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Jan. 27, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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Hey, Jimmy, it's your favorite southern cooking lady, Paula Dane.
As you may have heard on news, I got diagnosed with a serious case of the sugars.
I've decided to change my lifestyle, right?
Oh, you need that, that cupcake?
I decided to change my lifestyle and my cooking so I exhibit a lifestyle of moderation.
Oh, give me that.
Oh!
Yeah.
Thank you.
You're going to see some serious changes on the Paula Dane show as I deal with the serious condition known as sugars.
What's that, a dust bunny?
Don't catch me every Friday at 3 p.m. on the Southern Cooking Channel or whatever it is that you watch Paula Dane.
And remember, until next time, you ain't you can't have no ding dang fried southern barbecue bird ding dang without home.
Wow.
It's the Jimmy Door Show.
The show for save.
It's unpopular today.
Here's the guy who sounds like me.
It's Jimmy Dorf.
Everybody, and welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and CinematicTitanic.com.
It's Frank Conniff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you?
Hey, Jimmy.
How you doing?
Frank, I'm doing well.
You got a sport coat on today.
Always dress up for radio.
I appreciate it.
Next to him, former writer for the Daily Show, hilarious comedian, it's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve, how are you?
Good, Jimmy.
How are you today?
I'm feeling great.
I'm feeling great.
Next to him from TBS's Dinner and a Movie and the Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hey, Paul.
Hi, Jimmy.
How long are we going to wait for a dinner and a movie to be off the air before we stop using that as a credit?
Until you get another one.
I'm still using my Loretta Young show fan.
Okay, you know what's coming up on today's show?
Well, the debates happened against South Carolina and Florida, and we're going to talk about who's winning them.
Is it the A-hole, the A-hole, the A-hole, or the A-hole?
What about the douche?
Here's a chance.
I know, he's the moderator.
I don't know if you saw the South Carolina debate, but right afterwards, South Carolina passed a referendum saying it's okay to cheat on your wife as long as you're sufficiently racist.
So that helped them with the Newt Gingrich.
Also, Ann Culture is now backing Mitt Romney, trashing Newt Gingrich and sticking up for CNN reporters.
This would be the year to bet on the Cubs to win it all, okay?
Okay, that's what's coming up.
Plus, we're going to have phone calls from Morgan Freeman calls in to talk about getting his Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes.
Plus, we have Herman Kane calls in to let us know what he thinks of what's happening with the Republican presidential field.
Plus, God is going to call in later today.
Really?
Yes, what I call it.
Yeah.
That's it.
It wasn't easy.
It was either him or Buddy Romer.
So that's coming up today on the Jimmy Dorse Show.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, today's Oh My God segment.
Oh my God, did we have a plethora of things to choose from?
I thought I was just going to play some Mitt Romney from the actual debate, but then some other things cropped up on me.
Well, first, before we get into the heavy duty stuff, Rick Santorum, the chair of his Florida campaign is a guy named O'Neill Dozer.
Do you remember O'Neil Dozer, Paul?
He used to be a linebacker for the Chicago Bears.
Do you remember him?
Really?
Yeah, O'Neil Dozer.
And he's an evangelical preacher who hates gays and Muslims even more than Rick Santorum does, which is really saying something.
He runs the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach, Florida.
He said a lot of things about a lot of things.
And let's keep in mind, he's Rick Santorum's chair in Florida.
And the thing that we want to talk about is that he said, I don't have a clip of it.
Believe me, I searched for a recording.
There isn't one available.
He was talking about gays.
And he said, homosexuality was something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit.
Well, he's not doing it right.
Apparently, God ran out of Pepto up in heaven.
And just the gay thing keeps him up chucking.
He's cool with chemical weapons.
That doesn't really sure.
And yet God's a big fan of glee.
Isn't that weird?
What is it with ex-football players that are ministers?
And you remember Reggie White said that the world was in the state that it was in because of rampant homosexuality.
I used to talk about on stage and say, you know, the Bible is a large book with many pages, but really who better to interpret it than a defensive line of very good, Paul.
Very nice.
Well, we're going to move on to another religious guy, Reverend Peter Libera.
Libera.
There was a coalition that includes black pastors and pro-family organizations.
They held a protest outside the headquarters of the Southern Poverty Law Center last week.
Yeah.
They're protesting against the Southern Poverty Law Center.
The religious are now against the Southern Poverty Law Center.
That's the idea of poor people getting representation.
Because the Southern Poverty Law Center was now standing up against gay bigotry.
So they're kind of like the champion of the unchampioned.
And so if you are the underclass or if you are not in the majority, they're going to stand up for you.
I love that the South is leading in the innovation of bigoted variables.
That's in their wheelhouse.
I hate to say that.
What do you mean, big?
They're coming up with new ways to be bigoted.
Now they're bigoted against people that are poor.
It used to just be, well, okay, you know, you go down there, you know, they hate the minorities.
Now they hate the poor people.
But these are the minorities coming together to hate.
These are the religious minorities.
So these are a bunch of black pastors.
Okay, so the rally was organized by Americans for Truth About Homosexuality.
And boy, isn't that some time well spent on that committee, huh?
The group led by La Barbara, who said that gay rights is Satan's plan and Satan's point of attack on the United States.
And he claimed that Oprah Winfrey will have to answer to her creator for promoting homosexuality and wondered if gay TSA agents were deliberately groping passengers.
Or hoping they were.
Okay, so here, so he gave us, so after the rally, he gave an interview, and this is what he had to say after the rally.
The God of the Bible made the human sperm.
