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March 18, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

02:16:14

GOML LIVE #90 - ST PATRICK'S DAY 2021

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Time	Text
	That was Sally McLanan by the Pogues.
	Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
	We have the live show here.
	Unfortunately, I've been drinking all day and I'm fucking shithammered.
	So we're going to pretend that I'm sober and I guess take calls all day.
	Sure.
	I think people would be upset if you weren't a little smashed up.
	Yeah, I was considering pulling my chain out, but I realized that's Italian.
	Yeah, I had that problem too.
	It's Italian in black.
	So Irish wear cardigans, green shirts, and funny hats.
	I should also announce that I am gay.
	Milo Yianapoulos didn't just give up his homosexuality.
	He gave it to me.
	And my wife has conceded that she's relieved that I won't constantly be trying to eat her out.
	So I'm a fag.
	And he's straight.
	He's a fag.
	He's a fig.
	He's a straight.
	What the fuck?
	A very difficult situation.
	That was pretty good because he had like a little gristle at the end.
	Like just some fat Italian.
	I'm so sorry for his fucking son.
	Yeah.
	Hey, hey, Joey Soprano, your dad was considered the greatest.
	Let me take a step back.
	Here in America, mafia movies are all we care about.
	And I noticed this when I moved from Canada to America, they talk about the godfather every day.
	My father-in-law is a normal dude, nerdy dude, biochemist.
	He's not a murderer.
	But when you talk to him about the godfather, he's like, oh my God, yeah, yeah.
	Fro did this and fucking, yeah, they're obsessed with it.
	All of them.
	And they watch it every Thanksgiving, which I don't get.
	Here's the thing I never got about Americans when I moved here.
	They'll watch the same movie 19 times.
	Oh, yeah.
	I don't get that.
	I'm British and Canadian.
	When we see a movie, we're good.
	But they'll watch it again and again and again.
	That's the one thing I can't seem to reconcile about being an American is watching the same fucking movie.
	Over and over and over and over and over and over.
	Like a motherfucking movie.
	Over and over and over and over and over.
	And over and over and over and over and over again.
	Run through a motherfucking movie.
	I don't get it.
	I really don't get it.
	Doesn't look like he's trying to follow too closely in his father's footsteps, though.
	I forgot what I was talking about.
	So let's show how unprepared we are.
	And even though we have plenty of notes, and just make this show a bunch of phone calls.
	I'm not going to draw, dude.
	I'm too drunk.
	I've been drinking all day.
	All right, connecting.
	Do you like my hat?
	Yeah, that's pretty legit.
	I can tell it's like a good.
	Did I tell you when I bought this hat, a fucking homeless black man spat on me?
	What?
	Do you remember that?
	Wait, wait, wait.
	Can you tell this story?
	I vaguely remember that.
	Right, so it was the guys at my gym, champs, we said, let's have a like, what's the show?
	With the EastEnders, the fucking.
	Oh, the bar crawl, not penny dread, fucking peaky blinders.
	Peaky blinders, pub crawl.
	Yes.
	So I have, obviously, I have three-piece tweed suits.
	I actually have a fucking stopwatch, whatever it is.
	Pocket watch.
	Pocket watch of my grandfather's that still works.
	And my grandfather was wealthy.
	It's my grandfather that blew the savings and made my mom poor.
	You know how it goes?
	Like, poor men make weak times, weak men make good times, blah, blah, blah.
	So my mom grew up poor, but her father was wealthy.
	My grandfather was very wealthy.
	Both my grandfathers were wealthy, and both my parents grew up poor.
	Anyway.
	Congratulations.
	So I have a super fancy pocket watch that's like probably 200 bucks today.
	And that was my mom's dad's.
	Dad.
	My mother's grandfather.
	My great-grandfather.
	So I have all that shit, but I didn't have the hat.
	And so I went, I was walking around downtown, and I was looking at wherever you buy these from.
	What is this?
	There's a particular place that has all the hats.
	This is a Stefano or whatever.
	And I'm in the new New York, which is called a shithole.
	And there's these two giant black dudes accosting a random East Indian gentleman.
	And they're about 6'4.
	And they're like, what are you fucking going to do?
	There's no method to their madness.
	They're just like shoving him.
	And he's not really in danger because they're just like, what are you going to do?
	What are you going to do?
	And they're Shoving him and he's going calm down.
	And so I pull up my phone.
	I start recording.
	And they go, Oh, you're recording now.
	So their attention diverts to me.
	And then they go, Oh, they spit.
	One of them spits spit all over me.
	And I'm fucking covered.
	I'm absolutely covered.
	I felt ugly.
	I felt gay.
	This is, I think, pre-COVID.
	So I can't blame the pandemic.
	I'm covered in spit from top to bottom.
	And it's like this.
	It's like a fucking pepper spray.
	So I'm going like this.
	And then he said something else.
	I'm forgetting the story now.
	But I was so disoriented by getting the spit off my face that I couldn't hear what it was after that.
	And I went into the hat store.
	And I was still.
	I was like, do you have a bathroom or something?
	I had spit all over me.
	So I washed up in the bathroom and then I got this hat.
	And this hat was ridiculously expensive.
	It was like 80 bucks.
	Anyway.
	You turn around and walk away after getting spat on.
	That's where we are.
	We got a call.
	Let's do it.
	We got Stephanie.
	Wait a minute.
	I have something to say.
	Did you know?
	Hey, you're not fair.
	I saw that too.
	That when you hear the pogues, you're hearing an Englishman, a guy with an English accent, doing an affected Irish accent.
	Shane McGowan is as Irish as I am English.
	He moved to England when he was six.
	I moved to Canada when I was five.
	So I don't talk about being English because I'm not.
	Billy?
	I don't affect an English accent.
	Shane McGowan should not affect an Irish accent.
	He's English.
	How is it with you?
	Fine.
	Fine.
	You're drinking water right now?
	Nice.
	Look how aggressively he's holding that cup.
	He's squeezing it to that.
	Have right to me.
	God, stop eating so many broken Cheerios.
	Just eating hard tech with his fruit teeth.
	Just eating rejected chiclets from the chiclets factory.
	What are you eating?
	Other teeth?
	Yeah.
	Stop eating people's teeth.
	Grow your own teeth.
	Someone told him that you could get better teeth if you ate other people's teeth.
	Anyway, what was I talking about?
	Oh, you're listening to a guy with an affected accent.
	Yeah, Shane McGowan is faking an Irish accent, and Phil Lynette of the epic, totally rocking Irishman Thin Lizzy is faking an American accent.
	Tonight is going to be a jailbreak.
	That's an Irishman.
	He sounds like the most American singer I've ever heard.
	I know he's brown, but he's Irish.
	Born and raised Irishman.
	Mom's some black chick who fucked an Irish dude.
	Listen to this.
	Tap at a marnon to you.
	Looks like Ali Loki Sharma.
	Looks like Ali Alex Hendricks.
	Well, your mom, too, will be talking to her in a moment.
	What's this about gone to live in Hove?
	Come on.
	Right, well, the left is the problem with them is that the Democrats never own up to what they're going to do, so we have to get strong action on them.
	And that's why we hold them accountable.
	It's actually not a bad Ali.
	It ruins the image, you know, Phil.
	Ruins the image.
	Well, I was looking for a place to live in Ireland.
	Because, you know, when I moved away, I thought, well, I must come home, you know, because I really suffer from homesickness.
	I really suffer from homesickness.
	Not so much Ireland.
	So when you hear...
	I hate to ruin St. Patty's Day, but when you hear Thin Lizzie, you're hearing an Irishman do an American accent.
	And when you hear the Poke, you're hearing an Englishman do an Irish accent.
	Damn!
	See the boys and me mean business.
	The boys better let them fight around.
	You know what killed this fucker?
	Is heroin.
	Another one?
	Solo and Soho.
	Look up that album.
	He got into Smack and then he had a fun song about punks.
	He's like, Generation X when next.
	The sex pisses were an old-time crash.
	Is that it?
	What's it called?
	Yeah, this is the whole album.
	But there's Dear Miss Lonely Hearts, King's Call, Tattoo, Solo and Soho, Girls.
	Solo and Soho.
	Look up Solo and Soho.
	It's all about punk.
	And it's just him fucked out of his mind on fucking heroin, the poor...
	Should I say poor bastard?
	It's like a...
	This is like a clashist, like a clash-like evolution.
	Oh, really?
	The clash were headed on an all-time crash.
	Is this the only song that sounds like this?
	Great.
	The sex pistols were swindled.
	Garbage.
	Yeah, they got experimental.
	Garbage, you junky asshole.
	This is their Secret 77.
	No, now we have to hear the Phil Lined song from that album about the sex pistols.
	What are our options?
	All right, so we got Girls, Yellow Pearl, Ode to a Black Man, Jamaican Rum.
	That's it?
	And then there's Tattoo, King's Call, Dear Miss Lonely Hearts.
	I could look it up.
	None of those are a thing.
	He has like Sham69, we're in shambles.
	Like it's all a puns.
	Talkin' 79?
	Yeah, that's it.
	Talk in 79.
	Talk in 79.
	Let's hear that.
	The clash, we're headed for an old-time crash.
	Meanwhile, he's doing a fake fucking shit.
	Now he's doing a fake English accent.
	Is this like a diss track?
	Sort of.
	The clash were headed for a head-on collision.
	It is pretty cool.
	You can't deny the champ.
	People didn't know.
	I think yellow magic arms from this bum.
	Eagle road flow.
	Heavily written.
	This is interesting.
	Why aren't there any like rock diss tracks?
	There should be rock diss tracks.
	Yeah, let's do rock diss tracks.
	We fucking dope.
	ACDZ suck.
	Fuck you, Led Zapplin.
	You're fucking gay.
	We got Stefani or Stephanie?
	Before we get started, by the way, let's recognize that we got caught.
	Oh, we have reads, too.
	I always said that no one would notice that Ryan was QAnon.
	Right.
	I said we're going to do that.
	I'm going to release all my top information through him.
	He's our useless Puerto Rican nip.
	Correct.
	That's what it seems, at least.
	But it's not that.
	He's actually a very astute world governor.
	Trust my plan.
	And Ryan Katsu Rivera is QAnon.
	So I guess we should confess that now, right?
	I'd like to keep people in the dark a little longer.
	No, why bother?
	All right, fine.
	Folks at home, you've been looking for QAnon.
	He has been identified as Ryan Katsu Rivera.
	You're welcome.
	And by the way, when you see a retard like Ryan running something as big as QAdon, you know it's me.
	I'm QAnon.
	I'm the fall guy.
	And Generation X was next.
	Wait, where the hell?
	Where's my picture?
	Of me as QAnon.
	Shouldn't you be bringing this up?
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	But really, you couldn't hide anything in there.
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	Thanks, Tactical Walls.
	We like you more than a friend.
	And again, Tactical Walls did this.
	They did this beautiful statue where I am a war vet.
	You see this?
	The ball right out.
	You're ready for all of your home defense needs.
	You can close it back up when you're done.
	It's got like a hydraulic sort of thing so it doesn't drop off.
	That's the whole thing.
	Things are always in magnets.
	Put them back where they belong.
	You're good to go.
	So just under there again, that's just this little magnet can be utilized with any type of knickknack that you choose.
	If you guys have any questions at all, feel free to contact us.
	Have a fake.
	Some secrets right in the bed, by the way.
	Well, I don't know who that is according to the company.
	That could be relative.
	Mike's wife.
	Yeah, so that's...
	And we're not disparaging her.
	No, no.
	Right?
	You're just calling him a lucky man.
	A lucky man.
	He's a lucky man.
	We've had this caller on for a while, and we psyched her out twice.
	Okay.
	I think it's time for Stephanie to speak her peace and say her truth.
	Stephanie, let's talk to you.
	Hot damn, finally.
	Oh, the echo is there.
	I love it.
	Sorry, sorry.
