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Oct. 1, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
46:11
GOML LIVE #117 - MATTY'S BACK (Part 1)

Turns out, heart surgery isn't such a big deal and Matty's going to be just fine.

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A couple of disgusting liberals, a hideous trans loser, homo, making great music.
I know those people would love to see everyone here die, but uh, it's a pretty good little jam.
And if I had to agree with all the musicians I hear politically, I don't think I'd be listening to any music.
So I love that song.
I think they did a great job.
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
Ladies and gentlemen, Maddie Odell is back.
He's alive.
There I am.
And he zoomed in.
He zoomed all the way in.
You don't have to zoom quite that close there.
Yeah, that's good.
Hey, guys, it is.
How are you feeling, Maddie?
I'm doing good.
I'm doing good.
I want to thank all the baby monsters that reached out and sent good well wishes to me.
I appreciate it.
How did you find those?
Some of them came to me.
People have been hitting me on my socials.
What are your socials?
Maybe we should have those on the screen.
Maddie Odell.
Do you have an Instagram account?
Yeah.
NIG.
I got a Facebook.
Is that private?
Should we let's can we announce that?
Sure.
Yeah, you're evil live or something.
I live evil.
I live evil.
I underscore live evil.
L-I-V-E-V-E-L.
I underscore live evil.
Yeah, I think I follow you.
Yeah.
And then Facebook is just Maddie Odell.
Maddie or Matthew?
Maddie.
Okay.
M-A-T-T-Y.
And then do you have a Twitter?
I do.
Do you use it?
Sound insecure.
But I have one.
You sound shy.
Ryan, he looks blurry to me for a change.
My Twitter is at Odell underscore Maddie.
At Odell underscore Maddie.
I would like to plug Getter, my Getter account.
There was a Gavin underscore McInnis there that had 900 followers.
That was not me.
So they deleted it, but they couldn't transfer the followers over, which is a design flaw.
I got to get one of those.
I mean, right now.
Is Rumble a thing?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Getter is supposed to be Twitter where you can't get banned.
Right now, I got to get a better feed because 90% of what I look at is just Dinesh D'Souza, who posts like every five minutes.
I may have to delete him.
Special thanks to our sponsor, Tactical Walls.
They did our Tactical Walls.
They did Ryan's Tactical Walls.
We had Tactical Tim in here building them.
You get 20% off when you use the promo code Gavin.
Look at that.
Ryan's nice blurry cam shows us.
Luckily, the corner of your monitor is in focus.
You're so useless.
It's amazing.
There we go.
Ryan's got various bric-a-brac.
All of his bric-a-brac, of course, is mine, minus the Woody Pez.
All his friends are fans of the show.
Ryan is just a Lamprey on this shark that is Gavin McInnes.
And I am a Lamprey on the shark that is Tactical Walls.
If you could pull them up, that would be fantastic.
They make these incredible shelving units where you can display your guns.
That's the majority of Tactical Walls.
But they also have cool hiding spots for your guns from mirrors that you double-click and they open up, and there's your rifle behind the mirror.
That was his first product as a solo guy.
He's a war vet.
He is America-made.
All of his stuff is manufactured in America.
So if you're lucky enough to live in a gun state, then you should use Tactical Walls to display your guns.
But if you're unlucky, like us New Yorkers, you could still use them to hide your guns, your illegal guns, like the issue box or the clocks where your stuff hides behind.
I love the issue box quite a lot.
That's where you put your gun.
And of course, when guys break into your house, they don't think to steal your tissue box.
So go to tacticalwalls.com.
Use promo code Gavin for 20% off all orders.
That's tacticalwalls.com.
And I noticed, by the way, we have hurt our sales guy's feelings because he is not writing any more copy.
We made fun of his copy one too many times.
And now he's resorted to.
This episode is brought to you by Tactical Walls.
If you need to, colon dash, hide your guns, dash, hide your kids, slash, hide your wife.
That doesn't make any sense.
None of the stuff he sells is big enough to hide a human being.
It's all for hiding guns.
So even though you only wrote one sentence, ad guy, you failed.
A little update.
Guys at my gym saw the darkness episode, and now I'm the GG Allen of the gym, and they presented me with this.
They go, you think you're dark?
You might want to check out this.
It's the most disgusting book on earth.
And I said, if it's just gay porn, then I'm going to stop reading it.
I know gay porn exists.
You're not blowing my mind.
It's funny when a cop sends you a picture of a hot chick and you click on it and then a dick pops out.