The God of the Bible designed it, and it was not designed to be emptied into an area that is filled with feces.
There is nothing for it to germinate with.
It will most certainly mean the extinction of the human race.
My belief is that if the medical community would just step forward and just would share with the American people what happens to the male anus.
The problems that homosexuals have with their rectums, the damage that is done, the operations that are needed to soak up their bodies, if you will, and how many of the men don't even give the stitches time to heal before they're back.
They're out there practicing that wicked behavior.
Some are bleeders, men who are not turned off by ingesting the feces of other men.
If the truth was told, people would literally gag, and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that.
Who wants to practice anything that's going to ultimately lead a grown man to, by the time he's in his 40s or 50s or whatnot, having to wear a diaper or a quote butt club, end quote, just to be able to contain their bowels.
Okay, so wow.
And you know what?
Let me just say all that stuff that he said is true, and he has the pictures to prove it.
He has a real bug up his ass about this stuff.
Well, he certainly has spent a lot of time pondering men's anus.
I mean, he's got to give it to him.
He's like trying to discourage people from being gay for practical reasons.
Your butt will hurt.
You'll have a bleeding erectable itch all the time.
I love how, and they're so crazy that they don't even wait for their stitches to heal.
And they're back out sticking stuff up there again.
And, you know, he's upset because sperm dies in the rectum instead of where it belongs in a woman's hair.
Which is so true.
He must not believe in oral sex either.
No, he mentioned that about men digesting.
Right.
But I guess even between male and female.
I mean, because that's the sperm not supposed to go with the saliva.
No, but it eventually then will wind up in the anus.
It's like that outer ring of the interstate around a city.
It takes a little longer to get there, but eventually it gets to downtown.
Well, he says, it's like the 294.
Exactly.
There's a toll.
Sometimes it's just as wide because they need stitches.
He says that they don't even wait.
Ingesting sperm is bad for your digestive system, but so is Taco Bell.
So what's the talk about vomiting?
Yeah, exactly.
He's just making this sound good, by the way.
Hang on.
Go ahead.
Can you imagine being that guy's kid?
Just every single thing.
You just get the feeling he's got just a vicious diatribe on everything.
He's got everything figured out.
I think the kid you're eventually going to see in the village doing his one-man drag show.
Yes.
Yes.
And I'd never listened.
I love how they always like the gays want there's an extinction of the human race, which is that's what the gays, which is why they're constantly recruiting through the media and closeted evangelists.
So true.
And it's like as if, like, I don't see even with gay, you know, people being more open in society, I don't see men becoming less heterosexual and becoming less interested in getting laid, you know, in the stats of women.
You haven't looked at the stats for him.
Well, I just, I think it's funny, too, that he talks about what happens to a gay man's anus, as if women never engage in anal sex.
Apparently, this guy doesn't own a computer and has tried to do a Google search on anything.
Actually, well, I'll just say, you know, on his behalf, that women, they generally don't engage in anal sex, despite my pleading.
You know, the Bible tells us that all sexual activity that doesn't produce children is disgusting.
And even sexual activity that produces children can be disgusting if it turns out to be this guy.
It does.
Right.
All right.
So we have another, oh my God.
Let's get to it quickly.
That wasn't the oh my god.
That was the oh my god.
That was it.
That was like worth about 100.
Oh my God.
Yeah, that was that was some.
I mean, but that he's not like a fringe guy.
People go, oh, that's the fringe.
He's not a fringe.
What's his name again?
This guy's name is LaBar.
It's Jim Wooden.
And this guy's name is La Barbara.
He's Reverend La Barbara.
So they and they run the Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, run by a game guy named LaBarbara.
And by the way, where's the working title of their group guys?
Just a little too interested in homosexuality.
No kidding, right?
So because I spoke earlier of O'Neill Dozier, he's the one who said that the thought of gayness makes God vomit.
He describes himself as a prayer warrior who faithfully spends time in his own prayer closet and teaches his flock to pray.
And never comes out of it.
Wow.
These are direct quotes.
Okay, so Mitt Romney, this ended up from the debate the other night.
This ended up in the oh my God because, you know, his immigration policy, a little tough.
Mitt Romney says he doesn't want to round people up and deport them.
But he also says that illegal aliens will have to go back to their country of origin to apply for citizenship, which begs the question that this interviewer at the debate asked.
So if you don't deport them, how do you send them home?
Well, the answer is self-deportation, which is people decide that they can do better by going home because they can't find work here because they don't have legal documentation to allow them to work here.
So the people are going to want to go back.
Self-deportation to self-deportation.
Maybe they'll even fly themselves first class.
Who knows?
Self-deportation.
I'm going to open up a jail for people who arrest themselves.
I tell you this much, it won't be overcrowding.
Boom.
There's the joke.
You know, so Mitt Romney, so he's going to make people just voluntarily want to leave the country.
So he's going to make America less hospitable than a third world country.
That's what he's going to do.
Well, if you've watched your GOP debates, they're on their way.
What I want to know is if they self-deport, will they have to sneak past themselves to get back into the country?
Very nice.
This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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Now, here's something that never gets old.
The Republican debate audience, they're supposed to be the most religious, most devout, the most Christian of the Christians, yet they seem to behave in the opposite way that Jesus would.
We've already heard them cheer for more state executions, cheer for letting a sick guy without health insurance die.
And when a black guy pointed out the obvious that Newt Gingrich was racially stereotyping and insulting minorities, a room full of white people responded by booing him.
Then they cheered when a thrice divorced guy who impeached the president over a BJ indignantly refused to answer a question about his own duplicitous and despicable private life.
