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Dec. 16, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
43:09
GOML LIVE #176 - THE PEST (Part 1)

What's worse: John Leguizamo in The Pest or Croc Martens?   (Full episode only on Censored.tv)

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Time Text
The End talking about shh shh.
I hit a bed talking about shh shh.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McKinnis.
And then I fucking turn up and I hit the shh shh.
I hit the shh shh shh.
And then she's like, why the fuck you hit the shh shh?
Because I shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh.
Don't hit my line about no rhythm unless you talking about something shh shh.
You know this how we fucking coming.
We fucking gunning.
We fucking running to the money.
Got the party fucking jumping.
I pull up stunning.
I'm watching it on my phone.
I don't see anything.
Look, it just says that.
Okay, we're live.
That I'm motherfucking dumping No, I'm watching it.
It's late.
Right now fucking stunting.
I fuck up on your bitch.
Goddamn, why you fronting?
Call up bro like what we doing?
Okay.
He said we finna hit a lick.
We gon make a movie.
Bitches all in the jacuzzi.
They wanna do me.
That bitch she hit the...
That is the jam.
That is the winter jam.
Who was that now that we just heard?
Where are you going?
We're having some technical difficulties here, folks.
Sorry to start so late.
It's 8.05.
We're five minutes in.
Maddie's picture isn't working.
We froze there for a second.
We don't know who that was that introduced the thing McDoodle.
This is Gold Soul and your fave ex-boyfriend.
What do you mean?
Not your favorite ex-boyfriend.
That's the name of the guy.
Oh, oh, oh.
I thought you knew about my ex-boyfriends.
No.
I assumed that was a secret.
I don't know your favorite.
Oh, I just blew it now.
Welcome back, Matty O'Dell.
- Hey, everybody. - The Thursday night co-host. - Hopefully I don't look as bad as two weeks ago after my surgery, I look pale and distraught.
- Well, you just had your heart fucking examined. - And everybody told me I look terrible.
You look like the logo for the camera company.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm not a good looking guy.
So we've got a marathon coming up on Monday.
We're starting it on Hanukkah to Christmas Eve.
But I'm a little concerned because we've never done a five day long show.
No breaks.
And I will prove that it's real.
I'll have the newspaper there.
We'll be taking calls.
But now I'm worried that it's not going to go smoothly.
I ordered all the meth.
- I'm good.
Don't give away our secrets.
- Oh shit. - Did you plug it in?
It's got power.
This does not make for good TV by the way.
People discussing technical things while you figure that out.
Well I guess you can't do that either because you have to show the graphics for it.
Today we had Nick Oakes in the studio.
He's the proud boy who's going away for four years for trespassing on the Capitol.
Him and his buddy were there, they were reporting for their telegram show, Murder the Media, but because he's a proud boy, four years in prison.
That was the guy that was in Vegas, right?
You see him in the crowd?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah that was the guy and we said come on backstage let's hang out and then we were all leaving immediately and he just went back to his hotel we didn't end up partying.
Well he's on a pre-trial release.
We'll party with him tonight.
Nice.
Proud Boys picked him up and they're taking him out to the city for steak dinner.
There you go.
Keen Steakhouse and all that.
Thank you Matty very much for the Christmas present.
Oh yeah.
I got Basil Hayden That's good stuff.
Which is fantastic stuff, and I've never even seen this before.
Cask Strength.
Makers Mark Cask Strength.
110.9 proof.
Good stuff.
We just had a sip as we were rolling.
It can't be a coincidence that we started having technical difficulties right after, but I've never had, uh, I've had moonshine before.
Yeah.
I guess this is moonshine.
Most moonshine is 110 proof.
Yeah.
So you take a sip, then you have the tinglys, and then about five minutes later you feel prickles in your eyes.
It's a nice little pow on the tongue.
Yeah.
I may have to come up there and have a little nippy sweetie.
Be my guest.
Well, I come, hey, ooh, hi-yo!
Ooh, ka-china-chino!
Since my surgery, I haven't been able to partake.
Oh, really?
Partaking.
What did you do today?
You got drunk at the bar?
Were they like... Next thing you know, Matty's toasted.
Let's hear some more of that jam.
I like that song.
The guy invented a new kind of rapping.
Can we see the video, please?
Dude, what's going on with you?
Got some clips that I'm motherfucking dumping.
