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April 22, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:02:54
GOML LIVE #95 - THEY'RE WINNING
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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Up 11 with Kevin McGinnis.
We know the Lord, we see the Lord, we true Lord, strong and free from I could have sworn when I was a kid it was with glowing hearts we see the Christ,
the true Lord, strong and free.
That was O Canada, hit from my hometown.
Yeah, I think they changed it to be less Christy.
I also remember with the Lord's Prayer, we would go, Our Father in heaven, hello, my name, the kingdom of heaven, will be down in the earth in heaven.
Give us daily bread and forgive us the trespass we've gone to trespass against us.
And lead us out of savage, deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.
Did you do that?
I don't remember that part.
The kingdom and the power and the glory?
No, they must have done that.
They must have done the change before Little Rye Guy was born.
But in French here, the battle cry for Christ and King, yeah.
Original French version.
Back to O Canada?
Yep.
So with glowing hearts, we see the Christ.
Is that what it says?
For Christ and King, I'm only saying there.
Wait, what are you talking about, Ryan?
That's the French national anthem, you absolute retard.
O Canada.
Oh, Canada, beneath the shining seas.
Yeah, the original our home and a native land.
Original patriot love with all our sons command.
With glowing hearts, we see the Christ, the true Lord, strong and free.
Anyway.
I'm mad at Christ this week.
Just kidding.
It'd be funny if you're like mad at Christ.
That's pretty metal, but it's not the best where to be.
Jesus Christ is in my bad books this week.
No, he's not.
Can we stop printing out color pictures?
I'm cheap.
This is like printing out color on a home printer or a studio printer is as bad as messing with a man's thermostat.
Notes from the ad guy, please don't read on air.
I hope you have a great show.
We'll get listeners one and two.
A really nice prize pack from Johnny Apple since yesterday was $4.20.
Could you not bust my chops anymore when I say I want to send pizza?
Where I come from, I want to send you a pizza means like how you say I like you more than a friend.
I had my friends at the MYPD vet the last joint I sent you a pizza from.
I'm not sending a pizza with Antifa chovies, bro.
You're my favorite client.
Pizza's what, bro.
That's not true.
He's lying.
There's no way that the MYPD were familiar with the pizza joints near our studio.
No way he found that.
He doesn't kid.
You're a liar.
Let's jump into Tactical Walls.
Happy, belated 420 mon.
Sorry.
This episode of Gmail is brought to you by Johnny Apple CBD.
Callers one and two are getting the 420 Johnny Apple CBD prize pack and some other stuff from the ad guys prize wheel just because.
This is a 420 poem from Johnny Apple.
Wait, this is a Johnny Apple ad, Ryan.
I know it's weird that he jumped into taxes.
He did do it a little jumping.
That's okay.
I'm not sure why he did that.
But I think he may have written this without permission from Johnny Apple.
So this does not reflect the views of Johnny Apple?
Milo Iianopoulos has some sort of lawsuit going on where this guy, he claims that he gave Milo like 50 grand to do like a telethon uncensored.
And I don't think he did it.
Well, he didn't do it.
So this guy calls all our advertisers and harasses them.
He wants this money and all our contributors and everyone.
He hasn't called me very much.
I'm not sure why.
And he wants Milo to give him the money back.
So I assume Tactical Walls and Johnny Apple have been getting harassed by this guy who claims Milo owes him 50 grand.
Which means when you see our advertisers know that they have been berated and harassed on a regular basis, that's not unlike...
Sorry, that is unlike any other show.
When you see most advertisers outside of, say, Tucker Carlson, they're just advertising and they're promoting a thing and that's it.
Not at G-O-M-L.
You son of a bitch.
We also have a person with Down syndrome writing the ad copy.
I didn't write the ad copy at all.
That was our ad guy.
Right.
We have many people with Down syndrome who work here.
There's a lot of extra chromosomes floating around.
Make a whole new fucking whole ass person with these extras.
So here's his poem he's written on behalf of Johnny Apple CBD.
Johnny Apple is a sexy guy.
His CBD is the number, and this is why it helps you sleep when you are stressed.
That's why Johnny Apple is the best.
And then he writes, Nothing Rhymes with Shit on My Chest.
That actually wasn't that bad, dude.
No, it's good.
That poem sucked, he says, but the CBD is tremendous.
So go buy some Johnny Apple and show our guys love.
Go to jacbd.com.
Enter promo code Gavin.
And today, you're getting 35% off everything for 420.
These Johnny Apple guys are like us politically.
If you support me, support Johnny Apple CBD.
We're coming up on two years of Johnny being on the show with us.
And it is basically 420.
Treat yourself to some excellent CBD and feel as great as I do, biz chiz.
Go to jacbd.com, enter promo code Gavin, and today you're getting 35% off everything for 420.
Then he writes, I'm Gavin McInnes with a question mark.
I'm not sure what that means.
jacbd.com enter promo code gavin 35 off everything for 420.
cool that's not what you do when you bring a woman to a new country 3000 miles away you're a dick so how did they get here i totally understand That being in the turd world, but how did it get here?
They're just hardworking people.
Okay, how did they get here?
Are they illegals?
How did Chinese illegals get here?
It's far.
I get how Mexicans do it.
Anyway, so that woman there, so in my neighborhood, there's some black woman who drives around to Honda Civic, and she will go through the recycling and take the cans.
And so the people who this app has been tested on have said, I feel bad for her.
And the guy who told it to me, he didn't understand, or I don't think he understood, how horrifying that is to say.
