Before we get to the God Wheel, we look for Christmas card volunteers, honest tourism, and the new “uneducated” criticism MAGA Extremists are getting. Then, God encourages us to mock feminists, examine incompetence, and have a good laugh at Joy Reid’s smoke detector.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| If anybody knows, it's all about the fuck that's the way it goes. | |
| All over America, all over U.S. Live from New York. | |
| It's Get Off My One with Kevin McKinnon. | |
| Election is over. | |
| Everyone can see the president of your country. | |
| *music* | |
| Donald Trump is president of your country. | |
| Can we just recolonize the Caribbean, please? | |
| Hey, Jamaica. | |
| You tried. | |
| It didn't pan out. | |
| Fucking Kingston in 1950 was paradise. | |
| The only country that's half decent in that fucking entire area is, what is it, Bermuda? | |
| Barbados, whatever the British one is. | |
| Destroy that. | |
| One more time. | |
| Destroy that. | |
| Well done. | |
| The sound effect and hitting that button at the same time. | |
| There's two different buttons. | |
| It's very hard. | |
| Very hard. | |
| Every time Ryan fails, he wants you to know how hard it is, the thing that he was asked to do. | |
| It's also the first time. | |
| I think there should be some forgiveness. | |
| Two excuses. | |
| Excuses, Rivera. | |
| Oh, I forgot my jewelry. | |
| What's your excuse? | |
| It's hard to remember to wear rings. | |
| Yes. | |
| Speaking of excuses, I can't get over this. | |
| So last night, see if you can pull this up, Jamie. | |
| I said, you know what would be funny, you guys? | |
| When the drones are landing, let's be as gobsmacked as them and not say anything. | |
| So Maddie was there. | |
| Okay. | |
| So when the drones are landing, just go like, maybe you can make it sound like, oh, uh-oh. | |
| Uh-oh. | |
| At the most. | |
| That's at the most. | |
| I prefer nothing. | |
| So we'll be silent for maybe a minute. | |
| And I introduced the whole thing. | |
| I go, guys, we're going to do our first comedy bit, okay? | |
| We've never done this before as a troop. | |
| We are now a sketch comedy troop. | |
| Cops and a felon doing comedy. | |
| Got it? | |
| And they're like, yeah, yeah. | |
| Calm down, McInnes. | |
| And I go, I have a weird feeling that someone is not getting this. | |
| But Maddie was there. | |
| Everyone was there. | |
| Everyone agrees. | |
| It comes time for the drone. | |
| Everyone nails it except me. | |
| The guy on meth. | |
| Oh. | |
| The guy on meth makes a mean lasagna. | |
| He doesn't participate. | |
| And when he's like that, by the way, if you notice he can't answer a fucking question, he's like, fucking a pound of meth is like $100. | |
| And I go, I don't know if that's good or bad. | |
| And he goes, well, let me put it this way. | |
| When I was doing it in the early aughts, you know, you could buy two bags for eight bucks. | |
| And I'm like, is that more or less? | |
| And he goes, eight bucks? | |
| I'm like, you started with a pound. | |
| And I was sitting with him. | |
| I was like, dude, how much is a pound today versus how much is the exact same amount in 2005? | |
| And he's like, it depends. | |
| I almost said, I sound like I'm talking shit about Maddie. | |
| I'm not. | |
| I love the guy. | |
| But it's almost like I had said, how would you have felt if you didn't have breakfast yesterday? | |
| It was infuriating. | |
| Okay, so let's go back. | |
| I hate explaining jokes, but this is just worth it because if you watch, you can see me go. | |
| Let's hope and watch with bated breath and make sure it works. | |
| They got the 18 right there. | |
| Shut up. | |
| Here we go. | |
| Yeah, could we have it land back into the dock? | |
| Yep. | |
| Now watch. | |
| Let's say that the drone has finished its mission. | |
| It's mission. | |
| It's going to return back to home base. | |
| He just gender. | |
| As you can see, the docks are opening up. | |
| It's going to land back into its cradle point. | |
| It's going to close and it's going to charge and it's going to get ready for the next mission. | |
| Want to land it? | |
| Please shut up, Matty. | |
| Everyone's nailing it. | |
| So I want to say that the lasers connect. | |
| Oh, wait a minute. | |
| John's a really good actor. | |
| You know what? | |
| Yeah, John's doing a great job. | |
| But you know what's funny about this? | |
| If Maddie wasn't listening to me when I said, let's pretend to be stupefied by the drone, if he wasn't listening, then why aren't you talking? | |
| You know what I mean? | |
| If he's not playing the character, then he's being a fucking character. | |
| There's a half-measure behind. | |
