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Aug. 2, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:10:05
FROM THE MAILBAG 3
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Time Text
I'm from New York!
My wife knew I was going to propose to her because on the way to the Eiffel Tower, I was playing air drums to this music, and I go, I was frantic.
And I go, you like that?
You like the air drums?
And she goes, sure.
And I go, you ready to see me play the air drums forever?
Oh, you gave it away?
That's when she knew something was up.
Then we went to the Eiffel Tower.
A ethnically ambiguous child, maybe six years old, a forecast of my daughter, runs up with a crumpled-up paper bag.
And she says, Madame, Madame, my wife goes, what?
J'emtique cards vous.
And she hands it to her and runs away.
And she has a crumpled up paper bag.
And my wife says, what did she say?
And I said, well, in French, she said, she has a little present for you.
So she uncrumples the bag, reaches in, there's a ring.
And she looks at me and I said, will you marry me?
I didn't get down on one knee.
I don't like that.
That sets a bad precedent.
I'm not your bitch.
You're my bitch.
Bitch?
Fucking whore.
You're my bitch, whore.
I said, will you marry me, whore?
Went in France.
I should have done that.
And we have a lot of history in Paris, especially at that location.
A couple years before we were there visiting, we have friends there, niggers in Paris.
And I said, I bet you can't do a cartwheel over that bench.
Like, run up to the bench, do a cartwheel where you put your ass, put your hands there, and then land on the other side of the bench, like, you know, going with it, not over the back, but parallel to it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So it's just part of your role.
And she goes, that's, no, I'm not going to do that.
And then I said, pussy.
Come on, nah, dog.
And so I ran and did it.
But when you're doing a cartwheel, you only need about three feet for your hands.
A bench is more like five or six feet.
So I came down and I was still on the bench and I landed and I snapped my collarbone.
How are you doing, Gavin?
Gavin?
Not well.
Gavin broke his collarbone.
So we have to go to the hospital.
And the cab driver takes us to a hospital first.
And it's a fucking children's hospital.
So we get in there, we sit down.
I notice everyone's short and has small heads.
And I realize these are children.
And I speak French.
And they go, C'est pa le bon hopital, monsieur, c'est pour des enfants, y si.
Sau je cherche pour hopital pour des adoles croi.
And we go to another one and we're waiting there, waiting there.
And it's now it's like three in the morning and the booze is wearing off.
And we're like, this is going to be all night.
That's going to ruin our vacation.
So then I'm under the impression that my shoulder is just out of socket because I can feel there's something very painful and something's not right.
So I grab a doorknob and I go one, two, three in the emergency room and yank it.
And what I thought I would be doing is like popping my shoulder back into its spot.
But all I was doing was taking the broken collarbone and going beam, bomp, beam, bomp, doing nothing.
Making it worse, no?
Or just doing nothing?
Broken's broken.
You can't do anything with a collarbone.
Mine's misshapen now.
You want to hear something crazy?
Hell yeah.
I was at David Cross's house shortly after that.
We're now at like 2002.
And Sam Cedar was there.
Really?
Of all people, this is 20 years ago to the day.
It's the anniversary today.
And he was bragging to David about Air America, which Janine Garoflo was also a part of, and what a complete scam it is.
But he's at Air America.
So he was having a good laugh.
This is the liberal mindset, you know?
He was having a good laugh at how corrupt it is and the money is a pyramid scheme kind of a thing.
And the donors are getting ripped off and ha ha ha.
And it's awesome.
Like the way a criminal would brag about a bank heist.
And I'll never forget that because I remember thinking, I wasn't really that conservative at the time or even political, but 9-11 had just happened and I was starting to not like the left and their tolerance.
And I remember thinking, like, so instead of him, like, you'd imagine the normal reaction would be like, here, America's kind of a sinking ship, dude.
I'm really worried about it.
Some shady shit's going down.
I think it's all going to blow up in our faces soon.
That wasn't the attitude.
The attitude was like, ha, ha, ha, it's such a scam.
It's awesome.
Anyhow, he also, I told him my collarbone had just been broken.
And he said, well, prepare to know when a thunderstorm's coming for the rest of your life.
And I go, what?
And he goes, the humidity, the extra humidity in the air, you feel that.
And if you've ever broken your collarbone, you can feel it in your bones.
No.
That's not a thing.
You cannot sense humidity in the cracks in your bones, you fucking old wife.
Old wives' tail machine.
Anyway.
What's next?
If you meet a troll under a bridge, you say his name three times and he grants you a wish.
Yeah.
Come on, Sam.
Yeah, Sam.
So once a douche, always a douche.
Anyway, so we're in the hospital waiting room, and we were currently ruining the trip to Paris.
We were only there for a few days.
And so I said, watch this.
And then Just broke into a seizure.
Started flipping and flopping like a fish all over the emergency room.
So that whisks me to the top of the line in front of some kid who had his face blown off.
Just kidding.
And yeah, they do the x-ray.
They show me the x-ray.
You have a broken collarbone.
What can you do about it?
Nothing.
They go, some freaks will open it up and then wrap this rope around it that dissolves, this dissolving rope.
But does that really help?
You'll have a nicer collarbone if you do that, if we go in and set it.
But otherwise, you're just going to have a lump there forever because it's going to heal weird.
I was like, okay, bye.
I just didn't want to.
That's exactly what the x-ray looks like.
Is that mine?
Yes, I googled Kevin McInnes' collarbone.
Are you kidding?
No.
Yeah, I'm kidding.
Oh, there's eyes in there.
What the fuck?
Oh, that's the nucleus fraction.
It's not a big deal.
It's probably looking at the weather.
That's exactly...
Not that one, but the other one was exactly what the x-ray looked like.
Exactly.
It looks like a dick right there.
Was there a dick in your arm?
Yeah.
Yes, everybody's got an arm dick, Ryan.
It's perfectly normal.
The dick that you have here is just the only one that's protruding.
Right.
There's plenty.
Your body.
These guys have like seven dicks in their body.
Yeah, your ribcage, those are all dicks.
We have a letter coming up where someone's mad at me for mentioning dicks too much on the show.
As far as comedy goes, there's like penises, poo, gays.
Boogers.
I'm going to fight you or I'm going to kill you.
I mean, I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you.
Right.
That's about all we have with jokes.
That's why I was so worried when it became homophobic to make gay jokes because that's like 50% of my bits.
Anyhow, so that's our background with Paris.
So me proposing there was a very big deal.
And then we went out, we had a nice dinner and stuff, and she loved the ring.
It wasn't very fancy.
I got it at Zales, and I did a year payment plan.
I didn't have a ton of money back then.
And as long as you don't miss any of your payments, that's no interest.
That's what I always tell guys.
And I always say to dudes, don't get fancy.
Just a gold band with a diamond on it that looks like it's in a Disney cartoon.
No fucking rubies and zirconium and some intertwangled gold and silver going around and around.
Stop it.
They want the ring they thought about when they were a little kid watching cartoons.
All right.
So that's my proposal story.
One of the most beautiful in the world.
