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May 6, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
52:39
GOML LIVE #147 - COPS AND CRIMINALS (Part 1)

We bring a cop and a criminal on the show to try to understand why they're so similar.

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Time Text
That is one of the craziest songs in the fucking world.
That is HR Human Rights is his name.
And he's singing Don't Blow No Bubbles, which is an anti-gay diatribe, really.
I think HR is gay.
He once broke in allegedly to his record label's headquarters in drag with a gun and a paper bag and a skirt and high-heel shoes.
And go back to the picture of this.
You can see who I'm talking about.
This is what I'm told, this guy there in the middle.
And he said, I need my check.
And they're like, dude, we sent you your check.
Just like Vin Diesel the other day.
Like, you get your check through the, we're not holding your check.
And then he starts prancing around, allegedly going, now everybody's going to know.
Now everybody's going to know.
So I think he's a gay.
But they were a pretty anti-gay group because they're Rastafarians.
And the Jamaicans are not big on menstrual cycles and homosexuals.
I think we all hate one of those things.
And so when the Bad Brains stayed at the Big Boys house in Texas, Big Boys were a really cool, gay hardcore band.
They wrote Blood Clot Faggot on their home.
And I interviewed Daryl Jennifer, the bassist from the band, or guitarist, I don't know.
I said, what was going on with that?
And he said, HR is a very creative motherfucker.
He's a very creative individual.
Okay, that's actually a good answer, isn't it?
And I was reminded of that song.
So that song, Don't Blow No Bubbles, has lyrics like, Don't Blow No Bubbles, meaning don't suck off the monkey bubbles, because he was under the impression that Michael Jackson was filleting his pet monkey, sucking his little weird monkey dick, which I didn't know you could do.
Can you do that?
Don't look at me.
I gotta try that.
That's on my bucket list.
That's on my fuck it list.
Fuck a monkey.
But also in that song, he says, don't blow no spikes, which is, as Matty would know, spikes is...
Hypedermic needle?
No, no hypes.
No pipes.
No pipes.
So hypodermic needles.
So you're not allowed to do that.
And he's saying, it's the way you can't stop the AIDS.
So don't blow monkeys.
Don't be gay is the subtext.
Don't have intravenous drug use.
And then he says, ask Ja and he'll make the change, meaning pray to your God and he'll help you be un-gay.
Well, that makes sense now because at first they thought AIDS came from guys fucking monkeys.
Oh yeah.
And maybe it was like HR got that confused.
Yeah.
And he was like, it came from gays regularly fucking monkeys.
Well, people.
I don't know if they were.
Is that make you gay if you fuck a monkey?
A guy monkey.
That's bestiality.
I've fucked a lot of animals in my time.
But I pull up the clip of Cheryl Crowell.
I'll get to introducing the show in a second here, but I'm still talking about the intro song.
She's fucking 60, dude.
More like 60.
Out of plastic surgery.
If my wife looked like that at 60, I'm going to fuck her.
Right in the vagina.
There you go.
Mark my words.
I marked them down.
If my wife looks like that in 15 years, she's getting laid.
That's Cheryl Crow?
Yeah.
It looks nothing like her.
Okay, then I hereby condone plastic surgery starting now.
Anyway, click of the thing.
She's the biggest pop star in the world.
Watching Amos and Andy, and then the chimpanzee is there in the room with you.
In order to discipline the chimpanzee, he starts poking with a pen in the chest.
You mean a chimpanzee?
No, it's like a kind of a fruity chimp.
A chimpanzee.
A chanpan.
A chimpanzee.
Yeah.
Look up the pronunciation of that.
That can't be right.
A chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?
And you know, Howard Stern is pretending to be an animal rights dude because the person who sucks his dick is obsessed with animal rights.
So he's pretending that he gives a fuck about a monkey from 100 years ago.
Dude, she's had a lot of work.
My self-control, not doing racist jokes right now, is I deserve a purple heart.
Chimpanzee.
Yeah, chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee.
I would even give the Z a little more oomph.
Like the Tapan Z bridge.
Now I'm forgetting.
He fucked my head up.
Now I don't even know how to say it.
Chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee.
What did she say?
Chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee.
Doesn't sound right.
Chimpanzee.
It's like my parents called TPs Tepees.
Tattoos, Tattoos.
Chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee.
No, that's a major bridge that gets you to Nyack.
The Tapanzee.
The Tapanzee-ass bridge.
Anyway, go back to this fucking.
Chimpanzee.
Yeah, that's it.
It's chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee.
Howard Stern.
If you love chimpanzee so much, how come you've never said the word before?
Go ahead.
By that, that he was poking this poor little chimpanzee in the chest with a pen.
You must have been appalled.
Well, this poor little chimpanzee that could have picked him up and thrown him out the window.
No, she's using his pronunciation to not seem rude.
Because she doesn't want to seem dumb.
So she's like, wow, his wife's an animal rights person.
That must be how you say it.
Chimpanzee.
What's next, Albinos?
I ripped his face off.
I ripped his face off.
Right.
I'm just trying to like, I'm just trying to like stay in my body because Michael's laughing at Amos and Andy and throwing popcorn and poking bubbles in the chest.