That's amusing.
It's four seconds.
But if you're giving me a gay porn book, I'm just going to throw it out.
So don't waste my time.
And also, if this, they called it a horror book.
If this horror book involves children under duress in any way, shape, or form, I won't just throw it away.
I'll be pissed off at you.
And they go, no one does that, you asshole.
And this is the most disgusting book I have ever read.
I highly recommend it if you want to puke.
It has a man who lives with his mother who rapes him.
They fuck holes in cows' bodies.
They puke.
Every second page has a rape.
It is the most disgusting piece of literature ever made.
It's, I guess you'd call it horror-gross-out fiction.
And I just knew the writer was British from the beginning.
About three chapters in, he says, wank.
Mother's corpse in bits, dead dog on the roof, girlfriend in a coma, baby nailed to the wall, and 100 tons of homicidal beef stampeding through the tube system.
And Stephen thought the slaughterhouse was bad.
It is fucking brutal.
Anyway, we're turning into Jim Goad's circa 1995 with Answer Me, and I think we should correct the course and get back to fun.
Tomorrow, we're going to get into some gossip.
It'll be a very light episode.
I'm researching Joe Coy's relationship with Chelsea Handler.
Because there's something not right about it.
I think she shattered his marriage.
Home wrecker.
So, Maddie, how do you feel after your operation?
A little sore, you know.
People ask me what it feels like, and I heard you describe it on last Thursday.
It feels like somebody took a belt sander and kind of sanded it inside of my chest.
Which they did.
Well, yeah, they burned it, burned it up with lasers and all sorts of stuff.
It's amazing how, like, you know, if you burn your arm with a match, that you have a match-shaped burn on your forearm that hurts.
But it's amazing that when you go inside your body and do something similar, you can feel that.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess it's obvious.
It was like a really bad irritant.
Like, you had like steel wool or something, like, it just is very uncomfortable and like feeling you want to itch it, but you can't.
Because I could scratch my chest, but it doesn't help inside.
And the operation was a raging success?
Yeah.
And they said everything went well.
You know, obviously, I was in the hospital for two days, came home.
I mean, other than trying to keep the fluid and the inflammation down and keeping pneumonia at bay, like I got to do these breathing treatments, breathing exercises, breathing exercises with a spirometer, and I got to get up and move around.
Like, I just can't lay around in the house and stuff and just relax.
If I was a good friend, I would have got you a whore to come and blow you.
It's not a joke.
It's all right.
And more importantly, you were recently, so Joe Tonelli at our local has quit his job as a bartender, although he's still there every single fucking day.
But he had to quit because he got a job at FedEx.
A guy named Dean interviewed him for the job, and he's going to be driving around with people who do deliveries and making sure they follow safety standards.
You and Bill, Unreliabill, went to FedEx and said, we're here to speak with Dean, the man who hires people.
They said there's no such person.
Correct.
We showed a picture of you outside of FedEx recently.
Now, there's been an update.
You went to the bar next to FedEx.
Right down the street from the FedEx complex where Joe was allegedly hired.
We went to have a lunch and we were at the bar.
Well, it was in the later afternoon, probably two o'clock.
And then an off, a guy who finished his shift at FedEx came in.
He's got the purple FedEx shirt on.
Oh, yeah.
He's got the whole uniform on.
So I nudge Jack and I go, Jack, look who's in here?
FedEx guy.
I said, you know, we got to grill him.
About like the hiring, you know, just what's what's the how do you get hired?
What's the job like?
You know, what can you expect?
And we asked, we told him about our friend.
And he said, well, what position is he going for?
He goes, he's like, I work for FedEx Express.
Then you have FedEx Brown.
He's like, there's different departments.
So I go, no, this guy is supposed to be working in management.
And he's going to be riding around with the drivers on their routes, checking for safety.
He goes, there's no position like that at the job.
There's obviously no such position.
FedEx delivery is not dangerous.
There's safety for people who deal with fucking fire and propane and toxic fucking fumes.
But delivering a box, what's going to happen?
You drop the box like your head.
He's better.
He goes, he goes.
Secondly, he goes, that's a position that would be somebody hired from within the company who's got at least 10 years experience on the job on how the job is supposed to be done.
He goes, I would take that job if it existed.
He goes, but it doesn't.
He goes, your friend's full of shit.
He goes, how old is he?
And I go, I think he's in his mid-50s, 55, 56.
He goes, no fucking way is he getting hired.
