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April 18, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:34:26

S4E104 - COOL IS A MYTH

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	Utterly, utterly out of control.
	That one is cold, another religion, another wall.
	This one is fall.
	The Atticus Pogo Party.
	I always hear that in my head when I say that was, because it's from the Varukers live tape.
	Anyway, that was Cold Cut song Revolution.
	They're the guys who pioneered the whole concept of using video samples for their music.
	So when they make a video, you see the guy saying the thing.
	Their more famous example of it was Timber.
	I talked about that before, one too, where you see the chainsaw that you're hearing going, deeny, na-da-da-da-da-da-dee-ny.
	Cool band.
	Very talented old chaps.
	The reason I sort of rediscovered them is with my new car, I have a cassette player.
	So I dug through all my shit.
	I found all my old mixtapes.
	And there's a lot of groovy jams that I'm rediscovering from 20 years ago.
	Good not to throw shit out.
	Well, is it?
	I mean, books, you should buy all the books you can.
	Don't throw out your cassettes.
	But then I went through my CDs and I'm like, how long do I have to keep these for?
	You know?
	Should I throw them out?
	I don't know.
	Welcome back, Ryan.
	Ryan Katsu-Rivera is here today.
	Hello.
	Ryan debuted his new show Celebrity Mailbag.
	I did.
	And I just touched my hair for the first, and I'm going to try to stop.
	In fact, I'm going to have a tip jar.
	Every time I touch my hair, I have to put a dollar in.
	Oh, good.
	So you're finally accepting this criticism?
	Is it because it came from someone else and not me?
	Because I've been telling you that from day one.
	No, but it's a good tip.
	It just finally sunk in.
	You did a show on the weekend.
	Oh, yes.
	I understand it sucked.
	No.
	And it was gay and boring.
	I look kind of blurry.
	You do.
	Why is this a thing?
	The whole last episode, last week's episode, I was blurry.
	We got Crispy G and Flyry coming at you live.
	So I would just like to say that your music sucks.
	Everything you do musically is embarrassing.
	Untrue.
	And the closest we got, when we really analyzed it, we realized it sounds like the music that is used to advertise some sort of new airplane cleaner.
	Yeah, like some sort of...
	Or like advertising like a part.
	Like, here's why your company should.
	This is for engineers.
	You know, when engineers are talking about some new cog that goes like that and can help make wrenches, they don't want to just have silence.
	So they have like, damn it, the new X14 300.
	Engineering.
	State-of-the-art, self-cleaning tool-making machine.
	So that's the level of crap that you make.
	And then the fact that you thought you could play that live and people would be going, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, was just, is naive the word?
	I guess dumb is probably the easiest.
	Occam's razor, right?
	I think the audience responded by booing you.
	That's true.
	Maybe they thought it was Bruce Springsteen.
	They were going, Bruce.
	No, they knew it was me.
	Oh.
	So that sucked.
	I think I have a clip of the boo.
	Did you play highs and lows?
	I did not.
	Oh.
	I know.
	Because I said if anybody was a fan of the show, somebody actually emailed.
	They said, I'm close enough to it, but I have to be a dad.
	So I'm not allowed to go out tonight.
	And I understand that.
	Not allowed to go out tonight.
	But if somebody were to say highs and lows, I would have played it.
	But nobody did.
	What's that other guitar?
	Oh, that comes into play a little later.
	So what, you switched from acoustic to electric.
	Yeah.
	And isn't this the same bar you played at a long time ago?
	No, this is, I've never been here before.
	This is dog bar.
	But there's footage of you on YouTube playing in a cafe, and it looks exactly like that.
	Very similar.
	Very similar.
	Okay.
	Let's check it out.
	Okay.
	He's like Bert Janch.
	Is that a good thing?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	I'm being sarcastic.
	Yeah, so I was booed.
	Are you noticing a pattern here?
	Every time you break out on your own and you're not doing what I tell you to, like a celebrity male, it's an abysmal failure because you suck.
	What about my cameo?
	Which has yielded me almost $700.
	Jesse Lee Peterson.
	Jordan Peterson.
	I did one of you.
	That's kind of me.
	That's true.
	Remember how much I insisted you get that face swap shit?
	That's a good point.
	I can't do it.
	It's too hard.
	It's impossible, boss.
	Can't happen.
	We should update my Mets bet.
	We should.
	This is the reason why they booed me, by the way.
	Okay.
	So this is a thing I printed out and handed out.
	And I said, I know everybody's probably groaning because here's another musician with another handout that we have to fill out.
	But yeah, so they would rate my songs on a scale from 1 to 10.
	There's a comment section they could like and subscribe.
	And they can vote for their number one favorite American rock and roll.
	And they voted for Incubus Drive, so I did that song.
	But on a talk box.
	Yeah, that went over.
	you shouldn't have shown that.
	You wrecked the whole joke.
	You just broke the fourth wall.
	And you're showing us a questionnaire you gave out without showing us the results.
	It's just bad TV.
	I could show the results.
	Well, later.
	I have the papers.
	I collected them.
	Okay.
	Anyway, let's get on to some actual stuff here.
	Let's start the show.
	Shall we?
	Which I guess means something comes from there.
	No, it comes from here and then it goes there.
	It does.
	It comes from the other side.
	Okay, so I should be facing this way.
	Okay, here we go.
	We're starting the show now.
	Ready?
	One.
	Shouldn't that be one, two, three?
	On the count of one.
	Go.
	So put up my Met score.
	They've won seven and lost three.
	So that is, I won $700.
	I lost $300.
	So I'm up $500.
	I went to see them on the weekend.
	They had this awesome opening day, 10-3 or something like that.
	Everyone was going nuts, screaming.
	No one wanted to go home.
	And then I went to the game and we lost 3-4.
	Boring, scoreless, shitty fucking game.
	And you know what I noticed when I was leaving the stadium?
	Everyone's rushing to get out and I see people just sitting on chairs, eating popcorn, looking at their phones.
	And I'm like, dudes, what the fuck are you doing?
	We got to go.
	Time to go.
	And then I realized they're the smartest people in the room.
	The second smartest are the people who just tailgate post-game and sit there on their fold-out chairs and talk and fucking drink beer.
	And then the third smartest people, the dumbest people, are me, who took an hour getting out of the parking lot.
	So new thing.
	After the game is over, go to the bar and order a drink.
	Enjoy yourself.
	Lounge around for an hour.
	Those people, those loungers, probably left the stadium 30 seconds after me.
	And while they were enjoying themselves, I was in a car going.
	How much do you have total?
	So there's been seven wins, three losses, 500 bucks.
	Not bad.
	Now, it's not 500 bucks.
	I'll ask the bookie.
	I hate this shit where it's all about the other team.
	So if it's DeGrom pitching and it's the shittiest team in the league, I win like 20 bucks.
	And if he loses, I win like, I can lose like 300 bucks.
	Even though I bet 100.
	Isn't that weird?
	That's off.
	That's not the way bets work.
	Say there's a hat there.
	You put your $100 in the hat.
	You get whatever's in the hat.
	If they take the hat away, you lose your $100.
	Now I have to shell out extra money because I should have won.
	You know my grandfather was a bookie, right?
	That's why he...
	No, I said three, Ryan.
	7-3.
	You should have noticed it's 7-2.
	Wait a minute.
	Wait a minute.
	I won $700.
	I lost three.
	That's $400.
	Yeah, no one really liked the Irish, so it changed his name from McGinnis to McInnes to get more clients.
	But he eventually went bankrupt because no one wanted to bet with him.
	You know why?
	Because the Irish thing helped.
	He changed it to McInnes.
	That's why my name is spelled wrong today.
	But he wouldn't accept money from women.
	Because back then, if a woman had money, she was being naughty.
	Because men would allot them their spending money.
	Should probably go back to that, judging by the amount of shit my wife brings home.
	Every day there's a new toy.
	Like he's got a gel machine gun that shoots out those gel things.
	Those are all over the fucking house.
	And then another day I come home, guess what we have?
	A butterfly farm.
	Another day I come home, there's like a weird beer pong thing on wheels where it moves and you have to bounce the ping pong in.
	And then it all goes into storage.
	We play board games.
	My family plays board games maybe once or twice a year.
	If you saw our board game section of our den, you'd think that I worked at Hasbro.
	We have unopened games.
	I have an Animal House game.
	Unopened.
	I'm the only one in the family that loves Animal House.
	What am I going to do?
	Play with an eight-year-old?
	About who directed Animal House or what university they shot it at?
	All right, let's get started with some LGBTQ.