	Let's get rid of that.
	Echo departing in three, two.
	Okay, Gavin.
	How about now?
	Still same echo?
	Wait, I'm sorry.
	You're in the same boat as me.
	You're trying to figure out where to move to?
	Hello?
	Are you there?
	Can you hear me?
	Hello.
	I both live in California, but we both kind of have to move on.
	Oh my god.
	Okay.
	Hello?
	Yes.
	Sorry, you muted me for like a minute.
	So her echo appears to be about a minute long.
	No.
	No, now she's back in action.
	Okay.
	Hey, what's the caller's name?
	Wait, you got to listen to us now, not the stream.
	Yes.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	It's Stephanie, and my husband and I are trying to find out where to live.
	We're in the same boat as Gavin.
	Okay, so you, I just, please repeat after me.
	One.
	One.
	Two.
	Two.
	Three.
	Three.
	Okay, so there's a bit of a delay, but it's not bad.
	And where are you guys right now?
	We're in California.
	All right.
	So here's my solution to your problem.
	Ready?
	Yes.
	The area is eastern Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina.
	That sounds like a crazy, huge expanse of American land.
	It's actually as big as Westchester, which is where I live now.
	It's just, it's like two hours apart.
	So we're going to go there together, you and I, and we're going to rent an apartment, rent a really nice apartment for a year anywhere near Asheville, North Carolina.
	And we're going to look at Knoxville.
	We're going to look at everywhere in that area.
	And we're going to look at homes to buy.
	And then we'll buy a home in an area that is mega and safe and has expats.
	And we're not going to be ostracized.
	Okay, that sounds good.
	I mean, anything is better than California at this point.
	California's got to go.
	How old are you?
	We were looking at Texas, but now I'm worried about the border crisis that nobody reports about.
	Yeah, Texas is a problem.
	It's also so fucking hot.
	Like the beauty of eastern Tennessee and North Carolina is you don't burn alive.
	But I think there's tornadoes right there right now.
	I saw someone talking about tornado warning in Tennessee.
	I can take a tornado.
	How old are you?
	Gavin, you're the only 10 I see.
	Oh, appreciate it.
	How old is your wife?
	What?
	How old are you?
	We're like 35.
	Can you tell us all about your first period?
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, my God.
	What was that like?
	What?
	What was it like?
	Was it damning?
	Did you have like tennis shorts on?
	What was the deal there?
	That is an interesting question.
	You know, I thought that was just some shocking.
	I want to make it a theme.
	Tonight's call-ins are mostly about your first period.
	We're going to turn now to that outbreak of Girl Scout camp, actually.
	You what?
	I was at Girl Scout camp when I got my first period, but my mom was there, so that was nice.
	And what were the symptoms?
	I don't know.
	Look it up on Wikipedia.
	So you had, did you ruin like your pants?
	No.
	So you pre-pawned.
	Okay, so what happened?
	Every woman tonight, we're going to ask her about her first period.
	I'm sure you'll get more women wanting to call in then.
	So what happened with you?
	Like you had some sprinklings?
	What was the deal?
	Yeah, I think so.
	I don't even remember.
	That was like 20-something years ago.
	All right.
	Well, thanks for calling.
	You're cut off.
	Not enough details.
	That's the punishment you get when you don't have.
	How can you not remember that?
	It's like a first kiss.
	Yeah.
	Do you remember the first time you came?
	Yeah, I remember the first time stuff came out.
	Really?
	I don't.
	I remember I was in the bathroom and some...
	It was like stringy.
	And I was like, this is what I've been hearing about.
	That's it.
	I remember beating off until my dick would go bright red and then nothing would happen.
	Yeah, it just gets angry.
	So I was like, 12.
	Just gets sore.
	And then I said to Dale Aiken, I go, I've been trying to masturbate.
	And he goes, what?
	That's fucking gross.
	Are you serious?
	And I went, no, I'm kidding.
	That's...
	Can you imagine someone actually, you know, what?
	Like, what?
	Oh, my God.
	No, no, I don't do that.
	Then you hit a phase where you think it's cool.
	We're like, yeah, jerking off.
	Am I right, folks?
	Born a jerk.
	By the way, folks, this green t-shirt, I went over to the fag zone today, this morning at about 10 a.m.
	And I said, hey, Ryan, do you have my Champ shirt?
	And he goes, yeah, yeah, I have that.
	And I go, where the fuck is it?
	And he goes, oh, it's in my dirty laundry.
	I go, okay, well, how long has it been in there?
	Why is it in there?
	And he goes, oh, you made me wear this shirt.
	And I'm going, I think I made you wear this shirt at St. Patrick's Day because it's an Irish shirt.
	And he goes, yeah, you did.
	I go, that's literally one year ago today.
	He has dirty laundry that's one year old.
	Correct?
	Isn't that fucked up?
	And I go, okay, here's what we should do.
	I'm in the fag zone.
	I have a contractor bag.
	I go, let's Take this contractor bag and put everything bad in the contractor bag.
	And he goes, Well, I already started that.
	I have a contractor bag in his hoards, like he's a hoarder.
	In his hoards of hoard, he has like a pile of shit with a contractor bag that has like two shirts in it, right?
	Everybody?
	Yes.
	Yes.
	So he has a contractor bag with two shirts in it in his hoarding.
	And he goes, I just, I thought the other shirts are like, I don't wear them, but I should donate them.
	I'm like, don't donate them.
	There's nothing to donate to.
	There's no donating.
	I hate this fucking shit.
	There's no poor black American children going, I wish someone would send me a shirt so I could just go outside and have a fucking shirt on.
	Stop.
	And this goes for all of you out there.
	Fucking put it in a contractor bag.
	I'm married to a hoarder.
	I wish I was married to a whore.
	I'm not.
	And I have rented a fucking container three times.
	Three times since we've been married.
	And I've filled it thrice.
	Thrice.
	One time it was almost always shoes.
	Come on, man, Mikey!
	All right, let's take another call.
	We've got Sean.
	Sean, you're on the line.
	Hello.
	Yellow.
	Hello?
	Yo.
	Fellas, how you doing?
	Great, great, great.
	Quick question for you, Gav.
	Yep.
	I was wondering if you can speak a little bit about East Village Radio and those times in New York in the early aughts.
	Okay, coming up.
	You ready?
	And thank you for calling.
	East Village Radio was run by a pizza place, Frankie's Pizza.
	And they did a great job.
	It had a very little span.
	One of the weirdest things about it was there was a woman.
	I remember I would appear on this show a lot with the dude from the thing and the other guy from the stuff.
	I forget their names.
	I probably shouldn't name their names or it'll ruin their careers.
	But before us was this reggae hour.
	And the woman who did it had huge fucking dreads and shit.
	And she was German.
	So she'd go, hello, what are you doing?
	Don't fuck around.
	Okay.
	So I'm going to be going up after you guys.
	Okay, so let's do it, man.
	And then we would be done our set.
	And then she'd go, waguan, welcome back.
	And she did a whole, she became a Jamaican person for her set.
	Isn't that weird?
	Anyway, the guys I did that show with are super cool dudes who I love that will probably never speak to me again.
	There it is.
	What's their names?
	Jay?
	No, not those guys.
	Jay something?
	Anyway, those two dudes who I would still get along with like great if we were, if it wasn't this world we're in today.
	But if I walked, like if I ding-dong their doorbell, if I ding-dong their doorbell in 2014, they go, hey man, what's up?
	If I ding-dong their doorbell today, they would shit their fucking pants.
	I think it's Jay and Jason.
	Anyway, I still remember everything about those dudes.
	I could talk shit about them.
	I could say they're rapists.
	I could say they fuck girls when girls were passed out.
	That's not the case.
	Super awesome dudes.
	Great guys.
	Sort of like David Cross.
	David Cross was my best pal.
	We peaced out during the divorce.
	And my revenge is to say, great guy.
	And also, the thing about David is everyone wanted to fuck him, which I did not understand.
	He was bald and ugly, but he never considered cheating on any girlfriend he ever had.
	I'm happy to shit on people who dump me that are assholes.
	I couldn't wait.
	Couldn't wait to do it.
	Oh, the guy was in Japanther.
	No, what was he in?
	Let's see.
	Did I find those guys?
	In that article, it just said a bunch of Frankies.
	Japanther.
	With Matt Riley and Ian Venick.
	Who's the singer of Japan?
	No, that's a different band.
	Sorry.
	Maybe I'm thinking of the other Japanther band.
	What were they called?
	Anyway, next call.
	Let's see what we got.
	Dominic.
	Why don't you take this while I go piss?
	Alright.
	Yo, Dominic, you want to line me up?
	What's up, guys?
	Hey, man.
	Hey, what's up, guys?
	Can you hear me?
	Yes.
	Can you hear me?
	Yes.
	Hey, what's up, Sparkly Eyes and Warden of the Fag Zone?
	What's that?
	So what's up, old Sparkly Eyes and Warden of the Fag Zone?
	I'm both of those.
	Yeah, yeah, I know.
	So, Gavin, listen, I'm a regular listener to the show.
	I think you're awesome.
	And I just wanted to call him.
	Oh, so Gavin's not there.
	Gavin's not there.
	Yeah, dude, I'm here.
	Just do the fucking problem.
	Oh, Jesus.
	Sorry.
	So, you know, your musical acumen is very impressive, right?
	I haven't stopped listening to that ToonYard album.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, that's weird.
	I haven't stopped listening to The Care Yard.
	What's that?
	Oh, that's weird.
	I haven't stopped listening to The Care Yard.
	I get it.
	That's, wah, wah, wah, wah.
	Jeez.
	I'm fucking bombing right now.
	No, you're not.
	This is Ryan.
	I'm trying to be a dick, but I'm not sure if I can do it.
	Anyway, yeah, so over the weekend, I went to a poker game with some buddies Of mine.
	So again, Gavin, your musical taste is really, really impressive.
	I'd love to have a conversation with you one day, but I'm a piece of garbage and you would never give me that time.
	But I decided at this poker game to throw on Ryan's up and down song again.
	And it turned into a Westboro Baptist Church fucking chorus of that.
	That's fantastic, sir.
	How did you find the song?
	Where did you get the song from?
	Hello, sir?
	He dropped it.
	I did not drop him.
	We can get him back.
	Yeah, I swear to God.
	I want to hear where he goes.
	Let's dig up your song.
	See, well, I took it off the internet and they can't be found.
	I looked and somebody said it was bullshit.
	It's the up and the down.
	It's the up the down.
	You got to go up.
	You got to go down.
	You can see it from the show.
	That's it.
	You got to go up.
	You got to go down.
	No, it doesn't exist.
	All right, let's get him back on the line.
	Dominic, call back and then say you're Dominic.
	Oh, here he is.
	Call back.
	See, I can call him back.
	I can do that sort of thing.
	Jan?
	Dominic?
	Hello?
	Yeah, so where did you hear the song from?
	Kevin wants to know.
	Actually, I recorded it a few weeks back when you played it on one of the episodes.
	Fantastic.
	Oh, cool.
	Ryan scrubbed it from the internet.
	Oh, no, no.
	It's become my favorite song.
	I listen to my wife daily.
	How does it go?
	You want to go up?
	You should have gone down.
	How does it go?
	I'm not going to stoop to your gay levels and sing that fucking song.
	What?
	So another funny thing, my wife is a Puerto Rican woman, Latino woman.
	And when I first started really, really getting into your show, she associated you with the Proud Boys and just assumed because of all the fucking fake bullshit media that you guys were Nazis and racists.
	In a sense, I'm not singing on a daily basis, but I've caught her singing the Gavin mailbag song in the shower, which is pretty awesome.
	Okay, cool.
	Thanks for your call.
	Ups and downs and lefts and rights and fucking left and right.
	I like that.
	Pretty cool.
	He thought I was you.
	He bought it.
	Mark is online.
	Or Peter, rather.
	Sorry.
