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Oct. 22, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:30:23
S04E45 - IN DEFENSE OF JOKES
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Time Text
Wow.
That is a great exclamation mark to the end of our garage music week.
What a fucking band they are.
Clearly influenced by Little Richard.
I call him the first screamer, as we discussed last night.
Those others don't count.
And then they were the first to really take it.
And that was 1960, Tacoma, Washington.
Saxophones, the lamest instrument in the world, sounds awesome to them.
From them.
Wow.
What a fucking band.
1960.
They sound like, like, if they were to play a show today, you'd go, whoa, those guys are a little intense.
They're clearly a punk band.
This is 1960.
Rock is like five years old.
Fucking cool.
You know what I did, though, unfortunately?
I saw them recently.
Oh, Ew.
And they're clearly old.
I mean, they're 75.
They're 80, right?
Say they're like 20 in 1960.
Then they are 30 years older than me.
That's 80.
Holy shit.
They look pretty fucking good.
Wait a minute.
Those are some new members.
Plastic surgery?
She has dead eyes.
Anyway, what am I shitting on a fucking...
I find a marvelous band like the Sonics, and I've just got a crap on them.
They've done their part.
Yeah.
They've served their tour.
They've done.
They're vets.
I once, when I had a home in Costa Rica, I had the dude from Japan, the band Japan, Robert Dean, was my guy.
He just lived there.
I won't call him like a houseboy, whatever.
He was the groundskeeper, no, the groundskeeper.
He just lived there, okay?
Because you have to have someone white living there or the Ticos are going to take it.
And he'd seen the Beatles in the 50s.
I mean, the guy's been around.
And I said, so the Sonics screaming like that in the 60s.
I mean, that must have been incredible.
Did you see them?
And he goes, yes.
And I go, that must have been mind-blowing to see that kind of music so early on.
And he goes, well, for those of us that were there, it wasn't that impressive.
And I've turned into him.
I'm Robert Dean now.
Captain Shitty Pants.
Speaking of shitting your pants, Alec Baldwin made the news as we were doing last night's show.
There he is, Robert Dean.
He wanted a Doberman pincer.
And I was like, in Costa Rica, dogs live for an hour and a half because they get attacked by raccoons and snakes.
And then even if they don't die of poison, the cuts get infected.
And so I just got him a mutt.
I go, we'll just have a mutt at the house.
I don't want some elaborate, fancy fucking dog that's $2,000.
I got a free one.
And I go, what do you think?
Let's call him, he wanted to call him Stanley Kubrick.
And I go, what do you think of the new Stanley?
And he goes, he was furious.
And he goes, he looks common.
He looks like every other dog in town.
But yeah, one of the biggest anti-gun loudmouths just shot someone dead as a doornail.
There he is, dealing with the pain.
Now, so we know what blanks are, right?
It's the bullet without the bullet part.
It's all the other stuff, the boom and the everything, but there's no trajectory shooting forward.
But I guess there is some stuff that shoots forward.
Anyway, that's not what happened with this.
It was a live round.
I guess the armorer, they call them, fucked up.
But I don't understand how you shot two people.
And I also don't get why you would point anything at a human being.
I don't, I've never shot a gun with blanks, but I don't think I would aim it at a person, ever.
Like, why risk it?
Alec risked it.
All these gun-hating people don't know how to wield a gun.
Oh, my God.
Sam Elliott.
Hi.
How you doing?
They sure know how to talk about it, but they don't know how to handle an all-new caliber gun.
All-new caliber gun?
So it's a gun that has a caliber that's never been used before.
Yeah, that's true.
I mean, you know, this Alec Baldwin man making fun of our former President Trump.
And that's enough.
But he probably drives a shitty car, not like the all-new Dodge Ram.
Probably drives a Toyota Fiesta or maybe even a Winnebaga.
Kia piece of shit.
Some shitty fucking Korean bullshit.
Would it kill you to buy American?
Isn't that an all-new?
I don't think that's a Dodge Ram.
Pardon?
Nothing.
So he's getting eaten alive on Twitter.
Now, you wouldn't be doing this if it was like some old lady who accidentally shot her neighbor.
But when someone has been such a self-righteous prick, constantly bitching about guns, constantly, you can't help but attack him.
And he's getting attacked By everyone.
Michael Malice, who I don't like because he talks shit about me, and I think I discovered him.
But he was telling people I'm a bad person.
So I may or may not have shoved him.
But I can't deny genius.
And the guy is fucking smart, which is one thing, but he's also witty.
And his Twitter feed murdered Alec Baldwin.
He should be under arrest.
They're going to be out of order.
I fear for your safety.
Alec Baldwin killed her because days prior he received intelligence that she was a planner for ISIS.
That's not funny.
There's no.
Wait a minute.
You're moving around too fast.
So if it's one hour ago, that's way too...
You have to go to Dodo this morning.
That's when he was really cooking.
Dinesh D'Souza, too.
I guess I should have had these links prepared.
I'm going to make a bright banana yell teacher to read.
My hands are up.
Please don't shoot me.
Who wants one?
No, that's Dinesh D'Souza.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
But find me a malice one, dude.
I didn't include a link because his whole feed all morning has been gold.
And you can't show us the gold?
If it's one hour ago, it's going to be all reactions to everyone saying, that's fucked up, Michael.
Give the family time to grieve.
If a loved one, if I have a loved one who dies, I need like 30 years to grieve.
I'm still not over 9-11.
I can't look at that Let's Roll movie.
And just like that, they forget about Gabby Petito.
But you could make fucking...
Amy Sederis, talk about Too Soon.
She made a 9-11 joke as the planes were hitting the building, as the smoke was coming out.
She was dating that junkie who died, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
And while he was looking at the building from their roof in awe like this, she was staring at him.
And he goes, what?
What are you thinking about?
What are you doing?
What are you thinking about?
And she goes, I'm thinking about us.
That was at like 10 a.m. on September 11th.
Anyway, so Alec Baldwin's film career was mostly peaceful.
Yeah, there we go.
Enjoy your viral hour.
What a piece of shit.
Have some respect.
Alec Baldwin just got to kill someone.
Alec Baldwin proves how dangerous white male political extremists are.
Wow.
I guess we know who will be playing Aaron Burr in the Hamilton movie.
Alec Baldwin is an A-list actor.
He has a list of people he gets to murder.
I recommend a little thought experiment for everyone moaning about Michael's jokes.
Imagine, if you will, exactly what Alec would be vomiting all over the place if someone else had done this.
Yeah, great point.
Careful if you say his name three times, you'll summon him, and then he'll kill you and call his daughter a pig.
That's very...
Who's that guy that talks like this?
John Oliver.
Yeah.
John Oliver-esque.
Delivery.
I don't think you know how babies are made.
Have some decency.
You bald, soulless ghoul.
That's not related.
That's a Gabby Petito joke.
Yeah, but no, the guy telling him to be tasteful, he said some shit about Gabby Petito.
Time to take out the laundry.
So he made a joke about her.
That guy just has that face.
Yeah.
Soy face.
I hate your guts.
He looks like a soy or John Oliver, if possible.
Yeah.
And bald guys, you don't have to shave your head bald.
You haven't sinned.
And when you shave your head bald, we still see the stubble on the sides and the bald on the top.
So I don't know who you think you're fooling.
We know you're bald, but you're just like, it's like in ancient China, this is an ancient Chinese secret, but in the days of Wong Feihong, the Chinese weren't allowed to grow their hair in the front or something.
So they would shave it up to here, but then they grow it long in the back and have this long, long braid as like a fuck you to the emperor.
And then the emperor would occasionally cut it, which was the most humiliating thing you could do to a Chinaman back in, I don't know, fucking 1700s, 1800s.
It's like we're doing that.
Like you've sinned by going bald and you have to shave your whole fucking head.
Look at this one.
I had to retweet this.
This is the best one.
Me comes inside.
Her, you better be shooting blanks.
Me.
Yeah, that's what I was going to get to.
That fucking crypt daddy, Gimp, Donovan, I think is the winner.
I've only just discovered him this week.
True.
Have you?
You know, I knew about him a little bit, but no, no, fairly new to it.
I'd probably beat you by a week.
It shows you how random God is with giving the sprinkles.
