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Jan. 7, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:22:08
S04E72 - GIRL TALK
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Time Text
My bitch a choose it lover, never fuck without a rubber.
Never in the sheets like it on top of the cover.
Money on the dresser, drive a compressor.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McKinnon.
Fucking up the game, get your kids, no love.
GB comes country, give it all that you got.
My dives wanna pop a bullet, been off the line.
Smashed up the gray one, ball me a red.
Every time we hit the parking lot, we turn head.
Some hoes wanna choose, but you bitches too scary.
Your bitch chose me, you ain't a pimp, you a fairy.
Now walk it out, walk it out.
Now walk it out, walk it out.
Now walk it out, walk it out.
Now walk it out, walk it out.
Now west I walk, that west out.
Now shout out walk, east side, walk it out.
Now hit the dance flow.
Hey, be your back, yo.
She do it with no hands.
Now stop popping, rollin'.
A smoking bubble hoe.
Yeah, they your trouble hoe.
I like the way she looks.
Hey guys, welcome to Girl Talk.
It's Censor TV's first girl-based show.
I have my girl Ryan here.
She's looking gorgeous.
Girl, you are looking way better.
Don't even.
Oh, I'm out of shape.
You basically just say that to make me feel better.
I don't feel cute in this fit at all.
You're cute.
Are you kidding me?
Really?
Yes.
I don't feel cute.
You look so cute.
Oh, my tits look like shit.
You're what?
My tits look like shit.
Your tits are insane.
They're perfect.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
I would kill.
I might kill you for your tits and chop off your tits and put them on my tits.
You're so nice.
That's what I like about you, but you're also feisty.
This weekend at the bar, you were like, no, no, you're ugly.
No.
I was like, oh, my God, she's on a tear.
I was like, this is crazy.
Yeah, I was not having that.
That bitch was a hoe.
She was kind of a hoe.
She stuck ahead and bust a cap in her ass.
I think you did.
I shot that bitch.
Yeah.
I was so fucking wasted on Mamitos.
I'm not going to tell anybody.
Mojitos, I mean?
Girl, we have secret souls.
For life.
Forever.
Forever.
Swearsies.
Forever swearsies.
Forever.
Souf.
My eyelashes are already dead.
I'm such a stupid whore.
You don't even need them, though.
Like, yours are, like, naturally pretty great.
Like, mine look like garbage.
I'm pretty much shit.
You look like a super model.
Shut up.
I hate when you talk like that because it's insulting to ugly, fat bitches like me.
I guess you're right.
Well, not you, but like other bitches.
No, you're an 11.
I'm gay for you.
Like, I want to eat your pussy right now.
You're like a 19.
You're like a billion.
Not again.
Remember that night at Teds?
It was like so fucking trapped.
Jesus Christ.
That opening song was, of course, Girl Talk.
We have a fun show for you today.
All girl stuff all the time.
The whole show is Girl Talk.
All of it.
But you can't call in, unfortunately.
No.
You know, I was going to do this fun song by this super hot, hunky guy named Tom Cardi.
This was going to be the opening song, but we had to play Girl Talk on Girl Talk.
The opening guy was Girl Talk.
I think he's from Philly.
Tom Cardi?
What is he like the male Cardi B?
That's my kind of guy.
My roommate comes into the room looking for his car keys.
I don't say it yet.
Might dance again.
And when he gets me off the couch to check underneath the couch cushions, I don't say it yet.
And then when he says out loud, I wonder where my car keys are.
I still don't say it.
But the funniest thing to say is someone who's not a kid and is stressed out disabled.
When I say the best man, start to sweat.
If there's any guys out there watching right now, that's the kind of guy we like.
Talented, funny.
I love humor more than anything.
More than looks.
Be fun.
Just be fun.
Or a super boring guy.
Like, that's kind of fun too.
Because you can just do whatever you want with him.
I love it when guys...
I was on a dating site last night, as usual.
And there's so many guys who on their profile, they have fish.
Because I guess it's a picture they like.
And it's like dick pics, fish pics.
We don't care.
Stop sending those.
We literally care.
Girls don't want to see your dick, okay?
Stop sending us dick pics.
It always looks so gross.
Like, I'm into boners when I'm super horny, but just like when I'm with my mom at Starbucks and there's a giant boner on my phone, I'm like, ew.
It looks like a worm.
It does.
You have to be super horny.
It's like cum.
Like, I could swallow if I'm in the throes of passion, but if someone was like, oh, hi, are you enjoying that pineapple?
Just try this glass of cum.
I'd be like, I'm going to bar right now.
Yeah.
Even if you put one drop, I would just like know it's there.
I'd go.
I'd puke.
I'd spit, puke, maybe even fart.
It's funny, too, because the other day I licked a guy's ass.
Oh, that's like not a big deal.
I know, but I thought I'm so picky with eating.
Right, that's true.
And then here I am, like, tonguing a guy.
Wow.
Jack Murphy.
Like, really well.
Show those fish pics, though.
Yes.
This is insane.
Show us your fish.
Oh, you went fishing.
Fun.
I care.
This is one of the better fish.
Fish that I've seen.
It's long, it's shiny.
It's translucent.
It looks like a precious gem.
I really like your fish.
This one looks funny.
I don't think it was a flowering picture of you or of your fish.
I wish you would have chosen a different angle.
I hate this fish.
This is the worst fish I've ever seen.
I hate your fish so much.
Too small of a fish.
You got two fish, so that's pretty cool.
I wish you didn't look like that.
So scared, but good job for two fish.
This one confuses me because the body of water where you got the fish is not visible.
So I'm mostly just confused, but it is a nice fish.
I like this fish a lot.
Very long, very slender.
Her voice, I can't.
How do you do that?
I seriously cannot right now.
I think like that.
Do you like muscle guys?
Me?
Yeah.
Yeah, I have lots of guys.
Because that last guy was super muscly.
He was pretty muscly.
I say I don't like it, but then when I have it, I'm like, yum.
Sometimes I go to the gym just to like barely do like lat pull downs and then like wear yoga pants and then like I'll leave without breaking a sweat and just be on my phone taking pictures of myself without shame.
You know what I just realized?
Yes.
I say I like, I hate muscular guys and I don't care about your fish and I hate normies and I like funny nerds.
But when it comes to getting fucked, I actually like the guys with the fish and the muscles.
Yeah, the nerdy guys.
And the funny guy can go fuck himself.
The nerdy guy who like has a friend who can get you in the like loco is like.
You know what's weird is those guys are more rapey than like muscular guys.
Yeah.
Like in movies, all the bad rape guys are jocks that are super muscular, but in real life, it's like the beta males that fuck you when you're passed out drunk.
Because those little guys have to like take what they can get.
Yeah.
And they're like scavengers.
They're like, well, I'm a here, so it's like.
Yeah, the guy in the football team, he can just fucking fuck me whenever he wants to.
True.
Sometimes he's just like...
My huge fat pussy.
I have a fat pussy too, so so.
What do you got there?
I don't know.
Something's in my...
Is it grody, gross, or sick?
It's like a weird barrette.
Anyway, were you done with the fish, lady?
I think so.
Oh, no.
You know what that sound is.
Uh-oh, a hego face.
That was fun.
This happens to me all the time, and I thought it was such a great example of the bummer of internet dating.
When you come across your ex.
Ew.
I hate when I'm drunk and my phone is in my hand and I accidentally come across.
I'm like, please take me back.
Oh, you know what the worst is?
You're looking at your ex's inside.
Oh, you are the worst.
Did you do that?
One time I got a text from my ex and he was like, I miss you too.
