't you just go next door to the place with the three Michelin stars, okay?
That's where you belong.
Well, he probably also thinks that, you know, it was the slave owners who really had it bad during the Civil War.
It was not fair.
And nobody ever says nice things about slave owners anymore.
Slaves get reparations.
Right.
You know, what about the cotton industry that really took a hit after slavery got abolished?
I know.
You know, he also said that gay people should hold poppers between their knees.
Okay, more back to he's got a little bit more to say before he brings out Rick.
And the other thing I love about Rick Santorum, you'll never hear him say anything divisive.
No.
No, never.
Never.
Claiming homosexual is immoral is really an olive branch to the godless gays.
Divisive, he was just goofing with the dog whistle politics.
When he was implying Obama's theology wasn't really Christian, it was to bring the people together.
And when he said the President's Kennedy speech about separation of church and state made him puke, he meant it was so eloquent that it made him sick to his stomach with envy.
This is how he's bringing okay, he's got a little bit more.
Nothing is ever divisive.
He'll challenge people's positions, but he brings people together.
You know what?
As near as I can tell, the only people Rick Santorum has brought together are the people who don't want to vote for Mitt Romney.
That's really the only people he's bringing together.
The rest of the time, I think they were people who were already together on things like hating homosexuals and a woman's right to choose.
And Santorum just kind of showed up at the rally and pretended he did it to bring people together.
I wonder if when Santorum throws up, if one of the child janitors that cleans it up.
Okay.
Foster Freeze has a little bit more to say before he brings him off.
He doesn't talk about the rich and the poor and the middle as like we're three different classes when he speaks.
And maybe I'm stealing his speech, but we're all in this together.
He doesn't talk about.
I think this guy really believes his own bullshit.
Oh, he does.
I just think it's...
Why didn't you just say, say I was on the tonight show?
Rich and the poor and the middle is like we're three different classes.
He doesn't talk about the rich, poor, and the middle class like there are three different classes.
And you like that about him, Foster Freeze?
You like that he doesn't talk about the realities of our economy or our society?
I'm just saying that's a weird thing to like about a guy who wants to rule our economy and our society.
If I had never heard Santorum speak, based on this one thing, I would assume he speaks about a wonderful Disney-like utopia where churros are free.
He speaks, and maybe I'm stealing his speech, but we're all in this together.
Really?
We're all in this together?
Are you going to help me with my insurance company, Foster?
I mean, if we're all in this together, then I guess we're all on hold with Blue Cross and waiting to see if I can get that referral to a dermatologist, right?
Is that what that means?
They're all in this together in their hatred of everyone else.
We're all in this Together as long as it's not at a bathhouse.
You know, I honestly didn't think that this would be a problem for the wealthy, but I was wrong.
You know, I wonder if Foster Freeze knows that World War II has been over for a little while when we were actually in this together.
That was the last time we were in this together.
But since then, when it comes to defeating things like disease, poverty, I'm pretty sure we've all been on our own lately, right?
But look, Foster, if I'm wrong and we're all in this together, I'll assume I'll see you at the PTA meeting for the local public school where I assume your grandchildren are going.
And then afterwards, the swinger party in my trailer.
I wonder if people like that use that as their kind of their moral badge because they can just stay in the theoretical realm and they don't have to actually live it.
You know what I mean?
They can say, I'm against this, I'm against that, because it gives them the feeling of being a moral person, but that doesn't have to be integrated in their daily life.
It's just an abstract thing.
Being a moral person isn't.
Foster Freeze is an interesting guy because you can tell by his biography that he is heavily Catholic and he has gotten more and more Catholic the more money he's gotten.
And it's because he feels like I must be special.
Yes.
Because I have God's rewarding all this money.
You can tell.
You can tell.
And he's actually said it point blank.
He's like, a lot of my millions are because of my faith.
And by the way, you know, there was this horrible tornado.
And I'm sitting there going, so what are the Pat Robertsons of the world who, when there's a bad thing happens to people they don't like, are like, see what happens with God?
But it's like, this is Southern Illinois.
This is like their home turf.
So what do they blame that on?
I the hurricane was looking for a trailer full of gays.
And just smoked the wrong people.