And in case you're one of the people who are in the market for evidence democracy is a terrible form of government, that mob that shows up the Republican presidential debates seems to fit the bill.
Here's Ron Paul, and he's talking about foreign policy, and he offers what I used to think was Jesus' credo for how to handle other people.
And let's just see how the crowd responds.
My point is, is if another country does to us what we do others, we're not going to like it very much.
So I would say that maybe we ought to consider a golden rule in foreign policy.
Don't do to other nations, but we don't want to unbelievable.
So we endlessly bomb.
Unbelievable.
So they love Jesus, but they hate the golden rule.
That's like loving Chris Christie, but booing seatbelt extenders.
To them, to this audience, the golden rule is lynch thy neighbor.
I mean, this is the clip historians are going to play when they discuss the fall of the American Empire.
And it seems like the perfect message for them, right?
Hey, you guys like Jesus.
They like simple ideas, yet you're booing this one.
Okay.
I wish Ron Paul had gone one step further, like and said something like, hey, how about this for a foreign policy?
We just try not to be dicks.
We want to be dicks.
Jesus didn't annoy an American Supreme Awesome Country of All Time for us not to be dicks to anyone we felt like.
We've earned it.
I've never been so ashamed for a group of people in my life as that moment there.
That is.
Except for at other debate moments.
Yes, except for all the previous debates.
That is jaw-dropping.
I mean, he phrased it in the language of Jesus, and they booed it.
And they booed it.
You know what?
I know you're not supposed to make these comparisons, but the more I watch these Republican debates, and well, the more I watch my own country, you know, we started with us invading Iraq, and then we started torturing people.
We started tapping our own phones without an - now they can indefinitely detain you.
Now we have people in America booing the golden rule.
It makes me realize that it wasn't that hard for Hitler.
It wasn't that hard for him to get people to go along with him.
There's plenty of, just like when I realized, oh, we have to refight the torture debate.
It's like, am I going to wake up tomorrow and find out that I have to give good reasons why rape is bad?
Yes, like that's going to happen.
And if you look at what was happening in Germany when crazy people got elected, a loaf of bread had gone from costing a dollar in Germany to, I think it was either $3 million or $3 billion.
That's how bad inflation was.
Can you imagine how they would turn these people would react if a loaf of bread was $3 million or $3 birth?
How do you think they would react, TePaul?
Start throwing anybody who's not a white Christian.
I don't know how they could get anybody.
To be any more full of hate than they are, but I'm sure they would.
I'm sure they would probably take the law into their own hands.
Okay, so just when you feel like you know what the hell is going on with these crowds, Representative Ron Paul says this.
All we have to do is start another war.
I mean, it's warmongering.
They're building up for another war against Iran, and people can't wait to get in another war.
This country doesn't need another war.
We need to quit the ones we're in.
We need to send the money and bring our troops on.
Okay, so then he says, we don't need another war, and then they cheer that.
Well, what the hell's going on exactly?
Which is it, people, paper or plastic?
Start wars or end wars?
Seriously, Republicans, you're like that girl I dated in college who almost turned me gay, which I now know is silly because you can't turn someone gay.
If you could turn someone gay, then it would have happened to me the first time I saw Jude Law and the talented Mr. Ripley 10 years ago, but it didn't.
And as much as I wanted to love that boy, it's only as a friend.
Okay.
So that's how they handled.
So now here's Newt Gingrich, same debate.
Newt Gingrich.
Now, he's a longtime Christian, right?
Newly converted Catholic.
Here's Newt Gingrich's nuanced idea on handling our myriad enemies.
And let's see how it plays with the Christians.
Ready?
Andrew Jackson had a pretty clear-cut idea about America's enemies.
Killed them.
Okay, it's worth noting that the enemies Andrew Jackson was talking about were largely American Indians.
Yeah, Native Americans, exactly.
But to be fair, he did kill the shit out of them.
Right?
And by the way, you can't just reference a controversial and often misunderstood historical figure and automatically make your argument.
Believe me, if that was possible, Robert Yatsumura has been trying to use Millard Fillmore as a reason for his crazy facial hair for a couple of months now, and it ain't working.
Okay, and let's be clear.
Newt's foreign policy platform is kill them.
That's his foreign puck, kill them.
And the people of South Carolina who came to this debate cheered that.
I say, why even go to debate?
Why not just sit home and hold your Republican t-shirt debate, right?
Because it sounds like t-shirt slogans, right?
Middle show up with kill them.
Santorum will show up with it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Rick Perry's would be bikini inspector.
Well, he's also talking to part of the country that at one point their enemies were the rest of the country.
Yes.
And free and free slaves.
I mean, in South Carolina, of all the debates so far, they come off really as a bunch of simpletons.
After 10 years and two wars, you still think kill him gets the job done.
Kill him gets the job done.
I can't believe Sanford's Appalachian Trail story didn't work on you guys.
You bunch of effing rubes.
Yeah.
It's easier to say that when you have a volunteer army.
Anyway, the military is volunteer, so it's easy to say kill them when nobody knows that.
I mean, when it was Newt's turn to go kill him, he didn't go.
He didn't go.
None of those guys, Janie, ever wanted to.
What do you really mean?
He just signed an order to kill.
Yeah.
Right, right.
So now here's Mitt Romney's talking about foreign policy, how to deal with people.
And he's a little too nuanced, I think.
Here, let's see what he says.
We go anywhere they are and we kill them.
And the right thing for Osama bin Laden was the bullet in the head that he received.
That's the right course for people who kill American citizens.
