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May 22, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
56:21
GOML LIVE #99 - AFRICAN JAZZ (Part 1)

In this raging hodgepodge of a show, we go from random comments about terrible TV shows to the Final Video, then back to the Mail Bag and finally, we take some of the worst calls in the history of this network.

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Milk and Milky's comments and milk wagons and all of that and it makes me hurt my feelings Oh, I'm from New York Nice pics of
Get off my lawn with Gavin McPinnis. - Hello.
What was that?
That was just sort of a meme song where they are mocking, I guess, those Indian dudes who get on social media and say, let me see your bobs.
Can you open up your cloths?
That's the chick from those commercials.
You know, we had the same manager for a while.
I recognize her.
Yeah, she's like the commercial chick with the huge bobs.
Any app is a dating app if you're Indian, buddy.
Send me neck-to-peak.
Bitch lasagna.
Neck-to-peak.
Your bubs are very big.
You know, I heard what they do.
It's called Romeo calling.
Where they just open up the yellow pages and they just call a female name.
They're like, hello, would you like to have sex with me?
And how?
I guess they have phone sex?
You know, they have so much time.
I bet what they do is they just call... Whoa.
Is that a Romeo dial?
Hello, who is this?
An incarcerated individual at San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department.
This call is not private.
It will be recorded and may be monitored.
If you believe this should be a private call, please hang up and follow facility instructions to register this number as a private number to accept this free call.
Press 1 to refuse this free call.
Thank you for using Securus.
You may start the conversation now.
Hey!
How you doing Mercedes?
Good.
You're live on the air.
I am live on the air.
Well, thank you.
So, you're talking to 25,000 people right now.
Well, hello 25,000 people.
Is there a particular message you want to say to them all?
Well, I love all of you.
That's pretty simple.
I miss all of you.
Any progress on your case?
Oh, I'm just sitting here rotting in jail and the courts haven't quite reopened and it's amazing the head game that they play out here in this district.
My DA has the nerve to say that it's my responsibility to throw her a deal.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is what San Bernardino County does.
Wait, I don't get it.
It's your responsibility to throw her a deal.
Yes, yes, and it better be in the high double digits, otherwise, you know, she's going to make sure that this trial is very hard on me.
So she wants you to come up with your own plea deal and it should be to the tune of like, what, double digits, like 99 years?
Yeah, and if not, then she's going to make sure that this trial is very hard on me.
So there was a covert threat wrapped up in this.
Yeah, this is what I'm dealing with out here, and I told you the story about Melinda Thomas.
They sentenced her to 18 years on the charge.
This is what I'm dealing with out here in San Bernardino County.
Well, I don't think it's just San Bernardino County.
It seems to be the American justice system these days.
Oh yeah!
We're in, you know, people talk about, you know, how could the Nazis have done this?
Or how could people have gotten away with this in Soviet Russia?
We're in it, people.
I'm a canary in a coal mine.
I'm telling you guys.
You know, I go to court and some of these cops, they look at me and they go, oh gosh, we know you don't belong here.
And I think to myself, well, you guys are doing this to me.
Yeah, you know we had a caller the other day who said woman don't belong in the military and they sentenced him to 46 days of hard labor and I just realized that's a gulag!
That's what a gulag is!
Well, we're in it right now.
You know, when I talk to these cops, and a lot of these cops know I shouldn't be here, and I go, well, you guys are doing this to me.
So every single one of you who knows I shouldn't be here, and yet you're doing this to me.
I mean, you guys have to understand, they put me in chains, like medieval chains.
I mean, like Jeffrey Dahmer style chains every time they transport me to court.
I have one set of clothing all week.
I have been waging a mini war all week long.
They gave me a blanket that's stained with some other woman's menstrual blood.
Oh my lord.
Mercedes, I can't hear you very well because you're on speakerphone in order for everyone else to hear, but I gotta get back to the show.
We just put your address up on the screen.
bag.
Mercedes, I can't hear you very well because you're on speakerphone in order for everyone else to hear, but I gotta get back to the show.
Okay, love you guys.
I love you all.
Write me letters.
Make sure they're in clean envelopes.
We just put your address up on the screen.
Okay.
Love you.
Bye.
Bye.
That's Mercedes Carrera, porn star who is MAGA, who has, I believe, has been framed with some a crazy pedophile charge.
I do think it's likely there was guns and meth in the same place, which is part of her charges, but I do not believe she molested her daughter.
You're innocent until proven guilty.
Anyway, that was a kooky call to get.
We have fish tacos here that Ryan made at home and brought into the studio.
Ay yi yi!
And I caught them.
That's right.
Feels good to catch your dinner.
There's something sort of primal about it.
So let's test it out, shall we?
I should put on some... I went fishing all day today off the coast of Long Island.
Taco music.
This is really good.
Right?
What's the white stuff?
That better not be cum.
It's cum.
Ryan!
Not again, right?
No, it's crema.
What's that?
Just like a Mexican sour cream.
It's really good, but you can't really go wrong with beer batters, right?
I use the king of all beer batters.
What's that?
Budweiser.
Oh.
Mmm.
Garnish with a little bit of radish on there.
This doesn't make for very good radio.
No, I'm good.
I'm gonna go in here.
Don't do that.
I sent some pictures of the fish trip today.
