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Jan. 17, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:26:11
S04E76 - GUIDE TO THE WORLD
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Time Text
Is that your kind of shit there, dude?
No, funny enough, is that I don't like this song.
Like, I listened to it at the gym the other day, and I liked that.
I saw, I heard that it was very, like, not woke.
Yeah, it's called Zombieland.
It's about how we're all turning into zombies with all this cancel culture.
Right.
Yeah, you know, and like the message is cool, but no, it didn't hit the mark for me.
I hate emo is the short version of it.
Yeah, like Screamo shit.
But did you see the censored over his mouth?
I wonder if that's a little nod.
No.
It was like the same font.
It was very similar, man.
I don't know.
Let's see.
I was around when Emo began.
It's late DC hardcore.
It was Dag Nasty's first album.
Now that it's like Mexicans with bangs and skinny jeans that are sagging, I don't know.
I can't get into it.
Sorry.
I don't think I should.
I'm 51.
I don't even think they want me.
Oh, go back.
Dude, that's a good one.
That was a pretty similar font.
Yeah.
Dude, I don't know.
That looks very close.
I mean, look at it at the top right.
Yeah.
The kerning is a little, the tracking is a little messed.
That's a good screen grab for this episode.
Today is the Out of Your Element episode.
I played a song I'm not really privy to.
I'm dressed in a weird way.
Isn't this like your dad?
Well, you don't have a dad.
Your shirt's amazing.
Like, I love that shirt.
The solid time, eh?
Yeah, a little bit.
I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel like it's a weird, like, 80s dad.
It looks brand new.
I look like the guy who negotiated the deal for Motley Crew.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys are getting fucked.
Okay?
It's about your publishing.
It's not about live.
It's not about record sales.
It's about publishing.
Let me handle it.
Nikki, I'll give you more of your publishing than you ever thought possible.
We can do 90s.
We can get up in the 90s.
Fuck this record label.
I'm about to rape them.
I do a lot of rape metaphors when I'm doing my meetings.
And one of the reasons I'm sort of out of my element and I want to be uncomfortable today is I have a hemorrhoid that could be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
It's so fat, it's a grapefruit.
Now it's flat.
I just felt it like right before the show because I was applying Prep H, which I'm going to go back to the drugstore and say, I don't want this.
I want this stuff, the illegal shit.
Like, is there an alleyway?
I want stuff they have in Russia.
It's either the best case scenario is a large black man has his thumb up my ass.
That's good.
Worst case scenario is a midget with an attitude, MWA, has a razor blade and he's slitting at my anus.
Terrible.
That's the worst case.
And it's going vacillating.
Sometimes, like maybe 10 seconds an hour, I don't feel anything.
And I was thinking about it all weekend.
I'm like, I use a Biffy, biffy.com, free sponsorship here.
I've been using it for 20 years.
Sprays freezing cold water from the tank onto your anal lips.
You don't even need toilet paper.
I use a squatty potty.
I haven't been drinking that much recently.
Been eating okay.
And I thought and thought and thought.
And then I was like, my fucking trainer blew my ass out.
Pardon?
Hector.
He blew my ass out.
He fucked me in the ass.
Speaking of rape metaphors, he fucked me in the ass.
Literally-ish.
Literally-esque.
Yes, of course they are.
So here's what I think was the clincher.
It was two 20-pound weights, and I'd have to stand like this, and then crouch down and go, and he said, squeeze everything when you're down here.
Right.
So I think it's actually for legs.
I think that's what fucking did it.
And you know what it occurred to me?
I had a little gummy last night.
And about three in the morning, I just went, I woke up.
And I went, it's fucking those crunchy things, whatever they're called, squat squeezes.
Yeah.
That bitch has gotten, her ass is just the sarlacc.
She hasn't had anal since 1996 when she was six.
And she was like, I'll never do that again.
You know what else happened with the gummy sleeps?
I came up with like a heavy quote, and I don't think this is bad.
Like the old thing, I dreamt, how many people want money?
And then the answer was eight.
And I thought that was the smartest, funniest thing that's ever been said, which it is not.
But this is pretty good.
You ready?
Yeah.
The earth gave me ashes, so I sought out the moon.
Wow.
Yeah.
That sounds like some shit I would write in high school.
I love it.
It's an album.
It's like a t-shirt.
It's beautiful.
It means like I wasn't getting anything out of life.
You grew up poor or whatever, or you were getting abused or ignored.
Or like Elon Musk could say it.
You know?
Yeah.
And then I thought I shot for great.
You come from a small town.
They don't appreciate you.
So you move and you start a business or something.
The earth gave me ashes, so I turned towards the moon?
No, Ryan, you can make your own shitty saying.
What was it again?
I forgot.
I'm going to Google it in case it's parallel thinking.
The earth gave me ashes, so I sought out the moon.
Turned towards?
So I sought out.
Gadgets suck.
Also in the news, remember last week we played Beefeater?
So I sort of went on this hardcore bender and I was listening to Beefeater and all this old hardcore.
And I kind of regretted playing just one thing from Beefeater because they have so much variety.
I'm really enjoying the album the way I did when I was a teenager, where you just sit without your phone or anything, because you didn't have phones, and you just enjoy the music.
So I set up a new stereo system in the house, reorganized all the records, and I'm fucking listening to Beefeater.
Both their albums are now on one on Spotify.
And I go, I'm going to look up that dude, Frank, the guitarist.
He was weird.
They used to call him Black Lemmy.
He's a gay guy.
And let me just play.
First, let me just play one of the tracks.
Pull up the picture of Dougie Bird, the bassist for Beefeater.
This guy could literally be in a freak show.
Look at those fucking ears.
Yeah, he looks like a bad guy in like a Roger Rabbit movie or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He looks like a light bulb in a freak show.
And kudos to him for not growing his hair out or having those done.
He looks like the light bulb that pops up when a retard has an idea.
Like, wow, dude, you're not vain.
You owned those ears.
I appreciate you.
But Frank, the guy from Beefeater, sort of taught him to do slappy bass.
And he's making fun of him in this track.
It's track 13.
No, it's track 19 on link 13.
By the way, Brian, help me set up my laptop to go to appear on the screen.
How do we do that?
Hold on one second.
Okay, you have to download a thing, and then you're good.
Oh, it's done.
That's the problem, man.
I can jerk out, freak out.
I can pin my ears forward, you know?
Wear those Doc Holiday goggles or whatever the hell you call them.
And I can sit there and go.
You know?
I can imitate Doug Great.
Okay, okay.
I tried, you know?
Okay, you're in.
Okay, but I can do it?
Gotta get some glasses.
Yeah.
Get the glasses.
I don't know about the ears, but I think I put a piece of telephone wire down my forehead to imitate the vein.
Doug blows up on stage.
Oh, yeah, it's great, isn't it?
Okay, now I'll just break it to him smooth, man.
I'll say, okay, big mic's in.
What you gonna do about it?
Yeah, that's all you've got to do, man.
That's some slappy bass.
Anyway, he's a funny dude, right?
I don't know about the ears, but I'll get a telephone wire across my forehead to imitate the vein.
They say, all right, is his name Big Mike or Fred?
I don't know his name.
Anyway, I look him up.
He's fucking deed.
He went crazy.
Creative motherfucker.
Of course, NPR has to make it all about his race.
This guy's race, well, he was called Black Lemmy, but this guy's race wasn't a thing.
He was the, you know what was unique about him?
He was a metal head.
He was a metal dude who was in the DC hardcore scene.
That's what defined him.
Not his fucking race.
You heard him just talking.
There's nothing black about him.
The mysterious death of a DC punk and the $10,000 reward.
He changed his name to freak.
One word, freak.
And he chose to live on the streets.
And he was a gay man.
So we know what happened there, right?
He's getting into mess, getting into drugs.
He hooked up with the wrong dude.
The guy felt bad that he just fucked a man up the butt and he killed him to make the gay go away.
That is my theory.
But he's gone.
Dead.
Hold it.
Go back to that thing.
Because there's a new documentary about this punk woman, Polly Styrene, who used to sing for X-Ray Specs.
You know that?
Now, Bond Edge, up yoes.
She's Somalian, as I've learned in my very old age.
But when we were kids in the late 70s, that doesn't count.
Early 80s, I should say, when I was a teen, when you thought of Polly Styrene, no one for one second thought about the fact that she's half Somalian or Ethiopian or whatever the fuck she is.