And I was like, what the fuck is he talking about?
And then I looked up and I texted him that when I was shithed.
Oh, no.
And I was like, ew, I'm such a slut.
Ew.
Literally same.
You know what the worst is when you're lurking on their Instagram page and you accidentally hit the heart.
You're like, ew, what did I just do?
Oh, no, no, no.
And you want to erase it so bad?
Yeah, I want to erase myself.
I wish myself was erase.
I would have to text you like, glad you like the pitch.
Yeah, double taps it, daps back.
Anyway, look at this chick discovering her ex.
Turn it up.
Awkward moment when you find your man on Tinder.
And he likes movies.
He falls asleep whenever he watches one.
Tattoos, he has two.
Traveling, he's like has social anxiety, so he doesn't do that.
Reading, he can't even spell.
Sports, I've never seen him watch.
You don't need to spell to read, though, to be fair.
A game in my life.
Smoke buddy.
Weird.
Liar, Tez is a liar.
You can kind of tell she's fat, right?
And it's not just because that guy's black.
And he likes movies.
She's kind of fat, right?
Whenever he watches one of those things.
Yes.
That's a fat thumb.
Sorry, girl.
She's fat.
Hit the gym, do the pulldowns, do nothing but take pictures of yourself.
That's why your man isn't faithful to you because you're a fat bitch.
I could totally get with that guy.
Girl, stop being so fat.
Speaking of fat bitches, that girl who is weirdly hot from 90 Day Fiancé, the Texan who has all kinds of diseases, who thinks she's a lesbian.
She's got some immune efficiency, deficiency thing.
She was making like $100,000 selling farts, which I would do in a heartbeat, girl.
It's clearly fake.
Big brain move.
You know what you do?
You take fart spray, just go use up the whole thing.
The whole sprayer.
I mean, you could do 10,000 jars with one can.
Yeah, I think those are pretty cheap.
I mean, how often do you have a stinky fart?
I have a stinky fart like once every four days.
Well, I eat at Fogo de Chow a lot.
You have what?
COVID?
I eat at Fogo de Chow a lot.
Oh, so it's like Fogo de Blau at my ass.
90 Day Fiancé star retires from selling farts after a heart attack scare.
Who?
Oh.
So she was, you know, like lightning in a bottle, people say?
She had fart lightning in a bottle.
Let's hear her explain it.
I'm totally at for this, by the way, girls.
Get it.
Get your money.
We both have OnlyFans.
Definitely get your money.
And go to our OnlyFans if you want to see us put stuff up our ass, like cucumber.
And vaginers, too.
And vagina.
We'll blow like a parrot.
I'll eat a lollipop two hours until I get like the money coming in.
I was blowing a carrot for one client and it made me puke.
Oh, really?
Anyway, let's get back to the news.
Yes.
Farts.
Excuse us.
$1,000 in one week selling my jars of farts.
$50,000 in a bar.
And ever since my last TikTok went farmers, I've been asking a lot of questions such as, how long do the farts last?
Did I really fart 97 times in two days?
Who buys my farts and why?
And what are some of my tips and tricks?
So the first question I get asked a Lot is how long do the farts last?
And the smell is most prominent for the first two days, but as I like to say, one whiff makes memories that last a lifetime.
Now, why do people buy my farts in a jar?
I honestly think it's because I have a really good personality and also because I'm hot.
Now, what are some of my fart selling tips and tricks?
Number one, don't eat fiber one bars.
You might think it's the easy way out, but there is nothing easy about it on its way.
Do you remember her?
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, she's.
Don't push yourself too hard.
She was the one who went to Australia with that ugly lesbian who was a fat bitch and she didn't put out.
I know.
She was nice.
She was...
That girl there isn't a lesbian.
She just wanted to be on TV and she wasted that poor dyke's time.
Sad.
I would never.
Push yourself too hard.
Yep, Kapoo will come out.
Too hard, literally and figuratively.
Just have fun and don't let people judge you or get you down.
It's a business.
You're making money and it's not hurting anyone.
You know what?
We should do a green screen.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to walk over there.
You play girl talk or whatever.
Sure, sure.
And we'll, because I don't know if this is 90 Day Fiancé, but this is a TLC show where it guides into a super hot midget.
Oh, sick.
And it's like, no.
Like online, if you guys are just like, I'm diddling my bean to you on like a sex chat, a super chat, a chatster bait, then maybe.
But like, I'm sorry.
I'm not a snob, but you can't date a girl.
Yeah, bye.
A hot midget.
Sorry.
You say bye to them, you say bye.
Yeah, like we work so hard getting many petties, and then you're, you have club feet.
No.
No.
You know we popping champagne.
Okay, so this is a guy who likes a hot chick who's only hot here.
Let's roll the tape.
What's the show?
Next Russian model.
Turn it up.
Turn it up.
I can't hear shit.
So we're going to meet in Turkey and spend two weeks together.
I miss you.
Can't wait to hold you and hut you.
So be prepared, okay?
Alina and I have a deep emotional connection, which makes it easy to look past, well, what other people would say is a massive difference between us.
Okay, what's the difference?
She's a Pisces.
You're Sagittarius?
That is pretty big.
Or is she brutally deformed?
Very pretty girl.
Nose is kind of big.
Oh my god.
That's right.
But she has to shit?
Is she squatting?
That's her.
Like, super hot.
Great tits.
But sorry, no.
Those little duck feet?
Yes.
Those are literally Scrooge McDuck's toes.
And her hands are fucked up too.
I'm Alina.
I'm 27 years old and I'm from St. Petersburg, Russia.
I'm a pretty active, energetic, and fun person.
Recently, I got very interested in burlesque because it shows that in different bodies, you can feel it.
That's like stripping for fat girls.
Still feel beautiful.
Not you.
Burlesque.
Can you turn it up?
I can't hear anything.
My condition is called diastrophic dysplasia.
It's a form of dwarfism.
It's rare and it affects everybody differently.
For a child to be born with this type of dwarfism, both parents have to be carriers of the gene.
It can affect your joints.
Okay, wait a second.
Stop.
So if her mother and her father are both dwarfs, is it ethical that they made a baby?
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying yes or no.
Oh my God, I got to send you this thing.
You know the retard test they do when you're pregnant?
Yes.
It's wrong like I want to say 20% of the time.
That's a lot.
Yeah.
Remember our friend whose baby was going to be retarded and he was all freaked out about it and he said, I'm pro-life, but this is really putting me to the test.
And we said, you got to keep it.
You know who I'm talking about?
Yeah.
And then she comes out and she's perfectly normal.
He almost killed that baby.
Scary.
So how many tens of thousands of dead babies are there murdered because someone thought they might be retarded, but they weren't?
Like, that's a fucking horror movie.
But it's also like all the abortions I've got, like, like, probably a lot of them were retarded.
Or probably a lot of them weren't.
I know a lot of them looked like they were retarded because you're Asian.
And also my exes are dumb.
And you're a stupid bitch, too, if you're honest with yourself.
Come on, girl.
We're both jitzes.
When did we last read a book?
Like, never o'clock?
Never a go o'clock.
Oh, this is 90 Day Fiancé 2.
Oh.
So here's the deal, guys.
If you want to get a mail-order bride, you can get a super fucking hot one that's way out of your league.
You don't need Scrooge McDuck feet.
But it helps.
Speaking of feet, I'm having a bit of trouble standing this long.
So what does she get?
Does she get a go-girl or a um no?
Sorry, no.
Like, I'm just being honest.
If I was there with her, I'd be like, you go, girl, you look so beautiful.
Oh my God, I'm dying.
I wish I had funny toes.
