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March 21, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
43:24
GOML LIVE #140 - HAPPY ST. PAT'S (Part 1)

A powerfully inebriated Gavin plows through hours of calls in a blackout.

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Time Text
*Squeak* *BANG* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* Live from New York, it's "Get Off My Lawn" with Gavin McInnis!
*Squeak* *Squeak* I have acres of lime and I'm not covered.
I have always a shoe to swear.
So be easy and free and let drink on one day.
I'm among the zombies every day.
That reminds me of my good friend Sarah Egan.
Who dumped me.
Because of Proud Boys and Trump.
And it hurt my feelings.
No it didn't, actually.
I was just like, that's fucking retarded.
I'm drunk.
We're doing St.
Patty's Day.
Drunk as a skunk.
Matty, are you drunk?
Pretty well in the bag, yep.
Pretty while in the bag.
Pretty well deep in the bag.
Pretty well deep in the bag.
Fucking.
Sarah was like a very close friend to me.
Sarah Egan.
She does like horror makeup.
She works on SNL.
She does like makeup for SNL.
And we were always close.
And then the Trump thing happened and she dumped me.
And I can't remember what I sent her.
I was like, hey, look at this thing.
It's a monster that has zits.
How would you do that with your technology?
Whatever.
And she didn't respond.
I went, oh, wait.
Are you dumping me too?
Because of the incident that happened, which was Trump?
And she didn't respond.
Ghosted ya.
And then I went, oh, what's your biggest beef with me?
That I want blacks to go back to Africa?
Or that I don't think the Holocaust happened?
Again, no response.
I also had this fucking babysitter, Katie Shadowins, We were like two peas in a pod.
Totally raunchy jokes.
Oh my god the jokes we told.
We were rude bitches.
And, uh, you know, when all this shit went down pre-Trump, we were like, ha ha ha, what a bunch of fucking losers.
And she was the best babysitter, best nanny, best whatever you call her, au pair, for my kids.
My kids loved her.
Fantastic woman.
Katie Shadowins.
Awesome.
And then one day, nope, because of Trump, And it's weird because I'll text her and I'll go, Hey, I'm here with my daughter.
It's her birthday.
And she'll go, happy birthday to your daughter.
And I'll go, okay.
I don't have AIDS.
What about me?
No reaction.
I thought that was a great dishonor to her and to her family.
It's so weird with these people.
I totally understand if it was pedophilia and I would support it.
If you have a bunch of pals and you want to suck a kid's dick, by all means, you should be ostracized.
And castrated.
I was going to say circumcised and that would have rhymed.
Let's just say killed.
Let's just say killed.
The world would be a better place.
Decapitation.
No breathing.
But it's funny, it's funny that, like, you lose, like, when you become, like, the national divorce, right, with Trump, you understand that you lose, like, your radical friends.
But then you lose friends that are not radical at all.
Like John Glazer.
I consider him an apolitical friend of mine.
He has a black daughter.
I clearly didn't care, right?
He's an interesting guy too.
That sucks.
I didn't go on vacation with him and be like, yeah, uh, when we go on vacations, can you not bring, bring your black daughter?
She's gross.
She's like, I don't like that.
He got popular lately because he did this weird series.
First he did Delocated.
And then I think he did this weird thing, an alternate reality thing.
It's called Something Daddy.
And he did these creepy videos where there's like secret messages in it.
So he had a just a very recent like revival of his popularity.
I would say despite John Glazer stabbing me in the back.
And this represents Derek Beckles too.
Two of the funniest human beings on earth.
Unbelievably talented.
Sprinkles dudes.
They have the sprinkles.
Very funny.
Am I going to be able to fucking maintain a two hour show this wasted?
I think you're doing good so far.
I don't know about that.
And I'm dead sober so it is.
You're sober?
Yep.
Well, I'm having, um, I decided because it's a festive thing.
I'm having the green lemon lime ZOA in a pint glass.
You're blurry, dude.
You're blurry in a pint glass.
You're blurry.
You're blurry.
I'll have to click.
How can you not figure out your job?
There we go.
There we go.
Now you're clear.
Now you're clear.
So this is a lemon lime ZOA.
I got the green tie.