	I've always said that Jackie Chan.
	Oh, wait, you got to do the thing first.
	Okay, let's do it.
	Why are you weak?
	I felt ugly.
	I felt gay.
	And then we fell in love.
	I never eat the poop poop.
	And we have a very good relationship.
	Why you don't like the game?
	You don't want to see a close-up picture of my animals because you can't game me.
	You ugly.
	Homophobe alert.
	I did a talk with Ezra Levant at an interview that we'll put up here on our site over the weekend.
	And he stopped the interview.
	And he said, can you stop with the Canadian flag waving in the background?
	It's really distracting.
	And I let him.
	It's his show.
	But he doesn't understand that that's part of my art is being abrasive and annoying.
	It's punk rock.
	It's metal.
	It's mean.
	It's not pleasant.
	But I think when someone is looking at this show on their phone and there's a distracting background, it's kind of funny.
	Another time I did, this is years ago, I did an interview with him at my place upstate and I had built a swing in the living room because we had an open to above living room.
	So we had like 60 feet.
	So I built a huge swing.
	So the kids would swing in the living room.
	So as I'm talking, there's a little kid behind me going, zoop, zoop.
	And he goes, can you stop that?
	Can you tell them to get off the swing?
	no one's going to take you seriously.
	And I go, Yeah, that's what we're going for, Ezra.
	But fine.
	So, yeah, go back to my distracting homos.
	I have been pushing this theory for many, many years.
	And that theory is: Jackie Chan is a fag.
	Now, I first started this when I noticed he had an apprentice who has been training with him to become a full-blooded ninja, whatever the fuck you get.
	Triple, quadruple, black belt.
	He's been training with Jackie for like 40 years.
	You should be able to melt steel with your eyes after 40 years of apprenticing.
	Maybe you should be teaching after that long, no?
	And it's recently been confirmed by the way Jackie Chan talks.
	Here he is discussing a scene with Bruce Lee where Bruce Lee accidentally hit him.
	And he pretended he was in severe pain so Bruce Lee would keep doting on him because he's a gay lord that wants to suck Bruce Lee's penis.
	Unstick right on my hat.
	By the way, speaking of 40 years, can you learn English, please?
	He has the worst accent.
	If I lived in China since 1970 or whenever the fuck he moved here, I would have no accent in Chinese.
	Obviously.
	Like, you gotta try, dude.
	Go ahead.
	But I just, I do nothing.
	I just, ah, and I just felt, you know, a little dizzy, little dizzy.
	Okay.
	I look at the bushley.
	Bushly doesn't do anything.
	He look at everybody and keep acting, turn around back until the director say, cut.
	Then he just throw the two sticks, just turn around.
	Oh my God.
	He run to me and lift me up.
	I'm sorry.
	I'm sorry.
	And actually, I'm not paying anymore because you're a young guy.
	After that, I'm not paying anymore.
	After that, I'm not paying anymore.
	You were pain?
	You're the guy I feel when I stub my toe.
	If we kill Jackie Chan, will we all be on Xanax for the rest of our lives and feel nothing?
	Go ahead.
	Very tough.
	But Satani, I don't know why I just pretend very painful.
	I just want Bootley home me as long as his can.
	As long as his can.
	Jesus Christ.
	He's like the worst immigrant grocer cab driver.
	During the whole day, every time he look at me, like this, I said, okay, okay.
	And I think that's the best movement.
	He's just one stick right on my hand.
	What do you think, Ryan?
	You're a gay chink.
	I'm not either, but I would say that that's a little quay.
	Yeah, even remembering that story, like this is how a straight man would tell that.
	I used to do, you know, I used to do action movies, and I was doing it way back in the 70s.
	You remember Bruce Lee, of course, right?
	Yeah.
	I was in that movie and he fucking nails me in the head.
	I mean, it's inevitably going to happen.
	All the close calls you're going to hit when he's really sympathetic guy.
	He's like, I'm so sorry.
	I was like, yeah, whatever.
	Great guy.
	Good guy.
	Yeah, or you could even tell, you could be like, I thought it was funny that he was so blurry and had to adjust that before he made this point.
	And you could be like, I thought it was funny that he was doting over me, so I kept doing it.
	Or I didn't want him to really kick my ass.
	Then that story would be called The Time I Pretended to Be a Fag.
	Right.com.
	Yeah.
	Or you could see, I was such a huge fan of his that I kept it going so he can keep paying attention to me, which is still gay, but fan gay.
	That's a good name for our URL if we ever lose censored.tv.
	What, fan gay?
	The timeipretended to be a fag.com.
	That time never ended.
	Yeah.
	There was one URL I really wanted, and it's owned by porn people.
	Stupidshit.com or crazy shit.com.
	That's the thing.
	Sucksshit.com.
	Anyway.
	So yeah, that's gay.
	Here's another thing in the gays.
	If you notice in these TikTok videos, they have never memorized their script.
	Now, I'm not reading from a script.
	You can tell.
	I stutter.
	There's pauses.
	I forget what I'm talking about.
	I can't think of things.
	That's how we naturally talk to each other.
	I wish everyone would do this.
	Tucker Carlson, the news.
	Oh, God.
	SNL.
	If they would drop those fucking scripts.
	I can read.
	Don't read to me.
	It's not bedtime.
	I'm not five and you're not my daddy.
	Stop reading.
	Now, these trannies are so full of shit that they don't really believe what they're saying.
	That's why they can't just emote the way I can right now because I have the courage of my convictions.
	I'm being totally sincere, totally honest with you.
	So I don't have to remember anything.
	I could just talk.
	They can't do that.
	They have to write it out.
	They have to dot all their I's and cross all their T's and make sure that their stupid little diatribe conforms to their ridiculous narrative that they don't even believe themselves.
	So this silly cunt has taken so much testosterone that hair started coming out of her face.
	And she's decided it's very important that the children know about this.
	And she decides to set aside some time where we talk about me.
	What does Fleckis say?
	This clip really stuck out to me.
	That's what you talk about with your 30th seconds.
	Wild.
	My fun fact would be, I like fishing.
	I don't even like finishing that fishing that much.
	How do you spell it wrong?
	Swipe all the way to the end, how an Illinois school dristicker is getting between parents and their kids.
	Okay, so check this out.
	About me, Ms. Hammond?
	Wait, go back to the beginning.
	You need the beginning.
	And something cool about me, Miss Hammond?
	All right.
	All right.
	So something that's really cool and unique about who I am is that I am transgender.
	So we touched a little bit about that at the beginning of this week in the book that Ms. Hammond read, but I'm going to give you my explanation about what it means to be transgender as well.
	So when babies are born, the doctor looks at them and they make a guess about whether the baby is a boy or a girl.
	And something cool about me, Ms. Hammond?
	Fun fact.
	Is that all there is?
	I don't think so.
	The Illinois State Board of Education guidelines say step.
	Yeah, he goes on to say the doctors make a guess about whether or not this is a boy or a girl.
	And then later we find out the truth.
	For example, that girl with facial hair is a boy, a man.
	And we didn't know that from birth.
	So these gender reveals are just guest parties, really, right?
	Yeah.
	We're saying it's really a penis or a vagina party.
	Because that's all you're finding out about your child is that they have a penis or a vagina.
	Ah.
	I think my shirts shrink over time when I wash them.
	Or maybe I got fat by not going to the gym all spring break.
	Shrink, shrink, shrunk.
	What?
	I like all the tenses of the word shrink.
	Hmm.
	Shrink, shrink, shrunk.
	Speaking of not needing to hear about a teacher's retarded gender bullshit politics, why don't you keep thoughts like that to yourself?
	Did not flub at all.
	No, it wasn't a flub.
	There was no fucking flub.
	It was not a flub.
	I would argue you're right.
	It was not a flub.
	It was just boring.
	Okay.
	Extraneous.
	Do we have a free speech interstitial?
	I thought we did.
	You know what?
	We do.
	Nash.
	And here we go.
	Nash.
	Free speech.
	Free speech.
	Free speech.
	It ain't free.
	Wow.
	We are kind of chintzy with the music there.
	That is no fighting with Larry Barnes.
	He's wearing a tux for his inauguration.
	He's being inducted into the New York State Hall of Fame on May 1st.
	Two massive Proud Boys parties, one in Connecticut, one in the UK.
	Can't go.
	Got to go to Larry Barnes' thing.
	I said, can I wear a tux?
	Because I don't want to upstage you.
	He goes, you can't upstage me, motherfucker.
	Wow.
	And I go, okay, calm down.
	And then he shoved me.
