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May 27, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
41:11
GOML LIVE #150 - FOSTER PARENTS (Part 1)

At the beginning of the show we're given a bunch of cute kids to hang out with but two hours later, they are ripped away from us forever.

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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Fuck all these smart phone machines, fuck this company fishing, gas car thing I've been driving, fuck the pinger with his rotten, hippie breath, fuck this cheap cologne on my neck and stupid beard I've been riding, fuck it all motherfucker, I'm going straight to the hot spot, yep.
Fuck all these brown envelopes, slime, and stuff.
I'm lying underneath my door and fuck these goddamn things in my head and fuck that guy.
Hello, folks.
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn Live.
This is the show we do for free every Thursday, where we get in touch with the baby monsters who follow the show.
It's funny that we use it to give you a sample of Get Off My Lawn, but it's nothing like Get Off My Lawn.
Get Off My Lawn is a news show where we are sort of like Howard Stern meets Tucker Carlson and we go through the news.
Something that Daily Wire would do if they were funny.
But we don't do that here.
I tried doing the news on this show, but there's so many sponsors and we gotta peace out in like half an hour and go behind the table.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
So we just shoot the shit.
That was, uh, the opening song was a band called... What are they called?
Warm Doucher.
Warm Doucher.
How do you spell that?
Show the people at home.
It's a really cool band.
They were formed as a joke to...
For a house party.
And they're British.
The vocalist is an American gentleman.
And they're real good.
Good vibes.
The animation's like a cross between Ralph Steadman and the Monty Python guy.
Who did the art?
Terry Gilliam style animation.
No, it's Basquiat, you douche.
Oh, I see.
It's a really cool background.
I'm tempted to just keep that up.
That's dope.
Okay.
Good to know.
So, we'll be taking calls.
On this show, we'll be going through letters that we get, and we will also have a Super Chat up there.
And the money we get for that Super Chat, it's usually about 800 bucks, we give it to Max Herr and John Kinsman, who are in their last year of four.
They're serving prison time for fighting Antifa, and they committed the crime of winning the fight.
Antifa started a fight, they finished it, That is verboten in this day and age because Antifa is the paramilitary wing of the DNC, and you do not fuck with them.
They can fuck with you.
We just had those two lawyers, maybe not specifically Antifa, but that same group, that same vibe, throw a Molotov cocktail into a cop car.
I believe they got a year for that.
Maybe two.
The trial's not done.
So, according to Modern Society, burning policemen alive is 25% as bad as beating up Antifa when they pick a fight with you by throwing a bottle of piss at your head.
And don't press charges, too.
And don't want to press charges.
You think you get to meet your accuser in court?
You don't.
So you do the math on that.
You figure that out.
It sounds kind of unusual to me.
Our sponsors this week are, of course, BeardVet.
BeardVet is two things.
It is a fantastic coffee company that knocks your socks off with their Diablo blend, right?
Diablo.
If you go there now to their site BeardVet.com, use the promo code Gavin, you get 15% off.
So just the coffee alone is fantastic.
That's what we drink here at the station.
If you've noticed, we are incredibly effervescent and gregarious, and that is because we are high on caffeine when we do this show.
But totally separate from that, these veterans that are willing to die for our country also make beard grooming products to keep your beard soft and smooth.
Whoa!
Look how smooth Ryan's beard is.
Are you using BeardVet, Ryan?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't even know the camera was on me.
Yeah, I was about to use the BeardVet Clove and Sage beard grooming juice.
Now, your beard usually looks like a black man's chest.
It's got these circular little afro things, but when you use BeardVet, it calms out and looks more like an Asian woman's pubic hair.
Um, you know, that's not a flattering, but it is an inaccurate synopsis.
Remember, I was dating this Korean named Min, and I was like, Min, you gotta, like, take care of it down there.
It looks like a little punk rocker down there.
Because it wouldn't curl, it would just grow straight.
So yes, BeardVet.com.
