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March 21, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:31:40
S4E98 - WOMEN IN SPORTS
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Time Text
That was Sorry for the Mess, I believe from the album Sorry for the Mess by the Saints of 35th Street.
I think they're a New York band that moved to Dallas.
Great band.
Fans of the show.
Donated to Joe Biggs.
And they kind of remind me of Stiff Little Fingers.
That song Straw Dogs.
Dogs of Straw.
Very anthemic, which is always good to see.
You don't really get that much here in New York, in America.
That's more of a British thing.
Great band.
Good stuff.
Speaking of Joe Biggs, I wasn't blown away with what we raised.
We raised $650 with the live streams and $2,100 on the Give, Send, Go.
So I think we should give it another week.
But this is a guy who's raising his daughter, single dad, totally fucked over by the Jan 6 crew.
They want to take it to the Supreme Court.
They want to make this a big deal.
He didn't break anything.
Doors open, everyone screaming, running around.
Yeah, he shouldn't have gone in.
You're right.
Let's give this guy, let's throw the book at him.
I want him to pay over $300.
And what should we do for jail time?
He should spend the night in the local jail.
No, that seems a bit rich.
Well, he pissed all over the place.
He went there, pissed on it.
No, no, he went in there and used the fucking bathroom, the men's.
He stayed within the velvet ropes.
This is not an insurrectionist, but he's been away from his daughter for a year and not just locked up, but locked in the shoe, solitary confinement.
This was a regular contributor to our network, if you recall.
He had a show on this network.
He also worked at InfoWars.
Another little piece of info about Joe Biggs.
He has a purple heart.
He was in a Humvee that blew up.
He saw his pen in slow motion as the Humvee spun through the air and went 360.
He was staring at his pen in slow motion.
This is a man who fought for us, was willing to die for us, because after 9-11, he was a changed man.
And what do we do?
Oh, well, fuck you.
Shouldn't have done that.
Vandalism and trespassing is a misdemeanor.
You pay a fine.
You might get community service.
You don't spend a year in the shoe.
And you know the rationale?
You know why they're putting him in the shoe?
Because if they let him in general population, he'll start a revolution and a prison riot because he's Shea Guevara.
They're lying.
It's not like they're paranoid and they're pussies.
No, no, no.
They know what's going on.
They just like that the political, what's the word I'm looking for?
Accoutrement, the political pedigree you get from pretending that this guy is going to kill us all.
You can tell he dyes his beard there.
So yeah, check out his gives and go.
Throw him 20 bucks today, please.
We got to do better than 2,000.
It's going to cost like a million.
So 20,000 wouldn't be great, but it's consequential and it shows people that he cares and it can get his lawyer through the next few months.
Two grand?
Not so much.
I've been a dick this week.
I thought you should know, Ryan.
Really?
Yeah.
How so?
My new mantra is fuck you.
I hate you.
I'm still mad about St. Patrick's Day.
I found out his reason for taking so long to call me was he finally got a date and he's with a lady.
That's no excuse.
Bros before hoes.
Yeah, bros before hoes.
Thank you.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
So I told him to go fuck himself.
I'm never, ever going to any of his things ever again.
You're still going to the gym?
Yes.
Is that going to make for an awkward gym experience?
Well, today I walk into the gym and he goes, fucking dick.
Whoa.
And I said, oh, hello.
Like, hello, Newman, kind of a thing.
So I was being kind of comical, but still.
But I think it's a good message.
You have to dictate a way that you're treated.
Don't let people walk all over you.
So if that means you have to be an asshole and get called a dick when you go to the gym, do it.
Here's another example.
My wife didn't want to fuck me the other last week.
And we had the whole house to ourselves.
I had a plan to beat the band.
It could have been a pornographic film.
It involved outfits.
And oh my word, it was going to be so rude.
I won't even bring it up here because your ears will burn off.
And she's like, nah, I got to have a shower.
I'm going to walk the dog.
What?
So that was Thursday.
I'm still mad.
Monday, have barely spoken to her.
And here's my new thing.
That's not new.
I did it last year.
I'm going on strike.
Sex is like not a big deal.
You heard it here first, folks.
Lots of big commitments this week.
I committed to spend $100 on every Mets game.
I'm betting on the Mets on the money line every single game.
If they lose every single game, I will be out $16,000.
I am never going to financially recover from this.
I know it's weird to ask for money for Joe Biggs and then say I'm risking $16K.
Obviously, they're not going to lose every game.
I'll probably break even.
I could lose maybe $1,000.
And I'll be giving Joe Biggs a lot more than $1,000.
And I have donated tens upon tens of thousands to Barrie Sprout Boys and their causes.
But this is a very strange strike to go on because you're in a situation where the boss doesn't need you.
This is like Ryan threatening to go on strike and saying he's never going to drink beer with me.
I had a beer for St. Patty's Day.
Right.
So I would probably notice in about three years.
Yeah.
I'd go like, dude, what's up?
You never have a beer.
Like, if we went on a trip, I'll drink on trips.
Like Orlando, I drank.
But if I didn't drink there, you would have probably noticed.
You'd have been like, it would take months to notice.
Yeah.
Wait, these are my wrong glasses.
Oh, for a fucking thing.
Oh, well.
It would take me months to notice.
And that's, it might, it may be months, this strike.
Pretty scary, huh?
I am done.
You're done.
I'm done.
You think she'll complain and be like, hey.
She might miss the attention, right?
And women know that sex is an integral part of marriage and that's an integral part of their...
But they know that it's a thing that should be done.
They don't dislike it.
But it's like water.
It's like a chore.
Like you should drink it.
And if you don't drink any, you're not going to be doing very well in the long run.
But it's not like, oh yeah, give me some of that sweet wahwah.
It's like taking out the trash.
Exactly.
But your bag of trash is full.
I think it's a little more fun.
I would like to think it's a little more fun than lifting a bag of rotten food.
That almost seems easier.
You just tie that sucker up and chuck it out.
I would be pretty disappointed if that's where the analogy ends.
He's got to take out the trash.
My bag is full of trash and it needs to be removed.
Take out the become a cum dumpster and take out the trash.
Then I had a fight with my dad, too.
I'm officially not easy to get along with.
I'm down to one friend and he's a murderer who has my throat here tattooed on his hand.
You're not my friend.
You're my employee.
I count too.
No, we're not friends.
Well, when it comes to dog watching, babysitting, it seems like we're kind of in the friend zone.
That's my employee.
You watch your employee.
So as part of your employer package, you watch my baby?
That's part of the...
That's my godchild to be.
I don't know.
And then I was talking to my dad on the phone last night, and he's like, oh, that's Ukraine, that's Putin.
I go, I don't even know what's going on, dude.
I go, I think 40% of it is real, and 60% is fake news.
I also don't know about this Zelensky guy.
He's got like a $35 million mansion in Miami.
How the fuck do you spend $35 million on a house?
That's just a hotel.
Like, it's got to have 50 rooms.
I never quite got mansions, by the way.
Say you have 27 rooms.
How could they all be full?
You have a bunch of people over?
Okay.
Now you live in a hotel.
And how do you eat with 27 people?
A big, long, long, long, long, long, long, long dining room table?
Well, that's stupid now.
You can't talk to that guy over there.
He's like 15 people away.
So you're just talking to these four.
So you have all these extraneous human beings wandering around your life.
And then the other option is you just have a giant fucking house that's outside, but inside.
You know what I mean?
Like your dining room is what, a football field?
Okay.
You must hate being outside.
I don't understand what you're doing.
It just doesn't make any sense to me.
Anyway, you know, he's got that going on.
He's made all his money as a Russian folk hero, playing a character that is now the real guy.
This is the problem with getting involved in international shit, too.
You don't know the culture.
It's sort of like history, like taking down these statues.
You go, oh, Queen Victoria, she forced the Chinese to do opium.
She's a drug dealer.
Her statues should be taken down.
We should change the name of this Victoria Hall or whatever.
Okay, that sounds probably true.
I don't know how it was back then in 1900.
I don't know.
So now this Ukraine things, this is finally the political divide in the family that you've been able to avoid with your parents.
This whole time.
Now it's Ukraine.
Well, he kept saying, you're saying conspiracy theories.
I'm like, dad, only faggots say conspiracy theories.