	Peter?
	Alright, hey, Peter.
	Yo.
	Hello?
	Johnny Apple CBD.
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	cool app where you put your phone on an elevated glass and then you trace the picture you know what i mean so it makes sense too because the the phone can obviously see your pen and then there's a picture there above it so you're just following the tracing of the pen it's a cool way to trace and i go i'm gonna buy you this i don't even know if it's it costs money.
	And she goes, Oh, that's great.
	And I went, Wait a minute.
	Why'd you just respond?
	Oh, that's great.
	You should be responding tomorrow.
	So I sprinted to her room and I went, What the fuck?
	And she went, I was just doing my homework on my screen.
	I do my homework on my screen.
	I'm trying to find it.
	Sounds like a cool thing.
	Cool app.
	Let me just text my daughter.
	Want to take a call while we do it?
	Sad to say I must be on my way.
	Surprimey beer and whiskey.
	So you're going far away.
	It's called Davin C-I-E-Y-E.
	Oh, Da Vinci Eye.
	Da Vinci Eye.
	Before I did you know there's a weird thing with that whole time in art history where they go, it's kind of unusual that you became perfect in one afternoon.
	Like you were pretty good at drawing faces, pretty good drawing faces, and then one day you became perfect and you did the Bona Lisa.
	And most people believe that they had been doing this weird bulb where the light would shine it and it would flex someone upside down on a canvas.
	60 Minutes had a whole thing about this.
	And then you just trace them upside down.
	You ever see Alan's Vermeer?
	No, what's that?
	Penn Gillette has a friend that does a whole bunch of weird stuff.
	Never painted ever.
	He was a collector, an engineer, all sorts of things, but never a painter.
	And he learned how to paint Vormeers, which is this Renaissance painter or something like that.
	Alan's Vormier.
	Painting.
	But he did it just like that.
	Yeah.
	Document.
	Well, let's take the next call.
	Okay, we've got Peter.
	Hey, Peter.
	Hello.
	Hey.
	I need some advice.
	I got a new job, and in the salary negotiation, I overpriced myself.
	He said no.
	And now my skills are not matching the job.
	And I'm underqualified.
	So I need your advice.
	What was your skills?
	What's your salary?
	I asked for 45 and I got 35.
	Oh, that's fine.
	Dude, the national average salary is 50.
	So you're good.
	Just bust your ass.
	Here's my advice.
	Say yes to everything.
	Hey, we need you to stay and do inventory on Friday night.
	Yes.
	Just keep saying yes, yes, yes.
	You know, my dad had a great thing.
	He would under-negotiate, and he'd get a salary that sucked for himself.
	And then other people would bid on him because they wanted to scoop him from his company.
	And the free market tended to handle my dad pretty well.
	So I would say if you over-negotiate yourself, which I don't think you did at 35K, just say yes to every fucking thing they offer.
	Everything.
	I do.
	I do.
	And that's like my mindset.
	You know, we're like, that's kind of like probably a lot of people on the show who watch the show.
	That's their mindset.
	But, you know, it just, like, it's all virtual.
	So it sucks in that sense.
	So.
	You got to be proud of you, boys.
	Bye.
	Thanks for calling.
	I love that fade.
	That's weird that he pointed that out.
	He's like, yeah, I think everybody that listens to you do.
	I did a blackballed podcast, and he's like a mini version of you.
	You know, he's always saying he's Gavin's son, long-lost son.
	I got another friend.
	Josh says that.
	He's like, yeah, I'm Gavin's son.
	And it's like hanging out with the gremlins when they get wet.
	It's like there's like a spider gremlin and like a, there's a nice Gavin gremlin.
	There's like a nerdy Gavin gremlin.
	Is there a faggot loser gremlin who wears a knitted hat and has his bangs curling over the cusp of the hat?
	I don't.
	I don't think so.
	What are you doing, dude?
	What the fuck is with your hair?
	It's green.
	The hat's green.
	There we go.
	I'm going to shave your head.
	I hope not.
	Because I'm waiting for the ponytail.
	It's a rite of Japanese face passage.
	We got Alex.
	Top of the morning, Payboy.
	Top of the morning.
	Happy motherfucking Sam Patty's Day.
	Happy fucking, you got your baby.
	Thank you for all of it.
	You do.
	I want to talk briefly about my friends.
	So, like, I'm 30.
	Pretty much all of them are married.
	Like, 10 of them are married.
	They're late 20s, early 30s.
	They live in like tiny apartments in like San Francisco or New York or Boston.
	They make a ton of money.
	They make like six figures each.
	And the kids are just not on the fucking radar at all.
	And the weird part is that if I bring it up, it's like a taboo thing.
	It's like, oh, we still got all the time in the world.
	And I'm just like, it's a weird situation because I want to see them, you know, be moms and dads.
	And it's just, it's almost like.
	But wait, when you say the kids aren't on the radar at all, the kids exist.
	No, the kids aren't even, they're not in the game plan.
	Like, they don't want to have kids.
	They're not even thinking about it.
	So what do you mean when you say the kids on the radar?
	The kids are gone.
	They've never been born.
	They've never been born.
	So it's not.
	They don't even want to have them.
	Oh, fuck.
	Yeah, they're fucking losers.
	So how do you know that?
	How do you separate yourself from these people?
	No, I mean, they're not bad guys.
	Yeah, they are.
	I think that they just take the media super seriously.
	And for them to have kids, it would mean sacrificing maybe some of their careers, which are super important.
	But I think that that's so much of the culture now is just making money and rising to the top of the career.
	And then by the time they're like mid-thirties, maybe they'll have one kid, you know?
	Does they have dogs?
	Yeah, dump them.
	Kill their dogs.
	I mean...
	They definitely have dogs.
	Yeah, kill their dogs so that way they're...
	People are making horrible mistakes.
	Anyway, thanks for calling.
	Let's call Alan Froyer.
	Ooh.
	I get excited every time I think he's going to pick up.
	Here we go.
	Is this the British aristocrat?
	The Austrian aristocrat?
	No.
	Oh, New York Times reporter.
	Not the one who died and isn't.
	What the f?
	So close, but so far.
	So far away.
	So far away.
	So for you're away.
	Hit me with your best shot.
	Four you're away.
	That's not him.
	Hey.
	Hey, man.
	How are you?
	Good.
	How are you?
	I'm doing okay.
	I'm doing okay.
	Sorry we missed each other.
	Yeah, we're playing phone tag.
	Well, that's how that's what happens.
	So yeah, I mean, you know, what can I say?
	I mean, you know, I'm curious what your thoughts on this whole situation are.
	You know, it seems from what you were saying that, like, you buy the notion that there's some sort of favoritism amongst the police towards the group,
	but that maybe it's merited.
	And, you know, like, I hear what you're saying.
	I get that.
	You know, like, you know, when you have a group of people who are avowedly anti-police and they don't make any secret about it, you know, I guess there's a certain logic to that.
	So, anyhow.
	I just thought it was weird.
	In the article, you said that I called for violence.
	Like I said, can I condone massive violence?
	I am.
	Where'd you get that from?
	The videos.
	I'll send you the videos.
	It's straight from the video.
	It's straight from the...
	I think the iteration of it was the Gavin McGinnis show.
	Right, but I think it's Vic Berger's clips.
	Okay, well, what does that mean?
	Vic Berger takes samples from shows and makes his own narrative.
	All right.
	Are they deep fakes?
	No, but the actual example I was talking about was a bunch of Bernie supporters horking in the faces of Trump supporters.
	And then the Bernie supporters would say, hey, I identify as a female.
	You can't hit me.
	You can't hit me.
	So I was saying, no, fucking attack them.
	Choke them.
	Fuck them.
	You know, just because you identify as a woman doesn't mean you're impervious to fucking choking.
	But you got your information from Vic Berger.
	Well, no, no, I think you and I, if you recall, you know, we've had an ongoing conversation about this kind of stuff.
	I think one time I had suggested to you that, you know, there was a way to deal with, you know, leftist activists that your guys have been in sort of what is now,
	you know, four years of conflict with.
	And there was one approach where you could kind of do the Gandhian nonviolent situation.
	And if, you know, your guys are the.
	So maybe have a meeting with Antifa in a big sort of open dome.
	No, no, no.
	My point was let yourselves get your asses kicked on television.
	Oh, I remember that.
	Yeah.
	And you said, no, we like to fight.
	And I actually think that that's true.
	Like, I take you at your word, you know?
	Anyway.
	So it's considered egregious and aggressive to not just lie there and get beaten by your paramilitary force as a member of the DNC.
	To not just sit there and get beaten by Antifa.
	That's considered adventurous.
	No, no, listen, I was just throwing that out there as a suggestion.
	And, you know, I just.
	Would you do that?
	Would you do that?
	Let myself get my ass kicked?
	Listen, man, I'm, you know, I'm not an activist, but sure, if I was trying to like make a...
	No, you're a nothingness, Alan.
	You would never do that.
	You would never do anything even close to that.
	You wouldn't withdraw brunch.
	You would not deny yourself eggs and ham at noon.
	That's funny, but I mean, I only find it funny because I'm actually, if you knew me, like, I'm a, like, you know, I'm an active brunch despite it.
	I don't really care, but, you know.
	No, I just say that because you were asking me, you know, kind of where I get the idea that you, I mean, yes, you personally.
	You know, you don't mind a fight.
	You don't mind a fight.
	I mean, I'm not pulling that out of my asshole.
	No, of course not.
	That's the problem with the Proud Boys is they're the only ones willing to fight.
	I don't think you've ever fought for anything in your life.
	Maybe I don't even think kindergarten.
	Again, you don't really know me, but that's fine.
	That's fair.
	I do.
	I've seen you talk about the other Alan Foyer, who was a Baron who enjoyed balls.
	I think I know who you are.
	I've seen you watch your marriage deteriorate into feminism where you went and fucked some 20-year-old.
	What I think is more important here, though, is that we understand who is this David guy you write your articles with?
	Are you guys like the Prowboys team?
	So David, if you want to know, you know, he spent a lot of years in the Middle East.
	He came back.
	He's in this country now.
	He works on the investigations team, I think, whatever the fuck they call it.
	You know, I have more experience.
	Is he the guy that came with that line?
	The first rule of fight club is you have to be white?
	No, that was a totally different guy.
	Totally different guy.
	Anyhow, I'm super curious.
	I thought you were done with this.
	I am, but I don't like my club that I founded being disparaged by these amateur fucking, I don't know what to call you, meandering aristocrats.
	You are the other Alan Foyer.
	Wow.
	Okay, sure.
	That's funny.
	Meandering.
	Where does the meandering come from?
	Well, you're so devoted to the New York Times that you don't care about truth.
	You just care about your brand.
	And you've pursued this group relentlessly throughout everything.
	You've ignored the Aryan nations, even ignored Antifa.
	You've ignored the black Hebrew Israelites.
	You focus totally on this one group because you're dying for them to sin.
	And I have no idea why.
	Maybe you're Jewish and you think that you're not white and you want to find some sort of like evil white group.
	That doesn't make sense to me either, but you're just consumed with the proud boys.
	No, that's actually not true.
	I mean, I've written a lot about the group, but to say I'm consumed with it would be...
	Okay, what have you written about Antifa?
	Well, you ended your article with Flashbang Grenades on Ethan Nordine.
	Where is your research on Antifa's flashbang grenades?
	Well, tell me what you think the flashbang grenades were referring to.
	In your article or with Antifa?
	In my article.
	In my article.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	It was thrown out at the very end of the article.
	No context.
	We don't know what it means.
	But every single Antifa event has been drenched in flashbang grenades to no mention from Alan and fucking David.
	All right.
	Well, the flashbangs in the story that we wrote were actually thrown by the FBI.
	Okay, that sounds like a big fucking Pandora's box to end your article on.
	Well, I think it was, you know, taken straight from Ethan's lawyer's court papers because the FBI came screaming into his house with fucking assault rifles pointed at his wife throwing the flashbangs.