And I'm just this, you know, girl who just moved to L.A. seven months ago, who used to be a school teacher.
You're sitting there with Michael Jackson, the biggest pop star in the world.
Anyway, don't blow your monkey.
Don't blow no bubbles.
It's the way you can stop the AIDS.
Let's start the show.
Welcome to Get Off My Lawn Live.
We are here with Maddie O'Dell, the co-host.
What's up, everybody?
Good to be seen.
Good to be here.
He just finished a fantastic Maddie's shitty little kitchen where he made scotch pies.
Yeah.
Which we're doing.
Everyone enjoys that as much as I did making them.
A little heavy on the pepper, but.
White pepper next time.
White pepper.
Just a sprinkle.
And we have a special guest.
Sylvia is not back.
There's Tim Dickman, retired state trooper.
He has had a severe accident, road accident, so he can't really speak.
Hello, everybody.
It's pretty good having me here.
Happy to be here.
Yeah, see?
He's brain damaged.
He can't talk correctly.
We did our thing where we said, hey, can you guys send us high-vis tees?
Dude, we're drowning in high-vis tees now.
That's what we're all wearing.
I'm going to send you guys a high-vis tee for sending it to us.
We got a lot from Illuma Wood.
What do we got here?
Look at all our awesome high-vis tees.
Safety first from Bon Giorno Construction Injury Lawyers.
They sound like ambulance chasers.
We got construction.
It's Bongiorno.
Central paving.
We got fucking safety, productivity, quality over at Rico.
We got more central paving, more central paving.
When you guys sent me these, you didn't tell me what size you want in return.
Classic Illuma wood covers.
I don't know what Illuma wood is.
I assume it's a combination of aluminum and wood.
They're getting free advertising here.
Look how cool their merch is, though.
They build.
There you go.
Build it and they will come.
What does yours say, Ryan?
Skate or die?
Pave or die?
Shade or die?
Shade or die.
That's the winner there.
I'm taking it.
True guns.
Royalty Electric, of course.
It's electric.
And then some people just like bought a shirt.
Like, I got this Pepsi sweatshirt.
It still has the tag on it.
Yeah, it's for the high-vis drivers when they're delivering.
I picked up my son from baseball today, and I go, I got all my high-viz teas.
They're all your size.
You're a large.
And he's like, you look like, you look ridiculous in that thing.
And I'm like, dude, we live in a wealthy neighborhood.
The only concern the neighbors, the parents at your school have is that you join the old boys club, not you per se, but their kids.
And don't dilute the brand.
Don't fucking marry a working class person.
Stay upper middle class.
Don't learn a trade.
Don't blow it for us.
They don't want their daughters to marry the top plumber in New York State who, by the way, earns...
If you work for the city like Giuliani or, sorry, Eric Adams, and you're a plumber, you're looking at $300,000 a year.
They'd much rather they marry a guy in finance who makes $100,000 a year because he's part of that echelon.
So you wearing these shirts would be revolutionary.
But you can't fucking talk to kids.
No.
You both have teenage boys.
Well, your teenage boy's 10 years past teenagehood.
He's 26.
He'll be 27 in August.
But Tim, you have a teenage son.
Yep.
Does he like you?
He's starting to like me.
You got to hold the mic closer.
Hold the mic like it's the rock's dick.
But he didn't like you for the past three years.
He hated me.
So when did the hate start?
13?
Oh, hate started right at high school.
So like, yeah, 14 maybe?
Yeah, that's what I got.
Yep.
You know, I had to start disciplining them.
Right.
Well, it becomes an adversarial relationship, which I assume you guys are cops and criminals, which I assume is like a cop-criminal dynamic where you're like, don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you, but we're not friends.
I don't know.
I'm not relaxing on your watch.
I mean, discipline is a good word, but you start to hold them more accountable for their actions as a person.
And then with their accountability or lack thereof, then you got to discipline.
Well, I'm also at zero tolerance.
Like, he comes downstairs last night.
He goes, the laundry room is behind GavzTav, my home bar.
And I said to them, no more fucking laundry.
You can do laundry once a week.
I do a laundry once a month.
I have a million pairs of socks and underwear, and I wear the same outer shirts, you know, a lot.
So, you know, if you're not working on a farm, you don't need to do laundry.
So I go, you can do laundry once a week.
Because what these fuckers do is they have their favorite pants.
So they just wash the pants and then dry the pants.
And our con ed bill was, it's not, it was 30 bucks a day this month, but previously it was 50 bucks a day.
So no, we're stopping.
So I catch him outside GazTav last night.
And I'm like, what's going on?
He goes, doing a laundry.
Like everything I say is the stupidest thing in the world.
Like, where's Africa?
It's the whole fucking continent, dude.
It's like below Europe.
Like, get it together.
So I'm not asking that.
I'm saying, what are you doing?
And he goes, I'm doing laundry.
I got to wear khakis for baseball.
Okay.
Well, you seem to have quite a load there.
What?
I had outlawed washing your clothes too much.
So he had stacked up his pile with clean clothes.
And I go, what the fuck are these?
They're my wife's Lululemons.