It didn't occur to anyone.
Like, the way the world is now with all this racial identity politics, you see that and you go, oh, look, there's a woman of color singing in a predominantly white scene.
No one fucking thought that.
It would be like doing a thing on The Clash and talking about Mick Jones as the only Jew in the clash and Jewish influence on punk rock.
Joey Ramon was Jewish too.
Let's talk about it.
Blah, blah, blah.
It's the new Jewish angle.
Jews invented punk.
Like this rewriting of history where you have to inject identity politics into everything.
It's so tedious.
Now, I haven't seen this doc.
It's not out yet.
But I guarantee you, it's going to be all about her color.
BIPOC.
Black, indigenous, person of color.
But go to the first paragraph of that.
Whoa.
Whoa.
It was just another sad story.
A homeless man in his mid-50s found stabbed to death in a park.
His body a pool of blood.
Took several days to identify him as Frederick Smith.
So he was Fred.
A magician known as Freak.
The punk scene Smith died.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, so we haven't done race yet.
Death's Being True to Homicide, which is also an unclear beloved activist, Fred Freak Smith.
Fred didn't fit in the world, says Ian Mackay.
He lived the way he wanted to live.
Mackay's earliest memories of Smith.
Oh, here we go.
Mackay's earliest memories of Smith are seeing him out at shows where he was a distinctive figure, a boisterous African-American man.
Imagine still saying African-American in 2022.
Let me just make something clear.
If you say African-American, you don't know any black people.
That's what it means, too.
That's what the word has come to mean to me.
It means I admire them, I love them, but they're not in my world, and I don't really know what to call them.
With a look more commonly associated with heavy metal than with punk at the time.
Anyway, it's a very important story to me, but I understand if you don't give a shit.
Today's MLK Day.
We shouldn't be working here.
It's racist.
Oh, man.
I considered wearing blackface.
So in a way, that was our homage to MLK to not wear blackface.
I feel like I'm helping.
We had a whole thing planned, and then once we found out, we canceled it.
Yeah, it's like when I gave you that check for $387 and then you owed me $100, and I said, you're up $287.
Yes.
Even though I was just paying you back for money you spent on the studio.
True.
Same thing.
We were going to do blackface.
We didn't do it because it's MLK.
So you're welcome.
We contributed to equality today.
Right?
I have a dream.
Did you have any dreams last night?
This would be a good time.
I said the earth gave me ashes.
And then in my dream, I kept telling everyone why I have hemorrhoids and showing them the move I was doing.
I couldn't wait to tell people.
No, I think this is a consequential day because this was the end of racism.
His assassination, 1969.
The FBI is putting up all these shit, all these little memes.
Thank God for Martin Luther King.
Dude, you were up his ass.
You were spying on him.
You don't get to say, oh, Martin Luther King.
You mean the guy you had on a terrorist watch list?
No.
You cannot say, God bless Martin Luther King when you...
I think they tried to assassinate him, too.
Oh, there's the garbage.
Yeah, they didn't just say, they didn't just say, we have to monitor this guy.
I think they may have tried to kill him.
Maybe they did kill him.
Who knows?
But as far as I'm concerned, this is a controversial belief.
Racism died in 1969.
That was when America said, all right, we liked Martin Luther King.
We didn't care about race until you killed him.
And then we said, fuck this.
We're getting involved.
And from 1970 on, it was cool to be black.
And we did everything we could to incorporate African Americans into American mainstream culture.
Now, you want to talk about Jim Crow.
Obviously, slavery is bad.
But that's all justified.
But as Maddie Odell points out, if you're born after 1970, shut the fuck up.
And unfortunately, I would say around the time of Ferguson, Americans went, you know what?
White Americans, actually all non-black Americans, Lebanese, Asians, they said, you know what?
We kissed your ass for half a century and apologized.
It didn't work.
You seem to get more angry, so we're done.
You can have Chicago and Baltimore and New York City.
We're moving, and it's up to you.
We already gave you Philadelphia.
You've made a fucking shithole over them all.
But that's what this day means to me.
This was the day that racism ended.
Oh, yeah?
And then they just list a bunch of bad shit that happens to black people as if it's proof that racism still exists.
No.
Just because someone's incarcerated disproportionately doesn't mean that you're living in a racist society.
Just because blacks are poor doesn't mean that I made them poor.
It's time for some culpability.
Speaking of nigger faggots, Ethan Klein on an old episode made it clear that he loved saying that.
Okay, so first of all, when we first invited Jordan, I will talk about politics right now.
So that was the old Ethan Klein.
He would say rude words, and it was a controversial, edgy comedian.
He's sort of like that, what's his name?
The indie rock critic with the big glasses who's bald.
Fantano.
Fantano.
Sort of like Fantano in that he was the edgy, troll, funny guy.
And then he decided, I'm going to get woke.
And everything woke turns to shit.
So his listenership has plummeted.
It's down to almost as low as mine.
And he's desperately trying to fix things.
So that involves deleting his Jordan Peterson podcast.
This is ancient news by now.
This was all last week.
And so Jordan Peterson retaliated and he said, look, dude, you cancel me.
Now you're part of the cancel world.
And they will hold you to standards you can't possibly attain.
Then you're going to be next.
And he is next now.
People are pulling up the N-word, F-word rants that he would do and exposing him for his hypocrisy.
He's pretending that he never knew who Jordan Peterson was, which is obviously a lie.
It's all out there.
You can see him saying, we got Jordan Peterson back.
He's a lot of fun.
Here he is, folks.
Okay, so first of all, when we first invited Jordan, I wasn't super familiar with him.
I just saw kind of the phenomenon around him.
And he is a doctor.
He's a psychologist of some renown.
And I was like, well, you know, I'd seen him on other shows.
And I thought, and then someone was like, hey, you should have this guy on.
And I was like, okay, you know, I was inviting everyone on at the time.
And so he was on, and we didn't talk about politics or anything.
We talked about like psychology and shit like that.
So I found it really interesting.
Just, you know, now it's canceled.
I thought the conversation was great.
It was a really interesting conversation.
So now he's canceled.
By the way, just stop.
Fuck off, Ethan.
The deal breaker, I think he's trying to kiss Hassan Piker's ass.
He's got a weird sort of a gay admiration for him.
I think he sees him as an alpha male.
It's a problem in the Jewish community, too, when they're around alphas.
They emulate them.
Like Henry Winkler playing the Fons.
What's his name playing Boner and Sean Anna?
Andrew Dice Clay playing a tough Italian guy.
Joey Ramon playing a tough Italian guy.
I don't quite get it, but Ethan seems to be doing that with Hassan Piker.
And I'm sure he's getting his accolades from Hassan, but it's not translating to ears because we're sick of that shit, moron.
What'd you think?
And then he doubles down and he starts attacking Jordan for having a messy room, saying, you think you owned me, but your room looks like shit.
It's like, yeah, his world was falling apart at the time.
I'm sorry he wasn't as tidy as he could have been.
I mean, attacking Jordan Peterson really shows how far left we've gone.
He's a fucking liberal.
The only thing right-wing about him is he doesn't love the idea of infinite pronouns, which no one did five years ago.
And the fact that all these lefties are Xing people because they don't support the government really shows who they are.
They're cunts.
They're pussies.
They're weak.
They're betas.
They want to be led.
They're sheep.
And what do sheep do when they're confronted with wolves?
They say, go get him, kill him.
He's a danger to the rest of us.
I mean, what could be less interesting than going with the government's hysteria over COVID after two years of this shit and everything they say being bullshit?
Which brings us to the synagogue situation.
Over the weekend, a British man randomly chose a building to hold some people hostage because he has a sister who's incarcerated.
Sound reasonable, Ryan?
Okay, so far so good, right?
It's just a British guy.
I don't know how he got in here.
Maybe he's here on a visa or he's just working here.
A British man has a sister in prison.
He randomly just threw a dart at a map, ended up at a building, and said, oi, I want my sister out of jail and everything.
What are you doing then?
What are you mucking about?
Sir, that's a rabbi.
What's a Rebbe?
A Rebbe?
Was this a fucking Geico commercial?
And that's what the media told us.
Go to 1.5.
Actually, no, they did better than that.
Initially, initially, before we found out it was a British person, we had people on Twitter telling us what it was.