	So wait, who had the flashbangs?
	No, it was the FBI?
	Correct.
	Okay, the way your article ends is implies that Ethan was caught with a pile of flashbang grenades.
	No, I know you're smarter than that, Gabby.
	Okay, maybe I have to reread it.
	You might, but that's okay.
	It just sounds curious that people like you are so obsessed with white supremacy, yet you don't acknowledge, you know, the Aryan nations or other black Hebrew Israelites.
	I texted you this recently, but you didn't have a response.
	Well, no, because I was waiting for you.
	Because I know, like, when you're hot and bothered.
	You're so hot and bothered.
	I know, but actually, I get the same way.
	So, you know.
	But you have nothing at stake, Alan.
	You don't have a wife.
	You don't have kids.
	I have a wife and kids.
	So when I'm hot and bothered, I care about the future of this country.
	You're just fucking clinging to the top fold of the New York Times.
	That's all you have.
	If that's what you need to think, that's cool.
	Sure.
	That's why you do this fake journalism where you just find three patterns and then you make it a thing.
	Like when you said that I said that you should choke a tranny that I'm calling for violence.
	You don't know the context of that.
	The context of that you got from a Vic Berger video.
	The actual context of that was me noticing that Bernie supporters were spitting in the faces of Trump supporters and then saying, I identify as a woman.
	And I was saying, I don't care what you identify as, beat someone up if they spit in your face.
	But you were using your source as a fucking Vic Berger video.
	His entire raison debt is manipulating the fucking media.
	You know, it's...
	I'm super curious to understand what this group is like.
	They've unleashed the terrible powers of the federal government at this point.
	Do you think that your folks understand that?
	They must understand it at this point.
	Yes, thanks to people like you.
	Listen, man, I had nothing to do with that.
	Yeah, you did.
	Dude, you're above the fold.
	You're above the fold on the front page of the New York Times.
	If you think the FBI takes its orders from me, then there's not much I can do.
	They absolutely do, Alan.
	They absolutely do.
	That's a really interesting thing.
	I have two friends in prison for four years because of misnomers like someone uninterpreting the word nigger from my show.
	In fact, I just watched it where they did an appeal and they reinterpreted quotes from my show.
	So your half-assed journalism actually has men in prison, including men who have three black children.
	Well, first of all, I never actually wrote a thing about the trial or the trial.
	That doesn't matter.
	They're proud boys.
	You write about proud boys, my friend.
	Isn't it funny how you did a fair article about me like two years ago, and then you got pilloried for it?
	And you basically said, I'm never doing that again.
	And you started shitting on Proud Boys.
	I understand that there's like crazy people on the left who if you don't put Proud Boys equals Nazis, then you are a Nazi.
	I mean, people called me a Nazi.
	But you did that.
	Yeah, you did.
	Your cover story is propaganda.
	No, I...
	You said I called for violence.
	When did I say, am I calling for violence?
	Because I am.
	What was that from?
	It was from a fucking Vic Berger video, you amateur.
	It was from your Gavin McInnis show.
	Yes.
	What was the context, Alan?
	Well.
	When you say shit, right?
	So a bunch of Birdie supporters can quirk in the face of Trump supporters.
	When I say, you need, am I calling for violence?
	I am.
	You should fight back.
	You cut out the first part.
	You take it from Vic Berger.
	You work for the New York Times and you say, I've got your, that's an example of wanton violence.
	Pathetic.
	Pathetic.
	You are getting your information from this clown.
	Well, look, I, you know, hope that, you know, you guys, I don't even know what to say to that, to tell you the truth.
	Yeah.
	You stumped me, Gavin.
	I didn't stump you.
	I pointed out what an amateur you are.
	You're a fucking amateur.
	And here's what's deeper seated.
	You let your marriage fall apart.
	You don't have a wife.
	You don't have kids.
	And have you noticed that your enemies are family men?
	You know, I'm just...
	Joe Biggs has kids.
	Yeah, yeah.
	All right.
	All right, Kevin.
	We're about two seconds from cutting this one off.
	We did that last time.
	Last time I pointed out that the New York Times is slate, I said it greatly down.
	You were screaming that I was at the January 6th thing.
	You laughed and you hung up on me last time.
	That is true.
	So you tend to hang up on me when I've pointed out that you're a fucking clown.
	And then I did the right thing.
	Do you remember what I did?
	Yeah, you call back to apologize.
	You're damn right I did.
	You should just call me on a loop apologizing.
	Well, you know, when I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
	All right.
	How about that other Alan Foyer, though?
	That was kind of fun.
	Was he an aristocrat?
	What was his deal with his funny outfits?
	He was essentially a Gatsby.
	He made it all up.
	He was from fucking, like, he was from a working class family in Mount Vernon.
	And he bullshitted his way into that weird society.
	So.
	Perfect.
	Cool guy.
	Perfect.
	I can't believe you just started talking about the other Alan Foyer.
	Like, you really gave a fuck.
	That's who exactly you are.
	You fucking cunt Alan Foyer.
	You are a fucking fake aristocrat.
	I'd say you'll always be the other Alan Foyer to me.
	All right, let's take a call.
	Alright, we got Christian.
	Call it Christian.
	You're the only one.
	Alright, let's get motoring.
	Hello.
	Hello?
	This is awkward.
	This is embarrassing.
	It's not good TV.
	Hello.
	Hello?
	Next call.
	See what happens there?
	Gotta be on it, y'all.
	Mario.
	Your way.
	Your way.
	Come on, Mario.
	What's up, Mario?
	You out of line, bro.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	This is Mario.
	I don't care.
	Hello?
	Yeah, fuck you.
	Hey, yeah, I'm Colin because I live in North Carolina.
	I moved here from the Bay Area.
	I guess it's about close to five years ago.
	I used to live out here a long time ago, and I moved to the West Coast, and then decided to move back once I started a family.
	But just wanted to give you advice on moving to North Carolina or Tennessee or any red state if you're up for hearing it.
	Yep, yep, come all ears.
	Well, me and my woman definitely agree that if you're moving anywhere post-COVID, whether you're conservative or whatever, you're behind the curve a little bit.
	I came to North Carolina because I got so sick of the Bay and so sick of California and all that.
	And just wanted to be in a place where I feel like I could hold some ground, you know, in a red state.
	But all those states are, you know, they're starting to get swaths of blue.
	There's a woman that called you a couple weeks ago and she's like trying to encourage you to move to Asheville.
	Let me tell you something.
	Go move to Asheville.
	That is, it's like basically the San Francisco of North Carolina.
	It is as liberal as it gets.
	If you look on a voting map, you'll just see it's solid blue territory.
	But really, like everybody, at least in the area of North Carolina, Carolina I live in, I live in Coastal Carolina.
	There's so many carpetbaggers coming, all you Yankees coming from everywhere.
	And everybody's fleeing all these cities because of all the COVID lockdowns and because of Democrat policies.
	And the attitude, my attitude anyways, is kind of like, well, you know, like, that's great.
	You're moving here.
	If you want to keep it red, that's great.
	But mostly people are just coming, driving property values up.
	They're not assimilating to the culture around here as far as everyday going, driving.
	Yeah, I totally get that.
	I understand what you're saying.
	My son is a Mets fan.
	He'll be a Mets fan until he dies.
	He'll wear Mets shirts.
	But we will also have an American flag in our yard.
	And I have this crazy idea where I'm going to open a bar called the Big Apple that's going to be a New York-themed bar.
	But when I get interviewed by the local media about the bar, I'm going to explain clearly that I fucking hate New York City and everything it represents.
	It's a disgusting fucking shithole.
	And we're escaping from New York.
	Yeah, see, we already know all that shit.
	Like, you're not going to tell anybody anything fucking new down here, buddy.
	Like, here's the thing.
	You know that Carhartt jacket that you tied up behind your car and you drug for five miles to make it look...
	This is what you do with that Carhartt jacket when you move here, dude.
	You put it on and you go get a job, work in some blue-collar job for a little while, get to know the people.
	I know we love your show and we'd hate to see you go off the air, but if you want to really assimilate to the culture, keep your head down, work hard, put Ryan Katzu Rivera.
	He's kind of like your indentured servant.
	Send him out there.
	Put some calluses on those baby soft hands that he has.
	How dare you?
	And that's how you're going to get to know all the people around here.
	Salt, I agree with you.
	Put yourself to work.
	We're in the same page.
	Thank you, sir.
	Thanks for gone.
	Toodaloo.
	We agree with you.
	Yeah.
	It's true.
	He's true.
	It's true.
	He's right.
	He's screaming the justice.
	He's screaming the truth.
	I like this hat.
	We're going to give Christian another chance.
	Christian, you son of a bitch.
	You talk now.
	You talk good.
	All right.
	You're dead forever.
	I never want to hear your stupid name again.
	Bitch.
	I'm feeling a real sort of anger in my arms when I want to punch and hurt someone.
	Understood.
	You get that as a Puerto Rican nip?
	Not all.
	I've had a certain amount of whiskey.
	No, not when I drink, no.
	The booze starts going like that, and I start thinking about just hurting random people.
	Not like a woman walking her daughter home from school, but like someone who deserves it.
	I normally don't have hurting someone.
	I don't have impulses like that.
	I want to pound you right now.
	Yeah, see, I don't have...
	I want to punch my fist through your back.
	Maybe you belong in New York City.
	I want to break your arm right now.
	Yeah, maybe that's, you know, that's the black Irish talking.
	Okay.
	Jim.
	I'm still mad.
	I'm actually getting madder.
	I don't know why, but me talking about punching your back made me even more mad.
	I think more angry.
	I think it's because of four years.
	Now I want to fucking punch a hole through the desk.
	You shouldn't do that.
	I don't think I'm strong enough.
	It's a strong desk.
	We make fun of impulse control way too much for us to fall victim.
	I don't think I can do it.
	We got Jim talking about drunk broadcasting.
	Except Jim.
	Which I don't see how that's relevant.
	Bless me, Father.
	Great noodle from the fag zone today.
	That was an impressive Chaparican.
	Father, could you expand on whether being drunk as fuck while playing guitar makes you a better guitarist or does it ruin your performance like it destroys your Nazi boss's broadcast skills?
	Talk to you later with my new glasses on.
	Damn.
	Well, we've reduced Jim to just punching out quickly.
	Remember, he used to be very long-winded.
	Yeah.
	Hey, Jim, whatever happened to your dream girl that you're going to marry?
	Yeah, see, that's why he ducked out.
	Didn't want to hear that.
	Well, it goes to the next call.
	Nate.
	Yeah.
	Happy St. Patrick's Day from Calgary, Gavin.
	What's up, dude?
	From the fag zone.
	Hello.
	Calgary.
	Calgary.
	So, Calgary, do you guys have any oil?
	Is that shit happening or is it ruined by your fucking lefty faggot politicians?
	Not mine, Gavin.
	I'm an American.
	I'm actually moved here from New York.
	Oh, I thought you said you're from Calgary.
	No, I am from, I am, I'm calling from Calgary, but I moved to Calgary about eight years ago.
	Okay, so Calgary's ruined, right?
	Isn't Calgary ruined?
	Oh, Calgary is ruined, yeah.
	Like, we got out here, and we had to, we had parity almost on the dollar, sending money back to the States for, you know, paying absorbent student loans and whatnot.
	And within about five or six months, it just shit the bed.
	And now it's just like, like you say, it's kind of like Detroit a little bit, especially in the Northeast.
	It's pretty ragtag.
	Probably back for about another seven years.
	Ralph Klein turned that fucking province into Sweden.
	And then it just got ruined, the fucking overtaxing in the tar sands.
	And now, look at it.
	It looks like Detroit.
	What a crime.
	No, yeah, and I mean, but there's, I got to say, there's Canadians aren't exactly the type to rise up.
