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Jan. 10, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:25:47
S04E73 - 100$
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Time Text
The 2020 election was under historic protection.
Subject to inspection.
But someone didn't accept his rejection.
Had to go and start an insurrection.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGivens.
Detestable or is it?
Now they're calling it a tourist visit, voting against an investigation.
Misinformation.
Nothing but a beat, meat, nothing but a beat meat, nothing but a beat, meat, line.
Nothing but a big meat, nothing but a beat, meat line.
Give me be conservatives, conserving.
Entruthed your earning.
Profits is what they're turning.
Flag hooking for the dollar bills they're turning.
It's a burden.
Dollar bills they're churning.
It's a burden.
That was pretty grim, wasn't it?
That is Alex Skolnick, the lead guitar player for Exodus.
That awesome thrash band, metal band, heavy shit band that I used to almost be scared of.
Ooh, Exodus, obituary.
Those dudes are heavy shit, man.
Municipal waste.
Thrash.
I'm scared.
And then they go and ruin their entire discography.
If I was the other dudes in the band, I'd be really pissed.
I'd go, what the fuck was that gay political rap you did?
It sucks.
And it's about misinformation.
Like, you assume if a metal band is going to be political, they're going to have teeth and not be totally down with misinformation.
The BIG.
LIE.
So he's saying that the concept of the election being stolen is a B-I-G-L-I-E.
Go back to it for one second.
Sure.
So yucky.
What are the hands?
I don't know what is going on with this hand.
And like, is it metal to be defending the election?
Is he a broken robot?
Is he in Pee-Wee's playoffs?
My robot is malfunctioning.
Yeah.
My fucking metal guitarist is malfunctioning.
I watched a lot of documentaries this weekend.
We're going to get into that in a second.
And 90 Day Fiancé I also watched.
I'm not very happy with Gav this weekend.
I was a good dad on Saturday.
Brought the youngest to Boggining.
And then got drunk Saturday night.
Woke up with my pants on.
Fucking.
Sunday I didn't do shit for the boy.
Like the teenagers can take care of themselves, but my son, my youngest boy, he's got like a couple friends.
One of them was quarantined.
The other didn't have snow pants.
Okay.
So he can't play?
You know, he'll get too cold.
Okay, well, get him some fucking snow pants then.
Shit.
So I got to be his pal.
And Saturday, I mean, Sunday, I just neglected him.
And then you feel shitty about yourself.
And then you don't want to do anything.
Being hungover was part of it too, but I'm not very impressed with the G-Dog.
And I let my son, my eldest boy, play video games from when he got home on Saturday at 3 to like midnight that night.
So that's 9 hours, 10, 11, 12.
And then the entire Sunday.
Damn.
Like 11 hours.
He would just come out and eat goldfish and smash some carbs.
That's not a good dad.
Do you know what game at least?
I think it's MLB, The Show, and Fortnite.
But the thing that made me reluctant to discipline him was, first I was lazy.
And secondly, I don't know, I can hear him in there screaming, fuck you, and laughing his head off and stuff.
So he's socializing.
And the weather was shit.
I don't know.
It's tough with these headsets.
Because are you really wasting time if you're talking to all your friends?
And again, I don't like adults playing fucking video games for 11 hours.
But if you're a teenage boy, 13, maybe it's not so bad.
Bob Saget is dead, folks.
Rest in peace.
I don't give one tenth of a shit.
I mean, I was kind of sad when Norm McDonald died, but I don't understand why everyone is talking about like Andy No and Ian Miles Chong, all these political people are saying, Bob Sagitt just passed.
So?
He did Full House, which was a piece of shit, garbage sitcom for tiny children.
And then there was America's Funniest Home Videos, which was painful to watch.
He was so cringe.
And then he does his stand-up.
And I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but it was just like gratuitously raunchy and dick jokes and sucked.
I loved it.
I bought it last night.
You did?
Well, isn't that proof that Bob Sagitt sucks when Ryan goes, I like him?
And I had a buffon and Stamos had a mullet and Cooley had like a reverse sting flock of seagulls piece of shit on his head.
I don't know what the fuck that thing was.
But if you see somebody with that on their head, you fucking shoot that thing off because that is fucked up and wrong.
And I love him.
He's like a sister to me.
I love him.
He's a good guy.
If he could learn to wipe front to back, he'd be fine.
That ain't right because I have no fucking idea why.
Because I'm a genius, according to my gynecologist, who said that Glitoris is gigantic.
And thank you.
He's Canadian, isn't he?
I don't think so.
Anyway, do we really care when people die outside of our loved ones?
Like Prince.
He had two good albums in the early 80s.
My wife's in tears.
I go, the albums are still there.
Or even in this documentary I watched called Godfathers of Hardcore 1-7.
They're like, Roger Murray Moret, he pronounces it, has changed so many lives with this band.
And if he stops, you know, we don't have him anymore.
No, we got him.
I think they have 12 studio albums.
We'll be good.
See, this, I was texting Amanda Milius, who did the plot against the president, and I go, every time I watch a doc, yours gets better because I realize how hard it is to make a good documentary.
And here's the number one problem with all these music docs.
They're by superfans for super fans.
So I enjoyed this because I know all those songs and I know those guys.
Well, I don't really know them.
I know of them.
I've heard a million Vinny Stigma stories over the years.
So I'm enjoying that prank call and stuff.
But if you don't know tons of agnostic front songs and you weren't following them back in the 80s, then this is boring to you.
That's Freddy Manball.
That's Freddie Manball.
And here's what they don't understand.
A documentary is still a movie.
So it has, it should be in three acts.
And you got to wow as in the third act.
And this is another thing I kept screaming at Vice.
And I said this last week.
We had this guy, Thurston Howell III.
He was a rapper, and he had a song called MCs Still Living With Their Moms.
And he's like all about being Puerto Rican in the Lower East Side, where an agnostic friend is from.
And he was joking about himself, like how you have the posters on your walls that you had when you were 12 and you're 32 now.
That was funny.
So when I was talking to the writer, I say, look, Thurston Howe, the fans are already happy now because he's there.
So do, like, talk about being Puerto Rican in the East Village and maybe bring in some stats on welfare down there and how many people like don't move and all that shit.
Put all that in.
So now my motto was, I want my mom to want to read it.
So make it interesting about Puerto Ricans in the East Village.
Don't get into like, what inspired you to do this song and all that dumb shit they ask musicians.
It doesn't help anyone.
And now we have two things.
We have an interview with a rapper, fans are happy, and we have an interview with the 32-year-old Puerto Rican who lives with his mom.
And this is what they got to do in docs.
Like when you're talking about agnostic front, you got to talk about the culture of the 80s in the Lower East Side and how fucking violent it was.
And that's why the music was so violent.
And these guys were, you know, they thought they were Nazi skinheads because they had, they said oi and they had, they were skinheads.
But they weren't racist.
It's just that they were fucking heavy and they sang about junkies and people on welfare can go fuck themselves and all that kind of stuff because that was life in the Lower East Side.
So I think the animosity this band got from West Coasters was really like middle class people versus working class people.
And them going, ew, those guys are like way too much.
And so that sounds gay.
So you say, those guys are racist.
And that makes you sound a little cooler.
Which is the real deal with the Proud Boys.
What's actually going on here is it's middle class people who are journalists, right?
Most journalists are middle class, grew up middle class.
A boring, shocked by, disgusted by working class people.
Racist is just a term that means, I don't like that guy and I'm right.
It's sort of like when people go, I'm not really offended by that joke.
It's just not funny.
What they mean is I'm offended by the joke, but you can't say that or you sound like church lady.
So you just go, it's just not funny.
So you want to say, I'm disgusted by Proud Boys, but that makes you sound like a pussy.
So you go, they're racist and that disappoints me.