	So he gets serious about this.
	No.
	It's funny.
	And I said, my new thing is like, I'm basically the Hulk.
	And I'll go like, I'll freeze when he shoves me.
	And I'll go, holy shit, you don't know what you've done.
	You don't know what you've just awoken.
	Do you know what they used to call me in jail?
	And then I said this today, because he doesn't know the show.
	I go, they called me Baby Monster.
	And then he broke character and cracked up and ran away laughing, going, baby monster, motherfucker.
	Is one of your things with him, so he calls you Cupcake, but do you ever do short jokes with him?
	Oh, yeah.
	Okay.
	Like today.
	The double end bag was all fucked up.
	The double end bags are always in disarray.
	I said to the owner, I'm like, this is an elephant's graveyard for double end bags.
	They're never, this one was at three feet off the ground, and it had so much slack that when you hit it, it was almost like hitting a thing on a swing.
	And so I'm punching this tiny one because it's the only one available.
	And I'm like, hey, Larry, is this to practice on you?
	That's a short joke.
	You should ask him if he rented his tuxedo from Build a Bear.
	Would you laugh at that?
	It seems kind of easy to do short.
	Yeah, I know.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And black, other guys do racial jokes.
	It seems a little weak.
	Right.
	Although I did say, if you fuck with me one more time, I'm going to pick up your ass and throw you through that window like a chocolate rocket.
	That's got great sound to it.
	It did get some skit take laughs.
	That's hilarious.
	Chocolate rocket.
	It's not alliteration, but it's something musical in there that's very pleasant.
	Yeah, it's almost as good as shrink-shrink shrunk.
	I love that sound.
	And cellar doors.
	Did you know cellar doors is said to be the most appealing the English language gets?
	It's funny you say that.
	Actually, I'm not a big fan of that, but the shrink-shrink-shrunk.
	I think the best the English language is when Perry Caravello was forced to lie and pretend a bottle broke in his ass cheeks, maybe anus.
	And he said, I didn't want to squeeze, but I squeeze.
	Actually, that reminds me.
	It's the six-year anniversary of me stoving a butt plug up my ass.
	Wow.
	Yeah, thank you.
	That's amazing.
	Isn't that amazing?
	I'll send you the pictures.
	And it's amazing how often this comes up.
	It's like, yeah, Gavin McInnes, he's okay, but true fact, he shoved a butt plug up his ass to prove he wasn't homophobic.
	True story.
	It didn't actually go like in your butthole either.
	It was just like between your cheeks.
	Who cares?
	Remember, right?
	I sucked off a frozen piece of shit last week.
	And it came.
	Oh, shit, is it gone?
	It's gone.
	Remember we were going to prove it?
	Hi, chocolate Jordan Peterson.
	Huh.
	But yeah, just to, well, we'll pull them up, and then maybe someone will make this a clip and put it on YouTube.
	To be clear, I did not have sexual relations with that butt plug.
	I put the butt plug in my ass because we were watching Hillary Clinton.
	She was dancing badly, and I said, this woman is dancing like something's up her ass.
	I bet I could dance better than her with something up my ass.
	Now, because we had often had porn stars on the show, on various shows on the network, there was butt plugs and sex toys lying around.
	So I grabbed one.
	I inserted it in between my anal lips.
	And then I proceeded to dance quite well.
	And that was me proving that I can dance better than Hillary with something up my ass.
	And she looks like she's, you know, dancing with something up her ass.
	It was a funny joke.
	And I don't know why.
	It has never stopped coming up.
	I sucked off a piece of shit.
	I did a card trick on the street where I had the ace of spades rolled up in a condom way up my ass, into my buttocks, like gone.
	I had to pull it out, and this condom was like stretching.
	Loop.
	They say I did this to own the libs.
	That's such a double-edged sword, a double-edged dildo sword.
	Here's the thing.
	You forget that you were.
	That was Baeda.
	It's a double-edged sword because, like, if you don't put it all the way in, people are going to be like, oh, you didn't really do it.
	But then if you just put it halfway in, people are going to be like, oh, you did it.
	But who cares?
	That's the other beauty of that.
	That's a true point.
	Who fucking cares?
	It just goes to show you, too, like, you can be careful and make sure you don't do anything offensive, and it'll always be spun around and shoved up your ass.
	All right.
	Speaking of free speech, Elon Musk is the big story.
	The comedian, the guy who does his show with Ryan Long.
	Oh, yeah, I met him the other day, and I felt bad because I forgot who he was.
	I was like, I've seen you somewhere.
	Danny Polishchuck.
	Polishchuck, yep.
	Change your last name, dude.
	Be Danny Cougar.
	Danny Lionheart.
	Danny Savage.
	Oh, there already is a Dan Savage.
	Danny Duncan.
	Danny Dinkles.
	Yeah, sometimes with a little alliteration.
	Polishchuck?
	Danny Dinko.
	Danny P. No.
	Oh.
	Danny DeChucky.
	Anyway, let's watch some of his funny thing.
	1.3 million views.
	Wow, that is a successful joke.
	Hi, my name's Tony Fernandez.
	I use he-him pronouns, and I'm the lead of content moderation here at Twitter.
	Before I get started, I would just like to acknowledge that Twitter's head office occupies the unceded ancestral homelands of the Ramitoshalani peoples, who are the original inhabitants of the San Francisco Peninsula.
	It's not theirs in the sense that we've ever provided them any sort of compensation, nor do we intend to.
	But we contribute with our words, which is basically as good as possible.
	In fact, they don't even believe in money or have a word for it.
	The reason I'm making this video is in response to Elon Musk recently purchasing 9% of Twitter.
	Normally, I wouldn't dare call out a neurodivergent African-American.
	However, I feel compelled to, as our democracy and the majority of the people.
	He should get that bleach.
	You know that anal bleach that porn stars use?
	He should get that on his eyes.
	He looks like Rasputin.
	I think we're missing the point of the video, though.
	It's making good points.
	Oh.
	Right?
	At stake.
	Mr. Musk has accused Twitter of being against free speech.
	However, Vladimir Putin and the head of the Taliban both have accounts on our platform.
	It looks like he stole Nick DiPaolo's face for this.
	Did you know that when you talk to lefties, they hate Twitter because it's so right-wing?
	Wow.
	And they think that it amplifies conservative voices?
	The same with Facebook.
	Like Sasha Baron Cohen thinks that Facebook is a Nazi site where Nazis organize their anti-Semitic events.
	Go, guys, if you don't like your own fascist platforms, then I don't know what to do.
	I can't help you here.
	Twitter has banned every conservative from me to Poodie Pie and Candace Owens and everything Proud Boys, InfoWars, all gone.
	Is Nick Fuentes still on Twitter?
	No.
	No, of course not.
	He made it a while, though, but he's gone.
	You can't DM someone censored.tv.
	It won't go through.
	Nick Fuentes out of context clips got banned.
	Oh, yeah.
	And it was arguably anti-I mean, I always knew I was laughing.
	When I quit Lent, when Lent was over and I could start drinking whiskey again, I got drunk for the first time, a real good, solid drunk.
	And I instantly gettered out the funniest tweet that I've ever said in my life.
	And I was like, welcome back, funny me.
	It's been 40 days of overthinking jokes and not being good.
	And not being good at it.
	If you will.
	By the way, I dreamt another genius invention.
	I actually dreamed two inventions.
	One is it's two framed pictures, and one says H A and the other says LF.
	It's cut in half.
	Oh, pretty cool.
	I was like, that's the most brilliant thing in the world.
	Then here's another brilliant idea I had in my sleep.
	Here we go.
	Oh, there we go.
	Nick Fuentez reading the comments.
	Here's another idea.
	It's Blutarski.
	It's Bluto from Animal House.
	And he's doing a Prager U video.
	And there's a plane bombing.
	And the text behind him says, the Germans, question mark.
	And then there's a split screen.
	And then the other half, it says, he's on a roll.
	Do you get that joke?
	I think I get it.
	It's an Animal House joke.
	Do you get it, though?
	You'd fail at the board game.
	I would fail at the board game.
	In one of his speeches, he goes, when the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor, he's on a roll.
	He goes, the Germans?
	And the other guy goes, Sandori's on a roll.
	Yeah.
	So between fucking this joke and us, we don't punch right.
	We roast right.
	That's all we're doing.
	He's not right.
	Just a roast.
	Ryan Long and Danny Dodanko are centerist, probably liberal in 99% of their shit.
	Good point.
	But they're seen now as right-wing because they don't have 32 genders up their ass.
	Yeah.
	Blaine that.
