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May 27, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:58:53

GOML LIVE #150 - FOSTER PARENTS

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	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Long with Kevin McGuinness.
	diablo if you go there now to uh their site beardvet.com you use the promo code gavin you get 15 off so just the coffee alone is fantastic that's what we drink here at the station if if you've noticed we are incredibly effervescent and uh gregarious and that is because we are high on caffeine when we do this show but totally separate from that these veterans that are willing to die for
	when you use beard vet it combs out and looks more like an asian woman's pubic hair um you know that's not a flattering but it is an accurate synopsis remember i was dating this korean named min and i was like min you gotta like take care of it down there it looks like a little punk rocker down there because it wouldn't curl it would just grow straight so yes beardvet.com these people are willing to die for our country and they are willing to bust their asses to satisfy
	your cravings for beard grooming products and coffee beardvet.com promo code gavin uh how are you doing ryan how was your day today we doing great we did an interview with some british nerd at two didn't really do much else ed dutton i believe afterward after the the show yesterday i went to the bar with anthony we had a long talk i think he finally likes me now anthony yeah finally
	like he loves you i know but we're now friends it was it was an eight-year courtship yeah like sometimes you do good on-camera stuff and then you don't hang out afterwards yeah well he would always zip home right after and well he's a zip how else is he supposed to go home but we're finally friends that's dope that was an eight-year courtship too long too long i'm i'm over him now yeah that's what's fun he finally likes me and i've i have other friends it's like It's like dating,
	yeah.
	It's like you chased him for so long, now he likes you, and now you're like, yeah, I'm over you.
	Yeah.
	That's pretty funny.
	Some Proud Boys showed up.
	I haven't seen in a while.
	A couple of mics.
	Oh, yeah, fuck.
	And they were doing nose beers and drinking.
	I don't think people in the media realize the insurmountable amount of cocaine that the Proud Boys do.
	Yeah, we literally need to cover.
	It really is, for all the racism that is discussed in the white nationalism, it's people against cocaine who should hate them.
	Like we went to a house party at Westfest in Vegas.
	There was a mirror.
	I'm not going to exaggerate.
	Oh, my God, yeah.
	This big.
	It was on the pool table.
	It was over the pool table.
	You couldn't play pool.
	What?
	It was like overlaid.
	Like, there was hanging edges of the mirror.
	Yes, it was bigger than the pool table.
	On these chestnuts.
	And I would say there was $1,200 worth of Coke on it.
	Yeah.
	Like, there was separate stations of lines.
	I've never seen an amount where I'm like, I've never actually said I'm good.
	There's never been enough around for me to be like, I'm good.
	Oh, yeah, it's weird.
	It's weird walking by cocaine.
	Be like, no, thanks.
	Yeah.
	Like, it's like walking by a Victoria's Secret model, diddling her bean, and you're just like, okay, enjoy yourself.
	Don't make a mess, please.
	Don't go squirting on my nice rug.
	I was Karening the guys.
	I was like, that's probably enough.
	You should stop.
	Hey, guys, wrap it up.
	Wrap it up.
	They all got COVID because they were sharing the same straw.
	That whole house was fucking drenched.
	You got to use your own bills.
	But yeah, white nationalism comes up 0.0001% of the time.
	Cocaine comes up 46% of the time.
	I'll never forget.
	Proud boys do hurt minorities, though.
	My septum was pretty afterwards.
	They hurt minorities' septums.
	I'll never forget that.
	Remember that douche, was it last year?
	Who...
	Because a lot of Proud Boys live in major cities like New York City, Montreal, whatever.
	They have some street smarts.
	But a lot of them are Midwesterners who haven't been around prostitutes or even black people, for example.
	So they're in Vegas and they're in nice guy mode.
	They're almost like Swedes.
	Yeah, Midwesterners are Swedish in many ways.
	So they're gambling and whatever, and these black women, total pieces of trash, start hitting on them.
	And instead of their spidey senses, you know, crawling up, they go, damn, those girls like me.
	I must be handsome as shit.
	I'm a Vegas tan.
	Damn.
	Girls don't usually crawl all over me like this.
	So he invites them back to the room because they think he's so hot and sexy.
	He's a fat piece of shit, by the way.
	He's uglier than me.
	He's shorter and fatter than me.
	Great guy, though.
	No, he's not.
	He's an asshole.
	If I had any drothers, I would have had him kicked out.
	I hung out with him the whole time.
	I felt bad.
	He was disenfranchised.
	Yeah, no one would speak to him.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, well, you do that.
	You hang out with Detritus.
	Detritus.
	You hang out with insects.
	So he brings the girls up to the room, and what do they do?
	When one of them is making out, the other goes through everyone's wallet.
	And what do you have in Vegas?
	You have cash.
	So the maker outer distracted our fat friend, and the other girl stole $1,500 cash from the various passed-out proud boys.
	They made a run for it.
	That happened the previous year with the now-deceased Levi Romero, and they didn't get any money.
	And as they were running away, he threw a beer at them down the hallway and hit them in the head.
	That's right.
	That's how you do it to prostitute scammers.
	But these guys were not savvy.
	And I see the guy by the pool the next day, and I hear the story I just told you.
	And he's like, yeah, man, it's fucked up.
	And I was like, you fucking idiot.
	And I had just been in the pool.
	So my bare feet were out.
	And my toenail was like, you know, old and crusty and broken in the middle or something, the way real men's toenails are.
	And he's like, oh, shit.
	Damn, that's pretty banged up.
	I can see why you, no wonder you hate flip-flops.
	And I was like, hold on a second.
	Your naivete just lost your fellow, your brothers, $1,500 and you're complaining about my fucking toenails?
	You're dead to me.
	You don't exist.
	Fight off.
	I didn't know the toenails thing.
	Imagine noticing a man's toenail.
	I think the noble thing to do after you do something like that and you get your friends robbed is to stand up on top of the hotel you're in and say, sorry guys, and then jump off to your death.
	He watched my stuff from me when I was in the pool.
	That was nice of him.
	Oh, okay.
	So he made up for it.
	Yes.
	What stuff?
	Your GoPro?
	Yeah.
	My GoPro phone.
	I can't wait till I'm king of the world.
	There's so many things I'm going to implement.
	There's going to be landfills full of flip-flops.
	Landfills.
	So yeah, let's start the show, right?
	Shall we start the show?
	I wasn't prepared for it, but we can absolutely start the show.
	We can start the show.
	Let's get started.
	So we're going to do two hours with you clowns.
	We're going to do what we call starting the show.
	We're going to start the show.
	A monster truck is going to come from this side.
	That's correct.
	It's going to go that way.
	Trump is going to appear here on an eagle, wave, and it's going to say 3-2-1.
	That was fun.
	It has started.
	It has begun.
	What did you do today, Rye Guy?
	I guess here I am not starting the show after this start the show interesting.
	Did little swim lessons with your idiotic baby that sucks.
	She rules.
	She's a loser, dude.
	Literally the best.
	How many friends does your daughter have?
	None.
	Two.
	Mom and dad don't count.
	Name one friend your baby has.
	Zero.
	Exactly.
	Your baby's not popular because she's a idiot.
	Look at that.
	That's so stupid.
	She likes water.
	But she's afraid of it, too.
	Like, why wouldn't...
	I don't know.
	Why'd you shave her head, too?
	She's bald.
	She's young, so she's a bad.
	So your daughter's bald.
	So she's a loser.
	She has no friends, and she's bald.
	She has plenty of friends.
	There is a tuft of hair.
	It's fuzzy, but it's there.
	Is she in a band?
	She's a beard vet.
	No, she's not in a band.
	She plays a loser.
	I play the guitar today.
	You know who is in a band?
	Dancing.
	Mick Jagger.
	He's cool.
	Your daughter's no Mick Jagger.
	Did Mick Jagger just relapse?
	Oh, no, Steve Tyler of Aerosmith just relapsed.
	Oh, really?
	Too bad I didn't Carelapse.
	Carosmith.
	I saw some headline in the New York Post and it said, Johnny Depp did cocaine with the guitarist from Aerosmith.
	Wait, what?
	Isn't that illegal?
	A headline that would grab me would say, Johnny Depp didn't do cocaine with the guitarist from Aerosmith.
	I'd go, what the fuck?
	Why not?
	What happened?
	Was he hungover?
	Did he just have a nosebleed?
	Why wouldn't you?
	Who the fuck?
	Steve Perry or Steven Tyler relapsed?
	Yeah, he checked himself in rehab because he did some no-no stuff.
	That's gay.
	Isn't that gay?
	It's gay to be a rock star and not dabble a little bit, I think.
	You know what's crazy?
	I remember back when Obama was president and Joe Biden was vice president and a guy named Hunter Biden that no one had heard of was caught doing cocaine.
	And I tweeted out, that's how long back we're going.
	I tweeted out, I'm not sure I want to live in a country where the vice president's son doesn't do cocaine.
	Yeah.
	This was like 2004.
	Good point, man.
	Oh, Tim Poole's here.
	Yeah, a lot of evidence came out, and guess what?
	The corrupt Democrats tried to hide it.
	Disgusting.
	Tim, why don't you have a girlfriend?
	I actually do have a girlfriend.
	Yep.
	Okay, well, why aren't you married and making babies?
	You got good money.
	We saw your studio.
	It looks awesome.
	Thanks.
	Yeah, no, we're thinking about it right now, but we just...
	Thinking about it?
	What are you thinking about?
	Getting a boner?
	Well, there's Gavin for you.
	Well, we're extending the chicken coop.
	See, we have like a chicken city, right?
	And so we're live streaming it, and so you can send a super chats to the chicken.
	I'm asking you, why don't you breed?
	That's all that matters.
	Well, the chickens matters a lot more than chickens.
	The chickens breed, they give us ether.
	No, no, I'm not talking about chickens.
	Don't change the subject to chickens.
	For eggs.
	Make babies.
	Get married.
	Make babies.
	That's all that matters.
	The only thing that exists in the world is babies.
	You're dead.
	Here's something I want to say to you single people.
	Louis C.K. used to joke about it.
	He's like, you could die.
	No one would care.
	You're not alive.
	You're dead.
	Now, I'm not saying your life sucks, but you're not born.
	It can't suck if it doesn't be.
	Yeah, until you get married and have kids, you're a larvae.
	And there's nothing wrong with being larvae.
	That's fine.
	But just know you haven't begun.
	I actually, I look back on my larvae years as awesome.
	Good stuff.
	Lots of partying, lots of funny shit.
	It was cool.
	But then you have kids and you go, oh, okay, this is what it is.
	It's like this theory I had a few years ago where I was like, maybe we're in heaven now.
	And being born is dying.
	So when you're a sperm, you're a useless nothing.
	And then you get life and that's heaven.
	Just like right now, we can't imagine what heaven is.
	It's not sitting on a cloud playing a harp in a dress.
	It's much bigger than that.
	It's unimaginable, right?
	The same way a sperm can't conceive of this, we can't conceive of heaven.
	So maybe this is heaven and we're dead.
	And then within that paradigm, before you have children, you're just a silly little thing swimming around like a sperm.
	Yeah, no, I totally agree.
	And then you have kids and you go, oh.
	And it's funny too, because remember Lauren Southern talking about this once.
	She said, you know, studies say that people who have kids are less happy.
	And it's true, but the problem is the definition of happiness becomes so much more broad.
	Like NFL players are disappointed with their performance.
	I bet you guys in the NFL are much less content and much more dissatisfied with their performance at football than I am.
	I'm perfectly content with how good I am at football.
	I think I'm just great.
	And I obviously suck.
	Because I'm not in that level.
	But you talk to like a master penis, like the one in my pants, and they are like, oh, I suck on my fucking scales.
	I really got to get going on those.
	You know?
	Yeah.
	So you're only as happy as your least happy child, but you're in a new universe of joy when you have kids.
	When you have chickens, like you said.
	No, no, not chickens.
	Chickens, I think, are the dumbest animal in history.
	Oh, you said children.
	Okay.
	Sorry.
	Chickens.
	Honestly, does he?
	I think even vegetarians can eat chickens.
	They're really just plants.