This is black people's food.
I was fishing off the coast of Long Island and there was boats that had been rented.
I think it's $45 for four hours.
And they take you on these big party boats, they give you a rob.
And the beauty of this fish, porgy, oh, I should've played Georgie Porgy.
I love you, porgy.
Don't let him take, is that Nina Simone?
And the beauty of porgies is, there's no real limit.
Like, you can have 40.
Now, they're not a very meaty fish.
I'll show you the batter, I'll show you my prize.
And that was six 10 to 11 inchers.
And when I say an 11 inch, I mean like from the lips to the very, very end of the tail.
Um, so what these black guys do is they, they catch them all.
Then they just descale them, chop the head off and fry all of that.
And then they pick away at it.
This guy was explaining to me, he's like, excuse the imminent racism, but this is cops in the Bronx.
There's something about black people, they like picking at stuff.
He wasn't trying to be offensive.
He was being nice.
And he's like, they love chicken.
I don't like that.
I like steak.
I like when you get the food and it's there.
But they like picking away at stuff.
Like this, I had to have it...
Filleted, and then he took the spines out.
Like, go back to that video you were gonna show.
You see how little meat you get?
Yeah.
We let him handle you, okay?
I mean, it's nothing.
And that still has to be de-skinned, that piece he just took off.
And then it still has to get de-boned, like the spine part taken out.
So black people just have the whole bottom half of that.
And then I guess with the knife, you pick away the meat from the bones.
Hey, we're all different.
Different cultural tendencies.
But yeah, I did that all day today.
Boy, it was fun.
You have a sinker with a worm, and we had this worm with pincers on it, and we had blood worms too.
And then a clam.
Guess how much a little container of clam bait was?
Four bucks.
$13.
Jeez.
That's a robin fish.
Most fishermen just kill those because they don't have any natural predators.
They're too spiky.
And so they just eat all the babies and they ruin fishing for everyone.
So you catch that, you chop his, you open up his guts and you throw him back in.
What else do you got there?
That's a big fin.
Do they breach the water?
That's what I asked.
Do those fly?
No, they don't fucking fly.
I was like, well, I don't know.
What else you got there?
From our fun day.
Let's see.
This is Barry Beckett, my fishing buddy.
So he bleeds them first.
So we keep them in that little well, so they stay fresh.
Then we get to our destination to... to... to... whatever you call them.
Uh... Stab them?
What do you call it when you get the meat off?
Filet-em?
Filet-em?
Or... there's a better word for them, I'm sure.
I forgot it.
Anyway, you bleed them out, and that makes it... it makes it better.
So you let them swim around there in the blood for a bit.
They don't really die.
Hey Jihadists, if you're out there trying to convert fish, and you want to smite ye above their necks, that's not going to kill them.
Keep going.
It does hurt though, right?
This poor guy?
I'm sure it's wildly uncomfortable.
Keep showing fishing picks, fucklips!
I keep opening this up and...
Well, you learn to work preview.
Yeah, previews can be a bitch sometimes.
All right, so we got those.
Yep.
We got those.
And you just drag them onto the app.
There we go.
That's his boat.
You know, these boats that you see, these wheeler boats, they're like used or they can be 90 grand.
Oof.
That's fucking expensive.
What's that little blue thing there?
That's just for, it's for your drink and then some bric-a-brac like a lure or something like that.
Keep going.
Okay, Ryan, come on, dude.
We can see your whole background there.
What are you doing?
Every time I try to open it, it doesn't work.
Same thing with last time.
Remember last time?
Well, figure out a way to do it where it's not annoying to everyone in the world.
There's a crab?
You should have seen his weird little face.
Zoom in on him.
Not Barry, but the crab.
T-minus.
Oh, that's me.
Look at that.
He's got a weird little, you can't really see it there, but he's got a weird little beak.
A snout.
Yeah, it's got a tiny little mouth.
That seems like a shitty design.
I think God sometimes looks at some of his work and just goes, pfft.
That one sucks.
Is it an edible fish?
A crab?
I don't think so, no.
There he is again.
Let's speed this up, please.
A little slideshow.
Now you're showing everyone all the pictures.
Come on, we're killing the momentum.
That's either a flounder or a fluke.
I'm not sure which.
Those have to be like 13 inches before you can keep them.
Next.
Both eyes on one side.
Thanks, Ryan.
We've already seen that.
We've seen that.
So that's what I got from six 10 inchers.
And then show the pile of beer battered shit that you had on your stove.
You sent that to me, right?
Yeah, I emailed it to you.
Okay.
So I brought it all over to Ryan's and I said, I'm going into the studio, meet me later and bring tacos or we will warm them up at the studio.
And, uh, that's what we did.
And yeah, I don't think I have that one.
I think I sent it to you very recently.
It would be in your recent sends.
Sometimes I accidentally send these to myself, though.
The last one I got was the Compound Boss' tweet.
Okay.
No, it was before that, for sure.
Tweet, tweet.
I'm sending it to you now.
It's called Beer.
Gotcha.
But yeah, it turned out delicious.
It came out real good.
Now, I'm dubious of beer-battered anything.
Like, couldn't this be beer-battered dog shit, and we'd be talking about how yummy it is?
Possibly.