Someone in one of the trailers was watching glee to talk about the rich and the poor and the middle as like we're three different classes when he speaks.
And maybe I'm stealing his speech, but we're all in this together.
And so we have to bring America back to the America that we're all in this together.
Rich, poor, white, black, Catholic, Jew, whatever.
Right, yeah, yeah.
You know, instead of Obama's America, where the poor steal our money and date our women.
Yeah, okay.
That's what makes America great, and that's what each of you, each of us, have to work hard to achieve.
And the other thing I love about Rick Santorum, you'll never hear him say anything divisive.
Nothing is ever divisive.
He'll challenge people's positions, but he brings people together.
He doesn't talk about the rich and the poor and the middle as like we're three different classes when he speaks.
And maybe I'm stealing his speech, but we're all in this together.
And so we.
Yes.
See, and Rick doesn't talk about the rich and the poor, and not if he wants me to keep writing him checks.
That's why.
And we're not three different classes in America.
We're just one big America run by 15 billionaires.
Exactly.
Okay.
And that's where we have.
15 people, Jimmy.
15 corporations.
Okay.
That's right.
15 people.
And corporations are people, my friend.
All right.
You know what?
Mitt Romney actually called in to kind of clear up his gaffes that he's been making.
So let's see what he had to say.
Jimmy Dore, it's Mitt Romney.
I hope that saying Jimmy Dore, it's Mitt Romney isn't a gaffe.
But I wouldn't be surprised because just about everything I've said since I started running for president has been a gosh darn gaffe.
Yikes.
Saying a curse word like gosh darn is going to get me in trouble with the Morbans, but they're the least of my problems right now.
Look, I've tried to downplay my wealth.
I said my wife has two Cadillacs, but the truth is she has hundreds of Cadillacs.
I buy her a new car every day.
Oh, she has more Cadillacs than all the pimps and all the 70s black exploitation movies put together.
But I only mentioned two of them.
And still I had to take crap for it.
Also, I said the trees in Michigan are just the right height because I paid to have the entire state re-landscape so that the trees could be just the kind of height I liked when I got here.
How is in this country it's okay to have a sexual preference, but it's not okay to have a tree preference.
If I had said that all the gay men in the state have just the right size schlong, the liberal media would love me.
But I can't catch a break with you people.
And I even got criticized because I made fun of NASCAR fans for wearing cheap raincoats.
For once, I didn't pander to a crowd.
Instead, I made fun of them for being poor.
And yet I was still criticized for this.
I mean, come on.
These people didn't understand a word I was saying.
They're NASCAR fans for crying out loud.
Basically, these are cavemen with wall paintings of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Hell, when I was head of Bang Capital, I would have had their asses reorganized and fired before I even had breakfast.
So they should be happy I'm running for president.
Well, Jimmy, I'd better split.
Super Tuesday is coming up.
So I'd better go set my hair on fire.
Okay, that was Mitt Romney.
Okay, that was Mike McRae doing our favorite Mitt Romney.
Didn't you enjoy that?
And let me tell you, I have a treat for you guys, the podcast listeners.
Here's a little treat I would like to let you in on.
So this next Thursday, we do this subversive comedy show, the stand-up comedy show once a month at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
It's a great time.
And, well, I've made two decisions.
One, I'm going to start hosting that show instead of headlining.
I like, if I host, I get to see you people more.
I get to talk to you more, interact more instead of waiting for the end of the show for me to come up.
So I don't know if anyone cares about that, but that's what I don't.
That's what I'm going to be doing.
The other thing is, I'm going to make a special offer to the podcast listeners right now for that show.
And the offer is: if you want to go to the Flapper Stand-Up Subversive Comedy Show, here's the offer.
You get in free.
Isn't that something?
This week, March, is it March 8th is the date?
March 8th, you're going to get in free to see the subversive comedy show to the podcast listeners.
Because normally I give away free tickets on the radio and the people on the radio call in, but we're doing it different this week.
We're going to give away some free tickets to the podcast listener.
And here's how you do it: you go to 102 East Magnolia Boulevard.
That's where Flappers Comedy Club is.
You go to Flappers Comedy Club next Thursday, March 8th, 8 p.m.
