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March 11, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
49:22
GOML LIVE #89 | DRUNK AND LATE (Part 1)

Just because the host is drunk and late doesn't mean it's not going to be a great show. It is! We look at more killed cartoons, my pet Biden, Burger King, and the strange predominance of mixed race couples in commercials.

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Time Text
First in the room, bursting from noon, herbalist fumes, words meet balloon, curse off the zoo.
Live from New York.
on with Gavin McInnes.
Who's got the bag?
Food in the back pocket.
I'm here to boo Babylon.
Let's be having our boondocks back.
You have to do what you can.
You know, in boxing they say you got to sometimes let someone get a beating because they could have a comeback.
And as a homo, I say, no.
Someone gets knocked down once, it's the end of the fight.
Throw in the towel.
Because I don't want these fighters getting brain damage.
But then other people go who understand the sport better than me go, no.
That's not what it's about, dude.
You ever seen Rocky?
You want to see the guy recover?
And Mike Skinner took a beating.
He was the top.
I think he did that song When You're Famous about how it's weird getting pussy when you're famous because it's so easy.
But then when you meet a famous girl, it's just like when you wasn't famous.
And that really pissed off people.
I don't understand why it made them so mad.
He was being honest.
His whole thing, Mike Skinner's whole thing was always being himself.
The streets, the band was about being themselves.
I'm pluralizing the band and not calling it Mike Skinner because most Americans listening probably have no idea who the fuck I'm talking about.
And then he had some comebacks that sucked.
Sorry, they just didn't have that same oomph, that same jequ, that same irreverence.
And the thing about Mike Skinner is he was always thinking outside the box with a totally fresh take.
Like he had that song, A, You Want to Know You B, B, and he did like the A B C D E F G to Z and each line in the song was a different letter and it worked out fucking perfectly and you didn't realize you're listening to the alphabet.
That's how good he was.
And you know, you get older.
I mean, you've seen this show.
I've been doing this for 25 years.
You can tell that I'm getting old and weak and less funny than I was.
And then he comes out with this jam about recovering from COVID.
Everything's open again.
And you're going out.
And the first thing you say is, who's got the bag?
That's fucking great.
And that's a nod to the classic first album, right?
It is?
With that lighter?
That's always been his icon.
And I just love the bam, bam, bam.
Burned it off too soon.
Shmurder is loose.
I burned it up too soon.
I settled for a girl too early in the night.
I could have done better, maybe.
Shit.
How am I going to get rid of her?
They always fit along really well with that guy.
One time he came to my house, and we were all hanging out.
I don't think we were doing heroin, but it's possible.
And this girl was there, and the two girls I didn't know, there wasn't that many people at my place.
It was my apartment on 9th Street in the East Village, and there was maybe like eight people there.
And there's two girls I didn't know, and they were just staring at him all night.
And then when they left, they both gave him fully conscious of each other their hotels and the room number.
They handed each individually, handed them those separate notes.
That was his life back then.
I'm talking like 2003.
Crazy life.
I have a fun idea for today's show.
It's complicated, though.
Are you ready for this, Ryan?
Yes.
So it's free 9 to 9:30, right?
It's a two-hour show.
Of course.
So from 9 to 9:30, I want to do a sort of mini get off my lawn.
So these freeloaders get an idea of what it's like.
So we'll do all our segments, but we'll do one story per segment.
That's fun.
Right?
That brings us to 9:30.
Then from 9:30 to 10, I want to watch TV, but just on in the background, like a little bubble.
And then I want to write down commercials: who's male, who's female, who's mixed.
I forgot mixed race.
Because as an alcoholic, I'm constantly sitting in bars and I'm seeing every single fucking commercial is a black woman and a white guy.
Now, John Kinsman, who's in jail for racism, is married to a black woman, Zanoa Kinsman, the proud boy who went to jail for four years.
But besides that, I don't really see it that much.
Yet, commercials, it's like fucking 80%.
Now, I used to think kids' movies, this is an old theory, so it may have changed by now.
But back in like 2015, 14, I said kids' movies are all politically correct.
They all have a message now.
And then I went through and listed all the top kids' movies, and I actually noticed I was wrong.
And there was a lot of movies that were actually pro-capitalist, pro-free market, anti-government.
I mean, E.T. is anti-government.
This wasn't that far back, but you get what I'm saying.
So, the reason I want to do the chart is it could be that I'm wrong.
That I see one black woman with a white guy, and I go, stop saying that.
