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Nov. 24, 2023 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
38:59
S5E26 - HOW TO WIPE YOUR ASS (free part)

  More Dhar Mann mysteries, clarifying the firing of Cody Canuck, Mets fans and mental illness, the importance of drinking with coworkers, taking calls with back-to-front wipers, guys who moves to Alaska, and guys interested in buying motorcycles.

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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes! it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes!
With this morning I'll ever resist, put that boy in a blast making me sick, try to come for me, you got some fucking nerve, say it with your motherfucking chest bitch, you can't fuck it with the motherfucking best bitch, bitch, bitch, say it with your motherfucking chest bitch, I ain't gonna need how to fuck with my feet.
It was a band from... when was that?
The 90s?
Early aughts?
Filth?
Chin check.
You're gonna get a chin check.
The singer is black.
I thought it was a white singer.
They were like a crust East Bay hardcore band.
They're on Lookout Records, which I thought is funny because whenever you think of Lookout Records, you think of like the Mr. T Experience.
On Gilman Street, it's the place to meet.
It's the one, it's the show.
Or Operation Ivy.
Sound system gonna pick me back up.
And then these guys are gonna punch you in the chin.
Drees!
They weren't around for very long.
Great band.
Welcome to the Friday Show.
This is a banked show.
We took calls on Tuesday so it's that's like that Mr. Show sketch where it's a call-in show but it's pre-taped and he says this show is about taxes.
Last week was about was about dog care.
So stop calling in about dog care.
That was last week.
And David Cross, the host, keeps getting more and more bald as the show goes on, because people are obviously always calling about what they're looking at.
I think, in retrospect, I think Bob Odenkirk was the brains behind Mr. Show, and I bet it was sort of like Trey Parker and Matt Stone, where they think of it as a duo, but it was Trey.
Like, Matt Stone just plays video games all day.
And it airs next week, okay?
So, if you're watching me talk about The Elderly, don't call to talk about it.
It's too late.
Instead, call about cooking, which is next week's topic.
Okay?
If you wanted to talk about the elderly, you should have called last week when our pet care show was airing, but we were taping the elderly show.
That's exactly what I'm doing right now.
And I'm not going bald.
Uh, Purple Works Nutrition?
I'm on it right now.
I'll tell you something about Purple Works Nutrition.
I don't know if I'm hungover because I have such an energy boost when I'm working out or if I'm if I'm sparring or whatever that I'll go through the whole session.
Sometimes if I'm hungover I'll be a little more tired than usual and then like around noon I'll notice I haven't eaten yet and I realize oh I'm hungover.
So, they're not advertising this.
This is me personally saying that it makes me not know I'm hungover until it wears off and my hangover can come through.
But that's my personal experience.
Not saying it cures hangovers.
Their pre-workout is not only great for the gym and lifting weights, it's also great for sports.
It works like a charm if you play football, baseball, pickleball, spikeball, cornhole, toyhole, or even the motherfucking shooty hoops.
However, it is especially effective for running, biking, and other endurance sports.
Many pre-workouts will do a number on your digestive system and cause extreme flatulence.
Have you heard Big John rip farts on the Thursday show?
Well, I have a suspicion that Big John is possibly under the influence of one of the more inferior pre-workout products on the market.
Other pre-workouts have magnesium, artificial dyes, and flavorings, which are all known to cause catastrophic dystopian levels of farting, sharting, and shitting.
Purpleworks is a rare exception to this important gastrointestinal issue.
But that's my main sparring partner, actually, is Big John.
And that guy, Big Fat Pig, he doesn't get tired.
If I do three rounds, I have to lie down for an hour and cry.
He'll take off his gear and go hit the heavy bag.
He's built different.
Purpleworks pre-workout uses only the highest quality heterosexual ingredients.
Creatine for strength, caffeine and green tea extract for energy and focus, vitamins for muscle and tissue repair, and carnosine beta alanine for the tingles.
Some people say, Purpleworks?
What is that?
Some sort of pre-workout for guys who like other guys?