You go to the box office, you say the passcode podcast, and they're going to give you two complimentary admissions to the Subversive Comedy Show.
How do you do that again, Jimmy?
Next Thursday, March 8th.
Write it down.
Thursday at 8 p.m.
I'm going to go see that subversive comedy show.
Yes.
And how do I do that?
I go to Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
I go to the box office.
I say podcast.
That's the passcode.
They're going to give you two complimentary admissions to the subversive show.
That's for Thursday, March 8th.
How's that as a thank you to my podcast listeners for having a great sense of humor?
How is that?
I think it's great.
That's who I think that is.
And we always have hilarious people on that show.
I'm going to be on that show, as already stated.
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piano plays softly Okay.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio from the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin and from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff.
Next to him, it's a hilarious comedian from Team Yasamura.
It's Robert Yasamura.
And next to him, my good buddy, hilarious comedian, former writer for The Daily Show, it's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
Coming up on today's show on the second half of today's show, we're going to check out why Rick Santorum doesn't want you to go to college and why separation of church and state makes Rick Santorum a little queasy.
Plus, Newt Gingrich's hypocrisy over the burnings of the Korans and much more, plus phone calls.
We have Rip Torn's Hollywood drunk takes and Bill O'Reilly calls in to defend Rick Santorum.
That's coming up on the second half.
But right now, let's get to Rick Santorum.
You know, they say that the Republican Party, the more education you get, the less likely you are to vote Republican.
And that comes from David Frum.
So in fact, which is funny because I heard Russ Limbaugh say this the other day.
Isn't it due to ignorant and uninformed voters that we got Obama?
Aren't the Democrats trying to dumb down everybody in our schools?
Okay, that's ironic that Russ Limbaugh says that because the more educated you get, the more likely you are to vote Democrat, right?
So it would be the opposite.
In fact, Rick Santorum picked up on that and he said this about Barack Obama's encouraging kids to go to college.
President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college.
First of all, let me just stop and say, I'm pretty sure President Obama never said that.
I'm sure what he said was he wanted everyone to be able to go to college, which isn't just a slight difference.
It's completely different.
Also, the idea that everyone can go to college is so ingrained in the American dream.
Since the GI Bill.
Yeah, that's like the basics of the American dream that Obama, I'm sure, has expressed many times.
Was it the GI Bill or the Upper GI Bill?
I get them mixed up.
What a snob.
You're good, decent men.
But he's not divisive.
No, he's not divisive.
Let's take it from the top because that's pretty good.
President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college.
What a snob.
You're good, decent men and women to go out and work hard every day.
First of all, he sounds like he's talking right now the way I talk to my dog.
You're good, decent, hardworking men and women.
That's what it sounded like.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Let's listen to it again.
What a snob.
You're good, decent men and women.
You're good.
You're good.
It's a good boy.
You're a good boy.
How condescending.
It's just, to me, it's the irony here is that he's, this is like a double hypocrisy, contradiction, irony, because he's here chastising President Obama for being elitist.
At the same time, in order to do that, he needs to condescend to the people he's trying to convey that message to.
So President Obama's wrong because he's elitist, but let me condescend to you right now.
How does it make you a snob that you want people to go to college?
I don't know, but it's a good idea.
Will a snob be somebody that says you should know your place in your blue-collar world?
He'll explain what he means.
He'll explain.
It's coming up.
Go out and work hard every day and put their skills to test that aren't taught by some liberal college professor and trying to indoctrinate them.
Oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college.
He wants to remake you in his image.
Yeah, black.
How dare President Obama want you to go to college?
I mean, what an effing monster.
That's all I'm, that's all I think.
It's just jaw-dropping.
It's not like it's jaw-dropping.
It's not like America's falling behind the rest of the world in every educational measure or that we need to remake our economy using even more complex models and technology.
What a snob.
What a snob that Obama.
And how often do you hear someone hit a talking point that hard, really?
I mean, he just said it.
I expect Santorum to say, uppity colored fella pretty tough.
Pretty soon.
That's the tone of it, I think.
Everybody thought that in the audience.
And to your point, Paul, just to make, just for a point of logic, a true snob wouldn't want you to go to college.
