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Nov. 5, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:04:44
GOML LIVE #122
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Time Text
Let's come on, there ain't no stretching and jump all outside Victorina.
No go, needle juice, John.
Oh, yeah, I'm just doing all this now.
Ain't no problem with that.
Ripper Live from New York.
Get off my lawn with Devin McGill.
Hello, folks.
Welcome to Get Off My Lawn.
That was Big Frida, a trans entertainer who does that New Orleans stuff.
I forget what that cup tub of music's called.
And of course, the dance hall great Sean Paul from Jamaica Shanapaal.
And Beetlejuice, a man with cranial dysphasia who is a pinhead and is a member of Howard Stern's whack pack.
I'm impressed that they put that song together with massive celebrities and a severely handicapped man.
Like Howard Stern sucks now, but at least his staff is able to pull shit together.
I think that's only a few months old.
I just heard it in the car on the way here.
This is the free portion of the show.
We have sponsors to pay for it, and then we go behind the paywall about half an hour in.
For those of you watching, I'm debuting my new look.
Isn't that exciting, Ryan?
It is.
I should announce Maddie is not here.
He's at a doctor's appointment.
The man has the heart of a metaphorically, he's got the heart of someone with a big heart.
But literally, he has the heart of a 120-year-old man.
He has a defibrillator and a heart monitor on his heart.
So we're lucky to have him at all, but we don't have him tonight.
Yeah, I had an idea for a look in my head, and I've pursued it, and here it is.
Iron and resin.
Now, we're going to get to our first sponsor in a sec, Nita Fashions.
And when you wear a suit, you should wear Nita Fashions.
I was thinking the other day, we should have partnered with them because we're about 70% of their clientele these days.
It is amazing.
We kept them alive during the pandemic.
That's how fruitful it is to be a sponsor on this show.
So let's make this a Nita Fashions commercial while we plug a different company.
True.
We were just there.
Ryan got all suited up.
They have his measurements now.
And now you just sort of phone it in.
You're like, hey, man, I want a tuxedo.
Bye.
And they have all your shit there.
And it just arrives from Hong Kong via FedEx.
I know we should support American business, but a brand new tailored suit in America is like five grand.
And the tailors are getting worse on a daily basis.
It's a dead trade.
It's barely alive in Hong Kong, but at least it still exists.
So sorry, America, you priced me out of the market.
But they show up.
They go on these tours of the states.
Those are back now, but you can still do it via Zoom.
You can do it either way.
Hong Kong is so draconian with COVID that after they're done this tour, the one that we just met them on where we got all measured up, I look terrible in that picture.
And my suit looks like shit because I folded it wrong.
They're stuck in a hotel in Hong Kong for, guess the quarantine, Ryan.
And show your stupid face.
14 days.
Three weeks, 21 days.
In an expensive hotel.
They can't leave their fucking room.
What?
Like, Hong Kong is China, but it's also not China, but it is China.
This sounds pretty China.
They have to get room service.
It's an expensive place.
And the food arrives at their door.
Knock, knock, knock, and they run away.
He's stuck with his two sons for three weeks.
That's weird.
Anyway, they're going to be killing the time with Zoom calls so you can get all sized up and get your cool suits.
He was showing me the Instagram and he's like, that's a fan.
That's a Gavin fan.
That's a Gavin fan.
That's a Gavin fan.
And I said, why do you have an Indian accent?
He's born and raised in Hong Kong.
They speak perfect Mandarin, perfect Cantonese, and they have Indian accents.
And he goes, I don't have an Indian accent.
I go, okay, buddy.
And then I asked his dad, and his dad seemed a little taken aback, but he goes, as Indians stick together.
Isn't that weird?
It is.
Like, imagine you were born here.
Actually, I've seen that in New York City with Chinese.
They'll go to Chinese schools and their English has a Chinese accent, even though they're born and raised in New York.
That's why they smashed the subscribe and they have a lot of shoes that are pure fire.
Wait, did you ever see this guy?
Singaporean white boy.
Who can speak Winglish?
White boy Singlish.
So Taylor, how long have you lived in Singapore?
Singapore, nine years already.
Nine years?
And then before that?
Two years in China, then somehow got five years in the States.
I don't think people should even need the name.
I think it's funny that I'm having this emotion, but I feel like I've been violated.
China, same thing.
They call me Jingfa.
Jingfa, golden hair.
Golden hair.
Can you speak, Mandrid?
Do you still use it these days to get stuff?
Bangrad.
Ooh, not bad.
So, Tyler, if you ever go to a hawker center, I'm sure you speak it.
hooker?
Hooker center?
It's called a brothel, sir.
You're Winglish.
When you go to a brothel, do you speak Chinese?
He used to live in Japanese.
Dude, he has Chinese mannerisms.
It's like when you see these white Muslims in New Zealand and England, and you're like, you chose a culture that oppresses you more?
What?
So yeah, please go to Nita Fashions and mention my name, mention the show, and you get 15% off.
NitaFashions, NitaFashions.com.
You can contact them through their Instagram.
Seems to be the most popular way with you young people.
Anyway, let's get back to what really matters, which is my new look.
Now, I wear suits every day, but on the Saturdays going to the baseball game, you look like an asshole in a suit, right?
Although you didn't in the glory days.
So I got this iron and resin shit.
Look at this jacket.
It looks like a car heart, which is a compliment.
It's better than a car heart.
It's got a thick, it's for motorcycles.
It's got this thick sort of waxy coating to it so you don't get road rash.
And then my shirt underneath is also iron and resin.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
The inside.
Oh, the inside.
I almost forgot.
It's got like a Pendleton inside.
That is luxurious.
So just to recap the whole look, I've got these.
I'm not sure I chose the right pants.
These are just gap pants.
And then I have my resold red wings with the plastic thing on the bottom to prevent the soul wearing out.
These are like six years old, these red wings.
Am I fucking gorgeous or what?
It's a great look.
I lust me.
If I was a girl watching right now of age, from 18 to 80, I would be diddling my bean right now.
Ladies, are you bean diddling?
Are you bediddling?
Turn the volume off.
That'll kill the mood.
But you can just watch this and just diddle that bean.
And if you're a squirter, put a towel down.
And if you're at work or something, I would recommend you, before you watch the show, you go and procure some always with wings.