And if you go up above that, so this guy, I smoke Trump's seditious conspiracy.
This black activist named Black Knight 10K said that it was Nazis.
And then people go, it wasn't a Nazi, it was a British guy.
So now he's pissed off at them because they're white supremacists.
And he says, please stop demanding that I apologize to the Nazis, thinking they would attack a synagogue after they've attacked a number of synagogues.
Have they really, though?
I think there's been like three globally.
There's Philadelphia, there's another one, then there was New Zealand, Christchurch.
And Proud Boys were not behind those.
Correct, Ryan.
Were they Nazis, though?
Because the one guy was...
Christchurch was a Nazi.
But he also espoused leftist ideology, too.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's never as simple as just Nazi.
So this is the British man.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
He looks like an upside-down beef eater.
What are you doing?
He looks like one of those drawings that are, yeah, you can flip upside down.
It looks the same both ways.
Hello.
Fancy, you want to grab a pint?
A fancy cup of tea?
What time is it?
Oh, fuck, it's five o'clock.
It's time for tea.
Then we'll go around the pub after tea.
Agreed?
All right, geez.
I don't muck about.
What are you doing?
Sound?
Sound as a pound.
Hello, hello, hello.
I believe his name is Andai and his friend Withnail.
This is the Andai.
So that guy says it was a Nazi.
And then another fat dude, incel loser who's never even seen a tit in real life, he uses an anime.
That's the initial picture he had up there.
An anime icon.
There's few things that make me more skeeved out than big fat gamers with female Asian avatars.
Ich.
I personally believe it was the Proud Boys.
I personally believe the Proud Boys staged the whole thing and posed as Islamic terrorists in order to start a war and distract from January 6th investigation.
I am betting we'll see a lot more of this.
Great theory that you came up with sitting on your ass.
I don't know what she's talking about or he's talking about Islam for.
It was a man with a British accent, as we learned from Yahoo.
They made it very clear.
Synagogue hostage-taking suspect was British.
Thanks, Grayson.
Or even gun and survival.
You'd think they'd be pretty right-wing and not scared of bigotry.
But they wanted us to know that a quote-unquote terrorist had a British.
Dude, they've changed that.
That didn't used to say that.
God damn it, I hate the fucking internet.
These articles become amorphous blobs.
And I know this because whenever I would get, like, I remember this woman, Amanda Marcott, she called me a Nazi.
And I spent a bunch of money on a lawyer, which I'm doing again now.
I'm back to law fair.
I'm suing that, what was it, Stanford for that stupid study that said Prowboys are responsible for two deaths and premeditated violence?
I sent her a lawyer letter today.
Elizabeth Yates is her name.
These people have to start suffering consequences for their made-up bullshit, although it's expensive.
But yeah, with Amanda, I spent all this money, thousands of dollars, change that, change that, change that.
Eventually you get through to them, and it just becomes money for them.
Like they don't actually care about the truth.
So eventually they just change it, and the sentence is gone.
There's no written update, and 98% of the people who read the article read it in the first, you know, half hour it's up.
So two, three days later, the Nazi's gone.
In the finest print possible, it does say updated.
Oh, there we go.
A little tiny update.
Cool.
And then there's, let's see if the Guardian has updated theirs.
They were concerned about an English accent.
Texas Synagogue Siege hostage taker named as 44-year-old Briton.
Hello.
I'm willing to start starting to hate these British people.
Why are they so anti-Semitic?
And then, of course, the Telegraph is happy to.
Man with English accent.
Holds.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
It's England.
By the way, was he Welsh or Scottish?
That's the first time I've seen England.
Usually they say British.
Of course, we know that Great Britain is four provinces, right?
It's Northern Ireland, it's Wales, it's Scotland and England.
Very different cultures.
And then this AP, they deleted this one.
The FBI says the Texas synagogue hostage takers demands were specifically focused on issue not connected to the Jewish community.
Just a random issue.
He just chose a synagogue.
I don't know.
It could have been Walmart.
It could have been Costco.
It's just a British guy with an axe to grind.
Holy fuck.
I saw another tweet where they go, the real problem here is that people, not Muslims, people are being taught that Jews control the world.
Because one thing this British man did was he demanded they talk to a rabbi in New York.
Like the New York Jews would be able to get her out better than the Texas Jews because the New York Jews have more power and Jews control the world, according to this British man's thing.
And so the Jewish guy tweeting was like, we need to stop these bullshit myths because people are starting to believe that Jews control the world.
And that's the problem with these anti-Semitic tropes.
And no.
The problem is that the hostage taker is an inbred Pakistani retard.
Holy shit.
Yep.
It's not the trope that's the issue.
It's the genetics of the hostage taker and his cunt sister, Miss Lady Al-Qaeda, I think they call her, who shot at Marines and had a plot to kill innocent Americans and wouldn't shut up about Jews her entire trial.
When she was arrested, she said, this decision doesn't come from America.
It comes from Israel.
Textbook definition, Nazi.
You got there.
You're looking for anti-Semitism?
It's there.
It's growing.
It's alive and well, as they say about racism in Islam.
And I think I know why.
I don't like that.
I want it to be Gavin McInnes.
I like that kind of Nazi.
I don't like Muslim Nazis.
Okay.
Well, they're there.
And this dummy is probably the result of inbreeding.
Not that Islam's off the hook here.
I'm just saying to say that it's anti-Semitic tropes is trying to bring it back to MAGA and like conservatives and alleged Nazis.
No.
This is pure Islam.
From his low IQ and his disastrous decisions right up to the anti-Semitism, all of it, the jail, the belief that I can get these hostages out of there.
I mean, sorry, get my prisoner out of jail.
That's worked before, remember?
In the Olympics when they kidnapped those Filipinos and the Filipina government, Filipino government said, yeah, yeah, release all the jiadis, release them, release them.
Which is what weak countries do.
But no, we just can't handle it when it's not a white guy doing the bad stuff.
And this story, it happened on the weekend.
It's Monday today.
It'll be gone.
It'll be gone by today.
I guarantee you, you won't see shit about the story tomorrow.
Guaranteed.
Including Jewish newspapers.
I bet the Forward is totally ignoring this.
Horetz is totally going to ignore this.
That was too much of indecence.
It's just like the car.
Remember the car that plowed through a parade?
Fucking cars.
So, my takeaway, that's two or zero.
My takeaway from this, five dead after car, I officially hate cars and British people because they're murderers.
I dream of a world without cars or British people.
Oh, wait, no, actually, it was a Muslim.
So, of course, the New York Post is one of the only places to admit this.
The New York Post is known as a right-wing magazine, magazine, newspaper, and it's just basic liberal, like they call proud boys white supremacists all the time.
U.S. Muslim leader calls on community to confront anti-Semitism problem.
He's probably his life's in danger for saying that, I guarantee it.
And I'd love to see this not just from Muslims, but from black leaders too.
Like, we've got to stop rioting.
I'm looking at these people stealing UPS packages off trains.
We're turning into the third world.
That used to be a thing in the 90s.
Yo, we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
Stop the violence.
KRS1 and even Chuck D would scream.
We got to be proud Africans.
Stop this.
We got to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
Not anymore.
Now it's all Gavin's fault.
And then here's an interview with a rabbi.
Can I say something super gay and weak?
If I was the rabbi and I was being held hostage, my fear, one of my fears would be, what if I get so scared I faint?
Like someone's holding a gun to your head.
He talks about he hears the click and you want to help.
You're basically the leader as the rabbi.
You're the captain of the ship.
So you want to help everyone get out of there.
We all want to think we'd be Rambo in that situation.
Grab the gun, turn around, be a total hero.
Yes.
You don't need to plan for that.
You don't need to plan to win.
You need to plan to lose.
And part of me would be scared of just being such a pussy that, I don't know, my heart starts pounding so fast I faint.
I mean, I've seen guys in the gym sparring, not even real fights, but sparring, and they have a panic attack mid-fight and have to stop because they can't breathe.
That's sparring where you have headgear on, you know you'll be safe.
But, you know, the brain works in mysterious ways.
You get fight or flight.
And what if you just go...
That might even be good.
The hostage taker might.
The British guy might freak out.
This interview is super boring.
New details.
I don't know.
Sorry, the guy's not excited.
I am grateful that we made it out.
I'm grateful to be alive.
We feel the same, Rabbi.
CBS News has learned that the rabbi...