No fucking, well, being an opioid addict is also not great for safety inspectors because they tend to fall asleep on the phone.
No fucking way is Joe Tonelli hired a FedEx.
Well, the amazing thing was the baby monsters supplied us with proof that he did rescue a cat.
Yes.
He did apply oxygen to it.
It was on the front page of the daily, whatever it was, Rye Examiner.
Some baby monsters said, no, no, he saw a story about a Joe Tonelli and he decided to make his name Joe Tonelli.
No.
And there's no way that there's two Joe Tonellis.
No, that really did happen.
Yeah.
At one point in the town where he grew up and went to high school, not Scotland, he was a volunteer fireman.
And the same thing, he's gone to like all the surrounding towns because after about a month and a half to two months, people get so fed up of his bullshit lies and all this has been going on for 30 something years.
This is nothing new with Joe.
He's been a compulsive liar.
He's been out of life.
Everyone.
Like whether it's volunteer ambulance corps or volunteer fire department, they all boot him out because of his compulsive lying.
Like he wants to go in there.
In his resume, he said that he was the volunteer fire chief.
But no, he wasn't the chief.
No, the only way you can tolerate him is to treat him like shit.
Yeah.
And I would feel bad about treating a normal retard like shit.
But, you know, getting $100 tip on Veterans Day, he earns his keep as a perfect victim to punch down on.
Yeah.
And being good at it, if you will.
Fucking loser.
All right.
Well, we should invade the mailbag.
There we go.
Don't you think?
Jump right in.
I'm going to have to run and get my computer, so hopefully I can be back by the time you're done your little song.
All right.
I just burfed.
Ready?
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Let me touch it.
See how much I care about you?
I don't want to waste one second.
My computer died.
My big computer just went boom.
And it's hard.
There's a two-week wait for a new one.
Oof.
My son's on the cover of a magazine.
Yeah, I saw that on the show today.
You bought two new ones, huh?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not overindulging myself.
No.
We had, I bought this in 08, and I got the laptop in 2012.
Yeah, I just bought a new MacBook Pro, I think last year.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay, we just got this in right now.
It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.
No, it's the Great Pumpkin Maddie O'Dell.
Yeah.
What did I say before the show started?
I said, I look like the great pumpkin over here.
Well, it's already been photoshopped.
Have you got that, Ryan?
Hold on a second.
I forgot to reload my deal.
Why?
And I'm not seeing that.
The earliest one is from 12, 11 a.m.
So something's wrong here.
Well, this is 9.15 p.m.
I close out.
I opened back up.
No, I think maybe you have to wait.
It's synchronization in progress.
It's showing me a little bar.
There we go.
And now it exited, and that's opening back.
I think your seventh mistake this episode at 15 minutes in.
We got so many letters about pit bulls.
Every single motherfucker spells it as one word.
It's not one word.
It's two words.
The performer is one word, pit bull.
Stop fucking spelling it pit bull as one word.
You meatheads.
The real name is the American Pit Bull Terrier.
Yes.
All right, Ryan, you ready?
Yes.
Show it.
No, here we go.
Kind of anticlimactic.
I'm going through a bunch of Maddie letters.
Okay?
Yeah.
So I type Maddie in there.
Okay, good.
To the baby monster who sent that in, we were just, I just said that to myself before the show started.
I'm sitting, looking at myself on the monitor going, man, I look like the great pumpkin sitting up here.
We're going to make fluorescent orange shirts.
Hey, Gav, Ry, and Maddie, with the announcement of YouTube restricting and banning people even more severely, I couldn't help but think Censored TV is going to get a whole bunch more content creators.
I love how the more they try to control us, the more they go fuck their mothers.
Freedom is awesome.
Make that a t-shirt.
Yeah, that is true.
I got to say, though, with contributors, I don't like begging.
Like with Laurel Loomer, I got her on board.
I shot a show at my house, and I love her to death.
But each video was like pulling teeth, and it's sort of like fucking someone.
Like you say, you want to fuck, you want to fuck.
And after a while, you're like, I don't want to fuck you anymore if you don't want to fuck me.
This isn't fun.
And so someone like Atheism is unstoppable.
I check in on him.
I mean, I listen to every one of his shows, but I check in on him like once every two months.
And it's nothing but quality content.
Or with someone like Copper Cab, I had to nag and nag and then pay him a fortune.
Then I'd finally get something.
Or Milo, he kept getting more and more raises and delivering less and less content.
So I don't know.
I'd rather like solicit people very gently and wait for their tsunami of enthusiasm.