They'd want the masses to stay ignorant so they could feel Superior to them and exploit them, you know, like Foster Freeze.
Wait, something just clicked in my head.
No, I lost it.
Okay, go ahead.
Also, he's on the side of the snobs in Animal House.
You know, right?
Like, he's more like the guys that were on the D, you know, that we're in with the movie, Pete.
Craig Marmillard.
I'm not articulating it.
They're good, decent men and women who go out and work hard every day and put their skills to test that aren't taught by some liberal college professor.
Now go get me the paper.
Yes.
It sounds like he's saying people who don't go to college and work really hard are somehow more real than the lazy slackers who go to college and phone in the rest of their lives, I guess.
You know, I don't think there's a greater example of you being happy with the status quo financially in this than when what you have to pick on about the person in power is that they dream too much.
They think too big for our country.
They want everybody to be better.
Yeah, you know, it's almost like he's saying there's sort of a social hierarchy.
You know, like, I don't know, like maybe a class warfare.
Yeah.
And indoctrinate them.
I love that part.
What do Republicans think?
The higher education is like a series of classes and rituals in which the illogical dogma or a power structure is driven into the minds of young people, you know, like Sunday school, confirmation, first communion, mass or confession, you know, stuff like that.
Could it be like that?
And the people that he's saying are good with their hands, it's because there's never any money in those hands.
And when he says, oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college, he wants to remake you in his image.
He does.
He wants to remake me in the image of the leader of the free world.
What a fucking nightmare that would be.
An overachiever who came up from nothing and achieved amazing things.
He wants me to be like that.
He wants me to be an intellectual giant with a massive amount of earning potential.
How dare he?
Now, here I want to just give you a little taste of Rick Santorum's consistency, ladies and gentlemen.
He was asked by David Gregory if he encourages his kids to go to college.
Do you encourage your kids to go to college?
I encourage my kids to get higher education.
Absolutely.
Okay, and absolutely.
He's a completely hypocrite, contradictory moron.
Okay, gotcha.
Thank you, Rick.
I appreciate it.
There's a little bit more.
And in fact, if college is the best place for them, absolutely.
But you know what?
If going to a trade school and learning to be a carpenter or a plumber or other types of other types of skills that are an artist or whatever the case may be or musician, all of those things are very important and worthwhile professions that we should not look down our nose at and say they're somehow less because you didn't get a four-year college degree.
Who's doing that?
Who's doing it?
You're the only ones that are talking about that.
You're creating this fictitious.
That's a straw man.
I can't believe he mentioned musicians.
So he just gave a free pass to every stoner in the basement of their parents' house playing a drum setter.
Hey, why don't you get a job?
Leo off me, mom.
I'm a musician.
I'm an artist.
Rick Santorum says I can play the drum.
I don't have to go to college.
I'm an artist.
He's like backing.
He's like a hipster, Rick Santorum.
Well, it's funny because he's all over the map on this one.
And that's what it's like, really?
You'd be okay with your kids being artists, Rick's.
I'm 100% sure that that's not true, that he would be okay.
Also, there was a thing on Talking Point's memo that he, when he was a senator, said he wanted everyone in Pennsylvania to have the opportunity to go to college.
Ah, so, okay.
So I know it's not 100% true that he would want his kids to be artists or he would be cool with it, unless his kid wanted to paint Jesus a lot or become the next Thomas Kincaid, you know, the master of light.
And oh, by the way, Rick, most art schools are four-year colleges.
But boy, this guy is so right.
I mean, remember all those Obama speeches where he shit all over plumbers and carpenters?
Remember how he used to say that?
Remember how he wanted to get them all health care?
Yeah, health care of judgment.
And who's in college right now going, oh, why was I forced to be here?
I want to be a plumber.
I would rather, oh, why can't I be a musician?
Why can I have that easy life of being a musician?
Rick, on behalf of everyone in the liberal community, I can honestly say we would love for your kid to become a musician.
We really would, because I guarantee you that it would not be the Osman slash von Trapp family scenario there, buddy.
That would be a series of cocaine-fueled albums about what a repressed dick his dad is, ending with death by autoerotic asphyxiation.
And also, if they wanted to come up with a really edgy name for his heavy metal band, I'd just call it Santoro.
