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March 15, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:29:19
S4E97 - JOHNNY LEBER
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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
I love this.
White clock is too high, but all my life I never get this chance again.
You watch your words when you're answering the question.
Seven smallest continuing fashions.
Seven at your minutes when you're dreaming in New Zealand.
Yeah.
That was the English Beats, I think, second album, Wappin.
Kind of weird.
Rankin Rogers, the reggae guy on that album, but he's not Jamaican.
He's born in Birmingham.
She was a girl from Birmingham.
Like Tippa Iri we had last week.
A lot of these sort of British Jamaican stars were, I mean, Jamaican, yeah, were British kids of Jamaican immigrants doing a fake accent.
Can I do that?
Can I be a Scottish star?
What go on?
See you, by the way.
Couldn't have a dream home in New Zealand and all.
Hi, I'm a big Scotch star.
I'm back in Scotland.
I sing, I do Scotch songs.
That wouldn't fly.
Uh-oh, we've got a loose hair back here.
Would they be able to tell that you're putting out an accent?
Yeah, they don't seem impressed with my Scottish accent.
That's always the way it is when you do the accent of the natives.
Although, I bought a flag at cavalryflags.com, and I think it's a fake company.
It no exist.
So I called Chase Bank today to cancel the payment.
And the Indian on the phone, hello, what's going on?
Terrible reception, by the way.
And I'm like, Chase Bank is worth what?
$400 billion?
I don't know.
Can you even quantify the net worth of a bank?
Hey, computer, how much is Chase Bank worth?
$700,000 and a trillion $300.
JPMorgan, Chase, and Company traded at $132 US dollars and one cent on the New York Stock Exchange, up 1.4% since previous close.
Oh, I had no idea.
It's only worth $132.
Wow.
I could buy it.
I could go to Chase, withdraw like $500, and then spend $132 buying Chase.
People, you know why they don't buy it probably?
Because it's a lot of responsibility.
Yeah, you have the employee payroll.
You got to deal with all the other companies, all the other countries and their currency.
But it's amazing that it's $132.
Like, I've had dinners that are 10 times that.
Yeah.
It's got to be the responsibility thing.
Because then you have to know money.
You have to know an account.
You have to be around checks and papers.
Yeah.
People are like, hey, where's my money?
And you're like, sorry, sorry.
Fuck, I just bought this thing.
They're all mad.
Yeah.
But yeah, you're farming it out to India.
So he goes, sir, first of all, I can barely hear him and he keeps cutting out because I'm calling him on a 46k modem.
And he goes, sir, have you tried to contact the vendor?
And I laughed really hard because it was just such an absurd question.
I'm sorry, these hairs are driving me nuts.
Yeah, it did occur to me to contact the vendor, sir.
100% of the people who call you about this have contacted the vendor.
That is not true, sir.
Some people contact us first.
Well, then they're retards.
But it was a good, hearty laugh, and it made him so mad he hung up on me.
And then the next time I got another Indian, and he said, so you're charging 120 pounds?
I go, nope, that's Britain.
And I presume you do rubies.
You do rubies, rubles?
Yes, we do rubles, sir.
Okay.
I go, of course I contacted the fucking vendor.
Of course he's a fucking farmer with nail.
And then he said, sir, if you could limit the profanity, that would be of a great importance.
That's crazy.
I am limiting the profanity.
That's the only fuck you're going to get this entire conversation.
Pretty limited.
One profanity.
Anyway, Chase just gives you the money.
They're not going to go on a massive hunt to find the guy.
Despite their name, they don't really.
I don't blame them.
And when I buy it, which I might later on today, when I buy Chase, I'm going to be the same way.
I'll just give you your money.
$132.
Amazing.
If you buy Chase, you're going to have to deal with all those Indians.
You're going to be like Willy Wonka with all these Indians.
Well, here's the question.
When you are on those third world calls and they're like, sir, I'm very sorry you're having a problem.
And you go, thank you, buddy.
That means so much to me that you are doing that to me today.
Do they go, all right, buddy, that's not cool.
Fuck you.
That's pretty rich.
Or are they like, that guy, I understand him better than most English peoples?
Yeah, they might not know an accent's happening.
Because if someone speaks to me in shitty French, like Bonjour, come on, sava.
Esque vous voulet de soup évec moi, I understand that way better than a real French accent.
Hey, bonjour que's fait bon le, en ve des grand jours, au je duido.
That's harder.
So I like shitty accents.
So maybe they do too.
My wife always ruins this shit, though.
Like I'll be speaking to someone in their accent And they don't know, and she'll go, He's an idiot.
He's sorry, he's not.
And I'm like, You just let the cat out of the bag, lady.
The tree had fallen in the woods and it wasn't making a sound.
That guy didn't know I was making fun of him until you apologized.
Now it's on the books.
Now he's hurt.
Fucking bitch.
You know what she said yesterday by accident?
She was talking about the NWACP.
Oh, yeah.
Niggas with attitudes colored people.
Oh, okay.
That's pretty good.
Right?
It's NAACP.
The National Advancement.
Wait, what does it stand for?
Advancement of Colored People?
Sounds like it.
What are the two A's?
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.
It is not the NWACP.
But anyway, the reason I played that song is because I was listening to it on Saturday before I got in a big fight and turned the music off.
I said, the party's over.
Tell me if this is, if I'm wrong here, okay?
My wife buys these tiny little snacks that are yogurt with M ⁇ Ms on the top.
You open up the top.
Have I already told this story?
No.
You peel open the M ⁇ M part.
You put the M ⁇ Ms on the little yogurt thing.
It's like three bites with a normal-sized spoon.
It's a little tiny snack, right?
Yeah.
Probably for school.
I don't know what it's for.
But an adult would never eat it.
An adult, if you really wanted yogurt, he'd have a fucking bowl of yogurt.
You want to put some sweeties on it?
Get some sweeties.
I can't believe I just said sweeties.
It's like saying kiddos.
But my elder boy, who's 13 and taller than me and wants to fight, so I'm constantly on my haunches.
He's sitting down with them and he has two three packs next to him.
And he's eating one.
He's looking at his phone and he's about, and he opens another.
So he's now on number two.
I go, no, no, no, no, no.
Those are little snacks.
If you want lunch, be a man.
Have a sandwich.
Have a turkey sandwich.
Have a normal growing man's lunch.
That's little kiddie snacks.
That's like eating 40 packs of those little goldfish.
And my wife was pissed because it started.
He's like, what is it to you?
Why do you care?
I go, why do I?
It's my house, my food, my everything.
And then he just has some pizza pockets and goes to his room.
And then my mother, my mother whoops again.
Dude, it happens so often.
That's profoundly embarrassing.
My wife stares at me like one of these death stares, like, and she goes, he's a growing boy.
They're like swimmers.
They're like Mark Spitz.
They just need calories.
My brother used to walk around with pockets full of candy.
It doesn't matter.
Why do you care?
And I'm like, it's a little kiddie snack.
You don't have 50 kiddie snacks.
Who's right?
Who's wrong?
I like the full meal thing, too.
Personally, I'll see my wife eating little snacks, but she's breastfeeding.
So she's got a similar argument.
I'm not against little snacks.
I'm against eight little snacks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just like eat.
Like, have a meal.
Those are for eight-year-olds, a little treat.
It might stunt your growth.
And she's also like, what about our other boy?
He has a big bowl of ice cream.
I go, yeah, that's a normal thing.
It's a dessert.
You have a bowl of ice cream.
It's not like I'm worried about the sugar.
It's the concept of eating 100 little snacks.
Yeah.
You know, like say, you know, those little mini Snickers bars?
Or you know what else he does?
He'll have like 50 Hershey's kisses.
Just eat some chocolate.
Don't have 100 little aluminum foil wrappers everywhere.
Yeah.
Of course you're going to agree with me because I'll fire you if you don't.
But folks at home, tell me if I'm wrong.
You have cold cuts and bread?
We got everything.
Dude.
We got to be making snacks.
I will say not great snacks.
Good.
I might do a video on the snacks in my house.
I'm not impressed.
It looks like the Bible in our pantry.
It's all these fucking wheat fins and pita and sun chips and like 900 versions of what they probably had in Israel 2,000 years ago.
Can we have some fucking salt and vinegar chips, please, bitch?
Yeah, I talk a big game when she, because I know she doesn't watch the show.