Let's count the number of times we hear the word Muslim and his jihadist sister, Lady Al-Qaeda.
She doesn't have to be called Lady Al-Qaeda.
You can name her name.
So far they're mentioning the Jewish part.
They called him rabbi.
So it's not like they're just excluding Rabbi.
Yeah, well, it's pretty hard to avoid when it's at a synagogue.
Yeah.
But what AP said was they just chose a synagogue.
Could have been anywhere.
Oh, this is a synagogue?
I had no idea.
I thought it was a Catholic church.
Spoke with President Biden yesterday.
He joins us for an interview you're seeing first on CBS mornings.
Rabbi, good morning to you.
We are so glad you're safe and able to be with us.
You have no idea how happy we are to see you this morning.
Can you help me blame this on white supremacy, please?
I saw interviews with some of your congregation over the weekend that said it was terrifying just watching it.
I can't imagine what it was like for you and your fellow hostages to be there.
Well, it was terrifying.
It was overwhelming.
And we're still processing.
It's been a lot.
It's completely overwhelming.
Now, you know, I saw interviews with law enforcement officials who were crediting you with being so calm and collected during this time.
How were you able to stay calm when you're dealing with someone who doesn't appear to mind dying?
Let's just stop.
Wouldn't it be awesome if she mentioned that in jihad, you're a martyr if you die fighting jihad and you go to heaven with all the virgins and all that?
I mean, Buchanan talks about that in the Death of the West.
He says, the problem with fighting jihadists, for us to see a soldier die is a loss.
And when we see the coffins come back off the airplane hangers with the American flags on them, it breaks our heart.
For them, that's a win.
I mean, you can't play a video game with someone like that.
You can't do anything with someone like that.
You have different values.
Nope.
I guess you do what you have to do.
As a part of rabbinic training, as a part of training as clergy, we talk a lot about the idea of being a calm, non-anxious presence.
We do that in hospital rooms.
We do that during the most.
Anyway, this interview is in very slow motion.
It's not worth sitting through.
But our heart goes out to that guy, and we wish they would identify the enemies, which sort of brings us to Proud Boys.
Are you done the new Proud Boys interstitial yet?
No, very close.
Okay.
It's funny how Proud Boys are in prison.
Max and John are in prison because they are part of a bigoted hate gang, and they're anti-Muslim.
They're Islamophobes.
And they don't support BLM and they support the police.
We can't have that.
We need to defund the police.
Black crime is not a thing.
And you're racist if you think it is.
And Black Lives Matter is working hard to both trivialize black crime and defund the police.
We should support that.
And what kind of asshole is an Islamophobe?
And you go, okay, I'm glad you put the Prowd Boys in prison.
And it's not just Max and John.
Let's go through those three things.
We just had hostages at the synagogue by a Muslim who wanted to free a Muslim terrorist.
And black crime is going through the fucking roof.
And the police can't do anything about it because in the case of the trains in L.A., we've got a Soros-appointed DA who refuses to let law enforcement do their job.
And here in New York, it's the same thing.
I mean, we're told we've got Eric Adams, Mr. Law and Order.
He's the same as de Blasio.
And we have some mental patient who threw an Asian woman in front of the train because he's God.
But sorry, to go back to the hostage thing, where the fuck was the FBI?
You're so worried about grandma.
Go to 2-3.
This is Donald Trump Jr.'s take on it.
You're so worried about grandma meandering.
Don't worry, guys.
Our intelligence and federal law enforcement may be too busy to monitor foreign Islamic extremists.
But rest assured, if your grandmother took a selfie somewhere within 1,500 miles of D.C. on J-6, they're watching her closely if she hasn't been arrested already.
Could do a slightly better grammar there, DTJ, but breaking the FBI says the demands were specifically focused on issues not connected to the Jewish community.
That's not true, AP.
This jihadist, 100% of her sentencing was totally focused on Judaism.
She blamed Israel for her sentence.
So she's not just a random Islamic terrorist.
She is an Islamic terrorist particularly focused on anti-Semitism.
Oh, good.
I was worried that Islamic extremist terrorists may have targeted a synagogue on purpose.
It's so easy to mock at this point, you know?
They are the clowns.
They're the volunteer clowns.
Just briefly go back up to, what was it?
Did I put it in here?
That clown thing.
Did I put that in there?
Beef feeder hemorrhoids, Ethan Klein.
Yeah, go to 14B.
They've become so easy to mock now that we just agree with them.
Oh, you're a fucking clown.
Your pronouns are clown.
I agree.
We're good.
And Clown mentioned not having...
This is Cypress.
And Clown mentioned not having people use clown or clown self pronouns for clown.
And so in this situation, I would make sure that I exclusively use clown pronouns to talk about Cypress.
So Cypress knows that I see clown self for who clown is.
And I want clown to be hearing those pronouns more than the other ones out of my mouth.
Okay.
Yes, you're right.
Clown self should be using the pronouns clowns, and you should be using the pronouns useless fag.
Anyway, back to the meandering.
Not the meandering, but the synagogue thing.
I was reminded of Pamela Geller.
She did an art contest also in Texas.
And it was the Muhammad cartoons.
The contest was to draw Muhammad.
Now, the way it was portrayed in the media as it was just made to antagonize Islam, and I'm sure that was a factor, but it was actually pretty good.
And it was really about free speech.
Free speech is useless if there are exceptions.
And one of the exceptions in the West is you can't fuck with Muhammad.
Why?
Because it makes Muslims mad.
That's the only reason.
And I think we could take a page out of this book.
This concept of you can't mess with people who get mad.
That's the only reason you, like that whole like listen to black woman talk, a black woman is speaking, shut up.
You know what that comes from?
Because black women are the loudest when they get fucked with.
That's why we tiptoe around Islam because they get super mad when you don't.
Okay, we need to get super mad when we're fucked with.
And they take down our statues and they tell us that our history is racist and the 1619 Project.
The only reason the 1619 Project thrived is because Westerners led it.
Anyway, Pamela Geller did this competition and she had really good art.
And some jihadists showed up to kill her.
Luckily, she had good security and the guards, security guards, shot them dead.
But the story's not done.
There was FBI agents there who had been following these extremists.
And if it wasn't for Pamela's own personal security, she'd be dead, and the FBI would be sitting in the parking lot watching.
That's the way I remember it.
Do you recall that?
Well, you don't recall anything, but that's the modern FBI.
Totally aware of a situation about to happen, but too bureaucratic to do anything about it.
Unless, of course, it's MAGA, and then they're happy to send their entire force down there.
And then the other thing that we warned you about defunding the police.
We backed the blue.
You told us to fuck off.
You said it was racist.
And 2-4, here's what we have now.
A man claiming to be God.
Throwing a beautiful 40-year-old woman.
Melissa Alyssa Goh, 40.
I think Asians are finally figuring out that patriots and people who are against BLM and Antifa are not actually racists.
And they're the only ones willing to save America from itself.
And you're seeing Chinese Americans.
A lot of districts in New York are going red.
Because they don't see anything happening to crime, especially with this fucking clown.
What's his name again?
Go back?
Eric Adams?
No, no, asshole.
I would never forget Eric Adams.
This guy, the DA, Alvin Bragg, the rich kid from Harlem who pretends he's from a hard-scramble background and ignores, doesn't just ignore crime, deletes it.
Erases details from charges.
Did you know Eric Adams is like a badass guy with swagger?
Oh, yeah.
He said that.
He says a mayor has, a city, if a city's going to have to have, if a city's going to have swagger, the mayor has to have swagger.
Yeah, SNO pointed it out pretty good.
Did you see that?
No.
And he's got swagger.
You don't want to do that.
And excuse me, but this man, he is not Bill DeBlanc.
No, ain't that weak.
No, he will kick your ass.
Oh, my God.
Okay, now she is joking, but she's from the Bronx, so is she?
Okay, questions?
Let's start with the squirrel up front.
Go ahead, squirrel.
Me?
Okay.
Mr. Mayor, you said you in...
Let's get him looking all cool.
In 22 years, I trust my brother.
We got a lot of secrets together.
Bad, too.
Plus, y'all forget JFK appointed his brother.
Why?
Because the man had swagger.
I could be your JFK, New York, and I'm out here looking for my man in the road.
Shout out to somebody.
How did you know this existed?
See how he's so cool?
Well, because they were poking fun of Biden, so I saw that, but not really.
