All Episodes
Previous Next
Oct. 25, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:32:31
S04E46 - GHOST FRIENDS
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Rock and roll soldiers, what a fucking stupid name.
That song I played because it's called Baby Monster.
And I think the name Baby Monsters, finally taking.
Finally taking, I should say.
You're seeing the irony.
Did you know Matthew Perry of Friends invented sarcasm?
No.
Oh, I'm getting a weird echo.
I bet it's coming from that TV in the bar.
Yeah, he was.
Norm McDonald was on SNL, Matthew Perry from Friends said, or his assistant said, so Matt wants to do this thing where he has this special language he does.
He calls it Matt Speak.
And he says things like, oh, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence.
And Norm goes, you mean sarcasm?
You think you invented sarcasm?
Holy shit, there's another thing.
Norm McDonald teaches James Corden a word.
Humility.
Oh, good.
We have the good pencil.
Here it goes.
Disneyland and Mickey Mouse, who's a big celebrity at Disneyland.
Yeah, he's a big deal.
And the farther he gets away from Disneyland, the worse he looks.
You're right.
But when he's in Disneyland, he's the guy.
So he took a picture with a child.
Yeah.
And the child slipped from his hands, from Mickey Mouse's hands.
Fortunately, Mickey Mouse has huge shoes.
So the shoes broke the child's fall.
And thank goodness for that.
And he was fine, but he was crying.
And everyone was concerned.
Oh, except Mickey Mouse had a big smile like you can't.
He was completely non-plussed.
He was not non-plussed.
He was unaffected.
He was unaffected.
Non-plussed means bewildered.
I do find it weird when the parents.
I remember a whole VH1 campaign called We're Plussed.
You're non-plussed?
We're plussed over here at VH1.
And as Norm pointed out, non-plus means surprised.
So there is no plus.
I guess plused in that context would mean bored and uninterested.
I was going to play DJ Khaled, who, and by the way, both these things are baby monster submissions.
I'm going to be talking a little weird.
I took an Oedible last night, and I woke up at 7.30 a.m. baked out of my mind.
This cocksucker had a fucking blue star of death.
Hey, Coco.
I never show my teeth.
So is a blue star a death at all?
No.
No, blue stars a death.
That'll knock you up to the fucking galaxy, bro.
Yeah, and last night was not the smoothest sleep in town.
Whoa.
I'd think of something nice and happy when I woke up with the terrors.
And then my brain would come up with, yeah, what if the kid had cancer, though?
They'd make it negative.
It was Brocky Rhode.
I think I'm just getting back now after a coffee and some hugs and kisses with Ryan.
That always inspires me.
That wakes me right up.
What happens with Ryan is I get him to tickle my belly until the monster comes out, and then he stops.
And I reward him with Taco Bell.
Very gross monster.
He's a Taco Bell prostitute.
Yes, I am.
That happened to me once when I was a kid.
We were having a sleepover, and this guy, Dylan, said, tickle my belly until the birdie comes out.
Meaning I get a boner.
I must have been like eight or nine.
And I remember just going, oh, okay, fine.
And then there was no more horsing around.
And then, like 10 years later, I'm buying hash, and there he is.
He's the hash dealer.
And he has his little eight-year-old face on a 19-year-old's body.
It was weird.
Did you tickle his belly for hash?
I don't have cash, but I've got...
Tickle my belly for hash.
Somebody, speaking of Taco Bell and that embarrassment, Pauline Walnuts from Big Q, well, I'm Pauline Walnuts.
Big Q sent me a $10 gift card to Taco Bell.
Oh, that's make that.
You understand that we're all making fun of you, right?
Yes.
This is between you and me.
Oh, oops.
Ruin fuck you have it.
Being married is giving up things you like for someone you love.
Don't let other men convince you otherwise.
Weakness is doing what other men say you should do, not creating a plan with your lady and following through.
Being a good husband and a father is a cornerstone of a happy family.
Good luck, brother, and God bless.
Unfortunately.
That guy sounds a little special, doesn't he?
He sounds aka Italian.
Yeah, Italian-ish.
But unfortunately, I wasn't giving up something I love for somebody that I love.
I was trying to go behind her back and do it under the table.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not the point.
I want to be crystal clear at what amuses us.
Not the behind the back.
It amuses us that you're not allowed to eat Taco Bell because you're trying to save money.
She was mad because she was, now she was mad at me because I said that.
She was like, you called me and asked me if I wanted anything.
I was like, yeah, but that's after I got the balls.
Whatever, whatever.
We've already made fun of you enough for this.
Play DJ Khaled.
This was almost...
This was in the running for the opening song.
But I didn't do it.
I don't think DJ Khaled can read.
That's a theory.
This is my new theory.
Or I bet if he reads, it's like rock and roll soldiers, soldiers, baby monster So Marley just sent him a guitar and like imagine being that rich and you're still doing social media promos for a guitar company I just need that extra thousand bucks get a close up get a close up get a close up of the case the guitar shitty
audience and you're like no one's falling for this and then you they show the audience and they're all going to go network this is incredible there there look and when you're oh my it's like the dnc isn't it that's joe biden up there no idea what he's doing making up and then you have these fawning lefties just going thank god there's no more mean tweets this is worth it what is the bill 3.5 trillion dollars it was written by who bernie
they're big football guys and he never even tried out for football he knew it wasn't there so to have his own identity he fags out on this kind of stuff what's this now she's sitting on my face anyway sorry wow that's a weird what are the comments good work thank you wooby for showing us how and why there is a high likelihood of human civilization coming to an end By 2030,
you have to be down bad to get off to a dude with a wand and the last name Epstein when you finally stick the cherry tomato in your salad with your fork.
Exactly.
Wow.
That's exactly what it feels like.
Put your legs down.
You're not doing it right.
Now this, if you thought that was cool.
Yeah.
If you thought you were acting out.
Sorry, can you just realign your legs there before I zap you with energy from outer space?
My son won the championships again.
Medals out the wazoo, trophies, galore.
He hasn't been struck out.
I don't know when.
If it was a boxing record, it would be like 34-0.
And it was fun to watch, of course.
It's funny, too, because I was so vilified in the burbs and I started going to baseball games.
And all these people see me cheering for their kid.
And they go, maybe he's not David Duke.
I don't think David Duke cares about other kids.
At one point, though, we were down 5-7.
And when you're at the championships with 13-year-olds, it's an MLB game.
Like, if it goes way to the outfield, you're lucky to get a double.
You're probably just getting a single.
And 5-3, and I just looked over at one of the dads and I go, we're going to lose.
Because it's not a high-scoring game.
It's very normal for an inning to have nothing.
So 5-3, we're never going to make it back.
And then I realized his son was at bat.
And I looked at his son at bat and I went, we're going to lose.
And then he goes, fucking guy.
Oh, no.
And then someone in front of me goes, why?
Because his son's on the mountain.
I go, I didn't even see that.
I didn't even see that.
I didn't even know that.
But I'll tell you what pissed me off about it.
I saw the next team that was going to use that field.
They were 14-year-olds.
Pink Galore.
This is my new pet peeve because we know what it's about.
It's about emasculating men.
They do this in the NFL.
All sports is like 85% male.
Why are you advertising breast cancer to men?
It should be on The View.
It should be on the home shopping network.
Football games?
There's no other reason outside of emasculating men.
And now they're doing it to boys.
And boys don't want to be party poopers.
So they've got these pink belts and they've got the pink arm things.
Pink belts.
The whole team had pink belts.
To raise a, I don't believe you.
I think you're lying.
And here's the other thing.
The breast cancer industry's doing great.
It's a multi-billion dollar industry.
So when you go on a walk for breast cancer and you raise like all of you together $3,000, you might as well be giving it to Daddy Warbucks or Scrooge McDuck or the dragon in Lord of the Rings.
They just throw the money on the pile.