It doesn't happen that often.
And then I forget the other eight out of 10 commercials that are like white on white, black on black.
So we'll see.
It's research.
So that's 9:30 to 10.
So let's power through this 9 to 9:30 where we're showing you what a typical two-hour episode is like.
We've been making them two hours, although Monday was three hours, which broke the machine.
So, Ryan, if you can get the sponsor's notes, well, I every show we have a book of the day, so we do the song of the day, and that was Mike Skinner's new hit, Who's Got the Bag?
Not that a 50-year-old man can do coke anymore, but we do remember our kooky days.
Isn't it weird when you focus these cameras and you see your beard and skin in a way you've never seen before and you realize, cameras are better than my eyes.
Yeah, as far as color goes, color.
If I'm looking at like a bug, I'll take up my camera and photograph the bug and look at the bug for you.
I did that the other day, too.
Yeah, what, you had a bug in your house?
No, we were trying to figure out Jill and I were driving, and there was some Jill's my best lesbian friend.
Remember her?
Ryan's best friend is a girl, my best lesbian, my best friend that is a girl.
There's two different categories, you know that.
Anyway, this is my best friend, my best female friend that is a girl, Leslie Arfin.
And I kind of wrote this book, to be honest.
I edited it, and it's just her diary.
It was a column we had in Vice, and I've been doing a book a day, so inevitably we're going to end up with books from way the fuck back.
Am I in any of these pics?
Is Chloe 70?
Is Chloe 70s in there twice?
Where the fuck am I, you bitch?
This is back when we were really into design.
Look at this.
It has a magnetic cover that slams shut because it's a diary, right?
It's locked.
And this is about Leslie's life.
You know, a lower middle class Jewish girl on Long Island with a fucked up dad, dysfunctional dad.
She might not like me saying that, but fuck that guy with a dork loser.
Not even a dork, a self-indulgent hippie boomer.
And, you know, when she was done the book, she goes, so what the fuck do I know?
You know, this is my diary.
I made a bunch of mistakes.
I corrected them, I hope.
And now I'm happily married with a kid, although I'm not sure she was when she finished this, but you get the idea.
And me and the editor from Simon Schuster, is that who did this?
I think so.
We go, Leslie, you can't fucking just say, whatever, who gives a shit.
This is powerhouse books.
People are sitting down reading this book carefully, analyzing it.
So they're looking up to you.
You're a teacher in this case.
You can't just say, I don't know, fuck it at the end.
And she goes, well, that's how I feel.
And I go, well, you got to go, I don't know, go for a long walk, spend a few days thinking about what all this means, and come up with a summary at the end.
Now, spoiler alert, the summary is it's good to make mistakes.
You'll figure out what's going on with life.
I made her this friend of me timeline for the book, too, that shows when she liked this person and when they hated her and when they broke up.
But I'm noticing in the front here, wait a minute.
David, I've always been secretly in love with you.
Sorry, you had to find out this way.
I love Lou.
I love you, Leslie.
P.S. You made me write that.
So I think this was David Cross's autograph copy that I ended up with somehow.
I hope I didn't steal it.
The why of things.
Why did you steal that?
All right.
So our newest sponsor, Tactic.
Look, we're already fucking almost halfway through the show.
And we've barely, we've only just begun.
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I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, Tactical Walls, to the Censor.tv family.
They made this.
They made this beautiful statue of Ryan and I as war movie veterans.
I've always bragged that though I've never been in a war, I've seen a lot of war movies, sometimes stoned, and I believe I deserve some sort of recognition for that.
And since I've started saying that, I've noticed that vets have a pattern where they say to me, thank you for my service.
I don't mean they're thanking me for my service.
I mean, they literally say that verbatim.
Thank you for my service.
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Now, remember, we're hiding guns here.
These are legal guns you're hiding, and you're really hiding them from your kids and from intruders.
So if you don't get Tactical Walls, and this is me talking, not them, you're killing a child.
You're killing your own baby.
Okay, so if you want to continue murdering children, that's fine.
Go bananas.
Wait, is this a handkerchief box that hides a gun?
Sure is.
Hey, I'm coming to kill you, bearded guy.
I'm going to shoot you in the head.
I'm a home intruder.
You better stop reading that magazine because I'm here to rape your wife and kill your family and take all your stuff.
And I know you don't have a gun because all you have is a box of Kleenex and a magazine and some old flat Coca-Cola.
He doesn't seem worried.