Black, white, severely handicapped.
He doesn't even look.
I think he just gets up on a cloud and he has the comedy sprinkles and he's just like...
And then we're like, dude, you could have given that to a hunk.
That guy's paralyzed.
See if you can get Donovan on.
Sure, sure.
We have his Skype.
But let's look at more of his tweets before we do.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
I'm getting some breaking news here.
Hello?
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
Well, we'll have to announce it on the show.
Folks, this just in.
More exciting news than Alec Baldwin murdering someone.
Ryan Katsu Rivera is not allowed to eat fast food.
Oh.
I got away with it, to be frank.
To be frank?
Yes.
Ryan last night borrowed $10 from Maddie.
He's got plenty of money.
And we go, why are you borrowing money?
He goes, well, if it's on my credit cards, his wife will see it and she'll know that he's spending money on fast food, which he's not allowed to do.
We have to be a little tight.
No.
And then Maddie went to Taco Bell and he saw you quietly eating in the parking lot.
That's right.
And Maddie had a burrito that cost him $2.80.
I had a box.
It was $5.
Sorry, honey.
Sorry, honey.
Why?
Taco Bell is so cheap that I often assume they got the thing wrong.
It's like $1 for those little slim burritos.
I had a $5 crunchy cheesy box.
Whoa, you're really splurging.
But then another time I was in the car with you and I hear your wife going, I need it now.
And you had to Venmo her $100.
Right, yeah, because we didn't merge our bank accounts quite yet.
And she also doesn't have a card.
She's getting one soon.
And then we'll be able to access all the things that I can access.
Okay, but doesn't she have a bank account?
Like, didn't she have one before?
Yeah, but the money would be, her check would go to my bank account.
Her work check.
Okay.
So everybody's going to be able to do it.
She has no way to need money, yeah.
Okay, so that's absurd in and of itself, but that's been handled.
Now you guys have the same bank account, right?
All right, so let's get back to the initial most embarrassing thing I've ever heard, which is your wife doesn't let you have Taco Bell because it's too, what's the word?
It's splurging.
Extravagant.
That's what I was saying.
Too extravagant.
So you try to borrow money for friends so it'll be off the books and then you skulk away and hide in a parking lot eating a $5 burrito box in your car drenched in shame.
Maddie pulls up to me.
I didn't know who it was.
I just looked and I just kind of nodded in case they made eye contact or something and I didn't know who it was.
And then he's like, nothing wrong with that.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, crunch.
She's like, what'd you get?
I was like, you know, a cheesy, beefy box or whatever the fuck.
Dude, but here's the thing.
I called her.
So I look at my text after the show and she ate all of my Italian cookies.
We went to this Italian bakery and we picked out like a half pound of these nice cookies.
That's not interesting.
Your wife's pregnant.
I don't care if she eats pickled.
Because she ate the cookies, all of my cookies, left me one rainbow cookie.
Yeah, this isn't interesting.
Nothing close to as embarrassing.
She left me one rainbow cookie.
Well, because she did that, I said, I'm going to get Taco Bell, and I don't care if you know it or not.
Oh!
That's right.
This guy's got balls.
The fucking balls on you.
Oh.
You're fucking going out for Taco Bell.
That's a very difficult situation.
I think I'd do a pretty good poly.
I'll do a poly and I'll try to kiss my wife and she's like, I don't want to kiss Polly.
And I'm like this.
I'm like, I told you about those cookies, didn't I, Tate?
Told you.
Yeah, let's distract from the most embarrassing thing that I've ever heard of in my life.
I just want to abide by...
But here's what I don't get.
We have to be.
Taco Bell's cheap.
Like, have you ever heard of fucking a prostitute or buying an eight ball or killing a homeless man?
Like, there's a lot of bad things that married men do.
Taco Bell's not on the list anywhere in the country.
It adds up.
And, you know, we're crunching numbers now and we have to budget quite well, frankly, and we have to look into it.
Yeah.
You know what people on a budget do?
They eat at Taco Bell.
Good point.
That is a good point.
But there was good food at home, and that's the thing.
But I didn't want to go home and cook.
Ryan, it's unacceptable that your wife tells you you can't eat at Taco Bell.
Let's just leave it at that.
If any woman, I'm not talking about your wife, if any woman in any marriage says, no, you can't do that, if it's not infidelity or drugs or alcohol and you're an alcoholic who wets the bed regularly, like some people, tell her to fuck off.
Or don't even say anything.
Just go, what?
Like, that's insane.
Insane.
I'm glad you got my back on this, dog.
I don't have your back.
I'm mad that you let it get this far.
You should be so embarrassed that you tried to borrow $10 from Maddie last night so you could sin and go and have an affair at Taco Bell.
Laugh it up.
Hey, man, can I borrow $10?
I'm doing something my wife can't know about.
Oh, dude, you're fucking a prostitute?
That's fucked up.
No, no, no.
It's something else.
Oh, you do heroin?
Dude, you can OD.
No, no, no, it's not that.
Oh, cocaine?
Well, I guess.
Okay.
I mean, that's not so bad.
No, I want to have a burrito.
A burrito box.
Not just a burrito.
What's in the burrito box?
A cheesy Gordita.
No, a chalupa, a cheesy gordita, like taco, and then a regular taco, and then a drink.
There goes our savings.
Right down the Taco Bell bowl.
So I went to Taco Bell to get a burrito, and she said, no.
And I said, yeah, you're not impressioning your way out of this one, Ryan.
Is Donovan there yet?
Donovan, are you there, sir?
We're here and we're queer.
You know, your name reminds me of that singer who said, this will be our year.
It took a long time to come.
Yeah, I like John Lennon.
No, that's not him.
Yeah, no, it is.
You are having a hell of a year, though, Donovan.
You're on Twitter.
I'm talking about you.
You made it.
Yeah, that's all that matters to me, really.
Now, the only criticism I would have for you, besides the strange shape of your body, is that you're making these Alec Baldwin jokes way too soon.
Really?
Is it too soon?
Yeah, you should wait till Monday.
What's on Monday?
That's the requisite three-day wait.
Is that a rule?
Yes.
Because you need to give the family time to mourn the death of their mother, their daughter, their sister, etc.
I feel like they have other things to worry about than jokes right now.
Well, the other problem with waiting three days is everyone else makes all the good jokes.
That was how I saw it.
I was in a group chat with some of my friends, and they were the ones that broke it to me because they were on 4chan, GoFigure, and it was leaked there before it even hit the news.
Oh, really?
Yeah, Somebody was on 4chan saying that Alec Baldwin had shot and killed people on set and that the story was going to break soon.
And I was like, no fucking way, that's bullshit.
And the moment I googled it, it was like the article was up one minute ago.
Wow.
So I felt like it was my job to capitalize on that.
Now, what do you think happened?
Because I understand if you're playing around with a gun on set, right?
And it goes off and it goes like through a wall and hits someone.
Okay.
But he shot two people.
So that implies that he was like, check this out.
Hey, you.
And then as she was going, oh, maybe he thought she was kidding and then he shot someone else.
Yeah, he was just like, damn, she's good.
We got a good one on here.
Well, she wasn't an actor, too.
She was a cinematographer.
You probably thought, she should be in the movie.
She's so good at this taking a bullet thing.
Wow, she's even fucking bleeding, dude.
Commitment, dude.
Where'd they get the blood packets?
Oh, my God, it's coming out of her mouth.
How did she swallow the fake blood?
That looks amazing.
God move over fucking Daniel J. Lewis.
Would it hurt if we shot you?
I probably would be a little bit in pain, but I mean, as long as you aim from the spine, whatever.
I'm already here.
It's not going to do too much.
Spine schmein.
That's kind of your motto.
Exactly.
That's been the whole thing since day one.
People being like, why do you, how can you say these things and feel okay?
What do I have to lose?
God canceled me.
You can't do any better.
What are you going to do?
Beat me up?
Yeah, whoa.
So your comedy career seems to be taking off there.
I just discovered you recently, enjoying the Alec Baldwin stuff.
I mean, he drew first blood by being such a sanctimonious asshole who does almost nothing but criticize Trump and guns and everything American.
So he's doing a Western, an all-American movie, and then he kills a woman using a gun.