We're rocking it.
All right.
Um, let's call my dad.
I was thinking about my son and how much he does not like me anymore because he's a teenager and he's being a dick.
Um, and I thought let's, cause I didn't like my dad for 10 years.
I'm going to pretend I don't like him anymore.
What about that idea?
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
Let's call him and let's be like, fuck you, dad.
What do you think?
Big Jim McGuinness.
Ryan can't do it cause his dad's gone.
And Maddie can't do it cause his dad's dead.
Yeah.
That leaves one of us.
Hi mom.
I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm going through some stuff in my life right now.
Oh, okay.
Okay, honey.
What's happening?
Well, I hope you guys don't take this the wrong way, but I met this 72-year-old named Johnny Blaginness.
Oh, Boo Guinness?
Bla Guinness.
He's Serbian.
And he's the best guy.
He's a huge mentor to me.
He's a huge inspiration.
And I thought, as I meet this guy, I thought, maybe it's time to cut the cord with, you know, some loose ends that are not inspiring me.
Yeah, hold on.
I'm trying to put you on speaker.
OK, well, you're on speaker.
Okay, you're on speaker, honey.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Sorry about that, but Dad and I were trying to listen.
I'm in bed with this strange guy called Jimmy McInnes.
I just picked him up today on St.
Paddy's Day.
You know, he was drunk.
Pathetic.
So I met this senior citizen named, well, we don't need to get into what his name is, but he's a carpenter and he's showing all these cool, like, things with his trade, like, you know, sanding down these oak trees and building a bookshelf.
Like, he's an incredible guy.
He's 74 years old.
And I feel like he might be my new, I don't know, my new dad.
In a way.
And you're guru.
My guru?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Because my actual dad has offered me nothing.
Nothing!
In the past... He certainly can't teach you anything about woodworking.
I think he built a shelf one that once fell down.
Let's cut the cord.
I, to be totally frank, I've been waiting for you guys to die.
So I thought I would get enough money to buy a vintage car.
And then I realized I have enough money on my own to buy a vintage car.
So let's cut the cord.
You probably have more money than us.
So I guess this is a goodbye call.
Oh, okay, honey.
Please don't rush it, because if this is our last conversation, I'd like it to be a little longer.
Listen, did you know your brother's getting married?
It's time for this shit.
That's it, huh?
I'm not talking to them.
Fuck them.
So anyway, tonight is Get Off My Lawn live.
We do an incredibly exciting pre Behind the Paywall show with Matty O'Dell.
Everybody, happy St.
Patrick's Day.
Normally we have Sylvia, but she fell down some stairs and she broke her hip.
So my Whack Pack has been hurt once again.
We lost Donovan Crip Daddy on Monday and Tuesday.
We lost Sylvia.
The only Whack Packer we have left is Maddie.
Somehow his heart is holding on.
Not for long.
No.
So what we do is we have it all free before 30 minutes in and then we cut you all off.
You can hear my drunken voice sounding, um, pretty drunk.
Dude, who are our sponsors?
Well, you have the paper.
Wait, what'd you do with the papers?
I don't want the papers.
Just tell me the sponsors.
Well, let's see.
I could find out quick.
Our ad sales guy says www dot.
Would you rather fuck your wife while staring at Maddie or Ryan?
Kate, let me just say something about would you rathers.
Stop affecting our immediate families and our lives with our wives.
It's weird.
It's, it's gay.
It's stupid.
It's boring.
It's like, would you rather suck your dad's dick or eat out your mom?
Yeah.
They're both horrible.
But anyway, other thing, we're going to be raising money on the live chats for Joe Biggs.
Yes.
Because Joe Biggs needs 80 grand.
He's going to the Supreme Court because he's innocent.
And this is going to be not the roughest transition ever, but he's a vet.
And he has a beard.
He's a vet.
And we have BeardVet as a sponsor.
We have BeardVet Coffee.
And BeardVet Coffee isn't just BeardVet Coffee.
And thank God these guys promote the show and show up to sponsor us.
BeardVet Coffee is also BeardVet Beard Grooming Materials.
Did you know that?
No, you didn't.
And if you apply to be a vet, now you're obviously buying coffee.