To that I say, that's bigoted.
Purple is a color that suggests royalty, dignity, opulence, and unbridled heterosexuality.
Certainly nothing gay about that, and purple does not represent sexual frustration to anyone who says that it's a liar.
It doesn't say that.
But wait, there's more.
We want gays to buy this too.
Purpleworks has a fine line of imported Italian coffees.
They have ground gourmet coffee, a big-ass 2.2 pound bag of organic whole bean coffee.
They even have gourmet organic instant coffee.
Whether you're into the French press or the bench press, Purpleworks has you covered.
Go to thepurpleworksnutrition.com and enter promo code GAVIN for 15% off.
Purpleworks likes you more than a friend.
By the way, this is optional.
Sean is our new ad guy.
He's not the ad guy they had where they stole one of our client's URLs and made it into a Nazi page.
That guy was so incompetent that I still don't know to this day if he was working for Antifa just trying to ruin our company.
You know you're bad at your job when people wonder genuinely if you're a saboteur.
But the new guy, Sean, is awesome.
And if you're interested in advertising on Get Off My Lawn, email sean, S-E-A-N, at censored.tv.
He's a great guy who, he wrote, not autistic in any way.
I would beg to differ with that, but okay.
Purpleworks!
Purple walks.
I never noticed that part in there, actually.
Does he use like a phone?
I don't meant to cause you any sorrow.
I don't meant to cause you any pain.
Does he use like a phone?
Like what is that effect?
I don't want to die since you like me.
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.
You know what really want to cover now?
Purple rain, purple rain.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
It's got a little Jimi Hendrix sloppiness to him, right?
Purple rain.
See those? - Dhar Mann, collaborating with Oliver Tree.
This just confirms that he's a joker.
He's a joke man.
This is too much.
Musician to shame for being too ugly.
Dhar Mann Studios featuring Oliver Tree.
I'm lost. - I act like an affair.
- Here to make music.
- He grows up, oh, he plays a small part in it?
Oh that's him as a kid and then he grows up to be Oliver Tree.
Reminds us that although we feel alone, we're all alone together.
You know I think that's gonna resonate with a lot of people.
I hope so.
It's my mom Christine, my friend Amy.
Hey, Amy, how are you?
Good.
Thank you.
We are so proud of you, Oliver.
You know, my nephew... This is hurting my brain.
This is like I'm... Am I asleep?
Now, does Oliver Tree get a kick out of this?
So he wanted to join?
Of course.
Oliver Tree is advanced, so he knows this is funny.
He thinks... But how much is Dhar Mannon on his own joke?
This is like Scary Perry type shit.
But Perry's the director of the movie.
That's really it.
Perry, the director.
It's hard to parse.
He's also friends with that Cody dude.
The YouTuber who, like... Oh, he used to make fun of him, but he probably let him in on it.
He's like, dude, I don't fucking mean any of this shit.
It's just that it's a thing that I'm doing for money.
And then he's like, oh shit, my bad.
I didn't know.
He's like, yeah.
Well, no, I think it's more like The Room, the guy from The Room, where he's like, it's not funny.
It's not a joke.
And then he's getting like Ashton Kutcher or whatever to come, but James Franco, that was it.
And he's like, Uh, yeah, it was a joke.
It's a comedy.
I totally get the humor.
Ha ha ha ha.
I'm making shit on purpose.
Ha ha ha ha.
Tommy Wiseau.
Tommy Wiseau.
Oh, hi, Mark.
My youngest boy was saying, oh, hi, Mark, when he was like six.
Wow.
He also says, welcome to Chili's, which I don't understand.
I think that's a kid meme.
Right.
So, banking shows.
We had the unfortunate coincidence of Thanksgiving and Ryan's baby.
So... Well, one's fortunate.
What?
You said the unfortunate things of Ryan's baby and... What was the thing?
Unfortunate something.
Timing, even.
Because I think it's God's grace, the timing, you see.
So it's nothing unfortunate about my baby's birth.
Well the coincidence is unfortunate you fucking moron.