Like, if you care about them, care about that woman right there, go give her $100 and fuck off.
Right.
Like, don't sit there in your living room and open the curtains and go, she's enjoying my gift.
I'm letting my garbage that I let her rifle through.
And then they go over, they close the curtains and then just, you know, lock the deadbolt just in case she gets any crazy ideas.
You fucking, you are so pourgeois.
You're such a fucking aristocrat that you think you are helping the poor by allowing them to rifle through your fucking garbage?
People don't even pity raccoons.
So they're sub-raccoon the way they look at.
They're a true level of unawareness.
If you think you're helping by allowing the poor to sift through your fucking garbage, you suck.
I want to fight the guy who said that.
I should say to the dude who brought it up, I should be like, yeah, I also have that problem.
I'm worried about my garbage pickers not getting enough.
I'd love to talk to him about it.
What's his name again?
I like him too, but I don't know if I like him that much.
I'm sorry.
And you know, I had a few beers over at Anthony's, so maybe this doesn't sound as crazy to you as it does to me, but like, I'm worried about my garbage being me sifting my own garbage because basically what they're saying is, it's such a wonderful thing that I do for the community,
which is allow them to touch my fucking garbage.
I'm worried about my new toilets.
I liked that the poor could go through my shit and pick out kernels of corn and feed their family, but now that the shit goes right into the septic tanks, I feel bad for them.
They can't sift through my feces.
Are my nuts?
Does that make you mad?
It makes me fucking furious.
Oh.
Oh, the cans.
I'm so worried about the cans.
You know what it also said?
What?
I was just looking at Shiz Mabin.
It's gone.
It's gone.
Somebody.
You just stabbed me in the chest with a rapier.
It's bad.
Please be kidding.
Maybe you haven't logged in right.
See, this is how our brains work.
We don't accept the truth.
No, you know what I did?
I looked up to see...
He spelt it wrong.
That's bad, man.
I checked to see if they exist on Facebook or Twitter or if they have another account.
Nothing.
That's crazy.
You just typed it in wrong.
A friend named Wymed, viewer of the show, let me know.
Okay, that's you.
There it is.
You got it wrong.
Okay, that happened.
That didn't happen, folks.
Ryan's made a mistake again.
So, you know, I tried to search for it.
It's definitely there, okay?
I'm just going to look at my phone.
Shizmobin.
This guy, he's such a joke.
I even tried to look.
Maybe they have a Reddit.
He's a very silly boy.
There's no Reddit there.
As Biden would describe him, he's that funny Japanese boy.
Anything you click.
Oh, I see a YouTube.
Shiz.
Shizm.
Shizma.
Shizmab.
What's happening here?
What the fuck happened?
It seems to be gone, you see.
That hurts.
That hurts.
Now, this is good.
Okay.
12 subscribers.
I don't know when they joined.
Let's see.
Joined 2013.
This is not the same Shizmabin.
A year ago, they posted this.
Shizmabin is Shizgabin.
It's Shizgabin.
That fucking hurts.
You know why?
Here's another Shizzin.
Shizmabin's gone.
Too much truth.
Yep.
Too much raw footage of Hood.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Hood fight in East.
You know what?
Maybe he'll be more active on his YouTube because this might be it.
Hood fight in East New York, and his thing is 718 East New York.
So although this was eight years ago, this is shismobin content right here.
This is what we know and love him for.
Rest in peace.
That was a good punch.
Not that guy, but Shismobin.
As I said on Anthony's, sorry, on my show with Anthony today, I saw these junkies at Penn Station, and I was just like, I should just start fighting them.
Trying out new moves.
They're standing there like weird, stupid statues.
Why not try it?
Is it even assault?
No.
When someone's like...
I think you get...
Maybe they would charge you with accelerating the inevitable.
Look.
Is that your name?
Accelerating the inevitable?
When'd you become such a fucking geek?
Since I'm donning my outfit.
Okay.
It's my falling up.
Okay, mid-roll.
Tactical walls.
This was Anthony's tweet on that same thing about...
It was brutal, man.
Past 20 George.
He's coming from Penn Station.
I'm on 35th and 7th.
Totally different.
Well, it's like a block away, but just like fucking junkies, man.
Pre-Giuliani, New York.
Gavin, please don't read this out loud.
It's from Tactical Tim, the guy behind Tactical Walls.
Uh-oh.
So edit this out.
We're not live, are we?
We are live.
In the last show, Ryan was showing our website while Gav was doing the read.
Ryan happened to be on our VMOD page where we build systems and land cruisers.
We got a VMOD order this week from a customer who called and let us know he ordered because of Gavin's show.
Thank you guys.
However, Ryan's face is distracting.
He is one of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my life.
He looks like one of the weird creatures from Men in Black.
Is it possible when you are doing these reads for tactical walls, you avoid showing his face?
Oh, wow.
I resent that.
Also, it says, who built his teeth?
Edward scissor hands?
I don't even know what that means.
That doesn't make any sense.
They're saying my teeth are so awful that the craftsmanship was done by a man, Johnny Depp, who has hands that are scissors.
That's fucking terrible.
I know.
I think that's not true.
No wonder they didn't want us to read that aloud.
Yeah, I wish you didn't either.
I regret it.
I think.
Can we change this in post?
This is live.
This is live.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
That's terrible.
Eigen's too good for you.
You have hurt me today.
Thank you guys, the audience, for interacting with Tactical Wallace and Tactical Tim.
