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April 5, 2024 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
52:54
S5E75 - WE KNOW WHAT A JELLYBEAN IS (FREE PART)

  Urban decay is everywhere, you keep sending us the same videos, young people need to man up, and some people still don't know what a number two looks like.

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Time Text
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the free episode of Get Off My Lawn.
It's free for a little while, up to my discretion.
So you don't know when I'm going to cut you off.
Could be in 10 minutes.
Right, Ryan?
Could be now.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
That's a band called Kevelertak.
Kevelertak's a Norwegian heavy metal band from Stavanger, formed in 2007.
You know who's also Norwegian?
Whom?
Nobody.
Interesting.
Nobody is Norwegian.
A friend of mine, Dexter, he's also Norwegian.
He's from Norway?
No.
Yeah.
It's like pigeons.
You never see a baby pigeon?
I think their women are attractive.
And if you agree, you're a rape apologist.
Because their women are attractive because they stole all of ours.
That's why women in Scotland are so ugly.
Because these fuckers took all the hot ones.
But my problem with the Vikings is they have so many little things on their letters.
Like little umlots, and the O's are zeros crossed out.
And fucking, what do you call those?
Umlots and Schlinkenflakens.
Schlinkenflakens, they do have a lot.
I said that to him.
We got a baby monster sending us a letter and I was like, your name has too much shit on it.
And he's like, I said, why is your language like that?
And he goes, so we can differentiate all the shit we took from you or something.
Oh, okay.
They didn't take that much shit, did they?
They took a lot of chicks.
But we didn't have that much shit back then.
We were like pagans with leprosy living in a tree.
But that song, go back to that song.
It's really cool and they're a great band.
Just kidding, Norwegians.
But it's got this heavy breakdown in the middle there.
Oh, good drop.
Stops.
Did you catch that?
Go back a little bit more to the moon.
before that The song is not over.
Who made this song A24 Studios?
This is very Midsommar.
That's a cool thing to do to your song.
My head's cropped.
Speaking of heavy metal and the apocalypse, we've got a thing on today's show about urban decay.
Remember we used to be able to make fun of Philadelphia all the time for being a disgusting shithole full of junkies?
Sorry, that's every city in North America right now.
Philadelphia is New York City, is Toronto, is Albuquerque, is Indiana.
They all look the same.
Brutal violence of all races.
Junkies asleep on fentanyl on the train.
Cadavers just on the train.
People dragging cadavers out of subways because they're going to be late for work if they wait for the EMTs who are incompetent now and are going to take an hour and a half to get there.
So what do you do if there's an apocalypse?
Well, you've got to get ready for it.
And a good way to be ready is to have some currency that is not reliable, not beholden to the feds.
On March 11th, the emergency funding for banks, the bank term funding program expired.
This means that there are no funds for failing banks and other banking crisis could very well be upon us.
Another one.
Prices have been insane at the grocery store and the gas station and now the Baltimore Bridge collapse could have even more long-term supply chain repercussions.
We've been taking some bets on what that bridge is going to be called when they rebuild it, if they rebuild it.
And I think George Floyd is in the running by about 80%, the George Floyd Bridge.
You get handed counterfeit 20s when you cross instead of having to pay a toll, so that'll be handy.
Although pregnant women get a pistol whipped if they cross the bridge.
Additionally, China and Russia, I probably shouldn't add controversial jokes into the middle of an ad read.
That's not what they pay for.
Additionally, China and Russia have convinced much of the world to use their currencies to purchase oil instead of the U.S. dollar.
That is a huge deviation from the U.S. petrodollar that has been dominant since post-World War II.
This exodus from the U.S. dollar means we'll have to print money out of thin air and cause even more inflation.
The economy will suffer.
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Elliot!
That movie came out when I was 45 years old.
So you're the guy from E.T.?
No, no.
Heavens, I saw it when it came out.
But I'm glad that I invested in it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Old guy.
Ryan has a new character he's working on who is old.
He's a guy, too.
Old guy.
Speaking of Ryan, I understand you have a new website out, 1-1.
I'm not excited about it.
It's called RyanisAnnoying.com.
this up at all?
You probably should have...
That's what the song says.
That's when your dad pieced out.
So you probably should have bought that URL about 35 years ago.
RyanisAnoying.com.
That's true.
Have you seen this yet?
Well, there's a lot of Ryan's.
There's even like a Ryan.
Well, scroll down.
Let's see if this is a specific Ryan.
That's the whole site there, Gev.
Nope.
If you scroll down, you'll see dedicated to the mayor of Gaytown.
Okay, that looks a lot like me.
Mayor of Gaytown, president of Fagville.
I remember running for office.
What's the last one?
Chairman of the Chairman of the Chairman.
Well, it's in Jamaica.
Chairman of the gay.
I don't care about Palestine.
I still don't care about Palestine.
I vacation in Jamaica, but I just sit down mostly.
So they call me the Chairman of the Gay.
Oh, that sounds like a pun.