Let's hear Ryan's.
Picture, if you will.
We had a couple hours off.
Off.
Yesterday.
Where do you work on the chain gang?
Busy.
Busy day yesterday, but I took her to Burhamas, the Burhamas.
What are the Burhamas?
Is that near Barbados?
Little St. James.
It's off the coast.
And there was, we planned, I've spoken to a guy who talks to birds, which are the doves.
And so these doves, they're flying around.
The bird, which is the dove.
No, let's try the truth.
That's going to be much funnier than this stupid tangent.
Well, I brought her to Arby's?
Co-op City.
Actually, that's close because there's an Arby's not too far.
No joke.
I was kind of mad that they put that there.
And so I took her to my home city of Co-op City.
Just to be clear, folks, if you're not familiar with the Bronx, Co-op City is a zoo where they keep animals.
Not true.
It is people, third, fourth generation welfare.
It's Puerto Ricans sitting on their ass, waking up at 4 p.m., watching Netflix.
You will have a grandfather who never had a job, and then the mother never had a job, and the kids never had a job.
I mean, and everyone knows their great-grandfather in Co-op City because he's my age.
It doesn't say that.
You're a liar.
I didn't say that, but you did.
This is Co-op City in the Bronx.
I'll show you some footage behind you.
Well, it's...
Oh, it looks beautiful.
It's gorgeous.
There we go.
Well, that doesn't...
That looks great.
That's on the outskirts.
That's exactly where I took her, actually.
It's weird.
No, but it's full of nice parks.
I want to hear the narration.
What does he just keep saying?
So, this sucks.
This is a shithole.
Wait, why is the weather all shithole?
Oh, no, this is not.
I don't know how long it's going to be like this.
In the city, I mean.
I don't know how long it's going to be like this.
There's a chink proposing to some Bronx.
Until Puerto Ricans develop the DNA to have a work ethic, I think it's always going to seem.
We worked our way out of the Bronx.
Okay, they're dignified Puerto Ricans now.
No, your mom moved in with her parents.
That's not really working your way out of the Bronx sense.
Yeah, but the parents moved out.
She was a rock and roller, so she, you know, she's doing some rock and roll stuff.
So you're saying your grandparents worked their way out of the Bronx?
Correct.
And then your mother went to...
No, no.
She just stayed there.
She inherited the apartment.
It's hard to get an apartment in Co-op City, but if you get one passed down to you, then you got an apartment.
Let's hear this one of your brethren talking there.
I don't know who this Cuban man is.
Cuban?
I thought it was a Puerto Rican flag.
Let me see.
But wrong again!
Captain Wrong!
Let's just call it Cuban.
Okay.
See, why is it so human?
And I'm trying to remember when I visit here.
I'm not saying it's exactly this building, but the building kind of looks like this.
This side, you know, this shape.
So it could be either one of these buildings.
Honestly, I don't know.
These buildings are pretty similar.
So it's really confusing.
He sounds like a great tour guide.
Also, you're alone, sir, in the middle of nowhere, and you're narrating something.
So maybe take your mask off.
I can't fucking hear you, you tard.
Anyway, so you took her to this, which New York's going through a rough patch right now.
The South Bronx has always been worse than New York.
So the South Bronx is going through a very, very Bad patch.
So you took her to the worst part of the worst city in the world.
It's definitely the best part of the Bronx.
Is it in the South Bronx?
No.
Oh.
It's like the northernmost part of the Bronx.
Oh, okay.
So we got cops and firemen up.
I thought Co-op City was in the South.
No, no, no, no.
It's been nice.
It's been nice.
My great-grandfather, a Greek guy, would say it was always a nicer neighborhood before the Mavros moved in.
Navajos?
Mavros.
Now, if you translate Mauv, Mauv is, is that purple?
Oh, like Moulignon, the eggplants?
Yeah, but he's Greek, so Mavros.
Oh, okay.
Those who are of Mauv.
I will say, I like to bust your chops, but it does look kind of cool to have us a high-rise, it's not aesthetically cool, but as far as funness goes, to have all of those kids all hang out in the same park.
Oh, hell yeah, we do.
So you must have all kinds of games, soccer and baseball and wiffleball and tag and stuff.
Round and around.
You go near the marshes over there near the water.
It's built on a marsh.
And there's a lot of space between the buildings.
It's not a crowded city.
Tons of parks in between.
It's really nice.
That's how my dad grew up.
He was in a box of high-rises.
And they just play soccer.
I told you this before.
They play soccer in the main area.
And at 6 in the morning, it would be one-on-one soccer.
At noon, it was like 30-on-30, the team.
Damn.
And then by like 10 p.m., it would be back to one-on-one.
And it was the same game.
And you just yell, Hiram!
Connie Geza!
Jelly Piece!
What is that?
A jam sandwich, a jelly piece.
Oh, jelly piece.
So she'd make a jam sandwich, wrap it up in a page from today's newspaper, and throw it out the window.
And you'd see what window it came from, didn't know it's yours.
Oh, yeah.
And they were attuned to their own son's voice.
So they'd hear, Ian Woah, Connie Giza Jelly Piece.
And they go, oh, Mawien's famished.
Pretty easy life for the mom, too.
Pretty awesome.
Like, we have to always have activities for our kids, try to get them away from screens.
Then you just push it out of your cunt, and then as soon as it learned to walk, it was bye.
Hobo Johnson was kicked out of his house at 19.
I was kicked out of my house at 19, and my girlfriend was only 17.
Sorry.
You cannot be kicked out of your house after 18.
So anyway, we're drawing this out.
So then what?
Where were you when you proposed?
In a nice little park.
I don't know if you could see it from this shot here, but a nice little greenway park.
Okay.
And then we had some delicious food.
Wait, stop.
So you said, we don't want the details.
I did the knee thing.
Okay.
And you had the ring?
Had the ring, yeah.
But she already had the ring.
I told her to put it back.
So she's been wearing the ring, you know, because it's like, how could you not want to wear it?
My ring situation kind of sucks.
Pregnancy, ring, proposal, marriage.
And then we're about to meet each other, I think, next week.
And then we're going to fuck, I think, maybe in a month.
And you did get divorced.
Yeah, we started off with the divorce.
You broke up right before she got pregnant.
We started off with the divorce, yeah.
Yeah.
So tell us about it.
So you're sitting there, because when you take a girl home and there's that first kiss, no matter how well things are going, it's always awkward to sort of go, ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, well, that's what they were doing then.
I mean, that's a lot of people were doing it back then.
And you change the energy kissing energy.
Right.
And sometimes she'll just sort of go like this.
Just because it's so gay.
Right.
That she just doesn't.
I don't want to kiss to be gay.
My MO after a while was just like, I'm going in for the first kiss before we meet.
Ooh.
So I'm like, you're so fucking hot.
Holy shit, blah, blah, blah.
And it's very clear we're not friends.
I want to get with you.
And then this is not a surprise.
It makes sense.
It's like, oh, I know, you old dog.
I knew you were going to hit on me at some point.