And it was the same with the West Coast view of Agnostic Front.
That little thing I just said is not in the movie at all.
And he starts it out.
He's recreated a punk squat from the 80s with actors dressed in old punk clothes.
Great.
Then he abandons that.
It should be like a novel, right?
With like a plot, but it just happens to be true.
This is what they always do.
They get all of the information like 100%.
Then they put it in chronological order and then they barf it out.
So the DC movie starts with Bad Brains and Teen Idols and ends with like, you know, Fugazi and all those later Discord bands.
I mean, it's almost like they're chronicling it for the Dewey Decimal System for some sort of vault, some sort of archive, which I guess is good.
You know, you do that.
Now we have all the information.
But if you're going to make a movie, take those ingredients and bake me a pie.
I just ate a bunch of ingredients.
Whereas my youngest used to say, ingredi dents.
What's this part where he peed?
No, he was sick.
He had a fever and they don't take days off.
So he was sweating like a fucking pig on stage.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
And then he has a heart attack.
Whoa.
Towards the end.
No, not whoa.
Heart attack's not a big deal.
When you're 60?
So this is all heavy, like at the doctor's office.
His heart is, she goes, he has the heart of someone who should be 6'4.
He's 5'9.
You're like, okay.
So it's a tiny bit bigger than normal.
Like Maddie has a fucking, he's a bionic man.
He doesn't even have a heart.
He's linking the Wizard of Oz.
And we never talk about that.
We're not like, if you did a documentary on this show, we wouldn't make the last third about Maddie's heart.
He could die at any moment.
Speaking of wait, die in any moment.
It's theorized that what's it called, Bob Sagett died of the booster.
Ooh.
I saw that.
Yeah, here we go.
Shock, legendary comedian dies suddenly a month after receiving the COVID booster shot.
Interestante.
Hmm.
Did you show any of Salad Days?
We've already covered the whole thing, but.
I don't think we showed any Salad Days.
No, the documentary shitlips.
But did I mention, too, that Salad Days is a song, a wonderful song by Minor Threat.
That's about how you shouldn't glorify your scene.
Or sorry, you should glorify your scene.
Like the beauty of punk rock was London and New York, maybe a bit of LA.
And if you weren't part of that, you're a loser.
But hardcore was sped up and less glamorous and less outfitty.
And that was like your scene matters.
Your scene in Boise, Idaho.
And Maximum Rock and Roll would put out these scene reports.
The Ottawa, Canada, Ottawa, Ontario scene report would be there right next to New York City.
So my band was in it, Anal Chinook.
And we were next, you know, the next page was Agnostic Front.
Obviously, Agnostic Front were much more influential.
But the beauty of that concept was not to glorify one particular scene.
It's like anti-celebrity.
DIY was the motto, do it yourself.
So we put on all our own shows.
And the reason that you hear so much about the D.C. hardcore scene is they were all rich kids.
Sons of politicians and professors.
And as I said on Getter, they'd buy their kids a dark room.
By the way, Ian Mackay is my age.
He's never had a drink in his life.
He looks fucking amazing.
Don't drink, kids.
When you think about, you know, what kind of a town Washington, D.C. was at that time.
But yeah, they helped.
They tried to make it seem tough because Reagan got shot.
Yeah, D.C. was a tough town.
What with Reagan getting shot?
You're the president?
Watch out.
Meanwhile, the Lower East Side in 1980 was Syria.
They all squatted.
When the singer, Roger Moret, had his baby, he kept it in a drawer.
Wow.
The baby's crying.
You just closed the drawer.
Quiet.
But yeah, they bought them dark rooms and cameras.
So it's overdocumented.
But every little scene, Montreal, Ottawa, Boise, they all had all really, there's always like three or four amazing bands and then a bunch of stragglers that had moments.
Anyway, a big goal of this show is to keep you entertained, tell a story, and have some big picture there.
I don't want to just barf out information with no conclusion.
Like, that's not a fun conversation.
This is a good conversation.
I talk for a minute, and we talk about when we're kids, and who bullied and who was bullied.
And then you tell a couple anecdotes, similar topic.
The next guy, and you don't talk for more than maybe two minutes per person.
And then once you've all told our stories, we start drawing conclusions.
So it sounds like everyone in their childhood has a phase where they're bullied and a phase when they bully.
And maybe that's sort of the way you experience life.
You're at the bottom, you're at the top.
It's good rehearsal for adult life.
There, we just had an interesting conversation.
Your stories, by the way, about you bullying and bullied are now in my brain and I've experienced them, which is what makes humans unique.
Memes.
Forget the memes that your friends send you as jokes.
The actual dictionary definition of memes is conveying stories.
So the other animals have genes.
We get genes and memes.
Monkey gets eaten by a saber-toothed tiger or bitten.
He goes to the other monkey, hi.
We get bitten by a saber-toothed tiger.
We go to the other caveman.
Don't go near these things.
They're fucking vicious and they bit my leg off.
Now you have that experience.
You get more life.
These documentaries didn't give me more life.
I just got a bunch of facts.
It's like the way women write.
The perfect example is that seeping Bible story that woman wrote for, I don't know what it was, Salon.
It's like 12,000 words.
She went there for a week and she discovered that the 84-year-old preacher who claimed that his Bible was weeping oils was actually buying the oil from a hardware store and pouring it on the Bible.
So in the least educated county in America, some of the very elderly Christians believe things that aren't true.
Wow.
Wow.
Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll.
This is all her notes.
It's never ending.
It's a Bible.
She wrote a Bible.
You know what's weird?
When she was done writing this, it started oozing.
Yeah.
She was jealous.
That's why she wrote this as a hit piece.
And then I watched 90 Day Fiancé, and I thought, did they set up a camera in hell?
Who's this?
This is my fucking car dealership.
I bought my last car.
I sat there signing papers for 20 minutes.
At one point, and I'm in the finance department.
At one point, the guy's desk becomes a computer.
It's all high-tech.
And he goes like this and turns the PDF around for me.
Like minority report?
Yeah.
Well, it doesn't rise up.
It's actually, it is a screen.
So then he turns it around.
He has me sign.
I'm signing that, initialing shit forever.
And then my autopay isn't set up, and I'm getting calls from BMW like three times a day.
And the worst part is, it's a robot.
So when I answer, they go, would you like to make a payment?
And then I go, okay, and then just log In to BMW.com with your password.
What?
What kind of fucking nerd is signed up to his BMW account?
So you can do what?
Get a new battery?
Anyway, sorry.
So, yeah, 90 Day Fiancé is getting weirder.
And it is, as I said on Getter, horny retards being hustled by damaged sluts.
And they are damaged.
This is Caleb and Dana is bizarre.
Look at her.
How do you fuck that?
It's our first morning in Turkey together.
And it's kind of sad.
I made my wife watch some of it and she's like, I don't like this.
And she goes, it's like you're with a kid.
And I go, at best, in the final scene in last night's episode, he moves her from the bottom of the bed to the pillows.
And he sort of goes, plop, which would be sexy if you were both 5'10.
But she's literally two feet tall.
So now it's like, support her neck.
No, it's like necrophilia.
It's like it's a body part.
It's just a torso.
Yeah.
So I go, yeah, yeah.
It's like it's a kid at best.
Right.
At worst, it's like you've dismembered a body and you're fucking one of the holes.
I mean, how do you hold like her toes?
Remember her feet?
They're like, they're like stones.
They're like Popeye biscuits that someone has glued random toes into.
Now, somebody wrote in, oh no, they put a comment on one of Gavin and Friends' thing, man, and it was crazy, man.
And they were like, yeah, somebody I love has something similar to this.
And it's like, well, you know, God bless them, man, but they're putting this on television like it's normal, man.
Are you reading YouTube comments now, Joe?