	You shouldn't eat a monkey.
	That's fucked up.
	You shouldn't eat a labradoodle.
	But a chicken?
	It's just a plant with eyes.
	Or a cow?
	It's just Really, a hill with legs.
	Gavin, it's integral, not integral.
	You sound like a dummy.
	Integral.
	Maybe it's a British thing?
	I do have some strange carryovers for the various nations I've lived in.
	Centrifugal.
	Aluminium.
	Feral.
	You guys say Feral, I guess?
	By the way, in order to super chat, of course, many of you guys already know this, but if you're new to this, you would click the top banner, Watch Live.
	You would be clicking the Watch Live thing, and then below it, there's a little button that says donate to Read Message on Air if you're logged in.
	I got to confess, I'm worried that the show in Orlando is going to sell out, and you're not going to get a chance to hang out with us.
	It's going to be insanely fun.
	June 25th, the venue will be released the day of.
	So here's a clue.
	It's Central Orlando.
	It's nowhere weird.
	It's not going to be like out by the airport or some shit.
	So get your tickets now.
	It's me doing stand-up comedy, Kumi doing stand-up comedy.
	We're not going to show it on censor.tv.
	Ryan's going to be up there doing his various guys.
	And then when we're done, we're going to have like a Kill Tony type of thing with the table, and we're going to record a podcast, a talk show.
	And then, on top of that, we have like a meet and greet with the selfies and the hangout and the beer and the talk.
	And that's going to have more than just me and Anthony and Josh Denny.
	We'll probably have Josh LaCash there, Jim Goad.
	AIU might stop by.
	We're going to have all the greats hanging out.
	So the VIP meet and greet is sold out.
	But yesterday we changed the room and now we added 50 tickets.
	So it's now unsold out.
	Sick.
	It was 100 tickets we sold, I think, for the meet and greet.
	So now there's 150 tickets, 150 people that can meet and greet, hang out.
	It's going to be a very fun time.
	Yeah.
	Can't wait.
	Josh had a really good idea.
	He just wanted to go on stage with me, with Ryan Catsuvera, sorry.
	And just bomb and just completely embarrass himself.
	Josh who?
	Josh LaCash.
	No.
	Okay.
	So there's that.
	So there's that.
	Sorry, Josh.
	There's that minor detail.
	You can come.
	Feel free to attend, though.
	Johnny Apple CBD.
	Ah.
	Next sponsor on the list.
	What do they have available at their site?
	Limitless CBD products.
	CBD is a way for you to legally get the magic of hemp without any of the illegal stuff.
	You can even get high.
	The Delta 5 shit gets you fucking baked.
	Delta 8, my dude.
	Delta 8, sorry.
	Delta 5 is a punk band from Leeds.
	The vape pen, Ryan's a big fan of.
	I'm not a big vapor.
	I like the tincture in my coffee.
	Takes the edge off the caffeine.
	Prolongs the buzz.
	Sort of like putting butter in it.
	Ever try that?
	Butter in coffee?
	The topical cream is great for aching muscles.
	Do they sell the cookies?
	No more.
	No more cookies.
	And the gummies.
	The gummies are magical.
	The gummies taste good.
	They have that weedy taste.
	I gave a gummy to my dog.
	Nice.
	He's stressed out because we got a rabbit and he feels like he's second best.
	You know why?
	Because he's second best.
	Ouch.
	Yeah, I love him less now.
	You're right.
	By the way, when you're a kid and your parents have a baby and you're freaked out, you're right.
	There's less love to go around.
	It's just been diluted.
	I remember when my second son was born, I told my daughter who was two, I go, we got you a baby.
	And she loved it.
	She was so happy.
	And then that night she goes, I want the baby in my crib tonight, please.
	And I go, uh, I didn't want my new baby to die.
	So I said, uh, that's probably not.
	We're not going to do that.
	And then I think it dawned on her, this motherfucker's lying to me.
	This is bullshit.
	It's another kid in the house.
	It's not mine.
	It's theirs.
	And she was weird for 10 days.
	Damn.
	And I think she was right to be weird.
	That's what I always say to my daughter.
	Trust your emotions.
	They're valid.
	Jealousy, anger, rage.
	You may be petty or it might be something that you shouldn't act on, but you're right.
	You're right, my dear.
	Your anger is justified.
	Anyway, topical is great for aching muscles.
	We've got the stem, what does that say?
	STEM pods?
	STEM2 pods.
	STEM2 pods, isolates, and wakes.
	Amazing variety of stuff at Johnny Apple CBD.
	And if you're going to get any CBD stuff, why not go with someone who supports us, braves the radical leftist storm, and can handle supporting free speech?
	These guys have been with us since day one.
	Years and years, JohnnyApple.com has been with us.
	So use promo code Gavin and get 15% off your order and enjoy yourself.
	Oh, here we go.
	Yeah, I was kind of wondering what this in my hand right here is.
	The super hemp.
	I know it's good.
	The ultimate blend of CBD, CBN, and HHC for a euphoric and buttery smooth experience.
	The Delta 8, which I have right here with a skull and crossbones on it, because it gets you fudged up.
	Yeah, it's a little intense.
	So I'm going to take a look at it.
	I'm too old for Delta 8.
	You're doing a Delta 8 right now?
	Oh.
	Why don't you do it?
	That'd be funny.
	Okay, I've done it before.
	It just makes me question everything I do.
	I usually just like blast forward with my retardation, but then I just question it, so it's just less of me.
	I think maybe you should question your retardation.
	It'll be a worse.
	I mean, you did say, I love football, but I don't watch it.
	That's true.
	That's something that should probably be questioned.
	Oh, you may have noticed we have no Sylvia, no Maddie today.
	Sylvia's feeling under the weather, as many 79-year-olds do.
	A lot of our mainstays have medical issues, like our severely handicapped Crip Daddy, Donovan.
	Uh-oh.
	This is not CV.
	This is not Delta.
	Okay.
	Anything coming up?
	I don't want to be stoned for this show.
	No, that's not Dealta, I promise.
	I wouldn't dose people.
	That's fucked up.
	I would not do that.
	Legit.
	Yeah, dosing someone?
	That's fucked up.
	That's one of the most stabbing.
	That's rape.
	And it's almost as invasive as rape.
	More.
	Because you can...
	Well, don't trivialize rape, you dummy.
	I'm sorry.
	But, yeah, if you slip someone LSD against their will, that's like sending them to outer space.
	What a fuck.
	That's one of the scariest, most evil, dark things you could possibly do.
	Didn't Luis Gomez and the...
	Ari Shafir did it.
	Ari Shafir did it to who?
	To Burt Kreischer.
	Ari Shafir did it to Burt Kreiser.
	I think it was Molly.
	Really?
	That's exactly as bad.
	I don't think I would forgive that guy.
	Dude, it was a big problem.
	That's a friendship ender.
	It was a big problem.
	Yeah.
	Brett should dump him.
	Bert?
	Bert should dump him.
	And Brett.
	Brett shouldn't be cool with that either.
	Yeah, the time that...
	You know what I would do?
	If that happened to Bert, I would have Ernie kick the shit out of him.
	Hey, Bert.
	You dosed me on ass if you're a drink.
	I went to the cardiologist, and he was like, this is done.
	Really?
	And he's like, hey, man, you're getting a fatty liver.
	Okay, so.
	I've never done Molly.
	I've never done Molly.
	Molly.
	It's just pure ecstasy.
	Yeah, I've never done Molly.
	It's way better.
	It's better for you.
	Have you?
	Yeah.
	Okay, so I'm Joe Rogan.
	What are you talking about?
	That's my meme, dude.
	Get the fuck out of here.
	I don't think there's a drug Joe Rogan hasn't done.
	I'm not exaggerating.
	Definitely not heroin.
	Definitely not meth.
	I mean, he's definitely done heroin.
	What?
	Yes.
	Wow.
	Wow.
	Completely talking out of my ass right now, by the way.
	I thought so.
	I'm actually doubting the words as they leave my lips.
	So you saw on your show, I did that.
	Yeah, like East Coasters have done meth, heroin, all ecstasy, but not like DMT.
	West Coasters have done DMT.
	Both coasts have done Special K, but West Coasters have never done crack.
	Everyone in the East Coast has done crack.
	Right?
	Yeah, man.
	A lot of people have.
	Okay, let's...
	Should we go behind the paywall?
	Let's read a letter and take a call and then go behind the paywall.
	What do you think of that?
	Sands about wrong.
	All right.
	Here's a letter I haven't vetted yet.
	Hey, gook who plays with hair too much.
	That's a racist insult directed towards you, Ryan.
	That's crazy, man.
	It's accurate because you do play with your hair too much, but the word gook is a racial epithet.
	Oh, yeah.
	So that's hurtful.
	Wow.
	And then he says, and I believe he's coming at me next, with, and cheap ass motherfucking Scotsman.
	Not so bad.
	I am a cheap ass.
	You don't have to show the attachment, but please watch it.
	I really don't give a damn.
	If you do show it, though, I owe you for convincing me during COVID to say, screw it, go for it, have another kid.
	This is the result.
	My third child and first child playing together with whatever is in front of them, this time a box.
	It calms me down and makes me happier than anything after a 14-hour workday in construction.
	Not shown as my second child is a wild-ass boy who wrestles me the second I get home, and I love it.
	Yeah, I remember when my kids were four and two, they were always like, let's fight on mommy's bed.
	I don't know why my wife gets the bed, mommy's bed.
	It's also daddy's bed, you assholes.
	But I would fight them.
	And obviously, I'm not trying my artist with a DO in the four-year-old, but you have to kind of let them get a leg up where they sort of get you down.
	And then once they get you down, they just pile drive you and jump on you.
	And it's fun.
	Can't do it anymore.
	My son is six feet tall.
	And then he says, P.S. Ryan, you're a great dad.
	Oh, thanks.
	And maybe husband, according to social media.
	Keep it up, bro.
	Thank you, bro.
	You as well.
	How do you know he's a great dad?
	He could beat the shit out of those two things after the movie's over.
	Yeah, there was so much there that was very offensive, and I apologize for it.
	Another letter here.
	Hey, G-Dog.
	Amber Heard's team said she did Coke with Ryan, Maddie, and Syl.
	You weren't invited because she said you said you will never see my hemorrhoid, riddled, sexy ass again.
	She claims that you turned up to her house expecting a meal and then proceeded to make fun of her and Johnny's new sunglasses.
	What a complete, total, under waste of time.
	This man, Jenny, Jamie Pennyquick, sends us about 37 emails a day.
	I should probably.
	Some of them are good, though.
	He lays the five bricks.
	I took a screen grab of all of his emails, and there was like one a minute, and I go, get a life.
	I like when you were attending the mailbag.
	By the way, I need some more mail for Tim Pool's thing.
	Can we ask people?
	Okay.
	Hello, everyone.
	Yep.
	Celebrity mailbag this week is Tim Pool.
	So if you have any questions for Tim Pool, send them to Mailbag.
	Celeb mailbag.
	One word at censor.tv.
	Subject mailbag.
	I mean, celeb mail.
	We have a Canadian baby monster sending us a true dope.
	Latest.
	He says right-wing terrorism is on the rise in Canada.
	What a moron.
	I honestly am.
	I'm so vain.
	I think he's doing all this because I make fun of him too much.
	Question that the world is changing rapidly and getting more dangerous in new ways than ever before.
	When we look at the prevalence of misinformation, of disinformation, the way social media has been weaponized both by foreign actors and by people within Canada, pushing extremist views, trying to foment anger and discord,
	whether it's extremist ideology of right-wing terrorism on the rise in Canada, or whether it's examples like the illegal protests we saw in the winter.
	There are a whole new set of challenges that we need to be responding to.
	And that's why we're working closely with our national security agencies, working closely with organizations like the Canadian Security and Telecommunications to make sure that we are able to respond to these new realities.
	We need to do it, however, in a way that continues to defend freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom to legally protest, while at the same time we're taking on more tools to keep Canadians safe.
	Because increasingly we're seeing that things that start online end up having impacts on the real world.
	Well, it sounds like we should...
	I guess he meant discord, right?