	We can't.
	I mean, you can't.
	Sure, we banned the sitting president of the United States for life with no recourse, but had we not done that, the QAnon shaman would probably be the Speaker of the House right now.
	And we admitted we screwed up by not allowing the New York Post story about Hunter Biden's laptop to be shared right before the election, but we had a policy about not sharing hacked materials at the time.
	And in our defense, we did reverse that policy, which allowed all the donors to that Canadian Nazi trucker convoy to be exposed.
	So we do get some things right, like recently when we locked the account of the satire site The Babylon Bee for calling Rachel Levine man of the year.
	She is a woman, and we don't allow hateful Content on our platform that isn't directed at the previous administration or any members of the Russian government.
	More importantly, Twitter is a private business and has the right to refuse service to anyone we choose.
	Just like a restaurant that won't serve an unvaccinated person, but not like a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay couple, Mr. Musk fails to realize that with every tweet criticizing Twitter, he puts every one of us in real danger.
	Okay, that's you get it.
	But you know what's funny about this?
	So it's all very straightforward, good jokes, but the responses were amazing.
	First of all, his name is there on the account.
	He calls himself Tony Fernandez.
	That's your first clue, kiddies.
	And then look, this is just like today.
	I don't know if it's a joke or not.
	Keep going.
	Twitter is not a private company taking him totally seriously.
	You said which pronouns you used, so I guess I got three seconds in.
	Good stuff.
	Would be substantially funnier if it wasn't so true.
	Okay, so that's one person who got the joke.
	People need to look up section 20 that signals the company.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	I love how people don't take the time to look at who you are.
	And he says, it's better this way.
	Keep going.
	People don't realize the joke.
	I can't tell if it's satire or not.
	It's afraid.
	Excuse me, sir.
	You dropped this crown.
	Is this satire?
	Jen, his name is Danny Jokes.
	Do not let him purchase or buy Twitter.
	He has no reason to do so.
	He can do other stuff with his money.
	That's an amazing take.
	And here's a fun one.
	Skip over to 17.
	Front page of the Washington Post.
	Front page physically of the paper and on the homepage of the website, we have the Washington Post discussing how incredibly dangerous it would be for Elon Musk to buy Twitter.
	The Washington Post is owned by Jeff Bezos.
	So we're listening to a dictator's platform tell us that Twitter would better not become a dictator's platform.
	What?
	Elon Musk wants a free speech utopia.
	Technologists clap back.
	Musk's vision of the internet outdoor doesn't take into account the real world.
	They say, see, this is a good trick you do, where you say, I'm not saying anything.
	This is just...
	Now, you can go look up anything on Twitter too and see a pattern.
	Look up, I hate babies.
	And then you could say, huge backlash against baby, Twitter says.
	The onslaught of tweets criticizing babies is relentless.
	So you can frame whatever argument you want.
	And the problem is people are so lazy that it works.
	You know, I did the do's and don'ts column advice for 20 years or whatever it was, 15 years.
	And constantly saying, this outfit is a good outfit.
	This is a good vibe.
	This is a good band.
	This is a good look.
	This isn't.
	I created a set of rules.
	The next thing you know, there was a subculture called hipsters that were just like mods or punks or skins.
	It was a new group.
	And that came from just constantly nattering away.
	Look at the way Brits are.
	Thanks to the BBC.
	The way Canadians voted for Fidel Castro's son three times now.
	They'll probably vote for him again.
	He's literally retarded.
	And they keep voting for him because the Canadian broadcasting company has been bought by the government.
	Not just the CBC, by the way.
	He went on and spent $800 million just buying up every media source.
	Because it works.
	It's a good investment.
	And here we have Jeff Bezos telling us not to do it.
	Go to 1.6.
	This was an interesting thread about the concept of rich people buying media companies.
	I have bad news for everyone concerned about the prospect of a billionaire being in charge of an influential media company.
	And here we go.
	I mean, that picture says it all, doesn't it?
	Jeff Bezos owns WAPO.
	John Henry owns The Globe.
	Las Vegas Review Journal is some other, the guy who does The Sands.
	Someone who is married to a rich guy or the daughter of a rich guy owns The Atlantic.
	Patrick Nanshwing.
	Who's he, Ryan?
	You assume I know him because he's Asian, but I actually do not know who that is.
	Oh.
	Yes.
	Mark Bainioff owns Time.
	Why does Washington Post get the only cool, like, WAPO?
	Why can't it be like the Boglo?
	Maybe it is.
	The LaVe Rojo.
	We've never discussed the Boglo.
	Maybe it's called Boglo.
	La Ve Reijo?
	That's pretty cool.
	La Ve Reijo.
	This is what I don't get.
	Why are so many gazillionaires left-wing?
	Like, everyone's freaking about Elon Musk.
	I wouldn't, just like Ryan Long and Danny Joke Pants, I wouldn't consider him right-wing.
	He just thinks that woke culture is getting out of control.
	And if you don't think that, you're just special.
	You're special needs.
	Who owns Breitbart?
	What is this chart?
	I don't know.
	Who owns your news?
	Top 100 news sites compiled with Pew Research Center's list of newspapers by average Sunday circulation.
	Yeah.
	But say Elon, that's a lot of money to control Twitter, which is Twitter's totally left-wing now.
	All the right voices are gone.
	Once Elon takes it over, all the lefties are going to leave.
	So now you have a shitty dead site that you spent $40 billion on.
	Invest $40 billion in Trump Truth Social or Getter or Gab.
	Oh, here was a funny one.
	So by the way, it's kind of redundant to talk about this.
	I'm not really sure where we're at now.
	They took a poison pill and self-sabotaged their own company, right?
	I'm not totally clear on what a poison pill is, but I think it's kind of like minority oppression, where the big shareholders elbow out the little guy and make it impossible for him to make moves.
	I'm not sure it's legal, but we'll see what happens with that.
	I guess he's got to sue Twitter now.
	That's years.
	But go to 19?
	No, 19.
	We'll do this last.
	You've all seen that, right?
	Come on, tweets.
	Load, load.
	Twitter just adopted a poison pill in response to Elon's takeover bid.
	Netflix did a similar maneuver in 2012.
	Here's how it played out: Chung Fan.
	Do you know him?
	I don't know who that is.
	Just because he's Asian does not mean I know him.
	It's racist.
	It's another name for a shareholder rights plan, a corporate tactic invented during the wild leverage buyout of the 1980s.
	The move allows corporate boards to defend against unwanted takeover attempts.
	These defenses include issuing of preferred stocks with special rights, control of shareholder means.
	Boring!
	He built up a 9.8 possession in Netflix and said the company should be acquired by Amazon or Microsoft.
	Netflix adopted a poison pill that would kick in if an individual acquired 10%.
	Netflix management wasn't interested in getting acquired.
	Anyway, so we'll see how it plays out.
	It's not looking very good.
	But do we care?
	It's like Facebook.
	I mean, no one of consequence really cares what happens on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram for that matter.
	Instagram just booted my boy John Joseph from the Cro-Mags.
	John Joseph was dubious of the vax and he said, I got COVID and I was under the weather for a couple days, but I bounced back.
	You know why?
	Because I invested in my immune system.
	And that's what I was saying to Ezra over the weekend.
	The lesson God sent us with COVID, and if you're an atheist, just say nature, was you're too obese.
	America and the Western world was sent a warning sign from nature that said, you guys are out of shape.
	We're the first generation to live less long than our parents.
	Yeah.
	It's been going up since the beginning of man.
	The life expectancy in cave days was probably like an hour and a half.
	We've been going up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
	And then these fatties is the first time it's dipped.
	And our parents are living to 79 and we're like 76.
	Because we're fat.
	And that message was completely 100% ignored by the populace.
	They talked about drugs.
	They talked about politics.
	They talked about everything but the message.
	The message was oldies and fatties are vulnerable.
	We already knew oldies are vulnerable.
	That's not news.
	But fatties, we didn't realize how fragile they were until they started dying.
	But because of viewers like you tend to be fat, no one criticizes them on TV because it's not good for business.
	And Big Pharma is the one who pays for all these commercials, so they want to make it all about pharmaceuticals.
	No, no, no.
	You need the right pills.
	That's what COVID is about.
	Wrong.
	You need to invest in your immune system.
	So John Joseph just brought this up.
	No, sir.
	That's verboten.
	You can't say the truth.
	You can't point out that investing in your immune system is the most important investment you can do.
	Anyway, we'll wrap up this Elon segment with something you probably already heard of, but we got to put it on the record books.