When you go home, you're like, honey, is there any chipperoos?
Some woman who knows my wife, her friend was like, you're hanging around with the Nazis, wife?
She's like, what?
You know, his new blog, he has a new blog where he rants about Jews.
What?
Nobody has a new blog where they rant about Jews.
Nobody's got a blog of Anna Kasparov.
What's a blog?
Do you have a time machine too?
And so I said, ask, it somehow ended up on my desk.
And I'm like, ask her to send the link.
You know what the link was?
An AIU video from a year and a half ago, or no, 14 months ago, where he talks about Anna Kasparian's hook nose.
So that is proof that I'm constantly ranting about Jews.
Wow, that's some digging.
I think a lot of Jews want to be like, oh, I suppose you hate me, right?
You're like the Jew.
You want to talk about the JQ, I guess, right?
Yeah, I know.
When you're dying.
Sorry.
Not on the radar.
It's like homophobia.
Oh, I guess you're scared of us.
The thought of me and my husband gives you nightmares.
No.
I'm not homophobic.
I'm home on board.
Yeah, this dude last night.
We were in Hell's Kitchen drinking.
This guy was a submarine vet.
Could not handle his liquor.
He started getting real weird.
Is that just like a vet right below the Marines?
You're just a submarine.
Yeah, good one.
He goes, at one point he said, and I quote, I would rather die a thousand deaths than fight alongside a Negro.
That's exactly what we did.
And the guy I was with was also a vet, and we both just burst out laughing.
I'm like, that's a t-shirt.
What are you talking about?
And then he went off about gays and how it's immoral and what they do Is a sin.
And I'm like, you sound like a fag.
And then at the end of the night, when we're all paying and wrapping up, he said something weird: like, I am in touch with my feminine side, and I understand that homosexuality is in all of us.
And I'm like, oh, so I was right.
You aren't family.
No.
You know what else?
One of the other guys told me, though, I'm like, let's call him Eddie.
Eddie, what are you doing?
You're having one beer?
I got to drive.
I got to drive Faw tonight.
And I go, you can have two beers by law.
He goes, let me tell you something.
I know every cop in this town.
I know every sheriff upstate.
They told me themselves, they go, if you get into an accident and you have 1.5 beers in your system, you're fucked.
And that's nothing I can do for you.
Because they give you a blood test when you get into an accident.
And if you're 1.5 beers over, you're dead.
Whoa.
So he's like, I'm not risking it.
Seems kind of valid.
Yeah, I guess.
I feel like drinking on one beer is more dangerous because I get, if I don't keep drinking after one beer, I get tired.
Now you're drowsy driving.
I could drink on 24 beers.
You could drink on 24 beers?
I bet.
Can you drive, though?
Sorry, I'm drunk.
I can speak on zero beers.
And then the last little tidbit from last night I thought was funny was this guy's got these boots that are like red wings, but they're not red wings.
I forget what they're called.
They're like Nordstroms or something.
It's an N word.
No, it's not that word.
And it's for red wing boots.
And he's an union electrician.
He's working at Lincoln Center.
And he looks at my outfit and he goes, what the fuck are you wearing?
And I go, I'm LARPing as you.
I dress blue color.
These welder pants are $350.
I spent a lot of money to look like you.
He goes, you fucking guys.
He goes, these boots, five years ago, they were $100.
Now they're $250 because of faggots like you.
And then I said, can I have a hard hat?
Do you have an extra hard hat for me?
He gave me a hard hat.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
He's the foreman of the whole.
They're spending like $10 million revamping the lighting for the Lincoln Center, which, by the way, has a flag.
It's on my Getter account.
It has a flag as big as the Lincoln Center on it.
Every city hall in New York, the Bronx everywhere, has a Ukrainian flag.
I didn't know.
They chose my side.
They chose sides for us.
I want them both to lose.
Okay, you know what I'm going to do, Ryan?
You can...
There it is.
Oh, wow.
Look at that.
I mean, Ukraine is probably the side we should go on, but it seems semi-controversial.
And it just, I find it unusual that there's a war at the other side of the world.
And we're like, that's our side.
Yeah.
It's, I'm, my sketch meter has gone off.
You don't know what the fuck's going on with that one.
Like, what if Iran and Iraq went to war?
We'd go, Iraq.
What about, like, Syria and Turkey?
Syria.
We'd pick Syria.
Put Syrian flags up.
You know who made a Nick Fuentes on that show?
What is it?
I'm Having a Good Day?
I'm fine, thank you.
That show that you were on.
I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
I like how the penny drops when you're wrong.
You're like, what is it?
Oh, yes.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
That's like when my friend Eric DeBras was trying to remember the band Dinosaur Jr., and he's like, what the fuck are they called?
T-Rex must do that.
Oh, Plasticine Donkey.
So anyway, Jay Mascus was playing for Plasticine Donkey.
I'm like, nope.
No, he was not.
You can go on the wide, Ryan.
I have to go get my lady's hair product to take care of this cowlick.
It's ruining the show.
You're Razak.
Play the song WAP as I go and I get my hair.
Okie and Doki.
I don't know if you guys realize this, but when I am doing this show, I'm looking at me, just like you.
There's a picture.
There's a monotaur.
So this podcast you're on, I'm doing great, the podcast.
I was listening to Nick Fuentez.
I almost finished it.
When he gets into Russia, it's very convincing.
It makes...
He knows his shit.
In fact, Ryan, that might be why I was sort of alarmed to see the Ukraine flag.
Because after hearing Nick's assessment of the whole thing, I was like, yeah, it seems doesn't seem like it's very obvious heroes or losers.
But, you know, we got some interesting mail, including a Ukrainian viewer who called me a retard.
And he said, your take on the view is absolutely retarded.
Did I say the view?
Yes.
Your take on the view.
Barbara Walton.
I always confuse that ladies' morning show with the carnage in Ukraine.
They're about the same.
He said, your take is retarded.
It's a real war shit for brains.
That's what I love about this show.
Only one of those things is worth watching, but they're very similar.
They're both equally horrible.
But, yeah, that song, by the way, is the thing I love about the reason I played on this show is it's Dave Wakeling is using his voice as an instrument.
And so is Ranking Roger.
If you recall, they went on to do general public.
Tenderness, where is it?
Tenderness?
We're moving up the hundreds.
And that was more of a Rankin Roger thing.
But I can't think of another band where men use their voices as instruments so much.
Now, this is him on Jonesy's Jukebox.
That's Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols.
That's Dave Wakeling now.
He's 62, for fuck's sakes.
That's how old everyone is.
But it's a really fun little conversation.
Those guys are just so fucking real.
You know what he said in this Interview, Dave Wakeling goes, Yeah, I was talking to a policeman in New York, a friend of mine, and we were both talking about when you get older, you get more conservative.
And the cop said, Yeah, it's because when you get older, it's harder to get out the way when there's trouble.
If there's some sort of riot or people are charging, you can't jump over a fence like you could when you were a young man.
So you don't want any trouble.
That's funny.
Because you can't move out of the way.
And then Steve Jones talks about how you're 17 until you look in the mirror.
Then you go, what the fuck is that?
I feel the same way.
Every time I see that fucking picture of me, when we do the mailbag, I'm like, who is that wrinkly senior citizen?
Every time I look in the mirror, I'm shocked that I'm Asian still.
I'm like, oh yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm a chink.
Yeah.
When I was on shrooms, it really hit me.
I looked in the mirror and I was like, what the?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm a rice ball.
Yeah.
I hate rice balls.
And I punched the mirror.
I started World War II.
I bombed Pearl Harbor.
I do puke porn.
I like tentacles and pussies and stuff.
I'm obsessed with seven-year-old girls.
And I like sticky beans in the morning that are akin to torture, apparently.
Ryan is, of course, referring to the fact that in Japanese prisons, they eat the same stinky rotten beans that he has in his leisure.
And when David Cho was in Tokyo, in prison, which is probably the greatest story I've ever heard, he assumed that he was being tortured and it was some sort of punishment.
What the fuck did they have us eating, dude?
Feeding him leeches.
That story is, I'll just briefly summarize it, okay?
He was doing an art show in Tokyo.
He was at a coffee table book fancy store, right?
He got a stack of coffee table books this big.
He was about to spend like two grand on coffee table books.
And then in the lineup, he's like, what the fuck am I doing?
