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April 21, 2023 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

02:23:02

S4E243 - KID FRIENDLY

Good for ages 5-15, the boys go through everything from "how to make friends" to "why are farts so funny?" It gets uncomfortable when we get into the "Stranger Danger" section but every other part is stupid and fun. Show this to your kids. It's safe. GUEST: JAIMEE MICHELL

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Time	Text
	Homeless! Homeless! Homeless! Homeless! Homeless! Homeless!
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
	Homeless! Homeless! Homeless!
	They don't have enough money to pay the rent.
	Homeless! Homeless!
	Because they don't have good jobs.
	Why don't they have good jobs?
	They're not getting cut off everything.
	Because of poor things.
	They make me feel darned.
	I'm pissed off.
	I'm so pissed off against people.
	They're so homeless in people.
	They don't have any homes.
	Hi kids!
	Welcome to the all kid friendly episode.
	No swears.
	No bad stuff.
	Actually a little bit of bad stuff.
	That was a band called Old Skull.
	And it's just a bunch of kids playing music.
	They're not very good.
	That song sucks.
	Why are people homeless?
	Because they don't have any homes!
	Because they don't have an education!
	They're usually just drug addicts, and they're sick.
	They have mental problems, for the most part.
	It's sad.
	What should we do?
	I don't know.
	Hey, Kevin.
	What was on your head before?
	Who are you?
	Are you a monkey guy?
	They call me Charleston.
	Oh, that's a fancy name.
	Like the Chew.
	This was an old papier-mâché mask my kid wore.
	I'm a dad.
	I got three kids, two teenagers, a boy and a girl, and then a 10-year-old.
	But when the boy teenager, he's about 14 now, when he was like 8 or 9, we went to a Mets game and he made that for it.
	It had a little blue hat, too.
	And if you dress up at a baseball game and you've made something yourself, you're getting on the big screen.
	It's just happening.
	Trust me.
	So, uh, Mr. Mett came by.
	We're Metts fans.
	And, uh, if you see that, the helmet that you see in the foreground, that's the helmet I just showed you.
	He had a little cardboard hat on.
	He even made the hat.
	And then Mr. Mett took a picture with him and then they put it on the Jumbotron.
	If you go up, You can see this.
	The problem with a lot of my stuff here that I'm bringing is it's old.
	It fell apart over time.
	And the way we made that, you'd think he used chicken marts, paper mache, right?
	You know what paper mache is.
	It's strips of newspaper and like flour paste.
	But he wanted it to be a perfect circle.
	So you know what we did?
	We got a huge balloon and we blew it up.
	And then we paper-maché that, and then you just pop the balloon and take it out.
	What?!
	Problem is, though, it's not as strong as, uh, chicken wire.
	Chicken wires last forever.
	As you can see, that thing is already falling apart.
	Um, we got a bunch of fun stuff on the desk here.
	But this show is free to everyone, and we gotta pay for that somehow.
	So we, uh, we have sponsors that, uh, that pay for the show.
	So let's jump into it.
	Um.
	Wait a minute.
	Sonoran?
	Sonoran is a desert.
	I think it's in Nevada.
	I thought it was Sonoran.
	It's Sonoran.
	Okay.
	What do you think it is?
	Well, I think it could be anyone, but there's one that specifically I bet they'd be more happy with.
	I think it's Sonoran.
	Well, look it up then.
	No!
	Yes, just go pronounce.
	And I wouldn't be happy with, I wouldn't be happy being, my name's Gavin McInnes, I wouldn't be happy if someone pronounced it Gavin.
	So it's a company that does engraving.
	Tell your parents they can have these slate coasters.
	Right?
	He made these for us.
	I don't know if you can see them, but it's our logo.
	They can put your stuff on a Zippo.
	That's our logo on it.
	Look at this cool box.
	By the way, kids, if you are... There we go.
	From the horse's mouth.
	If you're 17 and under, you probably should... No, wait.
	Let's say 13.
	You probably shouldn't be watching these other shows.
	This one is good for babies to watch.
	Look, they do hats, too.
	Censored.tv hats.
	Sonoran.
	Oh, don't look at that!
	That's just a... Oh, that's the guy.
	That's the guy.
	Sonoran.
	So that's cool.
	How do they go there?
	Sonoran.com.
	They're a new sponsor for us, so we'll do more details next week.
	The ad guy actually said, I'm not going to do Sonoran this week because I can't think of how to write in a kid-friendly way.
	Well, we got a ways.
	We just did it, dude.
	Yeah.
	We're in.
	We're pros.
	Here's what else is on my desk.
	Code Joker face, by the way.
	Here's a really bad slimer we made.
	When my son was little, he was real creative.
	We have way better slimers, but I can't find them.
	And again, paper mache doesn't last.
	This lasts, though.
	I did this puppet story about my dad.
	And the guy made my son, my daughter.
	This is before my youngest was born.
	And then we did the story like that.
	It's these cool puppets.
	And then he let me keep them after.
	And there's something.
	Someone made this for my daughter when she was a baby.
	She's an artist, right?
	And it even has a little squeaky part.
	She said, don't worry about it.
	I did it for free.
	And I go, no, no, I want to pay for it.
	You worked hard on this.
	It's really cool.
	My daughter's 16 now.
	She still has it.
	And the woman said, no, it's fine.
	I go, no, I insist.
	I want to pay.
	She goes, just give me like 200 bucks.
	Okay.
	Uh, $200.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Let's, uh, let's do that and install $200.
	This cost.
	Do you think I'm worth $200?
	And then this is just a cheeseburger.
	Oh, here's something cool.
	We're going to talk about books later on, but the guy who does Calvin and Hobbes, he doesn't sell any merch.
	He doesn't have any toys.
	I don't know why.
	It seems like a weird thing.
	He doesn't want it to be commercialized.
	So we got this on eBay.
	People just make Hobbes merch.
	Alright, we've introduced the desk.
	We've set our first sponsor.
	We've got three sponsors today, so we don't have to talk about ads for a while.
	Do you want to play a game?
	Sure.
	Let's play pinball.
	Okay.
	- Okay. - Me and Ryan are gonna go play pinball.
	Boom.
	Boom.
	Ow.
	Oh, it came back!
	Well, that's easier said than done, my friend.
	Okay, you're up.
	Oh, that sucks.
	That was fun.
	Thank you.
	I like pinball.
	Uh, we got a lot of things to dis- Hey!
	What?
	Dude.
	Oh, it's Jack Black!
	Yes, famous kids show dude, Jack Black.
	I was in Mario.
	As Bowser!
	Oh, is that a good movie?
	You cheated!
	I did cheat.
	I figured it's boring to watch someone play pinball.
	Na-na-na-na-na-not cool!
	Is it boring to watch us play pinball, guys?
	I love pinball, dude.
	You seem cool.
	It's just kind of a chill game.
	You can't see anything.
	What?
	Of course I can, bro.
	I can see my hands.
	Well, I can see them if they're down here.
	All right.
	I have about 10 things I want to talk to you guys about today.
	And the first one is very important.
	And I don't know the answer to this.
	It's a question.
	And the question is, why are farts so funny?
	Now, I have some theories.
	One of the theories is it's loud and it's involuntary.
	But a sneeze is loud.
	I've never laughed at a sneeze once.
	Yeah, coughing is loud.
	That's not remotely funny.
	Although, this is probably when you get older, you're gonna notice that watching your friend barf is funny.
	It can't be because he's really sick, like he has a fever or something.
	It has to be because, I don't know, he's had to take a medication that made him puke.
	That's as hilarious as farts, but I cannot figure out why farts are funny.
	And they're not good.
	Like, they smell bad.
	And here's another weird thing.
	If you're two guys and one of the guys farts, the other guy won't get mad.
	He'll be like, oh, dude, what's the matter with you?
	My God.
	Even if they're, oh, you know what's really funny?
	If you fart and the guy smells it and then he goes, oh, now the guy, the farter is laughing.
	Do you have any theories on this, Ryan?
	I'm not joking, by the way.
	Uh, maybe because it's dangerous to smell stinky stuff, and people like to be in the face of danger.
	Wow, that is a terrible theory.
	That is, why is it, stinky stuff is dangerous?
	Hey, I make the rules.
	That actually, you made me know less about this quest because now I'm thinking it's natural to like have an aversion to poo smells, right?
	God, nature, if you're around poo that's bad for you, you're gonna get an infection, you're gonna get sick, you're gonna get some sort of disease.
	So when a fart happens, you should go, oh no, And if you're on a bus, say, and there's an old man next to you and he farts, I don't think you'd find that funny.
	Don't take a bus, take a skateboard.
	So, it has to be your friends.
	I'm thinking out loud here.
	When I put up this question, I didn't have any answers.
	Sometimes you can just pontificate.
	Maybe it's the fact that friends establish this sort of closeness that melts away the boundaries of societal restrictions.
	Farts are usually inappropriate, but you're like, hey, we're such good friends, I can fart.
	So why aren't sneezes funny then?
	Why isn't sneezing funny?
	When I was a little kid, I remember my dad is from Scotland and I had some friends over and I think one of us had farted and my dad walked into the room we were in and he says, did you let off?
	And we, my friends had never heard that term let off and they laughed so hard like I was worried about them.
	You ever laugh so hard you try to grab air and bring it into your face because you think you're gonna die?
	You don't really laugh like that as a grown-up.
	Careful about putting air in your mouth after farts have been in the room though.
	Yeah, good point.
	You don't really laugh that hysterically when you're old as when you're a kid.
	So, Carpe Diem.
	Seize the day, kiddies.
	Okay, here's a second thing I want to talk to you about.
	And you can figure out the farts thing on your own.
	I don't have the answer.
	I really don't know why.
	How can a sound be funny?
	Roink.
	Maybe it's the variety.
	A sneeze is always hachoo.
	It's always exactly the same.
	Or maybe like, your dad might go like, ROCKET!
	You know those big loud ones?
	But uh, a fart is always different.
	That sounds like we're on onto something.
	It could be quite vocal.
	Oh, yeah, this was...
	Look how hard they laugh here.
	Hold on.
	Hold on.
	Ah!
	Hold on.
	Like, and you know what else is weird?
	The more I look into this, the less I know.
	If I was there, I wouldn't have laughed.
	I don't know her.
	Right.
	But if that was my friend, I would have laughed.
	So you have to know the farter for some reason.
	Stranger Farts is not funny.
	Luke, I am your farter.
	I just made that up.
	That was great.
	All right, number two thing.
	This is a thing I'm obsessed with.
	Do you know about the Wild West?
	Yeah.
	Show that card.
	I know about the Wild Wild West.
	Okay, be a different guy now.
	You gotta be way more of a different guy.
	Okay.
	All right, so, the 1800s, from 1800 to 1900, that hundred years was a very crazy time in the world.
	They had the Industrial Revolution, which I think was Scottish people.
	There was the steam engine, we had it for a while, but there was a guy in Leadhill, Scotland, John something, he figured out how to put it on its side and really make it mass-produce things.
	So now we went from making, like, one of these at a time to, like, and now zillions of them are being made in a factory.
	And when you have that, you have more money, more wealth, you start expanding, colonization, you're moving all over the place.
	And it was bigger in Europe and especially Britain, but America was also sort of on fire in those times.
	And we had a massive war in the mid-1800s, ended in 1865, I believe.
	It was about, it was the North and the South fighting.
	That was going on.
	And I think Something happens after wars where people want to explore stuff.
	Like after World War II, these guys came back from the war and they've been riding motorcycles in North Africa.
	They were badasses who've been shooting and getting shot at and...
	So they came back, and they were bored in the suburbs, and they said, uh, all right, let's start biker gangs.
	That's how you have Hell's Angels and all that stuff.
	They were guys from World War II who came back, and it's horrible, don't get me wrong, war is terrible, but it's also an intense experience where you come back, and you're an intense dude now.
	So anyway, around the time of the Civil War and after, they started going west.
	And it was uncharted territory, right?
	Like, you look at a house that's 1860 in New York City.
	We're in New York City, by the way.
	And that's just a normal building, tenement building.
	It's been there since 1860.
	That's why it says it on it.
	The West had nothing in 1860.
	So there was people building towns from scratch.
	At the same time, they just survived a war.
	Oh, look who it is, President Trump.
	Thank you.
	I can build a town from scratch, okay?
	Not very hard to do, really, if you...
	The hell?
	So, at the same time, out of all this global craziness and American craziness, there was gold in them hills.
	There was a gold rush going on.
	So people, they had this sense of adventure, they just had their whole lives turned upside down with the war, and they were going west, and they were digging for gold, trying to get gold.
	So it was so crazy, people called it the Wild West.
	One wild.
	Then something weird happened.
	It originally started in 1965, but that wasn't very eventful.
	And there was a show that came out, and the show was like, we want to really ramp up things.
	We want to use some hyperbole.
	We want to exaggerate.
	So they called it the Wild Wild West.
	That's 1-3.
	A 1965 show.
	It was taking the term Wild West and adding a wild.
	Okay, I got it.
	Still called the Wild West, but your one TV show changed that.
	Then, there was a rapper, you're gonna have to jump ahead, named Cool Modi, and he did a song called, that had the chorus, The Wild Wild West, that's 1-5, right?
	No, I said 1-5, buddy.
	Is that 1-5?
	Yes.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	There was a lot of black cowboys, you know?
	People don't think of that.
	They think of cowboys as all white guys.
	Kind of a stupid, boring song, right?
	Not unlike Old Skull, the song we started the show with.
	Then things changed drastically in 1999 when a steampunk cowboy movie came out starring Will Smith.
	Was it called Wild Wild West?
	Yes.
	It sure was called the Wild Wild West.
	Wow, Cowboy Dan is here.
	Cowboy Dan here and whoo-hoo!