So why don't you buy the coffee from the people who support us, which is a hundred percent vet owned.
We do not have a sponsor that is not vet owned.
I don't know why.
BeardVet.com, promo code GAVIN, beard oils, beard grooming kits, beard grooming products.
It's incredible!
The oil smells so good and it makes me wish I had a beard, but I don't.
So, you lucky fucking people out there with beards, put it on your fucking thing.
It smells good.
This is the first commercial in history where a Japanese man has insulted the clientele of the product and said, fuck you, I wish I had a beard.
Yep.
That's never been done.
It's a little cuckish, but yeah, I do wish I had a beard so I could put lovely oils in it.
Wow.
It wouldn't stick in here.
What do you have?
What is that thing?
I don't even know.
Peach fuzz.
It's a weird band-aid.
Anyway, beardvet.com, promo code Gavin.
Thank you guys for promoting the show.
We appreciate it indefinitely.
We love you.
I like you more than a friend.
Yes.
Okay.
So, and Beard, oh we didn't do this last week, we're going to do it now.
Caller 1 and 2 are getting a free gift pack, I hate the word pack, from Sean and the BeardVat team tonight.
Thank you BeardVat.
You hate the word pack?
Yeah, and kit.
Pack and kit.
They just sound like weird ASMR words.
You get a prize pack.
Or you get your prize kit.
I don't like that.
I don't like it.
It's like... It sounds like splashing, like wet splashing or something.
I don't know.
Hate it.
You know what I mean, Matty?
Not particularly, but it's alright.
Okay, that's fine.
Well, we do have something exciting with Matty.
These are people who are supporting our show, and you don't like the particular vernacular of their prizes.
Well, it's actually our ad guy.
It's his fault yet again.
I mean, he's no stranger to having the blame be put on him, but he put the word pack in there.
All right.
So tonight, the live chats are for Joe Biggs.
Not John and Max, but Joe Biggs, who is sitting in a cell for a year because he dared to enter the Capitol, which is the worst thing imaginable.
How dare you?
How dare you enter the Capitol?
Why'd you do that?
So right there, you go to the live show on the browser, right under the live show.
There's that button.
Donate to read a message on air.
And then it'll pop up like so.
Okay.
Hey guys, please check my email.
Just got married.
Sent to the mailbag.
Also, Ryan, please send your workout routine for mad gains.
Interesting.
Okay.
Hey, you know what?
It's weird.
I used to love wearing house shoes, but now I love wearing flip-flops.
Ryan, what's the previous one?
Let's pull that up.
Oh, the previous email?
Yeah.
Just got married.
Lawrence.
It came in at 9 o'clock.
Okay.
It says, let's see, I can pull it up on screen here.
Try not to show any info though.
There we go.
We should bring a weight bench into this studio.
Yes.
That would rule.
How are you doing with your mantis shrimp research?
What's going on with that?
I just got a personal beta for myself, Betafish, so I'm getting back into the swing of things.
I looked at some of their Fluval tanks, which we have to get a very big one.
I don't think they had a big enough one there, but I'm going to check out some pet stores and do recon.
Did anything come out?
Computer, who is Ryan Katsu Rivera?
Here's something I found on the web.
According to BaltimoreSun.com, Rivera was the defensive coordinator for the Chicago Bears for three seasons before becoming the San Diego Chargers linebackers... Computer, stop!
That was my old life.
Computer, who is Ryan Katsu Rivera?
According to an Alexa Answers contributor, Matthew Mario Rivera is a successful American producer, reporter, and professor at New York University in New York City.
Producer?
Successful?
He's well known as the husband of Casey Hunt, a beautiful American NBC newscaster.
Casey Hunt.
Did that answer your question?
No, you suck, you're a stupid bitch.
Am I not Google-able?
That sucks.
She actually sobered me up.
Okay, I'm gonna go piss Ryan, you take a call.
Let's do this.
Alright, let's get the calls on.
First, we're gonna thank you for calling.
You are on the air.
- Um, you're gonna have a conversation.
- This is a fucking loser.
- You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why. - Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye bye. - All right, next call. - Okay.
We're gonna get these all set up.
See, Matty's mic is on.
Yes, sir.