I believe the fish has a good amount of, like, innate flavor, though.
Yeah.
You can definitely tell what's just batter and what's just not.
Well, the black dudes were sure digging them.
We ended up just following their boat around.
Mmm.
Yeah, and then you got some cabbage, finely chopped, tossed in lime juice.
So how did you prepare that beer batter?
How does that work?
Explain that to the folks at home.
It's an easy little recipe there with flour, cornstarch, salt, chili powder, beer, and one egg.
And then you make the dry stuff, where you just flour, really just flour, and some salt and pepper.
Okay.
And then you, uh, you know, you take them, you put them in the flour, then you put them in the batter, and then you fry them.
It's really nice.
I've never cooked porgy before.
Don't you double dip them?
No, some people like to double dip.
I don't like to double dip.
So you take the fish.
Then you get too much breading on there.
You put it in flour, you get it all floury both sides, right?
And then you submerge it in the batter.
Mm-hmm.
And then you put it in the oil.
How much oil do you have?
How deep?
Like two or three inches.
Oh, really deep?
Like a deep fryer?
A lot of oil.
Mm-hmm.
I use my cast iron skillet, and then you just let that get real hot.
Don't put more than like six pieces in there, otherwise it'll cool the whole temperature down.
Oh, I see.
Mm-hmm.
And then what are you gonna do with that oil now?
You gotta put it in a Ziploc bag when it's completely cold, and then you throw it away.
This has been a long intro to get to tactical walls.
Tacticalwalls.com, 20% off for everyone who uses a promo code Gavin.
We've been building the new studio and I set up my Tactical Walls shelf there on the wall.
And again, the main thing they do is you can display your gun collection in a beautiful, easy to grab, fun way.
But they do a million different things.
The guy is a vet, very handy.
They made us that cool shelf that I put up in the new studio.
Places to hide your gun equipment in cool secret spots.
They also do stuff just for organizing your office and organizing your bike, your sports equipment.
Go to the site tacticalwalls.com and just peruse it.
And I guarantee you'll see something you like 20% off.
And you're supporting Patriots who support us.
Look at that.
Look at that variety.
So you're supporting someone who busts their ass, keeping America great, war vets who put their life on the line for this country, and you're helping them develop their business and help employ Americans during the pandemic.
I mean, it's win-win-win.
I can't see a scenario where going to tacticalwalls.com and using the promo code GAVIN doesn't benefit you and the country and this show.
So please do.
Also, a little note on yesterday's, our last show's sponsor, Nita Fashions.
I don't think I made it clear enough.
Maybe you can put this on the screen.
They don't go around the world anymore, or they won't until this pandemic ends.
So you contact them and set up an appointment.
So that's info at nitafashions.com.
No, no, that's an email address we want you to mail it to.
Info at netafashions.com.
Maybe it's on the site.
See if you can find it under contact.
Yeah, contact does.
Sales?
No, it's info we want.
So, I don't know.
Can you type that out and make it appear on the screen nice and big somehow?
I can put in post.
Definitely put in post.
Okay, well we're live now.
So just type it out in your email.
Go to your email and make an email that says info at netafashions.com.
See, this is why I was trying to grab you well before the show started.
So you go there, you make an appointment, all you need is a measuring thing, right?
You know, if you don't have that tailor's tape that has the numbers on it, like the tailor measuring thing-a-ma-doodle, you could just take a string, you do the measurement, and then you go to a measuring tape and you stretch it out.
You know what I mean?
So any shoelace, you go around the neck as he tells you to, you pinch that, then you undo it and then you lay it out on a measuring tape.
Anyway, you get all your measurements, you get your, the range of prices is great too.
You can get a $60 shirt that fits you perfectly, like pajamas.
You know how uncomfortable you are when you do the top button with your tie?
This is nothing.
If you can get your finger in there, it's all your suits become PJs overnight.
And that helps you in meetings.
It helps you be more successful at work because you're comfortable and you're not sitting there going, having a panic attack, dreaming of getting home and putting on your fucking sweatpants.
So, we got that done.
We've featured everything about the fish.
Man, I am fucking stuffed even from those few bites.
Really?
Oh, dang.
That's enough for Need of Fashions.
They're doing every second week.
I think we can start the show now.
Right?
We've done some promos.
We explained why there's a plate of fish tacos on the thing.
I showed you all the pictures of the fish.
Wait, did you show the picture of me holding my fish?
No, you didn't.
No.
Dude, you gotta figure out a way to fucking handle pictures.
Like, it's sub-1950s here.
Wait, we did see that.
You have the picture of me holding up my... Yeah, I remember that.
That?
You showed that one?
The zoom isn't right, but yes.
Well, I must have been looking down.
That's a good trick, by the way, when someone's photographing your fish.
You put it close to the camera.
You've got the face on the fish cropped.
Yeah, there we go.
He looks kind of freaked out, doesn't he?
Yeah.
Black people eat those by the dozens.
Pretty damn good.
Yeah, delicious.
The chicken of the sea.
All right.
This is a totally random thing that my buddy sent me.
And he was like, how is this hunting?
So it's an ad from some Chinese company.
This is a picture I sent you.
No, no, no.
Yep.
And it's obviously, you know, foreigners doing stuff, and they're talking about how great this flashlight is.
Lighting is kind of weird, right?