You know, if you close your eyes, you could swear it was Jesus talking.
Let's listen to it again.
Just think of Jesus.
We go anywhere they are and we kill them.
And the right thing for Osama bin Laden was the bullet in the head that he received.
That's the right course for people who kill American citizens.
You know what?
I like Newt's is much simpler for this audience.
Kill him.
See, Romney's getting, slow down, Professor.
Too many words.
Too many words.
These are the South Carolina Republicans.
They don't understand things like go places or Osama bin Laden.
If you want to expand on Newt's idea, just say something like, kill the Outlanders.
Say something like that.
That would have really got him the support.
Now he gets a little, he digs the hole a little deeper for himself, Mitt Romney.
He gets a little bit more specific.
Here we go.
They asked him because one of his top advisors has said that the Taliban, also our enemy, is also our negotiating partner.
And they said, do you believe we should negotiate with the Taliban and the Afghan war?
And this is what he said.
The right course for America is not to negotiate with the Taliban while the Taliban are killing our soldiers.
Sure, the right course is not to negotiate with the Taliban while they're killing our soldiers.
The time to negotiate is when they've stopped killing American soldiers, and then we can negotiate a ceasefire.
Isn't that how it works?
Yeah.
Everybody stops fighting.
Then we come in and negotiate the end.
They're making army games that children play look nuanced.
That's why the Paris peace talks didn't start till 1995.
Because they wanted to wait till they could start after we've won, then we can negotiate.
Then we started to do that.
No, we don't have to negotiate.
Then we'll negotiate from strength after the war is over.
Steve, you know, you can only negotiate after they've already done everything you want them to do.
That's when you start negotiating.
Unconditional winning.
Is somebody on stage lobbing raw meat into the crowd?
It's literally, there's red meat coming out of.
So, you know, I just want to say, Mitt Romney, that's like, I think he's on the right track.
Let's play it again one more time.
The right course for America is not to negotiate with the Taliban while the Taliban are killing our soldiers.
You know, that don't negotiate while they're killing us.
That's a good idea.
I mean, for the South Carolina people.
They can understand that.
They can appreciate the simple elegance of only negotiating when there's no conflict about which to negotiate.
The same way as the best time to ask for a raise at work is right after they gave you a raise that you're asking for.
Still, stop with all trying to be smart, Mitt.
I just go with less talkie, more killy.
Yeah.
That's what he should do.
I think Mitt feels that we're just now ready to start negotiating with England about the end of the Revolutionary War.
What a better time, though.
We were in a perfect position to do that.
The easiest way to get people to stop killing your soldiers is to pull your soldiers out of their country.
Not until they stop killing us.
That's when we're going to pull them up.
Stop killing us and we'll leave.
See, they want us to leave, so we can't leave.
So we have to stay until okay.
So we have to shift gears before, because we're up against a break.
But I wanted to, last week was the Golden Globes, and Morgan Freeman got a Lifetime Achievement Award.
It was presented to him by Sidney Poitier.
It was, oh, it was very dramatic.
There was dignity flying all over the stage and dignity and character and dignity.
And it was, you know, people have to remind, they're just actors.
They're not actually the people they're portraying.
They're not?
They're just acting.
Like, Morgan Freeman happens to be a despicable human being in a lot of ways.
One way is that he's been sleeping with his granddaughter that he raised with his wife since she was a baby, right?
So he's known her.
Raised her since a baby.
He hasn't been sleeping with her son.
No, we don't know when that started, but he says after she died.
Can I point out something I thought was more outrageous?
Is that in the, and this is true in the entire clip and montage of his work, they didn't include anything from the electric company.
That's true.
They didn't.
They didn't mention the electric company at all.
So, I mean, did that really upset you?
You're not being funny?
No, because that was my first exposure to him.
That was my first time being a fan of him.
It was in the electric company.
That's how he got his granddaughter.
That's how he met the children.
That's the only reason he did it.
He knew he had to get through to her somehow.
Okay.
Well, he actually called in to talk about that, getting that award and getting it from Sidney Poitier.
And so here's what he had to say.
He called me last week, actually.
I didn't play it last week.
I saved it.
Jimmy Doar, this is Morgan Freeman.
Did you see the Golden Globes the night before last?
I won some sort of fancy award.
Lifetime achievement or some such bullshit.
Doesn't matter what it was called.
What matters is that I stood before that esteemed assemblage of extraordinary artists and performers and basked in their love and admiration like some blessed lizard on a comfortable rock on a particularly sunshiny day.
And then I went home and fucked my granddaughter when the inimitable Sidney Poissier presented me with this award.
And we had that exquisite moment of exchange.
I looked him in his eye and he looked back at me.
And we had an unspoken moment of understanding.
He was saying to me with his soul, Morgan, go fuck your granddaughter.
You've earned it.
You see, that is what unparalleled artists get to do.
Horrible, unspeakable things.
Things that would make mortal folks shudder at the very thought.
Like Roman Polanski and what he did.
You know.
If you don't, Google it yourself.
I can't even talk about it without getting aroused.
And I can't get aroused now because my granddaughter isn't home to quench my passion.
Does that bother you?
I don't blame myself.
You see, Mr. Doar, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place, they're capable of anything.
Well, I have to go put this thing on my already overflowing award shelf.
Au revoir.
Okay, our thanks to Morgan Freeman for calling in.
Of course, that's Mike McRae doing a wonderful job in the voices.
And, you know, we do a stand-up show every month here at the Jimmy Door show.
It's called the Subversive Comedy Show.
And we do it once a month at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California.