Pull up right now fucking stunting.
I fuck up on your bitch.
Can we see the video?
Goddamn, why you frontin'?
Why are you looking at Megyn Kelly?
Call up bro like, what we doing?
He said we finna hit a lick.
Dude, what's going on with you?
Bitches all in the jacuzzi.
They wanna do me.
That bitch, she hit the hoochie-coochie.
I like his little Gucci cardigan.
I'm with your thia, watching Scooby, and we smoking doobies. - Chish, chish, chish, chish, chish, chish. - He's inventing new music.
When will it end, folks?
When will it end?
God, I was just before the show started.
So I did the interview with Nick Oakes.
That should be out tomorrow or Saturday.
And we talked about his trial and how stupid it was.
He took a guilty plea.
He was looking at 20 years.
So he took a deal, and his deal is four years.
Which is what Mercedes got, and it's what Max and John got.
It seems to be a pattern here.
It seems to be the fuck the proud boys sentence.
But, uh, fucking insanity, man.
He walked through an open door that everyone was walking through.
Then he filmed some people.
He kind of was making fun of the people who were in the Capitol building.
And then he walked out.
Four years in prison.
Him and his buddy who were both in there.
Four fucking years.
He's got a pregnant wife.
Black wife.
Just like John.
John went in with a pregnant black wife and two other black kids.
Nick is going in with a pregnant wife and one other black kid because he's a Nazi.
Seems logical to me.
Uh, we got a new ad sales guy.
The other guy texted me today, actually.
He's very unhappy with us disparaging him.
This is the Oakes Family Fund.
It's on the screen.
GiveSendGo.com slash Oakes Family Fund.
OCHS.
And I think that $15,000 has been taken from him.
What?
Yeah, they gave him a $15,000 fine.
No, it wasn't even a $15,000 fine.
Shut up, me.
It was a $15,000, whatever that number is, that was the fine.
Restitution. $15,000.
254 whatever that number is.
Jesus.
As a fuck you to him for raising money.
Because usually when you go get sentenced in the feds if there's any fines or surcharges applied to your sentence because and then Every 90 days in the Feds, they look at your financials.
And if you owe money, you can set up a payment plan, like $100 a month or $200 a month.
So if you guys said $500 a month, they're taking $200 off that right away to apply towards your fines and penalties.
So you'll only get $300 out of the $500.
Well, that would be nice if they'd spread his fine out for his sentence, because they could probably raise enough money to pay it.
I'm surprised they were able to go after that, but anything can happen.
Well, they didn't say they're going after that.
It was just a fuck you wink where it's, we're going to fine you, um, I don't know, $15,254.
Meanwhile, his, his lawyer bills are upwards of a hundred grand.
The thing no one knows about Nick too is he was doing pretty well as a politician in Hawaii.
He was making a name for himself.
There's a lot of animosity in that state towards the establishment.
He pissed in a volcano, which apparently is a really big deal over there.
Some sort of desecration, which everyone thought was awesome.
And then he was working on Trump's campaign.
He went to Korea.
He was working on a CPAC over there.
Judge Jean Pirro was there.
And we have this story coming out tomorrow.
And she heard that there was a Proud Boy in a picture with her.
So she freaked the fuck out and destroyed his career.
Had him fired, made sure he was never hired again.
She just like... Do you know the story about her?
No?
She's from Westchester.
My ex-wife worked for her husband Albert Pirro.
Okay.
He worked at a law firm called Pirro, Collier, Cohen & Halpern.
She was his personal secretary.
Then he was getting investigated for the tax evasion.
He went to federal prison and everything.
Now it's joint tax returns.
She signed the same fucking tax returns.
She used the fucking ham sandwich defense For her tax returns.
What's the ham sandwich defense?
She said when you go to a deli and you order a ham sandwich, you just assume that they're going to do it the right way.
Wow.
She's the fucking district attorney, the highest law enforcement person in the Westchester County.
And that's your fucking... You are an attorney, let alone the district attorney.
You signed your fucking name to the joint tax returns with you and your husband.
Her husband, Albert Pirro, threw his fucking brother, Anthony, which was his accountant, under the- My wife was his secretary at the time.
I knew all about the whole fucking shit.
Did Jeanine's husband do any time?
Yeah!
He was convicted and sent to federal prison.
Wow.