	I've talked to Canadians who don't know who their first prime minister is.
	I've talked to Canadians who think that they have a First Amendment, that the U.S. Constitution is the same as their Constitution.
	Who is the First Prime Minister?
	And what's that?
	Who is the First Prime Minister?
	John McDonald.
	I've been to his house in Kingston, Ontario.
	Nice.
	I fucked him at a party once.
	He had free Coke.
	Were your heels on, though?
	That's back when I was time traveling.
	Anyway, what can I do you for?
	Anyway, I just wanted, my wife and I are big fans.
	I've called in before at the Gavin McGinnis show.
	I think it was when Joy Villa was on.
	But no, we're.
	You do a great service, you and Ryan both.
	We just really appreciate the hard work.
	And I know the shit that you're going through with your family and whatnot.
	But yeah, I've been writing John and Max.
	And John writes back quite a lot.
	Nice.
	Oh, great.
	So, yeah, we've got a little bit of a pen pal there.
	So it's good.
	Yeah, thanks for calling.
	Yeah, guys, please call and represent.
	Please contact John and Max in prison.
	You're going to be in prison.
	I guarantee it.
	If you're remotely ambitious, you're going to be verbote and you're going to be in prison.
	But I thought this was funny.
	I sent Max my workout regimen, which is beyond faggot.
	It's like I did a bunch of triceps and biceps with 350 pounds at a time.
	Literally, I'm not exaggerating.
	He did.
	I'm going like this with 350 pounds, and I'm lifting on my biceps.
	I'm lifting a bar that has no weights on it.
	None.
	The bar is 35 pounds.
	35 pounds.
	So I'm already like, wow, a lunatic, a tough guy for lifting at that.
	But I thought it was cool that Max got back to me.
	And he said, I could barely...
	Wait, you got to handle this for a second.
	By the way, at the end of every episode, there's the way that you could write into John and Max.
	There's the address at the end of every episode, G-O-M-L, G-O-ML Live.
	It is all there.
	The information at the end of every episode.
	Rat Face calling about Sarah.
	Hey, Don.
	Hey, Bellas.
	Hey there.
	Thank you for your service, Gavin.
	He says thank you.
	All right, Bellas.
	Hey, it wasn't about Sarah.
	I guess I got cut off.
	I was calling about therapy that I've recently entered.
	Therapy.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah, yeah, so I'm in therapy.
	I'm also a fellow war movie veteran.
	And this weekend I re-enlisted, and I decided to watch Casualties of War.
	I don't know if you guys are familiar.
	I'll write it down.
	I don't think I've seen it.
	Okay, Casualties of War.
	The premise is Michael J. Fox is trying to make sure that Sean Penn, John Lake Guizamo, and John C. Riley don't rape some Vietnamese people.
	John C. Riley?
	They make sure they don't what?
	Yeah, so that's the premise is John C. Riley, John Lake Wizamo, some other people, they're led by Sean Penn.
	They're in the Vietnam War, and Michael J. Fox is the good guy saying, hey, we shouldn't rape the locals.
	And Sean Penn's like, uh-uh-uh.
	And that's kind of his thing.
	So I watched that this weekend, and I had like a reaction to it, and I was unsure what that meant.
	So I went to therapy on Monday trying to figure out what happened.
	And my therapist asked, you know, what this stemmed from.
	And the first time I ever saw that movie was back in 1998.
	I was eight years old, and I was staying the weekend with my grandparents.
	And my grandfather, he liked to watch movies that he probably shouldn't watch with kids in the room.
	So that was one of the ones I watched.
	But I left my grandparents' house, you know, like right as the movie was in.
	And my mom came and honked the horn and I went outside and I got in the car.
	And that was also the first time I ever heard that song by Cher, Do You Believe in Life After Love, you know?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, great song.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, so I watched that movie and then I heard that song and it reminded me, you know, that, so every time I thought about that movie, I thought about that song.
	And here recently, I watched that movie and I totally forgot that song existed, but I was watching the movie and then that song started playing in my head and I couldn't explain it.
	And so it was just this really weird feeling, like a flashback.
	So I told this to my therapist and he said that I presently suffer from PTSD VD.
	So for us war movie veterans, if you watch war movies and you have a reaction and it has like a flashback effect, you know, you can get compensation for having PTSD VD.
	Okay, thanks for calling.
	That was very illuminative.
	That was great.
	That was a long time.
	Remember how much shit that Rush Limbaugh got in shit for for saying that I think it's terrible that Michael J. Fox is Parkinson's, but it might have been the Coke.
	And people who do a lot of Coke, and I did a ton of Coke, tend to get Parkinson's.
	And you look at Billy Connolly, fucking Robin Williams.
	Robin Williams.
	Oh, hey, hey, oh, did a lot of Coke.
	Oh, I did a lot of Coke.
	Oh, I did a lot of Coke.
	That's about as all I can do right there.
	I suck at that one.
	Lauren, she's on the line.
	Lauren, are you there?
	Hello.
	When was your first period?
	My first period?
	Yes.
	Well, I was chubby, so I went through puberty early.
	I think I was like 11.
	Gross.
	My grandparents were there.
	Gross.
	They were just a little spotting.
	What do you mean?
	Your grandparents were there for your first gross fat period?
	Yeah.
	They were like, here it comes.
	Prepare to barf.
	Kind of.
	But then my mom bought me a cake.
	A cake?
	Was it fucking cherry pie?
	Was it red?
	No, I think it was.
	I don't remember.
	How old were you?
	I remember I got excited about the cake.
	Wait, how old were you?
	29.
	What?
	What the fuck?
	So you had your first period at 29?
	Oh, oh, no.
	I'm sorry.
	I thought you asked now.
	No, not now.
	No, no.
	That would have been crazy.
	When would you get your period?
	11?
	Yeah.
	And, okay, so you were chubby.
	You had your chubby period at 11.
	And you're...
	What's your background?
	Like, what's your ethnicity?
	I'm white.
	So, okay, so it wasn't like a Hispanic thing.
	We're like, she have her period.
	It's so great.
	She's going to have a baby.
	So your white family was like, what the fuck?
	Your fat cunt daughter just had her fucking period all over the place.
	And did you have it like in your pants or where did it go?
	It was light spotting.
	It was just on my underwear.
	Light spotting on your underwear.
	That's a good name for your autobiography.
	And then you got it under control next time around, I assume.
	And then it was light spotting on your always with wings.
	All right, Don.
	All right, so we got your period out of the way.
	What can we do you for?
	Well, I was wondering, I'm getting married in November, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions for good first dance songs.
	Wow, that's a great question.
	It's a great question.
	That's obviously not our answer.
	That's not our answer either.
	Ryan?
	What was yours?
	What was mine?
	We had a weird thing.
	We had our marriage and then we left.
	Then we came back and it was a full-on party.
	So we had like a bunch of hot tunes totally rocking.
	We fucked up our wedding and we didn't have the thing with the dad giving you away and we didn't have the big song where everyone could be part of it.
	We had a normal weird wedding with no pictures and then we came back and it was just a party where we were just one of many members.
	And my wife got super wasted.
	Like this is the thing about Emily.
	She's all mad.
	Like we don't have any pictures of our wedding and you didn't do the normal way.
	And I go, yeah, you were wasted.
	I was fucking carrying you around like weekend at Bernie's.
	So don't go fucking giving me shit about how it didn't go well enough.
	But I went to an Irish girl's wedding and she had that, I'm a man and chuckstur, don't say, I'm a man, you don't meet every day.
	Now, I don't think you want to dance with your husband with that.
	But that's a good tone.
	That's a good tone of a song.
	What's a good soft song to dance to?
	Dirty Old Town?
	Maybe a pair of brown eyes.
	Are your eyes brown?
	No, they're green, but that's okay.
	That's gross.
	Everyone hates green eyes.
	I'm sorry.
	They're known as shit eyes in the eyes scene.
	You cracked yourself up there, huh?
	Was she pretty?
	Yes.
	I liked Ryan.
	Is she smart?
	Yes.
	Is she funny?
	Yes.
	Nice tits?
	Perfect tits.
	Nice ass?
	Yep.
	What are her eyes?
	Green?
	Dump her!
	Gross!
	Let's hear, what's that song?
	We'll go with Ryan's song.
	Wait, don't.
	Thank you.
	Don't leave.
	We're rolling down the mace every day.
	Yeah, this is it, my dear.
	Amanda!
	Wait, what'd you say?
	He's listening right now, too, so it's a done deal.
	Yeah, let's do it.
	Thank you.
	Let's fucking do it.
	Great work.
	I'd love to be there.
	Send Brian your diets.
	You know, I've married a few people.
	I've married about three or four people.
	Key West?
	Ooh.
	Done.
	What?
	I said, done.
	I'll marry you.
	All right.
	I'll see you in November.
	Okay.
	Good afternoon, guys.
	All right.
	Bye.
	Bye.
	She seems cool, right?
	It's funny, you can just tell by like how someone murmurs.
	I could almost tell by her farts that she's a cool person to hang out with.
	I didn't hear a fart there, but.
	I know, but I didn't either.
	But just like, hey, hey.
	Yeah, yeah.
	She could just tell.
	That's just a good person.
	Like, her kid could get cancer.
	Her three-year-old could get cancer.
	God forbid, God forced.
	And she's just like, God forbid, and let's knock on wood.
	Let's add some wood.
	That's wood.
	We're knocking on wood.
	But she could just be like, I'll be there.
	She's a ride-or-dying nigga.
	Yeah, she is.
	And when she goes to a place where there aren't many ride-or-dye niggas, she goes.
	Slap jog faggots around here.
	You're on the line, sir.
	Man, I'm coming.
	Can I ice that bitch down?
	Oh, all right, Gavin Gobralis.
	What's up, dude?
	And Ryan Krautsu Rubinera.
	Can you bring me a beer when you come back there, Rygai?
	What's up, dog?
	Hey, I wanted to bring up the last time I called two weeks ago about the Akron hardcore scene.
	Akron, Ohio.
	We have a hardcore scene.
	Don't you guys have the new bomb Turks?
	There were lots of bands.
	You guys have the New Bomb Turks?
	You guys have the New Bomb Turks?
	Do you guys have the New Bomb Turks?
	Do you guys have the New Bomb Turks?
	Do you guys have the New Bomb Turks?
	Yeah, I have a time stamp for you on that video.
	Cleveland Screamin'.
	So you guys do have the New Bomb Turks.
	You have the New Bomb Turks?
	I lived with one of the guys who's in that video, and he was a hardcore punk.
	Okay.
	Is he in the New Bomb Turks?
	No.
	So does your area include the New Bomb Turks?
	I don't know what you're talking about.
	What?
	Okay, thanks for calling.
	What?
	What?
	What are you talking about?
	Yeah, email that in if you'd like us to look at it.
	I'm pretty sure the hingpong church are from Ohio.
	Columbus, Ohio.
	You're correct, and he's wrong.
	Okay.
	But Ohio's a weird place where there's very few bands that are from there.
	Yes.
	And my new place to move my family, which is eastern Tennessee and the Carolinas, no baseball teams.
	None.
	None, none.
	Well, good thing we got Justin on the line just in time.
	Hey, guys.
	How's it going tonight?
	Good.
	I originally wanted to call in and talk about CGI Biden, but I was scrolling through Twitter during your show today, and did you guys happen to see the article from The Root that said, like, the pandemic?
	Do you really read The Root?
	Went on to say that whiteness is a public health crisis.
	It shortens life expectancies.
	It pollutes the air.
	It constricts equilibrium.
	Wait, come on.
	What's your name?
	What's your name?
	Hey, I'm Justin.
	Justin, you don't really read the root, do you?
	Like, it's not like when you wake up in the morning, you check Twitter moments, you check emails, you check who texts you, and then you check the route.
	You don't check the route, do you?
	Oh, no, no, no.
	I just was scrolling through Twitter while I was on a whole lot.