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We always have great comedians.
And if you'd like to get a pair of tickets to see that show, we're going to give away five pairs right now as a thank you to our listeners.
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If you're calling right now, 818-985-5735-818-985-KPFK.
If you call it right now, we're going to give away a pair of tickets to see that subversive comedy show, February 9th at Flappers in Burbank.
We always have a lot of comedians from the Jimmy Door show.
David Feldman is always on that show.
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So call in right now, 818-985-KPFK, 818-985-5735.
And we're going to set you up with a pair of tickets to come see the subversive comedy show, February 9th.
That's a Thursday, February 9th, at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
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That's 818-985-5735.
Call right now, claim your tickets to see the Subversive Comedy Show, February 9th at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
We're up against a break.
This is the Jimmy Doer show on Pacific.
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Okay, now back to the show.
Okay, we're back on the Jimmy Door show.
I'm joining studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and cinematictitanic.com.
I'm here with Frank Conniff.
Next to him, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
And next to him, from Dinner and a Movie on TBS and the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, which was just chosen, top 10 podcasts of the whole world by the A.V. Onion, Onion AV Club.
Paul, congratulations.
That's quite an honor.
Good for you.
Here's a fun fact.
Did you know the term peanut gallery is from the Howdy Duty show of the 1950s and refers to the audience of children?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I now give you Mitt Romney and the South Carolina debate audience, aka a wooden puppet and screaming children.
He was asked if he would have signed the NDAA bill that Barack Obama just signed, which gave the government the right to indefinitely imprison you without a trial.
And they asked him, would you have signed it?
Here's Mitt Romney's answer.
Yes, I would have.
And I do believe that it's appropriate.
Okay, so they so they booed him.
They booed that he said I would have said I'm like, okay, that's not the whole crowd, by the way.
That's just a hand.
That seems like just a handful of Ron Paul supporters that are there.
So he has more to say.
To have in our nation the capacity to detain people who are threats to this country, who are members of Al-Qaeda.
Look, you have every right in this country to protest and to express your views on a wide range of issues, but you don't have a right to join a group that has challenged America and has threatened killing Americans, has killed Americans, and has declared war against America.
That's treason.
And in this country, we have a right to take those people and put them in jail.
We're not charging with treason.
But you know what I like about that is it's the exact opposite of what the truth is.
That's why I like that.
And then it gets applause.
In fact, you do have the right to join any group you want to in America.
That's why in America, we have the American Nazi Party in the same country that we also have Vegans Against Harsh Words.
That's a thing, right?
Okay.
People cannot be detained and or punished for what they think in America or what they happen to say at a Birch Society quilting bee.
That's why the crime is called providing material support because cheerleading a-holes isn't a crime.
If it was, South Carolina would have become an escape from New York style prison colony a long, long time ago.
And it turns out you don't have the right to just put people who haven't actually committed a crime and put them in jail.
You can't do that, especially without a trial for the crime they never committed.
That's where we get terms like habeas corpus and a fair and speedy trial.
Or as South Carolinians call them, lawyering up and not lynching.
Great to hear him talk about treason in a state that once committed treason.
Oh.
How hilarious.
That's right.
And still celebrate that.
And they still cling to it.
The Confederate flag, a symbol, a symbol of treason against America.
The Confederate flag.
They proudly wave over their state houses and on their belt buckles.
There are more layers of irony there than actually use fracting to get all the irony on the ground.
They are fracking the iron.
They're fracked juice.
They really are.
I was surprised to hear any noise at all when Romney said that.
I didn't know who those people were who were booing unless they didn't hear the question.
People who were booing his support of Obama's law.
Well, because I thought they were booing because he was supporting something Obama.
Obama did.
That was my first reaction.
If Obama likes it, it's wrong.
Well, the reason they asked Mitt Romney this question anyways is because a defining element of any president is how they balance constitutional rights with military security.
And generally, the answer we're looking for is not, well, I'd grossly misunderstand the basic rights contained in the Constitution anyway, so I'd be violating them left and right, but doing it very indignantly and saying Jesus a lot while I'm doing it and pretending that oppressing my own people without a trial is an American value.
But honestly, I think Mitt would have gotten the same applause break had he just said no fat chicks.
And let me just say the reason why that's funny is because that's a horrible thing to say.
But we can imagine those guys saying it and not thinking it's horrible and we're laughing at them.
If he gets elected, it'll be a major breakthrough for unlikable people.
Unlike people who have been oppressed by the people that nobody likes can really get ahead in this world.
Personality-wise, Mitt Romney is a less electric Al Gore.
Yes.
Yes.
He's a more wooden, less authentic, not as funny.
And not as funny, Al Gore.
Okay, now we're going to shift gears.
And I had, I was watching Fox News, and it's crazy.
It's really a crazy election cycle because of the way people came around to supporting Mitt Romney.
You know, Ann Coulter, who famously said this about what was going to happen if Chris Christie didn't run, she said this.
Well, I'll put it in a nutshell.
If we don't run Chris Christie, Romney will be the nominee and we'll lose.
So she said that if we don't run Chris Christie, Romney will be the nominee and we'll lose.
And she said it very matter-of-factly and like, this is just the way it's going to be.
Well, listen to what she's saying now.
She's kind of changed her tune a little.
News Gingrich is the least conservative of these candidates and the least electable.
Fantastic.
But the South Carolina audience loves when he yells at John King for making a perfectly legitimate opening question here.
I mean, the question about his ex-wife, one of three, had just been on TV or was going on TV that night to claim that Newt Gingrich wanted an open marriage.