I read, yeah.
Weird.
People say I look discolored, but that's a conspiracy.
There's no evidence, man.
The fact-checkers said there was no evidence.
I feel fine.
Which now fact-checking is you notice something, and because you can't prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt, then it's not true.
Right.
We saw with our own eyes that they made him dirty brown from a normal color.
But yeah, look at those hands.
The ideal setup for magic to happen.
That was your night.
Well, you want me to be honest about it?
Yeah, get up here and tell me about it.
Look how small the sippy takes.
It can happen.
There you go.
I'm going to have some of that.
One eye drop.
Look at him.
Does he just want to be famous?
Is that what's going on here?
He wants to be on the TV?
Anyway, this is one of the more normal ones.
The other woman, this guy looks like one of those probiscus monkeys.
He's a Jewish guy.
His nose is comical.
His eyes are just two pinholes.
And he's bald and hideous and awkward.
And he's with this fucking Colombian gangstress who can't have babies.
And her ex-husband, who she has three kids with, is a hitman.
Run.
Oh, this is, well, this is what I wanted to say.
What are you doing way down there?
That's 1-5?
So that's Jennifer Tavenalo something.
When I'm looking at the midget, or whatever you want to call that woman, I'm thinking, dude, it's Russia.
Like, go get a 10.
And there was a guy who did that, 1-4.
This woman is a 10.
And her accent isn't that bad.
She's Colombian, not married to a Hitman.
She's not a midget.
This is Jasmine.
And this guy won't fuck her.
Jennifer.
Look at her.
She's comically beautiful.
Like, it's funny.
Her tits even are otherworldly.
I don't usually get to know new people, to be honest.
Speaks English perfectly.
So we arrived.
You know what she looks like?
That filter where you can make your face a Disney face?
Oh, yeah.
She's Disney-esque.
Really?
Yeah, right.
Like a Moana?
I think so.
Yeah.
A certain Disney movie.
What a smoke show.
The guy with the midget must be going, wait, you can do those?
I want one of those.
This is the woman who was dating that guy that we decided was a lesbian and doesn't have a penis because he'd never fuck her.
That was one five.
Remember that guy?
He still does it.
He still does the thing where you watch 90-day fiancé and me all have to look at your toes because you're in bed.
That guy.
Remember we decided he was a lesbian?
Yeah.
Oh my God.
We are almost there.
I'm a fact checker.
There is no evidence that he has a penis.
Let's try this.
Look at him.
What is it?
This is a swing.
No, thank you.
No, no, no.
Or that time, baby.
He doesn't have balls either.
You have to do it with me.
Is that the same chick?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
But go back to the 1-4.
So she can't get him to fuck her.
I believe it's because you can't fuck with two pussies.
They could scissor.
And then that Dutch Netherlands dude, he doesn't put out.
He goes, I want to get to know her.
I don't.
I know her.
She's the one.
I would wear her like a condom within the first second of getting there.
Look at what he's wearing.
What is going on in the Netherlands?
Little sparkly bow tie?
Are you kidding me?
I agree with everything she said.
Non-carbonated Merlot.
There is a language barrier right now.
No, there's not.
The one with the Hitman X, they only speak through a translator machine.
And then they have this Muslim Guy, this Palestinian dude, who's with this black chick, and she's not supposed to fuck because they're religious.
And what is he drinking?
Apple juice?
Did you get raw, actually?
Did you get raw?
Because mine is raw.
No, it's rare, you fucking idiot.
It's seared.
That looks delicious.
I don't know what's going on.
I didn't get what I want.
I got some weird drinks.
This is my first time here, too.
Senor?
She looks like the chick from Square Pegs.
Look at her.
We wanted a Merlot red wine.
I don't know what this is.
You have no red wine?
Okay.
Also, this steak is like raw.
And some vegetables, please.
I'm not against what he's doing, but he's coming off kind of like a bitch.
You come across this.
Is there a dog in here?
That pisses you off, too.
We're on his side now.
No, not in Colombia.
It pisses me off in America.
You're lucky there's not a dude with an AK-47 in there.
Please.
All right, speaking of things that piss me off, I have to cover this.
I don't like watching the English language die.
I'm not a grammar Nazi.
Okay, I am a grammar Nazi, but it's because I respect English and I love it.
It's not a floral language.
It's not Latin-based.
It's not like French or Spanish where you have male and female.
Those languages are great for poetry and art and stuff.
English is a Swiss army knife.
We cut out all the color.
In fact, even the word color in America, we don't do the OU.
We've stripped it down.
It's bare bones.
I think it was the Vikings in Britain when they were taking over the UK.
They decided to strip whatever English was back then to a much more bare bones thing.
It's originally Germanic.
And it's great.
And it's not demanding.
And even with these few rules to make it structured, like an Oxford comma, where you're listing a bunch of things.
And then the last one, you put a comma before the and.
Stop starting a sentence with and.
Stop starting a sentence with but.
But there's something far more egregious happening in the English language.
If you follow me on Getter, you know what this is.
But we have to address it.
Dollar sign on the wrong side of the number.
Every time I see it, a piece of me dies.
Because when I see it, I go, doesn't that look weird to you?
And it doesn't.
You know why?
Because no one reads anymore.
The only things they read is other illiterate people's posts.
And those people don't read.
So I really feel like we're watching the English language die.
Teachers, of course, are incompetent.
And when my kids were going to public school in Brooklyn, they would get messages like, you're awesome while you are and no murkers.
And that didn't look unusual to the teacher because the teachers difference.
The teachers don't read either, despite working a tenth as much as the rest of us do, getting two months off in the summer, two months of holidays, home at 320.
Anyway, that's a whole other kettle of fish.
But let's start with the, what do we got?
The politician?
Yeah, only $180 sign, and you can get a PCR test in the Eaton Center.
This is a Canadian politician, blue check politician.
And that doesn't look weird to her.
So she doesn't read books.
Next.
Who cares?
Come on, everybody.
So this is, I've talked about this a lot, but baby formula is popular with junkies because it resells well.
And when people see that it's expensive, they go, oh, these poor mothers, they can't afford it.
And so they think it's shoplifted a lot because it's so expensive.
So they leave money in it or under it.
Lady, it doesn't get shoplifted by a poor, struggling mother.
It gets shoplifted by a poor, struggling junkie.
So not only are you putting the dollar sign on the wrong side of the number, you're putting your money on the wrong side of society by paying junkies to shoplift, you stupid bitch.
And they almost always have their dog as an avatar, these dumb cunts.
Next.
This is a genius who bought a KFC monitor with, oh no, a McDonald's menu off a junkie for $75.
And if you're stupid enough to put the dollar sign on the wrong side, you're stupid enough to buy something from a fucking junkie.
Moron.
Oh, this is a weird one.
So Chance the Rapper says, would you rather have $30 million or 30 million friends?
No one wants 30 million friends.
No one wants more than like 10 friends.
Do you mean fans?
What the fuck is 30 million loyal friends?
Do you go on vacation with them every year?
That's the size of fucking Canada, dumbass.
Anyway, this genius, who, by the way, Chance the Rapper says, someone get a hold of this man.
Someone connect me with this man.
He's a genius.
So this smart guy, Todd, wants you to know that he'd have 30 million loyal friends.
He'd at everyone for $5.
Not only is the dollar sign in the wrong spot, it's broken.
What is going on there?
It's italic.
And then when he writes $150 million, he puts a dollar sign there.
By the way, I've had people argue with me after I correct them.
And instead of going, oh, stupid me.
I can't believe I did that.
They go, no, actually, do you say dollars $100 or $100?
See, you're the stupid idiot.
Like that, you can't even come back from.
You just have to go and watch a little piece of the English language permanently die.