And then you're like, let me see your tits.
And you're just like, like an animal.
And then she's sort of like, let the dogs out.
Woof, woof, woof.
Unleash the hounds.
They're barking.
That's better than just like, I'm actually not a puppy.
I'm a wolf.
Yeah, that's, that's, I gave some advice to this guy who just took his, this girl on a, on a road trip.
Like, the chemistry was all good, and they tried to kiss her on top of the mountain.
I was like, I don't think you should have waited that long to expose like the wolfman horny guy.
Yeah.
You have to like let that in.
Like you had a whole road trip and I think he was playing like the soulmate thing.
It's like, that's a lot of pressure on a chick to be like, I want to be with you.
You don't have to go up and say, I would love to fuck you.
Right.
You just go up and you go, Jesus Christ, you're hot.
What?
Keep making sexual jokes.
What is that outfit?
Who are you?
Where did you come from?
A gay guy could say that.
So you're not really a total creep.
You're more just like observing beauty.
Like the worst thing you could be is like, oh my God, you're so fucking...
There's a difference between you are so fucking hot.
It's insane.
And you're so fucking hot.
Right.
I'm going to lick your pussy.
And then these fingers, too.
I want to finger you.
Just like this.
Finger.
Soccer.
I could smell it.
I want to smell it.
Can I smell your butt?
Can I put my finger in your ass crack and go like that?
And then just walk around?
I want to smell it.
I want to, the next day after I finger you, I want to smell it when I'm on the bus going to my therapist.
And then show it to my friends.
I want to, on my way to my probation officer and Yonkers, I want to smell my fingers.
And be like, ya.
That's how to get chicks.
Anyway, so tell us about the, ha ha ha, yeah, yeah, that was a fun day.
And then you get down on one knee?
You probably joked about it, right?
You're like, here we are, this is it.
No, it was just like kind of, it just, I'm sure that was there, like the, she saw it coming, and then you walk a little more, and then you kind of just forget it, and then you're off topic, and then you catch up.
By the time that you're in the walk, like the, you kind of forget that it's like a setup.
So whatever you're talking about, like the Mets comes to a close, there's a one beat, two beat, and then you stop walking.
Yeah.
So you were walking.
I think you do like a turnaround thing.
Well, don't say, what did you do?
Like, yeah, you're walking and then you.
Turn.
I was walking.
Well, this is what you do.
I'm telling people.
We don't want to hear what one does.
We want to hear what you did.
So I'm walking and then I turn and then I say a nice thing.
I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
You know, you're my best friend, blah, blah, blah.
Some other things.
And, you know, also, and then just kind of some other information that, like, you know, because we wanted an ideal wedding, you know, like a nice, you know, ceremony and everything like that.
But, you know, it's hard to pull that together during the COVID times.
Well, also, even when places are open, they're double booked.
Because they just opened.
Because they just opened.
So I would give up for a year.
Yeah.
You know what we want to do?
I think when our girl is two, have like a really good...
Put it off for like a year or two.
And then so that way she's our ring girl.
Or no, a flower girl.
No, that's gay and stupid.
That's what divorce people do.
You should consider like a winter wedding at the cloisters or something like that.
It's New York City.
It's not going to be freezing.
Winter.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe.
I always pictured being very summer.
Do you know the cloisters?
Look that up.
Yeah, we passed by and she was telling me about there's a bunch of cool architecture and such.
I'll look it up.
Yeah, that'd be a pretty place.
And you only invite, like, well, you know, my rule with weddings is, would it be weird if I were to call you and say, hey, man, I'm going to be in your neighborhood.
Do you want to get a beer?
If the person on the other line would go, I guess, sure.
Don't put them on the wedding list.
That's one end of the spectrum.
Here's the other end of the spectrum.
This is how you know someone is a really close pal and should absolutely be there.
If you were to call them and say, hey, man, I need pants.
I'm going to go to J. Crew or something or Dick's, Carhartt, whatever.
I'm going to go buy some pants.
You want to come with me?
If the person is like, yeah, okay, then that person definitely should be there.
Like if you called me and said you wanted to go buy pants, do I want to come?
I would just hang up.
I wouldn't even respond.
So that's a really close pal.
At my wedding, I had interns from Vice.
We had like 300 people there.
It was fucking idiotic, and I hate them all.
I like maybe a tenth of the people who were there.
And even then, a lot of those people hate me.
Like Chromio.
Chromio played.
I don't want to be with anybody at all.
They probably hate me now.
That sucks because they rule because of the American divorce.
So I think you should do it.
You're not going to get September or the fall.
That's still going to be booked.
But, you know, early March, even late February?
That could be fun.
In Canada, everyone would die instantly.
Their eyelids would freeze shut.
But New York, I don't even wear a jacket in New York anytime.
Early March sounds about good.
You got to worry about rain there.
But anyway, so you do that, you propose.
Does she cry?
She cries.
You know what you should do then?
There's a little cry.
You should go, the normal thing to do then is to go, you're crying, you stupid bitch.
I kicked sand in her eyes if she did that.
That's what you do.
You know what I'm going to help?
What's this?
And then I kicked sand in her eyes.
She was like, and she laughed, I think.
I think that was a laugh.
Or you should say, ew, is that your ugly cry?
Can you do your hot cry?
Please tell me that's your ugly cry because, eh.
So then you do that, and then you go out and you have a nice dinner.
That's romantic.
Well, first, then she says no, and then...
No, I'm just kidding.
That's no Paris, but it'll do.
Yeah.
I had high expectations for, you know, not that I've always been like, oh, I can't wait to get married sort of thing, like some sort of fucking Disney thing.
But I like that there's traditionalism to it, you know, and, you know, off to a kind of unorthodox start.
But I have to get a wedding band.
It's going to have to be a silicone one because I have to save up for like my gold band.
They're $200, dude.
What are you talking about?
Save up.
I wanted a 6mm.
We lose these all the time.
If we take them out to the gym.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I've lost this before.
I just bought a new one and got the same inscription.
Oh, okay.
It's not a diamond ring.
It's like $200.
This is garbage.
Is it 14 karat?
I don't know.
Who cares?
I think the price went up significantly since you got that one.
I'm looking at like $600, $700.
No.
I'm going to hold out.
That's a thin band?
I don't know.
It's a normal band.
It looks like, yeah, like a...
Don't get fancy.
That's gay.
I don't want fancy.
I don't want any stones in there.
I just want a thick band.
Duh.
No, you got to see.
There's some guys, Italians mostly, that have stones in their band.
How much is a gold wedding ring?
June 2021.
Is the Alexa set up?
No.
Oh, damn it.
It's not set up.
You didn't set it up.
You have the app to set it up.
I do not.
Actually, my app didn't update.
What the fuck?
We need the computer to start spying on us, damn it.
Yeah.
It could have prevented the insurrection.
Right.
To be clear, FBI, we had actually nothing to do with that.
Yeah, there's like $82.
$82?
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, but what is it, though?
Like, is it just...
It's from Walmart.
But is it...
So what?
It says $14k.