What are these doing in the pile?
He goes, oh, no.
She left them on my floor.
First of all, it's not she.
Yeah.
It's mom.
Don't call her she.
And a cat.
Are you doing your mother's laundry now?
Or are you fluffing up?
I mean, I kind of appreciate it because it shows that he's going to become a hustler and fuck over the IRS one day.
That's good.
But I'm the IRS in this house.
So show me the stain on your pants and we'll scrub that out.
The IRS, irate, retarded Scottishman?
Well, the irony is the stain on his pants is actually impossible to get.
It was a menstrual stain.
Ew.
Because my son is trans.
Oh, I see.
He was born female.
Oh.
Yeah.
Did not know that.
I never told you that.
No, it's a good transition.
Yeah, we didn't get top surgery.
He straps his breast.
Huge bench.
He has huge tits.
Oh, geez.
Big fucking tits.
So he uses duct tape and polyurethane.
Oh.
So he gets rashes.
I would imagine.
Yeah, there's so much plastic under his head.
Can't breathe.
Yeah.
The skin.
It's the new corset.
So, as you know, we take calls, we promote our sponsors on these shows.
I don't have a sponsors list, by the way.
Yeah, I messaged our guy and I said, hey, FOP, FOP Metals.
FOP Metal.
Fop Metal, selling silver.
So we do the first part of the show free, and then we just take calls.
We do a live chat, and we answer emails.
And you obviously can ask a cop or a criminal.
I want to bring back our game show today, cop or a criminal.
Let me just, for the first callers, let me just pull up a random text, right?
From either a cop or a criminal, and you have to decide who texted me, okay?
I'm going to have to go into Instagram for this particular one.
Okay?
And he says he's sending this cop or criminal is sending an article that says a 2021 F Freedom Information request revealed the CDC purchased cell phone location data to track citizens' movement and compliance.
And this person who sent me this added with the link, he added, this is fucked up.
These fuckers lied.
Okay?
So that's all I'm telling you.
And when callers call in, we'll try to decide if that's a cop or a criminal.
But before we get to any of that, I guess we have to discuss things that will be old news by tomorrow.
Madison Cawthorne has been doxxed for humping a guy's face.
And I'm glad you two are here, actually, because I have a feeling, coming from a European city like Montreal and Ottawa and Canada, European culture, you're going to be more offended by this than I am.
Ryan, can you play the first link where I say sorry, but this is funny?
So this is, they say, Madison Cawthorne is over now because of this.
One of the hairiest butt cracks I've ever seen.
Turn it up.
Someone added Benny Hill music.
So that's his friend there.
And as you know, his lower half doesn't work.
He seems to be dangling his penis, his presumably dead penis, on his friend's face.
You guys both come from very machismo cultures.
I've done this kind of shit one billion times.
In fact, Ryan, when we last did our, we do the state of the union with Censor TV where we meet the accountants and the tech guy and we all rent to a hotel room.
We go over all the paperwork and see what costs too much and what costs too little and what and we party and get wasted.
And I broke into our tech guy's room nude and slithered into bed with him and started grabbing him as he screamed hysterically.
I consider that to be top-notch humor.
The guy that was humping the other person's face was in the wheelchair?
No, that's Madison Cawthorne.
I don't know who that is.
He's a Republican congressional candidate.
What is he now?
He's a very prominent dude.
Maybe go up.
Click on him.
He's running for North Carolina.
Honored to serve as a congressman for North Carolina's 11th district.
Okay.
America First.
He's in a chair.
He can stand up with a bunch of harnesses.
But if it goes back to with Kavanaugh, they said, he fucking jumped on some naked people that were fucking, and he was nude.
He raped them.
And you're like, no, he funny.
Well, we don't know who the person underneath him is.
And why does it matter?
But again, who knows if it's consensual or not?
He says it was his cousin.
And he was making, it was a funny thing.
It's not.
Wait, are you arguing whether it's rape or not?
Whether it's funny or not.
Oh, it's funny as hell.
Yeah.
Imagine you're at your cousin's house or your friend's house, and he's a gimp.
And like Crip Daddy, if Crip Daddy, I was sleeping in a hotel, we shared a hotel room, and he started slithering over to me with his little praying mantis arms and rubbed his dick on my face, I would be laughing and punching him.
It would not be blackmail material.
No.
Like, you're not, it's not like the guy has a boner and he's going, oh, yeah.
It's not rape.
What do you think, Tim?
Ironically named Dick Man.
Who's the guy he's humping?
Just some random buddy, like a cousin or something.
And he has no problem with it?
He's laughing his head off.
Oh.
That's no problem.
I've done worse.
I've done worse today.
Dude, you know what I did today?
I came in here, the ladder that the ghetto blaster's on was in my way.
I said, what the fuck is this doing here?
I kicked it over, and then I pulled up my dick and I pissed on it.
And you were like, this is what I think of your ladder.
Pointing at it.
Yeah, I said, I hate your fucking ladder, and I pissed on it.
And then I decided to run out of the room and finish my piss in the bathroom.
And formally clean up the piss.
It's your ladder.
Come on.