I like it.
It does sound like a good bad idea.
You get the feeling that he's so out of touch that he almost used blacksmith as an example of a trade.
He almost did.
You don't want to say black.
Oh, that's right.
You can't say black.
I love how he says, of all the things, all of those things are very important and worthwhile professions that we should not look down our noses at and say that they are somehow less because you didn't get a four-year college degree.
Oh, really?
And the best way to honor those professions is to fund every entitlement program that benefits working class Americans that we can get our hands on.
Oh, and while we're at it, fuck the arts too.
Apparently.
So remember, kids, don't listen to that elitist black a-hole and go to one or more years of college or higher education, which is what Obama actually suggested.
Just run with your high school diploma, which tells people you are a hardworking American because you have no choice but to work hard at manufacturing jobs that no longer exist.
And don't worry about Social Security because between your poverty and lack of health care, you'll die at 40 or so the way God intended.
Because there's nothing wrong with letting your intellectual insecurities rule your politics and life, you know, unless you want to live or something.
Okay.
It gets even worse from here.
So I have more Rick Santorum to play for you, okay?
So they were asking him about separation of church and state, and he's a Catholic.
John F. Kennedy was Catholic.
John F. Kennedy gave a speech about it because people were afraid that he was going to bring too much religion into the government.
And because we never had a Catholic president before, and is he going to take orders from the Pope?
And President Kennedy said this.
So it is apparently necessary for me to state once again, not what kind of church I believe in, for that should be important only to me, but what kind of America I believe in.
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.
When no Catholic fellow would tell the president, should he be Catholic, how to act.
And no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote.
Okay, sounds pretty reasonable, articulate.
That's why people love John F. Kennedy.
I hope our country evolves to the point one day where a politician will be willing to say that.
You know, hopefully if we work hard enough and we try to educate people, we can get somewhere to the 1960s.
Hopefully.
And here's what Rick Santorum had to say about that.
He was after That speech.
He was talking about that.
He said this.
I don't believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.
He doesn't.
Well, it's obviously we don't have separation of douchebag and state.
Okay, here we go.
There's a little bit more.
The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical.
Yes, yes.
It's a vicious lie, the separation of church and state, a vicious lie made up by the misguided people who wrote the Constitution.
To the objectives and vision of our country.
To say that people of faith have no role in the public square, you bet that makes you throw up.
Yes, we need religion in public life to give politicians a do-over when they're caught cheating on their wives and going to hookers.
Jimmy, our forefathers couldn't have envisioned how fun church would be.
So you can't really.
And I mean, I'm glad Santorum alerted us to JFK's diabolical plan to overthrow our Christian government.
That's the oh, it makes him sick to his stomach.
What a snob.
It's just weird that it's like Obama's so popular that Santorum's decided to run against a president who's been dead for 50 years.
A brilliant strategy.
Even Dead Kennedy is more articulate than Santorum.
The Dead Kennedy.
Yes, the Dead Kennedy.
Okay.
Hey, Bill.
This is how you doing, buddy.
Jimmy Doors, Bill Riley.
Hey, listen, I want to talk to you.
I'm calling in to defend Rick Santorum.
Yeah, what's here?
You give him a lot of trouble about his comment that he made about Obama sending people to college because he's a snob.
Correct.
Yeah.
He's absolutely right.
There's no argument to that, Jimmy Dorr.
There's no argument.
Of course, there's an argument, Bill.
I mean, first of all, Rick Santorum went to college, and you went to college yourself.
You went to Harvard.
Yeah, several times.
But it doesn't matter.
I'm a conservative, so it doesn't count.
What?
I'm sorry, JD.
That's the way it is.
You see, conservatives are less susceptible to the liberal professor's line of crap.
We aren't so high and mighty as to tell everyone else that they too should better themselves.
That doesn't make any sense.
We're Christians, and Jesus has bestowed us with the gift of humility.
So that's why we can go to college and still remain better than you without becoming snobs.
Humility.
That sounds contradictory.
Humility to Christian virtue.
Look it up.
Okay, so are liberals who don't go to college snobs, Bill?
Absolutely.
So this doesn't have anything to do with college.