I don't mind if it's from Walmart.
Who cares where it's from?
There you go.
Is it coated?
Oh, that's for a woman.
That's real thin.
Yeah, that's too thin.
That looks queer.
You need a normal one that everyone in the world has.
Like this one right here?
This is too thick, but I'd like it like a rubber.
You look like a clown in that.
That looks so stupid.
This would be a good.
Yeah.
You can just have that banged out.
You go to a jeweler and they put it on the conical thing and they just bang it down and now it goes on a different finger.
Anyway, I'm done this micro mining.
This is a subway token.
Oh, shut up.
Okay, so I guess we're done here, right?
We got your whole story?
Yep.
Good.
Yeah, so no, we're not done.
So you get the list together.
It's between pants and beer as far as calling.
If the person would be remotely disturbed by that, this goes for your woman, too.
Obviously, moms and dads, but when you're getting down to cousins, like if they go who?
On the phone, no.
So I think you could probably, you're a recon though, so there's a lot of fucking relatives.
How many people were at the gender reveal?
Maybe like 40, 30, 40, something like that.
I'm bad at gauging anything, but.
And she has a bad relationship with her family, right?
No, it's great.
But they're probably, I don't know, they haven't met my parents yet.
Or my family yet.
I think her side, you could probably get down to 10.
It's just less Puerto Rico.
So now it's 40.
I was at a wedding recently where they didn't have big meals.
It was just snacks.
That saves you a ton of dough.
And then the liquor is a pain in the ass, but you could, I think because you're young, you could just throw it like, bring B-Y-O-B.
And now people are spending like $36.
And that saves you thousands, by the way.
True.
And you get your friends to bartend.
So really, I think the most expensive part would be renting the little area in the cloisters.
But it'll be cheap if it's at a weird time.
Yeah.
So we solved that problem.
This is a banked episode.
I'm away on holiday.
Totally parting my ass off, yo.
And I'm here to say that we're going to catch up on some mailbags.
Maddie's not here for this one.
I apologize.
So don't get your hopes up.
This show is going to suck.
It's already been sucking.
You've been hearing about some asshole's wedding that you don't care about.
Exactly.
So get your hopes even lower.
I guess we're not going to play the intro, right?
Yeah.
Now, I've screened these so they're interesting.
This one's a doozy from a guy also named Ryan.
And he starts it with a quote.
Oh, it's all one big quote from an article called Circumcision.
And it says, it was my idea to use fMRI and or PET scanning to directly observe the effects of circumcision on the infant brain.
And are you going to have your daughter circumcised?
I don't think that's how it works in the West.
I think you should, because women with full clits are sluts.
Well, yeah, that's true.
But you should have it at a Muslim hospital, even though there's no such thing.
Welcome.
Hey, anti-Semites, isn't it weird there's plenty of like Beth Israel in New York City and all these Israel Jewish hospitals, but there's no Muslim hospitals?
Hypothetic.
You should have her clit cut off.
And they can do it now.
Muslim doctors will do it with a scalpel.
They'll get all of it off.
Instead of the stone?
Yeah, and you will not have a slut for a daughter.
I'm more traditional.
I like the stone.
They just smash it off.
Oh, what a horrible joke.
That's a terrible joke.
Analysis of the MRI data indicated that the surgery subjected the infant to significant trauma.
The greatest changes occurred in the limbic system.
Ryan, click on the fucking link and don't show the letter that I'm already reading to people.
The link is open.
No?
Yeah, that's what you want to show.
The greatest changes occurred in the limbic system concentrating in the amygdala and in the frontal and temporal lobes.
A neurologist who saw the results postulated that the data indicated circumcision affected most intensely the portions of the victim's brain associated with reasoning, perception, and emotions.
Follow-up tests on the infant one day, one week, and one month after the surgery indicated that the child's brain never returned to its baseline configuration.
In other words, the evidence generated by this research indicated that the brain of the circumcised infant was permanently changed by the surgery.
Wow.
In a good way or a bad way?
Well, that's actually a great question because that's retarded and you're circumcised, so we can see how dumb it makes people.
I have nothing but foreskin.
I'm doing great.
Although, as I told you the other day, I only learned to use it like two years ago.
Yeah, it doesn't come with a manual.
I used to peel the foreskin back, probably because I was remembering the condom days.
And then sometimes you'd have to spit on your hand to lube it.
And now you're giving her a UTI because you just spat on her.
Now I go up to the dock with the foreskin forward.
So my foreskin is touching her labia.
And then I push.
Like an actual Trojan horse.
Like you sneak in the bad thing with the sort of exterior.
That's not the best analogy.
And you can even do it in the butt.
You don't need loop.
It goes anywhere.
And that was God's design.
Handy, huh?
And zero UTIs since I started doing this.
Zero.
An accurate meme.
This gentleman is mocking the FBI.
Okay, so now we're jumping up to the top.
Well, that went to my top because I had responded to him in my stupid email.
When you respond, it puts it at the top, which I hate.
FBI creating white supremacists for themselves.
Yep, and there's no better example than the governor.
Sorry, the fake kidnapping of the governor, where nine people were involved in this.
Six of them were feds.
So two feds for every entrapped, innocent person, where you have some frustrated patriots bummed out.
Oh, by the way, patriot has been flagged as a problematic word that is probably linked to racism.
Patriot.
And they're bitching about the election, and these feds get on there and they go, we should do something about it, man.
Don't be all talk.
Fucking let's kidnap the governor.
And out of all the saps they spoke to, three of them went, Yeah, maybe we should.
You know what?
You're right.
Ah, you're going to jail.
And then they get the numbers, and now they've stopped kidnapping.
And now their data says domestic terrorism, white supremacy is the number one threat.
Fucking clown world.
And you know, we hear about bigots in New York and racism.
And I know all the guys that the left thinks are the racists, the sort of wise guys, the tough guys at the gym, the South Brooklyn types.
You know what they talk about?
They talk about the election.
They say there's going to be another wave of COVID that's going to enforce mail-in ballots so they can cheat again.
They talk about that governor thing a lot.
These so-called racist rednecks don't talk about black people.
They live in their own little segregated community.
Blacks and whites live separately in New York.
So it doesn't come up that much.
They're worried about the government.
They're worried about totalitarianism and the lack of freedom in this country.
Gavo and Ryan check out Sly's Daughters.
You know, on Kyle Dunnegan's show with Sly Stone, he goes, I was looking up my name the other day, and it's Sylvester.
And I thought, why am I called Sly?
It should be Syl.
He also had a great episode recently where he's talking about the dude, Jeffrey Toobin, who got caught beating off at the Zoom call.
And he's like, what about his first time after that doing it again?
Like his first beat-off after it destroyed his entire life?
He's sort of like, you're the one who got me into this mess.
So it must be kind of like, bastard.
This old thing.
This old curse.
I figured out what happened, by the way.
He's watching the Zoom call.
It's these ugly, stupid, boring dykes.
And people have shown who he was having the call with, and they're all hideous monster, bulldyked, lesbian pieces of human shit.