We have a whole episode where I'm in the bath nude with Ryan, constantly rubbing my feet in his face, trying to make him uncomfortable.
And Ryan's cowering in the corner like...
Yeah, I did not like it.
I believe...
It's too much of indecency.
I believe it's in this bumper.
Dude, in the 80s.
Yeah, there it is.
That's me, nude.
Hey.
In the 80s, we used to pull out our dicks and just piss on guys.
I mean, our friends.
So what you do is you walk up to your buddy, you pull at your dick at a bush bash or something, and you start urinating on his pants, but you don't obviously tell him.
And you go, hey, man, I got to talk to you.
There's some weird shit going on with Brian.
Like, I feel like he's mad, but he's not showing it.
And then the guy's wondering why you're gossiping for the first time ever.
And then inevitably, you start cracking up and you go, I don't know why Brian is so mad.
And then he's like, why is this guy enjoying this story so much?
And then he looks down and goes, oh, for fuck's sake!
Because piss is body temperature.
So you don't feel it on your leg.
It's going from body to body.
I'm cracking up just talking about it.
A bush bash.
Bushbash.
Partying out in the woods.
It's the only way we could party in the suburbs.
I guess we should discuss.
We're 25 minutes in.
We haven't even discussed our sponsors yet who dominate the first quarter of the show.
Let's start with Beard Vet.
Like all of our sponsors, for some bizarre reason, they're all vets.
Cops, vets, and criminals seem to be the demographic of this show.
And Beard Vet provides two things.
Fantastic coffee, especially the brand we drink here at the studio, El Diablo, and beard grooming products.
Now, my beard's a little small for beard grooming products.
Whoa, look at this new view.
Hey now.
Wow.
It's not perfect.
Was Ryan actually?
Ryan, I said, I want it over your head.
I know.
I just got to get something to affix it to.
Yeah, young people, young people don't understand affixing things.
They don't understand like, get a stick and a clamp.
Like, they don't know what a vice is or a plumbing clamp.
But anyway, yeah, we drink the Diablo coffee.
It is a wild ride.
Very intense.
Gets you going.
I'm starting to think there's only like a couple drugs in the world.
Like, caffeine is fucking everywhere.
All that pre-workout shit is just caffeine and sugar.
Mountain Dew, Red Bulls, Fortune, all just caffeine.
Now, in the illegal world, there's opioids, there's heroin and cocaine, but that's basically it.
And caffeine is...
Don't forget my favorite.
Bobby P. Crystal Matt.
Lovely.
It's alarmingly common, especially in the South.
My drug of choice when I was able to party.
Yeah.
Not anymore.
No.
Advanced heart failure will put an end to that.
So Beard Vet does not endorse the consumption of amphetamine.
No, I don't endorse it either.
But they do endorse fantastic beard grooming products.
This is vet-owned, fantastic coffee.
Look, you're buying coffee anyway, right?
You have to buy coffee.
It's toilet paper.
It's a necessity.
It's something you need.
So you might as well buy it from our guys.
And I hereby officially vouch for it.
It's fantastic coffee.
So don't get your coffee from some giant corporation that is woke and has a Black Lives Matter mural outside their office in Daytona Beach, Florida.
Go to beardvet.com, enter the promo code Gavin, and get 15% off your next order of Beard Vet El Diablo coffee or the Beard Vet grooming ship, which is fantastic.
All right, should we start taking some calls?
Well, the other news item I feel like might be old news tomorrow.
Everyone wants us to talk about the Amber Heard trial more.
And I'm like, why?
Is this still going on?
Yeah.
And if you go to Daily Mail or New York Post, it's just fucking 17 articles about them.
And I mean, is there any mystery here?
One of the most famous, very handsome, 100 millionaire guys in the world dumps his wife because she starts showing her age.
He gets some young dumb bitch who's a retard, fucks her a bunch of times, instantly gets bored, as we all would if we pursued that route, and then goes, get her the fuck out of here, and now they're embroiled in legal shit.
I mean, every time they're talking about their fights, he would do heroin and then he'd get wasted and then he'd shit himself.
Or other times he would do speed and he'd hit me.
And I was like, yeah, I figured.
I figured that was going on.
Like, didn't this, as my wife said tonight, didn't this go on with Elizabeth Taylor and fucking what's the other guy's name?
Elizabeth Taylor and who was that guy?
Anyway, famous movie stars, we just assume that they're getting wasted and beating each other up.
I mean, Sean Connery would brag about how women need a good slap.
You got tons of money and nothing to do.
There's like three months in between movies.
You're fucking loaded.
It's LA.
You can't go walk to a pub and hang out with guys.
We all assumed you were spending your millions getting fucked up.
And when you spend your millions getting fucked up, you slap each other around.
It's a given.
I don't care.
I'm still trying to figure out why they're televising a civil suit.
I still don't understand.
Dude, it's on in my house, in my kitchen, on my wife's iPad.
It's just on all day.
Yeah, I don't get it.
It's like a civil suit.
Similar criminal trial.
So he's suing.
I guess we have, for the sake of our jobs, we have to talk about what's going on.
So she's suing.
He's suing her.
For like, what, 50 million?
Yeah, I guess.