What's the matter with conspiracy theories?
They're great.
But yeah, Queen Victoria.
I don't know what life was like back then.
It's a whole different, like you got to put on different glasses.
Oh, okay.
So it's 1900.
You have 12 kids.
Two are just going to die.
That's a thing.
They just die, polio, whatever.
These wars that we have, this colonization, it does look bad from 2022 to go back, but I don't know, were we starving?
Would we have, you know, like think of the poverty they had back then.
Even Queen Victoria, she had to wake up and sit on a freezing cold bedpan to take a shit.
There's no IC, no heating.
You don't know the perspective everyone had back then.
Yeah, Christopher Columbus did cut out people's tongues.
That's what you did.
The tribes that he met were eating each other.
When he showed up to the Caribbean, they said, hey, can you help us with this tribe?
They won't stop eating us.
Different world.
So I don't know what's going on with Ukraine.
This Zelensky looks like an oligarch to me.
I'm not getting involved.
Can't they both lose?
It Seems to me Putin could just say, promise you won't join NATO and give me these ethnically Russian spots and we're good.
And I won't kill anyone.
People are definitely dying, by the way.
I'm not denying that.
So yeah, at the gym this morning, this buddy of mine goes, 40% of people are right-wing.
40% of people are left-wing.
Right?
No, maybe he said 30.
Yeah, that's it.
30% are right-wing, 30% are left-wing.
The other 40%, or as Dr. Joe Biden would say, the other 50%, because her PhD had a bunch of mathematical mistakes like that.
She kept going over 100%.
The other 40% are just trying to get along.
They're just getting along to get along.
They're just cruising.
And I think this goes with signs on lawns, too.
Like when you, he was up in New Hampshire and he saw signs on lawn said Black Lives Matter and a rainbow thing.
And then the next one said Trump 2024 and America, fuck you.
And like these sign wars that are going on all over America.
But yes, some of those people are radical lefties and radical righties, but some of them are just putting up the sign because they were told to.
It seems like the right thing to do, and they don't want to be the one house without a Black Lives Matter sign.
Okay.
They're weak.
And they're getting, I think that percentage of weakness is increasing.
So it's 30 right, 30 left, 40 pussies.
I think before it was like 10 pussies.
Like if they came to your house and said, hey, can you put up a sign for this commissioner or this guy running for Congress?
My mother would just say, absolutely no, it go fuck yourself.
When we had Jehovah's Witness come to the door, dude, I asked you to fix those cords like 10 times.
I'll fix them today.
We had a major problem on Friday.
Apologies to everybody.
Oh, yeah, we couldn't upload.
Yep.
There was like 20 things.
That's why Infowars wasn't uploaded.
I did a spot on Infowars, which ended with Alex saying, come to Austin and run my network.
Oh, aye.
Not literally run his network, but, you know, host because he's got to, I don't know, get his ingrown toenails removed or something.
But I said, sure, I'd love to.
And then the producer goes, nah, that's not happening.
What?
Okay, I guess I won't put on my cowboy boots and head to Texas.
But it will happen eventually.
So anyway, that's down the line.
But the reason I bring up this pussy thing is because I saw this article, 1-2, where a high school in, where is it now?
Poughkeepsie?
Poughkeepsie high school goes remote after social media threats.
Fucking grow a ball.
Someone sends you a Facebook DM saying, fuck you, I'm going to kill you, and you shut the school down?
How about someone shows up with a gun, like a dad, with a registered weapon, I mean?
A legal gun owner shows up and protects the school.
There's a famous picture, by the way, of two dads doing that, one, three.
It's actually not what you think it is.
It's a famous picture, and it's often used as proof that we used to have bigger balls.
And I used to use it as proof.
Go down?
You know that picture?
That's like, those are two dads guarding the school.
This is the first thing I thought of when I saw that article.
But it's not two dads.
It's two students.
There had been a bunch of bomb threats, and they posed for a picture for the yearbook.
So it's an exaggeration, but there was bomb threats.
And why don't we do that when there's someone threatening?
You know?
That goes back to the kids looked way older back in the day.
Yeah, that's another thing.
That's why people think it's dads because dads look way younger than that now.
And I don't mean look younger physically.
They dress younger.
Especially, sorry to say it, black people here in the Bronx.
You'll see 45-year-olds dressed like toddlers with backpacks with like, you know the fucking dude from Looney Tunes who was an alien who looks like a Spartan?
Yes.
Like that's on a backpack.
Or just a grown man with a sweatshirt on.
Yo, what's up?
Just his whole sweatshirt is SpongeBob.
The Great Gazoo.
No, that's not who I mean.
Oh, man.
And that's the Flintstones, I believe.
I said Looney Tunes.
Oh, Marvin the Martian.
Marvin the Martian, yeah.
You're a grown man.
You have Marvin the Martian?
What about you, Gavin?
You have the New York Mets.
That's a sports team.
That's different.
It's not a cartoon.
Budweiser is not for kids.
It's illegal for kids to have Budweiser.
And this is the sports episode.
Why were Looney Tunes tattoos so popular?
I don't know.
I hate them.
I think a lot of hood dudes, their lives are so horrible and everyone's dead.
So they sort of adhere to like cute Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse stuff to sort of kiddify and cutify their life.
But it doesn't translate to tattoos for some reason.
Well, I'm not voicing that correctly.
That's new topic.
I don't think Looney Tunes looks good in the tattoo world.
The only thing worse is Disney tattoos.
I don't know what it is, but Disney is so round like Mickey Mouse's ears.
It doesn't look good on skin.
Oh, I see what you mean.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lines are better on skin.
You have to find your lines.
That just looks so ugly and cheap.
You look like a super gulp cup.
And fat.
You look like a fat bitch when you have Disney tattoos, no matter who you are.
You could be a black anorexic 90-year-old man, and you look like a fat white bitch when you have those tattoos.
Speaking of kids, let's do some LGBT.
I guess we're going to start the show.
So there's two things going on here.
I don't know which one you want to do.
Why are you ugly?
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
And then we fell in love.
I never eat the poop.
And we have a very good relationship.
You don't want to see a clumpstoff picture of my animals.
You ain't gay, man.
You ugly.
How come everyone brings up the butt plug incident when I put a butt plug in my ass and no one brings up the part where I made out with Milo?
Yeah, true.
Isn't that way gayer to French a fag?
Because there's a man involved.
To French a Brit.
What's gayer to put a butt plug in your butt or to French a gay man?
Maybe they understood the message.
They were like, if it's the piss off the Taliban, I'll...
Hillary Clinton can't dance.
That's true.
I guess people hate terrorists more than terrorists.
More than psycho killers who drink baby blood, allegedly.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's so much of the American conversation right now revolving around trans kids.
And I'm here to posit there's no such thing.
I do believe you're born gay, but that doesn't mean there's gay kids.
Allow me to explain.
You're an egg.
Your sexuality is an egg.
It hasn't hatched.
It hatches when you go through puberty.
So a gay kid is an unhatched egg.
Now they're effeminate and they dance and they like show tunes.
So you can see it at a young age.
This egg is probably going to hatch a fag.
But it's not set in stone.
He could just be a feminine dude.
Similarly, you're positive this little girl is going to be a dyke.
She's a tomboy.
She likes motorcycles.
The egg hatches.
She wants a dick.
She's not a dike.
She's a tomboy.
So don't mess with the egg before it hatches.
Gay kids aren't gay.
Gay kids are just carrying around a gay egg that will probably hatch gay.
But if you mess with them and you start dealing with the eggs insides before it's hatched, you end up with scrambled eggs.
And that's what we're doing in America today.
I wish you were still in the mainstream and you could say this on Red Eye and then watch the articles.
Kids are gay eggs.
Yeah.
This is why like everyone goes, oh man, it must suck not being on Fox anymore or something.
And it's like, dude, if I was on Fox magically allowed back tomorrow, I'd be banned in a week.
Yeah.
We couldn't cuss on CRTV.
No, and look what happened to me on CR-TV.
Yeah.
Fired.
We did let cunt slip through, which is a very bad word.
So I bleeped shit and bitch.
And then I remember I was watching the episode at home.
And then I just see, she's a cunt.
And I was like, I'm fired.
Not in Australia.
The worst word.
So look at this, 1-4.