And you know they were talking about Trump and racism and other things that are irrelevant today.
And so because he was bored, on silent, he put on Red Tube or Uporn or something and was just like randomly, that's fake, randomly looking at shit that just to amuse himself,
like chubby, Asian, girls wrestling, whatever.
I'm giving away my links or angry Jew.
Or knowing him, he was probably like stepdaughter stuff.
But then he got a boner.
And then it was like throbbing.
And when they finally done, he finally was able to catch up on the wank.
Wait, that's fake.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
He's not that spelt.
But see if you could find the women that he was on with.
Anyway, sorry, maybe that's not so important.
Check out Sly's daughters.
What the fuck is in his cock that makes him make these hotties?
I don't know.
This is a weird prejudice I have, but when I see a guy with all daughters, I think that he's not good at fucking and he has a small dick.
That's a terrible thing to think, but I think you think it too.
His youngest is 19, which is a little young for me, but what the hell?
Can't a boy dream?
Keep on, keeping on.
All right, so let's get down to rating.
They are incredibly fucking hot.
The top one there, is that his wife?
Yeah.
She's the best-looking one out of all of them, I think.
Yeah, she's...
I mean, am I enrich for throwing out a nine?
I feel like Flava Flav after he got his first paycheck.
But I think she's a nine.
Eight feels cruel.
That's how you judge it, right?
We're doing nine.
I'll go down to 8.7 if I haven't had lunch yet and I'm in a bad mood.
But I'm only going down 0.3 from a 9.
Now we have the one closest to Sly.
What do you give her, Ryan?
The mom?
Yeah.
She's up there, man.
I'd say like 8.8.
Yeah.
We're agreed on that.
The one closest to Sly.
She's like lower 8s, but still 8s.
She's very standard.
What did Oscar Wilde say?
Pretty is pretty, but only ugly can be beautiful?
Not going to lie, that's a high tit, too.
That's a real high tit.
It's a fairly high tit.
Looks like it could be a somewhat flat tit.
Kind of a pancake.
Could be a pancake.
Yeah.
But we're not going to get into that.
There's not enough tit information to make a call.
So I'm just going to go with...
Anything in the sevens feels cruel and wrong.
Eights is definitely the zone.
I'm going to go with 8.1.
8.1 is solid.
Now, the one in the middle has that special something.
Yeah, she's got the smokiness.
She's got something going.
That Mila Kunis, like, supermodel thing.
That beauty mark's doing a lot for her.
It's great.
It's not quiet for her at all.
Homeboy's going to get it.
It's pretty loud.
I think it's an 8.8.
The mom is...
She's right there with mom, yeah.
She's right up there with mom, but mom has something that looks weird.
She's much more of a standard beauty, and you only get up into the nines if there's something weird about you.
Now, so you think I'm going to be throwing nines at this one?
Sorry, a little too weird.
She looks like a ferret.
Oh, the one all the way to the right?
Yeah.
Oh, no, yeah, no.
She's like 7.8.
That seems a little bit.
She looks too young.
She's not cooked yet.
Yeah, she's not cooked.
She looks...
It's quiet.
It's a little quiet for her.
I'm going to go down to 7.4.
But she looks like a fucking third-grade hooker.
No, that's not true.
That's not true, McDonald.
Jesus.
Let's see another picture.
Because they're changing ages, you know?
Like, do that one.
Oh, she's very Trump daughter-esque, this one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But go back.
Do that one right in the middle.
Yeah.
This one?
Because Ferret face is getting better.
She's becoming Interesting.
Like, this is.
I'm going to go up to, she's kind of masculine, but I might start talking to 7.5s, 7.4s.
And then the one in the middle, I mean, that's just a supermodel.
That's boring.
It's boring.
It's an 8.8, but like, I'm going to forget what she looks like as soon as you click away.
The one on the right, I'm almost not into at all.
I can't see because of the camera.
Can you scooch her?
Almost.
I mean, she's also a very, very beautiful lady, but, you know?
I'm not stunned.
Yeah.
So I'm going to give her like an 8.7, whatever, but I'm falling asleep.
If you saw her in Vegas, like at the pool, even if she had a perfect body, I don't think you'd be stunned.
You'd just be like, oh, there's a model who does modeling.
If she had like a cool walk like this, though, if she walked like this, that might be pretty cool.
But otherwise, it'd be so boring.
No, with that kind of girl, you want something to go wrong, like you want cross eyes or a gap in her teeth or something, or maybe even missing an arm to give it some spice.
See, those are all things we can manage.
I can manage it.
I think Ferrethead is going to end up being the most interesting one.
I can picture in my head right now, Ferret Face.
I've already forgotten her.
I forgot her the second you clicked away.
Okay, go back.
Leave us.
Let's just see a totally different one because we're obviously seeing them throughout the years.
Okay, I've had enough of the green dress.
We know that year.
Let's try him with the suit here.
What's this now?
This one?
Whoa.
The mom is...
The mom just lost.
No.
Oh, my God, dude.
The mom just plummeted down to the sixes.
She's an old bag.
Let's see her again.
God, what kind of fucking filters were in that first shot?
Move her way over.
She's behind the camera.
Oh, my lord.
She's ancient Chinese secret.
She's a six.
Maybe even a 5.7.
So the mom's fired.
Goodbye.
Ferret face is coming into her own there.
And then the other two.
Oh, the one closest to Sly is less boring in that one.
That's because she's got like these dough eyes.
She's getting something going.
Kind of a strong chin, but puffy lips.
The one in the middle is the blonde is way too attractive.
She just looks like a handsome man now.
She's got that Ashley St. Clair curse.
She kind of looks like Kevin James.
Where she's just on it.
She looks like a drawing.
Unattainable.
Does Slystone have a Hitler mustache?
Yeah, just not a big fan of Jews.
Erasing the Juden von Struten.
You know, six million wasn't enough.
I'm in Hollywood.
I deal with these mother matzerkrists every day.
Matzer Christ.
That pocket score is loud.
Yeah, it's quiet for that.
It's quiet for it's loud.
It's quiet because it's loud.
Go to the Kyle Dunigan thing again.
Let's see.
We're time for a yo.
Outside of all the censored shows, I will stray from this network when it's Tucker Carlson, obviously, Anthony Cumia.
And I can have time for a yo.
My Stelonians.
I could have that on.
What's great about all these podcasts and these video shows now is vidcasts is if you've got a shitty task, like the dishes or repairing a cupboard door or something like that, you put this on and it's no problem.
I could have like, you ever have a bear go through your garbage if you live in the country?
It's the worst job ever because they spread the garbage around and you can't shovel it up.
So you have to pick up each individual piece of garbage and put it back in a bag.
It takes like an hour and a half, especially when your kids have diapers everywhere.
I did this a long time ago.
And I put on one of these and it's just like, this is fun now.
I'm doing something interesting while I let's hear him.
And my good friend Kirp, who lives in my converted garage.
And now it's time for at home with Slice Dialogue.
You know?
Mr. Lois.