You sit on a car and you can, I guess, see the sky better?
No, you can't.
There's no flashlight that lights up the universe.
Walk?
Well, you mean walking, but okay.
Sold.
Gotcha.
Camping?
That looks amazing.
Camping is really cool.
Wow, you really lit up that place.
You can set up your tent in the dark.
Expedition, that looks more like spelunking, but sure, you could argue that's an expedition.
And then fishing, sure.
You already said camping, but okay.
Reading, yep.
Night walk, that's similar to walking.
And then the reason I brought this to the show, to your attention, is obviously human hunting.
What the fuck are you talking about, dude?
Hunting?
What are you hunting?
What's down the stairs?
A bear?
There's no animals down there!
And he doesn't have a weapon!
So I guess he's looking for people to kill.
It's a rapist.
Raping it should say.
This is a great raping flashlight.
Like woman pussy hunting.
I mean what else could that be?
There's no weapon involved and it's not a place animals go.
Anyway, cute ad for raping.
Also, and so this is the new thing at the beginning of the show is just random clown world news and silly things I've noticed on the World Wide Web.
Uh, Justin Trudeau, this is one too, has a shitty HP computer.
He probably has to use it because everyone in the government uses it and they have protocol.
But it's not cool, an HP or whatever it is, a Google Chrome pad or some shit.
But maybe you need all the different ports.
I don't have notes.
What?
You didn't get the notes?
Well, when you said you didn't have the opening song, I assumed that you had the notes, but you couldn't find the opening song.
Okay.
Well.
This is a problem.
It's in the scent?
No, it was never scent.
I didn't put scent.
So here's me making a mistake now.
The flashlight would have come in handy for this.
Although you could have said, hey, I didn't get the notes for today's show.
Sometimes live we don't do notes.
That's why I was like, oh.
We're going note-less.
So what he does is he puts, uh, try to just get to the picture next time and not show everyone the whole process.
You get me?
Like, even that's TMI.
But you can tell by the number of ports on the side that it's not any kind of MacBook.
They never have fucking ports, which is a very annoying feature.
I can't believe they do that.
I don't know why the fuck they do that.
Is that cool?
And so he sticks a fucking Apple sticker on it.
And you can see the HP through the Apple.
Oh yeah!
What an imbecile!
Why would you do that?
Like I can see doing that if you're 12 and you live in a trailer park and you're embarrassed that you're poor and all the kids have apples and you don't want to be known as the poor kid so you put a sticker on but you're gonna get made fun of.
You know what that reminds me?
Jump Ahead to 1-7.
Remember the commercial that was big?
I think it's gone viral since I saw you last but he swirls around and someone asks him about Israel.
And he says, yeah, you can ask that question if I can run you over first.
And then he goes, I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
Which, of course, no matter what Trump had said, if he made that joke, we wouldn't be hearing the end of it for about a week.
But someone pointed this out.
He's not driving.
Can he drive?
Fake election, fake news, and now fake driving.
And click on the next one because you can see they show, look.
What?
Oh.
There he is.
What the fuck?
We have a president who's running the free world.
He is the head of the most powerful machine on earth, America.
And he can't drive a fucking car in an empty parking lot.
That's pretty symbolic.
Isn't that amazing?
He's playing the passenger but in the driver's seat.
What is that stupid car?
I don't fucking know.
What is that dumb paint job?
Looks like that Zambian car that that kid made.
It looks like a bad guy from Batman.
Is that Car-Man?
Get it out of here.
Stupid paint job.
I built a car.
For the President of the United States.
Here's a funny story.
Today I learned that a man is suing TIL.
I asked Ryan what TIL is, he didn't know.
Correct.
He's supposed to be grunge.
He's supposed to be a young man.
In young vernacular, TIL is, today I learned, a Virginia man sued himself for $5 million, claiming that he violated his own civil rights by committing crimes and being sent to prison.
He asked the state to pay the $5 million on his behalf, since he was a ward of the state.
Dude, if that works, that is pretty awesome.
Isn't it?
Is there more to it than that?
No, looks like not.
Okay, so what's the Reddit?
What's the link?
Yeah, there we go.
Auto-litigation.
That's a thing.
In 1995, Robert Lee Brock, a guest at the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Virginia, sued himself in federal court for violating his own rights.
I caused myself to violate my religious beliefs.
Unsurprisingly, Brock turns out to be one of those inmates who files frivolous lawsuits repeatedly until a court finally tells him to cut it out, but normally those lawsuits are aimed at a laundry list of sometimes celebrity defendants.
That's probably why the judge, who dismissed this case, noted that he had presented an innovative approach to civil rights litigation.
The one drawback being that it was totally ludicrous.
Also, very important news.
I'm sure you're familiar with fear.
That's too many of us!
That's too many of us!
That's too many!
That's too many of us!
That's too many!
Let's start a war!
Remember that guy?
They were on SNL.
John Joseph of the Cro-Mags was at that show.
I think Ian McKay from Minor Threat was there, too, in the audience at SNL.
And they told him to fuck shit up and be punkers, and they did.
They wrecked the place.
They wrecked NBC Studios.
Great time.
Lee Ving was awesome.
But actually, don't show this picture.
Just look up fear Lee Ving.
Or fear SNL would be good too.