Because going out and hunting for people, I don't know.
I'm not a fucking record label.
There's an America First guy who's interested.
Who's that?
Dalton.
Dalton something.
I forgot his last name, but he's interested.
He's got a pretty good following.
He got kicked off of a bunch of stuff.
Okay, pull him up.
Let's see him.
Let's see.
He just inquired today.
Well, a lot of people are going to be getting banned.
I mean, YouTube announced today that anything that's anti-vax is banned.
Oh, yeah.
Anything.
And by anti-vax, they mean vax questioning.
Yes.
If you're just- Anything.
If you throw out an interrogative that goes, I don't know if I would want my wife at nine months pregnant to get the vaccine.
That is anti-vax.
And you'll notice I didn't say yes or no.
I said, I don't know if.
Right.
Banned.
Across the board.
They put the announcement out this morning.
All right.
So I think this is his second YouTube.
He had.
All right, everybody.
So today we're going to be reacting to somebody reacting and responding to one of my old YouTube videos.
He made this video about a month ago.
I just now discovered his response because somebody commented on one of my more recent videos.
Hey, look, I found you through this guy.
He's a total degenerate.
And he lies.
You should go check it out or whatever.
What's Nick's though?
Nick Fuentes versus Robert.
He's friends with Nick.
The problem with America First these days is the FBI is clamping down, and we just got our payment processors back up after a massive attack.
Oh, this is about the debate.
The Robert Barnes-Nick Fuentes debate.
He believes that Islamo-fascism is a direct threat to the United States, so he thinks that we are justified in getting involved in that area.
Did you watch that debate?
I'm very interested to see what was.
It's pretty good.
I don't know where Robert Barnes got off saying that he bent him over his knee and spanked him.
I thought it was a good idea.
Well, that's the thing now with the American divorce.
You watch a debate and it goes normal.
And the right says that the left was served, and the left says the right was spanked.
It was a really poor form.
He blocked Nick after the debate.
First, it was really cordial, and they were fine, and they were gentlemen towards each other.
And then afterwards, he's like, yeah, that little punk, blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, Nick is good.
He's great.
I mean, I don't agree with everything he says, but I don't really have to.
I'm not interested in agreeing with everything.
What do you disagree with about that Nick Fuentes says?
Well, you know, just innately.
No, just give me one thing that Nick Fuentes believes that you don't agree with.
One of the big ones is like, because Israel stinky boo-boo Israel, that means Islamic, the people of Islam aren't a threat at all, basically.
Like a negligible threat.
And I'm like, I don't really agree with that totally, but if they both just met in the middle there, they're both super right.
And then you just have two smart guys talking about it.
It's not like they're 1% of the population in America.
They're not going to get me.
But I think we're up to about, what, 80 dead in recent years?
Fort Hood was 13.
Pulse was 49.
Westside Highway was 8.
San Bernardino was 14.
It adds up.
It's no Crips and Bloods, 20 a day, but it's a thing.
Right.
Yeah, I don't have strong feelings on Jews or Israel stuff, and I feel like they're our closest allies in that area.
And that area is just garbage anyway, just garbage goat people.
I'd like to open my eyes and see them as human.
Russell Brand has been coming back in my YouTube algorithms while, and he is who he is.
Is there any possible way you can do a free speech with him?
This is so fucking annoying.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Hey, Charlie Watts died.
Any chance you could play for the Stones?
Like, Russell Brand would never answer.
I can't get Andy No.
I've been working on this book, and I want Andy No to an interview with him to be a chapter.
He won't go near me.
And this is like sitting down is one thing.
That's pretty brave with me because you're going to get canceled.
But appearing in a book, no one has a problem with that.
And Andy No does.
He will not return any of my calls.
So, like, who the fuck are you?
You must be a child.
You must be a 14-year-old to sit at home and go, you should get Russell Brand on your show.
Hey, you hate Chelsea Handler.
You should do a debate with her about fatherhood and family.
Yeah, let's fly Chelsea Handler to the South Bronx.
New white screen or bar sesh episode, even with maybe Maddie?
Yeah, let's get Russell Brand and Maddie together.
Even if it's just a Skype.
Shut the fuck up, you boob.
Okay.
I can't remember if we've read this or not.
I think we have.
so i'll skip that uh what no maddie tonight What happened to Maddie?
I know you said he had a bad prior reputation, but I find him to be a delightful young man and quite the foil to your witty barbs on censored live Thursdays.
Best Leo.