Well, now I'm in.
He's deaf.
This is the thing about deaf home invasions.
They take a while.
Boom.
Boom.
And kaboom.
Shalo, you've got home defense.
Shalo, you got a glack.
Okay, so let's start the show.
Now, this is a condensed version of our show.
So we're doing My Pet Biden.
This is a regular segment we have where we talk about my pet, Joe Biden.
Biden.
On him I can defend.
My pet.
Biden.
A monster on the president.
He's big and foolish.
Sleepy.
But a friendly monster too.
My pet.
Biden.
Wait, what?
That doesn't rhyme.
All right.
So this is a funny episode of My Pet Biden because we usually show him bumbling and we adore the way he tries to speak English.
And he's so cute when he's trying to leave a room and he forgets his mask.
And what?
Where am I going?
Am I. Do you want me to answer questions, Nance?
I'll do whatever you tell me to.
That's cute.
But this is a special edition of My Pet Biden where we have My Pet Biden's pet.
What's his name?
Wolf.
I just want to thank you both.
I want to know.
Did I send the wrong fucking thing?
I did.
All right.
So you're seeing us make a huge embarrassing mistake.
Oh, no, no, no.
I know what's going on.
I changed my mind.
I was going to make this about his German Shepherd who has a Twitter account, but then I realized we're trying to show people a normal episode to get off my lawn.
So I hadn't consulted my attorney, me, before I did this.
And I went back to a normal example of My Pet Biden.
So here is My Pet Biden trying to remember the Secretary of State, who is Lloyd Austin.
Lloyd Austin is our first black secretary, not of state, secretary of defense.
And he is a nerd.
He's an academic.
I don't think he's ever been in battle.
He went to West Point.
He's got all these degrees.
He's not my cup of tea.
Fuck the police's boss.
I don't like top brass.
And I think he's a top brass kind of guy.
But Biden elected him probably because he's black.
But he doesn't actually care about him, which is why he can't remember his fucking name.
There he is, Lloyd Austin.
All books, all academia, all elitism, no grit, no experience, a bunch of fake medals.
He's basically North Korean.
And the great thing about this show is people will write in and go, dude, his fucking best friend's head was blown off in Afghanistan.
And he put it in an ice bucket and dragged them both back to base and it was sewn back on and he lived.
That's where the ice bucket challenge came from, Dick.
There's a one in a thousand chance that I'm wrong.
But my research shows this guy is a boring academic who hasn't really paid his dues.
But he's black and he's up there.
So Biden got him on board.
Unfortunately, Biden, just like we see Joe as our pet, liberals see blacks as their pet and he has no idea who the fuck the guy is.
By the way, the Secretary of Defense, that's a big job.
Donald Rumsfeld did it twice in 75 and 2001, I believe.
We've had some pretty important Secretary of Defenses.
It's a big gig.
Anyway, go ahead, Joe.
I just want to thank you both, and I want to thank the former general.
I keep calling him general.
Mad Dog Mattis?
The guy who runs that outfit over there.
I want to make sure we thank you.
Stop the Secretary.
He was a general.
I know that.
He's my guy who runs that whole thing over there.
He's the Secretary.
That's it.
That's all he remembers.
Do you think Trump could forget Mad Dog Mattis?
Is that possible?
That's my guy, that's some sort of a dog for all he's done to try to implement what we just talked about and for recommending.
Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I want to thank my guy.
He was a general, the secretary, whatever his name is.
He runs that whole thing.
And I want to thank him for all the stuff we just talked about.
He forgot the guy and the thing.
Is he the cutest pet president anyone's ever had?
I saw this video today online.
I forget where it was, but it was a pug, and she had opened the cage for her pug, the little dog cage, and it was pacing back and forth in the cage, pissed off that it couldn't leave.
And she was looking, going, oh, Wilbur, because he didn't realize it.
All he has to do is turn left, and he's no longer in a dog cage.
That's my pet Biden.
He's a monster of a friend.
And he has.
Giving a pet pets is not going well.
Holy shit.
Is that him in the background?
Is that Lloyd Austin right behind him?
It is.
It looks like it, right?
It sure does.
I mean, how many other tall black men are there in the world?
Yeah.
He's got a specific type of head, too.
Lloyd Austin.
By the way, the thing I was going to show on this was Joe Biden's Sherman Shepherd's Twitter account, where he's like, I'm pawfully sowy that I bit someone because he bit his security detail.
And it's a very cute little Twitter account where he says stuff in dog talk.