These people are willing to die for our country and they are willing to bust their asses to satisfy your cravings for beard grooming products and coffee.
BeardVet.com, promo code GAVIN.
How are you doing, Ryan?
How was your day today?
We did an interview with some British nerd at two.
Didn't really do much else.
Ed Dutton, I believe.
After the show yesterday, I went to the bar with Anthony.
We had a long talk.
I think he finally likes me now.
Anthony?
Yeah.
Finally likes?
He loves you.
I know, but we're now friends.
It was an 8-year courtship.
Yeah, like, sometimes you do good on-camera stuff and then you don't hang out afterwards.
Yeah, he would always zip home right after.
Well, he's a zip.
How else is he supposed to go home?
But we're finally friends.
That's dope.
That was an 8-year courtship.
Too long.
Too long.
I'm over him now.
Yeah, that's what's fun.
He finally likes me, and I have other friends.
It's like dating, yeah.
It's like you chase him for so long, now he likes you, and now you're like, yeah, I'm over you.
That's pretty fun.
Some Proud Boys showed up I haven't seen in a while.
A couple of Mikes.
Oh yeah, fuck.
And they were doing nose beers and drinking.
I don't think people in the media realize the insurmountable amount of cocaine that the Proud Boys do.
Yeah, we literally need it really is for all the racism that is discussed in the white nationalism.
It's people against cocaine who should hate them.
Like at we went to a house party at West Fest in Vegas.
There was a mirror.
I'm not going to exaggerate.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
This big.
It was on the pool table.
It was over the pool table.
You couldn't play pool.
What?
It was like overlaid.
There was hanging edges of the mirror.
Yes, it was bigger than the pool table.
And I would say there was $1,200 worth of coke on it.
Yeah.
Like there was separate stations of lines.
I've never seen an amount where I'm like, I've never actually said I'm good.
There's never been enough around for me to be like, I'm good.
Oh yeah, it's weird.
It's weird walking by cocaine.
Like, nah, no thanks.
It's like walking by a Victoria's Secret model diddling her bean and you're just like, okay, enjoy yourself.
Don't make a mess, please.
Don't go squirting on my nice rug.
I was Karen-ing the guys.
I was like, that's probably enough.
You should stop.
Guys, wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
They all got COVID because they were sharing the same straw.
That whole house was fucking drenched in COVID.
You gotta use your own bills.
But yeah, white nationalism comes up 0.0001% of the time.
Cocaine comes up 46% of the time.
Yeah.
I'll never forget.
Proud Boys do hurt minorities though.
My septum was pretty ached afterwards.
They hurt minority septums.
I'll never forget that.
Remember that douche?
Was it last year?
Who... Because, like, a lot of Proud Boys live in major cities like New York City, Montreal, whatever.
They have some street smarts.
But a lot of them are Midwesterners who haven't been around prostitutes or even black people, for example.
So they're in Vegas and they're in nice guy mode.
They're almost like Swedes.
Yeah, Midwesterners are Swedish in many ways.
So they're gambling and whatever and these black women, total pieces of trash, start hitting on them.
And instead of their spidey senses, you know, crawling up, they go, damn, those girls like me.
I must be handsome as shit.
I'm a Vegas tan.
Girls don't usually crawl all over me like this.
So he invites them back to the room.
'Cause they think he's so hot and sexy.
He's a fat piece of shit, by the way.
He's uglier than me.
He's shorter and fatter than me. - Great guy though.
No, he's not.
He's an asshole.
If I had any druthers, I would have had him kicked out.
I hung out with him the whole time.
I felt bad he was disenfranchised and... Yeah, no one would speak to him.
Yeah.
Yeah, well you do that.
You hang out with detritus.
You're... Detritus.
You hang out with insects.
So, uh... He brings the girls up to the room, and what do they do?
One of them's making out, the other goes through everyone's wallet.
And what do you have in Vegas?
You have cash.