Hey, Leo?
I don't know how you could possibly watch the fucking show and not know that the man had an operation.
That's true.
Okay, that's a guy named Maddie.
Love your show, Fag.
Start saying you're Irish and Scottish.
Your real name is McGinnis.
Your boy Maddie is Irish too.
Celtic football fans are all Irish descent.
Odell is an Irish name.
I'm a fellow Irish Scot.
I like you more than a friend.
And then he includes a link that says, how dare you?
How dare you?
For him, I'll say, Koi Big.
Hell hell.
Are you, you're Celtics and your cousin is Rangers, right?
Yeah.
Celtic Catholics and Protestants.
Big division within the family.
A lot of them don't even give a fuck so.
In my family, or my dad's side, they're in deep denial of their Irish heritage.
They deny that the name is McGinnis.
And then they told their kids that it's not McGinnis.
So when my cousin, who's actually Mexican, researched his 23andMe and all that, he discovered that our name is McGinnis.
Well, I tell you, my I have family with the name McGinnis.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Our parents grew up four miles from each other.
And Joe Tonelli told us that he's also from Glasgow.
Yeah.
And he went to high school there.
And then our buddy James, who's from southern England, says, so, Joe, growing up in Scotland, you would, of course, come across some colloquialisms, some sayings.
And then you jumped in and go, yeah, like, Joe, what does hodjerwish mean?
Yeah.
Oh, I know that one.
Yeah, yeah.
What does that mean?
I don't know, but the liberal Scottish guy told me it.
Just shut your mouth or something?
Hodjerwisht.
Like, shut your mouth or your shit.
It means calm down.
Like, take it down a notch.
Your weish.
I don't know what weish is.
Your mouth.
Oh, your mouth.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or like, he didn't know the Beano, the Beezer, the R. Willie.
Core, Wizard, and Chips.
You know, nothing.
Brunes.
Nothing.
Urwoolly.
Toy Scones.
It's Driek outside.
It's a bro brech Moonlechnecht.
Robbie Burns.
A man is a man and all that.
Nothing.
And all that.
And all that.
A man is a man and all that.
The packy.
The packy.
The chinkies.
Asians in Glasgow will go, you find Chunky the Night.
Aye.
They call their own food chinky.
Yeah.
You can go to the chinky and get a deep-fried pizza.
This is a guy who wants us to know that I suck at music.
Gavin, I love the show, but after your live stream, I feel compelled to weigh in on this.
You are not some kind of authority on music.
You suck at music, and half the shit you promote is garbage.
Tell me what AM7 third inversion means right now, or shut the actual fuck up about music forever.
Well, the AM7 third inversion is when you were doing scales on a guitar, and in the third inversion, which is a C flat, you come down.
It's almost always done with a whammy bar.
And you do what's called inversion, which is C flat and E, and you go ring woah.
That is the AM7 third inversion.
How'd you know that?
I'm a music authority, Ryan.
Impressive.
Yeah.
Usually people forget the whammy bar part.
Well, a lot of people can only do it on guitar.
I can do it with my mouth.
I've seen you do it.
Yeah.
Because this is an AM 7 third inversion done a cappella.
Amazing.
Thank you.
I didn't know that.
What's wrong?
I didn't know you had that in you.
Kind of makes me look at you a little different.
I'm an authority.
Then let's see between you and Ryan who can draw a circle of fifths offhand.
Okay.
I mean, I don't know how long we're going to have to do this.
This is first I do the bass clef.
There's all stuff I don't know.
And then I do the fifths.
One, two, three, four, five.
What are you doing?
The F clef bass?
Very simple.
Those are the fifths.
I don't see a circle, but yeah, that's accurate.
Two for two.
No, a circle of fifths offhand.
Oh, I see.
Right, right, right.
Sorry.
And then what's the V in the key of B major?
Okay, obviously the V in key major is, I mean, sorry, the V in the key of B major is in the key of B major.
Can you even tell me that?
Well, I just did.
Every time you try to sing, you sound like actual dog shit, which actual dog shit at the very most might make a crackly sound as it leaves the anus.
But once it's sitting there, Ryan, you have dog shit behind you.
I do, yeah.
Pull that down.
Dog poo.
Put that up against the mic.
So I don't, sir, that dog shit does not make a sound.
You can't hit a note to save your life.
Wait, is that a video drop?
They couldn't carry a tune to save their lives.
That's Joker, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that one of our drops?
They couldn't carry a tune to save their lives.