I mean, it's just too perfect to ignore.
Yeah, it's poetic.
I mean, the comedy writes itself.
I didn't even really do anything.
I don't think you have a choice.
Like, all those caliber and bullet puns are going to be gone soon.
Yeah, I had to do it right as it happened.
I'm sorry.
If you see anything, my mom's over here taking a flash.
Listen, I'm not going to post it.
I'm just sending it to Anna because I'm happy for you.
I told my mom, I had to get up really quick.
And she came in the room.
I was like, why?
Who are you talking to?
I was like, Gavin.
And she was like, Gavin.
I know I know that name.
And I was like, are you aware of any sort of political movements?
Any group of people?
And she was like, oh, awesome.
My people.
I feel like she should be a member of the plus size movement, being overweight.
I keep telling you that too.
Right, Mom?
Yeah.
That's a huge movement right now, and it's popular.
They're considered models now.
Like you could model for Victoria's Secret now.
That's how popular morbidly obese women are in today's pop culture.
I know.
It's just really hard because you can't really throw them that far.
So you have to roll them everywhere.
They take all my credibility away from me because the people who get fat people as being disabled now.
They are.
It just feels like stolen value.
Yeah, it is.
It's like blackface.
I was on an Indian reservation once, and this woman was taking her kids out of the minivan.
They were so spherical that she was rolling him.
He was not old, too.
He was like nine years old.
And he was voluntarily paralyzed, rolling him out there.
Yeah, see, I can't.
I have such a bitter thing towards fat people ever since they made me move my seat at Disney World so the fat people can get a better seat at the Line King show.
And ever since then, I've just had it out for them.
That theater, when they were designing that theater, they went, oh, what about the Gimps?
Oh, they'll have this spot.
And then, nope, move it over.
Okay, last question before we let you go.
You obviously don't get laid a ton, right?
Actually, quite the contrary.
Oh, you're drowning in pussy?
Me and my girlfriend, we've been going steady for a while.
Oh, shit.
Okay, well, that ruins my question because I was going to say, would you fuck Lizzo if we were to plop you on top of her nude?
I feel like I wouldn't have a choice.
My dick is just going to fall into a fold, and it's just going to happen.
It's rape.
All we have to do to rape you is throw you on a Lizzo, and it'll find its way.
I could get her belly button pregnant.
Have a little belly button, kids.
We're showing her right now.
God, she's fucking hideous.
All right, thanks for coming to the show.
We'd love to have you back as soon as possible.
Absolutely.
Anytime.
Cheers, buddy.
A regular is born.
It'd be great to have him on.
A star is born.
It's weird because you think he goes, yeah, I can do it.
And you go, okay, good.
Let's get out now.
He goes, well, hold on.
Because his mom has to pick him up.
Hold on.
Dress him and shit.
Put his shirt on.
Also in the news, some bad news, Vic Berger molested a child.
Oh, my.
Yeah.
And you think you know a guy, and you think he's an ally, a proud ally.
He's got the rainbow, and then you find out, well, it's always, you don't have to look far to find the ones that leave the deepest scar.
Man charged with sexual battery.
Tishimanigo County man has been arrested following an investigation into the sexual assault of a 15-year-old juvenile.
You got to wonder when, like, that's why I always tell people, you should feel comfortable around the archie bunkers of the world.
They're the ones who are going to grab guns when the state says it's time to kill all gays.
They're going to be on the front lines protecting gays.
The homophobes are.
The allies are going to be the first ones to throw everyone under the bus.
I actually don't think that was Vic Berger after all.
I've got it wrong.
I'm sorry about that.
Well, I don't know, Because on his hard drive, they found videos of children edited together deceptively with spooky music in the background.
Yeah.
His whole fucking existence is just ripping off Derek Beckles.
Same with Tim and Eric.
That whole thing is Derek Beckles' TV carnage.
So the Chappelle thing is still going.
Yeah.
For Vog's sakes.
And some nerds named Vito that I don't like, by the way, are getting there.
You know who was, you may have to dig this up.
Eric Weinstein.
You know that guy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wait, yeah, yeah.
He was on our side.
He's the guy who they said all white people have to leave the campus.
And he went, seems a little racist.
He was on Rogan a bunch, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
So he's given up.
He's cracked under pressure.
Now he's an ally.
And we just saw how well that usually works out.
But he was there at the Chappelle things defending the trans.
No.
Like attending the Netflix walkout protesting Dave Chappelle.
If you think this is just about people who can't take a harmless joke.
Yeah, it is.
Trans people are dying every day.
Trans people are getting murdered by their thug Coke dealer boyfriends because they like bad boys.
There's no homophobes.
The KKK mega men are not assassinating trans because they think they're weird looking.
We don't give a fuck about trans people.
We don't like it when they're near our kids.
We don't like it when they come into the bathroom.
But as far as their day-to-day and wanting them not to exist, we don't think about you.
Sorry.
Sorry, gays and fat people.
You're part of that too.
But what the fuck is Weinstein doing there?
At the Chappelle Walk.
Hey, everyone.
Hi, shithead.
I happen to be at some level.
Just stop.
Can we just, just for the record, in case you haven't seen the special, it's about how jokes are being censored.
And then he has this, I think it was 2PC.
Black Nanette, we call it.
He said, yo, don't make fun of it.
Like when you attack me and then you attack someone for being my friend.
I'm not doing a very good deep Chappelle.
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
You got to do like a southern accent and got a scratchy voice.
Kumia made me feel very insecure about my Chappelle.
So I can't do it anymore.
I'm impotent.
But at the end, he goes, you know, when you attack a trans person for being friends with me, they end up killing themselves.
So don't do it.
It's kind of fucking gay.
But still, the message of his special was stop bullying and stop being so uptight.
Okay, so it's not an anti-trans fucking thing.
But you pussy losers have made it that.
And now we're seeing that some of our own, Eric Weinstein, some of the canceled class, are desperately trying to cling on to this as a way to re-ingratiate themselves with the political left.
Which makes you look like such a cuck, Eric.
Fuck you.
So what's 1-3?
Oh, yeah, so that's a good footage of it.
So these dudes show up and they go, jokes are funny, we like jokes.
That's Dick Masterson.
Oh, right.
This is the second person on the show we don't like that we've been giving props to.
Yank, you can't deny quality.
Dave is funny.
Dave is a very funny guy.
I like his jokes.
I'm the jerk of the protest now.
I like his jokes.
I'm the jerk at the protest now.
So he did a little video of it.
What's one for?
Fucking one for.
This is the defend the jokes.
We like jokes, I guess we'll call it.
Why is he breaking my sign?
Why is he breaking my sign?
Don't priest be trained.
Wow, looks like I've sure got myself in a sticky situation.
I wonder how I'll get out of this one.
Anyway, that's the, he goes on to explain it.
Here's kind of a bummer, folks.
First of all, if someone grabs your sign, just punch them in the face.
You don't just sit there and let someone take your stuff and destroy it.
That's un-American.
That's what pussies do.
Like grab it from him, shove him.
And then you know what they did after?
Now he's stuck with a broken stick.
They go, the same guy who broke his stick goes, he has a weapon.
Right.
So, you know, I don't want to get into legal trouble here, but it's one could argue that violence is the solution in this particular case.
But instead, that dude Vito is pressing charges.
Oh.
Like, at my old house in the country, there was a giant sign that just had a picture of a gun and it said, we don't call 911.
Meaning, I will kill you if you come here.
I won't call the police.
I'll kill you.
I'll drag the body inside.
I'll put an illegal gun in your hand.
And say you attack me.
That's a little extreme.
But like getting the police, filing a police report on someone for breaking your sign, how weak are we?
We're like below high school.
You wouldn't do that in high school, right?
We've gone below that.
We're weaker than 13-year-olds.
We're babies.
If someone took a toddler sign and you couldn't beat him up, I would understand pressing charges.
That's a little baby.
But like, you're a grown man.
He's a grown man.
Why are you getting the police involved?
That's not what they went to the academy for.
And then someone brought up the elephants in the room, 1-5.
Anyone who's seen the special has seen these big fat dykes that were right in the front.
And you could see them not laughing at certain jokes.
And you're just watching it going, I bet they were.
That's a terrible picture, Ashton.