And she was the District Attorney of Westchester and said, hey.
Did she stay married to him?
No, she's divorced now.
Huh.
And you know who sent me away to prison in 2018?
Joseph Piero.
His cousin.
Really?
Yeah.
We had this guy, he was accused of fucking a 14 year old, but he was gay.
So does it really matter?
That's what Milo was canceled for saying.
What was his name?
Gabriel... I had him on my show.
Anyway, she put him away.
For, I think, seven years.
For being a teen who had teen gay sex.
If you're an attorney, the district attorney, you know damn well...
Don't fucking sign anything that you haven't read yourself.
Yeah.
Ignorance is no excuse for the law.
When I get my taxes, I just sign them every year.
I trust my accountant.
She did the same thing.
But it's joint.
Her husband pled guilty to tax fraud.
Had to pay, I think, $900,000 back and went to prison.
But she got off.
But wait a minute.
Most people have an accountant do their taxes.
Nobody looks at that dumb stack.
Anthony Pirro.
No one looks at that dumb stack they get.
They just sign the back.
So we could all be committing tax frauds.
There's a big saying in law.
Ignorance is no fucking excuse.
Ignorance is no fucking excuse.
Ignorance is no excuse.
You can't be ignorant of the law and say, well, I didn't know.
It's carved in marble above many courthouses.
Especially as a district attorney, you should know better.
But the ham sandwich defense, unbelievable.
So yeah, we got a message from our old ad sales guy and he says, Oh, wait a minute.
That's a different guy.
Someone used the n-word recently and said you'll be hearing from my lawyers.
Yeah, here it is.
For the fourth time you've called us niggers and retards.
My later will be in touch.
Keep it up, Svachim Merrigan.
My layer will be in touch, he says.
This is not at 3 a.m.
This is at 4.35 p.m.
yesterday.
What was that name?
That's our old ad sales guy.
I don't recall calling him the n-word.
No, I don't think there's any disparaging comments.
My problem with him is allowing for bigotry, for allowing bigotry to be linked to our clients.
Wow, that cask shit is kicking in.
So anyway, we have a new sponsor, well an old sponsor that's back with a new ad sales guy, BeardVet.
So promo code Gavin for 15% off.
I printed out the old read because it's pretty much the same now.
They don't really care what we say.
They're going to be sending us the coffee individually rather than sending it to a middleman.
Fantastic company with a large variety of products from whole bean to ground to espresso available in a variety of different roasts.
This is made in America by vets.
So I couldn't think of a better Christmas present for a patriot than American made veteran owned coffee.
And beer products.
And beer products.
He wants to try to push the... I'm reading the sales guy's notes.
The coffee tumbler combo which is a 12 ounce bag of BeardVet Excellence coffee plus a double wall insulated stainless steel dishwasher safe 20 ounce tumbler.
Grunt cups are also now available, which is the premium house blend excellence coffee in K-cup form for extra convenience.
It's so easy that Ryan can now make a cup of coffee all by himself.
Nice.
I'm actually just finishing up a bag of Fallout.
And what's Fallout?
Like a pumpkin blend.
From BeardVet?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you've already got your BeardVet?
No, no, no.
I had it from when they initially posted it.
They have amazing beard grooming products, a variety of beard oils and grooming products, as well as full beard grooming kits, which come in cool waterproof ammo case.
I think I'm going to start waxing this again.
I'm starting to see errant, uh, hairs sticking up in my peripheral vision and it's distracting.
They aren't just veterans of having a beard.
They're veterans of the United States military.
They've defended the country and have stood by the show.
Um, And they have Maddie's address, so they're gonna be sending some more coffee and other things.
So welcome back, BeardVet, to the show!
Now as you know folks, this is the show that we do for free, that's why we have sponsors, and then we go behind the paywall.
I try to keep it, the free part, down to half an hour, but it never is.
It's often an hour and 15 minutes.
We have super chats that are used to raise money for our friends Max and John who are just finishing up a four year sentence for a 17 second fight with Antifa.
And we take calls and we answer letters.
Now the amount of letters we get is insane.
It's in the thousands but I read every single one.
It takes me about an hour every morning.
A lot of people complaining, by the way, about the downloads, the compound sensor downloads.
What's that about, Ryguy?
Took a while yesterday for it to post.
Yeah, it did.
So we had a workflow set up with somebody involved that... Boring!