That'll be $20.
I don't like how this is going at all.
As you know, we charge Ryan $20 for every pun because puns aren't funny.
They're funny.
And then, again, I get so angry when I see you doing stupid shit out on the streets.
Right.
Because you represent this company.
You represent not just this show, but this network.
So when you start fucking with people and taking their shoes, it makes us look bad.
Like, what is this?
What are you doing here?
Well, the gentleman in the video, who is not me, is tickling people's feet with a toilet brush.
Which, as you can see, I'm too much.
I'm mad at you for this.
And then you start giving him shit?
I don't believe that even looks like me at all.
What does your shirt say?
DeLandy's tragedy?
I would ask him.
I would go about asking him.
Why does your old guy sound exactly like you?
I'm trying to sound youthful for the kids out there.
This isn't a different country.
This isn't even...
What are you doing in the Middle East?
I'm not doing it.
I've never left the United States, so I this is the same thing.
I gotta say, at the risk of sounding xenophobic, I hate that culture with feet everywhere.
They've always got their sandals on and their fucking long shirts.
So maybe this gentleman's doing a service.
He's saying.
The entire Middle East looks like Scrooge when he's sleeping.
With the little candle and the sleeping hat.
You know?
Yeah, of course.
He had slippers on, too.
You're going to milk me?
I got slippers too, Greg.
I got slippers, Greg.
Can you milk me?
Okay, you know what?
That reminds me, talking about, and by the way, I didn't discover that Ryan's stealing shoes or Ryan is annoying on my own, but I got that from a baby monster.
I appreciate you guys sending us cool shit, but I don't appreciate you sending me the same fucking thing 8 million times.
And I'd like to take some time to introduce a new segment that I stole from Jimmy Kimmel called Stop Sending Me This.
Ryan added a swear word.
Stop sending me this shit.
Oops.
This is a kid's show.
So far, we're off to a bad start.
I don't think that's the first demerit, if this were to be a kid's show.
So there are certain clips.
Now, like that Middle Eastern guy, you probably saw that, and you thought, I haven't seen this before.
He's short and somewhat Asian-looking.
I'll send this to Gavin.
He can make fun of Ryan.
Legitimate.
However, please have watched the show.
For example.
Where is this one?
It just says midget.
I've got it highlighted here.
It's okay.
Wait.
Oh, sorry.
Go to the Google Doc.
Stop sending me this.
I didn't use rude words at the end of mine.
Gotcha.
But we featured this guy when he first went viral.
It has gone very viral since.
You have sent me this fucking midget about 100 million times.
Not the guy in the foreground, the guy in the bull shirt.
I've seen him swimming.
I've seen him doing kung fu.
Fucking stop.
Working out.
Working out.
If you see that guy, filing taxes.
Don't do anything.
Get on with your life.
Like, there should be a rule of thumb here.
If it has 1 million views, don't send it to me.
I've seen it.
I just saw that guy who got a face transplant for a millisecond there.
That's weirdo.
That's why this has, you know, some of the most viral images to ever grace the internet.
The history of dance guy, the whoop whoop guy.
Well, how about the, but it's, the rhyme ones are particularly annoying, like these dancing twins.
I've got this daily basis.
For you to make it to my stop sending me this list, I get it at least once a day.
That's hundreds of times a year.
I don't know if you know how days work.
But pull those up, just little ass.
What are you doing?
These guys.
Yeah, I've seen them.
And the annoying part is, half the time I've already shown this.
And I'm such, we get 100 emails a day.
I'm such a douche that I can't resist going, thank you for sending me something.
I've seen that fuck a million times.
So I will say, if you're sending me this shit to make me mad and prank me, then you're doing a great job.
Because I get genuinely angry when I get these, which is why I send you such weird things.
Like, check the views.
Check when it came out.
These three triplets, these triplet Asians that I keep getting.
Do they sing and have guitars?
Are you even getting this?
Yes, a lot.
Dude, I need a filter.
No more Asian triplets.
If you have triplets and you send me a picture, I want it to get blocked.
And what's my joke supposed to be here, that Ryan has brothers?
I guess I would do that.
Right.
And I think we did.
I think we showed these guys and I asked you.
Yes.
And you're like, no, I think it was like, how are you doing all three things at the same time?
You know what?
New rule.
If you don't watch every single episode, you're not allowed to send his stuff.
That's a good point.
I'm tired of these people sending the same stuff in, Gavin.
What's with your fucking hair?
What are you, Beyonce?
Yes, ma'am.
I tilted my hat.
I don't understand why.
Are you like a Shaolin cowboy?
Nope.
Who came up with that?
Snapchat.
I keep going.
There's more.
Now, I might have this twice because I tend to just cut and paste them into this shit when I get it.
But, those guys again.
I've received this 1,000 times.
It's actually making me hate the Ryan joke.
Is that the same one next to it?
Let's see.
Judging by how many videos there are of these guys, they're very...
Yeah, that's the same one.
Same exact one.