	He mispronounced discord.
	All right, let's take it, which means, by the way, a lack of agreement or harmony between person, things, or ideas.
	Active quarreling.
	I forgot that's what discord means.
	Dude, let's take a call.
	All right.
	You are on the air.
	You have a conversation.
	This is a fucking loser.
	You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
	Hey, why does everyone get two things?
	You have one thing.
	Thank you for calling.
	It was great hearing from you.
	Bye-bye.
	All right, next call.
	Bye-bye.
	Bye-bye.
	Frankly, you've got your...
	Frankly.
	Bye-bye.
	Bye-bye.
	You go full volume with that, huh?
	Frankly.
	Bye-bye.
	That's Pee-Wee Trump.
	Frankly, for too long.
	That's the one impression you can do, I mean, literally a thousand times better than me.
	What, Pee-Wee?
	Yes.
	I can't.
	Yeah, I'm thinking about having a Pee-Wee museum where I'll have chronically famous Pee-Wees throughout history.
	It's like perfect.
	I don't even want to do it.
	I would embarrass myself.
	And I've done it before, and frankly, it's not.
	Hello?
	Can you do Pee-Wee Trump?
	No.
	What's Pee-Wee Trump?
	Is B-Pee-Wee, but like saying?
	Baby!
	You just got to talk about how the numbers, you looked at the numbers, and frankly, they're...
	Yeah, I looked at the numbers and frankly they're not adding up.
	I don't know.
	That wasn't too bad.
	It's too hard.
	It's hard doing mashups.
	Do we have someone on the line?
	Yes, we do.
	I'm going to put the number on the bottom of the screen for those listening.
	609, you're on the line.
	Hello?
	Hello, 609?
	What did you say?
	Mikey!
	Mikey!
	Mikey!
	Alright, question for you.
	That's a pleasant.
	Newly married.
	In her 20s.
	Having fertility issues.
	What do you do?
	Are you putting it in the butt solely?
	No, sir.
	P to V. Okay, well, it's very simple, my friend.
	Stop watching porn.
	All you have to do to make a baby is never masturbate and never watch porn.
	But I don't watch any.
	And I got a test done and it's zero.
	What?
	You got a test done in what?
	Zero.
	And the count is zero.
	What does that mean?
	Your sperm count is zero.
	You have no sperm?
	Yeah.
	Wait, what could they inject?
	Let me taste that.
	Can we inject the like, you know, I'm not even being facetious.
	Could you take from the balls?
	Maybe there's a problem with the delivery system.
	That Chinese cop who was killed, he got his wife pregnant after he died via his balls.
	Are you less fertile than a dead man?
	You're less fertile than a dead chink?
	That's a t-shirt.
	Rest in peace.
	Sorry, by the way, dead Chinese cop.
	It just was a very funny way to say that.
	Okay.
	I apologize.
	Win Jan Liu.
	Dead Chinese man isn't as funny as the hard K. I'm sorry.
	So I've never heard of this.
	So your sperm count is zero.
	You have no sperm.
	What are you?
	Maybe God hates you.
	Possible.
	Yeah, are you evil?
	Maybe you're not meant to procreate.
	Yeah, do you have horns?
	Are you red?
	Do you have a pointy tail and hooves?
	Do you like when people sin and show their inner darkness?
	Do you like Black Sabbath?
	Do you eat children?
	I don't understand.
	So what comes out of your penis when you ejaculate?
	Well, so sperm is the seed.
	And then semen is the carrier.
	Oh, yeah.
	So have the carrier, you know?
	So if you were to jizz on my microscope, I would just see like the fluid.
	There'd be no swimmers.
	Yeah.
	I don't think that's a microscope.
	Well, why the fuck are you calling me?
	What am I going to do?
	Do you think that I do the voodoo?
	Do you think I have the juju?
	Okay, I will burn...
	What we do is we burn a bat's eyes in the middle of the night.
	Then we bury that with the plantation beans from the Ugu plant.
	And then your sperm count will be a million billion.
	And then they eat the poo-poo.
	Yeah, you have to eat.
	And they were eating the poo-poo all over the place.
	First, we lay you down in a bit of straw.
	What I was saying was, you know, you always talk about how it's the most fulfilling thing you can do.
	So what I'm saying is, like, if that's not a possibility, how does one cope?
	Adopt.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Get yourself a black kid.
	No.
	Come on.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's unrealistic.
	That's unrealistic.
	Why is that unrealistic?
	I know four people who have adopted kids.
	There's baggage you're picking up there.
	What?
	Well, if they're brand new, like there's so much baggage involved in it.
	I don't say adopt an 18-year-old.
	Don't get a rescue.
	Adopt a baby.
	I don't know, man.
	I know, man.
	Or what are they?
	Adopt.
	Where the woman get yourself a Negro.
	A surrogate or something?
	Is this Jazz Jennings' wife?
	Anyway, we got to go.
	Thanks for calling.
	Sorry, sir.
	All right.
	That, I think, was a good taste of the variety of super chats, which I don't see one there.
	Phone calls and mail.
	We mentioned our sponsors.
	I do need a fashions every second week, but I believe I mentioned them last week.
	Don't hesitate to go to NitaFashions.com.
	Make sure you mention my name, and you'll get a good deal.
	It's for cheap, rich people like me.
	They make all my suits.
	And that is it for the freebies.
	I would like to apologize for the racial epithets I said on this show.
	That's not who I am.
	It's not what this network is.
	And if I'm not fired and I'm here tomorrow, that'll be a good thing.
	But on the off chance, this is my last show ever for saying the word chink.
	I want to say, I am sorry.
	And I fucked up.
	I know this isn't what you want.
	And I'm sorry.
	So get fired, which I'm about to be.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	Unt never stopping de Feischenschnoofen.
	Mikey!
	That's a funny idea.
	A fur collar for a dog?
	That is cool.
	Yeah.
	It'd be like, it looked like a lion's mane.
	Hey, I have a loft bed.
	You probably don't want, you won't need that for many years.
	I'll look it up.
	What?
	I'll look it up.
	I don't know what a loft bed is.
	It's a bed that's high up.
	Oh, okay.
	That sounds cool.
	It's good if it's cramped space, but your daughter will probably want that when she's like five.
	Let's see, we have a super chat rocking in there.
	I can't believe you think Daphne is like the cutest.
	She's not even that cute.
	She's literally the most cutest, bumbaloonist, Fifi Fafunus, Catoonist, Buddhist, cutest baby.
	Get over her, dude.
	It's like weird.
	She's watching.
	Oh, I was joking.
	I'm doing a baby joke.
	I understand you're not advanced enough to understand, but let me explain the context of the joke.
	Obviously, a father adores his daughter.
	Of course.
	You are a very cute baby.
	Objectively, like literally so cute.
	What we do in comedy is we do the opposite.
	Right.
	It's not true.
	So, like, for example, Ryan dropped off a laundry bag at my house today.
	I pretended I wanted to kiss him for it and make out with him.
	So I grabbed him and started trying to kiss him.
	I grabbed his penis and he wriggled away and ran down the driveway.
	Down the driveway.
	So I don't want to make out with him.
	You said that I was putting on signs.
	I don't remember the sign.
	I opened the door.
	I yelled, don't be a fucking cock tease as you ran down my driveway, which I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed.
	Oh my God, I didn't even think about that.
	I had some words with my neighbors today.
	She goes, she's French, and my dog, I realized the best thing I can do to fuck with my neighbors is exist.
	So I'm going to start walking my dog several times a day.
	I usually have the kids do it.
	No, it's my job.
	And wear dumb things.
	Well, that's why I wanted you to drop off that bag earlier.
	It has all my Trump shirts.
	So she goes, can you get your, she was French, so what are you doing?
	Come on.
	Can you get your dog off my lawn, please?
	She said, get off my lawn.
	And I was like, you know, your sign is an affront to me, which is fine.
	I don't like you either, but it's an affront to my family and my little child.
	And she's like, you need to quit.
	I know that you have quit the Proud Boys, but you need to atone for that.
	And I'm drifting into German for some reason.
	I have such a good idea, but yeah, go ahead.
	And I guess her version of events is I go door to door begging for forgiveness and disavowing the Proud Boys.
	The Proud Boys are awesome.
	They're the greatest thing I've ever created outside of my children and Ryan.
	And so we're talking, I go, so there's a little nine-year-old boy, a little American Indian boy walking his dog, and you're telling him to fuck off.
	He's white.
	I realize, oh, shit, I gotcha.
	Whoa.
	That was her Achilles heel, was pointing out that she's a racist.
	Because that's their verbiage.
	Like, to sit there and go, there's a Proud Boys chapter in Israel.
	There's gay Proud Boys.
	There's black Proud Boys.
	They don't care about that.
	But when you go, you're a racist, that's all they got.
	You're a racist is 100% of their artillery.
	So if you go, actually, have you ever considered that you're the racist?
	He's white.
	He's white.
	That's crazy.
	And I go, no, he's American Indian.
	And she goes, well, just because someone is 1%, 2%.
	And I go, well, my wife's 50%, so he's 25%.
	Oh, you do a DNA test?
	And I go, what?
	Well, yeah, I did, actually.
	They get money from their casino, and the casino's not going to get money unless you have the DNA test.
	And she goes, she goes, oh, another privilege.
	So now he's experiencing American Indian privilege, I guess, is what she's saying.
	Wow.
	And she goes, You're not going to change my mind.
	And I go, that's clear.
	And then as I'm walking away, she goes, This is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with your neighbors.
	I go, I don't want to ingratiate myself with you.
	I go, hate has a home here.
	This is hate.
	You're looking at hate.
	I was talking about the kid.
	It's pretty badass.
	You're like the Walt from Breaking Bad of the neighborhood.
	It's like, I'm the one the hate's for.
	When he has that moment.
	You know what you should do?
	Wait, sorry to interrupt.
	Ladies and gentlemen, folks at home, you're about to hear what I know in my heart of hearts.
	You're wrong.
	And I'm fully confident.
	And it's good.
	Will be what I like to call a terrible idea.
	Take it away, Detective Shitty.
	I don't know how you did that.
	I don't appreciate it.
	So you should atone for your sins publicly.
	You should go to the middle of the woods or something.
	Somewhere close where they could see and then be like, ladies and gentlemen, and wear a toga or a robe.
	So I announce it.
	I give them flyers.
	I give out flyers?
	No, you just make a huge scene.
	You have a whole mob there, like a public.
	How does anyone know that I'm there?
	We make sure they're there because you're just going to make a public scene.
	What do you mean a public scene?
	You're going to do a public...
	You know what?
	You could hand out flyers, sure.
	So I hand out flyers that say, I'll be down the street in the woods.
	Here's a little map.
	How about somewhere they could all see like a common area?
	If there's like a commonplace.
	Okay, like by the library.
	I'll be at the local Westchester library.
	And you stage a public stripping.
	You'd be like, I'm going to atone for my sins.
	I denounce, and then everybody, and there's like people dressed like the Hans Med Tale, and they're like, yeah.
	And you make a whole scene.
	That's just one of those.
	Now you're doing that with different things.
	Nailed it, me.
	I knew that would be a retarded.
	I was good.
	I'm good.
	I know you.
	You got to think jackass style like Steve-O would do.
	No, you don't stoop to their level.
	I told you that.
	It's like Ron Coleman told me to put a giant, giant, like 15 by 15 hate has no home here sign on my lawn.
	And I'm like, now I'm speaking your language, and I like the sign discourse.
	I like face-to-face confrontations of like, hey, I noticed, is there hate in your garbage?
	That's the one I should have said, but I didn't say.
	You know, it'd be funny if you keep replacing their hate has no home here signs with like slightly bigger and bigger signs.
	By the time they realize it, they just have a billboard.
	How do you det-tap?
	Well, one idea I did like was replacing them with ones with slight typos.
	Or you make them smaller and smaller.
	You know that Hate Has No Home here has different languages.
	Right.
	And it's like Arabic and Chinese and Hebrew.
	Wouldn't it be funny if you get Hate Has No Home here, but in the other language it says things like, niggers beware.
	And then you do a viral video.