But you remember these girls?
Big fat blue hairs?
I don't remember them, but...
How could you, have you seen the special?
No.
Well, then you're showing them?
Why have you not seen at least some of the special?
I watched some of it.
I did.
We started it, and I just couldn't keep focused on it.
I was like, all right, you know, I don't know.
yeah, there's these big, ugly dykes in the front row with like purple hair, and you saw them not laughing at certain jokes, and you just sort of went, uh-oh.
And then I was also, when I was watching the special, I was thinking, that must be distracting when you're doing a bit and you can see the offended people right there, and you know they're going to be writing letters and complaining and trying to get you canceled.
And you're in the thick of it.
Like, you must want to attack them.
Which brings us to LGBT.
Lesbian, gay.
From now on, I'm calling them the LG community.
Bisexuality is bullshit.
It's a myth.
You're either straight, a lesbian, or you're gay.
And if you want to form an alliance, LGs, go Benenes.
But you don't have a lot in common.
Why are you ugly?
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
And then we fell in love.
And then they eat their poo-poo, and we have a very good relationship.
You don't want to see a close-up picture of my animals.
You ain't gay me.
You are gay.
Homophobe alert.
You are gay.
So, remember that idiotic Jewish man who grew tits and thinks he's abroad and now he's the head of health?
Well, he just got promoted.
He's now some weird four-star general.
He's not a four-star general, but he's a decorated officer.
And guess who's supporting it?
Well, everyone, but Charlotte Clymer.
Remember her?
The social climber?
Remember this guy?
Oh, yeah.
That's the guy from our favorite meme.
The posture, the posture meme.
The one where he's standing over this woman, and it just, his shoulders, his body language, everything about it screams man.
And he's with a woman who's diminutive and submissive and everything about her screams female.
His bio should be writer, lesbian, meme, veteran, Hoya.
What's Hoya?
Gavin's favorite meme.
Hoya.
Writer, lesbian, veteran, Hoya.
What?
I'm trying to make up something funny, but nothing's coming to me.
Okay, you fools, what a handy guide to all this and expert PB and Js.
Men love PB and Js.
It's not a chick food, dude.
You notice, too, there's this other tranny.
What the fuck's his name?
Parker Malloy.
And if you look at his Twitter feed, it's all like a lot of sports shit.
Like the fucking Cardinals are fucking up again.
Come on, assholes.
It's called defense.
It's called baseball IQ.
What the fuck are you doing?
And you're like, you're a dude.
Well, there's a lock.
Successful comedian who doesn't make jokes.
Anyway, can you not find the Charlotte Climber meme?
We got to see it.
There might be one or two monster baby monsters who don't know what we're talking about.
That would be a shame.
Truly a wonderful moment.
Dr. Rachel Levine, HHS Assistant Secretary, has become the first openly transgender four-star uniformed officer.
I don't know what the fuck that means.
Nobody does.
In her role leading the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps.
This makes me so proud and hopeful.
Check out her swearing in.
Now the first trans four-star officer.
There it is.
There it is.
You're not a woman, dude.
Look at you.
And look at her.
Like, ladies and gays, when you see her, do you understand why we're straight?
Like, these real women, get me out of the way for a second here.
Just like, look at her shoulders and they're so special.
They're like fawns.
They're just so wonderful.
Their ankles, the way they walk, the way they sort of have trouble carrying things, the way they ride bicycles like Kermit the Frog.
You notice women on bicycles, they just, they look so precarious.
Like when we're on bikes, we're like going through traffic like bike messengers.
But when they're on them, even my wife, I'm just like, you look like if you hit a popsicle stick, you'd die.
Four-star officer.
See, this is why all those people are gathered around because one of them can actually ride a bike and not be awkward.
Guinness book of records for just riding a bike.
Oh, well, now she's...
Oh, she's me when I was seven.
Now she's going loco.
Okay, do a trick.
Right now, you're just a 12-year-old boy.
As far as talent goes.
All right, I think you've warmed up.
We're ready.
All right.
Yep.
And this is kids at school joking around in the parking lot.
That was fucking pathetic.
Wait, there's more?
Do a handstand or something.
Oh, whoa.
No, still.
We're still like, this is every black kid in the Bronx right now.
Okay, there we go.
That's cool.
That's cool.
But it's also very belly.
This is a Charlotte Climber biking.
This is for females.
Doing it for my sister.
She packed her own parachute, too.
That looks fucking fun.
Imagine how fun that is.
You got to ask Charlotte.
Mainstream media is gaslighting you.
I thought, if my wife and Barry Weiss's husband die in a plane crash, I will have the requisite grieving time, which we agreed talking to Donovan that it's four days.
I'll have a four-day cry, and then Barry Weiss and I are getting married.
Because we're going to find each other solace in our grief.
We're both lamenting our dead spouse.
This thing is, every single molecule of this interview is gold, but this particular segment is diamond.
You're right.
There are tens of millions of Americans who aren't on the hard left or the hard right who feel the world has gone mad.
So in what ways has the world gone mad?
Stop.
When you're not.
This is classic Brian Stelter, the Turgid Tattletale.
Total denial.
Every time he takes a point from the left, I mean from the right and he goes, what?
You think January 6th is overblown, yet there was riots?
Actually, it's CNN's business model.
What?
You think that these protests are violent?
They're mostly peaceful.
You're standing in front of a fucking fire, dude.
Yeah, it's fiery, but it's peaceful.
Campfires, bonfires, peaceful.
Acoustic guitars.
Marshmallows.
Marshmallows are roasted, my friend.
Well, we made the same joke at the same time.
Correct.
That means we're in live.
Parallel.
Oh, or that.
Able to say out loud and in public that there are differences between men and women, the world has gone mad.
When we're not allowed to acknowledge that rioting is rioting and it is bad, and that silence is not violence, but violence is violence, the world has gone mad.
Young school children, as young as kindergarten, are being separated in public schools because of their race.
And that is called progress rather than segregation.
The world has gone mad.
There are dozens of examples that I could share with you and with you.
Who else knows this?
You say we're not allowed, we're not able.
Who's the people stopping the conversation?
You.
People that work at networks, frankly, like the one I'm speaking on right now, who try and claim that it was racist to investigate the lab leak theory.
It was a problem.
But I'm just saying, when you say allowed, I just think it's a provocative thing you say.
You say, we're not allowed to talk about these things, but they're all over the internet.
I can Google them.
I can do them all over the internet.
I can Google them.
So is baby fucking dude.
Of course, people are allowed to cover whatever they want to cover.
But you and I both know, and it would be delusional to claim otherwise, that touching your finger to an increasing number of subjects that have been deemed third rail by the mainstream institutions and increasingly by some of the tech companies will lead to reputational damage,
perhaps you losing your job, your children sometimes being demonized as well.
And so what happens is a kind of internal self-censorship.
This is something that I saw over and over again when I was at the New York Times.
I see it as a lot of manipulation and whether it's intentional.
Yeah, you want to talk about not allowed?
My son, when we moved to Westchester, there was a parent who pushed for nobody to draft my son in baseball.
He was seven years, no, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13.
He was eight years old at the time, just starting out baseball.
And because of my probably 10 things I hate about the Jews, satirical video, they weren't going to let my son play sports.
So not allowed.
Yeah, that's not allowed.
Well, you don't get thrown in prison.
Really?
Jeff did 52 weekends for fighting Antifa, who ambushed him after my talk.
Max and John are still rotting away at Governor and Bear Hill today.
Please send them a note.
Speaking of sending notes, Friday is where we catch up on everything.
And I've had all these videos that I've stuck in the final video accumulating.
And I thought, we need to get through these because I don't want you to not see them.
But viral videos age like rotten fruit.
So I thought it'd be a good opportunity to bring back ridiculosity.
Ryan, if you give me a moment to change into my wigger wear.
Sure.
Canadian style.
Yo, yo, yo.
What's up, what's up?
Welcome to a new edition of Ridiculosity, the video show where we put together a bunch of really cheap videos and spend nothing on the show and just look at viral videos that you've all seen before.
But anyway, we got to clean up the computer.
I got my co-star there, some chick I used to fuck that I keep around and she's cool with it because today in modern relationships, you can just fuck a chick and then throw her away and no one gives a shit.