	Misa Bravzensky, whatever her fucking name is, Joe Scarborough's, I don't know, third wife, eighth wife.
	She said on a show that we can't have Elon Musk controlling the narrative.
	That's our job.
	And they're still Trump supporters.
	They go, yeah, you guys are going crazy.
	He's doing.
	What are you so surprised about?
	He's doing exactly what he said he's going to do.
	Well, and I think that the dangerous edges here are that he's trying to undermine the media, trying to make up his own facts.
	And it could be that while unemployment and the economy worsens, he could have undermined the messaging so much that he can actually control exactly what people think.
	And that is our job.
	If you look at the issue, that's even worse than I set it up as.
	He could control what people think.
	That's our job.
	This happened before on CNN.
	They were talking about Hunter's laptop, I think, when it first hit the news.
	And they were saying, this can't be seen by the public.
	Or maybe it was WikiLeaks.
	And they were saying, we have to filter the information.
	So we need to see the information first and decide what you can see.
	Rather than you just see it yourself.
	That's crazy.
	You can't have all the information.
	No, that's our job.
	All right.
	Let's talk to Ricky.
	No, not Ricky Berwick.
	Excuse me.
	I always confuse my gimps.
	There's Ricky Berwick.
	There's the guy with the funny head who has the girlfriend who's definitely not dating him just because he's handicapped and can't stop posing in pictures with him.
	And then there's our guy, Crip Daddy, Donovan.
	Who rules?
	Who's the best?
	He's the best out of all.
	We had Ricky on the show many years ago.
	He was too cryptic.
	Ricky Cryptic.
	Cryptic Daddy.
	I prefer Crip Daddy to Cryptic Daddy.
	But he had a funny fight.
	I think he texted you all the pictures.
	He had a funny fight on Twitter on the weekend.
	And these women were fucking coming at him and Ricky, wishing death upon him.
	And my favorite insult they hurled at you, Donovan, was, I bet your mother has to take care of you.
	Is that true?
	Can you hear me?
	Oh.
	Could be on our end.
	Let's check.
	Okay.
	Testing, testing.
	This is live, folks.
	Fuck it.
	We'll do it live.
	Crip, Daddy, are you there?
	Crippy?
	Yep, I am here.
	Oh, good, good, good.
	How are you?
	I'm doing as well as I can.
	Well, I was just saying over the weekend that only a loser would have his mother take care of him.
	If I was paralyzed, I would have like bikers handing me beers, and then I'd have all supermodels blowing me and changing my diaper and stuff.
	You think maybe highly of yourself, huh?
	I'm just the way I am.
	What kind of loser has his mama take care of him just because he's paralyzed?
	Well, I mean, I think that your mom was doing a good job until she was getting a little too handsy on my bones.
	My mother touched your bollocks?
	Yeah, and she's not the only mom.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't really understand that insult.
	What does she want you to do?
	I don't know, dude.
	She just does whatever she wants.
	That's half the problem.
	There is that funny-looking guy with the bobblehead who has the chick who pretends that she's not with him because he's paralyzed.
	Yeah, there's been more of those popping up.
	I think the Chinese are spying on me on my TikTok because that's like 40% of my feed is just random disabled people, fucking insanely hot women.
	They're trying to break you.
	Yeah, it's a fucking psyop.
	I don't like it.
	Can you record you going to your girlfriend and saying, I think it's time that I moved in with you and you became my full-time caregiver and lover?
	And watch her go, oh, yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah, no, I can do that for you.
	Right, like now or you're saying soon?
	Soon I could.
	No, that's her talking to you when you propose it.
	So what happened this weekend with these ladies?
	Could you give us the whole story?
	Did it start with that meme?
	Yeah, I just made a simple little funny haha because I saw pictures of Biden and AOC going around.
	No context as to what they were because I'm not a very political guy.
	I just see picture and I was like, man, this picture has a weird aura about it, but I can't put my finger on it.
	And then it dawned on me when I got a boner.
	I was like, oh, this is annoying.
	That's when you realize what you were looking at.
	Yeah.
	And so all I did was slap the Bradzer's logo on there.
	It took two seconds.
	And I thought it was kind of funny, nothing to extend.
	But then every woman on their period fucking lost their mind at that image and got really, really angry.
	I don't understand anyone anymore.
	Why the fuck would you be angry about a joke like that?
	How do you tweet this if your hands don't work, cripple?
	I mean, how do women tweet when their brains hardly work?
	I just can't wait to get to, I'm sorry, but I can't imagine wasting my time arguing with men who Hitler would have gassed.
	Which, great joke.
	I am not even mad at that.
	It's fucking hilarious.
	But it's also rich that, you know, she acts like she wouldn't be right there next to him in the chamber.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So so far we have crippled people don't deserve a voice and crippled people need to die.
	Yeah, like it was almost very quick to just violence.
	And I don't get it because it started off with like men are such fucking porn addicted pieces of shit, you know, and I like, yeah, I know, but what of it?
	It doesn't matter.
	Yeah.
	And does that imply if she could not beat up the person, then his argument is more valid?
	Is this the way arguments work now?
	The stronger the man, what are we in a fucking cave?
	Well, like, women act like they're not as strong as me.
	We're basically the same amount of strength, me and a woman.
	It's a fair fight.
	Yeah.
	You just sort of lock your arms around it and start biting.
	Yeah.
	Seeing your tweet cripples.
	White.
	Oh, what?
	That's how they say white people now.
	Oh, seeing white cripples and conquered males of color crying about how much they hate women just further bolsters my point that we shouldn't be kind to males, especially not male strangers.
	The fuck does that mean?
	It means you're asking for it at that point because you should be nice to male strangers.
	They're the most dangerous.
	Yeah, those are the rapists.
	Yeah.
	Actually, no, I think the rapists are more likely to know them.
	Do you have the tweet with the arm wrestlers, Ryan?
	That was my favorite one.
	I don't see that one.
	Where would that be?
	I'll text it to you.
	So how many people got involved in it?
	Oh, I mean, actually, it's hard to gauge because I would imagine that some of these people were, you know, just in it for the shits and giggles.
	But between me and Ricky, we had like hundreds and hundreds of responses.
	Like, that was probably the most I've ever upset any mass amount of people, which is insane.
	And was it the meme or was it the browsers thing?
	I'm pretty sure it started with the browsers, but then it probably amplified a bit more when I doubled down and said that I don't respect women.
	I like how a cripple is insulting 3.5 billion people and they get really angry, like they're vulnerable all of a sudden.
	Yeah, honestly.
	Wow.
	Oh, well.
	I metaphorically stand by that statement.
	Yeah, you should.
	Okay, well, this brings me to my green screen, Crypt Daddy.
	Thank you very much for providing a fantastic segue into making fun of women.
	Always.
	Anytime you need it, I'm here for it.
	Thanks, buddy.
	All right, let's do a green screen.
	Yes.
	Come on, everybody.
	I'm not going to argue with you.
	You're crippled.
	What?
	Look, that's the only thing Twitter would be good for is people who wouldn't normally bump into each other get to discuss things.
	Not if they're crippled.
	I don't get on to Twitter with people who can't use their legs because Twitter is powered by bicycles.
	What?
	Anyway, I sent you a bunch of green screens, but I want to focus on this one subject, and that is old dudes talking to young hot chicks.
	Now, that's why it was such a good segue from crip daddy young hot chicks are fun to look at but they have nothing to offer if you want to talk about offering no no ryan uh sorry g22 if you want to talk about what people have to offer you kind of have to find an old dude uh someone like bill maher who's been arguing and discussing things for a long time so i guess the mentality here is let's take an old dude who's an accomplished thinker and i wouldn't i i'm not uh
	and wives by woody allen and in it sydney Pollock leaves his middle-aged wife for a young girl, and he loves it at first.
	The other day, we watched one of these dumb movies.
	These movies I could never watch when I was with Judy.
	And we just laughed and laughed, and there was no judgment.
	I'm telling you, I laughed my ass off.
	Sidney Pollack and Husbands and Wives is peak cinema.
	At one point, they're at a party, and she starts talking about astrology.
	And he goes, I told you not to talk to my friends about astrology.
	And he hears that his ex-wife, Judy, is dating Liam Neeson.
	Not literally Liam Neeson, but a character played by Liam Neeson.
	And so he's dragging her to the car and she starts screaming.
	And then he just says my favorite line as he grabs her and she's screaming, help, help.
	He's dragging along the ground.
	He goes, get in the car, you infant.
	Julia Roberts kind of ruins the rest of the movie, but it's a perfect satirical send-up of guys who fuck young girls.