These are going to cost me a fortune to ship back.
I'm even going to, am I going to get them on the plane?
I could probably get these, have them mailed.
I'm not doing this.
So he put the books down.
An undercover security guard sees him leave the store.
He didn't see him put down the books.
He thinks that David stole some books.
And they are racist in Japan.
And David Cho is not a nip.
He's a gook.
And they don't take kindly to the Koreans over there.
So maybe they could tell that he's not Japanese.
Anyway, the security guard starts chasing David.
And David just looks behind him.
And he's in a new country, in a new city.
He doesn't know anyone.
He's a street kid from LA, East L.A. And so he goes, oh, there's some guy chasing me.
He wants to fuck with me.
And the guy's wearing like a red, puffy ski jacket.
He doesn't look like a security guard.
So David takes a few corners.
The guy's still chasing him.
So David turns around the corner and then just fucking wham, nails him when this guy turns the corner, beats the shit out of him.
And then he runs away.
The guy calls the cops.
So now the cops are coming at him.
And he's like, what the fuck?
Now this is the weird part.
Dave decides to fight the police.
Okay.
He successfully beats them up, about three cops.
Then he runs around the corner and there's a six-foot-tall giant Japanese beast from Moonraker who kicks the shit out of Dave.
Then he's in prison.
And he, in Tokyo prison, if you can mail it, you can have it.
So you could mail someone inflatable furniture.
They could have this studio if we just mailed it in small pieces, right?
Outside of like a gun and shit, but like books, galore, you can have anything you want in a Tokyo prison if it can arrive in the mail.
So you could have all inflatable furniture.
The shithead that Dave knew there was getting all this mail and just like, didn't forward it.
It was too lazy.
Letters, gifts, books.
So Dave had fuck all in there.
I think he was in prison for four months.
And so he wanted to paint.
So he would use urine, feces, and blood as his paints.
And he made all these beautiful, all naked chicks because he was furiously masturbating the whole time out of sheer boredom.
He's alone in a fucking room with nothing but a futon.
So he would make porn out of his own excrement and then jerk off to it.
He almost beat up a cop to escape, too.
He had a phone number memorized and all this cool shit.
A whole plan to get out of Japan.
And I go, Dave, you got to be on locked up abroad.
And he goes, yeah, they contacted me, but I said, no, fuck it.
What?
It would be the best episode ever.
See, I don't get that.
My personality is every time I hear something good or interesting, I want to tell the world.
But other people aren't like that.
Even the Knights of Columbus, Hell's Kitchen, they have all these great Westie stories.
They showed me a picture of Jimmy Coogan the other day.
He's alive.
Coonin, sorry.
He's alive.
He's in prison.
They all know him.
And I'm like, guys, can you come on my show, please, and tell these Westie stories, please?
Everyone's dead.
I'm talking about the 80s.
You're not snitching.
And they're like, ah, those, the past should best stay in the past.
No.
I couldn't disagree more.
Ever heard of history?
How many stories are just dead because of that?
They're like, hey, man, sleeping lips never sail.
And you're like, all right, whatever.
Wait, did you just make that up?
Yeah.
Sleeping lips.
Not loose lips sink ships.
No.
But sleeping lips never sail.
That implies you want your lips to sail.
Oh, great.
My lips will never see the high seas.
Yeah, I guess that is correct.
Maybe don't invent your own colloquialisms if your IQ is 50.
I could make it make sense.
Loose lips don't sail.
Sleeping don't stop.
No, sleeping lips don't sail.
So if you put your lips to sleep, they're not going to sail into somebody's harbor and be heard.
Lips don't sail.
You're thinking of boats.
Not when they're sleeping, they don't.
No, they never do.
Because they're sleeping.
Nope.
Even if you're in the water and you stick your lips out of the top of the water, your lips are still not sailing.
Well, lips aren't really ever loose either.
Yeah, they are.
They're on just fine.
This is a tight lip.
It's literally tight.
But this isn't loose.
It's a loose lip.
I could make my lips tight and be like, I saw a crime happen that we are storming Pearl Harbor tomorrow.
The English are coming.
No one talks like this.
No one talks like the troops are going to be attacking Dresden on Thursday.
Jimmy Stewart.
Look, I shouldn't be telling anyone this, but I just got a letter from my boy.
He's up there in Germany.
They're going to be hitting Dresden hard tomorrow.
Speaking of loose lips.
Yesterday I wanted to bring this up because I don't know if you saw this, but it was on the Kanye topic.
Like a loose end, loose lip.
You see this clip of Kanye watching Tucker?
Freedom does not come from an election.
The freedom comes from you that money of purpose.
The freedom comes from you that take the purpose.
The freedom comes from you that considering your life matters.
But if they clutter your neighborhood with abortion clinics, they're lying.
This is facts, bro.
Well, the other guy in the car was like, stop listening to this shit, bro.
But it's so good.
TMZ reported that many people at Kanye West Circle believe he needs, quote, serious help.
And then sent it an anonymous family member who explained that he's experiencing a bipolar episode.
Maybe he is.
We don't know.
But it doesn't mean what he said is wrong.
Boom!
Of course, they were horrified by calling crazy as quick as you can before I knew what makes it.
Love and Tugger.
I'm going to make a t-shirt of this.
The guy yelling is always right.
Yeah.
I just saw some video of a guy getting tased at the Dallas airport, and he's like, I spent $2,000.
Why the fuck am I not on that plane?
And the cops are there with tasers.
And I'm like, yeah, why the fuck aren't you on that plane?
You spent $2,000.
Even like the lunatics on the street sometimes screaming about Jesus and the end of the world.
Yeah, we're in a war with Russia.
The state news agency was declaring they want Alaska back and that they could retaliate with nuclear warheads and they want to see mass hangings in Ukraine.
That's pretty end of daisy.
So even the homeless nuts are correct.
Speaking of Trump, let's just do a Trump thing.
I got some Trump shit I want to do.
We're going to discuss Trump.
Do we have a Trump card?
I think we have a Gay for Trump card.
Okay, let's play the Gay for Trump.
Interstitial, I believe, is the legal term here in the U.S. Look how cool my Anita Fashions lining is.
It matches my tie.
You should match your lining with your tie, because when you get somewhere and it's hot and you take your jacket off, people see those little zoops.
And they're like, ooh, you didn't show it off.
You were hiding it.
It's like when I went to my friend Guido Patrice's house when I was 12, and in the basement, he's got a whole drum kit.
I go, what the fuck?
You play the drums?
He goes, yeah, I play the drums.
I'll play it for a while.
He gets it on them.
He never told anyone.
As opposed to Styx, the character on Happy Days, who had to carry around drumsticks and be like, hi, I'm the drum guy.
No, it's way better when people discover that you've got a trick up your sleeve.
All right.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done.
I'm gay.
And I love you.
And yes, together, we will make America great again.
Okay, play it.
You want to get some chills?
Play 19.
On my MAGA dad group, which is in the suburbs, yes, they live there too.
They sent me this and they said, remember having a real president?
Let's watch some porn.
Gay porn together.
The way it was meant to be.
Filibustering.
Okay.
Maybe.
Because videos are good.
We like them.
They look like stuff.
They sound like stuff.
They're good.
So we're going to watch one here today.
Together.
Mr. President.
Y'all just too good.
We the people.
All movement is the reason why our president of the United States is standing here in front of us today.
But with our great military, these are great things.
You jump.
When President Trump promised all these things that he's going to do for us, I knew he was going to do this for us.
There's one more thing.
Tonight we have a very special,
beautiful bird.
I'm tearing up.
So did you see the Nelk Boys podcast he was on?
I did.
I watched the whole damn shit.
Where can I get it?
Bitch shoot, I believe, or Rumble?
Something like that.
Okay.
On their Twitter, they posted a place you could find it.
So YouTube deleted it because of misinformation?
Yeah.
No.
They deleted it because the sin in America today is to be charming And to like Trump and to make Trump more popular, to disseminate his message.
That is the sin.
In other words, the DNC controls the American conversation.
And they are treating all social media, all of our accesses to information as a PR firm.
And they've decided no, Nelk Boys are popular, especially with young people.
That's a mortal sin.
So, off it goes.
There's no content on that episode that was offensive.
There was no misinformation about COVID.
He's been vaxed.
He's pro-vax.