	You go up at the Google Translate thing with the photo and it just goes, fuck is this?
	Yeah.
	In Hebrew it says like six million wasn't enough.
	And you're like, this is fucking disgusting.
	Who are these assholes?
	That's the sign you've had on your lawn this whole time, man.
	Just wanted to show you something.
	Are you proud?
	Yep.
	We have 609.
	Another 609 here.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Why'd you let me do a shot?
	Yes.
	What's up, dude?
	I'm on the air?
	You sure are.
	You're a star.
	Oh, my God.
	I have a question.
	I need some advice, Gavin.
	Is your sperm count zero?
	It's one.
	No, it's not that.
	Quite the contrary.
	I just came back from a 10-day motorcycle trip in Ireland.
	Oh, dude, that sounds awesome.
	Wait a minute.
	Stop.
	Yeah.
	Air brakes.
	What were you driving?
	I was riding a Harley-Davidson that I rented, a DynaGlide from Oat 8.
	How many CCs is that?
	I don't know, 1,200.
	It's high.
	And was it like a roadster?
	Let's pull it up.
	How do we pull it up?
	Tell us what to Google image.
	Look up an O8 Dyna glide.
	Oh, that's interesting.
	So no fairing or anything?
	Well, it has a fairing over the light, but there's no windshield, no.
	And you're doing probably like on average 40 miles an hour.
	It's not like you're ripping down highways, right?
	Yeah, the kilos, it was very slow.
	It feels faster because you're on the left side of the road.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I don't like highways on my motorcycle.
	I start pooping in my panties.
	I love the idea of green and curving roads and all that stuff.
	Well, I mean, when we rode from Dublin, that was pretty much the fastest we went.
	We went up to Trolley and then down to the Ring of Kerry in Kira Vasine, which was like, you know, small mountain roads where it's just, you're basically going 40 miles an hour at the max.
	And you're stopping at pubs and stuff?
	Exactly.
	Drinking Guinness is thick as syrup, drink a Jameson.
	They're confused when you order a Jameson and a beer.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	That seems like it's an American thing.
	Maybe it's an American thing because our service isn't great here as far as pub culture goes.
	So we like to stock up and have our supplies.
	Well, they were telling me they were scared of Conor McGregor because he was a rough fella.
	Like, they said they wouldn't serve Proper 12 because he hit that 60-year-old guy at his pub.
	When did Ireland become Fegerland?
	They were pretty gay.
	I'm not going to lie.
	I heard they all hate Trump's fucking guts.
	I met a couple guys who really liked Trump, but I didn't talk politics most of the time I was there because I was scared that they were going to be super paused.
	Yeah, they are super.
	And Scotland has the same problem.
	It's this underdog cult.
	You see this in Canada.
	You see it in Ireland.
	You see it in Scotland where they are next to a big, powerful country, so they hate big and powerful.
	And they have to flex.
	So Trump represents big and powerful.
	So they're like, what is there?
	But Israel represents big and powerful.
	So they're like, I love Palestine.
	And you're like, no, you don't, you dumbass.
	You're just choosing it because it's the underdog.
	So anyway, sorry, I had to get that context.
	What happened?
	Well, so I got laid the first night I was there, right?
	And I do no wanks, right?
	I try to follow your mantras.
	So I was there for 10 days, right?
	So I had nine days, no jerking off, no coming, nothing.
	I came back and I called a bitch I know.
	I had to drive back from New York to Atlantic City, where I'm from, right?
	Wow, you're from Atlantic City?
	Correct, sir.
	That's a dive.
	Yes, it is.
	Baghdad with G-string, sir.
	Damn.
	You basically live in Detroit.
	Yes.
	Yes, I do.
	Rock City.
	Put your makeup on.
	Make your hair look pretty.
	Meet me tonight in Atlantic City.
	Did you hear that chicken man?
	Well, they blew up.
	What does he say?
	They blew up the chicken man.
	They blew up his whole house, too.
	Yeah.
	Well, they're not.
	They blew up the chicken man in Philly last night.
	I thought Bruce Brinkstein was a Jew.
	I looked him up.
	He's like Dutch.
	No, he talks like a fucking cowboy because he owns a ranch, but he's from fucking Seaside Heights, which is way more gentrified than it is here.
	Oh, really?
	But his mom was a teacher.
	I think he's lower middle class.
	I'll take it.
	He's middle class.
	If you're from Jersey, you're lower middle class.
	You're fucking middle class.
	Okay.
	That is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever written, though.
	Yeah, it is great.
	I'm not going to lie.
	So is Highway Patrolman.
	Oh, my God.
	I came home.
	Man turns his back on his family.
	And that man ain't no good.
	Remember fucking Bruce Springston and Barack Obama.
	We were talking about this on Compound Censored, where Barack Obama's like, you know, you had that guy, Clarence Clemens, out there on the stage, and people are cheering in Jersey.
	But, you know, this same guy, they're going to call him a nigger when he comes out of the bar.
	What?
	There hasn't been racism in New Jersey since 1891.
	And when he says that, Bruce Springsteen is just like, yeah, that's everyone calling Clarence an N-word.
	That's the way it goes.
	Yeah, that was where we kind of turned our back on Bruce down here.
	We kind of don't deal with him anymore.
	Yeah, well, his whole 9-11 shit.
	They loved it in Ireland, by the way.
	I was weirded out by that.
	They were all asking me about Bruce Springsteen when I told them I was from New Jersey.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I kind of lost him with the 9-11 shit.
	What was that song called?
	The Ground Zero, or what was it called?
	I actually don't know.
	His 9-11 song?
	I fucking hate Bruce Springsteen.
	Yeah.
	Fucking dope.
	Well, politically, I like some of his old songs.
	His synth shit lost me a little bit, but, you know, that's how it goes.
	Anyway, we're really dragging up this call.
	What's your conundrum?
	I need advice.
	All right.
	So when I came back from that trip, I'd come back for a while, and I'd been eating fish and shifts, so I was pretty jammed up intestinally.
	I called this nurse I know.
	She comes over.
	We're fucking, right?
	She's blowing me.
	I'm at her apartment, mind you.
	She's blowing me.
	She's blowing me very well.
	And I had to shit pretty bad because I've been on a plane for about seven hours.
	So I left a bit of a stain.
	I left a skid mark on her sheets and I didn't tell her.
	We fell asleep.
	I woke up.
	I saw it.
	I put on my boots.
	I got on my bike.
	I went home.
	Right.
	So I don't know if I should call her again.
	I'm asking for your advice on what I should do.
	Should I just not call her again?
	Should I call her and talk about it?
	Should I just ignore it completely?
	I want to know your opinion.
	I got this one.
	Oh, Barack Obama's here.
	I do.
	I've got the answer for him.
	So you wind up hanging out with her a lot.
	You know, in the next couple of days, you hang out with her about once a day and carry a chocolate bar in your pocket.
	What about eight Barack?
	What about a Jello pudding pop?
	You could put a little bit of pudding on there, too.
	I don't know where you're getting at with that.
	But you sound like that you're about to talk about jello pudding pops.
	A lot of folks pop jello, the way it jiggles.
	But you just let yourself be the candy guy who always has chocolate in your pocket and be like, sorry, I got this chocolate bar in my back pocket.
	I always carry it with me.
	I don't know if I told you.
	I'm a chocaholic.
	Yeah.
	And you...
	Chocolate bar guy.
	You put a chocolate smear on her couch.
	Every time.
	There I go again with my stupid Twitch bars.
	But wait a minute.
	Why would the chocolate be unwrapped in your pocket?
	Well, you're saving some for later.
	You know, when like you're a kid, you have half a candy bar to put in your pocket.
	So Detective Shitty strikes again, and no, you're officially barred from giving advice on this show.
	Detective shitty fucked me up.
	Yeah.
	And one thing about shit stains is it's not like you can like go get a Clorox bleach wipe and just go, doodle little loop, we're good.
	That's what I'm worried about.
	Like, I don't even know if you could wash it out at a laundromat.
	It's a big deal, a shit stain.
	I mean, it's fucking grease pencil.
	Explain the fish and chips, man.
	Yeah, there you go.
	I would plow through like nothing happened.
	Yeah, you're a man.
	Let's get a beer shit.
	And then if she goes, hey, can I...
	So if you call her and you're like, let's grab a beer and she doesn't respond, you're like, oh, well, I guess she's sensitive about bed shitters.
	But if she brings it up and she's like, can I talk to you about something?
	You left a little chocolate streak on my sheets.
	And you're like, oh, yeah, sorry about that.
	Won't happen again.
	Yeah, dude.
	Or be like, it's a solidarity for Johnny Depp.
	It's payback.
	We've been through a lot of men.
	But think about it.
	You didn't fuck a kid.
	Like, you had a minor accident that had nothing to do with you.
	It's not negligence.
	You didn't go like, guess what, bitch?
	That'd be awesome, too.
	So you had an accident.
	It's the same as stubbing your toe or bumping your head.
	Some poo came out of your bunk.
	We know what's going to happen.
	She's going to blow them left.
	But I'm an adult man.
	I feel like I shouldn't be shitting myself in this chick bed.
	You're talking to the wrong man.
	You should not be doing that.
	That's why we have a mom and a dad.
	The dad tells you, get your shit together, you fucking idiot, and slaps you around.
	And your mom goes, It's okay.
	We know that you have chocolate streaks when you get a blowjob.
	I appreciate your counsel, Gavin.
	Thanks for calling.
	Thank you very much.
	Is Gavin Chris Isaac?
	Hear me out.
	They're both snappy dressers.
	True.
	With catchy tunes.
	Well, I have one catchy tune who have a love goddess on a circular bed dispensing relationship.
	Advice, coincidence.
	If you ever heard of Chris Isaac, you can be forgiven.
	After all, he never had a felon cooking.
	You know, one time my buddy Dan, we called him Sharky.
	He had a pompadour and he wore suits.
	And we would drink like, like, he ended up in rehab.
	But we would go to South by Southwest every year.
	And he would stay awake.
	He stayed awake for five fucking days.
	Not meth.
	Cocaine and beer.
	I can only go 14 hours.
	That's how we came up with the acronym Downer.
	Don't cock block.
	Only 14 hours.
	Water aplenty.
	Never after 4 a.m.
	Eat your dinner.
	Regulate your bumps.
	But he looked kind of like Chris Isaac.
	So we went to the VIP, you know, like Delta house, those VIP lounges?
	And I went up to the ladies and I said, hi, we don't have our cards to get him in here, but I'm Chris Isaac's manager.
	And he's going to be here any second now.
	And I just want to make sure everything goes through.
	And there's a black lady.
	This is actually one of the few moments of racism I've ever seen in my life.
	There's a black lady and she's like, what?
	What are you talking about?
	And then Dan starts walking down and he's like at the end of the hallway.
	And the white woman goes, I'll handle this, Shaniqua.
	Yes, Mr. Isaac will be well taken care of.
	You guys just go through that door.
	And I was like, thank you so much.
	And then me and Dan go into the lounge and just start fucking.
	It was, I think, 6 a.m.
	And we had to go behind the bar ourselves and start pulling pints.
	That's why there was no bartender there.
	It was great.
	So you are Chris Isaac?
	$100 coming in.
	Another time, we left a bar, and I was with my wife's friend.
	He was visiting.
	He's actually dead now.
	He died of an aneurysm, probably because he realized how cool I am and how he'll never be as cool as me.
	But we come into some bar in the East Village, and I just say, come here.
	I throw him in a limousine that's sitting there.
	I get in the other side, and I go, hey, man, they're just going to take a taxi.
	Can we go up to 14th Street?
	And B, we've got to go to a bar called The Cock.
	And he's like, oh, okay, whatever.
	We just stole their limousine.
	Liquid courage.
	I know a guy who's in his 30s and he watches Disney kid movies, plays video games all day as a woman, dresses like a fag, has low tee.
	Is he gay?
	Is this your friend Mike, Ryan?
	Who's Mike?
	Mike.
	This guy's obviously talking about you.
	Oh, no, I don't know Mike.
	That doesn't sound like me at all.