But just us girls shooting the shit, I'm puking right now.
I'm going with a sorry bitch.
Yeah.
Boy, this guy really loves blowjobs.
Your joints and, of course, your stature.
My stature is fine.
It's not that you're short, you're deformed.
Look pretty different, too.
So this guy just loves blowjobs and tit fucking and doesn't care about anything else.
I try to do everything, really.
I also have a band called BFF Band.
Best Friends Forever.
Oh, a band.
Which consists of my friends Asia and Elijah, my friend who I live with.
My pussy got vibe that she said?
My pussy got Wi-Fi?
We call it Pink Tooth.
I guess in Russia, like having Wi-Fi is crazy.
Those two friends are in for like the longest make-a-wish ever.
They're like, are we done?
Look at her.
She's super hot.
But there's life outside of, what do they call it?
The metaverse?
Yeah.
Like, I'm sure on chats, I'm sure on Zoom, you're spilling barrels full of jizz.
But in reality, I don't think the guys could get it up.
Yeah.
Like, audition for Howard the Duck for sure, but like.
He's Howard the Duck's hot girlfriend.
Okay, so anyway, we got more videos of this.
They meet.
Oh my god, my feet.
Girl.
That's why we're so angry all the time because we literally have to wear the worst things ever.
Like we literally are suffering to be hot for you.
So you better appreciate this, boys.
What's up, bro?
Dude, thanks so much for the run.
One last chance to talk him out of this.
Yeah, we're going to the airport.
So, you know what you're in for in Turkey?
Dude, I'm sure we'll hit it off.
We've got to.
You know, we've talked for so long.
Yeah.
The only thing would be if it's just weird in person.
I think it's crazy.
It's wild that he's going to go travel so far just to meet this girl.
He looks like a rapper guy.
I think it's crazy.
It's wild that he's going to go.
You know the guy with curly hair?
Pass Malone.
Not Post Malone, the other guy.
Sheesh.
I know literally every rapper, but I can only think of Matt and him one day.
Anyway, travel so far just to meet this girl.
I feel like it might not work out too well as Alina and him are very different when it comes to physical compatibility.
That's one way.
But I feel like Caleb's expectations are pretty high.
He seems real committed to it, so hopefully it doesn't come around and vitamins.
You know, the owner of this company censored Gavin McInnes, he went on a date with a girl that misled him and didn't mention the fact that she had Grover legs.
Asian girl.
Guilty.
She ended up taking her shirt off, sticking her phone in her bra, and saying blowjobs are really easy.
I thought I was bad for lying, like taking 20 pounds off of my weight on my profile.
She took, she was like 40 pounds lighter than I thought because her legs were strings.
I mean, then he thought, then Gavin thought.
I'm not Gavin, I'm a girl.
Right.
I'm a lady.
I'm a lady.
My pronouns are she, her, herself, hers.
I'm Julie, they, them, and I'm Kim.
She, her.
Uh, no.
Sorry.
Deal breaker.
Like, it's one thing to be open-minded and to date a girl with, like, a giant birthmark.
That's kind of cool.
Or an albino, or the one they have that cow skin, you know, where they're all patchy.
Yeah, like every gap model that nowadays?
Yeah.
That's kind of open-minded of you.
This isn't open-minded.
This is like a bizarre fetish.
It's true.
So nervous sometimes that I think I'm gonna throw up.
Like, I don't know.
You know, when guys fall for you doing the duck face, wait till you see duck body.
But also happy.
Like, what if the girl was totally normal, but she just had one hand like that?
You'd still go, oh, fuck.
This is two arms, two legs, two feet, two hands.
Sorry.
This is like that girl that still looks like she's eight.
Sorry, you're undateable.
If someone's attracted to you, you should be bummed out and be like, oh, great, a pervert.
That's the situation you're in.
This is your only kick at the can, by the way.
You're not going to have anyone else.
It sounds like such a bitch.
I'm sorry.
I'm just being real with you.
Right?
This show, Girl Talk, let me explain.
Girl Talk, we talk to you the way we talk when we're alone.
And I'm sorry, when women are alone, we're bitches.
Mm-hmm.
So true.
Yes, 100%.
Go girl, Slay Queen.
Yes, Queen.
Are you ready?
Taking a shot at Happily Ever After with Alina.
He looks like Josh Lacache.
A little bit.
Taking a shot at Happily Ever After with Alina.
It's a little nerve-wracking, but I see the potential of what Alina and I can be and how great a person she is.
Sorry.
No.
Bye.
Bye.
Inside, my heart is beating fast.
Oh, the delusion is painful.
The heartbeating fasting might be some sort of symptom of the overall.
Well, do you kind of get the vibe that this is it?
Like, how many guys...
He's hot.
I mean, it's not my type, but he's like a 7.8.
She's like a 1.
So how many times is a 1 gonna get a 7.8?
You know, it's kind of like Shark Tank, where like this is her like.
She's gonna get way more dates.
This is it.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah.
But also, like Shark Tank, you have one chance, and then if the sharks say no, you gotta go.
It'd be cool if it was like a dating show, but it was Shark Tank, and she stood in front of all the guys, and they were like, I'm out.
And she's like trying to pitch herself, but they're like, Yeah, I'm not in.
I'm out.
Huge spectrum of emotions.
Tuna tank.
That's the way it is in modeling.
Like I modeled a little bit when I was younger.
And you go up there, it's some gay dude, and he looks at you and he goes, too fat, bye.
And you have to like take your book and turn around.
Or he'll be like, your eyes are way too far apart.
Or when I was modeling, the thing in New York was like super skinny, Russian, and your eyes had to be like a hammerhead shark.
You had to look like the monster chick from Splice.
And everyone else was like, no.
And I've got a bit of a booty.
And that was not popular back then.
This is the early aughts.
They don't want booty.
They want Russian.
They want alien face.
Anyway, keep going.
I don't want Caleb to see me just as a little person.
I'm more than that.
And I feel that Caleb and I. So I hope this is the beginning of something amazing and unforgettable for both of us.
Where does she get shoes?
It's happening.
Here we go.
You fucked up, dude.
I've been dreaming about this moment.
There's 3.5 billion women in the world.
You chose one of the worst.
You know, it'd be sad if she doesn't put out right away?
And then he's like, well, what the f- I mean, like, there's nothing here.
It's like she got in the transporter pod from the fly, and there was a tadpole in there.
She's a gollywog.
That doesn't make sense, but it sounds good.
Instead of the fly too.
Look at that guy.
See, that makes a lot more sense.
He's like an ugly Jewish guy, and he couldn't get anyone like me here.
So you go to like Colombia, and you do pretty good.
This makes sense.
But having Josh LaCash go to fucking Russia for a one?
Hello?
I'm sure there's tons of hot Russian chicks going.
What about me?
I'll suck you.
Okay, so this is them meeting.
Oh, let's do a hi.
Yuck.
And then they have the mask.
That's her only good feature.
And she has to hide it while her tits help.
Great.
I would kill for those tits, P.S. Oh, hi.
I didn't know you were a midget.
You look different than the Zoom calls.
I didn't recognize you.
Hi.
Hi, I'm still gonna hug you.
Awkward cringe.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
This is really embarrassing, you guys.
I can't believe you're real.
The level of pretending that we're all capable of, it's just...
It's like when we pretended Alec Weck was a supermodel.
I'll talk eye to eye.
Okay.
Eye to eye.
Eye to eye.
I can't hear shit.
Show me your face.
So make sure it's really you.
Hi.
It's really you.
It's really me.
Check this out.
Let's see your face.
He's scared.
Don't be.