I don't care who you are.
We are talking about someone running for president of the United States.
Of course, that needs to be asked.
John King is a completely fair reporter, an honorable reporter.
He isn't going to leave the question hanging out through the whole debate.
And Newt Engrich goes back to the well of attacking the media.
And I resent that because the liberal media is a real thing.
Okay.
So that's Ann Coulter.
That's Ann Coulter.
I don't think she's speaking as a conservative.
I think she's just speaking at another woman who's grossed out by Newt Gingrich.
I thought she was speaking as a woman who wants her own show on CNN.
Well, how weird that she's supporting CNN reporters.
He's a perfectly legitimate reporter.
I mean, you guys will say anything.
They're willing to risk telling the truth on Fox News in order that Newt Gingrich doesn't become president.
It's really, when I see Ann Coulter, I just think it's a shame Hitler never lived to see his ideal woman.
Wow, wow.
And she's also upset.
She's upset about the voters in South Carolina.
She's upset about those people we were just making fun of.
Listen to what Ann Coulter has to say about him.
I mean, if people are snowed by Newt Gingrich calling himself the most conservative, despite the fact that's demonstrably false, but they don't want to spend three seconds reading about what his positions are.
They just want to hear him call Obama socialist.
She's upset that the Republican voters aren't reading enough.
She's upset.
She's expressing frustration and anger over the Republican primary voter being ignorant and uninformed on the issues.
So now Ann is getting a taste of how it feels when dummies actually vote against your candidate instead of for your candidate.
Welcome to my world, Ann.
She, that was so harsh.
It was as if she was implying that they all read her books.
It's unbelievable.
Hey, you know what, Ann, don't worry.
As idiotic as those voters seem now, they'd have to get a whole lot dumber to nominate Newt, right?
I don't think that's they're just bluffing.
They are fluffing.
She's annoyed that the GOP voters can't see through Newt Gingrich.
Yet she thought Chris Christie was their only hope.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, she said if we elect Romney, we'll lose.
And if also if Chris Christie doesn't change his diet, he's going to lose his leg.
The great fat hope.
He's a large man, was the point I was making with that one.
You know, I think what you're getting at, Frank.
I think Ann Coulter is just splitting hair.
You know, this is really splitting hairs, arguing about which candidate is best prepared to lead the Republicans over a cliff.
I really think which one is it?
I think either of them.
You know, the thing is, is honestly, is, you know, all of us seem, and all of my friends and people who were like-minded people, we all seem to have this disdain and distaste for Newt Gingrich.
But it seems like the people who really hate Newt Gingrich are the Republicans who worked with him in the House.
Everyone who knew him.
Anyone who's interacted with him or had any kind of dealings with him really hate him.
Yes.
Yeah, the case.
Anyone who's been literally or metaphorically been fucked by him.
Yes.
Yes.
So like that would include his ex-wives.
I mean, it's as if like for like the congressmen and the people, it's like when you talk about a boss that you worked with who was the biggest jerk and just made your life miserable.
It's like that's the way they talk about Newt Gingrich.
And, you know, let's not forget that his entire campaign staff quit a couple of months ago.
But now they seem to be regretting it because now he's in the lead.
But who knew he could get in the lead without actually running a campaign?
And the only reason he's in the lead is because that's how much people hate Mitt Romney.
It has nothing to do with the campaign he's running.
It has nothing.
I mean, he did serve himself well in that South Carolina debate.
Like he came out when they asked him about his marriage and his wife coming on TV and he pretended that he pretended he had the right to be indignant over that question.
How dare you start a presidential debate off?
Don't you remember I'm the guy who impeached the guy over at BJ?
How dare you bring that into presidential politics?
And John King didn't have a comeback for it.
I mean, if you're going to ask that question, you have to ask that question in the right way.
Okay, it's time for me to give you one more reminder about the subversive comedy show coming up February 9th.
That's a Thursday at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California.
We always have the best stand-up comics in Los Angeles on the show.
I'll be on that show coming up February 9th.
David Feldman TV's Frank Connifa.
Lots of other hilarious people.
If you call right now, 818-985-KPFK, 818-985-5735, we're going to give away a pair of tickets, five pairs of tickets to see that show February 9th at Flappers.
It's always a great comedy show.
Past performers include Mark Marin, Doug Benson, Bill Burr, Todd Glass, David Feldman.
So come call right now.
We're going to give a couple of pairs of tickets away to see that show Thursday, February 9th at Flappers in Burbank.
818-985-KPFK, 818-985-5735.
Call now and we'll see you February 9th.
And now let's get back to the Jimmy Doer show where I'm joined in studio by Frank Conner from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and by Steve Rosenfield, former writer for The Daily Show and from Dinner to Movie on TBS.
It's Paul Gilmartin, and we're talking about the Republican debates.
Okay, so I'm going to shift gears just a little bit.
And Rick Santorum, who Ed Schultz says he respects him because he believes, he says, Rick Sam Torum believes his message and he really is consistent.
Well, here's a clip of him being asked a question.
This is just from like two days ago in Florida.
So here's, so just listen to the ladies' question and let's see how Rick, Mr. I Love Jesus, Mr. Integrity, Mr. I'm going to do the hard thing when they when I'm supposed to.
I'm not going to do the popular thing.
Let's see how he handles this.
Okay, here we go.
I never refer to Obama as President Obama because legally he is not.
She just said, I never refer to President Obama as President Obama because legally he is not.
Who is this woman?
Just somebody asked me a question.
I was at a campaign event.
Campaign Stop.
Rick Santorum now.