The money's already way more than they can spend because there's a huge incentive.
Prostate cancer on the other hand.
Why is it at prostate cancer awareness at these things?
Yeah, just ball-colored.
Just dark flesh.
Just beige with black lines.
Everyone has a taint-themed uniform.
There's little yarns coming out of the uniform.
Sparse pube.
Black threads.
It's made with shoelaces.
Yeah, it just pissed me off.
And point number five, I believe, the secret to breast cancer and most diseases, but especially cancer, is early detection.
And they're talking about things like showers, smart showers, where it showers down, checks your DNA in the drain and says, you have bowel cancer, by the way.
That's what's important, early detection.
So get it.
I don't know when you're supposed to start testing your tits.
30s?
Have it on Sex in the City.
Go get your tits done.
Go get your tits checked.
But seeing a catcher with his pink thing and all kinds of pink details with his pink knee pads and his pink glove, this is all about emasculating men.
And those uniforms, I hate, that's one of my least favorite uniforms, by the way.
But the uniforms in general, they work on that for years, getting the right vibe and I'm intimidating and I'm a warrior and I wear the Panthers.
And then they stick a bunch of pink on them.
It's just to fuck you.
What's up with the background?
Oh, I got your joke.
I didn't acknowledge it, though.
Do I have to acknowledge every quip?
No.
Sometimes people will text me a joke and I'll just laugh and not say LOL.
Then they get mad.
They go, you didn't respond.
I go, no.
Yes, I did.
I get that vibe.
You sent me something funny?
I went, I got on with my life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Acknowledge it with a ha.
I don't know.
I'm getting sick of doing that.
Then it's like never-ending.
Then they like your haha.
They love it.
They click a tap back.
Or my Indian doctor friend sent me a clip of me like this with a huge bald area.
And I didn't respond.
And then he thought, were you pissed off that I showed your bald spot?
I'm like, no, I went, ha.
Also, we went to Nita Fashions.
Yeah, we did.
This is a 1970s vintage Pierre Cardin.
I shouldn't be talking about modern fashion.
I can't even close it.
It's so 70s.
But yeah, wonderful guys.
They've been busy thanks to Censor.tv.
Dude, talking to people from Hong Kong is bizarre.
And it made me so pissed off when I was talking to him about, this is the elder guy who owns the company.
I already found the fabric, I like it.
60 Minutes.
Like 60 Minutes.
We'll write about Cop.
We talked about this last week, right?
They talk about Coptic Christians.
They don't mention that about a dozen are being killed every single day, beheaded on the beaches in Libya.
Or they talk about British pubs and they don't mention Muslims and how alcohol haters are overpopulating their country, especially Luton and Birmingham and towns like that.
And I just, I'm listening to this dude talk about Hong Kong and I'm like, why isn't this a story?
Now, here's the deal.
From over here, we went, oh, I see what happened.
China took over Hong Kong.
They were really strict with COVID.
They wouldn't let people leave their homes.
That pissed off Hong Kongers because they're used To freedom.
And so they fought back against the Chinese, and they won, basically.
And that sounds good, right?
But that's not even close to what happened.
The riots in Hong Kong started out before COVID.
Right.
And so what were they about?
Well, they were about excessive police control.
So you go, oh, because China moved in?
China moved in in 1997.
And it's been smooth sailing ever since then because Hong Kong maintained their independence culturally.
But they still get British passports.
They have to 100% totally give it up to China in 2042 or something.
2047, they got a 50-year lease.
So whatever 97 plus 50 is.
47, 2047.
I love those shirts.
I got a beige corduroy suit like James Bond wears.
And I got a tuxedo like James Bond.
We'll wear that for the marathon.
But yeah, so he goes, they started rebelling against cops.
Okay.
I understand a normal amount of that.
And then the cops retaliated.
And then I think the Chinese sent in bigger guys.
And instead of Hong Kong going, okay, okay, okay, calm down.
They got really violent, like stabbing cops in the neck and covering them in gasoline and lighting them on fire.
Now, all I can think is riots are contagious.
And they were watching TV and they were seeing Ferguson and BLM and Antifa riots and the statues.
And they just culturally went, I want to do this too.
And it started a fashion trend.
Burning down your city.
He said it was an absolute war zone.
It looked like Syria.
So all we have now is my stupid guess about them just watching us riot and mimicking it.
The reason that's all we have is because journalism is at an all-time shit low.
It's at the bottom of the toilet.
And we can't hear anything.
Any of the truth?
Like the fucking Vegas shooter.
What happened there?
Like the two bombs on January 6th?
The pipe bombs.
No footage?
No video stuff?
What happened?
Speaking of the meandering, maybe we should have a meandering segment here.
You just have a backdrop for that, right?
This is a weird story that's out today.
Of course, you can always trust Rolling Stone for having cutting-edge journalism because they hire babysitters from Antifa.
This, I think, is actually a dude, though.
This is 19.
Yep, Hunter Walker.
I remember him.
I think he's like a little kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like a Brooklyn Wigger dude, Wu-Tang type of kid.
Grew up in Brooklyn, locked in the early aughts, late 90s.
January 6th, protester organizers say they participated in dozens of planning meetings with members of Congress and White House staff.
Now, no matter how little fact there is in here, this is going to be accepted as the narrative now.
The DNC will be repeating this.
This is just, with half the country here in the national divorce, which I've noticed Bill Maher has stolen from me, they're just going to take this as a fact.
So Proud Boys were getting calls from Trump's people saying, all right, are you ready?
Here we go.
Get in there.
Make sure you climb the walls.
Make sure you smash a bunch of buildings.
Tell Ashley Babbitt to be careful, though.
She's kind of hot-headed.
But when you get in there, make sure you smash a bunch of stuff.
Stay within the ropes, though.
Steal a podium and a sit-in Nancy Play.
What were they planning?
I guess the narrative here.
Oh, that doesn't look like who I was talking about.
That's Hunter Walker Rolling Stone?
Jesus, he's a grown man.
Isn't that embarrassing?
Imagine being a grown man and following around patriotic grandmas because you think they're Timothy McVeigh.
What a waste of a life.
Two sources are communicating with house investigators and detailed a stunning series of allegations to Rolling Stone, including a promise of a blanket pardon from the Oval Office.
That's the juiciest part.
And go to 2-0.
The pair also, so it's two people who says we worked with the GOP and they're going to get away scot-free because of this.
Sounds like they're feds to me.
Sounds like the feds are controlling the narrative here and trying to make it look like Trump and his army carefully, meticulously planned an attack and then carried it out at the behest of their Lord, Jesus Trump.
The pair also detailed damning allegations that one lawmaker, Paul Goser of Arizona, dangled the possibility of a pardon in front of their faces for an unrelated probe in a bid to force them into planning rallies.
So first was Rolling Stone.
They don't waver from their directive, which is it was what I just said.
But in the Daily Mail one, we hear it's conceivable that they were forced, coerced by politicians into doing this.
That makes Trump look bad, too, if it was people in the White House coercing the riot.
I don't know.
I'm sure there was some bad behavior, some malfeasance.
I just hear about it and I go, we never defended it.
We never said it was awesome, but we understood it.
I'm not saying he should have killed it, but I understand.
Mad about the election, you did something stupid.
If you keep getting picked on at a bar and eventually they go, you're 86.
I totally get it if you smash your pint on the floor on the way out.
I don't think you should do that.
It's dangerous.
There's glass shards.
But I understand.
Here we have 2-1, the FBI ginning up everyone, trying to get them angry.
Darren J. Beattie, who's kind of, I say journalism's dead, he's one of the few still doing it correctly.
We're getting scoops, and that's why he's attacked, because he's consistently over the target.
Darren J. Beattie to Attorney General, Merrick Garland, how many informants did you have present in the Oath Keepers, Proud Boys, and Three percenters in the three to four months leading up to January 6th.
I've just stepped out of a strategy session with my colleagues.