Great team over there.
Please keep this up.
Tactical Tim and the Tactical Team will customize anything you want to keep the family safe.
Please show the customized merchandise Tim has sent.
Tactical...
The customized merchandise Tim has sent.
Well, we have the shelf.
We can't show that again.
Although the graphic is the shelf.
And, of course, we have our trophy there.
Tactical Walls doesn't just do gun stuff, though.
The Mod Wall system from Tactical Walls can be used to organize your sporting goods, outdoor equipment, and your tools.
And guitar, if you're Ryan Katzu Rivera, but Shredmaster 5000 or anyone else who jams.
Wow, it sounds like this Tactical Tim, despite your hideous looks, likes you.
He does.
Right now, my listeners get 20% off all orders at TacticalWalls.com with promo code Gavin.
Hide anything you need with TacticalWalls.com, promo code Gavin.
Even if you need to hide your wife, hide your kids, because someone's trying to cash you outside.
How about that?
The team at Tactical Walls will help keep your family safe.
I have a feeling that our copy writer is Chicago-based, whereas Tactical Walls is more southern.
TacticalWalls.com, promo code Gavin.
And then it says I'm Gavin McInnes again with a question mark.
I don't get that joke.
And then last time, tacticalwalls.com, promo code Gavin.
We've got some post-roll mention coming up here where you're meant to go to bubbandhanks.com and buy some wagyu ground beef for the Father's Day burgers.
Use promo code Gavin and get 20% off.
Chartered here for a small business.
Support the West.
Wagyu beef in the business.
Don't be a Wales vagina.
I am Gavin McInnes.
Our ad guy is a good guy.
Hardworking dude.
He's also a very unusual gentleman.
Sure.
He brought us Wayne Dupree.
He says, I am Gavin McInnes on a regular basis in the ad copy.
He's just now finally figured out not to write www.
Yeah, it took a little bit of a hint.
You do a good imitation of him.
Listen, I mean, you guys are our favorite.
You know, I mean, you know, we had the thing with the other guy.
I don't even want to mention his name, but dude, let me buy you a pizza, bro.
I mean, it's going to be, like, he's actually Sebastian-esque.
Chicago is kind of a thing.
They got a thing.
He's got a Menescalco thing?
Yeah.
Aren't you embarrassed?
I was writing the ad copy and I was like, what are you doing?
That's what he sounds like.
Who writes a review?
WW, dad?
I go to a restaurant.
I go, the tuna sucks.
Let's get out of here.
Who goes home and types out a fucking review?
Aren't you embarrassed?
The fucking voice crack gets me.
Look at this beautiful piece of artwork.
From GML Live, number 88.
Season 14, episode 88.
JK.
Great story.
All right, should we take some calls?
Should we do this thing?
Oh, well, you already know.
Let's do this thing.
Rest in peace, shizmopping.
This is how we're going to keep it fun.
Anytime a call gets remotely boring, we're going to cut you off.
Unless it's chicks.
Yeah.
It's weird how many chicks listen to our show because I consider the show pretty sexist.
I mean, I did say on last episode that women should not have a voice.
That's pretty bad.
Well, I did support the Taliban.
Okay.
That's pretty bad.
But I think the women who watch this show tend to be housewives, tend to be moms, and they know how much I revere them and how thankful I am that they made humans.
And I don't think a lot of people recognize that.
Like when I see a woman with a kid, I go, what the fuck?
You made that?
Thank you.
That's what chivalry is based on, by the way.
When you open the door for a woman or when you get up so she can sit down, it's saying thanks for continuing the species.
You're incredible.
You're magic.
Your vagina made a human.
Which is why I'm going to start saying on the train before I get up.
Are you going to be having kids?
On the train?
What?
No, no, no.
No, ever.
Because I want to get up.
But if you're not ever having kids, or you're a lesbian or whatever, well, then you're me.
And if you're me, then I'm just you.
I'm already here.
Who got here faster and got a chair.
So I'm sitting down.
Don't worry.
You're already here.
If you're a magical being who makes children.
By the way, you may have noticed my new shirts say GM.
That's so I know which ones are big enough for my new.
I don't want to say fat neck.
I want to say ripped neck.
Yep.
I'm ripped now.
Oh, and Coulter just put this out.
Look at this.
This is in St. Mark's.
I was just there like a few hours ago.
Oh, boom.
Oh, dude.
We have to start warning people.
Did you see that blood?
Nope.
I looked away.
And fuck you, bitch.
And what's the point of that?
What the hell is that?
What was that about?
A million things.
Really?
Could it?
Of course.
That's not random.
I don't think it's random.
Yeah, it doesn't look random.
It looks execution style.
She's like jealous.
She's seeing.
We assume it's love.
It's always love or money, right?
So it could be that she got that girl's boyfriend.
They both seem like women.
Oh, that is cold and heartless.
Yeah, well, what about the baby?
My son, my eight-year-old son, goes, is it true a baby got shot?
Oh, wow.
It's like, yeah.
Was that in New York City?
No, no, no.
I think South Carolina.
But we're going to hear zero about that shit.
And we're going to hear zero about Michaela and how she had been abandoned by everyone around her.
Totally abandoned.
Just like George Floyd.
The closer you get to the person, the less they care.
And the mother abandoned her and went to foster care.
That's why you see the mother doing these interviews where she's like, yeah, yeah, she's, well, she was named after like a kind of African like warrior kind of a thing.
And very peaceful.
She was very peaceful.