At 15 years old, I told my parents I thought I might be trans and was referred to a psychologist once my PCP was informed.
By the way, last week I met two guys who told me their sons, who my son used to hang out with, are gay.
One of them said, told his parents he's bi, and he's since changed his mind, by the way.
And then the other, he has just asked his dad for permission to put a rainbow flag in his room.
And the guy's like a blue-collar tough guy, what the fuck.
Born and raised.
Some of his relatives are known to be within the family, if you know what I mean.
Connected.
They're connected.
He let him buy the rainbow flag, by the way.
He didn't care.
No one does.
So what I'm indicating here is I think there's peer pressure to be gay as a young kid, as a 10, 11, 12, 13-year-old.
It's just what you say.
It's become the normal go-to thing.
I'm bi.
I just haven't had any dicks.
Yeah, you know how many goths weren't actually, they didn't feel goth, but they were like, this is something that could make me different.
And they just dressed goth.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It's like a fad.
It's like being punk.
I remember I went to Hot Topic to get my punk bracelet with the studs coming out.
I wasn't really feeling that, but I felt pressure.
I was like, I want to be a rocker guy.
I might have been gay if I was in school now.
You definitely would be gay.
Some fag would trick you into sucking his dick.
No.
At 15 years old, I told my percent I thought I might be trans and was referred to a psychologist once my PCP was informed.
I don't know what PCP is.
I know it's a hell of a trip.
Then at 16 years old, after only five months of therapy, I underwent a double mastectomy for gender dysphoria.
16 years old, she had her fucking tits cut off.
Talk about scrambled eggs.
I started hormones after the surgery.
What's the next one?
None of that was enough for me.
I still felt incomplete and desperate.
At 17 years old, I had implants put in my face to appear more masculine.
At 17, you can't get a tattoo till you're 18.
At 19, I detransitioned.
Primary care provider.
Just say doctor.
I had my facial implants removed.
I stopped testosterone, and now I deal with horrible health issues.
I can imagine, I've heard that the hormone blockers make you permanently infertile.
I have my oh, here's a question.
Hey, computer, how do you pronounce infertile?
I pronounce that infertile, but I'm always working on how I say things, and I might not have it right.
Oh.
Wow.
So I'm right.
It's to be not racist.
I have my breast reconstruction surgery this month.
Now, remember, when you get your tits cut off, there's all kinds of all those milk glands and shit.
So it's not like you're back to normal.
I'm hoping to move forward in life and continue advocating for children.
After my transition, I've been left with immense scarring.
Yeah.
Health issues, nerve damage, possible infertility.
I am autistic and had trauma previous to transition.
My doctors and psychologists were all informed of this, but still chose to tell my parents and myself that without transitioning, I would end up committing suicide due to my gender dysphoria.
Okay, these doctors need to go to jail.
I'm so sick of this shit.
Go to 1-4?
than the other one for?
I knew the hormones wouldn't work.
Why did they play with her life?
Bereaved mom blames LA County for her teenage daughter's suicide, claiming school pushed her to transition to a male instead of properly treating her depression.
But, like, isn't this on you, mom?
No one is fucking chopping my daughter's tits off.
No fucking way.
I don't care what the doctors say.
I wouldn't even let them take Ritalin if they were diagnosed with ADD.
I'd say that's overdiagnosed.
We all have ADD.
Have a coffee.
Go back.
You left that too soon.
Andrew Martinez, born Yael Galdamez.
Why'd she change Galdamez to Martinez?
Died by suicide at the age of 19 by stepping in front of a train.
Oh, my Lord.
So go down.
There she is, beautiful little girl.
Kind of depressed.
There she is.
Not a boy.
Just a weird lesbian.
You know, I think gays might have a high suicide rate because it just feels weird to be gay.
Like a vegetarian lion.
It might be kind of natural.
You know what I mean?
I see what you mean, yeah.
Like maybe blind people and deaf people have high suicide rates too because they're just so different from the rest of the world.
Keep going.
You're not a boy.
Not one bit.
There's the weird lesbian in the background pretending to be a boy.
You know that kind of guy.
Yeah, one of the guys.
Hey, man, you want a beer?
Hey, dude.
Got a buddy?
Guys like spiders?
That's my buddy.
Again, just a nice lesbian girl.
And they mutilated the egg before it hatched, and her scrambled eggs jumped in front of a train.
And it's all based on this assumption that there's these poor, tortured, trans kids who don't know that it's okay to be trans.
That's a sexual thing.
So you're presuming the egg has hatched.
It hasn't hatched.
Maybe that should be the name of the show.
So you're doing all this preemptive strike to prevent what happens when the egg hatches, but you're dealing with it before the egg hatched.
The egg hatches way into puberty.
First trans woman of color.
What a fucking ridiculous pile of shit.
Alejandro.
Okay, so check this out.
So they wanted to have a debate at Yale, right?
If you recall, Yale has brought us the likes of Sonia Sotomayor, Barack Obama, Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Sonia Sotomayor, by the way, who didn't get in shit for saying people think judges should be impartial and they pretend to be impartial, but that's a lie.
And I would be lying to you if I pretended I was impartial.
I come to the bench with a special perspective, being a female Latina.
So my decisions come with a female Latina influence.
In other words, I'm a shitty judge.
And she's on the Supreme Court because she's a woman of color.
And now we have a fucking pedophile.
As I was saying on Infowars, this new one, Mr. Magoo just goes, get us a black woman, I don't care.
So they get a woman who consistently pardons pedophiles, gives them a free pass.
That's what she's known for.
By the way, this is all good for us, believe it or not.
By adding a radical to the Supreme Court, you're shifting the Overton window on the end.
And semi-moderates like Kavanaugh and Roberts are not going near Jackson because she's way too much of a nut.
So she can't bridge the gap.
So they're just going to go more on the pro-life side, Christian right side.
Good, fine.
This is what's happening all over the right.
They're becoming such freaks that even, sorry, the left, that even the normal liberals can't stand them.
They're sabotaging their own party by going too woke.
Good.
Let them cannibalize each other.
But here's a perfect example of this.
So it's at Yale.
They want to have a civil debate.
No, that's not it.
I didn't mean to show that.
Actually, that's worth mentioning, though.
Little side note tangent here.
So the New York Times dared to have an article that says America has a free speech problem.
And I've noticed tons of academics, New York Times contributors and bloggers, writers, whatever the fuck these modern journalists are called, journalist activists, bitching about it.
They're really mad.
And they have these really wordy explanations on why the New York Times should never have run this article.
The New York Times editorial board thinks America has a free speech problem and presents a purely mythical idea of what free speech is.
An ahistorical tale of the country's past.
In other words, America is super racist and evil, and we have to come down hard on anyone we see as a bigot or we'll have another slavery is where these people are coming from.
And a narrative that is detached from the current reality of the political conflict.
You see, we need to be hard on these people because white supremacy is a major problem in our country.
That's why we have to be such dicks.
They also believe that free speech only applies to the government because that's the way it looks in the law books.
So I can tell Ryan not to say something, but the government can't.
No, asshole.
It doesn't matter who's doing the censoring.
The title is America Has a Free Speech Problem, and it absolutely does.
No, it's not the government shutting anything down.
I'm not even saying it's illegal, this problem.
What we're saying is the hysterical mob is out destroying the culture of America, destroying free speech.
Do you really give a shit if the government gets you fired or a mob of lunatics tweeting your job gets you fired?
You're still fired.
You're still canceled.
And to deny cancel culture, cancel culture denialism is rampant in this country.
That's another good name.
Where the left just goes, no, that's all a myth.
It just means people didn't want to work with that guy because he's a racist, transphobic, xylophobic bigot, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, that's a really ridiculous view of the world where the boss, Buffalo Bill, is grabbing, like in Dolly Parton movie 9 to 5, where he's always grabbing the secretary's asses.
That's the world you're living in.
It's not Earth.
You're not canceling that guy.
You're canceling me, Ryan, your family.
I'm noticing this too.
A lot of people are realizing, oh, shit, now that my brother's canceled or my boss is canceled or I'm canceled, you were right.
Yeah, well, I told you so.
Welcome aboard the shit train.
Here's a weird thing, by the way.
I met an old buddy that we used to hang out with that I own the restaurant with, right?
