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April 15, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:59:37

S03E99 - OBSTREPEROUS TRIFECTA

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Time	Text
	Oh, live from New York.
	It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGinnis.
	God on my side and a gun in my hand.
	Chasing my days down to zero.
	And I marched and I fought and I'd led and I died.
	And I never, you know what?
	Let's.
	I almost restarted the show because of that.
	That was so disrespectful of me a little bit.
	We're talking about the men who died, lost their lives in World War I. And I'm seeing if I'm fat.
	Yeah.
	This is Motorhead 1916.
	Heard about it on our comments, on our site.
	And I'd never heard it before.
	What a great jam.
	It's not a jam.
	See, now I almost want to start it again.
	A tribute.
	A great tribute.
	And this is a fan who put this together.
	What the fuck was that war?
	You shot some dude with a big mustache?
	Archduke Ferdinand?
	Okay.
	Find the person who did it and send them to jail for murder.
	Why does the whole world have to die?
	Who was this guy?
	Franz Ferdinand?
	An indie band?
	I don't get it.
	I do not understand World War I at all.
	So this was sent under the auspices of it's a crying song, right?
	Like this is okay to tear at.
	I agree.
	And Lemmy's voice works really good under this.
	Although World War I doesn't really make me cry because my brain can't handle it.
	Right.
	It looks black and white when you're thinking about it.
	Yeah, it's World War II I can barely wrap my head around.
	And then Vietnam, easy peasy.
	Right.
	Idiotic war, 60,000 people died.
	Look at that.
	I stopped it on that.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So I guess his fucking face is blown off.
	It's a prosthetic face.
	Like, he probably has no lower jaw.
	You don't really need that outside of chewing.
	And his nose is just a hole.
	So they made that, you know, to prevent kids from crying.
	Like Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire.
	Yeah.
	But real.
	What was going on?
	What are we doing?
	Look at that.
	Just carnage.
	And again, how do you navigate?
	Go over that hill.
	I think we're in France.
	Yeah.
	Where the fuck are we?
	Like, elegant.
	All I see is mud and dead trees and cadavers.
	How do you know where the fuck you are?
	There's no landmarks.
	Right.
	Just mud.
	Like, reading this history book, I'm like, how the fuck do they know to flank?
	You know that book you're reading is for children?
	Yes.
	Well, it's a very third graders.
	It's a very quick scoop of the world.
	And then you look into it more.
	Look at this.
	Yeah, they teach it in grade school.
	This is what Alexander the Great.
	He did all this shit.
	Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention to school.
	I was like doodling and fingering.
	You were fingering chicks in school?
	No, myself.
	Myself.
	My buddies.
	I've fucked 16-year-olds before.
	When I was 16, I did that as well.
	Yeah.
	It sucked.
	And last week, I...
	I hated it.
	Yeah.
	Because they didn't like it.
	Right.
	They weren't like, yeah, oh, I know.
	That's bugged out, right?
	Yeah, there's a fine me.
	There's a medium.
	It was just like, uh-oh, uh-uh-uh-uh.
	It took six hours to get in there.
	I'm not exaggerating, of necking.
	I don't know.
	Until you got red around here, just from your skin is abrased.
	So you look like a weird racist clown.
	And your hand is...
	In the 80s, women wore jeans so tight that they would bend a coat hanger and then abort the baby that got the no, they would bend a coat hanger and put it in their fly and then use that to pull up their fly.
	All right.
	It was Fort Fucking Nox.
	I would get, what'd you call that?
	Carpal tunnel syndrome from getting my hand down.
	And then eventually I like would touch some pubes.
	This is well covered in my book, Death of Cool.
	And then you finally, like, finally have sex and it was so clinical.
	And then she's talking and you're like, shut up, Janet.
	So we found the clip that we were looking for the other day, but I had it wrong.
	In my head, it was like, she's such a bitch.
	Shut up, Janet.
	And that's how it really is.
	Yeah.
	You made it funny when you misremember things, isn't it?
	Punched up Louis C.K. In Rushmore, the little kid doesn't say, ah, it's a jellyfish.
	She goes, it's a jellyfish.
	Yeah.
	And my wife and I, when we say it to each other, like we have neck pains.
	We have to go get an ice pack after because we go, ah, it's a jellyfish.
	Yeah.
	It's a jellyfish.
	Wow.
	When I finally saw that after saying, he goes, oh, it's a jellyfish.
	For years, I'm like, did they re-add this scene?
	What did they do to the kid who said, it's a jellyfish?
	Yeah.
	There's definitely things like that.
	I keep remembering it like, my son's on the cover of a magazine.
	And it's nothing like that.
	It isn't.
	My son's on the cover of a magazine.
	Oh, well, some things are just as...
	Some things are exactly as you remember them.
	You know what's funny?
	When you hear about someone in Howard Stern and you just have to look them up, you're like, yeah.
	That's about what I figured you looked like.
	Like the first time I saw not Gary, but not Baba Booey.
	Beetlejuice?
	The ugly guy who writes all the stuff and is fat.
	Oh, fuck, what's his name?
	He's a staff member, not a whackpacker.
	Oh.
	But I looked him up and I went, yeah, yeah.
	Benji?
	Yeah, Benji.
	Oh, Benji's gross.
	When you see Benji, you're like, yeah, that's exactly what I thought you looked like.
	Yeah.
	Exactly.
	Same with all these journalists who write shit about MAGA people.
	Remember this phase?
	Remember this phase?
	Yeah.
	No one could tell if he was kidding or not, including Benji.
	What a fucking dick.
	Yeah, he was probably serious about it, got laughed at, and then decided it was a joke.
	Yeah.
	But yeah.
	That's what you imagine.
	Look up Debbie the Cum Lady.
	There's a woman on Stern who's obsessed with ingesting semen, and I've never seen her before, but I can picture her.
	Wow, she's old.
	This seems to be her younger, Debbie Gibson.
	No.
	Oh, Debbie Gibson is a famous woman, yes.
	That's not her.
	Yeah, that's her.
	Not a lot of pics of her.
	That's not how I pictured her at all.
	This is not supporting my argument.
	This is Debbie the Pet Lady.
	She's more of a tan mom.
	This is Debbie the Pet Lady.
	Wait, that's Debbie the Pet Lady you just showed, dumbass.
	What did you Google?
	Debbie the Cum Lady.
	Are you sure Debbie is the name?
	Just look up Cum Lady.
	How is it?
	Whatever.
	Cum Lady.
	Do you know how to spell cum?
	Of course.
	I'm going to say that.
	I mean, next time I'm in bed with my wife when I'm coming to the end, I'll be like, do you know how to spell cum?
	This is Debbie the Cum Lady.
	But that's the super tan lady.
	That's not Debbie the Cum Lady.
	That's Tan Mom.
	God, you suck at everything.
	I mean, the world time.
	The internet sucks.
	Oh, there's Debbie the Cum Lady.
	That's exactly how I pictured her.
	That's exactly how I pictured her.
	Geez, that's weird.
	Hey, God, can you...
	We got to get God on this show.
	I know.
	I have so many questions for him.
	Technically, he is on the show.
	He's all around us and within us.
	God, why is it that when you hear someone on a radio show and you look them up, they look exactly like what you thought they would be?
	Although, I got to say, Brooklyn, Debbie from Brooklyn or whatever her name is on Howard Stern, the one who caused, but that caused like a crow, she's much more attractive than Debbie from Brooklyn, I think her name is.
	Okay, I got a Mary Ann from Brooklyn.
	Mary Ann from Brooklyn, yeah.
	Mary Ann from Brooklyn is much more attractive than you'd think, although she does not look great there.
	Sorry, folks.
	Tangent time.
	Anyway, back to the show.
	I've mentioned this book many times.
	It's a vuggin masterpiece, The Worm in the Apple, Peter Brimelow.
	He breaks down public education and why it sucks.
	And it basically sucks because the unions are too strong.
	And unions are socialists, and unions ruin everything.
	Sure, they may have had a case.
	Oh, that reminds me.
	I should read a letter from my granddad at the mailbag.
	We got a packed show today.
	My grandfather was a socialist, and my cousin sent me a letter he wrote to his MP.
	And so unions may have had a point during the Industrial Revolution when there was child labor, you know, that book, Concrete Jungle or whatever, about the meat packing district in New York, St. Clair, whatever his name was.
	Sure, maybe when there's extreme corruption in capitalism, you need a union to correct it.
	But I think the free market would correct that eventually anyway.
	Workers' conditions would improve.
	They just go somewhere else where there was better conditions.
	Yeah, that's it, the jungle.
	But those days are long gone.
	And I love to see these anarchists talk about workers' rights, and they have like a sledgehammer with Carhartt overalls and the old peaky blinders fucking cap.
	And it's like, A, you couldn't last a day in their shoes.
	You couldn't last a day in today's modern tradesman's shoes.
	And B, those unions are a thing of the past.
	Now it's like for, like Vice almost got shut down by a union, journalist union, the Vice Union, where they wanted to pay for bottom surgery for some of their trans journalists.
	That's probably only $150,000.
	Yeah, we got that money lying around.
	Let's everyone get bottom surgery and then get sued when you regret it.
	So anyway, the teachers' unions are the strongest union on Capitol Hill on either side.
	Bigger than the NRA, way 10 times the size of the NRA.
	Bigger than big tobacco, big pharma.
	It's teachers' unions.
	And they're ruining education.
	The only hope for education in this country, besides homeschooling, is charter schools, where you sort of privatize education.
	And you know how I feel about education here on the show?
	I think it's gay.
	In the sense that...
	If you are a nerd and you're really good at chemistry and you want to be a biochemist, by all means, pursue that.
	You represent less than 1% of the population, but do it.
	This fucking bullshit that everyone needs to be educated is so stupid.
	When my dad was a young man, 5% of his peers, of his generation, went on to further education.
	That's about right.
	5% are nerdy enough to get something out of college.
	The rest of you are just playing house.
	And then you get a job where you're playing journalist, like this Tess Owen article about the Proud Boys we'll get into later on, where she spelt my name wrong 10 times and also spelt it right.
	That's how you tell someone shouldn't be a journalist when they spell names wrong.
	But yeah, he just basically goes on to show that the teachers' unions are essentially mafia.
	And they run education like a mafia.
	And the children's, what's best for the children is Peter Brimlow has been canceled by the woke squad because he said things like, diversity isn't necessarily our strength.
	And he did V-Dare, which is an anti-immigration site.
	So he'll never write a book again.
	And his books, Alien Nation about immigration and The Worm and the Apple are, I think, the best two books I've ever read.
	He's an absolute fucking genius.
	Although, when you hang out with him, it gets annoying because his hearing sucks.
	And he literally goes like this.
	He's like, my dad, You have to say everything twice.
	And then they get offended when you say it, not Peter, but my parents, get offended when you say it loud the first time.
	So I go, We're gonna go to the pub.
	Would you like to come?
	Yes, all right, I can hear you.
	But if I go, we're gonna pub, you wanna come?
	Hey, Sonny!
	We're going to the pub.
	Would you like to come?
	They're fucked, by the way, my parents.
	What do you mean?
	They're in your bad boat?
	They tried to outsmart the system.
	The system is you fly in and you pay two grand to a hotel while they wait for your results.
	You can skip town, but you have to pay the two grand in advance.
	Right.
	It's a bullshit, bureaucratic fine.
	There's no way around it.
	Yes, there is.
	I'm going to go to Buffalo, then order a limousine from Toronto to pick me.
	No, they're not doing that anymore.
	All right.
	I'm going to have your friend Bill drive me to the border in Ogdensburg, and then I'm going to walk over the bridge.
	First of all, my friend Bill is a vet.
	He's a hustler.
	He grew up in the Bronx.
	He's ratzo rizzo, but successful at scams.
	We call him unreliable.
	So I don't think you're going to make it to the border, first of all.
	Secondly, you're not allowed to walk over the bridge anymore.
	Look it up.
	What about Wroxham Road?
	What's that?
	Wroxham Road.
	I did the report for Rebel, where it's like that's where all the immigrants come in.
	They carry your bag for you.