And she was kind of motherly, if I recall.
I hadn't seen her in a while.
But yeah, motherly.
I thought she was pretty cool.
I thought she was pretty cool.
And then they cut to her aunt.
She was a woman of power and circumference.
She dictated her asquiescence on a regular basis to each and every one of us around her.
Okay.
Well, the mom abandoned her to foster care.
Why don't you scoop up the pieces?
Where were you?
And as I was saying on the show with Aunt today, it's particularly hard on a kid to be abandoned when you're poor and black because they don't really do that as much.
Of course, the dads walk out, but as far as the cousins and the aunts and the grandparents, blacks and Hispanics tend to pick up the pieces and go, yeah, you can stay here.
The why of things.
I don't think rich whites do that.
I am a woman.
I am black.
So yeah, let's take some calls.
Okay, we got Vladimir.
Vladimir.
Hello.
Hello.
I want to make relations with you with my heels on.
Sounds good.
Let's do it.
Good.
I wondered what your opinion was.
I was talking with employee, fellow employee, and he was saying that this following Tuesday is going to be the rapture.
I say no.
I do not think this is so.
I was wondering your opinion on said rapture and if that's like, you know, if you think a rapture is coming or whatever, I don't know.
There's not President Donald Trump.
Thanks for calling.
You can't break character, dude.
You got to keep it.
You got to commit to the bit.
No, I don't think a rapture is coming.
There's not going to be a rapture.
There's not going to be a rapture.
We're not going to be defined by fear is not going to be a thing where we're not scared of people and women and equality and that's not going to be a thing.
There's not going to be a President Donald Trump.
What is this?
It's like an all-shuck.
Was it a 37-hour press conference, George?
I'm getting tired here at this 37-hour press conference.
Donald Trump will be president when pigs fly.
Next call.
We have Johnny and Kevin's Big Deke.
Did I read that right?
Yo.
Hey guys, how's it going?
Hey, man.
No, it was actually Gavin's Big Dick.
You were telling the story the other day about your dad and how he's at the bar.
He's got a giant meter that was like a big one.
Big package, yeah.
Big package.
So there was this, there's this clip I sent it to you guys in the mailbag of Prophet Sebastian Bach on Phil Anselmo from Pantera.
And he told a pretty funny story about Phil Anselmo's pick.
Maybe you guys want to check it out.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time.
All right, thanks for calling.
Let's check out Finn Phil Anselmo, who is one of the funniest people I've ever met.
He talks about, what's his name from Corrosion of Conformity, who he played with, Pepper.
And he calls him Coke Stradamus, because when he gets high on Coke, he has all these wise predictions about the world, and they're not that wise.
And he lies a lot, Pepper does.
But Philanselmo's a fucking hilarious dude.
Speaking of uncertain, the mansion is known to be well hung.
I mean, I don't know how to.
Only because you were telling a really funny story the other night, the rainbow.
Like, you know, you're up there in the rough world.
I'm known to have a big one.
Tell the story.
Things were better back then.
Can you imagine that discussion on anything today?
Wasn't that MTV?
No, that was VH1 Classic.
That was that novel show.
VH1.
What am I then?
What am I five years old?
What do I care about this?
I'm going to have fucking ketchup on my seven inches long.
Who cares?
How big?
It was this dude, Mark Ryan.
He's that big.
You know, remember the girl I told you about where my friend was fucking her and there was a condom in her pussy that was not his?
He pulls it out and he goes, who's a condom in your pussy?
And she goes, I know, that's bugged out, right?
Now that was, the whole story there was Puerto Ricans.
Yeah, totally.
And Trevor and Mark in like 1999, they go, wait a minute, there's all these Puerto Ricans everywhere.
No one knows them.
Only like blacks know them.
What about some white guys start like hitting on them?
And he goes, great idea.
Like the land of Z. They became explorers like Indiana Jones.
And they just started going up to Puerto Ricans.
Random white dudes.
Mark was from New Jersey and Trevor's from Florida.
And they were like, hi, what's going on?
My name's Trevor.
And they'd never spoken to a white guy before.
This is the thing about New York City.
Oh, it's a melting pot.
The beastie boys go, yo, we all get together on the subway.
Black, Dominican, Puerto Rican.
We're all best friends and we all hang out.
That's fucking complete horseshit.
It's different pieces of paper, different planes.
Hasidic Jews don't know any Puerto Ricans, even though they're their neighbors.
Don't know any middle-class whites.
They don't know any Jews.
Like, there's zero diversity.
There's no melting pot in New York.
Gays, everyone has their districts.
And if you're in an area where that other group isn't normally, it could be a fight.
It's a big deal.
What are you doing out of your territory?
So they are attractive.
I'm not going to lie.
So they started going up to Puerto Ricans.
And then Mark was fucking one, and she had a condom in her pussy that was not his.
And then she said, that's bugged out, right?
While chewing gum.
She had big pigtails.
But the reason I bring up this concept of the Puerto Ricans and going up to them is for a very, very important reason.
And I resent that a lot of subscribers right now are thinking I forgot why I brought up this subject.
And I got to be honest.
I'm insulted.
That hurts because I did remember.
And it was, I was at a bar with Mark and see if you can look up Mark Ryan.
I wonder if anything comes up.
He came with this brilliant graffiti name when he started doing graffiti.
You know what it was?
What?
Mark Ryan.
He wrote Mark Ryan as his graffiti name.
So people would see him.
No, that's not him.
Maybe like hardcore.