And then she's counter-suing him because he made her unpopular and now she's not an Aquaman or maybe she isn't.
Oh, Jesus.
Like, do I have to get into the semantics of this?
I'm more interested in some fucking drug dealer who got caught selling Coke under the Manhattan Bridge.
But I thought that it was funny watching her act her head off because this is really all this is for them.
It's a movie.
Yeah.
They're acting in a movie.
They're in front of the cameras.
They're in front of the cameras.
And this is what they do.
Actors are retards.
They're empty vessels.
So you pour in a personality.
The reason he's so good and so successful is, besides the fact that he's handsome, is they go, okay, you're a pirate now.
And he's like, okay, I'll be Keith Richards.
Fine, I don't give a fuck.
Just be a pirate.
So then he's Keith Richards, and then that's his personality.
Or he hangs out with Shane McGowan, and then he's Mr. Irish guy.
Or he fucking hangs out with Hunter Thompson.
Now he's Mr. Drug Guy.
And then the Cherokee Nation broke.
Oh, yeah, Cherokee Nation.
He plays fucking Tonto.
So, you know, he's talking like a whole-chunk from Madison.
I never really lost that.
But I guess that's what happens.
You know, he got famous pretty young.
Like, he was in like Nightmare on Elm Street, the first movie.
Yeah.
And then he was on 21 Jump.
Like, he never had a normal life.
No, ever.
As an adult.
I was exploded into blood in that movie.
If you have a low IQ and you're handsome, or you have a low IQ and you're beautiful, which seems to be normal for chicks, invest in that person.
They're going to be rich.
Well, he's got to be worth, what, $300 million?
Yeah.
40, 45.
But go to, the thing I like about her on trial is, and I'm reluctantly doing this by popular demand, she talks to the entire courtroom.
So the lawyer will ask her a question.
Instead of staring at the lawyer and responding, she'll look around the room and try to say, at one point in this, she goes, I have a, yes, I have a baby sister.
I have a little sister.
I have an older sister, too.
I would imagine she's talking to the jury.
Yes.
I live in Yucca Valley, California.
Ooh, the high desert.
Pretty yucca to shit in somebody's bed, I'd say.
How old are you, Amber?
I am 36.
I just celebrated.
The other thing I don't get about this is we don't have any evidence for this shit.
So it's just two people that hate each other's guts saying bad shit about each other.
Yeah, they recorded each other back and forth.
Yeah, so that we'll talk about.
That should be in the trial.
But like the shitting in the bed, unless you have a DNA sample, I don't believe you.
Yeah, there's no proof of that.
And do you have a daughter?
How old was she when you did the movie with her?
She's 36 now.
So 26.
Oh, she tabbed his name.
Did you go to that movie?
I fucked her during that night.
Yep.
Very nice.
Many the talented Mr. Ripley, she pulled.
Oh, yeah.
I'm glad you brought that up.
I forgot about that.
I texted that to Ryan.
You didn't fuck her.
Well, I didn't say I literally put my penis in her vagina.
I fucked her, meaning that we walked down the street together for four minutes.
Well, it's not fucking, I remember.
On film.
How is that not fucking?
That's porn.
If that's fucking, then I fucked my aunt and fucking strangers.
Hey, well, then you've got some talking to do to the big guy upstairs because you are not going to heaven if you fucked your aunt.
In the Cherokee tribe, you'd be named the one who shits out of his mouth because you're diarrhea.
Falsities.
I don't know.
I have a twitch.
She didn't.
The only thing I know about Amber Heard with that thing when we did the movie was I told you this before, the paparazzi was everywhere, and she goes, yeah, they're here for me.
And I was like, who are you?
I looked on my phone and I saw a bunch of indie flicks.
And I was like, what?
You're in a bunch of shitty movies like the one we're in right now.
And then I found out later she's sucking Johnny Depp's dick.
And I wish I knew that because I could have said, I have a feeling this might not be the terrible indie films you've been in and the fact that you're sucking the most famous dick in the world.
And that dick is in the trial.
But yeah, as Tim points out, there's a moment in the trial where she's talking about how when you were with him and things were going well, the light would shine upon you.
But when things were going bad, you were a persona non-grata.
It's in the talented Mr. Ripley verbatim.
Oh my God.
Check your text, Ryan.
Plagiarism at its best at the trial.
That's what happens.
And that's what I love about actors like Matthew McConaughey.
They deliver these incredible speeches that are written by nerds who have been writing their whole lives and have finally mastered the craft of writing a speech, which is very tricky.
I don't have it in my text.
You've got to go hypothesis, conclusion, three supporting paragraphs.
There's got to be a good arc.
You better fucking not have this in your text.
I don't.
It's true.
Well, look up talented Mr. Ripley then.
Maybe I sent it to myself.
You've done that on occasion.
Yes, I sent it to you.
I sent it to myself on the floors of Tokyo Ho, down in London towns.
Go-Go.
Oh, here it is.
I think we got it here.
I found it.
I found it too.
I found it first.
Okay.
Quoting.
Like, even that fucking gay voice.
That's not your accent, dude.
Yes, it is.
All right, guys.
Now I would like to show you something you would not.