There are many who want to discuss FISA and the recent report showing just extensive abuses that continue to persist.
Folks want to talk about the border.
Folks want to talk about the use of the FBI to target meetings and wag their fingers in the face of their duly elected members of the school board.
But undoubtedly, you would be asking questions about the FBI's assets that were there on January 6th.
Now, here, I'm bringing folks into the room a little bit here, but what occurred, what has to occur, I should say, is that we've got to get around the standard answers to these types of questions.
So, Darren Beattie, if you're sitting there on the dais, you've got five minutes.
What's the first question you're asking Merrick Garland?
First question I'm asking Merrick Garland is, how many informants do you have present or did you have present in the Oath Keepers, the Proud Boys, and the Three Percenters in the three, four months leading up to 1.6?
And if his answer is, well, you know, that is the subject of ongoing investigations, and we never talk about ongoing investigations, and we don't reveal FBI assets.
What's the follow-up?
The follow-up is the founder and head of the Oath Keepers, Stuart Rhodes.
What do you know about him?
What's in your file on him?
Why has it taken eight, nine months after the event and nobody's touched him versus others, the smaller fish that they've touched?
How do you explain this seeming reverse Rico structure of the 1-6 prosecution cases in which the little fish are indicted and in many cases wallow in prison, whereas many of the big fish and in some cases the biggest fish swim three,
swim free?
How do you explain this?
It is concerning that we haven't gotten responses.
Yeah, that's a great term.
Reverse Rico.
Because the big fish swam with the feds.
They are feds.
If you swim with feds, you're a fed.
If you work for the FBI, you're a fed.
I thought this was funny.
PJW goes, rearranging furniture is war.
Boomers rearranging furniture at the behest of federal agents equals war.
And then click on the picture.
The Atlantic is ridiculous.
January 6th wasn't a riot.
It was war.
War.
Four hours of the Capitol.
New HBO documentary.
Yes, I'm sure they'll show all the footage of fucking buffalo horns walking in there going, hey, guys.
The Atlantic has just sunk below the bottom of the shithole, as I mentioned earlier with journalism in general.
The Atlantic is spearheading the dive down.
They're the ones who said on the weekend, they go, yeah, the supply chains are a problem, but it's because of the rich.
They keep buying shit.
Okay, you might have an argument if it was like excessive paper towel buying, but I'm in the South Bronx trying to get a toothbrush, and there's only three on a wall toothbrush section that used to have hundreds.
Was that, did someone rich drive into the South Bronx and buy up all the toothbrushes?
Or toothbry, as we say in Latin?
Now, you'll notice Matt Goetz's question to Darren Beattie took about a day.
That's because he's a great guy and one of the best politicians.
But as far as interviewing goes, he's a blabbermouth.
And I was watching this Glenn Beck thing where he brought in some Afghani women to say, hey, it wasn't for nothing, all the work you did there.
We appreciated you when you were here.
Just so you know, your friend's legs didn't get blown off for no reason.
You brought us democracy.
We got to taste freedom.
It's gone now, but thanks.
And what Glenn Beck understands is shutting his mouth.
So compare this to Matt Goetz.
It's my understanding that you said one of the conditions of this interview was you wanted to tell the American soldiers something.
Yes.
What is that?
It was not in a waste.
It was not in a win.
Those 20 years bring us freedom, bring us democracy, give us multiple chances, opportunities.
Women like us was able to go and get education, was able to travel by themselves, was able to work, had their driving license, had the right to the property.
For the people of Afghanistan, we will remember the soldiers.
I am grateful for all of them who served in my country.
Because of you, I'm here.
Because of you, I made it to be educated.
Are you in America?
Permanently?
And education.
And have a life that has meant something.
And the purpose of the world.
Flying planes?
Holy shit.
Maybe we're being able to do that.
We all know a U.S. veteran, but I wonder if those men and women wouldn't be suffering so much now if we told them this a little more often.
Can I just thank you?
Because of you guys, we are here.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Did you cry like a little fag?
No, but I could tell that if I was in a weaker state, I would have.
Yeah, we're in business mode.
If I was lying in bed looking at that, I may shed a salty duct or two.
All right, let's sort of go back a little bit.
For the record, I know it's ancient news now.
I fucking called it, what did I say when Alec Baldwin shot that woman on set?
I said, the armorer is an affirmative action hire.
She's a hipster.
She was part of his fan base.
That's what you get when you fire the union.
Who's going to come in and be a scab?
It's going to be your friends, your fans.
And he saw her and he saw her purple hair and he thought, you know what?
This is cool, SJW.
And no.
This music started playing.
So this is what I resent.
And I was talking about this on Getter.
He's a socialist.
He's pro-SJW.
He hates American history.
But yet he gets to, and hates capitalism.
He gets to come down to the South, sambo around as a tough guy in the Wild West with a gun.
So essentially make all this money off of all the shit he hates.
That bothers me.
No one's talking about the audacity of him doing a Western.
Clint Eastwood can do Westerns.
He may not.
And then the irony is, I hate capitalism.
Okay, good.
Well, we have unions here.
Okay, I'm going to work them 13 hours a day with no gun safety.
And they go, we're leaving.
So they leave and he gets all scabs.
He's also a feminist.
And what happens in his world with his incompetent affirmative action hire to promote feminism?
A woman dies.
It's God talking to us, folks.
When you become a socialist, when you try to correct society and hire for things other than meritocracy, when you tell meritocracy to fuck off, you're telling God to fuck off because he invented merit.
He's behind the whole merit system.
He's the boss of merit.
So when you tell him to fuck off, things go badly for you.
Rust Armour, Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, once gave an unchecked gun to an 11-year-old actor.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, but she looks cool.
She looks like Heather Heyer.
Let's hire her.
Wait, is her name Heather?
Hannah.
Ah, shit.
Could have had a good Heather H-I-R-E pun going.
And you know what's also weird about it is, and this also makes me sick, the husband is friends with him now.
They're hanging out.
Alec has been very supportive.
Yeah, that's the husband of the dead woman and the child, and they're hanging out with her buddy Alec.
And also, put on some decent clothes if you're in mourning, dude.
Fucking pink t-shirt.
Dirty hat.
But yeah, could you imagine being friends with someone who killed your wife?
Under any circumstances?
Hey, Ryan, can you?
No.
No, no, no.
That would be a non-friend to me.
Speaking of, I was talking earlier about the South Bronx and how dangerous it is.
Guy just got shot about three blocks from us here in the most dangerous place in the world.
We got to get the fuck out of here.
But here's what I don't get about this story.
You're a gangbanger in the South Bronx.
Don't go to a barber.
I feel vulnerable at the barber.
In fact, I don't let him do the straight razor thing anymore on my neck.
Just use clippers, thanks.
But these guys come in, shoot the guy, and then he hands the gun to the other dude, says you might want to finish this up.
Clearly an initiation, right?
Maybe into DDP.
Or...
They always have boys in their name.
Looks like he survived, though, right?
Yeah, he's in critical condition.
The second guy did not want to shoot him.
Really?
Were he panicking?
I want to be in a gang.
I just don't want to have to snitch or go to jail for 25 years, and I don't want to be involved in any violence.
I like the other parts, like poly walnuts having a sub and having meetings.
Yeah.
But I don't want to actually like put something around some guy's neck and have to go while you knock over furniture and stuff.
Messy.
Yuck.
All right, let's do a little brief lesbians and gay stuff.
The LG community, as we call it here on Get Off My Lawn.
They're up to their old tricks again.
Let's check in.
Why are you lucky?
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
And then we fell in love.
I never eat their poop, and we have a very good relationship.
Stop there.
That's a little long, and I don't like that that rat guy is in it.
He's not gay.
Why are you not gay?
1-8, let's do 1-8 first.
Jessica Tov.
Is that his name?
Yaniv.
Jessica Yanev?