	I usually have guns, but I figured the little ones wouldn't want that.
	But if I did want to get them altered, I'd go to Shunner and Defense.
	Right.
	Now, pull up the chart I sent you, because this is when things went crazy.
	That song was a huge hit.
	Some people like it, some people don't.
	I think it sucks.
	I love it.
	Ryan loves it.
	But you'll notice, around 99, the word Wild Wild West became incredibly popular.
	Wait a minute.
	Oh, yeah, look.
	So Wild West is still the most common one, right?
	But if the red line on the bottom, no one said Wild Wild West, not even after the 60s, a tiny bit.
	That show wasn't very big, but there's a big bump right at 1999 when that song was big.
	Now, it seems like everyone, especially when they're talking about the internet, when they say, oh, the internet was crazy back then.
	It was the wild, wild west.
	Even my friends say wild, wild west.
	It drives me nuts, because that's not the term.
	The term is wild west.
	You want to show a bit of that video?
	Oh, yeah.
	This video, this stupid song, changed the English language.
	I don't fear that.
	I ain't trying to hear that.
	The champion cannot be done.
	His pronouns are them, they?
	It cannot be done.
	They.
	Understand me, son.
	I'm the slickest they is.
	I'm the quickest they is.
	Did I say I'm the slickest they is?
	The slickest they is.
	His pronouns are them, they?
	They're slickest they.
	Hey, Bob, speaking of, this is the I Don't Know episode.
	Speaking of not knowing why farts are funny, and they are funny, I can't understand how you like that song.
	I mean, listen, it popped up in my life at such a time where, you know, Burger King and they had the toys.
	So you like it like we like Jingle Bells?
	Because it's a Christmas vibe?
	Yeah, but every day could be the Wild Wild West day.
	All right.
	Anyway.
	Oh, my friend Jamie is going to come on the show soon.
	But let me show you how many people are saying this annoying term, wild, wild west.
	The wild, wild west.
	Alright, here's some examples.
	Go.
	Give me the wild, wild west.
	That's my friend Alex Jones.
	Wild, wild west.
	Why are you adding a word to something and then slurring it because you've got to get it out fast?
	If you just said Wild West, you wouldn't have to go Wild Wild West.
	It was the Wild Wild West.
	Wild Wild West.
	It used to be on the Wild Wild West.
	Hey, I know her too!
	My own friends are doing this!
	Martina Marcotta.
	Wild, wild west.
	The wild, wild west.
	To the wild, wild west.
	The wild, wild west.
	That's two Alex Joneses.
	He keeps calling it that.
	I'm gonna have to work with him when I'm in Austin.
	It's the wild, wild west.
	Oh, that's Young's guy.
	Wild west style.
	In the wild, wild west.
	The wild, wild west.
	The wild, wild west.
	Wait a minute, did you cheat with that Elmo one?
	No.
	So he really did say Wild Wild West.
	There was just a lot of time in between both.
	Oh, our own friend Elmo.
	That's three friends.
	Wild Wild West?
	Wild Wild West!
	Sort of the Wild Wild West.
	The Wild Wild West.
	It's the Wild Wild West.
	Jim Gode!
	Oh, and here's some pictures.
	So this is a store that sells Indian and cowboy stuff, and they don't even know what it is.
	Wild West.
	Okay, it's a shirt.
	And this is, oh, is this that, this is the New York Times Crossword Puzzle, right?
	Yeah.
	And the answer is a wild, wild place.
	You know what?
	I could almost let that one go.
	Because they're referring to the mistake people make, you could argue.
	What's this now?
	Oh, there we go.
	A chat GPT written thing.
	Okay.
	Wait, computers are saying it now?
	Correct.
	Okay, I don't understand that.
	Someone put it in.
	What's that?
	What's on his shirt?
	Mm-hmm.
	Okay.
	The pictures aren't as fun, are they?
	No.
	That one, you just have to trust that says The Wild Wild West.
	Okay, we believe you.
	And then finally... That's the final one?
	Yep.
	My God.
	You know, that band...
	Old Skull.
	It was a dad who put that album out.
	The dad was into punk or something.
	And he should have said, hey, my kids can do songs.
	And then whoever heard that song should have went, no, they can't.
	They might be able to one day, but we can't put this out.
	It's too terrible.
	Weird.
	I should probably say the second sponsor now, right?
	Sure.
	Sponsor, you know, get percentage of cut money, and everybody happy.
	I don't understand you.
	What'd you say?
	Sponsor get like cut money, so if you say name sponsor, then gonna help you something.
	Yeah, so you're sort of like with English the same way that Old Skull are with music.
	I don't know.
	Not ready yet.
	I don't know.
	But here's the information.
	In Japan, you can fart, no problem.
	It's not a problem.
	But if your bro knows in public, it's very bad.
	It's like a fart in America.
	Oh yeah, that's a good point.
	Other countries, like when I was talking about farts, I was talking about the West.
	But I lived in China for a while, and they would have different things.
	Like picking your nose at the dinner table talking to someone like this?
	No problem.
	It's not a thing.
	It's gross.
	I think spitting is okay, too.
	Spitting is very good.
	Actually, you want to hear a gross story?
	OK.
	My friend is Japanese and his wife is Jewish, American white.
	And she was meeting his Japanese parents for the first time.
	And she her stomach was upset.
	I guess she was nervous.
	And she went up and she had a huge poo.
	I know it's weird.
	Girls poo.
	And she went to flush it.
	It didn't flush.
	And she was like, oh my God, I'm going to kill myself.
	And so she goes over to her boyfriend.
	They're married now and they have kids.
	And she goes, hey, I need a plunger.
	I have a major problem going on.
	He's like, uh, hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
	The upstairs toilet's blocked.
	And she's like, no, no.
	What are you doing?
	And so the dad gets the plunger and he goes, I'll do it.
	He goes upstairs and he plunges the poo down.
	And while he was doing it, she was mortified.
	She wanted to kill herself.
	And he was going, oh, this is a good bowel movement.
	You're very healthy.
	Like he wasn't remotely grossed out.
	He was impressed that she had a very large poo and that she has a good metabolism.
	I mean, she's very regular.
	Every single system's working.
	But I have one more trick.
	Well, around the world, everybody had different custom make-a-muffin date or something.
	If you ever go to Switzerland, don't do this.
	Iki-aki, iki-aki, kuki-kaki, kuku.
	It's a very big insult.
	Don't do it.
	This sounds like a lie.
	Maybe?
	Yeah.
	Sometimes, grown-ups will say things that are not true.
	I know it's weird.
	You gotta trust them, and we're gonna get to that later.
	But ultimately, Mom and Dad are the ones that you focus on.
	Alright, let's do this client here.
	Oh, I never noticed this before.
	It has a stethoscope.
	This is our sponsor, Jump Medic.
	Look at this whole thing.
	Cool!
	Oh, you got a thing to stop your bleeding?
	And then you can also listen to their heart.
	Alright, this is written in kid talk.
	Let's see how he did it.
	Hi again, kids.
	I'm here to tell you about a company making amazing products that you should recommend to your dad or mom.
	The company, of course, is JumpMedic.
	JumpMedic is a great small business owned by Paramedic.
	They make a variety of first aid kits.
	They have the JumpMedic Pro, which is their larger bag.
	Look at this thing.
	Professionals.
	It opens up.
	Can you see it?
	I'm not showing it very well.
	We also have these little bags.
	So, it's an emergency kit.
	It's not just for paramedics.
	It's good to have on a road trip or something, if it should go in your RV, or you can have one downstairs, have one in your boat.
	Tell your mom about jumpmedic.com.
	You use promo code GAVIN for 10% off.
	So this is, it comes jam-packed with nine pounds of first aid supplies.
	It comes with bandages, a stethoscope, Medications, blood pressure cuff, and much more.
	It even comes with goggles.
	So if your favorite baseball player wins the World Series, they can put on the Jump Medic goggles, and they won't have to worry about spraying champagne in their eyes, because that gets a severe itchy poo.
	With this product, your parents will be instantly ready for any boo-boo or ouchies that might be in your future.
	If you fall off the monkey bars, play in the Poison Ivy, step on a Lego, or get a marble in your nose, you'll be A-OK in no time if your parents have the Jump Medic Pro.
	Its unique flat-lay design, which is what we're doing here, I know it doesn't look very good on that camera, but you should see it here.
	It's like a perfect T-shape and I can grab everything easy.
	Um...
	The Jump Medic Pro also comes with the smaller, very portable Go Bag as well.
	That's this one.
	It's black or it's red.
	They ship to Canada now too.
	If you get a scrape on your knee at the zoo, your mom or dad will be wishing they had the Jump Medic Go.
	Load up the Go with products that come in the Pro Bag and take it with you anywhere.
	The beach, the park, Chuck E. Cheese, Six Flags, anywhere.
	They also have a nifty new Build-A-Bag feature.
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	Don't want the pro bag, but you want two go bags?
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	They all come in red and black.
	Once you've settled on your bag situation, simply go down the list and add which supplies you want and which supplies you don't.
	As exciting as all that is, there's actually more!
	And it's going to be the last part.
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	Jumpmatic has a great staff that is ready to answer any questions about any of their products.
	I'm not sure I agree with that, Ryan.
	Use promo code GAVIN or RyanSucks.
	That's a mean promo code.
	That one is inappropriate for kids.
	Yeah.
	No, I don't, I don't, I'm not sure I agree with that, Ryan.
	Kids can say something sucks.
	You should say stinks as a kid.
	And instead of saying shut up to anybody ever, say be quiet please.
	I don't agree with that.
	I egg- When I was- I egg-gree.
	My kid was told that stupid is a swear word.
	No it's not.
	Stupid is not a swear word.
	Shut up's not a swear word.
	It depends on what your parents say is a swear word.
	I want to get into that.
	We're going to talk about bullies later on.
	But I want to play a game with you.
	Do you want to play Joust?
	Sure, I'll play Joust.
	Alright, let's go.
	Ready?
	There should be two of us.
	Is that you?
	Yeah, so what do I do?
	Oh, you flap your wings.
	And you have to land on top of someone.
	If they bonk you, you're toast.
	And we can bonk.
	I just killed you.
	My wings don't really flop too good.
	I just got smart.
	Oh, I bonked!
	So, this is a joust, but like, on the wings of eagles?
	Ostriches.
	Ostriches.
	I don't think that's how they... And then you get those eggs.
	I didn't get anything.
	Oh, I can bonk you?
	You killed me!
	I won a joust.
	Doodle-doo.
	Shouldn't you be playing Old Skull when I come back?
	Well, it's a kid's show.
	I figured that we could change it up a little bit, as I am the pilot.
	Oh, cool.
	Captain Ryan at your service.
	After beating you in Joust, I've taken to the skies.
	You know what happened?
	Last night we stayed after work a little bit and Tim the state trooper he we do a show called cops and robber here and he said something like I got my motorcycle license or he did something that made me salute and he goes so that's taken care of and I went well good for you and I went like this as I went like that he farted Wow.
	And I had a kid sized laugh.
	Oh my gosh.
	And I go, did you mean to fart?
	And he goes, yeah, I was saving up the fart, but I was going to go, I got my license and I was going to fart, but I didn't know you were going to salute.
	So he, it was like, that was fun.
	It was perfect.
	Dude.
	More farts?
	No.
	What happened?
	We have cameras here.
	Uh huh.
	Oh, we can see that.
	That must be on video.
	I believe it is.
	Alright I'm gonna try to go through the the nest cam and see if you can find that.
	Were you rolling around?
	We'll show it later.
	Okay I want to show you this funny so stay tuned for that story and you can see how much of a liar I am when you see what happens when you see the true story.
	That'll be exciting.
	We're about to show... I'm hoping it works.
	It might not have caught it.
	But we're about to see how I tell stories and what really happened.
	And you can see how similar they are.
	If we can find it.
	Don't get your hopes up.
	All right, speaking of hopes, I wanted to show you this hilarious thing that's going around.
	It's it's not hilarious.
	It's very serious.
	This is a baby who has stolen a car.
	And speaking of state troopers, this law enforcement officer tried to get him.
	Now, kids, if you do steal a car and we've got a few examples of kids stealing cars, comply with the police officer.
	Do not take off on him because you will get your evading arrest.
	So this is an undercover state trooper trying to catch a guy who stole a truck.
	Undercover.
	Adrian Sanders.
	I've been telling you for a while.
	Sir, please.
	No, no, no!
	Pull over the car!
	Pull it over now!
	Pull over the car!
	I'm not gonna ask you again!
	Looks like he's going at like 20 miles an hour.
	Yeah, we got him!
	He's rolling down!
	Going for backup.
	He's down!
	- Pull over the car. - - Look how brave these guys are.
	They put their lives on the line.
	Oh, that's not good.
	Sorry, I didn't know there was gonna be violence.
	Oh, he choked him.
	Ah, you see, you're gonna get caught eventually.
	I did a sketch like that a long time ago.
	I can tell you how long ago.
	It would have been 12 years ago now.
	When my eldest boy was just two, I think.
	And we've shown it on the site before, but this is a free episode.
	And it's for kids who don't normally watch it.
	So, sorry to the loyal fans that have already seen this.
	Here's a sketch I did with my boy about discipline.
	Hi, I'm here today to talk to you about childhood discipline, okay?
	It's something not a lot of us want to do, but it's something that has to be done.
	Because if you can nip bad behavior in the bud, you will have a much happier life, and your child will have a much happier life.
	Let's get started.
	What the...
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	When you see something like this with a two-year-old, you have to realize that she's passed the point of no return and there's no discipline you can do to save this.
	This is a bad kid.
	and you have to be man enough to let that go and make a commitment to yourself for the next kid to be better at discipline so something like this doesn't happen. - Oh, what the ?