And then I think this is a different one right below it.
But I think these guys are doing pretty well.
Yeah.
A friend of mine...
I'm actually getting...
I've been sent this so much, I'm getting to know their songs.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
I've actually learned Chinese.
Is this the Blue Eagle sores in the sky one?
Or is this the 1,000 rainfalls will provide me peace?
It's 1,000 rainfalls.
Oh, okay.
And then last case I'll do is this.
Yes, I do not have a very strong chin.
Yes, that's why I grow a beard.
Yes, we have played this video already.
I walked out of the studio when Ryan asked me why I got such a weird haircut and why I shaved my beard.
If you recall, that episode was 10 minutes long because I just walked out of the studio.
I pretended that it hurt my feelings.
Isn't that just an Albanian 8?
Oh, my God.
Speaking of Albanians.
Whatever.
Dude, my barbershop this morning, I got a haircut this morning.
My barbers, the level of comedy from these Albanians.
Albanians inbred?
I didn't know they were so stupid.
They're a little superstitious.
That's Turks.
That's the whole fucking that side of Europe.
So the woman next door comes in.
She just came back from Florida.
This is the discourse that goes on in the barbershop.
I'm just sitting in my chair going.
She goes, is that fucking internet?
Is that internet working?
And they go, yes, mine works fine.
It doesn't work for me.
Well, it's on my phone.
That's not your internet, Benny.
And she's like, ah, okay.
Well, you guys got internet.
I need internet for my credit card machine.
She runs a used garbage shop next door that no one has ever been in.
Just like a pair of old shoes.
No, thanks.
I don't want someone's toes on my toes.
And she's like, yeah.
And they go, yeah, you can use our internet.
Seriously?
She's not joking.
But they're in a good mood.
And they're feeling like they're funny.
So he goes, yes, yes.
You come in, you use our internet and the credit card.
The money goes to our account.
And I'm like, that's the least funny thing I've ever heard.
And then guess what he says.
What?
You come in, you use our internet.
Money goes into our account.
He said it again?
You're okay.
No problem.
You're using internet.
But it goes to our account.
Yeah.
Don't forget to keep using too.
I think he did five times with no variation.
Oh, so I even varied it too much.
Yeah, that's too much.
The more you use, the more money gets.
No, no, no, you're being too funny.
That's too interesting.
That's too nuanced.
Keep using because more money.
You come in, you use our internet, credit card, money goes into our account.
And he's laughing his head off.
And so is his brother.
It's two brothers.
And I'm just like, that whole, like the most base humor in the world is like, oh, hey, can I have that?
Like when you have $10 in your hand.
Hey, hey, I wish this was money.
Wish this was a hundred bucks.
It's a lot of foreigners do it, like taxi cab drivers and stuff.
Like, oh, I'll take it.
Is that my tip?
No, it's not.
That's don't do money jokes.
Yeah.
And then guess what happened?
Go ahead.
She left rolling her eyes.
She's probably stupid too, but it's way smarter than them.
And he goes, he's cutting my hair and he goes, still buzzing from his discovery, which is about as funny and brilliant as how many people want money, eight, which is a joke I dreamt.
And then he goes, no problem.
You know, you use our internet.
Only the money goes.
And then he's looking at himself in the mirror.
And then the money goes in our account.
What the hell is that?
Is this a prank?
Is like that Japanese guy going to come out, Mr. Bagaducci, and say, we want to see what you would do if we made the worst joke?
joke in the world eight times wow and i was just like please just remember how unfunny this is so you can mention it on the show that's like a four iq hey everyone uh who subscribes to sensor.tv maybe you uh use different email and subscribe again you pay me twice as much maybe you use 10 accounts it's only a thousand dollars a year give me why don't hey you why don't
to give me a million dollars.
You know, it's been a really long time since I've heard those jokes.
It's like, you know, they're the only ones keeping them alive, perhaps.
It's like the take my wife joke or something.
It's like, it's not supposed to be in modern day.
Remember the last joke I told you that they were having heart attacks over?
No.
Pay it back, pay it forward.
It's a joke, joke.
Get rid of this sending me shit.
We're not doing that anymore.
that they've heard, and they cannot get over how funny it is.
And this guy is going to drive-through, goes to drive-through.
And the person ahead, they have bought their meal.
And they said, God bless Jesus, Jesus Christ.
I think they're Christian.
And so he says, that's very good.
Jesus loves people who pay it forward.
Do you want to pay it forward?
And then he says, yes, I think I will.
And then he says, okay, it's a big order.
They are buying $250 food.
And he says, oh, I'm not pay.
And they say, but pay it forward.
And he says, oh, Jesus forgives.
Jesus forgives.
Oh, my God.
I don't know if I'd trust them to cut my hair.
Yeah, I'm scaring myself right now.
So I stab Mr. Gavin in the neck.
You know, Gavin with no chin, you know, I stab him in the back.
He literally has a straight razor on my throat.
I wouldn't feel shit.