Maybe two.
And if there's not none around, get a Zwiffer pad.
Put that down there because you're going to be drenching your chair this show.
What do you think about the black undershirt?
I had a green undershirt with this shirt earlier from my boxing gym.
All of this is an homage to the blue collar.
Oh, you're LARPing as a blue collar dude.
No, I'm inventing a new thing.
It's rich guy who isn't ripping it off.
He's accepted that he'll never be part of the crowd.
I don't know where a transmission is.
I jump-started my bike the other day and was pooping my pants because I was so worried about touching the red and blacks together.
I'm a faggot.
So I own it now.
Like I'll wear a Gucci belt with this.
I'll have my Rolex.
I'll have my Gucci wallet.
I'll have my $900 Gucci high tops.
You get it?
You with me?
Oh, me?
Yeah.
Come on.
But you're not rich.
I'm rich.
You're the worst of both worlds.
Me buying this set me back.
You're LARPing as a blue-collar dude.
I'm going down.
You're going up to blue-collar.
Yeah, I'm LARPing as a rich guy LARPing as whatever.
Too many LARPs, dude.
I'm getting overwhelmed.
I can't remember when we started.
What I've done and what I haven't done.
I think it's already 50 minutes in.
Can you just show more of Iron and Resin?
Now, one thing, if you are shopping at that site, I don't know what's with the dudes there.
They've got this sort of California post-skater look, which I guess is what I'm adopting.
You can tell they were hunks in high school.
It's old hunks, which is what I'd like to be known as.
I'd like to be a dilf, please.
But you got to go large.
I'm petite.
I'm 5'10.5, 192 pounds.
This is an extra large that I'm wearing.
And when I wear my iron and resin shirt and jacket, it's still extra large.
It's relatively snug.
Maybe they get them from Japan.
No one LARPs better than the Nips.
Although I just criticized one for LARPing badly.
Correct.
Look at this thing.
Do you have a boner yet, Ryan?
Me personally, I don't.
But I could understand how people would be boned up.
How could you not have a boner for me?
What are you, a fag?
In that case, it's...
Oh, wait.
Now I do.
Oh, there we go.
That's like that time me and Steve were at a film festival to promote my film, The Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants.
And there's a lot of downtime.
So we're hanging out to ski.
We went skiing, and we're hanging out down there at the bottom of the hill.
And Steve bumps into a dude who was riding his mountain bike down the snow.
I didn't know this was a sport, but they go on ice jumps and they mountain bike snow hills.
And Steve and him just bonded immediately because, you know, he's got a motocross background and they're rapping.
And I think they even exchange numbers, which is hard to do with a straight man.
That's the hardest part about moving to a new city is you meet guys, right?
You're accruing new pals.
And then there's that part where you have to go, so anyway, what's your phone number?
I should call you.
Let's get out of this bar and take our friendship to the next level.
It's really gay.
It's hard.
You have to say like, oh yeah, yeah, when I go to that place, I'll text you.
And be like, oh, yeah, give me your number real quick.
Ooh, that's weird.
I find the best way is you have some dumb meme and then you're like, can you send that to me?
Oh.
You know what sucks?
Having to hide that I have a social media presence because people think I'm just like a nice, not mildly, jokingly racist guy.
And then they're like, oh, what's your Instagram?
And I'm like, oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, try being me.
I'm way more important than you.
That's correct.
You know what I did once?
I told you at that bar, that airport bar at JFK, the Retro 50s one.
I was talking to a guy all night.
We got drunk.
And I could tell he was a lefty.
And then at the very end of the night, I just said, I'm David McKinsey.
I invented the Prow Boys.
And then left.
Oh, I wish I could do that.
You were talking to Satan.
That feels great.
But wait, we have an Unturned Stone here.
And this is one of the.
What's that?
Blue collar fashion, the OG.
Okay.
Oh, great.
Now you made me totally forget what I was fucking talking about, Ryan.
I thought it was your outfit.
Boner?
It's gay to have a boner.
Your friends were...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So Steve, Steve is talking to that guy.
And then I was noticing this dude.
He was kind of frumpy.
He had on like slobby clothes, kind of like this kind of vibe.
And he had on moccasins, and his hair was kind of in his eyes, and he had a bit of a beard.
And he was talking to some old ladies.
I don't know if they were his mom's friends or his grandma's friends, but he was making them laugh.
And after both guys left, I go, did you see that guy talking to the old ladies?
He seemed kind of cool.
He goes, what?
I wasn't even sure if that was a dude.
I thought it was a lesbian.
And he goes, look at the kind of guy I'm into.
And look at the kind of guy you're into, you fucking fag.
What a salient point.
Isn't that awesome?
He was calling me a fag.
Because you like a different type of dude.
Yeah, it's like the dude who does drunk history did a sketch a long time ago, or he wrote it.
I can't remember if he ever made it, but it was this guy, and he was hanging out with his girlfriend, and they all go, aha, you fag, hanging out with your girlfriend.
Oh, I want to be my girl.
Meanwhile, we're all going to the fucking pub, you pussy.
And then the next time they see him, he's with a dude who's a leather fag.
This is a very gay episode, isn't it?
A little bit.
And he goes, hey, guys, what's up?
And then the other sketch he wrote, this is Derek, what's his name, Waters, was they call this guy and they go, hey, man, come hang out.
And he goes, I'm with my girlfriend.
And they go, you fucking fag.
And he goes, it's her funeral.
Funny guy.
Let's talk briefly about tactical walls.
We've had them here.
We have tactical walls in our studio.
And it's bittersweet because they're cool.
But Ryan ruined his by displaying t-shirts in the stupidest, weirdest way imaginable.
But it's bittersweet because tactical walls is usually used to display guns.
We are here in the South Bronx where we're not allowed to have guns.
Although there's some crazy shit going on with New York State.
Have you heard this?
New York City will never change, but they might be making it easier for concealed carry just outside of the state where I live in Westchester.
That'd be cool.
Hell yeah, it would.
I have no idea.
You should be showing tactical walls behind me, dude.
We're doing a commercial.
I have no idea.
No idea.
What it feels like to walk around with a gun.
It must feel, it must change you.
You know what I mean?
Knowing no one can hurt you.
You must just be like, Superman.