	Right, so it's not a thing you check.
	Sean Davis had posted, like, like, was said, so like, this article is wild.
	And I was just reading the article.
	I was like, holy shit.
	I'm not going to mark the route because it's so fucking retarded and below us.
	It's like going to, you know, the special bus and saying, you guys don't know how to walk correctly.
	Anyway, thanks for calling.
	That's fair.
	I got acres of land.
	I got man.
	I'm a roving young fellow.
	Megan's talking about Milo and Thermite Paint.
	What's up there, Megan?
	Hi.
	I just, I was wondering, like, what happened to Milo?
	Like, I'm pretty sure God isn't going to be upset with him for being who he's supposed to be.
	Like, I mean, can't just one day say, oh, I'm not gay anymore.
	Yeah, he's gone off on a tangent.
	He's real into Catholicism these days.
	How old are you, may we ask?
	I am going to be 29 this year.
	What was your first period like?
	When did you discover it?
	Oh, my God.
	It was horrible.
	I was 11 years old and I was in the fifth grade.
	That's young.
	And I was in class and it went through my pants.
	What were your pants?
	Were you wearing white pants?
	No, I was wearing jeans.
	It went through your thick fucking blue denim jeans?
	What kind of flow is that?
	Thick blue denim jeans.
	Your fucking giant flow ripped through my whole thing.
	Your giant flow ripped through your fucking cotton tweed, whatever it is.
	What's that called?
	A twill?
	Denim.
	It ripped through your denim and laid out a huge red stain on your chair.
	Don't forget the undies, too.
	It has to make it past the undies.
	That's a lot of filters.
	Yep.
	And did you cry?
	Were you embarrassed?
	I was so embarrassed and I didn't know what was going on and I just started crying and my teacher brought me to the nurse's show.
	Aren't you embarrassed?
	What year was this?
	It was 2004 or 2004.
	We're going through Lexus Nexus here.
	There's no record of this.
	No, I just, no, I just remember because it was so horrible.
	Wow.
	And what about the next one?
	Were you prepared?
	Did you have always with wings?
	No, like, it kept happening.
	It was bad.
	So all of your periods sucked in reverse when you were, whatever.
	Wait, 11?
	11 is young.
	Are you Hispanic?
	That's very Young, it is a disaster.
	No, I'm Irish, Scottish, Danish, and Welsh, and German.
	So, you couldn't be more white.
	And why are you exuding babies all over your fucking menstrual pads at such a white age?
	I honestly, I've noticed like all the girls in my family were around that age.
	How old are you now?
	I just told you, I'm going to be 29.
	And are you in a relationship?
	Uh, kinda.
	It's weird.
	What do you mean?
	Like, what's that say?
	Do I have a boyfriend, but like, he doesn't really talk to me that often?
	What's his phone number?
	You don't really hang out that often.
	What's his phone number?
	Email it to Ryan.
	Email him to ryan at censored.tv.
	And put your hand.
	You can say his phone number now live on the air, which will probably lead to like, I don't know, 10 calls, not a lot.
	Or you can email Ryan at censored.tv and he'll tell me who to call.
	Yes.
	And I'll confirm that it's you.
	Sounds like you're too pretty for this guy.
	You're too fun for this guy.
	You're great.
	Are you, you're not super fat, right?
	He's really pretty, because I only date pretty guys.
	I'm really shallow.
	Are you fat?
	No.
	In the sense that no.
	Okay, great.
	Well, it sounds like you two should just get back to making babies.
	I'll eat your ass.
	I don't think he wants kids.
	Well, then, goodbye.
	Eat your ass.
	Oh, my God.
	Did you send Ryan his number?
	I did, but I feel like I'm going to regret it.
	No, no, you tell me what to say.
	I want to say, like, what's your name again?
	My name's Megan.
	Megan, what are your last name start with?
	Like, what's the plan here?
	Is this just a fuck buddy?
	What's the deal?
	I'd rather it not be because I'm like 30 and he's in his 30s, but...
	Yeah.
	Fucking it's like farting.
	Like, we get the idea pretty soon after.
	And what's his name again?
	He's like farting.
	Oh, his name's Kevin.
	One.
	Okay.
	Well, don't say it.
	Dude, Lu Lou.
	Right, right.
	Do, do, do, do.
	Do, do, do.
	Do.
	Oh, wait, I fucked up.
	Be careful with the tones.
	People could figure out what it is based on the dialogue.
	These tones are not real.
	Okay.
	It's...
	And by the way, I'm a terrible singer, so.
	Okay, what's his name?
	Kevin?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And you're Megan?
	Yeah, I don't think he's going to answer.
	He doesn't answer his phone.
	We'll see.
	Homeboy's going to like.
	Does he know the show?
	No.
	He doesn't even know my politics.
	Well, he's about...
	I tried up.
	He's like...
	I don't know if he's liberal, to be honest.
	Like, we've been dating for like two years, and I have no idea.
	He didn't pick up.
	See, I told you, he won't pick up.
	He doesn't pick up for anyone.
	Damn, who is this guy?
	I kind of find that appealing, though.
	That's kind of sexy.
	Whoa.
	Okay.
	Got some competition.
	He's a bad boy.
	I said, well, he ain't that straight.
	You may have to.
	I want to fuck him.
	He's a jock nerd.
	What the hell is that?
	Okay, I'm calling my dad.
	Thanks for calling.
	Okay, have a great night.
	Hello.
	Hello?
	Hey, dad.
	Hey, darling.
	How are you?
	Everything is wonderful.
	You know, oh, I'm just sitting around fucking kicking shit, hanging out.
	And you know what I'm realizing, by the way?
	Tell me.
	You need to stop being jealous of me.
	You need to be your own person, your own man.
	I love Jimmy McInnes.
	I think he's a great guy.
	Stop trying to be like Gavin McInnes' dad.
	You know what I mean?
	I try, honey.
	I try, but I can't do it.
	That breaks my heart.
	Well, I understand about all I'm gone, all I'm gone to answer for, my whole life is I am Gavin McKinnis' dad.
	Well, you have to come up with something else.
	I don't know, get good at bingo or shuffleboard?
	Like, what do you guys do in these communities, right?
	These retirement communities?
	I really don't do a handle alone.
	I just keep telling people, I am Gavin McKinnis' dad.
	Yeah, that's not good enough.
	You know what I'm going to do, by the way, when I get that age?
	I'm going to get fucking revenge on all these cocksuckers who have fucked me over.
	And I'm going to throw large McDonald's cups of diarrhea on their faces as they sunbathe.
	Allegedly.
	Oh, God.
	Yeah.
	I have no idea how you're going to get large cups of diarrhea.
	Oh, I know.
	I'm going to shit into diarrhea cups.
	I don't know.
	I'll eat.
	You just can't command diarrhea like that.
	That's a good I can't avoid it.
	That is I'll admit that is a slight flaw with my business plan here.
	I have to, I guess, like eat rotten milk.
	I never thought of that.
	I just sooned I assumed dent I assumed diarrhea would just be everywhere.
	Listen, honey, you're talking to an expert on diarrhea.
	It's one of the few things I know about.
	Okay.
	And it's not that easy to come by?
	Oh, God.
	With me, it's not a problem.
	Yeah, I've noticed that the secret to my marriage is, and you told me this at a young age, you said, have separate bathrooms.
	And I shit in a totally different bathroom than Emily.
	And even when I'm in bed, if I have to fart, I put my fingers either side of my anal lips and I open up and I just go and I breathe out the fart.
	So she's barely ever heard me fart.
	Oh, God.
	Do you know that I read somewhere or heard somewhere that on average, people fart 92 times in bed?
	That's a lot.
	I think it's embarrassing.
	You know, I was hanging out with this ex-biker tonight, Dad, and he's in New Rochelle.
	And they were talking about these enforcers who used to do loan sharking.
	And they're absolutely sadistic individuals that would beat the shit out of someone's kneecaps.
	And guess where they all came from?
	Who do you say, Glasgow?
	The Goebbels, like within a mile from your house.
	I couldn't say it's something I'm throwed on.
	But it made me think it was genetic.
	I mean, these guys are, I could walk to all of their homes from Shalin's Cross.
	And I thought, is this a coincidence?
	Or is it that Goswegians love conflict?
	And it's funny because I'm married with Emily.
	She's a Midwesterner.
	And she hates conflict.
	Like, you could serve her diarrhea at a restaurant, and the waiter would come back and go, how is everything here?
	What's with the diarrhea?
	Let's get off the diarrhea.
	Yeah.
	Okay, you could serve her a dead fish, and they go, how was that?
	And Emily, I swear to God, my wife would go, it's fine.
	Yeah, it's great.
	It's great.
	And my problem is, as a Scot, if I went to bed that night, I would be beating myself up going, why didn't you say anything, you fucking pussy?
	Like you, if you...
	I think there's so many people I know that hate confrontation.
	Canadians in general hate confrontation.
	You know, I've been in bars, you know, and we've been talking politics or religion, and there's always someone who says, oh, excuse me, we don't like to talk about politics or religion.
	And I'm thinking, why the fuck do you think I come to this club?
	That's why I'm here.
	Yeah, you know, it's they hate the concept of confrontation.
	Why can't we just all get along together?
	Well, I've realized with sparring recently at the gym, the secret to surviving it is just to accept that you're going to get clobbered in the fucking head a hundred times.
	And it makes you, you know, accept the endeavor.
	And you just go, all right, let's.
	Well, honey, I'm a little bit worried about you because you've obviously been clobbered seven times.
	This is making me miss you, Dad.
	When are you coming up?
	What are we waiting for?
	Well, I'm probably going to come up towards the end of April because there's no fucking way I'm going to go through this COVID hotel shit in Canada.
	So your plan is I drive you to the border and you walk across?
	No, no.
	My plan is to fly to New York.
	Yep.
	Stay in New York until we're allowed to fly from New York to Canada.
	Oh, you're changing since we last spoke.
	I have no idea how long we'll be staying at your place.
	It could be, I don't know, a year.
	Oh, for Christ's sakes.
	That's torture.
	I know.
	Betty, I know you'll be happy about that.
	Oh, my God.
	I can't imagine it.
	Okay, so let me try to deal with that now.
	I'm going to have a shot of whiskey and try to get over it.
	But yeah, well, maybe you can co-host a show when you're up here.
	Oh, I'd love to.
	I'd love to, because, you know, I'm beginning to think I'm actually more popular than you are.
	You've done such a.
	That hurt, huh?
	You hurt you a little bit there.
	What's the matter?
	Nothing.
	You have hurt me today.
	Seems like that cut a little close.
	Didn't cut close at all.
	Oh.
	All right.
	At all.
	Defensive, deflective.
	Let me make that fucking clear.
	Now aggression.
	You poop stories, everybody says.
	Tap it a morning, T again.
	Tap it a merning.
	Tap it a merning, tap it in.
	Can you hear me?
	I had a poop story I wanted to share with you that I thought was pretty epic.
	Okay.
	I unfortunately gone through rehab and went to this Christian rehab, this like year-long rehab.
	What was your rehab?
	Heroin?
	Huh?
	No, I'm from Florida, North Florida, St. Augustine, and pills were really big.
	So synthetic heroin, pretty much.
	Same thing, yeah.
	So oxy or whatever?
	Yeah.
	What's that?
	Oxy or methadone, roxacet, opana, hydrocodones, cycodones.
	That was the same thing then.
	Now it's all heroin.
	The state of Florida has constricted that ability to get heroin.
	So yeah, the short answer is yes.
	Yeah.
	But I was at this men's program.
	There was like 100 guys there on average.
	And we would get up early and go work at these car lots in Orlando washing cars.
	And we get up to like 6.30 or so.
	And we had this big guy.
	I mean, imagine Mario, but Dominican and inflated.
	So, you know, the video game, Mario, fat and inflated.
	And he was like the first guy on the first time on the job, and I was like the work manager.