So, anyway, he's got some bullshit Kakamimi scheme where he's going to open a chocolate factory and then charge all 30 million people this and 30 million that, and he'd make 30 million a day or some bullshit.
And every single time he talks about his brilliant plan, how smart he is, he does this shit, which says, I'm a fucking idiot.
And what's with the dot, dot, then?
Dot, dot.
This guy needs to be strangled.
Like, this is sub-8-year-old level.
This is like second-grade writing.
Next.
Okay, so these now are, I think Lauren Southern or someone was shitting on Jack Murphy, which whatever, you know our position on that.
I don't really care about your sex life, but I get that people are mad that he's teaching, getting money to be, teach people how to be a man.
And then also, he had promoted cuck porn, whatever, or cucking in general.
So someone says, like, I can't believe he was charging $100 a month.
And as these people are shitting on Jack and talking about how stupid he is and what an asshole he is, they're all putting the dollar sign in the wrong spot.
Like half a dozen times.
Stop exaggerating.
It was only $99 a month.
Again, that doesn't look weird to the animal avatar because they've never picked up a book.
Next.
Oh, this guy, this is the guy who called me a moron.
I DM'd him.
And I said, how do you not know where the, and I do dollar sign?
How do you not know where the dollar sign goes?
And he goes, yeah, exactly.
Why don't they know that?
It's so corrupt.
He thought I meant, how do they not know where the money goes?
So then I'm going, no, moron, I'm talking about you.
You don't know where, and I wrote out dollar sign.
And then he's the one who goes, is it dollars $100 or $100, moron?
So all these men have you themselves as either weak have no guidance got ripped off from his program that he was charging $100.
This is a weird liberal thing, too.
They hate money.
Like I saw some, I think it was a Daily Beast article where they go, Alex Jones made $165 million last year.
Fuck him.
I hope he dies.
Like just money is a sin.
Next.
Exact same thing.
Zoom out?
Oh, this might be the original one.
Oh, no, no.
Sorry, it's not.
It's sad knowing all men who viewed themselves the other week.
Wait, that's the same thing.
You just showed that one twice.
Yeah, that's the same one.
Well, those are them?
That's it?
Yes.
I mean, am I crazy?
Does it break your heart too?
It's indicative of something much bigger than a typo.
This is the death of English.
This is a death of reading.
This is the death of curiosity.
Seeing that dollar sign on the wrong side of the number should snap your heart in two.
Fighting one, man.
There ain't no mystery.
Chalk it up to provisionist history.
Your conspiracy, don't be illumined.
The earth is round and we went to the moon.
Oh, the earth is round and we went to the moon.
So if you doubt this election, Joe Biden, Exodus loves their Joe Biden.
If you doubt this election, then you are the same kind of person who thinks the earth is flat and we never went to the moon.
Is he Native American or did he turn Native American with age?
Well, Skolnik sounds kind of Polish.
He looks exactly like this Native American bodybuilder from Canada.
I guess he's a First Nations then, right?
Native Americans up in Canada, First Nations.
Looks exactly like a mountain.
All right.
We're talking about writing and how important it is, and it reminds me of Norman Mailer.
This is so fucking weird.
Norman Mailer wanted to be Hemingway.
He wanted to be a bad boy.
He was a good writer, but not great.
And he kissed a lot of ass, a black ass, and he was always fighting and stuff and being violent, and that was kind of cool back then.
He was never arrested for it, I don't think.
He fucking stabbed his wife because she called him, I don't know, a wimp or something.
She lived.
He stabbed her.
It was just a penknife.
But he did an article a long ass time ago called The White Negro.
And it basically said, look, man, he's trying to be a beatneck, right?
And he's like, look, man, we got to get with the brothers.
They know what time it is, enjoying music and getting out there and having sex and fucking and fighting and living, man.
Us squares don't know what the fuck's going on.
We need to get with the Negro.
Be like, more like him.
Learn to appreciate life, right?
So I don't like that because you're ass-kissing black people and it's corny.
But James Baldwin didn't like it because he said you're kind of the same as me, actually.
He said you're fetishizing blacks and you think we're all partiers and we all fuck more than you and that kind of stuff.
Which is true.
I think blacks party more and fuck more than we do, don't they?
So that's why he didn't like it.
He thought it was too ass kissy.
No one ever called it racist.
Well, I guess they did because they said you're fetishizing blacks.
But if anything, it was like putting blacks on a pedestal.
I don't know.
So go to 22.
Wait, was it?
23A?
He's being canceled because someone at the school Random House cancels Novelix Norman Mailer.
Michael Wolfe reveals publisher scrap plans to publish collection of authors writing for Centennial of His Birth after Junior Staffer.
It's always some stupid kid.
Junior staffer objected to the title.
So this junior staffer has clearly not even read it.
This is what Bill Hicks would always say.
He's like, why are we capitulating to, when did we start listening to babysitters?
That was his exact quote because he's talking about Tiffany.
I think we're alone now.
He's comparing it to when he was young and Jimi Hendrix.
But so the junior staffer objected to the title, The White Negro, having no idea what it was about, and it was about how wonderful the Negroes are and how we need to be more like them.
And Michael, for some reason, Michael Wolfe.
Remember him?
Gay face?
Go down, I bet they have his fucking big gay face.
There's Norman Mailer.
There's James Baldwin.
That's the woman he stabbed.
She's kind of hot, eh?
I think she's Puerto Rican.
Look at his gay face.
That's undeniable gay face.
Even if he's never sucked a dick and he's only fucked women, I feel bad because he hasn't enjoyed his true calling, which is dick sucking.
Look at those blowjob lips.
I don't know if you're talking about.
Wait, why'd you make him British?
It's just the gayest voice I can think of.
It's British.
Like Archie Bunker said.
Isn't this insane?
A guy.
I think the essay was like in the early 60s.
A guy half a century ago.
Oh, this was good.
He got into a fight with Gore Vidal.
This was the good old days when you could fight.
But they're just arguing here.
But backstage Norman Mailer head-butted him.
I actually know Norman Mailer's son, Johnny Buffalo.
He's got the same name as my kid.
That's how we met.
We were at a party, and I go, holy shit, Johnny Buffalo, that's my kid's name.
He's gone up, he's gone down, he's gone up, he's gone down.
My kid's actually Indian, unlike you.
Well, I know what annoys him about you, because he's written it, and it's the idea of your having sort of assumed the Hemingway lifestyle when Hemingway died.
He called it the boozing, brawling, boyisher fool, worried about his liver.
That was an earlier period.
That was an earlier period.
That was the period of advertisements for myself when Norman was sounding like that.
No, he's changed again.
The good thing about him is his constant metamorphosis.
He does re-bear himself like the Phoenix.
And what the next incarnation will be, I don't know.
Well, you seem to have me figured out as the next reincarnation for me is going to be Charles Manson.
Well, you let yourself...
Let's read what you wrote.
You let yourself in for it.
And I will tell you, I'll give a little background here.
Mailer has to be...
We all know that I stabbed my wife years ago.
We do know that, Gore.
You were playing on that.
Oh, I want to forget about it.
No, you don't want to forget about it.
You're a liar and a hypocrite.
You were playing on it.
But that wasn't a liar or a hypocrite.
That wasn't going to talk about it.
So Gore Fidel, the homo, has been writing horrible shit about Norman Mailer, and then he gets called on it and immediately folds.
No, that was an older iteration.
Pussy.
I kind of like Norman Mailer.
Me too.
When he fought Rip Torn?
Yeah, that's 22B.
Oh my God, Johnny Buffalo's in this clip.
No shit.
Yeah.
The baby.
He's crying.
He's the baby.
So they did this art film that was a lot of ad-lib.
I think Norman Mailer was playing the protagonist who was running for office or something.
But they wanted to have some violence in it.
No, we don't need two windows.