No, that's not it.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's right.
No, don't show that.
Show fear on SNL.
It's in the icon in the top left, Ryan.
That's what I clicked.
Oh, so they just used a shitty thumbnail.
Yep, those sons of bitches.
Fuckers.
That to me, I know this was like the 80s, I guess, but it seems to me to be very recent.
John Joseph and Ian McKay are in the audience right now.
I know this is a great day.
Hey, he's trans.
One of them, one of them.
How many stage do I have when there's six people in the crowd?
Okay, there he is.
Rockin' out.
And then I saw this picture from the other day and I went, holy shit, am I old.
Look at 1-4.
That's him today.
Pretty brutal, huh?
He's the one on the left, right?
No, the one on the right.
I can't even see that first guy in there.
Yes you can, the nose.
Whoa!
Time is officially passing.
Also in the news, very important, I sent you a lizard pic.
And it's a lizard hanging out with a leaf.
Now, I don't know what song you hear when you see this picture, but I hear Allison.
Who does that one?
It's 1-1 in the notes.
Oh.
Now look at this picture and listen to this song.
Don't lizards have cocks?
It kind of looks like Elvis Costello.
A little bit.
How did they do that?
Is that just luck or is that a dead lizard that someone got creative with?
Where's your dick, dude?
Maybe unsheathes.
Don't worry, we're gonna have some substance soon.
Let's jump into a TV segment.
Friends had a reunion and Matthew Perry was drunk for it.
Oh, this is him.
He's now marketing shirts.
White hoodies based on how wasted he was.
Are they broke?
Those people?
There he is.
Could I be more me?
He's looking pretty Lee Ving-y there himself.
Somewhat turgid.
You know, that's the problem with those boozers.
We get a little flushed.
We look like Pillsbury Doughboy.
Looks like Harlan Williams.
Click on the video though.
So jump ahead to where he's sitting there.
Yeah, there you go.
Go back a bit.
It's nice to reach out and touch base and have a call.
I mean, I'm speaking for myself because I'm the only one that doesn't live in California.
I live in New York.
So that's been nice.
While being a really close-knit group, we don't see each other, all six of us, a lot.
What does that remind me of?
I don't know.
A lot.
We don't see each other.
A lot.
Oh, it kind of reminds me of Martin Short where he's, I'm not that strong of a swimmer, but that's not, that's totally different.
I don't know why it reminded me of that.
It's just that Martin Short's characters are usually that sort of out of it.
Oh my god, that just reminded me of something I gotta send you.
Show him talking again and tell me that's not a Martin Short character.
We've only been together once, I believe, nine years ago, in the same room, until yesterday.
Okay, we're going to go fast.
I know this is fast and furious.
Wait, what are you doing?
Did they not let him speak very much?
He talks very little in it.
Yeah, it's almost like they knew he was bummed.
different obstacles and challenges.
And I think in those times, it's been nice to be able to reach out and touch base.
He talks very little in it.
Yeah, it's almost like they knew he was bombed.
Very supportive of this.
Very, very, very sexual.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what that was?
They said, so we're like siblings.
And he goes, very, very, very sexual.
Yes.
You mean like siblings?
Wait, go back.
It's really honest and it's really... What are you doing, Ryan?
You're driving me crazy.
Very sexual.
Go before that.
I would assume sisters are like... Like siblings, I would say.
Yeah.
Like siblings.
Very supportive.
Very, very, very sexual.
Yeah.
What is Joey now Armando Sante?
At its core.
What the fuck?
He's like an old Italian Hollywood guy now?
Yeah.
Dude, talk about embarrassing.
This guy comes to my gym.
He's new.
I've told you about him before, but I just can't get over it.
He's still coming in.
First thing he does is set up the auxiliary with the Bluetooth and gets his mix on and plays himself.
Himself doing trap music.
That sucks.
His song.
His band.
And then he's sitting there skipping rope or whatever in an area, in the weight area, which is not where you skip rope.
And there he is just grooving to himself.
Is it good?
I don't know.
I can't tell with that shit.
Yeah, true.
It sounds like all the other stuff, that's probably a good sign, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Let's play it safe.
You can do that once.
If you've been there for four months, and your band just has a new demo, you can pop it in the cassette player and be like, hey guys, sorry to bug everyone, but check out my new song.
Even that's kind of whack.
Right, it is whack.
Like, I feel like I would just directly email the person and say, hey, what do you think of this track?
Is he announcing it like, hey guys, this is me, or that's what gets him pumped up?
It's for him.
I think he's just, he can't have a dad.
That's the whole origin of, aren't you embarrassed?
Is these people with no dad.
So dads have never said, stop that, click, turn it off.
So he's just like, he's behaving the way you would behave if you were just alone on a desert island.
So yeah, it's all for him.
But if someone's impressed by it, yeah, sure, you should be.
It's really good.
But check out this thing I just sent you.
And then, you know what we'll do?
Yeah, we'll talk about TV shows and then we'll leave the free zone and get serious.
Okay, this is Ed Asner.
You're a little young to know who Ed Asner is.
He was in some Curb Your Enthusiasms, but he was in the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
I think he was the editor of the newspaper she worked at.
He was a grumpy old guy, but his background's comedy, straight man kind of comedy.
He's not very funny.