But I thought, wouldn't it be funny if the security detail died?
He got some horrible infection from the dog bite.
And the last message from the president was a tweet from his dog saying, I'm pawfully sawy that I bit you, but I was scared.
Anyway, that's my pet Biden.
Jesus, we're 20 minutes into the show.
We've barely done one thing.
Let's jump into racism.
Ready, Ryan?
Talk about racism.
I always racist, guys.
It's like one of our weirdest intros because it's Ryan's bizarre, like late 90s graphic design talents with shit I told him to do.
And then he does these filters on things where he makes them washed out in orange.
Your graphic design sense isn't bad.
It's foreign.
Yeah.
You're a foreigner.
You got some cool things.
I mean, that one does.
That's a cool thing.
That one's weird, but I like it.
It definitely doesn't.
It sits weird in my portfolio.
No, it doesn't.
It goes along with your entire portfolio with this fucked up.
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Oh my God, we're down to the last five minutes of the free shit.
And we've barely touched our free show.
See, this is why I always describe our show as radio.
Because it's many hours and there's a lot of meandering.
Tucker Carlson is television.
Tucker Carlson is bonk, bonk, bonk.
We're going to hit all these points.
We have two minutes per point.
That's not who I am.
I'm not as good.
I like the freedom to meander.
Anyway, over the course of the week, we've been analyzing all the cartoons that have been killed.
And it's amazing how hard it is to keep track.
So I thought I had a grip on it two days ago on our special episode called Killed Cartoons.
And what do we have on that episode?
We had Pepe Le Pure is done because he's a rapist.
Lola Bunny is done because she's hot and we don't want to make kids corny.
Speedy Gonzalez is done because he exemplifies the stereotype of a lazy drunk Mexican.
And you go, but he's not a lazy drunk Mexican.
He's zipping all over the place.
He's speedy.
It's in the name, just like Antifa.
It's anti-Fa.
But there is an episode, I guess, where his friend is a drunk Mexican.
Okay, what?
And then we had the six Dr. Zeus books, which within those six, there's about 12 characters that are unacceptable, like Eskimo fish.
So you go, okay, we're done, right?
Not even close.
That's only four.
And Dr. Zeus is a weird category because it's like 10 within that one.
No, we now have Dumbo.
Now, in Dumbo, there's those black crows.
They're like, what you talk about, Willis?
I like some fine foxy mamas.
My problem with that is they weren't negative.
The crows weren't like human garbage, even though they were crows.
They weren't crow garbage.
And they were very amicable, weren't they?
Not that that should matter, right?
I don't remember the you can have black villain crows who steal and cheat and stab people.
That's a segment of the black population.
You can have Scottish murderers.
Why couldn't the Scottish is a great metric for all this shit?
Like, what if there was Scottish crows that were drunks and wore tartan and head-butted people?
Those are valid patterns you may have noticed of the Scots.
And I don't have a problem with that.
The big picture is here.
What's the matter with negative stereotypes?
But that's how that's, aren't they voiced by blacks too?
Like, and that's that's how they act.
So that's how some acted.
Bust balls, and they're like, ah, you don't look like you look like that.
But I've been nothing about everything.
And by the way, this is why our show can't be short because we're talking about complicated nuance here.
This is a fight I had with Leslie Arfin very recently because she's not racist.
And I am, allegedly.
And I said to her, We're talking about stuff like this, like the crows.
And I go, I get that that's, you know, stereotypical, but people are stereotypical.
A lot of Scots are drunk.
There's plenty of Scots who are teetotalers.
But I went to Scotland every year as a kid.
My parents are Scottish.
I'm Scottish.
I'm drunk right now.
That's why I was late for the show.
Because I was at a bar.
And she goes, well, look at Long Duck Dong in 16 Candles.
I mean, do you honestly think that wasn't racist?
And I go, yes, I honestly think that wasn't racist.
And she goes, you're blowing my mind here.
She goes, you haven't evolved since 2008.
She goes, there's a fucking gong every time you see him.
And by the way, God bless Leslie for at least being open to yell to a grumpy old man, an archie bunker.
Most people have just like severed the cord.
In fact, I'm guilty of saying, just sever the cord.
But I go, yes, I'm aware of the gong with long duck dong.
But so, and then the argument is the perpetual foreigner argument, which, by the way, got the aristocats killed.
He is a foreigner.
It's not in the notes, Ryan.
Just dig up Long Duck Dong.