You like Jesus Gives joke?
Jesus forgives.
You think that's funny?
Yes, yes.
Please say the same fucking thing.
I'd be running out of there like a cartoon me with a hat on with chase music and a guy chasing me with glasses.
Like that?
Thanks.
My imagination was getting a hernia before you showed me how to imagine that.
Also in important news, last night's Kirby Enthusiasm, or sorry, Sunday's Kirby Enthusiasm was fucking hilarious.
He's finally not doing political stuff.
He's not making fun of Juliani's hair dye from three years ago.
He's focusing on what he does best, and that is retarded minutia.
He fucking bumps into a dude named Ken that he used to fuck when he was Kendra.
I've never seen that before.
Oh, hilarious.
Oh, like Larry.
And he's like, Larry?
And he goes, yes.
Hi, Ken.
And he's like, I don't know who you are.
Well, you probably remember he's Kendra.
Used to fuck me on the floor.
And he's like, oh, my God.
Great show.
He's doing this.
There's this long subplot thread with the whole episode.
This is the last season of Kirby Enthusiasm where he's on trial for breaking Georgia voter laws.
Is that Kendra?
No, that's New York.
That's Matt Barry.
He's really good, too.
Really?
Yeah, that's the scene.
You want to hit it?
Yeah.
Let's get going.
Nice to meet you all.
And see you, Larry.
Good to see you again.
Wait, wait, are you leaving already?
We got to go.
We had a thing on this.
Go back a little more.
Yeah, yeah.
That's so nice.
Still a sexy beast.
Look at you.
Look at you.
Doesn't he look great, you guys?
Within my hash marks.
It's in your hash marks?
It's within my hash marks.
All right.
Got it.
This one's fine.
Yeah.
I'm fine.
Yeah.
It's so good to see you, Larry.
It is crazy.
How long has it been since we've seen each other?
You look great.
Oh, that's so nice.
Still a sexy beast.
Look at you.
Look at you.
Doesn't he look great, you guys?
You've changed quite a lot.
Yeah.
Some people say that I'm as good as a man as I was a woman.
So this guy, we had this little thing.
I don't know what it was.
Larry would come over to me.
So I bring that up to say he's definitely going to jail at the end, just like Seinfeld ended with them in jail.
He's going to end with them in jail.
Speaking of voting, this is way down the line.
Go to 1.5.
Remember when we were all called idiots?
And didn't Fox News fire Tucker for questioning the Dominion voting machines?
And didn't Fox have to pay $300 million to Dominion?
Now, this isn't specifically about Dominion, but the point is that J6ers were spurred on by the belief that the election was stolen, and I believe it was.
And now more and more of these are coming out of the woodwork, and we're realizing you probably shouldn't have to go to jail for 22 years if you think a stolen election was stolen.
People in Nevada voted more than once, according to your work in this.
42,000 people.
1,500 people voted in Nevada that were dead.
19,000 people voted though they did not live in Nevada and they weren't a college student.
8,000 people voted from a non-existent address.
15,000 people voted though they were registered to a commercial address or a vacant address.
And 4,000 people voted in Nevada that are non-citizens.
My question to you is, in my state, when someone votes twice, and we do have that occasionally, about 50 times a year that that actually occurs in our state, we prosecute individuals that vote twice.
Of this 130,000 instances that you have identified from 2011 in Nevada.
Hey, if you're voting for me, how about you vote 100 times?
I'm not prosecuted.
I'm not prosecuted.
How about everyone in America vote for me 100 times?
I get 3 billion votes.
And then turn voter into money.
And then I am president for 1 billion years.
And I make a trillion dollars.
And I fly around in 100 planes at once.
And I fuck 100 women at the same time.
And my big toe is in one pussy, my other toe is in another pussy.
These are all fingers going into different pussies.
Oh, my God.
It's the thing bigger joke.
Anyway, keep going.
Do you know of any prosecutions currently going on in Nevada for an evening?
Or if the waiter comes and brings the food and it's like, is this yours?
Oh, no, that's a different table.
Oh, no, no, I put a ticket.
You could put here.
Yeah, it's a similar thing.
Yeah.
Like, I want to say it's a joke a six-year-old would make, but six-year-olds are way funnier.
Not yet, Senator.
And that's extreme.
42,000 people in Nevada.
They call them election deniers, like it's Holocaust deniers.
I totally forgot the fact that.
Oh, my God.
Every time I think I'm not gay, I look at you and I go, maybe.
Thanks, Gavin.
Well, I remember when Stephen Crowder had boots on the ground, he went to people's houses for these dead voters, and he was doing that work.
Remember that?
When I can't hear a word you're saying.
All the blood rushed to my boner, and now I feel dizzy.
You're crazy, man.
Hey, I guess I'm flattered.
I guess The Rock talks like a hunk.
Bye, Gavin.
Bye.
Soon.
Just kidding, I'm back.
Jump medic.
It's amazing how much shit there is.