	I noticed some people talking about how this shooter, by the way, in Texas played Call of Duty a lot, and that seems to be a common thread with mass shooters.
	And I know we're into free speech and everything.
	We're not allowed to criticize video games because it's the same as the comic book code and the PMRC and all that.
	I'm open to it.
	I'm open to the possibility that video games play a factor in these shootings.
	I feel like more people play Call of Duty men than have guns.
	So I think for the amount of shootings that have happened that happen to be Call of Duty players.
	Oh, I see.
	It could be like every shooter has played Call of Duty and then you're like, yes, and every shooter has drank in Coca-Cola.
	Correct.
	It's like that ubiquitous.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I hate video games, so I'm not an expert on this subject.
	You know who is?
	Matty Odell.
	Matty!
	Is that you there, Gavin?
	See you, Yoeikon.
	I'll fucking bow to you.
	So well.
	All right, right.
	Both fun.
	Hanging.
	It's too good for you.
	Hey.
	How's it going down there in Florida?
	Oh, it's great.
	It's great.
	I was out on the boat all day fishing.
	What's the weather like?
	Low 90.
	High 80s, low 90s.
	No, thank you.
	How was your Scottish ass surviving that?
	Today I had a full long sleeve shirt on that was SPF 50.
	So the sun couldn't go through the shirt while I was out on the boat.
	But my face, like my cheeks and my nose got a little red.
	But not too bad.
	I had glasses and a hat, too.
	What kind of fish were you catching?
	We were going for Mahi, like tuna, like dolphin fish.
	But we caught these ones called panitas.
	They're basically like mackerel and tuna.
	They're in the same family.
	Ah, yummy.
	They're probably like, I don't know, two and a half, like 30 inches long, 32, 34 inches long.
	40, 40.
	40.
	They're like predatory fish.
	Oh, yeah, I know those.
	The nickname among fishermen, they call them Gavin Dicks.
	Here you go, Gavin Dicks.
	I was out fishing Gavin Dicks all day.
	We got about 10.
	Did you fry them up tonight?
	Did you eat them?
	No, I got a...
	Well, we cleaned them.
	They're just sitting in the cooler on ice right now.
	I'm going to have some tomorrow.
	I mean, they're not that popular in America, but in the Mediterranean, they're considered a delicacy.
	So I'm going to chef them up on the grill tomorrow.
	Nice.
	We're going to have to check it out.
	I've eaten tons of marble and tons of tuna, so it can't be that much difference.
	We should shoot at Maddie's awesome kitchen, Dilly.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So Sylv's not feeling good.
	She's under the weather, huh?
	Yeah, we don't have our Sylvia.
	We're here alone.
	Our whack pack has been thinned out.
	Well, I'll be home tomorrow.
	I'll be home tomorrow.
	Maddie, shoot the little kitchen, and get off my lawn live next week for sure.
	By the way, I made your pork chop recipe.
	It came out delicious.
	Look at it.
	Check it out.
	It was roasted on the sides.
	You're real low.
	I can barely hear you.
	Oh, yeah.
	I got to turn on my mic.
	Yep, sir.
	Yeah.
	I seen the picture you sent me of you cooking the.
	And how was the salsa verdict?
	Oh, my God.
	Fantastic.
	Basically, to die for.
	Caroline and I were just completely in awe.
	Nice.
	So, Gab, how did five guys go?
	Dude, the most notable thing about it was when I bit it in the cheeseburger, I could taste and isolate every single thing there.
	Yeah.
	Did it fuck with your gut too much or no?
	No, not at all.
	Maybe because I was cheating with beer all week.
	Yeah, probably.
	That was fun, too.
	I felt great.
	No, I'm fat again.
	All right, man.
	What's that?
	Thanks for checking in, gorgeous.
	Yeah, yeah, definitely.
	I'll see you tomorrow.
	I'll see you Saturday.
	Right on, dude.
	All right, have a good one.
	Take care of you.
	Take care of you.
	We've got a letter here.
	Someone's mad at me for pronouncing detritus wrong.
	Gavin, please say this word correctly.
	It's annoying how you say it.
	One of your numerous mispronunciations.
	Ouch.
	I appreciate that.
	Like, typo's bad grammar gets on my nerves.
	And I can appreciate me mispronouncing something pisses you off.
	I'm with that.
	Good.
	That's like one time I was on my motorcycle in Brooklyn, and I had pink socks and a suit on, and these Puerto Ricans were like, you fucking fag, from their car.
	And I was like, I appreciate you.
	People get on my nerves, too, with their fashion.
	So I get that.
	Yeah, I get that you're mad.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That makes sense.
	I'd probably tell me.
	I'm on your side.
	I'd probably call me a fag, too, if I was you.
	Maybe I am a fag, fuck.
	Good point.
	You're a mile away.
	You're still.
	You know, I've been thinking, maybe.
	We got another cool.
	Oh, wait, wait.
	We got to see this pronunciation, dumbass.
	We are looking at how to pronounce these words in American English.
	The pronunciation is as detritus.
	No.
	The second syllable and the trisy syllable.
	Detritus?
	I don't believe you.
	I think I might continue to pronounce this.
	Oh, no, it looks like they're right.
	Detritus.
	Detritus?
	I got the armor?
	That was contracted with...
	I contracted detritus.
	The thing about detritus is it sounds like a pile of shit.
	You know what I mean?
	Right.
	Debris.
	Detritus.
	Detritus, it sounds like a...
	It sounds like King Neptune has it as a fork.
	Yeah, or like a Roman god.
	Yeah, it sounds cool.
	Lord Detritus, please stand trial for your man in the gallows.
	That's a bummer.
	I wonder if I could maybe get a petition to have it changed.
	Can you do that?
	I think so.
	Detritus.
	I'm not saying that word anymore.
	Yeah, fuck it.
	I hate detritus.
	We could look up synonyms for it.
	Detritus sounds exactly like what it is.
	Synonyms for.
	It's sort of like misnomer.
	Misnomer is a word that you've got wrong, like I can't think of an example, but a word that people commonly meant.
	Like, for example, non-plussed.
	Non-plussed is a misnomer in the sense that people think it means unimpressed, but it means surprised.
	So that's not actually a great example, but a misnomer is when a term is misunderstood.
	But I wish misnomer just meant a general myth.
	Like it's a misnomer that the earth is flat, but it doesn't mean that.
	I want to start changing the language to fix my incredibly inept understanding of the English language.
	That would be much more convenient.
	We've got 949 on the line.
	Hello.
	Hello.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Gavin?
	Yep.
	Oh, what's up, Gavin?
	What's up, Brian?
	What up?
	Hey, Gavin, since you've lost some weight from fasting and probably gained back a little bit, you should let me make you a custom leather belt.
	Ryan's wearing one, I think, right now.
	He's right.
	It's called the Andrew WG belt.
	This is made with a water buffalo from Minnesota.
	Has it got two prongs?
	It's handmade.
	Here, check it out.
	Does it have two pegs?
	One.
	No, one.
	Do you do any with two?
	I like the two pegs.
	Look at that.
	We could do that.
	Usually they're all stiff.
	Oh, that's nice.
	Take free ad.
	Thanks for calling.
	When I take team scrotum boobs, if there's ever been a sign that left-wing proponents don't give a damn about social justice, it's the fact that they won't allow marijuana legislation to pass unless it includes social justice reform.
	The demands they want to include claim to help minorities affected by poor marijuana policies of the past, despite knowing Republicans will not cave to their obviously unpopular social justice faggotry.
	So this means criminals involved in or associated with cartels will continue to make the money from marijuana and continue to be able to sustain criminal behavior like child sex trafficking and gangbanging, thus oppressing minorities even more than if reform is ignored.
	How am I supposed to take anyone in this country in a position of authority seriously when our leaders can't make such a simple move?
	Also, old school slavery wasn't that bad.
	Uh-oh.
	That's controversial.
	Because at least they got to go outside, catch raise with their friends, and build camaraderie.
	Most people don't even have that and just sit on their laptops becoming vitamin D deficient and tell themselves they're happy while writing weird grumps about politics.
	Ah, funny takes.
	It's funny how so much of America is scared of ideas.
	Even my neighbors, all mad at me because of my ideas.
	How gay.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Yes, hello.
	Are you guys talking to me?
	Yes, yes.
	We're speaking with you.
	Yes.
	Hello.
	Sorry.
	Okay.
	I had a question.
	I'm a subscriber on both platforms, Compound and Censored, and I want to go to the show, but I can't go to the show.
	I got a two-year-old.
	So I was wondering, is there any kind of like VIP room that you guys can open up on the platform to like let people buy tickets so they can see a streaming broadcast?
	It's like a pay-per-view on June.
	Like a pay-per-view like inside one of the platforms.
	Why can't you leave your two-year-old with your wife?
	I'm only gonna watch.
	She's here by herself.
	I'd rather not be on that issue.
	All right.
	Well, come to the next one.
	I don't want to televise this because it takes away from the specialness of it.
	If we were in COVID or something, we might do that.
	But no, you got to go there, experience it.
	There might be like a dock afterwards with some footage and stuff like that, but.
	Oh, cool.
	Thanks, man.
	Go to VideoDrop.
	Catch you later.
	Thanks for calling.
	Okay.
	Go to the VideoDrop.
	I get a weird feeling when I see the Jeffersons.
	I just feel cozy, I guess, because it was such a huge part of my childhood.
	Yeah.
	Oh, it was part of your childhood, too.
	We had Nick at Night, and it was All in the Family Cosby Show and Jefferson's.
	I loved all of them.
	I just feel like someone put a warm cardigan on me when this show comes on.
	What the hell is he so mad about?
	That nigga burned down my store.
	Don't believe me.
	What the hell's he so mad about?
	That nigga burned down my store.
	They said the N-word a lot on that show.
	Yeah.
	Remember, Jared Jefferson got this fancy watch?
	It was worth like $2,000.
	And when he tells his wife, she goes, nigga, please.
	No way.
	Oh, they used to use it like that.
	Damn.
	I want to find that clip.
	Dude, Honeymooners?
	Bro.
	Oh, they said nigger every episode.
	No, I don't.
	Alice, have you been one of the...
	Was there ever a black person on Honeymooners?
	Never.
	Actually, I don't know if this is.
	Well, the new Honeymooners with Cedric the Entertainer and whatever the hell his name is.
	Mrs. Jeterson, would you tell this woman to whom she is speaking?
	Oh.
	That's appropriation.
	Why, certainly, Mrs. Van Morris.
	Maurice, you are speaking to a jackass.
	Oh.
	The woman just called my wife a jackass.
	I don't believe it.
	Me neither.
	You should have dropped the jacket.
	I want to see.
	I think the M-bomb's over here.
	Damn, I dropped the needle good.
	This is obviously a boar.
	Yeah, they used to go great.
	Dropped the needle good?
	Everything was going great till you started dropping needles, fat boy Slim.
	Go way back.
	Oh, you want to set up the whole lead-in.
	You should have dropped the jab.
	Hey, we were good.
	Everything was fine before you came in.
	My needle was great.
	Florence, I'd like some champagne.
	Did you hear what they said to me?
	Damn, dear dear.
	What can you expect?
	Mrs. Jefferson's obviously a poor.
	What the hell did you say?
	A boar?
	Like a pig?
	A poor.
	Like a poor person.
	No, Ryan, wrong again.
	No one uses an adjective as a noun.
	Oh, maybe he meant a white African farmer?
	A boar.
	A boar?
	No, he meant a fucking pig.
	Oh.
	This is obviously a boar.
	Are you losing your hearing?
	No, but you're going to be losing your teeth.
	It's too late to beg, chunk.
	What are you doing?
	What do you look like I'm doing?
	You don't ask me that to me.
	No, of course not.
	I'm through and you have the social register.
	Goodbye.
	Oh, yeah?
	Well, I won't tell you what you can kiss.
	They were all about getting fired back then.
	There was always like some opportunity they were graveling for.
	And at the end of where I got it from...
	80s culture.
	They'd side with their family over whatever big opportunity was going to come up.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I feel like I can see Archie Bunker like blowing it.
	That was a cool.
	It was get fired, get in trouble back then.