This is SCTV.
Which was a popular Canadian sketch comedy show that would lampoon terrible entertainment.
This is real, but it is as bad as an SCTV parody.
I cannot fucking believe this exists.
This is Ed Asner doing a one-man show about his prostate cancer scare.
Take it away, Ed.
Ed Asner in A Man and His Prostate.
As you have probably guessed from the title, this play concerns my prostate.
Picture me in an examination room.
Before I knew what was happening, Dr. Carini had his hand in a latex glove and one finger deep up my ass.
Asked to describe my symptoms.
I had to do so by combining English and Marcel Marceau.
To indicate that I was getting up nine times a night to take a piss, I went... Why couldn't he talk?
I was breaking wind in ways previously unheard of by the human ear.
There was a sonic boom, another brought to mind an elderly Vietnamese woman slurping her noodles.
Those are fake laugh tracks.
Look at the people in the audience.
Yeah, the audio is, they're laughing hysterically. - And letting me share my pot take with you.
- Wait, don't be-- - Vietnamese woman slurping her noodles. - Look at the one guy.
So she's amused.
He's like, what?
He doesn't know why he's there.
That guy is like, I better be fucking her tonight.
I'm going to be really mad.
He's almost pissed.
And then that guy, the guy in the glasses is like, I can see how that's amusing.
Yeah.
It takes some thinking.
There it is.
That's the one I was looking for.
I don't remember seeing one smile in there.
There could be.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Something fishy is going on here.
Because that's the same group.
And you can see at the top it sort of peters out.
Yeah.
Wait, is that all?
I think there might be 60 people there.
In total total.
And it's all his friends.
Oy vey, what a fucking embarrassment.
Is this new?
That's from last year.
Awesome.
Poor guy.
He's doing a one-man show but he can't stand or remember very long or memorize anything so he's just reading from some notes.
It's a book reading.
Yeah nice one-man show.
Speaking of TV.
I cannot get enough of my new hit show, Secrets Uncovered on Oxygen.
I mean, I've always said fiction is for fags.
You go to see these things.
I saw this one the other night called Plot Twist about this guy, drama club guy, and they find out he was using the ATM of some dead dude.
And you go, what was all that about?
Well, we didn't know he was dead at the time and, uh, uh, he killed his girlfriend and that's, it's, they're really long.
They can be like an hour and a half.
So they take, you got to do them in small dose, I mean, in dosages.
But, uh, you're watching and you're like, oh, I get it.
Some ex-Marine, uh, or sorry, some Marine, no, no, it's just thinking of the ex-Marine.
Some Marine, uh, wanted to fuck his girlfriend.
She had broken up with him, so he killed her and then he went on the run.
Got it.
Okay.
Wait, we're only a third in?
Then you find out.
No, some psycho drama club kid wanted his ATM card so he killed him.
Then he killed the guy's girlfriend to make it look like The first thing I just said happened and he sawed off the head of the Marine and after stabbing literally shooting him in the back of the head and cut him into pieces and then threw the pieces into various places all over town and you go wow that's not even close to what I thought at the beginning.
Then there's a third act And you find out the girlfriend, um, this is another great one.
I haven't seen this one.
I bet it's awesome.
The girlfriend had basically brainwashed him into murdering the guy.
This is not, that's not the episode, but that's good too, I'm sure.
So he ends up doing life.
I think he, I think he gets the electric chair.
I'm not sure.
And then she gets 14 months for accessory to murder.
Awesome show.
I know I'm a chick.
I didn't realize chicks were watching such cool shit.
They do watch a lot of murder stuff.
They love murder stuff.
Are you just getting into this for the first time?
Yes!
Yeah, because I never liked that stuff, but I figure that comes with age maybe.
No, I just find it's chick stuff.
It's like sucking dicks.
It's not my cup of tea.
But it is murder and shit.
I just started sucking a dick and went, oh my God, these are delicious.
Where have you been all my life, erect cock?
But it's true.
Now, I tell you what turns me off is that white haired dude whose hair is like this and he reads you a bedtime story and he goes, Claire didn't know.
She was gonna find out where her dinner was coming from.
Would it be from a friend?
Or would it be from a long lost love?
Can you just tell the fucking story and stop reading bedtime shit to me?
But he's an integral part of the show.
He's in at least, I don't know, a third of the episodes.
So that's a great show you should check out.
Then I also saw these two TLC shows.
One was Finding Sister Wives.
I'm not sure that's the exact name.
You can just look this shit up on YouTube.
I'm gonna watch them on green screen because they are bizarre.
So finding sister wives you just presume oh it's some weird like Amish whatever Salt Lake City Mormon thing and I don't know that religion I don't know that culture but they've been doing it for generations and it's just weird and none of my beeswax.
Then you watch and you go no they're just normal people who want to have a ton of wives.
What?
Oh, she's trying to get citizenship.
So she'll marry them and then split.
I was going to publicity school.
Oh, she's trying to get citizenship.
So she'll marry them and then split.
I was going to publicity school.
Eww, that kiss!
So then there's another, there's a black dude who talks about his kingdom, and he doesn't, he's anti-gay. - So when the, when the girl that he's interviewing says, I'm a lesbian, I'm bisexual, he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's fucked up.
What?
I assumed you were in this for the orgies, but he's not.