	And we were driving in a van with like 12 people in it, you know, a little passenger van Ford.
	And he had a coffee in his hand, and we're all talking.
	It's all men.
	It's all dudes.
	And we're talking, and he goes to sneeze.
	I mean, we're just leaving.
	This is another part of the story.
	We're just leaving the camp.
	It's just pulling out.
	And he sneezes.
	And the way the sneeze shook him, you know, it's almost filled with coffee.
	And there was like an echo, a faint fluttering in the air after his sneeze.
	And I just come.
	I was the only one who really noticed this.
	I looked at him and I said, you all right?
	He said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And it reminded me of your palm guy.
	He goes, point, point, point.
	And he shit his pants.
	Completely crapped his pants.
	And he didn't say anything.
	And we're just driving down the road, five or six guys in a 12-passenger van.
	And he reeks.
	Like, dude, what are you doing?
	And, you know, it took a little process of elimination.
	You know, the windows rolled down.
	So it was you, no, it was you.
	Me, I'm like, you guys.
	I'm like, there's not a fart I wouldn't claim.
	You know, I will put my mark on it after I fart.
	And he wouldn't, he was the only one that was like, no, I didn't do it.
	I didn't do it.
	It's like, dude, I can smell it, honey.
	It's you.
	You sneeze.
	He wants to pull around and go bad and you can change your pants.
	It sounds like you went into a black hurt.
	All right, thanks for calling.
	Eight hours.
	Sounds like a shitter.
	Yeah, there's a poop story.
	It's a poop story.
	There's a poop story.
	You know, today at the gym where I was dressed up in Irish things, I have my Irish shirt on.
	This is green, if you can't see.
	Liz is super mad at me because YMCA came on when I was in the bathroom and I kept opening the door going, Jet, sorry, Joe.
	Joe, shut the floor.
	Now, Liz is a very, like, she literally thinks she's George Washington.
	I'm not joking.
	How do you literally?
	Oh, yeah, that's right.
	She thinks she was reborn.
	Right.
	And she's a wonderful person.
	I love her to death.
	She's very superstitious, clearly.
	She's into astrology and shit, and like Jupiter is doing this and doing that.
	But she was mad at me for making fun of Joe.
	And I have to admit, I spearheaded the whole Joe shit in the bathroom on the floor movement.
	And that's true.
	I did spearhead that.
	But here was my thing I said to Liz.
	I go, Liz, please, when you're busy, like, go take care of them.
	Serve them their beers.
	But I want to talk to you.
	I have a valid concern here.
	And here's my concern.
	If Ryan Katsu Rivera or Al, who is next to Ryan, shit his pants and there was shit going down the bottom of his pants and he went and changed his pants, I wouldn't mention it to a soul.
	It's none of my business.
	Right?
	That's someone who fucked up on their own accord.
	And I've shit my pants every day.
	Like George Brett, I've probably shit my pants once every two years.
	I wet the bed, and I'm not proud of this, at least once a year.
	And it sucks.
	It's not cool.
	You've got to lay down towels.
	It's not cool.
	So I'm no angel.
	But when you have shit-encrusted butt flakes and you leave them on the bathroom, the one men's room, the one men's room that's at the duck inn, then I you violated my area.
	And I was like, Liz, this is now my turf.
	Am I crazy?
	No.
	Like, I swear to God, Ryan, I'm the meanest person.
	You're handicapped.
	You're mentally handicapped.
	Your fucking fag zone's disgusting.
	Whatever.
	I shit on you on a constant basis.
	Not actually.
	I don't literally shit on you, but I'm constantly criticizing you and telling you you suck and you're a horrible person.
	Correct.
	But have you noticed every time I shit on you, it's a changeable thing.
	Right.
	You don't condemn me.
	Yeah, I never go like, your eyebrows are so hairy.
	I hate your eyebrows.
	Besides the father thing, which doesn't even bother me, but I can't bring my dad back into my life.
	I mean, I'm Dennis.
	I'm Dennis Miller.
	I'm your dad.
	Yeah, no, that's true.
	It's always stuff that I could redeem in the future.
	Well, my contention is, I don't think it's wrong that we made fun of Joe because he shot all over our men's room and then denied it.
	Right.
	Isn't that like a deal breaker?
	Yeah, and that's a nice way to tell him a deal.
	Otherwise, like a talk has to happen.
	Either you sit him down, you say Joe, and you make him feel like.
	Our men's room.
	There's two bathrooms: there's a woman's bathroom and the men's bathroom.
	The men's bathroom is one toilet and one urinal.
	He covered it in shit.
	Can't do that.
	And she's like, no, he didn't remember.
	I'm like, no, Liz, you don't not remember dropping a fucking toilet paper deuce.
	A TPD.
	Anyway, next call.
	I feel no guilt.
	Is that Kevin?
	Who does Paul now?
	Paul?
	Paul.
	Oh, fuck him, Paul.
	Does the guy get hit by the bus?
	It sure is.
	For fuck's sake, Paul.
	Big Paul.
	See you, big man.
	This is Ireland, right?
	Or is it Scotland?
	Scotland, I think.
	For spec's sake, Paul.
	Here we go.
	Alan.
	Alan, that's my uncle.
	For fuck's sake, Alan!
	For fuck's sake!
	Fuck off, Alan.
	Alan fucking ill.
	My poor fucking uncle.
	Fuck off, Alan, is the best part.
	My uncle, my uncle Alan got allergic to alcohol.
	His body said, I don't want any more of this in there because it's killing me.
	So he would take a glass of wine and he would go like this.
	And he would hold his nose in his mouth.
	Wow.
	And push it down.
	That is fucking killing.
	Everybody wanted it out.
	Kind of heroic.
	He's a great guy, though.
	We got Jacob.
	Hey, Shola.
	So I'm also calling from North Carolina, and I say Christians right about Asheville.
	Anyway, so a while ago back, I saw that video, 10 Things I Hate About the Jews, and my wife found out about it.
	And I wanted to know, is there anywhere they can find that to let her in on the joke?
	Yeah, no.
	That video has been banned because of the title.
	I guess I shouldn't have made the title so incendiary, but it's absolutely.
	That's a hilarious video there.
	I loved it.
	Yeah, that video said that liberal Jews in Israel should accept that Trump is the most pro-Jew president ever.
	It's a very Zionist video, but it's gone forever.
	Anyway, thanks for calling.
	Toodaloo.
	Toodaloo, motherfucker.
	This is Ryan from Lake Orion calling Gavin and Ryan.
	Hey, Gav, I'm the guy from Lake Orion that wanted you to sponsor my softball team.
	Oh, yeah, I'm into that idea.
	When's the deadline for that?
	Well, we start in like mid-April, but like our first game is late April, so I try to get the jerseys and stuff like that by then.
	And I've got the deadline is the third week, so it's May, the first Thursday of May.
	All right.
	I got plenty of time.
	Can you get us like highlights of how you guys are doing and stuff like that?
	But I wanted to make them.
	Well, either like we could, you could send me what type of shit you want, and then I'll get somebody to make them.
	Or you guys can just send us some censored.tv hoodies or some shit, and I'll take a picture of the softball team and stuff like that.
	Red.
	Yeah, but like, do you feel?
	Also, I wanted to tell you.
	Also, I wanted to tell you, I grew up doing all that American Legion shit.
	I was part of the Sons of American Legion my whole life, dude.
	That place is a blast.
	Drink a couple beers and bullshit with some old war vets and shit.
	That's badass, man.
	But do you take any footage of your games or highlights?
	Yeah, well, you went on the...
	We have a whole group on Facebook and shit, but the league's been around for 60 years.
	My dad played in it for 23 years.
	My uncle played in it for 10.
	I've played in it for this, my 19th year in the league.
	It's a blast because it's the only time you get to see some real male masculinity in fucking Michigan anymore with fucking Hitler running our state.
	That's pretty rad.
	You ever shit yourself while playing baseball?
	God, no, but we get pretty drunk and high in the fucking parking lot.
	Well, that's pretty good.
	No shitting yourself.
	All right.
	You keep it shit for yourself.
	Oh, also, dude, you murdered that fucking guy that wrote the article about you.
	Who?
	Oh, this is Ryan.
	Earlier tonight, earlier tonight, you kicked his ass on that freaking?
	You kicked Alan Forer.
	Oh, you thought that was a good serve?
	Oh, I listened to that.
	You kicked his ass, dude.
	That was fucking beautiful.
	What a faggot.
	Yeah, no shit.
	All right, thanks for calling.
	Yeah, I mean, what do you want me to do?
	You want me to send you guys some info?
	Fuck off.
	What are you thinking?
	You call us.
	We'll talk to you.
	We'll talk.
	He's going to be confused.
	You'll be like, what the fuck are you doing for some glass, tempered glass in my upstairs fireplace?
	Did you measure for any care?
	Did they know that?
	No.
	Like an 8 and a 16th.
	Yeah, that's a small amount.
	You really got to...
	I find the only way to do it is to take the measuring tape with a black marker and then see what you're looking for, then mark that.
	And that's one job.
	And then go back to your desk and be like, that's 8 and 1, 1 16th, 2, 1, 16, 3.
	It's 8 and 3 1 16ths.
	That sounds like it sucks.
	I don't want to do that shit.
	That's stupid.
	That's for smart niggas.
	Yo, Tony's on the line.
	Who's Tony?
	Hey, Tony.
	Hey, guys.
	Hey, guys.
	Can you hear me?
	Yeah.
	Hello.
	Yes, sir.
	Hello.
	Getting mad.
	All right.
	Hey, guys.
	So I'm going to Vegas tomorrow, and then I was wondering if Gavin can call which upset is going to hit tomorrow.
	I'm going to throw a couple names out, and Gavin's got to pick, you know, what he thinks.
	So I'm going to...
	I feel like my friend is constantly scratching the back of his neck.
	Are you that guy?
	I'm going Winthrop, Liberty, Georgia Tech, Colgate.
	Who wins the upset tomorrow?
	Clearly, Georgia Tech, my friend.
	Sink all of your money into Georgia Tech.
	When I say all your money, I mean 10 grand.
	The best spread.
	That's the best spread for the better.
	So you actually, we're the handicapper tonight, buddy.
	10 grand, man.
	10 grand.
	And tell your dad not to run over your head.
	Is that with the points or straight up?
	That's straight up.
	But my tip with your dad is to just sort of stare in the driveway when your head's on the ground.
	That sounds awesome, man.
	And I'm just so happy that you decided to go sober tonight on St. Patty's Day.
	He's been as sober as a church house mouse.
	So it's just...
	Well, it's St. Patty's Day.
	I think it's okay to be drunk on St. Patty's Day.
	Actually, this is the night.
	This is the night you get to do it, buddy.
	So you are Scotch-Irish.
	All the other nights were practicing.
	Tomorrow, I'll be sober as a judge.
	That's pretty much it.
	I'm going to Vegas.
	And so I'm going in the morning.
	Needed the Georgia Tech bet, and so I'm going all in on Georgia Tech.
	All right, go on, Georgia Tech, 10 grand, I said.
	I'm going to do that, dude.
	I'm going to show you.
	Can I say something?
	Total stranger.
	Can you please include $300 from me in the $10,000?
	Dude, I was going to give you like 20% minimum.
	I mean, that's...
	Okay, I'll also take the hit.
	I'll take the hit if I lose.
	A funny story.
	My buddy hired this Italian mafia guy to counsel him on sports bets.
	And the guy started being so belligerent with his threats because my friend, he was like, all right, bet $100 on the Patriots or $1,000.
	And then the next week you bet your winnings on the Seahawks.
	And he was supposed to pay a percentage of that to the bookie.
	And my friend, after losing with this bookie, the bookie's like, I'm so sorry.
	I gave you bad advice.
	Next game, go triple here, triple here.
	And so long story short, my buddy's like, sure, I'll do that.
	And so the guy's like, and he won.