So today's theme of ridiculosity is WWYD.
What would you do, yo?
So let's start with this classic thing going around right now.
It's an Instaclassic.
And this Marine dude thwarts a robbery.
And I don't know, what would you, like, I don't want to hear how you would do the same thing?
Because you don't know that until you've been there.
So I think if you're honest with yourself, you're watching this and you're like, I hope that I would do something almost as badass, but I might just like put my head down and hope I don't get shot.
And what should you do?
That's another question.
Like, did this guy do the smart, wise thing?
He did the cool thing.
Bam, bam.
Grab, punch.
Boom.
It's almost like it's muscle memory, too.
Like, he did it like a boxer would do a punch, but it was gun, grab, bow.
And then the other guy just pussies out and gets the fuck out of there.
All right, next one.
Oh, this is a fun thing.
I'd like the baby monsters to do.
What would you do?
I want you to do this.
Get a storage fucking bin on your bed upside down.
Start freaking out your significant other.
Wow, that didn't take very long for him to freak the fuck out.
What the fuck?
What fool you?
What fool you?
I don't think he understands what the prank was.
He thinks that she did get possessed or something and then I think this prank's too intellectual for him.
Go to the next one.
She's good.
The hair is a nice effect, isn't it?
I guarantee you when I do this, and I'm going to do this, my wife is just going to be stopped.
Promise you.
So she's sitting on something.
How small is their fucking bed?
Are they in a single bed?
Okay, that's enough.
That one's stupid.
Oh, this one looks good.
So anyway, baby monsters, please start doing that and sending it in, yo.
Here's a fun one.
Here's some shitty, weird parents who are strange to look at, but they've made these awesome kids and all they had to do was take them away from our disgusting, toxic, garbage, shit pop culture.
I've grown up without a TV.
I don't think I need one.
Correct.
I love soccer and football and basketball.
Well, basketball.
Do you know who Tom Brady is?
I don't think so.
I have Chapter Spider-Man.
Who is Spider-Man?
Aww.
Wait, what did she say, Ryan?
I know who Spider-Man is.
Who is Spider-Man?
I have Chapter Spider-Man.
I have Separta Spider-Man.
I have heard of Spider-Man.
Who is Spider-Man?
Papur to Spider-Man.
I have Chapter Spider-Man.
I have Spurred of Spider-Man.
Aww.
Something that I don't know.
Do you know who LeBron James is?
Not really.
Our children may not know who Justin Bieber is, but we're okay with that.
It's not important to us.
He looks like a CGI face.
Like, how much a cup?
Three cups.
We weren't allowed to eat any sugar when we were growing up.
Honey is sugar, by the way, but like a sugar.
It's natural, but it's still sugar.
He's never had any sugar.
It's not as refined as the sugar we've ever.
Anyway, it's neither here nor there.
This is a guy.
But they don't know what a Coke is, if you understand.
They've never tasted it.
Experientially, they've never had a Coke.
Can you believe that?
Yeah.
He seems like one of those teachers that's way too enthusiastic about the subject.
Here's the classic WWYD.
So this is a dude on a bus in New York City, and the question is, if he's getting out of a bus, say it's going 10 miles an hour, would you let him?
I'm going to go with, yeah, fuck him.
Like, what?
It's not going that fast, dude.
Worst, he bonks his noggin and gets knocked unconscious.
New York City, cars don't travel fast.
I don't think I would bother with this shit.
By the way, stop seeing everything through a racial lens, America.
Assholes are black, good guys are black.
Assholes are white, good guys are white.
This is just a crazy homeless guy.
Cops are black.
Whoa, what's going on there?
We're having some technical difficulty.
So then it slows down to a safe level, and now he's threatening to spit on people.
And the guy's like, get the fuck out of here.
What's that?
What a burger?
Smash burger?
Bro, I could go for one of those.
Let's go to Grand Central after this, Ryan.
Oh, I'm scary.
Okay, here's one.
Yo, Ryan, you ever been chased by a chicken man?
If you're chased by a chicken man, what do you do?
I would stop.
I would not run.
I'm not scared of monsters.
The other day, my son, he didn't want to walk through the forest to get to where we were going.
I was meeting him there and it was dark.
So he went around the pathway and went onto a highway, a major thoroughfare.
And I go, what are you doing?
He goes, I just couldn't walk through the forest.
I go, what are you, a pussy?
And he goes, I just saw Halloween three days ago.
And I go, that's a make-believe thing.
Okay?
Highways are real.
Cars are real.
You were way more in danger from getting hit by a real-life car than you were the monsters, the fucking Jason Voorhees and Mike Myers waiting for you in the trees.
So this is a real dude, but what's he going to do?
You can take him.
Calm down.
Actually, you know what?
If I'm being honest, I might run.
Like, I don't even want him to lick me.
And it's not just his arms that are fucked up.
I think he's nuts.
Like, what's going on with his foot?
Did you see his foot?
His right foot?
Something's on it.
Something's getting good at him, if you will.
Well, maybe it's just like a piece of tape or something.
I don't know.
I don't know what I would do.
I think I might run, actually.
I talked to big game, but now that I'm...
The fun part about this game is you really try to be 100% honest with yourself.
That's always a challenge because sometimes you don't like what you see when you look behind the ego curtain.
Oh, this one, this isn't really a what would you do?
This is just a tear jerker I threw in there.
You should do this.
Just like the possession prank.
So he gets his kid a new bat.
Good games day to day, right?
These are getting expensive, by the way.
I get my kid a new bat.
It can be 350 bucks.
Y'all are still mad at me?
Huh?
For what?
By the way, when you're doing something cool for your kid, you don't need to film it.
You don't need to go viral.
You don't need everyone to know that you were a good dad.
Although this does pan out pretty awesome.
Big game today.
Big game today.
I gotta get something out of the trunk.
Get that bag from out the trunk.
Yay.
What?
Really building it up, aren't you?
I think this is the thing with black dads.
They just, everything they do they think is magic because they stuck around.
Shit.
It's just an empty box.
Happy birthday.
Why are you laughing?
Don't cry.
You're about to make me cry.
Don't cry.
Pull it out.
Yeah, don't cry.
You're being a mental.
That could be 350.
Isn't that mental?
It's because the fucking league keeps coming up with these new stickers, these new types of bats.
Because I think one kid got hit in the chest and he died.
So ever since then, we have to have the perfect, safe bat.
And they keep changing the restrictions so they can make more money.
It's a fucking scam.
Cool stance.
So anyway, no, no, keep going.
What are you doing?
This gets good, trust me.
Give me something.
I always got to put my hands like this.
I love you.
Makes you look like I know what you're doing.
You want to go to this game, hit some home runs, right?
That's right.
Don't worry, it's going to get good.
There he is.
His new bat.
Dad's past the outfield.
That's a strike.
He's got a big ego.
Sometimes the coach will tell you to don't swing at the first ball.
It fucks up the pitcher.
I just say swing at everything.
Unless it's terrible.
Beautiful.
Pop the line.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm doing it, boom.
I'm doing it, baby.
Yeah.
Let it go, boo.
Back home run, kid.
Guys, make babies.
I can't convey to you how awesome this must feel.
A kid getting a home run.
I've got my boy's first home run ball on the wall here in the studio.
It's a major fucking deal.
It feels awesome.
And then you're screaming and cheering.
He runs back to his teammates.
They all run out, get out of the dugout.
They're all jumping on each other.
Or is it the bullpen?
They're all freaking out, going nuts.
It's amazing.
And it's not funny, but it's a good feeling.
This one, CGI is getting way too good.
This isn't a what would you do?
This is just a cool video that we have on ridiculousness, ridiculosity.
I mean, this is CGI.
Look how fucking amazing it is.
The only reason I know this is CGI, by the way, is because I read the comments.
It's almost better than reality.
Have we reached this stage where technology is better than our eyes?
Like if I'm looking at a bug or something, I'll take a picture of it and then look at it on my phone because I like the zoom in better than these guys.
Yo, Ryan, have you ever been run over?
If you run over someone, get out of your truck and make sure that you're not still on them.
If you're not still on them, then stop moving.
Don't just start reversing going forward.
That's how you murder someone.
You know what they do in China?