	Come on, guy!
	Jesus Christ!
	Look at this!
	Look at this!
	You got rubber boots on the ground.
	You got all your chairs in here.
	You got three chairs.
	Have some f***ing self-respect.
	Come on, we talked about this.
	I'm really pissed off right now and I'm tempted to do something drastic, but what's important in these kind of situations is you sort of keep a grip on yourself and go, it's just a messy room, okay?
	And even though this kid has attitude and he wants to push me, I'm not going to take the bait.
	You have to understand with shit like this, like a messy room, what the kid's doing is they're pushing your boundaries to see where they stand.
	And it's important to keep your cool when that kind of thing happens and just say, I'm going to show you who's boss.
	And the best way to do that is a simple timeout.
	So we just put him down here and we establish, hey, Hey, you know how I feel about messy rooms?
	You know how I feel about respecting your father?
	Look at me.
	Hey, hey, Buster.
	Look at me.
	You're getting a time out, okay?
	And I'll let you get up when you're ready to apologize, okay?
	What the f***?
	Oh my God!
	Jesus Christ!
	What the fuck is he doing?
	Hey!
	Oh my God!
	Open the door!
	Open the door!
	Hey!
	Hey!
	Open the door!
	Duncan!
	Open the door, young man.
	I swear to God.
	Jesus Christ, are you out of your mind?
	What are you doing?
	You can't drive.
	You can barely reach the steering wheel.
	You could have killed yourself.
	I was telling you to stop from way back there.
	Why the hell do you even have a seatbelt on?
	That doesn't make any sense.
	This is a huge deal.
	This is the worst thing you've ever done.
	And we're going back to get a thrashing.
	I'm really angry with you.
	Really angry.
	That is unacceptable.
	Jesus, what are you, out of your mind?
	You could have died.
	Spanking a baby is one of the most complicated spankings you'll ever do in your life because of their sheer tininess.
	If I was to spank him with my full hand what would I do is I'd end up covering most of his body and that's patting him on the back which is the last thing you want to do when someone steals a car.
	So I'm going to show you how to spank a baby You'll notice the bum is only about the size of half of the palm of my hand.
	So, we take your index finger and your forefinger and try to reduce the spank to that.
	And it's gotta be winding blows, so he knows that stealing a car is something we don't tolerate in this family.
	I would suggest around seven.
	Okay?
	And...
	What the ?
	Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
	What the hell is going on here?
	Hey, look at me, look at me.
	You can't look at me, can you?
	Duncan, let me explain something to you, okay?
	Stealing money is a big deal because it says you don't respect me.
	Don't eat it, don't eat it, don't eat it.
	If you don't respect me, we don't have a relationship because our relationship is about you valuing your father's judgment.
	The first temptation here is going to be spare the rod, spoil the child.
	And I know I've said that in the past, but this is a bigger deal.
	He needs to understand that not only is it bad to steal from your father, it's bad to steal because that's bad for society.
	Ew, look at the little feet.
	Ah, look at the little feet.
	I made you steal! Feet! Feet!
	Hey baby, fall back here!
	Feet! Feet! Feet! Feet! Feet! Feet!
	That's exactly what he is.
	I don't know if it's clear.
	I wrote thief on his forehead.
	And then paraded him through the town.
	Oh my.
	Yeah.
	It's weird because you don't want to show your kids on TV as they get older.
	But when they're babies, they don't have that face anymore.
	So I always thought it's weird when people blur out the baby's face.
	He's going to have that face for like a year.
	You could show it to the world!
	Hopefully I have this face for the rest of my life.
	Wow, you're handsome!
	You're like a handsome, cool, Asian, Fonz, daredevil, magician guy who lives in Vegas.
	How'd you know?
	Oh man, I bet you make the craziest burgers with like jalapenos and they're all spicy and there's... Get this.
	What?
	I put an onion ring in the bun.
	Yeah, that's what I was imagining you do, yeah.
	And I bet there's, when you're making it, there's fire everywhere and you're just... Lots of fire.
	You're fun, I bet.
	I bet you have a red Mustang convertible, am I right?
	What year?
	What?
	Wait, what year?
	No, because you got it right, but I want to see if you get the year.
	Oh, so I think the correct response would be correct.
	Can you guess the year?
	I don't like saying correct unless it's exactly correct.
	OK, well, it is exactly correct, you said.
	Trick question.
	I've got every year of the Mustang convertible.
	Oh, nice.
	Yes.
	There must be like dozens of them.
	I don't know how to count.
	Probably a dozen.
	All right.
	I want to get kind of serious, guys, after all of that comedy.
	And I want to talk about making friends.
	But first, I want to introduce my friend Jamie.
	I've known for about seven years, I'd say.
	Jamie, are you there?
	I am.
	Hello.
	How are you doing?
	Good.
	How are you?
	You got a little dimple on your forehead.
	Do I?
	I do, huh?
	I might need to get a little Botox.
	What's that from?
	Uh, age.
	I'm looking, yeah.
	No, I've always had that.
	It's just kind of a, oh, you mean right here?
	Yeah, yeah.
	That is actually, uh, I ran into a table when I was a baby.
	The corner of a table.
	Or a toddler.
	Everyone has one of those!
	My son, he ran into a table, he was on his scooter and it hit the carpet and he's got a dent right there.
	I've got one right here.
	Every kid in the world has a scar somewhere here from a coffee table.
	Yeah, it's kind of messed up.
	It's been there my whole life.
	I thought you were talking about this, this crease, that's age.
	This is running into a table.
	By the way, I can't see you, I'm seeing your producer on the screen.
	Oh, that sounds like a mistake.
	Can you see me now?
	Not yet.
	Yes, now I can.
	OK, good.
	I wanted to talk to you about when you were a kid, what it was like.
	Where did you grow up?
	Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
	And what were you like as, say, a eight year old?
	You know, I was a tomboy my whole childhood growing up.
	I'm still a tomboy.
	But as a kid, you know, I liked sports.
	I like playing in the mud.
	I never, I despised dresses.
	It was like, you know, toxic to me when my parents tried to put me in a dress to go somewhere fancy.
	I absolutely hated it.
	I threw a huge fit.
	You know, I was always more comfortable in less girly attire and doing less girly things, stereotypically, you know?
	Did you hang out with boys or girls?
	Um, both.
	But you know, you know, a lot of my girl friends, my friends that were girls growing up, they were also tomboys.
	You know, we all I ran with a crew that loved playing outside.
	You know, we preferred playing kickball over sitting around playing with Barbies and having tea parties.
	So did you ever have any dollies?
	You know, I did have some Barbies.
	My parents got me Barbies.
	And all I did with them was cut their hair.
	I just liked cutting all their hair off.
	Yeah.
	I'm glad you grew your hair out.
	I think you're prettier with long hair.
	Thank you.
	Yeah.
	I've gone through, um, for people that may know me and have been following me for years, um, when I started, you know, my online persona is the gay who, Oh, the gay who strayed.
	I don't know if we should mention that.
	Uh, yeah, I had very short hair and I'm, I've been an androgynous woman my whole life, my whole adult life.
	You know, after I, Was a kid, as a tomboy, I've always been an androgynous woman.
	And I've remained on that journey.
	That's how I feel comfortable with myself.
	I wear men's clothes.
	But I love being a woman and I love being a girl.
	Yeah, so that's what I wanted to ask you.
	Let's say you're, I'm Magic, right?
	And you're eight years old and you can go into this big booth.
	It's like a phone booth, like Doctor Who.
	And we push a button and you go, you're a boy.
	Would you have liked to do that back then?
	No, I would not.
	And I'm very glad that my parents never thought that, you know, maybe I should have been a boy.
	They never had that idea in their head.
	Because we grew up in a little bit different times than what's being taught to kids now.
	I never once thought that I wanted to be a boy.
	I never once thought as an adult that I wanted to be a man.
	I've always been very happy with who I am and I've embraced my uniqueness.
	Uh, and you know, I would like kids to know that, um, no matter how you are, whatever you like, there is no right or wrong way to be a boy or a girl.
	Um, you know, it's just your personality and that's a beautiful thing.
	So there's lots of different ways to be a girl.
	You can be a girl who likes sports, who wears jeans, who gets muddy, who wants to play with snakes.
	That's a girl.
	That's a girl.
	Yep, it's totally fine.
	That doesn't mean that you are a boy.
	And if you're a boy that likes playing with Barbies more than getting dirty in the mud, that's okay too.
	It's okay to explore and whatever you're into, whatever you like doing, there's no right or wrong way to be a boy or a girl.
	You know, when my eldest boy was about six or seven, he was obsessed with Spider-Man.
	And if he could have gone in a magic machine, he would have had web slingers put here, he would have had maybe the entire Spider-Man uniform tattooed on his body so he didn't have to put it on, it would just always be there.
	And now he's not into Spider-Man at all, now he's into baseball.
	So good thing we didn't tattoo a Spider-Man costume on him when he was seven.
	Yeah, kids change their minds, their interests develop, they go through phases.
	You know, one year they may be really into Spider-Man, the next they want to be a pirate.
	Right.
	You know, and that's just part of childhood and growing.
	Wouldn't it be terrible if a little kid wanted to be a pirate and they cut his hand off so he could have a claw, and then they cut his foot off so he could have a peg?
	He'd be like an authentic pirate, but then when he doesn't want to be a pirate anymore, he's in trouble.
	Yeah, when you grow out of that pirate phase, you wake up one day and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm missing my hand.
	I don't have a leg.
	I don't want to do this anymore, but how do I get that back?
	You can't.
	That's unfortunate, you know?
	That's... Yeah.
	Jamie, I'm glad you're still a girl.
	I'm glad you're a tomboy.
	And I love being your friend.
	I love being yours.
	Thanks for having me, Gavin.
	See you, Jamie.
	Bye.
	That was fun.
	Yeah.
	You know what?
	That sort of brings me to... Oh, I have a song about it.
	Okay, I'm ready.
	Would you like to hear it?
	Yeah.
	I pressed a bunch of other buttons, but whatever.
	You can be fat.
	You can be a nerd.
	It doesn't matter.
	Cause you're still worth it.
	Right.
	And I want you to know, buddy, that if I don't like you, it's not because you're a nerd or you have a chipmunk's face.
	It's because I don't like your personality.
	Hypothetically.
	And that doesn't mean you're a bad person.
	It just means my taste is you suck.
	Hypothetically.
	Yeah.
	I don't know what that word means, but I don't judge people based on things like the way they were born.
	I judge people on Who they are, and I don't like who you are.
	Just kidding.
	Actually, that brings us to the third thing I wanted to talk about.
	No, does it?
	You know what?
	I'm messing around... At least I know what I'm doing in this life.
	Good point.
	I've never done this before.
	I've never done a kid show before.
	I'm kind of... I'm not on familiar territory.
	Let's go to the third thing I want to talk about, which is how to make friends.
	Okay, it's different for different ages, it's different for boys and girls, but let's do like, you're at a new school, you're six, maybe seven, you're a boy.
	My six-year-old taught me this.
	He said, the way to make friends is, you go up to a guy and you say, hey, I like your folder.
	And then he goes, oh, thanks.
	Then he feels good and now you guys are friends.
	Say a nice thing about the guy.
	Like, oh those are cool shoes.
	Then drop it.
	And then he'll go.
	Hey, he likes my shoes.
	I did this as an adult once I took his advice We were going to a baseball game and this guy had a cool truck from you know 1986 or something an old cool vintage truck and it was small.
	It's like a mini Toyota 1975 thing 85 and I said wow, I love your truck and he loves it, too Obviously if you have a truck from and I wasn't lying But obviously if you have a truck from a long time ago, it's something that's important to you, it takes time to maintain, you don't just have an 85 truck for no reason.
	And we bonded on that, we talked about the truck, now we're talking, and we became pals!
	Another piece of advice I would have for boys is choose a team.
	Even if you're not even that into baseball, say the Yankees, say the Mets.
	My team's the Mets.
	People, if you say the Mets, people go, you're crazy.
	Why do you constantly suffer?
	And you're like, you're not wrong.
	Don't get angry about it if they criticize your team.
	And if you're in a team like the Mets, you're used to criticism.
	And if you're younger than that, I would also advise you have a superhero.
	Because most kids, most boys will say, what team do you support?
	What superhero do you like?
	I like Wolverine.
	I really like the Flash.
	And then one time my son had a fight with a guy because he said, you like the Hulk?
	My son liked the Hulk before Spider-Man.
	And he goes, the Hulk's a bad guy.
	And my son was five at the time.
	He goes, he's not bad, he's troubled.
	And they didn't talk for a few days.
	Now they're friends again.
	And a fourth thing, I could have made this a whole green screen actually.
	A fourth thing I want to talk about for boys, and this applies to girls too I guess.
	When you get to a new school, what the hell?
	When you get to a new school, It's sort of like prison.
	If you go to prison, there's gonna be a guy who's like, hey, what's going on?
	Hey, hey, you just got here, what are you in for?
	There's a reason that guy has no friends.
	So he might end up being your friend, probably not.
	So I wouldn't, you know, latch onto the very first guy you see.
	When you arrive in prison, and you will, believe me, no, I'm just kidding.
	When you arrive in school, at a new school, bide your time.
	Take it easy.
	Relax.
	It's gonna suck.
	Sorry.
	Lots of things suck.
	Going to the dentist sucks.
	And you just, you might end up eating lunch alone the first time.
	When you meet people, they're like, hi, how you doing?
	Be nice to them, but also be kind of like a porcupine, especially if you're a girl.
	Be wary of other girls.
	I'm going to get to the girl thing in a second because it's totally different.
	I know I said to Jamie that, uh, uh, Wait a minute.