Oh, no, it has everything to do with college.
For instance, you went to college, and that's why you were able to find the logic flaw in my snob argument.
College is bad for liberals, fills their heads with tools and ideas they don't know what to do with and end up using them for evil.
Ergo, debunking my snob argument.
So are you saying that college indoctrinates people to be liberal?
Of course it does, Jimmy.
Open your eyes.
College takes otherwise normal, good, conservative American kids, puts them in this charnel house of ideas, and then all of a sudden they start looking down their nose at Paula Dean and her donut burgers.
Or start thinking that kid rock isn't actually good music.
It's not.
Or read the words of the founding fathers for themselves without having someone like me lie about it to I mean her paraphraser death.
Explain it to them.
All right, Jimmy, I've got to let you go.
But hey, you have fun with your little elitist friends and your radio show talking about elite stuff.
My humble self, however, is going to a big to-do tonight down at the Harvard Club in downtown Manhattan.
Philip Glass will be performing live.
Should be much better than last month.
They had some guy giving a speech about the separation of church and state.
That made me want to puke.
Okay, Bill, good talking to you.
Bye-bye.
That was Bill O'Reilly, ladies and gentlemen.
Bill laying it down, giving us a straight business.
I want to do one more Rick Santorum just to bring this full circle.
Rick Santorum was asked recently by a woman who couldn't afford her drugs, her prescription drugs, what she should do if I can't afford my prescription drugs.
And Rick Santorum said this to her.
All I can say is people have no problem going out and buying an iPad for $900.
But I'm paying $900 for a drug and problem.
It keeps you alive.
Why?
Because it's because you have been conditioned to thinking that healthcare is something that you should get and not have to pay for.
So if you can't afford, because we have $900 iPads, you shouldn't complain if your prescription drugs are really expensive.
Because you could hear her saying, I don't have an iPad.
I don't have an iPad.
She goes, I can't afford an iPad.
And he just keeps right on going.
We have iPads.
I bet you have one.
Yep, but you know what?
I don't have an iPad a week.
Yeah, right.
You know what I mean?
Yes, I don't have an iPad every week, exactly, or every month.
It's a winning strategy.
If all of your health care was just $900 altogether, maybe you could handle that.
Right.
Right.
But that's his rationale.
He doesn't.
What you're saying, Frank and Robert and Steve, it's all logical.
He doesn't want any of that.
He believes what he's saying is right because it's right, not because it actually works in the real world.
There are stories all the time about people trying to cure their diabetes with angry birds.
There's a new app for curing your diabetes, I hear.
You know, let's face it, if everyone had free health care, the poor people would deliberately get sick so they could quit working.
And that's what they would do.
We know that.
And people, and forget, praying for a miracle is still free.
Still free, praying for a miracle.
And $900 seems like a lot of money to poor people who waste all their money on food and rent.
That's funny.
You guys nothing?
Nothing on that?
Really?
No, the reason why I was silent is because I agree.
Poor people are jerks.
It sounds like a winning strategy, right?
Being against iPads and inexpensive drugs, right?
But I like the fact that he's pointed in the right direction.
He realizes that that's the direction the country is heading where health care is going to be that level of a luxury.
Yes.
Really?
Getting.
Yeah, like an iPad.
Getting to see a doctor at this point is like getting a plasma screen TV.
And that's how I feel.
And he's saying that we now have a mentality where we believe that we should get free health care.
And it's not that way.
The only reason you should get free health care is if you're a member of Congress, apparently.
We would settle for affordable health care.
That's all people want is affordable health care.
Afford, meaning I can afford it.
You know, people, everyone's against death, but, you know, they haven't even tried it.
All right.
Guess what?
Rip Torn called in.
It's Rip Torn's Hollywood Drunk Take Oscar Edition.
I know what's up at the Oscars.
Happy Thursday, dummies.
Have you recovered from Hollywood's biggest night?
Me neither.
I had to eventually have a second urethra surgically installed to trade on all the Corbell champagne and wolf brown chili I ingested.
I watched from home.
I haven't been invited since 1983.
When I kept interrupting the best editing award presentation from Jeff Bridges by yelling seriously, what the fuck is a Tron?
What a show.
