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Nov. 24, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
57:21
S04E59 - THANKSGIVING MAILBAG 1
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Time Text
From New York, it's my one with the mother go to hell, cause I'm a piece of motherfucking hell.
Hello, folks, and welcome to this special holiday episode of Get Off My Lawn.
I'd like to greet my co-host here, Ryan Snatchu Rivero.
Welcome to the show, Ryan.
Thank you for decorating the desk.
It looks amazing.
No problem.
You did a really good job.
I'm Pritz Prouds.
What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
Go visit my family upstate with the baby.
Have them meet the baby for the first time.
Pretty exciting Thanksgiving.
So you, why haven't they met it yet?
You're worried about disease?
We haven't had time to travel.
And then also they recommend that my woman not travel in a car if she can avoid it.
Because she's still healing down there and the bumps and the sitting.
And the bumps with the sitting and the oi with the hachen and the schnutzen and the vash.
Exactly.
That's going to be cool.
So what about COVID and shit?
Oh, my grandmother was like, anybody who holds the baby will wear a mask or whatever.
But are you worried about getting her sick?
No.
Because they're all vaccinated.
I'm visiting my Mexican cousins in Chicago, and they're very sensitive.
And when I said, I'm not getting the vaccine, they sort of went, what?
Why?
Wait, you're the one who should be worried because they can still transmit it to you.
They're the only ones who won't get a bad run of it.
So he's MAGA, but he's like, I'm getting every vaccine, every booster.
Like, what do you got?
So he's cool, though.
And he just said, okay, well, I'll have COVID tests.
My company actually sells them.
So I'll test you when you walk in the door.
Because his mother, my dad's sister, is going to be there.
And she's like a million.
She's probably 80.
So I get it.
So, but what happens if you test positive, though?
They're already vaccinated, though.
So they're...
I think if I tested positive, I would avoid my aunt.
Oh, just avoid, I see.
And I might go to a hotel.
It would kill the whole trip, actually.
That's the hot thing with the kids, by the way.
Actually?
I can hear my teenage boy, the 13-year-old.
I can hear him in the room, and you can tell when he's talking to boys or girls.
Because if he's playing video games, you can hear him like, you're a fucking loser.
Yeah, fuck you, you dwarf.
Blah, blah, blah.
You piece of shit.
You couldn't fucking blah, blah.
You suck.
What do they say?
So bad.
You so bad.
And then if it's a girl, I hear, wait, actually?
Actually?
Remember those days where you'd feign interest in their bullshit?
So yeah, this is a bank show.
We'll go over the mailbag.
We'll have some fun.
I love Thanksgiving.
I hate that there's always so much food, though, that you can't, you have to like act like Mugabe and just sample a little bit of each meal.
But we won't have problems with politics.
Everyone's on the same page.
I've watched my wife get red-pilled over the past five years.
When Trump won, she was not happy.
She wanted Hillary to win.
She was a liberal, pro-choice, loved her liberal friends.
Every time I would talk about anything remotely right-wing, she'd do this, oh, here we go again.
And I remember she'd say to me, too, she's like, we're not on Fox News.
I'm not one of the guests you can yell at.
Okay.
So I waited patiently.
Then they terrorized our family and our children.
And then I think what really did it was I took her out to the West Coast, California, Northern California.
And it was all these MAGA people, investors and stuff like that, and people that I know through James O'Keefe and, you know, bigwigs in the conservative scene.
And we stayed there for a while at this house that a couple rented for us.
And she got to meet not just one or two people that were MAGA, but like a community.
So one guy's fishing and the other guy's and they're like, yeah, you leave this written house shit, blah, blah, blah.
And there's like pretty ladies there.
And she goes, oh, we're not freaks.
It's not like I'm joining the KKK and I'm going to be with a bunch of weird rednecks.
My side is like normal, loving people with families who don't dox anyone on the left or terrorize anyone and are very sympathetic and open.
And that changed her.
And now she's like, so what's going on with this?
She wanted Rittenhouse to get off scot-free.
And I hear her say things like, I wonder how my liberal friends will feel.
That's a weird thing to say to my liberal friends, not my friends.
So she goes, I wonder how my liberal friends will feel when Kenosha burns to the ground.
Right.
And I was like, welcome to the dark side, my precious.
Welcome.
I don't like bringing people in, especially family members, but you got to be careful with kids.
If you don't red pill them at all, then they're going to go with the school, which is saying systemic racism, systemic racism.
So you got to do something.
And I think a good age to start sending them little memes and stuff is like 12, 13.
Can't do zero.
I tried that and I regret it because I'm not sure where my son is on the political spectrum.
My daughter is whatever.
She's a punker.
She's long gone.
Politically.
But I'm sexist, so I don't care about that.
As long as she doesn't think her daddy's racist, we're good to go.
But yeah, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time when they come together.
Everyone tries to ruin it, call it Indigenous Day.
It's a day of thanks.
I think we got the thanks thing from the Indians.
Because in all of their rituals, almost all tribes have this thing where they give thanks to the north, they give thanks to the east, thanks to the west, they give thanks to the south.
Four corners, lots of thanks there.
I think we also got the idea of democracy from them.
And obviously, that's the Greeks originally, but the idea of like everyone gets together and picks their favorite guy to lead the group.
That's a Native American thing.
And then I also think they got getting super drunk and puking into a snowbank from the Indians.
That was originally them.
Did you know that?
No.
Yep.
I didn't know that was a thing.