It's the most fortunate thing I've ever been a part of.
My baby boy is fantastic and he's great.
No one is saying there's anything wrong with your unborn child.
We're saying that unfortunately for the viewer we have two things that require holidays happening at the same time.
So it may be a long time before we're live again.
That's unfortunate.
Just stick to doing like the funny faces like that Chinese guy.
That kind of thing.
This constantly interjecting and railroading the show with you misunderstanding the English language.
Not good.
I'm misunderstanding.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, see less of that.
I thought that was good.
No, puns are the lowest form of comedy.
Still comedy.
We're a comedy network.
Boy, I got in a lot of trouble for saying we're the only right-wing comedy place.
People are constantly sending me examples, and they're right, I was wrong.
I got it from fucking Tony Gomez, though.
He's like, you're the only one doing right-wing comedy!
I was like, yeah!
Besides the Babylon Bee, John Doyle, Greg Gutfeld, Steven Crowder, all of Compound, Well, Compound's tricky.
Is that right-wing comedy?
I don't think so.
I think Comey is the only one that's anywhere on a political spectrum.
Like, is Gino Bisconti right-wing?
No.
No.
He's no-wing.
He's wingless.
By the way, people keep asking about the Cody Canuck thing.
Was it because he had that guest on?
I didn't like that he had that guest on, but I'm not going to tell him to do that.
The problem was airing our dirty laundry, because it puts you in a situation where you can't text the guy because you think, oh wait, this is going to be public.
I can't email the guy.
Oh, that's gonna be discussed on the show, and then you're like alright Well, I then now I can't communicate with you Because I don't know what's public or not and then if I can't communicate with you.
Well.
I can't work with you Yeah, very simple.
I'm a friend of his still it like he's still in my music group and stuff, but oh I know you have no he's an adult Fuck you How's that?
I have no loyalty.
You're going to just mischaracterize.
You know, I stand up for you every time behind your back.
I say the kindest things about you.
Stand up for yourself.
And to my face, you say I'm disloyal.
Wow, I'm just kidding calm down.
Okay.
Thank you.
But listen, I'm friends with him But you know people are like looking at me like well, what do you think but I don't I mean He's an adult like I brought him to this network and I fought for him to get this job Even those people like, you know, he spoke Really terrible things about Christ and stuff.
I was like, all right, whatever.
I mean, I Don't like that, but he wanted to show here and it's he's an adult.
He made his decision He did not play ball with you.
He wasn't like, oh, um, you know what?
I'm sorry about that.
It was very combative and Yeah, yeah.
He would always double down too when I said something.
That's the road that he took with that.
And then, you know, Josh LaCasse, I fought to get him on the network and I didn't know he was going to turn out the way he did.
Is he bad?
He's Jewish.
I had no idea.
Yeah, no, I don't like the gross out stuff.
That wasn't a big deal.
That was just like, don't do that.
We don't do that kind of thing here.
It would almost be like he did a show in French and I was like, oh, it's an English network, so we don't do French here.
I'm not mad.
It's still up.
But yeah, airing the dirty laundry thing.
And then he goes, well I didn't know it was you.
Yeah, you asked me and I said it was.
Yeah.
So we kind of bled ourselves dry with content, and I'm kind of burnt out, to be quite frank, with recording five shows a day for a week.
So I think today what we'll do is we'll take calls.
We'll go through letters.
We'll chat.
Keep it cash.
First half.
First half is fucking free.
And then the second half is... Is our audio still going out to all the different podcasts?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, that's never stopped.
So I wonder if there's anyone who just listens to this free portion of this show on audio and doesn't even, like, know this exists.
Yeah, I've heard a couple of people emailing just about that.
Huh.
Well, if you are just listening, we give you a hundred percent every single day.
And that includes Christmas and Thanksgiving.
That includes when Ryan has a baby.
There's no dry days.
A lot of these other guys, they'll disappear.
I'm not saying Anthony's a fucking dog fucker.
He had his heart ripped out.
He got dumped.
No, just kidding.