Just calm down.
Sir, I don't have a problem with you.
It's unfortunate you have a problem with me.
I wish you would calm down.
I don't want to have to use my superpowers that are on my hips.
So that's Tactical Walls in all its glory.
TacticalWalls.com.
It's vet owned, vet-run, and made in America.
This guy used to work for a plastic manufacturer, and then he started buying the machines that made the plastic shapes.
We'll deal with that another time around.
And then he started his own company.
He makes those sheets himself.
Like he digs those grooves with the machines.
These machines cost like hundreds of thousands, but they pay themselves back.
And so when you go to Tactical Walls and you get all their cool ways to hide guns in shelves and mirrors and cabinets and Kleenex boxes, the issue box, my favorite part of this whole thing, you are supporting American business.
And if you buy anything from a sponsor of our show, you're supporting free speech and the show.
I mean, it's like a quadruple whammy.
So go there, use the promo code Gavin, and you get, I believe it's 20% off.
Maybe I should read the text here.
Yes, 20% off all orders at tacticalwalls.com.
All right, I've already covered my look.
We covered the election yesterday, which is exciting.
I don't know.
I kind of feel like I live in Africa, and the fact that they stole New Jersey at 2 in the morning, but we got Virginia makes me happy.
It's like I knew Mugabe was going to win again, but at least our little district of Zimbabwe got some justice.
That's how bad it is.
We're sitting there with our bowls going, more gruel, sir.
And we get a little bit of justice.
And we go, thank you, thank you for Virginia.
But it has been fun watching the meltdowns.
Should we jump into the mailbag?
We could.
Is that crazy?
I feel a little sidetracked here without Maddie Odell.
Yeah.
And we don't usually cover news.
Yes, let's do it.
Let's do some mailbags.
Mailbag?
Let's read some letters because the people who tune in to the free part never hear our letters and they don't know about our viewers.
So how could they ever want to become one?
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dent.
Let's turn our eyes together's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
An eagle in the hands of the left.
Your mic just went.
Oh, wait.
Maybe that's my headphones?
My headphones.
Hello?
Hello?
We're good.
Check.
Can you check?
Scary.
This one's kind of far down, Ryan, because it updated as I was looking.
So this one's from yesterday.
When the left is in charge of America, America is just confused as to how it got there.
And then it has a woman holding the bird, which is the bald eagle.
And he's just sort of going, this is a fantastic photo.
I think it might, we might need to make it a painting.
Hello?
Can you do your job at some point today?
I'm scrolling.
American the Handle.
Okay, I got it.
Oh, that only took you an hour.
Nice job.
Still going, still waiting.
Okay, this is perfect.
This is an oil painting.
We have a fat, deranged pig who can't even dye her hair purple correctly.
Ladies, take it from someone who was punk throughout the 80s.
You need to put Vaseline or something along your skin line so the dye doesn't seep into your skin.
Now you have a purple scalp with purple dripping down your head.
You look like Juliani doing a press conference.
So that's pathetic.
She also can't dress, right?
She's in her sweats.
She's also overindulged.
I can't express how gross it is to see fat women.
There's like women who are slightly overweight, they had kids or whatever.
But when you see a fat, disgusting pig like this, you think the Lord didn't just give you life like he gave Ryan and I. We have bodies.
Thank you for that, by the way.
Thank you for the lungs that work and all that.
But when you're a woman, he gave you this innate beauty.
Well, what about ugly women?
There's really no such thing.
If your hair is long, you put on a little bit of makeup, and you're not disgustingly obese, you're a sex at worst.
You think of the, of course there's some exceptions, like Tarana Burke.
I was just going to say that.
I don't know if she could do anything to rescue that mess.
But for the most part, with all the hair extensions and eyelashes, like you can be, and that's a freak.
Yeah, that doesn't count.
It doesn't count.
She's not ugly.
She's deformed.
That's like saying a burn victim is ugly.
So, yeah, you have a gift when you're a woman.
And then to see this woman, like this, this picture, looking at this woman, we should stay specific before we go wandering off and showing handicapped people in Bally.
You could tell that that could be a seven.
And she's just throwing it all down the drain and she's a four.
Standing next to a diarrhea pond.
Now, that's just the beginning of this amazing picture.
So a big problem I find with America is female empowerment.
It feels like affirmative action.
You have all these women getting in fields they don't belong, like pretending there's such a thing as a female rabbi, rewriting the Jewish religion just for fun, you stupid bitch.
There's no female rabbis.
There's no female priests.
There's no female clerics.
If you're Goyim and your son is Jewish and your husband's Jewish, your son's not Jewish.
The mom has to be Jewish.
You can't keep rewriting the rules.
You cannot be a Catholic and be pro-choice.
I'm sorry.
So anyway, that's all facts, but this is opinion now.
My sexist perspective is that women don't do well in men's fields generally.
And politics is a numbers game.
And numbers is a man's game generally.
We have more testosterone.
We're able to concentrate more.
And women are bad at math.
And if you're bad at math, you're bad at politics because you need the numbers.
How many illegals are here?
How long have the borders been broken open?
What year was that?
You know what I mean?
All of that is totally relevant to the discussion of any political thing.
And they're also easy prey for these solipsistic scam artists who say, I want to help the poor.
If you're against welfare, you're against the poor.
If you don't vote for me, you're racist.
Just today I was thinking about that dude, Marty Gold, who was a state senator in New York for 15 years.
And then this guy, Guandares, took over because the globalists funded him.
And the way he won was he mailed a letter to everyone in the 22nd district of Brooklyn, which is all crops and firemen, that said, this guy's a proud boy.
It's totally made up, but it worked.
And the guy won.
Knocked out of a, yeah, that guy.
What's his name?
Marty Golden.
Marty Golden.
You're Golden, Marty.
Knocked out of 15 years of a cop and fireman district of Brooklyn because of a Proud Boy allegation that was not true.
And that's women.
I'm sorry.
All right.
So she's obese.
It's disgusting.
Women are...
I hate to say women are ruining America because actual women, housewives, women who are normal and women who represent the kind of moms that we had when we were young.
Like kindergarten teachers used to see boys being rambunctious and they'd go, boys will be boys.
Now they see it as a sin, a vice.
Now they think the kid needs Adderall or he needs some sort of concentration drugs, needs to sit down.