That's Rip Torn of Men in Black.
Men in Black, but also the show.
Gary Shandling.
He was the.
Gary Shandling Show.
Not Mailer.
I don't want to kill Mailer, but I must kill Kingsley in this picture.
So they were ad-libbing, and then they did an improv fight with a hammer.
And then it got real.
Norman.
No, baby.
No, baby.
You know, you trust me.
I'd be terrified.
You trust me.
You trust me.
You trust me.
You trust me.
Come on.
I'll trust you.
You trust me.
All right.
All right.
From us?
From us.
All right.
Okay, I go.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Dan.
Now, is there biting that happens?
There's some biting.
I'd be worried about that hammer.
Yes.
Hey!
You cut that family off!
What a psycho.
Wow, that's real joking, huh?
Yeah, he's actually joking.
But Norman isn't the brawler he likes to pretend to be.
Get up, dude.
Promise you'll stop?
So maybe keep, maybe skip ahead there.
This goes on and on.
You hear the crying kid?
He's hurt worse than me.
Yeah, he's giving you the hot outer asshole.
What is that?
You put it on.
I pulled it, Norman.
I really did, baby.
I had to do that.
You know that.
Look at you to my kitchen.
Look, he's saying Norman.
So that's not the character.
That's Norman Mailer.
This was not for the movie.
I'm taking the scene of the movie.
I'm taking that scene of the movie.
Oh, come on, really?
Take two.
Cut.
No, no, no.
I'm cut.
No, no, no.
We're going to cut.
No, no, I cut you.
SCTV used to make fun of Norman Miller a lot.
Go to 2-4.
And this is him doing a commercial for Tide.
Commercial for Tide.
Let's find out how Norman made out.
It was a tough assignment.
Took me two and a half years to rent the damn thing.
I consider myself one of the best damn writers in America.
But I only produce when I'm inspired.
For months, the creative juices wouldn't flow.
I was ready to pack it in.
Then one night I was at a party, and I ran into the most pretentious, the most fatuous, the most obnoxious writer in America, bore Van Ol.
I hadn't seen him for years, but the guy hadn't changed any.
He was still a sissy.
He didn't know how to drink.
I saw you in ragtime, and I always knew you couldn't write.
But I never would have guessed you couldn't act either.
It was missing.
My ball was covered in blood.
Previous fight was a little more realistic.
A watch without shirt using another leading detergent and another machine that works just tie.
What?
Tie.
There's gotta be two shirts, Norman.
Ridal shirts still have stains on it.
This tie.
Norman, that was a perfectly good silk tie, which you totally ruined.
All right, that's an option.
And then this is interesting.
2-6.
Speaking of listening to babysitters, so just like that, whatever we called him, a junior intern who got Norman Mailer canceled post-mortem, this pilot has a LGB,
Let's Go Brandon, little badge on his luggage.
And some child, child tweets out that she's offended.
By the way, Black Lives Matter, no problem.
Put that on the side of the fucking plane.
But let's go, Brandon.
And y'all, look at her.
Bill Hicks, man.
When did we start listening to babysitters?
Hey, American Air.
By the way, American Airlines was started in 1930 as an amalgam of a bunch of smaller airline companies.
It's worth $8 billion.
And Dana farts on Twitter and they shut everything down.
She calls the shots over that $8 billion corporation.
Probably because the people who make these decisions are also young females.
Like, we just got to tweet.
Because the old white, bald CEOs, they don't want to deal with Twitter.
So some chick at American Airlines is like, we got to tweet.
Tweet alert.
So they send her this groveling apology because of that.
Go up, go up, just a little bit.
Yeah.
Let's go Brandon.
Tiny little sticker to help him identify his bag.
And you know, she calls it cowardly because it's not fuck Joe Biden.
For the record, we don't say fuck Joe Biden because we don't want to have fuck around kids.
Let's go Brandon is a nice, clean, non-offensive to kids way to say fuck Joe Biden.
And it also means fuck the media and is mocking the media for their relentless lies.
So it's perfect.
And we're allowed to mock the media and not be thrilled with the president.
Can I say a quick thing about that?
Especially when pilots are getting fired in droves for not getting vaccinated.
This was crazy.
I'm watching Fear City.
It's the mafia, New York City versus the Mafia.
And they're about to do a sting on the five bosses, the five head bosses of the families.
And they're going to do it the day afterwards.
NBC or ABC finds out about this and they call up the police and they say, hey, we know that you're going to do a thing, so we're going to air it tonight.
And they're like, you can't fucking air it tonight.
Otherwise, they're going to know we're going to arrest them.
They're going to leave.
What are you doing?
You know what I mean?
It's got to do with what I'm talking about.
This is how the media was shitty back in the, I guess this is the 80s.
And they were like, well, we're going to put it on the news anyway because it's a big scoop.
It's like, you can't do that because if you tell the bosses we're going to arrest them.
I understand.
That's unethical.
So when they had talking about that.
We're talking about when the media heard fuck Joe Biden and said, let's go, Brandon.
Well, you still can't trust the media because they were about to let the bosses know they were going to get arrested.
Great segue there.
But isn't that unforgivable?
You're unforgivable, throwing off the whole vibe of the show with that irrelevant detail.
It's media related.
Yeah.
So they send her this, thank you for bringing this to our attention, and we want to get this to the right team.
Please DM any additional details.
We hold our team members to the highest standards.
The airline policy, blah, blah, blah.
You know they don't, yeah.
In October, the Dallas-Fort Worth-based airline came under fire to create an official Black Lives Matter pin for employees.
Stand for change.
We believe Black Lives Matter.
That's a pin for all their employees to wear.
And the fact that this little cunt can make them dance around really bothers me.
It really pisses me off.
You nih?
Like Terry Richardson, fantastic photographer.
He brought a sort of punk rock mentality to high fashion.
He didn't invent the idea of just using a point and shoot, but he honed it and solidified it using just like a Carl Zeiss lens on a, oh fuck, what were those cameras called?
Not a cannon, but those little handheld cameras.
I forget what they're called.
They're impossible to find now.
And he did that sort of flash photography, super raunchy porn stuff.
So he was doing Gucci and Yves Saint-Laurent.
And then on his downtime, he was doing like his own face covered in jizz, like some girl's ass with a zit on it.
Really funny shit.
He photographed me standing on my own dick.
And then there was rumors of, you know, me too type stuff that was not true.
He just got laid a lot, and that's a crime after a certain amount of pussies.
And he's doing H ⁇ M, and some 18-year-old in Britain, a girl, just like that Dana chick, goes, I hope you're not working with rape apologist Terry Richardson, H ⁇ M.
$240,000 contract.
Boom, done.
Canceled.
Whoop.
And that started a snowball.
All his clients started dropping out.
And he went from making like, I don't know, $5 or $6 million a year to nothing.
And he moved upstate.
He retired, basically.
He fired all his staff.
It cost him his job.
That's it.
They ended.
They killed a lot of jobs with that.
Hope he and everyone else gets a race for having to deal with Karen passengers such as this one.
Yeah, the blowback was pretty harsh on her saying, oh my God, thank God you survived.
It must have been horrible.
Seeing a pin.
Can you imagine how much.
Do you want to know how much fucking Trump hate we had to wade through every day when he was president?
But again, it's babysitters deciding what we get to see and not see.
Let's just do a brief war on kids and then we'll get to the letters page.
We're living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.
Regulations to indoctrinate American school children with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrine.
I had to run and get my computer there for the mailbag.
Childless woman trying to make other women enjoy childlessness.
It's like when junkies want you to stoop to their level.
Welcome to your Decided Not to Have a Baby Shower by the childless comedian-esque comedian, Elizabeth Zapphire McDonnell.