	I gotta introduce that that there's many many ways to be a girl But there are certain things you can tell generally speaking with girls and boys So, uh My brain just fell apart.
	Yeah, so you get in there what's going on?
	Well, as somebody whose brain fell apart and their eye lifted about 2.7 inches, I can relate.
	And it was tough for me to make friends, too.
	Yeah, it should be.
	But thank God you gave me that advice, and now I have all the friends in...
	You know, you being disfigured is the term, brings up a good point too.
	Oh, I'll bring that up with bullies.
	Yeah, I'll get to bullies in a second.
	So anyway, back to making friends.
	So you're at the cafeteria, you might eat lunch alone.
	Eventually, trust me, you will get your little crew together.
	The first few guys you hang out with might not be your thing.
	Like, say you're super into sports, you're probably going to end up with the jocks.
	And I can't recommend sports enough for kids because You have a crew.
	You have a gang.
	You have a group of guys.
	And your baseball team ends up being your friend.
	Like you sleep over and you guys go on trips together.
	And so it's like a built-in crew.
	And it usually lasts for years.
	So that's a big thing.
	If you're not a sports guy, if you're more of a funny guy, trust me, eventually these things even out and the other funny guys will end up like laughing at your jokes and you'll end up in the funny crew.
	Just be patient.
	And accept it's gonna suck.
	Now here's a fourth option.
	You're sort of on the spectrum and you're really weird and you have trouble making friends.
	Oh well, those are the cards you're dealt.
	And it's okay to eat lunch alone.
	So you don't have many friends.
	That's life.
	You gotta just sort of deal with the cards you're dealt.
	And eventually even those guys do figure it out.
	Now, girls making friends, this is tough.
	I asked around a few people and they said, a lot of them said, girls are mean.
	Good luck with that.
	I remember when my daughter was about five, there was this woman who called herself a woman.
	There was this other five-year-old girl who called herself the queen and everyone else were called her servants.
	And if you didn't want to be the queen's servant, you couldn't hang out with those girls.
	And so I said, uh, no, McInnes's are not servants.
	You're not, tell her no.
	And so she did.
	And then my daughter couldn't hang out with those girls.
	And then I realized later, maybe I shouldn't have got, maybe I shouldn't have meddled.
	Maybe the queen servants thing was just a silly joke.
	And I'm sitting there making her quit her friends on a, as an act of principle.
	So, uh, with girls, totally different scenario, right?
	I would say when you get to a new school, be a porcupine.
	Have your quills ready.
	You can have people come close to you, but be wary of everyone around you and slowly build friendships and loyalties and be, have your back on a swivel.
	I'm sorry.
	That sounds terrible, doesn't it?
	It sounds more like the prison analogy I used, but girls can get pretty darn mean.
	And, uh, They'll stab you in the back.
	So just be wary if you're a girl and you're in a new school and be like a porcupine.
	Another thing I would say to girls is as far as friendship and in general, your emotions are valid.
	With boys, you don't wanna be a crybaby so much, but with girls, if you're feeling jealous, that's a real emotion.
	You feel jealous.
	If you wanna cry, you should cry.
	That's real.
	If you're sad, don't go, oh, I can't be sad.
	Be sad.
	This girl called me recently, a friend of mine that I worked with, and she had broken up with her boyfriend.
	She thought he was gonna marry her, and he didn't.
	He dumped her.
	And she said, I just keep watching TV, eating ramen noodles and crying, and I'm calling you because you're a jerk.
	And I know you'll tell me to snap out of it and stop being such a baby.
	I almost said a bad word.
	And I said, no, I'm not saying that.
	You should cry.
	You went through a horrible thing.
	You were going to be married to this guy.
	You could add kids.
	They would add kids.
	It's a major thing that you guys are not together anymore.
	So you should be sitting in bed crying.
	You shouldn't, you know, go to a therapist and have medication and get over it.
	Don't get over it.
	Like go through the sadness.
	That's part of life.
	That's the experience.
	Uh, do you have any more tips on making friends?
	I love making friends!
	I'm Elmo!
	Yeah, you're a very likable guy, Elmo.
	I don't see how anyone could dislike you.
	But, you know, do you have many friends?
	Elmo is very magnanimous, has lots of friends.
	Cookie Monster, and Telly, and Big Bird.
	That guy with the mustache who has the annoying collar?
	What's his name?
	Mr. Noodles!
	Mr. Noodles?
	Oh, yeah!
	You guys still friends?
	Oh, yeah!
	Okay.
	Let's take a different turn.
	We're up to the fourth thing I want to talk to you about, and that's the world.
	There's an offensive drawing of Ryan and me.
	Who's to say that's Ryan?
	Well it's me and you and all the other pictures.
	Well sure and that gets tiresome so why not throw a random person in there I say.
	Hmm I don't know.
	I want to introduce, let's talk about the whole world.
	I'm gonna do the history of all of the world and the good parts and the bad parts of everything, okay?
	Come on.
	Can you believe this used to be a wolf?
	Look at this thing.
	We took a wolf and we made these tiny little dogs.
	This is the world, guys.
	And if you're watching this video, you're probably from what we call the West.
	Western culture is the best.
	That doesn't mean non-Western people are bad.
	People around the world are generally pretty cool.
	But as far as culture goes, our customs, the things we do, our rules, the West is the best because it's the freest.
	And I think the freer you are, the closer you are to God.
	Because God says, I have checks and balances in nature, so don't you try to control the way the world works.
	Don't you try to make sure who gets what.
	Nature will handle that.
	And that's what we do in the West.
	In horrible places like China, they use communism.
	And that's when man decides who eats what and who gets what.
	That's not good.
	But that doesn't mean when you see a Chinese guy, you go, oh, you're from that place that sucks.
	No, you go, hey, you made it out of that place that sucks.
	High fives.
	So let me just show you what the West is considered.
	And when I say the West, you think of free... People sometimes say that it's racist to think the West is the best, but that's weird because the West is all about not judging people by how they look.
	It says, you come here, you work hard, you respect Christianity.
	You don't have to be Christian, but you have to respect Christianity.
	And you bust your ass, you're in.
	I don't care if you're gay, straight, black, white, whatever, you're in.
	Just bust your ass.
	Cool.
	So places that follow these rules are Australia.
	I would call Australia Western.
	There's going to be fun little exceptions like, I don't know, maybe in the Kunlun Mountains, there's a little village that's kind of Western, but we're speaking generally here.
	Australia, New Zealand, of course.
	No.
	Russia, by the way, speaking of white people, it's an eastern country.
	It sucks.
	This place sucks.
	The West is the best.
	So, no, no.
	India sucks.
	Pakistan.
	The Middle East, it sucks.
	Africa sucks.
	Very dangerous.
	People are poor there.
	They don't have good systems.
	This is where it gets weird, like Eastern Europe.
	It pretty much sucks, even though it's Europe.
	But this is all the West.
	This is all good stuff.
	These guys are good stuff.
	Then you come over here.
	This is all the West.
	No.
	Central America sucks.
	Caribbean sucks.
	Just for tourists.
	There are some good, I would call them, Western places in South America.
	ABC.
	Argentina, Brazil, Chile.
	ABC.
	Those are good Western places.
	And that's where you want to be in life.
	And you should be proud of being a Western dude.
	Because we created the modern world.
	Everything that's remotely good about all these terrible places, we invented.
	Westerners.
	They say, oh, but you had slavery and you killed all the Indians.
	Nope, that's not true.
	Africa invented slavery.
	And they had about 10 million, no, maybe 12 million slaves they rounded up.
	These are all tribes.
	Just like there's Indian tribes here, there's African tribes here.
	And there was tribes like Dahomey who would round up other Tribes kill them, kill their women, take the men, put them on boats, and sell them to people.
	Mostly Brazil.
	Out of the 10 million, 3 million went to Brazil.
	America took about 320,000.
	A lot of white slaves, too, they took from Britain.
	Irish slaves.
	Some say more white slaves than black slaves.
	Anyway, they put them there.
	But pretty quickly, and America was Britain back then, pretty quickly Britain went, this feels weird.
	I don't like this.
	So they abolished slavery.
	There was a big fight about it called the Civil War here, where 620,000 men died.
	That's twice as many slaves as we had.
	If the modern equivalent of 5 million today, it was kind of an American Holocaust in a way.
	Lost 620,000 men in that war, and they ended slavery.
	These guys ended it first, but, you know, it doesn't really count until you actually, you're there and you say, slaves, go.
	You're free.
	So that was 1865, around the war and the ending of the slavery.
	And these guys, these Africans never apologized for rounding up those slaves.
	Kind of mean.
	But as far as the Indians go, we'll have to start with the beginning of civilization.
	So this whole thing started when God went, boom, let there be light.
	Boom, he made the universe.
	This is about four billion years old.
	Humans started out here in Africa.
	Black guys, we were all black guys.
	Then we started going in various directions, exploring.
	Some went this way, some went that way.
	This was called the Fertile Crescent.
	The Middle East used to be great.
	This is where the most food would grow.
	I think the Indians went all the way up here and went down here.
	And that's how you had the Indians.
	So eventually, you know, when things really got cooking, I guess in the 1800s, 1700s?
	When were the Indian Wars?
	Look it up.
	So the Europeans came over here And fought with the Indians.
	It was not, everyone says it was like, hey, give me your land.
	The tribes were already warring here.
	The Indian tribes were warring.
	The Europeans were just another tribe.
	And they were warring with all the other tribes.
	This was a crazy war for 360 years.
	Remember World War II with the Nazis?
	That was four years.
	America fought, the Nazis killed them all in four years.
	Not, this was a hundred times that.
	And eventually, the Europeans won and created America.
	New country.
	Right?
	But one thing you never hear about, too, is Columbus, right?
	I think he's from Italy.
	He's from Genova, right?
	But for Spain, the King of Spain, he came down here.
	He didn't go to America.
	And they say he wanted to go to India.
	No, that's a misunderstanding of the word Indian.
	Indigene.
	So he landed here.
	Now, Europeans survived some terrible diseases.
	You thought COVID was bad?
	They survived the plague.
	Millions died, right?
	So they have a different immune system.
	They meet these Indians who, remember, came here hundreds of years ago, and they get a disease.
	Now, you give a cold to you or me, we fight it off in no time.
	Someone who's never had that kind of a cold before, they could die.
	So they get their own plague, basically.
	And that's spread up here with all the Indians, up the West Coast, and then spread this way.
	So that was the biggest killer of the American Indian, was that plague that Columbus accidentally So that's how you have the modern world.
	the Indian smallpox to kill them, that's a lie.
	It was some dumb idea some guy came up with and they ended up not doing it.
	So that's how you have the modern world.
	And if you look at all these places that suck, you'll see a pattern here.
	And the pattern is socialism, communism.
	The pattern is man thinking he can tell other men what to do.
	Men bossing other men around.
	That is why So much of the world sucks.
	This is all garbage.
	This is garbage a lot of the times from communism, but also from terrible corrupt governments where one guy takes over.
	Dictatorships have ruined all of this crap.
	You'll hear, oh, when Britain colonized the world, they ruined all these places.
	No, they sucked before Britain got there.
	They were better when Britain was there, and they've been sucking since Britain left.
	So I think that might be God's way of saying, don't colonize.
	Don't go exploring.
	You can go visit places, but Just make your own country better, because that's what Britain does now.
	They've sort of given up.
	Although we have open borders, and we've got all these people coming in, which I don't think God likes either.
	God had the Tower of Babel, right?
	And he said, have your community, have your thing, but stick to it.
	I think God was a nationalist.
	And countries do best when they mind their own beeswax.
	This place is super cold.
	I was born here.
	And then we flew here, and then moved down here.
	This is way too cold to live.
	So if you look, most Canadians live here.
	And there's only about, I don't know, 70 million people in Canada?
	It's almost the same population as this little island.
	But most people live here.
	This is pretty much the best country in the world.
	All Western countries are pretty great, but this place is awesome, although it's having a rocky road.
	And again, I'll just end with, even though the West is the best, when you meet non-Western kids, you don't go, you suck, your country sucks.
	You go, welcome to the West, dude.
	Let's party.
	Come on, buddy.
	We gotta get back to the office.
	Actually, no, you stay here.
	I don't like it, stop!
	I hate rubber-packing!
	I'm so sorry, people!
	There is all those people on earth!
	We will have all those people!
	I'm so sorry, people!
	People that don't have good old salicy!
	Homeless!
	I hate you, Ronald Reagan!
	Uh, so that's how I see the world.
	And if you see it differently, or if your mom and dad see it differently, let me know!
	Let's talk about it.
	You know, people get so sensitive about opinions, and, uh, it's just an opinion.
	And if I'm wrong and say communism is awesome and China is the best place to live and they didn't kill 80 million people, they did, then I want to hear about it.
	I'll be stunned that my 53 years on earth have come to the wrong conclusion, but I've been wrong about stuff.
	You've been wrong about a lot of things, actually.
	Oh, you're like a smart hipster guy.
	Yes.
	So you like communism?
	I sure do.
	And I think if you have bad information, that makes you a bad person.
	If we don't agree, we can't be friends.
	I just think it's very weak to be hurt by someone else's opinion.
	Well, opinions can hurt people, Gavin.
	No.
	Sticks and stones can break my bones.
	I hate all of your music.
	Does that hurt you?
	Yeah, actually, it does.
	It's actually violence.
	No, I don't think it is.
	It is.
	When I find someone, when I meet someone who has totally different opinions than me, I'm excited.
	Like, I don't like Joe Biden.
	But when someone likes him, I go, really?
	Wow.
	How?
	Like, aren't you upset?
	Aren't you embarrassed?
	All right.
	Next, we got to hear a word from our sponsors.
	This is not for kids.
	Kids should not take this.