They're anti-male and they sit there and they brainwash our kids and they say Trump sucks and they have this political agenda.
So when I say women suck, I'm really talking about the shit chests, the broken robots.
I'm not talking about women in their true form.
I'm talking about what we've done to them, really.
And when I talk about young girls, I mean only fans.
We've turned them into sluts.
They're colostomy bags for strangers come.
And when I talk about older women, I'm talking about these political activist women like Amy Siskind who wage domestic terror campaigns on their neighbors and tell their kids they can't hang out with other kids because of this and that.
And they ex people and they don't invite them to Thanksgiving or Christmas because they've committed some sort of political sin.
That's someone who's not really into politics.
You know what I mean?
Like people who are good at politics, they can handle differences of opinions.
Like Anthony Scalia, he was friends with RBG Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
They had different opinions on everything, but he can handle it.
Anyway, get back to this picture.
I'm not done.
And speaking of victims, like Justin Trudeau is the stupidest, well, I used to say this a lot, but now I'm thinking Biden might be worse.
Justin Trudeau and Joe Biden are neck and neck when it comes to worst and stupidest politician of all time.
Joe Biden got elected because everyone hated Trump because they thought he was sexist like me, and that was women.
Justin Trudeau got elected because he's a hunk.
That's it.
He's attractive.
So that's what women do at the polls.
They vote with their pussies, and it's not going well for Canada nor America.
And by the way, white women are being blamed for the Virginia victory.
And I think those women are more the initial good woman I was talking about, the housewives.
And their mommy instincts came out when they said critical race theory is important and we have too many white teachers.
And these housewives, the real women, said, um, fuck you.
I'm getting involved.
So the Virginia election is an interesting dichotomy with the bad woman I'm talking about, who is represented by her, and the good women who protect their children and care about them.
And then we have America wrapped up in a blanket that it doesn't want, ostensibly being rescued, but we're not sure, and wondering what the fuck is going on.
Of course, this whole analogy falls apart when this woman is actually probably helping that bird.
I maybe shouldn't have spent 20 minutes on an analogy that falls apart at the very end because that bird will be better off with her intervention.
Whoops.
It looks like she's been taking care of the bird, which is the bald eagle, for a long time.
She's kind of sick of it.
She's like, yeah, I got it.
Thanks a lot, baby monster, who sent this in.
You just made me look like a moron because I went off on a 20-minute diatribe that does not end well for me.
All right, let's.
And this is the problem with live shows because I can't edit out that stupidity.
I also spent the entire time talking about stupid people, and then I end up being the stupidest one of all.
Embarrassing.
We're not afraid of the truth here on censored.tv.
Yeah, that's how we'll spin it.
No matter where it leads.
Yeah.
Even when we end up fucked on it hoisted on our own retard.
What is a petard, by the way?
I think it's a spear.
Oh, okay.
I don't know how you hoist yourself on your own petard.
How the fuck are you so shitty at petarding that you end up hoisting yourself?
Yeah, what are you, a retarded petard?
Yeah, you fucking petard.
How do you hoist your...
Pull up a picture of hoisting yourself on your own petard.
I understand how you shoot yourself in the foot.
That's a better analogy.
But you hoist it.
Show a picture.
Find someone hoisted on their own petard.
Hoisted on...
I thought it was more of a spear.
It looks like it's more of a hooky thing.
That makes a little more sense.
Although, don't you have to really hook it in?
Hoisted on a petard.
Wait.
That's a petard.
So is it a hoist?
Well, we're really getting lost.
Etymology.
Okay, here we go.
No, no, I don't want to see an example of the analogy, Ryan.
Here we go.
The primary purpose of a petard was to blow up a door.
Its crude construction and gunpowder explosive made it not unlikely to blow up the bomber instead, hence being hoist on one's own petard.
Wow, I wasn't even close.
So there's no hoist, there's no fear.
Gavin is a petard episode.
I got to take some of those Joe Rogan pills.
Well, your blue-collar guys don't know bullshit like this.
Yeah, I'm blue-collar, man.
I was busy working all day.
You think I got time to look up petards?
I don't fucking know.
What the fuck?
Is that from like 200 years ago?
I was fucking replacing a four on the floor with a souped up Hemi.
Hey, Sergei.
This thing doesn't fucking work.
Sergei!
It's Siri, Dad.
Matt Walsh does watch your show.
By the way, that was a terrible impersonation of what a dad would do because you don't have one, so you don't know how they act.
That's why I don't know.
I have no reference.
Matt Walsh does watch your show, video proof.
Hey, Gavin Rai, you were right when you speculated that Matt Walsh watches your show.
When talking about the black guy punching the white woman on the subway, he almost sings, can you imagine if the races were reversed?
P.S., you are a bear and you eat in the garbage.
He's referring, of course, to the mentally ill tree planter I had when I was a tree planting foreman in Northern Ontario.
He was a professor at MIT who taught astrophysics.
And he lost his mind.
He became three people, John, which was himself, the Nietzschean ubermensch, and Snuggles the dog.
And the Nietzschean ubermensch and Snuggles were constantly at each other's throats with the ubermensch saying, do you want to die?
And Snuggles going, no, no, I don't want to die, usually portrayed as sock puppets.
And one of the most brutal insults that the Ubermensch would give Snuggles is, you are a bear and you eat in the garbage.
And I would hear him yelling this from his tent at night.
I miss him.
I was just talking to my wife about that.
This is in my book, Death of the Cool.
But there was a scene when I showed up and he's just staring into space.
And, oh yeah, he had written, I didn't realize this at the time, but I found out later, he had written the word John over five square miles.
I'd given him this massive piece of land to just do trees for weeks and weeks.
And instead, he just wrote John so God would see it when the trees grew.
And John is his name and it's the first name in the Bible.
So he feels a close link to God.
And so I just see it like a tree, then a whole thing of trees, then no trees, then some trees, because I'm in the letter J. And I go, John, what the fuck is going on here?
He goes, hello.
And he goes, who are you?
I go, who am I?
I'm Gavin.
I see you every day.
You get fucking 10 cents for those.
So you better move fast.
10 cents a tree.
And he goes, what are you doing here?
And I go, well, I'm a tree planter.
We plant trees.