That's a real curse in Canada.
There are giant freezing cold couches on 100% of the streets.
So you're super drunk.
You just want to lie down.
Then you lie down on this nice, cool, soft bed called snowbanks that immediately form to your body.
You're like, bye-bye.
Then you wake up dead.
What do you think of that, Ryan?
I didn't know that was a thing.
Yeah, it is.
We're investigating right now similar atrocities going on at Thanksgiving, a time usually spent with family to relax and eat turkey.
But our insider, Vet Veritas, has located a turkey that might be a chicken.
Okay.
So they're still hard at work, apparently.
Yeah.
Should we dive into the mailbag?
I think it's appropriate to do so on a day of this, thanks.
Right.
Oops.
Well, that's not how it works.
The reason I do these banked shows is because I don't want you to get out of the habit.
Oh, wait, we didn't explain the.
Oh, what are you doing?
Okay.
Go ahead.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's male back.
Let me touch it.
Very wrinkly eyes in that photo.
Wrinkly eyes.
Eyes.
Hey, Gavin, big guy.
I thought I'd shoot you these guys' potential songs for an episode or two if you'd like to use them.
One is by this new young artist named Emil entitled This Is How I Learned to Say No.
And the other is an incredible little country ditty by the great Dwight Yoakum entitled, Turn It On, Turn It Up, Turn Me Loose.
We know that song.
I also wanted to include a pretty funny and cool Trump succession intro edit.
Could be funny to show or even potentially use as a Trump bumper.
I think it was originally supposed to be seen as negative against Trump, but I thought it was cool and showed the Trump family in a positive light.
Yeah, that's like when they show Proud Boys montages of like, they're violent.
And you see them kicking the shit out of Antifa, and it's like, thanks for the promo video.
All right, let's check out his first song.
This is how I learned to say no.
Cute, fun so far.
What do you think, Ryan?
Are you enjoying yourself?
So far, so great.
Boring, shitty, gay.
Thank you for wasting our time with that bullshit.
Dwight Yoakum, what are you, Ryan Rivera now?
We're doing our mom's favorite songs.
Does he do A Thousand Miles to Nowhere?
I love that song.
Back again.
You know, he's so sexy.
That has really turned me off.
Okay, boring.
And finally, let's see if this...
You can redeem yourself.
This is bad?
This garner?
This can't be supposed to be.
There's no way this is supposed to be bad.
Why does everyone talk about the escalator scene so much?
Including Trump.
What message is this editor sending?
Trump exists and he has sons and daughters.
And he's on big things and he owns a big place.
He's even kissed a baby.
He's breeding.
The Trumps are out there multiplying on a daily basis.
Is that what you want in your America?
More Trumps?
I don't think so.
Music's so half-assed, too.
So anyway, that sucks.
We would never use that as an intro.
It's what, nine years long?
There we go.
It says complicit.
Complicit.
Oh, so they're saying he's been in the public eye forever and you've been ignoring his evil racism?
That's actually a point on our side.
I think we're missing also that's the intro to succession.
It's a TV series and that's the, it's a parody of it.
But I guess these are bad guys or these are like scum.
Yeah, that's such a chick show, succession.
So it replaces their suggested scumminess from the show characters to the real-life people.
No, this is the real succession family.
Oh, okay.
I finally get their stupid boring joke or message.
The only thing more chick than that show is that show where Sandra O is MI5.
MI5 guys all look like Archie Bunker.
Their job is to sit in a dumpster for four hours listening to tapped phones and see if anyone talks about blowing anything up.
That's what 90% of MI5.
But this shit, it's all these women trying to kill each other.
And he's just edgy for edgy's sake.
I'm going to come on a cracker and eat it.
That's what Jim Norden's impression of it is.
Selfish or self-centered or you could say that.
Or unfaithful.
It's all about just sex jokes.
So much of female entertainment is based on envy.
Like, remember, you don't remember, but Dallas was all about the rich and famous, and the housewives of Beverly Hills, they're all rich.
And here's an architecture magazine where Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats, who are each worth $150 million, have built this $50 million mansion that was used to inspire Tony Stark.
And look at them on a yacht.
Don't you wish you had a yacht?
Is that the one that ended where you don't know who shot the guy?
Who shot JR?
Right.
Hey, Kweef Squad, apparently NBC.
No, that's ancient news.
We have to keep things relatively current because this is a banked show, so it's evergreen.
These are tagged, right?
Yeah.
That's one.
Typical Glaswegian.
The subject for this is for Gavin McInnes.
Hello, Cavin McKinnis.
Stephen McFoll here for Glasgow.
I'm 45 and I'm currently looking for work.
I'm current and hilarious and quirky.
I have a heat for news and presentation, medium video experience, along with being IT versatile.
Okay, thanks for we're now reading job applications.
Hey guys, I just remembered shitty tits Fantano commented on one of your old Rebel videos.
It's the one where you shit on gamers.
It's one of the top comments.
That's always a tricky thing to do with our audience is shit on gamers.
A lot of backlash.
I think a lot of dudes feel guilty that they spend so much time pretending they're a spider woman.
That's right, I said a woman.
Every time I look over you gamers' shoulders, you're playing as a chick.
And my son goes, no, give a skinnier waist so it's harder to hit.
Okay.
I'd rather have a fat waist and be a dude.
It's down farther.
I got it here.
The needle drop.
There we go.
So playing video games is a waste of a quote-unquote man's time, but baiting feminists with inflammatory statements is a good use of your time, Gavin?