Okay.
Let's try to fix that, okay?
Yes, already on it.
Um, let's just dive into a letter to give you a taste of what the letters are.
Gav, I was listening to you and Ant talk yesterday about the brutality that the Indians inflicted upon the white man during the Indian Wars, and I was reminded of something I read about earlier.
Apparently the very first school massacre in American history was carried out by the Lenape Indians during Pontiac's war, which by the numbers they seem to have won, and the details are horrific.
People say that guns have made schools less safe, but personally I'd rather get shot than beaten to death with a rock and scalped.
I saw someone mocking me for saying that a lot of the settlers were these stoic Puritans who left their doors open and weren't armed during Comanche attacks.
Cherokee attacks?
I'm not pulling that out of my ass, you fucking asshole.
I know what I'm talking about.
And there was a large contingent on the Western Front who were not combative and they had so much faith in God that they just figured the Lord above would help them out and it didn't go well for them and they were kidnapped.
In fact, one of them who was kidnapped is the basis for the white woman who's with those Indians in Dances with Wolves.
In fact she became the mother of this half Indian half white dude who's the subject of that book Empire of the Moon.
Is that the one that they tried to free her and she was like no I want to stay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's like these people are cool fuck you.
Stockholm Syndrome.
Let's now read a super chat.
I think I'm gonna peace out of the free thing early.
So, are these last week's, Ryan?
Yeah, the Downers last week.
Downers last week?
Alright.
Yeah.
Then we got guys, the hemorrhoids.
Okay, that was $100 for last week.
Gay for Ryan, $100.
Someone's just gay for you.
That's all they want to say.
That is pretty sick.
Isn't that just gay?
But for me especially.
Why are you gay?
Okay, I guess it's a quick way of saying I'm a homosexual and I have a crush on Ryan.
Yeah, but only me.
Okay, so he's not gay for anyone else.
Correct.
Better not be straight for anybody else.
So we've read all these.
That's correct.
Yep.
I don't understand.
You don't have a way of telling if they've already been read or they've already been up?
No, we just have to remember them.
That doesn't seem very efficient.
They should have dates and times.
All right, well I have our tech guy.
Why don't you explain to the folks at home how they can get involved in the Super Chat.
We guarantee all $100 ones will be red.
That's correct, Gavin.
Well, you can go to what I'm about to show you right now, which is the website, okay?
Maybe you've heard of it, censored.tv.
I'm gonna go ahead and click this.
Smash to subscribe.
You have to double finger it.
And then you scroll.
Let's see.
And then let me zoom in here.
There we go.
Scoot it.
You're Mr. Green Screen tonight.
Yeah.
Scoot.
Scoot up.
There we go.
You click that button right under the live video, and you can click that, and then you can pay for a Super Chat.
Bam.
Easy.
And it'll pop up right here, especially if it's $100.
You're taking your chances at anything less.
And this is for a good cause.
All right, so we shouldn't have this background.
If we're already reading letters, you should jump to the Ryan Shut Up You Don't Have a Dad interstitial.
Well, it would be the Thanks for Calling, the one time a week that we get to show this very cool bumper.
So let's have the thanks for calling Bumper.
You're on the air.
Um, we're gonna have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye-bye!
Alright, next call.
Bye-bye!
Home to mommy.
Home to mommy!
My friend Jesse says that Trump has a new way of talking.
So I have to update my impression now, essentially.
Oh, no.
When he was releasing the NFT project, which I think is 4D chess again.
How is it 4D chess?
Well, on my Twitter feed, everybody was talking about it and nobody wasn't talking about it.
The NFTs, like, what the fuck?
And then he posts this freedom of speech thing when all eyes were on him.
So maybe it's a way of sneaking back to the top of the news feed and then introducing... You know a great way to get to the top of the news feed is to say, I like Hitler.
That's true.
But he doesn't post on Twitter.
He posts on Truth.
He's got the red check and then it goes to Twitter.
But yeah, everybody was tweeting about it though and they were pumped in a negative way.
I don't quite understand what 40 Chess is.
Me neither.
But that looked pretty whack.
That Trump as a superhero thing.
That was fairly cringe.
I agree.
I was really hoping for a Funny or Die watermark on the video.
Where it's like... Yeah.
This is a joke.
I'm basically Superman!
That's like when people have Superman tattooed on their body.