When people excavate land, when they scarify the land, they need to replenish the soil with new trees.
So they take the loggers, have to pay a commission to the government, and the government pays us to replant the trees.
And he goes, oh, that's interesting.
And then he goes, one of my favorite lines of my entire life, he goes, is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
No, John.
An unfathomably tiny percentage of This planet is made up of tree planters.
Maybe 1,000 globally, I would say.
Not a big percentage of the seven bill.
Anyway, sorry, I'm off at a tangent here, and I have no idea how long we've been talking for.
But second letter.
And again, if we're going by one standard here, we know that if the races were reversed, certainly everybody would be saying that.
Can you imagine a large white man punching a black woman in the face?
I don't know.
That's paltry evidence.
Oh, wait, did it go?
Here it is.
Can you imagine if the races were reversed?
Oh.
Oh, that was stupid.
That sounded exactly like me.
Dead on.
And then he includes schoolboys in lingerie give their principal a lap dance.
Oh, that's the episode that we watched.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm caught up.
Sorry.
Which is pretty wild.
Yeah, it is.
I mean, I'm of two minds about that whole thing, too, because the old me goes, oh, shut up.
It's a bunch of people dressed up in stumb costumes and they're joking around with their teachers, giving them a lap dance.
And it's what a lot of lefties would call homophobic to dress up as a woman.
And I'm sure lefties are outraged by that.
But then on the other hand, with this massive gayification of our students, I go, why are you dressing up kids?
And they're not kids.
They're like 17.
Why are you dressing up kids as women?
I guess what I'm saying is if they were doing offensive shit across the board, then I'd be laughing and enjoying it.
It's the fact that they're only offensive when it fits the left's agenda that pisses me off.
Maybe I'm jealous that they get to be offensive and I don't.
This is called The Black Lips.
I feel like you must know this band, but I've never seen you mention them.
The Black Lips seem like they're right up your alley.
Yes, we're good friends.
We were both at Scott Campbell's wedding.
They played, and Scott used to do my tattoos.
He doesn't speak to me anymore, of course, because of Trump.
But Vice signed The Black Lips.
And we wanted to make their album The Last of the White Niggers.
Wow.
Which was a Lester Bangs t-shirt he used to wear.
And Vice said no, and I was on my way out.
And I said, sorry, boys, you're on your own.
I can't help you get this cool title.
Is this Dirty Hands?
Oh, their best song is Dirty Hands.
But yeah, thank you for telling me about a band I discovered.
I really appreciate it.
Viewers at home, this is the problem with being half a century old, is you've been around for so long.
I'm such a pop culture vampire that people go, hey, have you heard of this thing called punk?
And I go, yeah, I was there when it began.
Want to hear a retarded thought I had today?
Yes.
I was looking at this picture of Jane Fonda when she was arrested in 1970.
This is how dumb I am, how shitty my brain is, probably from boxing.
This is what pugilistic dementia sounds like.
So I saw her mugshot from 1970, and I thought, holy shit, she's beautiful.
What a looker.
I love her hair.
I love everything about her.
I wish I could have fucked her.
I guess I could...
Could I have fucked her back then?
How old was I?
And then I was like, I was born in 1970, so I'd just be a newborn.
I probably wouldn't be able to get it in her.
I wouldn't be able to fuck her because my dick would be all soft and baby-ish.
That's a man's brain.
Maybe when you're five and then she's five years older from this point.
Well, now we're getting into pedophilia and you're losing the human being.
When you're a baby, it's not pedophilia.
But as soon as you're one, now you're on the market for.
Well, when I'm a newborn, it's ridiculous enough to be funny.
Children are raped at five.
So you just took my super funny, weird millisecond thought and you turned it into literally the worst thing in the world.
This is her in 75.
So I'd like to fuck that now.
Actually, I think I would.
You know, I think I would fuck her now, but I wouldn't because I'm married.
But I'll tell you what I would do.
If Oprah wanted to fuck me, I would fuck her and I would tell my wife, we're doing this, honey.
Sorry.
Because it would be the greatest story of all time.
No matter what happens, whether it went good or bad, I'm going to have the I fucked Oprah story to take to my grave.
We're obviously not going to fall in love and elope.
This isn't like that movie where Robert De Niro offers a million dollars to fuck that guy's wife.
There's no risk of it going anywhere.
So I'm just going to, it'll be like, I don't know, living with elephants for a year.
Well, I wouldn't do that.
I'd miss my kids.
This is one of the weirdest episodes we've ever done.
What are you doing?
He kissed Jane Fonda.
Yeah.
That was weird.
That's like a real kiss.
Snitching is a little faggy, but to paraphrase Nietzsche, you are a bear and you eat in the garbage.
No, why not be a fag once in a while?
This guy, Clip Clipperson, is making money off your content on YouTube.
Thought you'd like to know.
Yeah, I was just checking him out today, too.
Enjoying snippets.
And I was realizing something interesting about the workforce.
He's doing a great service to this site by advertising us on YouTube, which is the number one video source in the world, more than television.
And he's only using short clips.
So I love him for that.
And this is something that we would normally, a company would allot a budget for.
It could be a full-time job.
Probably not.
Probably like a 30K a year job, 20K a year.
But in today's society, people do work that they love for free.
And that's what's amazing about the modern workforce.
I mean, you think about pre-computers.
Everyone had to do so much filing of papers and a lot of bullshit they hated.
But a lot of jobs now are kind of cool.
And the fact that you get paid for them is just sort of a made-up number.
And I noticed this with Vice in the early days.
I'd say, can you stay this weekend?
We'll give you a bonus.
And they go, okay, how much?
$400.
Oh, great.
And then as time went on into the, like, say, early aughts, I'd say, can you work this weekend?
No.
Okay, I'll give you 400 bucks.
We got to finish this proposal.
No.
4,000 bucks?
No.
40,000?
I'm lying now.
I'm not going to pay that, but I just want to see what the number is.
No number.
Zoomers do not see money as an incentive.
So work has changed so drastically, even in the past 25 years.
Like computers ostensibly freed up half the day, right?
We don't have to file shit.
Like I was looking up some news item, that woman who got attacked on August 22nd at the anti-vax thing in Olympia, Washington.
How hard would that have been for me to dig up?