Lefties hate him.
I mean, sorry, far-righties hate him for his vax shit.
But he's absolutely, there is absolutely no reason to ban that besides it made Trump look good.
Why are Max and John in prison?
Because they fought Antifa.
Antifa is the paramilitary wing of the DNC.
In other words, they offended the DNC.
Now I'm saying, in other words, like Howard Stern, every second word.
So pull up the next one.
2-0.
And quite the DJ here at Marlotto.
I heard you're spinning.
You DJ?
Would you believe it?
I love music.
I have an aptitude for music.
What type of music?
During, you know, over our lives, we take tests and aptitude tests and all this.
I've always had a high aptitude for music, but I love great music.
So do you actually spin or do you kick?
This is what people don't get about Trump.
He's a bullshitter, not a liar.
It's a New York thing.
I think a big problem with him is Midwesterners don't get New Yorkers.
I could shoot someone on 42nd Street and get away with it.
I couldn't literally shoot someone.
You're exaggerating.
Now, he said, I have a high aptitude for music.
He just means that I love music and I have a big recollection and I do well when I, not recollection, but music collection, and I do well when I DJ parties, when I play music at parties.
He colors that up by saying, you know, tests, people have an aptitude.
They do tests for this, tests for that.
He didn't literally do a musical aptitude test.
He's just saying that he has a gift and if he were to test, he would do well.
It's a colorful way of talking.
It's kind of Scottish, actually, and I think his mother's Scottish.
I want to pick the ones out there.
What's your go-to banger on the internet?
Well, I have a lot of them.
I have a lot of them.
Don't wear shorts to a Trump interview, by the way, dude.
Dons don't wear shorts.
That's a soprano screen.
It is, yeah, yeah.
It does get people moving, though.
You know, I'll play beautiful.
I love Broadway stuff and, you know, Phantom of the Opera and Les Miz, etc.
You know what gets him rocking?
YMCA?
I heard you're becoming quite the DJ here.
Now, you know why that's relevant?
Yeah.
Do you remember when Biden was on that talk show with that black dude who was desperately trying to kiss his ass and give him a free commercial?
And they were trying to get the black vote.
And he keeps fucking it up by saying things like, come on, man.
You don't vote for me.
You ain't black.
They're going to put you back in chains and other idiotic statements.
But the guy goes, so what kind of music do you listen to?
Very easy, probably pre-written.
You could have come up with like, I don't know, the Eagles, Hotel California.
Like, it's a pretty, it's a pretty soft pass.
And he goes, oh, all kinds of stuff.
Yeah.
I like all kinds of music, fast music, slow music.
And he goes, okay.
You're not really taking the bait here.
What songs do you listen to to get pumped?
And Trump will say it.
Why MCA?
Yeah.
He'll get specific.
He's not scared.
He's brave and he knows who he is.
He's sure of himself.
Biden just goes, oh, and then he said this when pressed to give an actual song he used to get pumped.
He goes, I probably shouldn't say.
And then the black guy laughs his head off.
What is it?
Do hast?
Yeah, what is it?
Like anal cunt?
Is it vaginal swastika?
It's gore, man.
It's screwdriver.
It's a song called Nigger, Nigger, Ro, Ro, Row by Screwdriver.
It's...
Wait, they cut this part out.
This was hilarious.
It's an underrated track.
Do you know?
Is it an underrated?
I think so.
Well, it gets a lot of...
Is it an underrated?
Wait, but...
YMCA.
The gay national anthem.
Did you ever hear that?
They call it the gay national anthem.
YMCA gets people up.
I wanted to use that as a drop, so if there's ever a gay song, you're like, it's the gay national anthem, frankly.
So yeah, deleted.
Knockboys.
By the way, speaking of songs and offensive songs that you probably shouldn't say, we've always known racist music.
When you think of racist music, you think of the bands I just mentioned, right?
Screwdriver and the like and maybe some old country songs.
But what people don't understand is racism is all but completely absent in America.
But as soon as you leave our borders, especially western borders, racism is quote unquote alive and well.
And remember we saw those Chinese basketball fans yelling the N-word at the team.
I can't remember what angered them, but they were laughing and screaming the N-word at every player who came off the bus.
You notice I say N-word when it would be offensive, but I say nigger if it's like the title of the song.
Oh no, but we're supposed to say right.
Anyway, so the Chinese people are yelling at the basketball players.
And Ryan and I recently discovered this unbelievably offensive, and I'm hard to offend, but this is just, so you know that in China, they're destroying the lives of the Uyghurs and not just inconveniencing them and starving them, but literally murdering them.
It is ethnic cleansing.
But because no one wants to offend China, they let it go.
And the juxtaposition, like if this was in America, people would, it would be hair-whiteningly offensive.
But this guy, what's his name?
Oh, Johnny Leber.
Johnny Leber?
Yeah, Leber.
Johnny Leber.
That sounds like Leper.
So this guy, Johnny Leber, he writes songs about how much he hates Uyghurs, if you can believe that.
There he is.
Some Uyghurs never die.
They just smell that way.
It's terrible.
And this is a popular song over there.
Like, this guy's a folk hero in China.
Yeah, I think this is like a greatest hits commercial.
Everyone's cowboys and Uyghurs.
What is that?
Oh, this one here.
They claim to be wild Indians from the prairie.
Disgusting.
Horrible.
Go make a cowboy and a wiggle out of game.
Okay.
Oh, I get it.
So are you Chinese?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Look.
I thought you might be Japanese.
So is this guy popular over there?
Oh, very popular.
He's like 100% like top artist, you know.
Like a lot of people sing songs like that from him, you know.
And I don't know, it's pretty controversial.
Yeah, it seems like that song, he said, the house next door to me is full of Uyghurs.
They claim to be wild Indians from the plains.
Yes.
And so he's not, the guy isn't buying it, obviously.
And he's saying, we're going to make cowboys and Uyghurs our new game instead of cowboys and Indians.
Yeah, cowboy, yeah.
Cowboy used to kill Indian.
And some Uyghurs never die.
They just smell that way.
This is in a climate where Uyghurs are being murdered.
Yeah, so in some sense of terrible, really, but it's like catchy, kind of catchy.
I'm getting the feeling you're not genuinely offended by it.
You think some of it is okay.
Well, you know, music is like expression, right?
So even though it's kind of mean, you know, it's kind of fun.
What's this Uyghur hating me?
Play that song.
This one's pretty good.
It sounds like one of the worst.
Or should I took out a hold of Wigger hating me?
Wow.
Yikes.
That's really.
That's indefensible, I'd say.
It's totally and utterly indefensible.
And it just shows you, like, I think I always say America is the least racist country in the world.
And I think we're so parochial here.
You know, I think two-thirds of Americans don't even have a passport.
So they don't travel.
They don't see the way that other people talk.
And in, I find that word offensive, Uyghur.
Yeah.
And to hear them say that in China like that and Uyghur hating me, I don't know.
It's just wrong.
It's terrible because they put it like in a nice little envelope where you're like, you want to tap your toe to it, but then you listen to lyrics and it's like, yikes.
And you don't hear about it.
You know?
The media, you'll never see that guy.
Johnny, what's his name?
Johnny Leber.
You'll never see Johnny Leber in the American news, in Daily Mail.
They won't go near it.
But if it was an American singing that about, I don't know, some other group, forget about the goddamn news.
All right, let's lighten up a bit.
Dude, this new Nicholas Cage movie, how long have we been talking for?
About 43 minutes.
This new Nicholas Cage movie looks like hot fire.
Cool.
It got 100% Rotten Tomatoes.
Now, we know Rotten Tomatoes is woke, but the guys that work there still like movies.
So I think it's consequential when they give 100% after the movie debuted at South by Southwest Film Festival.
But let's have a look at the trailer.
High quality.
I can't wait to see this.
Although, let me give you a tip.
I've already watched this trailer.
It looks fucking awesome.
But like all trailers, there's a little too much exposition.
So if you really want to enjoy yourself and you're a big movie fan, I would recommend skipping forward and not watching the trailer.
Because you basically have seen the movie by the time you're done.
I just looked this up too.
I was like, how many trailers gave away a movie's ending?
And there's a lot.
There's a whole list.
Mashable does a compilation of it.
Like Survivor or no, Castaway with Tom Hanks.
Well, didn't you say the soundtrack to the Batman gives it away?