Dude, that whole show.
Oh, that's him.
Wait, is it?
This whole show is just a great example of how depraved we've become.
What a tangled web we weave when we try to reinvent the wheel.
Traditionalism is corny.
Marriage is gay.
I'm not doing it.
I've got a new thing.
And you go, all right, what are you doing?
What are you throwing out?
What are you replacing our society with?
And then you look at it and you go, oh my God, you're monsters.
You're disgusting, weird monsters.
Ew, look at her touching her toes.
Is that someone filming their TV?
That's unlistenable.
So communication started to break down and stress was at an all time high for all of us That's someone filming their TV that's a miss Okay, so that's a show we we got to get deeper into finding sister wise because the dudes are fucking losers There's this weird beta dude with a little goatee and he wears a vest and a soft little sweatshirt.
You know those sweatshirts?
I hate these sweatshirts where the hood is all thin like sock material.
If you're going to wear a hoodie, that's because it's cold out.
So you put the big hood up and now you're warm.
You're protected from the elements.
But these new hoodies where it falls on your head like Darth Vader's boss?
Yeah.
It's infuriating.
They do suck.
What's it for when there's a slight breeze?
Like when it plummets from 72 degrees to 68 degrees?
Is that when you put on your little flim flam?
Okay, last show.
It's this albino adoption show.
Adopting albinism or something?
Just look up albino TLC adoption or something.
And these people adopt kids.
Great!
I think it's great that you adopt kids.
Thank you for doing that.
We don't want them in orphanages.
You provided them with a home.
You're awesome.
And then you go, wait a minute, why are you only adopting albinos?
And you think, is this?
Like, they're coming across as heroes.
Thank you so much for doing this.
Um, can you not find it?
Hmm.
Look up, did I, did you type in albinism?
Yeah, that was the first one.
Adopting albinism?
Oh, true life?
I'm an albino?
No.
No, no.
It's on TLC?
I'm pretty sure it's on TLC, yeah.
I'll find it.
It's about adopting albinos?
Could it be on Netflix?
Hmm, I don't think so.
But anyway, say you have six, you adopt six kids, and they're all albinos, save one.
Like, I guess the rationale is we want them to be comfortable around other albinos.
Look, albinos... I say you're in a house with a hundred albinos.
The second you walk outside, you're a freak.
So, you better get used to it, okay?
You can't go out when it's too sunny, you're gonna burn.
You look weird.
That's them.
What's their show called?
Born With Albinism.
Born With Albinism.
So, it gets to the point where they're just collecting them, I think.
Whoa.
And we're the Grabowskis.
And we collect freaks.
I don't think I can do anything more than that!
We're the Grabowskis!
We met at college.
We were good friends for about eight months.
And then we officially started dating.
We got married a year later.
Married a year later.
Yep, the rest is history.
Making pancakes.
Making pancakes.
Very much.
Okay, so that is just- Wait, wait, wait.
Stop.
What the fuck?
What the fuck were you just doing?
That was not a pancake.
And what were you doing?
A little dance with it?
Tapping at it?
Yeah.
What is that?
You know.
Oh, she's taking an edge off to eat.
Oh.
That's her first pancake she's ever made.
That's not the physics of a pancake that I'd like to eat.
Yeah, what are you doing?
Very much.
Okay, so that is just with buckwheat flour.
It just makes them look kind of gray.
Oh, okay.
The kids like them?
Yeah, they do.
Or they've gotten used to them.
Okay.
Who puts buckwheat in your pancakes?
What a bummer.
Why don't you have a wheat chocolate bar while you're at it?
Oh wait, sorry, go back.
So we had some kids and they died in a horrible electric flash.
We have two biological children.
Our oldest is Micah and he's 21.
And our second oldest is Alex and he is 19.
So after we had both of our boys, we did try to have a girl for a while and that didn't work out.
So she's got empty nest syndrome.
And we knew that China had so many little girls who were in orphanages, and they told us after the paperwork was submitted that it would be six to eight months before we were matched with a little girl.
And so I dreamed of, you know, this little petite, brown-eyed, dark-haired little girl.
And I opened my inbox on my email one day and it said, we have a referral for you.
Up pops up this child with white hair and pale skin and blue eyes.
Uh-oh.
No thanks.
They just blocked him.
That's a tough sell, dude.
I mean...
But I get it if they're good Christian souls and they go, okay, this guy's having trouble finding a home, we're not assholes, we'll take him in.
That's cool, we advocate that.
It's when you have six more, we start getting curious.
And that wasn't the same child that I've been thinking about all this time, but we switched gears.
I mean, within moments, we're responding, yes, yes, yes.
That's the kind of people we are.
Okay, so fine.
I'm not telling you to stop.
I'm telling them to stop.
Fine.
You got it.
You got it, kid.
You were cool enough not to be freaked out by the albinism.
Now stop.
But no.
Buckwheat again.
Buckwheat again.
She likes buckwheat.
Okay, do you like the buckwheat?
An albino sister again.
Do you think it's kinda weird that they're kinda gray?
Yeah, I said that the first time we had- Is that a dig on her?
Don't you think it's weird that they're grey and white?
Do you think it's kind of weird that they're kind of gray?
Yeah.
I said that the first time we had them.