	But when you get older, when you're a grown-up, you're kinda tired, and sometimes you don't feel like working out.
	So you could have a coffee, I guess, and then you could make sure you eat enough protein to help you build muscles and do this stuff.
	But a cheat, this is cheating, sometimes it's okay to cheat, is this pre-workout powder that your mom and dad might wanna try.
	And it's got a lot of caffeine in it.
	So I know a guy who just tried it.
	He took two whole scoops.
	I go, dude, slow it down.
	I only take like a tablespoon.
	It's up to you, whatever your tolerance is.
	And I take it half an hour before I work out.
	Some people take it 15 minutes before they work out.
	And I don't know, it gives you some extra energy.
	It helps you build muscles.
	It's a way to work out when you don't feel like working out, I say.
	I don't use it every time I work out either.
	This is what was written about it by our ad guy.
	Hi boys and girls, you know what's hot fire, no cap?
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	That's what I just said.
	It's a pre-workout formula that's made in the United States of America.
	It's manufactured in an FDA-registered, GMP-certified facility.
	Do you know what FDA stands for?
	What about GMP?
	Well, I don't either, so don't worry about it.
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	Alanine?
	Alanine.
	Is also the secret ingredient in Purpleworks.
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	It's not overly sweet.
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	The splendid ingredients that support tissue repair also make it a great product to use to recover from boxing matches or MMA, which your dad should do.
	Your dad should do a combat sport.
	Jiu-Jitsu, I think, is a really good one.
	I do boxing, and that's why sometimes my brain doesn't work right, because I get it knocked around.
	I don't think your dad should box.
	There should be a Purpleworks multivitamin coming in the next couple of months.
	That's amazing.
	The show's fans have helped make Purpleworks go from just a product to soon a full-fledged company with multiple product lines.
	That's a testament to not only the product, but to the entrepreneurial spirit of the Baby Monsters.
	That's what we call guys who watch the show, Baby Monsters.
	That sounds scary.
	Yeah, it is.
	Like boo.
	Like a ghost?
	Or like a diamond?
	Or phantasm?
	You're gorgeous.
	Thanks.
	Appreciate it.
	That's all due to purpleworks.com.
	So you're kind of an ugly guy, you're a Puerto Rican-Japanese guy with funny teeth, short, you kind of look like someone ran over your nose with a 10-ton truck, and then you had some Purpleworks, and now you are melt-in-one's-mouth, Breathtakingly gorgeous.
	That's right.
	And not only due to Purpleworks Nutrition, but also the fact that I do mathematics, I learn my times tables, and I listen to my parents, and I never stayed... I always stayed in school, but I never did any sort of chemicals that are bad for you.
	But Purpleworks is good, but then there's also bead chemicals, and I never did those.
	All right, you can stop talking now, thank you.
	Entrepreneurial spirit of baby monsters, as well as Purpleworks and their founder, Cody.
	Can you kids at home spell entrepreneurial spirit?
	That's like a businessman who makes his own business.
	Give it a shot.
	Go to purpleworksnutrition.com, enter promo code Gavin for 15% off.
	Don't forget to buy a shaker.
	They are now shipping to Canada.
	If you're in the UK or Australia, get in touch with Purpleworks.
	They may be able to start shipping to other countries in the future.
	This show is quite popular all around the world.
	So when we have a sponsor, they think they're just sending to America, but the next thing you know, they're sending to another awesome Western country like Australia.
	G'day.
	G'day.
	Let's have a break.
	You want to play a game?
	You want to play knock hockey?
	I'd love to play knock hockey.
	All right, let's go.
	Hey.
	That didn't count.
	Okay, so how do I do this?
	Ah.
	Woo!
	I didn't expect that to happen at all.
	Yes.
	1-1.
	Oh man, that was a closey.
	It's all about the angles.
	Yay!
	2-1.
	I feel like that just went right through that square block.
	Loser buys halal food.
	But we both get to eat it.
	Hey, what the fuck?
	Oh, no, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no.
	2-2.
	Right?
	No, it's 2-1.
	That's my first goal.
	No, it's not.
	2-1.
	I have one.
	No, you have two.
	I have two?
	Yeah.
	Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	That's a point to me, it's a towel.
	Is it?
	No.
	Come on, Ryan, get in the game.
	Why do I keep trying that move?
	It doesn't work.
	Come on, angles, angles.
	I don't like this game anymore.
	Oh, fuck.
	Funny stuff.
	I showed you that sketch earlier.
	Well, I'm disciplining my son for stealing the car.
	You know how we did that, right?
	The windows are tinted, so we had an actual guy driving, and then I opened the door, we do a hard cut, and then I put the baby on the seat.
	He had to have braces for seven years.
	I think that soother was bad for his teeth.
	You look like a Maori.
	Haka, haka.
	Cook him some eggs, woman!
	Once Were Warriors is a horrible movie you should not watch as kids.
	It's about Maori life in New Zealand, and it's rough.
	Here's another funny sketch I did, but this is with my daughter, about, well, I don't want to ruin it.
	It's called "Sophie Can Walk." - They said it would be a miracle if she was born walking.
	And I feel like that's not what we're about.
	We're about hope and we're about believing in her.
	And we think she'll be able to walk today.
	She's gonna walk out of this hospital.
	I guarantee you that.
	Here you are.
	First day.
	Let's go.
	Let's go.
	Come on.
	You can do it.
	Come on.
	Sophie, you can do this.
	Please.
	Come to mama.
	Come on.
	Come on.
	We're gonna...
	We won't give up on her walking out of the hospital, but we're not giving up on her walking today, or this week, or at least before what the doctors say.
	After she was born, the doctors said she wouldn't walk for at least a year.
	I tried to get more information out of them, but they shrugged their shoulders and walked off like it wasn't worth discussing.
	This was common with everyone we spoke to in the medical community.
	The general consensus was, this is normal.
	Get back to us if she's not walking in a year and a half.
	I really feel like this pessimism of this hospital saying it's going to be a year is almost anti-miracle.
	It's like they hate miracles.
	And they don't know that they're looking at one.
	Right now.
	We tried everything.
	We tried physical therapy.
	I would pump her legs in a running motion trying to trigger some kind of walking instinct in her brain.
	Walk.
	We brought her to almost every pediatrician in town.
	Some of them didn't even want to speak to us.
	That's, uh, pretty normal for children.
	See, you're just another one of these f***ing naysayers.
	I want to get her walking within the next four months.
	She's gonna walk at six months.
	Um, that's really not possible.
	Well, I'm talking to the wrong person here.
	This is a waste of my time.
	Here, go outside.
	Alright, so that was yet another doctor who said she's not gonna walk for a year.
	Basically, we're on our own.
	They say, oh, it's normal, it's not an issue, and no one wants to take it seriously.
	So, we're gonna have to make it happen on our own.
	F*** them.
	We started a charity called Help Sophie, where we were going to get her to walk.
	And we put posters up all over town, we talked to friends and family.
	Here, my daughter, when she was born, they said she wouldn't walk for at least a year.
	Get them out of a wheelchair and get them onto the streets, you know?
	Where they can make a difference in other babies' lives.
	And inspire other babies to walk.
	So I've been putting these up all over the neighborhood, all over New York, hoping that people will start saying, yeah, that is kind of weird, you know?
	Oh, you're born, you can't walk?
	Doesn't make sense.
	And why are we listening to doctors?
	This is the same thing with circumcision.
	They used to think snails worked.
	Oh, you put a snail on your arm and it'll eat your blood.
	Why was that?
	Medicine.
	Now they believe in astrology.
	That's not medicine.
	So I'm saying, why is a baby in a wheelchair medicine?
	Doesn't make sense.
	Eventually it became almost impossible to avoid.
	Our baby was going to be unable to walk until she was 14 months.
	It was hell.
	It affected everything we did.
	We would try to take her to bars, but the majority of them didn't have wheelchair access.
	Even going to the bodega to get cigarettes was a chore because I'd have to wheel in her chair backwards.
	Here she is now.
	She's two now.
	And she's walking great!
	I don't think that new parents should have to write off a year of their lives just because the medical community says that someone, a human being, isn't ready to roll right when they come out the gate.
	And I think that within the next five years, you will see babies that'll be like horses, that'll be like elephants, that'll be like other important mammals.
	they can just come out and go for it, you know?
	So, yeah, she can walk.
	But I think our next child will walk before a year.
	I think our next child will walk within the first two months.
	That's our goal.
	And that's what we're going for. - A lot of people didn't get that joke.
	I mean my adult friends.
	I said that my daughter, just for the record kids, no one can, no babies can walk.
	You learn it, you learn to walk at one, you learn to talk at two.
	When do you stop with the diapers?
	Is that three?
	I don't remember.
	It's been so long since I changed a diaper.
	Do you know, Ryan?
	We haven't stopped yet.
	And we also have to get animal diapers for this little guy here.
	It's gonna have to have diapers forever.
	I think so.
	One of my 10-year-old friends was lying once in the car, and he said he had one of those.
	A lemur?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you cannot have a lemur.
	And I was like, oh, you have a lemur, right?
	And he goes, yeah.
	See, and when you lie, people start asking you questions, and you're like, uh-oh, I gotta get out of this.
	Because I think when kids lie, they don't expect to be questioned, so they go, this will just disappear into the ether.
	So I said, what does it eat?
	And he goes, oh, what doesn't it eat?
	It's always getting in the garbage.
	You feed it garbage?
	So it eats garbage.
	Yeah, I caught him fibbing.
	All right, so I want to get kind of serious now.
	I want to talk to you about bullies.
	Bullies were very common when I was a kid and I think they're extinct now.
	And that sounds good, right?
	There's bad guys that hurt people and you don't really see bullies anymore.
	I'm not sure.
	I mean, I think it's natural to be bullied and to bully.
	Sorry, I'm in favor of a normal amount of bullying.
	Now, Here's when bullying is evil.
	If someone was born with a problem like they're deaf and they have a cochlear implant, that's a little like computer that you have drilled into your skull and it goes in your ear and you can basically hear as well as us.
	It's a little tinny, but if you're to make fun of someone with that, that's just lame.
	God did that to them.
	So you're making fun of God.
	It's a dumb thing to do or make fun of someone in a wheelchair or even if someone's super short, That's lame.
	If you're good at making fun of someone, it's gotta be a choice they made.
	You're mocking the choice.
	And, you know, good-hearted ball-busting?
	I don't know.
	It's funny.
	Like one time, when I was 17, I shaved all my hair, but I left the bangs coming down.
	And when I showed up at school the next day, my friends Steve and Eric were laughing so hard that they had to lie down in the hallway because I looked so stupid.
	And it was very embarrassing, but it was also super funny.
	And I think the way they treat bullies now like I knew of this guy I think he used a bad word in school, and he may have like shoved a teacher.
	That's bad right.
	It's bad behavior, but They sent him away to like a camp this I think it's called wilderness and it's this it's for really really bad kids like kids who use drugs or something and Nah, I used to get wedgies all the time back when I was in school.
	to stab someone, it's for that.
	But now they're doing it for like a wedgie.
	Do you know what a wedgie is?
	I think they might be extinct too. - Nah, I used to get wedgies all the time back when I was in school.
	- Were you a bully? - Yeah, I was a big bully.
	You know, I felt bad about it now, but there was this kid that used to have these weird cheeks named Bobby Ball Cheeks, we would call 'em.
	And I would push him in the locker, I would hide him in there for hours.
	Did you ever get bullied for having weird hairs that grow out of the back of your head?
	I did, yeah.
	How did you know that?
	I could tell.
	Same school.
	It looks like a ravaged corn farm.
	That's hilarious.
	But anyway, me and the guy, we made friends.
	We made up.
	He comes to my restaurant.
	I give him slices of pizza.
	Bobby Bullcheek's a great guy.
	You can get over these sort of bullies.
	Anyway, I like bullies.
	I think it's funny.
	And if you are being bullied, fight him.
	Punch him.
	Sorry.
	I know you're not supposed to say that, but that's what you should do.
	That's what we've been doing from cave days till like an hour ago.
	Now, the way that teachers tell you things about fighting, they're wrong.
	Like my kids were told when they were in like first grade, If you see a fight breaking out, uh, go get the teacher.
	I guess it depends, but sure.
	Uh, you always make sure fights are one-on-one by the way, that's crucial.
	And you never kick anyone when they're down.
	That's also very important.
	But I said, well, what if someone was beating up your sister?
	And my son said, Oh, I'm supposed to go get the teacher.
	I go, uh, no, no, we don't have time for that.
	If someone is beating up your sister, you run at them at a hundred miles an hour and knock them off of your sister.
	Now, My generation, when I was a kid, the most common story was some guy was bullying a guy, shoving him around, then they got into a huge fist fight, and then they became best friends.
	I could have put this in the How to Make Friends section.
	Like me, Bob, with bobby ball cheeks.
	But your first fight is one of the scariest things in the world, because you don't know how it's gonna go.
	Like, am I gonna die?
	I don't know how bad your school is.
	If some kids bring knives to your school, then you don't want to fight, no way.
	But assuming it's a normal fight, it's not that bad.
	They get broken up really quickly.
	It only lasts for about five to 10 seconds.
	And then you've established that you're not someone to be messed with and no one messes with you again.
	You want to go for the soft tissues, the nose, the eyes, kicking in the balls.
	Those are all healthy ways to win a fight.
	So I guess what I'm saying is don't pick fights, but if a fight is picked, you got to finish it.
	Now I just gotta weigh in real quick.
	Is that previous guy that you had on?
	He's a liar.
	Now it doesn't matter who I am, I'm gonna stay anonymous.
	Um, but let's just say he's not truthful.
	Okay.
	And he did not make up with Bobby.
	Okay.
	Good to know.
	Would you like to know who I am?
	Yes.
	I'd rather not.