I think New York Post was like, this is a New York-centric episode, right?
And so I checked out the Eric Adams thing.
And, you know, he is really like a cool guy.
And like, if you look at him here, this is him just being all swaggered, not nervous.
There you go.
Not weird.
Hands not shaking.
First of all, a couple of things in here.
A blanket with your boo.
If you go to Times Square and you want to wrap up with your boo, you could do it with your blanket.
Cool.
I'll take this, Matthew.
I have a t-shirt for you.
This is my theme.
GSD.
I'm going to say get stuff done for you, but there's another meaning with the S. Oh, he be cussing.
He be cussing.
He calls me to almost say shit.
Yep.
What a badass.
And check this out.
One of my best gifts, as you know, marijuana is legal.
Marjuana.
I have raw.
I did not know.
I have raw shaky hand McGillicutti.
I have bamboo.
Oh.
You know.
It's a dork.
Promoting weed.
He's a whole fucking loser.
He's a nerd.
And that's supposed to be weed.
No.
Look at that.
Even Colbert's like, this fucking sucks.
What else you got?
Is there a button where you can just make him go through the floor?
Like Dr. E. Yeah, great.
Doctor.
The tickets to Broadway shows.
Shut up, Eric.
God damn it.
Maybe worse than de Blasio.
But I'm very badly burned.
Not because he's black.
That's from Austin Powers.
So let's see a life with no Curtis Liwa, no Proud Boys, no police, radical leftists roaming free.
Let's see how it is for Asians.
2-6.
This is what they're going through.
Coming up.
Get ready, folks.
Drum roll.
Here we have it.
Korean-American woman spit on, called a carrier on a train.
See, and this is what I hate when people go, stop, stop.
It's the COVID misinformation that are making people think that Koreans are carriers.
Stop listening to the lunatic and trying to imbue some sort of a lesson from his rant.
He's just a criminal, and he's been set free because we don't enforce the law in New York City anymore.
So what happens when criminals can roam free?
They attack the weakest prey.
And that's a pretty young Asian girl.
You punch me, I'm going to punch you back.
Spit on her, she's going to say, don't do that.
Maybe film it.
Go ahead, film it.
Go ahead, bring him to the police.
What are they going to do?
He'll be out literally in an hour.
I don't know.
Were you supposed to fix this box, by the way?
Yeah.
What happened with that?
I prioritized the bumper.
We got to fix that box.
You forgot.
This guy, he's only doing this because Trump said that China brought virus.
He's listening to the Proud Boys.
You could tell.
He's a proud boy in disguise.
He's a blessing in disguise, yo.
Check this out.
Right here.
Frank, listen.
Social media.
Social media.
Can you take this as well?
No, listen.
You don't need nobody else, Frank.
Listen.
You need her?
You need her to prove to you that you a bum?
No.
You a fucking bum.
I ask you to stop.
Everybody on this train is watching you.
I'm asking you to be polite.
Stop.
Don't touch me.
Don't you?
Look at the weakness on the train.
Isn't there one Irishman on that entire train?
Just say sit the fuck down.
That guy must be 65 years old.
Fuck you.
Shuck my dick.
Shuck my dick.
I have other dicks.
You don't buckler.
You motherfucker.
Fuck you.
You miserable fucking piece of shit.
Miserable fucking piece of shit.
You turn it up.
I'm bringing them all in to protect me.
I said no.
I said no.
Okay, you tell him to sit down.
He doesn't sit down.
You grab him and you throw him on the ground.
You say fucking stay there.
And then you take her and you go through the door and you start walking back through the other trains.
That's what one should do.
But check out how the second he spits, instead of people going, okay, that's too far, the first thing they do is leave.
Now, I get it, the little illegal Mexicans are going to leave, but there's no native New Yorkers there?
Watch this.
I said no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not okay.
That is not okay.
I don't want germs.
Look, they all leave.
Grow some fucking balls, New York.
Go back to 2.5.
Chinese Americans are waking up and they're not falling for this Proud Boys bullshit.
Proud Boys are probably getting huge Asian American support due to BLM Antifa fears.
I don't like that fears.
They're being spooked into giving Proud Boys money.
No, they're giving money to the only group that seems to give a shit about any of this.
That's what's going on.
And by the way, if you look up this article on Google about four other news sources like Yahoo and NPR and stuff, they say Chinese Americans, now they don't want Proud Boys to look non-racist, so they have to throw Chinese Americans under the bus and they say, donate to Proud Boys shortly before,
or it wasn't shortly before, I think it was months before, they go before January 6th.
The implication being random Chinese billionaires, maybe communists, are funding the January 6th insurrection.
Fuck you.
I was going to do this green screen.
Yeah, let's do it.
Screen screen o'clock.
Okey-toki.
Good morning, everybody.
All right, let's take some time out to get educated.
Some maps.
Let's do some maps.
I was on a Christmas call with my family, and my wife pointed out that my daughter got a really good mark in geology.
And one of my relatives goes, oh, that's great.
He's clearly stoned.
He goes, that's great, man.
If you love geology, so what kind of places do you want to visit?
What kind of countries are you excited by?
That's geography.
She said geology.
Anyway, most metal bands are in Northern Europe.
I think we knew that, right?
Look at the total lack of metal bands in America.
It's as yellow as Australia.
Maybe metal's dead.
And judging by that rap song we had last week where not the guitarist for Exodus, but the guitarist for Testament, or maybe I got those backwards, was doing a rap song about COVID.
So if that doesn't denote the end of metal, nothing does.
What's next?
More fun maps coming up.
Let's get fun.
So this is most popular sports in the world.
Hockey is, of course, huge in Canada.
Although we've got it over here.
What's that?
Like Finland or some shit, Norway?
And I thought baseball would be bigger in America, but you've got like barely any in New York.
And then a smattering around, where's that?
South Carolina and Missouri.
I guess they have Kansas cities there.
Kansas itself.
And then California.
And Arizona.
Oh, weird.
Baseball's big down here?
What's that?
Brazil?
Argentina?
That's Chile.
That's Brazil.
What is that shithole?
And then, of course, Dominican Republic and all that.
And then everywhere else is soccer, although they call it football here.
Why is that?
Because when the English miners were out ransacking the world, I don't consider it ransacking, but you get the idea, on their breaks, they'd play soccer.
And the locals would see them playing this game, this cheap, affordable, portable game, and it caught on.
So the reason you have soccer so huge here, here, here, and of course, not Europe, but all of these places is British miners would be playing it on their breaks.
The reason you have it so big in Russia is because it's cheap.
They don't have shit.
Losers.
Next.
What's this one now?
Fertility rates.
Fertility rates across the world.
Look at that.
We should be very concerned about this.
Two to three children.
Two to three children is just stasis.
But you know what they don't tell you about two to three children here is they're all Mexicans.
They're all immigrants.
If you were to take immigration out of America, the population would be going brrrrrr, which I thought was good, according to Bill Gates and Thanos.
Russians aren't breeding.
Basically, white people are not breeding.
And all the breeders seem to be in, that's Africa, right?
Yeah.
They all seem to be in Africa.
Look at this setup.
Dreesh.
Next.
Aren't we learning here together?
UFO sightings.
This map's dumb.
Of course, it's just population density.
The more people there are, the more you're going to see people saying they saw a UFO.
Boring.
I don't believe in UFOs, by the way.
This one's boring.
Biggest name brands and various things.
Drunk driving.
Most common food stops for drunk drivers.
McDonald's.
A lot of McDonald's drunk drivers here.
Waffle House down here.
Where's that now?
That's Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama.
The Southerners like their fucking Waffle House.
And then we have Taco Bell everywhere.
Look at all that Taco Bell.
It's not even particularly Mexican areas.
And Ryan, they have permission from their wives to go to Taco Bell.
I now do also.
Whoa!
Yes.
Look at you.
That's right.
Standing up for yourself.
You heard it here, folks, first, folks.
Ryan's allowed to go to Taco Bell now.
That's correct.
Nice.
What else can we learn about Earth and America?
What's this one?
This one is...
Winning systems of the world?
Different alphabets.
Oh, look at these.
I wish I had better eyes.
Because look how shit some of these are.
Look at that fucking...
Look at that crap.
Cherokee, no one uses Cherokee.
Some of these languages, though, look at this scribble.
And this.
And this.
I think Ethiopian is the dumbest language in the world.