Yeah.
Nice insult, dude.
That is exactly a better use of one's time.
You're actually improving the world when you destroy these feminists.
You're saving lives because they get out the you disavow them.
You disabuse them of the notion that having a what's that say?
Gavin's a millionaire who started multiple successful companies.
I don't agree with him about video games or fiction in general, but moving the goalpost, you filthy beta.
I forgot what I was talking about.
I know I'm probably the hundredth person to send this, but here it is anyway, and it's the Proud Boy thing that's boring.
Clip of the day, I killed a buck.
Okay.
Here's the clip of the day.
You ready for this?
Oh, fudge.
I could view it in Telegram.
We'll see about that.
I think I had trouble with that link.
While you're figuring that out, I'll read the next one.
Maddie has rage issues and a shitty heart.
Dear Gavin, Maddie, and Ryan, some people are just meant to die of aggravation.
Those people are largely of Scottish or Irish descent.
In my family, people jokingly say that my autobiography will be called, You're All Stupid Assholes and No One Knows How to Drive.
I'm 36 years old.
You know, my gravestone, my last will and testament, makes it clear that my gravestone has to say, I heard a retard say cunt once.
My wife was mortified at the lawyer's office as we signed the quadruplicate fucking forms you need to sign for that.
I think it cost me like three grand.
I can't remember how much I paid.
But I just, I want to have a gravestone where it's, here lies, here lies, all this serious shit.
And he was a great father and do, do, do, do, do, and God bless his soul.
And then just, I heard a retard say cunt once.
And the funniest part about it, I've never heard a retard say cunt.
They don't swear.
They're very religious.
They've got their shows.
They're soap operas.
And cunt is not on them.
Did you get that thing going yet, nigga?
No, that shit don't work.
All right.
Dear Gavin, Maddie, and Ryan.
Oh, there we are.
I'm 36 years old and I have angry wrinkles on my forehead from being a pissed off person of Irish descent.
I also break out in hives when I get mad.
I'm literally allergic to morons.
I've come to terms with the fact that I'm meant to die of aggravation.
This is a lady, by the way.
If Maddie's heart craps out mid-shit fit to just know that he was meant to go out that way, there isn't shit wrong with being principled, ornery, and of northern European descent.
With love, Katie.
I am the aunt angry.
What are we doing here?
Obsessed with lames.
Watch this video.
It's way better than all the race and tranny stuff you're always playing.
Okay, let's see.
Someone's got an improvement.
See, that's my favorite kind of criticism.
Not this sucks, but hey, this would be better.
Oh, this is an ancient Chinese fucking secret, dude.
I did six years in YA and then 19 months in the joint.
What'd he do?
I stabbed some dude in the neck four times.
Because he was a rat.
Gotta let him know what time it is.
What's one of your most number of fights?
Probably that time that I stabbed that dude.
I was thinking about it, I was watching the Sopranos the other day, and they wrongly think, what's his name, Fat Jimmy, is a snitch, and they think he's wearing a wire, so they murder him, and then they stick a rat in his mouth, and they leave him in an alleyway, right?
Yeah.
Where'd you get the rat?
It's like a cockroach.
You see them all the time, but actually having one when you're shooting a scene, that's why they're always those big fat Madagascar hissing cockroaches that don't look like the cockroaches you see.
Because those you can just buy online.
I've bought them before for a shoot.
But those aren't the kind of roaches you see in real time.
Jimmy the Rat.
That's them deciding to kill him, I believe.
And he wasn't a rat.
Boop-ba-doop-ba-doo.
Someone's got a video drop for us.
We are very snobby when it comes to video drop.
Oh, this one's been sent to us a few times.
Sorry for my language.
He's screaming.
If I catch any of you fuckers alone, I boycott.
No, that's not it, Ryan.
We already covered that.
This one is from Nick and it says video drop.
And it's the retard thing.
Back when you could say retard.
Back when there was tons of retards around and they weren't being aborted.
But then the left said, we're going to simultaneously commit genocide and wipe Down syndrome people off the planet, out of history forever, and at the same time be sanctimonious and tell you that you can't call them that.
Weird.
I'm retarded.
That's that show.
What was it?
Quantum Leap?
He kept taking over people's bodies?
Yeah, I guess we could use that for when I do something stupid, Ryan.
The part where you said, I'm retarded?
Yeah.
Fucking dogs is the subject.
I have a coworker that doesn't do anything to carry his own weight at work.
He shows up late and leaves early, generally because his dogs escape his house and the neighbor's bitch.
Dogs are fucking stupid.
I don't think there's anything worse than someone who won't shut up about their fucking dog.
It's painful.
Virginia governor defends push to make VMI more exclusive in speech to cadets.
That's too bad.
Peak American divorce fags.
Check out this Glenn Youngkin election pamphlet.
I'm curious if you think the glowing endorsement from Trump helped him win.
They said, this guy's like Donald Trump.
I said, thank you very much.
President Trump represents.
So this is an attempt to smear him.
Yeah, this is a good example of the American divorce where we look at it and we go, yeah, awesome.
And they look at the exact same thing and go, this is disgusting.
This will ruin him.
It's like when they made Trump Darth Vader and we go, yeah.
You mean the guy that literally ruled the universe?
I'm just pissed they didn't make him the emperor.
He wasn't hot enough.
Not that Darth Vader is very hot.
No.
Hey, Retard.
I think that's you, Ryan.