I'd have to go to some stupid library and look through their microfiche for hours.
I didn't even remember the day.
I didn't even remember the year.
I'd be there for a week.
Now I just go photographer attacked, Olympia, done.
Got it.
Found it.
All right, I think we're running out of time here.
So we're going to do one last thing, and then we're going to go behind the paywall.
Let's talk about another veteran-owned company, Beard Vet.
Beard Vet has a great beard grooming and coffee.
El Diablo Coffee Blend, Brazilian Roast Blend.
We have Beard Vet here at the studio for our coffee, and we also have the products for this, for combing the beard.
Look at that stuff.
We're Beard Vet dudes.
So if you go to beardvet.com, this is all American, American-run, American-owned, made in America, 50% off all orders when you use the promo code Gavin.
And Sean, the owner of BeardVet, is one of us.
Good egg.
We like him.
And again, you're drinking coffee.
So why not get your coffee from someone who is a veteran, who supports free speech, who supports this show?
It's like I say with my glasses guy.
When I was getting my new prescription, I found it he was MAGA, and I just went, and he knows me, and he knows the show.
I went, okay, I have my glasses guy forever.
My watch guy loves Trump.
I'm like, okay, I got my watch guy forever.
I'll get my watch repaired with him in 100 years from now.
Once you find your people, you stick together, especially now that we're in an American divorce and half the country wants to break up with us.
Okay, bye.
Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out and don't think you're getting the kids because you're not.
And as we get back to when we leave and go behind the paywall, we want you to know that we'll be doing much funner stuff than you've seen here.
There'll be much less gay references.
There will not be a 50-minute analogy that blows up in my face.
And I will not be getting ancient things like petards wrong.
So.
Whoa.
Why?
That blows your mind?
No.
Oh, boy.
What's going on?
Was this not recording?
Are we not broadcasting?
No, I got very important text.
Oh, good.
Well, if you're tuning in, folks, for important news, make sure you watch Get Off My Lawn, where the engineer, I guess he is, will tell you about his personal life and talk about text.
I got to receive.
I got to go.
Because her water just broke.
Your wife's water just broke?
Yep.
Well, you can't go.
We've got to do another hour show.
I have to go?
No, you don't.
I literally have to go.
No, you literally don't.
I'm like, this is a very important moment.
I got to go.
Dude, when her water breaks, she has another five hours.
It's all about the contractions.
No, I got to go.
No, you don't.
I do.
We can finish the show.
Did she even ask you to go?
Sometimes they don't want you to.
Yeah, I have to.
I got to go.
I got to go.
Dude, don't go.
Trust me.
It's going to be...
The baby's not coming out for five hours.
We have one more hour to do.
You're making a huge mistake.
I'm nervous.
I got to.
Yeah, that makes sense that you're nervous.
That's normal.
Calm down.
Call her and say, does she want you to go?
Let me just...
I'll keep it recording.
I'll just keep it recording and then I'll.
Dude, if you walk out of this door right now just because of some stupid baby bullshit, you're fired.
You're kidding me.
I have to.
I need to go.
That literally happened.
Dude, don't walk out the door.
We have another hour to go.
We ended it an hour last time.
No, that was important last week.
I really have to go.
Dude, she killed me.
Your death or fire?
Call her right now.
I promise you she's going to stay.
Wait.
Just hit the button when you're done.
Is this on?
Check, check, check.
How do I do this now?
If this is recording and I do a good job, then why have Ryan around?
I guess the imitations are funny.
Well, there you have it, folks.
Our engineer has left the building.
Look, am I fucking blurry?
You, Camera.
You're one of the worst parts of this show.
I hate how you never have this fucking person focused.
I guess we'll try to continue the show without Ryan.
Ryan is left to have a baby.
He's not going to literally have a baby.
The baby's in his wife, and she's going to be, it's going to be coming out.
I believe they had to induce pregnancy because it took too long.
I'd want to stay in there too if my dad was Ryan Katsu Rivera.
This is a guy who sucks so bad that his dad left him when he was three years old.
So we'll try to do the show not blurry, by myself.
Okay, so I'll walk over there.
I'm going to walk over there at camera one and camera one.
I guess you are supposed to leave when your wife's water breaks, right?
It's kind of a big deal.
So I guess we can't do calls tonight because I have no one to field the calls.
We might not have a show tomorrow, too.
I mean, you don't come back to work the very next day, right?
When you have a baby?
Paternity leave should be one day.
I think I have some saved-up sit-downs we could do.
And I may have a banked episode or two.
I think I have a long interview with Jack Murphy in the fancy studio.
We could play tomorrow.
Gentlemen, having a baby is a big deal.
It's an important stage in your life.
Before we just give up on this show entirely, I'd like to take a brief moment to help you through this.
Ryan, maybe you can watch this somehow in the archives.
You could be there for a long time.
I mean, we've all heard stories about the baby in the taxicab, but I've been, one of my kids took like 15 hours.
My wife did the first kid, my daughter, at Beth Israel.
She did it naturally.
Imagine that.
It looks like it hurts real bad.
Here's the key, though.
I'm remembering it all now.
Here's the key.
And I should have told this to Ryan before.
You deal with the pain in small spurts.
So don't say, never say to her, like, it's going to only be another 12 hours, honey.
In fact, I do that at the boxing gym to fuck with dudes.
When I can tell they're exhausted and the round is down to like 30 seconds, I go like, just another minute and a half, guys, you got this.
And you can see them go, a minute and a half, fucking a half.
I thought it was down to, yeah.
So if you tell your wife that it's going to be really long, you're doing what I just did to the guys in the gym to break their spirits.
So don't do that.
What you do is each contraction is like a mountain, right?
So you say to her, you're like, we're getting over the, we've got to get over this hill, babe.
We got to get over the hill.
We can do it.
We can do it.
We're near the top.
And she's like, ah, ah, ah.
I'd imagine it's sort of like maybe like someone sinking a knife into you and then twisting it.
And so she's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, and you go, we're almost there.
We're almost there, babe.
We're up at the top.
We're up at the top.
We're up at the top.
And then you can tell, you can see in her eyes when she's getting to the top of the contraction, like, like, we're there, we're at the top, we're at the top.
And then you go, we're done.
It's sort of like food poisoning, right?