Good stuff.
Okay, first call here.
307, you're on the line.
Hey, what's going on, caller?
307, you're on the line.
Hey, what's up?
What's going on, caller?
Not too much.
I'm just trying to get on the air.
What are you doing?
Talking to you on the air.
Is this Matt?
Yes it is.
Hey what's up man?
My name is Matt as well.
Oh nice, nice to meet you.
Not too much.
How's everything going today on St.
Patrick's Day?
You what now?
I said how's everything going today on the St.
Patrick's Day for you?
Oh pretty good, pretty good.
I'm about done with my drink and I'm about as In the bag as Gavin is right now and I've got to work tomorrow.
Yeah, how's with you?
Where's the next episode of Shitty Kitchen?
Is that, is that this week?
Yeah, it'll be out either tomorrow or the next day.
I filmed it.
He said thanks for calling.
He got the fade.
But that does lead us into a good, that's a good point.
We filmed another Matty Shitty Little Kitchen.
And that's coming now.
I heard, can I just say something?
I heard it was so bad that it's actually getting scrapped.
No, that's not true at all.
I heard that it was so unfunny.
Who would scrap it?
Um...
I mean, you're the boss.
Are you scrapping it?
Yep.
What the hell?
Yeah, it's not airing.
What the fuck?
We worked really hard on that and I had to eat this.
Short-lived.
Short-lived.
Hey, and it's not taking anything away from Matty, but what I had to eat on this episode was horrendous.
What do you mean?
Show us.
I don't know if we want to spoil it yet.
Show it, show it.
You want to show a little sneak peek?
Yeah, sure.
Or it's cancelled.
Okay, whoa.
I'm about to cancel it.
Okay, easy.
I think we should kill Matty's Little Kitchen as a show.
I don't think you're... I think it's done.
You're not speaking with a clear mind.
You know what, it's done.
Tonight it's done.
So you don't want to see the clip?
I want to see the clip as a goodbye.
Goodbye?
For why we killed the show.
I don't know.
It seems like maybe this would save it.
So hopefully, Matty, this clip, this will be good.
Help it.
Sure!
Wolf.
I love hearing you go wolf.
Yeah, it's crappy.
Scoop up under it.
Get in there.
Now we won't spoil what's in it.
Nasty.
What's in it?
We gotta spoil, you gotta leave some.
It's not a spoiler.
No, no.
Say what's in it.
It's not a spoiler.
I'll name three ingredients that are in it.
Okay.
Okay.
Tuna fish, fucking Jack Link's beef jerky, and mustard.
I love, I love when people say fucking.
Fucking, yeah.
Fucking tuna fish.
Oh yeah.
Dude it is.
It's the real deal.
It was tough.
Well I was talking to Matty earlier at the bar and he said he had a bite of this and it catapulted him.
Yeah I saw his eyes change.
Back into his incarceration.
Instantly.
And he remembered being in prison.
Oh.
Magically.
Like you you went to a place I saw you you did this you went.
Yeah the whole texture taste and everything just I was just like wow oh my god.
You could feel the walls around you and shit?
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Wow.
Do you remember like every time, like this is what I was thinking, when you were crunching up one of the ingredients, the Cheetos, do you remember, because usually when you're doing something methodical, like if I'm cutting scallions, for instance, I'll think of one of the times I was cutting scallions at the old restaurant.
Did it bring you back to a specific time where you were bashing the Cheetos and crushing up the ingredients?
Yeah, I mean that we've made yeah, I made tons of those things not like just one occasion, but it was a daily routine Me on a second bunch of other people so detective shitty just said to an ex-con We made prison food with you while we were making the prison food did that bring you back to when you were in prison and No.
The answer is yes.
No, specifically.
It's like, um, like when I was cutting scallions, I'd be listening to Opie and Anthony.
So I'd imagine like it's a hot day, you know, like the doors open to the restaurant.
So I'm getting a little bit of a breeze.
And I remember like a specific time listening to like a Louis C.K.
Boat story, cutting scallions, like a specific time.
No, not, I mean, it brought me back to being in Virginia, in CVRJ, Central Virginia Regional Jail.
Is that the only place you made this dish?