	That you're going to look offended.
	No, I'm 100% offended.
	Like when I think about, you know, someone's trauma and someone, the videos that I have seen that are so, like, suffocating.
	Oh, no.
	What, of the surgery?
	Because, yeah.
	You're done with the dicks they make?
	The burritos that I've seen.
	The what they do to their forearm and the way they make that disgusting skin blints.
	And their parents who are crying because they're like my babies.
	And Jazz Jennings' mother forcing her to shove weird things up her disgusting hole so it doesn't seal up.
	Yeah, I was crying too when I saw that.
	She's alarmingly attractive, by the way.
	Holy shit.
	She looks like a drawing.
	People have to worry about walking on the street just being themselves like fucking anxiety.
	That's why I don't like to like joke about it because, you know, someone hears it and on a public platform is so bad because you're like kind of.
	She's crying.
	Wouldn't it be funny if Bill Maher said, and you know, I hadn't thought of that when I made the joke, but you're right.
	Trans people are under siege.
	I mean, they're dying at remarkable levels and it's all because of blacks.
	How do you think that would have gone?
	And then he shows her a montage of all the guys who have killed trans.
	There it is.
	Tofu and crystals or something.
	Believe me then.
	Stupid.
	There's nothing intellectual about them.
	It's not going to be a matter of time.
	Yes, you are.
	Shut up.
	Shut your mouth.
	What do you want to do?
	What do you want to embarrass you?
	You want to embarrass me?
	Are you coming with me or not?
	No, I hate you, you stupid fucking asshole.
	Asshole, asshole, friends.
	Get in the car.
	Get your ass in the car right now.
	Get in the car.
	I don't know where it is.
	It doesn't matter where it is.
	Here, get in the car.
	God damn, I must have been out of my mind.
	Crazy.
	Holy crazy.
	Go away.
	Get up, good.
	Shut up.
	Let's go.
	God damn it.
	You've done nothing!
	Just let me out of here.
	Let me out and get me out of here.
	Will you just stop?
	Get in the car.
	What are you doing?
	Try to be cute.
	Try to be cute?
	Get in the f ⁇ .
	Oh, I don't believe you.
	What am I doing?
	Get in the car, you infant.
	Get in the fucking car.
	So that's what Bill Maher wants to be doing right now.
	Let's just subject ourselves to a little bit more.
	She cries about.
	By the way, I read statistical data recently about trannies and murder, and it's not disproportionately high.
	We just hear about them a lot.
	They're actually less likely to be killed than an average white dude walking down the street.
	He's spreading like this like, oh, ha ha ha ha.
	And it's like, it's not funny when your face is being beaten in the floor.
	And like any bad thing with any other bad thing.
	Of course, there are a lot of bad things.
	You know what?
	This is what I'm saying.
	Mel Brooks did a movie called The Producers, and he had a song in it called Springtime for Hitler.
	If I really tried, I could probably connect Hitler with something sad.
	But we don't, because that's not how we live.
	That's not how we can live.
	If I really tried, I could compare Hitler to something sad.
	What could there possibly be?
	His dog died?
	Oh, that his paintings were not loved?
	Didn't he die of a gunshot wound?
	Didn't his girlfriend dump him?
	If I tried really hard, I can connect something sad to Hitler.
	That's like a joke and a joke and a joke.
	He's done too much LST.
	All right, that's enough.
	We get it.
	But before we abandon this, I want to show another thing.
	It's such a bad dichotomy.
	Like old ladies and young girls, I don't think they have a bad vibe.
	There's no horny motive there, and they have good advice.
	And it's sort of like the mom says something like, do we still say noise?
	And the kids are like, no, mom, that's so five years ago.
	And it's cute and silly and endearing.
	But old men and young girls, there's animosity there.
	They sense that he's horny and they are grossed out by it.
	I think he's grossed out by himself.
	I know I am when I'm around a gorgeous 20-year-old.
	I'm disgusted at myself for wanting to eat her ass.
	And then he gets, then there's animosity too.
	So you could see what happened there is Bill could sense that he's never going to fuck her ever before he dies.
	It's not happening.
	So then he gets angry and he gets malicious.
	Now in this, we have Keith Morris from this other chick.
	What's her band called Swoon or something?
	She's popular right now.
	And he's just so horny and pathetic.
	He must be, he's 66 years old, this guy.
	And I'll tell you what he is.
	There's a lot of dudes in the punk scene, like Jell-O Biafra and even Lou Reed, who were just pathetic, lost, hopeless nerds.
	And they managed to be in a band that was at the right place at the right time.
	And boom, they Hit.
	So now they're Mick Jagger.
	But Mick Jagger, he was sexy when he was in the womb.
	These guys were losers their whole lives and then they were rock stars.
	They can't handle it.
	And they become these weird, arrogant, cool guys where it's sort of like, you ever meet someone who was super fat and then they got skinny and you talk to them and you realize they're still a fat person?
	They have a fat brain?
	Well, this guy is the singer of a band, but he's still an annoying little bald dwarf 66-year-old man.
	We'll see how long we can take of this.
	Where one of us has to get their tongue snapped in the clapper.
	What a joke was that?
	Look how tiny he is.
	See, and then that gives you an excuse not to have to do this.
	To get raced over to the emergency room for stitches.
	Okay, well, we're going to start with day jobs.
	We have to start with day jobs because that's a very important part of this.
	What's your day job?
	Well, I work at a coffee company in Santa Cruz.
	It's a classic.
	But I work in production, so I don't have to deal with customer.
	But you get to drink a lot of coffee.
	Oh, yeah.
	See what I mean about this dichotomy, this relationship?
	Old men and young sexy girls, they're not meant to be near each other.
	That's excellent.
	Yeah.
	What about you?
	So everybody walks around with the jitters.
	Yes.
	And they're gritting their teeth.
	And then they're waiting for Friday night so they can have a party and have the Coke dealer show up or whatever.
	My day job is just to make it through the day every day.
	Have you started this discussion, Keith?
	And you don't have an answer?
	We're going to talk about dogs.
	What kind of dog do you got?
	I don't have a dog, but I would like to get maybe a German Shepherd or something.
	I'm not really a dog person.
	I like cats.
	I have a hamster in my pocket.
	A few day jobs, all very exciting.
	Everything that you would expect from a person that's in a band.
	Now, I've been in a band with a character named Greg Hudson.
	I got to say, I bought a colored 12-inch of, what's it called, in the streets by the Circle Jerks.
	Cost me $35.
	It's super rare.
	Comes with a booklet and stuff.
	I looked at young pictures of Keith Morris, and that's when I realized, holy shit, this guy was just the worst little shrimpy nerd, and he won the cool lottery.
	Not that he's cool by any means.
	And I was listening to, going, why did I buy this?
	It sucks.
	Wild in the Streets.
	And Wild in the Streets is a cover.
	It's their only good song.
	The reason the Circle Jerks are so popular is because of that cool cartoon drawing of a mosher that made for great t-shirts.
	They suck.
	And Keith Morris is a dork.
	This is a waste.
	We should probably stop this soon.
	At one point, the circle jerks, that was his full-time job.
	And then he got the offer to play in Bad Religion, which turned the circle jerks into, well, I'll do it whenever I have some spare time.
	Classic.
	And in these breaks, in these dips, in these valleys, I have worked as a bartender, as a bar back, bussing tables, as a barista.
	We had a really great job down in Century City.
	All of us actually got a job through Lucky Lair, our drummer at the time, who he happened to be working for a law firm.
	And they needed people to come in and stack papers.
	And we were working on the case that we...
	I feel like John Travolta here.
	guarantee is worthless when he goes on this all your heroes are dorks he's not my hero yeah I know I know but he is to many people of my generation so the moral of the story is you know you look up to these people as young men and you think these these icons are special.
	But then you get to know them and you get to be older and you go, I know you.
	And I've always said this about adults in general.
	When you're a kid and an adult says, hey, you guys, enough, get out of there.
	You go, fuck.
	We're doing a bad thing.
	That guy knows.
	And then you get to my age and you look at men, whether they're 60 or 30, 40, and you can just shrink them in your mind and see that they are still Craig Nolan from fourth grade.
	They're still that dorky kid.
	And you see that they're mostly nerds.
	Bill Maura was clearly a nerd.
	Never been cool.
	Cool is a myth.
	Maybe that's the name of this show.
	All right, should we do the mailbag?
	Every time a proud boy sends me something, an angel gets its wings, I shit my pants because it'll be like, mass shooter in South Carolina.
	I'm like, oh my God, don't tell me that was a fucking proud boy.