So, the maker-outer distracted our fat friend, and the other girl stole $1,500 cash from the various passed-out Proud Boys.
They made a run for it.
That happened the previous year with the now-deceased Levi Romero, and they didn't get any money, and as they were running away, he threw a beer at them down the hallway and hit them in the head.
Oh yeah, that's right.
That's how you do it to prostitute scammers.
But these guys were not savvy.
I see the guy by the pool the next day, and I hear the story I just told you, and he's like, yeah man, it's fucked up.
And I was like, you fucking idiot.
And I had just been in the pool, so my bare feet were out.
And my toenail was like, you know, old and crusty and broken in the middle or something, the way real men's toenails are.
And he's like, oh shit.
Damn, that's pretty banged up.
I can see why you, no wonder you hate flip flops.
And I was like, hold on a second.
Your naivete just lost your fellow, your brother's $1,500 and you're complaining about my fucking toenails?
You're dead to me.
You don't exist.
Fuck off.
I didn't know the toenails thing.
Imagine noticing a man's toenail.
I think the noble thing to do after you do something like that and you get your friends robbed is to stand up on top of the hotel you're in and say, sorry guys!
And then jump off to your death.
He watched my stuff for me when I was in the pool.
I was nice to him.
Oh, okay.
So he made up for it.
Yes.
What stuff?
Your GoPro?
Yeah, my GoPro, phone.
I can't wait till I'm king of the world.
There's so many things we're going to implement.
There's going to be landfills full of flip-flops.
Landfills.
So, yeah, let's let's start the show, right?
Shall we start the show?
I wasn't prepared for it, but we can absolutely start the show.
We can start the show.
Let's get started.
We've got two hours with you clowns.
We're gonna do what we call starting the show.
A monster truck's gonna come from this side.
It's gonna go that way.
Trump is going to appear here on an eagle wave, and it's going to say three, two, one.
Let's get ready for the run time!
That was fun.
It has started.
It has begun.
What did you do today, Ryguy?
I guess I'm here.
I am not starting the show after this.
Start the show.
Did a little swim lessons with uh... Well, not lessons.
With your idiotic baby that sucks.
She rules.
She's a loser, dude.
Literally the best baby in the whole world.
How many friends does your daughter have?
None.
Two.
Mom and dad don't count.
Name one friend your baby has.
Zero.
Exactly.
Your baby's not popular because she's a idiot.
Look at that.
That's so stupid.
She likes water, but she's afraid of it too.
Like why wouldn't, I don't know.
Why would, why'd you shave her head too?
She's bald.
She's young.
So your daughter's bald.
So she's a loser.
She has no friends and she's bald.
She has plenty of friends.
There is a tuft of hair.
It's fuzzy, but it's there.
Is she in a band?
She's a beard vet.
No, she's not in a band.
She's a loser.
I played a guitar today.
You know who is in a band?
Mick Jagger.
He's cool.
Your daughter's no Mick Jagger.
Didn't Mick Jagger just relapse?
Steve Tyler of Aerosmith just relapsed.
Oh really?
Too bad I didn't care-lapse.
Carosmith.
I saw some headline in the New York Post and it said, Johnny Depp did cocaine with the guitarist from Aerosmith.
Wait, what?
Isn't that illegal?
The headline, a headline that would grab me would say, Johnny Depp didn't do cocaine with the guitarist from Aerosmith.
I'd go, what the fuck?
Why not?
What happened?
Was he hungover?
Did he just have a nosebleed?
What?
Why wouldn't you?
So, Steve Perry or Steven Tyler relapsed?
Yeah, he checked himself into rehab because he did some no-no stuff.
That's gay.
Isn't that gay?
It's gay to be a rock star and not dabble a little bit, I think.
You know what's crazy?
I remember back when Obama was president and Joe Biden was vice president and a guy named Hunter Biden that no one had heard of was caught doing cocaine.