Hold on.
Don't be.
You've already seen the worst.
Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, you look great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Listen.
It's kind of surreal seeing you in person.
I mean, I've known you for a long time.
I think you look great, but you're smaller than I thought.
Imagine, like, the worst thing you could say to me if we met on Zoom or whatever they were on, some chat, and you went, oh, you're fatter than I thought you'd be.
If I'm a midget and you say, you're shorter than I thought, I'm like, I'm three feet tall.
Ouch.
Oh.
Is it weird for you?
It's different.
Yeah.
It sucks.
I just thought of something for the first time.
Maybe he's like the biggest imbecile in America.
Like the stupidest guy we have.
And his brain is so shitty at its job that he was like, yeah, I guess she's a midget, but she's so pretty in the tits.
And the midget thing, I don't really care because I don't see it on the screen.
And then it's in real life, it finally hits him.
Oh, shit.
Your head and your tits are not 100% of your body.
And everything that can go wrong with the rest of it has gone wrong.
Do you feel weird pushing me?
I feel tired.
My left arm is about to die.
I can give you complaints.
And we've been together for one minute.
It's like, I can't go upstairs, you fuck.
Okay, so stop complaining about your fucking arm.
Wow, you're really small, and it's really tiring carrying your shit around.
Yeah, I can't get in the bathroom.
That's kind of the deal.
You probably could have figured this out if you just sat in a chair and thought about it for two seconds.
Eating French fries is hard for me because I have low dexterity.
So, but yeah, go you go ahead.
About you?
Can you learn to be a leathersmith and maybe make me gloves and shoes?
Yeah, you can push me around.
Just pull that anywhere.
Did he just like make a joke?
Just put that anywhere like as if she can move it.
Just pull that anywhere.
I don't get his joke.
But you're gonna do this a lot.
He's in a bad mood.
Yeah.
During this couple of weeks.
You got it.
I feel a bit bad.
Stuff falls down.
My wheelchair is spinning.
And I'm just thinking, oh my god, maybe he's gonna think that it's always gonna be so difficult and hard with me and my wheelchair.
This is not the best first impression.
Okay, hold on.
So, look.
Wait a minute, you can walk?
Why the fuck was I pushing down?
Like that?
Yeah, yeah, kind of.
And then it goes in the back?
Yeah.
No, it goes in the driver's seat.
Can you?
See, he's an idiot.
Then it goes in the back.
No, no.
Now we just put it in our mouth like a squirrel.
Did he pick it up all high to look strong?
Can you?
Like, you don't need to lift it that high.
Yeah.
He's like an eight-year-old with Down syndrome.
I'm strong.
And in the past, online, it's mainly just her waist up.
So it's really jarring to see her in comparison to my own size.
Easy.
So talented.
Come on.
But I feel like I just need some time to adjust to being with a little person.
And then Chemerstry will fly back.
Fly back.
Did you hear that?
That was way worse than I thought it would be, guys.
That was a Freudian slip.
Play the song.
Oops.
I know girl talk is kind of tacky and we're supposed to like Drake and Kanye or whatever, but can I confess something to you guys?
When I'm skiing or snowboarding or whatever, I listen to girl talk.
I'm sorry.
It just gets you so pumped.
It's fine.
It's like, it's fun.
Okay, that was a great time.
Ah, God, this hair is really takes some getting used to.
But I've had it for years, so I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm being crazy, you guys.
I'm being crazy again.
Crazy bitches.
You're acting like a tall guy with poor judgment online who has just seen his woman and your hair is a midget.
My arm's tired pushing you around.
You're way fucking smaller than I thought, and that's already pretty small.
And then three, there's no chemistry.
Let's hope I get used to you and it flows back because it's gonzo.
Let's clear the palette with it.
So fun.
I thought this would be a fun time for us to...
Oh, no, wait, wait.
Couple news items first.
I thought this was funny.
We all know that Kamala Harris is an unlikable bitch, right?
And Hillary's a fucking whore.
To improve public perception, Kamala Harris taking likability lessons from Hillary Clinton was the joke, right?
Because even people who like Hillary don't really like Hillary.
Like I was talking to David Cross's wife.
What's her name again?
Amber Tamblin.
And I was like, she's a murderer.
This is back when my friends would speak to me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
It's okay.
Don't even go crying.
Who am I?
How do I know Amber?
Amber Tamblin?
Who am I?
Fuck them.
Am I Gavin's sister?
I don't even know anymore.
Literally F them in the V, actually.
Fuck them in the vagina?
Yeah.
Okay.
And she said, I said she's corrupt and blah, blah, blah.
And I understand you're a liberal, but how can you like her?
And she goes, they're all corrupt.
So even the ones who support her secretly hate her guts and wish she could be someone else.
And then their joke becomes reality.
Kamala Harris has told confidants she would get better press coverage if she was a white man and has turned to Hillary Clinton for advice.
You can't make jokes anymore.
Also in the news, let's go to LGBTQ, shall we?
Oh man, I can't wait to go to LGBTQ.
I'm gay, by the way.
I'm at least bi.
I think I'm bi.
Two drinks, two white claws in.
I'm super bi.
I kissed a girl before.
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
Yep.
I don't want to eat a pussy.
But like, I've fooled around with guys for a while.
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
And then we fell in love.
And then they eat their poo-poo.
And we have a very good relationship.
I don't like the fucking shit.
You don't want to see a close-up picture of my Ada because you ate damage.
You ugly.
Homophobe alert.
Isn't this the same chick who cut that beautiful girl's breasts off?
I think she poses with her subjects now.
And this is a woman who just had her penis removed.
And she has a new vagina manual.
I never got one of those.
I got one when I was born.
And it was all pictures because I couldn't read yet because I was a baby.
Cute.
Little baby me.
Imagine.
I got a manual for these things.
Oh, my God.
I actually need a vagina manual.
I don't even know what tampon I use.
What kind of flow are you?
I use maxi pads.
With wings?
Always with wings?
What are you, my grandmother?
We all use tampons.
Stupid bitch.
I use heavy flow tampons.
It looks like a white dildo.
I use steel wool.
Have you ever tried the cup?
What's the cup?
It's just a cup.
It's like a rubber cup.
You put it up your poon and then you just dump it out every four hours.
Never heard of it.
Never used it.
How come you don't know about women's reproductive options?
You're not educated as a feminist.
I just buy a lot of pants.
I'm just kidding, by the way.
I totally support you and I love you and you're perfect.
Literally, thank you so much.
You are so cute.
That is the cutest outfit I've ever seen.
Thank you.
Oh my God.
And I have a cute laugh, I've been told.
If I had a dick, I would chop it off just to have your tits.
If you had a dick, I would chop it off, suction cup it to my shower, and then do chatterbait stuff with it.
If you had a dick, I would blow you so hard that I'd puke, and then I'd lick up the puke.
No, I'd drink the puke first, so you wouldn't even have a chance.
Wow, you really like Me.
Yep, that's true.
Yeah, I think that's the same woman that was with that girl where she chopped off her boobies and she didn't include her nipples.
Remember her?
Yeah.
And she had the hourglass figure.
So I guess in the new vagina manual, they show you things like, oh my god, you got to find this YouTube video.
It's a guy showing you how to stretch out a pussy.
I mean, I'm going to...
Is it Jazz Jennings?
No, but you can see the vagina.
So it's a gynecologist, and there's a pussy right there, and it's a man-made pussy, and he's putting in the various dildos to, I don't know, stretch it out.
And it's legal on YouTube because it's not a real vagina, which if I was the girl, I'd be pissed off.
I'd be like, hey.