And every time I talk to someone in the know, like Maddie O'Dell, he's a big EMT guy because he's on so many blood thinners that if he crashes his bike, he dies.
Which I'm sure the people he murdered would be happy to hear about.
I think we're getting a pizza for our guests.
Oh, shit.
That's at the door.
We've got some Swiss people in the studio today.
That'll be right out there.
Questioning me, probably doing a very in-depth article on how I went from hipster to Hitler and how I hate Jews and what happened to me.
Grabbing that?
Just go to the front door and then grab that pizza.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's all paid for.
Oh, thank you.
Asking me about the 10 things I hate about the Jews video.
Hasn't even seen it, but is outraged.
Asked me about Pat Buchanan.
Says he's the worst guy in the world.
Never read any of his books.
How could you like Pat Buchanan?
Hunter Thompson hates him.
How can you not like Buchanan?
You never read him.
But I like Hunter Thompson.
That's the math.
You got to read like Death of the West.
It's like Ann Coulter.
People go, does she really mean what she says?
What sentence of what book or appearance are you talking about?
Same with Fox News.
All these people who hate Fox News have never sat down and watched an entire episode of, say, Hannity or Red Eye or Guttfeld or Alex Jones.
Or Adolf Hitler.
None of these people who hate Hitler has taken the time to read Mein Kampf or at least enjoy some of his paintings.
I'm sure JumpMedic will be happy about that association.
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And the fucking ad guy has put the dollar sign on the wrong side of the number to make me angry.
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If anyone you know ever visits, I have Narcon in my home, Narcan.
I hope my teenagers aren't doing drugs, but hope doesn't save lives.
Or if one of their stupid friends is over and she's high, it's free.
A lot of places will give you Narcan for free.
All it takes is touching some money with Narcan, I mean with fentanyl on it, right?
The amount that you need of fentanyl to make you overdose by touching it or smelling it.
Yeah, they say that.
I don't know.
There was that video of that cop.
I know, I heard that was fake.
What?
But whatever.
It's a very, very dangerous drug, and you should be prepared to save someone's life.
And it's an opioid blocker.
You take it and boom.
And you see these junkies that beat up cops or try to beat up cops after they get their lives saved because you fucked up my buzz.
Okay, I'm not doing it next time.
Bye-bye.
Home to mommy.
If you don't have a first aid kit, or even if you do, check out jumpmedic.com.
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Enter promo code.
Oh, you're not going to like this.
Go ahead.
Ryan Sucks is the promo code for 10% off.
That code works for everything except for the sale items.
Why would that bother me?
That's sexist to say Ryan sucks.
I don't mind.
Now I actually want to fuck you.
All right, well, then I'm never using that again.
I want to fuck you as a friend.
That was the kind of articles Weiss was having towards the end.
Street guys are cuddling, and there's nothing you can do about it.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
And yes, there is.
Something you could do about it.
Oh, this was kind of a funny story.
Remember, just walk out?
Get rid of all this shit, please.
Not that it's not awesome.
I love jump medic.
Right.
It's not shit.
It's great.
But this is real.
You know how much I hate fucking robots, right?
Yes.
You have a problem with automation, Gavin?
No, no, no.
I hate the concept of soon everything's going to be replaced by robots.
Yes, there's self-checkout kiosks in some cases, but they get abused, especially in bad neighborhoods.
So now you have to have people standing around them.
Yeah, I'm aware of automation.
I'm talking about this notion that everything is going to become automated 100%.
And there's going to be guys walking around going, yes, can I help you?
I'm a bartender.
Would you like a beer?
There'll always be a person who can do that cheaper.
Oh, yeah?
What about just walk out?
You go in there, it senses that you have money, lots of money, and then when you walk out, it tallies everything in your thing and automatically bills you.
No problems, right?
Uh.
Um.
laughter That looks absurd, doesn't it?
It is.
That's why I hate robots, because of what you just did.
That's absurd.
That would cost $30 million.
There's going to be three made That use AI and can bring you a beer.
Three.
And it's going to be some eccentric Elon Musk dude.
Because every time they do stuff like this, you go, Aren't there a million people in the turd world who could just do this?
Like I heard, this could be a rumor, but I told you before I heard about movies like Bollywood.
It's cheaper just to get a guy to hold a light than to rent a stand because life is cheap.
Life is cheap all over.
Life is cheap in this neighborhood.
Life is cheap down the street.
We're going to get into this urban decay.
There's fucking dead bodies on the train.
So you don't need to replace people with machines because people are not doing that great.
There's always desperate people around, unfortunately.
So anyway, go to 1-4.
It was all a lie.
Amazon was bullshitting us.
You know how they did it?
They had a thousand Pajites in there watching you with video and typing out what you took.
Oh, wow.
Though it seemed completely automated, Just Walkout relied on more than 1,000 people in India watching and labeling videos to ensure accurate checkouts.
The cashiers were simply moved off-site and they watched you as they shopped.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
That's the coolest reveal ever.
It was just Indian this whole time.