	It would always be like some, Archie or the protagonist would be kissing someone's ass the whole episode, and then the family would be behind him but disappointed, and then the family would take some abuse, and then he would turn, and he'd blow an opportunity.
	To defend that.
	And then it would be like, because his family came first, and then he'd be with his family at the end of the episode, and everyone would be happy.
	Yeah.
	Now, you know, people watch stuff like that and go, dude, why didn't you kiss his ass?
	You could have been part of the social movie.
	Just throw your fucking sister, cousin, mom under the table.
	Whoa, that was a big piece.
	Another one of our ceiling.
	A fire.
	Shit falls.
	It's not fire.
	Detective shitty.
	This was our Jefferson's, by the way.
	Oh, my God.
	The PJs was the funniest fucking show.
	So good.
	It was amazing.
	They're good.
	This is a porno movie.
	Oh, my God.
	A porno movie in my clockhouse.
	That was most dead.
	This is an outrage.
	This is all the super spouts.
	Oh, no, no, no.
	This wasn't a plan.
	Is it CGI?
	I thought it was fucking claymation for a second.
	I think it's like a cross between claymation and CGI.
	I mean, claymation, that would take billions of hours to make that show.
	I bet it was...
	It's a CGI fake claymation thing.
	Yeah.
	As a kid, I thought that that was...
	Oh, that's a bummer.
	That's cute.
	You and I were watching the PJs together.
	And the Jeffersons.
	And the Jeffersons.
	Well, no, I was watching the Jeffersons when it was live.
	Oh, okay.
	Mark is on the line.
	Let's talk to Mock.
	Hey.
	Hey, Mock.
	What's going on, Mock?
	Hey, I'm doing alright.
	Over here, you know, just got done checking the old prostate, and everything's good.
	Cool.
	Checking on your taints.
	Self-yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I heard that sun, you know, drinking bottles that shrink your taints.
	I've been working on that.
	Hmm.
	Did you know when you get those radioactive isotopes for prostate cancer, they never take them out, and you're just sitting there for the rest of your life with radioactive isotopes in your taint?
	Whoa.
	Till you die?
	He did not know that.
	So weird.
	All right.
	So I got this scenario for you.
	Okay, so whatever your favorite band is, favorite genre of music, would never exist.
	Time Traveler comes up to you, and so you either have to fuck Buck Angel every once once a week for the rest of your life or get banged by like Gigi Gorgeous once a month for a year.
	Wait a minute, stop.
	What has this got to do with the favorite band, favorite music shit?
	So look, so like your favorite band would never exist.
	You can save this, but you have to get one.
	I mean, I'm thinking of Crass, the anarcho-punk band.
	I don't know.
	Were they that good for the world?
	I think they encouraged a lot of Antifa members.
	Yeah, then your second favorite band.
	It might be good to get rid of my favorite band.
	But so let's erase the band part.
	It's just a would you rather?
	You don't need to add this like murdering a band.
	So would I rather fuck Buck Angel once a week or what?
	Suck Gigi Gorgeous's dick?
	Once a month.
	Yeah, once a month, Bertie.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Dude, we've been through this a million times.
	You'd always rather fuck Buck Angel because at least then you're lying in bed at night and you're...
	You're not gay.
	You're not gay and you've never fucked a dude.
	You fucked the ugliest woman imaginable, but you've never fucked a dude.
	If you suck Gigi Gorgeous's dick or let him peg you or whatever, you fucked a dude.
	It's like eating a piece of pizza that looks like a pile of garbage or eat a pile of garbage that tastes like pizza.
	Yeah, I'd rather have the garbage or eat the pizza still.
	Yeah, the pizza.
	All right, thanks for calling.
	No, no, you don't get to.
	You get the fade, though.
	That's for sure.
	For every Kohler trying to squeeze the second thing, you will get the fade.
	Did you know Sylvia refuses to fuck me because I'm married?
	I heard.
	You didn't frame it that way before.
	Before it was kind of like...
	You said, I would never sleep with you because you're married.
	I don't want to fuck with someone's marriage.
	Did you do this?
	I was like...
	Dang it.
	Is that what's holding us apart?
	This?
	I thought it was the first time.
	We're one gold band away from a massive fuck sesh?
	Hold on tight, Ring.
	Hold on tight.
	We got some.
	No, I love her.
	That don't mean to disparage her.
	That was Elaine.
	724, you're on the line.
	Hi, guys.
	Hey, man.
	What's up?
	Hey, guys.
	I'm going to try to impersonate every caller from now on.
	Okay.
	All right.
	So go ahead, sir.
	Yes.
	So I don't know if you're seeing these reports that these cops allowed that shooter an hour inside with all these little children before even attempting to enter the school.
	What are your thoughts on it?
	Do you think it's just maybe they got rid of all the good cops because they didn't want to take a COVID shot or they just have shitty cops in Texas?
	Jonathan Lazy.
	Is your nickname Jonathan Sirious Pants?
	Actually, it is.
	Oh, wow.
	That's the first time I've ever guessed a nickname.
	We have caller.
	Do you feel that the cops who didn't get in there, how do you feel about that?
	Are we losing all our good cops?
	Did you squeeze in your hot take with a question?
	We're on to you.
	Do you think maybe it's possible?
	Welcome back.
	I'm caller number three on Get Off My Lawn Live.
	I want to talk to you about the...
	You sound like the newscaster from The Simpsons.
	Yeah, I don't know that whole story.
	So what was the story?
	The cops were outside for like minutes and minutes.
	An hour, they say, some people.
	An hour.
	It doesn't take that long to kill 19 kids.
	It takes 19 seconds.
	They're arresting parents.
	What?
	They what?
	Sorry?
	There was parents that were trying to go in, and they actually like, I think they tased one or something like that.
	Tucker had it on tonight.
	It was pretty.
	Right.
	I thought that was after the shooting, though.
	Like, they wanted to help, you know, ka-chunk-ka-chunk kind of thing.
	And the police were saying, you're not an EMT.
	Don't worry, we'll handle it.
	And they had to hold the parents back.
	I thought it was before this way, Destroy Tucker portrayed it.
	I don't know.
	I mean, like I said, I think all this shit's just coming out right now.
	So it's going to be interesting to see.
	Yeah, that sounds like that was what happened in Parkland, right?
	The cops were outside too scared to go in.
	But yeah, I think your original assessment is accurate that the new breed of cop is a pussy rule follower because that's what they made the job into.
	I do not know one cop who wants his kid to be a cop.
	The job is dead.
	The job is dead.
	And these are people whose great-granddad was a cop.
	So we've got generation after generation of cops and it's finally ended now because they've ruined the fucking job.
	Anyway, thanks for calling.
	Very disturbing.
	Yeah.
	I haven't even looked at myself.
	But in Scotland, they just, every seven-foot-tall man was a cop.
	That was just it.
	That's how it went.
	Because Scotland has the Highlanders and the Lowlanders.
	So the Lowlanders are like the urban Glaswegians, but the Highlanders were like the descendants of the Picts who were fucking giant people.
	Like they had full-body, they were sort of the aboriginals of Scotland.
	They had full-body tattoos.
	They cut your head off and ate it.
	And they looked exactly like this with big mustaches and tattoos.
	Those are the Picts.
	Look up the Picts.
	P-I-C-T-S.
	And then they became like the Bravehearts in the Tartan fucking kilts and all that.
	So they were fucking huge.
	There's my people.
	And then when Glasgow became the Industrial Revolution hotspot, all the Highlanders came down from the hills and they started working in the factory.
	That literally looks like you.
	It is food tattoos.
	It is me.
	Little ass dick.
	Except the dick is a third of mine.
	And you have the head of somebody?
	He's like me after I dip on a cold day.
	I guess it is a cold day, right?
	It's Scotland.
	Yeah, so that is me.
	That's your shield made of Maker's Mark Wack.
	My dick could get that cold maybe in February if I was outside.
	Do you see the face?
	That looks like...
	This is fucking creepy to me.
	Yeah, let's try to do a side-by-side.
	Oh, that's a full thing.
	That's present.
	The guy in the spear is you.
	Ouch.
	Well, no, he's not on the stake.
	He's just being held and also...
	He's dual-wielding in one hand.
	That's weird.
	Yeah, that's a different color, is that sword, kneecap tattoos?
	Look, he's got...
	Oh, you get the plaid.
	He's got tartan tattoos.
	You get tartan tattoos.
	That's a cool tattoo idea.
	So after Glasgow's Industrial Revolution was over, and they were no...
	Like made in Taiwan, it used to be made in Glasgow.
	Glasgow made everything.
	All your clothes, your whiskey, all the boats were made in Glasgow.
	And then that entire industry died.
	So you've got these giant men from the highlands.
	And they all became cops.
	So when you were a bad boy at school, you'd go to the principal's office and they'd just bring in a cop to bullshit, like to scare you.
	And they'd be like, we're forced to call the police, the polis.
	The polis want to speak to you, Gavin.
	You got, you need working on, boy.
	And you'd shit your pants because there was a fucking monster in the room.
	A giant bobby.
	Now, now I saw the fucking hats.
	You know, the bobby hats?
	They're rainbow-colored.
	I know.
	Yes.
	London police wear rainbow-colored bobby helmets because what now?
	Gay rights?
	The only people that hate gays are Muslims, which is a lot of London.
	But I don't think that's what you're going for.
	You're basically like saying Nazi skinheads or something.
	There we go.
	Look at that absolute fag.
	That's one of the times when the word gay is both gay and gay.
	That's every definition of the word gay.
	Oh my God.
	Did he make that himself?
	It looks like it.
	What a dork.
	They're good at crafts.
	Born to craft.
	Baby, I was born to craft.
	Macaroni cheese.
	Next caller is...
	That was one of the worst jokes.
	304, you're on the line.
	Hello, hello.
	Hello, hello.
	Hello, hello.
	Is that your hot guy voice?
	Yeah, dude, you're fuckable.
	Hey, man.
	Let me guess.
	You're super fucking hot.
	Are you leaning against something?
	And what kind of cigarette do you have?
	What time is it, man?
	Yeah, cool guys always need to know the time, man.
	He has like a cardigan on with no shirt underneath.
	He's like, oh, sorry, I just woke up.
	Yeah, yeah.
	What time is it?
	Video on?
	Shit, how can you see me?
	Yeah, we have FaceTime now.
	Fuck.
	Are you a George Clooney going to ride around your motorcycles promoting tequila?
	Fellas, this is Ragnar Deniskjold of Cape Fear Chapter.
	Just wanted to say hey and wish Gavin a happy Founder's Day.
	Oh, fuck, I forgot.
	We're six years old today.
	This is it, right?
	This is Proud Boys' Day.
	This is it.
	Six years ago today, we announced the formation of the Proud Boys at about, I don't know, 8 p.m.
	Wow.
	And what chapter are you?
	Cape Fear, North Carolina.
	Cape Fear?
	Never heard of it.
	They made a movie about us.
	It was several years before we were founded somehow called Cape Fear.
	It had Robert De Niro in it.
	You might have heard of it.
	I'm remotely familiar with the barrister.
	I don't know.
	It was a documentary.
	What does he call it lawyer?
	Counselor or barrister?
	Counselor?
	Good morning, Counselor.
	I don't even know.
	And when he pulls up on his fucking convertible, that's the scariest scene in the whole movie.
	Yeah, it's been a long time since I've seen it.
	You know, I always use the boat.
	I always use the boat in that movie to define marriage when I tell men that if you're divorced, it's your fault, no matter what happened.
	Because no matter what the weather is, you're driving the boat.
	You got to keep this thing going.
	And they go, she was a crazy bitch.
	And I'm like, yeah, the weather was bad that night.
	You still got to steer the thing.
	But thank you.
	I want to move to Greenville.
	Am I going to be near Cape Fear?
	Will you guys be my nearest chapter?
	We won't be the nearest.
	No, you're going to have, there's a couple awesome kick-ass South Carolina chapters that are going to be right around close to you.
	So there'll be that, but we will see each other.
	Yeah, we will have some Carolina meets between North and South Carolina.
	So I'll definitely see it.