Yeah.
Get that out of here.
Go get my phone if you can't find it.
It's like I have to get your phone.
Yeah, go get my phone.
Wait, Hercules.
Wait, that might be it.
No, that's not it.
Ew!
Ew!
NSFW!
We should have warned you.
Sorry.
Where's your phone, bitch?
It's probably in my office in like my pants.
You look so good.
I wish people could see you.
You have a perfect body.
And you know what I love about you?
Usually girls with big tits, they look like an AirPod.
Look at my pants.
For some reason, there's jeans there that have my wallet and stuff in them.
I don't even have a wallet.
I have a clutch.
But often with girls with big, beautiful tits like yours, they look like AirPods.
They're all big and then there's no ass.
But you have a fucking perfect ass too.
My facial ID didn't work.
That's weird.
Here we go.
Dr. Gabriel Del Something Gross.
Just showing you the vagina and how awesome it is, you guys.
I'm just going to call this vagina and send it to you.
Paste, send.
And then I have another one that I mentioned earlier.
When they warn of rare disorders, and this is the New York Times about the retard test.
Oh, yeah.
Both of these come from one of our top baby monsters.
Isn't it weird that when people say big pharma and big tech, all I could think about is big Dharma and Big Greg?
Love it.
Love that.
They're so funny and gorgeous.
When they warn of rare disorders, these prenatal tests are usually wrong.
Some of the tests look for missing snippets of chromosomes.
For every 15 times they correctly find a problem, they are wrong 85 times.
Whoa, I was way off.
They're wrong 85% of the time.
85% of the time you have an abortion because you think it's going to be retarded.
It's not.
What the fuck?
Why is that not like the biggest story in the world?
Hundreds of thousands of dead babies.
Not only did we make Down syndrome people extinct and commit ethnocide, but some kind of genocide.
Abelism genocide.
Abel side.
Not only did we do that, but we killed hundreds of thousands of innocent babies.
Anyway, this is a bummer because I love abortion.
Check out the other thing.
Dr. Gabriel Del Coral vaginoplastery dilation instructional video.
Who needs to go to YouTube to see how to stretch out their vagina?
Didn't they get a new vagina manual?
Did you text that or email it?
Because I didn't get it in the email yet.
I emailed it, but I'll text it.
Technology idiots technology.
Well, the problem is we are hacked so much that our email has to go through like 9 billion things.
It goes to like outer space and then gets to us.
So there's been times when I've emailed you something from like four feet away and it takes like a day.
Anyway, check your text.
Okay.
This is about to be super insanely gross, you guys.
NSFW, you're going to bar.
We've had baby monsters saying, can you stop talking about trans?
They represent like a fraction of 1% of the population and they take up half your show.
That's a good point.
Note, heard.
Do not watch this if you're eating.
Enable the mentally ill to disfigure, deform, mutilate themselves.
Okay, wait, is there blood?
Nope.
Okay.
There's a vagina, though.
That's fine.
And here's the thing.
I meant to say this earlier.
I interrupted myself.
If I'm the woman there, I would go, uh-oh, my vagina is so vagina-y, you can't put it on YouTube because that's nudity.
And then YouTube's like, no, don't worry about it.
It's fine.
But it's my pussy.
We don't have us ladies don't have our pussies on YouTube.
And they go, oh, no, we do that for women.
And actual vaginas, not yours.
That's hurtful.
That's mean.
This is transphobic.
Look at all the dildos.
Now, I don't know if you're going to be dating a black man or Ryan Katsu Rivera, so we have huge variety here.
In order to go around the prostate, the large set comes in.
This is from LeBron James.
You need to bring Katsu.
And down here is the Gavin.
So you just care if you insult our boss.
Did you just fart?
No, it's my heels.
Oh, I don't fart, bitch.
Not unless someone's spending $1,000 per jar.
Not unless it's in a bell jar.
Money.
Maybe wipes, or in this case, we have chlorohexane wipes to clean the area post-dilation.
So now, to be able to perform...
Wait a minute.
If you're the doctor that does this, shouldn't you be more advanced than having to YouTube it?
You know what I mean?
Who's watching this?
Oh, yeah.
Dilation.
We gotta make sure that you position yourself.
You're gonna lie in your back.
Wait, get rid of me.
Okay.
Full barf coming up.
Here we go.
I could just scoot.
Let's go full barf.
Okay.
Now, here's the thing.
Those are Gavin's dad's legs.
And even the socks, girls, we don't wear socks like that.
Those are guys who have like their athletic, you know, pro-bicycle socks.
Yeah.
We wear cute socks.
Yes.
Not functional.
Right.
This patient in, you want to make sure that you bend your knees and use two pillars to flex your knees and give you some comfort.
Remember that the dilation is really both a physical and a mind.
And you know another huge problem with this whole concept?
Guys' penises are here and they go straight out.
They're like, they're right below your belly button.
Here's a guy's belly button.
Here's a guy's the top of a guy's dick.
Belly button dick.
A vagina is way down here by the butthole.
Yep.
I'll measure it right now.
One, two, three.
It's like three or four inches lower than the penis.
So you've got this vagina stuck in the middle of your body.
That's not where they go.
And not going to lie, no offense, but they put it upside down.
Hey guys, you cannot be us.
We are women.
Hear us roar.
Let's roar, Ryan.
I am woman.
Hear me.
I'm a woman.
Hear me.
We're like Venom when we get mad.
I'm like Johnny Mai.
I get like really Johnny Miranda-y when I when I yell.
Yeah, I'm like Lynn Manuel Miranda when I'm mad.
I'm like, I ain't gonna take my shot.
Shot.
That's right.
The Constitution and Mushin and Fafa Vushin and Lushen.
Then he like drives off.
Yeah.
I'll just show the film.
I couldn't tell if you're doing in the heights or what.
Yeah.
Set to be able to be ready for this.
Some patients refer that using some music can help relax the future dilation.
You should be fired.
You should go to jail.
Shouldn't you go to jail?
Yeah.
What if I make a hole in a person and then use a bunch of plastic tools to keep the wound from healing?
I'd go to jail.
God!
And you want to use a lubricant jelly, you got to make sure that you wash each dilator with warm soap and water.
This can also help assist during the dilation.
All right, that's enough.
We're all going to puke.
You know what I found out that I could watch the other day that's like surprisingly like not gross?
What?
Is cataract surgery?
No, no, stop, stop, stop.
I hate that.
I really.
That's not funny.
You just found my curved turret.
I can't believe I found your curved night.
No, they showed that in high school once, and I fainted.
I fell backwards on my chair.
Girl, that was such a real reaction.
You slay queen.
Yeah, please.
Does that bother normal people?
I don't care.
I actually still think I might puke.
Okay, sorry.
My stomach is like butterflies right here.
Here, we'll cleanse the palate with that surgery thing.
There we go.
I just find that funny.
Right.
But eye surgery, sorry.
I can't even think about it.
Yeah, I always thought that that would bother me, but like I watched the whole thing and it's like almost like a pimple popper video.
I love popping pimples.
Mrs. Woo is that Dr. Pill Popper?
She's a saint.
Pill Popper.
Dr. Pill Popper.
That's what I would be.
I want my own TLC show where I just do like Zan bars.
Hi, I'm Dr. Pill Popper.
I'm wasted again.
You fell asleep again with that tool in your hand.
Yeah, I was sleeping.
I'm good.
Okay, last LGBT.
Here's a new one.
We're kind of fun.
We're kind of conservative.
You noticed?
We're pro-life.
We're anti-trans.
I guess we're TERFs.
We're trans-exclusionary radical feminist bitches.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Go to the next one.