Jessica Yaneev.
Took a place to court in Vancouver because he's a woman and he went there to have his pussy waxed.
And the woman at the waxing place goes, I couldn't help but notice that your pussy's a cock.
And he goes, it's a woman's penis.
You're a woman's salon.
Wax my cock and balls.
And she goes, no, my husband would kill me.
I'm not supposed to even see any other dicks till I die.
Well, too bad.
So they took her to court and he lost.
Trans woman who sued salon workers for refusing to wax her balls.
This is 2021.
How are her balls doing?
How's your daughter's balls?
I'm really worried about my daughter's balls.
Ma'am, you have a penis?
Yes.
No, that's my vagina.
Well, what are those things?
Those are balls.
I heard your daughter got a UTI?
Yeah, she got something in her foreskin and didn't clean it out.
Oh, shit.
Your daughter's poor penis.
Another great band name.
Your daughter's poor penis.
My daughter's penis.
Look at this Adams family.
And I love, this is what I wrote in that article a million years ago that got everyone pissied, pissed off.
It got the White House kicked off of Wikipedia.
Did you know that?
No.
My article was cited by someone in a Wikipedia article, so the IP of the White House was banned from Wikipedia because they cited my article as proof that they're just mentally ill gays.
But just look at this couple.
Thrupple.
Quadruple?
Thrupple.
We're raising our kids with no gender.
That's my extraordinary family.
Like, look at the Guy with the flowery dress.
He doesn't just look like one of my friends.
He looks like one of my more masculine friends.
This is a kids in the hall sketch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He looks like he was track and field champion of the high school.
And then the other one just looks like Brian Pozane.
The other one looks like Rachel Maddow, obviously.
Rachel Maddow, that's a given.
I don't even pay attention to her.
She doesn't exist to me.
But the other one, yeah, she looks like a bass tech for the band Obituary.
Hey, man, it's looking pretty old, dude.
Like, this neck is on its last legs.
It'll definitely last tonight, but I think you should get a strat.
Did any of that make sense?
A little bit.
Can you get a strat bass?
Stratocaster?
No, they have a jazz bass which is strat-shaped.
But I'm sure they actually have...
They probably did make one.
See?
You can make my jokes work.
You just have to try.
Push.
All right, I think we should just hop over and do a quick green screen because something's been bothering me about a viral video, and it needs to be discussed.
So, this started out as a pretty normal video.
LeBron James appreciates his fans.
There's someone in the audience who'd love to get a shirt, and he throws them a shirt.
It's what happens next that confuses me.
Welcome back to What Happens Next on Censored.tv.
Okay, make it bigger.
Oh, actually, maybe don't.
Just move it over.
Move it this way.
Why?
Get it out of the way.
So this is a common thing.
And in baseball, they do it with baseballs, but you know, you can't throw basketballs into the crowd.
So let's see LeBron.
I'm sorry, Kobe, be nice to some fans.
There you go.
Boom.
Done.
Everything's done.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Ryan, stop.
What is this?
Now, in baseball tradition, say I catch a ball and I don't have little kids with me.
In the real world, it would be my sons.
So I'd give them, even if I caught two, I'd give one to each boy.
That's considered normal.
If I was alone, my kids are all in college, and I'm sitting next to anyone under the age of 13, maybe even 13, I should give them the ball.
And if I didn't, you'd hear booze from the audience.
I have no problem with that.
That all makes perfect sense.
A man shouldn't be keeping a ball unless it's like, you know, some home run ball.
So this bitch, this self-entitled cunt, this brainwashed feminist, this is, you know how I always say, what have we done to girls?
What have we done to this bitch?
She just grabs it.
And then these two are treating it like it's a game.
I don't know.
Maybe they're Mexican tourists or they're some sort of Hispanic guests because they keep smiling at this.
It's not a funny situation.
Fuck off.
This is my shirt.
You're not a little kid.
But they're going, oh, it's the old shirt grab, that old tradition.
Not a thing.
Look at this.
He's not giving it to them.
And then the girls stop.
This is also, I say, what have we done to girls?
What have we done to boys?
Like, they're holding on to his arm.
They're trying to give him some sort of testosterone, some sort of agency.
And he's like, oh, it's getting pulled.
I'm shy.
Everyone's looking at me.
And they start tearing it from his hands.
Grow a fucking ball, dude.
Why don't you take balls from that chick?
Take them out of her waxed pussy and put them in your scrottle sack because she stole them.
This is modern American feminism stealing our balls.
And then who gets it?
The beta cuck who lives off her scraps.
He catches it.
And then, this is the other weird part.
So that was audacious and shitty.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
The girls, I don't know why anyone's smiling here.
I'd be furious.
I would fight them.
Then the Asian dude grabs it.
He goes, yay.
And then they're all proud of you.
High fives.
Great work.
What are you high fiving?
What are you doing?
They really had thin thighs in the 70s.
These are skin tight on the thighs.
I bet they were all...
Oh, that's why they were freaking out.
I mean, Kobe's dead.
So if you get a jersey from a dead guy...
Give it to me.
My family's dead.
And they talk to him.
They're ghost friends.
Let's jump to some war on kids.
Moron kids.
When we were young, there was the moron kids.
Now, it's the war on kids.
Moron kids and ghost friends are awesome band names as well.
Hello, fam.
I had a sex page upgrade.
Who wants to pamp my bag?
We are living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.
Regulations to indoctrinate American school children with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrines.
Everything woke turns to shit.
If you see Hannah the Armorer, say that to her.
Here was the UN, which is Hell Central.
I go back and forth, by the way.
I talk to people who go, this is a war of good versus evil.
And Jim Goad got in my head with evil.
And he's like, that's such a cop or such a stupid word, implying that someone's just a bad man.
You know, Islam is vicious and violent, but it's also got a severe inbreeding problem.
And it's got a severe religious brainwashing problem, religious extremism problem.
Those are still human beings that got caught up in all this genetic problems and nurture problems, nurture and nature problems.
And I side on that more.
But when you indulge in the we're at war with Satan, the UN is definitely Satan central.
I mean, we can call it something else.
We can call it globalism.
We can call it the new world order.
But the UN gives me the heebie-jeebies.
It's a dark den.
I don't know how many children I raped while working for the UN.
There have been thousands of allegations against the UN's military peacekeepers, but only 53 have been jailed.
Only 53?
Didier Bourger shifts in his seat in a justice red tie.
He's finding it hard to recall how many children he raped when he was working for the United Nations in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
I'd say about 20.
That is one of the most prolific rapists I've ever heard of.
I bet if you went to a Rikers or any prison right now and talked to a rapist, I don't think one of them has 20 under his belt.
This is a very successful rapist.
He was earning $7,000 a month as head of logistics in the peacekeeping mission in Gorma while getting locals to procure children for him.
He had two assets that ensured children trusted him.
He was white and he worked for the UN.
He said the sex was consensual, but it is unsure whether the children were afraid to say no.
I'm not sure.
I don't think so, but I'm not sure.
Could be.
What the fuck?
How about the flippant way he describes his serial child rape?
I swear to God, if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to get my hands around your throat.
By the way, just for the record, folks, there's no such thing as consensual sex with children.
No such thing as consensual sex with prisoners.
And it's the same reason, really, that they're not able to give consent.
Children, because they're too easily manipulated.
And the whole construct with children is trust us.
Here, hold my hand.
I'll take you across the street.
You're violating that trust.
And then in the case of prisoners, of course, they can't say no either.
I'm sure that's crossed your desk before.
Sorry, folks.
Look at this Father of the Year 25.
Abortion care is a calling for this Texas doctor.
Now he faces a dilemma.
Risk lawsuits or quit.
Joe Nelson is weighing his option as courts weigh in on the nation's strictest abortion ban.
And I want to read you this poll quote from Father of the Year.
His name's Joe Nelson, right?