Oh, man.
Homo, I believe that's me.
And useless tubby guy, which I'm sure is Maddie.
We all came out pretty bad in that.
Nobody was unscathed.
No one likes the butt cheeks.
Do you still think shampoo makes you bald?
Yes.
You're the one who likes to point out how so many of the less talking points can be refuted by going, hmm, for five minutes.
Every woman I've ever met showers at least once a day, usually twice.
Why are there no bald women except for a few genetic travesties?
Maybe I should have specified.
Shampoo makes men bald.
Women are obviously less bald than men, so they can take a beating.
They can do all kinds of dumb shit that we cannot do.
Another thing that makes you bald is wearing a hat.
If you're regularly wearing a hat, you're stressing out your follicles.
Stop doing it.
Look at me.
I'm 51.
Even, like, I know you see bald patches and shit.
That's not a bald patch.
That's just a patch where it's so thin you can sort of see the scalp, but there's hair everywhere.
If I shaved my head bald, there'd be stubble everywhere.
It would just be less dense than like the sides.
And that's because I never wear a hat.
And here's a third one.
When you're getting stressed out, just go, is this worth going bald?
And stop doing that.
And fourth, don't do hormone treatment shit.
I did that stuff that made my balls make more testosterone for like a month.
I was a dick and my hair started thinning.
What do you take?
Hey, should I take that pre-workout?
Should I pump it up and don't let it down?
Pump it up, don't let it down.
Maybe.
Yeah, I'll give you a little sample of it.
So what is it?
Just a bunch of caffeine?
It's a lot of caffeine and then some stuff that boosts your nitrous oxide, which lets your blood pump better and L-carnitine and things like that.
A lot of good things that will help you and give you sustainable energy throughout.
It's good stuff.
I don't want to plug it because I don't want to.
It's Gorilla Mind.
Guerrilla Mode.
Oh, is it Cernovich?
No.
But interesting that they both landed on Gorilla theme stuff.
No, it's this guy.
More plates, more dates with the biggest Death Star Delts you've ever seen in your life.
And he's the one.
I like the way you said that.
That was so gay.
He's the one who's like.
No way.
It's really good delts.
Holy shit.
You got to see his delts.
Best delts ever?
Are you serious?
How's his ass?
I don't care about his.
Oh my God.
His delts are insane, dude.
Those are bananas.
Those are such good delts.
They're Death Star delts.
Death Star?
I love it.
I want to get Death Star delts.
Me too.
Let's look at more men's bodies, you fucking queer.
Now, hold on.
He's the guy who scores his head with a micro needler to prevent baldness.
Oh, yeah.
And he's got blood everywhere.
Yeah.
A micro needler.
So you wouldn't do that?
No.
And I don't like taking any kind of medication where you don't feel like yourself.
Like, if I take an Adderall, I'm me, but just I'm me from tomorrow, put on top of today.
And then the next day, I'm zero me.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
You just, like, double yourself.
But, like, I didn't feel like me at all.
I was a guy named Craig.
That sucks.
Yeah, Craig's...
No offense, Craig.
No offense.
A lot of you suck.
Here's his scalp here.
Great idea.
Yeah, he microneedles.
But like, who wants to be that ripped?
I don't understand.
Can you even find a shirt?
Everyone I have showers.
So yeah, you've never heard that women have more hair than men?
And by the way, you'll notice the tone of these guys is, you're So stupid.
I've solved your issue.
That's like saying, you think that sparring isn't bad for you?
Oh, really?
How come then if you punch a baby in the head 20 times, it can die?
Because babies are different than adults.
Men are different than women.
Different from, different than?
Very simple explanation.
Yeah, I know why.
Anyway, why there are no bald women?
Clearly, the cause of balding is predominantly genetic or related to testosterone and other hormones.
Yes, but you have some say.
Sure, your hair can look nice with natural oils, but every time you say shampoo makes you bald, my anal lips droop.
Well, you got to do your homework there, tit lips.
Hey, gang, I drew this while watching the show the other night.
I've noticed this with Zoomers.
Their confidence is way too high.
I think America's confidence is too high.
All fives think they're nines, and we saw that with Kyle Rittenhouse's mother, where they're like, I'm two years older than her, and I look like this.
And you're like, yeah, you're a hideous old bag.
But another thing they do, these zoomers, is they'll do this half-assed shitty drawing, which is like the beginning.
This is basically Island boys, like it's the beginning of something that could be good.
And you're so proud of yourself, you're like, oh, I got to send that over to the guy, even though I didn't even draw the ears.
Fuck off.
What are you doing over there?
Getting a new page from my notebook.
You stole mine.
I told you, it's in the car.
I'll get it.
Gavin, I posted a fake tutorial video called How to Fix.
Oh, we already talked about that guy.
Cool music for you out of touch homos.
Yeah, I've done that before.
It always sucks.
All right, now I'm going to go way down.
Oh, it's a bunch of rappers who wreck a store, and I guess that's punk rock.
That's not what punk rock is, sir.
Okay, this is all the way down, Ryan.
Watch with Maddie, convicts fighting for money.
And what time?
Okay, got it.
Well, we should wait for Maddie then.
Oh, yeah.
It's the same guy.
It was the guy who was like, I stabbed the guy in the neck.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Dear Gavin, Rygai, and Maddie, firstly, Ryan sucks at explaining things.
Your lats are back muscles.
Yeah, but they show in the front.
So when you do this...
I was talking to you here.