We went through surgery to become dads.
Okay, I guess.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.
What?
And getting help changed my life.
How can you be postnatal if you were never Nate?
You got a Nate to be natal.
What a couple of faggots.
Morley post-nodel.
What is with that guy's face, too?
He looks like he has a mask on.
He looks like he used to be the bassist in an emo band, but this is him without the makeup.
He looks like he hasn't had a nap in 300 years.
He looks like a writer from the 1700s that they dressed up in modern day clothing.
And then his friend just looks like that cartoon from Disney, who's like a fun monkey.
Fun monkey, fun monkey.
Happy monkey drawing.
Drawing a blank.
Or maybe he looks like the guy that Sasha Baron Cohen did the voice for, who's Indian?
Borat.
Yeah, but he's an animal.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he has that song that they do.
Still drawing a blank, but yeah, I know who you're talking about.
You know who I mean?
Yes.
Just look up, but now we got to see him.
Sasha Baron Cohen did the voice for.
And then it's, I'm warning you, the song's going to be stuck in our head for like a million years.
Was it like a pets movie or like the zoo?
Yeah, it was like a zoo.
It was Madagascar.
Madagascar.
Madagascar.
You know, if we were like Harley Joseph Watson, we would have a map behind us and we could just find Madagascar.
Okay.
That's him in the top right.
Okay, top right.
Top left, I mean.
Top left.
That's him.
He's the ferret guy.
Yeah.
Any water?
No, just more diamonds and gold.
Get it?
Listen up.
I will help you.
There's only one way to get your precious water.
I...
Wait, isn't that racist now?
That doesn't sound like him at all.
It is.
Your beloved King Julian must simply make a small sacrifice to my good friends, the water gods, in the volcano!
Um, wait a minute, that's racist, Right?
I guess it's not an Indian, though.
But the guy from The Simpsons, thanks to that talentless Indian comedian from Queens, Apu Naracha or whatever, he got that guy fired from The Simpsons, and now they have to have an Indian do the Indian voice.
This is a white guy doing an Indian voice.
I can't keep up with their fucking stupid rules.
All right.
Let's check out.
What should we do?
Let's check out some poetry.
Oh, cool.
This chick is really, really good.
It's right above gals just being gals.
Gotcha.
We'll get to that next.
Lots of fun stuff at girl talk.
Lots of fun shit.
Austin.
Is that, is she cupsy?
Threesomes are great!
By which I mean the idea of a threesome is great.
All of you and your limbs and heaving bodies and probably sweaty and yeah, that sounds great to have so many people in one better floor or public restroom.
But here I am in a Starbucks with a couple I met off okay Cupid and they don't really look like their picture or else do but but more human and for some reason that's terrifying.
So I begin dipping my hair into my coffee and squeezing it drop by drop into my mouth like a little hamster and both of them are watching me blink and feeding each other cookies and babbling on about aunts I haven't met and then suddenly we're setting boundaries like which holes can stretch enough for which appendages and which appendages we've all got and want to use and how many cups are in a pint and who is technically a part of the Soviet Union.
And then the entire coffee shop stands up and yells in unison like in the musicals.
Anus!
Anus!
Anus!
Anus!
And then suddenly my coffee becomes very interesting.
Like why would I need to make eye contact with anyone ever when I've got my coffee?
Jesus.
You know what's weird about that?
What?
It's kind of conservative.
A little bit.
Do you know why?
You're like not very smart, so I'll handle this kind of analysis.
Oh yeah, you did get it actually.
That is it.
Yay me, actually.
Sorry for doubting you, queen.
Yeah, she's living the life of the feminist, covered in tattoos.
Not that there's anything wrong with tattoos on girls.
They look great.
And she's like, this sucks.
I don't want to suck on some tits and get reamed in the butt.
I want romance.
Kind of sad.
Okay, this is getting too serious.
I want to have some fun.
I put together a fun montage of just girls having a fucking fun time.
It could be a green screen, but it's not LGBT anymore.
This is just, I call these videos gals being gals.
And Ryan, you and I are going to have some fucking laughs.
I legit cannot wait.
Oops.
Let's not show it quite yet.
Okay.
Let's show more gay flags.
Those aren't the right flags those gays have.
It's not going to last.
We're going to be married for two years, tops?
She's got the weirdest shoes.
See if you can catch them.
What are you all fucking around now?
Oh, orange.
Oh, God.
Whoops, picklebath.
See the socks she had?
Those are the kind of socks we have, not the ones that were at that gynecologist's office.
We have like cute, fun socks.
She's so fun.
She reminds me of Lindsay.
Lindsay Lohan?
No, our friend Lindsay.
Oh, yeah, Lindsay.
We always call her Lohan because it pisses her off.
She's so fun.
She's such a bitch.
Okay, that one was fun.
What else do we got?
Okay.
We have more.
We have more?
Yep.
How much fun can a girl have?
Oh, I love champagne ones.
Whoa!
That's like when you haven't seen your boyfriend in two months and he promises he hasn't been watching porn.
You're like, I don't believe you.
Oh, I believe you.
And he's like, sploosh.
Yeah, you're like, okay, you really didn't masturbate the whole time I was away.
Wow.
Anyone got a towel?
Next.
These are all chicks.
Chicks is my favorite Instagram account.
Let's get it, girls.
Let's get after it, I think she says.
What's that?
This is like when we're just being a dumb bitch and we know it and we don't care.
And our mom is like, Allie.
Okay, next.
Is that you adding that music?
Yeah, it's girls' talk.
Oh, I get it.
This is a girl trying to throw her boyfriend in the pool, which I tried to do, and boys are stronger than us.
Sorry.
But they throw us in the pool too, and it's like so not fair.
Oh my God.
If I had my Birkenstocks on and they got all wet, I would be so pissed.
I would literally kill him.
I would literally bust a cap in his ass.
I would literally take his fucking femur and break it off and pick my teeth with him because I haven't eaten his flesh.
I would be so pissed and I would just go like fucking dish in the neck.
And then when he's like, uh-uh, I'd fucking go and put my thumbs right in his fucking eyes.
Fuck yeah.
I would unplug his PS5 when he's playing call it dude.
I maybe plug in his PS5 in his ass.
Yeah.
You want to end up in the fucking hospital, Ben Shapiro?
I'll fucking kill you.
Sorry, let's see the video.
First, get the grip.
Unish the hands.
Get a good grasp of the torso and watch.
Ouchies.
How about one for the girls?
We do tend to overestimate our strength.
Why would you just play girl talk, not the song girl talk?
Oh, this is fun.
This is how we party at Christmas.
What's going on with her wings?
Maybe she's holding her little pet chihuahua, like her toy chihuahua.
She's laughing exactly as she's like, squeezing it every time she laughs.
And it's dying.
She's murdering her dog.
Poor dog.
It's like...
We're watching a snuff film.
We're watching a doggy die.
Wow.
She's like the Chester Bennington of Laughing.
He was said to have had two voices when he screamed.
You could hear two different voices.
That's nice.
Next video.
All right.
Alrighty then.
Oh, this is someone just proposed.
And they're filming it.
Oh.
Okay, next.
That was really good.
I wish we had these a little faster.
I almost cried right there.
Yeah, me too.
This is the girls just doing it.
Partying.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no!
Damn, I get the dead.
Physics is not big with the gals.
Oh, no!
Damn, I get the dead.
Like 500 pounds.
That's sad, though, because you know how fat they must feel after that?
Oh, my God.
I would just kill myself.
You could just buy a new table, but like my feelings.
Okay, last one.
This is me as a waitress, you guys.