Why aren't you looking that up, you stupid chink?
Well, because I thought it was going to be like a little hop and a skip.
That's what I'm saying about this show.
We can't do hop and skips.
Yeah.
Now, by the way, someone would take that stupid chink out of context.
It's obviously a hilarious joke where I'm talking about stereotyping Asians and then I make use of an anti-Asian epithet.
That's brilliant.
Yet in Max and John's appeal, they're the Proud Boys that are in prison, all they talked about was my racist hate speech.
Meanwhile, they're not getting the nuance of the quips.
But I get why we're all supposed to say this is racist, okay?
He's not cool.
What's your name?
Donk.
What's your first name?
Long.
What's your middle name?
Duck.
I bet all the boys are chasing plenty in this school, huh?
No chance.
Nobody's caught me yet.
That was me and Courtney Crowley at the problem.
That's you and every girlfriend you've ever gone out with.
No, but this was a real giant.
So, yes, it checks off all the boxes of racist, right?
But we should be able to go, okay, but why?
And again, the Scottish thing comes in handy.
What if there was a Scottish exchange student and he had a tartan tam and a kilt on?
And every time you saw him in the movie, there were bagpipes.
And he had a Mickey.
He had a Mickey of whiskey and he was chugging it.
And then he would have a red nose and he'd fall over backwards.
Is that racist?
Or are they just lampooning a pattern?
Like, what is racism?
I would say racism is not just noticing a pattern, but insisting it applies to every single person of that group, which none of these examples are doing.
All these examples are saying, here is one tiny, here's five people doing that thing that happens to be a stereotype.
And then the other fucking misnomer is this whole see it to be it thing where they go, I was young.
I'm like a Japanese Puerto Rican and I never saw people like me on TV.
So Ben Carson is not a fucking brain surgeon because he saw a black brain surgeon on TV.
Wait, play that clip.
How is this different from Long Duck Dong?
We've got the Pipertune.
I don't even have a Piper who's down.
I repeat, a piper is not.
Dude, I remember that completely everybody's yelling it.
We've got the Pipertone.
So that's because you're yelling.
You misremembered it.
Yeah, because I hear you yelling with.
I'm just like thinking everything Scottish people say is yelling.
It's amazing how many things we misremember.
Yeah.
I remembered it better, I think.
Right, yeah, we improve things.
There's a drunken piper who collapsed.
Who can I sue?
That's not really flattering, is it?
No, it's not flattering.
So is that the deal?
You can only show patterns if they're flattering.
No, well, they're white, and you can't get away with that.
The thing is, like, people make fun of it.
Like, you can show black people, you know, white man can't jump.
You can show black people doing awesome in sports and stuff and cool jazz thing, cool runnings, whatever.
But if there's like a negative symptom, that's really what racism is according to these new rules.
Even if it depicts a pattern that is negative, the brand new coming to America, how is that not a problem?
Well, they're talking like this.
Because he's rich, right?
And he doesn't eat the poo-poo.
They eat the poo-poo.
All over that place.
All over that place.
By the way, Ugandan homophobe, they don't really eat the poo-poo.
In those pornos that you saw, they clean their asses with like bleach wipes and they have a bunch of enemas.
So they're licking pretty clean anal lips.
I would say we could ask Milo about that, but I don't even know anymore.
Mino's not gay anymore.
Milo.
Who's Mino?
Mino's not gay.
He's my Milo.
He's Mino.
Yes.
By the way, I'm mad at him.
Could he not have mentioned censored.tv while he made national news again?
That's a shame.
We made South Park.
Proud Boys made South Park.
Oh, really?
Yep.
I didn't know that.
Pretty fun.
Oh, there we go.
South Park Proud Boys.
And then they have just, you know, P with the laurel.
Keith sent this to me.
That's cool.
We made it.
Apparently, Enrique is already making those hats.
And are those zits?
Yeah, or meth marks.
He's got a Hawaiian shirts.
We're not Boogaloo Boys.
This guy's got a pirate hat on.
I haven't seen that.
Okay.
And then they got, you know, this guy.
You.
Yeah.
Whoever the fuck Q is.
So, I blew it.
My goal was to do a mini show in half an hour.
I'm not even close to done.
Two segments, My Pet Biden and Racism.
But let's just finish this.
Let's just make it a long, free episode.
Aristocats.
So Aristocats is gone because they have the Siamese.
Can we a Siamese if you please?
They have the Siamese cats in there and they have chinky eyes and big teeth.