You have to pay the medical bills of someone you hit with your car, but obviously you don't have to pay medical bills if they're dead.
So they'll hit someone and then just keep running over him until he's dead.
It's now come to America.
Grind face.
Oh, Jesus.
And then look, he's going to live.
He's doing okay.
And then, oh my God, that went over his head.
What's the moral of this story, folks?
A, that's got to be a woman.
Don't let women drive.
We got to adopt Saudi Arabian rules.
B, what are you doing on a scooter, you geek?
I'm not joking.
Oh, this is brutal.
I think when I get back to the desk, I think there's an update on this, but I put this on the list a while ago.
Hey, Ryan, have you ever been smashed in between two cars while you were trying to do a stunt?
All right.
This is the guy from Dancing with the Stars, I guess.
And he thought it would be funny if he had two cars swinging down, smashing together, and then he gets out at the last second.
But for some reason, the release gave him a little bit of a tug first.
Oh, this is what he does?
He's a stunt guy.
Well, at least we know it's real, because he's almost dead from this particular move.
There it is.
Can't you try it first with a dog?
No offense to dogs.
God, I know there's people watching right now that goes, fuck that.
I like dogs more than humans.
Okay, here we go.
And pull him up first.
Bang!
Guys, this video you're about to see is absolutely crazy mad.
Thanks, yeah.
I mean, I don't know why anyone finally this is just going around.
This is not a what would you do?
This is just something that we need to cover.
The island boys.
Let's check it out on ridiculosity.
There's no good reason to include this in the mix.
Why is your dad let them get facial tattoos?
Why are you wearing leggings in the pool?
Jesus Christ, white boys get polluted easily, don't they?
Like garbage culture.
Compare these guys to the guys who don't know who Spider-Man or LeBron James is.
We have a problem in this country with our fucking culture.
Let's check in on the island boys.
I think they're on Bar School Sports.
So the Island Boys were on Barstool Sports.
This is what they've got.
They do have a hook.
So say you're at a recording studio that you've booked and the band's there and you're like, I got something.
I got something.
And they're like, okay, what do you got?
Island boy, I got my red suit on.
42 hours later, you've put a song together.
But these guys have just taken that initial idea and it's their identity.
Congratulations.
That's the first stanza.
Yeah.
Before they head out, we got to get a live island boys reinaction here.
I'm just an island boy.
I'm going to have to keep a game.
When you're the keyword boy, I'm going to keep gang no chain.
I'm going to rock it all like chains.
Legit like the lame.
I don't want to do the rain.
I'm a just island boy.
I'm a just island boy.
With my chest so long.
Would he keep testo long?
When I have a tiny bit of money.
Hey, parents.
When your kids want facial tattoos, the answer is no.
Looks like they are island boys, though.
There's palm trees.
Florida's an island.
It's a peninsula.
If you chop the top, if you put a river in the top, that's true.
If you were to do that, then yes.
Oh, someone made a song.
Imagine being those guys in those dancing chairs and thinking that you made a cool thing that looks cool.
So much of an ass there, black lady.
Can I just, speaking of dancing, this woman, this is 2-0 I want to talk about.
She's getting pilloried by the left and the right.
The left say that she's appropriating Native American culture.
Some Native American, which I call bullshit on, by the way, he's probably 5%, said that he started filming this because he felt that she was committing violence against him and his culture.
The right just see actors acting kooky, and we've been so used to these assholes fucking up their jobs and brainwashing our kids that we see a woman doing that and we think this is more liberal bullshit.
Stop!
Stop!
Count to five.
One, two, three, four, five.
You're both wrong.
Leave this poor woman alone.
She's teaching math to teenagers, which is herding cats.
I don't want to do it.
Do you want to do it?
She's teaching trigonometry to teens and trying to think of a way she can really sandblast into their heads sine cosine tangent.
Sine cosine tangent.
Sakatoa.
Sakatoa.
Sakatoa.
So she comes up with an Indian chant.
No, lefties, this is not offensive to Indians.
Indians had a sense of humor up until you brainwashed them into trying to cash in on pretending to be offended at Chief Wampum.
So no, this is Indians, if they're being honest with themselves, are not remotely offended by this.
It doesn't matter.
The same way Scots, if they saw her with a red nose and a kilt with a bottle of whiskey, going, socketoa, sock it to me, socket to me, socket to me.
Exact same thing.
And as far as righties go, dude, who's forgetting Sokatoa?
Who's forgetting sine cosine tangent in that room ever again?
Is that right?
Go to the roller coaster.
Okay.
So go, towa, soka, towa, soka, towa, sokoa.
By the way, just pause.
This is a little off topic, but remember earlier I was talking about women and how just their gestures, just like their knees, the way their legs move.
Like she's trying to be funny.
She's being silly.
She's being a clown.
And she's doing a great job, by the way.
But even in her clowny silliness, and even with a little bit of a gunt, like there's just something special about her.
I can't explain it.
Suck my toe, she jokes.
She's funny.
She's on the spectrum, obviously.
You have to be to be an advanced math expert.
I'm fucking mad when I see this.
I get to go home.
It's sort of like when I see parents at baseball.
My kids' last team, the coach told me that me and my wife are the only parents out of the whole team that didn't give him shit about something during the year.
It's a real pain in the ass to coach baseball.
It consumes your whole weekend.
It's a big part of your week scheduling everything.
Like, I wouldn't dare complain.
It's sort of like the bartender.
I never give the bartender shit.
I need to get high off his supply.
But these people that shit on coaches and teachers, I mean, we shit on teachers when they deserve it.
But please, make sure they deserve it before you come at them.
Praying to a trans flag, making the kids recite your ridiculous pronouns, that's all worth mockery.
This woman's busting her ass.
Please stop.
Leave her the fuck alone.
That's going to bring us to my pet Biden.
Because the fists made me reminded me of his dementia, but I'll explain in a second.
Biden.
Biden.
Sleepy.
Biden.
What?
That doesn't mind.
I didn't even notice.
It goes well.
I didn't even notice.
That's weird.
So having dementia is like being wasted, but without the good parts.
It's being disoriented.
I would liken it to being in a windstorm.
Now, say we were in a massive storm right now.
It's raining like crazy.
There's wind blowing everywhere.
There's lawn chairs whipping down the street.
And I was going to tell you a phone number.
555.
Notice Hollywood-friendly numbers on the show.
555-6814.
Okay?
You got it?
Now, if it was in a storm and it was a matter of life or death that you remember this phone number, you wouldn't be like, what?
What's the number?
You'd be going like this.
Wait, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Okay.
Say it once clearly and I will memorize it.
I've already forgotten the number, by the way.
55566814.
Like, I need to concentrate.
I need to figure this out.
I'm so confused right now.
I'm so easily distracted.
I'm having a lot of trouble staying on the rails.
This train is about to go off the tracks.
I need to hold the train on the track.
That's why people with dementia go like this.
Joe Biden has dementia.
Look at his motherfucking hands.
He looks like he's playing those AI VR games.
Oculus Rift.
Yes.
I fashioned up what that might look like.
That looks very reasonable compared to reality.
Yeah.
That joke makes everything fit nicely.
He's got a perfect Oculus form.
Yeah.
Oh, he's probably really good.
But not standing there talking form.
No, not great.
I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
Ricky Bobby.
Ricky Bobby, at least.
Pissed excellence.
Pissed excellence.
Joe probably pisses himself.
Just in terms of inflation, because you had told us at a town hall, I think it was in July, that this was just near-term inflation.
The Wall Street Journal recently talked to like 67 financial experts who said that they are deep into that.
This should go viral.
It is fucking embarrassing.
15 seconds at least.
No one's done that.
Dude, I'm telling you, I don't care if I was in court.
I don't care if I'm at a bar.
I don't care if I'm making love to my wife.
If someone goes like this, I would go, what are you doing?
I would stop whatever we were doing and say, what's going on?
And the person would go, what?
And I'd go, what are you fucking cutting the palms of your hands with your fingernails?
What is this about?
Are we fighting?
Rock'em, sock'em, robots.
Here he is.
So this was all from the town hall.
Here he is saying trying to say and removing a lot of articles like the and and and she'd had.
He's trying to say two separate things.