Seriously.
She needs different shoes.
She should wear those hideous shoes with the toes.
You know what I mean?
Well, gravity is sexist.
I think we know that.
Oh, geez.
Maybe choose a new line of work.
Okay, this is fun.
We're now done with the show.
That's sad.
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
I hope they'll miss us.
I think they will.
But here's what's super weird.
What's your name again?
Julie or Ryan.
Rian.
Rianne.
Rianne.
I forgot my laptop because I'm a ditz.
I'm such a stupid bitch.
I can get it.
Wait, I think I left it at home, though.
Oh.
And that means both of my computers are at home because I'm a dummy.
So you're going to have to do the mailbag.
Fun.
So this is a new thing.
Well, it's a new show, Girl Talk.
So everything is new.
But let's have Ryan go through the letters.
And you start reading it.
And then if I think it's boring, I'll just say, boring.
Got it.
And then we'll go to a new one.
Ryan, shut up.
Some like pretty hot guys.
Let me touch it.
You know what Gavin's daughter said?
What?
He said you lift up that red thing to tell the post office that you have something in there you want them to take.
Yes.
But in that video, the thing went up to say, you got mail.
So which is...
Maybe because you're sending your responses?
Hmm.
Someone's wrong.
Either the person that made that video or Gavin's daughter.
I think it's the thing in the video.
I think the postman's supposed to put up the thing to say, hey, I put mail in there.
So you don't have to walk all the way to the end of the driveway.
No, I think she's right.
Well, you're always wrong, so that means that...
Always.
This is my first show.
Drop at 258.
Can I just say something?
Those always suck.
Okay.
But I don't know how we'd know that, but 258.
Natural Bory Killers.
Is that the whole movie?
There's no action here.
What am I watching?
Two fucking figs?
That is pretty good.
No.
But maybe.
But it's not in our wheelhouse.
No, but maybe if we were showing a video with two people and it was boring.
Right.
Like, when the guy drove his friend to the airport.
I'm finally used to this, by the way.
Now I'm comfortable.
The occasional stray hair, that's the part you really...
It gets in my mouth.
Yeah, it gets, it's like going across my nose.
And I noticed today, like I have a coffee, there's lipstick all over it.
I'm eating a sandwich.
There's lipstick all over the sandwich.
I touch my eye to scratch it, and then there's shit on my hand.
It's weird.
It's sad.
So this one's a funny sprinkles man.
Okay.
These are usually never sprinkly either.
These are never sprinkly.
What's up?
Can you please not eat during our interview?
I'm not eating.
Okay.
Because, I mean, this is a serious interview, so if you're not prepared to be serious during the interview, then we can't conduct this interview.
Oh, okay.
I'm not in.
Okay, are you prepared to continue the interview?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So what is your highest?
All right, sir, we're going to end this interview.
Oh, no, I'm not in.
I'm in.
Are you eating, sir?
Oh, no, no, I'm.
Okay.
All right, sir.
All right, so we're done.
We're done with this interview.
Thank you very much, okay?
I'm sorry, but I have to be able to take this seriously, and this is not acceptable.
I'm not.
Thank you very much.
You notice how she doesn't want to end the interview because then that's the end of her power?
So she's like letting it go, letting it go.
I have an unpopular opinion.
I don't like those kind of pranks.
Because it's wasting people's time.
Because it's wasting people's time.
But she's wasting everybody's time by having that job.
What?
Based on that.
No, she's working in HR.
So I don't want to watch any of those.
Sorry.
Buzzkill over here.
Like on Stern, when they call some pizza place and they're like, I want to order a pussy with some fags.
And the guy's like, we don't have that.
We have pepperoni.
And you're like, the kids at work.
Fuck off.
Now, if it's some Scottish guy who loses his temper and goes crazy with rage, that's no longer low-hanging fruit.
That's entertaining.
This one says, bleeps with their blankies.
I went to see Spider-Man last night.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Recalling your commentary review of the movie is what kept me through the whole two hours and a half.
The whole front row of the recliner section was full of bleeps.
What'd that mean?
I think it's what Atheism is and Stoppel uses to describe pygmies.
Oh.
Their displays of coziness in the public knows no bounds.
You thought that they were bad at the airport, but just wait.
Most of them in this row, all adults, were sporting their jammies complete with blankies and neck pillows.
I know people may have gotten too comfortable with staying at home watching movies during the pandemic, but holy shit, dude, never seen anything like it.
I mean, they walk around in their...
Jammies with blankets?
Why would you need a blanket?
It's not cold.
I walked into a store the other day.
It was like an urban store.
It's like all sweatpants.
There's no regular pants.
Oh, yeah.
No, that's true of that entire...
All young people wear sweatpants and nothing else.
That's considered like fancy.
You'd wear that to a funeral.
But the pajamas, that's fucking infuriating.
Yeah, that's Walmart chic.
Censor.
That's when your mom is 17.
And there's no dad.
Well, I would love to know what city or specific area that is.
Yeah.
Because, like, Harlem is different from East New York, is different from South Brooklyn.
I don't know.
I think the culture keeps them the same.
It's basically the same guy with different accents.
Harlem blacks are like, they wear pants and they have their shit together and they're hustling.
Brooklyn blacks still wear Timberlands and baggy jeans.
And my voice is getting really deep for some reason.
Maybe I have a cold.
Maybe I have Omnicron.
My jaw is getting pointy.
I'm getting fucking tough.
Yeah.
Here's my impression of a guy.
You want to hear it?
Yeah.
Oh, hey, babe.
Do you want to fucking hang out and make a cigar?
Guys always have cigars, and they're like this.
Yeah, man, I love tits.
Let's watch the Super Bowl, man.
Hey, honey, how you doing?
Yeah, well, I love, let me get some tits.
Yeah, I want to drink a beer and watch the game.
Yeah.
They're so dumb.
They're so horny all the time.
Hey, Gav got like fucking as much as an ex-person.
Me too.
But, like, it's not on my mind 24 hours a day.
And it's on my mind, like, once every two days.
But guys are, like, obsessed with pussies.
It's depressing.
It's crazy.
It's gay.
It's stupid.
It's lame.
Eyes are up here.
Government involvement in life.
Hey, GavGuy and Rydog.
I was listening to your Tuesday app while shoveling the driveway.
You mentioned that the government should be police and army only.
I tend to agree.
Plus, maybe court systems.
But let's talk about roads.
How would a free market road system work?
People have to buy land to build them.
Competing roads might be overburdening?
No, I have a hard time seeing the idea through Happy New Year, Will.
What do you think of that?
Why are you wearing Timberland boots like a dude?
I like your little rockette skirt.
Don't I have beautiful legs?
Straighten it out.
Point your toes.
Yeah, there are plenty of...
People always say that.
They go, oh, you're a libertarian.
You don't like roads.
To go upstate, not far, like Delaware, Gap, kind of fucking near Philly, whatever, like say Port Jervis, right?
If we drove to Port Jervis and back right now, it would cost us about 30 bucks in tolls.
So roads are already private.
Furthermore, all over America, there are private highways.
I think there's like 150.
And you go on and you pay, and they are always amazing.
They're always beautiful.
The 95 that we take when we go into the city or even to get to work, you'd think you're in Iraq.
When my boss was in Costa Rica, the roads, he was alarmed at how perfect the roads were.
Like you could skateboard on them.
It was at a skate park for hundreds of miles.
And then the 95, like you get flats.
I got a flat once getting off in the South Bronx.
Bang.
The impact emptied my tire.
So your crazy scenario already exists.
I just want more of it.