It's like, what are you saying?
That you're a Superman?
What?
Black people have that all the time.
That and like a scroll parchment thing.
Some sort of parable on their arm.
Let's, uh, so everyone knows how to donate there.
We got the super chat thing.
We've read a letter.
Let's open up the calls.
And while we're opening up the calls, I'd like to read another letter.
Hey, Gav, Ryan and Maddie, that breakup with Joe Coy made Chelsea Handler go even harder.
Harder on the paint on trying to say she's glad she's single with no kids.
And she's saying that people who don't agree with her lifestyle are bullying her.
See, this is the problem with these spinsters.
Women are agreeable.
So you put them in a concentration camp and they're like, well, I wanted to lose some weight anyway.
You know, we can work with this.
And I get to be with my family right before we die.
And that's kind of interesting.
So when they're in a shitty situation like childless and lonely they go.
I actually would have been a terrible mom which What the fuck unless you're a junkie that's garbage.
She was married.
She was what 50 cent 50 cent Who wants her after that?
I remember hearing Bill O'Reilly's... Is that her worth?
Bill O'Reilly's new wife had just broken up with Flava Flav.
Imagine eating the pussy that Flava Flav just fucked.
Yeah.
Oh Jesus.
No thanks.
I'll pass.
You're done.
That's a hard no.
Sorry.
You just hit your expiration date.
I ate her out.
Flava Flava Clock.
I ate her out and I couldn't get the Flava Flava out of my mouth.
Terrible.
And she's saying that people who don't agree with her blah blah blah.
I wonder if this has anything to do with Joe posting a pic with Vanessa Bryant on his IG.
Joe has a kid and Vanessa lost one when her husband Kobe died.
That would be even worse if Chelsea is jealous of people having kids and she says how annoying kids are when Vanessa lost one almost three years ago.
This is getting a little convoluted.
Yeah, that's reaching too... I like gossip, but what the fuck?
What is that old bag saying?
You can't teach an old dog... So, this woman who sent us this isn't including the link.
You have to go to Chelsea Handler's Instagram and see her bragging about how She doesn't want kids and she was meant to be single and it's awesome to be single.
This is after she was with Joe Coy and she said, I'm in love.
It's so great to find love.
I've learned so much.
And then he dumps her and she's like, I didn't want to be in love.
Love is stupid anyway.
And the reason I bring all this up is not just because I love gossip, but because this woman is saying to an audience of.
I don't know.
It looks like 5,000 people.
Don't have kids.
Be a spinster.
Don't have a family.
Wipe yourself out.
End your bloodline.
And everyone is cheering and clapping.
It's the same thing as sex in the city.
They are the maus of Western civilization.
They are murdering tens of millions of people by telling all these women not to use their eggs, not to use their magic power.
It's murder!
If you convince thousands of people not to have kids, then they don't have thousands of kids, and those kids don't have tens of thousands of kids, and those tens of thousands of kids don't have hundreds of thousands of kids, you're a mass murderer.
You're committing genocide.
So that's why it pisses me off.
Let me tell you something about that.
Okay.
And speaking from a person who has, you know, in all reality, a very short expected lifespan.
Now, I've fortunately was married for seven years, procreated, have a child, everything like that.
But now at 50, how do I start an intimate relationship with somebody when I'm going to die in five to eight years?
Five to eight?
I thought you said it was down to two or three.
I gotta keep this bullshit going for five to eight?
My mother rested with the condition for eight years.
I'm five years in so I got like three so I'm putting a little bit onto it.
Three to five years.
How do you start an intimate relationship and get involved with someone?
How do you ask someone to get intimately involved when you know it's not going anywhere?
Well, maybe you can find someone that likes you and wants to be with you, but not for a very long time.
Oh, escorts?
But no, seriously.
Chelsea Handler's got to be 50 years old.
Oh, she's done.
She's toast.
What are you looking for?
You're not getting anything.
Yeah, that's what Jordan Peterson said too.
He goes, you know, it's okay to be single and partying and traveling in your 30s, but when a woman gets to be in her late 40s, that's when the what the fuck have I done instinct set in.
Yeah, you're never going to be in a room when you're 70 with a family full of, a room full of family and grandchildren and children.
Yeah.
And I've seen pictures where she goes to these family reunions and hangs out with her nieces and she fucking loves it.