Anyway, we were at a bar once and he's known as a dude with an insanely big dick.
And I was like, I kind of have a big dick too.
Yeah, that's him with the hood up.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Found him.
What was that?
Minor Threat Part 2?
So I pulled out my dick to blow his mind.
And then, you know what he pulled out of his pants?
Just an arm.
A bowl of spaghetti.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The spaghetti dick.
Spaghetti dick.
It just went on and on and on.
It looked like, you know what?
Say you're dealing with your motorcycle and you're trying to fix the indicators and you rip open the thing and you're like, I want to, it's my hazards every time.
I need my right indicator, my left indicator to be separate.
And then you look at the wires and you go, I can't fix this.
That's his dick.
He went to fucking LA to become a porn star.
He got clean off for smack and he's like, I want to do something with my life.
And then someone goes, you have a big dick.
You should become a porn star.
And he did.
He only gets blown by Italian broads.
He only gets blown by that African tribe where they have the nine discs on their necks.
One time, this girl, Sarah Brunia, the Killer Branilla, she called herself.
She was an employee at our store, and she fired this dude with a man bun, and she got slapped in the face hard, like an open-handed slap.
So she called us crying.
It was actually Shane's girlfriend, the guy I started Vice with, or sorry, a guy I hired to do sales after I started Vice with Sarouche.
So we fucking zip down there in the car, and as I'm in a taxi, as I'm running towards the taxi, I see Mark Ryan.
And he goes, yo, where you going?
His accent was fucking nuts.
And I go, is he there?
Any of those guys?
No, that's his crew, though.
That's the dude from Sick of It All, I believe.
And I was like, we got to go kick the shit of this dude who beat up a chick.
And he's like, yo, that's a blessing in disguise, yo.
I got to come with you.
I'm like, okay, come on in.
And he goes, I was me, Shane, and now Mark Ryan.
He's like, yo, I was so fucking pissed off this morning.
I wanted to fucking take someone out.
And now you guys show up.
It's like a sign from God.
It's fucking, it's a blessing in disguise, yo.
Okay, let's go.
So we're going up to, he had, his parents got him an apartment on like Union Square, 14th Street.
Yeah, that's him.
There he is.
Fucking blessing in disguise.
And then we go, we tell him who it is.
Man Bun.
He works at the vice store.
We just, he got fired and he hit her.
And he goes, oh, fuck.
Yo, ideal weed to that dude.
He could rap me out.
I could be in serious.
I got to get out.
So he gets out.
All right.
Bye, Mark.
And then we went to that guy's house and we tell the doorman, he lives in a nice building.
Hi, we're here to talk about what happened with Sarah.
And he goes, oh, yeah, I'll come down.
So he comes down and he says, Yo, sorry, he's not Mark Ryan.
He's a normal guy.
And he goes, Hey, man, yeah, look, Sarah's a total fucking bitch, and you know how hard she can be to deal with.
And I just, you know, I had enough of her shit.
Like I was going to go, cool, man, fucking cunts, slap them.
Fucking with this all the time, yapping and yapping, fucking get to slapping.
So he starts explaining it like it's a thing that we're going to agree with.
And Shane wasn't doing anything.
So as he's talking, I just went and I head-butted him.
And he did an amazing thing, by the way.
He defied physics.
So I went, I'll do slow motion for you.
So he fell back, and then right before he hit his head, he rotated.
Rotated.
And then took off.
And then took off.
His head never hit the ground.
He went like so.
I thought I might have a chance chasing him, but he was way too fast.
Young man with a little man bun.
And I was like, all right, he's gone.
Shane chased him, but Shane had flip-flops on, which is why, part of the reason I'm so against flip-flops to this day.
So he's slappy, slappy, slappy, slappy.
He's not going anywhere.
He was fat, too.
And Mark Ryan runs and runs, and he jumps into a police car.
No, sorry, not Mark Ryan.
The bun head.
He jumps into a police car and he says, hope, hope, hope.
So we catch up to the police car.
We explain the story.
They arrest him.
And then he gets out and he charges me with assault.
Wow.
But it was like four days later, he got the date wrong on his complaint.
So I ended up, look up Barney Miller.
I end up going to a precinct on like 45th.
And now when I talk to ex-cons who have done 10 years, just like I'm a war movie vet, I'm an ex-con.
Because I had to sit in that fucking rotten, stinking jail cell for four hours while they figured out the typo in the guy's report and ended up letting me go.
Four hours.
I did my time, man.
No, look up video.
Because I think the cops knew I was a totally dope bro.
And they didn't put me in the cages with the animal Puerto Ricans like Ryan.
I was upstairs with these guys.
That typewriter is 40 years old.
In the cell.
You see, this show has a holding cell in it, right?
And that's where I was.
I was literally hanging with my hands out of the cell, just like Barney Miller, listening to them shoot the shit.
And by the way, detectives, their quality of jokes, that was me.
Their quality of jokes are fucking very high standards.
It's like bands.
Bands on tour.
They've been touring so much that they riff with each other and they get better and better and better at jokes.
Detectives and cops, very high quality jokes.
So that was me.
They have one brain, basically.
Like they share the same brain when it comes to the riffs.
Nope.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
But they do.
No, no, no.
No, they don't.
They're just good at riffing because they practice.
Practice makes perfect.
I told you the joke, right?
I've said this on the show a hundred times.
Some big-titted, gorgeous blonde comes in to go, I need your N4 papers, guys.
We have a deal.