Yeah, those are obliques, and I nailed it on first try.
I said those are obliques.
Yeah, the Wolverine muscle.
Oblique.
Right here I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah.
Obliques.
Obliques?
We get through the bottle, blah blah blah.
Firstly, Ryan Suck Blah, blah, blah.
On an unrelated note, check out this TikTok.
Why classic Broncos Are You Driving Out in?
Dude, I love the Classic Bronco.
Obviously, I have eyeballs and a penis, but they're like 60 to 80 grand now.
Stunning.
Gorgeous.
That's going to be a new trend.
Broncos?
No, no, this retroness.
Ford just released, what is it, concept pictures?
And then also, what was the Hyundai?
We saw the Hyundai.
We discussed that.
It's a thing.
And then also those electric trucks, the electric Range Rover-looking thing that we saw when we went to go buy that BMW.
Not Rivera, but something like that Rivio or something.
Rivian.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Those are pretty square.
And then there's that electric truck.
I don't know, man.
I don't think I could do electric.
No.
One, you feel like a homo.
And two, Indian Dave, brother Dave, Proud Boy, has one, and he's always bragging about it.
He's like, I can look at my phone while I'm driving.
It does most of the driving.
It stays perfectly in the lane.
It costs me nothing to charge.
Okay, those all sound like good points.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not going to say no to something if it's incredibly cheap.
But then one time they were going up to visit Max and John, which is a seven-hour drive, they fucking got a tire popped when they were up up by Watertown.
And the guy goes, these are really weird tires.
I won't be able to get one for three days.
So they missed the visit, and they stayed at a hotel for three days.
Like in a town.
I don't have three days to throw away.
No, thank you.
And then another time, like we were talking about going back up in February, and he goes, ooh, we got to watch for storms.
When I took my Tesla, I had to stop three times and charge it for half an hour.
That's not America.
That's not freedom.
What's up, you fucking Jews?
Oops.
That burns.
I'm writing in from Toronto, Canada.
I was wondering if you ever heard of The Whitest Kids You Know.
Yes, I'm obviously familiar with that.
I remember they sent me shit in 2001, maybe?
Exactly 20 years ago.
And they had just started.
They weren't anywhere.
And they had a VHS tape of their sketches.
And there was some very racy stuff, some blackface stuff in there.
And they included, I'll never forget this, they included a 40.
And I thought, I've never received a press kit with a 40 before.
I like these guys.
But we just had the guy die.
The main guy died.
Trevor Moore.
He fell.
He was kind of anti, there's all kinds of conspiracy theories because he was kind of anti-CIA, anti-FBI.
But I think he was a huge boozer and he just fell.
He made his own, who's making his own moonshine and drinking a ton of it.
Yeah, that's a good thing.
Well, I guess it's sort of like when you drink normal booze.
Moonshine gets you lit.
It's a good buzz, though.
Oh my god, Hamlet!
I just saw a fucking vampire!
It bit me right in the neck!
Oh no!
Save yourself, Hamlet!
Save!
Othello, I will avenge you and rid this castle of the vampire scourge that has taken this fascity.
I shall hunt each and everyone down in this town and drive a wooden stake through the heart.
All this for my friend Othello.
Oh no!
Hamlet, turn the wheel!
He turned into a vampire!
He's gonna bite you!
Oh shit!
Hamlet!
I can't watch this!
Hey, everybody, I can't watch this!
Well, some of us are trying to.
John, please.
Who said that?
Which one of your dead motherfuckers just said that shit?
Okay, it's pretty funny.
Just talking in the middle of the day.
No, Birthday Boys.
Birthday Boys were slightly better.
I knew those guys, the whitest kids, you know, I went and pitched TV shows with the hunky one.
He wanted me to do a how-to show.
Would have been great.
But yeah, the Birthday Boys were fucking great.
Remember the musical they did about books?
Look up Birthday Boys books a song?
I also love the bit they did where they mocked all these rock guitarists who, every time you talk to like Jimmy Page or Jimi Hendrix or, you know, the greatest musicians of all time, they're always like, man, no one could hold a candle to Bleeding Gums Murphy or Jitterbug.
And then you hear it, it's on some crackly 77 RPM.
He's like, my baby's got away.
And you're like, that sucks.
And I feel the same way about, we're probably going to lose some subs, Robert Johnson.
Oh, Robert Johnson.
He was a genius.
And Led Zeppelin ripped off everything from him.
Really?
What would you rather clean your room to?
Led Zeppelin immigrant song or fucking Robert Johnson?
Wait a minute, just put on Robert Johnson for a sec.
Sounds good.
That's the vinyl.
Okay.
Can I hear some more?
I mean, Jimmy Page definitely leans into that.
It's definitely an homage, but Led Zapwin's way better.
It is amazing that he's playing this with the pool in the rain.
Oh, there's a zoom buddy down below.
They're no Robert Johnson.
Well, there's a light in your eyes when you shine.
Isn't there a bad song?
It's got that breakdown with the whistle.
They were inspired by the World Cup.
I don't like his orgasm solos.
Robert Plant, where he's like...
Yeah, good point.
It's enough of that.
Go back to that Birthday Boy sketch with the books.
It's so, like, talk about sprinkles.
This is so intrinsically just funny.
And inevitably with these groups, by the way, there's one guy who sucks who just happened to be their roommate, and he's part of the group.
I don't know who it is in White It's Kids You Know, but I know who it is in Birthday Boys, and I'll point him out if he's in this bit.