Despicable.
Not what you should be looking towards.
Why don't you show the top left thing, dude?
You're his girlfriend.
I mean, like I feel really strongly for him.
Probably not marriage right now, but like I'd be open to a full relationship.
I don't understand.
Don't do it.
Dump him.
Like why?
He won't.
Because something's stuck in him.
Something is stuck in him and you're not going to get it by sticking around.
You have to lay down the law and say, listen, this is ridiculous.
Thanks for the relationship advice, single, spinster, fucking childless, lonely woman.
What's the average age of the person that's interested in her?
60?
67?
I've heard her on stage bitch and moan about old guys with no lips hitting on her.
It's like, dude, that's your demographic.
Wait, Ryan, go back to the main thing and click on the video you're supposed to click on, which is that one, the Netflix one.
Oh.
But it's important to know when you don't have the skills to raise a baby, you know?
Instead of shaming people, we should say, oh good, good for you for knowing that you shouldn't have a baby.
We should get a carbon credit for not polluting to mass population.
I love cheers.
That's the problem with babies.
Carbon.
I know I don't have the skills to raise a baby.
I have rescued nine dogs in my life.
And now you've become one.
I've returned four.
Like, talk about agreeable.
They cheer hysterically for her rescuing nine dogs.
Then they cheer and laugh that she fucked up four of them.
Anything goes with the ladies.
It's all positive, girls.
Body positivity.
If you have a problem with that, you're guilty of appearance hate.
Alright, can we take some calls?
Yes, we can.
That is absolutely what we can do.
Please, Gavin, turn on your microphone at easiest convenience, please.
Thank you.
Oh, that's not a hack at all, doing an Indian voice.
No, it does not.
Do you also do Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Yes, Gavin.
Well, I'll tell you right now, folks, we got the frogs, they're gay.
Thanks for calling.
Yeah.
So that'll be fun.
Thanks for fucking calling.
The beauty of getting a ton of letters is I become a total snob.
So every single one I will be reading tonight will be of the highest possible quality.
Nice.
Hold on to your seats.
Yeah.
Coming from a grammar Nazi, that's exciting.
Fellas, have you seen the disturbing art pieces openly shown on the famous auction house Christie's?
They are made by Jake and Dinos Chapman.
That's some fucked up shit.
I don't know if you can even show that stuff on the show.
Just wanted you to know that while they boot off Ye and Kyrie for nothing, Christie's has this on their site.
Now, I'm of two minds about this.
Because on the one hand, I like art and I don't think it should have rules.
But on the other hand, I don't want kids to be sexualized.
So when a three-year-old has a boner for a nose, I'm upset.
But then I also don't want there to be art that upsets me to be banned.
You got the collar?
So I don't know how I feel about this.
Hello, caller.
Because you have the choice not to look at it.
Yeah.
Say hi.
I don't want it banned.
I'm disturbed by anyone who wants it.
Hello, caller.
Are you there?
What's what's the number we should say?
908.
Is it?
Hello.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
I just wanted to shout something out real quick as an idea.
Um, you know how sometimes you, uh, forget your laptop and then you have to have Ryan read the emails?
Yes, sir.
One thing I was thinking is, uh, maybe you could just buy like a, a cheap Amazon tablet for like whatever, 70, 80 bucks and just leave it in the studio.
And then, uh, if you forget your laptop, there's always a backup.
We're not looking for tips, sir.
Thank you for calling.
Why do people get involved in our... Do they work for us?
Was there something about that?
Like, because Crowder has one, it's like... It's a bad look to have an iPad.
Men do not have iPads.
That's not acceptable.
iPads are for people who are not doers.
That's women.
Women look at iPads.
They look at other people's living rooms and other people's outfits, which is fine.
Men make other people's living rooms and other people's outfits, so they have to sit there typing away.
You need a keyboard.
You need the full deal.
I need to be able to search shit on this thing.
Just like 267.
Go ahead, 267.
Yeah, that's me, motherfuckers.
Whoa!
Oh, sorry, I'm on.
Hey, how do you deal with, like, liberal family members, especially when they, like, spout stupid shit that you just want to, like, burst out with, like, actual facts?
Well, it depends.
If it's your brother and he can take a beating, then you come at him hard and go, oh, shut the fuck up.
That was debunked five years ago.
And then you can, you know, have a good tete-a-tete, like a good sparring session.