In Nelson's absence, Leah has raised three kids almost entirely on her own.
Even when they live down the road from Nelson, that's Nelson right there in the kookie socks.
She said her sons rarely saw their father.
He was so involved in his career, then residency, then he found his love of abortion.
Not fucking good, you fucking rat, scumbag, fucking fag.
How is that for a doozy?
His love of abortion.
Wow.
I mean, horror movies are green with envy.
By the way, there was one thing.
Did you see these dads going to the school?
Shit.
I don't think I included it.
More on jokes.
This was a bloodbath.
It's not this.
No, no.
There was a thing on dad power.
And it had these black dads.
I can send it to you.
These black dads who go to this school.
And it seems pretty awesome, right?
They go to this school, and there'd been like a fight a week there.
Here, I know where it is.
And then the dads show up, and guess what?
Everything stops.
Black Father tells board CRT keeps racism on life support?
No, no, no.
No, this is specifically to prevent fighting because it was getting out of control.
And we all know why it gets out of control because they don't have dads.
And they don't have dads because of welfare.
So if you want to save black kids in schools, you introduce charter schools because charter schools follow supply and demand.
And the demand with black kids is discipline.
So it's like boot camp.
They have them running up and down the hallway doing push-ups, doing pull-ups.
It's like military school.
In areas where kids don't need discipline, it's not.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, so Tommy loved it.
You're going to have to start the whole video again.
Plagued.
Not many good news stories begin in such a bad news way.
It happened last month here at Southwood High School in Shreveport, Louisiana.
Plagued with violence.
Over the course of three days.
Plagued with violence.
23 seconds.
Like it was the locust that flies into your school.
Massive police response to the school.
But strangely, there hasn't been another incident since.
Perhaps in part because of this most unusual crisis intervention team.
I can't see.
Nobody here has a degree in school counseling.
No majors in criminal justice.
Your qualifications are dads.
We decided the best people who can take care of our kids are hula.
For us.
What we do.
So Michael Lafeed started Dads on Duty.
We're out doing what we do for our babies.
A group of about 40 Southwood dads who now hang out at the school in shifts.
Let's go.
Today, any negative energy that enters the building.
Stop.
What's going through your mind when you watch this segment?
That it's cool, but they need to lose weight?
No.
That's the incorrect emotion to have.
Your response should be, 40 of you.
Wait, there's seven there?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
How small is the school?
Also, are you employed?
Oh.
Don't you have a fucking job?
Like, I cannot think of six other dads I could get to take.
I could just record the show at a different time.
Most people don't have that freedom.
And there's no way in hell out of all the dads I know, which is dozens, that I could assemble seven at any given time.
And I think I know why.
I mean, between nine to five.
What?
Have you noticed this too?
This is a hood thing with blacks and Hispanics where they get the merch done real early.
Oh, yeah, they got a merch guy, yeah.
Like stickers, patches.
They're always giving You the cards, and then we got t-shirts.
I'm like, why don't you work on the thing a little more?
We basically just got t-shirts going like now.
The store is up to par.
But yeah, they always got the t-shirts out first.
Finally, we have a yes from about 37 mayors on critical race theory.
We've got to get it into schools.
It's really good to tell kids that America's history is steeped in racism.
68 in support of critical race theory and public K-12 education.
This resolution outlines the U.S. Conference of Mayors' support for the implementation of critical race theory in public education.
Are there any questions or comments on number 68?
If not, I'm 66.
But I have a feeling if I knew a lot of mayors, they'd all be dicks.
Wait, go back.
How many are raising their hand for this?
I move for adoption.
If not, I move for adoption.
All in favor, please raise your hand.
One, two, three.
Look, it's all the women.
Wait, that's not many?
Click on it again.
No, you don't have to go back.
If not, I move for adoption.
All in favor, please raise your hand.
Two, including the speaker, the mayor.
You can't tell what this is.
Wait, I thought this was a group of mayors.
Go to the top.
United States Conference of Mayors adopts Resolution 68 in support of critical race theory.
But it's only two, dude.
Right.
You can't tell what the bottom middle woman is doing.
She's fucking...
She's showing off her office space.
I can't hear you.
I'm in this big office.
We get it.
Carolyn Goodwin.
Holy shit.
Any opposed, please verbally signal nay.
The eyes have it.
How does that work?
Next is...
Nobody said nay, but only a couple raised their hand.
I don't get politics.
Why, this isn't politics.
This is the yay or nay voting system.
Yeah, no one said nay, but only two said yay, so that means it goes through.
Nice system.
Weird.
All right.
We've still got some time.
Things are going well.
Let's just do a little bit of racism before we get to the mailbag, shall we?
What was that?
That's just the way it is.
You probably like that.
Bruce Hornsby's version is pretty good.
Tupac is better.
Changes.
That opening band that were terrible, I bet you liked them.
I don't remember what it said.
Rock and Roll Soldiers, Baby Monster.
It's okay.
I like a little...
I don't know.
It's a little too happy for me, but here's bad news in the band realm.
Ghost Friends is already a band.
Oh, farts.
But moron kids is not.
We'll just buy it off them.
I'm rich.
True.
Here's a million dollars.
Get lost.
Just kick in.
They're from Syenne, France.
From where?
France.
From Syenne, Normandy?
Cyan, Normandy, France.
That's where the beaches were stormed, right?
That's correct.
That's exactly what you'd expect the band Ghost Friends to sound like.
Okay, you guys can have it.
Fine.
Hamilton, I thought this was funny.
I saw a debate, by the way.
Go to 2.8.
I highly recommend this.
Jared Taylor, let's just explain the politics of the racial realist, okay?
You know, my angle is I don't care.
There may be differences.
There may be genetic differences within races, but I go by the individual.
I'm also in denial of white on POC prejudice.
I don't think it's intersectional.
I don't think it's prevalent.
I don't think it's a thing.
Most of these people, Peruvians with money, some rich white mulatto who goes to PTA meetings, they're all just treated like Americans.
There is anti-white racism.
There is anti-Asian racism.
There is anti-Semitism from blacks and Arabs.
But the racism you talk about, which is everyone being an archie bunker who hates everyone, is total fucking horseshit.
And it's the linchpin of the less view of America, which is crazy when your linchpin's rusted out.
Anyway, Jared Taylor believes that you should be allowed to have an all-white area, an all-black area.
He's fine with segregation in all cases.
He doesn't want anyone to go back to Africa.
That's too hard.
He also just says, look, if diversity is so great, why are we spending billions upon billions of dollars promoting it?
I believe he's for closed borders, too.
And this is an hour long.
But in it, she goes, you know, the founding fathers, when they came up with this idea for America, and he stops, she goes, they would be mortified.
You know, they planned for a white America.
And it was just a given.
They didn't feel the need to include the name white because that's what they want.
But then, so we'll hold on off on that and then go back up to 2.7.
So someone pointed out that Hamilton was not really very big on diversity.
Unfortunately, Lynn-Manuel Miranda.
And Broadway version, yo, my name is Alexander Hamilton.
I'm here to stay.
Immigrants are cool in a major way.
And then real life, what do we have here?
Excessive population, a detriment, foreign influence, a Grecian horse to a republic.
Homogen City, necessary for permanency of the Union.
Cites Jefferson, Safer to wait for a natural increase of population.
Yeah.
And then go to the next one.
Aliens, if admitted, will replace us as we, the Indians.
Oops.
Rome and Syracuse fell through admitting aliens to citizenship, blah, blah, blah.
Immigration tends to produce heterogeneity, which is not good.
The evil of incorporating foreigners in the nation, deferred naturalization desirable.
Wow.
So, yeah, you should check out that interview.
It's called Uncomfortable, and he proceeds to make her incredibly uncomfortable.
And I don't understand how you could have a problem with Jared Taylor.
Like, he thinks negative thoughts about your group.
Who cares?
He's not instituting any laws.