He's such a little snarky little bitch.
Yes, Ryan's shit leaves something to be desired, but he has his moments.
Thank you.
You, as a front man, relied solely on charisma and edginess, not any kind of tangible musical ability.
You're fucking Rebecca Black telling Kenny G he sucks.
Damn.
Yes, he absolutely sucks, but he's still way better than you.
So shut the fuck up.
Damn, dog.
Love you, love the show.
Love Ryan, love Maddie.
Fuck you and the hills you rode in on.
He fucking got us both in one fell sweep.
No, he didn't get me because I answered every single one of his questions, including the V in B minor.
That's true, but his subjective opinion of you was not flattering.
Maddie, do you want us to show your Instagram?
Sure.
Bam.
There I am.
Let's turn that from 261 to something.
A very sexy picture of you.
That's too sexy.
Is it a Bluetooth thing in your mind?
It's a lens brush.
It looks like a makeup brush.
Yeah.
Why do you have a lens brush?
It's a lens brush for a camera.
Okay, well, why do you have that?
He knows everything.
I used to take, I used to do, you know, photography.
Dude, he knows everything about the lighting, what the camera things are called.
He's always shocking me before the show.
He's like, yeah, that's the light box, and this is the thing.
Yeah, I gave.
Actually, when I went back to prison the last time, my son took all my camera equipment.
And his half-sister goes to school for television and film.
And I guess while I was away, it was sitting in his room and she's seen it.
And she asked if she could use my equipment.
And I have, you know, I had a pretty extensive length collection and camera bodies and tripods.
I didn't know this about you.
We're learning.
Yeah.
And then, so when I came home, I just told my ex-wife and my son, I said, listen, just tell her to keep it all.
Nice.
That's very nice of you.
You lost a lot of shit when you went to the slammer.
Yeah.
It usually ends up that way.
Your health insurance, your life insurance, your tractor trailers.
I had a 53-foot refrigerator tractor trailer that's gone, two motorcycles.
It happens.
Well, you shouldn't rape women then.
I haven't yet, but when I do, I'll know the consequences.
Nobody tells you things like this, you know?
Yeah.
Now, I put in Maddie in the search bar, and I'm getting things from Matthews, which is interesting that the email program knows that Maddie is Matthew.
But anyway, this is nothing to do with Maddie.
It's from a Matthew.
Oh, that's a picture of me being gorgeous.
Don't look at that.
That's me when I was 14.
That's a British Army jacket you're wearing.
Yep.
That I had my mom sewed zippers on.
I had one.
Same coat.
Really?
Yeah.
Huh.
Is that a Scottish thing?
We keep overlapping.
That is a Woolgreen Army coat from England.
See, every time I meet someone cool, they were fat, ugly nerds when they were 14.
I've been cool since I was about 13.
Why wasn't anyone else cool?
Should I get that hairdo?
It's called a mohawk.
But with the blonde and all that.
Yeah, you should.
Right?
That's a great hairdo for a new dad.
I had that same coat.
That's pretty funny.
Here's one from Matt.
Please get Joe from the bar on the show for a live show or something with Maddie.
Him and I have had our entanglements in the choice words for each other.
That's a pretty good suggestion.
The thing about Joe is, like all monkeys, they don't like when it's showtime.
Right.
Even when we start making fun of him, like I said, hey, what's Dean's last name?
The boss who's hiring him, and he goes, stop enough!
So that's not exactly lending itself to a good guest on the show.
But I'm not against it.
I mean, we had Gary on.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was supposed to be a joke, right?
You know why we can't get Gary on this new show?
Because neither Ryan and I want him in our cars.
Right.
Because he'll reek up the car.
Yeah.
I saw him the other morning.
Really?
That's wild.
Where'd you see him?
You know, by the trains.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, he takes a train stop-up because there's these purple cigars that he likes.
He always hangs out in that one gas station on the corner there, right by the train.
Yeah.
It's always there.
And he's got his shirt on button and he's completely hairless.
Like his chest every time.
He's got a killer tan.
Great tan.
Beautiful tan, long, gorgeous nails.
It's filthy dirty.
It's what my wife is going for when she goes on vacation.
Dark brown leather tan, no hair, and big long nails.
Homeboy's getting that like edit.
So you won't allow him in your car, Ryan?
No.
We just got the baby seat in there.
Hot shit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't think he'd hear me.
I was thinking about going down there and fucking filming him just like on the street, but like find him and shit.
I'll put a fucking tarp on my car.