When you have food poisoning, you barf your guts out and you go, okay, I think I'm done now.
Oh, God, that sucked.
Oh, boy.
And then 30 minutes later, you go, I'm starting to feel shitty again.
And then 40 minutes later, you go, I feel like I'm going to barf again.
But then you start brainwashing yourself, going, no, I'm not.
It's not that bad.
And then 50 minutes in, you go, who are we kidding?
This is definitely coming.
And then you go back to the toilet at 55.
And then you go, oh, what's worse than those five minutes before you barf when you've been waiting for this for an hour and you're like, here we go, here we go.
That's what a contraction, I would guess, is like.
So small picture, one day at a time, one contraction at a time.
So just focus on that one little bit.
You're just getting through that.
Here's another thing I found that helped is talk about how this has happened like 20 billion times.
You're not the first person to have a baby.
So, and it works out.
Actually, don't say that it always works out because then she'll be thinking of stillbirths and miscarriages and stuff.
But just say like, this is nothing new.
This has happened billions and billions of times.
It's okay.
All species, they all do it.
We're going to get through this.
Calm down.
You got this.
You got this.
You're awesome.
Positive reinforcement.
The epidural is what a lot of women do to chicken out.
My wife did it for the second two kids.
I shouldn't have said chicken out.
I feel blasphemous.
But the natural birth, I think, is something cool to experience.
But, you know, so is running to all-around Manhattan three times in the new.
Not something that everyone should do per se, but I get that it's a cool experience.
But the problem with the epidural is if you go too early, then you're kind of paralyzed.
It's a painkiller.
And now you can't push as well.
And that's when they do a cesarean, which is not the end of the world.
I was born from a cesarean.
I turned out great.
But then she has a big scar in her belly.
And I don't know.
Plus, cesarean's not a small deal.
It's a very safe thing.
Look, we're living in a medical world where Maddie has fucking cameras go up his crotch to his heart, check, burn a hole, and then come back out.
So, and that's the, the guy does three of those a day.
So that's nothing.
So a cesarean is both a big deal and a small deal at the same time.
It's a big deal because they cut you open, they remove all your fucking entrails, then get the baby, then put it all back, stitch it up.
That sounds like a big deal to me, but as far as the hospital goes, it's boring.
But I don't know, you want to avoid that, right?
And another thing I noticed was you got to sort of stay out of their hair.
Like the biggest mistakes I've made so far is the worst thing I ever did to my wife when she was giving birth was I drank her Gatorade.
But I was so hungover that I needed moisture.
And there it was just sitting there.
And there was no Gatorade down the hall.
There was no vending machines, and she wasn't drinking it.
And I was like, You want some of your Gatorade?
You want to freshen up?
She's like, No, no, no.
And I was like, Wow, this chick really doesn't want that Gatorade.
So after maybe five hours of standing there, I fucking totaled it.
And then she still hasn't had the baby.
And she's like, Where's my Gatorade?
Can I get the Gatorade?
And I went, ah, it was stolen.
A black guy came in and stole it.
He's in a gang.
And she whipped it at my head.
The other thing I did wrong was I had a, yeah, it was going to be a long time, we could tell.
And I went to go get her slippers, which are, you're not finding slippers at 10 p.m.
It was a fool's errand.
But I went to the pub and I had like three shots and a pint.
And I came back and I had a cool buzz going, sorry, babe, no slippers around.
And she was sitting on a medicine ball, not a medicine ball, one of those bouncy balls, those inflatable balls.
And she had like a pad on it, like the same, like a pee pad.
I guess they don't want cunt juice on their bouncy balls.
So that was on that.
And the way it was draped, I go, I said something like, that's actually a Muslim ball.
In Islam, they make sure that all the balls are covered appropriately so people don't sexualize them.
And she's sitting on it.
I think she's nude at the time, or maybe she just has on that robe.
And she's like, don't fucking talk about Muslims.
She wasn't into my edgy comedy when her body was getting ripped to shreds and a baby was coming out.
What else should I say?
Don't circumcise them, especially if they're women.
That's gross.
You know, in the old days when I was young, female circumcision was just a rock and they'd still have some of the clit left.
Now it's a scalpel doing it.
They get 101% of the clit.
It's really bad news.
I know a guy who dated a woman who was female circumcised and after he was done fucking her, he would lie on his stomach.
She would get on his back and she would push up and plop down.
So her cunt would hit his tailbone.
And that's how she got off.
With male circumcision, I was just thinking about that today.
I always say the guys, why'd you cut your son's dick off?
And they go, oh, I don't know.
It's cleanliness.
I go, it was cleanliness back before we had showers.
Now, you're not going to get dick cheese.
You just wash your penis.
Even if you don't have a shower, you got a wet wipe.
And it takes about a week to get dick cheese going.
So, well, I don't know.
It looks better.
It looks better.
First of all, when a penis is erect, circumcised, non-circumcised, they look exactly the same because the skin recedes.
You can't tell which guy is circumcised.
And if you're a young man dating woman and a woman sees your penis, it's erect.
There's no like 17-year-olds walking around nude with a girl like, hey, lady, what's up?
So she's not going to see it flaccid until you're already dating, at which point women don't care.
I will concede that my elephant trunk flaccid on a cold day looks worse than a circumcised penis.
It looks like a funny elephant trunk.
But penises look funny.
Like no woman has ever diddled or bean thinking about a bag.
They do it at me, an old bag, but they've never like looked at us.
No one's talked about a guy's scrotum.
He's got a really nice scrotum.
And even when they say a nice penis, they mean erect.
No one talks about a man's flaccid penis.
So then you're left with the, oh, I don't know, I wanted it to look like mine.
Why?
I saw my dad's dick like maybe three times in my life, and he doesn't give a shit about being naked.
And we had a pool.
So is it for the penis photo shoots you guys do together?
Is it for the Christmas card?
Your annual Christmas card you like to be nude on?
So don't circumcise your kid.
And if you have any doubts still about that, just look up Circumcision Tray.
I wonder if I could do that right now.
Let's see how good we are without Ryan, because he selfishly is at some hospital, because some lady had her water broke.
Ew.
Okay, well back in the studio.
Blurry as can be.
Now I look up circumcision tray.
I bet I'm even faster than him, even not knowing what the fuck I'm doing.