Curtis.
We used to, when I lived in New York City.
And he goes, this is so petty that I'm bringing this up, but Amber Tamlin showed me a picture of you where you looked like shit.
You look pretty good.
I thought you were going to be all bloated and old looking.
I went, why the fuck did she send you a picture of me looking bad?
Like, what are you going to do?
Go, oh, my God.
He's so ugly now.
I don't like him anymore.
What a bizarre thing to do.
Anyway, that was petty of me to even bring up.
But yeah, America absolutely has a free speech problem.
Okay, so that brings us to.
Did I make my earlier point clear?
The mob is out canceling people.
It doesn't matter who's doing the canceling.
It's happening in America, and it's a major problem.
Okay, so Yale says, let's have a debate.
I think trans was one of the things, right?
And we'll have pro-trans, anti-trans.
Sit down and discuss things.
There'll be a Q ⁇ A, point, counterpoint.
You know, the way, I'm John Malay now.
You know, what, that's what universities were designed for?
You know, like a debate.
Like, that is really the central point of university, is to get informed and hear both sides.
I think that was in the initial business plan back in fucking Greek days.
So the Yale law students, who are some of the shittiest people in the world, decide to shut it down because even hearing someone be anti-trans puts trans kids' lives in danger.
What?
No, it don't.
How are they in danger?
They're going to die?
They're going to be stabbed in the face?
Trans kids don't exist.
Gay kids sort of exist, but it's just a kid carrying an egg.
Okay, check this out.
Turn it up.
hard to hear.
I can't Turn out a girl.
What?
Are you the one who took the trap?
No, I'm going to turn the trap how female he did.
He said, and I corrected him.
Can I ask you all, as you know, Yale has a policy of freedom of speech.
Stop.
Dude, is that not amazing?
I think one of the panelists said grow up, and they all freaked out because they're babies.
They can't handle something as weak and tame as grow up.
And so it becomes self-realizing.
Yeah, you're right.
Grow up.
If you can't handle someone telling you to grow up, then they're right.
Go ahead.
We told you, Monica Miller, this is what it would be.
Will those trans kids grow up?
You guys.
Free speech is what it is.
No, no, no.
We're not just talking about the free speech.
Remind you, Yale is committed to protecting freedom of expression.
Interfering with a speaker's speech is not permitted.
So please refrain from noise, activity, or otherwise disrupting the state.
It's not hard to put the answer to that.
Professor, stand to the question.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
That's the first time I'm telling you this.
If it continues, I'll tell you again.
I have to ask you to leave or help you.
Just kick them out.
I've been through this at NYU.
They don't get better.
They're there to sabotage the thing.
I think disrespect for your elders is a huge part in this, too.
Like in Animal House, when they did their presentation, it was a proper presentation.
And it was a huge deal.
Remember where, what's his name?
He goes, well, you tell them to shut up.
They're serious now.
Right, right.
And then he goes, shut the fuck up, you morons.
He's serious.
Right.
And then everyone's going, oh, God, this is rich.
But yeah, they still followed the rules.
And I guess we missed it.
But at one point, he says, are you going to tell trans kids that their lives matter less than free speech?
Sort of.
It depends.
That's a toughie.
And did you notice when she brought up free speech at the beginning, how they all went, oh, that's where they are now.
Free speech is not a given anymore.
And it's the same with MLK, where he says, judge you by the content of their character.
They go, oh, identity politics has trumped MLK and free speech, both of which are intrinsic not just to America, but to Western culture.
The idea of you being judged by the content of your character goes back to the Magna Carta.
It's an Integral part of Western culture.
You're welcome to be outside as long as you don't disrupt the event.
And you're welcome to stay and listen and to ask questions when we get to discussion period of the event.
It says silence equals death.
That's ironic.
Aren't you asking for silence?
I'm trying to talk, bitch.
Stop.
That is so idiotic.
Silence equals death is a gay anthem from the AIDS days.
And it means not being honest about who you are and telling people that you're gay and acknowledging that we have a serious disease within our community will lead to more people getting AIDS.
It doesn't mean you can't debate trans kids.
That marriage is going to last about a year.
But yeah, cry it up, Homo.
Is that it?
Yep.
Okay.
Which brings us to, of course, an exciting moment.
Rachel Levine was our own...
She's got like corporal deputy of the...
It's like the top military general of health.
What does that mean?
You're on the battlefield working the triage, defining what gets triage, what doesn't?
Look up Rachel Levine's actual title.
Look, she's got medals all over her.
Thank you, USA Today, for recognizing me as one of the courageous women of the year.
Such an honor.
My definition of courage, be true to yourself, be true to who you are, and then pay that forward by doing work for the common good.
So it's two things.
You've got to be yourself.
Basically, her definition of courage is herself.
My definition of courage, be an old Jewish guy with funny teeth who gets fake tits and affirmative actions his way to the top of the assistant secretary for health to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Oh, excuse me.
Admiral.
Oh, Admiral.
She's an admiral.
So is it a military position?
I've talked to people in the military about this, and they are profoundly confused.
Note, when I'm confused about something, I've looked into it, and it is confusing.
Like sewing machines.
Those defy physics.
I don't understand them.
Nobody does.
God made a mistake when he made sewing machines and he accidentally let a magic thing exist.
If physics departments were honest about sewing machines, there'd be no physics departments in the world because physics has been disproven by sewing machines.
They're not real.
They're magic.
I'm a flat earther when it comes to sewing machines.
What's that?
It's a before.
No, it's not.
It's not.
It can't be.
I know what he looked like before.
Huh.
It says...
What does the caption say?
That's not him.
Just make the hair short.
And then you got the before.
So basically that.
That.
That's what he's always looked like.
That's not a before and after.
Imagine.
Wow, actually, how did you become a dog?
But anyway, all of this brings us to something we've wanted to do for a while, and that is discuss these incredible women in sports.
So let's wander over to the green screen room and get into it.
We shall.
Who the hell is one everybody?
Hey, folks.
All right.
We're here.
We're ready.
Let's do this.
Let's do the top 10 women in sports.
Oh, don't give up on me.
Don't let me know I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side.
Do you love me?
Can you love me?
Isn't that inspiring?
We worked very hard on this, and I would say the hardest thing about this was not getting a hard on because the top 10 women in America are the top 10 women in world sports, coincidentally.
And it's not easy not to get horny.
I was getting a fucking wood this whole time.
So let's start with the number one woman in the world in sports.
She just broke the 500-meter freestyle national record championships in 2022, NCAA.
These sports all have very long names.
I'm not that familiar of sports outside of my Mets, and even then I'm kind of a poser.
But yeah, very specific.
So 2022, Leah Thompson, there she is.
I've got some footage of her actually swimming.
Oh, yeah, she beat the shit out of this cunt, Kate Ziegler.
Every woman we're listing here has smashed records.
They come out of nowhere and they just destroy the sport, which makes you think that women could be doing a lot better if they needed to.
Now, look at her form.
You can play the volume on this one, Ryan.
You hear them talking?
And you can see the strokes, the powerful stroke of Leah Thomas, where there isn't a whole lot of movement in her leg.
See that?
Not only are these women fantastic athletes, but they all have this incredible style, their own je s'est qui.
And what I love about Leah Thompson is she doesn't really kick her gorgeous gams.
She is mostly about the stroke.
She's about stroking it and stroking it slow and long hard.
Look at her go.
Look at her legs are barely moving.
They're sort of trailing behind her like the tails of a kite.
But her arms are what really make her number one.
If I got a picture of her, yeah, look how pretty she is.
Not in this one.
That one.
So number two, this one, confession alert.
I have had a crush on this Nubian princess since I first heard of her a couple years ago.
She's not far from here, by the way.
She's in Connecticut.
And she is unfathomably talented.
She's an absolute demon with the sprinting, I guess.
Maybe that's 500 yards or something.
Oh, this is her and her friend, Terry Miller.
Both of these girls are dominating this one school in Connecticut.
They're absolutely killing it.
That's her there.
Have you got number two, though, have you got footage of her doing an interview where she talks about the various outfits she would wear?
Number two.
Yeah.
It's right under the name.
Yeah, there she is.
If you cut forward a little bit, you can see her.
Yeah.
Look at this.
You know who she reminds me of is Hallie Berry.