Yeah.
Well, not entirely, but they tell you when characters are getting rolled out and like what.
Track three, I'm locked up.
Track four, they forgot to lock the door.
It's kind of like that.
Like if you're smart.
Track five, the great escape.
Track seven, Joker's now fucked, now that I got out.
Track 10, hanging in a cage over sharks.
Track 11, going up the top of the cage and crawling up the chain and then going along the I-beans and not getting eaten by sharks at all.
Surprise, battering, bitch.
End of penguin.
Joker in jail, last song.
Nice place.
Maybe I ought to get into the olive business.
Mr. Cage, excuse me, real quick.
The guy that owns this house, what's his name?
Hubby.
Javi.
Is Javi going to want me to, uh, you know.
I'm not sure I understand.
Look, if Javi wants me to suck his or f ⁇ his wife or watch me watch him f ⁇ his wife, that's a no-go.
You understand?
That's no bueno.
I think so.
Okay, and if Javi...
Same hubby.
Nick Cage.
Wow.
What's the worry here, Nick?
You've lost some of your talent as an actor?
No.
What did he say?
He says he loves you, but he went in a different direction.
I'm done.
I'm putting actors.
You know what's rave about this, too?
I think Nicholas Cage's career is in the shitter.
Like, the last movie I saw him in, he had no dialogue at all, and it was a retarded horror movie.
Oh, we watched that together, yeah.
About the toys at, like, Chuck E. Cheese coming.
The Pants at Freddy type thing.
Yeah, the monsters at Chuck E. Cheese coming to life and killing everyone.
I mean, it would definitely be a really cool, crazy movie for a 12-year-old.
Yeah, so you probably liked it.
I wanted to like it so bad, I did not.
I was sad.
It's just corny as shit.
And you're watching it going, wow, this is I'm watching the end of a man's career.
A great actor's career.
I mean, Raising Arizona.
Everyone likes Face Off and the corny stuff.
I like Valley Girls and Raising Arizona.
I like Young Punk Nick.
A tremendous honor to be a part of storytelling and myth-making.
Fuck me.
I'm driving through the hills.
One more time.
We got another offer.
It's a million bucks.
It's to attend a wealthy gentleman's birthday party.
You would never do that.
It's the easiest gig ever.
You play yourself.
What do we know about this guy anyway?
Zee into something strange?
I wouldn't think so.
They wrecked this by giving us the teaser for the trailer at the beginning of this.
Sorry, folks.
Repeating shit.
God, this place is stunning.
What is your favorite?
Anyway, let's stop.
Let's stop.
Let's stop.
You get the idea.
It looks really cool.
He becomes best friends with this guy.
Then he finds out that the guy is like El Chapo.
And then the FBI says, we need you to investigate him.
Okay, I have something retarded to say, but no one has ever been able to answer this.
And the responses I've gotten from both criminals and law enforcement suck.
Let me present a scenario, all right?
I'm hanging out.
I start getting friends with mobsters.
They take me aside, just like Drea DiMateo in The Sopranos, and they go, we need you to wear a wire.
Or we're going to throw your family in prison and you're all going to die and blah, blah, blah.
Something that would make, because obviously your first thing is going to be no, but they'd have to have something on you like you're going to go to jail for 40 years and you never see your children again, right?
Somewhere where you have no, basically no choice.
You need to wear a wire.
Why not write on your forehead with Sharpie, hey Tony, the FBI got me.
I'm wearing a wire.
Yeah.
It's written on your forehead.
Hey, Tone.
How you doing?
Fuck that.
How you doing, Tone?
And he's like, this is a very difficult situation.
Like, I brought this up to a law enforcement guy and he goes, oh, by the time the FBI gets you, you're fucked.
There's no getting out.
What the fuck does that mean?
Or what if you had a code where you're like, if you come here with a wire, we'll set all this shit up.
Just come in and be like, how you doing?
Yeah.
And then talk about, you're going to steal some chapstick on Thursday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, give me some dumb, useless bones.
That's what Whitey Bulger did.
He was an informant for the FBI, and he never gave them shit.
And after, I don't know, 10 years of them going, yeah, we're not worried about chapstick being stolen.
You don't have any murders coming?
He's like, I'm doing my best.
I'm this close to something big.
He just strung them along.
Nice.
I don't get it.
By the way, when I was looking up Nick Cage, he just got remarried to an infant.
Okay, so that's...
He got drunk in Vegas and married that chick who's damn fine.
No, I know her.
She was in Fargo.
Oh, really?
Yep.
I like the movie.
I like Asians more than most of our viewers for some reason.
I don't know.
Like, those eyes are what girls do with their makeup.
And when they have big lips and stuff.
I find if you're going to go for an Asian chick, though, you want her to have a tattoo.
Because if she doesn't have a tattoo, then she's a fob.
And if she's a fob, you're going to have cultural problems.
Like with my, with Gen X, I couldn't really get with a girl who didn't get my happy days jokes.
So if they don't know who the Fonz is, what are you doing?
And this is what I don't get about these guys who date 20-year-olds.
What the fuck do you talk about?
So he broke up with her after four days, and now he's with this other chick.
Wait, that's a different chick, that I thought.
I don't know why you went to 14C.
It was 14B I needed.
Yeah, that's her.
Dude, not only, like, she's 27.
He's 57 or something.
30 years older.
And not only is she 27, she's a very young-looking 27.
She looks like a fucking child, dude.
I don't want to ruin the movie for you.
But what are you doing?
Scroll down a bit.
Look her up.
Google image her, actually.
Riko Shibata.
Oh, and not only is she 30 years younger than you, so she won't get any of your references.
She's Japanese, dude.
Like, they don't even do humor the same as us.
Right?
No, I don't think so.
By the way, your Japanese guy is not Chinese.
Eyebrows?
I don't think he's Japan.
I've always seen him as Japanese.
He talks like your dad.
Oh.
Look at her.
She's an attractive 12-year-old.
Yeah, what the?
What the?
You know when little kids wear makeup and you go, eh?
That's what she looks like.
Yeah, that's bizarre.
She just has like swollen big hands for me.
Like, if my daughter, who's 15, brought her home and said, hey, Rico's sleeping over, I'd be like, hi, girls.
Don't stay up past one.
Try to turn the TV down.
Downstairs we can hear it through the floor.
Look at that.
Like, it's a child.
That's not a woman.
That's not like Sophia Loren is a woman.
You know, you want to like get into her folds and like get lost in her tits.
You don't want to get lost in that.
There's nothing to get lost in.
No, you want to buy her a GPS so she doesn't get lost when she goes into the city shopping At a hot topic and forever 21.
What are you doing, dude?
You fucking dummy.
I wish I could show you this: the Asian chick that I thought she was, because I think you would think she's a smoker, and you don't have to be like, oh, that's a 12-year-old.
I think my favorite nip of all time is the chick who was on that space age science fiction drama with Justin Thoreau.
She's British.
She's a ballerina.
She's a woman.
Why did I say it like that?
She's a woman.
Oh, Susan Park.
I thought this was her for some reason.
Who's Susan Park?
Yuck.
Well.
No, that looks like the woman when you go to Beijing.
She facilitates your hotel and then gives you a bus pass.
She looks like an administrator.
She's gross.
That chick's super hot.
But find the chick.
You know the Justin Thoreau thing?
I know she was on the hottest chicks of all time.
Oh, I think she was, yes.
Let's see.
Anyway, while you're digging that up.
Look at 1.6.
Speaking of guys into Asian chicks, this guy is fucking awesome.
Mad lad of the year when it comes to pussy.
This guy, I find, you're probably not going to like her, but I find his Chinese wife attractive.
But they weren't getting along.
Their marriage was falling apart.
Ex-Goldman exec takes helicopters everywhere he goes.
He's a player.
So that girl's his first wife.
You probably don't find her attractive, right?
That looks like Mao to you.
Yeah.
It does.
She's super hot.
Zingling Ping, actually.
But he likes Kimora Lee Simmons, as do I. They would call her Chinky Giraffe in high school.
They didn't call you that ever, though, did they, Ryan?
No, they didn't.
They call me Chinky.
Chinky Pygmy?
Yeah, because it's short.
So he's like, I want to get with Kimora Lee.
My marriage is falling apart.
My wife wants a divorce.
But Kimora Lee doesn't want to step on any toes.