	They just have to say they're Mexican immigrants.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's called non-white privilege.
	White privilege is a myth.
	Every other privilege is not.
	Can they speak Spanish?
	Here's a rule.
	If there's a name for it, it's bullshit.
	There's no such thing as black privilege.
	No one talks about black privilege.
	That's because it's real.
	They talk about white privilege all the time.
	That's because it's fake.
	Speaking of my parents, by the way, I am getting bored of how annoying my dad is when he gets angry about stuff.
	When he's in a bad mood, he's very irritable.
	You know what makes him irritable?
	Food.
	He's drinks so much beer that his body can only process the empty calories of beer.
	So if he has a cheese sandwich, I mentioned this yesterday, right?
	He's dead to the world for like an hour.
	And if you get him in that time, you're going to get a fight.
	Or if you get him late at night after like nine beers, he goes from a good drunk to a bad drunk.
	And it was at this point I decided to pretend that I think that Prince Philip was King Philip and that the queen's husband is the king.
	Makes sense.
	And I decided I was going to use a chessboard as my fact checker.
	And this was purely 100% to antagonize the old man.
	Luckily, I got it on tape for you to enjoy.
	Take it away, me.
	The husband of the queen is clearly the king.
	So the king just died.
	Okay, I'm sorry.
	Look at a chess table.
	There's a king and the queen.
	The guy next to the queen is the king.
	Okay, look, I'm not going to argue with you because you don't know.
	I'm educating you.
	Prince Philip was not King Philip.
	Prince Philip was the queen's consort.
	Consort.
	There was a queen of England, not the king of England, the queen of England.
	Was she his husband?
	Yes.
	Is the son of the queen not about to become the king?
	It wasn't the son.
	She's not the son.
	I know he's not the son, but like Prince Harry or whatever, they're about to become kings.
	And he is a son.
	King.
	His wife is not going to be the queen of England.
	I didn't know that.
	What?
	Makes sense, though.
	I'm not going to argue with you, honey.
	You agree that Prince Philip was the king of England?
	Absolutely not.
	Don't be bucking, stupid.
	Look at him on your fucking computer.
	Jesus Christ.
	This is an incredible dumb.
	Prince Philip, look at Prince Philip.
	He was the Queen's consort.
	He was the King of England, Dad.
	Oh.
	He's the husband of the Queen.
	Look at a chessboard.
	It's nothing to do with a chessboard, you fucking ass.
	The guy sitting next to the Queen is the king.
	No.
	No, on a chessboard?
	Yeah.
	And not on the throne of England.
	Look it up on your fucking chessboard.
	So who's the king then?
	Was she having an affair?
	No king.
	She was fucking someone behind his back?
	Was it a king when Queen Elizabeth was a queen?
	No.
	Who was her husband?
	Actually, she didn't have a fucking husband.
	Look up Prince Philip and see if he was...
	What was his title?
	Okay, I'm looking it up right now.
	He thinks I'm just holding my phone and not filming.
	Queen's consort.
	I'm looking it up now.
	Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth, I think it's a...
	What does it say here?
	Fifth or whatever.
	King of England, Prince Philip.
	It doesn't say that.
	You're not Prince Philip.
	It doesn't say that on your own.
	I am the Prince King.
	I'm not using that.
	Look at him while you're looking at the thing.
	You just...
	There.
	Yeah.
	I think it's a...
	What does it say here?
	Stupid.
	What does it say here?
	He looks like Abe Lincoln, doesn't he?
	Wow.
	Yes, he does.
	Yeah, he does.
	King of England, Prince Philip.
	It doesn't say that.
	You're a liar.
	It doesn't say that on your fucking computer.
	I'm not using a computer.
	I'm on a phone.
	Yeah, it's a computer for fuck's sake.
	Look it up and say, whatever.
	See what they say about Prince Philip's death.
	They don't say King Philip's death.
	They say Prince Philip's death, you fucking asshole.
	They said the King of England died today.
	No, they didn't say that.
	A lot of websites, Daily Mail said that.
	Breitbart said that.
	I'd like to see that.
	Okay.
	You piece of shitty.
	You lying piece of shit.
	Right here.
	Look.
	The king of England is Prince Philip.
	Good times.
	This is the greatest video ever.
	That's the only way you can suffer fools gladly.
	What a little shit you are, huh?
	You fucking gashole.
	You fucking gashole.
	Oh, it's confusing that woman I fucked from Malta.
	With your dad, yeah.
	Yeah.
	When I was ejaculating, she said to me with her Maltese accent, she goes, oh, you are calming in that pussy, you fucking gashole.
	No, we don't know if that's really how she said it.
	She could have said that if I go back to my mind.
	I mean, you're my pussy.
	My pussy, by the way, fucking out.
	She's Germanic.
	She's a fucking gashole.
	She's trying to talk dirty, but it doesn't work in Malta.
	It's just actually dirty.
	You know why she was in Montreal?
	She wanted to divorce her husband, and it's basically Islam there, but Catholicism.
	It's that devout.
	And the only way you can get a divorce is if you've been away from the country for at least a year.
	So she just came to Montreal and was a fucking absolute.
	Let me fuck you with my heels on, yeah.
	Let's go through the paper because it's a good day.
	Bernie's dead.
	Bernie's dead.
	Bernie Madoff.
	He made off with all the money.
	My buddy and Leslie and I would collect guys like that.
	Bernie Madoff.
	He made off with all the money.
	There was the Jamaican dude, Dude's Coke.
	What did he do?
	He was the biggest Coke killer in Jamaica.
	And his name is Dude is, as in Dude Has.
	Coke.
	Wow.
	That's his real name.
	It's amazing.
	There's a bunch of those.
	Everyone's excited about this stupid robot.
	You know how I feel about robots.
	They're fucking lame.
	They don't exist.
	This dog will achieve nothing but front page media coverage.
	It's just like that stupid robot with half a head that goes to the United Nations and does pre-programmed animatronics that people say are answering questions.
	Hi, what do you think is important about the UN?
	I think the UN can build bridges with different nationalities and bring us together as a whole.
	I'm at fucking Chuck E. Cheese.
	Oh, I used to hate that on Red Eye when we talk about robots.
	So is everyone going to have their own personal robot?
	Yes, in two million years.
	Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
	Oh, but it can smile.
	So can a picture of a fucking smile.
	Ugh, so stupid.
	What is this thing going to do?
	Even when it's a hostage situation and they send in that wheelie thing, he just gets mad and shoots it.
	It's not like it goes, hey, can you please put the hostages down?
	That's called RoboCop.
	Get robots out your mind.
	And here's another thing that's within the same category.
	The robots that we do have suck absolute shit.
	Like, not the human ones now.
	The Zumba Roomba thing.
	It takes like seven hours to do this much work.
	You can sweep your whole kitchen in 12 to 30 seconds.
	Scoop it up, throw it in the garbage.
	The Roomba is there all day.
	It's so, and it's loud as shit, too.
	If your neighbors upstairs have a Roomba, you hear all about it.
	Look at this wasted battery power.
	Just drain the battery.
	I thought you were all worried about the environment, you fucking liberals.
	It's about the only thing that's good for.
	That's two things that should have been aborted.
	Just kidding.
	I'm pro-life.
	And a dishwasher I've been thinking about.
	My dishwasher takes like two hours.
	And 95% of the dishes are clean.
	The glasses.
	You could do the...
	How long does it take to do the dishes?
	A dishwasher's amount of dishes takes you 17 minutes.
	It takes that stupid machine two hours.
	So I guess what I'm saying is I hate robots and I'm not even impressed with machines for the most part.
	Now, a fridge is incredible technology.
	That I'll give you.
	But like these things that do your job, they don't do it better.
	Anyway, sorry.
	I'm very sensitive to robots.
	What the fuck is that?
	That's got to be nips.
	That's you people.
	I think so.
	That's not more efficient.
	Yeah, what if there's cheese on there or some shit?
	Yeah, that's not efficient.
	Yeah, I hand wash.
	Well, of course you do.
	You don't have a dishwasher.
	I do.
	You do?
	Yep.
	I just never use it.
	I'm a hand washer.
	Have you ever used it?
	Nope.
	Shit's gay.
	I don't trust you, Ryan.
	I swear to God.
	I think you haven't used it because you're too lazy to get the pods for it.
	I get pods for other things.
	I used to get Tide Pods, but then I figured they were...
	You ate them all.
	Yes, so.
	That's a bit of a...
	Not all of them, actually.
	So yeah, stupid story about robots.
	Oh, CNN, death cells, where they always make sure they have the...
	We talked about this on Kumia's show yesterday.
	Oh, that's kind of a bitch move that I called it Kumia's show.
	That's like saying President Harris when Biden would say President Harris.
	Our show with Compound.
	Compound censored.
	Madoff is dead.
	You know, Tacky, Tacky Mag, Tacky Theodore Acropolis, friend of mine, is fairly anti-Semitic, I would have to say.
	He's not the same kind of Zionist the G-Dog is.
	And I remember when Bernie Madoff was getting big.
	By the way, Tacky is one of the greatest people ever.
	I disagree with his views on Judaism, but so what?
	You're allowed to disagree with your friends.
	But he's old money.
	When he was on his boat in the south of France, I believe, he'd see these people who were tech rich or whatever, and he would get up on his boat and he would drive near them and then get on the front and go, in French, he'd say, You're nouveau riche, vousette nouveau riche,
	you're nouveau riche, he'd scream at them.
	Or one time, we've told this story a million times.
	See, this is that was a better era, the tacky days when he was considered a bon vivant, an enfant terribe.
	He's going through customs with a ton of Coke.
	And they go, okay, you're good to go.
	And he goes, oh, you checked, okay, this was the bag.
	Good thing you didn't check that bag.
	And they go, what'd you just say?
	Nothing.
	Now, maybe we will check that bag.
	What the fuck is this?
	No.
	That's Coke.
	Oh, no.
	So he went to jail for like two years.
	And they go, what did you think of that?
	That must have been hell for you.
	Someone who's used to living life, the lifestyles of the rich and famous.
	He goes, I liked it.
	He said, I recognized some from the boxing gym.
	I recognized some of my friends there.
	What a cool ass dude.
	He's the best.
	And he has a fun and crazy magazine where the likes of you and God could write.
	One of the first things he ever said to me, he says, do you remember Liberace?
	What did he say?
	Roses are red, violets are blue.
	If Liberace liked chicks, he wouldn't have died of AIDS or something.
	Oh, fuck, I ruined it, but it was funny and it rhymed.
	And it was about Liberace, which shouldn't have been a fag.
	He said, me and my friends, we were called boomerangs in New York because we would go to Harlem to get Coke.
	And the blacks there, they called us boomerangs because we'd go up, get the Coke, and go back down.
	Anyway, when Bernie Madoff came out, he said, there he is.
	Do you have him talking?
	No, this is an animated article.
	I hate those things.
	Pointless.
	I hate robots.
	I hate animated articles.
	And I hate life hacks.
	On Thursday, a man was found with five bags of coins.
	Here's how you can make a shelf in a shelf using rubber bands and thumbtacks.
	And so he saw Bernie Madoff and he's like, fucking Jews.
	It's called an affinity scheme because what Madoff was doing is he was only taking Jews.
	And so they feel safe and they go, oh, good.
	A fellow Jew has a thing.
	I can trust him.
	He's one of the chosen ones.
	He's one of our people.
	So we're going to get in it.
	But Tacky smells a rat.
	And he's like, not a rat, actually.
	He didn't sless this correctly.
	He goes, the Jews have a thing going on.
	I want in.
	There's big money there.
	And I believe he lost $7 million because he was trying to catch the Jews doing their secret money stuff.
	And he goes, I'm in.
	And he got fucked.
	So that's some stuff.
	Meet R2NYDP.
	The truth about cops and racism.
	Yes.
	This was a funny article about Joey Ramon's little brother who's kept all the stuff in his apartment and all the cool stuff that's there.
	And you look at it.
	It's all utter shit.
	Some of his sunglasses, a drawing of him, and his old report card and a shitty old acoustic guitar.
	No, thanks.
	Don't give me those things.