He had a quadruple bypass.
So he's, that's not lazy, but like other guys, like doesn't Crowder take off like four months at a time?
I'm not sure.
I know he's very, very stingy about the car when it comes to his wife.
That old controversy.
My best friend's died.
My best friend's died.
I'm going to like see him again one day and be like, I'm sorry about the dog.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't care.
Yeah.
Um, I'm Steven Crowder, damn it.
Oh, by the way, yeah, if you are listening to this, you could watch this for free on Censored.TV.
Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
If you're just listening to it, we give 100% every day.
There's a new show.
And it's not just a show we fart together.
Like, this one is pretty farty.
But usually it's like green screens and lists and like 10 of the worst politicians in American history.
Like, there's a lot of prep.
I work full time on this show.
It's 12 bucks a month.
I'm one of many shows.
And every show is wildly different.
We have a show on Wednesday we do with Anthony Cumia.
He'll be back on his feet soon.
Thursday nights we watch cop videos with cops.
Monday and Tuesday are normal.
Shows like this where we joke around.
And the only time you hear ad reads is on these shows.
So I don't know why you're punishing yourself.
For so little money and you can do we still have the one month promo we had a promo for a while where you type in one month as a as a promo code just one word and You get a month free so you could just try it and cancel it if you don't like it.
It's true I don't see how you couldn't like it though.
I mean either like at the very very worst You could go.
I just I saw all those videos.
They're viral But I like that.
Like, when Fleckas does his show, I watch it a lot, and I'll recognize almost all the videos.
I still like their take.
It's amusing.
Remember Fleckas said one of my favorite jokes, and it's one of my favorite jokes because it's not a joke, and he's being dead serious.
I said, uh, um, uh, Why aren't you a Mets fan?
You look like a Mets fan.
You're fat and you have a beard.
You're from Brooklyn.
And he goes, hmm, let's see.
I'm not a Jew and I'm not a retard, so why would I be?
And I laughed my head off because he was trying to figure it out.
He's like, hmm, let me see.
I'm not a Jew.
I'm not a retard.
Yeah, well, I'm obviously going to be a Yankees fan.
And then ever since then every time I'm at a Mets game and there's like a retard next to someone with the yamaka which happens a lot I'll send it to them and then he's like your people or One time I said, I just realized there's this family Near my studio that I see.
Okay.
I'm lying.
They're near my house.
I didn't want to out them but I go their son is retarded and And they're Jewish and I saw them piling into the car before a Mets game once.
No.
Yeah.
And he goes, he goes, there's your people.
And he goes, and you both think next year is going to be your year.
Fish kiss.
That guy's constantly abusing me.
How's your, how's your team going?
I talked to a bartender once and he goes, I don't, if I could go back in time, I would not be a Mets fan.
And I'm like, you can't say that.
That's like a Amish person saying, if he could go back in time, he'd be Christian or something.
You can't leave your team.
And he's like, dude, the misery that team has caused me my whole life.
Like, I was a little kid in 86 and they won the World Series and I was happy about it.
And I was like, I'm on board.
And then it just got worse every year.
Worse and worse and worse.
And I've just had a horrible life because of that fucking team.
And you know the secret?
You know why they won the pennant?
Is it the pennant?
In 86?
Because they were getting wasted together.
I know that sounds stupid, but it's a very important part of any team, any business.
You should get drunk together.
I made several million dollars at an ad agency that we sold, Rooster, sold it to Hamas.
And we would go, we'd work our butts off till like 3.30.
Then we'd go to the bar and drink from 3.30 to 5 or 4.30.
And we were obviously talking about the enterprise while we were there.
We were both co-owners.
So, it increases the bond between people.
It gives you this cohesion.
I don't know, man.
I think it's a very important thing to do.
Like, fire department.
That's a great example.
This is how this came out.
I was talking to a fireman at my gym, and he said, he said, the old days, I would go in, like, he's a piper with his firehouse's pipe brigade, whatever fucking thing.
Bagpipes and he goes after the parade we'd go to the bar.