So she's a spinster who waited too long, and here she is glorifying all these other spinsters, these other childless women that believe it or not, my motive to discourage this kind of thinking is about happiness.
What am I basing it on?
All of the females I know.
All the ones who waited too long, they always say to me, still, like this weekend, do you know any guys?
Do you know any guys in LA?
Do you know any guys in DC?
I want them to be able to pick me up.
I want strong, a strong man.
I'm like, you're too old.
You waited too long.
Sorry.
No, I can't help you.
And, you know, the ones I do know that have kids, they always say the same thing.
Why did we wait so long?
What took us so long?
Now I'm lucky to have two.
I might have another one.
And because I'm 42, I'm worried about ass pergers.
You know, they tend to be autistic when you have them with old moms.
You start at 25, you can have five.
So the reason I keep saying, ladies, stop this sex in the city shit.
You're going to regret it.
Your ovaries will dry up and you'll be bummed is because I've seen it a million times.
If women were fucking dancing in the streets and having the greatest lives with no kids, I'd say kids, they don't seem to be very popular.
I don't know what it is about parenting, but it seems to suck balls.
It doesn't.
It rules.
And then people go, well, women are less happy after having kids.
That's a weird thing to explain, but it's like...
If you went from sitting on your ass all day to trying to master the piano because you were really talented, people would go, he's a lot more frustrated now that he started those piano lessons.
Well, yeah, because I have higher standards now.
I'm trying to actually achieve something.
So your scope of I'm good and I'm bad has changed.
It's harder now.
Like you heard me bitching about how I wasn't a good dad this weekend.
Childless people are like, I had a cool weekend.
I just sat around, you know, relaxed.
I had some me time.
Yeah, I took a mental health day.
I feel bad when I have a mental health day because I wasn't there for my kids.
You get it?
Is that her?
First piece for the Daily Show.
So I guess she wrote this.
It's about women and how much they rock.
Yeah, women veterans.
The truth is, there have been women fighting wars since the beginning of America.
During the Revolutionary War, Deborah Sampson was the first known woman to enlist.
And to do so, she had to pose as a man, which had its ups and downs.
This is common on the war.
Elizabeth?
And Sampson didn't just fight in the war.
She kicked ass.
She led a raid that captured 15 men.
So she basically won the war.
People don't know this, that the American Revolution was won by women.
Look, there she is.
All right, go down.
There she is.
Oh, this article's old as shit.
See, this is the problem with the baby monsters.
They send me stuff, and I don't realize it's from 2021.
Not that it matters, but go back to the article.
Let's read the first paragraph.
Congratulations.
Zoom in on that.
Congratulations, you've decided not to have a baby.
This is a huge milestone, and we want you to know that we, your friends and family, are here to support you.
It's going to be a challenging first couple years as you power through the remainder of your 30s with people constantly asking you when you're going to procreate like they're eager customers at Golden Corral and you're the chef cooking up the next round of fresh hot buns.
Starts a sentence with but, but not to worry, once you hit 40, that'll be behind you.
Then you'll be able to look blissfully ahead to the next several decades of acquaintances wondering if you're really okay and whether having a thriving career, like where you write shitty articles like this, while also being able to go on vacation whenever you want is truly making you happy.
We're going to be here to support you through that.
Anyway, it's a tongue-in-cheek, fun little romp about how we should celebrate not having kids.
Many of your closest friends will share this sentiment when they hear about you traveling to Costa Rica and making out with your surf instructor.
The surf instructor doesn't want to fuck you.
You're old.
You fucked up.
And when you dwell and celebrate on your life, that life was because somebody had a baby shower and you popped out.
When they celebrate their narcissistic, self-centered life, it's pro-life.
Pro-having babies.
Well, that goes back to like this whole women are kick-ass and women should be in action movies.
And women are not the same as men.
They're above men.
They made men.
So when you're like, why is it all these stories we hear always involve Men.
I don't know.
They tend to be, they have more upper body strength.
They tend to be in battles more.
They tend to be in fights more.
They tend to be the hero of the story.
But the true hero of the story is the person that made that person.
So, like, why are you competing with us?
It's, I mean, it's the analogy I always use.
It's like Clark Kent bitching about him not being recognized as a journalist.
Yeah, but you're fucking Superman.
She can be a lawyer.
A woman can be a lawyer.
A man can be a woman, too.
Believe it or not, they could be photographers, too.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Trans photogues.
They would holler from across the street.
Look sophisticated.
Embarrassing nose.
You know what we should do, Ryan?
Let's make a montage like this, but it'll all be trans.
And it'll be like, women are kicking ass, dominating in swimming, dominating in track and field.
Dominating medium will have like Caitlin Jenner.
Woman just won at the Golden Globes.
You know, I wonder, looking back at that Gillette ad that's like, guys suck, I wonder if that was like they were trying to vie for like trans customers.
They're like, you still got to shave even though you're a woman.
But guys suck, trust me.
We believe you.
Yeah, maybe.
Because who else is that for?
Well, I think women will buy men's shaving supplies.
Yeah, they're good.
Because they're buying toilet paper and shit already and toothpaste.
And then this was a similar article from Maureen Callahan, my little Irish lass at the New York Post.
And it's a weird article from a conservative, but she clearly has dried up eggs too, dried up ovaries.
Pope Francis' slam of quote-unquote selfish pet parents proves he's never owned a pup.
And she goes on, you don't fuck with a spinster's dog, by the way.
Pope Francis clearly has never had a dog.
And she goes on to say that it's that choosing to have dogs over children diminishes us.
It takes away our humanity.
Yeah.
And then she goes on to talk about how dogs are better than most people.
You've heard that one a million times.
And she goes on to list and show pictures of all of these different times dogs have saved a life.
That woman said, we don't deserve dogs after that little boxer saved the baby when she was breathing weird.
That's some other kid that was saved, I guess.
And that's like some dog barked and said, come, someone's in trouble.
It's like lassie, right?
And you're reading this going, lady, lady, lady, calm down.
I know we made you doubt.
That was some baby that was abandoned and puppies kept it warm.
I know we made you doubt your decision.
Oh, look at that last line, too.
No, go up.
Up.
It's Ricky Gervais.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Noted atheist Ricky Gervais.
Why is a noted atheist?
Oh, because it's a pope.
I get it.
The greatest thing on earth, a dog.
It's the closest I get to spirituality, just watching a dog.
You mean a wolf that we castrated and trained to love you unconditionally, no matter what, and need food at all times, or he'll die?
Yeah, dogs are kind of saying God's creation of wolves isn't exactly perfect.
Yeah, you can't really say God did a great job and then hold up a chihuahua.
Yeah, we made chihuahuas.
But anyway, he's not saying that, just like Bill Hicks said about burning the flag.
He's not saying that.
He doesn't say that.
He said, instead of kids, and you see this all the time in New York, some guy's lazy.
He doesn't have big enough balls to put a ring on it.
She's getting little antsy, so he buys her a dog.
And that gets you like six years of hassle-free chick where she's not going to be complaining because you circumvented her maternal instinct.
So he's saying the concept of fur babies is ridiculous.
However, if you have kids and you want a watchdog, you live in a bad neighborhood, you want the kids to have someone to play with, no one has a problem with that.
Go bananas.
I personally don't think you should get a pit bull, but like, that's, how can you miss the mark like that?
And I think she missed the mark because she's emotionally invested in it.
And it hurt her feelings.
Because when you say you shouldn't be a fur mom, they start realizing that they shouldn't have been a fur mom.
You can be a mom mom and have some fur on the side, but it shouldn't be your only thing, obviously.
And once again, you'll notice when everyone is talking about how I don't want kids and the world's overpopulated and it's fun to celebrate not having kids, 100% of the time it's white people.
You never have black women being rewarded.
In fact, black women get checks in the hood every time they have a kid.