	I don't want your treasures.
	They're garbage.
	One man's trash is another man's treasure, or it's just trash.
	The glasses are the only cool thing about it.
	And they're kind of cool.
	Right.
	Like, do you want those?
	No.
	They're probably a million dollars.
	Do you want me to spend a million dollars so you can have Joey Ramones in your shithole apartment in the fag zone piled in all your garbage?
	I'll put it in my dishwasher.
	Jeff Hyman.
	I didn't know.
	This was an interesting article about OnlyFans, the new sexual revolution.
	This ugly bitch, Sonia Fisher from Real Housewives, is the number four most popular one.
	And you know what?
	I don't really have a problem with some old bags.
	She's 57, selling her sexuality.
	Fine.
	No one wants to fuck you anyway.
	But young girls, if you're on OnlyFans, you're whores.
	And dads, if your daughter's on OnlyFans, you failed.
	Your job was to keep them off the poll.
	That's the digital poll.
	You fucked up.
	You're a failure.
	And finally, the reason I'm going through the paper is because I didn't want to miss this story.
	It's not in the notes, but a tear for Colton reveals, I'm gay.
	Wait a minute here.
	See how easy the New York Post is?
	Imagine this was the New York Times.
	The New York Post is contained.
	You can be on the train.
	You're not hurting anyone.
	You're not in anyone's way.
	The Times, you're like this.
	Fuck you.
	I have a parasail.
	I'm better than you.
	The Post is, I'm going to mind my own business.
	Anyway, Bachelor comes out.
	This guy's a hero because he wasted everyone's fucking time.
	Yeah.
	He's a queer who always knew he was gay.
	He's not coming out.
	He wanted to be on the TV.
	This happens all the time.
	And what annoys me about these guys who come out is no one gives them shit.
	Like, hey, you wasted all of this money, all of the contestants' time.
	Like the sound guy on that show, you wasted his fucking time.
	It's like that.
	There was some Australian dude or British guy who came out after three kids and a wife.
	And he's like, I'm gay.
	And everyone's like, good for you.
	Didn't you rape your wife then?
	She didn't know she was having sex with a fag.
	True.
	You did the Houdini.
	Yeah, like fucking Bruce Jenner.
	He was raping a woman for decades.
	Because he was a woman.
	She was having lesbian sex.
	And she didn't know.
	And he was using Caitlin Jenner's dick to do it, which is rude.
	Yeah.
	I wouldn't fuck you with Caitlin Jenner's dick.
	I would.
	Oh, God, that just reminded me of how tight Brian Stettler's wife's pussy is.
	Oh, my.
	It's brand new.
	It's factory reset.
	Good luck.
	You couldn't last 10 seconds, fucking Brian Stettler's wife.
	It feels too good.
	It still has the tags on it.
	I think it might have sealed back up again, like a wound.
	If it wasn't for her going pee.
	Right.
	Do they have kids?
	How big are his kids, this tall?
	They could only fit it.
	They're all flat.
	They have to come out prematurely.
	They have to come out at four weeks.
	They're regular size?
	They don't live.
	They're six feet tall, but they're flat.
	They're about a centimeter thin.
	Oh my God.
	Was your son run over by a Steamroller?
	No.
	My wife has an incredibly tight pussy, so my kids look like panini sandwiches.
	They're 2D.
	My children are paper.
	Where, uh, or does he have kids?
	Yeah.
	Let me see them.
	Let's see.
	Although, we don't always show kids on the show.
	Well, they're nobody's gonna do anything bad to their kids.
	So they're kind of funny how they black out kids' eyes when they're like babies and one.
	There he is.
	What am I gonna do?
	Bump into you?
	Hey, I recognize you.
	You're that baby.
	You're that baby from the TV.
	Said no one ever.
	How did that poor thing get out of there?
	Yep.
	What an accomplishment.
	Well, if you turn the camera sideways, like I said, it's just a line.
	Yeah.
	She can just hold him in a briefcase.
	Also in the news, Heidi Montag wore a bikini.
	I thought that you might want to know about that.
	I was stunned to discover...
	No, this is in our notes.
	We're back to the notes.
	One, two.
	I was surprised to see she's 34.
	Yeah.
	Doesn't she look like a MILF?
	Yeah.
	She looks way older.
	She looks like a 48-year-old who really kept it together.
	Yeah, like if Gigi Gorgis was like an actual chick.
	Yeah.
	And it's because of the nose job.
	Look at that.
	What have you done to your fucking face, all woman in California?
	Don't do that.
	How about her friend, though?
	Those are the perfect kind of imperfect tits.
	Don't you think?
	Amusing?
	Here, go.
	Oh, I see you.
	Yeah.
	Look at those.
	See, and what's great about that black bikini is it shows you what the tits would be without them.
	And you're like, I like their like two pencilers.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You're so, you're such a pussy right now.
	You're scared to describe their tits because you're worried your girl's going to be mad at you.
	No, it's not mad.
	She wouldn't be mad at all.
	But I just don't think it would make her feel very good.
	Women don't care if you admire someone else's tits in a photograph.
	You fucking Tim.
	Eh.
	Eh.
	It's not worth it.
	When I was a kid, my dad had a subscription to Penthouse.
	He would sit and read it in the living room.
	Well.
	Eh.
	I don't want my girl to know that I looked at boobies.
	It would hurt her deeply.
	Anyway, go back to those tits.
	Not yours, Heidi's.
	The other girl.
	Jennifer DeLegato.
	No, not the sh- Boomerang.
	It's too confusing.
	That one.
	Look at that business.
	That business.
	That's a per- She's a little skinny, but that is like a perfect business.
	That might be more than a two-penciler.
	No, it's two pencils.
	Okay.
	You're going too high up the cleavage.
	And don't cut her face off, you sexist pig.
	And also, ladies, that's how you present yourself.
	This sassafras thing, like, I am a woman.
	Fucking, I rock.
	That's gross.
	It's so unattractive.
	The one with the black bikini is like, hi, I'm a chick.
	This is what we do.
	There's some room for...
	You should like me, but if you don't, that's none of my business.
	Please move along.
	Leaving some mystery there here.
	Yeah.
	So your brain could do some weird shit there.
	But her-uh.
	Okay, let's start the show.
	Shall we?
	Yes.
	With some fake news.
	So this is what we described here.
	And it's, I got to say, the New York Post is one of the few papers with balls there.
	Page two, right after the front page, CNN death sells.
	Now, they're shitting on sort of their competition, so there's a priority there.
	But this was not trending on Twitter.
	Probably the biggest story of the year.
	And you know how they got this guy?
	We talked about it on the compound censored.
	He put his fucking face on Tinder and he said, I work at CNN.
	So they got a hot chick to start hanging out with him.
	What are you doing?
	Oh, yeah, there it is.
	And they come, well, go to the Hannity thing, 1-5.
	They got a hot chick to go hang out with him.
	He started bragging.
	Oh, great.
	Now, yet another explosive video from Project Veritas tonight.
	This may be the most revealing yet.
	It's fake news, CNN.
	All you have to do to insult someone is show a picture of their fucking face.
	The main guy, Jeff Zucker, doesn't he look like a hippopotamus?
	He looks like a whackpacker.
	He looks like a hippo from a cartoon.
	Hey, kids.
	Yeah.
	Like a Pixar.
	He looks like a Pixar hippo.
	And then Brian Stettler looks like a fingerprint.
	Outright admitting that CNN uses COVID to fear monger, spread panic, drive ratings, purposefully using death toll numbers in a pandemic to drive ratings for political advantage.
	You can't make this up.
	Pretty sick.
	Take a look.
	Can you make it up?
	Dick gets you in trouble, guys.
	Charlie Chester must be so mad at his dick right now.
	Well, I hope you're happy.
	You like the mess you got us in, you fucking stupid boner?
	Fuck you.
	I'm fired now, by the way.
	It's not easy to keep you in fresh hains with the shit you just pulled.
	Pretending you're flaccid, like you're sleeping.
	I know you're listening.
	Look at me.
	It does.
	It looks up with its money.
	Are you crying?
	Get in your pants.
	You made me spill the beans and now I'm fucking fired.
	Page two.
	I'm on Hannity right now, asshole.
	You tiny, stupid asshole.
	Right now, that makes me want to stick.
	Put the numbers back up because that's the most enticing thing.
	Anyway, we already have to cover this on Compound Censors.
	But I played that because I'm obsessed With the makeup department at Fox.
	I was always in trouble at Fox for pointing this out and refusing makeup.
	It wasn't my idea.
	Clinton Black did it once on Red Eye.
	He's like, I'm not wearing makeup, you crazy.
	And I went, you have to.
	And he goes, No, you don't.
	And I went, Yeah, why do I do that?
	It's like when I was a dishwasher at the Royal Oak in Ottawa, Canada.
	That's my jet, by the way.
	And the chef goes, why are you a dishwasher?
	I go, oh, I didn't have any experience cooking, so I couldn't have your job.
	He goes, I just lied.
	I said I knew how to do it.
	And then when I got here, it's just fried food.
	And I'd say, how do you guys do it?
	Because we did it differently.
	And they go, oh, you put in the fucking chicken fingers for two minutes and you put in the fries for three minutes.
	And I thought, why the fuck didn't I just lie?
	And ever since then, I've always lied on job applications.
	Here's what you do.
	Say I want to work at like a restaurant picking up plates, right?
	Being a waiter.
	You have a restaurant, El Spamonte's, a family restaurant.
	Make it exactly like the restaurant you're about to work at.
	Then you give them Ryan's number, your friend's number.
	Then Ryan changes his outgoing message to, hello, you've reached Al Spamonte's.
	We are open Mondays to Fridays.
	And then when they get through, Ryan has to go, oh, yeah.
	No, Gavin's an incredible worker.
	I'm sad to see him go.
	The guy made me a lot of money.
	The thing I love about Gavin is, without being pushy, he gets people out of their seats so we can get new people in.
	So he's like, can I help you with anything?
	And, you know, they don't linger after they're done their meal.
	And I could honestly see an uptick in gross revenue on the nights that Gavin worked.
	Got the job.
	And I think I know why.
	So anyway, just like that chef, when Clint Black said, you don't need makeup, I thought, yeah, you don't.
	And so I stopped getting makeup.
	And you don't look at all different on TV.
	In fact, you look better.
	Because if you go back and look at Hannity at the beginning of that clip, go back to the clip at the very beginning, you're like, something's not right with him.
	Look at him.
	He's like orange.
	He looks like an action figure.
	Like matte.
	He's matte.
	He's all like, look at my face.
	I'm pretty red as a Scotch-Irish, but there's some variety, you know?
	There's some wrinkles and there's darker hair.
	It's not consistent.
	He's perfectly consistent, just like a plastic dude.
	That is true.
	And it's confusing and it's not masculine and it's weird and it makes him less personable.
	It's bad for Fox.
	And it's especially bad on the billboards in Grand Central where it's like Fox News starring Tucker Carlson.
	And Tucker looks so weird.
	Look.
	See, Greg Abbott has no makeup on.
	Right.
	So this is a perfect example of how absolutely fucking weird you look when you wear makeup.
	He looks like a drag queen.
	It looks bizarre.
	RuPaul's Drag World starring Miss Hennity.
	And it makes you look like you have eyeliner because the contrast.
	I work at Fox News and I'm a big whore for Trump.
	Bray Liota, when he's getting us all made up.
	It looks like you have eyeliner.
	Look at that thing.
	Hi, boys.
	He just...
	Sean, you're Irish.
	You're not fucking an action figure.
	You have to stand up for yourself and say, no, I don't want makeup on.
	I want to look like Greg Abbott next to me, a human.
	Jim Goat's calling me, but I'm doing the show.
	I thought this was interesting.
	New York Nico.
	He sort of sums up modern New York, which is very woke, and I don't like it.
	When I moved here, New York was gritty and dangerous and rude and racist and sexist and homophobic and not safe.
	Now the young New Yorkers are woke.
	Wait, what?
	This is my friend Luke.
	You're kidding me.
	From high school, yeah.
	We actually saw, me and my girlfriend saw him.
	We were staying at the hotel because visiting my grandparents.
