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Aug. 20, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
02:13:10
S04E20 - THE GOSSIP EPISODE
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Time Text
There's nothing stars.
Oh, live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGuinness.
Your face, all I see.
I'm caught up in fever and shivering.
Are you guys ready to gossip?
Welcome to the Get Off My Lawn gossip special, you guys, you baby monsters.
That song is sent in by a baby monster, Ster Joe Simpson.
I keep getting people complaining about the name baby monster.
You're not supposed to like it.
You know how many complaints I got from Proud Boys when I started Proud Boys about the name?
Like, not everything is cool, you know?
What do you want to be called, the fucking white lions?
You know what complaining makes you sound like?
A baby.
Or a monster.
Yeah.
You're a baby monster.
Hey, we got this from a fellow Skull Giver.
That's the name of the fans of this show, the Skullgivers.
It's called Cringe on Purpose.
Get it through your thick baby monster skull.
Yes, Jurgil Simpson, I never heard of him.
Good outlaw, modern country.
He sounds a lot like Willie Nelson on that album, but that's a very unique album.
It just came out yesterday.
It's called Juanita and what's the other guy?
Bellet of Juanita.
Dude and Juanita.
Dude and Juanita is the name of the album.
And it's got kind of a Mexican flavor.
I guess he got bored of doing Outlaw Country.
But really good shit.
Thanks, baby monster.
So yeah, this is an all-celebrity gossip episode.
We've got some fun stuff planned.
We've got a guest, a surprise guest I'll tell you about, because it smoothly blends in the celebrity gossip.
But as I was researching this, I realized I don't know any of these fucking people.
I haven't tuned in to this kind of pop culture besides the obvious shit that gets shoved down your throat like the Kardashians.
I don't read celebrity magazines and I've been reading them all day.
I don't know who any of these people are.
And then you look them up and you still don't know who they are.
Like it'll go, like this first chick, Zoe Deutsch.
Zoe Deutsch flashes cleavage in low-cut mini dress while rocking knee-high boots.
Oh, okay, who's that?
And then you realize she's doing the Hulu film Not Okay.
Do people watch Hulu?
Hulu Not Daily.
Who watches Hulu and what's not okay?
Every time I would look them up, they go, she was a child star on Nickelodeon, and now she's on like fucking some weird network like Scooter that you never heard of.
And she does the film, or she does the series, like, Get That Girl.
What?
Who the fuck is this?
Is this your type, by the way?
Who me?
Yeah.
It's pretty close.
I mean, the fashion sense is absolutely on point.
You got a little country with the boots, and you got like an Asian little...
Oh, hello.
I don't love Asian girls, but I respect the culture.
So yeah, she's.
So you love that outfit.
I think she looks retarded.
She's a bad dresser.
She's way too skinny for those boots.
She looks like a mosquito wearing rubber boots.
Obviously, that shirt is just to stay warm.
Chinese dress is retarded in that context.
She should have like little heels on or something if she's going to wear that dress.
So I'm disappointed in your knowledge of fashion.
But like, she's so sexless and unappealing, it's shocking.
She looks like a 12-year-old boy.
You're a pedophile faggot for liking her.
And I'm a real man because I feel nothing.
Nothing.
I thought her style was cool.
Yeah, you're wrong.
This is good style.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
Yuck.
She actually looks like she's in the same decade as you right now.
She has no ass.
The bell bottoms.
Every time.
I know we were supposed to be jealous of Tom Brady because he's dating Giselle Bunchin.
Have you ever seen her ass?
She has the ass of a baby boy.
She doesn't put the bun in Bunchen.
Look at that thing.
Wow, where'd your ass go?
Looks like she's not a wide receiver.
I've fucked 10-year-old boys who had better asses than that.
Relax.
I was 10 at the time.
Yes.
God.
Yeah.
That makes it completely fun.
Thanks for explaining my jokes.
Ryan will be here to back up all my jokes and explain them to everyone.
Who the fuck is...
Who the fuck is Haley Steinfeldt?
Does anyone know?
I got to the point where I was starting to think they just pay Daily Mail.
Like they'll do a sultry, topless photo shoot, leak pictures to Daily Mail, and a PR firm will like pay Daily Mail, I don't know, $2,000.
There was recently a story that unfolded that all the Maxim cover ladies were actually paid for.
So it was an ad.
Now, I looked her up.
Of course, sheer stockings with stilettos, I mean, you could put them on a fucking kitchen table and I'd beat off.
But you could just throw them in the garbage and I'd go jerk off into the garbage.
She's got very pronounced nostrils.
And I'd looked at her family tree and her grandfather was part black and part Filipino.
Do you know why Jews and blacks have big nostrils?
No.
Sand.
Something about sand.
Sand?
Yeah.
There's a lot of sand in the air, so they have big nostrils.
Actually, that does not make sense.
And never mind.
Correct.
Here's everything that you, you speak a special language.
It's called does not make sense.
Everything that comes out of your mouth does not make sense.
Oh, I got another one.
Okay.
Their food sucks really bad, like, but in a lot of flavors is in the scent.
So when they're eating, like, you know, hyena.
Wait, how could food suck really bad but smell delicious?
Well, it has no flavor.
Jew food has no flavor.
African food is a food.
You know what?
What's Jew food?
What's Israel?
It's pizza and like fucking toast.
You're thinking of like Eastern European Jews immigrating to South Brooklyn.
Jewish food is Israeli food.
It's hummus and all that stupid dips.
I don't like it.
It's like leftovers, but it's very flavorful.
Didn't know that.
And African food, I mean, that's...
Just zebra.
That's a million different things.
No, it's not zebra.
It's the same sort of setup.
Anyway, terrible theories aside.
Sub-Saharan Africa, Middle East, deserts.
Same with Arabs.
So there's not moisture in the air.
So you need bigger nostrils to get more moisture into your face.
Now, for some reason, Africans go wide and Jews and Arabs go long, but it's the same big nostrils.
That's why Scots have little pinholes for nostrils because we're like, I'm doing okay for moisture.
I actually want to take it down a notch.
Anyway, that's Haley Steinfeld.
And what, go back to the top of that?
She's in some show you never heard of.
Like, I've never seen a celebrity where I looked her up and I knew less than before I looked her up.
She's a 24-year-old singer and actress.
No, she's not.
Put her name in YouTube.
Does she have a hit song?
Sometimes you'll look up these singers that you've never heard of and they have like 37 million views.
Like I just looked up this rapper who did a song about Purple Drank that starts with Lil Wayne.
Okay, most girls.
How many views does that have?
Fucking a lot.
247 million.
What?
Yeah.
I think we might be the only people.
4.1 million subscribers.
She's very famous.
I think they're...
It's probably because she's Jerry Seinfeld's daughter.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She just added a T. They'll never know.
I wrote down in my notes, is she related to Jerry Seinfeld?
And then I looked at that joke for a while and thought, is that so stupid it's funny or is it just not funny at all?
And I couldn't figure it out.
Let's hear her.
Princess.
Looking like a princess.
I just celebrate.
And she's a big fan of the show she's watching right now.
And she's just bawling her eyes out because I was being mean about her nostrils.
So does that or she know she loved the show so much she's like, oh, that's just Gavin being Gavin.
She actually diddles her bean to this, to me.
And she was diddling her bean and then she came on and she was like, what the fuck?
That's her diddling her bean.
Oh, that's good speed bagging.
Go back.
She got it from you.
She got inspired.
And she's doing the returns where she doesn't let it bounce.
I'm impressed.
That's really hard.
And so's my dick right now.
Most girls.
Very raunchy gossip episode.
Boring music.
Sorry, Haley.
We're glad you're a baby monster, but not a fan of your tunes.
And then I just, you know, these things where they have pictures of celebrities like taking a shit, picking their nose, going to get coffee.
And I find them fascinating because when I look at them, I think, who is looking at this and going, oh, huh?
You don't say someone walked their dog in Toronto who's famous.
This is a very dog-based episode, by the way.
We're going to get to a lot of doggy stuff.
Dog's in the studio today.
He's very shy, though.
You know why I think he's sitting in your little room there?
Why?
He's so stupid that he didn't know that there's a place in the studio that's carpeted.
Oh, okay.
He was sleeping on my jacket yesterday because he thought that's the best we can do.
And then you dragged him in here because he was barking at the locksmith.
And he's like, holy shit, there's carpeting?
Why didn't you...
Hey, Leroy.
Leroy, why didn't you walk around?
You were here all day yesterday.
That is dumb.
And I love you, dude.
What goes on in your peanut head?
Peanut thoughts.
By the way, folks at home, if you talk to your dogs, you are Tom Hanks and Castaway, and your dog is Wilson.
The tech guys get mad at me when I disparage canines because we lose about six subscribers every time I say it.
I'm not really disparaging them, but they don't understand you.
So when you say, should I make salad tonight?
Can I cheat on my diet?
What do you think there, Wallace?
He's just like, food, food, sex, territory, territory, food, food, food, sex, food, food, food, food.
Affection, territory, territory, food, food, food, sex.
What if you could talk?
What would you say?
Food, food, food, sex, food, food, food, territory, territory, food, food, food.
I notice he hates Mondays.
That's so Leroy.
Why are you sitting in my chair?
He barks even after I talk to the guy.
Like the electrician today came by.
And he's barking, barking.
The electrician loves dogs.
And he's like, oh, hey, buddy, how's you?
You know I'm not a robber.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then keeps barking.
Like, does he have a gun in his pocket that's pointed at me that you can see and I can't?
Oh, good point.
Anyway, sorry.
Let's indulge in some celeb photos here and today's gossip.
Oh, you jumped in the middle of it.
There's Diana Ross's daughter, Tracy Ellis Ross, who is hideous, but because she's famous and Hollywood's all about nepotism, she can't even wear fucking high heels.
There's a woman who refused to divorce a multi-millionaire even after he became a human dildo.
What's it like fucking someone like that?
Yeah, yeah.
That would be pretty dope.
That part's not so dope.
That looks like I'm making fun of them.
I'm not.
I'm just saying.
I'm trying to imagine what it's like to have sex with someone who has Parkinson's.
That was supposed to be flattering.
It's not that bad.
It's not like this.
He's just normal, but he's just shh moving.
He's shimmies.
I would assume it's an acquired taste.
I would assume it took a while to get into the zone.
And now she loves it.
So that's fucking his wiggly ass.
Next.
That looks like the ugliest pop star in the world.
That's Lorde.
Oh, that's Lorde.
She does that.
And we were like Royals.
She did the Hot Wing Challenge and didn't flinch.
Meanwhile, Shaquille O'Neal almost had to be hospitalized.
Her new album covers like her butt.
Some complaints will be lies.
Many black men are actually pussies.
Some giant black men are not tough.
Some ugly white women are.
What the fuck is that?
I was listening to like top 20 hits.
That's her bum and puss.
Is that leggings?
No, that's, I think that is a G-string or something.
And I was like, who the fuck is this?
That's a really weird picture.
Yeah.
And it's not an attractive part of a woman.
I mean, I love pussy, don't get me wrong, but like showing your taint.
The taint is...
There's a reason that lingerie commercials don't show that angle.
No one's taint is attractive.
God didn't think anyone was going to be looking down there.
I think she's trying to be artsy, but also get away with showing her cheeks.
That's like the only...
Maybe that's the only flattering butt cheek she can muster.
Hmm.
That's certainly not flattering.
No.
That looks like that ugly chick who's in that movie where she goes, I think you're special.
And he says, that means retarded.
You'll never find that.
You know the girl with the huge teeth?
It's like a Ann Waters movie or something.
She's actually ugly?
Yes.
Okay.
Let's go to the next one.
Oh, boy.
Never mind.
Whoa.
Talentless black woman.
Nothing.
Keep going.
Sometimes some of the complaints will be lies.
There's Bella Hadid.
Can you zoom out, Shit's Head?
Shit's Head?
Yeah, look how badly she dresses.
What are those parachute pants?
With like lame sneakers on?
You know that you're going to be paparazzied.
So she wears a Chloe shirt.
That's nice.
But with that, you need like short shorts or a little skirt.
You don't wear like a soccer coach bottoms.
It looks like she's two different people.
Pepper Pots, Jarvis, somebody borrowed my pants.
Yeah, she dresses like Tony Starks.
Tony Starks.
Worst guy in America.
I fucking hate this retard.
I've hated him since he did a Coca-Cola commercial called Really, Really Real about keeping it real in a Coke commercial.
And I hate how he's the intellectual.
I bet he reads less books than you.
And he's like Mr. Deep Thoughts.
He did some IBM commercial where he's like, we need to re-assess our lives and think outside the box.
What's six times seven?
Oh, we got to show you this Fleckus video where they ask people questions on the street.
You've already seen it, but.
So anyway, common worst dude ever.
Look at his fucking face.
Every time I see him, I'm like, how did he make it into this now?
How?
He's always been the heavy shit, deep, intellectual, scientific, rapping philosopher.
And he's retarded.
Like, at least Coolio is like, I'm a goof.
Or old dirty bastard.