And he's got a point.
If diversity was so important, then you wouldn't need to spend billions promoting it.
Marijuana and sex don't need a marketing campaign.
Somebody time coded this.
They said, I can't believe he had to explain percentages to her.
In the interest of objective truths, as you pointed out, Central Americans are three to four times more likely to be on public assistance programs than white Americans.
There are still more white Americans on public assistance programs.
They are the majority.
They absolutely are the majority.
What matters is per capita participation in these things.
If you have a percentage of population, though.
Percentage of population.
Yeah, the left does not understand the word disproportionate.
They really don't.
They're like, you say short, fat, Jewish Chinese men tend to be bad at basketball.
Oh, yeah?
What about Yao Chi Schminglstein?
Okay.
He's not coming.
Yao Chi Schwinglesteen.
Yao Xi Schminglesteen.
Yao Chi Schminglest.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Here's another one that says the largest roast ever uttered.
What you're saying is somehow whites were about to choke to death on their own homogeneity when people like yourself kindly arrived with diversity and saved us from ourselves.
No, we built a wonderful country that your ancestors could not have been.
That is why people like you come here.
And the more you come in larger numbers, you will change the country my ancestors built into something else.
And it is completely normal for me to wish to oppose that.
Mr. Taylor, I've taken enough of your time.
Oh, wow.
Look at that.
Yeah, you have taken enough of my time.
In space, in fucking potential.
I have to go back to the drawing board.
I have to go back to the board.
I had to R.A. the rugged man debate him.
And when we drove back from Long Island, R.A. was just like twitching and yeah.
Well, that was him vibrating with the car, I mean.
Oh, okay.
But just silently sitting there looking out the window.
Don't debate him.
You will lose.
He's Japanese.
They're superior.
English is his second language.
He had no white friends his entire fucking childhood.
And then RA just spent the most time calling him a racist piece of shit.
You fucking racist.
The great debate.
Anyway, let's jump ahead.
The war on jokes.
I thought this was unbelievably funny.
He went like this at one point, my pet Biden.
He went like this to say, zero cents, no new taxes.
You won't have to pay a dime.
He's going to create a $3.5 trillion plan that doesn't involve any money.
Okay?
So I think you have to go down.
No, maybe not.
I want to see them saying it originally.
So they said that that was a white power symbol, and then Reuters facts checks, fact checks their joke and goes, no, do the fact check.
No, click on the fact check article there.
Yeah.
And then maybe click on the link.
They're so humorless.
They're fact-checking jokes.
Oh, there we go.
So there it is.
Biden flashed the white power sign while a black man was asking him a question.
And they go, no, he was saying zero cents.
We need to correct the record.
That's Reuters, the most powerful news agency in the world.
Fact-checking jokes.
And then speaking of pets, let's jump to 3-2 where the liberal pets are misbehaving.
Bad blacks.
You know, the left wanted them to vote for gay marriage in California, but they're a bunch of Christians and they let them down.
They were spanked on their bums for that.
And they were told that we're moving on to trans as our new pets.
And then they said, we want the government to vax everyone.
It's only mega people who aren't getting vaxed.
And blacks go, no, it's us too.
And now liberals are mad at their bassethounds.
Look, black people with swastika signs.
And the swastikas are the government, the woke DNC.
This is not how it's supposed to work.
Turn it up.
Bad pets.
If the poor guy who works there, he's going to take on this mob defending vaccine requirements in the NBA.
It's like stormtroopers.
I always feel sorry for those guys.
Every time there's a movie where they go to the main bad guy's house and he has to kill all the guards, they're just fucking guards, man.
They have to die now?
In my New York City, Kylie Irving would be back playing in Brooklyn starting five.
So that's anti-Kyrie Irving, right?
This is how other protesters are dealing with it.
These are the climate protesters, Extinction Rebellion.
They're blocking traffic and everybody hates them.
There's fucking worker dudes like kicking their cones because they're retards.
And this is how...
Anti-vax protest.
Oh, these are the same guys.
That's an ancient one from Britain, dude.
So that's a leftist protest, and this is how this is, this happened today.
This is happening right now, actually.
A firefighter-led vaccine mandate protest.
Peaceful, not blocking traffic hanging out.
Remember what that looks like the Williamsburg Bridge.
Remember, it's the Brooklyn Bridge.
Remember one time during Occupy Wall Street, the Antifa blocked the Williamsburg Bridge to stop all the finance guys getting to Wall Street.
They were there at 11 a.m.
And they blocked the bridge.
People in finance often have to get up early for the Chinese markets.
Many of them are there at 5 a.m.
No one is there after 9.01 a.m.
And if you're in finance and you're going in there at 11, it's because it's your day off and you forgot your track suit.
Wait, are they blocking?
Is this where the cars would go?
No.
That's the bike path.
Okay.
I think.
Yeah, that looks like a bike path.
There's no way two cars could fit there, and there's a dotted line.
And the anti-mandate thing with these guys here with the Kyrie Irving thing, they unified on this whole thing.
BLM and the anti-vax right.
This is not working out well for the globalists.
This was not our plan.
No.
All right, let's talk to some viewers, shall we?
In the bag of mail?
In the bag of mail.
Remix.
Oh, that was cool.
Did you do that remix?
Yes.
It's a really dope remix.
Thank you.
Um LGBTQ Someone was very mean about my hair and I God Yes You have hurt me today.
Oh shit, we were supposed to have Crypt Daddy on again?
Oh cool.
Yeah, I've just forgotten you want me to describe him?
Yeah, yeah see if you can give it a little shot shoot I can't find him That's the guy telling us about Joy Division,
right?
I'm not making very good TV.
Are you trying to contact him?
Yeah someone's sent me here's a really weird one.
Hi Gavin, I'm a big fan and an avid viewer of Censored.
I literally dreamed up a TV commercial that I think could be a Super Bowl favorite.
Probably for Charles Schwab or a business consulting firm.
So someone with a multi-million dollar ad budget?
Okay.
I'd like to pitch it, but I assume that I'd have better luck if I worked through an agent.
Can you give me a reference or any advice?
I'll develop the storyboards and have them ready.
I'll copyright them.
Thank you.
I know you're totally busy.
What?
Do you also have a great idea for a blockbuster?
Like, dude, you can't just pitch Charles Schwab out of nowhere.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I've almost found it here.
Are you excited?
Yes.
Here we go.
Thank God I found it.
It's called Gav's Haircut, and it has hurt me today.
Also found a picture of me...
Someone filmed me having fun with a buddy of mine, Curtis.
And taken out of context, it looks really bad.
It's just a guy goofing around.
Looks like I have to restart my...
What?
Your mail's broked?
I think it's broken.
I'm going to restart.
Okay, while you do that, let's look up your new ultimate driving machine.
What up, G-Dog?
Oh, by the way, important message.
I just redid my bathroom.
My bathroom is in the basement.
Apparently my shit stinks.
And so the family has sequestered me to the basement.
I am fighting back, however, by making my bathroom kick ass.
I have a VIP toilet seat.
I have a gold biffy bidet.
There's a gold theme.
There's gold accents everywhere.
Gold mirror, gold lights.
And I want to get a poster of Goldfinger.
Nice.
No.
Gold dust.
Oh.
The 90s wrestler.
Not the new one where he's black with stripes.
No.
But if you could find me a poster size, like this square, a poster of goldfinger when he has long blonde gold hair.
Gold dust.
Gold dust.
Sorry.
Fuck.
I keep seeing gold finger.
That looks like the era, judging by the quality and the font.
Film.
Yes.
That's the one I want.
I looked all over eBay, Amazon.
I couldn't find anything.
Anyway, baby months, just see if you can help me out with that, please.
Your new ultimate driving machine, what up, G-Dog?
And your faggot LARPing producer.
Excuse me.
By the way, the hide your meal.
Are you taking a note to hide that so you don't see people's names?