	We don't want to be banging and slamming over there.
	So we got a hotel.
	And he was outside and I caught up with him.
	And he had reached out to me.
	He was like, dude, I'm thinking about kind of like making a Proud Boys up here in Orange County.
	And then I got my account deleted.
	So I've been out of touch with him.
	But I literally just saw him two weeks ago.
	This is Luke, and he's amazing.
	Well, I'm sorry, but I'm about to make fun of him.
	Really?
	Oh, no.
	Yeah.
	New York Nico has a dating site for fives.
	That's like, okay.
	I don't think he thinks he's above a five.
	Hey, guys, what's going on?
	Nico informed me he's putting the New York Nico Connections series to bed tonight.
	So he's singing a lullaby.
	He's rocking it to sleep.
	So say goodbye, say Sinaris, say Avida Zane, say whatever the hell you want, but it's over tonight.
	All right.
	So I just wanted to say on behalf of all the Nico Connections, all the people he posted, thank you so much, man.
	Even if nothing matures out of this, this has been the best.
	This is my confidence.
	No, no, not a Bronx.
	He's from Washington.
	Oh, okay.
	Sure, it's Bruce Everlast.
	For the next one?
	Wait.
	Nico!
	Go back to New York, Nico.
	I've sent you the wrong clip.
	So that's him ending the dating site, but it was fun looking at it because it was just all of these five saying, hi, my name is Veronica and I'm ready to rock.
	Oh, wow.
	This is a whackpacker website.
	He looks like a hottie.
	Go with the guy with the glasses and the baseball jacket.
	Okay, all right.
	I got this on the other computer here.
	I can't wait to see what that guy has to say.
	Why aren't you logged in?
	What are you doing?
	I'm not on that computer.
	I have a feeling the IP address would get me caught again.
	Okay.
	This is a long way to go for an okay joke.
	Nico.
	For like, you know what?
	Let me hop on this shit as well.
	Why not?
	My name is Migs.
	Born and raised in the Bronx.
	I'm trying to fly.
	He takes off.
	I'm 22 years old.
	I'm trying to air it out.
	Okay, so that's a five.
	Let's see the next.
	Let's see the next five.
	Yo, New York Nico.
	That's a five.
	No.
	My name is Mariah.
	You're not supposed to be here, bitch.
	Thank you so much for doing this.
	These two girls have been sixes.
	I'm a 31-year-old hairdresser, native New Yorker.
	She looks like she's going to have an abortion.
	Five years old.
	What's she doing there?
	Hi, New York Nico.
	My name is Kelsey.
	I am turning 29 next week.
	I have the smallest top lip in New York City.
	I live in Manhattan.
	She's probably an emotional too.
	Actually, she kind of belongs to me.
	Let's see another one.
	Welcome to Nico.
	Dude, you have one hour left with that hair.
	This is the countdown.
	The last sands of the hourglass are trickling through.
	He might lose it in this video.
	In the end of the submission.
	Three, two, one.
	Costanza.
	Oh, okay.
	New York, Nico.
	This is Stella from Nuna Noodles.
	Queen of the Cookie.
	Cover Noodles on 32nd Street.
	Boy, these fives are brave.
	I have a noodle shop with my mom.
	What a great one.
	Yo, yo, yo.
	Yo, yo, he's shining at five.
	This guy's like a 6.5.
	In the gay community, he's like a 7.
	Yeah.
	How y'all doing?
	What's up, New York Nico?
	I see what you're doing.
	It's dope, bro.
	It's really dope.
	I really appreciate what you're doing.
	What's gay about him?
	What's he doing?
	I don't know.
	He's the earrings and the nose ring and the mustache.
	So this is what he does, is he takes these submissions and then puts their names all down.
	Hi, I'm Chelsea.
	I am 22 years old.
	I'm looking for a nice guy who will treat me right and who loves to play Animal Crossing.
	Oh, okay.
	We're not making fun of that person.
	I really hope she finds somebody.
	What's up, Nico?
	I love Nico Connections, and I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring.
	Name's Rocco, 34 years old.
	Clearly reading a script.
	I cry a lot.
	Really funny, really cool, really supportive.
	Doesn't yell at me all the time.
	And they really need to know how to cook.
	I really need someone who knows how to cook.
	What are you doing?
	Oh.
	I'm making a video.
	What video are you making?
	Funny one?
	No one even likes you anyway.
	I'm talking about.
	Oh.
	What is it?
	Take five to that was grim.
	Don't quit your day job, Scotts Tots.
	Oh, hi.
	It's a video.
	I'm a monster in a movie.
	I'm the Predator's friend.
	Hi, I'm the monster.
	It would have been in Predators, but they wanted to avoid an NC17 rating.
	I'm the first sketch of the predator.
	They didn't end up going with it.
	Okay, next.
	Oh, it's a video.
	This is for New York Nico Love Connection.
	I'm a guilt.
	This is a great thing you're doing, honestly.
	Is it a great thing?
	Is he curing cancer by helping uglies fuck?
	Yeah, this is about fucking.
	I'm out looking for love.
	I don't like that Romeo and Juliet fairy tale stuff.
	But if somebody came along, someone wants to skull fuck me and they'll buy me a handbag.
	I'm in.
	We'll give it a chance.
	Okay, next.
	This is like Trous.
	This is not Trouble.
	This is like what?
	I don't know.
	Trous.
	This is like Troubles.
	My name is Charles Joseph.
	I go by Sir Charles as a poet.
	I love writing poetry, but I'm really into art in general.
	I am 24 years old.
	I work a full-time job.
	I work with the city of New York to reach out to COVID-19 patients.
	You work a full-time job.
	I'm looking for something super casual.
	Super casual.
	Afropic?
	That's classic.
	I love getting to know people.
	I talk a lot.
	I love getting to know people.
	I love people.
	I hate him.
	Is he Dominican or black?
	What's up?
	Yo, what's good, New York?
	What's up, Nico?
	She looks like someone who's trying to track down the teenage mutant ninja turtles to kill them.
	She does.
	She's like Rocksteady's ex-girlfriend.
	Yeah.
	Hey, I just broke up with Bebop.
	I hate Michelangelo and Donatello and Raphael.
	They ruined our gang.
	Next.
	I'm looking at some pussy.
	What, whoa, did you just say some pussy?
	Oh, man.
	Okay, that's good.
	I like when lesbians are ugly.
	My name is Danielle.
	Cleans up the gene pool.
	I am a photographer, mixed media artist.
	I am originally from Fort Greene, Brooklyn, but now I live in Philadelphia.
	I look exactly like my dad dressed up as me for Halloween.
	I look like a Jordan Peele sketch.
	Next.
	Hey, Dan Nicole.
	How you doing tonight?
	I'm doing all right.
	My name is Joey T. Queens.
	Yo, I'm keeping it tight.
	Like Brian Stelter's wife's pussy dying.
	I want one last fuck before I go.
	Next.
	This is me, Queen Ra.
	Hi, Nicole.
	I'm in Taiwan, and I live in New York City for four years.
	I have two different eyes.
	Four years.
	One is a bio eye that can see through one.
	I'm going to go to the one on the street.
	And I'm looking for...
	What's up with the eyes?
	You know who has eyes like that?
	Boeing in my notes today, actually.
	She is suing the Proud Boys.
	We'll get to that.
	But we're going to keep going all the way down to 3-4.
	This is the lawyer who's suing Proud Boys on behalf of that black church.
	And she has two different kind of Asian eyes at the same time.
	Whoa.
	Whoa.
	Pick an eye and stick with it, lady.
	God.
	Dude, the mouth is...
	Dude, that is creepy.
	How many different faces are in her face?
	That looks like a creepy pasta thumbnail.
	It looks like someone who's taking a 3D animation course, and they're like, I made my mom.
	And you go, you're getting there, but this is an F. That's not going on the fridge.
	Because she has dignity.
	And she looks like an attack on Titan character.
	Okay, last story before we get into the news.
	You know that douche, David Hogg?
	Of course.
	This is my lawyer said.
	That crazy bitch who says the Jews have laser beams that they start fires with, you know, what's her name?
	Marjorie Taylor Green or something.
	Yeah.
	He goes, She chased a kid from Sandy Hook down the street and told him he wasn't at a shooting.
	No, she didn't.
	She chased David Hogg down the street and yelled at him for supporting red flag laws because they were both at a gun conference in D.C. Anyway, David Hogg decided, I hate Mike Lindell.
	He's a right-wing nut bar.
	Fuck him.
	He's evil.
	I'm going to start my own pillow company.
	And then after about it, and then he started tweeting things like, does anyone know any pillow manufacturers?
	And then he'd have a tweet like, does anybody know how you form a union?
	Because he wanted not just to beat Mike Lindell at the pillow game, which isn't easy.
	Mike Lindell was a meth head.
	He knows how to work for four days straight without eating.
	But David Hogg just wanted to start a new trade without working at a pillow factory or something.
	You'd think like you'd work in the pillow industry for a few years before you figured out how to start your own pillow company.
	And then you'd have tweets like, hey, does anybody know how to rent a factory or a building?
	Like the guy is an absolute imbecile.
	I know 21-year-olds are all dumb, like that poet we just saw who has a full-time job.
	But even within the world of 21-year-olds, this guy's a pathetic loser.
	Anyway, he's stepping down.
	After trying it for a few months, he's decided that starting a pillow company is hard.
	A couple weeks ago, a very spontaneous interaction over Twitter between me and William Legate led to us trying to start a progressive pillow company.
	See, this is, he learned a little lesson here.
	Starting a company, opening a lemonade stand is hard and dangerous.
	What if someone gets sick and they sue me?
	There's some risk involved.
	Opening a taco truck is much, much harder.
	You're still not even at restaurant yet.
	Opening a fucking factory to replace something that everyone uses and needs, good luck.
	And so he tried it and it was really hard.
	And keep going down here.
	I think it takes him nine tweets to say what he's trying to say.
	Keep going.
	Show this thread, obviously.
	What do you...
	Six.
	Yeah.
	Over the next several months, I will be taking some time to focus on my studies in college and advance the gun violence prevention movement with March for Our Lives and personally.
	Nice grammar.
	And then he goes on to say that William LeGate will be handling that.
	Good lesson there.
	He hired, like, he was hiring people on his team.
	There was like that gay black young kid.
	Yeah, they were all political pundit types.
	Yep.
	That were all going to help with the pillow revolution.
	It's like when you see these Marxist kids and they go, after the communist revolution, I want to design costumes and be a poet.
	And I also want to make Leninist cupcakes.
	Oh, that kid left Twitter too, or William Legate, rather.
	He left Twitter?
	Yeah.
	Oh, no.
	Anti-Trump goon leaves Twitter in disgrace after salami nipples revealed to world.
	Oh my God.
	Oh my God.
	Oh my lord.
	What were you thinking?
	I've never seen.
	What are you playing?
	Twister on your chest?
	What the fuck?
	Turn off your high beams, dude.
	It's daytime.
	Holy Toledo.
	Wow.
	Like, why would you post that?
	Especially when, look, there's a white hue around it like he was wearing a bikini top.
	Oh, yeah.
	You got to sort of zoom out to see it.
	Zoom out.
	Oh, you can see the bikini on, and that area got less sun.
	Those are the most unfortunate nipples I've ever seen.
	They both each belong on Nico's World.
	No, Nico's World is for fives.
	Those are sub-wives.
	Those are the worst nipples a man could have.
	And, you know, that's fine if you have them.
	Just don't post them and not expect to get Raz.
	Yeah, I'd leave Twitter too.
	I would leave Twitter too.
	You know, William Legate, you don't have to invent new pillows.
	Just use your fucking nipples.
	I'll sleep on those things.
	Pepperoni Gate.
	Salami pillows.
	Salami.
	That was a running joke we used to do a lot about the mob.
	We'd be like, yeah, my uncle owed the mob a lot of money and they fucked him up pretty bad.
	What did they do to him?
	Pepperoni sunglasses.
	So what's that?
	Oh, it's when they cut your nipples off and they stick them on your eyes.
	It sucks.
	It's pretty bad.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's sad.