Do you see that?
Look at her.
And that's taken off since then.
Imagine just making out with her.
Quickly, the story caught on not only locally, but even nationally.
And with the story came the comments, the tweets.
Yeah, we don't need to hear about comments and tweets.
We just want to see that gorgeous babe.
Yum Alert.
I wish she was running into my pants right now.
Let's hear her talk.
Because, like, I guess it's not that serious.
Andrea's mother reacted how any mother would react.
The mama bear comes out to me oftentimes.
So, yeah.
So I sort of lumped number three in with Andrea because they're inseparable, these two girls.
Terry Miller and Andrea are both, I would say, the top athletes in the Northeast as far as sprinting goes.
Absolutely incredible.
So we sort of skipped there, right?
We showed you Terry Miller in that footage where we had the two circles, right?
And now let's jump to number four because we're not just talking about one sport here.
Women are dominating.
And it seems like, especially in the past few years, there's record-breaking athletes on a daily basis.
It seems.
When I saw Leah Thompson, I went, oh, you smashed the 500-meter freestyle competition.
You smashed all the records.
Wait a minute.
That's like the 10th record I've heard of in the past two years getting smashed.
Now I know what you're thinking.
Steroids.
No, these women are not testing positive for drugs.
I believe women are finally getting their shit together.
And sisters are doing it for theyselves.
So this is Lauren Hubbard.
Laurel, sorry, Laurel Hubbard.
She's way down there in New Zealand.
Did I say America?
Okay, there's some people that aren't in.
I count New Zealand and Australia as America because they were some of the earliest colonies.
I think they bought them back in 1792.
Look at her go.
Talk about, I used to think Maoris were the toughest thing about New Zealand.
No, it's their woman.
Look at this bitch.
Come on, lady, use those gorgeous legs.
And she's up.
She is up.
Look at her go.
And she broke the records for, she won silver at the 2017 World Championships, gold at the 2019 Pacific Games in Samoa after having sustained a broken arm at the 2018 Commonwealth Games in Australia.
So she lifted so much weight, she broke her arms.
Then the next year she goes in and wins fucking gold.
You know what's next for her?
Diamonds.
You know why?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend, and I'm going to propose to her.
Because the only thing more exciting than watching her lift is seeing her lift her bikini on.
What?
Now let's go over to Canada.
Okay, I changed my mind about America.
These are the best athletes in the world.
Okay?
Now this is Veronica Ivey, and she broke the F35 to 39 female.
I guess it's females aged 35 to 39.
200 meter TT, the titty world record.
She did it in 11 seconds.
She went 200 meters in 11 seconds.
I guess she's just getting revved up there.
Look at her go.
Look at those legs.
It's amazing to think that those legs wear fishnets in the day with high-heel shoes.
And then those same fucking gams hop on a bike and break world records.
Again, we've expanded this from America to the whole world live in the segment.
So God bless you, Veronica.
Have you got any more pictures of her?
She is a smoke show.
And she's kind of my type, if I'm honest with you.
I kind of like the punky chicks.
And she's got like purple hair and stuff.
There she is.
Let's hear her talk.
Men are always stronger than women.
And so if you think about it.
Okay, so we don't want to hear that shit.
We just want to see her be a hot smoke show.
That's an actual woman.
I mean, it is a not athletic woman.
I don't like that.
I like that.
That's my kind of shit.
Look how fun she is, too.
And you'll note, girls don't have to wear makeup all the time.
They're not your slaves.
So that's number five.
Number six, this woman, Cece Tesla.
Cece.
She's a 2019 NCAA woman's D2.
Remember, I was talking about how specific these things are?
Our 400-meter hurdles national champion.
Look how hot she is.
Yum.
What is she saying here?
Something sexy.
I knew that going into the finals, I was pretty strong in it.
I have to feed her out.
Pretty single.
And empowering and just free.
As far as my teammates and coaches, like I said before, like we've been waiting for this.
She's so good.
Look at that.
You're never that person.
way ahead of all those other.
I think a lot of girls are lazy.
And what you were seeing here is women finally trying at something.
And the other lazy bitches are left behind going, oh shit, we have to get up early and stuff.
A lot of these hurdlers have never even tried before.
That must be her with her son that came out of her vagina, I guess.
It was kind of surprising.
Number seven, always a favorite, Mary Gregory.
Now, powerlifting isn't in the Olympics, but she did still consistently break all world records for women's powerlifting.
This insane smoke show.
Can you pull her up at some point there?
There she is.
Look at her go.
I think these records were easy to break because a lot of the previous women were being lazy sluts and they were too busy watching real housewives to actually practice.
You finally get someone who tries.
I don't think that's her.
And you end up with real records.
Look at this girl go.
Look at her.
Push it, Mary.
Push it.
Good.
There you go.
I bet she has an amazing ass from all those squats.
There she goes, boys.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
Girls are better than boys.
sorry that's kind of the takeaway here uh next of course we have not we we I think girls make excellent fighters.
This is Anna McLaughlin.
McLaughlin?
McLaughlin.
McLaughlin?
I'm Scottish and I can't pronounce the Scottish name.
Sometimes they do pronounce the G, sometimes they don't.
Can we hear the commentary?
See, it's more like she's throwing and she backs off.
She's continuing to get her.
So that's the one in the pink.
This is her MMA debut, and she totally smashes the face in of her opponent.
Thank God.
I love watching two women fight because that's what this is.
It's a woman fighting a woman.
She still has that shy, coy, kind of girly demeanor about her.
Yeah.
But she's also vicious.
She doesn't have the confidence of a man.
No, she's like, can I hit you?
But she does not ask for permission.
She just takes it.
Still very ladylike.
She seems to be taking punches to the face on purpose.
Which I'm not familiar with that technique.
I don't know why she is.
Because you're hurting your opponent's hands.
Maybe.
Okay.
Yeah, she kind of leans into the punches as if to say, good job.
I think now she's had enough.
And she gets the knee in there a few times.
Women don't have the same upper body strength as men, so they'll be using their knees a lot.
Which brings us to...
We can see that stupid loser bitch covered in blood with our beloved Alana on top of her.
It's kind of rare when you get hit that the other fighter just holds their head and says, ow, wait, hold on.
Usually they just kind of roll with, literally roll with a bunch of how good Alana is.
Her trademark is overhand rights.
There she is, just splitting open the face of her opponent.
And then we got a millisecond over there.
There she is.
Hi, sweetheart.
And on the podcast back in July of some other gorgeous babe.
If we're going to talk about MMA, of course we can't miss out on our number one favorite female fighter of all time, Ms. Fallon Fox, who is a fox, the aptly named epinomous fox.
And this is a fight with some lazy girl, some lazy black girl who didn't practice enough.
And there we go.
Did you catch that?
This is a woman using her knee to knock out her opponent.
See, down with the head, up with the knee.
Good night.
Sweet dreams, bitch.
Again, ladies, these past two years have finally shown women what they can do.
And they're learning that they weren't trying.
The reason that woman was knocked out and has an ice pack on her head is because she was being lazy.
She wasn't trying her.
Fallon busted her ass.
Fallon busted her own ass and then kicked the ass of her opponent.
Let's hear her talk.
Did you like that?
Yeah!
And I want to tell everyone else, I'm coming in this tournament.
Don't you wish that that was going into your ear holes during bedtime?
And then number 10, Blast from the Past, our favorite female athlete of all time outside of Leah Thompson.
We will always include her in any kind of list of incredibly successful athletic women.
And that is, of course, Australia's Hannah Mouncey.
All 6'3, 250 pounds of her.
She's playing, skip ahead here.
You can see her playing handball.
That was her forte.
That's a big thing with them.
I don't really get the game.
It's sort of like, there she is.
That's her waving.
Which one is she?
She's hard to spot, but that's her there.
Oh, okay, number six.
That was a New Zealand flag, wasn't it?
No, it was Australia.
Just unbelievable finesse.
Always ladylike, very polite.
She understands the game.
Oh, this was her on 60 Minutes, right?
Is this my link or yours?
This is mine.
Okay.
Well, if you go to my link, there she is.
This is my favorite moment of hers.
Just dominating in handball, smashing records, bringing her team to the finals.
And look at that throw.
No one can compete with Hannah.
You know why?