And they go, oh, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry.
We're on it.
We're on it.
And then after she leaves, they go, hey, if this is affirmative action, I'm all for it.
Look at that fucking piece of ass.
That was amazing.
And I'm just like, one of the guys.
Is that Mark Ryan?
Super Touch.
That's the name of the band.
This guy's dick would kill you.
He could do it.
If you put a camera in his urethra, he could have a give you a colonoscopy.
That's not him.
That's him.
There he is.
That's the blessing in disguise, y'all.
That mess me up when I'm singing, you know, and what to do that, you know, like my bad habits and stuff like that.
Great kid.
Great guy.
All right, let's take a call.
It's a blessing in disguise, yo.
And then the way we remember things, maybe if you play back the tape, he'd go, this is a blessing in disguise, I have to say, because I'm feeling violent today, and I'm thrilled that you're going to beat someone up.
I'd like to partake.
I wouldn't mind indulging.
Eating a bit of the threshing.
It is, if you will, a blessing in disguise, quote unquote, yo.
And she was like, that's bugged out, huh?
Yes.
Yeah, the chick that he was fucking with.
That's bugged out, huh?
Oh, my gosh.
I had a condom in my vagina that's not yours?
Well, I have to be a frank.
That is bugged out.
Mark, you're on the line.
Hey, I don't know if you've heard about the price of lumber and how it's going through the roof.
Oh, my God.
It's insane.
I'm working on a real estate thing, and the contractor will not give me a quote because it's different every 10 days.
So he goes, I'll tell you within 10 days of the project what it is.
Yeah.
I was looking online somewhere and I saw somebody say like, they just need to step in and freeze the price.
Like, you know, like the oil ZB can just come in and snap their fingers and freeze the price on something like that complex, like lumber production.
But there's an essay called iPencil.
I don't know if you can.
Oh, yeah.
We've talked about it many times.
It's a fantastic.
Yeah.
It proves the existence of God.
Leonard Reed.
Exactly.
The atheist's argument for the existence of God.
You know, yeah, that's a great episode of yours podcast from a long time ago.
But yeah, yeah, exactly.
And they just think like, oh, well, somebody could come in, snap their fingers, freeze the price of lumber, and that's going to make everything fine and dandy.
And it's literally impossible.
And an essay like that proves it.
It's a great video, too.
There's a great video, iPencil.
Do you think one of the reasons that lumber is going through the roof is because of all this fucking plywood needed to hold back rioters?
Is that dumb?
I don't know.
That's brilliant.
I never even thought of that before.
Yeah, who knows?
I thought it was mostly because of the housing boom and, you know, the fact that it's a resource and it actually serves a purpose, unlike Dogecoin or, you know, Bitcoin.
All the other bullshit.
All right.
Thanks for calling, buddy.
Yeah, that's...
I don't...
Is this iPencil?
Yeah.
Yeah, iPencil the movie, 2012.
It's from the account iPencenced.
I remember it being way higher quality than that.
iPencil Jump in the Millie.
Yeah, I think that's it.
Yeah, that's it.
This is the misremembering thing again.
Misremembering.
Is there a part where they go drallify fish?
They do.
Yo, pencils are bugged out, right?
Yeah.
My job is to make stories entertaining.
True.
So, oh yeah, this is the right one.
So I naturally, you know, embellish and make things more colorful.
And then I see what I'm embellishing and go, this sucks.
And how do you remember the Louis C.K. bit again?
Oh my God, I hate Barbara.
Phew.
Shut up, Janet.
I'm still not even admitting that to myself.
I still think there's another one that you don't have.
Yeah, no, me too.
No, it was like, Barbara, she's a bitch.
Phew.
You know who holds up when you do the impression?
Mitch Hedberg.
Man, I went to the doctor to get my neck checked out.
All he did was make my neck hurt.
Do not go see Dr. Acula.
That is verbatim.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I'm underselling it.
How about my eight-year-old son doing Mitch Hedberg?
What is Elmo?
I do not know what he is.
Is he a monkey or is he a dog?
Yeah.
Or is he a dog?
I did not know that ducks eat for free at Subway.
Hey, man, here comes Elmo.
Come on to hang out with me.
He had brutal stage fright.
That's why he did so much heroin.
Because it's the only way he can get over his nerves.
Then his girlfriend really helped him out with that and killed him.
And then she's still on Twitter talking shit to other comedians.
And I was banned after saying, didn't you kill Mitch Hedberg?
That's bugged out.
What's Jeremy Hotz's excuse for being the way he is?
Who's Jeremy Hotz?
You remember this guy?
I'm from Canada.
Oh, he's like a fake, crazy guy.
Canadian people you will ever meet in your life.
They look like us.
That's the end of it right there.
They're not like us at all.
They're morons.
All across the streets.
They're even crazier.
I was in Texas.
He's from Canada.
He's saying the difference between Canadians and fake, crazy guys.
Yeah, like Goldthwaite.
Fake anyone.
Bobcat Goldthwaite, right?
Oh, that was grim.
What do you think about Kinison, though?
Because he kind of had an act.
Yeah, that was kind of different.
He was just screaming more than he would normally scream.
But he wasn't like, I'm a crazy guy.
Like, Spasham Escalco doesn't talk like that when he orders fish.
But it's still him.
Right, right.
It's not like a full-blown, I have a different voice.
Yeah, that's why, like, the Tucker Carlson and Alex Jones, I get away with in court.
They go, no one in their right mind would listen to this person seriously.