I can't listen to Europeans.
Okay, so.
All right, guys, we're going to be going through the Amazon talented Mr. Ripley plagiarism here, guys.
It's going to be totally cool.
And then later on, we're going to go to a rave.
She did quote.
We're going to be dancing and fucking totally partying, you guys, at the disco.
Do you like to go to the disco?
Every time people get hard on the blacks in America, I go, guys, I've been to places where whites have no blacks.
It's not utopia.
It's super corny.
They have blonde bangs like this, skin-tight, distressed denim, and they talk about going to the disco, you guys.
I sent it to you, Ryan.
Okay.
Or sorry, Johnny.
See, this is what happens when we try to cover news on the Thursday night shows.
Okay, here we go.
We neglect our sponsors.
Here he is.
What else to do?
And I stopped laughing, but I didn't know what else to do.
Wait.
Is that what I just sent you right now?
Well, he sent me this.
Yeah, she did say she didn't know what scene that was.
And in her opening monologue, she's literally quoting the talented Miss Ripley.
It's looking like she's taking things out of books and movies and making them about her.
So click on the first pick.
Tell him this really actual quotes from the movie.
The thing with John.
Oh, sorry.
This is her talking.
The thing with Johnny, it's like the sun shines on you and it's glorious.
And then he forgets you and it's very, very cold.
When you have his attention, you feel like you're the only person in the world.
That's why everybody loves him so much.
Okay, that sounds good.
And then move over to the next one.
The thing with Dickie, it's like the sun shines on you and it's glorious.
And then he forgets you and it's very, very cool.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
When you have his attention, you feel like you're the only person in the world.
That's why everybody loves him so much.
I mean, fucking Jesus.
Verbatim.
Not even the general concept.
Oh, my Lord.
That's like blowing her ear.
She needs a refill.
Go back to Amber acting her ass off in the first clip, Ryan.
Oh, here on Josh's thing.
He's got a clip of it posted up there.
Like, when I was around Johnny, I felt like the most beautiful person in the world.
You know, it made me feel seen.
It made me feel like a million dollars.
It felt like a dream.
It felt like absolute magic.
Okay, that's not the sun shining on you.
And then he would disappear.
And there'd be just no way to get a hold of him.
Wait, stop.
There's just no way to contact him.
Stop.
I know what the disappear is.
He goes to visit an old friend who's good at keeping her mouth shut.
She's a fat chick.
They do heroin together.
I'm guessing, by the way, but I feel good about this.
Tons of tattoos.
She's tattooed like her toes are tattooed.
And they go and they have a session.
Like three or four days of just smack and falling asleep and shitting themselves and cleaning up the shit and just like actually they don't shit because they're constipated.
I caught you, didn't I, Johnny?
I don't know what you're talking about.
And he leaves her like 2,000 bucks after he leaves to keep her mouth shut.
I don't know, maybe 10,000.
And then she gets more smack.
It's a wonder she's still alive.
She's a bartender in the East Village.
She was.
On St. Mark's.
I mean, I don't know.
Oh, you just who throws arrows in the dark and gets a bullseye.
Nostra Guinness strikes again.
Anyway, that's not what we're accusing her of.
I think this might be it.
Thing with Dickie.
It's like the sun shines on you and it's glorious.
And then he forgets you, and it's very, very cold.
So hunt, Lernick.
When you have his attention, you feel like you're the only person that works.
Everybody loves him.
But wait a minute.
Guys.
But they don't have hers.
This is not what Amber.
I don't have evidence of her saying.
She's saying that.
That's true.
Yeah, this is not evidence.
She didn't say.
So now we have an ill-prepared show, and now we look like assholes.
Well, we got to the bottom of it, but we debunked.
We're like snoops.
But go back to the clip I sent you where she's just like talking to the crowd.
She also celebrated her birthday recently.
She's one.
Okay.
We don't care.
What is your position?
So she's talking about her birthday, and then she says her daughter just celebrated her birthday, too.
She's one.
I'm a great person.
You should like me.
And vote in my favor.
I am an actor, mostly.
Mostly.
No.
Why are you here?
I am here because my ex-husband is suing me for an op-ed I wrote.
How do you feel about that?
What's the next link?
Actually, fuck the next link.
I'm done talking about this.
All right.
Let's start the show.
Oh, okay.
We want to start the show, and then we want to take calls.
I'm actually embarrassed that we spent so much time on that shit.
Amber Heard.
You heard?
Do we get rid of the freeloaders?
So now change the background to the males.
Oh, yeah.
Why not?
Telling you how to do your fucking job.
We have a new fancy one.
Look at this.
This says it's back to back.
When I was around, Johnny, I felt like the most beautiful person in the world.
The thing with Dickie, it's like the sun shines on you, and it's the same.
No, it's not the same.
And then he would disappear.
And there'd be just no way to get a hold of him.
There's no darkness and no light crap.
Yeah, that's not verbatim.
I was sitting here laughing my head off.
You can't copyright the idea of when a guy likes me, I feel good, and then he doesn't like me and I don't feel as good.
Sorry.
That's called relationships.
That's called Every Chick I Ever Fucked, by the way.