There's just a story here where, yeah, go to 23.
I don't understand how this doesn't violate civil rights laws.
Black women are going to get money just because they're black.
Black women will get no strings attached, monthly checks, in this new guaranteed income experiment.
Black women in Georgia make 63 cents for every dollar that white men make.
What happens if you close that gap?
Yeah, women, why don't you work hard and close the gap?
No, no, no.
We'll just take it from the white guy and give it to the black woman.
So race plays a big part in this war on family.
It's perfectly reasonable to give black women money for having kids, to give them free money just for being them.
Please carry on.
But if white people want to propagate and spread the species, spread their genes, they're told they're hurting the environment.
And when they stop doing it, they get rewarded.
What the fuck is going on here?
And her name is like, what is she trying to put a curse on men?
Hope you have a swollen sack.
Fuck you.
I hope I don't.
Yeah, it's bizarre.
Basically, it comes down to I'm getting to the point where I hate white people because they hate white people.
Like, the whole never saying that about black people isn't like I want whites to be replaced and all That kind of stuff.
I don't think it's that well thought out.
It's just like white people have this ethnomasochism where they want to wipe themselves out.
Blacks don't have it, Japanese don't have it, Mexicans don't have it.
So they feel good writing an article going, don't have kids.
White people suck.
White privilege is the problem.
Hey, white people, like that woman who held a sign on the road that you spoke to, Chrissy, outside my 50th birthday party.
Hey, white people, don't ask for black people's help to fight racism.
This is our problem.
She put all that on one sign.
Yeah.
And by a highway, so cars are like, hey, white people, hey, white people, waiting.
Praying for a traffic jam so they could read it.
Anyway, let's get to the mailbag.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it.
Tactile Tokar.
Touch me, touch me.
That'd be a funny thing.
I kind of wish I was single sometimes because I can't freak out my wife with anything.
She's heard it all before.
But it'd be funny if your first night with a girl, you take her home and you go, touch me.
Like you whispered in her ear.
She'd probably go.
I know of a dude who thought he's going to surprise his girlfriend by dressing up in drag.
So when she comes home, he's like, hi, honey.
Let's have a girl's night.
But she came home early that day and caught him when he had just started.
So he's just putting on her tights and he had on like her bra and was getting, just opening up the makeup.
I remember that.
And he goes, no, no, it was a joke.
It's just a joke.
I didn't believe him.
That was the end of their relationship.
I remember this, and there's a way to do things like that that safeguards you, right?
So you write a note.
Before you even get dressed, you write a note or you, whatever, do something like holding a newspaper and the note.
And it says, I am going to dress up like a girl for a joke.
So if you're caught, then you're just like, look at the thing.
That also, that's a good way to cover your ass if you do want to wear your wife's clothes.
You do anything.
I was wearing my wife's clothes.
I bought the shoes at a tranny store in the city, but that was my wife's beach dress.
Hello, gentle fags.
Love the girl talk episode.
Should definitely do that again in the future.
Anyways, forgive me if this has been talked about in the past, but what are your thoughts on period sex?
I've done it in the past.
It's not something I really get into.
Am I being a fag?
Aldo should do another sit-down interview with Sammy Hyde.
Always like seeing you two together.
I like you more than eyeball surgery.
He mentioned.
I don't do period sex now that I'm married.
You get a little more picky as you get older.
But back in my day, I would do period cunnelingus.
I didn't care.
Yeah, it just hit the top part.
Yeah.
So we're all for it.
But you better get a red towel.
I think you would have done a better job than this guy.
Okay, let's see.
He's talking about a Gen Z. Gen Z. Oh.
You know, Gen Z is full of some amazing men, women, and children that are aiming for change.
And I think that that is just what our movement's all about.
But it's more than just Gen Z's falling for conspiracy theories.
Why?
Oh, my God.
I'm so nervous.
I'm so sorry.
Well, we hope you're okay.
Why don't we give you some time to collect yourself?
If you need help, let us know in the control room there, and we'll get back to you if we can.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
It's based on a guy who really did barf on a news show, and he said, I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.
This is why I so deeply regret not puking.
It's very, very hard to simulate pukes.
That guy just filled his mouth with water and spat it out.
But I puked six feet that way.
I could have puked six feet that way.
That and the dollar sign on the wrong side of the number have hurt me today.
Okay, you ready?
This is fucking long.
Damn.
Let's just stop if it sucks.
Neuropsychiatric condition triggered by COVID.
This is long, but maybe the craziest thing I've ever had happen to a relative.
My in-laws recently got COVID.
They were hit pretty hard by it and seemed to be back to normal when my father-in-law started acting really strange.
He was telling people he wanted to blow his brains out.
He was disconnecting the phone lines.
He wouldn't allow my mother-in-law to call anyone.
He kept trying to get her to go with him to the wood shopping block and became really paranoid over things that weren't happening.
She eventually got a hold of some nearby family members and came over to help.
He threatened to kill himself with a knife.
He swung the knife around, held it to his throat, and started babbling and mumbling.
See, we don't mind letters to be long if they're this juicy.
I guess he didn't really swing it at anyone, but it's pretty scary.
He's probably 6'2 ⁇ and 225.
He's 55.
He's done tree work his entire life, so he's strong as an ox.
Somehow they got the knife from him and got the police to arrest him.
They brought him to the hospital.
Now he's semi-coherent.
He knows the day who the president is, but when they ask him if he'll hurt himself or somebody else, he starts mumbling incoherently for up to five minutes, then tells him not to tell his wife about any of this.
We started doing some research on what happened.
It seems like a rare but documented side effect of COVID.
He never had any mental issues before this, and we're all hoping it'll go back to normal.
I read it could be induced by either brain swelling or a particular immune response in a small number of people.
Wow.
Well, we don't know If he was vaxed, the case is highlighted as a physical therapist who told her therapist she had repeated visions of her children being murdered and that she'd come up with plans to kill her children.
So these are all examples of other people getting it.
Hey, Metallic Farts and Chinese guy.
That's me.
This is called Horribly Talented.
This Edward Peck guy has created a treasure of talented, hilarious, and horrible music.
The videos are pretty good, too.
Let's give him a whirl.
We've had a lot of shitty music today.
All from Baby Monsters.
Although, Salad Days is a fucking damn.
I'd agree.
Did we play it?
Yes.
Just a little bit.
But I played it, and then it was an accident.
Sure, you hit a little bit?
Nah.
Okay.
Go out on Salad Days.
Alright.
I hate being alright all the time.
The moment's reading.
This is me.
This is my theme song.
The woman's walking fast, but he's slow.
I hate being smarter than everyone.
Nobody understands me.
It's so annoying.
It's so annoying.
I need to correct you one day.
I don't know why you get mad.
You should be thanking me.
Can't you come?
What a weird choice to shoot a video.
At least it's well lit.
All right.
G-Dog and Rye guy.
I have to disagree with you.
Pranking people while they work is not wasting their time.
I've had plenty of shitty jobs, and a prank is something to talk about.
Even during the prank, you put on speaker and the other works join in and listen.
If it's a good prank, it gives everyone something to talk about.
Yeah, I guess.
That's when you're in on it, or at least you get it.
But fucking.
Just like calling a guy up with a rude word, or you're ordering, like, I don't know, crushed glass on your pizza.
Hey, Gavin, I was sitting on the bus today in Jerusalem.
This is Muslims Among Us.
And there was a Muslim woman sitting across from me.
And it dawned on me how screwed up this is.
Did you get the picture?
I'm in school here, and we're located directly across from East Jerusalem.
The mere thought of crossing into East Jerusalem, let alone getting on a bus filled with our wonderful brethren, is not even in the realm of reality.
Have you heard of the Jews killed in the last couple weeks in Israel?
A father and a son killed by these radical retards, who are on Twitter, by the way.