You'll never have robots because India will always be there.
I like when you call like tech support and they try to sound cool.
Like, what's your name?
Hello.
Oh, my name is Totally Karen, man.
I just was at a line dancing thing listening to some country and I totally love it here in Alabama where I am.
Just loving the steak sauce and everything.
Yo, what is up?
I'm totally a black guy from Bronxing.
Go ahead.
Okay, it's going to be A as in Abel.
Okay.
Oh, it's going to be.
That's like when Germans say, hey, man, I'm totally going to the disco and dancing.
They like to say I-N.
Europeans do, to sound cooler.
Yeah, we're going to be walking there, you guys.
It's going to be totally cool.
Look how stupid other countries are.
Like, go to 1-3.
What the fuck is this?
Not only do they dress like Scrooge at night, how do you win this?
What are you doing?
Can there be a knockout?
And look how big the ring is.
The ring is so big that people just wander into it and squat down and start taking pictures.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
How do you judge this?
You count the slaps?
One, two, three, four.
Ow, he's hurting me.
Oh, you fucking motherfuck cunt shitter.
Fuck you, you fucker.
You bitch, fucking shit, fuck, fuck.
Bloody.
You bloody shit fucker.
Now he gets up.
You bitch.
That's my friend you're hitting.
Fuck you shitting, fuck cunt buddy.
Fuck you bloody shit.
You fucking shit bloody.
People are clapping.
I'll be looking forward to reading about this fight in the local Baghdad or sorry, Sri Lankan Sports Times.
You saw me slap that fucker.
He's a bitch.
Oh, here's another funny scandal.
Diversity, equity, inclusion, competence crisis.
Don't play the whole competence crisis thing.
Okay, play the whole competence crisis thing.
The cool one that we like.
The one that the audience likes more, the one that you like more?
The one that the audience likes more, I guess.
It's a better one to do.
It's a competency crisis.
It's a crisis of incompetence.
This country is falling apart, literally.
So, diversity, equity, inclusion, I was just on InfoWars and we were talking about that whole like the first American Indian astronaut, which implies there was tons of American Indian astronauts and they were being held back by bigots.
I picture Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazard.
But the other myth is that diversity is great for your company.
It's just being held back by bigots.
No, blacks are in the NBA because tall blacks seem to be better at this sport.
It's not because they practiced.
It's not because they got booted out of law school.
Some groups are better at some things.
Irish are better at getting drunk and fighting.
But four studies came out recently about diversity in the workplace.
Four major studies claiming diverse workforces earn more were bogus.
These studies were used to push DIE everywhere, even the military.
Great.
So we're now less safe because of botched studies.
So much of the diversity mongering is steeped with fraud.
Have you noticed that?
Remember all those people that were caught plagiarizing?
It wasn't just the woman at Harvard.
What's her last name?
Gay.
Claudine Gay.
It wasn't just Claudine Gay.
She got people curious, and we found at least a dozen of these diversity, inclusion, equity officers at various colleges plagiarizing, making up surveys.
At one point, there was a woman, she was a diversity chief at Harvard or something, and her application, her study that she used to show her credentials, was actually stolen from her husband, who was at the University of Wisconsin.
And he was in charge of diversity over there.
So that's beyond plagiarism.
That's just stealing a study.
And judging by the way these studies go, it was probably full of shit.
Over the past few years, McKenzie has released four studies claiming a positive relationship between, it's blocked by the camera, between DEI and firm performance.
By the way, DEI stands for doesn't earn it.
I worked my ass off to get everyone to call it DIE.
I failed.
And Scott Adams is declared the winner.
As far as ridiculing that term, is didn't earn it.
A new paper released today in EconJWatch finds these results can't be replicated.
Our inability to replicate these results suggests that we're going to have to show more to get there.
Isn't this true of like therapy?
Like, how do you replicate that?
Well, I had one person I talked to every day about their problems, and their life is still shitty.
So I got in a time machine, and I didn't talk to them every day, and their life was worse.
Like, without time machines, how do you prove that therapy is effective?
I don't think it is.
I know people, Terry Richardson used to go every day to his therapist.
Howard Stern goes every day.
And Terry was a mess.
And Howard Stern's agoraphobic.
He didn't leave his house for three days.
No, for three years, sorry.
Three days is how long an Amazon package would have to sit in the lobby while it de-COVIDified itself.
Suggests that they should not be relied on to support the view that U.S. publicly traded firms can expect to deliver improved financial performance if they increase the racial ethnic diversity of their executives.
Well, don't tell that to our mayor because he wants to see eight by tens before he hires anyone to ensure they are diverse enough.
Which brings us to a second thing that is not going to be very popular, especially among our younger viewers.
There's this belief I've been talking about quite a bit, about how two things are simultaneously true.
One is, yes, Zoomers and millennials, you are fucked.
No, you're never going to be able to buy a house.
If you're white and you're male, you've been told you suck shit all the time.
Getting late is a nightmare.
You're likely going to be me too'd.