	Fine, it's me.
	Bobby Ball Cheeks.
	Oh, hey Bobby Ball Cheeks.
	I was trying to hide the cheeks.
	It scares the kids.
	Yeah, it is disturbing.
	It jiggles, look.
	Yeah, that's pretty... I could sort of... no offense, but I could see how someone would make the mistake of bullying what nature... bullying you for what nature did.
	Talking out of two sides of your mouth, McGuinness.
	First you say be nice to the kid with the weird cheeks.
	You shouldn't be bullied for their cheeks, that's just the way they were made.
	But at the same time, I would be forgiving of someone who accidentally made the mistake of mocking your face.
	I wouldn't send you to a wilderness camp, let me put it that way.
	I guess that's fine.
	Yeah, look guys, fights aren't so bad.
	Don't let people bully you.
	And when your teachers say you shouldn't fight under any circumstances, they're wrong.
	You gotta understand a thing about teachers, too.
	You look up to them, and they seem to know what they're doing, but...
	From my perspective as a grown-up, most teachers are stupid.
	That's what I've noticed.
	And lazy.
	They get four months off a year.
	Two months in the summer and then another two months of holidays.
	They're done at three o'clock.
	They make tons of money if you look at their per hour time.
	And I gotta be honest, I hate school.
	You guys have a lunchtime, sometimes your lunch is an hour and it's half an hour for eating and half an hour for playing.
	Half an hour for playing?
	Now you got to sit at a desk?
	What are you learning about American history?
	You're seven years old!
	What are you going to do with that knowledge about the Constitution?
	Recess should be four hours.
	When it's a Saturday, how many hours do you sit at a desk reading books on a Saturday?
	Maybe five minutes?
	That's normal.
	Sitting at a desk all day is not normal.
	I can understand you want to be... You want to be crazy and fight.
	You know, if you did that to a dog and you kept it in a cage for six hours a day, it would probably start getting like... You would want to fight other dogs.
	I never thought of that.
	Maybe bullies are the result of this terrible school schedule.
	Anyway, Big picture here is don't be scared and fighting is not the end of the world.
	I know it's scary.
	It is.
	I'm scared every- I fight once a week and I'm always scared as I get into the ring, but it's not as bad as it seems.
	All right.
	I didn't want to go here, but we got to go here.
	Ready for some bad vibes?
	We've had a lot of fun.
	We've done a lot of silly things, but I want to talk about... I hate talking about this, but it has to be done.
	I want to talk about you and your body.
	All right?
	Here.
	Stand up by the screen now, right?
	I'm going to give you a force field around your body.
	Ready?
	Starting at the bottom.
	You know what that last part was?
	I vacuum sealed it to you.
	That's your force field.
	You know who can get through that force field?
	Nobody.
	Nobody can touch you.
	If someone wants to touch you and you don't like it, you go tell mom and dad.
	Cause that's bad.
	This is your thing, your zone.
	No one's allowed in that zone.
	Now, sometimes it's a very powerful and important person and they tell you, no, no, this is okay.
	You gotta, I'm going to get to this later too, trust your instincts.
	You gotta be like, this is giving me bad vibes.
	I'm out of here.
	And this isn't just for, well, I'll get to that in the trust your instincts, but I want to give you some examples of sometimes where you should say no and get out of that situation.
	Okay?
	I'll tell you what.
	Sometimes, it's very rare, but sometimes even a mom and dad can say, no, this is good.
	No, you got to trust your instincts.
	You are the boss of your body.
	Okay?
	So here are some things.
	Go to two, two.
	Uh, yeah, this guy is, is, is he's putting his nose on a girl's hair.
	If you're that girl and a guy's doing that, get away.
	See that?
	Just remove your arm and move your head out of the way and then look at your mom and go, I'm not comfortable.
	I don't like it here.
	I want to go.
	Blow it up, Ryan.
	It's so small.
	We don't need the text.
	And look at this.
	If anyone that's not your mom or dad, maybe your granny, touches your hair and puts it back behind your shoulders, get out of there!
	This is all wrong, and you know what's gonna happen too?
	You'll say, I said trust your instincts, and you'll go, yeah, I knew something was wrong with that, but other people told me it was right.
	No, you are right.
	Here's another really weird one.
	Now this poor kid is so young that he can't really do much about it.
	Especially because the dad's not being a very good dad.
	Was that 2-3?
	What's this now?
	Ryan, before you get to that one, there's two TikTok links.
	2-2 and 2-3.
	I think you showed 2-3.
	What's going on here?
	- Here we go.
	- Here we go.
	- That's, I showed two two, and now this is the two three.
	- All right.
	What the? - The United States always sniffing children.
	Why don't the parents do anything?
	So... Say... Say you see that.
	You tell your mom or your dad that you saw something bad.
	And you get the hell away from that guy.
	He's a bad guy.
	Here, I wanna show you a whole sort of montage of different... I got like one, two, three, four... I know this is a gross subject, but we gotta get it going.
	We gotta get past it.
	Uhh...
	Okay, we already showed that one.
	Do you see the time codes there, Ryan?
	Go to the 36 one.
	Here's another tell here.
	You're posing for a picture, right?
	And then a creepy man grabs you and pulls you towards him.
	You gotta look up at your dad and say, what's going on here?
	That's a bad sign.
	There's certain tells around creeps where you can tell that something's not right.
	Here's what normal adults do when they see you.
	They go, And they do a high five and they put their hands at their hips and they go, Hey, buddy.
	And if it's a girl, they go, Hi, sweetie.
	You're a pretty gal.
	What's that you got there?
	You'll notice that their hands are on their hips and they they're very sort of careful about reaching out.
	The only reach out that is totally trustworthy and cool is maybe a handshake, but definitely a nice high five.
	Hey, pal!
	That's what you should do.
	And, by the way, I don't want to make you scared of adults.
	You should look adults in the eyes when you talk to them.
	You should answer them and be polite.
	Especially if your mom's introducing you to someone, you say, Hi, Mrs. Plummer, how are you?
	But this is not appropriate.
	Okay?
	I think I've already shown that.
	I don't know what number you're at, Ryan.
	36.
	36.
	So we've already done 36.
	Let's do 1, 2, 7.
	Yeah, when he grabs her, look at this.
	Get over here, you.
	Nope!
	That's a big nope!
	I think she's adopted.
	She doesn't look like her parents.
	The kid's having fun.
	Can you turn it up?
	Alright, maybe scroll a little bit forward.
	- We defend the Constitution of the United States.
	- Kids having fun.
	Can you turn it up? - That you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.
	- All right, maybe scroll a little bit forward.
	This isn't looking so bad.
	Yeah, we got the grab.
	Oh, this part, this part.
	Okay.
	Yeah, look at him grab her like that.
	And what he's doing is he's sort of showing power.
	Look at his hand on her waist.
	Not appropriate.
	Not appropriate, kids.
	That probably feels weird.
	That's because it is.
	Your body sends out these signals for a reason.
	Your brain... We've survived saber-toothed tigers and all kinds of danger through the caveman days.
	Look at his hand on her.
	I'm sorry to show this gross montage, but it's important... Look, she... See that?
	She trusted her instincts.
	Look at this.
	I don't like this.
	I'm out of here.
	That's what you do, kids.
	You know, you trust your parents to take care of you, but ultimately, you are the first responder in these kind of situations.
	You call the police, it can take them 10 minutes to get there.
	You're there now!
	Get out of there!
	Oh, what's this one?
	Look at this.
	Oh, this might be the grossest one.
	Where are you, at 426?
	Yes.
	No, no, no, this is 559.
	We did that.
	Okay.
	- Now there's 622 coming up. - Why is he touching her hair?
	Okay, this is the grossest one.
	He says, can I have a moment alone with whatever the girl's name is?
	And instead of people going, what?
	Why?
	They'll go, oh boy.
	Ooh, lovers.
	What?
	Look at this.
	This is bad, kids.
	Look at this!
	Touching her hair.
	Dad's gonna stand pretty close.
	That's the scariest part of this whole thing.
	Did you hear that?
	Dad's gonna be standing pretty close.
	- Dad's gonna stand pretty close. - See, that's a good dad, actually.
	He recognizes that there's a problem here, and he says no.
	He was grossed out by that whole, ooooh!
	Is that all of them?
	Yes.
	And make sure you don't let people high-five you in the face.
	Is that what happened to you?
	Yeah, a lot.
	Yeah, it's not a high-five if it's in the face.
	It hurt.
	Okay, we're gonna do... I want to play Street Fighter with you, but I just want to get this trust your instincts and mom and dad are the boss out of the way.
	Okay?
	So let's go to the seventh thing we want to talk about.
	Your instincts are there for a reason.
	We've been around since cave days.
	You understand?
	So the ones who aren't scared, the ones who go up to a saber-toothed tiger and go, hi cutie!
	They got eaten.
	The ones who go, I don't trust those things.
	They're still alive.
	Then they had kids and they had kids and now here we are.
	So your instincts are not nothing.
	If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, then don't do it.
	And this doesn't just apply to stranger danger like that old creepy guy we just showed.
	This applies to like, say you're on two rocks and you go, I think I can make this.
	Okay.
	You got to sort of have a talk with your own body and go, If I'm if I think I can make this maybe I can but if you're feeling this intense fear of the jump Don't do it.
	That fear is real.
	That's your body saying yeah, you're not good enough for jumping to make this I don't think this is gonna work Sometimes people trust their instincts Then they don't want to hang out with me though
	Or say you're at a concert or something, you're a little older, maybe you're 13, you're there with your friends and stuff, and you start feeling like it's getting kind of crowded in here, and you feel your shoulders being pushed in, and your body's going, uh, this is not good, I'm in trouble, get the hell out of there!
	It's you're about to be scrunched to death, not to death, probably, although that has happened.
	But I just feel like we keep being told by sometimes teachers and other people like this is the right way to do things.
	And if you're uncomfortable with it, then you're wrong.
	No, you're right.
	If you want to cry about about a boy that you have a crush on, then cry away.
	If you're jealous, yeah.
	You're jealous.
	Experience jealousy.
	If you're angry, yeah, get mad.
	You're mad about something.
	If you don't want to be in a scenario because it feels horrible, then get the hell out of there.
	That's danger.
	Now, you have to learn to differentiate with things you've got to do, like go to church.
	Sometimes sitting in church is incredibly boring and it sucks.
	You're in God's house.
	That's something you have to endure.
	And I think you'll notice, by the way, when you're at church, you don't feel danger.
	You don't feel like, I'm gonna get hurt.
	You feel bored out of your mind.
	And you can't understand what the hell they're reading.
	Oops, I shouldn't have said hell.
	But the reason I made this a separate card is I think it's really important that you just, you feel the vibes.
	And you could see those kids around that old man.
	They didn't want to be there.
	And it wasn't because it was boring.
	It's because it felt wrong.
	He was invading their force field.
	And then, finally, number eight, mom and dad are the boss.
	Nobody else.
	So sometimes you'll hear that you can have a secret.
	Nope.
	This is number eight, mom and dad.
	Sometimes you'll hear that you can have a secret and mom and dad don't have to know.
	That's a lie.
	And you'll notice your instincts don't want you to do that.
	Sometimes the teacher will say, you can be a different person here at school.
	And we don't have to tell mom and dad because I'm the boss.
	The community is the boss.
	I've heard some teachers say, no, mom and dad are the final word.
	So when you hear an adult telling you something about the world, about God, about Kissing about who you are.
	You clear it with mom and dad first.
	They are the final authority.
	They are the boss.
	And then one day you'll be 18.
	You'll move out of the house.
	Now you, you don't have a boss after that.
	But for the first from zero to 18, mom and dad are the boss.
	Nobody else is the boss.
	Okay, then riddle me this.
	What happens if I'm their socioeconomics teacher and they in my class?
	Aren't I the boss?
	Uh, no.
	So I can't override parents' decisions no matter what even though I'm a teacher person?
	That's correct.
	Mmm, dang.
	Now, I said that if a grown-up tells you that they have a secret and you're going to keep a secret with a grown-up that mom and dad can't know about, that's very dangerous.
	That's evil.
	So you make sure mom and dad know.
	So then you go, oh, okay, so I tell mom and dad everything.
	Then what's tattletaling?
	Why is tattletaling bad?
	Being a tattletale is totally different.
	Okay, being a tattletale, you should probably err on the side of caution and tattle more than not tattle.
	But say someone is doing something like you see them steal, right?
	And they're stealing, let's say they steal something valuable from another girl.
	You should tell on them.
	You should be a tattletale.
	But every little minor bad thing that someone does and you run to mom and dad and say, he was being mean.
	He swore.
	That's a good example.
	Say another kid swears.
	Don't run and tell mom and dad.
	And it's not a secret, right?
	It's just you're being a little annoying jerk.
	So, uh, when I say don't let anyone keep secrets, I'm not saying be a tattletale.
	A tattletale is someone who tells mom and dad about every minor transgression, every silly little bad thing.
	That's boring.
	But the big things, when adults tell you to keep a secret, that's, uh, That's wrong.
	And mom and dad decide what the rules are.
	Not the teachers and not some strange adult.
	Okay, that is enough gross stuff.
	What a gross marathon that was.
	Do you want to play a game?
	Uh, yeah, always.
	Alright, let's play Street Fighter.
	Okay.
	I like being the normal guy.
	I'm the black guy.
	Oh, a boxer.
	Can you box those?
	Uh, no.
	- No. - How do I block?
	That's another gun.
	I don't like this.
	Oh, good one. - Thank you. - Whoa, we are, we are, this is a clash of the titans, bro. - Oh, trick.
	Oh, you killed me.
	Stupid.
	I don't know how I'm doing this.
	I think this hat is signed by Lindor.
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	The ones who make the truck fools?