They're their selves.
But he's like, he thinks he's fucking Jean-Paul Sartre.
Ugh.
You couldn't even imagine.
Fucking mustache that takes an hour to make.
His poor barber has to sit there making his stupid, sharpie mustache.
Fuck you.
Common.
Even his stupid name.
We don't have a caste system in America, so calling yourself one of the common people doesn't make any sense.
We're all nouveau riche.
All right, next pick.
What was that at, by the way?
Go back.
Common performs with black thought.
See?
And Sean Kouti on the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon.
So I guess because Sean Kouti must be the son of Fila Kouti, who was an African activist, and I guess that means anytime he shows up, everyone is a deep-thinking political activist.
Black thought.
Next.
I can't.
I'm going to start getting racist if I keep.
He's probably cool.
I like Fila Kouti.
I felt a Kouti once.
Grab him by the Kooti.
Time to bust a rhyme.
I guess the person who wrote the headlines was in a rush to get home that day.
Bust the rhymes, performing.
Okay.
Some of the complaints will be lies.
Keep going.
Jennifer Hudson, boring.
Stunning, really?
Is she?
This is Vince Jones not looking very cool.
There's something about British people when you stick him in L.A., they lose their British charm.
In fact, he's wearing the same tight black t-shirt that Ricky Gervais started wearing when he moved to L.A. True.
And he's lost his imposing soccer hooligan look.
He looks like a twat at a club who's too old to be at the club.
But he has Coke, so girls tolerate him.
And then the girls come over and he does a little bit of Coke and then he starts freaking out and they're like, are you okay?
He's like, I gotta go.
No.
No.
Ryan, you've never done Coke at a club.
Don't make jokes about it.
I've done so much Coke at so many clubs.
At a club.
Yeah.
A dance club, a nightclub.
Have you even never been to a nightclub?
No.
Let's see you.
I don't want to be looked at right now.
You've never been to a nightclub.
No.
Let's see you.
I'm doing my hair.
This is what happened with it.
You've never been to a nightclub.
No.
I'm not saying you've got to go clubbing for months and months.
Right.
But you've never been inside a club, like a dance club.
You never dance at a dance club.
Been to a stri.
You've been to a strip.
Strip club?
And we had bottle service.
Not even remotely what I'm talking about.
There was dance club.
You might as well have said I've been to a restaurant.
You've never been to a nightclub.
You fucking loser.
Isn't it just for gay people and Italians?
And also blacks.
It's a major part of Western culture.
For many people, it's their entire nightlife.
Now, it's not my cup of tea.
I haven't been in decades.
I'm an old man who's married, but like, that's a thing that you should have at least tried.
It's like not trying mountain biking or hiking or something.
I haven't tried mountain biking.
Have you?
I was a bike messenger for five years.
Yes, I've tried mountain biking through trails.
It's really fun and exciting.
You've never done that?
No.
Fucking Puerto Ricans have not tried anything.
I told you about that guy at my gym who went to a place called Manhattan for the first time recently.
He's 22.
The Bronx is in New York City.
He'd never been to Manhattan before.
He gets out of the train like, whoa.
Wow.
Wow.
This is bigger than Co-op City.
But not as nice.
You got to try stuff, you tard.
Nightclub.
I don't know.
Anyway, Zoe Kazan, our second Zoe of the gossip episode.
No fucking clue who that is.
I like her little look, though.
She's on the set of She Said.
Don't know what that is.
Look up She Said.
What is that on the TW?
Like that show that's based on Archie Comics, Riverdale.
Right.
Super corny.
I assume only 12-year-olds watch it, 12-year-old girls.
Should I know about Riverdale?
Should I know about She Said?
When I think that this is People Magazine we're reading now, right?
So People Magazine is like at the grocery store, Housewives buy it.
That implies that a woman who's 32 watches Riverdale.
That's disturbing.
I don't care.
2022.
Okay, it hasn't come out yet.
Oh, it's a movie.
Yeah.
Oh, is it about the Me Too movement and fucking What's His Face?
Who's playing...
Yeah, who's playing that hideous seal?
Harvey.
Dean Baquette.
He's playing Harvey?
So it's a heroic story about...
Oh my God.
It's a heroic story about the New York Times breaking the Me Too movement, which basically ruined America.
I bet they're just going to glaze over that fucking pillowcase of a woman who looks like she should be on Animal Planet.
What's her Tirana Burke?
She started Me Too, and her rape involved having her shirt ripped when she was seven, wrestling with big kids.
Andre Brauher is probably playing her.
Do you know who Dean Baquette is, Ryan?
Of course.
Who is he?
It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet.
No, no.
I didn't ask the computer.
I asked you.
Who's Dean Baquette?
Don't look it up.
He's a journalist.
No, he's the head guy at a journalism thing.
He's the editor of the New York Times.
Right.
Go back to these pictures, please.
He's an affirmative action hire from New Orleans who has helped ruin what was already a dying paper.
Ramy Malik can't see his shoes.
Stupid shoes.
So this guy is a celebrity, and he went and got some supplies, some groceries.
You wouldn't have known that if we didn't have this picture.
We would have thought maybe someone else got his groceries.
But in this case, he got his own groceries.
Okay.
Sean Mendez, who I believe is a famous pop star, he walked his dog in Toronto.
Took it for a walk.
What do you think of that?
Pretty exciting.
Hey, honey.
Hi.
Anything happened today?
Yeah, Sean Mendez walked his dog in Toronto.
Off a cliff?
No, no, no.
Just walked it.
Oh, that's interesting.
He's got the same little poop bag thing.
And he's got a bag of shit.
Yeah.
He's carrying home his groceries, too.
Grosseries.
Go back down to those shoes.
Are those bathroom slippers?
Those are like those, they're puma fuzzy slippers.
Rihanna made them popular.
Who did?
Rihanna.
Rihanna?
That just shows you how fucking lazy we are.
Bathroom slippers are popular.
She is a smoke show.
And when I was complaining about that mosquito body earlier, this is what we want.
We want some meat on our bones.
That's a perfect body, I'd say.
Why are you cutting away back to me?
Trying to Google her.
Well, don't.
I want to see her.
I miss her already.
There she is.
Hispanics usually have bigger tits.
No, wouldn't it be a good thing?
Wouldn't it be fun if we wrote these?
Elia Gonzalez, with basically a perfect body, although Mexicans tend to have bigger tits.
It's seen here in those stupid fucking bathroom slippers that are the kids today are wearing.
I guess that's what do's and don'ts was advice.
I believe we can do that ourselves.
It'll take me a second, but yeah, you could.
You just go in here and then change shit.
They could say that.
Wait, we should really steal that and put that on the site.
That would be...
Why don't hackers do that?
They always do dumb shit, like try to break into a bank.
They should just add like a swear word, one tiny swear word in the middle of a People magazine article.
Yeah, don't they know that like and after she picked up her fucking dogs coming back from vacation, she moved back to Honolulu.
What are you doing right now?
Looking up Ilya Gonzalez?
No.
I was trying to change that to say has small tits for Latina.
Okay.
Keep going.
The Backstreet Boys are back.
That's the only interesting thing that has happened this entire.
There's a hundred of these?
We're not going through 100 of these.
The Backstreet Boys are back and they're fat.
Who's the black guy?
Rehearse with Boys to Men's Wayna Morris for their upcoming after-party show at the Venetian Resort.
See, there's life after death in world of pop music.
Keep going.
She's hot.
You know what?
Let's see the fucking shoes, moron.
See here.
Every time I see her with her, I think of her stubby finger, and then my first thought is putting it up my ass.
Is that normal?
Does everyone.
No.
That's not what I think.
I actually didn't mean to say that.
I meant to chastise everyone else for thinking that and pretend I don't think that.
That's the guy from Oz on HBO who was gay, and I can't get that out of my head, even though he's done a million roles since then.
I just see him as the dude who's getting butt-fucked in jail.
Rita Brady?
Keep going.
I looked up this chick, KK Palmer.
Tons of awards and Black Beautiful Woman Award and this award, acting.
No actual movies to speak of, just a bunch of Nickelodeon shit.
And she was like an extra in Barbershop 2.
But lots of awards.
Oh, she's not looking so hot without makeup.
More gas.
Ooh-oh.
She was in Hustlers.
Like, she's not.
She kind of looks like Elysia Banks.
Azealia, yeah.
All right, let's do a couple more pictures.
I thought there was only 10.
That's a talented soccer player.
Okay.
Let's get to important news here up in the gossip show in our dog section.
Why is he so lazy?
The dog?
Yeah.
I don't know.
He's fed, right?
Yeah.
Another thing is if you give him the option to run around, he will.
So I think he's got energy dormant, but there's not much options for him.
He knows we're doing a show.
Now, you took care of my dog for a while.
Right.
This is how it should go.
You wake up, you have a little bowl of food, a little thing of water.
He eats it.
Within 20 minutes, you walk him at least around a city block.
And then you could leave him alone.
Six hours is pretty bad, but you could leave him alone for a while.
Then around six, seven o'clock, you do the same with the water and the food.
And you walk him again around a city block.
That's the minimum.
Did you do that every day?
Yep.
Me and my wife took turns.
She would do a majority of the walking because she would have to park the car.
And then I would park your car.
So on the way back.
Isn't she like bowling ball, I mean, basketball pregnant?
Yes.
Shouldn't you be doing all this walking and driving and parking?
Well, you know.
I mean, I was doing a lot of lifting.
I was lifting stuff.
When you moved?
Yeah, there was moving stuff.
That was weeks and weeks ago.
Helping somebody move some stuff.
And then other things, I forget.
Let me tell you.
You were playing video games, and she's doing the lions share the work.
I don't know how long.
But we played video games together last time we played.
I've been going to the gym.
But yeah, we walked him, and he pooped a lot.
And today I walked him.
Okay, wait a minute.
Yesterday he was at the studio, and I felt bad because I was doing the Kumia show.
And I said, could you take him for a walk or something?
That wasn't far, yeah, so I could absolutely stop by.
I wanted to take him.
So you did that, but then when I got home at like 10, 30, 11.
Oh, sorry, this is Wednesday.
I walked him and he had a giant shit.
He shit today after.
No, no, no, Scott, go back.
Go back to Wednesday.
So you came in.
I think the shit he took today was bigger than the shit that you saw.
On Wednesday.
Right.
You came into the studio to give him some love.
Right.
Did you walk him?
No.
I asked you to.
I said, I feel bad.
He's been stuck in the studio all day.
Can you walk him?
And you said, yes, I'm at the gym.
I will.
I think you said just give him some love.
I remember asking, do you want me to take him?
And you were like, no.
No, I don't want you to take him.
I want you to walk him.
He's fed and watered.
Would I walk around the block?
Oh, maybe I did walk him around the block then.
Yeah, I did.
It was at nighttime.
Yeah, I forgot.
That was like a quick little stop.
But he pooped today.
I walked him today.
I don't care about today.
You stopped bringing up today.
Why are you bringing up today?
You complained about a human-sized shit as if it's a sign of that he's been neglected.
I made you walk him today.
Anyway, this is boring to people.
Brittany's dogs are gone.
They have been stolen.
No, they've been taken by a vet.
Now, here's what I don't get about this story, number one, five.
She's rich, obviously, right?
And she took her parents to court, and the judge said, you're good.
Everything's fine.
Meaning, the dad showed probably crazy texts, crazy videos.
She's a nut.
And I think that the court probably also saw that she was getting tons of money.
I mean, I bet she gets $3 million a year.
And I bet the judge went, yeah, that's pretty good.
And all her bills are paid.
And she has a maid, and she has a cook.
Most rich people have their own cook.
The cook will come in, for example, Jennifer Anniston.
She had three cooks there all day, who I think are basically her closest friends.
And they would come in around noon and leave around seven.
Right?
Make your own breakfast.
That's probably what Brittany has.
That's the norm.
And then security outside and all that.
Anyway, she has little stupid dogs.
The maid will come in or the cook will come in and feed them.
And she probably has a dog walker, right?
So, how the fuck, how the fuck, what was she doing to them?
Cutting them?
Feeding them chocolate?
I don't understand what the neglect was.
Her dad had something to do with their disappearance?
She suspects.
You're terrible at figuring stuff out.
What do you think happened?
I can't say I care enough to ponder, but let's see.
They're pissed at her, so they took the dog, or they don't think she's capable of taking the dog, so they for the dog.
Here's what happened: they were taking the vet for whatever reason, and the vet said, I'm not giving these back.
These dogs have been neglected.
Maybe.
But I don't get how a rich person's dogs could be neglected because they have servants.
Maybe she's like, I don't want them at my house.
Maybe she doesn't have those things.
She's trying to live a service.
What's your theory that she doesn't have a mate?
Why did I ask you?
Go back to the article.
Fleckis is good at solving mysteries.
We're going to have him on solving a mystery because his dog was stolen.
Go up.
Down?
Britney Spears' dogs were taken from her early this month.
This after her dog sitter and housekeeper believed the pets were being neglected.
Couldn't the housekeeper just feed them?