He goes I went to the bar It's a fireman bar and there was maybe 30 of us there.
This is probably be in in Yonkers McLean Avenue whenever He goes in the old days.
He doesn't drink anymore because he was a severe alcoholic He goes in the old days.
I go to that bar.
It would be packed like shoulder-to-shoulder You'd have to piss on the street.
It would be like at capacity at 250 100% Ironic that firefighters are breaking the capacity laws.
And he said, yeah, he said that this new generation of firemen, they're all autistic and they don't drink.
And that doesn't sound like a big deal.
That's like I'm a vegetarian or something.
Eh, I don't know.
Certain jobs you should drink.
I think firemen should be drunk.
Like, it takes incredible bravery to go into a burning building.
You should probably have a buzz.
I know I'm a lot braver after some of this Coors Banquet.
Probably requires a lot of, um, like, to have your wits about you, too, though.
Coordination?
Yeah, well, that's a fine line.
I think... If you fuck up, like, in your job... The gray area we're talking about here is called seven beers.
Wow.
Wow.
Seven beers would fucking rule me.
I consider seven beers not drinking.
That's like an appetizer for you?
My goal, my goal is to get my drinking down to, to four drinks, like two whiskeys and two beers.
Seven is not really more than that.
Damn.
Seven is nothing.
I don't think I could get a buzz off seven beers.
Just beers.
Maybe.
No, a bit of a buzz.
But yeah, these kids today aren't drinking.
So, that fucks up dating, too.
Do you wanna go to a bar?
No?
I guess we'll go play snooker?
Go play pool somewhere?
Gay.
We have five calls in line already, jeez.
Alright, well before we get there, let's get to Jump Medic.
Do I really have to open it up every single show?
I'm opening up, I'm opening up a quarter.
There's weird things we do to, to like make ourselves feel better when we're feeling lazy.
Like I was, I was going somewhere the other day and I was like, oh fuck, I don't want to go.
So I didn't tie my boots.
Like somehow that saving myself 10 seconds of work was gonna make it easier.
I'll get up, but I just won't put my pants on.
I'll just wear my underwear.
There, that's easier because it's so hard to put pants on.
So I'm just opening it a quarter of the way.
It's very aesthetically pleasing, this thing.
Well, gee golly willikers, the Christmas Yule is approaching faster than a steam locomotive sliding down the track.
It's that time of year where you need to try to figure out what to get for your loved ones, who may already have everything they need.
Nine times out of ten, even the oldest boomer who has everything, including a signed DVD box set of Leave it to Beaver, does not even realize how their home first aid kit is severely lacking.
So to that I say, take a look at JumpMedic.com.
They have some of the finest first aid kits that money can buy.
You can even customize your first aid kit to fit the needs of your family or the person you are buying this for by utilizing Jump Medic's build a bag feature.
Just go to jumpmedic.com slash bag build and select what you want from their convenient drop down menu.
You can get one or more of their awesome pro or go bags or you can skip the bags altogether and just stock up on first aid supplies to your heart's content.
They have basically everything you would need in a first aid kit and you can mix and match and select whatever you like.
This great small business has a ton of new updates to existing products as well as new products on the way.
I would recommend getting the Jump Medic Pro if you need to get a gift for someone in your family.
It's a great and innovative product and people absolutely love it.
Knowing that this first aid kit is in your home, car, RV, tent, or glory hole provides a gigantic peace of mind.
Take a look at the reviews.
It's basically the perfect first aid kit.
If you don't have a first aid kit, or even if you do, check out JohnMedic.com.
Free shipping in the USA.
Enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
Ouch.
That code works for everything except Ryan's ego.
That sucks.
And sale items.
If you happen to be one of those rare people that doesn't want to type out RyanSucks in the promo code, GavinSucks also works, even though not a single person has ever typed that.
I'm just reading the ad copy, bro.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Well, now I don't... I feel resistant to... Have you fallen?
Need a little... Oh, fuck.
I just noticed this cool flashlight.
I wrote a song for the ad.
What is it?