The inimitable Billy Crystal was the host.
Presumably because Foster Brooks was unavailable.
Right out of the gate, good old Billy updated his act with some minstrelsy, introducing himself with a Sammy Davis Jr. impression to an entire new generation of viewers who don't know who Savvy Davis Jr. was.
Good call.
Too bad the showrunners had to eventually cut his attire Engelbert Humperdinck.
The artist swept the awards.
Best actor Jean Dujardin gave an emotional, effusive acceptance speech off franca that reminded us why Hitler was able to have his picture taken in front of the Eiffel Tower two days after leaving Berlin.
Fucking frogs.
It was about all I could handle seeing all those goddamn snail suckers prancing around the states like cirque sole.
Jesus Christ.
Isn't that what the Golden Globes are for?
Next year, let's just put a bouncy castle full of foreigners off to the side of the stage and be done with it.
Angelina Jolie's proponent leg was the talk of the town.
And I'm not saying that Angelina Tram is angular, but I think an entire nation of young boys just got interested in trigonometric.
What's the deal with these bony broads anyway?
When I was young, well-fed, met well-bred.
Hell, I'd prefer that bridesmaids girl over homewrecker voig any day.
Just my two sets.
But the real parties are after the ceremony.
And that brings us to the Sean Young incident.
I would just like to say, first off, look, we joke a lot on Rip Torn's Hollywood drug tank, making hay out of the substance abuse problems of Hollywood's brightest, as well as the vaguely lucent and almost extinguished.
All in good fun.
But holy shit, this woman has problems.
Sean Young is the Kaiser Soze of batshit Hollywood alcoholics.
A specter rarely seen and never trifled with.
All of us at the Jimmy Dore show and the Hollywood drug tank would love to see the lovely and talented Ms. Young find the help she needs.
But with that said, let's have some fun.
The Johnny Cass B-side notice a girl named Sean decided to fuck up the governor's ball on Sunday night by sneaking in uninvited and slapping a security card when she got caught.
That's how you swig it, sister.
They hauled her ass to jail.
But my girl's no stranger to the hoose cow.
I can attest to that personally.
About 15 years ago, she and I used to run around Hollywood drinking together.
They called us Young and Torn.
One night at Spargo, we were out in the courtyard getting fucked up.
And I dared her to squat over the table next to us and piss all over Jerry Bruckheimer's palm fritz.
She balked.
And I said, quit being a replicant and start being a replicant.
She started laughing so hard she pissed all over herself, ruining the dare.
I stood up.
Everyone saw no pants on, so I started pissing also.
I think it was to make her feel better.
Anyway, there was a commotion.
I seem to remember Terry Garr crying.
And we both ended up in jail.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, those were the days.
I hope she's well.
Sean Young, I mean, not Terry Garr.
Bitch.
Anyway, kitties, this is Rip Torn saying, celebrities, they're just like you, except drunk and fucking beautiful.
I know what's up at the Oscars.
Oh, my God.
And it's Rip Torrance Hollywood drunk take, where we can hear semi-regularly here at the Jimmy Door show.
The most Hollywood wrap-up there is.
I agree.
That's Mike McRae doing a Hollywood drug take.
Great impression.
Great impression.
And right now, guess what time it is?
It's time for the ranty rants.
Paul, you want to do it?
Well, who can follow that?
I thought I grabbed my rant, but apparently I grabbed something that my nephew had written for first grade.
Is it okay if I read this?
Sure.
I guess it was about friends.
He says, Kevin is my friend.
He is nice.
His last name is Miller.
His apartment is fun.
We like to catch the mice.
I asked my mom why we don't have mice.
My mom said we don't have mice because we're not poor.
I asked my dad if we could be poor.
My dad says we will be poor if we don't get rid of Obama.
I asked my friend Kevin if he will help me get rid of Obama.
His mom got very mad.
She said that if we get rid of Obama, there will be even more poor people.
I said that is my plan.
She thought that was funny.
I don't understand why.
I think it's because she's a girl.
All right, I like it.
We got to start out somewhere, Jimmy.
And I figure, why not at the bottom?
Okay, I like it.