Not a word.
Hamas, also on Twitter, praised the attack as a heroic operation.
Yet the media wants to treat the Proud Boys and the G-Dog as threats to democracy and America?
Ironically, it is the ginos, Jews in name only, who push for the censorship of Americans and explain how worried and unsafe they feel as Jews, yet have the same politics as Hamas and believe Israel has no right to exist.
The left has nothing to say about daily Israeli deaths.
Here's an excerpt from The Guardian on the attack.
Police identified the attacker as 42-year-old Palestinian from East Jerusalem.
Palestinian media identified him as Fadi Abu Shkahaidim, a teacher at a nearby school in Gaza.
A teacher at a nearby school.
In Gaza, Hamas praised the attack as a heroic operation and said Abu Shkahaidim was one of its members, but stopped short of claiming responsibility for the attack.
And it gets worse.
They have Muslims in their fucking parliament.
Jews aren't even allowed to go to Jerusalem or Gaza.
You can't set foot in there.
But Muslims can be in the parliament and there's Muslim areas in Israel.
And you know what they do in those areas?
Constantly bitch about the quality of the roads and the services and say that they're not treated as well as the Israelis or as the Jewish Israelis.
They're Muslim Arab Israelis.
What?
And here's another thing.
Put that picture of that woman back up.
You could, let's use an analogy of Muslims as dogs, right?
This is not a poodle on the train.
This is not a chocolate lab.
This is a pit bull.
Palestinians' number one goal is to wipe out Israel.
You don't really get that vibe when you meet a Muslim in fucking England.
I'm sure they don't support Israel.
But it's not like they're raising debt.
They're not Saudis.
They're not Moroccans.
They're Palestinians, which is why Yasser Arafat was unable to negotiate a deal.
Clinton gave them the two-state solution.
He gave them all of this fun shit.
And Yasser Arafat said, Yasser Arafat said, I can't do it.
I got to go.
He's gay, by the way.
Was gay.
Because if he had said yes to any deal at all, he'd be killed.
In other words, Palestine can't negotiate because their goal is to be the pit bulls, the attack dogs, always at the border of Israel, always attacking.
Saudi Arabia has plenty of room for all of Palestine.
They got air-conditioned tents.
They could take them all in.
That's not the goal.
So you don't just have, it's not like there's a black person on your bus.
This is a blood or a crip, a different type of black person.
It's a gang member.
Palestine is a gang.
And the way Israelis just fucking invite this abuse, it just reminds me of the white ethnomasochism.
Like you read Heratz, the Jewish liberal paper in Tel Aviv, and you'd think you were reading Antifa.
They actually have Antifa writing for them.
Like they're anti-Israeli.
Okay, let's take down the borders then.
Let's see how long you fucking last.
All right.
Oh, this is a good bookend.
Real Skins and Hitler Youth on TV.
Now, people my age are very familiar with this, but this guy goes, Gavin Ryan, this is what real Nazi and Skinnens used to look like and how they sounded.
How dare they compare proud boys and just about anyone who refuses to castrate themselves?
Living a life that denies self-loathing, guilt, for ancestral greatness, and excuses bad behavior because of race.
Second point, TV used to be fucking tits.
And it's Geraldo.
Slit the throat of a young Hispanic woman.
They wanted to make a point and to scare minority people.
Do you endorse that activity?
Listen.
Let's get to the real issues here.
Why are you Kirby?
Why are you beating around the bush, Jerry?
Look at Jerry King.
That was your former name, wasn't it?
It wasn't, and I really recommend that you don't push me too hard.
Oh, come on, Julie.
Hey, who is it?
Isn't that weird right there?
He's getting physical, and he's the good guy.
Yes, I know people that went to school on Long Island with Geraldo.
He was Jerry.
He became Geraldo when it became cool, but he was always Jerry.
Jerry King.
So the guy pointed that out, and he's not taking his bait.
What is with the immigrant couple holding a baby next to them?
That was dumb.
Okay.
Let's take a break.
We'll be right back.
Check up to the first part.
I want to get that straight, first of all.
You guys don't really fit in.
You're not in our agenda.
We don't want to fit.
That's what I'm saying.
So we don't feel like we're going to hurt you.
We don't care.
We don't care.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
What about Joseph Stalin?
We can't put the supposed $6 million on Adolf Hitler, man, because Joseph Stalin.
You can't?
JFK.
You can't.
The Holocaust.
Did it happen, Bob Hike?
Does it matter?
How many people?
Does it matter?
To the 30 million people.
Does it matter?
He says it doesn't matter.
He says the Holocaust.
When I was a kid, there was Nazis, like swastikas.
They talked about the Holocaust.
Today, they throw around the word meaning you don't want too much welfare.
You Nazi.
Oh, I got a new one.
Imagine saying January 6th was worse than the Holocaust.
How many heads explode for what different reasons there?
Yeah, that would be funny.
If you said it super seriously, because you hate Jan Sick?
It was better than the Holocaust.
It was better.
All Kamala Harris had to do was say, there's certain dates we remember.
September 11th, the Holocaust.
That's right.
Pearl Harbor.
If she just sandwiched it in there.
Or you do a tribute where it's like, Pearl Harbor, this many dead.
9-11, 3,000 dead.
Holocaust, 6 million dead.
And then fucking January 6th, and it's like three?
Three.
Should we be frightened by his appalling ignorance?
Or should we be angered?
30 million.
Shut up, man.
Or should we be angered?
Shut up.
Okay, Michael, what's your education?
I graduated from high school, and I'm a layout and design artist.
A land design artist?
Layout and design.
Layout and design.
And an ex-con.
Are you an ex-con, also?
An ex-con?
Yes, you are, Michael.
Why don't you tell them the truth?
You don't let anybody answer a question, and if you don't have a question like this lady over here, you tell her to shut up.
What are you afraid of?
Because I get sick and tired of hearing the sob stories from kikes.
I get sick and tired of seeing Uncle Tom here.
She was saying that.
She grew up in the hood.
Come on, now.
Now that's how guys talk to one another.
So, yeah, good point, reader.
This is what Nazis were like.
Fuck.
And the second point, TV did used to be way badass, sir.
Yeah.
And did you notice it was the lefties that were instigating all the violence and touching him and telling him to shut up?
Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and defend Nazi skinheads.
Correct.
Let's get to the final vid.
So I'm not sure who invented you can't park here.
I assumed it was Grindface, but here we have someone in Britain saying it to a guy who really fucked himself by driving away too fast.
What is that, a Ferrari, a Porsche?
You can't park that there, mate.
Fuck off.
Let's see that again.
You can't park that there, mate.
Fuck off.
One more for a good measure.
Oh, yes.
Everything has to happen in threes.
You can't part that there, mate.
Fuck off!
So, yeah, fun show.
Our culture is pretty disappointing sometimes when you look at 90-day fiancé and shit documentaries and this terrible fucking grammar everywhere and people celebrating not having kids and Jews shitting on Israel because it's fashionable and they only care about winning and not preserving their own religion.
But we're going to keep fighting because that's what we do here.
And we're going to fix this problem.
You know, I was watching the Salad Days documentary about the DC hardcore scene and I'm like, Ian Mackay busted his ass.
He created a scene, gave it a record label, documented it, and changed people's lives.
I created vice, hipsters, prowboys, You can make stuff, you can have an impact.
So let's do that.
Let's save Western civilization from itself.
And I think the top priority of that is to destroy all this self-hatred.
You know, the amazing thing about the West is that it eschewed racial identity and racial politics.
And it said, work hard and we're all one.
And now they're calling it racist.
Now they're calling us domestic terrorists.
War.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
I'm in the battery.
The board gets off.
You remember the moment I was going to back up.
And I'm going to go to the bathroom.
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