And I tweeted out, that's how long back we're going, I tweeted out, I'm not sure I want to live in a country where the vice president's son doesn't do cocaine.
Yeah.
This was like 2004.
Good point, man.
Oh, Tim Pool's here.
Yeah, a lot of evidence came out, and guess what?
The corrupt Democrats tried to hide it.
Disgusting.
Tim, why don't you have a girlfriend?
I actually do have a girlfriend.
Yep.
Okay, well, why don't you marry and make babies?
You got good money.
We saw your studio.
It looks awesome.
Thanks.
Yeah, no, we're thinking about it right now, but we just... Thinking about it?
What are you thinking about?
Getting a boner?
Well, there's Gavin for you, but no, no, we're extending the chicken coop.
See, we have like a chicken city, right?
And so we're live-streaming it, and so you can send super chats to the chickens.
I'm asking you, why don't you breed?
That's all that matters.
Well, the chickens breed.
It matters a lot more than chickens.
The chickens breed, and they give us ether.
No, no, I'm not talking about chickens.
Don't change the subject to chickens.
For eggs.
Make babies.
Get married.
Make babies.
That's all that matters.
The only thing that exists in the world is babies.
You're dead.
Here's something I want to say to you single people.
Louis C.K.
used to joke about it.
He's like, you could die.
No one would care.
You're not alive.
You're dead.
Now, I'm not saying your life sucks.
But you're not born.
It can't suck if it doesn't be.
Yeah, until you get married and have kids, you're a larvae.
And there's nothing wrong with being a larvae, that's fine.
But just know you haven't begun.
I actually, I look back on my larvae years as awesome.
Good stuff.
Lots of partying, lots of funny shit.
It was cool.
But then you have kids and you go, oh, OK, this is what it is.
It's like this theory I had a few years ago where I was like, maybe we're in heaven now and being born is dying.
So when you're a sperm, you're a useless nothing.
And then you.
Get life, and that's heaven.
Just like, like right now, we can't imagine what heaven is.
It's not sitting on a cloud playing a harp in a dress.
It's much bigger than that.
It's unimaginable, right?
The same way a sperm can't conceive of this, we can't conceive of heaven.
So maybe this is heaven, and we're dead.
And then within that paradigm, Before you have children, you're just a silly little thing swimming around like a sperm.
Yeah.
No, I totally agree.
And then you have kids and you go, Oh, and it's, it's funny too.
Cause I remember Lauren Southern talking about this one.
She said, you know, studies say that people who have kids are less happy.
And it's true, but the problem is the definition of happiness becomes so much more broad.
Like, NFL players are disappointed with their performance.
I bet you guys in the NFL are much less content and much more dissatisfied with their performance at football than I am.
I'm perfectly content with how good I am at football.
I think I'm just great.
And I obviously suck.
Because I'm not in that level.
But you talk to like a master penis, like the one in my pants, and they are like, oh, I suck on my fucking scales.
I really got to get going on those.
You know?
Yeah.
So you're only as happy as your least happy child, but you're in a new universe of joy when you have kids.
Yeah, when you have chickens, like you said- No, not chickens.
Chickens, I think, are the dumbest animal in history.
Oh, you said children.
Okay.
Sorry.
Chickens.
Honestly- I think even vegetarians can eat chickens.
They're really just plants.
You shouldn't eat a monkey.
That's fucked up.
You shouldn't eat a labradoodle.
But a chicken?
It's just a plant with eyes.
Or a cow?
It's just really a hill with legs.
Gavin, it's integral, not intregal.
You sound like a dummy.
Intregal.
Maybe it's a British thing?
I do have some strange carryovers from the various nations I've lived in.
Centrifugal?
Aluminium?
Feral you guys say feral I guess By the way in order to super chat of course many of you guys already know this but if you're new to this You would click the top banner watch live you would be clicking the watch live thing and then below it There's a little button that says donate to read message on air If you're logged in Uh, I gotta confess, I'm worried that the show in Orlando is gonna sell out.