	Yeah.
	Did I tell the Lindor story on the show yesterday about how I missed the ball?
	Yeah, I did.
	Yes.
	That's sad.
	In case you don't see the other shows, kids, Lindor from the Mets threw me a ball over the netting to give to my son.
	Perfect, soft toss.
	I missed it.
	It bounced off my hand.
	And my son looked up at me, ashamed.
	It was one of the worst moments of my life.
	Every time I think of his face looking at me, oh.
	I feel so bad.
	What a dummy I was.
	What a loser!
	All right, let's do something fun here.
	There was a time, number nine, the ninth thing I want to talk about out of ten is the best cartoons in the world.
	There was a weird time, and it's not when I was a kid.
	Something I want to make, uh, well, Everyone talks about when they were a kid is the best time ever.
	You know why that is?
	It's because being a kid is awesome.
	So you go, my childhood was awesome.
	It couldn't possibly, yours couldn't possibly be better.
	No, your childhood is awesome too.
	We're just saying that because childhood is awesome and we think that no one could have topped ours.
	So, a lot of guys will tell you, oh, the cartoons they watched when they were kids are the best cartoons.
	I see these cartoons from this era and I go, yeah, mine sucked.
	Hanna-Barbera?
	Captain Caveman?
	Nah.
	Not so good.
	Super Shamu?
	Scooby-Doo?
	I'm not very impressed with my, uh, when I was a kid.
	But there was a time when my kids were kids, around 2015, where cartoons were the best thing in the world.
	I hate cartoons now.
	Teen Titans sucks.
	I hate the way it's drawn.
	It's all these sharp edges and stuff.
	This is a parody of Totoro, which is a really good Japanese cartoon.
	But I want to go through this magical time and show you, uh, how many do we got here?
	1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 of the best cartoons ever made.
	It's from 2015.
	You can, your parents can buy these on YouTube still.
	And so you may want to grab a pen and write down these seven greatest cartoons ever made.
	By the way, this guy's name is Barry.
	He's a bear.
	He's pouring out a beer.
	He's kind of a party bear.
	First one is Adventure Time.
	The imagination this guy has, I forget his name, Ford Wimbledon or something?
	He's like a fat hipster from Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
	Look how cool that is.
	And it was this guy, Finn and Jake, going on various adventures.
	Jake can stretch his legs real long.
	Finn is, uh... There's a lot of these, too.
	You could be watching these for months and months.
	Watch them in chronological order.
	There's a new one now.
	See, these aren't... These cartoons I'm showing you aren't very woke.
	But I think Adventure Time is back soon, and it's gonna be the girl as a hero, because you can't have boys as heroes.
	That's terrible.
	Oh, no.
	So, I...
	My cartoons when I was a kid are bad because they didn't seem they didn't have this cool technology to make you know The animation that good and modern cartoons are bad both because they're lazy and because they're woke these cartoons I'm giving you are not woke They're just kooky.
	There's nothing political about them.
	They're just a fun, wild ride.
	They're a very adventurous time to have.
	So check out Adventure Time.
	You'll love it.
	Number two is Clarence.
	It just cracks me up seeing his face.
	This isn't a typical episode.
	He didn't always look like that.
	I think they're doing a commercial within the show.
	I shouldn't be showing this.
	This is not good advertising.
	Can you skip ahead, Ryan?
	Yeah, that's Clarence.
	It's just a funny, weird show about a kid in school.
	He's probably like seven and they get into some dumb adventures and do silly things.
	That guy's really kind of autistic.
	He's really careful about what he touches.
	He's always got to wash his hands.
	You know, those kind of guys.
	Turn it up.
	I used to be the president of the playground.
	Now I'm doing lousy.
	This is a play on the Toy Story song, Strange Things Are Happening To Me by Randy Newman.
	Oh, I see.
	Which I learned on piano.
	Oh, I learned on the care.
	That's mean, kids.
	Another excellent cartoon is Sanjay and Craig.
	My favorite episode, of course, is Unbarfable, where they find out that their friend has never barfed, and they start coming up with all these gross things to make him barf.
	This is about a guy whose best friend is a talking snake, but, you know, people would be freaked out if they saw a talking snake, so he usually disguises himself in public with, like, A hat and a shirt and no one seems to notice that Sanjay's friend has no arms.
	It's amazing.
	Here's a short-lived one.
	Pig, Goat, Banana, Cricket.
	About two old pals of mine, Dave Cooper and Johnny Ryan.
	J. Ryan.
	Don't look up Johnny Ryan's other cartoons.
	They're not for kids.
	But the animation here is so beautiful.
	Look at the quality there.
	We had nothing close to this level of quality when I was a kid.
	It's like every single frame could be a poster in your bedroom.
	That show rules, but it's gone now, unfortunately.
	I have a feeling they stopped doing it because it would take like 1 billion hours per episode.
	Of course, regular show is about a blue jay and a raccoon who work at a park and their boss is nuts.
	We don't need to show the credits, it's not as exciting.
	There's a gumball machine.
	There's one of the guys.
	Again, I'm kind of a cartoon snob.
	I used to do it for a living.
	It was my first, well not my first job, it was my first career choice.
	I failed at it ultimately.
	So I'm kind of a comic snob.
	And the quality, again, is amazing.
	The writing is pretty funny, too.
	This is sort of like Adventure Time in that they go over the top with the plots.
	I guess this is a parody of Warriors.
	And they time travel and do all kinds of weird things.
	It's a really fun show.
	The least boring show here.
	Then there's Gumball, of course.
	Gumball is done by some dude who used to teach people how to do cartoons, and then he just thought, I'll make my own cartoons.
	And the characters are all different, like different animation, too.
	I think his thing was like, it's the Island of Misfit Toys of cartoons that got rejected.
	So there's all kinds of different styles.
	The writing on this is probably the funniest out of this whole list.
	It's the one where I hear the kids in the other room laughing their heads off.
	I usually know Gumball is on.
	I'm not nuts about the way the dad is portrayed, but... That's my personal hangout.
	See, look at all the different types of animation!
	It's so un-boring!
	Another good one.
	I think this one is the only one on the list that's still out.
	Apple and Onion.
	Starring this hilarious dude, Richard A. Oh.
	This is one of my favorite comics, the guy who does the voice for the onion.
	It's about a British apple and a British onion going about their various days.
	There's usually some sort of calamity that happens in their lives.
	Things don't really go well for the apple and the onion here.
	But you'll love that cartoon.
	I promise!
	You have my word that you will enjoy at least one episode of all of these.
	And then finally, Uncle Grandpa.
	This one goes through the roof with the imagination.
	He's got a belly bag that sometimes comes out and eats him and then he's in another dimension and he lives in an RV and the RV's flying.
	He always reminds me of this photographer Terry Richardson, an old friend of mine.
	It's... perfect.
	And again, all of these are- it was a strange- I'm telling you, 2015, around that time, was the best cartoons have ever been, and ever will be.
	Go to the Cartoon Network now, and pretty much everything there blows chunks.
	Same with Disney, I don't know what happened to cartoons- well actually, it's a very long story, but...
	For some reason this is when cartoons were at their freest and most perfect.
	Oh, I just thought of another one.
	I didn't put on the list that pancake dude Flapjack something he's a he was a sailor a captain guy on a boat shoot Captain Flapjack or something like that Yeah, that one.
	What's it called?
	Captain Flapjack.
	Captain Flapjack.
	It's actually not as awesome.
	Oh no, I'm sorry.
	The Marvelous Adventures of... The Marvelous Adventures of Flapjack.
	This isn't quite as good as all these others, but it's still really good.
	And it was done by one of the top brains over at Cartoon Network back when it was good.
	And then I did Uncle Grandpa, right?
	Yep.
	Yeah, so those are the best cartoons in the world.
	I'm trying to find that fart.
	Problem is, we hung out for three hours.
	I got to sit through, relive a three-hour conversation just to find a toot?
	Said no one ever.
	The kids say that.
	We might, if I find it, I'll stick it at the very, very end of the show or something.
	So, So yeah, what a weird thing for there to be this.
	I think what it was, was the, the guy who ran Cartoon Network back then saw these kids drawing their faces off, like just, it was just partying, not partying, but you know, hanging out, staying late, laughing with each other.
	And he just thought, these guys seem to know what they're doing.
	I'm going to let them just go nuts.
	And he let them do whatever they wanted.
	And that's when you see true creativity, right?
	It's like I was saying about communism.
	You don't tell people what to do.
	You don't boss people around.
	You let them naturally do their thang.
	Alright, we talked about Uncle Grandpa.
	I want to talk about books, briefly.
	I want to tell you how to read.
	Okay?
	Alright, let's go.
	Let's go, I'm going to show you how to read.
	Hey, hey!
	Stop watching TV.
	I want to talk to you about books.
	There's something really important you need to know about books.
	You don't have to read them from the very beginning to the very end.
	You can just pick them up, and the same way you watch TV, you might watch a show for a little bit, then throw it away.
	Like, for example, I'm reading two books right now.
	This book is about Genghis Khan.
	If you're more than, like, maybe 12, 13, you should read this.
	No one knew anything about him, and he basically took over half the world.
	And they've dug up the story now so we can hear all about him.
	Probably, I think like everyone in Asia is kind of related to this guy.
	And then this is another great book I'm reading about American Indians.
	I've got a whole American Indian section here.
	And it talks about the Comanches and the Indian Wars and when we lost and when we won and what both sides did, good and bad.
	And sometimes I'll pick up one of these, sometimes I'll read it in the middle.
	You understand?
	I know for school, you've got to start at the beginning, and if you zone out for a paragraph, then you've got to go back and re-read it because you're doing a book report.
	That's for school.
	For fun, just nibble.
	Have little nibbles.
	Like this book is a great book to nibble on.
	It's called Gigs.
	Americans talk about their jobs and you just open it to any page and it could be like a surgeon talking about what he does every day or it could be a janitor or something.
	It kind of helps you figure out what you want to do with your life.
	Here's a good book for your mom and dad to read.
	It's called Free Range Kids and it's about how important it is to let kids get in trouble.
	Get a bandaid on your knee.
	Go to the park by yourself.
	It's about the opposite of being a helicopter parent.
	So tell your mom and dad to read this by Lenore Skenazy.
	This is a book called Moby Dick by Herman Melville.
	No one's read it.
	It's boring.
	Um, this is the funniest book in the world, The Confederacy of Dunces.
	You should read this if you're like 8 and up.
	It is hilarious.
	The only book I ever laughed out loud about.
	This is a crazy book about a guy in World War II.
	This is all 12.
	All these books I'm telling you, you probably want to be around 12 and up.
	About a guy in World War II.
	He fell out of a plane.
	He lived on a raft for a month.
	He got in a fistfight with a shark.
	And then he was a prisoner of war in Japan, where Ryan's dad is from.
	It's crazy.
	What else should you read?
	These are all my faves in this section here.
	Oh, this is a great book for 12 and up.
	It's John Stossel about why the government fails.
	I promise I won't be showing you books that you wouldn't enjoy.
	I got a lot of good comic books, graphic novels here.
	This guy, Guy Dalil, he lives in different places in the world and he does comics about it.
	All his books are great, although he's a little bit woke.
	Speaking of woke, this is what the comics I read when I was a kid in Britain, the Beano book.
	Tell your parents to buy these on eBay and get them from the 80s.
	The new binos are woke and they stink, but the old ones are great.
	This guy's a bully.
	He beats up softies like Walter.
	That's fun.
	This is a book by a woman who lived in Iran, a graphic novel, underneath the tyranny of the radical Muslims.
	This is a good book about World War II, where he makes the Jews mice, and I guess the Nazis are cats.
	Some of these are pretty grown-up books.
	What else did I pull out?
	What else did I pull out?
	Oh, this book is great!
	Miracles and Massacres.
	You know how, when you look at the world, you go, the only time that countries suck is when one guy thinks he can tell another guy what to do?
	That's what this guy discovered in American history.
	It's the true and untold stories of the making of America.
	And he learns, when he's doing this research, that every time America failed, it was because someone was Bossing someone around.
	Don't let people boss you around.
	This is good.
	This is getting a little more teen, like if you're 13.
	This is a great book about the way cops are treated in this country.
	And that's about it.
	But I really want to stress to you that... Oops.
	Books are your bitch.
	And in school, they say things like, don't dog ear the pages.
	Dog ear the pages.
	Write in them.
	Circle something that you think is funny.
	You can even rip out a page.
	Well, don't rip out a page.
	But treat them like crap, because they need to be used.
	They need to be abused.
	Books are like a baseball glove.
	Pick them up, throw a ball back and forth, and then just throw them away.
	There's some other books, too, for younger guys that...
	Most of those books are for, like, 13-year-olds.
	This is a really good series.
	Lucy and Andy Neanderthal.
	Neanderthal?
	Jeffrey Brown.
	Jeffrey Brown does some great books.
	If you're, like, 8, 6, 7, 8, 9.
	Jeffrey Brown has some great books.
	He has some great Star Wars stuff too.
	And then another great thing to binge on, this is for the under 10 squad I'm talking about here, is Peanuts.
	The great thing about Peanuts is you get really into it and then there's almost endless, like there's like 10 of these.
	You could be reading Peanuts for a year.
	Dave Pilkey is awesome too, he's got a bunch.
	This was Cat Kid, but he's got tons of, I think Captain Underpants is really good, and so is Dog Man.
	Those are great, get all the Dave, Dav Pilkey's, D-A-V Pilkey.
	And then this one, my kids love, all my kids have loved these, all the boys.
	Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
	It's, I don't know, I don't like a kid being a wimp.
	So, I'm not a huge fan of this, but the kids sure love it, so I would be remiss if I didn't add Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
	And by the same token, Big Nate.