It's just twice a day.
And that's what triggered the confrontation between Britney and her housekeeper that led to a criminal investigation.
Sources directly connected to Brittany tell TMZ around two weeks ago one of her dogs became sick.
And the dog sitter, who's also a nurse, took that dog to Britney's other dog and Brittany's other dog to the vet.
The dogs never came home.
And our sources say the dog sitter kept and took care of the dogs because she believed they weren't safe at Britney's home.
See, this is the mystery.
What does she mean not safe?
Does Brittany kick them?
Looks like she throws them around, which is nice.
That's not them.
They're not tigers.
I don't know.
She's been going a little loony on Instagram, posting her boobies.
She's been what?
Posting her boobies.
Huh.
It's got to be not feeding them.
That's the only thing it could be.
But if you are regularly at Britney's house and you think her dogs aren't being fed, feed her fucking dogs.
Ooh.
She's nuts, which means awesome in bed.
She's got cankles, which I don't have a problem with, but I just thought you should know.
Yeah, it's the gossip episode.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
She's still got it.
See, that's a nut.
Yeah, that's crazy girl movements.
That's Adderall, too.
That's Adderall and a glass of wine.
The wide eyes at 1 p.m.
I don't blame famous people for being nuts in L.A. They're prisoners.
You know, when Pablo Escobar was arrested, he said, okay, fine, but I'm building the prison.
So he built himself this awesome paradise with giraffes and rhinos running around, who are now a problem.
Hippopotamuses are a major problem in Colombia now because they got loose after he was killed.
That's what all celebrities are in.
They're in a Pablo Escobar prison.
And I'm sure it fucking rules for five days.
But I remember with Justin Thoreau, I was like, can we go get a beer?
Like, we've been sitting in your house all day.
He goes, are you crazy?
I can't go outside.
They could go to the Chateau Marmont.
So they would drive there.
You know, the valet takes the car away.
They go.
They sit in a special area.
It's kind of the life of a pedophile.
You're in the shoe.
See that picture of him trying to eat?
And she's just surrounded by a gaggle of broads?
That's how he has to eat.
Where is he?
That's Justin Bieber.
I said Justin Thoreau.
No, I said Justin Bieber, though.
Oh.
And then there's one of him getting choked out at a club, too.
But imagine having a shooting.
Doesn't that look like hell?
Yeah, it does.
You're a burned victim.
What if you're not in the mood to chat?
You live the life of a burned victim.
Like, if a burned victim walks into a restaurant and he has no nose and just like weird eye hole, weird eye hole, anus mouth.
Everyone goes, oh my fucking God.
Oh, my God.
And then they sort of go, don't look now, but there is a severely burned person just walked in right behind me.
Exact same with Justin Bieber.
So you're a freak.
Like, one of my greatest joys is walking into a dive bar anywhere in the world and then just shooting the shit with the barmaid or some guy there.
Who's doing that?
Some guy.
Somebody said this looks like a Renaissance painting.
It does.
I don't think that's malicious, though.
I think he's like, he grabbed him like this and threw him out.
Yeah, maybe it's a guy he knows.
But he looks weird.
Like the back of his head doesn't look like a famous hot guy.
He looks like a gross guy.
I know.
It's a security guard explaining who he had to choke out and showing Justin how he did it.
Oh, okay.
And then Justin's like, okay, you didn't have to physically show me.
That's a great theory.
Yeah.
Speaking of important gossip, Lady Gaga's Dog Walker feels neglected.
Now, on the one hand, I go, it must be traumatizing to be stabbed.
But what are you doing, Ryan?
What happened with Katie Hopkins' episodes, by the way?
Speaking of your negligence.
During your vacation thing, I had my workflow down to a point where I completely just forgot to do that.
That's the weirdest excuse I've ever heard.
I had my workflow down to a point where I forgot.
Yeah, it was just three archive clips a day, and then I was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Nothing else exists.
But wasn't she emailing you the clips?
Yes.
Do you not check your email?
I do.
But all humans wake up and check their email.
Yeah, I have like three emails, so it's tough sometimes.
What?
I have three emails, so it's tough sometimes.
They should all be in the same inbox.
Yeah, they do, but they still compile.
It's still a lot of emails.
It's still like, you know, 50 a day.
Yeah, but when you check them every morning, you see what the new ones are, and then.
She's in Britain time, so I don't know what time she sends them, but I could check.
I missed the email because it's in Britain time.
Well, if you wake up at the moment.
You know what?
In the future, just don't do excuses.
You suck even more at excuses than you do at your job.
Well, you're asking me why.
I didn't want to provide an excuses.
The answer is you don't check your emails.
Right.
Because you're a boob.
Not British time.
The fuck.
So let's go to Lady Gaga's Dog Walker.
If you recall, he was shot, right?
Yes, he was shot while walking the poop star's three French Bulldogs in Hollywood in February.
He spent weeks in hospital and almost died.
In a GoFundMe, he said he wants to travel for two months to heal.
Can't Lady Gaga just buy him a fucking vacation at four seasons?
He said he needs support to continue his sabbatical across the U.S., seeking out retreat centers, trauma programs, queer healers.
Wow.
Is he trying to become straight like Milo?
Hi, we're a center here.
It's $30,000 a month.
We'd love to have you here.
We have kayaking and hiking.
Is the staff gay?
I think Artie's gay and Ken is gay.
Why?
So they're not all queer healers.
No, many are straight healers.
Sorry, not interested.
I'm looking exclusively for queer healers.
Sometimes the healers will be straight.
What a moron.
Did they shoot him in the brain?
He needs financial support.
Look at him.
I wonder if Lady Gaga's pissed at him.
Dude, you make me look like a cheapskate.
Why don't you just ask me?
Oh, yeah, he was shot.
This is...
What do you mean?
Oh, yeah, he was shot.
I just said that a minute ago.
Are you watching the show?
Dude, I was wondering why he was laying there.
Well, was it a clue when I said he was shot?
That should have tipped you off that he was shot.
Look at his fucking, whatever that is.
Dress shirt?
It's a shirt dress.
Oh, those are some poems he writes.
You'll be getting one of those if you donate.
Turn it up.
I can't hear anything.
Donate to me.
I'm awesome.
Look, I'll run through the trees and I'll sunbathe.
Give me money.
Holy shit.
Is there something about being a homosexual that rots your brain?
Remember I told you I don't like black guys with green eyes?
Because they've had so many blowjobs that their brain is fried and they're all stupid.
I think it might be true of a lot of gays.
They get too laid.
I went to this trip club.
What was it called?
Thirst?
Lust?
It was next to the cock on 2nd and 2nd.
And there was a Puerto Rican there dancing on the bar.
He had on a white Yankees hat, white Timberlands, and a white jockstrap.
And he was dancing like this, like he had no brain.
He was an empty shell.
And maybe he had his, like they say, they fucked your brains out.
Maybe gays, what keeps us straight sharp is we don't get laid as much as we want to.
So we're always like looking for some pussy.
We're trying to get our wives to give us some pussy.
That's why I don't fart around my wife.
I'm always like, there might be a blowjob on the horizon.
I got to keep things cool.
But if you're getting a blowjob every eight minutes, you're just like, I don't need to do anything.
Like, why are attractive women so boring?
Because they can be.
Fat people are funny because they have to be.
Doesn't having full balls like help you be motivated?
Wait a minute.
This is feeling like a big epiphany.
Who's a gay intellectual?
Milo.
He's not gay.
That's true.
Give me another gay.
There's Gore Vidal.
There's that British guy, Stephen Fry.
There's a lot of gay dancers.
There's a lot of gay artists who aren't very good at art, like Keith Herring.
There's a lot of gay fashion designers who like to draw dresses.
There's a lot of gay chefs.
That eat grubs.
Golf is an intellectual sport.
It takes a lot of math.
And there's zero male gay golfers for some bizarre reason that nobody knows.
Steve Saylor has analyzed this at length.
There's lesbian golfers.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Don't Google gay golf.
Oh, my God.
What did I Google the other day?
And I just got nothing but gay porn.
It was like something.
And then the word gay was in there.
Maybe it was gay golf.
Is that Steve Saylor writing about it?
Pimmy Watson.
Oh, yeah.
Pimmy Wiltson.
Pimmy.
There's three.
Jimmy?
No, Pimmy.
With a P. Your name's Pimmy?
What kind of parent names their kid Pimmy?
Pim, for short.
You can just call me Pim.
Or Pim's.
Pimmy, what do you do?
I write about gay golfers.
My article of a list of three gay golfers.
Oh, you see?
That's the way a woman's brain works.
Oh, really?
There's no gay golfers?
Well, there's three, so you're wrong.
And then this guy's like suing them because he's like, I fucked a guy in college once.
And it was for...
No, he's just gay as in lame.
The first two are homosexuals.
The last guy is just super boring.
He doesn't like cheeseburgers.
He wears socks with sandals.
He goes home early.
Yeah, he likes doing his taxes.
Anyway, go to 17.
Fleckis, who is not gay, just had his dog stolen last night.
You scroll down.
Scroll down to the very bottom, actually.
That's his dog, Jerry.
And then that's him hanging out with the orange man.
I talked to an old friend I hadn't talked to in five years the other day.
We were big Trump guys.
Talk about all the time.
He loves his guns, loves his country.
And he hates Trump now.
I sent him a picture because we know the Nelk Boys.
And I sent him a picture of Donald Trump Jr. on Nelk Boys, which I thought was brave of them.
And he goes, look at that fucking idiot.
He's Donald Trump Jr. 2.
And I went, what?
Yes, he is Donald Trump Jr. 2.
I mean, Donald Trump 2.
He's awesome.
He goes, fuck, I fucking hate Trump now.
I have a Biden sign on my lawn.
What?
I go, how can you like Biden?
He goes, I don't like Biden.
I don't like any politician.
I love my guns and my country.
Okay.
I go, I don't give a shit who you like.
It sounds like some scorned ex-girlfriend shit, though.
Great theory.
Great theory, Ryan.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what it is.
Oh, wait.
He's been married and has two kids and has been married for about 15 years.
Great theory.
He feels like Trump let him down or he was like cued.
Oh.
And he was like, he's going to save, he's going to watch.
Trump's going to save everything.
He promised me.
No, I think he was pro-Trump because he's me.
He was a male model.
So he's very agreeable.
And because he was around me all the time, he was that.
Now that it's bad for business, he's like, all right, I'm that.
Ew.
Yeah, so I love that picture of him next to Trump sitting there eating those blue potatoes.
What a fucking, of all the people to be sitting next to Trump, he chose Fleckis, which I'm saying is awesome.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm just mean, like, what an honored, what an honorable mention.
Holy shit.
And he was right next to him, too.
Yep.
Sit over here.
You know what that was?
That was, I bet that was Donald Trump Jr.
Trump's like, who's big with the kids?
Oh, have him sit next to you, Dad.
Number one guy of the kids, well, there's Tim Poole, but he's an annoying nerd who doesn't think people know he's bald.
What about Ben Shapiro, Dad?
No, I don't like that little Jew.
His voice gives me nightmares.
Do you have someone who's got like balls?
There's Elijah Schaefer.
I think he's gay.
No, he's not gay, Dad.
I'm pretty sure he's gay.
Who else you got?
He golfs.
There's no way he's gay.
Oh, I know.
Fleckis.
Is he a real man, Donnie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was a football player.
Yeah, yeah.
That's who I want.
Get him over.
Okay, Dad.
But does he know how to have fun?
Does he, like, interview people with a spoon or something?
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, we're going to go off the dog topic for a second.
You need to see this video that's on that post.
I'm assuming...
I can't assume everyone's seen it because it's so good that if I don't show it and you miss it, I'll kill myself.
So I apologize if this viral video has already graced your computer, but it needs to be done.
So go back to the email where you showed the Trump and him, and if you scroll up, you'll see the video.
It's in there.
It is in there.
Okay.
We just scrolled by it.
You could also do this, same video.
Okay, this is shocking.
$21?
If you can name any continent.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what continent.
If I did, I would say it.
What century are we in?
Stop.
How many continents are there, and what are they?
I don't know how many, but I know it's Africa, America, North America, South America.
Well, hold on.
Yep.
There's Europe, Asia, and is Antarctica a fucking continent?
And is...
No, Australia's a country that's part of...
Australia might be a continent.
I don't know.
Australia is a country that's in the continent Australia.
Like New York, New York.
Is that a joke?
No.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, well.
Australia, the continent, has New Zealand and Australia in it.
Gotcha.
Yeah, I felt like it was both.
So that feeling was right.
I think there's some controversy on Eurasia versus Europe and Asia.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, these are the kind of discussions you should have when someone says name all the continents or name one.
So how many was that?
Africa.
You said seven.
I think.
Europe, Asia.
So six?
I thought there were seven.
Antarctica.
I think it's Eurasia is one, and then the Arctic.
Arctica.
No.
Antarctica.
Antarctica, and then the Arctic.
I was going to say the North Pole.
Obviously, there's the North Pole where Santa lives.
Land masses.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go down.
Go up.