And you're not gonna get a chance to hang out with us.
It's going to be insanely fun.
June 25th.
The venue will be released the day of.
Uh, so get a- Here's a clue, it's central Orlando.
It's nowhere weird.
It's not gonna be like out by the airport or some shit.
So, uh, get your tickets now.
It's me doing stand-up comedy, Kumi doing stand-up comedy.
We're not gonna show it on Censored.TV.
Ryan's gonna be up there doing his various guys.
And then, when we're done, we're gonna have, like, a Kill Tony type of thing with a table, and we're gonna record a podcast.
A talk show.
And then, on top of that, We have like a meet-and-greet with the selfies and the hangout and the beer and the talking and that's gonna have more than just me and Anthony and Josh Denny.
We'll probably have Josh LaCasse there, Jim Goad, AIU might stop by.
We're gonna have all the greats hanging out.
So that the VIP meet-and-greet is sold out but Yesterday we changed the room and now we added 50 tickets, so it's now unsold out sick It was a hundred tickets we sold I think for the meet-and-greet so now there's 150 tickets 150 people that can meet and greet hang out It's going to be a very fun time.
Yeah, can't wait.
Josh had a really good idea.
He just wanted to go on stage with me, with Ryan Katzu Rivera, sorry.
And just bomb.
And just completely embarrass himself.
Josh who?
Josh LaCashe.
No.
Okay.
So there's that.
So there's that.
Sorry Josh.
There's that minor detail.
You can come.
Feel free to attend though.
Johnny Apple CBD.
Ah, next sponsor on the list.
What do they have available at their site?
Limitless CBD products.
CBD is a way for you to legally get the magic of hemp without any of the illegal stuff.
You can even get high.
The Delta 5 shit gets you fucking baked.
Delta 8, my dude.
Delta 8, sorry.
Delta 5 is a punk band from Leeds.
The Vape Pen.
Ryan's a big fan of.
I'm not a big vaper.
I like the tincture in my coffee.
Takes the edge off the caffeine.
Prolongs the buzz.
Sort of like putting butter in it.
Ever try that?
Butter and coffee?
The topical cream is great for aching muscles.
Do they still have the cookies?
No more.
No more cookies.
And the gummies.
They were really good though.
The gummies are magical.
The gummies taste good.
They have that weedy taste.
I gave a gummy to my dog.
He's stressed out because we got a rabbit and he feels like he's second best.
You know why?
Because he's second best.
Ouch.
Yeah, I love him less now.
You're right.
By the way, when you're a kid and your parents have a baby and you're freaked out, you're right.
There's less love to go around.
It's just been diluted.
I remember when my second son was born, I told my daughter who was two, I go, we got you a baby.
And she loved it.
She was so happy.
And then that night she goes, I want the baby in my crib tonight, please.
And I go, uh, I didn't want my new baby to die.
So I said, uh, that's probably not, we're not going to do that.
And then I think it dawned on her, this motherfucker's lying to me.
This is bullshit.
It's another kid in the house.
It's not mine.
It's theirs.
And she was weird for 10 days.
And I think she was right to be weird.
That's what I always say to my daughter.
Trust your emotions.
They're valid.
Jealousy, anger, rage.
You may be petty or it might be something that you shouldn't act on, but you're right.
You're right, my dear.
Your anger is justified.
Anyway, Topical's great for aching muscles.
We've got the stem, what does that say?
Stem pods?
Stem 2 pods.
Stem 2 pods, isolates and wakes.
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Oh, here we go.
Yeah, I was kind of wondering what this in my hand right here is.
The Super Hemp.
I know it's good.
The ultimate blend of CBD, CBN, and HHC for a euphoric and buttery smooth experience.
The Delta 8, which I have right here with the skull and crossbones on it, because it gets you fudged up.
Yeah, it's a little intense.
I'm too old for Delta 8.
You're doing a Delta 8 right now?