| Yeah, I was like, let's look like stupid idiots. | |
| He didn't listen to that and then acted like a stupid idiot. | |
| With the actual drone, it will safely land back into his drone station. | |
| And this is what's happening throughout those five precincts that we said earlier today. | |
| The 6-7, the 7-5, the 7-1, the 4-8 precinct, and now Central Park precinct has officially come online. | |
| Look at that. | |
| Touchdown. | |
| There's no Elon Musk. | |
| I was saying they better get it right. | |
| So there, Ryan is killing Maddie's mic and putting his own face there. | |
| I hadn't killed the mic at this point, but I did switch to my face to maybe show him. | |
| He's like, where did I go? | |
| And then he looks at me and he says, oh, I get it. | |
| We're being dazed. | |
| Or else what? | |
| Let it get that photo. | |
| Yeah, there we go. | |
| Go back. | |
| Much meat. | |
| Or else what? | |
| Let it get that photo. | |
| Go in his side. | |
| and he just wants his photo op fish Disappointed. | |
| Disappointed. | |
| But like a smiley disappointment. | |
| Look at that touchdown. | |
| Anyway, fantastic, lasagna. | |
| Looking forward to that, MSLK. | |
| Did a great job. | |
| You just get this one face. | |
| Where's my phone? | |
| Do I have my phone? | |
| Look at my fucking phone here. | |
| How maddy is that? | |
| Where's my fucking phone? | |
| Like, do I have to hold your face and go, here's the bit. | |
| We're not going to say anything during the drone segment. | |
| Got it? | |
| Yes, I got it. | |
| You know, some weird shit is going on with cops in New York. | |
| That's enough of that. | |
| They're getting worked to the bone. | |
| My theory is, competence crisis, they had this huge push for multicultural rookies. | |
| And they also annihilated the top brass, right? | |
| During COVID, they did this with the FDMY, too. | |
| They said, if you don't have the vaccine, you're out. | |
| They didn't really care about the vaccine. | |
| They wanted a clean house so they could chocolateify the administration. | |
| And they did a great job, if that's what you're into. | |
| So it's all affirmative action hires, and the machine is not running. | |
| And at the same time, you said, cops suck, fuck the police, defund the police. | |
| So no one's applying but total fucking fat losers, zeros, and little tiny Latinas with big fat bubble butts. | |
| And they're not working. | |
| So you have a detective who's on a job like he found out who shot JFK. | |
| Major deal. | |
| A fucking girl's murdered. | |
| And he's near the case. | |
| Oh, we need you for the Puerto Rican Day parade. | |
| So he has to dust off his old uniform. | |
| What? | |
| And then just stand there by a port-a-potty for 18 hours of overtime. | |
| And they're burning out these detectives. | |
| The only detectives that are left are guys who genuinely want to put rapists and pedophiles and murderers in jail. | |
| Those guys are being sent to bullshit footposts and given, and they're working 60 hours a week. | |
| And now they're trying to cap overtime too. | |
| So, dude, the fucking NYPD is about to snap. | |
| It's like Scotty's in the back room going, the engine's gotty holder, Captain Gunk. | |
| I don't watch that fucking show. | |
| And then we have all these Dems realizing that they're about to be kicked out on their ass. | |
| So they're trying to maximize, just like cops maximize their overtime when they're last year, these fucking politicians are trying to maximize their money grabs before the second coming. | |
| Before second coming of Christ, I guess is what I just said. | |
| Before go to 2-7. | |
| This is what Hochl, the governor of New York, is trying to avoid and what they're all doing for the next two months. | |
| 2-7? | |
| Oh, there's 2-2-7s. | |
| My bad. | |
| Yes. | |
| You're fired. | |
| And in case your ears are fucked, get the fuck out! | |
| That's how Compound Media sees me sitting down with them and saying it's not working anymore. | |
| I was really trying to be nice. | |
| Just be honest. | |
| Purple Works Nutrition. | |
| Today's a free episode. | |
| Welcome aboard. | |
| Freeloaders, we're happy to have you once a week for a brief amount of time. | |
| The problem with being a freeloader is you don't know when I'm going to drop the guillotine. | |
| You don't know when you're going to become beheaded. | |
| At any moment now, I could just say we're going behind the paywall. | |
| It must be hell. | |
| If you were to spend whatever it is now, $12 a month, you could have unlimited fantastic content and you know what's going on. | |
| You stay informed. | |
| But in order to provide it for you for free, we have to go with Purple Works Nutrition, which I am not on today. | |