Passenger seat, I guess.
Yeah.
I feel bad.
I mean, it's leather seats.
I'll just have Joe the fucking bleach wipe.
He what?
He had a job.
Well, he goes, tell Ryan to come by.
And I'm like, bring him in to Anthony's.
How's he going to find you?
Bring him in the anthem.
I'm around.
That'd be hilarious.
I'm around.
You want me to keep doing the show?
Gavin, Ryan, and Maddie, which would you rather?
I would just like to say, before I read this email, that would you rathers are an art form.
I'm an expert because when we would plant trees in Northern Canada, we would spend 12 hours a day working these out.
My favorite is, would you rather have to eat a piece of shit this big every morning?
You could mix it with mashed potatoes or just have it like a pill.
Or dance every single place you go for a year.
So even if you get up to go piss in the middle of the night, you have to dance there.
You can't walk normal anywhere.
And then you can play with the time.
That's the best one about that.
You can make the shit bigger.
You can make the dancing two years and the shit six months.
Another trick with these is don't bring in your fucking dad and say how much you'd have to paid to blow your dad and now you don't have a relationship.
That's fucking lame.
I got one.
Okay.
Can I just warn everyone before you open your mouth?
It's going to suck yourself.
This is going to suck.
Okay.
Would you rather have your...
It already sucks.
Would you...
How...
Shut up, you're boing.
Okay.
Be buried in your life.
No, no, I'm not going to fall for it next time, though.
Okay, don't.
I'm not.
Good.
I have no interest in telling you anymore.
Good.
I'm glad I don't want to hear it.
I'm going to tell my other friends.
I'm glad Billy Bologna and Pee Wee Herman are sharp as diamonds.
And you are in a goldfish bowl because your one job, which is creating video that is working.
I cut myself shaving today.
It's not working.
In two spots, and it looks like I have a sneak bite.
Oh, I thought you were going to show us your pussy lips.
I don't have pussy lips.
Okay, what's your would you, your shitty would you rather?
Okay, it is.
Would you rather have your head chopped off slowly with a serrated blade or be buried alive?
That's not terrible, but I will say that the most famous one ever is buried alive or drowned.
So you're just taking the famous one and adding a chop head.
I'm taking drowned out of that.
Yeah, I know.
That's my criticism of what you just did.
I would rather drown.
No, I heard drowning is very painful.
They say it's blissful.
That's what I thought.
I was like, I think that's how I wanted to.
How do they know?
I don't know, but they're saying that it would be incredibly painful to have your lugs fill up and you wouldn't be dead, so you'd feel that.
Because if you've ever felt like heading like shit, it's done quick.
It sounds a lot quicker than buried alive.
In fact, buried alive sounds the worst of both worlds.
You do drown.
And then you're also fucking panicking as dirt piles up around you.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to go with the drowning for the classic British pub one that we just said.
And then for Ryan's, I think I might go with the saw.
And you think like adrenaline will come in and then...
I'd get my head cut off before I would bury it alive.
Yeah, yeah.
I think what's going to happen is like your spine's going to get slick.
And you're going to bleed out.
And you're going to bleed out in like, you can't let.
I think you live with no head for like three seconds.
So the whole ordeal sounds like a seven-second ordeal, which is...
You ever been rolled up in a carpet before?
Where you can't move your arms and legs?
I think so.
Didn't some black guy die that way?
Dude, it's the claustrophobia that bothers me.
Okay, here we go, folks.
Get your hopes down.
And we're going to leave the free section and go behind the paywall.
We'll do a quick need of fashions ad.
But Gavin, Ryan, and Maddie, which would you rather?
For the rest of your life, you can never wipe your ass.
Instead, every time you shit, he wrote poop here, but adults don't say poop.
Gary is always there with bare hands to wipe your ass.
I guess like a Muslim.
He will always try his best, but who knows how good of a job he can really do?
Plus, he's got those long nails.
And maybe he can get frisky if you felt like it.
And you can't threaten or hurt him.
He might miss your hole and reach too far.
Maybe fingers deep in there to scoop it all out.
Scoop it all out.
I'm already done shitting, moron.
He's going to try it, but probably won't ever be perfect.
And if you need to wipe again because he did a bad job the first time, he has to do it for you again.
Okay?
This actually is not bad.
I feel bad saying this guy would suck.
Or for the rest of your life, every time you have sex or masturbate or have a wet dream, oh yeah, my wet dreams that I have every 13 years.
Every time before you come, right before you come, Gary swoops in to get the final few pumps to quickly finish you off.