The White House today is a bunch of Veep fans LARPing as the show, just so you know.
We have this big globalist mentality about these evil geniuses running the show.
That's possible.
It's also possible it's run by a bunch of toxic babysitters like AOC, who are just dumb cokehead bitches who get to play house.
But it's the White House.
Anyway, can you do this?
Are you ready?
Yes.
You should stick with BMW.
This generation of M5 are still attainable and are destined to start skyrocketing.
Unlike all the performance cars today, the E34s retain an understated aesthetic.
Outside of the badge, only car guys like Boner would know what it is.
Check out the two-tone interior.
Looks absolutely gorgeous, my boy.
It does look beautiful.
Pull it up.
What are you doing?
I said, are you ready?
You got everything?
You good?
I have the haircut one.
Oh, this got sent to my personal email.
Oh, flips.
Please stop doing that, guys.
You get me all muddled up.
I could search the car, though, unless he's got pictures.
No, I just sent it to you.
I had left the mailbag, and I was in all mailboxes, which I apologize for.
That's really bad.
Sportsmanship.
Okay.
No, this came.
This is in the mail.
Oh, no, that's not the mailbag.
Sorry, folks.
Jesus, Gavin.
Get it together.
Okay, got him.
There we go.
1988 BMW, W5.
Gorgeous.
How much is it?
42?
Uh, no.
Not that gorgeous.
A car from 1988, 42.
The mileage should be like 20 grand.
Go down.
What's the mileage?
Go down.
Go down.
Mileage.
Oh, 20,000 miles.
That's pretty fucking low.
Very low.
I'm not spending 40 grand on an old car.
No fucking way.
What's the interior look like again?
There we go.
Wow.
Well, that is nice, though.
Wow.
Wow.
I mean, that's nice.
Okay, so we're in the right area?
Yes.
That is nice.
Hey, Gavin, Rye Gay.
Look at this video of a Democrat trying to use the same vibe as a Crenshaw or any other conservative political ad.
The depiction of the January 6th meandering is hilarious.
Okay.
You want to show that?
Democrat.
What are you doing?
LOL.
It was sent at 10.19 a.m.
Oh, God.
LOL, just when I thought the left couldn't be any worse.
Here?
I gotta click play.
Oh, you're fucking slow, dude.
I'm Marcus Flowers, and I've spent my life serving this country in combat zones across the world.
Yes.
But I never thought I'd see one here in the United States.
Oh, you mean in Deepa?
Yeah, it's pretty patriot.
We know that for sure.
That's Marjorie Taylor Greene's America.
Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Marjorie Taylor Green's America is a riot.
People getting hanged.
This one's farther down.
Live show text line idea.
And then he adds another thing, which you're not allowed.
Two things.
I think Matt Walsh watches your show.
Just a random idea.
A lot of radio shows have live text in numbers.
Listeners can text in.
You and Ryan could respond or get correct info sent in live when Ryan can't use Google for shit.
Yeah, like the I was wrong about Brett Weinstein.
That was his brother Eric, everyone was quick to point out.
And then he has this Matt Walsh tweet.
I finally watched some of the Chappelle special and it isn't very good.
It makes a few decent points, but the whole thing feels overly defensive.
Yes.
And almost like an apology.
Also, there aren't many jokes.
And this is what everyone's mad about.
By the way, hate to say it, but Chappelle will probably cave and backtrack from his mild LGBT criticisms.
He's not getting much support from other comedians, and most of the support he is getting is from people he doesn't like, white conservatives.
Just be prepared for that.
Finally, Chappelle's best jokes have already been told on Twitter, I know, because I wrote some of them.
Whoa.
What do you think that means?
I guess he says that Chappelle stole some of his jokes.
Oof.
Did you see the video I sent you of my barber put out?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see.
I'm really not happy about this.
I think it's an invasion of privacy.
There's patient doctor confidentiality, and I think that should apply to a barber.
I mean, you're not a heart surgeon, but you are grooming someone.
It is health-related, and it should be very private.
So the fact that they filmed me getting my hair did, I'm not going to say it's embarrassing, but it's a violation.
Okay, so that's when I first get there.
I got to straighten it out a bit.
It's kind of curly.
And then she gives it some lift.
Right?
Almost done.
We call this the cage.
This is like the chicken wire for the paper mache.
I also have my tattoos covered up when I go there.
And this, everyone's bitching at me about this thing.
It's just giving it a little more body.
I think it looks great.
Thank you.
All that spray thing does is just fill in some gaps.
You know, it's not cheating.
It's just making the hair have more darkness to it.
Everyone does this.
If you brush your teeth, you're basically doing this.
And then I get the back covered up.
Why am I the bad guy in this story?
What did I do wrong?
They're the bad people.
They're the bad people for making my private things look...
That's exactly what the back of my head looks like, by the way.
And then show the other video, Ryan, where I was joking around with my friend Curtis and someone filled it out of context and made me look...
Plus, my beard was longer than I look like shit.
So I'm disappointed this got out.
Oh yeah, that's right.
So there's two of them.
What?
Didn't I send you two videos?
Hello?
No, what is this one called?
Uh...
Well, I thought I sent you a letter.
God, we're not being very organized here.
Okay, okay.
You're new?
Driving machine boofing?
Yes, that's it.
Do your job.
Not that hard.
I told you I sent it separately.
We're hurting the show.
Notice you can't hear what we're saying.
We were having a discussion about farts, and we were saying those fart videos.
They fart at will.
And I said, no, they're adding air in.
And I go, I could put air up your ass, and you would make a fart.
And he goes, bullshit.
And then we were smoking a bit of crack.
I said, I bet if I blow crack up your ass, which is really hard to get to, you can get a buzz.
God, I'm fucking kidding me.
All right, you get the idea.
It doesn't look like a lot of blowing.
It looks like there's licking happening.
I see the joints.
He's trying to get stationed properly.
Stationed?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I have a submission for the mailbag if you're interested.
It's a bald eagle celebrity.
Did this with my own money.
You did?
Ryan Katsu Rivera says, did you hear what the news is saying about the bird, which is the bald eagle?
I don't know what that means.
We'll see if a quick Google will inform me of your reference.
If you're Googling it now, you're not going to find it.
No, I can't.
I mean, a bunch of stories about Adele comes up when I put in Bald Eagle.
He has to type in a bird.
Yeah.
He failed to do that.
He just looked up Bald Eagle and hit the bird.
But when you do the bird, which is the Bald Eagle, nothing comes up.
Sad.
It auto-fills, but it's got nothing to tell you.
It's a thing, but it's not a thing.
That's funny.
That was cool.
When we were playing the baseball championships, my son's coach was like, be that guy.
Be that guy.
The guy who wins a championship.
Hey, Poopy, Shmoopy, and Retard.
I think I'm Poopy.
Maddie gets away with a schmoopy, which is nothing.
He could be schmoopy.
He gets a little schmoopy sometimes.
God, he's on this diabetes medication that makes you full.
I think it's in order to not get fat.
But we're drinking anyway.
And so he reaches like his peak.
And if he has another sip, he's dry heaving because his body goes, that's too much.
And that made me laugh my fucking head off.
I don't know why, but your friend dry heaving is the funniest thing in the world.
Advice for a bald 30-year-old.
No woman right now.
At this point, I have to get more muscle mass, including sexy calves, which I have, by the way.
I am currently slimming down because fat, bald guys are a bummer.
That's correct.
I wear lots of hats, to be honest, because shaving your head is a pain in the ass.
And as you said on Friday's show, the sides grow in so quickly it's not worth it.
You can buy a head of hair for roughly 15 grand near me.
Should I do that?
And if so, when?
I mean, on the one hand, I go, just be you, dude.
Fuck them.
Yeah, you got bald.
I mean, it's not sexy and it sucks to go bald at 30.
But say you're a seven and you go bald.
Now you're a six.
You just went down one.