I speak Biden, so I'll explain it to you.
He's trying to say one, actually no, you listen to it first, then I'll tell you what, the two separate things he's trying to say in his weird mad libs voice.
So when the drug deal was going down, she'd pick up the phone and call and say to the police officer with the cell phone that the drug deal is going down, knowing that she would never be fingered, knowing that she would never be the one told it happened.
And so crime began to drop.
They had to know who owned the local liquor store.
They had to know and walk in and shake hands with the local minister.
They had to know that number.
So when a drug deal was...
Okay, so let me explain.
In the old days, when a woman would say there's a drug deal going down, it wasn't like today.
And you know what happens today?
They find the woman and they put their fingers in her vagina.
They diddle her bean.
Didn't know that.
Yes.
Most police today, if they get a tip about a drug deal, they will go to the woman's house and finger her.
They call it the upside-down jogger, I believe.
Well, what does that do?
Well, if she's into it, which is almost never, it would give her an orgasm or make her feel nice.
Oh, but if she's guilty, she can't climax because she has guilt on her mind.
Correct.
Women need their brain to come.
Yes.
I see.
And the second thing he was doing is he was talking about the old days with cops where they would know everyone in the neighborhood and they would go to the liquor store and they'd get free booze.
Actually, that's true.
Did you know in the 90s in South Bronx in this neighborhood, I talked to cops who were cops back then.
At the end, the second part of their shift, they wouldn't drive, right?
So they could drink.
So they would, everyone wanted the first, to drive the first half of the shift because then they could relax in the second half and have some booze.
They go into a bodega, get a packet of Newports and a Corona or A Heineken.
Yeah, Heineken was the big beer back then.
There wasn't a lot of bud around.
And they would just sit and have their cigarettes and fucking drink their beer.
So booze was free.
My joke just became true.
She'd pick up the phone and call and say to the police officer with a cell phone that the drug deal's going down, knowing that she would never be fingered, knowing that she would never be the one told.
Did you ever finger your wife?
I don't want to get into it, but frankly, I mean, I've done everything a man could do to a woman with her.
And there's going to be plenty more.
There's going to be a lot more doing.
Why would you finger?
I would only finger a girl at this age if my dick, we already had sex like twice and my dick was just done or we were doing drugs and I couldn't get it up.
But like fingering, like no one fingers their wife.
I don't know.
I like to, I'm pretty good with my hands.
I mean, they say I got small hands, but look at this.
Do you do the upside-down jogger?
I haven't done the upside-down jogger literally in 30 years.
I do the jug.
I do the sprint.
Sometimes I sprint in there.
Like this.
And that's it.
That's what I do.
It's like not a big deal.
Sex, it's like not a big deal.
And so crime began to drop.
They had to know who the owner local liquor store.
They had to know and walk in and shake hands with the local minister.
They had to know that number.
So they shake hands with the minister after fingering because he can't do anything because he's a minister and he's sworn to.
But he smells it after.
Right.
You'll see a lot of ministers after they meet guys that have been fingering and they're like.
Remember that?
I think women were more pungent.
Excuse me for this raucous content, but I think women were more pungent in their adolescent.
Maybe they have more estrogen coursing through their veins.
Because I remember sitting on the bus in Ottawa in the pean and like going and smelling Big Kimmy's vagina like two days after I had fingered her.
I remember I was on a bus from school at this time.
You sound like Ryan, Donald?
I was in special ed school because I did a couple of wacky things.
My girlfriend, Zakia, in first grade, she asked me, let me see your wiener.
And then I peed under the desk.
Remember, everybody remembers that.
And then I went to a special ed school.
So everything's normal up here, but the way I acted, very weird.
And there was this girl on the bus.
She was a fat girl.
She was older than me.
Black.
Black girl.
And she would touch my peony, and I fingered her.
And my great-grandfather picked me up from school one day.
And I remember holding, I was sitting on my hand, and he took me to McDonald's.
I had to wash my hand so many times, and I couldn't get it off.
This was very pungent, very stinky.
And it lasted for like a day.
I wasn't listening to any of that.
All right.
Have we started the mailbag yet?
We have not.
Okay, let's do it.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
That was perfect.
Ryan, shut up.
As I was talking.
Yo, dudes, what a dunce.
This is from Casual Fantano, the Needle Drop.
He's a music critic, I guess.
Oh, Anthony Fantano.
Who's that?
Yeah, the Needle Drop, biggest critic of music out there.
What does that mean?
He's like the biggest music reviewer on YouTube.
Okay.
So Dave Rubin says, where do you think the next great music artwork is going to come from?
Probably the right.
And then he says, conservatives are not fun, creative, smart, empathetic, or interesting.
I remember a journal entry when I was about 11 or 12, and it said, disco sucks.
Rock is fun, cool, exciting, and entertaining.
So he talks like a 12-year-old.
The craft of this song, I'm getting a little bit teary-eyed thinking of it.
You know, you could really tell that he wasn't.
Hey, we went through him crying or almost crying.
Wanted to not only just function as a great song on its own, but also just be a great tribute to Nate Dogg as a singer and as a performer.
He's going to cry at how awesome Nate Dogg is.
Got a cough for the girls and it's going real swell.
It's a really great ending to the album.
Really great ending to the album.
What a fucking dork.
And being a critic is so sad.
As Public Enemy said, fuck the critics.
Fuck, fuck the critic.
Your life is just looking at other people experiencing life and not making anything of your own.
You interviewed Sam Hyde and he couldn't hang.
What do you mean?
Sam ate him for lunch?
He's just like, all right, can you stop?
Stop trying to be funny.
Just stop, stop.
He's like, one man.
What's the problem?
We have a very special guest.
He is a.
Hoola, my old chum.
Yeah.
Look at his racist teeth.
Oh, they edited this out.
Yeah, he just...
He couldn't.
Couldn't hang, couldn't be funny.
Are you offended by his teeth as a Chinaman?
Who?
Anthony Fantano?
Yeah.
His teeth are making fun of your people.
That's true.
But as a non-Chinese person, I don't mind.
Well, Japan is, what, an hour away?
It's island China.
That's why they don't make great art.
Their art sucks ass, period.
The next great music will never come from the right ever.
It hasn't so far.
Why would it ever in the future?
Yeah, there's no great art from the right.
There's no such thing as outlaw country.
That doesn't exist.
There's no such thing as classical music.
And if we want to stay within the confines of your indie art and rap, I guess we have to ignore Kanye West.
But also, all of these right-leaning dudes like Jesse from MasterCraft and Ego's Death Metal dude who was canceled on Dream Machine and what's his name,
Ty Richards, and the dude from Mumford and Sons who had to split.
There's all these people lurking in the alternative music scene who can't say that they're on the right because you fucking losers, as Barry Weiss was saying, will cancel and destroy them.
All right.
This is from a guy named Paul.
He wants me to know that before Suicide and that Recon band you opened with, there was Joy Division.
Joy Division were a sort of a punk band.
They were around when punk was big in 78, but they were considered post-punk pretty early while Punk was still alive.
And they're from the late 70s.
Suicide was from 1970, you fucking arrogant Zoomer dickweed, talking to an old grumpy man who has been collecting records since decades before you were born.
And you're telling me about fucking Joy Division.
Go fuck yourself, you moron.
Hey, gay boys, something about Laundry being found dead doesn't surprise me.
Couldn't have him talking about how they let him go for a few months.
What?
So because they took so long to found Laundry, they killed him?
Stupidest theory ever.
Then you have Alec Baldwin shooting that chick.
How the fuck do you accidentally shoot live rounds into a gun?
Why are live rounds even on the set?
Okay, so what's your theory?
I think it was set up to replace the Loundry story.
Anything to...
So they had Alec Baldwin murder a woman.
How did they know he was going to point it at this cinematographer?
They had him murder people so no one would talk about the FBI.
Guys, the FBI doesn't give a fuck if we talk about them or not.
They are above the law, literally.
So are the CIA.
They don't need distractions.
Dummy?
Uh-oh.
Fact checkers are back.
See?
They probably work with the feds.
I can absolutely confirm glory holes are a thing.
Now, this letter goes on and on and on.
Trevor, you're a terrible writer, and you have to understand you need to kill your darlings.