And people take that court document literally and go, oh, you're full of shit.
But what they're really saying is you wouldn't take this show that you're watching now as do, do, do, do, do, do, do, breaking news.
So I can say shit like, shouldn't you just kill someone?
Like, when you watch my 160-pound, my 650-pound life, like, just kill them, right?
In the sense that...
So I don't literally mean you should get a straight razor, go up to a 650-pound person and slit their throat.
I swear to God, if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to get my hands around.
But I am saying something that I believe and that you believe where when you watch that show, you're like, shouldn't you just die?
That's true.
All right, let's take a call.
Got Jake.
Jake, you're online?
What's up, John?
Hold on one second.
Oh, can you hear me?
Yes.
Okay.
So, first of all, I just was curious.
I just recently found that you had an app, which I was really surprised that you had an app that was allowed on the App Store.
But I downloaded it, and I was expecting, I was going to listen to the live stream here, and there was nothing, there was no sort of icon or anything that indicated that there was a live stream.
So I didn't see any way that you could stream from that.
Also, I just was curious, I really enjoy your compound censored shows, and I've seen that it hasn't been on today.
Is it going to come on at some point?
You sound like you're fucking with me, and this is some sort of prank where you're going to mention Jews.
Those fucking Jews, man.
Knew it.
You called it.
Called it.
No, the live show with Anthony is 5 to 6 p.m. every Wednesday.
And then this show is live 9 to 10 p.m. every Wednesday.
And then the rest of the shows are on at 8.
So you should have got a notification.
A very difficult notification.
Yeah, the notifications for the app.
But if you're on the desktop, you'll see a banner that says you're live.
But that's the sketch.
And yeah, Anthony and Gavin will be uploaded after the show.
But thanks for calling and welcome to Censored.tv.
You said something.
Did you get a weird vibe from that guy who was trying to fuck with me?
No.
You know what?
From the hang on a second thing.
Maybe, maybe.
It's like, that scene, what are you trying to ask?
Oh my gosh, it didn't happen.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
Black couple literally acts like they own the place.
850, you're on the line.
Go ahead, 850.
What's going on, Gavin?
Hey, man.
Hey, so I sent you guys the link.
Remember that guy?
I don't know who it was.
It was the black guy that was like, the one thing about white people is they walk in, they always act like they own the place.
Taneshi Coates.
No, that's the exact opposite.
But I sent you the link.
There's this black couple that went down in Florida and they literally were acting like they were going to buy this $7 million mansion.
And you got to look up the Daily Mail fucking article on it because they showed up planning their wedding and trying to have their wedding in, I guess it was the IHOP heirs mansion, but he's just not there a lot of the time and it was on the market.
Talk about black privilege.
So people just started showing up.
I was like, if this was like some scraggly looking white couple, they would have just like been taken down by a SWAT team immediately.
But they were like, I guess the guy was home on the day they were going to, they showed up to have the wedding.
And they were like, oh, this is God's plan.
You just need to let it happen.
This is God's plan.
And he's like, they have the 911 call and the IHOP air is like, I don't know what's happening.
I just want it to stop.
God, she's ugly.
What the?
She looks like a, I think she's a 1.9.
Are they black Hebrew Israelites?
Yeah, maybe that is.
All right.
Thanks for calling, buddy.
Let's hear the 911 call.
Alrighty.
No, no, I think it's there.
Yeah, no, I just had to hang on.
Here we go.
Emergency?
Southwest branches.
I have people trespassing on my property, and they keep harassing me, calling me, and they say they're having a wedding here, and it's God's message.
And I don't know what's going on.
All I want is to stop.
By the way, I got these shoes today from Clark's on Madison Avenue.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I might be a little young.
I mean, old for white souls like these.
You're an old soul.
It's going under that particular branch.
And these were 70% off.
Wow.
They cost me $55.
They're $150 shoes.
So I was very happy with that.
I may have got the numbers slightly off, but you get the idea.
And the socks were all $6.
But everyone was white there, obviously.
It's the Clark store.
And speaking of walking in, like, you own the place, it was just so many apologies.
Like, hey, I'm sorry.
Can I get these in 10 and a half?
And then she gets them.
And I go, actually, these are fitting kind of large.
Can I try a 10?
Can I?
I'm sorry.
Because she'd already got me a pair.
And then she goes, no, don't apologize.
She just finished saying to this old lady who was asking for something who had said, I'm sorry.
Can I?
And she had just said, don't apologize to her.
So within 30 seconds, this woman who works there said, don't apologize twice.
Don't apologize.
I'm sorry.
I hate.
Fuck you, Janet.
I'm the worst.
I should just, is there a hole here I could just dive into?
Because I'm Satan.
I'm Satan's balls.
I'm actually sorry I didn't read your mind and know that it didn't fit properly.
I wish my parents never met.
I don't know why I'm asking you for shoes at a shoe store.
I feel terrible.
You guys are trying to close up.
What kind of shit's Dane?
Ooh, those are an interesting kind of a corduroy vibe.
Those are fun.
A big Desert Boots fan.
The problem is the aging.
And it doesn't matter that they get beaten up when you're wearing jeans, but if you're wearing a suit with Desert Boots, they really have to be a week old.
I have that exact pair, and I've broken them in too much, and I can't wear them with the suit anymore.
They look great with jeans, though.
They look so funny.
Damn.
Yeah, when you turned me onto those, I was like, I didn't understand the elegant simplicity of them all.
Piping hot.