And what he's doing is laughing and smiling and everyone's applauding.
He constantly says that our Constitution is passe and he totally ignores it, as you know.
He does what he darnworld pleases.
He is an avowed Muslim.
And my question is, why isn't something being done to get him out of our government?
He has no legal right to be calling himself president.
Yeah, I'm doing my best to try to get him out of the country.
And you're right about how he uniformly ignores the Constitution.
He did this with these appointments over the whole reason.
Okay, so he just goes on from there.
He doesn't address her.
Remember when John McCain corrected that woman?
At least even John McCain, who picked Sarah Palin to ruin our country.
John McCain stopped that woman and said, No, ma'am, he's not an Arab.
So, first thing Rick Sorms just said was, Well, you're right.
Couldn't wait to tell that woman she was right.
Couldn't wait.
He's just like, Well, and his defense to that is, it's not my place to tell people they're wrong.
Right.
That's what he sounds like David Gregory.
Even when it's a fact, even people have opinions, but that's a fact.
You know, Herman Cain called me the other day because we haven't heard from Herman Cain in a long time.
I worry about him.
Me too.
So here's what he had to say.
Yeah, Herman, I power.
Oh, man, what the fuck?
How?
What's that sound?
Okay, it's over now.
God damn.
Is that your fax machine?
It sounded like it.
You've gotten really good at hanging up on my ass.
You mastered that technology.
Quit showing off.
So, Herman, I saw you had a rally last Thursday or last Saturday in South Carolina.
What was it called?
It was called the Rock Me Like a Hurricane Rally.
No, no.
Stephen Colbert.
It was called The Rock Me Like a Herman Cain.
That's what I said.
You said, Rock Me Like a Hurricane.
Oh, I'm just a fan of the scorpions.
Okay, now, Herman, now you were on stage with Stephen Colbert.
Do you like him?
Of course I do.
Stephen Colbert is great.
He's everything I would want in a presidential candidate.
He wants more money in politics.
He's not cool with the gays.
And he's not that comfortable with blacks either.
He's just like Bill O'Reilly, except he's willing to run for president.
Now, Herman, you yourself are black.
So why would you?
Only for sexual purposes.
Okay.
It's not, you know, it is what it is.
It does what it does.
Now, Steve Colbert is, he's actually for he wants more, he's actually forget money out of politics.
No, he's not.
Have you seen the show?
Yeah, I've seen his show.
He's got a super PAC, just like my last mistress.
You know what I mean?
No.
Oh, Jimmy, you should have seen her super PAC while she was walking away.
It gave itself a round of applause.
Okay, Herman, listen.
Now, you know, Stephen Colbert.
Colbert is.
You know, go on.
Stephen Colbert is playing a character.
He's playing the character of an American patriot.
Now, Herman, you called that press conference because you wanted to endorse someone.
You had a big announcement.
And who did you end up endorsing?
I did.
I wanted to tell the country what my endorsement was.
And I decided to endorse the people.
We the people for president.
Well, Herman, that doesn't make any sense.
You know that the people, all the people can't serve as president.
Well, you see, Jimmy, I believe in democracy.
That's what's great about our nation.
But I love it so much, I want to go beyond representative democracy and be a direct democracy.
So everyone will be president.
Oh, Herman, that doesn't make any sense.
Everyone can't be president.
Okay, then how about just me then?
I'm included in that.
We the people.
That covers my black ass, too.
See what I was doing there.
Oh, okay.
So you really just want to be president yourself again?
Yeah, I do.
I can't lie to you, Jimmy.
Oh, well, you know what?
I'm playing around and doing rallies with some cracker from Comedy Central, endorsing everybody in the country.
Obviously, I'm joking around.
I want to be president.
Okay.
And I will be president if it weren't for all these lying women.
Hey, what did you think of that crowd in South Carolina debate?
They booed Ju Williams when he was asking Mitt Romney to be a little more sensitive to black people.
How did you take that?
Well, they were born because a Latino gentleman such as Juan Williams has no business trying to stand up for black folks.
We can stand up for ourselves.
That's what that was about.
Jimmy, you think I can get back in?
Yeah, I think I'll miss it, man.
I think they would.
I'll miss it.
I know.
I think they would embrace you with open arms now.
I can go back in, right?
You can go back in, sure.
Get some super PAC money and go in.
It's like I was at a hot tub.
I just went out to get beer and I can't come back in.
That's all it is.
That's all it is.
You got to help me.
What can I do?
You got to help me get back in.
How can I help you?
I'll do whatever.
Just get back in.
I need more money.
Can you raise the money?
No.
For me?
No, I have to raise it.
You guys are rolling in dough.
Public radio, that's where the money's at.
I heard you guys have a comedy block on Friday now.
You got David Feldman, Demi Dorr, and the Pocho Hauer.
Is Juan Williams in that?
What about William Carlos Williams?
He and that?
What about Burrito Supreme?
Is he in that?
That's a wrestler who wears a mask.
A comedy block on Friday.
Think how much money you must be making.
You got to be able to donate some of that money to my campaign.
Between you and David Feldman alone, you guys are rolling in the dough.
I know you.
You don't know.
A couple of famous comedians doing the show.
Right, right.
I heard that you have so much money with your show now.
You could afford to take all of your riders, all four of them, out to the corner shop for turkey sandwiches and a side of potato soup.
And you tell me you don't have enough money to create a super pack for me.
I bet one of those dudes is a vegetarian.
He ain't going to eat that sandwich.
You know what, Herman?
I don't even feel comfortable talking about racism.