Why don't you do it?
That'd be funny.
Okay, I've done it before.
It just makes me question everything I do.
I usually just, like, blast forward with my retardation, but then I just question it, so it's just less of me.
I think maybe you should question your retardation.
It'll be a weird show.
I mean, you did say, I love football, but I don't watch it.
That's true.
That's something that should probably be questioned.
Oh, you may have noticed we have no Sylvia and no Maddie today.
Sylvia's feeling under the weather, as many 79-year-olds do.
A lot of our mainstays have medical issues, like our severely handicapped crip daddy, Donovan.
Oh, okay.
Anything come out?
I don't want to be stoned for this show.
No, that's not Delta 8, I promise.
I wouldn't dose people.
That's fucked up.
I would not do that.
Legit.
Yeah, dosing someone?
That's fucked up.
That's one of the most- That's like stabbing- It's a rape.
That's rape.
And it's almost as invasive as rape.
More.
Because you can- Well, don't trivialize rape, you dummy.
I'm sorry.
But, yeah, if you slip someone LSD against their will, that's like sending them to outer space.
What a fu- That's one of the scariest, most evil, dark things you could possibly do.
Didn't Louis Gomez and the- Ari Shaffir did it.
Ari Shaffir did it to who?
To Burt Kreischer.
Ari Shaffir did it to Burt Kreischer?
I think it was Molly.
Really fucked up.
That's exactly as bad.
I don't think I would forgive that guy.
Dude, it was a big problem.
That's a friendship ender.
It was a big problem.
Yeah.
Brett should dump him.
Burt?
Burt should dump him.
And Brett.
Brett shouldn't be cool with that either.
You know what I would do?
If that happened to Burt, I would have Ernie kick the shit out of him.
Hey, Burt.
You dosed me on acid, Ernie.
I went to the cardiologist and he was like, this is done.
Really?
And he's like, hey man, you're getting a fatty liver.
I've never done Mollie.
Mollie's just pure ecstasy.
Yeah, I've never done Mollie.
It's way better.
I'm Joe Rogan.
What are you talking about?
That's my meme, dude.
Get the fuck out of here.
I don't think there's a drug Joe Rogan hasn't done.
I'm not exaggerating.
Definitely not heroin.
Definitely not meth.
He's definitely done heroin.
What?
Yes.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm completely talking out of my ass right now, by the way.
I thought so.
I'm actually doubting the words as they leave my lips.
So, you said on your show I did heroin, man.
Yeah, like East Coasters have done mass heroin, all ecstasy, but not like DMT.
West Coasters have done DMT.
Both coasts have done Special K, but West Coasters have never done crack.
Everyone on the East Coast has done crack.
Right?
Yeah, man.
A lot of people have.
Okay, let's read a letter and take a call and then go behind the paywall.
What do you think of that?
Sounds about right.
Alright, here's a letter I haven't vetted yet.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Hey, gook who plays with hair too much, that's a racist insult directed towards you, Ryan.
That's crazy, man.
It's accurate because you do play with your hair too much, but the word gook is a racial epithet.
Well, yeah.
So, that's hurtful.
Wow.
And then he says, and I believe he's coming at me next with, and cheap-ass motherfucking Scotsman.
Not so bad.
I am a cheap ass.
You don't have to show the attachment, but please watch it.
I really don't give a damn if you do show it though.
I owe you for convincing me during COVID to say screw it, go for it, have another kid.
This is the result.
My third child and first child playing together with whatever is in front of them, this time a box, calms me down and makes me happier than anything after a 14-hour workday in construction.
I don't know why my wife gets the bed.
Mommy's bed.
It's also daddy's bed, you assholes.
It hustles me the second I get home, and I love it.
Yeah.
I remember when my kids were four and two, there was like, let's fight on mommy's bed.
I don't know why my wife gets the bed.
Mommy's bed.
It's also daddy's bed, you assholes.
But I would fight them.