Somebody sent men building stuff and they insisted maybe I hit this bumper before.
Now, this is weird because we're just straight.
Yeah.
We're just normal women who like hot guns.
We're regular for men.
Yeah, normal for men.
Normal for men.
That's what this segment is called.
This is how plea wood is pleawioid is made.
Okay, so first you get a bunch of logs.
What's that, like a RAV4?
And then...
It's like a shit river.
And then it goes down the shit river.
And then...
What do you do?
It goes into an oopsie machine where it's like, oops, sorry.
You gotta get the bark off.
Bark right.
Aren't you just gonna throw the outside away anyway?
Hmm.
Why bother with the bark?
All of that looks really dirty.
Ew, it's so loud.
It is loud.
Okay, so the bark's gone now.
I would hate this job.
Oh, everything's banging around.
You can get your nails caught in there.
Your hair?
Ooh, I don't like that.
What's that machine?
Are they going to make the wood shiny at any point?
Stop it, you guys.
You're going to cut it to pieces.
Hey!
Well, there you go.
You can't have a long piece anymore.
You really screwed yourself.
Men just know how to destroy, not wrecking.
This should be called how to destroy the forest.
Women build, men wreck, period.
Yep.
Maybe because you're another bealt to get...
Meh.
Okay, chugga, chugga, chugga, shitriver.
Kicked into the peeler bins.
I thought you already peeled them.
Wait, now they're just plywood?
Did you skip a step?
Oh no.
So now they're nice little cigars.
And then a loader picks them up.
Where does it go?
Now it goes over to a dark place.
How the hell do you set this up?
Looks dingy.
Like someone goes, here's $3 million.
Build a lumber mill.
It's not like you can start with a small lumber mill.
I just do one piece of wood a day.
I'm working up to 600 pounds.
600 pounds.
600 tons.
My 600 ton wood.
Whoa.
Ribbon.
Ribbon.
Ribbons are cute.
You make ribbons?
I would not wear that ribbon.
Oh, that's for when it's like this table here.
If we were to saw it, it wouldn't look this nice.
It wouldn't have this grain.
It would just be like compacted sawdust or whatever.
So that's the exterior.
Ribbon moves to a clipper table.
It's messy.
He's going to get splinters.
Stop touching it.
What are they making paper or something now?
Oh no, they're just making thin sheets.
So when you stack them?
I thought this was about plywood.
You're making thin sheets.
Oh.
So plywood is just a bunch of thin sheets?
And then they staple them together or duct tape them together?
I think they use glue.
Like, oh, like super glue, probably.
Yeah, or like that's the glue right there.
Gorilla glue, probably.
Because wood, gorillas?
15 layers thick.
Seems kind of like a...
Just get a really big tree and then cut a few slices of that.
You don't have to do all this stuff.
Just buy it.
Yeah.
Just go to Home Depot.
What a waste of time.
So dumb.
Oh my god.
Waste of time.
Okay, let's go to the final video.
Oh, okay.
I guess maybe I didn't do such a good job.
That's correct.
Not hurt.
Literally don't care at all.
No, look, we're running out of time here.
Do you want to do a growl face?
Okay.
I've watched Gavin's show before.
He makes a mad face, right?
Yeah, and then it sounds like he's doing the yelling.
I'm thirsty.
Do you have any, like, Gatorade or anything?
I have Wawa.
Ah, that's so boring.
I could put some...
What is that?
Those packets.
Yeah, Maddie Odello has those packets.
He's kind of fine.
He's lost a lot of weight.
Yeah.
You know what?
He's dangerous.
Our boss did at the pub last night.
Quatt.
So remember, get Joe a new car?
So he raised like two, like they take a commission, but I think that Gavin ended up with like $220 or something.
Right.
So Joe already got a car from Jose.
Jose gave him like a $2,000 subaru and said, pay me later.
And Joe's only paid him like $200, and he keeps borrowing money from Lenny and not paying anyone, right?
Ew.
So we want to give the money right to Jose.
What's Jose look like?
He's a circle.
He looks like an armadillo.
So Gavin comes into the bar and he goes, great news, guys.
The money came in for get Joe a new car.
And Joe's down his luck.
He's now claiming he has cancer, but he hasn't started the chemo yet.
And it's weird because he's doing it for sympathy and everyone just laughs at this point.
What was that you just sipped?
What?
You said you didn't have anything to drink and then you just were like sipping lemon tea.
Oh, hold on.
Okay.
Do you want to go to brunch tomorrow?
Yes.
Mimosa's.
Mimosa's for a while.
Okay, that'll be fun.
I can't wait.
I wish it was tomorrow already.
Absolutely.
So he goes, hey, I'll do it in his voice.
Great news, guys.
The money came in.
Forget Joe a new car.
$220.
He's got like $200 bills in that 20.
And he walks over to Joe and he goes, congratulations.
And then just gives it to Jose right in his face.
Right when we're supposed to feel bad about his cancer.
What a joke.
Was he mad?
He was like, oh, seriously, really?
And then Maddie caught him on some lies.
Like, wait, if you got out of hospital yet, where's your IV?
And Maddie's like, Joe's like, seriously?
Oh, seriously?
And then he just left.
Couldn't take the razzing.
And when he was leaving, Gavin said, Joe, little handy tip.
If you're going to be a compulsive liar, you're going to have to have thick skin.
People are going to make fun of you.
And props.
Get an IV.
Yeah.
Well, he did get props when he lied about working at Amazon.
He went on eBay and he bought an Amazon shirt and an Amazon hat, like a wool beanie.
And he wore it.
He wore it to the fucking bar.
One day?
One day.
And then they had to let him go because he had COVID.
What?
Yeah, that's not how that works.
You're fired.
Yeah.
No getting COVID over at Amazon.
That's not how it works around here.
Okay, so I'll make a snarly face.
Yes.
Ready?
We're kind of bitchy and we make fun of men and we shit on them a lot.
But at the end of the day and at the end of the show, we think they're kind of cool, to be totally honest.
And when it's just us bitches around and there's no guy, it's fun for a while.
And then we get out of control and we start screaming at the top of our lungs and we spill red wine on white carpets.
And we kind of need you guys.
So sorry that we can be total fucking bitches.
And we just wanted to show this as some, I think men call it Gapehorn.
I hadn't heard of this before, jet surfing?
It looks kind of South American or something, but that looks really fucking fun and it's not something that I could do.
And we appreciate you guys.
We appreciate you.
Rev it out of the water?
I don't know why they do that.
Clean up the pipes.
That's fun enough, right?
But then they get up.
Doesn't that look awesome?
It does look pretty fun.
Just whipping around?
I don't want to do it, but I want my man to.
I feel like that's something Tyler might do.
What were you doing?
You can't just go...
You've got to lean your head down and look up.
Like that?
Yeah, you look up under your brow.
Yeah, that's it.
Feels strange.
I know.
That's why it scares people to death.
All right, that's it for the show.
I hope you enjoyed our new show, Girl Talks.
It's just girl stuff all the time.
No boys allowed.
This is a dude-free zone.
It's just me and my best gal pal, Rianne.
And what are you doing?
We're not that handy with the tech stuff.
Boys do a better job of that.
And we hope you have a fun weekend.
Don't get too wasted or you're going to get raped.
And don't rape anyone and suck some dicks.
But eventually you're going to want to get a ring on it.
So don't be a total whore because no one wants to buy the cow when the milk is free.
You get me?
And don't forget what we always say on Girl Talk.
Our motto at Girl Talk is always known the man's gonna trick you.
So be on the ball and grab your heart before you give it to a stranger.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
That's the straight while I kiss the sky.
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