	What happened to your uncle?
	He got a duck tail.
	Oh, what's that?
	It's when they cut open your asshole and pull your entrails out and then they use it to strangle a duck and then they make you walk around like that.
	Quacking, of course.
	Making a quack sound.
	Actually, the organs do a quacking similar to quacking sound.
	I only have one story for each of these subjects, so we don't have to do the bumper.
	But Canada's number two is a big fan of COVID.
	Oh, wait, I didn't do the feminism one.
	Okay.
	Well, do two one.
	They keep peeling back the curtain.
	Remember that Chinese woman who said we have to not give people too much freedom or they'll have no carrot on the stick to get the vaccine?
	I really believe COVID has created a window of political opportunity and maybe an epiphany.
	I really believe COVID-19.
	See, these people have always wanted communism.
	I'll never ever forget Thomas Friedman at the New York Times.
	This is back during Obama's years.
	So this would be 08 and 09.
	And he said, Don't you wish we could just be China for one year and then Obama could enact all his policies and then we go back to freedom?
	They want Stalinism.
	They want this to be Moscow.
	By the way, what?
	This was in the comments.
	Anyone recognize this MP wandering around naked in the office taking part of the hybrid parliament?
	Weird.
	Yeah.
	Cool.
	Nice body.
	Yeah.
	At least his nipples are normal size.
	They're correctly.
	I see your nipples.
	Okay.
	They're small as hell.
	I started my show showing my nipples.
	Pretty normal nipples.
	They're small.
	They're small.
	And I won't have any other other talk about it.
	Brian's very defensive about his nipples.
	I don't want them to be big.
	They're the opposite of his nipples.
	He wishes.
	From now on, every time we hire someone, it's censored.
	Yes.
	We say, we need to see your nipples.
	Yeah.
	Absolutely.
	And we'll put that in the job app, and it'll be our way of saying, no women.
	Aha.
	Yeah.
	Biz nipples as usual.
	Feminism.
	Don't show the feminism thing, but I thought this was interesting.
	This woman is always putting her foot, her big fairy arwa, mahadui feet in her mouth.
	Science finally admits that it's a myth that we fall off a fertility cliff at 35.
	She has no kids, and she's a spinster.
	And you'll notice these are the kind of women who are really into tracking hate.
	Stop lying to women.
	It's actually 37.
	Unbelievable.
	And by the way, it's a fertility cliff.
	And it doesn't go perfect baby, perfect baby, perfect baby, and then boom.
	It goes right.
	So 20.
	I mean, when you first menstruate, you're ready to have kids, but society has evolved and we don't want 14-year-olds having kids.
	So let's say college, whatever, it's not for you, or you're wrapping it up, 20.
	The body, 20.
	You're going to get a good five out if you start at 20.
	And then at 30, the hourglass turns upside down, the sand starts going.
	So all she's saying is the sand isn't totally done at 35.
	It's totally done two years later.
	So she's basically saying that's the end cutoff.
	The sand is dwindling.
	The sand's almost gone.
	The sand at 35 looks like that Nico dude's hair.
	Yes.
	Minutes left.
	And I've noticed personally that kids tend to be autistic more often when the kids, when the mom is old.
	You'll also notice there's a lot of twins around.
	That's because they take fertility drugs.
	But fertility drugs are bizarre.
	They'll have fucking nine babies in them and seven will die.
	So then they end up with twins.
	What was her two fuck-ups?
	Men are less likely to wear masks.
	Another sign that toxic masculinity kills.
	Shaming people who refuse to wear a mask isn't a good look.
	Yeah.
	I mean, there's women in journalism.
	They just barf it out.
	There's no heart to it.
	Consistency is overrated by Arwalal Bakamaldi.
	Speaking of which, look at this Proud Boys article.
	This woman, Tess Owen, has devoted her life to tracking hate.
	And we all know what that means, right?
	With Jared Holt and Will Summer and Christian Exu.
	Oh, he's back in the news.
	Let's just jump to him for a sec, 22.
	This guy devoted his life to doxing what he calls Nazis, which is just basically you and me.
	He has Joker's face.
	And because these people are insatiable saboteurs, they always end up sabotaging themselves.
	It's sort of like the jihadists.
	Most jihadists die making the bombs.
	They don't actually get the bomb to the target the majority of the time.
	So they start cannibalizing themselves.
	And it turns out that this fucker, who's gotten probably a dozen Proud Boys fired, is a sexual predator.
	And this isn't the first time he's been in the news.
	Anyway, these kind of people, they are focused on hate, not Aryan nations or bona fide hate groups, but someone like you or I using the N-word in an offensive joke and then letting it get known to the world so our kids aren't invited to parties.
	That's what they're all about.
	And in the case of these women, it's usually spinsters who have wasted their best years and they just, they hate men.
	They resent men because they blame men for their own fuckups.
	They're like, you should have put a ring on it.
	You should have married me.
	Now I'm a fake fucking journalist for vice writing about Proud Boys all day and all night.
	If you type in scary face in a Google search, it pops up.
	His face pops up.
	Oh, wow.
	That's not edited.
	Yeah, that joke took a while.
	So look at this.
	So this is the case.
	So that black church, the woman with the asymmetrical eyes, they're suing Proud Boys.
	What are you suing?
	And so first she has to pretend that Proud Boys have this secret cabal of LLCs.
	Well, even if that was true, doesn't that mean you can't sue them?
	Like there has to be a hub.
	This is 3-3, by the way.
	There has to be a hub for all these groups to get together to have a money source that you can sue.
	This is what the SPLC, remember?
	The SPLC, the case that bankrupted the KKK.
	The KKK, not that there's anything similar with the KKK and Proud Boys, but they sued them for like 200 million, whatever the fuck it was.
	And the KKK had a $60,000 warehouse.
	So the woman, the mother of that child who was murdered, Michael, what's his name, strangled, lynched by the KKK, she got a warehouse that she didn't end up selling.
	They still own it.
	That family still owns it.
	So you didn't bankrupt the KKK.
	They had no money.
	Similarly, what are you talking about?
	Bankrupt the Proud Boys?
	And she says, Jason Lee Van Dyke, now Van Dyke is a good guy, but he got harassed and stalked.
	Antifa came to his house.
	They terrorized his parents.
	And eventually he just snapped and said some bad words and nooses And N-words and all kinds of stuff.
	And he got kicked out of the group for that.
	I don't blame him for snapping.
	You can only take so much harassment of your mother and father before you go ballistic.
	But anyway, he's got nothing to do with it.
	But there's still focus on him because he got an LLC.
	He paid for an LLC, Proud Boys LLC, to be formed.
	But it doesn't do anything, it doesn't exist.
	There's nothing there.
	So anyway, Jason Lee Van Dyke, the lawyer who established Proud Boys International LLC, like this poor girl, she could be at home with beautiful children hugging her.
	But she spent researching dead corporations.
	Served as the group's, no, go back up, served as the group's interagrum, what's this?
	Interanum?
	I don't know that word.
	Interanum leader for just two days following Gavin McGinnis's.
	Now, I started the company she works at.
	And if you look at a paragraph below, the lawyers have stuck in a disclaimer where my name is spelled correctly.
	This is called editors with no heart.
	This is called incompetent journalists, but also editors with no heart who don't go in and read articles before they go out, which he announced in November, blah, blah, blah.
	During his very short tenure.
	Wait a minute.
	Wait a minute.
	So it's confusing with his there.
	You don't know if the his means me or Jason Lee.
	Terrible writing again.
	During his very short tenure, he inadvertently released the names of eight Proud Boy quote-unquote elders, which included Ethan Nordine, a Seattle-area Proud Boy currently facing serious conspiracy charges for his alleged actions on January 6th.
	Nordine pleaded.
	See, she's trying to be a journalist there.
	He's not facing serious charges anymore, my dear.
	It all got thrown out.
	It's all bullshit.
	They discovered the passport, the fake passport he made to flee the country was just his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's passport that was lying around in a drawer.
	Anyway, this goes on and on and on and talks about all the terrible things and all the crazy money that's going on.
	How can you bankrupt them?
	Yeah, there are dudes who sell merchandise that say proud boys on them.
	Some of those guys make pretty good money.
	You get to sue them because one of them ripped down a sign at a church?
	I'm in the Knights of Columbus.
	If I do something bad, do all the Knights of Columbus have to pay?
	I got nipples too.
	You going to milk me, Greg?
	Look at this word.
	This has to do with like thrones and kings and reigns and regimes or government periods or lapse or pause in a continuous series.
	But I feel like she heard that on like Game of Thrones.
	She's on Doctor Dictionary.
	I used to be on it too, and it's an email newsletter.
	And every day or two, they send you a big 50-cent word you can use.
	Wow.
	And she just crowbars it in.
	Her next article will have obstreperous.
	Obstreperous.
	I used to know that.
	What's that mean again?
	Let's see.
	It's a good word.
	When your throat's sore, obstreperous throat.
	Marked by unruly noisiness.
	Clamorous.
	Yeah.
	I want to be obstreperous.
	Aggressive noise.
	That's a good word.
	Hell yeah.
	Obstreperous.
	Let's put it in the title.
	Let me see the spelling.
	Obstrep.
	Obstreparous.
	And then we'll think of another word.
	Speaking of jargon, I saw this bizarre article.
	Where is it now?
	It is.
	2.5.
	It's a new kind of writing.
	It's this black woman who wrote this about racism, seeing in the dark.
	And you'll notice, by the way, a lot of black writing, especially black female writing, it has all the traits of female writing, which is going on and on and on and on about nothing, nattering.
	You hear them do it when they're walking down the street, just natter, natter, natter.
	But the black thing, too, is me, me, me, me, me.
	Black writing is about me search.
	In fact, there's a columnist in the Times, sorry, in the New York Post, and he calls himself the Renaissance Man.
	That's big with blacks.
	Jalen Rose.
	And I've noticed every article he writes is about me, me, me, me, me, and growing up poor and me, me, me, me, me.
	This week's guest on Renaissance Man is someone I've grown up with in the business.
	See, they get I into the first sentence.
	It's been a pleasure to see your gordon.
	I asked how she's been able to maintain her profession and be so good at her job so they give me giving me fluffy career.
	Like I, me, I had my privacy.
	And with this, this woman, of course, the first letter of her article is I. But so it natters on, it's all about me.
	But the wording she uses is so weird.
	This is a new language.
	So it starts out with, of course, her, it's a diary entry.
	I threw away half the house when my mother died.
	Baby shoes, undeveloped film, awards from, that's grammatically incorrect if you're doing a list, my dear.
	All of it was important.
	None of it was important.
	Not in the face of death.
	I had no place to put all that shit.
	And I couldn't be bothered.
	One child out of...
	Anyway, she gets into white power soon after this.
	Keep going down.
	White people had not developed a constitution for forbearance.
	Protective layers forged in the firestorm of injustice belong to people of color in this country and are not necessary where whiteness stands sentinel.
	Brazenly detached, unapologetically fragile, and woefully in denial, whiteness outsourced culpability and along with it, critical lessons in resilience and character.
	Poverty overflowing into violence.
	She's like the poet laureate.
	Poverty overflowing into violence in your neighborhood?
	Amanda Gorman.
	Buy a new house in the country.
	Funding model.
	Keeping your school overcrowded?
	Not to worry.
	Opt for private education.
	These habits of white power are designed to create a life unencumbered by the concerns of the oppressed.
	Well, check out this sentence.
	Go up.
	I can't read it because I'm in the way.
	A disassociation trifecta, distance, Fragility and denial ensures that the residual cruelties of white choices are barred from white view.
	The result is a fortress of dispassion through which empathy is hard-pressed to permeate, let alone justice.
	And what the fuck does that mean?
	Wait, go back down.
	The white nesting doll is all self-actualization.
	The top of Maslow's hierarchy.
	All to itself.
	I had to look that up.
	I'd never heard of Maslow's hierarchy before.
	It's some fucking kind of shit they do in social studies class.
	It's at the bottom of that paragraph.
	I didn't put a number on it.
	Look at this shit.
	This is what self-obsessed academics look up.