Fuck, I'm going to murder you.
Antarctica, Asia, Africa, Australia, Europe, North America, South America.
Good though.
Antarctica, Asia, Africa, Australia.
Yeah, you got it right.
First time round.
So we.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
That feels good.
20.
Yes.
If you're driving 60 miles away.
He said, what century are we in?
And he said, 20.
Oh, right, alright.
20.
Maybe the 20th century.
So he doesn't know that the 1900s was the 20th century.
Yeah, it's off because it starts at zero.
Right.
That was Milo's problem.
He goes, I've always been paid 30 days late.
And we're like, no, dude, you've always been paid every 30 days.
You just thought you should have got paid for a month on day zero.
That's not how it works.
Yes.
If you're driving 60 miles an hour and you drive for one hour, how far do you end up traveling?
I don't know.
I'm looking at math.
Two hours?
Justin here.
Stop.
It's in Antifa.
It's in the name, Anti-Fascist.
It didn't even say 60 miles per hour.
She doesn't have to know per.
60 miles an hour.
Like, it's in the measurement.
How far is this car going?
Well, if you were to drive an hour, you'd have covered 60 miles.
60 miles every hour.
60 miles an hour.
Her answer, the question was, how far?
And she goes, how two hours far?
That's not a distance, my sweet.
Maybe she thinks he means, okay, say you, I know you don't like driving much.
Say you're going 60 miles an hour.
How long do you want to drive?
She'd be like, ah, I'd probably get bored after like two hours.
Probably like Jersey.
After I was in Newark, I'd probably say, fuck this, traffic sucks.
I don't know.
I'm looking at math.
Two hours?
Justin here, and today we're in the beautiful Times Square in New York City doing a collab with Fleckis Talks.
We're just going to be able to do this.
This is a good plan for Fleckis because he's getting too recognized.
And the genius of Fleckis, the reason he makes money is not this.
It's the editing.
He'll take two hours and make five minutes that really pops.
Editing is a very underappreciated skill.
It makes movies.
It's like Bob Odenkirk said about that terrible movie, Run, Ronnie, Run.
He goes, give me all the raw footage from Casablanca, and I'll make you a piece of shit.
Jaws was garbage.
They gave it to the editor, a woman, and she goes, Where the fuck's the shark?
And they go, It kept breaking.
We don't really have any.
We have like three scenes.
The fuck?
So she goes, I know, I'll get a tuba and I'll make it about the anticipation of the shark.
And people looking out over the water, knowing it's there.
She made possibly the greatest film ever made, definitely up in the top 10 of all time.
If editing's done right, you don't even notice it's happening.
Yep.
And ask people to see if they know anything at all.
Can you name the continents?
What the f ⁇ ?
No?
Bitch, like, isn't it like Alaska?
Yep.
Ah, I got it right.
You see Alaska?
Yay, you did it.
They're all happy.
Oh, New Jersey?
Alaska.
So you got Alaska, New Jersey.
Hawaii?
Yes.
What's Obama's last country?
What countries are in New Jersey?
How many countries are in New Jersey?
Now, I'm actually pretty impressed because you have never read a book in your life.
You went to a school in the Bronx where fat black women sat on you.
What?
If I misbehaved.
So, where did you learn such a basic fact?
I don't know.
I know the flat Earth map, I mean, from my flat Earth studies.
Mostly that.
That's how you learned the continents.
You were trying to debunk them.
Debunked every fact.
I know the mythical seven continents.
Well, yeah.
Wait.
The president, Obama, what's his last name?
Quick, quick, quick.
Just say it.
I don't...
Say it.
Say it.
Obama.
What is his last name?
I'm asking you, just say it.
First thing.
His last name?
Say it.
What, his first name?
I don't know.
What is his last name?
What's 6 times 7?
6 times 7?
Yeah.
48.
What does why?
48.
It's not true.
Is he thinking of 7 times 7 plus 1?
Yeah, the way he said 6 times 7, it's kind of sounding like 7 times 7.
Did you say 7 times 7 plus 1?
Well, he said 48.
49 is 7 times 7.
So, yeah.
7.
6 times 7?
Yeah.
48.
What does Y eat?
Stupid kid trick, by the way.
I remember my dad used to grill me with my times tables as a kid, and he'd go, what's 8 times 7?
And I go, 8?
Oh, me?
Oh, 8 times 7.
Oh, 8 times 7.
Oh, that's 56.
You grab like 10 seconds to think about it.
Hold on, I'm talking about.
You little old me?
Oh, I didn't know you were asking me.
I thought you were asking my brother.
I'll tell you that it's 56, right like that.
Then he does another one.
11 times 11.
Oh, we're still doing this?
Okay, 121.
Six times seven?
Yeah, 48.
What does YES spell?
Insane.
YES?
Yeah.
Y-E-S.
I don't know.
What the f?
What you say?
What does Y-E-S spell?
Wes, right?
Wes?
Wes?
Tell me Tom 6.
Stop the presses.
I don't know what to do with that.
First of all, how do you not know what a Y is?
Secondly, I think she's saying, she's hearing the in what does.
And that is somehow sticking in her brain.
So she hears ES, and then she knows the question started with a w.
What?
So she goes, E-S, Wes.
I mean, that's a good theory.
If my teachers called me and said, all three of my kids are doing really bad in school, I'd go, who cares?
That's like saying they're doing really bad at Scientology or they're going to be terrible at astrology.
I don't care.
School doesn't exist anymore.
There's no such thing as school.
Wes, right?
Wes?
Wes?
Tell me times six.
Six times seven.
Yes.
I'll give you $1 if you can name a single continent.
Who did we gain our independence from?
I don't know.
Didn't they go to war?
Yeah, who did we fight against?
Airbody.
No, that's not World War II.
Independence.
World War II was not to get American independence.
And we didn't fight America.
We've been independent for a while.
We had allies.
Yeah.
Take a guess.
What country?
Korea.
200 years off.
Like, what is the logo on your shirt?
What is that from?
It's a play on something.
What is this shirt from?
It says trippy red, but what is it borrowed from?
Zed Leppin?
Yes.
The 69th president of the United States of America.
It's Def Leppard, by the way.
69th.
Richard Nixon?
They call Trump 45 all the time.
Zork Blort.
Remember there was that anti-Trump sticker.
It was the number 45 crossed out.
It was a synonym.
Everyone would call him 45.
And he was unique.
Like, people didn't call Obama 44.
Damn.
Yes.
How many make up one dozen?
How many make up one dozen?
Baker?
100?
Yes.
Yes.
Can you go get me a dozen donuts, please?
You'll need a pickup truck.
That's like Joe at the bar.
The owner goes, Joe, go to this sub-place.
I'm doing a Scottish accent, but he's not.
Hold on.
It's like, top of my mind, how would you do?
And go to the sub-place and get me just fucking 10 subs because we're going to be showing the Super Bowl and I want subs around.
And he goes, hey, boss, it's going to be $1,000.
He goes, what?
A thousand bucks for fucking 10 subs?
It should be 100 max.
And Joe thought he meant six foot long subs.
Can you fucking believe that?
I need a sub.
I assume you mean a six foot long one, right?
Like most people.
Get me a dozen donuts.
Here's your hundred donuts.
Obama's last name?
Obama.
Care.
Care.
Care.
Care?
Is that she's stealing one of my jokes?
Obama.
Care.
Care.
Barack Obama care.
Maybe she's thinking of hope, like the hope posters, and she's like, oh, wait, I think it was care.
Oh, that's a good theory for once.
Yeah.
That's like when we were playing Trivial Pursuit and my son was like seven, six.
He obviously doesn't know any of the answers and he's bored.
So I forget what the question was, like, who came up with the light bulb?
And Johnny just sort of struts forward and goes, Michael Frog Jackson.
Barack Obamacare.
Why can't I picture Michael Frog Jackson?
I'm going to get a tattoo of Pepe the Frog as Michael Jackson and call it Michael Frog Jackson.
It's my favorite name that has ever been uttered.
Michael Frog.
Where the fuck?
For a while there, he said his name was Johnny Eats Fries McInnes.
That's great.
I'm voting for that Hope guy.
Yeah, Care.
Wouldn't that be funny if that was his campaign?
Care.
Care.
Care.
Like C-A-R-E.
Obama's last name, the president.
Care.
If you're driving 60 miles an hour and you drive for one hour, how far do you travel?
A mile.
Wow.
Yes.
I'll give you this dollar if you can.
If you do it in a circle and you time it just right, he's correct.
One continent.
No, you're not.
No, I know.
That's what?
Wait, hold on.
Word to the wise.
Ryan, don't make fun of stupid people.
Hold on.
If you drive 60 miles an hour.
In a circle.
Hold on.
But you park a mile away from your first destination by crow as the crow flies.
You have got.
If you drive 60 miles an hour in a circle.
Not a circle.
In Oblast.
How big is the circle, by the way?
Hold on.
It's a horseshoe.
Excuse me.
Okay.
It's a horseshoe.
If you start here and you drive an hour, 60 miles an hour, you drive one mile from horseback.
It is possible to be a mile away from your original destination, depending on your zigzagging route.
That's what he meant.
Oh, okay.
USA.
USI.
Continent.
I don't know.
Congratulations.
60 miles an hour, and you drive for one hour.
How far do you travel?
One mile.
Who fought in this.
You know, Fleck has showed this to some boomers who said that, I don't like this at all.
It's not funny.
You know why?
White guilt.
They don't like seeing black people depicted in a negative way, even though it's multiracial morons here.
What the fuck?
Who wears a t-shirt on top of a winter jacket?
I don't know, but that's a great fucking band name.
Multiracial Morons.
That fucking rules.
Okay, I got to put that on my list of band names.
Do you want to hear it?
It's pretty good.
Oh, you have a whole, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Pernicious Sit, Freddy Krueger's Asshole, Puerto Rican Eggnog, Full Scabies, Missile Whooshing in Square Brackets.
I need to know that.
I saw that on the closed captions of Under Siege.
Droopy Icicles.
Then my son, Mr. Michael Frog Jackson, added this one.
Droopy balls with like 10 O's.
American pig nose.
Hideous dress.
Young men in masks.
Because I find it particularly uncomfortable to see like 20-year-olds wearing masks and being really careful about it.
They're supposed to be the bad boys.
And grape-flavored suppositories.
See, I want to know the context of these.
Like, what grape-flavored suppositories...
Oh, I just thought it was a funny concept.
Because it implies someone's going to be eating your ass later.
Even though you clearly have diarrhea, you're taking suppositories.
Somebody who likes grape.
And then my wife said, maybe that would help with your fucking farts.
You just smell grapes all day.
You're like, this isn't better.
Soldiers.
She's not wrong.
Who against who?
Good.
America and France.
Puffon, the Civil War.
Plumbers.
I don't know that one.
I don't know.
Take it again.
You shouldn't know that one.
It's of no consequence to you.
That's who against who?
Civil War.
You know this.
I don't.
Dig deep.
Civil War.
Silver War.
Who fought in the Silver War?
The war we had bronze.
The three worst wars in America were the Gold Wars, the Civil War, and the Bronze Wars.
Give you a hint which one's worse?
Medium and not so bad.
And the Gold War was clearly the most expensive war.
Hey, y'all, who fought in the Civil War?
Who fought in the Civil War?
Fighting the Civil War?
Yeah.
You have the Statue of Liberty right behind you, sir.
I forgot, honestly.
Take a guess.
Who against who?
It was the U.S. and the Japanese.
No way you got that right.
You just guessed?
Is it it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know who the 69th president of the United States is?
The what?
The 69th president.
One's a number, the other's a president, and the TH means the order.
He's just using your tactic.
Wait, who?
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, the president.
Oh, the 69th.
Let me undo my hair.
Oh, me?
Oh, that was Grover Cleveland.
I don't.
If you had to guess, it's the 69th.
Who was he?
Obama.
Yes.
Spell Mississippi.
Anyway, it goes on like that.
We don't have to watch the whole thing.
It's pretty amazing.
But do you have...
If you got Fleckis on the line, we have to ask him about his doggy.
We do.
And to get to him, we're going to hit a bow.
Fleckis, are you there, sir?
Hello, Gavin.
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
What's going on?
I love the suit.
Is that Yves St. Laurent?
Wow, you were really good.
Let me make sure.
No, it's Pierre Carday.
Ah, mind the sound.
Yeah, I don't know where you got Yves St. Laurent from.
How are you?
Well, I had a little bit of a journey last night.
I've been up all night.
My dog, my Jerry, my purebred people's champ Rottweiler, CEO of Little Big Boy Industries, went missing.
Yesterday I was at my house doing normal stuff.
Had a normal day, drinking coffee, editing some videos, watching Pee Wee Herman, ordered chicken wings.
Sorry, I have to interrupt you.
What, Peewee Herman?
The show, the movie, the new movie?
The new 2016 Netflix version.
With the CGI face?
Yeah, the CGI face.
And then a lot of the tricks he was doing and the little bits he does aren't real life anymore.
Right, but he de-aged his face.
Yeah, yeah.