But as I've said before, you need a paintbrush for all of these.
And then this one is the dumbest one.
You draw each thing.
What's the word for man on a boat?
Oh, you draw a boat and you draw a little guy on it.
Oh.
So if your language has 300,000 words, you have 300,000 symbols?
Yeah, basically.
Japanese isn't so bad, I guess.
Korean's good because they rewrote it from scratch.
And then there's all this dumb.
Look how primitive everyone else is with their dumb scribbly cave languages.
Fucking losers.
The West is the best.
Keep going.
My butthole is going through a painful phase right now.
What's this one?
Countries that have McDonald's.
Countries that have McDonald's.
Okay.
Good to know.
Africa is not big on McDonald's, unfortunately.
But everywhere else is.
Besides, what are those middle places?
Oh, I don't have the world map.
What's this one?
I got the world map.
No, I don't know what those countries are.
The Middle East?
Oh, I guess it's seen as Western.
Okay, that's enough.
I want to get to happiness.
Auto-save project?
Okay.
Happens time to time.
This is...
Oh.
That's McDonald's.
Okay.
Okay.
Isn't it?
This is happiness.
No, it's not.
Emotional tendencies.
Okay.
So less emotional, 36.
What the fuck does this mean?
More emotional.
So we're very emotional here.
And this is funny because that's what China always says about us.
They go, Americans are sentimental morons.
They're always crying about shit.
And then these people, everyone who cared about anything is dead.
So they're all just bored with worlds.
I'm actually surprised that China has so much emotion.
India sort of gives a shit, but we all care.
The West cares.
The East doesn't have emotions.
And Africa doesn't count.
Okay.
Now we have Dog State versus Cat.
Okay.
United States.
Don't care.
What food does your state hate?
I care.
What does New York hate?
That's New York there.
Ranch on pizza, untrue?
I love ranch on pizza.
Oh, it's untrue because you like it?
Yep.
All right.
That's not correct.
Pesto is big there?
Where the fuck is that?
Ohio.
They love pesto.
They hate pesto.
Oh, they hate pesto.
Right, right, right.
Cottage cheese.
What do they hate in the south?
Chipotle?
Tuna salad?
They hate licorice in Florida.
I like that in Texas.
They hate veggie burgers and steak cooked too well.
Don't fuck with me.
Well done.
Overcooked.
They hate Chick-fil-A in California.
That's got to be a political thing.
They hate fast food in Oregon.
Pumpkin spice anything.
Dim sum is impopular in Idaho.
Unpopular.
And then they fucking hate shellfish in Kansas.
What the fuck?
Tapas.
Tapas annoys me.
I agree with you, North Dakota.
It's like, yeah.
Little snacks when you're drinking.
I don't know why.
It would be like someone, if I was fucking my wife and someone just came over and sort of smoothed my butt cheek with a hand.
Like, I'm sure that feels nice, but get out of here.
I don't want that.
And what's the Alaska one?
Voss Water?
Is that Rich Voss's own water company?
Yeah, it keeps you hydrated.
Next.
Most commonly spoken languages other than English or Spanish.
This kind of inspired this whole green screen because people don't realize how German America was.
It got to a point there in the initial days of this country where they weren't sure whether we should make English or German the national language.
Before World War II, everyone loved Germany.
Look at all this.
Look at all this fucking Gen. There's plenty of towns in the Midwest where they speak it in the main language.
You'll see German signs everywhere.
What the fuck is that?
There's an enclave of Germans in Texas that still speak German.
And they are, you know, they held on to the roots together.
I don't know if they have a weird accent.
Like, Quebecois is a weird 400-year-old French.
I did grow up speaking German, and I spoke only German until I started speaking.
I went up to them and I asked, where are you from and what are you doing here?
And they looked at me in disbelief and they said, what do you mean?
We've always been here and we speak Texas German and we're fifth generation Texas Germans and that was the first time that I had not only heard Texas German spoken but that I also knew that it existed.
It sounds like German to me, but I guess it's Texas German.
Yeah, I wonder if it has a southern accent.
It's like a Twitch German about Texas German.
Or even you talk to like a Mexican about Puerto Rican, and they go, it's a weird fucking slurry version of Spanish where they don't really enunciate.
Yeah, yeah, we take away S's.
I think it's sort of like the Glaswegian of Spanish, where Glaswegian's like, gee, what are you doing already there, man?
You're going to be there on Friday, by the way.
Like, all one big blob of vowels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's pretty accurate.
All right, next.
Oh, here on the learning tree, most popular TV shows.
I was surprised to see Happy Days is so big in Wisconsin.
Fuck, that's Wisconsin way up there.
What are some others?
What has New York got?
Oh, Seinfeld, of course.
Boring.
Can you zoom in on this map?
Sure, sure.
The office is Pennsylvania.
That makes sense.
It takes place in Scranton.
What's this say?
Homeland.
Weird.
Homeland in Virginia, huh?
Homeland is a very military type of thing, right?
In Virginia, you got a lot of military down there.
Family guy up in Rhode Island or whatever that is.
Cheers is big in Connecticut.
Sure, I can see that.
Golden Girls in Florida.
That's too funny.
Wow.
Walking Dead in Georgia.
What's any day now?
Good question.
I don't know that show.
That's Alabama.
Walker, Texas Ranger is a duh.
And what do we got over in the West Coast?
Losing you on the mic a little bit.
West Coast?
You're losing me on Mike?
Yeah, you just got to eat the mic.
Check, check, check.
Yeah, you're good.
You just got to keep it.
Breaking bad in Arizona.
In New Mexico makes perfect sense.
Keep going west.
Medium?
What's medium?
About a medium.
Like a...
Oh, and she can see crimes.
That's stupid and gay.
The Brady Bunch?
Are they going back 100 years or 50 years?
I mean, Happy Days and the Brady Bunch haven't been on in ever.
Bonanza in Nevada?
That's funny.
Are these just supposed to be funny?
Yeah, Northern Exposure, Hawaii.
I mean, they do have a lot of Northern exposure.
I like the show.
New York, New York, here in New York.
Mary Tyler Moore is in Minnesota.
All right, next.
Wealthiest Americans by state.
Huh.
I'm surprised Texas isn't doing well.
Wait, is red rich or poor?
On the bottom right there, there's a thing.
So red is millions and blue is billions.
And then the whiter is closer to the middle of the two.
Holy shit.
So our richest areas are California and Nebraska and then New York and Kansas.
Kansas is doing pretty good.
I'm surprised Florida's not doing better with all those rich people retiring down there.
And I'm surprised Texas is doing so shitty.
Blue is richer, right?
Yeah.
So wait a minute.
The richest place in America is fucking Nebraska?
What the hell?
Oh, the wealthiest person there is Bill Gates.
Is it like...
Oh, Bill Gates fucks up the whole median, that's what it is.
Wealthiest Americans and where we're going to go.
No, Bill Gates is in Washington.
Yeah, yeah.
Warren Buffett is in Nebraska.
Oh, wait.
Oh, I get it.
So they just took a wealthy dude and stuck him in his state.
It's no comment on the populace.
Right.
So Nebraska could be completely broke, but it would be doing well because there's a billionaire there.
That's a dumb chart.
Go fuck yourself, chart.
Yeah, go fuck yourself, chart.
Attitude of population toward foreign visitors.
Canada likes them.
America's lukewarm.
Russia is like, what are you doing?
Wait, less welcoming.
Yeah.
It's funny Russia doesn't want immigrants.
You should take whatever you can get.
And then what do we have over in Europe there?
It looks like Spain is good, but especially Portugal.
Do you know where Spain and Portugal are, Ryan?
I know where Spain is.
We'll zoom in on Europe.
Do you know where Europe is?
Looks like a deer jumping over the road in the final video.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, Portugal's pretty happy to get whoever they want.
And Ireland is real welcoming, too.
Huh.
All right, next.
Out here.
Let's be less welcoming.
Oh, wait, this is just...
This is a map of places that are in the world.
The world.
Did you know that Yemen is in Yemen?
Are we done?
Nope.
Got to just zoom out.
This is internet browser.
Boring, next.
All right.
This is...
Places that are hairy?
Inverted land and sea.
Boring.
What a dumb map.
Very weird.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, what if like North America was...
What's this?
This is driving orientation in different countries.
So we're all on the right side of the road, but a few freaks.