And now I think I go to camera this one.
Image.
No, this is all the shit they use to do the thing.
That's the tray the tools are on.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's the baby holder I'm looking for.
Yeah.
Now we're talking.
So you're going to put your son in that, are you?
That sound good?
Strap him in there.
Strap his legs down.
Strap his hands down as you sever his penis?
Not gonna do it.
Don't do it.
Ryan's having a girl, I believe, though.
So they're definitely not gonna circumcise her.
But what an archaic, bizarre ritual.
And people go, well, it's Jewish and it's Muslim and whatever.
Really?
Then why are so many Christians doing it?
Do you know why they're fucking doing it?
Because some asshole named Dr. Joseph Kellogg, the man behind Kellogg's cornflakes, he goes, young men are too horny.
That is true.
I remember praying to God for help to stop masturbating when I was like 60.
Because you're just fucking, you're addicted.
You're addicted to your dick.
But that's just the way God designed us.
He thought that we would be so broke that we'd need kids at that age.
So he made us our horniest there, thinking, all right, you're going to be at war, you're going to die.
Like, we haven't quite caught up.
We've only been this affluent for, what, two generations?
So it's going to take a while for our libido to catch up and be delayed a little bit.
But anyway, Dr. Joseph Kellogg decided to make our penises feel less good, then we'll be less horny and we won't be jerking off all the time.
You're trying, it's actually the same motive behind female circumcision, right?
You want to make the women less sexual, so you cut their clits off.
Dr. Joseph Kellogg wanted men, young boys, to be less sexual, teenage boys.
Fuck you.
And it works.
It feels less good.
I mean, think about it.
Say you have a band-aid around your finger for like three weeks and then you take it off, that skin's going to be sensitive.
I've had a band-aid on my head of my penis for 51 years.
Now, I will concede that I'm not exactly a marathon man when it comes to fornicating.
So, yeah, I guess circumcised guys do last longer, but do you really want to last longer?
I mean, it's like my dad's favorite joke.
How do you make a woman come?
Who cares?
You could just eat her out anyway if you really wanted to.
Here's another important, well, I guess I'll go back to the desk.
Here's another important tip.
I couldn't give this to Ryan because he's a chink and they can't digest alcohol.
But you gotta, you need a bus, dude.
No one wants to talk to you.
It's not like you're hanging out with your wife and you can say things like, huh, what's with the kids?
They like the pixelated video games more than the really realistic video games.
Why do you think that is?
Kids like simplicity?
Is it an aesthetic thing?
Do you think it can't be nostalgia?
They're too young to have experienced the original wave of eight-pit pixelated.
No, shut up.
So you have to stand there and shut up.
It's like working on a movie set, right?
You're waiting to rush, rushing to wait.
You got to hold her hand.
You got to do that one thing.
Those two things I told you where you say, this has been done billions of times and we're going through this particular contraction.
Outside of that, you're not wanted or needed.
So you're just sitting in a chair or standing there.
Actually, you don't sit in a chair because you can't be like, oh my God, my legs are so tired.
I got to sit down.
I'm in so much pain.
Obviously, you can't say that.
Your lower back's going to hurt.
So one crucial thing I say to guys is you need arch support.
You need comfy shoes.
Do not go to the hospital in boots.
Not even fucking Red Wings.
You want to go there in Nike's, which is short for Nike.
You want to go there in New Balance.
And you need a flask.
So I would try to do an errand when you can go and get a buzz.
I don't fucking care if it's 9 a.m.
And I would secretly have a flask ready.
Don't show her.
I wonder if I got inside pockets on this.
Oh, I got a nice inside pocket.
Perfect for a flask.
And then every time you go pee, you just kill it.
Now you cannot be visibly drunk.
Obviously, if you slur, you're a fucking dead man.
But you just, you need a buzz to kill the time.
And plus, I don't want to trivialize what the lady's going through, but it's kind of hard for you too, you know.
Let's accept that what she's going through is a million times worse than what you're going through.
Okay, done.
But I'm still going through a thing.
Like if you punch me in the face and then stab the person next to me, I still got punched in the face.
So it's kind of emotionally harrowing.
You're seeing your wife get ripped to shreds.
Oh my God.
I'm so glad we recorded this and I remembered the most important detail by light years.
Dudes, don't look.
Holy shit, do not look.
There'll be a green sort of a blanket there.
And if it's 15 hours, you're like, hmm, I might go check.
It's unfathomable what they do to her cunt, what the baby does.
I mean, it's like this.
And you see it all stretched out.
And then you see the wet hair and the head.
And it doesn't just go poop out.
It sort of stays there for a second.
And it's like, like, imagine screaming where this was twice the size or that.
It's, and then it sort of sticks with you.
Like the next time you eat her out, which luckily isn't for many weeks, you're sort of like, oh, that was the thing that was ripped to shreds.
Also, she's going to be puking.
She's going to be shitting.
Shit comes out.
That's gross.
The bed, when she's finally done, the bed looks like it's just survived Vietnam.
Oh, this is the wrong camera angle.
So don't fucking look.
You will be disturbed forever.
Keep to yourself.
Bring a flask.
Wear comfortable shoes.
Focus on those two things.
Don't circumcise your son.
And it's a pretty cool experience.
I mean, we always talk about women as sentient beings, magical beings on this show.
And we say, you know, when women try to get involved in politics and all this other stuff, it's like Clark Kent trying to get involved in journalism and he should just stay a Superman and fly around.
Like, this is the Superman moment.
And we can talk about it till we're blue in the face.
But to see a little blue-faced baby come out of a woman, there's the head part I just talked about.
And then it's like, and then it's, and then they put it up on the mom, and you're sitting there.
You're going to cry like a little bitch.
And you're sitting there, and there's a fucking human.
Your wife just made you a human.
What a wonderful way to say she loves you.
That's a pop song from the 80s.
And there's this little crying being with working parts, weird little fingers, and it's got all the discharge on her.
And she's sort of like blinking and looking at you and confused.
These are her first normal human breaths and scared.
That's why you put her on the mom right away.
They need to have that initial contact.
You can touch her.
You can touch her little hand.
It's a fucking trip, man.
And then the first time you hold her, wow.
It's a doozy.
Okay.
Before I continue to cry, I think we'll just end the show.
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