This is why men are better at writing than women, because men are better at killing puppies.
So this guy goes on to tell me that he came across a glory hole at a restroom in Odessa, Texas at a truck stop.
And then he went to pay his, he didn't oblige.
And then he went to pay his bill, and the woman was weird.
He takes two paragraphs or a long paragraph to say that.
I had to take a piss, so I pulled into a mom-and-pop truck stop to alleviate the situation.
Upon entry to the men's room, I noticed there wasn't a urinal, so I went to a stall.
I whipped out and proceeded to piss.
Very distracted due to the urgency.
How many extra details can a letter have?
Just say restroom in Odessa.
We know why you're there.
Believe it or not, we all go pee-pee.
Who is this?
Written by Stephen Ding-dong?
What?
What are your holes have to do with penises and Stephen King?
Stephen Ding-Dong.
Oh, my God, that sucked.
How many people think of Stephen King when you say Stephen Ding-Dong?
Because he was very descriptive.
Ivermectrin has been shown milder to weaken symptoms like and blah, blah, blah.
Might help prevent some cases from becoming severe.
Okay, let me read this.
It's fucking long, but Gav, of all the annoying things the mainstream media has done in the horse-paced belittling of Joe Rogan, not one of those idiots brought up the actual facts of Ivermectrin.
So the questionable, not even being very properly studied before being distributed, COVID-19 vaccines can be further promoted.
It seems that vaccine promotion is all about lying in the pockets of pharmaceutical companies.
According to the Dr. Eddie article I attached below, the actual quote-unquote horse paste has the same ingredients as the human version of the medication.
Well, doesn't that kind of help CNN?
Because they called it horse paste, and apparently it is.
Ivermectrin, also known as an antiparasitic, which the media loves to rub in, has been shown in milder COVID-19 positive cases to weaken symptoms like anosmia, hypoosmia, hyposmia,
loss of smell taste, and to lessen the viral load of COVID-19.
MSN can't put two beans together to understand that ivermectrin might help prevent some cases from ever becoming severe, and that is a helpful treatment against COVID-19.
Why is no one discussing the fact that it reduces the presence of the virus in positive cases?
Joe Rogan is a turd, but I don't like him being smeared here.
Happy things make me cry.
Yeah, I thought that wasn't very...
Don't we all know all that?
I think so.
I cry for happy things too.
You know, we might have a doctor.
You know how Stern has Dr. Steve?
Opie and Anthony had Dr. Steve too?
There's a fan of the show, and he's a really good broadcaster in his own right, and he wrote a book.
Stern's guy is Migus.
He also used Dr. Steve.
Okay.
But this guy's very smart.
And cool.
Maybe he could be our doctor guy.
That's not.
And I super chatted in or just chatted in, hey, you do a great show.
And he's like, oh my God, it's Ryan?
So he's like, yeah, I listen to your show all the time.
He's a big fan.
How many views does that video have?
So he doesn't have a lot, but he's a far in a professional.
What's up, guys?
I'll attach an image that my public law school posted to his Twitter account.
I cropped up the face of my classmates because it's apparently unethical to post images of people at the school, despite it being a state university open to the general public.
That rule may have been created partly due to the fact that I created a meme of my classmate essentially calling him a cuck.
Nonetheless, the school has never flown any sort of flag above its entrance, including the old stars and stripes.
Today, in honor of Spirit Day, we wore purple to stand up against the bullying of LGBTQ plus youth.
Yeah, the bullying of gay kids is a myth.
It was a thing when I was a kid, sort of, but we didn't know what gays were back then.
So I guess it wasn't.
We'd call you a sissy.
We'd wedgie nerds.
I got wedgied and I wedgied.
I was on both sides of the wedge.
But like this idea of fags, we didn't know Liberace was gay.
We didn't know Freddie Murky was gay.
We didn't know that Rob Halford was gay.
No one was gay when I was young.
The village people singing about meeting men at the YMCA.
So there's only been gay kids for like a few years.
Maybe the late 80s, early 90s, maybe?
Probably not even.
Probably mid-90s up.
And by then, homophobia was long gone.
So all of this fighting back and trying to make gay children feel okay, all you're doing is making gay children.
Stop trying to make them okay.
You're just making them.
Anyway, that's enough of that.
Let's get to the final vid.
Final co-video.
Okay, this is a weird final video because we usually like to have a viral bonk like we did, but you had all that ridiculosity.
So now I just want to, I'm sure you're all familiar with these guys who scam the scammers.
I love them.
I think they're fantastic.
And this guy did one of the best jobs.
This has already been seen by everyone.
I'm apologizing in advance if you've seen it, but if you haven't, you have to.
12 million views.
It's like a year old.
I'm sorry.
But it was just so fun to watch.
This guy has a filter in his voice when he has an old lady.
And I've seen him fuck them over by wasting their time before.
Those ones are always fun.
But I've never seen him gain access to their computer.
And this guy got in to the Indian's computer and deleted 100% of his files.
How he did that, I don't know.
I guess when you do Team Viewer or whatever it is, and they have access to you, there's a way for you to gain access back to them.
$25,000, you keep your money, which is $250, and you have to return back our money, which is $24,750, alright?
Okay.
Are you doing anything with my computer?
I don't think so.
Yes, I do.
I know that you did something with my computer.
No, I didn't.
Hey, what's going on, everybody?
Pro U with Scammer Payback.
Must be really, really excited.
Wait, a sweatshirt with no t-shirt?
That's not acceptable.
Even if it's like a dip, a V-neck.
Okay, so anyway, this goes on and on and on.
It's half an hour long, but if you go to the last sort of 10%, you can see the shit hit the fan.
Ma'am, first of all, I didn't understand what the f ⁇ you were trying to do.
Stop doing this.
Okay, well, how about you tell me what happened to your computer?
Nothing.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Are you doing anything with my computer?
I don't think so.
Yes, I do.
I know that you did something with my computer.
No, I didn't.
You are a hacker scammer.
What?
Why would you try to tell me that there's fake viruses on my computer?
And then tell me that I owe you $25,000.
How about you have all of your files gone for trying to steal money from an old person?
I don't want to take any money from you.
Yes, you do.
And your files are gone.
How did you do that?
Because I'm Vivian Helen Veronica Rogers.
And you do not mess with old people.
Do you hear me?
How dare you do this to somebody of my stature?
I have a certain set of skills.
And you have no files left.
Why would you do that, ma'am?
Why would you try to steal from me?
I'm so sorry about it.
No, you're not.
I heard what you said in Hindi as well about me.
What did I say about you?
You said the MF word about me.
And I knew that you were talking on WhatsApp with your friend when you were on my computer on your phone yesterday.
I was watching you.
And you're from Kolkata and you have a Samsung device.
How do you know that?
Why would you try to do this to unsuspecting old people?
So sorry, I will not do this again.
So sorry about it, ma'am.
Don't do anything with me.
If you can, please give me all my files, ma'am.
Please, I'm requesting you, ma'am.
No, ma'am, I'm questioning you.
Please don't do this, ma'am.
You're trying to steal $25,000 and you're worried about a couple files.
Well, you're actually worried about like tens of thousands of files.
But still, how dare you do this to somebody?
And you're cussing under your breath about me.
I heard what you said about me.
And now you want to apologize.
So sorry, ma'am.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Yes, I'm really ashamed of myself.
No, you're not.
Yes, ma'am.
Please forgive me, ma'am.
No, look how bad this is.
Look at this.
Microsoft has failed to install your version.
We owe you $250, and you're going to try to take $25 freaking thousand dollars from me?
You don't mess with somebody who loves Bobby Flay like I do.
Look at those jeans.
He fits into the...
Have you noticed that Indian dude talks like Joe Biden, too?
I'm so sorry for it.
She called back.
She knows she not get fingered.
So that's it, folks.
People fighting back.
You know, you don't have to take on Joe Biden.
You don't have to get him ousted from the office.
You don't have to behead Kamala Harris to have a victory.
You can start small.
Scam scammers waste their time.
Get teachers who are corrupt and radical fired, not the fucking math teacher.
Leave her alone.
And you can make a change.
So let's do that this weekend.
And let's start with our families.
Spend some time with your kids.
And if you don't have any, go make some.
They're a joy.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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