Wait, do we?
What a fucking dumb wild goose chase that was.
That was a lie.
I'm annoyed.
I'm not a grab a hole on that one.
I feel betrayed.
How do you feel, Tim?
I feel ashamed that I brought it up.
Yeah.
Oh, good point.
It's Tim's.
You should be more ashamed that you drink Michelob Ultra.
What is that?
You're trying to slim down?
Yep.
$94.
Why?
No one wants to fuck you.
You're married to one woman and she's not interested.
I felt worthless.
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
So she didn't quote the movie at all.
She quoted the general concept of rejection, which is like, yeah.
My wife brought that to me after she saw it on a TikTok.
Like it was.
Yeah, me.
Well, in your defense, I sent it to Ryan because I was like, holy shit, she's quoting movies.
No, there's a movie that said a guy likes me and he didn't like me.
And she said Johnny Depp liked me and then he didn't like me.
Anyway, this is the problem with covering fucking Amber Heard.
By the way, free speech.tv was an awesome URL.
I was very happy to get it.
And then we got sued or threatened to be sued by someone at the trademark.
They didn't own the site.
They own the trademark to FreeSpeech TV.
So we had to switch it to censored.tv.
I was not thrilled about that.
Censored is a weird word.
People spell it wrong all the time.
People think it's censor.tv, but or uncensored is another big mistake.
But serendipity, God is smiling down on me.
It's becoming like the most used word in the American vernacular.
Look at that.
Front page of the New York Post today.
Censored.
Conservatives instantly gained followers after Elon by proof of Twitter's secret shadow banning.
We also discovered today, by the way, that Soros, the Clintons, and Obama have been pressuring advertisers on Twitter to boycott Twitter if Elon buys in.
Because Joe Biden is not president.
Obama is president.
And Obama is pushing this misinformation shit because he wants to control the American conversation the same way Britain controls the British conversation with the BBC and the same way that Canada controls the Canadian conversation with the CBC and Justin's bizarre donations to random media companies.
That's pretty big.
We'll be discussing that tomorrow.
But we do have FOP medals.
We do have what?
Oh, FOP medals.
Yes.
You know, I keep saying to people, buy books.
Don't throw out your CDs.
Don't throw out your cassettes and buy hardcover books.
I have a book called When Harry Became Sally.
I just picked it up for like 10 bucks about 10 years ago.
And it is unavailable now.
Similarly, buy silver.
Look, I don't know shit about Bitcoin.
I'm not getting involved in that.
I'm too old to figure it out.
Silver is tangible.
Silver, I know.
Veteran-owned FOP medals have trust and transparency.
You know what you're getting.
You can hold on to it.
If the shit hits the fan, you're holding silver in your hand.
Go through that site, Ryan.
Let's see everything they have available.
No, not your homepage.
It's called God's Money.
Yeah.
I wish I met, was it Steve Forbes at Fox News once, and he was all about getting the Fed back to the gold standard.
That would be awesome.
That's what we need to do here because look at what Biden's doing, just printing infinite money.
And the problem with the death of math in education is young people, Zoomers and millennials go, I don't understand.
Just make, if you need money, just make another $100 bill.
T-notes.
They have the fucking, they have the capabilities.
If we're low on dough, just make more dough.
What could possibly be the problem?
Silver's up 3% today, too.
Oh, really?
Do you invest in silver?
Yeah, I have silver.
I have precious metals.
Oh, wow.
What about you, Tim?
Nope.
I got.
You do?
I do.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
To a guy who bought like a fucking ton of gold bars all over his house.
What'd you say?
I got a bunch.
And then Hollow.
Looks like a lie.
No, I do.
I have five pounds of silver.
I have a couple of ounces of it.
Where?
In coins, different coins.
We have a bullet that my wife wanted to get a bullet.
We went to a silver convention.
We went to like a coin convention.
That's where I got all this weird money.
I got this like Jewish money and Nigerian money.
Isn't all money Jewish money?
Hey.
Just kidding, FOP Metals.
Well, goodbye, FOP Metals.
This is our last ad with FOP Metals.
Yeah, another vet-owned company.
So use promo code Gavin when you go to FOPmetals.com.
By the way, if you're just hearing the audio here, it's a strange spelling.
P-H-A-U-P FOP.
P-H-A-U-Pmetals.com.
What's going on over there?
Oh.
I believe we do also.
I don't know if they're going to be down for this, but we want to mint a coin with them.
Oh, that would be fun.
So it says G-O-M-L on one side and then maybe a baby monster on the back, like the one that we have the shirt graphic for.
I want the URL gofuckyourself.com so badly.
I looked it up.
It's some message board for porn stars.
What about people who make porn?
It's called gfy.com.
Now, what if you add something to it?
They're not using gofuckyourself.com.
How about gofuckyourself loser?
No, no, that's not it.
Because I want when people ask me what I'm doing, I want to go, yeah, I do a site called gofuckyourself.com.
That is pretty good.
And they're like, okay, calm down, calm down.
No, you're not on Fox News anymore.
I'm not trying to start a fight.
Like, no, I'm not trying to start a fight either.
That's my site.
All right, can we take some calls?