	If you look at the what's his name?
	Maslow.
	So how does it work?
	I guess your least important needs are your psychological needs, food, water, warmth, rest.
	And then they get more and more important, I assume, as you go up.
	How do these pyramids work?
	Safety needs, belongingness and love needs.
	Those are big, but not as big as esteem needs.
	And then, of course, the very top of the Maslow triangle of needs, self-actualization, achieving one's full potential, including creative activities.
	Like, this is why I hate school.
	This is garbage.
	Throw it out.
	Burn this book.
	Let's get with the Nazis.
	They're burning books.
	Hierarchy.
	I agree with them.
	Here's a chart about esteem and self-actualization and how they interact.
	No, I don't want that.
	Get that out of here.
	It's like when Derek Beckles and I were introducing all the bands at Intonation and we were being way too weird and it wasn't going well.
	He was wearing a Rainbow Klansman uniform.
	We were making, we had no bits.
	We would just sort of make up shit when we were there.
	And so some band was coming on.
	Big names at the time.
	And some band was coming.
	We also got Scary Perry to introduce all the shows too.
	We had him there.
	And we were trying to get out in front of the band.
	It was a band like Fishbone or something, some black band.
	And I was like, sorry, we're introducing the shows.
	And he goes, no, no, no.
	And the music was super loud.
	I was like, we have to get over there.
	And the manager of the band goes, they don't want you.
	I was like, oh, okay.
	Then I don't need to get over there.
	Oh, shit.
	That's how I feel about so much stuff, though.
	Gavin doesn't want you.
	Hey, Marlow, Triangle of Needs, I don't want you.
	Go.
	That sounds like such a manager thing.
	They don't want you.
	That's hilarious.
	Every time I'm not wanted to, I hear that in my head.
	Like, they don't want you.
	Hey, you guys playing dice?
	Yeah.
	They don't want you.
	Like, just deaf, like, as if you're deaf.
	Intonation Music Festival?
	Yeah, that was it.
	Vice put it on one year.
	That was dope.
	Wait, go back to that?
	Trifecta, I'll call it.
	The obstreperous trifecta.
	And now I got to think of a three because it's try.
	Black tr.
	Okay, blackie.
	What are you doing?
	Where is it again?
	Nowhere.
	Oh.
	Well, we didn't finish that woman who was going to sue the...
	Go to 3-5.
	So this is the new thing with these incompetent female writers who can't even spell names correctly.
	They go and write the article, and then this, they have a Beta Cuck nerd like Greg Walters, and he does all the research.
	Remember the other article that was like that?
	The Nazi hunters?
	And that way they can not get sued and not fuck up.
	They don't have the temerity to write articles.
	And these nerds don't have the heart to pursue something.
	So these dumb bitches pursue Nazism as a thing, which is really their hatred of men.
	And they see men as Nazis.
	So that's how it evolves.
	And then they have these cuck losers do their cleaning up, do the grunt work, do cross the T's and dot the I's.
	And that's what this fucking loser does.
	Some British pussy.
	And we know in Britain, if you're not working class, you're a pussy.
	That's just the way it is over there.
	But check out Tess Owen.
	She forwarded this clip.
	No one talked about this.
	So they had the all White Lives Matter thing that was meant to be a Nazi rally, and it was bona fide white supremacists.
	Okay, finally.
	We hear about them all day.
	Let's check them out.
	And no one shows.
	So instead of going, oh, I guess white power isn't a thing, they go, it flopped.
	Antifa sabotaged it.
	New for me, nationwide white supremacist rallies flop.
	And as I said on parlor, in other words, it ain't a thing, folks.
	White supremacy is swallowing up your time for no fucking reason.
	It's not a phenomenon.
	Stop.
	Stop labeling people Nazis and trying to ruin their lives.
	We just had a collection of them in California.
	They all got together.
	There was 11 people there.
	It's not a thing.
	Oh, yeah, what about Charlottesville?
	Yes.
	Charlottesville had maybe 200 in a country of 331 million.
	I call it some people did some things.
	How many albinos are there in America?
	Look that up.
	I bet there's more albinos than there are Nazis.
	My new official stance on white supremacy is there are more albinos than there are white supremacists.
	I apologize to albinos, but you should be happy you're here and not in Africa where they think your blood is magic.
	Can you believe they think bald people have gold coins in their head?
	They are hacking away at bald people's heads in Africa because they think there's money in there.
	Why?
	Why would they think there's money in there?
	Was there ever?
	Was one guy because he died, so gold nuggets fell out of his head?
	Maybe because they're white, they're like, oh, this guy's rich.
	No, bald people, I said, dumbass.
	There's two things going on here.
	One, albinos are magic.
	I have to cut their limbs off and get the blood because it's magic blood.
	And then two, bald people have nuggets in their heads.
	We should send Brian Stettler to Africa.
	Oh, my God.
	If you want to make good money, a gold head is coming.
	There is a lot of coins.
	There is a gold head coming from CNN.
	He eats the poo-poo.
	You need to get the nuggets from his brain.
	None of the coins that come out of his head will fit in his wife's pussy.
	It is too tight.
	It will squash them like when you put it on the railroad track and a train runs through.
	Railroad track.
	So do we know how many albinos are in America?
	There's thought to be one albino person every 17,000 to 20,000 people.
	The world population is around 7.4 billion.
	So that divided by that.
	So we'll simplify it to 435,000 people.
	Wait a minute, you're doing math.
	That's bad.
	I look away for one second and Ryan's doing math.
	That's like seeing a kid near the fireplace.
	Get back.
	Step away from the numbers.
	Well, this, though, but this isn't the world.
	So half a million.
	So, wait, move over.
	I can't read it.
	The other way.
	Okay.
	There's thought to be one albino person for every, is that 17,000 to 20,000 people?
	All right, so let's say 20,000 people, right?
	20,000 people.
	So what's 331 million divided by 20,000?
	So you cross out four of the zeros, one, two, three, four, and you're left with 33,100 divided by 2.
	So that's like whatever, 16,000, right?
	33,000.
	Half of that is 16,000.
	So there's about 16,000 albinos in America.
	So there's way more albinos than there are right now.
	That's if it's not a regionally influenced thing, right?
	It's not, right?
	Okay.
	What ethnicity are albinos, somebody asked.
	Are you fucking crazy?
	Okay, we're running out of time here.
	I had a lot of racism to discuss, but we've kind of overdone it here.
	Let's jump over to the mailbag, shall we?
	Ookie-dook.
	Brian, shut up, you don't have a dance.
	Let's turn the race together's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	I've got a very exciting letter for you today, Rygai.
	Cool.
	And it is my grandfeather writing a letter.
	It's a draft of a letter he wrote to his MP about the hydrogen bomb, the H-bomb, nuclear bomb.
	And his contention is in the letter that you should not have an H-bomb.
	And the real cause of war is capitalism.
	Yes, that's correct.
	I'm going to have to email these to you.
	I forgot to do it.
	Save.
	Sorry.
	I also have a fun letter.
	It's not really a letter, but my friend, Alex, we were pals in college, and she was always very cool.
	And she's dumped me because of Trump.
	She trumped you.
	She trumped me.
	But Trump's not in office anymore.
	And I happened to be in her neighborhood in Soho the other day where she runs a plus-size clothing place.
	And I said, hey, I'm in your hood.
	Let's grab a beer.
	And she's like, I'm not around there today.
	And I said, oh, okay.
	And then just as a joke, I said, I miss you so much.
	But more importantly, I miss us.
	And she goes, I think you miss, I miss the old you.
	And I think you do too.
	So here we go.
	So I thought I'd read this to you just for fun because I'm sure you've been through this a million times, MAGA people.
	She goes, Gabby, you miss the person you once knew, as do I. And I go, wait, are you implying that the media is right about me and somehow I've become this horrible person?
	That means you believe strangers over someone you've known for 30 years.
	And she goes, I'm the only one that's pursued this friendship over the past, she says, 20 years.
	Maybe she thinks he's younger than she is.
	And I was like, okay, that's true, but you're not exactly Cortez, the great explorer.
	You sent me a few emails.
	But she goes, I don't need the media to tell me anything.
	You have done the talking, and that has broken my heart in the last few years.
	I go, give me a quote.
	She doesn't give me a quote.
	They never do, of course.
	And I go, I 100 guarantee the thing you found offensive is either one, a joke, two, a fact, or three, perfectly normal coming from a middle-aged father of three.
	And then she goes, I keep waiting for you to tell the world that this is some kind of long-running Andy Kaufman provocative comedy shit.
	My brother didn't speak to me for two years because I was constantly defending you.
	And then it just became impossible, especially during the last presidency.
	I said, gonna need a quote, honey.
	And then I said, I'm sorry, I think Trump was awesome.
	So did half the country.
	It's not really a radical belief.
	And then she goes, the you I know and love is way too smart to think he was awesome.
	I insist on thinking this is some sort of pathology.
	That way, I can at least think of you without it.
	I go, no, you're the one with a pathology.
	You have Trump derangement syndrome.
	And you people never name specific policies.
	I have policies I like.
	Isolationalism, nationalism, anti-globalism, the border, the economy, freeing America from all this woke bullshit, saying we don't need to go through HR programming through the government to learn how important trans people are.
	Finally, getting on with business and enough of this meandering bullshit like fucking obstreperous onomatopoeia and Mason's triangle, all that shit, that academic claptrap.
	So I have policies I want to discuss.
	And then she just ends this with, I can only imagine this is exhausting for you.
	Shut up, Janet.
	You come across as a bitch.
	Okay.
	So let's read the letters from my grandfather.
	This would be like 19, probably 55.
	And it's kind of hard to read.
	This is a working class guy.
	So he worked at the newspapers, like replacing the roles.
	And him and his boys, his generation, his people, his demographic, they kept pushing for unions.
	And they got stronger and stronger until the newspapers all went under.
	Glasgow used to be the epicenter of tabloids like this.
	They basically invented this type of newspaper.
	And you wouldn't have the National Enquirer, you wouldn't have the New York Post, you wouldn't have any of these papers without Glasgow.
	But they fucked themselves by driving up the price of labor too high, and Glasgow's industry shut down.
	In fact, Glasgow's entire industry shut down.
	They used to have shipbuilding.
	They used to have it.
	Now all they have is whiskey and a bit of oil.
	Dear sir, the meeting abores, he's using quotes now.
	The meeting abhors the use of H-bomb and calls upon the government to stop H-bomb tests and participate in a summit conference.
	That's him quoting them, right?
	How often have we seen this type of resolution passed at a variety of trade unions and other meetings?
	Should be a question mark there, Johnny McInnes.
	This guy changed our name from McGinnis to McInnes because he was a bookie and no one would trust an Irishman.
	They also seem to have the same effect as a knock on the door of an empty house.
	The ritual too is exactly the same.
	The mover?
	The mover reads out a few of the possible horrors of H-bomb warfare and scares the pants off everyone.
	He is then followed by speaker after speaker in the same vein.
	Then the vote is taken, carried unanimously and everyone is happy.
	Or are they?
	The writer is sorry to make no light of it at all, as he knows that some well-meaning folk really believe that this is the way to get rid of H-bombs and then go on to general disarmament.
	But you know it's all been tried before and as history shows, it's all failed before too.
	First, let the socialist point out that the problem of the H-bomb is irreparable from war, inseparable from war, which in turn is inseparable from the system of society in which we live.
	This system produces poverty, insecurity, disease, and all the vicious things that stem from those, and it gives rise to the wars for which governments are constantly preparing.
	So his contention is capitalism breeds war, and that's why we need H-bombs.
	Socialism, the second it gets any power, breeds war.
	Ever heard of Stalin?
	Venezuela and Cuba would love to go to war.
	Every time Cuba scraped together 300 construction workers and went and invaded Grenada.
	Then guess who fought in Grenada?
	America?
	Unreliabil.
	Ah.
	It all comes back around.
	Grenada.
	But it's such a strange argument that socialism would prevent war.
	Socialism is nothing but death.
	The socialist doesn't have these points just to be awkward or to be academically correct.
	The writer has children, including my dad, and realizes the stakes are very high.