And obviously, I'm not trying my hardest with a deal in the foil, but you have to kind of let them get a leg up where they sort of get you down.
And then once they get you down, they just pile drive you and jump on you.
And it's fun.
Can't do it anymore.
My son is six feet tall.
And then he says, P.S.
Ryan, you're a great dad.
Oh, thanks.
And maybe husband, according to social media.
Keep it up, bro.
Thank you, bro.
You as well.
How do you know he's a great dad?
He could beat the shit out of those two things after the movie's over.
There was so much there that was very offensive, and I apologize for it.
Another letter here.
Hey, G-Dog.
Amber Heard's team said she did coke with Ryan, Maddie, and Syl.
You weren't invited because she said you said you will never see my hemorrhoid-riddled sexy ass again.
She claims that you turned up to her house expecting a meal and then proceeded to make fun of her in Johnny's new sunglasses.
What a complete total and a waste of time.
This man, Jamie Pennyquick, sends us about 37 emails a day.
I should probably.
Some of them were good though.
He lays the five bricks.
One time I took a screen grab of all of his emails and there was like one a minute and I go, get a life.
I like when you were attending the mailbag.
By the way, I need some more mail for Tim Poole's thing.
Can we ask people?
Okay.
Hello everyone.
Celebrity mailbag this week is Tim Poole.
So if you have any questions for Tim Poole, send them to Mailbag.
One word at censored.tv.
Subject mailbag?
I mean, celeb mail.
We have a Canadian Baby Monster sending us a True Dope.
Latest, he says, right-wing terrorism is on the rise in Canada.
What a moron.
I honestly, I'm so vain.
I think he's doing all this because I make fun of him too much.
That the world is changing rapidly and getting more dangerous in new ways than ever before.
When we look at the prevalence of misinformation, of disinformation, the way social media has been weaponized both by foreign actors and by people within Canada pushing extremist views, trying to foment anger and discord.
Whether it's extremist ideology and right-wing terrorism on the rise in Canada or whether it's examples like the illegal protests we saw in the winter.
There are a whole new set of challenges that we need to be responding to and that's why we're working closely with I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!
with organizations like the Canadian Security - How the fuck you're talking about? - Communications to make sure that we are able to respond to these new issues, new realities.
We need to do it, however, in a way that continues to defend freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom to protest, to legally protest, while at the same time we're taking on more tools to keep Canadians safe, 'cause increasingly Shut up!
Shut your mouth!
Well, it sounds like we should, um... I guess he meant Discord?
Right?
He mispronounced Discord.
Huh.
Alright, let's, uh, let's take, which means, by the way, a lack of agreement or harmony, uh, between person, things, or ideas.
Active quarreling.
I forgot, that's what Discord means.
Uh, dude.
Yup.
Let's take a call.
Alright.
You are on the air.
Um, we need to have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye-bye!
Alright, next call.
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye!
Frankly, you've got- Frankly!
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye!
You go full volume with that, huh?
Frankly!
Bye-bye!
That's Pee-Wee Trump.
Frankly for too long!
That's the word of the day.
That's the one impression you could do, I mean, literally a thousand times better than me.
What, Pee-Wee?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm thinking about having a Pee-Wee museum where I'll have chronically famous Pee-Wees throughout history.
Ah!
That's perfect.
I don't even want to do it, I would embarrass myself.
And I've done it before, and frankly, it's not good.
Well, hello!
Can you do Pee-Wee Trump?
No.
What's Pee-Wee Trump?
Just be Pee-Wee, but say Trump.
Baby!
Ha!
You just gotta talk about how the numbers, you looked at the numbers, and frankly, they're... Yeah, I looked at the numbers, and frankly...
They're not adding up.
I don't know.
That wasn't too bad.
It's too hard.
It's hard doing mashups.
Do we have someone on the line?
Yes, we do.
I'm going to put the number on the bottom of the screen for those listening.
609, you're on the line.
Hello?