	But I just wanted to call you, wish you a happy Founders Day.
	You're a great man and a statesman.
	And, man, you've made a real difference in a lot of people's lives.
	I've got more than one guy that said that this club literally saved their lives.
	So, you know, I know that, you know, you stepped away a little while back, but, you know, kind of like your theory on the Big Bang, how God put it all into action.
	I don't necessarily prescribe to that, how that all happened, but man, you put all this into motion and made it happen.
	So this is the day that I definitely credit to you and not just our birthday.
	Not just our birthday, but also saying thank you to the man that founded it.
	Cheers, buddy.
	To your health.
	Cheers.
	Thanks a lot.
	And to yours.
	And just for you.
	Proud of your boy.
	I'll make you proud of your boy.
	Believe me, bad as I've been, Ma.
	You're in for a pleasant surprise.
	I've wasted time.
	I've wasted me.
	So say I'm slow for my age.
	A late bloomer.
	Okay, I agree.
	That I've been a one-rotten kid.
	Some sun, some pride, and some joy.
	But I'll get over these lousing up, messing up, screwing up times.
	You'll see my now comes the better part.
	Somebody's gonna make good crosses, stupid heart.
	Make good and finally make you proud of you, boy.
	At meetups, we never go past that.
	No, I don't know the rest of the song.
	It could be like death middle.
	He'd always be like, oh, yeah.
	Mia, no good.
	Yeah, come out in the middle of no.
	How do you know the second half?
	20 minutes after.
	He's like doing the bridge.
	Yeah.
	He's like, well, you better watch out if you want to know what's up.
	What is the second half?
	There's like the act outs in between.
	Yeah.
	I'm the genie.
	That's why I'm blue, by the way.
	Well, guess what, Mr. Genie?
	What is the next line in that?
	Tell me.
	Let's see, right here.
	Tell me that I've been a louse and a loafer.
	You won't get a fight out of me.
	No, ma'am.
	Yeah, it's so weird, too, because everyone's like, ha ha, and cheersing and walking away.
	And then Paul's like, tell me that I've been a louse and a loafer.
	And we're like, what?
	Dude, the act that.
	Shut up, dude.
	You rules.
	We love our Paul.
	He's a great guy.
	Great guy.
	He's got a book coming out about the Proud Boy.
	Fucking A. Another 904 number.
	These are different callers, too.
	A lot of people.
	They might be the 904.
	Oh, yeah, maybe.
	We got no chicks calling this app.
	No, if you're chicks, what's going on, guy?
	Hey, Gavin.
	Hey, I just wanted to call and say I appreciate you.
	And I want to get you fitted for a new cockering, leather cockering.
	Isn't that right, Ryan?
	Do you have a lot of leather?
	Because I got a lot of cock.
	And do you also have a very little bit of leather?
	Isn't that right, Ryan?
	Because I'd like one, too.
	I'd show him.
	I'll show him.
	If you want to see how big my tuck is, you may want to check on Ryan's asshole.
	It looks like a baby yawning.
	He's right.
	Isn't this weird?
	That's true.
	Oh, are you making fun of the belt guy?
	Don't make fun of the belt guy.
	Anyway, what can I do you for?
	I got hit by a car today.
	Whoa.
	I was walking through a parking lot.
	I got hit by a Ford Fiesta.
	And he just, you know, it kind of popped me.
	You know, I kind of staggered.
	Dude came out.
	I just was like, oh, dude, dude, I'm okay.
	I was like, whatever, it's all right.
	But my question is, I walked away.
	I said, I'm fine.
	I got in my car.
	Should I have laid on the ground?
	Should I have dying cockroached?
	Flopped like a fish?
	Or did I do the right thing?
	Well, you're calling a white person.
	So obviously I'm going to say you did the right thing.
	You don't lie.
	You don't cheat and steal.
	But we have a Puerto Rican in the room, and I'm sure he's here to tell you that you should have lay down and started screaming about your back.
	Hold on, guys.
	No, no, no.
	My fucking leg is starting to hurt just from hearing this, actually.
	Yeah, my wife slipped at a Walgreens, and this Puerto Rican woman was like, sit down, sit down, I got you.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I'm familiar with that sentiment.
	But thanks for calling.
	We don't rip off people.
	I wouldn't personally do that, but I've.
	Well, your people are experts at it.
	It's against instinct to say it, but yeah, I would not do that.
	Look at this letter.
	Crisis actor.
	I hate to be that guy.
	Uh-oh, is this someone going to tell us that the Texas shooting is not true?
	You should hate to be that guy.
	I hate to be that guy, but something about this is off.
	He seems like he's performatively crying without any real tears streaming down his face or snot coming from his nose.
	You know, like when real people cry.
	Maybe he's so depleted from the trauma, this seems dubious to me.
	Also, he calls him Mr. Cooper.
	That gave me huge fucking creeps.
	What do you think?
	One thing I will say about these shootings is a lot of the time when you see someone talking, they took a Xanax or a fucking Percocet so they could make it through the day.
	So sometimes they might smile or giggle or seem like okay with things because their fucking dopamines are pumping.
	And haven't you become a person that you never ever even had a sliver of an experience being?
	Like a person who's lost somebody that close to you?
	You're like, how could you be you?
	Why are you mustard, by the way?
	I'm not mustard myself, but the color of me is mustard, yes.
	If that's what you meant.
	Now I'm why did you do that?
	Is that funny to you?
	It's cute.
	Cute.
	It's just like a little visual pop.
	I match your background.
	This is sick.
	And you can barely tell.
	Like, my skin color doesn't look that off, so it just looks like I'm wearing a different shirt.
	No, it makes you look like an amateur, which I guess is an accurate representation of what you are.
	Oh, now I'm pink.
	But yeah, I went to a funeral once.
	My buddy Joe, he just died in the middle of the night.
	No drugs, no nothing.
	He had a heart irregularity.
	And he was told to look into it, and he's like, Yeah, whatever.
	Two kids, girl wife wakes up dead.
	Oh my god, Joe Fiorentino was his name.
	He was in a band with me.
	And I went to the funeral, and his wife was like, Hey, what's going on?
	And I go, Oh, we're crying like faggots.
	And I go, you seem pretty solid.
	And she's like, I'm high out of my mind.
	I'm on 4Zanax.
	So you could shoot me in the face right now.
	I wouldn't care.
	Anyway, a little side note for the conspiracy theorists out there.
	And by the way, just like I say, anti-Semitism is a rut.
	Don't get into like shootings are fake.
	I think it's very reasonable to think that a lot of major things are set up by the feds and they encourage the shooter to go do something big.
	I'm fine with that.
	But like never happened and everyone's acting.
	That's a rut.
	But wait a minute, Ryan, don't, we had a $500 one we didn't read.
	Yes.
	That's not the deal.
	We read all $100 and ups.
	Basically, what I'd like to know is I subscribe both combat.
	I'd like to go...
	Oh, okay.
	Well, we already talked to you.
	You could use that $5 to bribe your wife and be like, here, or get a steal.
	Dude, you just spent $500.
	We'll refund you, sir.
	Jeez.
	Why don't you fucking just fly down for 24 hours?
	Unless you'll kill you and your family.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, fly the family down.
	I traveled with babies.
	I brought my babies to Scotland regularly.
	Would you rather let Ryan get mugged and raped once?
	Yes.
	End of question.
	No, there's more.
	We're done.
	Why?
	That was tough.
	You're not getting anything out of it.
	The next line could be, and receive a grain of rice and get a cigarette off the ground handed to you with gloves on.
	I'm not giving you my personal rice stash anymore then.
	Would you rather let Ryan get mugged and raped once, but the Mets win the World Series that year, or have Ryan live a rape-free and very prosperous life, but the Mets never win the World Series?
	No, answer this series.
	Rape it up.
	No, answer this series.
	Rape it up.
	I'll take it.
	I'll rape him.
	I'll rape him right now.
	Nobody's asking you to do that, though.
	That's pure out of the evil of your heart.
	I would let him get raped if the Mets hit a home run that they were going to win anyway.
	If you can get nosebleed seats couldn't go because it got rained out.
	I would let Ryan get raped for a Mets home run, even though they were going to get a home run anyway.
	Wow.
	Terrible.
	All right, there's another one there.
	And somebody on the line.
	But let's wait a minute.
	We got to go back to these crisis actors.
	Oh, yes.
	And see what is fishy with the allegedly fake tears.
	So we're going to look up.
	I mean, the whole thing with Sandy Hook being fake and all that, have we had a fake shooting where there's evidence it was fake?
	I don't know.
	If it happened once, I might be open to it.
	I can't get past, like, where are you hiding the people then?
	With the people?
	What do you mean fake?
	And they're all so they're all actors.
	It never happened.
	So like the whole town is in cahoots.
	Like Sandy Hook was in Newtown.
	Everyone in Newtown is like, oh, I don't want to talk about it.
	Well, what if the deaths are real, but then there's like weirdery going on?
	Like government programs, mind control, things of that nature.
	So they control the whole town's mind?
	No, no, no, no.
	That real shooting happened, but the shooter was programmed or coerced.
	That I'm open to, not with Sandy Hook, but with other things.
	Like we saw with the kidnapping of Governor Whitmer.
	We saw the feds were literally two-thirds of the plot was feds.
	Anyway, we're running out of time here.
	Click on those links and let's see if this guy is right for being dubious.
	Oh, gotcha.
	I gotcha.
	He includes his home number in this email, which is weird.
	Oh, my.
	Hey, Kevin.
	Yeah, got your email.
	Great email, man.
	Stat, say hi.
	Your name kind of sounds like mine.
	Hey.
	Hey, sorry to wake you.
	I just want you to know I got your email.
	I've avoided watching all of this because it's a little too.
	I saw some lunatic on Twitter, like some politician saying, we need to show the pictures of the dead bodies so we can wake up and enforce real gun control.
	No, thank you.
	But go read the top of it.
	What does it say?
	Amiro Joe Garza's father, a med aid, says he found out he was one of the victims when he arrived on the scene and was helping another little girl covered in blood.
	She told him her best friend had been shot.
	When he asked her name, she said his daughters.
	There aren't worth.
	You know what I read today?
	Sorry to bring everyone down.
	But some like 11-year-old amongst the bodies, she took blood that was all over another girl's face because it was her blood.
	She smeared it on her own face and then played dead.
	Whoa.
	Welcome to hell.
	That really is a level of hell I can't even imagine.
	That's like World War II hell.
	I haven't allowed myself to imagine that.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know when you say you can't imagine having kids on what life's like?
	Well, I have kids, but you couldn't imagine anything bad happening.
	I can't physically.
	I haven't tried.
	I don't want to try.
	I'm not helping anyone by imagining that, so I haven't let it in my head.
	Good point.
	But yeah, let's see this guy talking.
	I'm a med aid.
	So when I arrived on the scene, they still had kids inside.
	They started bringing the kids out, and I was aiding assistance.
	One little girl was just covered in blood head to toe.
	Like, I thought she was injured.
	I asked her what was wrong.
	And she said she's okay.
	She was hysterical, saying that they shot her best friend, that they killed her best friend, she's not breathing, and she was trying to call the cops.
	And I asked the little girl the name, and she's...
	And she told me, she said, Amory.
	That's how you learn.
	And what are these things fishy about this?
	He's too articulate, I guess?
	No.
	I mean, like, I'm guessing part of the process I would have no idea is like talking about it, right?
	Don't you want to talk about it?
	No, but also you're literally in shock.
	Right.
	There's probably, You know, people, you're not you when anything traumatic like that happens.
	I'm not me after a bad shit.
	So, great analogy, Ryan.
	Could work.
	Thanks.
	But yeah.
	Let's see more.
	She was so sweet.
	Shakoopie.
	She was the sweetest little girl who did nothing wrong.
	She listened to her mom and dad.
	She always brushed her teeth.
	She was creative.
	She made things for us.
	She never got in trouble in school.
	I just want to know what she did to be a victim.
	And the other thing, too, about this rumor that it's fake is like, why would they make it a trans?
	They'd make it a MAGA dude with a red hat who said white power.
	I hate Mexicans.
	They wouldn't make it a Mexican.