Yeah, more like mother-in-law and stuff like that.
Yeah, mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law.
I don't go near politics at all because we've had fights in the past.
But as I've said before, I think the best way to deal with these precarious political situations is to keep it interrogative.
So, you know, these racists don't want Mexicans in the country.
That's what the border wall is about.
That's what they say.
And then you go, okay, but what do you think?
Like, what's the maximum for illegals?
Like, how many is too many illegals?
And now with the burdens on them.
Or with abortion, like when is the baby viable?
Should you kill it a week after birth?
And you can kind of get these people saying totally insane shit, like you should be able to kill a baby three months after it's born and three billion illegals is still not too many.
And then once they start saying shit that insane, well now you're just talking to a retard.
So, now you just go, alright, you said it.
I have to tell you the conversation I had with my younger brother about this recently.
With who?
My younger brother.
Oh no, is that the guy who wears a mask all the time?
Yeah, in Queens.
He calls me up a couple weeks ago and he goes, hey, when you went to federal prison, he's like, how long did it take for them to arrest you, indict you, go to trial, and get convicted?
Is he in law enforcement?
No, he's not.
He was actually uh supposed to be in uh our like Stig's and my brother where they worked and everything but I'll tell you the story off off air.
He calls me up and I'm like kind of weirded out because like where where does this come from?
I'm like well it took me from 2000 like August 2004 to March 2005 to go through the whole process to get sentenced to go to trial everything like that.
I'm like now I'm like cure I'm like why?
What's up?
Why are you asking me these questions?
He goes, I'm waiting to see how long it's going to take for them to arrest Trump and send him to prison.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
So I just said, I love you, bro.
I love you.
I love you.
He's my younger brother.
I love him to death.
There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him.
But I love him.
Also, you were a biker criminal.
Yeah.
He's the president of the United States with infinite resources.
Say, hypothetically, he did do a crime that was worthy of jail time.
It's going to be five or six years of appeals and back and forth.
I tried to explain, but it's going to be totally different with a person of that stature.
It's not going to be normal.
What a dumb question.
He's off his rocker.
Matty O'Dell had an illegal gun, so it was a year from arrest to prison.
Ergo, Donald Trump will be a year from arrest to prison.
And why are they so obsessed with him?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
He's out of fucking office.
He's not president anymore.
He's out of office.
Before we go behind the paywall, I want to tell you about something that you've already heard of, but I think it was 1994 when Ace Ventura Pet Detective came out.
Smashing success.
Man with a thousand faces.
What about the mask?
With Jim Carrey.
What year was that?
Yeah.
I'd say mid-90s.
Yeah, mid-90s.
The first one, I think, came out in, like, 94 or 93.
94, yeah.
Yeah.
So 94, that was around the same time as Pet Detective, actually.
I think that was 94.
Yeah.
And no one wanted Pet Detective.
It was going to be a flop.
Everyone said, don't go near it, you're a loser.
Yeah, that was also 94, same year.
Holy shit, he was a busy boy.
So then this sort of slapstick guy became the hot thing and they wanted more Jim Carrey's, but there's only one.
So they go, what about John Leguizamo?
And I had forgotten about this, but I was checking out.
I was sort of in a rabbit hole of cringe this morning, and I saw the opening sequence.
I might have to send this to you, Ryan.
The opening sequence for the movie, The Pest, which was John Leguizamo.
He pretends he's Puerto Rican.
He's Colombian.
Is he?
Yeah.
What the fuck?
He's lying.
He's a Colombian aristocrat, too.
It's not like he came from the dark streets of Colombia.
His parents were like land barons and politicians and mayors and stuff.
He's a rich kid from Colombia, but he came in here.
He lived in Queens, in Jackson Heights, which isn't Puerto Rican at all.
That's all white.
That's all cops.
Irish people.
So his whole Puerto Rican identity is completely fake.
He's basically a white dude.
Spanish, Colombian, white.
Wait, what's this?
Oh yeah, this is him in the shower.
Wait, go back!
No, you gotta show the whole thing!
Look at the cool, funky font.
I can't use the bathroom because...
He's showing you all the different guys he can do.
He's showing you all the different guys he can do.
Doesn't that kind of remind you of Ryan?
Yeah.
I think he just said he was leaving the country or leaving Twitter.
There's Ryan.