| I didn't take it. | |
| Hey, pull up that beta-alanine thing you did with JD Vance because I thought I was the only one who experienced this. | |
| What are those called? | |
| Those things that feel like ants in your skin? | |
| Oh, that's the beta-alanine, but they're just the prickles. | |
| I call them the prickles. | |
| Beta-alanine. | |
| So when you take this, you have like 10, 20 minutes to get to the gym, and you better hurry up because you get these tingles, these little ants in your skin. | |
| And when you start working out, the ants turn into power. | |
| But if you don't work out, you're sitting at your desk with ants in your pants. | |
| When I took my pre-workout a little too early in the beta alanine answer eating me alive while I'm in the gym. | |
| *Crying* | |
| You know what's a trip? | |
| If you almost get into a car accident on this shit, I'm not advertising it very well. | |
| I don't know if Purpleworks is happy about this cell, but it's like you just miss someone. | |
| They like flare up. | |
| Yeah, and you get this woove. | |
| Because your heart is pumping extra blood. | |
| So you get this woove. | |
| Like you become a goosebump. | |
| It's like someone hit the anthill at the base of your spine and you just go, but yeah, it's a great way to rape yourself into going to the gym. | |
| I take the new shit, that purple stuff, Iver, what's it called? | |
| Iver. | |
| I'm thinking I was going to say. | |
| Invictus. | |
| That's my shit. | |
| I like it better than the previous stuff. | |
| I don't know why. | |
| It just tastes better, goes down better. | |
| And you can control the dose. | |
| They say a scoop, that's a lot. | |
| If you don't want to feel too fucking wired, then just do like a teaspoon. | |
| But over the weeks, you'll get to figure out what your ideal dose is. | |
| And you also, like, I'm hungover. | |
| I didn't sleep much last night. | |
| I'm going to give myself a little extra boost. | |
| This eye looks wrinkly with this lighting, Ryan. | |
| I don't look this bad usually. | |
| And I look fine here. | |
| You know what? | |
| That's a reflection. | |
| I go here, and I have bags under my eyes, and then I go here, and they're gone. | |
| I'm seeing a reflection from the desk in one of your glasses. | |
| Both of them, actually. | |
| It looks like a wrinkle, but that's a reflection that I'm seeing. | |
| See that? | |
| It doesn't move? | |
| It's like two stripes that are warping out of the gun. | |
| But they're there. | |
| Nope, that's not true. | |
| That's your third mistake today. | |
| But it could it might not be the desk in front of it. | |
| Yeah, purple quick. | |
| Can you use purple code for 15% off? | |
| Is it free shipping? | |
| I feel like it might be free shipping. | |
| I don't remember. | |
| But anyway, this isn't something where I'm being paid to say shit. | |
| This is something I actually use just like this suit because I like what they got in court in Animal House. | |
| Can you make this for me? | |
| Certainly, sir. | |
| And then I have the Animal House suit, which I would contribute, which nobody gets to have to explain it to people, I guess, because that movie is from 1979 or some shit. | |
| But not only do they provide you with incredible high quality, incredibly high quality. | |
| You can also throw them a curveball and say, I want a Jesse game suit or something like that. | |
| So these are both things that I actually use and genuinely care about. | |
| All right. | |
| Also with important news. | |
| I need your help, folks. | |
| My Christmas card theme this year is pretty ambitious. | |
| We have a different theme every year. | |
| We've been under the witness protection program. | |
| We have been speaking worshippers. | |
| We have been I don't think we've been new to this yet. | |
| Last year we were working class from the sponsors of the splendid from Croydon. | |
| And my wife was a group of sons were boxers. | |
| And my daughter was like pregnant and smoking a cigarette or something. | |
| And when the other two were neglected in the background eating from a spam can. | |
| Anyway, this here is sister wives. | |
| I have several wives. | |
| It's not going to be sexual. | |
| It's going to be very religious. | |
| Whatever the I guess that's the Mormons. | |
| So we're going to be Mormons. | |
| You know, a handkerchief skirt. | |
| And just dressed in a weird sweater or some shit. | |
| But I don't know any chicks. | |
| So please, if you're within the Westchester area, I'll pay you $100. | |
| I'll pay for your transportation. | |
| I don't want you to be too hot. | |
| No offense. | |
| Like, if it's this incredibly sexy 21-year-old girl with perfect hits, now the joke is like a sex thing. |