I know.
I'll hack into my wife's email and send Kimura Lee emails that go, hey, I hear you guys are dating.
Look, that's totally so hot fire.
Don't worry about it.
You guys have a great time.
We haven't slept together in like 10 years.
So you just rock on.
So he maintained a relationship with his ex-wife and Kimora Lee that was his email.
Like, I think he started a new email account.
And this went on for years until Kimura considered her a good friend.
And she would say, hey, why don't you come on vacation with us?
You can be with the kids.
And she's like, oh, no, I'm so busy.
I got into car accidents.
I'm not going to make it, you guy.
But you have a great time.
I think you're really number one.
I'm so glad you're with my husband.
Oh, and minor detail.
He's also helping embezzle tens of millions of dollars from a Malaysian hedge fund.
Or Judy Chan.
That kind of guy.
Is that her name?
Judy Chan?
I'm not saying infidelity is cool.
Just back up a bit.
They were done.
This is the chick you're looking for.
Sonoya Muzuno.
Okay.
Yeah, see, that's not a child.
That's a woman.
That's a 10.
This is the one with the glasses?
You know what?
Like, this is what you want.
When you get older, you want to be able to fuck a girl and then go out for breakfast.
Like, that woman looks like if she had a yeast infection and you went to Paris for three days and her vagina was sealed up with pus, you'd be like, oh, well, let's have some fun.
Are we sure that's the one with the glasses?
In that movie that you like?
In the Justin Thoreau thing?
Yes.
If you see her doing ballet, yeah, that's her.
I recognize her.
There's another one.
Glasses are...
That adds a 10.1.
There's another rice ball on the list.
Oh, no.
Rosie Okamura apparently is not a rice ball.
No.
You know who's fucking ugly now?
Who that?
Jennifer Garner.
Oh, yeah.
She's always had, like, very strong features.
She was in that movie Lies with the Office Guy.
Some of the complaints will be lies.
Ricky Jevins.
Ricky Gevines.
The invention of Lawrence.
She played the most beautiful woman in the world, right?
And it was totally believable because she was.
Now, she's a two.
You know what?
We were watching Ocean's 11 and Julia Roberts, very beautiful.
Very beautiful.
Look up Jennifer Garner Charity Homeless.
And you'll see a one.
Charity Homeless.
Ladies, you're not pretty forever.
Get a ring on it.
Here's what I keep screaming, ladies, if you're watching.
At 25, stop fucking everything that moves and look at this guy and say, is this a good investment for me?
If he's a musician, dump his ass.
He's going to cheat on you.
If he's a DJ, dump his ass.
He's going to cheat on you.
If he's a photographer, dump his ass.
He's going to cheat on you.
Very simple.
Those guys are not reliable.
Sorry, dudes.
I'm breaking the bro code here.
And guys, you got laid.
The kids today are getting laid at like 14, 15.
All right.
You got laid.
You fucked a bunch of different jigs.
You've noticed the vaginas, not that much variety.
It's not like there's big ones, small ones.
They're all pretty much the same.
Boobies, meh, one worry.
They're all pretty similar.
You know now if you're an ass man, whatever.
Propose.
Get a ring on it.
I always say to these guys, what are you waiting for?
Herb with bigger tits?
Fucking grow up.
So this is, it's sad because she was very prominent in Ocean's 11, Julie Roberts.
She's pretty, right?
There's some prettiness.
And then you go to Ocean's 12, and my wife turns to me, she's like, wow, she got old.
That's so sad.
And she is not a main character in the movie any longer.
For sure.
Yeah, they just like, they see her like in the beginning, and she's like, honey, hide.
And then she's like, I'm going to look like Steve Tyler somewhere else.
And she hides.
And then, I mean, on the one hand, you go, It must be fucking weird to be beautiful your whole life, and then one day you're not.
But on the other hand, you knew it was coming, right?
Yeah, and they replace her with Catherine Zeta Bones.
Oh, she looks great.
And then she probably ages and Ocean's 13, and then she's gone.
She's old as shit, Catherine Zeta Jones.
What is she looking like these days?
With her toxic vagina that gives men cancer.
Of course, my co-host is referring to what's his name, who has Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas has esophagal cancer, and they say it could be linked to venereal warts that were on her pussy.
To which Michael Douglas said it was worth it.
Uh-oh.
Whoa.
Oh, no.
Wow.
So I don't know what we were seeing in that previous picture, but whatever.
Everyone ages.
Like, I don't want to be, I hate this whole, like, uh-oh, what happened to her?
She should be hot.
Yeah, everyone ages.
They always said that about fucking Carrie Bradshaw.
Whoa, she looks way shittier than she did when she was 18 in Star Wars in 1982.
Yeah, that happens.
What kind of creepy world would it be if that didn't happen?
True.
All right, let's hit the mail B. Right?
It's been like an hour.
Shut up, you don't have a dead.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
Well, we're waiting.
Sorry.
My phone was charging because I didn't sleep in my bed last night because my youngest kid was in my bed.
Which is, it's kind of a weird thing, too, because I would come in the bedroom.
He's all splayed out.
He's getting big now.
He's nine.
And my wife was there.
She's kind of snoring.
And I'm like, I could fight for my sliver or I could just sleep in his bed.
But then part of me is like, is this some weird kind of like caveman alpha thing where the young pup is kicking the alpha out of his cave?
Is this a good message to send?
So anyway, that's why my phone was charging, but I got to show you this picture of Jennifer Garner.
It's shocking.
Tell me, love.
Tell me, sweet little.
It's hard to be a feminist, which I am, and then also be a petty little bitch and say, she's not hot.
But they have one job.
It's to look good.
Well, you know what Jennifer Anniston's secret is.
She takes sleeping pills and she sleeps like 12 hours a night.
She looks pretty good there.
That's one she's releasing.
The one I sent you is a fucking screen grab from a video.
Okay.
This guy's emailed me several times with this quote.
He's very happy with this quote.
And his quote is...
Here we go.
There we go.
Look at that.
Isn't that a nice granny?
That looks like my granny.
Nice tranny granny.
Oh my God, we're going to have tranny grannies soon.
Yeah, true.
Well, tranny granny.
Judging by the suicide rates, there's not going to be a lot of tranny grannies, but there'll be a few.
Well, that's why I've always said bisexualism is a lie because there's not a lot of old bisexuals just gardening.
I was recommending Censored TV to a friend and found my last line of the description of what you guys offer to be worth sharing.
Here's his sentence.
It's a shot of whiskey in a world in love with powder puff idiocy.
Okay, let me just fix your sentence there because in love adds too many ribbons to a painting that is already putrefied.
What?
You should say it's a shot of whiskey in a world of powder puff idiocy.
Anyway, that guy wanted us to make sure we read that.
Here is an article someone or a video where someone says proud boys are compared to Ukraine Nazis.
Okay.
I bet that's by a smart person.
Why does Russia think there's Nazis in Ukraine?
So back in 2014, pro-Russian separatists seized government buildings in the Donbass region of Ukraine.
Russia took advantage of this chaos by flooding volunteers and weapons into that region.
Some civilians formed militias of their own and fought the separatists.
And one of those units was kind of like the Ukrainian equivalent of the Proud Boys or the Klu Klux Klan.
I mean, look at that battalion flag.
That's not a good look.
This battalion fought bravely, but they also tortured some separatists and they have a pretty extreme ideology.
But Ukraine integrated this unit into their army because the Ukrainian Constitution guarantees freedom of speech.
Look at this guy.
He's got his whole setup, his whole little media room, and he's so shitty at his job that he thinks the KKK, Proud Boys, and Ukrainian white nationalists are all the same.
You're a fucking amateur, Ryan Macbeth.
Beta.
Beta!
Even speech, you or I might not agree with.
Like, I don't mind when some old lady says something dumb like that, and it's not her area of expertise, but look at him.
He's got all his monitors everywhere and his little Zoom camera light and all this shit, all this equipment.
So he's clearly dedicating a lot of time to it, and he sucks that bad.
He looks like if Paul Basile wasn't cool.
Which Paul Basil?
So wait, he's defending freedom of speech.
I'd love to see his takes on freedom of speech no matter what in America.
Well, I tell you what.
Does he think Proud Bush should be Johnny Leber guy?
I mean, I want freedom of speech, but if something needs to get banned, he's pretty rough.