No, they've made them all over the place.
And what was the dish?
I mean, we used to call it a mash-up there in that particular jail, but other people call it a swole, a brick, a spread.
I mean, there's all different names.
The lighting has improved?
Yeah, depending on where you are geographically in the country, there's different names for stuff.
So you guys broke up a bunch of Cheetos and put them on some ramen noodles and poured hot water on them.
That's basically what this episode is going to be when we air it.
Similar.
There's way more.
There's a lot more other stuff in there, but yeah.
It's like 20 ingredients.
It's all the stuff you can get off Commissary that's available to you.
Like all the stuff.
Hey, Gav, you want to turn your mic on?
What do you mean?
For the colors.
Yeah, because we got Peachtree on the line.
Hello, Peachtree.
Peachtree.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And you've called 18 times.
I'll take it.
Hey, real quick, look, I know that I only get one thing.
So the first thing isn't really a thing.
But, you know, I want to get myself a bird, which is the bald eagle tattoo on the front of the club.
So where can I find your guys?
You know what?
Yeah, good question.
We should make that available on the site.
Yeah.
I'm trying to get in the club.
We should put that on the site.
Because we're about to have a massive party in Orlando that is going to be at Censored.tv.
Apalooza.
Nice.
Matty and I will be there.
We're going to do the whole show.
It's going to be awesome.
And if you have this tattoo, you get in free.
Nice.
Hell yeah.
So we do need to make this.
You know.
Available.
Tattooable.
Toots.
So we're on it, buddy.
Thanks for calling.
We're gonna fucking fix that problem.
It's funny when you're drunk, you see yourself slurring and not handling problems and your brain is like coherent and you're like, get it together, shithead.
Like, I got this.
Seeing yourself as a third person.
Yeah, you're watching a drunken idiot.
All right, we got another one on the line here.
Buggin619, you're on the line.
Hello!
What's going on?
What's up, 619?
What's up?
Tight lips do not sell!
Thank you.
That was great, Ryan.
Now, just a quick idea.
Ryan, you're kind of a genius.
Your fucking drops are gold.
Thanks.
And I thought maybe using Goad's idea of like the karaoke's with the face swaps if you did request to maybe earn some extra bucks for the show.
Good idea.
I haven't really thought it all the way through, but you know, you guys are pretty good with that stuff.
I thought that'd be a good idea for a lot of the callers here.
That's all.
Mashup impression songs.
Good idea.
All right, so let's go behind the paywall now.
Thank you very much, freeloaders, for checking in on Drunks on St.
Paddy's Day.
But we are now officially shutting down the thing.
You're done.
You're fucked.
You're in trouble.
You're toasted.
You're fired.
Did you like the Johnny Rebel thing this week?
Yeah, that mask was haunting.
I can't believe how many people told us that Johnny Rebel is a guy in America.
Can I pull that up real quick?
It's amazing.
It's shocking.
The email that we got from this gent.
Do you people have any idea that I never really truly fired Ryan?
Joe Tonelli never worked here.
We're familiar with Johnny Rebel.
Like you guys keep explaining our jokes.
It's all coming out now huh?
Yeah it's all a lie.
You know it was tough because I was on Dalton Clodfelter's show and he was like so the firing thing and I was like no it wasn't rehearsed you know but I had um we had planned to.
The brilliant thing about firing Ryan was Joe Tonelli only had one day off so we filmed his Uh, Bits on Tuesday.
And then we also aired it on Thursday.
So, both of his experiences were filmed on the same day.
And when you saw him going, what?
Are you serious?
Come on, really?
He wasn't there.
That was fake.
It's true.
We tricked you.
So when you saw that guy reacting to me on the Thursday night, he was in White Plains on Thursday night.
He was not there.
Negative.
No.
So he was actually video drops.
And yes, when he was looking at his girlfriend it was actually Orion.
I'm not talking about that.
So I don't want to ruin all of the gags we do on the show, but come on for fuck's sakes.
- Negative. - You know, it gave it away.
The little, we like Easter eggs.
And one of the Easter eggs was me clearly saying, no, no, no.
Say this at the end of one of those clips.
Well, I love people telling us who Johnny rebel is.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was great.