	Like, he called like three or four games in a row, the bookie did.
	And he's like, all right, you owe me like five grand for all the games that I gave you winnings.
	And he's like, dude, I didn't bet those games.
	And he's like, you owe me the five grand anyways.
	I had to call the San Diego police on this bookie.
	This guy was an employee of mine.
	And the police called this bookie and said, stop threatening people.
	So anyways, side note.
	Thanks for calling, sir.
	Bye.
	Love you.
	I know who that is.
	Is he a subscriber or somebody that just gets the number from?
	No, I don't know.
	That's Tony.
	He has the best story out of any story I've ever heard where a bunch of black dudes stormed his house.
	Oh, I know, I know, I know.
	Because his brother was dealing weed.
	Are we allowed to...
	Yeah, we can tell the story.
	I don't care.
	And they broke into his place because they knew they had like 300 grand in the house.
	And the guy you just heard talk had a gun pointed to his head by these black drug dealers.
	I think they're called youths now.
	And he came out with the best line ever.
	He goes, I was at church this weekend with my grandmother.
	And that hits home to the African-American community.
	Don't say like, I was hanging out with my dad all day.
	That's not going to work.
	What the fuck is that?
	What the fuck's a dad, motherfucker?
	You're dead.
	Oh, what?
	I hate dads.
	So it worked.
	And then he had a second chance where he's in the living room, like, thrown on the floor, and he sees the door outside, and he knows the deadbolt.
	And he knows how long it takes to go ka-chunk.
	And he works out, like, running to the deadbolt, turning ka-chunk, is four seconds.
	So he keeps waiting for four-second windows where they're like, is that like a booger or a...
	Boom!
	And he took advantage of one of them, and he ran.
	Do you think they know where you ran because of the shit trail that you leave behind you?
	Like, when I heard that story, I pictured I was actually doing those things, and that didn't feel very comfortable to run towards a thing, knowing I didn't.
	Well, this guy is a hero, Ryan, who absolved himself from murder.
	He has superseded death.
	And you want to make it a poopy thing?
	Feel my grandmaman gave me that chain.
	That's disappointing.
	All right, let's do one more call.
	What?
	Now you're pooping?
	I don't know what you're doing.
	I hate the word pooping.
	Like, fucking...
	Howard Certain talks about duty all the time.
	If there's a big duty there, Robin.
	It makes me fucking mad.
	What do you find when you're taking a duty?
	Katie is talking about her period.
	Katie, are you here talking about your period or not?
	Hello?
	You're on the damn phone, dude.
	Made your period?
	Where'd it go?
	All over your legs?
	Would you go in your ears?
	You can't hear us?
	Period, girl?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hey, dude, you're here talking about your permutation.
	Hey, I am.
	Can you mute the show?
	Just listen to us.
	Don't listen to the show.
	It's 45 seconds behind.
	I hate the show.
	Listen to us now.
	Yeah.
	Back then sucked.
	Okay, good.
	Sorry, but my first period.
	So when I got my first period, I was in, I think, eighth grade, and my mom slapped me in the face.
	This call was about my first time.
	Wait, stop, stop, stop.
	You're going way too fast.
	You can't blow past it.
	So you're eighth grade.
	So you're like, what, 14?
	No, I was actually like 12 because I'm very young for my grades.
	Okay, so where did it go?
	What were your pants?
	Did you have pants?
	I was at home.
	I was luckily enough at home.
	And I went to the bathroom and there was blood in the toilet.
	And I'm like, mom, what the fuck?
	And she came in and she smiled and then she smacked me across the face.
	I guess it's a Jewish tradition that they do.
	And that was it.
	That's great.
	And she gave me a pad, which I don't, it's like a diaper.
	And so you're just basically sitting on a bloody diaper if you just wear a pad.
	So you have to use a tampon or else it's just disgusting.
	So the second period I got, I was up north with my best friend and her family, and I didn't tampon, but I was bleeding like all of the blood in my body was coming out.
	And my friend's older sister was trying to explain to me how to put a tampon in.
	And I was in the shower, in the bathroom, because there was a curtain, and she's explaining it to me.
	And I'm like, okay, I think I got it.
	I think I got it.
	So we all went out to dinner at a tiny restaurant.
	And I'm like, okay, something doesn't feel right.
	And we get back.
	And I'm trying to take it out and I can't get it out.
	It's like stuck because the cardboard applicator is inside of me because I didn't know how to, I didn't take it out.
	You didn't know how to get the tampon out of your vagina?
	No, it was the first time I ever used a tampon.
	So I put it in.
	I didn't know how to get it out, but obviously I didn't put it in correctly because I left the cardboard applicator in.
	You're from Buffalo, New York, or North Dakota, or Wisconsin.
	What?
	Where are you from?
	Ryan's talking about your accent.
	I'm from Michigan.
	I'm from Michigan.
	I guess that sounds like that, too.
	So how are you with your period now?
	Are you guys friends?
	Oh, no.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, I never used cardboard applicators anymore, but yeah, no, I'm good.
	Yeah.
	You finally figured it out?
	It was traumatizing.
	It was traumatizing.
	Have you ever had a kid?
	I had one child.
	Yes, he's going to be 21 in June.
	How old are you?
	I am 39.
	Why no other kids?
	What?
	You know, you really put me on the spot.
	And that's another issue I have with you, you and giving people a hard time about kids.
	Because I just want to, real quick, some people can't have kids.
	And you have so much emphasis on having kids.
	You had a kid.
	Yeah, I had a kid 20 years ago.
	So why not have more kids?
	But people that can't have kids, like, it's not their choice to not have, like, they can't.
	They physically can't.
	Oh, they're like not able to.
	I know, but you had a kid.
	We're not talking about those kids.
	We're talking about you.
	You had a kid.
	What happened to your other kids?
	Did you get divorced?
	I only have one.
	He's upstairs right now.
	Did you get divorced with that guy?
	It's dad?
	We were never married.
	I was a senior in high school when I got pregnant, and we never got married.
	And he's in his life 100%.
	And my husband is 100% in his life.
	So it's a very good situation.
	It's not a bad situation at all.
	Who's the boy's dad?
	Is the boy's dad the new husband or the biological husband?
	Well, the biological father is his father.
	And my new husband, we've been together for like 12 years.
	Okay.
	So who does the young, who does your boy think of as a father?
	My current, but not because his dad's not a bad person or anything.
	He's just flaky.
	But he's always been in his life.
	Hey.
	100% of the time.
	But my current boyfriend is engaged.
	I refuse to say fiancé.
	I'm sorry.
	So I try to say that.
	How long have you been with your current boyfriend?
	Fiancé.
	Well, how long have you been with your current boyfriend?
	Like 12 years.
	12 years.
	And how old's your youngest boy?
	Yeah.
	21.
	I only have one, and he's 20.
	So that's 8 to 21.
	That's an adult life.
	So it sounds like the boyfriend is the dad.
	Yeah.
	I'm sorry?
	It sounds like the boyfriend is the dad.
	I mean, 8 to 21.
	He has been.
	He has been before.
	I mean, before we were even together, my son went behind my back when he was like, I don't know, like 10 or 12 years old.
	He would call my current boyfriend or fiancé, whatever you want to call him, and like ask him to hang out.
	We were just friends at the time.
	So my son would go behind my back and call him because he wanted to hang out with him because he was his best friend.
	But when puberty happened, then they became like mortal enemies.
	And now it's just a nightmare.
	But he's still like...
	He's still basically raised him.
	it's not a bad situation, I promise.
	Like it's a very, very good, positive situation.
	His father's in his life, and so when you had your first, when you when you first started menstruating, you had to throw away those pants or were the pants still fouchable?
	I'm pretty sure I threw away the pants, but I can go look around in my closet and see if I save a lot of stuff, so I'm sorry?
	Where do you live?
	Novi, Michigan.
	Where's that?
	Is that near like Minnesota?
	It's southeast Detroit.
	It's right by Detroit.
	You're in the wrong fucking city.
	You fucking.
	So it's in a shithole.
	It's in a fucking shithole.
	Don't say that.
	I love that.
	I love how patriotic Americans are.
	Like, they could be in the worst part of Earth.
	And they just go, fuck you.
	I love it here.
	Yeah.
	It's not the worst part of Earth, though.
	It's not at all.
	I'm sure it's not.
	I'm sure it's not.
	I'm sure it's not.
	Anyway, thanks for calling and I like you more than a friend.
	I love you.
	Thank you so much.
	He loves you.
	Lucas, you're on the line.
	Oh, sorry, I can hear you over Roadhouse Blues playing.
	My bad.
	Oh, that's what that was.
	Le Per de G. What's up, man?
	What's up, dude?
	Well, I just wanted to, first of all, just thank you for your service.
	You really don't get as much appreciation as you should.
	I tip my red beret to you as a paratrooper for being a war movie veteran.
	So you're an actual war vet?
	That's not the worst thing you do.
	Huh?
	You're an actual war vet?
	I wouldn't say a vet.
	I mean, it's my first year in the service.
	Thank you for your actual service.
	So you've only been doing one year.
	Yeah, well, I kind of just signed up like not too long ago.
	So you're the last year.
	You're the part in Full Metal Jacket.
	As someone has done zero years, but.
	You're in the private pile area of the Full Metal Jacket film tour.
	Nice.
	But yeah, thank you for that.
	And by the way, you do not get as much credit as you should.
	I mean, you deserve so much appreciation for not that, but for raising a daughter in 2021.
	I mean, holy shit, dude, I've been through airborne school.
	I've been through air assault school, sniper, like I've been through a lot of shit, but nothing scares me more than raising a fucking daughter in modern day, man.
	How do you do it?
	Well, I'm obviously very wary of you even mentioning her name or her existence.
	I'm very protective of her.
	She's 14.
	If you were to say a detail that was remotely disturbing, I would jump into the microphone and strangle you.
	But yeah, it's pretty tricky with daughters.
	You know, Jared Taylor is a racial realist.
	He's basically the David Duke of America.
	He's one of the most controversial figures on earth.
	And I'm a good friend of his.
	And I said to him, I go, I'm known as almost as horrible as you.
	What's it like?
	And he said, what I do with my daughter is I just pay a lot of attention to her and I make it clear to her that I love her.
	So when everyone shits on her father and says he's evil, she knows that's the guy who, you know, worships the ground I walk on.
	So I make it very clear with my daughter that I like, I want to kiss your pencil.
	I love your fucking door.
	I love your contact lenses.
	Like you're my cherished angel.
	And so when she hears bullshit about you, she takes it with a grain of salt, especially when I'm an interesting guy in the sense that when we go out in public, I do a lot of selfies with fans.
	So my daughter sees me going, hey, yeah, yeah.
	And then she sees assholes throwing like shit at us.
	So I'm not, you know, an exclusively bad guy.
	I'm a good guy, too.
	But I would say to other people who are controversial, it's not a big deal.
	All you have to do is just funnel mountains of attention to your children and tell them you love them.
	And then they inevitably hear negative things about you and go, well, that's the guy that like fucked me, fucking hugged me all night when I had a high fever.
	So I don't give a shit what you think.
	That's the way to do it.
	I was going to say more of like the TikTok, like social media, like all this peer pressure and all that shit, like more of that aspect.
	I mean, that must be health, you know?
	Like growing up in this fucking like Instagram and all that, that kind of stuff where girls are constantly like comparing themselves to other.
	I can't name, it can't even count on like all the fingers in the world how many girls that I know who have, you know, oh, I have body dysmorphia.
	I have this.
	I'm not skinny enough.
	And they go, you know, they go on, they have depression and they cut their, and it's just terrible, you know?
	I just couldn't do it.
	Man, I just had to have five daughters.
	That second topic is how your daughters feel, you know, FOMO, fear of missing out.
	And the answer to that is sort of the same.
	You just got to keep loving them a lot.
	Anyway, that last question was super boring.
	Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.

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