He had like a filter on the whole movie.
That's distracting.
But like the old one, he used to kind of do stuff and be more realistic.
Like he flips over in the chair and it cracks the egg.
Now he's got like weather balloons in his house and it takes him out and he's got like these skis.
He's going off the roof.
It doesn't really make sense.
There's a lot of moving parts.
So his little bits didn't really add up, which is kind of disappointing.
Like it was originally a play, like a live theater night.
So when he made the show, he kept that realism because he had done it for real on stage.
But you add 20, 30 years, and now it's fucking CGI bullshit that the studio makes him do, I guess.
Unrealistic.
And it's like this guy's got to be spending like 95% of his free time getting people on board to help him with these gadgets and these tricks and the pulleys and the levers.
A lot going on.
So normal day for me.
Order chicken wings.
I was with Richard Rapboy, my producer, and my younger brother is here visiting.
And we decided to go out to 7-Eleven, get some Diet Cokes and candy.
And we came back 20 minutes later.
Jerry's gone.
Now, is he called Jerry because of you and Jerry Nadler?
No, he's named after Jerry Seinfeld, Little Jerry Seinfeld.
Who's Little Jerry Seinfeld?
The chicken in the Seinfeld episode where they get into the cock fighting, and then he goes into the store, and the bird brushes away a dog, and then Kramer's carrying the bird, and the guy who owns the store is like, I like the way he handled himself.
Oh, that's where we got it from.
It's a purebred rot.
Those are pretty expensive.
It's not a cheap dog.
There's no rescuing going on here.
That dog was big bucks.
That dog's a purebred champ.
He has the thing removed on his thing.
He has his tail docked.
He walks like this.
He's a champ.
But he's a puppy.
He's a puppy, right?
Yeah, he's five months.
59 pounds, 60 pounds.
And my theory is I ordered Uber Eats.
It came at like 8.45.
I think the person walked to the door, saw the champion, because no one would go from the street and be like, the odds of someone being in my block looking to steal a dog, willing to go to someone's door and open their door at 9 o'clock on a Thursday, and then like steal a dog that like,
you know, is a good dog, like either you're staking me out or you saw it right before.
So I think the Uber Eats lady went to the door, saw it, has like a person in the car with her.
They kind of like look for Amazon packages and like free puppies.
And I think they yanked him when we were gone, which is weird though, because she delivered like six people's worth of food to my house.
So you'd think she'd be like, oh, this house is full of people.
There's cars here.
There's dogs here.
The lights are on.
Who's like opening a door?
You know?
So we went to this.
And there's tons of cars in your driveway.
May I ask this woman's ethnicity?
I think she was Asian.
Her name was Thu, T-H-U.
Okay.
And they would have to like be hiding around the block to see all you guys leave.
Exactly.
That seems like a bit of a hole in the plot.
And we were, and say, you know, for 24 hours, the last 24 hours, we left the house 20 minutes total, and it was in that window.
So it's like, if it's a street rat who's like getting lucky and a petty thief, it's like no one's that lucky where they're like, oh, no one's here.
And I opened the door and the dog came with me.
So I don't know.
Maybe I'm being staked out.
Maybe it's Antifa and they're LARPing and they're watching out for Fleckus and they've nothing better to do.
But he was gone.
We looked everywhere for him.
We called him.
Want to hear the crazy part?
Yes.
He has a chain with his thing.
It says, Jerry, good boy, my phone number.
I also, yesterday, for the first time ever, was training him with like a vibrating collar and a beeper.
And also as a shock, but I didn't shock him.
I only do the vibrations.
So I took the collar off.
And for the first time in like two months, he didn't have his collar with my phone number on it.
It was the one, it was the couple hours that he was just like, we just did some training and I didn't switch the collars back yet.
Can I get more headroom?
It looks like you have a Yamaka on.
That would be fine.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
It just changes the context.
I need more.
It's touching the tip of your head.
There, that's a million times better.
I can finally breathe.
That's great.
Does he have a microchip in him?
He has a microchip, but that doesn't count as GPS.
See, this is what I don't know.
I'm guessing they could have bought him to the vet and the vet would be like stolen dog and then be like, where'd you get this dog?
And then I come and I have my Draco or whatever and then get the dog back.
Here's what I don't get.
Your theory is that there are a bunch of amateurs and one crackhead said, hey, I got this really cool dog.
And the other crackhead said, they can track that shit, man.
Get it out of here.
And he went, oh, okay.
Okay, I get that.
That's like Ratzo Rizzo from Midnight Cowboy, just loser derelict hustlers.
But to stake out a home and watch the six guys leave and go one, two, three, four, five.
We got all six guys.
And to know that those cars are not representing anyone in there anymore, that's pretty sophisticated.
Very sophisticated.
So it's like sophisticated people stole it, but retards gave it back?
That's what I don't get.
That's what I don't get too.
I'm trying to piece it together and create a story and understand.
I think maybe the girl delivers the food.
It was only three people in the house.
It was six people's worth of food, though.
So to her, she thinks there's six people because us three ate a whole pig pie yesterday of all these, all the wings.
When we described what we wanted wings-wise, we said we want a trash can lid full of wings.
So that's kind of what we ordered.
And you call that a pig pie?
That's pig pie.
It's like when you have a spread of everything and you can just have the best bites.
We do it with pies too.
You order like 10 different slices of pie and you have a bite from each across the window.
King Henry VIII?
It's like charcuterie for just whatever you want.
That's how I like to do it.
It's probably not the best.
I'm like probably over 300 pounds.
But I've been working out.
So my theory is she came, she saw the dog.
She's a petty crook who maybe steals Amazon packages.
She did the delivery.
She got in her car.
She waited for her next delivery.
And in that time, maybe saw the Jeep from the driveway pull out with three guys in it.
Was like, ooh, that's the house with the dogs.
Maybe I go knock on the door.
And if they answer, I'll be like, oh, some Uber Eats question.
Did I forget anything?
Or whatever.
She's a girl.
She could play it off.
If not, boom, dog.
I love all that.
Okay, I'm with you 100%.
That's the best theory so far.
Now, why does the dog or feds or deep state?
Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
They would do something.
They'd kill your dog.
But I don't get the wandering back.
How did that happen?
So we went looking for him until like 2 a.m.
I'm laying in bed writing the newsletter.
I have a weekly newsletter, kind of explaining myself.
And then I said a prayer and I was like, God, please bring Jerry back.
I'm sorry if I didn't appreciate him.
I know he's scared.
And then I was just laying in bed, not able to sleep.
And at 4 a.m., I just got up, went to the front door, looked out, didn't see anything, opened the door, didn't see anything, closed the door, flashed the front lights a couple times, and that left him dark.
And then 30 seconds later, he just kind of like hustled over.
So what's your theory on that?
I think the thieves stole him.
They realized how purebred and how good looking he was, how much of a champion that dog is.
They assumed he was GPS microchipped.
And he had a beeping collar, too, because I was hitting the button trying to see if I could hear it, knowing like he was in the neighborhood.
But you said he didn't have the collar on.
Well, he had a training collar that didn't have his info on it.
It was like the BuzzShot collar with a beeper.
So I was putting on high volume and hitting the beeper, trying to hear it even in someone's house.
So I think they heard it beeping and were like, dude, they're coming back.
Let's just bring this dog back and dump him off and Penny's lost.
Solved it.
Solved it.
They heard the beeping and they freaked out and assumed there was GPS.
I think you should go.
I think on her review, you should go, my dog got stolen right after she was here.
She could have nothing to do with it.
She could have something to do with it.
I'm just throwing it out there.
Three stars because I don't really know what happened.
Food delivery was great.
That's four stars.
If, however, she's responsible for my dog, that's going down to 0 stars.
Yeah.
So that's my best theory because the odds of a street rat, it's a nice neighborhood.
It's a cul-de-sac.
It's a dead end.
There's probably like two cars that go through anytime after 10 o'clock at night.
The odds of like a guy just like going like this and going, oh, like a puppy.
Let me walk up to the front door.
Oh, it's a good looking Ratweiler.
Hopefully no one's home taking no shot.
Dude, you got to get a Nest camera or a ring or ADT camera.
I've had all those.
My favorite is the Nest, and you can talk through it.
You can buy like 10 days of playback.
It's the best.
That's pretty good.
And every time you hear a creek, you just look at your phone and you can see like I have seven, but you hear a creak, you look at your phone, you can see 100% of your property.
Just boom.
Oh, that's good.
That's real good.
This is Florida, too, though.
You open the door, someone could just go.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, she's a desperate Chinese immigrant.
I think that's it.
Or maybe Thai.
But speaking of failures, before we let you go, we have to discuss this fucking video that is, it should be, Biden should have to do an address to the nation.
It's bad.
What word, what is Y E S?
What does that spell?
One of them doesn't know and the other says Wes.
The first girl didn't know and just deferred it away.
She's like, you do it.
And then she's like, oh, this isn't so hard.
Like, Wes?
You don't know what Y and W?
Like, that's where we're at.
These people don't know where on the planet they are.
They don't know what time they're in.
They don't know what century it is, what continent they're on.
One guy got stumped on what's Obama's last name.
Several got stumped on that.
Which is kind of like, that's like those things where the hypnotists can hypnotize you into forgetting whatever.
Yeah, and there's pressure there.
And there's, is it a trick question?
Like, is YES an acronym?
I don't know about.
Like, sometimes the question is so easy, you think it's a trick.
Like, YES, oh, is it the Youth Enrollment Society?
But like, name any continent.
There's no way that can be a trick.
One was, who do we get our independence from?
The guy said, Korea.
And then, who did we fight in the Civil War?
This is a black guy.
Who did we fight in the Civil War?
And he said, I don't know.
He brought in his friend to help.
And this friend said, the Japanese?
And it was like, and the guy goes, my reporter goes, yeah, how'd you know that?
That was a good guess.
Well, I think the reason he knew it was Korea is because if you ever meet someone who's like in their 80s or 90s, they still speak Korean because they go back to the Civil War we had with Korea, especially if they're like 240 years old.
You see like the statues and like the lingering culture, obviously.
Yeah.
The old signs that have that stupid language.
And like the gold orbs and like the, you know, the style is basically kind of like.
You see it in our cuisine, too.
That's why we still eat long dak chong on Thanksgiving.
It's like not even getting close to like, it's like you picked like the whole different race of people.
Like all, like, you just pick somewhere else.
God.
You know, I was watching that movie Mean Girls that Tina Fey wrote, you know, with Lindsay Lohan.
And she's ostracized in school because, I don't know, she was gossiping.
This is the gossip episode.
And the dad says, just focus on your studies for now and just accept that your social life is going to suck for a bit.
And that was whatever it was, the 80s, maybe early 90s, I don't know.
And I think that made sense back then.
Like, I think education, even in the early 90s, still had a semblance of something.
And if you went to School and studied, you'd know the Civil War, what century we're in, how to spell yes, basics like that.
I don't think that's true anymore.
So, like with my kids, I want them to read.
I want them to have a vocabulary.
I want to tell them the truth about the Tulsa, Oklahoma massacre, which was just a race riot that blacks started.
But I don't give a fuck about school because it doesn't teach shit anymore, obviously.
Yeah, I think all these kids, like, I guess they're just like on their phones and then like a test happens.
And then, like, all right, I copy off of him, who copies off of him, who copies off of him, and then like no one knows.
They're just moving the information around.
I know a teacher in the South Bronx, he can't fail people.
So he says, fine, I'll give them all a 60.
He types in 60.
The computer won't allow it.
He had to type in 74.
73 didn't work.
74, and then bloop, it goes through.
So kids who hadn't even been there that year were getting gangbangers who only come in for the free lunch, who he wouldn't recognize if he saw them.
They got a 74.
That used to happen to me in college.
I would not go to class so much that I knew if I eventually went, the teacher would be like, who's that guy?
So I had to stay till the end.
And then at the final, just take the final and turn it in and be like, yeah, like, you know, something happened to me this year.
Like, you know, it's been kind of wild.
My family died.
Yeah, something bad.
Oh, man.
I used to also in my senior year, I, week one, would tell every teacher, hey, just so you know, week six, I'm going to New York.
I have interviews.
I'm trying to get a job.
And they're like, oh, no worries.
Ain't you telling me now?
And then week six of the term, I would just take a staycation, miss all the midterms, find out what was on them.
And then like, just be hanging out on campus, not going to class, and just like have a perfect excuse.
I used to walk the dog, the frat dog, like it was the best.
And I'd come back and I'd have all the help I needed for the test.
You know what?
You got an A or whatever good grade you got, and you deserve it because you did the thing.
Like if this was business and you said, well, we wouldn't open for December and then when everyone was closed in January, we'd open.
You'd make money, right?
And that's kind of cheating.
So you still deserve, you got what you deserve.
And you learned something.
The crazy thing is one of those classes was math and I saved my math requirement until my senior year.
So I had the answers to the test and I still got like a 74 and I failed the first test.
So on the final, I had to write a long note to the professor.
Like, I already have a job.
Please don't fail me.