Driving in Britain is a trip.
I've done it a few times, including on our honeymoon.
It takes you a while to get used to it, especially when the fast lane is on the right most right lane is the fast lane.
What happens when you just cross the border into that town?
You better be a good driver.
You can see a bunch of British colonies there in the Caribbean.
And that's India?
Oh, that's because of Britain.
Prevalence of obesity.
Oh, look at that.
See, this is the takeaway from COVID.
The takeaway from COVID is that we have a severe obesity epidemic in this country.
Look at that.
America's totally unique.
Dude, you've got to take pictures, Ryan, when you go to Disneyland this summer.
Sure, sure.
We need to see this because I was shocked by how many disgusting fat pigs are riding rascals.
And I didn't have the courage to do this, but I wanted to go up and go, hey, I noticed you're in the round.
My father has spina bifida.
He's in a rascal, too.
What's your handicap?
And they go, oh, nothing.
I'm just lazy.
Yeah, gross.
I'm LARPing as a WALL-I, an extra in WALL-I.
Next.
WALL-I.
That whole movie was just about fucking litter bugs.
What do we got here?
Again.
Places I like to hang.
Yeah.
What is this?
I'll tell you in a second.
Oh, here we go.
Countries that don't use the metric system.
Boring, but interesting.
Boring, but interesting.
All right, I'm getting bored of this segment.
Do we have any more juicy maps like biggest tits?
This is...
I don't care about that map.
Whatever it is.
It can suck my dick.
Okay.
Okay.
Places with mantis shrimp.
That's correct.
Okay, you're not helping, Ryan.
Let's get back to work.
Oh, understood.
Shut your mouth and bite your tongue, because you don't want to piss off anyone.
It's kind of got a 99 problems riff there, too, doesn't it?
I got 99 problems being canceled is some.
Oh, shit, I left my computer in my office.
All right, I think we're out of time, folks.
Yeah.
So we H the MB?
We H the MB.
Hit the mailbag.
Yes.
Sorry, I should have known that acronym.
I'm going to see if I can make it to my office and back before you're done the song.
And go.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Nice.
It's not easy on the old Royd.
Fuck, there must be something for this.
I tried to put ice on it this morning, which I don't recommend.
That hurt.
But I don't think the fucking Prep H does anything.
I'm going to go to CVS after this and say, look, I want you to get me something that gets you fired.
Like Oxy H. It could be antifreeze.
It doesn't help, but it'll get me fired.
This is weird.
I thought I marked a bunch.
The reason I could have Taco Bell, by the way, is because Brian Bailey raised a Taco Bell fund for me.
You're blurry.
I need a fund for that, too.
Donate to Ryan to make me focused.
There we go.
Focused on your job, too.
Let's include that in the fun.
You know how you're going to clean out this stock room, Ryan?
How?
I did it this weekend with my garage.
I moved the cars out of the driveway, took everything out of the garage, including the contractors, scaffolding and shit that's not even mine, furniture, everything.
The garage was empty.
And then I slowly put everything back in categories.
I hope the contractor picked up his shit, too.
That's how you're going to do it in this room.
You empty it, you lay it all out here on the floor, and then when you see something valuable like an HDMI cable, you go, okay, this is worthy.
This goes in.
Got it.
And you rebuild it.
And then you'll be left with a pile of shit here.
Shit pile.
A shit pile.
I'm not sure what we should do with those doors.
I know this makes for fascinating content, but they're pretty good quality.
And they made this desk.
This desk is made from old doors.
That's my favorite drink.
Where did the doorknob go?
Quality.
How the fuck did he do that?
There was a doorknob here.
And not only is it gone, but I can't see where he filled the hole.
And it still has grain in it.
What a talented carpenter that guy was.
Anyway, sorry, let's start getting down with the downs.
Now, this should be exciting.
I was going to send this to your wife to show her that she's not the only one.
This came in at 11.17 a.m.
Getting Down with the Downs, Ryan.
I saw this on a pro-life page on Facebook.
It's a great heartwarming pro-life story.
But I have so many questions about this woman who decided to marry and reproduce with this particular guy.
Maybe it's proof that even the normal women are a little bit special at times.
Can you not find this?
I got it.
Okay.
Loading up.
This is why I want to be in control of a common misconception.
Isn't this going to cheer up your wife when she sees this?
I don't know what you mean.
A common misconception about people with Down syndrome is that they cannot have children.
Women with Down can bear children just fine.
And in extremely rare cases, men can become fathers too.
Jad Isa, a man with Down syndrome, not only welcomed a child with his wife, but he also raised him to be a doctor.
And I totally agree with the guy who sent this letter.
What's going on with her?
Help me out here.
She has a big heart, and he has a big tongue.
And they're perfect.
She just loves having her pussy eaten.
Yeah.
Keep going?
There she is wearing the same sweater.
Ish guy.
Isn't that weird?
I know she's haggard in that photo, but she looks kind of attractive there.
You know, within the parameters of geriatric Middle Eastern woman.
But yeah, she had a...
She had a baby with Eddie Van Day.
Down syndrome guys usually die around 40, too.
He's extremely proud of his doctor's son.
Yeah, duh.
Dharman compilation.
Ahoy fags.
My kid's school does a wax museum demonstration every year.
The requirements are a famous person that has a book written about them.
Part of the grade is the kids reciting famous quotes from the subject.
As a goof, my nine-year-old wise-ass son volunteered to go as Dharman.
By the way, speaking of wise-ass nine-year-olds, my nine-year-old asked for a bullhorn for his birthday.
And I'm cleaning out the garage this weekend, so I'm back and forth in the driveway.
And I hear his friend on the bullhorn standing on our front steps, and he says, if you are not vaccinated, you may not leave your home.
Please, people, only vaccinated people.
He's doing it funnier than I'm.
I'm not doing it justice.
If you are not vaccinated, please stay in your homes.
Vaccinated people, you may leave your homes.
Isn't that funny for nine?
Yeah.
I had to peek out and look to see who the fuck was saying that.
Like, who's your writer?
Did you buy this joke?
Well, Darman, he has an interview.
So if you want to learn about it.
This is a funny Freudian slip that this guy says.
Figure revenue company that we reached within a couple years.
We just hired our 100th team member.
If you saw his content, you would think that this man was owing the world money, right?
What did he say?
If you saw this guy's content, folks, you would think that this man owes the world money.
I agree.
I don't get that.
That he's like, he's provided such a detriment to society that he owes the world money.
Not that the world owes him money.
Oh, I see he fucked up.
Yeah.
I'm not understanding this letter, by the way.
A wax museum demonstration?
And then you need famous quotes from the guy?
What are you sculpt dar man?
To my shock and surprise, the teacher agreed to let him do it.
We're practicing our favorite quote, my son is on the cover of a magazine, complete with facial expression.
Please run through a quick greatest hits so I can properly prepare him with at least three quotes for 100.
Oh.
So I don't understand what this assignment is.
I guess they act like they're the wax figure.
Starman didn't say the cover of a magazine.
Yeah, I guess, but he, yeah, that's a loophole.
But what are they?
There's my son's on the cover of a magazine.
I know this is not what you want.
And I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry.
Yeah, and then that's it for those.
I'm drawing a blanket.
Those are our drops.
I mean, those are all the drops that we have.
We only use drops from that one sketch?
Yeah.
I mean, it's a gold mine, so maybe we should go back to the boards.
Hey, fags, I just finished the Ricky Powell documentary, The Individualist.
And I was curious if you ever mixed it up with him in your early vice days.
Do you have any stories about Ricky?
Looks to me from the doc that the Beastie Boys did him dirty after they found Buddha.
Girlfriend, throw, no, boyfriend, throw in the towel.
Your girl got fucked by Ricky Powell.
The Beastie Boys were cocksuckers.
They were a punk band.
They had an album called Polly Wog Stew.
They played the A7 here in New York City.
And they had a fat, ugly chick in the band.
I believe she was the drummer.
They met with Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons, and they said, you guys are awesome, but let's do, now that you're doing rap, sorry, they did rap first.
They kept the fat chick.
And they go, I like this post-punk rap.
You're in, but lose the fat chick.
And they're like, she's gone.
Bye.
Because that was good for money.
And then they had their first album was all Ricky Powell kind of New York stuff.
And they liked tits and fucking partying and beer.
And then that became uncool in the feminist 90s.
So they said, that was a joke.