Mr. Ladies, what's happening?
Kirp is not here yet.
I think he's wearing football equipment.
But I worked all day.
He can't even be on time.
So you guys give him hell in the comments, please.
Very angry about this.
You know?
I'm exhausted.
My doctor said, yo, stop this show.
Don't do it.
And I said, you ain't stopped nothing.
You know?
I gotta be with my Scalonians tonight.
Michaels, folks.
Is what I said.
Oh, here's Kirp.
I am gonna yell at him.
Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up.
It's Kirp.
You said 7.15.
7.00.
We start at 7 p.m. sharp.
Well, I remember.
That's what the Scalonians expect.
You should see the comments, Kirp.
Everyone's calling you a jackass.
I swear you told me 7.15.
That's what you said.
Look at this bad Kirp.
Unprofessional Kirp.
Keep it to him.
See what's happening?
Time is flying by.
Like, oops, we're doing a show.
Oh, wait.
Oops?
Everything about him.
Like, Kurt Metzger is a very, very funny guy, and he's a great writer.
Everything funny you saw on the Amy Schumer show was him, and he writes a lot of that.
But when I see him, and I don't mean to disrespect Kurt, does he have the actual sprinkles?
I already have the sprinkles.
Kyle Dunnegan is hiding behind a fucking CGI face, and every cock of his eyebrow, every mumble out of his mouth gives me the giggles.
I'm telling you, it's like there's one every 10 years.
Like John Belushi in Animal House.
He just goes like this.
The whole cafeteria scene in Animal House.
He's just reaching for an apple.
How is that funny?
I don't know.
It's magical sprinkles.
Artie Lang was...
I was watching Mad TV, which is on HBO Max now.
And it's really like, I mean, lowbrow, but it's fun to look back at that.
But Artie Lang was absolutely...
They were trying to go for like, we need a new Belushi.
He could have been.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why he became a drug addict because he couldn't take the pressure.
There was an update on him.
Oh, he got a nose, I heard.
I did hear about the nose from you on Anthony's show, I think, right?
But they found out where he's been for these months.
And didn't you guys get to the bottom of that where he was taking care of his mom?
Let's see here.
Where did Artie Lang go when he disappeared in mid-battle for sobriety?
I know where he went.
He was in his shitty, disgusting apartment in Jersey where his side table was an broken air conditioner and he had a line of heroin, line of Coke, line of heroin.
Then he'd go to rehab.
Then he would get, he would be busted out of rehab and violate his probation.
The guy was a fucking absolute mess.
One of the funniest people in the world.
Definitely sprinkles material.
And what I always thought about, what I was impressed about Artie is he's so fucking fast.
Yeah.
But I mean, he couldn't have worked harder to sabotage his career.
And it scares me because my kids are the same genetic makeup.
25% Indian, 75% European.
So let's see his nose.
Apparently he's been sober.
Wait, is that his new nose?
I'm not sick and not using.
I'd be in jail if I was.
I'm not sick and I'm not using.
I'd be in jail if I was.
Just have crazy anxiety and I'm fighting it hard.
In the past, I would have just done drugs and gone to work or canceled last minute, but I won't do that now.
Instead, I cleared my schedule.
Really?
I'll be back soon, though.
Peace.
That was 2020.
Lank spent near two months in prison in 2019.
So where's he been?
Go back up.
He looks like my buddy Robbie Dylan in that picture, who is a boxer.
Sorry, Rob.
Yeah, that's an insult to both of us.
Keep going.
There's back in his nose days.
God, imagine doing so much Coke.
You had no nose.
I want to see his new nose.
Yeah.
Oh, he's morphed.
He's been like seven different guys.
Dude, when he is at Mad TV, he looks not like any of the Artie Langs we know.
So look up Artie Lang new nose.
I want to see the nose.
It always knows.
Oh, me, the nose.
It was always the elephant in the room when I'd hang out with him.
Let's see.
Is this new?
Artie Lang nose, quote unquote, fixed via photo app.
Oh, okay.
That's a phony bowl.
Ooh, that one was bad.
That looks like not human.
Yeah, that's like the Star Wars bar.
What a great guy.
Fuck.
As fucked up as he was every time he'd see me at combat, remembered my name.
Hey, Ryan, how you doing, man?
Just such a nice dude.
He's a great high-quality guy.
And he's not a dad, so all his abuse was self-inflicted.
He never fucked anyone over.
I mean, he canceled on a few people, but you know, it's when it's a dad and they've ruined some kid's life.
No, I don't think he has a new nose.
No.
Where'd you hear that from?
I can't remember.
I know he was holding off as some sort of punishment to himself.
Oh, really?
Like, I'm not going to get you a new nose and then have you blow it.
Yeah.
Show the scene.
What scene?
John Belushi getting the food at the cafeteria.
I think it's Don't Know Much About the Don't Know Much About History.
About the French I took Bluto.
The soundtrack for that fucking movie is so genius, too.
The first time comedy used classical music.
This is just a person accruing more food than he should have.
This is someone having extra food.
And it's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
On the page on the script, it just says, man, just pick up food.
But then make it funny and bring it to life.
Extra food.
This is a man getting extra food.
This is a man eating jello quickly.
Boy, they had good quality cafeterias back then, didn't they?
Yeah, I don't know what that jiggly thing was.
See, I'm laughing.
He's eating a hamburger fast.
I don't laugh at Coney Island when they do the hot dog eating contest.
Look at that walk.
I do hope we're not interrupting anything main to honest.
You must know.
Eric was just leaving.
No, I wasn't.
I could make you leave if you asked me.
Ludo!
Hey!
I think you know everybody here.
They tell you Chevy Chase was supposed to be his character?
What was his name again?
Oh, really?
Gopher?
When I went to college, I was ready for this.
Oh, that sucks.
And I was living in a punk house, and we basically did have Animal House.
And I was like, let's bring it to college.
Let's fuck with all these nerds.
It's going to be awesome.
Then I get there.
It's all nerds.
Most of them still lived with their parents.
No one was fun at Carleton University in Ottawa.
Nor were they when I transferred to Concordia University in Montreal.
Nerdsville.
Did this ever exist?
Well, actually, the writing for Animal House was a compilation of Harold Ramos and everyone got together and they amalgamated their craziest college stories with the craziest stories they've ever heard.
So what you're seeing in Animal House is like 20 people telling the craziest stories of 20 years.
So no, I guess is the short answer.
Damn.
Let's see.
Put pus, something that's like pus, and then it pops.
Would that be a zip?
I'm a zip.
Get it?
All right, you bastard.
Let's go right here.
Alright, let's get back to the letters.
You know, his brother tried to recreate the dog pile?
I mean, the food fight thing?
Right here?
John Belushi?
Yeah, his brother.
With this.
You know what I mean?
Oh, your life sucks.
My life is Animal House.
Your life is kindergarten cop.
Jingle all the way.
Excuse you.
Everything about your existence is 1 100th as good as mine.
I'm okay with that.
Because your existence is so good that even 1 100th is pretty cool.