Hello, 609.
Mikey.
What'd you say?
Mikey.
Mikey!
Come on, man!
Mikey!
All right, question for you.
That's implicit.
Newly married, in our 20s, having fertility issues.
What do you do?
Are you putting it in the butt solely?
No, sir.
P to V. Okay, well, it's very simple, my friend.
Stop watching porn.
All you have to do to make a baby is never masturbate and never watch porn.
But I don't watch any, and I got a test done, and it's zero.
What?
You got a test done in what?
Zero.
And the count is zero.
What?
What does that mean?
Your sperm count is zero.
You have no sperm?
Yeah.
Wait, what could they inject?
Get over here, let me taste that.
Can we inject the, like, you know, I'm not even being facetious.
Could you take from the balls?
Maybe there's a problem with the delivery system?
That Chinese cop who was killed, he got his wife pregnant after he died via his balls.
Are you less fertile than a dead man?
How'd that happen?
You're less fertile than a dead chink?
That's a t-shirt.
Rest in peace.
Sorry, by the way, dead Chinese cop.
It just was a very funny way to say that, okay?
I apologize.
Wenjian Liu.
Dead Chinese man isn't as funny as the hard K. I'm sorry.
So I've never heard of this.
So your sperm count is zero.
You have no sperm.
What are you?
Maybe God hates you.
It's possible.
Yeah, are you evil?
Maybe you're not meant to procreate.
Yeah, do you have horns?
Are you red?
Do you have a pointy tail and hooves?
Do you like when people sin and show their inner darkness?
Do you like Black Sabbath at all?
Do you eat children?
I don't understand, so what comes out of your penis when you ejaculate?
Well, so sperm, that's the seed.
Oh yeah.
So if I would, if you were to jizz on my microscope, I would just see like the fluid.
There'd be no swimmers.
Yeah, yep.
I don't think that's a microscope.
Well, why the fuck are you calling me?
What am I gonna do?
Do you think that I do the voodoo?
Do you think I have the juju?
Okay, I will burn... What we do is we burn a bat's eyes in the middle of the night.
Then we bury that with the plantation beans from the Ugu plant.
And then your sperm count will be...
A million billion!
And then they eat my poo-poo!
And they were eating the poo-poo all over the place.
First we lay you down in a bed of straw.
What I was saying was, you know, you always talk about how it's the most fulfilling thing you can do.
So what I'm saying is like, if that's not a possibility, how does one cope?
Adopt!
Yeah, get yourself a black kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is that unrealistic?
I know four people who have adopted kids.
What?
I didn't say adopt an 18 year old.
What?
Well, if they're brand new.
There's so much baggage involved in adoption.
I didn't say adopt an 18-year-old.
Don't get a rescue.
Adopt a baby.
I don't know, man.
I know, man.
Adopt.
Get yourself a negro.
Is this Jazz Jennings' wife?
Anyway, we gotta go.
Thanks for calling.
Sorry, sir.
Alright, that I think was a good taste of the variety of superchats, which I don't see one there, phone calls, and mail.
We mentioned our sponsors.
I do Need of Fashions every second week, but I believe I mentioned them last week.
Don't hesitate to go to needoffashions.com.
Make sure you mention my name and you'll get a good deal.
It's for cheap, rich people like me.
They make all my suits.
And that is it for the freebies.
I would like to apologize for the racial epithets I said on this show.
That's not who I am.
It's not what this network is.
And if I'm not fired and I'm here tomorrow, that'll be a good thing.
But on the off chance this is my last show ever for saying the word chink, I want to say I am sorry and I fucked up.
I know this isn't what you want and I'm sorry.
So get fired, which I'm about to be.
Get in trouble, be brave, und never stop in die Faischen schnufen.
Fuck that guy at the gym that won't start looking at me when I piss.
And fuck the kids on the sidewalk that laugh at me when I fall over and...
Fuck that old lady that gives me that fucking stink eye.
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