Because Hannah works hard.
Girls, you got to get off your ass.
You need to try.
The reason these records are being broken is because a handful of women are finally standing up for themselves and actually trying to do something.
You other girls are being lazy bitches and whores.
They didn't note that all of the trans athletes, another one of their feats, having the largest clitorises in their division, which is.
They don't mention it, but it's.
From now on, anyone who is excited about these women in sports has to fuck one.
And I would prefer you did the last one, Hannah Mouncey.
If you think that Hannah Mouncey is a fantastic female athlete, you have to have sex with her.
New rule.
One thing I want to note, though, before...
Oh, I could have him ready in seconds.
Okay, well, first I want to cover this, though.
1-9.
Women are not perfect, and some of them, okay, all of them, have trouble holding their liquor.
You know, drunk guys occasionally get violent.
Not really.
They tend to get too repetitive, and then they fall asleep.
Drunk women, however, go nuts.
They get hysterical.
And this woman, drinker thrown out of pub, paraded down Hanley Street.
So this woman, Shay Sims is her name, was kicked out of a bar.
She got wasted.
And the saddest part of this was as she was walking down the street, her penis was hanging out.
There she is.
Women will get so drunk, they let their dick hang out of their skirt.
And that's something that has to change.
So though I do love female athletes, and we just showcased 10 of the best, I also want to show you that there's some yin and yang there.
And a lot of women will get so drunk, they forget that their dick is out.
Yin and wang.
Yin and wang.
You know, I was on my way to look up the uncensored clip of this act, and I just lost interest for some reason.
Oh, that's weird.
I can't tell you why.
Maybe the mask.
The bright side, if you want to see a chick's dick, get her drunk.
Anyway, can you get Crip on the line?
I miss him.
I miss him too.
It's important that I speak to him immediately.
He must be spoken with.
And spoken to.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Takes him a second.
Hannah Mountie.
6'2, 250 pounds.
I'm 5'10.5, 192 pounds.
I think Hannah could beat me up.
But I could beat up Crip Daddy.
That's true.
Especially if he's playing Elden Ring.
Elden Ring.
See, it's okay that he plays video games.
He literally can't move.
Oh, he could hear you.
Oh, ha ha.
Hi.
I can move.
Well, not a lot.
I'd like to play video games.
How do you do that?
You use your hands or your toes?
My penis.
So we were just showcasing a bunch of fantastic female athletes, Leah Thompson being our favorite one with her amazing long stroke.
But we were also saying you have to watch out with a lot of these women because when they get drunk, they let their penises hang out.
Yeah, that's true.
I remember the first time I saw my first lady penis.
I miss my dad every day.
Would you be mad if I entered the Special Olympics?
No, you're overqualified.
Thank you.
You're more retarded than anybody I know.
Have you ever seen the criteria they have for the Special Olympics?
It's so bizarre.
No, the closest thing that I have ever gotten to the Special Olympics was going to see The Ringer.
The Ring?
The Ringer?
Oh, right.
Yes.
With Johnny Knoxville.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that movie did really badly.
I loved it.
I thought it was great.
Yeah, it was good.
I think people can't handle people with Down syndrome, so they'd rather.
The new liberal thing is like, I don't want to offend anyone, so just get rid of them.
Oh, yeah, it was like that.
Even in like when I went to high school, I wasn't a part of the special needs program, but I rode the same short bus as them.
And it was like they had the black leg.
Nobody interacted with them at all.
Really?
How did you do?
I was great.
I was kind of a, everybody loved me because I was funny.
Huh.
And they just didn't want to go near them because they were scared.
That's always something I always believed.
Like, back when I was a kid in the 70s, retards were everywhere.
Yeah.
And you joke around with them.
You'd even sort of make fun of them, not in a mean way, but like, there's fucking Eddie with his hat on sideways again.
Yeah.
And they loved being part of.
I remember there was this kid, a retard named Fat Pat, we called him.
He was a fat guy named Pat.
And we'd always pretend he could beat us up.
He was a big, huge guy.
He probably could, but he would like hit us, and then we would go flying and smash into lockers and stuff.
And he would be laughing his fucking head off.
Yeah, no.
You would play the fire with that shit, dude.
That's retard string.
God damn.
They really didn't care back then.
Yeah.
What about the thing, though, where they have special needs kids as like the king of the prom king and all that?
Oh, I hate that shit.
That's the stuff that pisses me off more than anything, especially because it's always like, oh, we let him get the homecoming touchdown.
It's like, no, you didn't.
You just fucking wanted to feel good about yourself for a minute, so you let the kid with Down syndrome get that touchdown.
I hate that shit, too.
It's so, like that when they have an MMA fight in the octagon, and there's some special needs kid beating the living shit out of Conor McGregor or something, and you go, who are you helping?
Like, this is just, I get when it's a four-year-old and you convince him he's Batman and he saves the city because he has cancer and he's going to die in a week.
Okay, go nuts.
But when you have adults with Down syndrome beating the shit out of their guy, it's just, it's pandering.
I don't know.
I didn't like that Batman kid.
He was a fucking nerd.
I was actually robbing a bank that day and I was shit scared that he was going to catch me.
And you have to shoot him.
It's just appropriate.
Then we had at a baseball Game, there was a guy who was like that level of like speech impairment, and he sang the national anthem.
So he's like, and you're like, that's like the Down syndrome model that was the Victoria's Secret chick.
Yeah, no, it's funny you mentioned that.
I discovered a whole rabbit hole of like people with Down syndrome that are like into drag in England.
It's a huge thing.
Yeah, it's called drag syndrome.
It's in Britain.
It's so fucking, I just discovered that.
And it feels dirty.
It does.
Like it feels very weird.
Like when your kid has like a fucking dildo and you're like, you don't want to make a big scene?
So you kind of like, put that down.
You know, you just feel dirty about it.
Yeah, drag, the whole point of drag is like, I'm not ashamed to be gay anymore.
In fact, I love it.
Hey, world.
Okay, I understand that.
Whether that's good or bad is irrelevant.
That's just the premise, right?
But finding someone with Down syndrome is hard.
There's like one per village max.
But you assembled all these.
So you must have had to get like 100% of the Down syndrome people in all of like South Britain, you know, like Liverpool down.
And they all are secretly gay?
I don't think so.
I felt like it was a prank that just developed into a movement of like, hey, I bet we could make him think he's gay.
Well, then it turned into this.
The beauty of it is assholes like you and me are now being amused.
I mean, that's the kind of thing that we would do just because we're evil human beings.
And now the social justice warriors are doing pranks that are a little bit more evil than our wildest dreams.
It's insane.
Another thing I noticed is that British people with Down syndrome just sound like normal, tired British people.
But Americans with Down syndrome, they sound really fucked up, like you said.
So I think the only conclusion is that British people are just naturally retarded.
Yeah.
Well, they're smarter, too.
They sound smart.
So their retards are like you and I. Yeah, that makes sense.
But another thing that's like this is when they have like some hideous fat pig and she's the prom queen or on like the cover of Vogue.
If we were like mean jocks, right?
Oh, I remember there was one thing where they had this fat girl and she would dress up like all the Disney princesses, right?
Snow White and all that shit.
And the premise of her little performance art thing was, I'm just as pretty as these girls, but she just looked like a pig in lipstick.
So if we were like mean jocks, we go, hey, let's dress up that fat chick like Snow White and we can laugh at how fat she is.
And then the woke people are doing it for us.
And we're like, wow, you guys are a little meaner than us, but okay, I'll take it.
Yeah, I'm not mad about it.
This is a win for everybody involved.
Yeah.
They're appealing to our darkest, darkest senses of humor.
And I'm here for it.
All right, buddy.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Can you come back tomorrow?
Absolutely.
All right.
I love you.
Love you more.
Goodbye.
I love you too.
Mark my words.
I'm going to fuck that kid this year.
Damn.
Gonna have sex with him.
I think he's in Chicago.
I'd like it to be consensual, but I will rape him if he says no.
That's going to be.
That is a commitment we are making on the show today.
Write it down.
In your calendar.
And it doesn't turn you off that not only does he like video games, but he's really good at them, and he proudly displays his skills.
Oh, yeah.
Is he on your Twitch?
He's on just regular Twitter, but he's got clips of him whipping the poop out of these giants and stuff.