	Kids all love Big Nate.
	And then, just like Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes is almost endless.
	I can see our rabbit ate some of the corner of this.
	I don't care.
	I get rough with my books.
	You don't want to put them, like, on a pedestal.
	This is, of course, Hobbes.
	Okay.
	We've covered a lot of ground.
	This is a big episode.
	All our sponsors are good.
	Let's get to the mailbag.
	Sure, but before we do, I'd like to announce to everybody, wearing a mask inside, although people think it's lame, it could possibly... Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	That's not appropriate.
	That's a song from another show.
	Another type of show we do and I forgot that those were the lyrics all right Ry guy The the kid ones have a green flag Fun for the show this one's kind of grown up.
	This is more like a 14 15 year old, but we'll throw it in here Hey Gavin, seeing as you're doing a kid's show today, I'd like to say that I'm a young baby monster, a zoomer to be precise, writing to seek guidance on how to approach a girl in my history class whom I find attractive, don't use the word whom guys, it's pretentious, both physically and personality-wise.
	For the past four years, I've attended an all-boys school and have next to zero female contacts, making it challenging for me to pursue a conversation with her.
	She's just in the row behind me and I've never spoken to her for that long, making it difficult to initiate any interaction.
	I'd like to talk to her and become friends.
	I don't know how to approach girls.
	I share the same bus as her on Mondays after school.
	She complimented my hair cut once.
	She said it looked good.
	I don't know what to do.
	That's easy peas.
	We already talked about this.
	You say something nice about her.
	You say, oh, I like those shoes.
	It should be sincere, too.
	It should be shoes you like.
	Or, wow, that's a nice shoe.
	You look great today.
	What's going on with you?
	That's always a good one.
	And if you say, oh, you look really good in that.
	And they go, ugh.
	Then you go, okay, someone's not interested.
	I will not be pursuing that anymore.
	One I used to do when I was 15 or so is I go, I had a dream about you last night.
	And if they go, what?
	You go, Uh, you were fighting dinosaurs, and then, uh, the dinosaurs, uh, I flew away on a dinosaur.
	Anyway, bye.
	But if they go, oh really?
	Tell me more.
	Then you could, you're lying by the way.
	You could be like, yeah, we were riding bears around this place.
	I guess I got it from that movie where they had the bears with the British accents.
	I forget what it's called.
	Brave or something.
	It was weird.
	And now you can see how she reacts to that.
	But I always think compliments are the best way to get things going.
	And not just with girls, with boys too.
	New t-shirt idea.
	It's a yellow... This is because we've really liked the way this girl's voice sounds when she's talking about an M&M blast.
	Do you have that, Ryan?
	It's his t-shirt idea, yep.
	No, no, no.
	The M&M blast clip.
	Oh, shush, shush.
	The guy goes, picture this.
	A t-shirt with, like, the yellow M&M character with some way to avoid a trademark infringement.
	No M painted on him.
	Maybe a C or something.
	I got an M&M blast!
	These are my favorite.
	I got an M&M blast!
	These are my favorite.
	Anyway, big yellow M&M guy with a headband, like Charlie Sheen in Platoon, firing AR shells, firing an AR, shells being spit out from the discharge, and the background, it says, M&M Blast!
	Written in like a Batman-esque, pausing kind of font.
	That stuff would fly off the shelves.
	Uh, that's a great idea.
	I'm not a very good artist, we paid a guy to do these backdrops, so maybe someone who, uh, is in there could do it?
	I was in over 45 countries.
	Yo, Gav, huge fan.
	I've been an avid fan for a long time.
	Seven years ago I was working in theater full time.
	When I started watching you and the comedian-turned-farmer-who-shall-not-be-named, I assume he means Owen Benjamin, your campaigns venerating, that means respecting the tradesmen, and your points about manning up and getting married and being a high-value male really struck me.
	In 2018, I left my theater job, dropped out of school as an English major, I was an English major, I wish I had dropped out, and I sought a trade.
	I ended up in the audiovisual and automation field.
	I don't know what that means.
	And I couldn't be happier.
	I went from making $20,000 a year to $75,000 a year as a commercial AV superintendent.
	For context, I'm in Dallas, people my age making $90K, K means thousand, are rich and $40K are sad.
	I'm working with tools and using my brain and I feel satisfaction for contributing to society.
	I have a girlfriend, we're about to tie the knot, so thanks for your influence.
	What advice would you give me about finance and business, he says.
	And for that I'd say, I think people don't understand that Any kind of business, any kind of major move takes hundreds of hours of work.
	So this whole like, what should be my plan?
	You gotta get the hours in.
	Like if you start a company, you're not gonna make money for two years.
	Two years you're gonna be eating ramen and getting your angry letters from your landlord.
	That's the deal.
	And I see a lot of these, no offense, female comedians, where they come out and they spend like two years coming up with a four minute routine.
	And then the media goes nuts because they're like, women, yay, they're stand-up comedians now.
	Because the media's woke.
	And then they'll be on the front page of New York Magazine.
	And then they go, okay, we got 10 dates for you, we got a whole comedy tour.
	And they're like, I don't have anything else.
	That took me four years to come up with those four minutes.
	And they got nothing.
	And I don't think they realize that Any job, comedian, artist, electrician, plumber, it takes hundreds of hours of not even thinking about where this is going and just like, and boys tend to, men tend to be better at that than girls.
	Girls, girls are sort of like this.
	Boys are sort of like this.
	So my advice for you and with your great new trade is to keep your head down and don't look up for a couple years.
	Just keep going.
	Why is this?
	What color is?
	Oh, that was purple.
	Okay.
	Can we get some kids stuff?
	This is all like, how do I make out with a broad?
	This is what you miss if you don't have kids.
	Oh no, we already did that guy.
	There's one I was really looking for.
	Have faith, don't worry, we're gonna get there.
	It was a guy, it's a fan of the show and what he does is he watches the show first and then he shows his kids clips where I'm not being offensive.
	Here we go.
	I found it.
	My ten-year-old daughter is a huge fan of you and Ryan.
	I watch shows ahead of time and show her the stuff that's appropriate.
	She and my two younger boys love when you do the Indian Jabuti Badi Chuti accent and Indian Joker face.
	What do they mean by Indian Joker face?
	I don't know.
	I've never heard of such a thing.
	Why are you so zoomed in there, tiger guy?
	So I can look bigger because people think I'm small and it makes me feel bad.
	Wait, your head is, I've seen you in real life.
	Your head is like three inches wide.
	You are small.
	That makes me sad, Gavin.
	So maybe you should tell me that I'm actually not so small.
	I'm not going to lie to you.
	Maybe you're a baby tiger and you're going to grow.
	I used your talk you gave to your own daughter about using her spidey senses and to be a porcupine.
	Oh good.
	That's what we were talking about earlier.
	I hope you still plan on doing a kid-friendly show on Friday.
	She always asked me to call in on Thursday nights when I get home from work, but talking to a 10-year-old girl doesn't jibe with the Cops and Robbers show.
	If you could give Lila, Levi, and Max a shout-out, they would be stoked.
	Have you considered making t-shirts in kids sizes?
	No, I haven't.
	Most of the episodes of this show are not kids-friendly.
	If we made like a little baby onesie that said Baby Monster... Well, we'll see how this does.
	Maybe we'll make this a regular thing.
	Not every Friday, but maybe like once a month we'll have a kid's show.
	Go back up to this one, Ryan.
	Fashion of the Modern Man.
	He's 41, by the way.
	Yeah, this is not good.
	Who is this?
	A YouTuber?
	Like a gamer guy?
	Keemstar.
	And then there's Boogie.
	That's a California.
	Your jean shorts are too long.
	They should be hemmed, not frayed like that.
	And no, you can't have a graphics tee after the age of like 20.
	Backpack?
	Also unacceptable.
	Hey, it's got patches on it though.
	The only time you should have a backpack is, I don't know, if you're on a motorcycle and there's no other way for you to carry something.
	I see guys in suits with backpacks.
	He's holding a gun with bad trigger discipline.
	Look how many graphics he has!
	Oh yeah, he's got his finger on the trigger.
	He's got graphics on his back.
	That's just embarrassing.
	The other guy's not much better either.
	I don't know if that's Boogie or if that's the guy who was in that Nickelodeon show.
	Okay, that's the problem with when people get super fat.
	But he's at Boogie's house.
	You can't see.
	Well, Boogie's always been a little chunky.
	Okay, last one.
	All Ages Drag Show.
	Hey Gav, I'm 30 minutes south of Tacoma in Yelm.
	It's a very traditional farming town, lots of churches.
	Some crazy drag lady is putting on the first Yelm Pride Fest and hosting an All Ages Drag Show afterwards at the City Community Center.
	And then he's got a poster there.
	That's a good one to end on.
	Hey kids!
	Don't go to that!
	You'll notice, by the way, when your parents make a mistake and they bring you to a drag queen story hour, you feel weird.
	That's God saying, get out of there.
	Trust your instincts.
	This isn't church where it's boring and you kind of would like it to be over.
	This is a place where you're not supposed to be at.
	That's a perfect example of your instincts going, eh, I should probably get out of here.
	All right, it's time to get to the final video.
	You ready?
	You're not going to be a kid forever.
	Get out there and have fun.
	Earlier I was talking about the salad days and how we glorify our childhood and say yours is nothing like ours because we used to ride, we used to do jumps on our bikes.
	Yeah, you guys get to go to water parks like on a regular basis.
	But here is, here's someone from my generation explaining to someone who's much younger why we used to drink water from the garden hose.
	First of all, why is everyone drinking water out of a garden hose?
	Wait, go back.
	Sorry.
	Reboot that.
	I gotta see what he's talking about.
	He's talking about my generation.
	Gen X here.
	We're literally called the forgotten generation.
	Also, very small generation?
	Oh, and we're still fighting the boomers.
	Okay.
	First of all, why is everyone drinking water out of a garden hose?
	Well, my good sir, you have to understand that back in the days before, the inside was not a place where any child wanted to be.
	No, we lived in that outside, and the outside was our place of happiness, engagement, and all of our friends existed there.
	The inside was a desolate place.
	It was a sad place.
	There was no entertainment, no connections, there was no video games in the days before.
	The TV had maybe three or four channels at the most.
	And of course, if you were in there, you were considered to be an idle hand.
	Idle hands do no good, so your parents would put you to work immediately.
	Doing chores, doing something else.
	It was a sin to be inside.
	So, when we needed nourishment and refreshments outside, the garden hose was the oven on the avenue, and they would be a child who would actually knock on the door and request to enter the home for, if they did, they were stuck there for the rest of the day, maybe the week.
	God knows how long it would be again until we saw their faces, returning to the pile of bikes and enjoying the times on the outside.
	Yes, it was different, of course, but those times were good indeed.
	First of all.
	So there's two things going on there.
	One, we call it the salad days.
	When you think your childhood was better or your scene or the thing you did when you were young is better than everyone else's, you say those were the salad days.
	We tend to exaggerate it.
	We tend to exaggerate how much better our childhood was than yours.
	And again, it's because childhood is awesome.
	Do you know where salad days comes from?
	No.
	Why do you have two mouths, Elmo?
	Never mind that.
	Listen, Elmo wants to ask you a question.
	You don't know where that comes from at all?
	No, I don't.
	Well, I have a theory that... So you don't know either, but you're guessing?
	That's correct.
	I'm gonna bet a hundred dollars you'll be wrong.
	It's a hypothesis.
	I'm not gonna bet money, because gambling is wrong.
	Good point, good point.
	Now here... What does salad days come from?
	Go ahead.
	It's the first part of a meal.
	Well actually when you're a baby it's the appetizer days and then when you're a little bit older and you can ride a bike that's the salad days.
	Right now you're in the dessert days.
	What day?
	You're the going to your car in the parking lot days.
	I'm the going to the bathroom after digesting the food days.
	You're the paying the check days.
	What does salad days come from?
	You know, if Siri ever says, like, one moment, I'm on it.
	It's never.
	You are never going to get there.
	You're not getting there.
	Salad days origin.
	I'm looking it up here.
	Let's see.
	Salad is a Shakespearean idiom referring to a period of blah, blah, blah, history, usage, the modern use.
	But what's it from?
	Maybe salad, a Greek word, salad.
	The phrase attributed to William Shakespeare in 1606 She says, my salad days when I was green in judgment, cold in blood.
	Oh, green.
	Oh, so it's cold and green.
	Oh.
	Huh.
	That's weird.
	So you were wrong.
	I could have made tons of money.
	Cleopatra said it, according to Shakespeare.
	Okay.
	But so my youth wasn't better than your youth.
	Your youth is awesome.
	But the guy that just spoke there is right.
	You do got to get outside.
	You do got to experience life.
	You do got to avoid screens.
	I get it.
	Screens are fun.
	And you know what?
	I tend to crap on video games.
	If you're on there and you're playing, whatever, Fortnite or some other game and you're with a bunch of guys on your headset, that's still playing.
	And I'm not going to deny that it's fun, but nothing beats getting out there and really touching grass, as they say.
	And here's a great example of this little girl fishing with her dad.
	I might cry.
	Oh, that's a good one.
	That's a good one.
	Oh my gosh!
	One high five is not enough.
	Look at her look up like that.
	Can we weigh this one?
	Can we weigh it?
	We'll weigh it.
	Don't you worry.
	I'm gonna start crying, she keeps saying.
	She's holding his pulse.
	Getting a grip.
	- Daddy! - Daddy! - Yeah!
	Yeah! - She's holding his folds.
	- Daddy, oh my god. - Getting a grip. - I feel so good. - Oh my god. - I feel so good. - I feel so good. - Daddy! - They can't get fired, right?
	I'm really happy we spent this time together and kids if you're getting older you should get a summer job this year.

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