And they're like rebel.
Leber is rebel backwards.
Yeah.
It's also how Chinese people say L's and R's.
You fucking dummy.
He's very informative.
Like if we didn't know, this is a full summary of who that gentleman is.
Did a great job of that.
It's like the people telling us about the crazy hot matrix.
Like there's so many fucking zoomers on this show explaining to us the most basic things imaginable.
So do we send them off with the get fired and the music?
Yes.
All right.
So, goodbye freeloaders.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm drunk.
I'm actually sorry Matty's so drunk.
Matty's much more drunk than me.
Yeah, I've been drinking since like one.
Look at him.
He holds it together so well.
Hey Matty, what's 8 times 8?
8 times 8?
72.
No, 64.
Yep.
See?
Wasted.
Never do math in public.
- No, 64. - Yep. - See, wasted. - Never do math in public. - So-- - I agree.
Or in private.
I'm the only sober person here tonight.
But, uh, we have to shut it down anyway.
Shut it down.
Because you guys are fucking... Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Let me just explain something before we shut it down.
So, I was under the impression that I could have three different crews.
My boxing crew.
My Megadad crew.
And, uh, wait, what's the third?
Oh, duck in crew.
My, my local bar crew.
So, uh, I get wasted, whatever.
And then, um, today they go, we're going to go on a pub crawl.
So I go, that's awesome.
So I, I don't go out late last night.
Um, I got a good eight hours.
I, I spar.
Which to me means, like, sparring is like going to a spa.
Like, it's like doing hot yoga.
Like, you're ready to tackle the rest of the day if you spar.
Now, while I sparred, I got my ass handed to me.
I got fucking fucked up on the chin.
I actually did not like today very much at all.
Huey was very bad to me.
Matty's face in the desk.
You got to be careful with that.
So I'm sitting here.
I come back to the studio, and I'm watching Dave Wakefield and Stevie Jones' Jukebox, and I watch a bunch of old punk stuff.
And Steve Jones is talking about mods and rockers and stuff.
Which was the origin of the Proud Boys.
And I start getting in touch with who I am as a person.
And I'm like, I'm a flamboyant dude.
I'm a peacock.
I get it.
I get me.
So I stop waiting for the text from the boxer guys.
This is at like 1 p.m.
and I put on this stupid suit and I go to McLean Avenue in Yonkers.
And I go to Dusty somethings as the first bar.
Dirty Nelly's.
Dirty Nelly's.
I go to Dirty Nelly's and I'm there and I have a couple beers and I watch, you know, when you're alone at a bar, you're watching like fucking golf and basketball and you're like, And, and McLean Avenue is very regional.
So they're not like, hello, where are you from, buddy?
Like, let's talk.
So I go, okay.
And I don't mind that by the way.
I don't need, I don't need love.
Um, and, and watching those old videos of the English beat and Pete Townsend and, and Stevie Jones had like reinstilled who I am as a person.
And I remembered that I like, like you subculture.
So I was like, this is who I am.
And I'm going to go to McLean Avenue alone and enjoy myself.
So then I go do that.
And then I, I pay my bill.
I have two buds and I can, and I go to Whistling Donkey.
And, uh, are you laughing?
Or me?
No, not Maddie.
No.
No!
I'm not laughing at all.
I don't think it's funny.
I almost was brought to tears.
Basically.
I mean, because what you're saying is you fundamentally, you know, grounded yourself and found out who you were again.
And it's like, well, sure, anybody can do that.
Read a book.
Read your own biography.
But I'd say you don't have the biography.
Well, it's like, what do you do?
It's like, well, you listen to music.
And music has the power.
I have a biography.
I have a book called Death of Cool.
That's my...
Yeah, not everybody has a book, Joe.
So, when you listen to me... Wait, why are you crying?
When you listen to music, it makes you feel like whole again.
Like there's some hope.
Like there's inspiration.
And that's what you did, and I think it's a beautiful thing.
Jordan, hold on.
I wasn't even remotely depressed.
I was just annoyed.
I know.
But I'm not crying because of sad things.
I cry because of happy things.
Like Joe Rogan.
Like Joe!
It's beautiful, really.
I didn't mean to cut you off, what were you saying?