	Like, no, relax.
	I'm just sending you a cool article.
	Oh, for fuck's sakes, don't do that.
	Okay, so we've got a whole new system here with the mail where some letters are for me, some letters are for all the celebrities we have now hosting the mailbag.
	The reason we're doing this, of course, is because I would say 90% of the letters we get from you baby monsters are fucking quality content.
	I feel like we have a state-of-the-art, top-tier research team.
	And they send us cool shit that I never thought of before.
	So I'm going to go, Ryan, with the first purple flag.
	Okay.
	This one's called Having Baby Number Two.
	I'm on it.
	Hey guys, I'm at the hospital.
	He's following all of our tips for giving birth.
	He has a flask, comfortable shoes, mints in his pocket, and censored queued up while we're in the room after the delivery for the next two days.
	And lo and behold, censored.tv is blocked by the hospital.
	Photo attached.
	Isn't that amazing?
	Well, zoom out, Ryan.
	That was way too close.
	It's at Memorial Herman.
	Herman.
	I wonder where that is.
	Doing my duty to continue the species, and I can't even unwind with some Gav.
	I ended up connecting to my phone's hotspot to get around it because I will not be denied my daily dose of you fags, but still.
	P.S. Looks like we're about to give him two things.
	That's because he's on baby number two.
	So we always make exceptions for birth gifts.
	One thing for each baby.
	Yeah.
	P.S. You talked about a catchphrase a few weeks ago, and you already have a great one.
	How about never stop fighting?
	It's got that rhythm you like.
	Seems perfect.
	How you doing, man?
	Never stop fighting.
	Never stop fighting.
	Yeah, okay.
	That's pretty cool.
	And then when you walk by it, never stop fighting.
	Yeah, that'll be my new bird up.
	Yeah.
	I'm a white boy.
	Not sure if this has been played as an opening song, but this sounds right up your alley.
	I'm a white boy by Merle Haggard.
	This is from a guy who calls himself Joey Bag of Donuts.
	I don't know this song.
	Okay, Ryan's going to have to get on Spotify.
	While he figures that out, racist ice cream machines.
	Hey guys, you know how the McDonald's ice cream machines never always seem to be quote-unquote broken or not working to the point where it's become a meme?
	This article compiles a bunch of stats and info showing that the chance of an ice cream machine being down is much greater in diverse neighborhoods where most of the employees are black.
	This can be seen as an analogy for a greater societal problem where the percentage of black people is strongly correlated with the decline in the functionality of society, where the mechanic can't fix your car, the doctor can't figure out what's wrong, and you can't even take your girl out for an ice cream cone.
	So I read this article.
	It's pretty good.
	It's pretty racist.
	But he basically says, yes, the ice cream machines are broken.
	How is that racist?
	Ice cream machines don't know what race you are.
	And Vice magazine, my old Alma Mater went on it and they did this big chart and they said, look, ice cream machines are always down.
	And the implication is like McDonald's sabotages their ice cream machines in black neighborhoods so black people can enjoy their delicious Joe Biden flavors.
	No.
	Troubling racial disparities.
	Yeah, in work ethic?
	Correct.
	Well, not that article, because that article just does that same old argument, which is if we live in a racist society, oh, really prove it.
	Blacks are doing badly.
	Well, that's not enough proof.
	I mean, are we living in a racist society because there's not that many whites in the NBA?
	Maybe the whites are less qualified.
	And in the case of these ice cream machines, they're actually quite complex.
	And apparently you've got to put the ingredients in the night before, I don't know, to get it to thaw out or freeze or one of those things.
	Maybe they were so smart, they were like, we know that they're bypassing the sanitation process, so we're going to not use them so people don't get dirty ice cream.
	So these black neighborhoods are actually smart to the man's bullshit.
	Yeah.
	Or they're lazy and they break.
	So that is on counter currents.
	You can look it up yourself.
	Ice cream machine societal disintegration.
	Got Merrell Haggard.
	Pretty brave and interesting.
	You got Merrell Haggard up, ready to go?
	I had a fight once with an Indian, American Indian, feather knot dot, and she kept going, oh yeah, white boy.
	Is that what you think?
	White boy?
	She was drunk.
	And she kept saying it again and again with this real like, white boy.
	Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
	White boy?
	Like a whip.
	It's like if you were saying the N-word and you were like, yeah, you'd like that, you fucking.
	You know what's funny?
	Do you really need to intensify that word?
	What, the N-word?
	Yeah.
	I don't know if there's a way to do it.
	I don't think...
	No.
	It's considered hair-whiteningly intense if there's an R at the end.
	DeSantis removes CRT books from math curriculum.
	Go DeSantis 2024.
	They're trying to shoehorn woke into math textbooks.
	DeSantis for the win.
	I think I saw one and it was like Angela Mayu or whatever her fucking name is.
	And she had been molested as a girl, a young girl, and that was crowbarred into a math equation.
	Do they include that?
	I saw that, what you're talking about there.
	I saw that, what you're talking about there, what boy.
	And it's like, why is that necessary?
	Wait, go to the gray parts.
	I want examples.
	Reasons for rejecting textbooks, blah, blah, blah.
	Decision.
	Yeah.
	I want to see specific examples, though.
	Fuck.
	Tasers.
	Maddie is dead wrong.
	Uh-oh, we should.
	We should save this for the live show.
	Maddie's 100% wrong about tasers.
	Now, of course, they're referring to that guy, where was that?
	In Missouri, Minnesota, Minneapolis?
	Who was shot in the back of the head, what appeared to be execution style.
	And they said he was going for his taser.
	Now, the taser had already been shot, and he had the prongs in.
	So you'd have to reload it to make it work again.
	Or at least that's Maddie's contention.
	So Maddie was saying he had no right to shoot the man, whether he was going for his taser or not, because the taser had already been spent.
	Then this writer says, a taser still functions and can still incapacitate a person after the dart cartridge has been deployed.
	There are metal contact points on the cartridges that allow you to still drive stun a person as many times as you want, as long as you want.
	The reason most tasers fail to work when someone has been shot with the darts is because one or both of the darts don't have sufficient contact with the perp's skin.
	Clothes are too thick, or one dart misses, so no complete current.
	If there is no complete current, the taser does nothing to the person darted, no matter how many times you pull the trigger.
	You can drive stun with or without the cartridge in.
	So you just take the gun, you push it into the guy's skin, and then you can stun all day.
	Long story short, the Grand Rapids perp could have used the exhausted cop's taser against him with oot a dot.
	Okay.
	Let's do one last one.
	Boy hating teachers.
	Dear Gavin and Ray guy.
	Oh, that's not an insult.
	That's nice.
	And I like it.
	I like it, T. It's nice.
	The attacks on teenagers lately have been stunning, but this takes the cake.
	Female teachers feel bad at mean comments teenage boys say to them.
	Instead of empathy that they're just discovering girls and might be awkward, they decide to essentially go to the level of calling them virgins with the term incel.
	In the future, boys will be taught to never speak to women like the Starbucks incident with the 18-year-old.
	Instead, go to their rooms and enjoy the safety-controlled metaverse.
	Yeah, that's what seems to be what they're going for.
	70% of teachers are victims of misogyny at work as incel problem grows.
	What a petty insult.
	And yeah, when you're 16, you are involuntarily celibate, but the term is for like 30-year-olds who should have been laid for the past 10 years and can't get laid because they're socially awkward,
	usually on the spectrum.
	It's a really mean insult.
	And that's why I'm glad that these guys have co-opted it and made thrown.
	Aren't you going to some incel convention soon?
	Doomerfest.
	So Virgin Fest, remember, is in the woods because they got canceled.
	We had Raven on, and she was canceled.
	So this is the three, the third sequel.
	Is it sequel still a sequel if it's the third one?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Seek.
	There's nothing in the prefix that assumes it's only.
	Okay.
	So yes, I'm playing bass for Hollowed.
	And where and when is this?
	Or is that a secret?
	I don't want to dox you.
	It's in beat up by Antifa.
	It's in PA.
	But they're going to announce it day of.
	Did Raven get in shit for being on this show?
	I don't think so.
	I think she was afraid of me being there getting heavy Antifa attention because there's like high schooler kids and bands playing there.
	So she wanted to kind of really separate, like have no link towards any sort of Antifa.
	But they're already going to do it.
	But it's going to be fun.
	That guy sent two articles, by the way.
	One is the teachers bitching about boys being mean to them.
	And then the second one is Secret Notice Starbucks based on a coffee cup for an 18-year-old girl who was being pastured by a stranger telling her to remove the lid if she wanted help.