Don't worry, they're probably trying to fix the antenna right now, and this ain't even going out to nobody.
No, actually, they fixed the antenna.
They actually, I got word through an email that they've installed a backup transmitter.
So now if the transmitter goes down, there's a backup.
So there you go.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Wow, you got updated all the way to 1957.
Well, what's next?
You get a compact disc player there, too?
So what is that like funny, Jesus?
How do they even work?
Oh, you're hilarious, Herman.
That's the magic of radio.
Oh, It's great.
All right, Jimmy.
Well, I tell you what, we're going to work it out.
What are we going to do?
You're going to do the pack for me, and we're going to have a good time.
Okay, Herman.
I still, I miss you because I appreciate a guy who can wear sunglasses while giving a political speech, and no one cares.
I miss you too, Jimmy.
And yes, I wear sunglasses and my Indiana Jones hat.
And everyone takes me seriously.
Ain't that some shit?
Yes, it is.
Let's see Newt Gingrich go up there trying to do a speech like that.
Get out of here.
Come on.
First of all, hat.
I bet his hat sizes.
I know.
Yeah.
Big old puff marshmallow man looking motherfucker.
I was going to say that.
But I said it first.
The only way to beat Newt Gingrich is across the streams.
Oh, I got you.
That's a ghostbusters, Joe.
Yes.
Don't worry.
The people listening will get it, even if you don't.
No, I got it.
I said I got it.
And then you explained it for me, and you'd have to.
Oh, I ain't no good comedian like you, Jimmy Dore.
Oh, no, you're great, Herman.
Don't kid yourself.
Oh, I'm no comedian.
I'm a man of the people.
I am a leader, not a reader.
That's all you need to know about me.
I'm telling you, Jimmy, running for president, a campaign, it's like white women.
Once you get a taste, you can't stay away.
I need it.
It's like a fix.
I'm going to have to run.
If I can't get back in here, I'm going to have to run for the president of some other country just to keep my buzz going.
Now that Haley Barber retired, I'm going to run for the president of Mississippi.
You can't run for you.
You run for the governor of Mississippi.
Oh, those people are so dumb.
They don't know what you can do.
Okay.
All right, Herman.
Thanks for your time.
Hey, anytime, Jimmy Dore.
You sit back behind me, Herman Kane 2012 and a half.
Okay.
Okay.
And we'll check in with you on Super Tuesday to see what you have to say.
I have plenty of nonsensical analyses to share with you.
Okay.
Thanks, buddy.
Bye.
Okay, that was Herman Kane.
I'm glad he's still calling in to the show.
Well, guess what?
We've come to that time of the show where it's our end of show rant, right?
And we're going to start off with Paul Gilmartin and his rant because he gave some thought to it, which I like.
Ready, Paul?
Go ahead.
Yeah.
My rant is about Newt Gingrich trying to align himself with Reagan, calling himself, calling him Reagan, his hero.
He says he looks up to Reagan, promises that he will be like Reagan if given power.
Are you shitting me?
You're 68.
Time's up.
You blew it.
You're not a wide-eyed junior congressman with hopes and dreams.
You have a track record.
You had a shot to be Reagan-like, and you weren't.
Maybe it's easier to look up to Reagan because then you don't have to look down at all the people you've shit on over the years, like gay people and your ex-wives.
That's your track record.
That's your consistency, ending other people's desire to be married.
So stop all this.
I'm going to be like Reagan bullshit.
It doesn't make you buddies with Reagan just because both of you turned a blind eye to the first eight years of AIDS.
I don't know much about Reagan, but I know for sure he wasn't hated so much by his own party that they asked him to leave office.
You've had your day in the sun, and you've showed us who you are, a bully, a millionaire bully lobbyist pig at the trough who blames our nation's ills on janitors.
Shame on you.
Now go sweep the floor with your old man balls.
Paul, how do you really feel about Newt Gingrich?
All right.
Steve, do you have anything?
Well, I didn't know that this was going to be a written.
So I didn't really know.
Just an or just an oral.
The honor student over here.
His little paper.
That's good.
I am available for comedy writing jobs, though.
I just want to make that clear.
If you like what you've heard tonight, today, then thanks.
Steve Rosenfield and get in touch with me.
Okay.
Thank you, Steve.
Is that your rant?
Yeah, I'm pretty much done.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's go over to you, Frank.
My rant is something I just thought of.
And if I do say so, it's pretty brilliant.
Okay.
My rant is what Paul said.
Well, that everything he said.
You know what?
I think that was a rant.
Double for you.
That was rant enough for all of us.
Yes.
Imagine how good a show would be if we all did a rant like this.
Boy, it would be a full show almost.
Okay.
Today's show was written by Steve Rosenfield, Steph Samurano, Robert Yasamura, Frank Conniff, and Mike McRae.
Today's show is produced by me.
And if you missed any part of today's show, you can always get a podcast of the Jimmy Doer show for free at iTunes or at my website, jimmydoorcomedy.com.
And you spell my last name, D-O-R-E.
And I want to take a moment to thank a couple of people who donate their time and talents to the show to make it happen.
Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
He takes some of the comedy bits we do on the show and he puts video to them and they are fantastic.
And you can see him up at my YouTube page and up at my Facebook page.
And right now, I want to thank Sean James for helping us out with all our computer problems.
He's a Mac genius.
And if you have any Macintosh problems, he can help you.
He can be reached at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
And you spell Sean, S-H-A-U-N.
Okay, that's our show for this week.
Thanks for listening.
I'll see everybody February 9th at February 9th at Flappers in Burbank.
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