All the girls that you know are prostitutes on OnlyFans.
And yeah, ladies, that's a pretty shitty lifestyle when all your friends, prostitution is totally normalized.
Porn has ruined sex for young people.
These girls have distended anuses by the time they're 22 years old from excessive butt fucking.
We've totally destroyed the innocence of youth.
But while all that is true, it's not an excuse.
Adult white males between the ages of, say, 18 and 25 to 30.
The economy sucks.
You're probably never going to buy a house.
Your degree is useless and left you in mountains of debt.
You're nowhere near capable of providing for a wife and kids.
And you can't imagine yourself settling down with any of the women in your age bracket anyway because Disney princess programming and feminism has left them fundamentally unwifeable.
You've grown up in a culture which has celebrated every other form of identity besides you and in exact proportion to how much they're not you to the point that now schools and companies can hire based on that metric.
All the while being told you can't complain or notice any of it because of how privileged you are and if you don't know how privileged you are, it's because of your privilege.
Even though you're basically a debt slave with minimal hope of a financial and familial future because your economy and culture has abandoned you.
So a lot of dudes just checked out and started like smoking weed and playing video games.
Some of the other ones went to countries where they like white people and men, like Thailand, I guess.
And some of them were like, you know what, this is a good challenge.
None of it makes sense.
It's all going to shit.
But fuck it, I want a big house, and if you come on my land, I'm going to shoot you with guns.
I want a bunch of kids and a wife churning butter.
I'm going to make it happen, you fucks.
Tell me about it.
He kind of said what I, you know what's ironic about that?
He's a young man talking about how doomed his people are.
And he's clearly got his shit together and he's going to make it.
It's like Jerry Seinfeld says about skateboarders.
When he sees them constantly wiping out and then getting back on their board to try their trick again, he's like, you're going to make it.
You're going to survive.
And that's what being an entrepreneur is.
For every 12 businesses you start, 11 fail.
So if you can get good at failure, you're going to be successful.
And that's like, yeah, you're suffering.
It sucks.
But get out of the fucking house.
When I was your age, I lived in a punk house with 12 dudes.
I slept on a filthy cot next to the boiler in the basement because we made arbitrary sort of rents, and that was like 200 bucks.
I lived in an apartment in Montreal with like six lesbians.
Do you know how gross that is?
You know how much mental illness was going on in that apartment together?
Although it was fun.
It is a disaster.
It was fun fucking with them and telling them things like we'd be watching a show and the murderer would put the gun in the freezer and I would just say shit like, you can't do that.
If a gun freezes, it blows up and it can take out that entire apartment.
And they're like, what, really?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can't freeze bullets.
It's bad news.
They have like nuclear charges.
And then being English in Quebec sucked.
I was talking about this earlier.
It was not easy.
Starting a magazine in a French province, go to fucking France and start an English newspaper and get back to me.
Or how about in Brooklyn where we were completely bankrupt?
The guy who brought us here was a fraud.
And all of a sudden, we're $300,000 in debt.
We have nowhere to stay.
We go to our clients.
One of our clients said, hey, you have a warehouse in Williamsburg.
Can we stay in the back with the boxes and boxes of shirts?
I am never going to financially recover from this.
So you got to suffer.
Your suffering is unfair, is what I'm saying.
But get over it.
Be a man.
And people always ask me, well, how do I get through this?
Make fun of it.
You know, you're living in clown world.
It's easy to make fun of clowns, so do it.
Satire.
Fuck with these people.
And I got to say, that's from Roadhouse.
My wife and I collapsed laughing when he said that.
Oh, okay.
That's after Jake Gillenhall loses it and decides to kill everyone.
Because the cop had just said to him, I'm going to say you did it.
And Jake Gillenhall goes, oh, okay.
Okay.
Isn't that the most streamed Amazon Prime thing ever?
Really?
Yeah.
Let me see.
It broke records.
I've been getting a lot of people mad at me for recommending it.
They're like, that was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen.
Sorry.
But yeah, I think satire is a great route for you guys, for your mental health, because I know it's not easy being a Zoomer these days.
But when I watch you guys out there in the world fucking with people and doing your little comedy pranks on YouTube moments and TikTok and stuff, you're fucking good.
Like, I'm not, this isn't easy for me to say.
It's like the fawn saying he was wrong.
I think you might be foo foo.
Sorry.
I think a lot of you youngsters out there may even be fuck.
Why is this so hard?
I think a lot of you young people out there might be fuo funnier than me.
And I think I know why.
Like, have you seen this going around?
This dude gets on a queer fat chat.
Congrats to Amazon Studios.
Become the most watched movie of all time.
50 million viewers over two weekends.
Well, most watched movie on Amazon Prime or Amazon Prime stream, they mean.
But yeah, it's a group for queer fat people, and this fucking kid just gets on with them.
This is a queer fat club.
I'm queer and fat.
Okay, thank you for joining.
We're just introducing ourselves.
Have you seen this?