That's pushing the boundaries of free speech.
I'm not sure I would allow it in my country.
Here's a shitty rap music video.
No, let's do something here.
We get a lot of good Ukraine letters, and I'm at the point now where I prefer reader mail to find out what's going on in Ukraine than to the media.
So here's the one I was talking about earlier.
It's called, for your sake, Ryan, Russia-Ukraine War.
High returds.
I presume he's calling Ryan and I retards.
Ouch.
Which hurts.
By the way, cannot say enough about when someone says they retired, you go, he's not retarded.
He's a smart guy.
I've done that joke once a day my entire life.
Every time I hear the word retired, it always gets a laugh.
It is always a smash hit.
And then here's another little side tangent.
We were driving back from this big boxing match in Brooklyn that had our gym and a bunch of other gyms all competing, and it was a really fun afternoon.
And I'm with the owner.
I'm driving him to a bar.
And he's in the passenger seat.
And I just started fucking ripping, screeching around corners.
And he was panicking.
He's holding on to the little side things.
I'm going, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
His ass is off the seat.
He goes, I'm getting out.
I'm getting out.
Next time you stop, I'm getting out.
This fuck, stop.
Stop screaming.
Stop holding on to the dash.
And I go, I go, laughing, remembering it.
I go, we're not stopping, dude.
You're never getting out.
And I'm going through stop signs and stuff.
He's screaming hysterically.
I realized that I had never laughed or hadn't laughed that hard in like years.
And I realized the three things that make me die the most, like belly laughs where it's just euphoria, like endorphins, driving like a lunatic and scaring your passenger.
Watching your friend barf.
And then third, having a fart so bad that it makes your friend dry heave and have to leave the room.
But not just leave the room.
He has to suffer.
Yeah.
It's not a joke.
I'm a Ukrainian baby monster.
Love you and the show.
I've been with you since Spotify podcast, where you basically retold the death of cool.
Your take on the war is retarded.
There are no Nazis in Ukraine.
Basically the same as the U.S. We're very friendly people and share a lot of Western values.
Here is a fraction of an archive of war moments I've been collecting for the last 12 to 13 days.
This is a real war, Gavin.
Small cities are being destroyed.
Russians are killing civilians indiscriminately and are committing war crimes on a daily basis.
There was not nearly the same amount of destruction in eight years of fighting rebels in Donbass.
Also, most of the top brass in Donbass are Russian puppets that came there around when the conflict started in 2014.
The referendum for the independence was fake.
Yes, there are ethnic Russians.
No, they were never oppressed by the government.
If you want, I can send you the whole archive.
Also, I recommend following those channels on Telegram for accurate, unbiased reporting by independent journalists.
I like your new sunglasses.
Alexi.
I don't know if we ever said that there weren't atrocities happening.
It's just like what the narrative was, was a little sketchy.
Right?
Like if somebody specifically said about 70% of the war is fake, 30% is real.
He's saying, no, 98% is real.
But Brian, why don't you have the videos mounted?
I got them.
So what do we got here?
Not safe for work.
And SFW, this looks like cadavers.
Oh, my God.
Okay, next.
That's horrific.
I can't believe we just showed that.
It is horrific, but your response is...
Laughing, running over cadavers.
Jesus.
More blood.
Explosion.
More bodies and death.
Next.
Isn't it amazing how, like, in the Bosnian War, you had Serbians and Croats, Muslims and Christians that were neighbors whose kids were playing together last week, just murdering each other?
It's amazing how it just turns us into animals instantly.
Is that just a boot with a leg?
Oh, it sure is.
Oh, my God.
NSFW.
Where do you run?
Maybe you run to the spot where the bomb just hit.
There's going to be a boom.
And those are residential complexes.
I don't know.
It's weird.
I talk to people who know what they're doing and are well connected in the military and even in European political spheres, and they are really scared.
I'm not remotely scared.
Yeah, people have been buying, what is it, sodium iodide?
So they chained a man to a post until he froze to death, I guess.
potassium iodide, people buying for nuclear fallout.
And now packs of that that are going for 14 are now selling on eBay for like $140.
He's not really showing us the telegrams we're supposed to follow.
I don't see any names except for that one.
The people of any country are never always innocent.
They're not complicit in these things that are happening here.
But like if somebody went to war with America, they would have an argument.
I guess the big picture here is I don't care.
I'm sorry.
I don't.
The West is the best, and I've never really given a shit about anything outside of the West.
I don't have room.
I don't have enough cares.
And I don't believe a lot of people when they say they care.
I don't believe them.
When they see a mudslide in Sri Lanka and they start bawling, no, you don't really give a shit.
I'll ask you about it in two days and you won't know what I'm talking about.
Okay, so here's another angle.
Now, this guy is in Texas, not Ukraine.
So I think I take the first guy's letter more seriously than this.
But he goes, looks like the majority of the war, it's called Another Day, Another Media scam.
Looks like the majority of the war in Ukraine is just theater, like the COVID scam.
So this guy went down there.
Don't get hand tattoos, people.
Maddie Odell can pull it off.
That's about it.
Okay, so skip ahead.
I've already watched this.
This guy goes in to Poland, and then he is able to get to Kiev from Poland.
And his contention is that there's nothing going on.
It's just a lot of media and actors.
I don't know.
All right, that's enough, Ukraine.
Boring.
There's props and stuff.
I don't know.
I'm not so big on discrediting the actual thing happening.
It's just, you know, it's really suspicious when you see Pelosi with a Ukrainian flag.
It makes you think twice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes I judge things by the people involved.
Like, the one thing I loved about Trump was his fans way more than him.
And the thing that's making me uneasy about Ukraine is their fans.
I mean, Zelensky is a Russian folk hero who made his hundreds of millions by doing Russian comedy to Russians.
How is he not a Russian oligarch?
Hey, Gav, this is the last one.
It's called About to Dump a Girl.
Kind of like About a Boy.
Hey, Gav, I'm about to break up with a girl I've known for over a year and been dating for six months.
Should I just invite her over and break up with her out of the blue?
Or should I tell her we need to talk?
Can you come over?
So she has a hint of what's going on before I do it in person.
The reason I'm dumping her is I have zero sexual attraction to her anymore, and the emotional attachment isn't strong either.
Okay, it doesn't sound like we can salvage this.
This was my attitude back in my single days.
People work in the sewers.
People go to war.
You can sit down and have a shitty five-hour conversation with someone.
If you're firing someone, it's best to make it short and sweet.
No, we're not fixing it.
No, I'm not kidding.
Yes, you'll get severance.
It's not working out.
Goodbye.
But this girl sucked your cock.
So you owe it to her to sit down, let her cry.
Sorry.
The same goes for chicks, by the way.
Although, if I was to talk to a guy about getting dumped, I would say the second she says, look, I just feel that we need, walk out.
The second they go, well, I want to get her back.
Okay, you're not getting her back, but if there is a snowball's chance in hell of you getting her back, it's not going to be from you sitting there and crying and pleading your case.
It's going to be you going, whatever, fuck you, leaving and then seeing her at a party in two months.
Now, there's also the relationships where they fake dump, she fake dumps him, and then she's crying at a party weeks later saying, why didn't you fight for me?
And I see that in marriage a lot, where the woman is like, we need to get a divorce, and it's kind of a weird bluff, and then it snowballs out of control.
That's not what this is.
This is a guy who definitely is not into this girl.
Why marry her?
It's going to be a waste of your life.
But she's done a lot for you.
You guys have had a connection.
And it's your obligation to sit there for up to five hours.
But maybe you'll get it out in three and sit there and say, I'm sorry, it's not there.
I don't know what happened.
It's not you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Even if she did, don't say that.
That she did anything wrong.
And just wait it out.
I knew a guy once, he was really nervous about dumping this girl, so he did heroin first.
He was a junkie.
He's the guy who said, I like your new sunglasses.
It comes full circle.
And he was so chilled out that she was sitting on the couch and he was lying perpendicular with his legs on her lap.
Oh, my God.
And he's just like, yeah, this isn't working out.
I don't want to be with you anymore at all in any capacity whatsoever.
I mean, get your fucking legs off of me.
Yeah, dick.
We could do this.
Sure.
Absolutely.
My lady is in distress, and I'm here to rescue her.
Thanks.
They say chivalry's dead, but I think you're making a pretty strong case for its revival.