And this is a very hard game.
And this is a very hard game.
But he crush.
He did like a crush?
So he beat that guy up?
Yep.
He's got his purple orbs.
Does everyone get the purple orbs?
I don't know.
So he's good at that.
So he threw some purple orbs at a giant until the giant died.
Right.
And you can't do that?
Not as good as him.
Do you have purple orbs?
I don't have purple orbs.
Oh, how do you get the purple orbs?
I don't have that game, but I've been thinking about getting it.
So one of the reasons you don't have that particular orb is that you don't own the game at all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think you need the game to get the orbs.
Yeah.
This has been a great conversation, Ryan.
Thank you for that.
Let's get away from it and get to the mailbag.
Yes.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
I drank whiskey last night.
I have a bit of a headache.
I'm allowed to drink it on Sundays.
Yep.
I had fast food yesterday.
Oh.
But you're not doing Lent.
I am.
But you're not Catholic.
Right, but I participate in as many of the things as possible just anyway.
Even though I'm not, because I'm practicing, because I think I might convert to Catholicism.
Or like Orthodox Church.
But that seems a little like wild.
Yeah.
It is.
Have you heard about the Orthodox?
Yes, I'm familiar with the children.
It's really it's a lot of I mean, I don't know.
It seems like hard mode Catholicism.
T-shirt idea.
A very simple U-Penn women's swimming shirt would be funny.
Yeah, it would be.
We could probably get in big shit for that, but that would be funny too.
Getting sued.
They'd probably just send you a cease and desist.
I think their case could be we get to take all the profits from your U Penn swimming shirts.
Okay.
Here's $230.
win?
Um, um, Possible dollar sign hatred explained.
I've noticed something odd about my Hydro-Quebec bill.
That is the Con Edison of Quebec, Canada.
The dollar signs were all to the right of the number, so I googled it and tabar nac de caudes, These French-Canadian hose heads have been rocking the reverse dollar sign this whole time.
How has it taken me this long to realize it?
To which I would respond, baby monster, how the fuck have you not noticed that in Quebec they put the dollar sign on the other side?
You live in that province and you haven't noticed that?
It's because it's French.
They do it in France, too.
Maybe that explains it.
Your subconscious ill will for Pepsis gets triggered every time.
No, I never hated Pepsis, by the way.
I just saw them as below me.
They're like shitty white people.
I mean, and they feel that way about themselves, too.
When we were kids in school, whenever we played a French school, we always destroyed them in anything.
Soccer, baseball, hockey, anything.
They're just shitty human beings.
I don't know why.
They terrorized us, literally, and blew up buildings because they hated the English.
The separatists ruined their own province the same way that these radical leftists are ruining America.
So they're definitely also detestable, but.
Okay.
This is from a guy named Dirty.
Are you guys making up fake names because you're scared I'll read your name and you'll get fired from work because you sent a letter into a show?
That's a very out there level of pussy, is it not?
That's pretty embarrassing.
I believe that you are a pussy if you're anonymous online, by the way.
All of our commenters on our website are anonymous.
That's gay.
Put your name in your face there.
I could get fired.
Yeah.
Get fired.
I seriously thought Maddie was just trolling Ryan and making up prison stories so that he could trick Ryan into eating some nasty bullshit, but then he ate it too.
And now I'm not so sure.
Yes?
We don't lie on this show.
We do pranks.
Like, I never fired Ryan.
Joe Tonelli never worked here.
Here's a little inside gossip.
Remember, Joe Tonelli did two shows, and then we chased him out into the Bronx.
All that was pre-taped on a weekend because he only had weekends off.
And we made him change his shirt.
And when I chased him out into the streets of the Bronx, it wasn't near our studio.
I'm not going to dox my own studio.
And we had people explain to us Johnny Leber.
Thanks, guys.
You know that was Ryan, right?
You know that Leber is how Chinese people pronounce L's and Rs.
There's some Antifa or whatever that messaged me.
I could see if I could find it.
But their banner picture is the address that we included for that studio.
Really?
Like, we got you, motherfucker.
Like, yeah, you got us.
It's fine.
Yeah, it didn't occur to us we'd be doxing our own location.
Idiot.
And I wonder if anyone's gone by there, because that's not a very safe street.
You don't want to go fucking shit up on that street.
It's shitty here, but like that's way shittier.
Yeah.
I purposely chose the very worst street.
I do know that little bakery, though.
That's a nice bakery.
Head of Ukrainian military field medic saying on Ukrainian TV, we will castrate every Russian soldier, POW, because they are cockroaches.
oh That reminds me of 2-9.
What's taking you so long, shit-lips?
I was trying to look for that message.
Am I supposed to understand this?
Is this literally an untranslated Russian excerpt?
Who do you think I am?
The smartest guy in the world?
Well, and Munchinovnchkashk.
Go to 2-9, though.
I thought this was kind of cool.
I think it's some Jewish mayor in Ukraine who must have to deal with a lot of bullshit.
But this is 2-9.
He said that he'll be, well, I'll let you pull it up because I want to phrase it exactly.
But what the fuck?
I love Ukrainians now.
Deputy Mayor of Nurfrovrosk.
I looked it up.
It's in Ukraine.
Check out his latest post on Telegram.
So look at the last picture.
It's official.
The decision has been made.
All Krodovites killed on the territory of Dneprovovsk region will be sewn up and buried in pigskins.
Thank you, meatpackers of the city.
Let's see how you will perceive their in quote-unquote heaven, bastards.
Cool war, you guys.
I wish we would do shit like that more in Muslim wars.
I bet my mom's take on it is why is it like inside of a pig uncomfortable?
Well, they're dead already.
Why is your mom Jewish?
I don't know.
She kind of talks like that.
New York and Jew.
I realized because I was trying to get to the bottom of like how southerners have so many awesome little quips that they're like, well, my ass was so, I was so tense you couldn't drive a nail up my ass with a sledgehammer.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, all of mine are, I tried it with a Southerner on Instagram Live, and I was like, let's just try it out.
Howdy.
And he's like, howdy.
And I'm like, how you doing?
I'm like, not too shabby.
And I was like, New York phrases are Jewish.
Yeah.
A lot of it comes from Jewish and Italian.
Yeah.
And I think the South has a lot of Scots and Irish.
And they're good at banter.
They're good and drunk and they're big poets.
I remember one of the first times I was in the South, this guy's, he had pills.
He's like, and Coke.
And I was like, I don't like pills.
He's like, do you like to go up or down?
I go, I'm an up guy.
And he goes, me too.
I like to get higher than a Georgia pine.
Yeah.
Where do you learn all those fucking things?
Someone sent us this.
Western media before February 2022.
Far-right fighters from Europe fight for Ukraine.
Ukraine celebrates Nazi collaborator.
Ukraine designates national holiday to commemorate Nazi collaborator.
So there's a lot of anti-Nazi stuff about Ukraine.
And then Western media after February 2022.
Slava Ukraini.
Hmm.
Yes.
Did you put up the picture?
I can't find any of these.
I'm searching it.
Head of Ukrainian military.
Oh, okay.
I skipped like one thing.
Got it.
Why is it rocket science to go through the mail?
Hello?
I'm not getting the same thing that you're getting.
If I search it, I'll find it.
Head of Ukrainian military field medic saying on Ukraine.
Okay, that's the one that we just showed.
Yeah, that was the last one.
And then he goes, for sure, there's no Nazis in Ukraine.
It's the next fucking one.
It arrived eight minutes earlier.
They're not showing up, so if I search them, they will.
Why?
I don't know.
We'll fix it.
I just closed it and opened it.
Okay.
All right, that's enough Ukraine shit.
All right.
Daylight savings time.
Someone's upset about that.
I don't care.
Someone's trying to send me 8 million megabytes of Sopranos clips on some weird software that ends with MKV.
Stop sending me that shit.
Let's do one more, shall we?
This is called The Toad They Call the Bald Eagle, if you will.
Dearest Gavin and Ryan Sen, while blattered on St. Patty's Day, my English fiancé introduced me to one of her mom's woohoo psycho tea leaves reading friends on shitbook.
I drank about 18 buds, so it might have been more funny at the time for obvious reasons, but perhaps you share my ironic sense of humor, seeing as how you are a raging alcoholic.