Hey, Tim, what are you reading?
It's this really great book.
It's such a painster, I can't put it down.
Yeah, what is it?
It's the biography of Hulk Hogan.
Got at the airport.
Well, you've been reading that thing all day, Tim.
You're like turning into a real bookworm.
You know, I guess you're right.
I guess I am.
Seems that while other people like to go out into the world and meet all sorts of people, I guess I prefer to take an adventure within the pages of a book.
I don't need anyone else to make me happy or anyone else to make my heart sing.
Just gave me a book.
Yeah, gave me a big old papery bug.
Cause I'm a book guy.
Oh, yeah, I'm a boot guy.
All the adventure that I'll ever need is right there on those library shelves.
And also at the books.
I remember this with my buddies Eric and Steve.
We would smoke tons of weed, hash, it was in Canada.
And we're up by Greenbelt.
We're in the Adirondack.
No, it's basically the Oudaway region, the Gatineau.
It's basically the Quebec equivalent of the Adirondacks.
And we're in the trees.
And there's four felled trees that make kind of a square.
And I just started walking along one of them like...
And then it became walking the block, walking the block, I'm changing my socks.
Walking the.
And then Eric would get on, and it would be more of like a band, like, walking the block, walking the block, I'm changing my socks.
And this went on for like hours as we walked the block in various different disco rock.
Everyone was walking the block and changing their socks.
Go back to this stupid birthday thing.
It's so weird that the reason I'm asked to play this is because it's so like not normal.
It's not the way you make a joke.
At the airport, page, page, pages.
I always thought.
You know, Tim couldn't dance at all.
Don't forget about the table of contents, folks.
And he can't be very good.
Cover to cover.
Oh, brother.
Some may call me a dreamer.
Others may find me a fool.
Page after page, chapter after chapter, about the author.
That's what I'm after.
I don't know why.
I'm a book dude and I'm in my mood too.
Read, read, read alive.
I'm just the book guy after all.
Look at that strange guy Reading that book.
He's a book guy.
All right.
He's a book guy.
Yeah, he's always in his nose.
Hog, Hogan.
Boo!
Asher is different.
That's him.
I'm starting to think he's the one.
That's the albatross around their neck.
When's that guy going to conform like the rest of the town?
Loaf, roll, salesman.
Loaf and roll.
Gus guy's up in the window.
Henry Feldman?
Yes.
Guys up in the window.
And does he even have a decent dowry?
Sorry, fellas.
What can I say?
I'm just a big old leaf through Larry.
I'm a real bookmonger.
Yes, he's a book guy.
Real deal book guy.
Book guy.
Book guy.
He's a loner and an introvert.
He doesn't have a friend in the world.
Except for us, Mike and Jeff.
Two best friends in the world.
He's a book guy.
Wow.
That's quality.
See?
That's the opposite of this.
Why does kids you know we're very good?
That's the opposite of this.
Brett Gelman's A Thousand Cats.
He scrubbed this from the internet entirely.
Really?
This is the only version of.
I hate Brett Gelman.
He canceled Sam Hyde.
He left Adult Swim after getting fired and pretended it was because it's too racist there.
What?
And when pressed, we discover that they kept asking him to, dude, you're funny.
Get us some funny chicks.
This is becoming a sausage fest.
You know any funny chicks?
And he's like, yes, my weird-looking Gary Coleman black wife, she's funny.
And they go, what?
That's the stylist from your last show.
It's also my wife and a hilarious woman.
They go, no, we want like someone who has experience in comedy.
And he goes, what about this?
That's just your wife with a hat on.
So after five times of him suggesting his wife and them going, she's a stylist.
And we asked for like a someone with a stand-up comedy background.
He goes, this place is racist and leaves.
Yeah, she is not trying to look like a lady very much.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't know Talib Starks dated Brett Gelman.
And look at the girl in the background.
I could have fucked him.
You could have had me.
Said no to me.
That's deep.
Again, the big problem with women who have shaved heads is when you're fucking them from behind, you're looking down at a 12-year-old boy.
Correct.
That's rape.
1,000 stories.
9,000 lives.
We're cats.
We're living.
We're ready to strive.
But is he making fun of cats the movie, the musical?
Which is...
Talk about easy targets.
1,000 stories.
9,000 lives.
It's like Mark Stein with his, I thought I saw a putty tat.
He's just not a funny guy.
Well, he can be with good writing.
Like, remember fucking...
I'm Alan.
Hi, yeah, guys.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I just have to.
He cameo in some movie with a little bit of a thing with Chris, what's his name?
When he's making fun of Chuck Norris, and it's called Eagle Heart.
Oh, right, right.
He was great in Eagle Heart, but it was great writing.
It was fucking Chris.
What's his name?
Possibly the funniest person in the world.
Holy shit.
Someone sent us porn.
NSFW.
You got to see this.
Holy fuck is it beautiful.
Check out this 1970 Rover.
Now, who makes Rover?
I never heard of them before.
Oh, my stars.
Okay, I got it.
Dude.
This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life.
Oh, my God.
Look at the back.
The grill is breathtaking.
Can you show all the pictures?
Here's the grill.
Just pull the whole thing up, dicklips.
Look at that fucking grill.
Wow.
Christopher L. Fuck Elliot.
Chris Elliott?
Yeah.
Yes.
You boys, look at it.
I never heard of Rover before.
All right.
Hey guys, have you seen Milo's new Christian TV shopping host gig?