I can't, like, I can't mess this up.
Let me guess.
You got a 74.
Yeah, I got literally a perfect score.
I just played the victim.
One time, I don't even keep telling stories, but one time in class, I went to the teacher and I was just like, hey, can I take this test tomorrow?
And she's like, yeah, come back whenever.
I went to her office.
She gave me the test.
Let me go to the lunchroom.
And I took it there and did fine, you know?
You know what?
That's the thing about male models is everyone likes looking at them.
So you guys get this pampered life because you're so beautiful.
Yeah.
I used to tell the teachers, I'm like, hey, I'm a football player.
All these kids are so smart.
And I feel like I'm so dumb.
And they're like, oh, no, like try your best.
So, so easy.
And then you're just like, oh, that's a football player that tried his best.
He's doing his best.
I probably was like, I could have done, I could have got A's.
We got to get back to gossip.
This is not, we're just chatting now.
Goodbye.
Thank you for coming on the show.
Goodbye.
Sun came up, soft blue eyes, and the morning all so warm.
He's got a very healthy ego, Fleckus, there.
Did you notice that?
When I said, it's because you're a supermodel.
He's like, yeah.
Didn't even get...
Yeah, that's not a joke.
Sarcasm, dude.
You're a fucking ugly fat piece of shit.
You meet the president and you'd think you're hot.
Yeah, he is attractive.
In fact, if I was a homo or a chick, that's the kind of guy I'd want plowing into me.
That's a total bear.
I've said this before.
I would like to, I assume women want to be taken.
Right.
That's why Tony Soprano had that appeal.
You wouldn't believe how many girls asked me if I could hook them up with Artie Lang.
Wow.
They don't want Beckham.
They don't want a six-pack.
They want strength.
They want to be mauled by a bear.
Bears.
Yeah, that's true.
You like feminine women as a man.
And when you're a woman, you'd like...
Yeah, well, that's what attraction is based on.
Differences.
Opposites.
That's why we like long hair on women, because women can grow hair longer than us.
True.
That's why we like high heels because it makes them look fragile and they're weaker than us.
We exaggerate that.
It also puts their ass on a pedestal, pushes it out.
They have bigger, fatter asses than ours, and we like that too.
Dream come true picture right here.
Don't you wish, Gavin?
What?
I've been a bad doggie.
I ran away with the Chinese lady.
I need a spanking.
Can you put peanut butter on your balls?
You know what?
I'm not even hungry.
Skip the peanut butter.
Also in the news, 1-8, we're done our dog segment now.
The guy who hired himself to take over Jeopardy.
Now, his excuse is, I couldn't find anyone.
COVID.
So I have to be the host.
The show must go on.
I have a feeling lots of people wouldn't mind, aren't worried, so worried about COVID that they won't take on the most popular game show in the world, which apparently is the sweetest plum in Showbiz.
Because you shoot like a year in a week and sit on your ass.
So anyway, he makes himself the host, and then it comes out that he said he used to do a show called Niggers Are Lazy, NAL.
And he said, most women, if they're honest with themselves, want to get raped, especially in the ass.
And he also said, Jews are ruining the world because they control it like puppeteers.
And he said that on the NAL show.
So he's been asked to step down.
With good reason, too.
Those are hateful, horrible things to say.
They're false, clearly.
And, oh, wait, no.
He didn't say that.
You want to know his horrible, hateful remarks?
Yes.
During this segment, he's saying to his female co-star, she used to work at like conventions at the booth, Whether it was a fashion convention, this clothing booth, or like a car convention, she'd stand by the car and go, This is the Toyota Trousseau, right?
She was discussing working as a model at the annual CES Tech Show event in Las Vegas when Richards dubbed her a quote-unquote booth hoe and then a booth slut and even a boothstitute.
That's called a nerd trying to be funny and riffing with his friend.
That's sexism.
What?
World?
And by the way, I knew when I saw this headline, I knew that the thing he said was going to be fucking ridiculous.
In 2014, okay, seven years ago, he responded to a remark about big noses saying, Ixne on the Ozne.
She's not an UJ.
So he made a big note, and Jews do tend to have bigger noses.
And he's making that observation in a funny way.
But the Anti-Defamation League said it's a pathway to anti-Semitism.
Any kind of Jew nose thing is a pathway.
Hey, dummies at the ADL, you know what you're doing?
You're making people hate Jews.
You're creating hate where there is none.
This is going to create anti-Semitism.
You made them look like a bunch of humorless shitheads who get people canceled for no reason.
That's not a good look.
That's a pathway to anti-Semitism.
Yeah.
The ADL is a pathway to anti-Semitism.
People, Jeopardy fans who were enjoying him, who have never thought of Jews, they live in the Midwest, they don't know any.
They go, oh, Jews, yeah, those ones that bitch and complain and get everyone fired.
Like, if I was Jewish, I'd be going, can you fucking stop, please?
Pop quiz?
Like Jason Riley has that book, Please Stop Helping Us.
Who just got these matching coffee cup tattoos?
You only have to name one.
See that boyish arm?
I give up.
Elliot Page.
Oh.
And they said...
Look at those guys.
Somebody stop us from getting more because we're about to be covered.
That's such a chick tattoo.
It absolutely is.
Isn't it?
The thin little, like, they love just like...
I want a tattoo, but I kind of don't.
Yeah, they love that little...
Because they love children genetically.
So they like things that are like little kiddie drawings.
Utsy Wootsy.
Little doodles.
They love little tiny, unthreatening doodles.
You know what guys get?
They get Mickey Mouse smoking a joint, and the smoke from the joint says Slayer in it.
That is fucking badass.
Or they get like El Duce riding a dolphin on a rainbow.
They don't get coffee cups.
You're a chick, Elliot.
You're a crybaby girl who cut her tits off to stay in the limelight because you got drunk with attention when you did staycation and saw true homophobia around the world.
You came back.
There was no homophobia.
No one was paying any attention to you.
So you cut your fucking tits off.
Talk about an attention whore.
By the way, the clip of the day is reacting to that E-Y-E-S.
And then attach it to Fleckis and I talking about it.
So that's going to take some heavy editing.
While you talk about it, I'll just do that whole flat, like, boop, and then you show the clip and then come back to you guys.
Angelina Jolie, I don't mind jump cuts in the clip of the day.
Angelina Jolie has one post on Instagram.
She just joined.
And it says, I want to fuck Gavin McInnes.
Is he available?
No, I am not.
So she took down that post.
Oh.
And she put up a letter from an Afghan girl.
Now, this summarizes Hollywood beautifully.
She put in a picture of the letter and that's artsy fartsy that she had a graphic designer do so that she's got staff, right?
Then in the caption where she could have transcribed the letter, she wrote about herself and said that I was there before 9-11 and these women are getting abused.
And believe it or not, the Middle East is sexist.
Who knew?
I thought it was where feminists go to party.
I saw sex in a city.
They went to Morocco.
So to read the actual girl's letter, you've got to click on that second thing and then like zoom in and fucking, I'm a young girl, I live in Afghanistan before the Taliban came in.
We could go to work, do.
We were able to have rights freely.
But when they came, we are all afraid of them and we think all of our whats customs are gone.
We think our rights, we cannot go out.
Yeah, I know.
Every time I read about like that, even that woman who had her eyeballs cut out with a knife, I was like, yeah, duh.
It's the cave days.
Wait, go back up again.
We think our rights studying.
Some people say, I can't read this because it's behind the camera and my eyes are shitty.
Let's see.
Say it.
But start with, but some people.
But some people say the Talibans changed, but I don't think so because they have a very bad past.
One day they came to our house and we were all scared.
After that day, I thought a lot about what kind of time I should go to school in the morning.
This is a boring letter.
Like, you know what would be a better first post, Angeline and Jolie?
That woman with no eyes.
Retarded.
Too bad we can't talk about real shit on the celebrity episode.
I like the fact that Biden is so desperate to distract from his incompetence in Afghanistan that he's having the feds or someone up top, but Biden's too dumb for this, is having the feds plant domestic terrorists everywhere.
I'm sorry, but that guy is a fed.
2-1?
Ron Coleman pointed this out.
He said, so first he shows a picture of a bunch of feds on a truck who were, What are they doing?
Oh, wow.
FBI agents dressed in full combat gear drive through after a car chase that reportedly began when a woman tried to drive through a barrier at the White House and it was a car crash and shots.
The guy in the truck looks a hell of a lot like the guy who was in another truck.
Yeah.
He was in a black truck that had no license plate.
He claimed he had a big thing of explosives and he was going to kill people.
I don't think that's the same guy, but I like this train of thought.
And I think something is fucking going on.
Because the story's already dead.
It did work as a distraction.
He was such a stereotype.
And I'm not great with southern accents, but I'm told that his accent sucked.
And it sounded like a shitty actor doing a southern accent.
Maybe some of our southern baby monsters can help us out with that.
See if you can find him actually talking.
It was a cover of the Daily Mail yesterday.
And he said he had a, what's it called?
Mennonite, runnite, runnite.
Mennonite.
What?
Tannerite.
Tannerite.
He used to shoot that in the backyard with Carol Besket's face.
So he said the whole back toolbox is full of it, which sounds pretty dangerous to be driving with, going over bumps.
Oh, Jesus.
But he said, you shoot me, that's going to blow up, take out two city blocks.
I'm from the South.
I want to talk to Joe Biden.
And he throws a bunch of money out onto the street.
And then he just calmly gives himself up for arrest.
And here's what really pushed me over the edge on this theory, this conspiracy theory.
There was bomb scares in pretty much every major city at the exact same time yesterday.
What?
Yeah, let's hear him.
Tune in, Southern Baby Monsters.
Fucking people think it's a joke, but they cleared the block.
I didn't call 911 three times.
They need to get Joe Biden on here because this baby...
Turn it up.
It's awful.
I'm not hurting nobody, Joe.
I'm not pulling the trigger on this thing.
I can't.
There's no way for me to blow this up.
Only you can by shooting a bullet through my window.
Can we speak to his mother?
Can we speak to his neighbors?
Can we speak to people in his community who remember him?
The guys who went to Fed school with?
Yeah, but go to 2-2.
This should really get you on the Alex Jones bandwagon with me.
Breaking.
Bomb reported in Miami.
Miami Beach Police Department responding to the scene.
423-819-21.
Next.
Oh, shock.
We don't have the date on this one.
Times Square in New York City evacuated due to suspicious package.
Bomb squad on the scene.
I remember when that happened.
It was yesterday at approximately 6 or 7 o'clock.
Man in pickup, U.S. Capitol.
That's the guy we just saw.
Cletus Cater.
Cater?
What's up, guys?
I got a bunch of tater out in my car.
I'm about to blow it up.
Computer, stop.
That was weird.
Yeah.
Right when we're discussing conspiracy theories?
I don't even remember you saying Cletus.
I mean, computer.
You know, it would be funny if the feds who were bugging us are in the van outside and they just went, fucking shit.
And they hit the fucking Alexa button.
Some younger fed just got swatted in the back of the head.
The fuck are you doing?
The Alexa just went off.
Amazon Cletus.
Hey, Cletus, please set my schedule.
FBI recording, part six.
Honeypot engaged.
Boogaloo commencing.
The Bay Bridge is blocked.
This was yesterday at the same time.
Take BART as an alternative.
Our tube can carry, blah, blah, blah.
We'll have trains over 15 minutes.
Plenty of parking.
A car burst into flames.
On the BART app.
So where you go on there and it's like, hey, cool it, dude.
Here's a weird one.
So OnlyFans, this is the last piece of news we'll do before we get to the mailbag.
OnlyFans stop doing porn.
And they go, it's Bella Thorne's fault, fucking bitch.
By the way, Bella Thorne, these women are just, they sell their sexuality to the point where it's just, you're just so fucking turned off that it's educational because you get to see how gays see women.
Like Bella Thorne has this video where she's like, I'm Bella Thorne, bitch.
I'm fucking Bella Thorne.
And she's wearing those stupid slippers and sweatpants.
See if you can dig this up.
And she's going to Bodega to buy some shit and she's rapping.
I don't know why you weren't looking it up when I started talking about it.
I am, but she's got a couple of things.
I'm Bella Thorne.
And you're just looking at it going, what have we done to our woman?
This is painfully sad.
Umbella Thorne, bitch.
Umbella Bella Thorne.
Slobby, slutty, hoary.
Like, you know, women's chastity has currency.
It's a bag of gold.
And if you're a virgin, you have a full bag of gold and you're very attractive to us.
But when you just throw it all around, you're just an empty purse.
You look like a scroll sack.
Yeah, there it is.
Look at that.
Kesha did that too.
They like showing their feet to show that they're trash or something.
See me on TV a million times before.
And it's not a cussing sound, can't afford.
I've got a list, but I got afford.
I got some dramas to open my door.
It's funny, like, poor rappers brag about their money because they made a bunch of money dealing Drugs, and they're saying to their other people in the neighborhood, I'm one of the rich guys in the neighborhood because I sold all these drugs.
So you get that concept.