Well, now I don't want to sing it, because they just shat on me.
But that's been the promo code since day one.
That's true.
Have you fallen?
You need a little ointment and a bandage for your scraped up knee.
Well, we got it.
Along with all the stuff that can make you feel good and healthy.
Well, can't you see I'm fucking bleeding?
Got my blood up on the shit and my fuck.
Is this freestyle?
Some of it.
Why, could you tell?
Yes.
- Jump medic. - Can't talk.
- Okay B, that's enough for the sponsors.
That's all the sponsors.
So my rant earlier was get wasted together.
I think it was a factor in my not getting along with my co-founder's advice.
I fell in love with abroad and started spending all my time with her.
That made me less of the unit.
That was one of the factors.
Maybe not the biggest one.
I think I'm learning presently what the biggest one was, but that's another can of worms.
And you see the Koreans, they get it.
The Japanese, they go out and get drunk together.
The semi-retarded executive editor of the New York Times who wrote that terrible book that included a lot of vice, what the hell was her name again?
Look her up.
She, I talked to her back before I knew she was writing a hit book on me and vice.
She, I said to her, you know, the real problem is you didn't get drinks.
Now Jews are not big drinkers, so that's a problem.
But she goes, yeah, I think it might've come to that.
Like if I'd had more beers with the guy, because when you're having beers with a coworker, you're like, oh yeah, you're a human being.
You have a wife and kids.
You grew up in Nebraska.
Your dad was a farmer.
Your uncle piano fell on his head and killed him.
Now you have all this context of who this person is.
You're less likely to fire them.
I think firing is stupid.
I know I just fired Cody, but that was too egregious.
But as far as, like, important employees, you know, like, say, Orion, or if I was, you know, still at a big company, like your cameraman at Rooster.
It makes more sense to just try to fix the problem.
Like, 20 strikes and you're out.
Because...
Retraining someone is a huge fucking pain in the ass.
When someone's a contributor to this network, they're usually pretty extraneous outside of a few.
Was it Elizabeth Rose?
The executive editor of the New York Times?
Let me see.
What did you type in?
What did you type in?
Elizabeth Rose, vice?
Elizabeth Rose, employee, vice employee.
I'm talking about the executive editor of the New York Times.
Jill Abrams.
And you look up vice employee?
Yeah.
Wow.
Not great.
Who's this lady?
That's a dude.
That's a man, baby!
Yeah, her book is amazing.
It has so many fucking glaring errors.
Michael Moynihan went through them all when it first came out.
Like, just dates wrong.
You know, the founder of Vice started a white supremacist Ku Klux Klan club.
That's one of the more realistic things she said.
Anyway, she's retardation.
We're shooting so much with these banked episodes that I haven't seen my family in a while.
Okay, I guess we can, oh here we go.
A few weeks ago, I noticed an egregious error about my colleague, whoever.
She tweeted it out, a shitstorm followed.
Abrams corrected the mistake.
Go back down.
All three chapters on Vice were clotted with mistakes, lots of them.
The truth promised in Merchants of Truth, it's called Merchants of Truth, was often not true.
While trying to corroborate certain claims, I noticed that it also contained plagiarized passages.
The following examples from the book, not the galley, are only from the Vice chapters.
I didn't check the others.
So let's begin.
Here is Abramson on Gavin McInnes, whom she interviewed.
Bigot or champion of truth.
Oh my god.
I forgot all about this.
In August, Gavin wrote a column, blah blah blah, by a magazine run by Pat Buchanan.
In the magazine, he called young people a bunch of knee-jerk liberals, a phrase McInnes and his cronies use often.
Listen to the disdain.
Like, Tucker Carlson said this a long time ago.
He goes, if you feel really strongly about something, you probably shouldn't write about it because you're going to be too emotional.
Who will believe anyone with dark skin over anyone with light skin.
He laments the liberal views of most of the people who... That's true, by the way.
Like, a lot of the young people were knee-jerk liberals who would believe, look at George Floyd!
He's crying for his mama!
I believe him!