	In fact, the possible extermination of many of us.
	But resolutions of disapproval of war and of certain methods of warfare have all been passed before.
	They have all had no effect.
	Facts have been made.
	No pacts have been made.
	International organizations have been set up.
	In fact, every method of getting real peace and disarmament has been tried except socialism.
	And then he went on to try socialism in Glasgow and destroy his own job.
	Time and time again, the socialist has demonstrated that war stems from capitalist struggles for markets, trade routes, sources of raw materials, and pieces of strategic importance.
	Places of strategic importance.
	I agree with you on this, Grandad.
	I don't want war.
	I'm an isolationist.
	I don't like all these trade routes shit.
	Why don't we just buy the spices from India and the Caribbean?
	Why don't we just buy the oil from the Middle East like we do now?
	All this springs from the production for sale with a profit motive for a small section of society, the capitalists.
	This in itself works against the interest of the overwhelming majority of society, the working class.
	This working class is in every nation and faced with exactly the same problems as the working class of Britain.
	So it is at this level that international conferences must take place and it must be international conferences for socialism.
	The leaders of the mere nations will be conferring in the interest of the particular units of capitalism they represent, trying to fiddle the spoils of war without actually going to war.
	And then he wraps it up here.
	So this was so important to him, he wrote a draft.
	This is like when Archie Bunker wrote a letter to Nixon.
	And trusting each other about as much as the proverbial cat and mouse.
	If anybody can really delude themselves into believing that out of conferences of this nature, the peace of the world will come, their gullibility can know no bounds.
	It goes deeper than this.
	For there's resolutions for These resolutions are red herrings and time wasters.
	We have a job to do in this century, the establishment of socialism.
	And while workers are pursuing their dreams...
	Oh, he spelled their wrong.
	Huh.
	Oh, these dreams now.
	And while workers are pursuing these dreams, they are falling down on their historically appointed task.
	Signed, John McInnis, Glasgow Branch, card number 236.
	SARS in the right place, though.
	Was it no?
	And it was a different time in the 50s.
	The war had just ended.
	They were starting anew, coming up with systems to rebuild the West.
	That was the mailbag, right?
	We started that.
	Oh, yes.
	Are we way over two hours?
	No, no.
	We're at 132.
	Oh, my God.
	I have some great news.
	Okay, do the mailbag thing.
	Oh, we did it.
	Oh, we did?
	Yep.
	Wow, my mistake.
	My mistake.
	Dude, I'm going to stop boxing.
	You're getting pugilistic?
	I remember I had a neighbor in Ottawa on 38 Stinson Avenue in Nepean who he was a boxer and he quit the day that they said, round six.
	And he went round six.
	You don't go from round one to round six, guys.
	You mean round two?
	It goes one, two, three, four, five, six.
	What is he talking about?
	It did go one, two, three, four, five, six, dude.
	And he just had a time fold.
	That's massive.
	He wasn't hurt.
	Right.
	Time just went zroomp.
	And he lost four rounds, five rounds.
	Each round is a minute 30?
	What?
	Each round is how long?
	I think they're two minutes.
	That's a lot of time.
	Yeah.
	30 seconds in between.
	Holy shit.
	They're three minutes at my gym, but that's to trick you so when you go into an actual fight, everything seems easy.
	But we played Ryan Shut Up.
	You don't have a dad?
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	You were even humming along to it, but you were on your phone.
	Wow.
	Okay, so this is some exciting news.
	This has been a pretty fun show, I think.
	You know why it's been a fun show?
	I didn't just, I wasn't a slave to my notes.
	I didn't mention half the stories I had.
	I had a bunch of racism stories.
	And that's how you make a good show.
	You decide how long you talk about something.
	We're in control here, not this paper.
	I'm not no papers bitch.
	Just gonna send it.
	Okay, unfortunately, I don't know if I've just sent you this already.
	But there was a girl.
	We found the perfect 10.
	And we fell in love.
	And then she deleted her Instagram account.
	Oh, yeah.
	And we went to Wayback Machines.
	We were in tears.
	Not more so you.
	Everyone was crying.
	Everyone.
	And then it was gone.
	But this guy, he's a viewer from...
	Where is he from?
	His name's Dakota.
	I got him.
	I don't know.
	He's a cool-looking dude.
	Show a picture of him.
	We don't want to get him canceled, but.
	Oh, you don't have a picture of him, right?
	I never sent you the original.
	So that's not it.
	His name's Dakota.
	He's heavily influenced by the show.
	And I just sent you an email of his with him on it.
	I don't think I could find one flaw with this outfit he's wearing.
	The socks are great and fun, very ska-based.
	The pants, if you're going to go for a ska look, you better be pretty slim.
	Shirt looks perfectly tailored.
	Top button done up.
	Oh, there we go.
	He's got the Lokes, I think those are.
	Those look like Doc Martin Lokes, or maybe they're the Bristols.
	Oh, I don't know.
	I think those are...
	Fuck, I know what there's a call, too.
	Damn it.
	Yeah, I think I was looking.
	I was looking at those.
	They're called Bristols.
	Okay.
	Lok Bristols.
	The Lok ones are like $700 or some crazy shit.
	L-O-A-K-E.
	But Dr. Martin has a cheaper version that you can usually pick up.
	And he's got the rugby tie with the skulls on it.
	Great looking guy.
	I'd fuck him.
	With your heels on?
	He turned us on to with your heels on?
	With my heels on.
	But he turned us on to the perfect woman.
	And here she is, folks.
	I go ham.
	Sarah Ham.
	No, that's not it.
	That's the worst picture of her ever made.
	It's in the...
	Did you put up the picture of him?
	Yep.
	What's in that email?
	Oh, not the first one.
	No, the first one is just like some clothing store she works for or something.
	Oh, she's back.
	She's back.
	Whoa.
	So what happened there?
	I assume some of these pictures are sexy, and I assume that her husband saw them and said, what the fuck are you doing?
	Oh.
	Take those down.
	So that's her profile now.
	But Ozzy Osborne dressed as a woman.
	Let me see if...
	Oh, no, the sexy pic is still up there.
	This is what you want in a wife, guys.
	If you find one of these, tackle her and put a ring on it.
	They don't even have a TV in the living room.
	Look at the picture with the fishnets.
	It's down a bit.
	Wait, is it that one?
	Top right?
	No, more on.
	Keep going.
	It's that one in the middle.
	Oh, Jesus.
	But she's got stilettos on.
	And I think she's Canadian from Winnipeg or something.
	And her favorite things are riding on motorcycles and playing with her daughter and listening to Motorhead.
	I mean, it's a good blueprint.
	I don't want you to marry her.
	She appears happily married.
	So stay the fuck away from her, you disgusting pigs.
	But this is what you're looking for in a chick.
	Are you not showing these?
	I was.
	Perfect amount of makeup.
	Oh, are you worried?
	You're going to get in shit from your girlfriend, you fucking faggot?
	No, I'm looking up in this one.
	So I could...
	It won't let me click the picture until I log in.
	So here I am.
	Stunning.
	That's perfect.
	This is a 10.
	They're very rare.
	And sometimes you'll see a girl this perfect, and her husband will be a twat, and you'll think, Where the fuck did that happen?
	But her husband is so much better than me.
	Oh, geez.
	He's so much cooler than me that I'm like, all right, good.
	This has been well managed.
	Like, nature ran its course.
	And a 10 got it.
	He's a 10.
	I think I might even be more attracted to him.
	Where is he?
	You'll see him.
	He pops up.
	He's very busy.
	He's on his motorcycle all the time doing cool guy stuff.
	CGS.
	Cool guy stuff.
	Oh, wait, wait, go back.
	See that picture above the cartoon?
	Selfie in the bathroom?
	I mean, what?
	Look at that thing.
	If I was her husband, I would plant a GPS tracker in her belt because I'd be worried about someone pulling up in a van and stealing her.
	Go to the one before that.
	Look at that one.
	Wife.
	It's pretty badass.
	Ring on it.
	What are you doing?
	Oh, she did get married, Gavin.
	Oh, okay, good.
	Yeah, but to me, not to him.
	Got the wrong guy.
	Hey, no for nothing.
	If your husband, who's, there he is, he's a 10.
	If your husband and my wife are in a plane crash, I'll be available to console you.
	Look at that real man.
	It's not even a Levi's jean jacket.
	It's like some other thing, a Wrangler or something.
	He just picked it up.
	He was like, yeah, this will do.
	Yeah, just fucking, look at that.
	Oh, that's him.
	Even his fucking motorcycle's awesome.
	I'm gay.
	Hey, can I watch you guys fuck through a peephole?
	Okay, I don't like saying that when there's a baby on the screen.
	I am gay.
	Keep going.
	Can we say?
	Dude, you have to save this page in case we lose her again.
	Yeah, you can do that quite easily.
	You try to save.
	This is called life goals, folks.
	We're not simping.
	Simp if you want the person.
	I don't want her.
	I want her to continue to live a happy life with her gorgeous, cool husband.
	You're just happy for her.
	He's a 10.
	I'm just very happy.
	Nigga's a teen.
	Yo, nigga, you a 10.
	Motherfucker.
	Oh, tens walking around.
	Huge bazooms?
	Or is that someone else?
	Yeah, it might be somebody else because she blocked out the physace.
	They look like fun dudes to hang with, don't they?
	Yeah, that's a party.
	Although they probably hate me because I'm a Nazi.
	He's kind of edgy.
	He likes Trump.
	Yeah, they all hate Trump and racism.
	The Nazis.
	They have a crossed out swastika.
	What else do you hate?
	Dracula and werewolves.
	I used to wear swastikas just as a fuck you.
	Yep.
	Anyway.
	High quality broad.
	I'm glad she's back.
	HQB.
	Put that on your to-do list to save, Ryan.
	Although we've already milked it to death, right?
	Have you?
	Her comments are from four weeks ago.
	Oh, I saved her entire page.
	So now it's just on our computer.
	Here, go back to the very top.
	Last thing we're going to show on her.
	This is life goals, folks.
	Look at the movie.
	It's number like 369.
	Click on that movie.
	Life goals, folks.
	Trying to eat a hot dog off a chain.
	Nice.
	Imagine it's just you swinging from it, presenting your dick as a hot dog.
	Actually, I'm so into her, I would chop my dick off and put it on the chain just so she'll watch on the bushes.
	And I'll just have a tear going down my face as my dick gets touched by her lips.
	And then I'd slowly bleed to death in the grass.
	Ba-boom!
	And my last words are, worth it.
	This last, yeah, there's just a note, this is worth it.
	Signed Gavin.
	And he bled out with binoculars by his side in the bushes.
	And apparently his penis was found on a string.
	Bled out with binoculars.
	Okay.
	What was that?
	I'm still trying to look at this intonation fest.
	Imagine all you see with the binoculars, instead of her touching it, she comes, wait, wait, wait, guys, stop.
	And everybody stops.
	And she's like, it's somebody's dick.
	And then they start making fun of it all.
	And they're like, it's gross looking.
	The last thing I hear as I'm dying is, ha, ha, fat.
	You're just echoing laughter.
	It's so small.
	Like that guy, Dave Smith and I see this big fat pig at the Creek in the Cove, the libertarian comedian.
	Who's fat now, by the way?
	Dave Smith is fine.
	Is he actually fat?
	Yeah.
	I thought that was a fucking filter.
	Oh, maybe it is.
	I don't know.
	I just saw him a couple weeks ago on the Legion of Skank show.
	Oh, and he looked normal?
	The comedy podcast show?
	I haven't talked to him in a long time.
	I'm just going to text him right now.
	Hey, man.
	Yeah, look at this.
	Are you fat now?
	So people are selling Big E him merch.
	But I don't know if he's actually a fat so watso.
	There, I just text him.
	Wait, are you fat now?
	You're dead to me.
	No, I don't think it's real.
	I think it's a meme that's.
	Jews can look very Hispanic when they get fat.
	Hell yeah.
	Anyway, so me and that guy, there's some big fat pig, and he had just been on stage.
	We looked up.
	I used to know his name.
	Remember, we talked about this on the Gavin McKinnis show.