P.S. I purchased the Clown World shirt that I'll be wearing publicly in Los Angeles as an overt, subversive fuck you to the liberal douchebags I'm around all day in Hollywood since I can't wear political attire at work.
You can say my name because I'm ready to get fired.
Be brave and never stop fighting.
The Oxford comma is for you, Faggot.
His name's Paul.
Paul, speaking of commas, whenever you do a setup in a sentence, it needs a comma.
So while blattered on St. Patty's Day, comma, my English fiancé introduced me to.
Have you got the video there yet?
Mr. Lost?
March 17th is the last one I have, March 18th.
And I just rebooted both.
This is called The Toad They Call the Bald Eagle.
Why does your email not work, dude?
Come on.
Okay.
Facebook link.
Interesting.
Well, so I hope Facebook doesn't shut this one off, but I'm going to give it a try.
I heard some sad news today.
One of the main home that I go to to entertain, Trillee, they had a wonderful lady there called Pearl, who I had the privilege of getting to know this year, or last year rather.
What year?
I don't know where we are anymore.
And she was just wonderful lady.
Skip ahead.
You were amazing.
You were a one-off.
Her job is silent, folks.
Thanks, Paul.
That letter sucked.
You're an asshole.
Okay, this is.
We'll end on an up note.
Hey, Faggots, what's up, Maddie?
Just put a ring on it.
Is right.
I'm having twins.
Thanks for making my life better.
Wish I was younger for this shit.
The show is awesome.
I miss do's and don'ts.
Funniest shit I've ever seen.
Ryan's Dennis Miller is a shit.
Gays are made of.
Any advice for two boys?
Dennis Miller is the shit gays are made of.
What does that mean?
Ryan's Dennis Miller is the shit gays are made of.
Is the shit gays are made of?
That doesn't sound good.
Is the shit gays are made of.
Anyway, any advice for two boys?
Get them into sports would be my advice.
Keeps kids out of trouble, keeps them focused, gives them a sense of worth, gives them a crew, a gang to party with.
Sports is the best thing for a kid.
Punk was great for me because I was getting all my anger out in the mosh pit and all that.
But these days, I don't know.
There's too many drugs going around in all sort of youth subcultures.
Sports seems much safer.
All right.
It's time for the video finale.
This clip is so awesome.
Joe Biggs' lawyer sent it to me without me asking.
I'd already seen it.
I went on my phone and tried to buy an app that helps you download Instagram videos, but they wanted $10 a month.
$10 a month, you should get something like a band network of Misfit toys like we have here.
But my heart hurts.
Is that normal?
No.
I think it's that fucking pre-workout gorilla mode.
Are you taking one scoop or half scoop?
One scoop.
My son, I caught him taking two scoops.
What?
Yeah.
No.
I was like, good luck getting to bed tonight.
You don't need to do that.
You know what he said to me at the dinner table last night?
He goes, he's got this unbelievable attitude these days where I'm an idiot and everything's gay.
And he goes, something like, is it weird I know more about Steve-O than you and he used to be your friend?
Weird flex, dude.
That is a weird flex.
Did you say weird flex, dude?
No, I'm trying to keep things cool.
So I'm just like, I hung out with him a couple times.
I wouldn't say he's my friend.
Because my wife got mad at me last time we fought.
So I'm just going to save the fights for a doozy.
But yeah, being with a teenager who's just starting testosterone is not sort of, but exactly like being a corrections officer with a prisoner.
Exactly the same.
Why is he taking pre-workout?
He stole it from me.
Oh, just to do it.
He got called up to the high school baseball team.
He's so good.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, maybe for sports or.
But yeah, like, you don't always tell a corrections officer to fuck off.
Sometimes you're like, crazy storm last night.
My window was rattling or whatever.
So he'll say it, occasionally say a normal thing to me.
But for the most part, it's just like, move along.
I get contraband out of the room, like a cell phone on no screen day, that kind of stuff.
Sit down.
He's doing a hunger strike, just eating snacks.
I'm told to come back around around 15.
That's definitely what my daughter did.
My daughter and I are best pals now.
We watch movies.
She introduces me to bands that I missed, like Dystopia and Christian Death.
I like when she's in the car because she plays her music and it's all good.
And then we listen to the bands that we both love, like Operation Ivy and The Dead Milkman.
And we both know all the words.
It's great.
I didn't introduce her to Operation Ivy.
She discovered that on her own.
Sold.
So a big part of being a dad is just being there.
Being attentive.
You know what I mean?
Like, wait, I didn't explain that well.
I don't mean being attentive.
I mean just showing up.
That's it.
Show up for work.
Be around.
And sometimes that means nothing.
A lot of corrections officers are probably just opening the cell, closing the cell.
Canteen, go there, lights out, that kind of shit.
Sometimes, you know, it's not very hands-on.
But sometimes it is.
So I would say when your kids do want to hang out with you, when they're young or at any time, jump on it because soon they're not going to want you around.
Okay, sorry.
Got a little heavy there.
Let's lighten it up with a very fun video, which gives it away in the title.
Tonight, a local dog shelter, or a local shelter dog, rather, is looking for a soft landing after being dumped by his owners because they say he's gay.
Thought you heard it all, right?
A Stanley County Animal Shelter Facebook post says the dog's owner surrendered him to the shelter after he humped another male dog, which dogs do.
Fesco, the shelter says, is about four to five years old, weighs about 50 pounds.
They say he likes other people, he likes other animals, he's a good boy.
The shelter is asking for local rescues to step up and take Fesco into foster before he is adopted.
Local county shelters across our area, Drew, they do so much work with such little resources.
Any way that we can help ease the burden, step in and pull animals out and get them into foster or adopt them.
Including gay dogs.
And that guy looks like he's going to find a new home real quick.
Fesco's adorable.
And so many great opportunities there for some jovial levity.
Like she should have said they work hard for all the dogs in the neighborhood, including gay dogs.
Barry?
That would have been good.
They should have taken it totally seriously and go, the gay dog who had never been with another male dog before is single.
So many red carpets laid out for you there.
I guess that dog's looking for a different type of bone.
Back to you, Leslie.
We're all such pussies these days.
Come on.
I saw some clip once where the newscaster couldn't stop laughing because the guest they just had had a monocle.
You know, like the one eye glass thing?
And he couldn't continue the interview because he said, when was the last time you saw a monocle in real life?
And he was hysterically laughing.
Those are the good old days.
I got it.
It's Bob Schieffer.
Oh, yeah, this was it.
Until now, Pluto is no longer a storm on the planet.
In the 1990s, we began discovering other bodies of the same nature in the same part of the solar system.
There's a whole swarm of them.
And therefore, Pluto's status was called into question.
So in my view, there are two kinds of bodies: the planets and the planetoids.
Which prefers one?
What you seem to be saying, Sir Patrick, is it's just too little to be a planet.
Is that right?
Pluto is smaller than our moon.
If we call Pluto a planet, there are others.
Xena, Veluna, Terron, Ceres, all.
And yes, I did ask him how long he's been wearing that monocle.
And he said since he was 16.
That's the news.
We hope you can join us here tomorrow.
I'm Bob Schieffer.
Good night.
Wait, did I remembered him dying?
You always remember things cooler than they were.
Yeah.
That was a mild snicker.
Are you sure you showed the whole clip?
I'm sure.
They were sending off.
In my memory, he says, who the fuck wears a monocle?
And he's dying, dying.
Like, he needs a defibrillator.
This was like...
At any rate, thanks for tuning in.
That's it?
Yeah.
What the fuck?
You pictured him like having a stroke and getting resuscitated.
I thought he was fired.
And then when he gets resuscitated, he keeps laughing.
Yeah, I thought it was his last show on Earth.
Huh.
Anyway, folks, that's been the moral of the story today.
The kids, leave the kids alone.
The egg hasn't hatched.
Stop messing with the egg.
You're scrambling those eggs.
And we have to be more vocal about that.
We have to be braver.
We have to get in trouble.
And if that means losing your job, lose your job.
And then pick yourself back up and keep going.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
and never stop fighting.
We'll be right back.
You should have walked away.
Why far spent you fighting on?
Couldn't kill me.
You should have walked away.
Why far spent you fighting on?
So we are right away and we're wasting our time.
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