We were pretending to be jocks.
And they apparently turfed Ricky Powell, too.
But he was an awesome dude.
I hung out with him a bunch of times.
One time we were at a party and we did pop brownies.
This would be like early aughts.
And I got way too fucking high, as one does.
And he had like three times as many as me.
So I just had to sit down and people were going, we're going to this party.
I was like, I'm just going to stay in Judy's backyard.
I'm afraid, Judy Rosen.
And he said, I got to get home, man.
He has a real thick New York accent too.
I got to get fucking home, man.
This is, I'm going to die.
So he started walking home and then it started thunderstorming.
So he's having a bad trip and he's hiding.
It was like the rain was toxic sludge and he was hiding under scaffolding and stuff and jumping into things trying to get home.
He lived in the East Village and eventually he got home and he said, the only thing that stopped me from dying was the Grateful Dead.
He put on the Grateful Dead and he lay there until his high ended, which was like five hours.
But we had the weirdest falling out.
I would do do's and don'ts back then and they were like street fashion critiques.
And there was a super old guy who had the similar stubble that Ricky had later in life, the sort of gray stubble.
And he had kind of a rap vibe.
And I said, holy shit, Ricky Powell's seen better days.
I thought he'd think it was funny.
And he's like, he kept calling me a new jack, meaning like someone who's new to New York City.
He's like, you fucking new jacks come here.
You think you'll only be next time I see you, you're fucking dead.
And I talked to him.
I was like, dude, calm down.
It's a fucking joke.
And he goes, no, yeah, everything's a fucking joke to you, Gavin.
You're a fucking, I'm going to fucking slit your throat.
And then one day he died.
One day he slit my throat.
So just be careful.
It's a joke.
But I'm looking forward to checking out that dock.
Yeah.
I'm obsessed with music docs these days.
They all suck.
I don't think I've seen a good one yet.
Maybe the great rock and roll swindle.
Yo, G-Dog and Rye Fry.
I know you don't like video games because you think they're for children.
I can agree to an extent, but I think you'd like this one.
There are books that go along with it.
Ooh, books.
Because all books are for smart people.
Harry Potter, anytime there's a book, it must involve intellect.
No.
This is super cool for nine-year-olds.
The fact that adults like to punch aliens in the face is embarrassing.
Sorry, I know this is bad for business.
I know we're losing subs as I speak.
But, I mean, maybe if you're playing with your son, I could see it.
But you're spending your free time shooting monsters and now you're reading about it too?
So not only did you play the game, but you get to read to keep up the story.
The second half of the video, that link is better, but feel free to watch the whole thing.
Thank you for letting me watch the whole thing.
Great dock with zero wokeness.
Now this looks really good.
I'm looking forward to watching this too.
I got to write these down.
There's the Thrasher dock.
I mean the skate park dock.
And the...
What was the one we just saw?
My mind's a piece of shit.
Oh yeah, Ricky Powell.
I think a lot of the times these filmmakers get permission by saying, we're not going to shit on you.
So it ends up being a big fluff piece PR thing, which is not interesting.
But these are two guys in Portland who were really into skating, and they went from just, you know, making shitty ramps in their backyard to making beautiful concrete skate parks all over the world.
Africa, Austria.
The mayor's office will administer the site.
The skateboarders themselves will maintain it.
Mark Scott's been working on this project for almost two years.
He says the resolution is nice, but he wants even more.
I'd like to get it so that it could be a national monument or something so that it'd stay here forever.
Well, that's just...
I'm probably dreaming there, but you know.
Pipe dreaming?
I just like people thinking of like skating.
Grindland, it's called.
This is the place to do it for me.
The weird part is, though, in this, in this.
I don't know if this person's male or female.
They got a weird foreign name, but hello, my niggas.
Thrasher Magazine put up this documentary about Red and Monk, two butt-ugly men in Portland, Oregon, who became legends by building butt-ugly men?
Who says that about men?
Gay men.
Unless they're freaks.
Like Doug E. Bird at the beginning of the show.
But go for it.
Let's see these butt-ugly men.
More, more, more.
Just jump in like a third.
They got shut down.
Nope.
Let's keep going.
There you go.
Butt ugly.
Ew, that guy's so ugly.
He's butt ugly.19.
Ew, look how ugly he is.
I'd say butt ugly.
He's butt ugly.
Ew.
I'm going to start saying that when I'm insulting dudes.
You're like butt ugly.
You're as ugly as a butt.
What a weird thing to say, dude.
Ugly.
The two Mars.
Tip for Ryan.
One thing may help you with paywalls, especially if you're using Brave, is that there is a context menu.
It's a right-click on PLC, but you're probably using a piece of shit Mac.
Yes, we are.
And there should be a Brave icon.
Within that sub-menu, there is a hide element button.
It will open a new interface and you select which page element you want to hide, like paywall shit.
May not work on every site, but it may save your skin here and there.
Give it a shot before a show.
Love your work.
A lot of goodbyes to this guy.
He's saying goodbye.
I don't need any of this.
Everything after paywall shit is extraneous.
Love your work.
Peace.
Adam.
Oh, no, you said his name.
All right, let's make this the last one.
Tips to look after your husband.
Let's see if these are reasonable.
It's from 1950.
Okay.
I'm guessing I'm going to like these.
Have dinner ready.
Plan ahead.
Even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time.
This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospects of a good meal are part of a warm welcome.
Love it.
Prepare yourself.
Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your makeup.
Put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
Yes, please.
He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay.
Okay.
And a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter.
Oh, I got to send this to my wife.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.
Then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
Sold, prepare the children.
By the way, none of this seems unreasonable to me at all for someone who doesn't work.
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces.
If they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.
They are little treasures.
You'd like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum.
Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and be glad sold.
Some don'ts.
Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner.
Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through through that day.
Agreed.
Now, I will say, by the way, this sounds sexist because we're dealing with a lot of asshole men in this day and age who institute divorce and cheat on their wives and come home drunk.
But I would wager that the men that we're hearing about here are busting their ass at work.
Like the whole madman thing of guys just screwing women and getting wasted, I believe is a myth.
I think these dudes, you know, they're wearing three-piece suits to go to the baseball game.
So yes, in the context of your dad in his sweatpants farting, this looks a little much, but the dad was kicking ass and taking names too and wearing a suit every single day, including the weekends.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.
Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice.
Allow him to relax and unwind.
Glare is ruining this one.
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moms of his arrival, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.
Let him talk first.
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to something of entertainment.
Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to come home and relax.
The goal, try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Is that so wrong?
Really?
Is that so wrong?
All right, let's do the final vid, dudes.
Here we have a deer jumping so fucking high.
This is how I remember when we would ride these dirt bikes that weren't dirt bikes, they were bicycles, but they were made, we were too young, obviously, to have a dirt bike unless your parents are divorced and you were spoiled, like my friend Steve.
And these bikes, they had plastic gas tanks on them and shocks on the front and the back.
And they had treads sort of like grips that look like actual motorcycles.
And they had a number on the front.
This is pre-BMX.
I'm talking about the 70s.
And we would do these jumps on our bikes.
I called mine the tiger because the treads were so intense.
They would like go on the road.
We would do these jumps where you'd be in the air for so long that you'd sort of move your thing around and stuff and look down at your friends.
Like it seemed like we were in the air for an hour.
And it's almost like you'd get a second lift, like you go zomph and then woo.
and you'd be going, holy fucking shit, and you'd always land just great.
And I feel like this deer is doing that.
He's getting up and he has so much air.
He's like, What should I do up here?
Maybe I'll take a few steps.
Why have a fence to keep out deer when they're capable of this?
Okay.
And we're going up.
What's that?
Six feet.
Look at him.
He's walking.
Eight feet?
What in the fuck?
Why do you bother doing that, by the way?
It's just a road.
It's a waste of a good jump.
Can I see that again?
I like the part where he walks.
He's come up.
Okay, everything's normal now.
This is normal.
That's when it gets abnormal.
Doot, doot, do.
Three little steps.
And then he's just flying.
He turns into a giraffe halfway through the fucking jump.
Yeah, he's a flying squirrel, too.
Damn.
That's our show.
I hope you enjoyed touring the world with us.
And catching up on this ridiculous synagogue bullshit starring a British person.
Fake news, all lies.
Yes, your pronouns are clown because you're a fucking clown.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Welcome to America!
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