I think I may have checked out a second of it on his Telegram.
I did.
But are people making fun of it?
Yes.
I think he's good at this, but it is funny.
But somebody quoted it and said, this is the gayest thing Milo's ever done.
I'm well.
I'm happy because this is the first of our shows.
I believe they're including gay sex in that when they...
Probably the most important woman in history.
That's Ryan.
That is the joke.
I see.
She's certainly the most beloved.
And we've got today three items, all in celebration, reverence, of course, of the Blessed Mother, the Virgin Mary.
We're going to start with this wonderful statue, which we both own.
We do, but in different media, oh, different colours.
That's right.
You've got the silver finish.
Yes.
And I've got this bronze finish.
Tell us a little bit about the material this is made from.
He's doing a great job.
He saw stuff.
Really good at it.
And he's good at it.
It's compelling.
He was like, you know, Milo's a survivor.
You could throw him into a scuba class and say, teach these people a little diet.
He's like, right, okay, what's the number one rule we need here?
It's oxygen.
So we have to see how much is left.
How much is left in the tank?
Wow.
30 minutes.
How much is left?
Yeah, that's perfect.
Also, when he does his pause thing, like when he comes out of a pause, it's always worth it.
He goes, and the thing I noticed about the face is that sometimes they have a real rather, and he's soft about saying things that are not complimentary to get to a, like, he's like, what I've noticed about other statues is the face can be a bit unfortunate.
It's like, that's a perfect word to not bring into negative results.
Yeah.
Unfortunate, but this is really just gorgeous.
I think he's mad at me for the whole thing not working out here.
I know Chadwick is.
Sorry, we had a news page.
It was expensive.
There was typos in it, and it didn't work.
That's all that matters.
It was not generating income.
So if it's not profitable, I chop it.
Maybe a season two in the future.
I don't know.
Who knows?
No, I'm talking about the news page.
Oh, yeah.
With Milo, it's just like more and more and more and more money.
And then he's like, I can see which way things are going here.
I'm out.
Okay, bye.
You're too expensive anyway.
You priced yourself out of a job.
Ryan Sprinkles.
Question mark.
This will not be sprinkles, I promise you.
This is musical sprinkles.
No such thing.
I hate joke music.
Like fucking Ween.
Ween or just weirdo Yankovic.
It's like joking during sex.
Yeah, it's a sacred thing and you don't make fun of.
Right.
I never got it either.
I did one funny song because this woman.
Oh, I thought you were kidding with all your songs.
Hurtful, mean, inaccurate.
Shut up, boring waste of time.
Gavin Maddie.
So we both, Maddie and I come out great in this, right?
Yeah.
And show wrecker.
Check out this song.
I feel like it's pretty fitting given what's going on in the world nowadays.
Gavin, I know you get bored quickly, so have a dummy start at 115 and give it 30 seconds.
I'd like to see.
15-1.
All kit.
1.15.
I know.
It's just being a show wrecker.
This is where we come from.
Where the hell we belong from them big woods and them sticks.
All my people, the country strong.
And if you don't like it here, you can take your ass on.
But please don't take it wrong.
Cause I know just what you thinking.
Probably think we discriminate and probably think these boys are racist.
That's what they want you to think.
As they trying to separate us, it's as true.
Just watch the news and so on.
But the black guys.
Love southerners, hate the heat.
Isn't it funny how you can't wait for it to be winter so you can put on your gorgeous flannels and your fucking beautiful red wings.
And then you're putting away a Hawaiian shirt and you're like, eh, I kind of miss my low-cut chucks and my white pants with my fucking thingamadoodles.
As we record this, Proud Boys Trending in New York.
I guess they're trying to dig up that this was a thing.
What's that got to do with New York?
I don't know.
Okay, so this is a banked episode that was actually shot last Friday.
Wait, what did that say go up a bit?
A little more?
Tell that to the proud boys who go to protest with weapons and incite violence so they can find any excuse to use them.
Protesters will start to bring weapons to protect themselves from people like Kyle and the like.
This is nothing to celebrate.
Protesters.
You mean like the one who shot Tiny or the one who shot Joey Bishop?
Look at this splash page for this fuck.
This is the person weighing in on political matters with a bunt cake.
You fucking cunt.
It's a fat chick.
It's obviously a fat chick.
Now do the proud boys.
To be fair, the photo was taken after the shooting and racists are generally the only ones willing to forgive him with open arms.
That's not really how you say forgive him.
Most local officials, blah blah blah.
Anyway, that's boring.
But is it trending like in a crazy way?
22,000 tweets.
Do I gotta go get my guns?
23,000 tweets.
Excuse me.
My phone just has Kyle Rittenhouse, A-C-L-U, Adele.
How do you feel about the Ahmad Arbery one?
I'm anti-jogger.
I don't really like to jog.
I don't do cardio much.
I do a little bit, but I'm kind of because I think he was a thief.
No, I was...
I know he was a jogger, and I'm for him being killed.
Because if black people start jogging, then we're going to look, we won't have anything.
That's right.
That's so true.
It's white genocide.
We're losing.
All we have left is camping, jogging, horseback riding, and downhill skiing.
Four things left.
If I saw a guy, a black guy skiing, I'd shoot him.
The penalty for appropriation is death.
Yep.
All kidding aside, he says, congrats on Ryan becoming a dad.
Don't fuck it up.
Okay.
Also, we need more Maddie.
The stories are incredible, so quit holding back, big guy, and speak up.