Okay, go back to the mailbag.
Was that a pausing instead of nagging?
I'm back.
So this is interesting, and it brings up an interesting subject.
A lot of the times you're laughing.
I was saying this to my kids.
Careful when you're shitting on someone.
Choose your targets because you might be shitting on someone who has special needs.
And you're like, ha ha, like we did when we're like, oh, I like chocolate.
Oh, that's a good one.
And then we see the actual footage and it's a special guy.
So now I'm making fun of someone who's mentally handicapped.
And I'm like, that guy's basically retarded.
Yeah.
And midgets are short.
So it's not funny or it's morally wrong and all that stuff too.
So I did an article for Tacky Mag about bronies.
And I was like, haha, look at this perpetual adolescence.
They're losers.
They watch kids' cartoons.
And then I looked deep, deep into it and I realized these guys are severely autistic.
Leave them alone.
And autists and people on the spectrum, they have trouble looking at you in the eyes, right?
They have trouble identifying.
They have trouble with emotions and trouble looking at people.
Bronies, they have very specific emotions.
Like, hi, I'm like disco brony or whatever the name of that particular fucking horse is.
It's the love one.
It's the music one.
It's the kiss one.
It's the food one.
So their emotions are very easy to hone in on.
And then they've got these giant eyes.
So it helps you practice like looking at eyes and corresponding with eyes.
So bronies are severely autistic guys who have trouble speaking to human beings, trying to be normal and trying to fix their mental illness.
So leave them the fuck alone.
And like insane clown posse is another thing people shit on where it's just the children of single moms trying to build a sense of community.
Usually if rich white liberals are shitting on something or Howard Stern is, it's usually worth having a second look at.
Anyway, that brings us to this video where the guy says perpetual adolescence.
And you see this woman who's obviously a big fan of puppies, cartoon puppies, I guess.
And she's ordered a furry helmet and she's freaking out about it.
It is nice.
They did a good job.
It's a really good...
Oh, no, it's so pretty.
I love Earth.
It is pretty pretty.
It doesn't look like it wants to be there, though.
I'm kind of guessing at the beginning.
Can you believe this shit?
All right, get off me.
Yeah.
Get the fuck off of me.
Someone got her the fuck away from me.
I can't.
Ow.
I can't.
You're hurting me.
Her nails are really sharp.
I don't know.
It's like she cuts them, but like on purpose.
Don't hurt me.
Please just put me down.
Can I get back in the box?
Put me down in any way you want to think.
Oh my God, where the fuck have I just landed?
Yeah, don't make fun of her.
She's trying to figure out.
She's trying to deal with the severe mental illness, and she's coping.
She's not hurting anybody.
Like, there's problems.
There's people shooting people, mugging people.
And she's cool.
And to be clear, perpetual adolescence is a huge problem.
I don't like when I see sane, capable men playing video games all day, jerking off to porn, being pathetic losers.
That's sad.
That's someone going from here and going down.
When you see bronies and her, it's someone down here getting up.
Getting a leg up.
All right.
Last one.
This is a special holiday ep.
So it's shorter and shittier than other episodes, but it's better than nothing.
Dear Gavin and Ryan, for the longest time, a friend of my wife would bring their daughter over to have play dates with our kids.
Sounds awesome.
Normal shit.
Over time, I began to notice some irregularities.
Only when the parents would leave.
Suddenly, this little girl I had come to know as Emily, or whatever, got really interested in video games and roughhousing with the boy.
So I guess he has a son, and the parents would bring their daughter over to play with their son.
It took me about two weeks to really study the behavior and find out from the parents that Emily was more of a prepubescent Jeff with silky long hair and exclusively pink slash purple clothing.
Long story short, I had a conversation with the parents and little Jeff only to find out that little Jeff was afraid to be a boy around his parents because they were so proud.
Dot, dot, dot.
Little Jeff was fucking eight.
So I, of course, called child services, which caused the parents to flee the state.
I'm happy to announce that little Jeff has a new loving home and is looking forward to playing basketball on the correct team next year, where he will inevitably get ran the fuck over like tiny kids do.
But hey, that's life.
Damn.
Huh.
Isn't that amazing?
That is good, but it's weird too because it's like...
It's good and bad.
Taking away a kid from the parents, but if the parents are like doing that Munchausen syndrome by proxy or showing off their kid or making him be cosplaying as a kid.
Munchhausen syndrome is when you make a kid sick and you claim that you're hurt by proxy.
Munchausen by proxy is redundant.
Oh, I see.
Proxy is innate in Munchausen.
But now the kid doesn't have parents.
So if they were diddling him or something, that's bad.
But is being stupid enough to convince your kid that he's trans, is that worth having your kid taken away?
That seems like abuse.
Yeah, it is.
It is abuse.
It's like a bad person.
I just wish instead of that, he could have slapped the parents around and said, stop doing this.
Your girl's a boy.
Stop pushing transgender on your son.
He's just trying to be a normal boy.
And they would do that, and then he could have a normal life with normal parents.
But maybe.
And if they're fleeing the state, they sounds like they were doing worse shit.
Right?
If they were good parents, they just fix it.
It feels like a good call.
All right, that's too sad and weird.
To end off on?
To end on.
Yeah, we'd have to end with the credits where the no music and say it's a very special episode.
A very special episode.
We should do that.
Let's end that this way.
Okay.
So we're going to end this as a very special episode.
No, now we can't do that.
We gave away the joke.
One day we will just end up.
One day we're going to end it.
Next time we end with a sad letter, I'll just have you come out here and turn out all the lights.
And then I'll do that thing by the door where I open the door and I look around at the studio one last time.
No, then the lights go off.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Because they usually look around at the whatever it is, leave it to beaver, facts of life, growing pains.
And then they look around and they turn off the light and they walk out.
They'll do those credits.
Black screen, but then it'll have that sound like when the white font comes.
Yeah, let's do that for Friday.
Boys, I know this is a longish email, but it's worth the read on Friday's episode.
Last week, you showed a video from the woman who owns Pod Share about living in the pod, eating bugs, and you will be happy all that.
I stayed at Pod Share for like three to five weeks when I was backpacking.
I actually know the chick, Alvina.
Brian, don't put up the letters.
It's stupid.
I'm reading the letter.
Put up something that's related to it, like a pod share, obviously.
People can read.
Pod share.
I stayed at Pod Share.
So take down the letter, please.
I stayed at Pod Share in LA, blah, blah, blah.
I actually know the chick, Alvina, who owns Pod Company, and I fucked her at a party once.
Just kidding.
I tried to fuck her at a party in LA, but my retarded 19-year-old self didn't realize she's gay.
Anyway, moving on.
She and her lesbian lover had a baby at the beginning of the year.
They bore some guys come to get the other chick pregnant, as lesbians are wont to do.
However, just to make things weirder, these chicks used Alvina's brother's jizz to impregnate her girlfriend.
So now Alvina's brother is the real dad of her kid.
They call him Frunkel.
Father-uncle?
Well, I prefer calling him Uncle-Dad because it sounds more hilarious and redneck.