I recently read that the Los Angeles City Attorney is trying to close down the pot stores in L.A. This isn't an issue that I follow too closely because I don't smoke pot much anymore.
Not only does it make me paranoid, it also reminds me of every other time it made me paranoid.
But maybe that's just me.
I've heard there are thousands of medical marijuana stores all over Los Angeles.
I hardly ever notice those places, though for some reason, liquor stores jump right out at me.
I don't know much about the medical benefits of marijuana, but I do know that certain hosts of certain podcasts possess medical marijuana cards.
And I, for one, do not want to live in a world where these individuals would not be able to get high every single day.
We would all pay a price, and it's just not worth it.
I do hope President Obama eventually legalizes marijuana, but he probably won't because he's afraid white people will say, you see, that's all they care about.
That's why they invented reggae.
Until then, let's make marijuana easy to get so certain podcast hosts don't run out of it ever and take it out on their writers.
Yay.
Nice job.
Thank you very much, Steve Rosenfield.
Nothing?
No, I do actually.
This is something.
You don't have to wing it if you don't want to.
No, no, no.
This is something I actually really want to say.
Is, you know, one of the things that is driving me crazy about the Republican Party right now Is that they keep saying smaller government, smaller government, and government is getting in the way of small business and innovation.
But if you ever sit down and talk to a small business person, all the regulations that they have problems with are local.
They're all local and state regulations.
And this idea that deregulating the federal government is going to make that a better situation is the biggest canard going.
And I would like to have these people rounded up, put on trains and shot.
Robert Yasamura from Team Yasamura, thank you very much.
I shop at canards.
Yeah.
I save more money at canards.
I did a couple of weeks on the canard cruise lines, which was fun.
But anybody have anything to plug?
Anyone plug anything?
No?
Cinematic Titanic in North and South Carolina next week.
What's the date?
Don't know the exact date.
Look it up at Cinematic Titanic.
Okay, next week, you'll be in North and South Carolina.
Yeah.
Wow.
And by virtue of being in South Carolina, you're in 1941.
Yes.
Surham and Greenville.
And Fort Sumpner.
What's the movies?
Oh, I don't know the movies.
Gone with the Wind.
Why do we think of that?
That would be great.
Okay, that is our show.
Did you enjoy?
Did you have a good time?
Do I have to remind you to come see the show Thursday at Flappers in Burbank, the subversive comedy show?
Do I have to remind you about that?
And what's the passcode?
The passcode is podcast.
See you at Flappers this Thursday.
Okay, March 8th.
Okay, the today's show.
Did you know what?
Today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by who?
Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, Robert Yasamura, Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff.
That's right.
And Paul Gilmartin's nephew.
All those hilarious voices, of course, you know, they're done by Mike McRae.
And you can see him at mikemcrae.com coming to a town near you soon.
Check him out.
And the song at the top of the show, that was from hilarious comedian Karen Kilgariff.
You might know, remember her from Mr. Show.
Karen Kilgariff was a guest on my other show, Comedy and Everything Else, where I interview comedians with Steph and we talk about all things comedy and all other things too.
But that's more of an interview, fun, free, flowing show.
And if you haven't listened to it, take a listen.
Okay, we have lots of, okay, we'll talk about that at another time.
Okay, that's our show.
And I want to take a moment right now to thank two people who donate their time and talents to the show.
Sean James helps us with our Macintoshes, zizzes, and he can help you with your Mac and you have a problem with your Macintosh.
He can fix it over the internet.
I saw him do it.
It's pretty amazing.
How do you get a hold of him?
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
That's how you email him, MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
You spell Sean S-H-A-U-N.
And I want to thank Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
If you haven't seen the video editing work he does, you're missing out on a treat.
He takes the phone calls we do and some of the other bits and he puts video to them in such an interesting, artistic, hilarious way.
It has to be seen to believe.
So thanks to Frank Pulaski at Dreamtime Films for all your video editing.
And that's our show for this week.
So we'll see you at Flappers.
We'll see you on the 24th of March at the Left, Right, and Ridiculous Show at the Improv Lab.
There'll be a link up at jimmydoorcomedy.com for that show.
Hey, thanks for listening.
Did you enjoy it?
Okay, I hope you did.
We'll see you next week.
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