They didn't believe Derek Chauvin.
Chauvin!
He laments the liberal views of most of the people who pick up his magazine saying they were brainwashed by communist propaganda.
I stand by that.
It's so rare I read an allegation, it must be old, yeah 2005, where it's completely accurate.
He wrote a column in the American Conservative, a magazine run by Pat Buchanan, calling young people a bunch of- This is exactly what they wrote!
Look, even the same brackets!
Oh my god, it's the exact same sentence!
Like, it's not even paraphrased!
Well, instead of cronies, his ilk.
Oh, okay, sorry.
She doesn't like cronies.
What a fucking- See, she's retarded.
What's the name of the book again?
The Merchants of Truth.
It's right there.
You probably love that song.
I love that.
Yeah.
I remember when I used that.
Every time you said Merchants of Truth, I would go...
His fucking guitar, Mark Knopfler, it sounds like Cantonese.
It sounds like some Cantonese woman telling me I can't park there.
His fucking guitar, Mark Knopfler, it sounds like Cantonese.
It sounds like some Cantonese woman telling me I can't park there.
Hey!
And then Bob Dylan sulters over.
I'm a descendant of the sun.
Fuck off.
Who likes dire straits?
I love a court case where it's a Chinese woman claiming that Mark Knopfler ripped her off.
Yeah, she's suing him for copyright.
For the case of Xinguang Song versus Mark Knopfler.
That's me!
There was someone pocking in my spot.
He wouldn't get out of the spot.
She goes... Bob Dylan is there too.
Yeah.
He's me tired.
Here's footage of Miss Sun Young Sung saying the exact line Mark Knopfler.
Why are you doing that?
Like you look at Jimi Hendrix or even we're talking about Prince with Purple Rain.
It's like... It's got that sort of like nice rocky flow to it.
Doing that, you look at Jimi Hendrix or even we're talking about Prince with Purple Rain.
It's like ...
It's got that sort of like nice rocky flow to it.
Not like ...
Fucking annoying.
It's like a massage.
I hate it.
Fuckin' get off of me!
Fuckin' awful rules.
He sucks.
Ouch.
That ain't workin'.
That's the way you do it.
Play the guitar on his MTV.
Ew!
You might as well like fuckin' midnight oil.
How can we sleep when our beds are burnin'?
Are you giving me shit for the aboriginals in Australia?
Go fuck yourself, you bald nerd.
What a goof.
See, we got them calls.
Alright, let's do the You Got Mail.
You are on the air.
I'm here to have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You get one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye-bye!
All right, next call.
All right, let's just dive into it.
Well, let's be very abrupt.
The way to keep the call show interesting is to cut off people who suck very quickly.
447, you're online.
447, you're here.
Hello?
Yeah, can you hear me okay?
I can hear you all right.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you all right, mate.
How you doing?
You all right?
Mucking about.
Sound is a pound.
Yeah, I'm not bad, Gavin.
I'm not bad.
I've got a question about ass wipery.
Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.
I just had an experience with that.
Yes, sir.
Well, good.
Right.
So I brought it up with my mates the other day, and they were amazed to find that I wiped from back to front, because I go through the legs, down the front, and look at it past the bollocks, and drop it in a toilet, and it's all good.
Their contention was that I'd get shit on my balls.
I said, that's never fucking happened in my life.
How do you know?
How do I know the shit's not on me balls?
Yeah, like a little tiny streak.
We're not talking about lumps of fucking oatmeal.
But like a little crayon line.
You feel something touching your balls, man.
There's hairs down there.
It's like a sensitive area.
So I know if something touches it.
You're the only person in the world who wipes his ass that way.
You're weird.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We put out a little straw, but I've been asking everyone.
It's about one in four guys.
Because I've done research.
Birds do it the way they do it because They're, obviously the person is closer to the arsehole, and you can get a UTI, but there's no reason for guys to not do it that way.
My theory is... Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
If you can get a UTI, that means you're scraping shit forward.
Yeah.
But again, like, I don't have a hole for the shit to go into.