No.
But he's clearly not fat, so that's awesome.
Maybe he's fat legs.
Yeah.
He's got a nurse body.
I'm queer and fat from the waist down.
Do you want to go ahead and introduce yourself, Joe?
Yeah, my name's Joe.
I go by Heath Day, and I identify as 275 pounds.
Okay, okay.
I feel like Jay's kind of making fun of me, though.
I know it's kind of a shock.
I know.
It's kind of a new thing.
I'm just, you know, monk.
Do what?
I said I apologize.
Oh, no, you're good.
Are you comfortable leaving the group at the moment?
Why?
I'm not understanding why you're joining the group.
This is the queer and fat group now.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I came here for.
Okay.
And you said you identify as fat?
Yeah.
Okay.
This is just for fat-bodied people.
Yeah, I understand.
I identify as a fat-bodied person.
I'm not understanding where you're coming from.
Are you guys comfortable with me here?
I mean, I'm pretty chill on my end.
I'm not comfortable, no.
Can we take like a vote?
Quality shit.
What a great guy.
And I've noticed that as a general pattern with you youngsters.
You're good at fucking with people.
Purple Works Nutrition.
I didn't take it today.
I went to the gym and I thought, today is a day for underachievers.
You know, there's all these posters in the hallway of my gym.
I can send them to you actually.
Where it's like, quitting is not an option.
I hate every second of working out, but it's worth it just to tell everyone to go fuck themselves.
And I'm like, they need to have a space for the mediocre.
Uh-oh, hold on a second here.
I can't send that one.
It's got an address on it.
And I was like, we need to be more open to those of us who want to go in and hit the heavy bags lightly for like six rounds and then do two speed bags.
Oh shit, I didn't even do my fucking push-ups or sit-ups.
And I was like, how about that?
And I say that to people that say, you know, I have trouble motivating myself to go work out.
And I'm like, yeah, it is hard to go to the gym and leave everything there and give 110%.
How about you give 60%?
I'm going to start a new workout regimen for the mediocre.
Like Larry's boxing name, they called him Larry No Fear Barnes.
I want to be known as Gavin Not Terrible McInnes.
That's pretty good.
Gavin Ho-Hum McInnes is coming in as a heavyweight at 200 pounds.
And with Purple Works Nutrition, you get in there and you fucking rock and you have to.
I hate every minute of training, but I said, don't quit.
Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.
Or you could just go my route and be mediocre.
Or what's this one?
Crawling is acceptable.
Puking is acceptable.
Quitting is unacceptable.
Yeah, you don't have to crawl, fall, or puke.
Just be okay.
Or check out this poster Baby Monster made that we put in the gym.
Who's that?
That's Larry Barnes.
This was a baby monster.
And if you look at the very bottom, he snuck something in.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Yeah, that's at my gym.
Anyway, Purple Works Nutrition Pre-Workout is not only great for the gym and lifting weights, it's also great for sports.
We got some here, don't we?
Yes.
I do a third of a scoop a day.
I do it a half an hour before I work out.
Most of this shit's just caffeine, but it's also got a bunch of muscle building formulas.
And I don't want to do too much caffeine because I'm already wired pretty tight.
It works like a charm if you play football, baseball, pickleball, spikeball, cornhole, glory hole, or even shooty hoops.
Many lesser pre-workouts will do a number in your digestive system and cause extreme flatulence.
We're talking about thermo, nuclear, Eric Swabwell level, gaseous emissions, really sick shit.
Some people ask, why do other pre-workouts make me suffer from dystopian levels of farting, sharding, and shitting?
To that I retort, it's because other pre-workouts have magnesium, artificial dyes, flavorings, and other junk that are known to cause these horrific butt issues.
You know how Trump, I mean, Biden reads?
He doesn't understand what a period is.
So here's a sentence.
Purple Works is the rare exception to this important issue that affects not only you, but the people in close proximity to you.
He will go, like he'll be dragged on from the previous sentence.
So he'll go, cause these horrific butt issues, Purple Works is the rare.
Exception to this important issue affects not only you, but the people in close proximity to you.
Think about what you'd think about at the top.
Purple Works pre-workout uses only the highest quality heterosexual ingredients.
Creatine for strength, caffeine and green tea extract for energy and focus, vitamins for muscle and tissue repair, and carnassin beta-alanine for the tingles.
But wait.
There's more.
Purpleworks has a line of fine Italian imported coffees.
They have ground gourmet coffee, a big-ass 2.2 pound bag of organic whole bean coffee, and they even have gourmet organic instant coffee.
Whether you're into the French press or the bench press, Purpleworks has you covered.
Go to PurpleWorksNutrition.com, enter promo code GAVIN, or as they say in French, Gavin, for 15% off.
All right, let's get behind the paywall now.
Please join censored.tv.
It's $10 a month.
There's more shit than you could shake a stick at.
And we're going to go now and be with the real people that we love, our actual family behind the paywall now at censored.tv.
The rest of you can get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
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