Well, I'm always ready to help a beautiful lady.
I help the ugly ones as well, but I'd definitely say you're in the former camp.
Where am I taking this?
Well, it's only a few streets away.
I'm moving in with my boyfriend, Ian.
Wait, there's more.
There's so much more.
That one's great, too.
Let me take these two tones.
Thank you, handsome.
the gym and tonic's for my sister Ruth.
Okay.
This one is for Stacey.
Hello.
And if you could hand this on to my boyfriend.
Fuck you.
He doesn't even leave.
Fuck you.
This is my least favourite.
No, we gotta show it now.
This guy is so fucking talented.
He's in what we do in the shadows.
In the shadows.
My daughter and my favorite show.
It's Rupert.
Look, on the horse.
Yo-hoo!
Hello!
A friend of yours, I presume?
My fiancé.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Wait, I gotta see them all.
Oh, God.
Yes, I needed a shorter lead.
Oh, the dog one is probably the best.
I like the plant, too.
Well, it has been somewhere.
How many comes in threes and fives?
Never a gentleman.
Can I accompany you in your journey?
Sure.
I've got to get scruffy back to my boyfriend and then fuck you.
Gentleman.
Never a gentleman.
Can I accompany you in your journey?
Sure.
I've got to get scruffy back to my boyfriend and then fuck you.
Such a good kick.
She needs to be in the NFL.
Yeah, he was special teams for sure.
Wait, don't skip around.
What are you doing?
Go back to her.
I know so.
See you what my boyfriend was saying the other day.
Fuck you.
Am I happy with that?
So.
Alright, let's get to the final video.
That gave me a headache.
It was so funny.
The dog wouldn't, my God.
Um, let's do 3-8.
This is some assholes on your lawn.
He won't get off your property.
And he thinks, because he's big, he's a psycho.
And you're scared of him.
My lips just look like a distended anus.
Look like I have lipstick on.
Yeah, a little bit.
Hi, boys.
That wouldn't have gone well with your look yesterday.
My rock and roll look?
No, the black face look.
And then you with the red lips today?
What do I do?
I gotta just return those gloves?
Yeah, they're shiny.
I'm sick of this Chinese shit where they don't care about the product.
Like, there's no craftsman in there.
That's just like, oh, then they return 40% and they only return 4%.
So we make a profit still.
We make garbage and then we change a factory and we move.
There's no like love in that country.
So they just make garbage knowing that some people are going to be too lazy to send it back.
They were like 40 bucks, I think.
And then I got this shit to soundproof the door, right?
Again, from China.
And it's on Amazon, it's got these white foam things with the little studs on them, you know what I mean?
Like we had at the old studio.
I get this shit.
It's like felt and it's black.
The studio's white.
And it says, all you have to do is put it in a bathtub, wash it, and then you dry it in a dryer.
I did that.
It's still exactly.
It didn't magically turn into what is in the magazine or on the website.
And it's black, not white.
I mean, I'm going to repack it and send it back to China now?
Or maybe I'll just suffer.
That's the kind of shit world we live in.
And I'm embarrassed to say I care more about that than Ukraine.
Because it's literally on your doorstep.
I would rather the Lincoln Project had a 50-foot flag that said, hey, China, stop making shit.
Amazon is so guilty of that.
Yeah, I got this thing to hold my phone.
So when I stream guitar stuff, it just like height, like head height.
And it's like, it says three feet.
It goes this high.
That's as high as it goes.
That's just false.
Three feet if it's on a table.
Yeah.
That's two and a half feet.
Yeah.
It was crazy.
The only thing worse than Amazon is Instagram ads where you go, that seems kind of cool.
And then you buy it because you're drunk and you get this shirt back that's made of cellophane.
100% of the shit that's on Instagram is total and utter garbage.
It always sucks.
I fell for a lot of those.
Me too.
And then one thing I try to do to try to trick them, the algorithms, is I'll take a picture of it and then go look it up on my own.
But how many times have you been talking about something and ads appear on your fucking feed and you never looked up anything?
Computer, are you listening to me?
Yeah, this thing definitely listens to me.
I mean, hey, computer, should you knock out someone if they're on your property?
I don't know that.
That's a tough one.
Well, let's see what happens in Australia.
Gadai Gadai.
Can you please leave?
See you alive?
Hey, do it yourself.
Oh, there.
Is that fucking better?
Is that better?
Oh, it's a cleaner off.
Thank you.
I don't want to shake your hand.
You're going to fuck me off.
Do it.
Make sure it's on video too.
Yeah, I got it all.
Got your face in it and everything.
You come near me and look the fuck out.
Don't fucking touch him.
Don't walk over to me.
Get out of my yard.
I'm a tough guy.
We may have to watch this 650 times.
Get out of my yard.
Don't think he head-butted him.
No.
I think he did a move I've never seen in my life.
I think he put his left hand onto the guy's face.
And brought it up.
And then gave him a right.
Yeah.
Looks like it.
That's a new one.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Like, your head's not going to go nowhere, sir.
And I think you could hear him snoring right afterwards.
Yeah.
I told y'all to fuck y'all.
Do you remember when we were in that fight with JL and I was pounding him after he knocked me out?
Yes.
Was my wife licking my ear?
It started at your ear, went down your neck, and onto your chest.
Shut up.
She was super horny, wasn't she?
Yeah, it looked like an action movie when the chick is like, the guy's got his shirt off and she's like fixing his wounds.
That guy's getting what happened.
And she's like, I know.
She was in a robe and she was like, it was crazy because.
And there's blood everywhere.
Like any woman who owns a home and cares for a home is like, this is a problem.
Let's start swiffering immediately.
The next day, I was mopping the blood in the front room.
And my littlest one, who was much younger then, goes, what are you doing, Dad?
What is that?
I go, oh, that's JL's blood because he started a fight with us and we beat him up.
Sorry.
Remember when your other son poked his head out the window?
You're like, what do you guys, did he say gun?
And you're like, go to bed.
And he's like, sure, I'll go to bed.
Yeah.
Isn't that kind of funny?
Like, every time I come over, it was like Christmas.
I'm like, I wonder if they still remember like, oh, that's fucking Uncle Ryan, the guy who murdered a guy.
I don't know.
Because kids change so much.
You know, my phone keeps sending me pictures of my kids even three years ago, and especially with my eldest boy, completely different person.
Right.
Different.
And then when you go really young, like two, three, they have a totally different voice, different interests.
And so in a weird way, you're looking at a dead kid.
Yeah.
Because that kid, his voice is gone.
Like, he doesn't like those things anymore.
He doesn't remember the inside jokes that you had when you were that age with him.
You know, I asked him.
I was driving him to the airport.
Which one?
You guys?
Your oldest boy.
And I was like, you know, he's on his phone and I'm driving.
And I'm like, hey, remember that time me and your dad beat that guy up?
And he was like, yeah.
I was like, it's pretty crazy, right?
He's like, yeah.
Seems like you don't remember it as much as I do.
Fucking teens.
All right, that's it for the show.
Tomorrow we are with Anthony Cumia.
Thursdays we're live.
We're supposed to have Crip Daddy today and yesterday, but he says he has AIDS, which I guess means he's sick.
This is the problem with our whackpackers.
They're all sick.
Maddie's got a shitty heart.
He's in and out of the hospital.
Sylvia will probably not be here on Thursday.
She fell and maybe broke her hip.
They're not sure yet.
She's in the hospital right now.
That's terrible that.
That's terrible that.
She goes, tell Gavin I'm going to be there on Thursday.
No, you're not.
You're in the hospital.
You might need hip replacement surgery.
But I was kind of worried that her friends and her relatives would want to kick my ass because they thought we're exploiting her, but they love it.
They go, thank you for understanding Sylvia's unique brand of humor.
Yeah, she's not reluctant to be the center of the stage.
Yeah.
She's exploiting us.
She's exploiting you, Owen Benjamin?
She's exploiting us, dude.
Sylvia.
Old Bear.
Old Bear.
She calls herself an American slut.
She's an American slut bear.
Yeah.
Woman of the night bear.
These pocket skirts are sick.
All right.
So that's the show, folks.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
Wiggle, wiggle, tear and rise.
Yellow face and the sandy eyes.
Crooked hose and the crooked nose.
That's the way a wiggle goes.
That's how he goes.
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