But you just said you never get shit on your balls.
No, I never get shit on my balls.
But if you had a pussy there, you would get shit on your pussy.
This is just for guys, though.
I completely understand, but for ladies, it's not a conversation I bring up with women very often, believe it or not.
Are you not following me, dude?
Ladies can't do that because they might bring shit into the pussy hole.
Your bag is where the pussy hole is.
Yeah, kind of.
You have a gooch.
The gooch would be a buffer zone for the balls, but you would definitely be putting shit, definitely in that area.
Now, I do both.
I do the back first, and then to get the angle, because there's like a little crease there, front one wipe.
Stand up, spread the leg, get one wipe there.
Make sure there's no color.
Trust Ryan to have the worst possible take.
You gotta lift yourself up.
And like, lift yourself up and lean round.
It's a lot of, it's a lot of facet.
Yeah, I think you're making a huge mistake.
I also don't think you should wipe your ass.
I don't mean leave shit there.
I mean, get a Biffy, get a bidet.
Ideally, you get them with a fancy Japanese toilet, but if you're not rich enough, go to Biffy.com, B-I-F-F-Y.com, and get one of those butt blasters.
It's fucking amazing, especially... They don't have them in Britain, man.
Dude, I live in America!
What do you think I'm drowning in bidets?
I had them all installed in my house, but before I could afford that, I would order a biffy and they attach to any toilet.
Good point, good point.
Alright, thanks for calling.
I love how Ryan thinks he's a human.
He's like, I have a way that's probably common.
I wipe it three times backwards, then I stand up and I put my leg in the air and wipe forwards.
No, not leg in the air, it's like this.
You're from the cantina bar in Star Wars.
Regular wipe.
You're not a person.
If you don't have a biffy, you put the toilet paper in the sink, get a little wet.
That I agree with.
If you don't have a bidet, if you're on the go, you can't biff it up.
It sucked.
I remember when I was an owner of a bidet and I would panic when I'm not, when I don't have one.
I'm also not good at wiping anymore.
I've lost the talent.
It's like MapQuest.
So every time I do it, it sucks.
And I always leave like a crayon line.
When I'm at home, it's there's the FDNY is there just going.
Hey Bill, we got another Gavin shit over here.
If you want to lick my asshole at any time, well make sure I'm just coming from the house, make sure I'm not at the studio, you could put some potatoes and peas on there and just eat your dinner right off it.
I'll take your word for it.
Spotless.
So I do the two from the back and then like this, I lean forward.
No one cares about your weird habits.
But there's a crease.
You eat hot bananas, no one's interested.
Sometimes.
But you know what happened to me today?
So I'm in there.
I see red on the toilet paper.
I go, what, did I pop a hemorrhoid?
I didn't know I had.
And then I realized, every time I have red Gatorade, it just goes right through.
And it looks like I've filled the toilet with blood.
So anyway, I use the tissues.
And I think I get it all, but you never do.
And then I was like, oh, it's still itchy.
Fuck, I must've missed some.
And then I look at my desk, and from my last flight, I have a United sanitizing napkin.
Perfect, perfect.
Rip that open.
Dude, that's what I was yelling.
Remember you said, are you okay in there?
Yes.
It was basically a bleach wipe.
I guess, oh my God, I'm stupid.
It's for your seat.
It has enough.
It has an industrial amount.
Yes, it's to kill bacteria.
I thought it was for your hands.
But no, you're supposed to wipe it all over the seat and the rails.
Do you ever put Icy Hot on your balls, that whole thing?
I wiped my ass with a bleach wipe once and it felt exactly like that, which is a wake-up call.
Apparently that skin's sensitive to some degree.
Alright, that was a good spirited debate.
Now we got 925.
925, you are live!
What's up?
Hey man, wait a minute.
Before we talk to you there, I'm going to say goodbye.
Goodbye people who don't subscribe.
You're missing out on a wild party.
And I feel bad for you.
I'm not even mad.
I just feel sorry for you.
So enjoy your cheapness while we're out here having fun.
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