So if you're deep in your wife, you automatically come out and he finishes you off.
I knew it would suck.
That's so stupid.
You just ruined my marriage.
You ruined my relationship with my wife, which hurts my kids.
We're getting divorced.
That's idiotic.
The second one is idiotic.
It's just as dumb as when they say, you know, fuck your dad or whatever.
That's just a stupid ultimatum.
The first one was good.
It was a scenario I could imagine that was hell.
But like making me not love my wife and having no sexual relationship with my wife without Gary, like that's just dumb.
I swear to God, it's the last thing I do.
I'm going to get my hands around your throat.
We take those seriously around here.
All right.
Before we go, Nita Fashions.
That's where I get all my dapper suits.
You folks, well, I don't know if these are free video-wise, but on Thursday nights, I just dress in normal rags.
I got this cool gang squad shirt from an NYPD buddy, which I'm very proud of.
It's the perfect level of fuck you.
What does it say on the back?
We protected and served only to be denied and...
Let me see.
Turn full around.
We protected and served to be denied and dismissed.
Bronx, gang squad, blah, blah, blah.
And it's got all the different gang squads.
Pretty awesome.
I asked this after we showed that Shizmabin video where they had the gang squad shirt with the two guns.
But the gang squad is no more, I guess.
Shizmobin is no more.
What?!
Fucking...
I don't know.
Well, hold on.
We'll deal with that in a second.
We're in the middle of a commercial right now.
So I dress down on Thursday nights, but the other three days, I'm dressed very well.
And that is thanks to Nita Fashions custom tailors.
Contact them through their Instagram.
Message them on Instagram.
They'll set up a Zoom appointment with you.
They'll measure your whole body.
And then they have a book of you.
And they'll send you swatches.
You define your suits.
You define your shirts.
You can get a shirt for anywhere from 50 to 500 bucks.
You can get a suit anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000.
So now we have a perfectly tailored shirt, $50, and a perfectly tailored suit, $900.
And you wear that to weddings, funerals.
Even if you're a blue-collar plumber, you need at least one suit.
And these guys pull it together.
Most of their clients that come to them through this show are lawyers and sales dudes.
And those guys need a variety of suits.
I'm telling you, man, it has your name in it.
You choose what kind of pockets you want.
You choose the thickness of the fabric.
You choose every facet of it.
They've got big, thick winter suits where you don't even need a coat.
They've got thin flannel, not flannel, but linen suits.
Remember, I was wearing my Nita Fashions linen suit to Roger Stone's trial, and I walk up to Milo, and he's recoiled in horror as I approach him.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
What's your problem?
And he goes, linen?
You know, oh.
But yeah, it's a dying trade, tailorism, if that's the word.
Among the many.
What?
I said among the many dying trades.
Among the many, and these guys are still doing it.
So go to Nina Fashions, say Gavin sent you.
I forget what the discount is.
I think it's like 10% or something.
15.
And now we're going to go behind the paywall.
This is only the people who are not cheap.
And when I say not cheap, who can't afford a pint a month?
That's really, I mean, in Manhattan, a pint is nine bucks.
It's a dollar tip.
This is at Grand Central and stuff.
But let's say in your local, it's five bucks.
So it's two beers a month.
You assholes can't afford two beers a month to have not just me giving you two hours a day, but about another 20 shows.
Endless content.
It's the funnest way to get the news because when you watch the news today, even from Tucker, it can get depressing.
It can be a little morbid.
It can seem like we're in end of days.
But with this show, we add layers of humor and we laugh at the clown world around us.
We were red-pilled and now we're clown-pilled and we can enjoy ourselves because once you realize that everything is funny and it's here for your amusement, then it all becomes quite fun.
That's the beauty of irony and sarcasm is you can laugh at these leftist lunatics like Eddie Glade.
Gloud Jr. Gloud.
I looked up his last name today.
It's Latin for lame.
No.
I'm not kidding.
Amazing.
I'm not fucking kidding.
We love Eddie Gloud.
And instead of getting depressed when you see him, appreciate the clown for what he is.
A useless fucking moron who has built a career on saying systemic racism again and again and again.
Well, maybe he's gay.
You ever thought of that?
No, he's married to an ugly black woman.
I also looked that up.
So yeah, we're going behind the paywall.
We're going to answer a couple more letters.
And then we are going to take phone calls.
So goodbye, Cheapskates.
See you next week.
Cheerio.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
Yeah, I know.
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