But this is a child actress who made a bunch of money because her parents are shitty and she's bragging about how rich she is.
That's different.
That's like someone in finance bragging about how rich they are.
Sam, most embarrassing.
It's like Jeff Bezos doing a video flexing.
I'm going out of space.
I'm a billionaire, bitch.
This sounds exactly like Sam Roberts when he was a kid.
He made like a rap song.
Listen to the beat.
You still leave.
I don't hear anything.
You're moving too fast.
Honestly, this June is in concert.
What were you singing about there?
I don't know.
This is a great thing.
It's a long clip.
You can tell he grew his fro out like that because he's hoping some people would think he was black.
If America's racist, why did every kid I know in the 90s wish he was black?
Anyway, so get this logic.
Bella Thorne ruined OnlyFans.
You know why?
Because she made like a million dollars.
Go back to that article.
She made a million dollars or whatever she did in a day, but she didn't show her pussy or anything.
She just showed like a thong.
So the logic, if you can handle this, the logic is she showed OnlyFans you can still make tons of money without being explicit.
So now they're not explicit anymore.
That's retarded on 72 levels.
The reason they're not showing porn anymore is one, because they realized they were a brothel that was corrupting an entire generation of women.
And the payment processors were saying, we don't want to be part of destroying 50% of the American population, basically, destroying the whole concept of a woman.
That's such a huge win.
Such a big turn to Christ, possibly.
It just, and they called them sex workers, like they were working.
It was so profoundly sad and disgusting that they were just emptying all these women's gold change purses and turning them into drain sacks.
Yeah, and it's just, it's she's Christian, by the way.
Oh, really?
Yeah, go to the top ones?
No, no, no, no, not the literal top.
Back to that list.
Oh, okay.
It's the most successful people on OnlyFans.
Women.
Isn't Jacob Wall on OnlyFans?
Yes, he's going to be very upset.
Blow that up a bit.
Black China?
China?
Black China, that's Rob Kardashian's bitch.
She's a five.
Bella Thorne, who we just saw, looks like she's a thought.
She's your friend's girlfriend when your friend is going through a severe pot addiction and he's just dating a chick because she was his neighbor.
You know what I mean?
Dude, you two are gross.
Holy place is a shithole.
Wait, this might be...
Okay, so you got all these famous ass bitches on here doing shit, right?
Yeah.
They don't want to get naked because that's their whole...
Now they're naked, right?
It means too much to be naked.
But all these little bitches who are nobodies are taking all their money.
And if you combine all these naked bitches who would not get attention if they weren't naked and you dissolve them, now that money actually goes to people who are famous.
That's a theory.
Okay, it's not great.
But I just told you why.
Because the payment processors said we don't want to be funding this anymore.
So there's no need to come to attack it, Detective Shitty.
It's been solved.
So you're wrong, and the Bella Thorne thing is wrong.
It's been solved.
Fucking payment processors don't want to go near censor.tv, let alone 13-year-old girls showing their tits to fucking pedophiles.
Look at Latmia Khalifa.
She was that porn star, that Indian or Pakistani, whatever porn star, who is really pissed off because I only did porn for a year and I'm known as a porn star.
Well, you're selling titpics right now, my dear.
About six million.
But look at Black China.
Why are you showing me this?
I'm looking up on the other computer, but this is great gossip.
No, it's not.
Black China.
I bet if you'll find a picture without makeup and not all done up, you'll puke.
No, don't go to her own Instagram where she's okaying every picture.
Black China is number one?
Look at her.
She's a hideous toad.
She looks like Pepe.
She looks like the female gremlin.
She really does.
She is a four.
Why are they all trying to look like Nicki Minaj, basically?
Just like weird cheekbones.
That's not good.
Unless they say it's good.
I don't like looking at pictures.
I couldn't imagine paying for this torture.
It's painful.
Who else is on the list?
Go back to the list.
I thought there was a real housewife who was on it.
Cardi B. Cardi B's a perfect example, too.
I actually put that in there.
Go to 2-4.
She's a perfect example of how gays see women.
When I look at her, I am homosexual.
Like, she is so powerfully unattractive, and it's because she's such a shameless whore.
Not safe for work?
Oh, yeah, not safe for work coming up.
No, that's very not safe for work.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Look at that.
What the fuck?
Look at those nipples.
It looked like God barfed them onto her tits.
Looks like a serial killer, like, killed a woman and, like, tried to prop her up to make her look alive.
I'm alive.
Ugh.
Like, look at her laughing about her being nude.
It's just like, I have zero worth.
I'm garbage.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and for some reason, like, her tits with her body, it feels like dude parts that I don't feel like.
Well, the first one with the terrible nipples, that was real.
And then now that's all her fake tits.
But like, it just, she looks like a kidnapping victim that's been locked up in a basement for so long.
She has the Stockholm syndrome.
I guess that's kind of what happened.
Like, just, it's almost like she's trans, like a dude became a woman, and now she's treating sex the way a dude would.
Yeah, because this body up here is like, it's like a pretty cut dude who happened to have gotten tits.
She's so masculine and shameless.
All right, let's get to the mailbag and try to cleanse our palate from that disgusting filth.
Barking at the bag.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
What are you barking at, Wilson?
I'm going to call him Wilson from now on.
He's not going to like that.
By the way, really good news on the January 6th meandering.
Big article came out.
My stupid computer's crashing.
That said the FBI has discovered this scant evidence that this thing was planned.
And it was just a bunch of pissed-off...
I'm not going to call them assholes.
A bunch of pissed-off blue-collar guys who did something stupid spontaneously.
FBI finds scant evidence U.S. Capitol attack was coordinated.
So it's looking like a bunch of trespassing and vandalism charges and time served.
They should sue.
You've been in the shoe for six months because you trespassed and you had an illegal selfie?
That's fucking insane.
An unpermitted tour.
You know, I was talking about how racism doesn't exist and all that the other day.
I want to be clear.
There is fascism and racism and all that in this country.
It's just not the one they talk about on TV.
You know, Asians can't get into good schools.
You see the way white males are treated and depicted in commercials.
So there's plenty of that.
But obviously, when I talk about racism, I'm talking about the Black Lives Matter bullshit.
Yeah, it was Oregon County.
Black people don't have to wear masks for the mandatory mask.
Yeah, we talked about that, didn't we?
Yeah, but I forgot which city it was.
New York City has taken a customer service approach to dealing with deviancy.
When will New York City stop coddling violent deviants who menace Gothamites?
Yeah, they're just getting let out.
This is from Sammy.
Hey guys, it looks like they might even be censoring dating apps now.
I tried putting not a COVID Nazi in my profile and got a warning saying there's no one in my area.
I took that out and there's hundreds of people in my area again.
This is Canada.
You should check with your bar friends to see if they're doing it in the U.S. too.
That's a fun experiment.
Folks at home, say you're not a COVID.
Oh, dude, it might be the word Nazi though.
Yeah, that's a pretty harsh one.
I bet if you have the word Nazi, white power, anything, even if you say, I don't like white power.
What about Punch a Nazi?
Yeah.
Try that.
I bet Punch a Nazi would get you deleted.
Not because they don't want to punch Nazis, but because that word is just like an instant blip.
But see in your dating app if you could put in like not a COVID denier.
Yeah.
What would be a good one?
Not wearing a mask or not a big mask guy.
Yeah.
Put in not a big mask guy and see if that fucks up your dating.
Fuck Antifa.
Did you ever use dating apps?
No.
I find that so weird.
We did a prank thing on Pod Awful where we pretended we were women.
Let's see you when you're talking, please.
But that's the only time.
I pretended I was a woman.
That caller who called in a few weeks ago and said it's gay, it is gay.
Like hooking up with women at 11 p.m. to Netflix and chill, which just means come over and blow me, that's gay.
It's what homosexuals do.
And it makes them dumb, as we've seen.
There's a level of trying you shouldn't have to do.
And that, you know, dating apps make you try too hard, I think.
Hey, Gavin, some of my fellow...
Wait, what?
They make you try too hard?
They don't make you try enough.
Well, the messaging thing is that I consider that trying, like, you know.
No, trying is going to a bar, buying a drink, trying to be funny, talking to her, stopping your connection.
Then you got to get her into the taxi to your house.
Then you've got to get her pants off.
There's like several levels.
That's good trying, but it's not like trying to organize an event.
Like, all right, we'll meet here or whatever.
I don't like texting at all.
And so that for me is work.
But if work to you is going to a bar, then Tinder is the right thing for you.
But you shouldn't have to.
Once again, total garbage comes out of your mouth.
Internet dating is not trying.
For the record, folks.
Don't listen to anything Ryan says.
Hey, Gavin, some of my fellow listeners have gotten together and agreed that Baby Monsters is a nickname is highly cringe-inducing.
Correct.
I have a feeling if you commissioned a poll of your listeners, you would get near unanimous agreement.
I don't care.
Geesh.
Another Sammy.
Afghan butt play has been topical lately, so I wanted to send this your way.
In 2012, a journalist that was embedded with my team produced a documentary on the comedy that is Afghan forces and our effort to bring democracy to the Stone Age.
Vice picked it up, interestingly enough.
This is the trailer for that documentary.
Fast forward to about one minute in, and you'll see the police chief give a brief summation of the average Afghan mentality.
This is weird watching Vice.
I can't hear him.
Spectacular corruption.
Child abduction, rape, and murder.
A PB commander who we know is kidnapping boys and sexually molesting them.
Is that the ultimate?
Yeah, we do all the weapons.
One of the only times the New York Times did good journalism is when they talked about the boy rape that goes on on American bases.
We've already showed that, haven't we?
That's a much better one.
This one?
No.
We didn't show this one.
Print it up.
McJeep doesn't have a rifle.
No.
You're not ready.
You don't have a helmet on.
McJeef doesn't have a rifle right now.
How is he ready?
This is like having 26 kids that I have to watch after.
It really is.
Shut up.
Ready would be on the road, staged, ready to move at 8:30.
I think if they introduced drug testing to the Afghan army, we would lose probably three-quarters to maybe 80 to 85% of the army.
Don't you dare it requires telling them almost 30 times.
Don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this.
Come on, let's go.
Building up Afghanistan's army is one of the mainstays of the U.S. exit strategy from this war.
It now stands at around 80,000 soldiers.
But President Obama recently announced he wants to triple that number.
Which can't be helping the Roman colours.
Hey, Gav and Moron.
This one's called 10 question mark.
Listening to the show with Maddie, and I challenge you to rate this chick under a 10.
I will accept your challenge, and I'm out.
She's a 10.
That first pick, I would only give her a 9.8.
Just to nag her?
What would she give me?
I do not see what you're talking about.
I would go up to her.
I want you to know you're not even a 10.
You're a 9.8 in some photos.
Okay, you are a 2.
What are you talking about?
I have those cone type of balloon.
You look like a homeless Santa.
I fuck billionaire male model soccer players.
Remember the tits that you thought were extinct from the 80s?
Those really 2-B tits?
And I have them in the middle of the day.
I have the tits that women who have fake tits are trying to emulate.
Hey, gays, I'm convinced that Jesse Lee Peterson is the hardest human on the planet to imitate.
I've tried doing it and seen others try on the internet.
It never works out.
If Ryan can do a good JLP impression, I'll send him $50.
Doesn't have to be today.
He can have time to practice.
Well, due to the, so there was a special thing in California.
Can I hear him first?
Yeah, you sound like Mike Tyson.
Yeah.
I'll forward you this so you remember, because it could be an easy 50 bucks.
He talks like he has chewing tobacco in his mouth.
I'm chewing tobacco over and over and over again.
And over and over.
He talks a little bit like he's deaf.
Like his nose doesn't work.
He had that death talk, like Blair.
He had Blair talking.
Remember that the life where the cousin was handicapped and she said Blair?
Yeah.
That's it.
I'm not disparaging him, by the way.
I love this guy.
Great guy.
I love being on his show.
One of the best.
So much in counseling.
So much.
And I counsel with men around the world.
And comes with men around the world.
You know, when you go to Wendy's and they have Wendy a little more.
It kind of talks like you're trying to get someone to talk after they've been crying and you go, calm down, calm down.
What happened?
Stop it.
My house.
Stop.
Shut up.
Anyway.
You have to control your dog.
You can't let your dog control you.
Otherwise, you look like a bitch, buddy.
I don't think I earned $50.
I don't think you're getting $50 for that.
It's pretty insulting, actually.
I like the guy a lot.
Fuck.
Hey, Gavin Rye.
Tell your dog to shut up.
He's barking at the neighbors and not people at the front door like he should be.
Obviously, you're going to have neighbors, and you're probably getting on their nerves by having your dog at the studio, and they're going to make you not have him there anymore if you don't shut that stupid dog up.
Interesting letter, and I agree.
Hey, Gavin Rye, I try to keep out the show as much as possible, but sometimes they fall behind.
So if you cover this, I'll graciously accept the title of Retarded Faggot.
Have you ever watched Rough and Rowdy from Barstool Dudes?
It's fucking great.
It is great.
I mean, as a boxing fan, it's pretty hard to watch.