Like who cares?
I think he's introducing all the characters that are in this movie too.
Probably.
Probably.
Hold this with this.
Did you hear that?
Yes.
He's a stinky vampire and then he farts like 10 times.
And then it's back to the mobster.
It's insane.
It's the worst thing ever made.
What the fuck?
And there's a black guy in the shower with him?
Yeah, why are there other people in the shower with you now?
Oh, there's two, okay.
It's beyond evil.
He's the devil.
You just said it's evil and then he pops up as the D-Vil.
God, it's so hard to be modest.
Jack might be in a loop, but I'm a sex symbol.
So it's like I stole a wig from a scandlestick.
I'm in the mood to scam simply because I can't.
I'm the Latin Houdini.
Disappear in a flash with your cash in a bank like a dainty.
Huh, huh, huh, huh, Lucy, I'm home.
Dando la treloce.
Freak to the east, freak to the west.
Freak big money into this chair.
Yes, yes, you're headed like that.
Why slightly?
No, no, no.
Oh my God, I don't know what to do.
I can't look away, too.
So you liked this when it came out, right Ryan?
I remember as a kid I was like, well this is just as insane as I'd like it to be.
The pest?
Yeah.
The pest.
Look at that.
Like you went to a joke shop and you bought funny teeth and glasses and now you have a funny face.
This is beyond juvenile.
Yeah, I don't even know what that is.
He already did an Asian guy.
So this is just like a ghoul?
It's like a nerd monster?
Oh my god, alright, that's enough of that.
Well, I can't stop, so... I can't stop either.
What am I supposed to do?
What's the plot of this movie?
Oh, I know what the plot is.
I looked it up.
So he owes like 50 grand to the...
Scottish Mafia?
He does a Scottish accent in this that would make your ears bleed.
Cringe.
And in order to pay it off he finds these rich people who are willing to pay 50 grand to hunt him.
So they hunt him and I think on the run he becomes these various different characters so the rich people that are hunting him can't find him.
Something like that.
Wow.
Alright, um, oh yeah, this is something that I think is worse than, uh, that trailer.
Some Crocs.
Wearing Crocs is awful, I agree.
Whatever happened to your Croc phase?
You were just doing that to bother me.
No, the summer's over.
I've worn them into the summer.
But they're a summer shoe, in my opinion.
So this is someone who's showing you how to take shitty, fake Dr. Martens and merge them with Crocs.
Croctor Martens.
Did they say that?
I don't think they say that, no.
That's crazy.
And you can make the worst shoe imaginable.
It's spats.
You stitch that in.
Oh my lord.
That's terrible.
It gets worse.
After you're done stitching it in, now you draw on the burnt crock.
You draw some corny flames with markers.
With merkers.
What the fuck is this?
Are people just trying to make me mad?
Is God, like, fucking with me?
And anyway, that goes on for quite a while.
She adds many layers of flames, and then she tie-dyes the laces, and then she adds studs to the side.
She glues studs to her... what do you call them?
Croc Martens?
Yeah, Croctor Martens.
Wow.
I cannot believe she didn't put Croc Martens in there.
That's like...
Anyway, we've got a very exciting week coming up with the Nick Oakes interview and a five day non-stop marathon, which I've looked into, is a world record.
There have been podcasts that have gone five days, but it's not the same person.
So that doesn't count.
That's just a TV.
That's leaving your TV on.
NBC is on 24 hours a day.
Is that a marathon?
No.
It's going to be me sitting here for five days.
24 hours a day.
You can tune in.
You can call.
You can verify that we're here.
We are not going to sleep for five days.
No sleep till Christmas Eve.
So sign up to censored.tv, 10 bucks a month.
It's unlimited programming with plenty of new shows coming.
We've got Tommy Sotomayor coming up in the new year.
We've got I'm Doing Great coming up in the new year.
The beauty of everyone getting banned is they get sent back down to the Star Wars garbage compactor with us.
And we say, welcome aboard!
Take 50% of your subs for yourself.
So, we're going to continue with this live show, taking calls, reading superchats, reading letters, but you freeloaders are now officially cut off.
Good knuckles.
So, goodbye.
Goodbye!
Bye bye!
Home to mommy!
And get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Alright already!
I'm ridiculous!
Like a booger, I stick to this!
Take a whiff of this!
I'm stinky dinky, ah!
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