Should we think so?
Check some mail.
Do we also have Johnny Apple CBD?
Are you sure we have Johnny Apple CBD?
All I know is I got an updated copy and we are to kind of update.
Now it's 15%.
So going back in time, if we've ever advertised 20%, it's 15%.
Okay, you've been wrong about virtually everything that's come out of your mouth.
I got some new emails from that.
Are you sure that we have johnnyapplecbd.com as a okay?
So, johnnyapplecbd.com.
They've been with us since day one.
And the variety on their site is shocking.
It's not just vape stuff.
It's not just the gummies.
By the way, the gummies have this weird shit in them.
You can get one particular, I think it's called the Delta, where you're baked.
Delta 8 gets you baked.
Delta 8.
That's how you remember.
Delta 8.
You're fucking stoned out of your mind.
Totally legally.
No THC whatsoever.
Everything is by the book.
And you're fucking high.
Take it at night.
Go for a nap.
Have the craziest dreams you've ever had.
Holy shit.
I just remembered that I was taking CBDs and I had a dream about Superman.
I dreamt a sketch.
Interesting.
You want to hear it?
Oh, please.
Okay.
I dreamt a comedy sketch on Johnny Apple CBD.
It's a woman in a car and it's coming from the sky.
And she's yelling at the passenger seat.
She's like, Superman, help!
Help!
Superman!
And then he catches the car and brings it down.
And then he's like, why the fuck was the car flying in the sky?
And she's like, oh, nothing.
And then they drive away.
There you go.
You don't prime a reason.
No, I can't explain it.
And then another one is: some guy, some kid is at his house and he has to eat octopus.
And he's like, Superman, hope, hope.
And Superman flies through their front of their.
I'm remembering, I dreamt this.
Well, you know, not really dream, like semi-awake.
He walks through the front of their house, destroys their bay window.
He goes up to the kid.
The kid spits out the shitty food in his mouth and he throws it down on the ground.
And Superman goes, That's fucking gross.
And then he flies out the hole he made.
And then the parents start hitting the kid because he fucked up the front of the house by calling for Superman.
So that's funny.
That's the kind of funny shit you come up with when you're on Johnny Apple CBDs at johnnyapple.com.
Promo code Gavin, 15% off.
Tincture to take the edge off.
What?
Hey, guys, good news.
It's 20% off.
So, wait a minute.
I have the read here.
That would mean you were wrong.
It's correct.
But I was correct about being wrong.
You were correct about being wrong.
That's a new one.
That gels with me.
That feels about right.
That's about the amount of responsibility.
I put a skull and crossbones on the Delta 8-1 because it gets you liddy.
And I don't partake in anything.
I don't smoke weed.
I barely drink.
If I'm at Doomerfest, I'll drink.
But here we go.
This is for.
And by the way, I've been taking a nighttime nootropic to try to get me to bed.
Now, they're expensive.
I'm going to try to go onto their.
It's called Nighttime Tincture, which will put you to sleep with CBN.
Not CBD, CBN.
And they have an HHC super hemp stem vape pen that's brand new.
And the tincture is CBN.
It's infused with CBD and a really powerful relaxant.
Am I the only guy dying of boredom right now?
It's just quality information.
Okay.
Let's go to the mailbag.
Thank you, Johnny Apple.
Actually, let's say goodbye to the freeloaders.
Yeah, they're gay.
So, guys, $10 a month, unlimited content.
You literally could not watch it all.
If you do watch it all, I'm worried about you because you're spending eight hours a day watching censored.tv.
You need to get a life.
But we don't just riff and joke about shit.
We cover all the top stories.
So when you're going to censored TV again every day, you're not missing out on anything.
The war in Ukraine, we hit all the top trending stories, but we also fuck around and have plenty of laughs.
And the beauty of it is that it's 100% woke-free.
There is no woke shit on this show ever.
In fact, it gets alarmingly racist at times.
Just kidding.
So if you want to talk, if you want us to talk to you the way you talk to your friends in bars, go to censored.tv, pay the price of, what, two beers a month?
And have unlimited quality content.
Maddie Odell alone, just one guy.
You get him at the live show on Thursday nights.
He also does his own show, Maddie's Shitty Little Kitchen, where in his tiny apartment, he makes incredibly elaborate dishes.
Oh, yeah.
We got Anthony Coomey and I.
We got Jim Gold on the site.
And we have Lotus.
She just posted a video for the first time in a long time.
Yep.
So we got bits.
If you're watching for free, there's a whole free shit section.
Yeah, we have a whole free shit segment you can send to your friends.
I think Katie Hopkins.
No, I know Katie Hopkins and Wayne Dupree are no more.
They're no longer more.
One of the reasons is this asshole demanded a raise.
I'm not giving him more of my money.
So I said, okay, I'll give you two new shows, and I'll cut out two shows.
So I cut those shows out.
And now he does Celebrity Mailbag, where he reads the mail as a person, a famous character.
Tomorrow's own Benjamin.
So right in.
He does Maddie's shitty little kitchen.
Yes.
We're very transparent on this.
So goodbye, you assholes.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave and never stop fighting.
And we'll fight without being so.
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