You know how they were discovered?
Oh, yeah.
I like the sound.
The British guy was in Egypt, and he noticed that they, to get sand out of their feet, they wore these things that didn't really have an opening till the very bottom.
In the very top.
The crepe sold, did he get that from them too?
That's his spin on it.
Yeah, I love that story.
I know.
That's bugged out, right?
That's bugged out, isn't it?
Bill.
You don't go.
I am beyond angry.
I am beyond angry.
I am beyond angry.
Yes.
Prize pack.
Yeah, yeah, I got that.
You gotta hook it up now.
I got the two folks' numbers already, sir.
I'm sorry.
Oh, all right.
Okay, okay.
Look, I think we're gonna reach blazing saddles levels of policing due to this verdict.
Meaning, no one's gonna want to be cop and people are just not gonna want to do the job.
Nope.
And who's gonna suffer?
I'm not gonna suffer.
I'm in an all-white suburb where the biggest crime is someone stole chapstick three months ago.
It's going to be the hood.
It's going to be black neighborhoods.
They're going to see unprecedented deaths.
Okay.
I found out about the sorry, I have cut you off.
I found out about the verdict through, believe it or not, local conservative radio.
And within 10 seconds of them giving their take on the whole thing, they were talking January 6th.
Oh, if those were blacks, they would have all been mowed down with fucking AK-47s.
And I'm thinking, what the fuck?
Okay, so here's my argument to all of the retards, including conservatives who say this shit.
Where was the white outrage?
Where were the riots?
Where was the who stormed the Minnesota and Minneapolis court, you know, with all of the rioting and shit?
Where were all the white supremacists?
Where are they?
Yeah.
Who's outraged over this verdict?
They had a rally in California, nothing to do with Derek Chauvin, called White Lives Matter.
About 30 people showed up.
That's the movement we keep hearing about all day, every day.
That's all cops.
Everyone's a Nazi.
It's fucking boring and it's not a thing.
Please stop.
And when Republicans and conservatives Capitulate like that and they want to kiss the ass of the far left.
Did it work out for Nike where they spent $10 million on BLM and still got looted?
Did it work out for a Footlocker, for Walmart, for Starbucks?
It doesn't.
Capitulation is giving a vampire a shot of blood and saying, Will you leave my family alone now?
No, you showed them where to get the blood from.
Fuckers.
It's almost like a backhanded way and a dishonest way of pulling a Greg Gutfeld and saying, well, you know, I really wanted him to burn in hell and he needs to rot in jail forever because, I mean, come on, get fucking, be honest with your people who are listening because no one believes that shit.
Well, I want to tell a quick.
Plenty of people believe that shit, my friend.
Plenty of people, especially conservatives, think Derek Chauvin is innocent, and they're right, he is innocent.
Know he's innocent, I should say, and are happy he's behind bars because they think it has calmed the coyotes.
That's, I brought that up the other day as a crazy theory, a crazy concept, but it's pretty common.
Gutfeld said that, and he's in shit for it.
He's not a whole nother, oh, a minority or a kid or a child was shot.
And it's like, they're just empowering these morons to believe that they don't have to follow.
No one's even talked about the video where the chick got, the stabbing stabber got shot when cops showed up.
That dude was kicking that white chick in the head.
Like, nobody's even talked about that little minor detail.
People are just doing rampant crime.
It all started when they were just throwing water on cops in New York City and shitting on cops.
And it all just been steamrolling and boiling over since then.
Precisely.
Precisely.
This is all about the death of law and order.
And I have a radical theory where I don't think blacks like when you kiss their ass and say Black Lives Matter and all that stuff.
I think that black culture is similar to Palestinian culture, wherein they kind of appreciate when you get tough.
I believe that Palestinians like the wall in Israel and they see it as a show of force and they respect it.
And I think when you're strict, like when Juliani came into New York and he said, if you jump the turnstile, you're going to jail, all this shit, I think blacks in New York appreciated it because it was a show of strength.
It's sort of like the jihadists when they kidnap white people and the white people convert to Islam.
The jihadists don't like that.
They just go, oh, you're a pussy.
I'm going to kill you first.
All right.
Thanks for calling, buddy.
They're yearning.
That was mean.
That's always so mean.
That's life, though.
Fade away.
That's the end of our live show.
We missed our friend's last point because we're jerks.
Or as my youngest boy would say, jokes.
Actually, he doesn't say jokes anymore.
He pitched for the first time in his life today.
Wow.
And he got three strikeouts.
That's great.
Yep.
And it's far for eight-year-olds to pitch.
It's 40 feet.
I'd like to see you throw a bunch of strikes at 40 feet.
I probably cannot.
I couldn't even bowl a strike.
He was nervous, and then my other boy was saying, just throw it, throw it, throw it.
And then he would get freaked out and throw it.
But that sketched out the batter.
Because he would see a guy going, and then all of a sudden, whoosh.
Nice.
So that's an optimistic look at everything.
Here we are, folks, still fighting the ridiculous clown fight in clown world.
And the right, sorry, the left is in the driving seat right now.
And they are swerving all over the road, knocking over pylons.
And we have no choice but to laugh.
This is their world.
Don't get hung up on it.
Don't get depressed.
Enjoy it.
There's ebbs and flows to society.
This is reparable.
We will bounce back from this.
But right now, the kids have the keys to the station wagon and they are in the wrong lane.
So if we don't die, we can have a good laugh at how fucked up this is because it is beyond fucked up.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
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