Speak up and speak down.
Speak black and speak bligh.
We should wrap this up soon.
Dear G-Dog, Fag Supreme, and Maddie Hose Smell.
Hey Nears, just wanted to email in to suggest another great Joel Gilbert documentary.
It's called Farewell to Israel, Bush, Iran, and the Revolt of Islam.
The film is a 2.5-hour chronicle of Islam.
I can't believe he fucking bailed on being on this show.
From before its inception to 2007, identifying the attitudes and motivations of Islamic cultures worldwide, in my opinion, it is critical viewing in order to understand the crises in the Middle East and the mindset of all of Islam.
It can be a turnoff since it's not made with entertainment value in mind and is pretty much strictly informational, which I understand many of you find boring.
No, no, that's for when you're cleaning up the basement or something.
Those are the best kind of podcasts.
If you're going for something more in the Trayvon Martin hoax vein, I would suggest there's no place like Utopia or Dreams from My Real Father.
Both are takedowns of the Obama administration, the latter being his investigative work of finding out who Obama's father really was.
Have a great show.
I mean, he's an Infowars host.
Hey, Gavin and Ryan, if you missed it last week, Tucker took a jab at Microsoft and suggested muckle shoot reparations.
How dare he.
Oh, we got a clip.
Really?
Have you paid royalties to the muckle shoot people for building your stupid campus on their land?
Probably not.
You think mentioning their name gets you out of the obligation?
I don't think so, Microsoft.
We'll talk to you later.
How outside of the realm of possibility is it to get Tucker to say something about the bird, which is very, very no.
Very, very no.
Not too much of indecence.
Just a bald eagle.
No.
Tucker made it clear to me a long time ago that he's not a proud boy.
He's not going that way.
He said, I made a decision early on that you can go the non-violence peace route or the violence route.
I chose the non-violence peace route.
There's no violence in Bald Eagle, but I guess.
And I said, no, but it would eventually be traced back.
And I said, so you're MLK and I'm Malcolm X. And he goes, for better or for worse.
It's just a decision I made.
I was like, okay, because Malcolm X is cooler than Martin Luther King, you realize.
Yeah.
And they both die in the end.
Please watch Beginning at 2.30.
Lots of video drop material here.
30 years ago, his sister disappeared.
She soon began talking about a recent case.
But clearly, her psychic abilities didn't tell her that I was the girl in the picture.
One of the first things I do in a case, Lisa, is I always make sure people know if I feel the person is living or not.
So you'll always know when you talk to a family member, when you start a case, you'll know if this person is dead or alive.
And that's the point.
Can I just say something?
This is like that female journalist who debunked the Bible that leaks oil.
Congratulations.
You just, your show took down a psychic detective.
Is that a thing?
Have you ever heard anyone in your life go, have you checked in with a psychic detective?
They might know where your motorcycle key is.
Go back to that article?
I don't think this is the one that she wrote.
Is it?
What's her name?
What was that?
Purnima Mishra.
Yeah, I don't think that's it.
No.
It was like...
Really poor, uneducated geriatrics are occasionally full of shit.
Did you know that?
Yeah, that's the one.
That's Ruth Graham.
And just, she lived there for like three weeks debunking this myth.
Guess what, folks?
Scoop.
Breaking.
The Bible that they have is not magic.
It's actually a scam.
I mean, it's the next Watergate, really.
She busted it open.
Oilgate.
But go back to that article.
We just have to show how fucking long it is.
Like, this is her notes.
It's not the article.
You published your notes.
Look at this.
On and on and on.
And then at the end, when she discovers it's fake, they all ghost her, obviously.
They holy ghost her.
This guy says he's a time traveler.
I think he's at it.
But he says he's a time traveler.
Watch them in your in.
Watch them in your on-time G-Dog.
Oh, my own time, I think you meant to say?
Or his time?
Fuck knows anymore.
Okay, let's see this time traveler.
I don't like usually going there, but what I'm about to show you is going to blow your freaking mind.
And it's going to prove to you 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am a time traveler.
Okay.
Let me show you something.
Guys, I'm here.
PC time.
Now, I don't know how much longer I could stay here, but this is so dangerous.
Oh, shit.
I don't like usually.
Wait, that's crazy.
I would say that's about 806% proof.
Yeah, this one's 807.
Okay.
It's probably more along the lines.
Yeah, this guy's just funny, by the way.
Guys, I am here in 1865 in a town called Phoenix, Arizona, before it became a big, thriving city.
How can you deny this proof?
I am literally here in Western times, 1865.
Guys, come on now.
How much more proof?
Guys, I am here.
Now I'm thinking he might be nuts.
Is he funny or nuts?
He's funny.
Because he had Museum right in there.
Oh, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Funny guy.
All right, last one.
Hey, G-Dog and King of the Fag Zone.
Where are the show notes now?
Can I get to them?
I gave up on that.
It would be nice to have access to this when I'm trying to red pill my lady and children.
But everything I do, you can just look up.
Like for that one, we showed you his full TikTok page.
I think it would be a good idea to put a link on the censored.tv link page, don't you think?
Ball bag.
Kick Ryan in the fart box for me.
Oh yeah, congrats on the baby Rye guy.
I'll let you kick me in the fart box if it's soft.
A soft kick in the butt?
Yes.
That's what your life is like.
It's a soft kick in the butt.
I don't know whether to take offense to that or not.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
If I catch any of you fuckers alone, I'm going to fucking kill you.
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