I'm Lily.
I'm 11 years old, and I was the first to be adopted.
Boy, this is a long fucking tweet.
Tweet, yeah.
It's a tweet.
Thanks.
Yeah, we're familiar with albinos.
which is an inherited genetic condition, which causes light hair, light skin.
- Yeah, we're familiar with albinos.
- Albinism is an extremely rare condition that affects approximately one in 18 to 20,000 people in the United States. - See, this is what I'm talking about.
You know these parents with the trans kids where they're collecting children like action figures and putting them on a shelf?
I think there's this bizarre tendency just like the previous show where I said what a tangled web we weave and then we get into this depraved like sister-wife shit.
I think we're so okay with everything that when someone develops a bizarre compulsion to collect humans, a certain, and by the way, she dresses them in all white.
Yeah.
So she'll have, like, I don't, they probably won't show it in this clip, but she'll, there's like seven or eight of them living in her house now and they're all in all white, top to bottom.
What the hell?
Wait, let's see the end of that.
And it can affect anyone in the world, regardless of skin color and race.
Thanks.
Anybody up yet besides you?
I don't think so.
Most people are familiar with the term albino, but what they don't realize is that that term can be offensive or derogatory.
So now she has an oppressed child.
Right.
Now she's oppressed.
Love me, love my person of no color.
That I own and I collect.
Anyway, we'll be getting deeper into that fucking bizarre show because just like that handsome dude who would interview handicapped people and he's like, I'm talking to someone today with no fucking face.
And you go, that's cool of you, I guess.
I'm assuming you have a variety of guests.
And then you notice that a hundred percent of his guests are brutally disfigured.
And then he comes and he's the star of the show because he's so kind to speak to them.
And then he comes across a guy whose body ends here, but the guy's kind of an alpha.
An alpha stub?
And he's like, so how many of these interviews do you do, man?
And how long have you been doing it for?
And the guy's like, I tend to run the show here.
And all of a sudden, he's not the super sweet guy pandering to the severely disfigured person.
And he loses his identity.
And you realize this isn't about them.
This is about you virtue signaling.
You fucking weirdo.
You're collecting freaks.
I mean, is that what Howard Stern does with his Whack Pack?
How is this different from a Whack Pack?
This guy is like a homicidal maniac.
Not him.
He survived some horrific burn.
And look at him!
I'm so cool to talk to these people like they're human. - It's hard for me to fathom that I'm this person compared to how I used to be.
And now since I've reached this level of confidence, I wanna do that for others and help them get there.
I find joy in almost anything and I love to make fun of people, especially myself.
Imagine he's like, okay, let's go.
Let's go, you and me.
I love to roast people who are ugly.
Here, you get me and I'll get you one.
Well, that's a Key and Peele sketch, right?
Where the guy's in a wheelchair in the audience and he goes, roast me and he's speaking to you.
He said, you told me to roast you and he's like, I thought I could handle it, but I can't.
All right, we're about to go behind the Pizzay wall, but before we go, I would like to say thank you to our oldest running sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD, constantly harassed by Antifa and the SJW freaks, the tattletale journalists who pray for our demise every day, try to hack through our servers, try to fucking destroy this company.
It's so weird that we've been sequestered to a corner of the internet where we can't be on YouTube and we can't have social media and all that, and we go, okay, We'll build our own thing there.
And they just keep hammering us and removing our payment processors.
We get a new payment processor.
We sue people who take our credit card info.
When Stripe tried to take our credit card info, we threatened to sue them.
Got it all back.
Constantly fighting for the back end, just like Crowder is with his suing YouTube.
And all of these sites have to constantly go through this.
And the other thing they do is they attack our advertisers.
So when you see Johnny Apple here, for all of these years, you know that not only are they selling quality CBD, which includes isolates and waxes, supplements, Pet friendly CBD tincture.
Topicals, cookies, the cartridges, the stem vaporizer, the gummies for sleeping.
The only thing I haven't tried is the gummies.
I'm going to start trying those because I can't seem to sleep through the night.
I keep waking up at like 4.30 thinking of the worst things in the world.
Like what if my son gets sick or something?
Do you guys get that?
Is that a normal thing?
The night terrors?
This one has nighttime gummies with combined melatonin.
Precisely.
I'm going to try that and get back to you next week.
But yeah, thank you for putting up with all these assholes harassing you, johnnyapple.com.
And then people say to us, you give us confusing messages.
Is it johnnyapple.com or is it jacbd.com?
The answer is yes.
They were smart enough to get both URLs.
So, when you use the promo code Gavin, you get 20% off everything at JACBD.com.
That's JohnnyApple.com.
Promo code Gavin.
Thank you to them for sticking by us all these years.
And, what was I gonna say?
Thanks to them for sticking by us all these years?
They did stick by us, yes.
And, oh yeah, and when you go to JohnnyApple.com, you're helping to support the show.
So don't get your CBD anywhere else.
Go to tacticalwalls.com, go to Nita Fashions, and go to johnnyapple.com.
Okay?
Because we need your help, too.
We need your support to keep doing this shit.
Anyway, we're now going to go through to the paywall.
We've got a few more things to discuss.
And then we're going to take some calls.
And for you folks here just getting the freebie, the weekly freebie on the podcast, we end all shows with get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
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