	They'd make it me.
	What's the next one?
	Okay, the next one follows.
	I don't know about the crisis actor thing.
	It looks like the same link.
	Oh, same link.
	Yeah, it is the same link.
	I don't know about that.
	I haven't.
	Hey!
	Sorry to wake you up, Todd.
	You said the same link twice.
	I don't know.
	What was that about?
	Actually, let's do that.
	Can we?
	Yeah.
	In the meantime, this.
	God, this thing goes to sleep real fast.
	Sign up for Netflix to watch the RG special.
	Where's Ricky Gervais?
	He's got a really...
	He has really hit his stride.
	The work purge was like a fine truffle sprinkles on the BTFO souffle.
	Yeah, I've been hearing good things about this special.
	Really?
	The little piece I saw, it looked so clever.
	Oh.
	I kind of have a beef with clever.
	I don't like clever.
	You've got a problem taking something in a thing.
	I'm being ironic.
	Dude, you just put the dollar sign on the wrong fucking side.
	Are you kidding me?
	That's to make me mad, right?
	Yeah.
	They're trying to get me in trouble by saying Ryan Cat.
	Okay.
	Bastards.
	What?
	Gave us the wrong number?
	I called the right number.
	We should go to a gun range and film it.
	Agreed.
	That'd be so good.
	That guy's already run his thing.
	Yep.
	All right.
	Hello.
	Hey, man.
	You sent the same link twice.
	You're on the air.
	By the way.
	Okay, who's calling?
	It's Gavin from the mailbag, when you were worried about it being fake, huge fucking creeps.
	The link there, you included your phone number, so I thought I would mention that.
	Do you have the same link twice?
	Did you go like Control-V, Apple V, Apple V?
	Command-V?
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	That was a redundant.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Do you have Parkinson's?
	Do you have shaky fingers?
	And when you paste it, it sort of comes out twice?
	Because everything else is typed fine.
	And I was not expecting a call from you.
	That's really random.
	Big fan, dude.
	Great.
	I just gave that asshole my number.
	That was smart.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, don't hang up on him.
	Treat him.
	Hey, buddy.
	Sorry, I lost you there.
	I can't tell you how many times I always ignore calls I don't recognize, but they'll be like, we're coming by to fix your front window.
	We'll call you in a minute.
	So I'm like, okay, I have my phone on, and then I get a call.
	Yeah.
	I'm like, oh, here we go.
	Here we go.
	Yeah, hello.
	Hello, Kevin Termerganes.
	Kevin?
	Oh.
	And I'm like, yeah, is this about the front window?
	Oh, man, big fan.
	I didn't know this number worked.
	Hey, man, I don't want to bother you.
	Oh, fuck.
	What do you want to do?
	Talk?
	Patrick?
	Patrick does.
	We have open calls every Thursday if you want to chat.
	What do you want to talk about?
	Oh, yeah.
	231, you're on the line.
	He's been on hold for 11 minutes.
	But one hour, actually.
	What?
	11 minutes or one hour?
	One hour, but I've had him, I clicked on his thing 12 minutes ago.
	We haven't got him.
	Okay.
	What's up, dude?
	Why are you gay?
	Why are you gay?
	Hey, Gavin.
	I just wanted to let you know about how the foster care system works.
	Okay.
	So my wife and I are foster parents.
	You know, the classic young Catholic, happiest people in the world, except we couldn't have kids.
	And so last year we decided to be foster parents.
	And in September, on a Thursday night, we're like listening to your live show, half in the bag, and we get a call that a sibling group of three kids needs a place to stay.
	And you know what we fucking said?
	We said, sure.
	So these three kids show up on our front door at 10.45 p.m. on a Thursday night, and we've had them ever since.
	Whoa.
	Now, how long do you get them for?
	Okay, so it totally depends on the mother.
	And this lady is fat, ugly, a total slut, three different dads for all three kids.
	And she's had eight months to get her shit together.
	She's got no job, hasn't worked a day in that eight months, hasn't provided for her children at all, has no card, no house, no job.
	But wouldn't she be on welfare?
	It doesn't matter.
	She needs a place for these kids to stay.
	She's living from trailer to trailer, camper to camper.
	It's fucking ridiculous.
	Is she white?
	Yeah, unfortunately she is.
	Well, see, how much money do you get?
	About $500 a month per kid.
	So it's like $1,500, which is nothing.
	Yeah, you end up spending it on the kids.
	Because I know.
	Yeah, way more than that.
	And Gavin, here's the thing.
	Gavin, here's the thing.
	White privilege, this is the myth of white privilege because these kids, they're 2, 5, and 10.
	Okay, white privilege is total bullshit.
	These kids are white.
	They have no privilege.
	They all have different dads.
	Their mom's a total slut.
	She's been on Mets.
	She's been on heroin.
	She's been on marijuana.
	And she's a drunk.
	They have no privilege, but the left is going to look at these kids like they have white privilege, and it's totally fucked.
	So what about you take these kids?
	What if it's two years, and then she gets her shit together and takes away your children that you've learned to love?
	Yeah, it's going to happen.
	It's going to fucking suck.
	Do you ever hear the story of Lexi Page?
	No, it's the worst story ever.
	Look it up.
	She's this girl.
	She gets to the foster parents.
	She has a black eye.
	They raise her.
	They love her as their own for like four years.
	So it's like two to six.
	Then I feel nauseous just explaining this story, but I have to say it.
	There's some bullshit fucking law about reuniting Native Americans with their people.
	Yes, that's a huge part of this.
	The agency finds a family that's like 1% Indian.
	And the white people she was with are 0%.
	So they go, well, this is good news.
	We can go up a percent.
	So they tear Lexi from this family and put her in the 1% more Indian family.
	And I worked my ass off.
	I met their lawyer.
	We had her on my old show.
	And the worst part was the Indians that I spoke to who could have said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	This isn't what we have this law for.
	This is for Indians separated from their families.
	We didn't want this.
	You're shattering a family for 1%.
	That's not what we signed up for.
	But the Indians didn't get behind it because, like a lot of black people, they sort of felt like, yeah, fuck you.
	Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?
	Try a little bit of what we went through, motherfucker.
	And it's like, great.
	You got revenge on a six-year-old.
	Two quick things, okay?
	This is not the first time these kids have been in foster care.
	Five years ago, the 10-year-old and the five-year-old were in care for a year and a half, and they're back in, and the mom's going to get their kids back again.
	Can you adopt them?
	Why don't you adopt them?
	We want to, but it's not up to us because the system is all designed to get them back to their birth mom.
	Wow.
	Do you have other kids?
	No.
	So we got married, you know, 24 years old, three years, because you fucking asshole told me to marry my girlfriend, so I did.
	And then, you know, to have a bunch of kids to be happy.
	Well, that really fucking worked out.
	We couldn't have kids.
	Yeah, thanks a lot.
	So, but no, we can't have kids.
	But we wanted kids, so we decided to do this foster care thing.
	And adoption is expensive and lame and annoying.
	So we tried to do foster care, but that's way worse.
	But okay, the second thing, though, Gavin, is that these kids have an attorney.
	The mom has an attorney.
	Everyone's got, there's like four or five attorneys involved.
	There's a judge.
	No one gives a fuck about the kids.
	That's the worst part.
	What do you mean?
	I mean, you go to court and these people, you know, for months we were waiting for like an answer.
	Like, are they going back to mom?
	Whatever.
	You know what they say every time?
	We're going to adjourn this.
	We're going to push it out four weeks.
	We're going to push out six weeks.
	We're going to push out two months because it's just their fucking J-O-B.
	It's their job.
	They don't give a shit about the kids.
	And time is money to them.
	They don't give a shit how long the kids stay here.
	You know, it's all just push it back, get more money.
	It's totally fucked.
	Well, you know, I read Robin Quiver's autobiography, and her parents were big on foster care, but they didn't give a fuck about the kids.
	So Robin, as a 12-year-old girl, she's getting these babies in her house, and she has these maternal instincts, and she's loving these babies like they're her own, because she's the only one paying attention to them.
	And then they get taken away a couple weeks or a couple years later, and it's ripping her chest out every single time.
	She gets this temporary baby brother and baby sister, and then they're gone.
	She doesn't have kids to this day.
	I think it permanently damaged her.
	It must be so gut-wrenching to get an adorable little two-year-old with a black eye, save her, build her, help shape her life, and then I'll take that.
	Yep.
	And that's what's going to happen to us.
	We're a ticking time bomb.
	You know, this is what's going to happen.
	This two-year-old boy that we've just fallen in love with, the cutest little motherfucker you'll ever see, he's just going to be gone one day, and he'll just forget about us forever.
	Oh, my God.
	That's so, it's like if you did that to an animal, it would rip your face off.
	And the left would say we could never treat an animal like this.
	But when it comes to the kids, fuck them.
	Yeah, that's how you should keep these kids.
	But dress them up in dog costumes.
	Go to Amazon, Halloween, find three dog costumes, and no one will fuck with you ever again.
	Hey, first time listener, long-time caller.
	I really appreciate your time.
	All right, well, keep us posted, dude.
	Hey, Ryan, fuck you.
	Keep us posted.
	Let us know what happens.
	Yeah, I'll keep you guys posted.
	I'll give you a call.
	But hey, Ryan, next time, don't keep me on hold for 73 fucking minutes, you anal wipe.
	Well, excuse me.
	It's first come, first serve.
	And frankly, what's your name again?
	I forget your name.
	But I've heard in the streets, you've got no clout.
	Homies don't recognize your name.
	You're not really a bad person.
	What's with your eyes, dude?
	I have early syndrome.
	Early syndrome?
	Early syndrome.
	You got to get out of here.
	What's early syndrome?
	It's a syndrome that's syndrome.
	It's like the opposite of late.
	What is early and what is syndrome?
	Syndrome.
	What do you call it?
	Syndrome?
	Syndrome.
	What do you want to call it?
	Proud boys?
	Yeah, down syndrome.
	Proud boys?
	Poor boys.
	But frankly, I heard that you're a loser.
	So don't talk to my boy Ryan like that, okay?
	Any last words?
	He's gone.
	Yeah, all.
	Oh, he's still there.
	Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, your shit's all retarded, dude.
	Okay?
	Will you talk like a fag so we make a great couple, okay?
	See you in idiocracy.
	Great movie, frankly.
	Thanks for calling.
	Thanks.
	So that's it, folks.
	Yeah.
	Come on.
	That's our show.
	You want more than this?
	Jesus.
	I mean, that's a lot of show.
	We're giving you a lot of show these days.
	You don't deserve it.
	You know, when I was a kid, I didn't know what my dad did.
	If I died tomorrow, my kids couldn't possibly get through all the sh articles I wrote on Tacky Mag, all the vice.
	I have all the vice magazines like leatherbound in my library.
	They'll never get through those.
	And then these shows, it's like millions and millions of hours.
	And they're probably not even going to be curious enough to check out any of it.
	I sometimes fantasize them about being 40 and being like, I was watching dad's old shows.
	You know, he used to call you peanut heads.
	Wow.
	And then my son will be like, yeah, I know.
	Anyway, I got to go by.
	But like when I was a kid, Jimmy Kimmel talked about this.
	He goes, none of us knew what our dads did.
	I saw a business card of my dad's and it said fire control at CDC Computing Devices Canada.
	And I thought, oh, he's like a fireman.
	And not even giving a shit.
	But it meant fire like from a cannon.
	Like he was, his job was to build military contracts, mostly for Americans.
	And he was in charge of like, I don't know, things that shoot.
	Maybe a different card next week.
	He make weapons for bad guys in like comic book movies?
	This is called the Batman Exterminator with Fire.
	He was an integral part of the XM1 tank, by the way.
	Great tank.
	Great tank.
	We love, frankly, there's a lot of tanks.
	World's fastest tank, Frank.
	Vroom, Vroom.
	Vroom, Vroom.
	An excellent mile.
	Great tank.
	Terrible on gas, but what are you going to do?
	All right, folks, that's it.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	Und never stop fighting.
	Fuck these goddamn things in my head and fuck that guy at the gym that won't start looking at me when I kiss.

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