	Interesting.
	Is someone bad for that?
	I got an idea.
	If you think a young girl is being accosted by someone, go up to her with him there and say, is this guy bothering you?
	Right.
	That used to be a normal thing to say.
	You know what happened at the bar the other day?
	There was a young girl there, and by young I mean 30.
	That's how old I am.
	Maybe she was even like 35.
	So she's, it's weird that she comes there, but I like her.
	She's an interesting young woman.
	Sometimes she gets too drunk, though, and has to be carried home.
	I would never fucking do that.
	You know why?
	Because she has a pit bull.
	Oh, shit.
	Now, if he sees his master all sloppy, his brain might go, you just raped her to death.
	I don't know if they think of rape.
	They're just like...
	No, but you know what I mean?
	Like, you violated my master and she's in peril.
	Yeah, you, yeah.
	I'm going to eat your neck.
	So the only way to do it would be like to open the door and like, open shove, close.
	Yep.
	But he's going to be already at the door because he hears you coming.
	He's like, you know what I would do?
	I would lean her up against the door, put her keys in her hand and be like, bye-bye.
	Yeah.
	And then run.
	Because she might open the door and then he'll come running out to kill me.
	Maddie did it once.
	Okay, kill him.
	But he's not scared of pit bulls.
	So he said, no, you had to be pretty quick and get her in there and then close the door.
	Damn.
	No, thanks.
	I'm out of here.
	Bye.
	Bye-bye.
	Bye, everybody.
	Home to mommy.
	By the way, I have an update on the mantis shrimp.
	I took it out of your hands.
	I did it myself.
	I hooked up with a gorgeous guy and I fucked him.
	Wait, no, that didn't go where I wanted it to go.
	I'm just trying to own the libs by showing I'm not homophobic.
	He showed me the tank.
	He's here in the Bronx.
	He's in Queens.
	But he can install it for us.
	He told me what to buy.
	And he said, we could save some money on a used thing.
	It'll take maybe $500 off or something.
	And I was feeling generous.
	I was thinking like, you know what?
	I don't even care if it's $1,500 because it's part of the show.
	And it'll be a character on the show.
	It'll be a fun part of the show.
	Guess how much it fucking ought to be?
	Oh, dude, not cheap.
	Yeah.
	Take a wild guess.
	And this isn't.
	$2,300.
	$7,600.
	And I was like, pardon et moi?
	It's not even that big.
	And if we go on a vacation, it's dead.
	It's like four feet high.
	Well, the mantis shrimp isn't much.
	Oh, okay.
	This is the tank, the saltwater system.
	So this could be one of many mantis shrimps.
	If they die, we could just be like, we fired the mantis shrimp.
	The shrimp is nothing.
	I bet it's like 200 bucks.
	Yeah.
	I hate when you try to think outside the box.
	That's the problem with being a cheap person.
	You're like, I don't care how much it costs.
	I don't care if it's $100.
	It's $10,000.
	Oh.
	Like my garage door got fixed the other day.
	It wouldn't open.
	Okay, give me a bill.
	I don't even care.
	It's a garage door.
	We need one.
	Okay, sir, it's $830.
	Wow.
	Because they had to replace the whole coil springs along the top.
	Divided by what?
	$800 divided by five?
	You know, one time they were shooting Boardwalk Empire outside my house in Williamsburg.
	Brooklyn.
	And I saw the corner store, which had been abandoned.
	And here it was thriving.
	And they had signs up.
	And it said, sandwich and a soup, 50 cents.
	And I was like, now we're talking.
	And it was like coffee, one nickel.
	And I'm like, yeah, finally, some reasonable prices in Williamsburg.
	Gavin, it's meant to look like a 1920s restaurant.
	You're on a movie set, dumbass.
	The only time I thought prices were reasonable is when I was 100 years off.
	That's good for a Scottish man.
	Yeah, your boy Small Balls did a really good thing on the Boardwalk Empire set.
	Oh, yeah?
	This is like just the set thing.
	They probably filmed all over the place.
	Great show.
	Great show.
	I fell out.
	I am in love.
	And I hope you watched the thing about Pam.
	Did you, Ryan?
	No.
	I did not.
	Did you, folks at home?
	Pretty good, right?
	I told you.
	But I've just discovered a brand new show called Better Call Saul.
	And I'm up to like the 10th episode now.
	I'm loving it.
	So you like your prices of food to be from 100 years ago and your shows that are newly discovered from about 100 years ago.
	Yeah.
	You know what's brilliant about it, too, is he's a scumbag, hustler, Ratzo Rizzo, with a heart of gold.
	Yeah.
	And you think that of Tony Soprano when you first watch it.
	And then when you re-watch the series years later, you go, as Anthony Cummy points out, you go, this guy's a fucking cocksucker.
	I hate him.
	He's evil.
	So maybe I'll get that with...
	It doesn't take you out of it that you knew the guy.
	Isn't that weird?
	I don't know if I'd be able to get lost in a fiction if I knew the man.
	It does pop into my head, but it kind of helps because I know Bob has always had big problems with his shithead father.
	So I think what he's doing is this is therapy for him.
	I think the thing about Bob and David, by the way, I was thinking of this last night as I watched the show at GazTav.
	They are both deeply, deeply scarred by the negligence of their fathers.
	David's father walked out when he was 13.
	He's a shithead hustler, compulsive liar, loser, drifter, shitstain, scumbag.
	And Bob Odenkirk's daughter, Bob Odenkirk's father is exactly the same story.
	I don't think he took off.
	Probably would have been better if Odenkirk Sr. took off.
	But he's just a loser-drunk who hung around a bar all day, unemployed, losers at the bar.
	Like Joe Tonelli would be his friend.
	This is the kind of guy he was.
	So David's politics are very anti-white male dad, anti-American, anti-South too, because he also moved to the South from New York and they called him Jew York.
	So he hates Southerners and he hates patriarchy.
	He hates patriarchy.
	That's why he hates Trump.
	Similarly, Bob Odenkirk hates, you know, the archetypal Archie Bunker dad type, which is also why he hates Trump.
	But I think in Better call Saul, Odenkirk is trying to humanize his father and show that a scumbag rat can also be a good person.
	And I think that's Bob Odenkirk's therapy because he wants to stop hating his father because he's so angry.
	At David's wedding, we were leaving the outdoor thing.
	My job at David's wedding, by the way, was to wear a kilt, dress all Scottish, and sing in Chinese.
	Wao Ching Lu, Sao Nao Chu, as David came out.
	That's awesome.
	And then so we're leaving and I have a bottle of whiskey and I say to Bob, do you want a swig?
	And then as he's swigging it, I go, wait a minute, you don't drink.
	And he goes, nope.
	My daddy drank a lot.
	And no, he goes, nope.
	And he gives me the back and he goes, my daddy loved booze and we didn't love him.
	And he walked up the hill.
	Anyway, so me knowing him or having hung out with him a few times kind of makes it better.
	That's cool.
	But I've noticed, I've learned in America, it's such a movie and show heavy country where you know, like, I saw a whole thread on Liz Pemp.
	What the fuck was her name?
	Liz Plank or something?
	Liz Kemp, Lisa.
	I forget her fucking name.
	She's an actress?
	Yeah, she was in like some Bruce Willis movie where they buried a body.
	And anyway, it was about like, hey, few people know that she's the reason that Ferris Bueller was this or she cheated on this guy with this movie.
	But then another movie, she cheated on the different guy.
	And you're like, who?
	Why do you fucking care?
	And you see a movie in America and the credits roll and no one leaves.
	They're all watching the credits.
	It's almost like we're in Hollywood and we all work there.
	And you listen to the radio and they're like, fucking the new Harry Potter grossed 20 million this weekend and Father, what's his name?
	Father Stew only grossed 1.7 million and the Dumbledore movie cost 200 million to make and we're all intimately involved with the mechanisms of cinema and the whole economy of it all.
	We're behind the curtain and so, you know, I've learned to watch movies like I'm a fucking boom operator.
	And I'm just watching a guy I know in a movie and noticing the cinematography.
	It took me about 10 years to get used to.
	Because in Canada and Britain, we're just like, dance for me, silly clown.
	And then when he's done, we walk away.
	We don't pay attention to what his name is or anything.
	All right, let's do the final video.
	This made me laugh.
	I call it we out of here.
	Short and sweet.
	Yes, my tie is made by J Press.
	Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	The Bootapics have taken over.
	They've taken over.
	Rapuna pics have taken over.
	Taken over the asylum.

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