You could work out like crazy and maybe get up to a 6.5 and only lose 0.5.
But then on the other hand, I think, say you had a future in TV, like Anthony got hair plugs.
Jim Goh did.
I don't think he liked his.
It's also duplicitous.
Anthony got hair replacement surgery.
Okay.
It's also duplicitous if you're breeding because you're saying, hi.
One of the reasons women are attracted to healthy men with a good head of hair is they're subconsciously going, my kids won't go bald.
But if you're bald, it turns women off.
It's a big turnoff.
So what's the solution, Ryan?
What if you were horseshoe bald, Gavin McLeod, worst bald ever, and you had a funny-shaped head at the age of 32?
Your age now.
What are you, 32?
Mm-hmm.
So what if you went bald and you didn't have a wife and kid?
I don't know.
It's scary.
I don't think anything bald is happening yet.
No, no, we're not talking about you.
This is hypothetical dickweed.
But no, even with no balding there at all, I get scared.
So I've thought about it.
Can we jump ahead to the answer, please?
I might cave in and do a chavaroo.
That's not what we're talking about.
He's saying, should I spend 15 grand on?
No.
Unless you have 15 grand.
But you would get a higher quality piece of ass.
If I'm married, I could just get married quick before you lose it all.
No, it's done, dude.
Oh.
But there's other ways to get a great piece of ass.
You can play bass in a band, any band, no matter how shitty.
You could be a Coke dealer.
I don't know, dude.
I think, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think there are instances where it would be worth it.
You're fucking over a lady.
You're giving her a bald son.
But you're getting a hot chick for $15,000.
Like Peter Lloyd.
You know the British dude, gay guy?
I have examined his head like a lice inspector, and I said I could not tell that it was fake.
Or plugs.
Restoration.
No, not him.
Yeah, that guy at the top with the brown.
No.
Him.
Top left.
Now he's a gay, and that's him in the brown jacket.
So, I mean, it's crucial for them to look young.
Wow.
He said his barber couldn't tell.
There's some linage there.
Some very.
Yeah, but you're hunting for it.
Yeah, I am.
Would love to see you discuss on GML this unbelievably retarded video featuring a comedian and the welfare queen with a recent arrest record, high school dropout socialist who's probably going to be Buffalo's next mayor.
I remember this chick.
She's like, I lived on the streets.
I lived in my car.
And now I'm a successful politician.
I don't want you leading us if you can't get your own life together.
I think she has multiple kids with multiple different baby daddies.
Not a good look.
Not a good look.
And now this comedian's, I never heard of him before, but he's fairly popular.
And his thing is like, I'm slow and weird and nerdy and awkward.
But he's popular, so she goes, fine, I'll do a commercial with you, anything to get my name out.
And what follows is one of the least funny things ever to appear on camera.
Oh, man.
Hey, India.
Hey!
I know you're b I don't know.
I was just calling to see if you saw Stefan De This is an anomaly.
This is weird.
Quit Twitter and go back.
I think I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say that seems like it's a Twitter thing.
Yeah, because it's doing it.
And this thing is loading just fine.
Let's see.
Hey, gays, during the live show, in the call-in section, why don't you use the bar studio and have both the boss and Gavin in there so they can use their white indoor voice to talk to each other rather than their black indoor voice.
P.S. is a fellow Scott, shouty drunk.
Gav makes me homesick.
Likes you more than crabs.
Um.
Okay, get that guy.
Get that dude.
All right, dude.
You're coming with me.
Hey.
I know you're busy, but I was just calling to see if you saw Stefan Diggs' catch on Sunday.
Oh, yeah, Joe.
It was so nice.
It was also nice to meet you a few weeks back, but you're a little different than I thought.
How so?
Well, I just couldn't believe how small your head is.
Yeah.
People say that when they meet me.
Yeah, like for someone your height, it was just so tiny.
Yeah.
I bet you avoid getting into arguments with your girlfriend because you're afraid she's going to go get a ketchup cup from a fast food restaurant and put it on your head like it's a hack.
That's actually true.
I'd love to see that.
You should be running to be a roast comedian instead of mayor of Buffalo.
I'll consider it once everyone in Buffalo has a safe and healthy place to live.
Have you been able to take a break since we spoke?
It kind of bummed me out when you said how after winning the primary, you just wanted to take your son to ride the rides at Darien Lake, but couldn't because the incumbent you beat immediately began a write-in campaign with backing in the city's biggest developer.
Make sure that's being patient.
Oh, stop, stop.
I can't take it anymore.
Jesus Christ, what a load of shit.
All right, last letter.
Check out the preview for the Netflix film Passing.
It's about a black chick who puts on white face and lives as a white person in the early 1900s.
Problem is she still looks like a black chick.
In the preview, one of the main characters comments about how well this white woman presents herself, but all she did was dye her hair blonde and not speak Ebonics.
There's no way a normal person of average intelligence would think she was white.
They may not assume she was a Negro, but it's obvious she's of some race besides white.
Clam.
Wait, that woman was black too.
I'm trying to find out the history of the blonde you've brought along.
She's a girl from Chicago I used to know.
Princess from Chicago.
Things aren't always what they seem.
It's easy for a Negro to pass for white.
I'm not sure.
It'd be so simple for a white person to pass for color.
So you haven't ever thought of that.
This is probably brutal.
No, why should I?
Now I have everything I've ever wanted.
This is my husband, Justin.
He's right.
They do not look white.
You dislike Negroes, Mr. Bellew.
No, no, not at all.
I hate them.
This looks like that movie where the guy rapes his dad.
I suppose.
Your life.
But now she's a lesbian?
Have you ever thought of what you'd do if John found out?
I'd do what I want more than anything right now.
I'd come up here to live with you.
Now there's a les twist?
Les Twist.
You think they'd be satisfied being partnering?
Too satisfied being innocent.
Ruth Rickneck.
That's unfortunate.
We're all of us passing for something or other.
Which one's gonna be there?
I said Ruth, nigga.
Yeah, but what's her last name?
Okay, that was disturbing.
Let's get to the final vid.
Crazy bitches.
You know, I remember Maddie saying he was fucking this girl in Florida, and he goes, you're kind of nuts.
And she goes, yeah, the crazy comes free with the pussy.
I've always liked crazy girls.
Like that one getting the massage.
If my wife dies, that's the first one we're going to track down to fuck.
Show up with a wand.
Yeah, hey, you should probably do it, nude.
This is my wand.
So this crazy bitch has doused his entire car with gas, and now she's just trying to get a match on it.
I assume because he cheated on her.
Don't you think?
So now this ninja has to block each match.
Because it's ready to go.
People don't really realize how explosive gas is.
It doesn't just slowly start something.
It pops.
Like when they pour gasol over leaves and they throw a match in, they don't realize you just set off a bomb.
I mean, shouldn't he punch her in the face?
Poppy!
I don't give a fuck about you today.
Do you want to keep doing it?
She gets nice and close.
And then he wants to tap it out.
Well, that's our Monday show, folks.
We had some fun here with some ghost friends, and we learned about shutting our mouths and the meandering.
I wonder what's going to happen with the meandering.
Because aren't we all getting two distinct stories here in Divorced America?
One is that these guys, it was worse than 9-11.
It was war.
And they should be punished for treason.
Treason's a capital offense.
We should just kill them all.
Kill Ethan Nordine and Joe Biggs.
Everyone else involved.
Just murder them.
That's one angle.
And then the other one is we have no evidence.
We're dismantling the commission.
Remember that?
We have evidence the FBI was involved.
This whole thing is a nothing burger.
We have to let everyone go.
Those are two distinct narratives that we are getting at the same time.
What the fuck's going on?
Can anyone do their job, please?
Correctly?
Nope, not in an American divorce.
Anyway, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
You're breathing kind of hard.
Your heart is not beating.
Your heart is not beating.
▲
Export Selection