So anyway um I go to the second bar now it's like 3 p.m.
so when I was sitting at the studio which is like three feet from here I thought I could work on my book I could do some stuff but I don't want to like start a two-hour project and then I get a call to go to McField and McLaren what's it called?
McLean.
McFuck.
Who are you McFuck?
So I go down there and I go, um, fuck you.
I hate you.
You said that to them?
Yeah.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
I did.
I went to two different bars.
I had three beers.
I watched a bunch of fucking footage from, um, various parades.
And let me tell you exactly what I said.
Okay.
You ready?
Yes.
We have footage of you entering the bar, by the way.
What you do?
Hello!
Okay.
So I go... I'm gonna send you this, Ryan.
Okay.
I'm sorry, that wasn't the footage.
This was the footage.
Good afternoon, guys!
Ryan, I actually don't like it when you're funnier than me on my show.
I am just... So let's have a, uh... Let's have a little, like, meter.
Let's cool it down.
Or you get like a...
Well, it's fitting that it's a meter, isn't it?
Because it's about me, not about you.
Otherwise, it'd be a uter.
Okay, so this is what I said.
I go, gotta love Ryan's pub crawls.
He really knows how to put a party together.
And then one of the people on the chat goes, Where are you at?
What, you got your Sunday best on?
And then some stranger, I don't know his, I just see him as a number.
He's like, you know, I'll be in that area at seven.
Anyone still out?
And then he goes, Gavin, Uber to Rory Dollins.
And I go, no.
I go, I just did Dirty Nellies.
Now I'm at Whistling Donkey.
I had a great day so far watching parades.
And golf on TV.
And he's like, uh, dude, calm down where we are.
And I go, wait, you already started hanging out?
Oh, I go, thanks for the heads up.
Yeesh.
And he goes, I said, I'd text you after I'm done eating.
I go, I got a way better idea.
Why don't you go fuck yourself?
Damn.
And then I said it worse, because he's had a lot of shitty pub crawls that have sucked.
The first one was awesome.
We dressed up as the guys from, like, Peaky Blinders.
But the past, like, four, five have sucked shit.
So I go, I'm done with these shitty parties and half-assed plans.
Bye-bye.
And he's like, I'm waiting for you.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bye bye.
Damn.
So was he hurt by that?
Who cares?
Wow.
So anyway, the moral of the story is, remember when you would fuck a bunch of chicks when you were single?
And you had like that tall Korean chick that you loved fucking but you had nothing in common with?
And you would try to fuck her like once every two weeks?
But if you didn't talk to her regularly via text, she'd like move on.
Mm-hmm.
So, I think what I learned today is you can't have like three crews.
I used to have my Mimerinec duck-in crew, my Magadad Larchmont crew, and my boxing crew.
I think it's naive to think you can have three kids and three crews.
I gotta amalgamate those.
I am done.
You're done?
I'm done.
Yeah.
That's me.
I'm done.
I'm done trying to have three crews.
Too much work.
It's too much work.
Like when you call, when you meet that girl that you fucked, that like tall Korean chick.
Yeah.
And you're like, Hey Liz, I want to fuck you again.
And she's like, I haven't seen you in three weeks, dude.
I haven't heard from you.
Not even a text.
I have a boyfriend now.
Goodbye.
Yeah, you're not the chick that you could just call at any time, put in no work.
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck that.
Wait, you sound like... Well, I like him too, but I don't know if I like him that much.
At any rate... I'm on your side.
Tonight was an abomination.
I'm done with my boxing crew.
I'm done with those guys.
I'm breaking up with them.
My crews are now my local bar and my MAGA dads.
Damn.
Well, they get what they frickin' deserve.
Call the police!
Get what you fuckin' deserve!
It hurts.
What the?
What was that?
Is that?
Hey computer, what's 8 times 7?
64.
Oops.
I've never heard a woman be good at math before.
All right, so we're done.
We're going behind the paywall.
We're going to take live stream donations for exclusively Joe Biggs, who is in solitary confinement for daring to trespass on the Capitol.
We'll also answer letters and have a gay old time.
But as far as fucking You know, freeloaders, goodbye.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Nothing wrong with that.
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