	He was a porn star in the 80s, good looking guy.
	And he is now like this fat.
	And he gets on stage and he says, back when I was a porn star, I fucked Goldie Hahn at the behest of, what's his name?
	Escape from New York.
	Oh, fucking Russell.
	Kurt Russell.
	Kurt Russell.
	Kurt Russell had me fuck Goldie Hahn in front of him because I'm a porn star.
	I was good at it.
	But it totally bombed because no one in the audience, they're all millennials.
	They don't know who Kurt Russell is, who Goldie Hahn is, what a porn star is.
	So it flopped.
	So you bombed, big deal.
	That's what happens on Open Mic.
	But it gave him a panic attack.
	So he goes to the thing, and he's like, I got to sit down.
	So he sits down, he undoes his belt, and me and Dave are like, fucking fat pig.
	And then he goes, I need a drink, give me a drink.
	And we're like, the custom is to come to the bar and ask the bartender.
	You don't really yell, give me a drink with your fucking pants undone.
	He's like, I don't feel good.
	I don't feel good.
	Like, yeah, that's clear.
	And we're shitting on him.
	And the waitress eventually, the bartender, brings him a beer or water.
	And he's like, I'm freaking out.
	I'm freaking out.
	He dies.
	Whoa.
	It gets worse and worse.
	The fire department comes.
	They put him in a, we're in the basement of the Creek in the cave.
	They put him in a wheelchair that's this big, and it's like reinforced with iron bars.
	And it takes four beasts that look like Captain America to get him up the stairs.
	Gong, gong, gong, like two pulling and two pushing.
	And they finally get him up there.
	And then we go and we did, I guess I did Legion of Skanks.
	And then we go back out to have more drinks.
	And there's his brother.
	And he goes, were you just here with a big heavyset guy?
	You know, when someone says heavyset, it means I liked him.
	Right.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	What happened with him?
	He was freaking out.
	They go, he died.
	And Dave and I realized his last moments on Earth.
	Were me and Dave going, I'm like, no, no, no.
	Oh, no.
	Not in fucking fat big of a fatso.
	Just like them laughing at your bleeding.
	Oh my God.
	Yeah, that's like hell.
	And all the porn is going flashing through his life.
	He sort of can see coherently, even though he feels his heart going boom, boom, boom, boom.
	But he can still see.
	Get it yourself, fuck me.
	Drink of water.
	Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.
	Oh, no.
	Don't be fat, kids.
	Oh, that's the moral.
	That's the moral.
	Yeah.
	I don't feel bad.
	How the fuck is I supposed to know?
	What are you looking up?
	Trying to find that episode?
	Yeah, it's not easy to be.
	You might look up like Pornstar, Pornstar, Pornstar Dead.
	Cave?
	Dead Pornstars.
	Story on Rescue Squad Volunteer who was a former porn star.
	What was it called?
	The Creek in the Cave?
	Creek in the Cave.
	The Creek in the Cave.
	The Creek and the Cave dies.
	Heart Attack?
	Yeah, that's going to take some looking.
	Yeah, but he'd fucking die, dude.
	Wait, Darren Dylan?
	Looks like it might be his name.
	No, no, no.
	Alright, sorry.
	Back to work.
	Back to work.
	Hola Chola and Hege, how's this rate on a 1 to 10 crying scale?
	Wait, that's the first one there?
	I got it.
	You have to jump ahead to like 246, right?
	I've seen this actually.
	Does he start crying?
	No, I don't think so.
	I'm going to rate that as zero on the crying scale.
	Okay, that's fair, but he also wrote a song and he's like, I think this is my last song I'll ever write.
	Because I'm old as hell.
	I wish an original song.
	Yeah, and that one's really good.
	It's like talking about him being an old man and what life was like when he was young and time going by.
	Pretty good.
	Boring.
	All right, this Uyghur Muslims guy keeps emailing us.
	He's back again.
	And he says, My point was about how Arab Muslims treat the Chinese Uyghurs.
	That scene is in relation to the blacks' view, the Ofae Patty ass.
	Why am I adamant?
	Spelled wrong.
	The left is silent on yet another group that doesn't benefit them for votes, so more posturing and further satiation.
	If I have to see another Hate As No Home here sign on $3 million neighbors' properties that would never have a North Philly family for a Gladwin dinner party, I only will see them focus...
	Yeah, dude, you can't speak English.
	You're hard to understand.
	But I get it.
	They don't care about the Wiggers.
	I want you to hear the song PRD, Punk Rock Died by the Jacksonville, Florida band Grundig.
	It's on their AP Into Everything.
	Why?
	Okay, Punk Rock Died by the Jacksonville, Florida by Grundig.
	That's a lot of copying, pasting, and deleting.
	Yeah.
	By the punk rock band called Gruntig.
	This guy sends us Hagler versus Hearns, 1985.
	This is like having every big exchange in a fight packed into one round.
	Yes, we often mention this fight as the greatest, most savage fight of all time.
	In fact, when I did my first episode of Compound Censored, I said that was Hagler versus Hearns.
	Like, I need to, when I do Anthony's show, it's fucking hard work.
	It's like tennis with John McNamara, like, whack, whack.
	Like, I'm fucking exhausted at the end.
	I actually appreciate the walk back to my studio because I need some time.
	We did a Hagler Hearns.
	We did Haggler versus Hearns, you fucking stupid tard.
	Yeah, bitch.
	Here we go.
	Yeah.
	Thanks for showing us something that's already on the site.
	Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Fagg.
	I believe he's using the phrase, oh, shut up, shut up, shut up.
	Who's that about the song?
	This is from a guy named H. I'm over to 1.39 p.m. now.
	Anyone remember that there were media reports of Derek Chauvin and George Floyd working together?
	This was never brought up in Chauvin's trial.
	I looked it up.
	It turns out they may not have worked together.
	Okay.
	Thank you for that, Heather.
	Your threat to fire Ryan yesterday reminded me of this.
	The movie's entertaining and has a lot of good lines, but Buddy's character takes the cake.
	Okay, so he wants us to see a movie.
	Von der Lost.
	Simple dad entry.
	Do they still use computers in New York City?
	Yeah.
	You want me to enter this data?
	You're questioning me?
	Don't question me.
	Here, you're not my brother.
	You're not my buddy.
	You're my employee.
	You're my employee.
	Got it?
	Are you serious?
	Am I serious?
	You're fired.
	You're rehired.
	Okay, consider that a warning shot.
	Get to work.
	Panco, watch this guy.
	That's the funniest person I've ever met in my life.
	Keep your eye on Panco, because I don't trust these people, okay?
	That guy, Ken, he's got a weird name.
	Like he's Japanese.
	He was the guy that Kenny Powers got fired in Eastbound and Down.
	Ken Fosito.
	Ken Marino.
	Marino.
	I guess that's not so weird.
	Ken Marino.
	He's a Japanese man named Marino.
	Very Italian funny.
	Funniest fucking guy.
	His wife's Asian.
	He's awesome.
	I was at Jennifer Anison's house with boring people.
	She had paid Samantha.
	What's her name?
	She's a DJ.
	Her sister's famous.
	I forget her name.
	She's like a wigger.
	But she was DJing and she had all of these people to make the party fun.
	And we were playing charades.
	And him and I and his wife decided, let's just cheat.
	So when I was doing the movie, I'd be like, Star Wars.
	And I'd be like, and they're like, space, space, outer space, Star Wars.
	That's market audience.
	When I first met him, I was talking about masturbating.
	This is the first time I ever met him.
	And I go, yeah, the problem with beating off is, you know, you have a wife.
	So you got to like imagine her dying in a plane crash before you can start beating off because or else it's infidelity and it's not this fun.
	You feel guilty.
	And he goes, wait a minute.
	You're crashing a plane just so you can beat off?
	And I go, yeah, I guess so.
	He goes, you ever think about the other people in that plane?
	And I go, no, I never did.
	He goes, some old lady's going to visit her grandchildren for the first time and you're careening that plane into a mountain?
	Fuck you.
	Quality.
	And it's rare, like when you meet celebrities, it's rare that they live up to anything, let alone way funnier than you thought.
	He has the sprinkles, that's for sure.
	Here's a compilation of things that build up your anticipation, but don't give you finality.
	You can skip the first one.
	Only Ryan will understand it.
	Well, that's mean.
	Unless it's something gay, then that's mean to me.
	Yeah, that's Tetris.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, you know, there's Reddit slash satisfying, where it's a bunch of things that are, like, look good to do.
	This is like eggs getting stuck to a pan, and like, when you rip off the label for a thing.
	Oh, wow.
	That one really sucks.
	I wasn't familiar with this genre, but it's awesome.
	Wait, that one really sucked.
	Oh.
	This is my sex life in a nutshell.
	I keep thinking it's going to move, or we're going to get a second.
	This is like my wife dressed up in lingerie.
	And we think it's going to be a long session.
	And I'm like, whoops.
	Sorry.
	Here we go.
	It's going to hit the explosive end.
	Wait, I can't.
	This is bad for me.
	Yeah, I don't think you have the IQ to handle this.
	You should probably stop.
	I don't like it.
	I want to see it do the good thing.
	Did somebody make it extremely difficult?
	Yeah, yeah.
	But all the same, I play the screen.
	That's what I've all done.
	Alright, that's enough.
	We got it.
	The mailbag turned into final video, so we might as well go to the final video.
	Yeesh.
	The lag has made it so every video we show is exactly that unsatisfying.
	Have you given up on that or we've just assumed that it's um you're waiting for the new try?
	It's the new try.
	Okay, let's just only do four, three.
	This trans shit has gotten so insane that I'm now them.
	This guy is a lesbian who is non-cis female presenting.
	In other words, it's a slightly eccentric heterosexual male who has something stuck to his hat.
	I got I'm eccentric.
	I occasionally have shit stuck to my hat.
	Not a ponytail, but some stuff.
	What's he got?
	Well, first off, I don't say I'm trans female.
	Is it?
	Well, first off, I don't say I'm trans female.
	I am trans female.
	It's not really up for debate.
	And I think what you meant was why don't I present more cis presenting female?
	It's kind of hard to understand, but I'm a big lesbian.
	And I have no actual interest in presenting as a cis feminine female because that's an entirely brainwashed image.
	It was Created by Hollywood and the fashion industry and the porn industry, all of which were at one point controlled by men.
	Yes, the patriarchy brainwashing society into what they wanted women to be and look like.
	So I hope I answered your question that I am presenting as feminine.
	I'm not presenting as cis presenting feminine because it's a lie.
	Well, first off, I don't see.
	Got it?
	Do you understand?
	Yes, I do.
	Yeah, I do.
	But Jesse from Breaking Bad has fallen a long way.
	He sure has.
	So, folks, this is what happens when you listen to the radical left.
	Rashida Tlaib wants us to get rid of the police.
	AOC wants us to spend $650,000 per person making America more green, including all of its buildings.
	Okay, I guess we knock down Manhattan and rebuild it.
	Or every building from now on.
	Do they have grass coming out of the windows?
	What's going on?
	We're done hearing their side.
	Okay, after Martin Luther King was assassinated, we said, what the fuck?
	We're ready to listen to the radical left.
	And we did for half a century.
	And we've just slowly realized that what you just saw is what you get when you let the lunatics run the asylum.
	A guy who thinks he's a fucking lesbian because he eats pussy.
	We're all lesbians now.
	So we're done listening to you.
	It's the great national or cultural divorce.
	It's not just America that's having a divorce.
	The entire Western world is divorcing itself from these fucking bampots, as we say in Scotland.
	And it's very cathartic.
	Like that, my old buddy Alex there, who says that she can't do this anymore.
	Bye-bye.
	Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
	We're done with you too, bitch.
	Fuck you.
	Fuck you, lefties.
	I'd rather listen to sane people.
	As my dad said, I've never had a coherent argument with someone who hates Trump.
	They never mentioned policy.
	It's always the pussy grabbing, etc.
	Never one morsel of truth.
	I bet if you spoke to the king of England, Prince Philip, before he died, he wouldn't have any coherent truth.
	In the interim, folks, before Monday, I hope you learn to get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.

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