It's probably like a classical penis watching 70s punk bands.
But not that I'm a great boxer, but I love watching great boxing.
But it does look pretty awesome.
Dave Portnoy's fucking God.
I'm sad he's divorced.
Wish he had kids.
But it's rednecks.
Now, I always said that this should be narrated by Bob Mennery.
Oh, yes.
Remember?
That's a perfect idea.
Is he on bar?
Without exception, every amateur fight has the same problem.
Flailing clotheslines.
None of them keep their arms in.
The women on these things are insane.
Southern Bells.
Unbeatable.
They do have good commentary, though.
Like, the guys right now will be talking about her ass.
She's only a six?
That's crazy.
That's how hot girls are in the south.
I'm a southern six.
That means she just makes biscuits all shitty.
Oh, I love when the asses wobble like that.
That happens after 30.
That's a good style.
She's probably nearly 20, so.
Okay, let's see.
Wait, let's see more.
Get back on that.
So their next big fight, I believe, is August 27th.
And yes, I have not mentioned Rough and Rowdy.
You know what we should do?
What?
Let's do a live broadcast.
What do you mean?
Live stream.
Oh, it's covering that fight?
Yeah.
Dope.
That's a week today.
A week from today.
I'm putting that into the calendar.
RNR.
Yeah, let's do a live broadcast with Maddie.
Maybe we'll get Uncle Eddie back and watch the rough and rowdy.
I wonder if we'll get shit for that.
Oh, no, her opponent is part of the wolfback.
I just realized I got turned on by bad twerking.
Oh, maybe we'll have to show it later.
Look at these punches.
He just punched his punch.
It's just, you know, that game where you hit the ball and it goes around the pole.
That's what their arms are.
It's like they're on, they're using them as maces, like the knights would.
They both fall down at the same time.
They're making good punches.
He's not even looking with their forearms.
Watch out for his bicep punch.
Everything is an overhand right and an overhand left, if there is such a thing as an overhand left.
What are the rounds three seconds long?
Well, they take a break every fucking five seconds.
They keep gassing out because they're out of shape.
Look at that.
No punches.
Wait, are they drunk?
No.
I don't know, maybe.
It's like they're both blindfolded.
Have you been repeating anything or is this different moments?
I'm just cutting around.
Okay, so you've never shown the same clip twice?
I don't believe I have.
Does it look exactly the same?
These guys have never been in the ring before.
I promise you, they've had zero training.
How do you judge?
How do you judge that?
Who fell down the least?
Oh, I know.
They do the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method.
Who fell down last?
They asked them, who do you think won?
I guess he did.
Me?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
This guy wants us to use the word Finnean, F-E-N-I-A-N, a member of the Irish Republican Brotherhood, a 19th century revolutionary nationalist organization among the Irish in the U.S. and Ireland.
The Finneans staged an unsuccessful revolt in Ireland in 1867.
Remember, the 19th century is in the 1800s.
We are in the 21st century.
Correct.
I'm responsible for isolated revolutionary acts against the British until the early 20th century when they were gradually eclipt by the IRA.
It's also a derogatory term for anyone Catholic or of Irish descent or a Celtic supporter here in Scotland.
Meant to write this earlier.
I really want to say cheers to Ryan.
Cool.
A letter from Scotland.
Thanks.
And let's end with...
Cheers.
Makeup is a cheat cheat code.
We're watching your computer there, Smart Man.
We've all seen these videos before where a woman starts out or she starts out ugly and then puts on makeup and you realize the difference.
This one's in reverse.
Ryan's going to be pulling it up at some point.
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
This video I watched, I screened the letters today.
This is the biggest change I've seen from makeup to no makeup.
What would you say that is?
Like high sevens, low eights.
I was going to say high eights.
I think she's an...
Well, I'll take yours into consideration.
You're influencing me now.
I'm going to go down to 8.7.
Maybe mine was tainted knowing that she's going to be.
What's that ring thing in the corner there?
Spread the word?
Oh, yeah.
No hymen, no ring.
No hyman, no ring.
Pretty based.
Pretty based.
Okay.
So let's see it.
So I guess that's makeup remover.
She looks like she's 22?
A 22-year-old 8.8.
Oh, so now...
Wait, she's gray underneath?
Still looking pretty good.
Scrubbing.
This might be a trick.
Because she's so ugly at the end, it feels like it's a scam.
What?
No, yeah.
It's a joke, right?
Is that a trick?
Is that a filter?
That's gotta be a trick, yeah.
The mummy from the movie The Mummy has damn come out to play.
That can't be real.
Because that is of attractive and healthy 80-year-old.
No, you can see there's gotta be a cut somewhere there.
Yeah, that's what it is.
Wait, go back to the end?
This is very final video-esque.
Yeah, the hairline's different.
But go like a frame before that.
It could have been an earlier frame that the switcheroo happened.
Wait, what was that?
Well, that's the problem with sped-up photography.
It's easy to hide a jump cut.
She looks great there.
She looks good there.
Looks pretty bad there.
Yeah, it's tough.
I think it happens right in the beginning.
It's fake.
Sorry to waste your time with a fake video, guys.
Let's get to the final vid.
Which is real and not fake.
Which will be real.
That was weird.
Yeah.
I'm going to make sure that door's locked.
I think he's barking at the bumpers, too.
Because maybe he doesn't like them.
Oh, shoot.
What the fuck happened?
Just stood on some headphones.
Oh, shit.
Here is the...
We talked about the narrative, the one-drop bullshit a couple days ago, and how this myth that cops are terrorizing black people is for low IQ people.
Women are especially susceptible to it because they're so agreeable.
And they're just like, not only are cops attacking innocent black men, but I'm going to stop it because I can beat up cops and I'm going to use my phone.
So this dude is getting pulled over guaranteed.
It's for a legit thing.
He went through a stop sign.
He's missing.
Like in War on Cops, Heather McDonald talks about blacks And traffic stops, and how, yes, they do get pulled over more than other groups because they violate driving laws more than other groups.
And inevitably, when you study these things, you discover that when you look at how much they commit that crime, it ends up that they are stopped less proportionately than they do the crime.
Like when Bloomberg, I'm so glad we're not doing celebrity shit anymore.
I can actually talk about stuff that matters.
We're never doing that again, by the way.
Oh, man.
Why?
Did you like it?
Yeah, fun little gossip here and there.
I had some gossip, but I was like, I'll wait till next Friday.
Oh.
What's your favorite thing that Haley Steinfeld ever did?
Oh, gosh.
Where do I say that?
Or Zoe Duth.
Yeah, I don't know who these nobodies are.
But Bloomberg, and this was back when he was brave, before he did that moms against guns shit.
And he said, sorry, cops actually stop blacks with stop and frisk less than they're represented in the crime stats.
So if you look at the raw gross numbers, then yeah, more blacks get stopped than whites.
But when you look at who does the crimes, more whites are stopped than blacks.
Blacks and Hispanics, this was a shocking stat that's in that book.
Cannot recommend it enough, by the way, the Warren Cops.
99% of the murders in New York are committed by black and Hispanics.
You don't often hear that number 99.
It's usually on a condom or something so they don't get sued.
This works 99% of the time.
Then they can't.
It's really 100 if it's used correctly, but they don't want to get in shit.
I want cops to drive around with that book and force people to read it at a gunpoint.
See Mob and Shiz, 13 gang members arrested, the Chico gang?
No?
Is that a New York gang?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was in Harlem.
They made a big bust, and yeah, they got...
Dude, from 15 to 21, that was the age range.
And they had killed, you know, fucking tons of people.
I think 20 deaths they were responsible for, something like that.
They are believed to be responsible for at least 20 shootings, and some of their victims are innocent bystanders.
She's here in the studio with more on that.
Allie?
Christine and Ziggler.
We were there this morning when police arrested five alleged gang members, all of them between 15 and 21 years old.
This is a 13-man indictment charging a years-long conspiracy.
And as a result of this takedown, police were able to take 17 guns off the street.
Legal guns, huh?
They got to tighten up those laws.
It's 5 a.m. in Harvard.
She didn't say legal.
No.
Oh, what a cool shirt.
Yeah, gang squad.
Dear cops.
Can you sneak me one of those shirts?
I'm a large.
I need that.
Why don't I ask my cop friends?
Oh, my God.
I'm going to text them right now.
Can I have a gang squad shirt?
Hi, I know you're busy, but I really like your.
I got a shirt from the...
They call it the worst precinct just down the street here.
Yeah, I don't think it'll be more popular walking down the street.
No, they call it the Alamo.
Yeah, they call it the Alamo.
And he got me the shirt after I begged him for it, and he got it for me on my birthday.
And I was like, thanks.
I put it on.
It's a night dress.
I look like Ebenezer Scrooge.
I just need a little hat and a candle.
It goes down to like my knees.
Here's the Alamo nightcap.
I'm like, actually, I'm not a triple XL, but thanks.
I gave it to my daughter as a dress to sleep in.
Wow.
Anyway, so that's a long way to say, look at this stupid bitch ruining the country with her gayness.
All those gang members will be back on the streets tonight.
I saw three cops surrounding this young black man.
Hold on, hold on.
Just like, look at that idiotic sentence.
It's just a given that if you see cops around a black man, you're witnessing a racist event surrounding this young black man.
Just stop.
Stop again.
Look at this young black man.
Doesn't she sound like she's describing a majestic beast in the jungle?
I love a young black man.
I want to collect them.
Maybe she could have a little zoo in her backyard where the young black men would work out and hunt their prey and she could watch their muscles glisten in the dusk lighting.
And this is like an evil villain poacher guy.
That's a racist.
He has like their heads on his walls.
Meanwhile, these poor cops are like, this bitch, whether I'm right or wrong, is going to get me fired or in trouble because he knows his bosses won't hesitate to throw him under the bus.
So if the bosses are slightly embarrassed by this video, he's fucked and he knows it.
So this dumb bitch is just ruining America.
This mentality is ruining America.
You're driving a motor vehicle.
I know what I'm doing.
I got it too.
Meanwhile, they're like, okay, we just need to see your papers.
You went through a stop sign.
I stopped and asked if he needed help, and he said yes.
Yeah, might as well.
Okay, I can write you a citation now.
Sure, I didn't want you to make cops feel uncomfortable.
Want to give me a ticket?
I need your ID to write that.
Dude, you're 50 years old.
Why are you still a cop?
Dude, retired 10 years ago.
What's that citation for?
Working in Wiggily.
Do you see how it was just moved?
Do you see how it was just moved and have the little lights on?
Flashers.
Yeah, but you were the one who was.
I'm a mother.
I want to make sure this young man goes home tonight.
What the fuck is with that sentence?
I'm a mother.
So I'm somehow more caring than you.
I want justice more than you because I make these things, these humans that you see.
And us humans want these kids to go home at night.
I have it on my channel.
Let's go for you.
And look how nice they're being to him, too.
Hey, man.
Okay.
Well, just don't go through any stop signs again.
They're smiling with each other?
Yeah.
Is she smiling?
It's some old lady, too.
What is this?
The seniors police force?
Maybe.
Is that?
I don't know.
I guess I only know New York cops.
In New York, 20 years, you're good.
Leave.
Some nuts go to 30.
This woman looks like she's been there for fucking 40 years.
I'm pulling you over for not washing behind your ears.
Yeah, we took you over because you were going 15 miles an hour.
That's two hours fast.
Look, he looks like he's in big trouble.
What a fucking bitch, huh?
Put your nooses away.
We got a Karen on the scene.
Like, that's a boomer-angry woman liberal, and I fucking hate their guts.
She's just like, oh my God.
She slowed down, driving the other way, right?
Do you need help?
He's like, yeah.
If you can get me out of this ticket, maybe you thought she was a cop and she was going to get him out of his ticket.
Parks gets over there.
Not on my watch, folks.
She was doing vertical, right?
Not on my watch.
All right, let's cleanse our pallets with a fun fight I saw on the highway.
It was actually, this is a much better fight than Backyard Brawlers.
Much better fight than we'll be seeing on August 27th.
Look at this.
He's changing his levels.
He's got his, the bald guy's got his hands on the inside.
Look, look.
Slipping.
This is on Hawaiian the freeway.
Moving, changing his levels.
The other guy's got his hands up.
He's looking for a right pome to strike.
And look, this is weird.
He gets his hat, and then I think he spits on his head.
Because he cleaned something off his head.
Then he goes, I got to put my hat away and take my shoes off.
Are you so broke that your hat is the most important thing to you?
Aren't they like 30 bucks, those hats?
So look, I think he might be a little concussed because he keeps banging into that car.
But that was a pretty good fight, don't you think?
Anyway, folks, even studying celebrities, we can see the trouble with society.
And the trouble with society is, among other things, this false narrative has changed what women are and how they present themselves.
And I'm not a fan.
I'm not a fan of what we've done to our women.
They've got to stop slutting around, the younger ones.
And the older ones, they need to stop thinking that they run the world.
Be cute old ladies, please.
We like to better that way.
And until I see you again on Monday, get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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