As you'd imagine, Alvina and all her LA friends are massive lefty BLM types.
But dude, check out the reaction when they found out the baby was going to be a boy at the gender reveal.
Turn it up.
Let me see her.
Hear her.
No, no, go back.
I want to see.
They included a picture of her.
No, not that back.
The original video you had.
No, that was just, um, that was just B-roll.
I know.
I want to see the fucking B-roll.
Turn it up.
Yeah, I am.
Where are you from?
Austin, Texas.
So how long have you been here?
About a month, I think.
Whoa.
So, wow, that's a long time.
So you're not just touring.
You're not a tourist.
I'm like working at a coffee shop around the corner.
Just for the summer.
Just for the summer.
So you didn't want to get like a sublet or...
I tried to at first, but...
All right, that's enough.
I want to see what she looks like.
Show the picture that came with the email.
She's kind of hot and not hot at the same time.
Show the picture that came with the email, please.
It takes a second, but here, let's just show all the things.
Interesting, interesting.
Okay, so this is time stamped for the gender reveal.
148.
What a fucking piece of shit.
Look at what's coming up.
Come and make it believer meeting.
Boy, good.
That means I can leave early.
Come and make it believer me.
There's nothing to celebrate.
It's another white male.
Just kill it.
Just get an abortion.
That's her abortion announcement.
God damn it!
Did she shove it in my face or something?
Why did you paint?
Oh, my God!
You're gonna change men!
Did she say you're gonna change men?
Yeah.
Oh, great.
Fantastic.
The good news is we can brainwash it.
Well, by the way, usually the mother indicated.
That's your brother.
Who jizz in his wife?
It's usually bad if your brother fucks your wife.
We're gonna retry right away.
We're going right back into it.
Richard, get ready.
We're going right back into it.
Yeah, what a tangled web we weave.
I keep trying to clean up this show and end on something good.
Okay, this one's pretty good.
This one's farther down.
Dear Gavon and Rytard.
What's the subject?
That's the subject.
There's nothing to show, though.
Maybe you could show B-roll.
I don't know.
I don't think either one of you give each other enough shit in certain situations when it's entirely necessary to do so.
For example, Ryan is a stupid little pygmy with Down syndrome who didn't know what out of wedlock meant and also dressed exactly like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse for his shitty mullet reveal and then feigned absolute shock when the first comparison was made and said he'd never seen the movie.
Correct.
If that is true, then he should be fired.
And you and Maddie should hold him down and shave his head because he is a poser and doesn't deserve that hair.
So you're not allowed to have a mullet if you haven't seen Roadhouse.
I don't disagree with that.
I think there are real men that are like down south dudes that haven't seen Roadhouse.
They're like, I don't fucking watch TV.
This is a fucking lifestyle.
That bitch was, he's seen Animal House, Roadhouse.
There's a bunch.
You have to see all your houses as a man.
The show house.
The show house.
The loud house you have to watch.
You have to own a house.
Splatterhouse, you have to play the video game.
On the other hand, Gavin can't go 15 minutes without making an off-the-cup remark about dicks, big dicks, sucking dicks.
Oh, this is the letter I told you about earlier.
Or wanting to suck big dicks.
And for some reason, nobody ever calls him out on it.
That's not true.
Now, this is something with young men.
Remember I told you I saw Rocky Horror when I was 13 and I was traumatized by the gay scene?
And this is probably a natural thing God programs.
You're very freaky about anything gay when you're in your adolescence.
After your 20s, you're just like, who cares?
It's funny.
But he's obviously in his teens.
Ryan, this is when you should step in and call him out on these thinly veiled borderline jokes and get him back for all the times he has bitched you out on live television like a black woman at Burger King.
Just remember that he is in denial and his impervious boomer caveman brain will force him to pretend that you can't hurt his feelings.
Also, don't forget that he is an alcoholic loser who sets a terrible example for his children by pissing himself to sleep in a leather chair every night.
Not every night.
Who's supposed to be reading this?
Us, but only some of us?
While his wife is plotting a divorce behind his back.
I did not know about that.
Thank you for the heads up.
Gavin, I won't be surprised if you never read this on the show because I think you're actually an extremely insecure and sensitive little bitch, which is why you're constantly picking on Ryan.
And despite the fact that he is a fatherless half-chink retard, he takes criticism way better than you ever could.
And you probably don't give him credit for that either.
I just don't have anything to say back.
That's really, I have nothing else to do but absorb it.
And I think I know why.
I think I know why.
Love you both more than Gavin apparently loves dicks.
I think that's a positive note to end on, isn't it?
Yes.
By the way, my drinking in Scotland with my people is known as being a pussy and not drinking enough.
Like wetting a chair in Glasgow, it doesn't register.
No one even mentions it.
It's a good start.
For me, these days, it happens about every two or three months.
Like when I got this burn, I had to drink a bottle of fireball because of the pain, and then I wet the couch that night.
It hasn't happened since.
So that was July 4th.
Is that hand like 100% better?
No, it's 99.9.
I still got a weird thumb properly.
Let's see here.
Are you trying to zoom?
Should I move it?
I see the thumb.
Yeah.
What if you open the hand?
See, look, it doesn't bend very well.
Oh, shit.
But again, 99.9.
The dicks thing I'm not taking as a criticism.
Like, closeted fag is something you say about men when you're everyone when you're in your teens, because you're petrified that you're going to be gay.
So you're like, that's probably a fag.
Is that a fag?
That's gay.
Yeah.
Get the fuck away.
It's almost like, because in your adolescence, it's sort of like the draft.
And if you pull the wrong number, you're a fag.
So you're just sitting there going, please don't be gay.
And then you like, you finally get laid and you fuck a few chicks and it's awesome.
And you go, oh, fuck that God.
Because nobody wants to be gay.
It's not the end of the world if you're gay, but it's like being an albino.
It's not like being left-handed where it's kind of cool.
But even being left-handed is more inconvenient than being right-handed.
But, you know, it's like having shitty teeth.
It's something that's got to be fixed so that's inconvenient.
No, shitty teeth is a bad example.
It's like being blind in one eye.
That's what being gay is.
Or redhead?
It's not the end of the world.
No, redhead was a thing a long time ago.
Not anymore.
Being blind in one eye is like being gay.
So when my ex-friend said, I hope your kids become gay so you can see what it's like and it'll erase your prejudice, fuck you for saying I care about gays.
And secondly, fuck you for saying my kids should be blind in one eye.
So that's what being gay is.
You don't hate them.
You don't want to throw them off a building.
But you just go, ah, shit.
That's too bad.
You can't have kids.
And that's it for today's holiday show.
We never want to deprive you of a show even when we're not here.
If you want to firebomb the studio, I think this would be a great opportunity to do it without killing anyone.
Although our neighbors are super nice and you shouldn't kill them.
In the interim, we'll see you back with real live shows soon.
Just remember that I didn't leave like Crowder and Compound do.
And I bet fucking Ben Shapiro does, but I don't watch him.
Does anyone watch that?
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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