That's the perpetual foreigner thing.
The perpetual foreigner thing applies if they're not foreigners.
When I was a kid and I saw these Chinese cats playing, I just assumed that they were newly here, just like Mike Myers is Scott.
So that's insane.
And then the other one was: get this.
The pirates are negatively portrayed in what was it?
Peter Pan.
What?
Yes, pirates are bad.
Their fucking flag.
Oh, there you just showed it right.
That was it.
Their fucking flag is a skull and crossbones.
That's bad.
The reason we have the Marines is because Muslim pirates were kidnapping our women and turning them into sex slaves.
I mean, they're villains.
How is that negative to point out?
And they're not sensitive.
They were rapists, sodomites.
Yeah.
And they don't like and killed people.
They don't like cartoons.
They're not going to be offended by this.
If you can't make pirates villains, they would ride up next to your boat.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with everything in the world.
I'm turning into John Malini.
You know, as in everything in the world?
You know, those pirates with their socks.
You know, rapists.
And look, pirates were Middle Eastern.
They were Arabs, basically.
But in this, they make them white as a bunch of Englishmen, and that's still not acceptable.
That's not good enough.
So pirates are portrayed negatively in Swiss Family Robinson and Peter Pan.
So that's gone.
Oh, no.
Sorry, Peter Pan.
The problem with Peter Pan was redskins.
Indians are called redskins, which is fucking.
Like, I've made three Redskins from scratch.
It's a ridiculous thing to be offended by.
And I think there's a good argument that they did have redskin.
The thing about Indians is, and this is a fault of ours, they had developed brown fat.
And Wynne Hoff, in the book That Which Does Not Kill Us, explains that human beings are capable of developing brown fat, where we are better at withstanding the cold.
We somehow pussied out.
We used to have this ability back when we were, you know, Vikings and in the surviving the Siberian winters.
We developed this skill too.
The Indians lost it much later than us.
So they would be able to withstand, like, say, 20 degrees with no shirt on.
We would be freezing our asses off with that.
And I would imagine if you are wearing no shirt in 20 degrees, even if you're warm, your skin's going to be pretty red.
There's a lot of circulation going on here.
So my personal theory is that Redskins got the name because they were red because they were scantily clad in cold weather, which they could handle.
Anyway, it's not a fucking insult.
And it's insane that these people are all banned.
All right, that's going to be, I guess, the end of the usual segments we have.
I had Antifa, I had feminism.
But towards the end of every show, we go and do the mailbag where we read letters from viewers.
So let's try that.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Okay.
I have to go pee very bad.
Ryan, can you read the first letter here?
Yes.
It's from a guy named Brendan?
Brendan, and he talks about Long Duck Dong.
Oh, so a little video.
Perfect.
My name is Fuk Long, and today we're talking about the Saudi Fen.
Some people out there want to take all your money.
Kick your dog.
Do the booty info tray some people say you pee your pan do the throw up and you make them not horny anymore and they go away but I don't want the foot long inside a foot long some people use a pepper spray but not the 100 reliability what's up at the five power united should i just show the video or talk
So that is a video of a guy making fun of Chinese people and from personal experience using uh, you using personal experience here my Korean boss was very racist towards Japanese and Chinese.
If um, it's boring interject oh, I didn't hear what you said and I said I know, but you should just know that instinctually, we're trying to entertain people.
I don't think it's boring, it's only a minute.
No, that's not relevant.
And there's a punchline.
It seems like this is a comedy bit.
That's a minute.
So if I would step on a punchline then it would take away the possibility of it being funny.
You know what I mean okay, so what's his joke?
Um, he's being loaned a dog and he's like, take it from you.
Know, people are trying to rape you in the booty so you could throw a pepper spray at them, but that doesn't work.
Some people use a pepper spray, but not the 100 reliability.
At the FIVE Power United we had a new cell Chinese guy does not do a very good Chinese accent.
I'm not going to smash the subscribe.
No, that's not fire or hot.
Totally buzz off.
Excuse me, but again, I understand why you sound good when you say that long duck dong is a racist stereotype.
I understand you sound sane and the way we've all been conditioned boxes checked off, it's a Chinese stereotype.
There's a gong, all that.
But let's go a layer deeper and show me, like in a court of law, why that is racist and you can't really do it and that's the problem with all of these fucking band cartoons.
All right hey, Arnold Buds Drinker.
And in Sylvester Stallone I remember you talking about pedos and saying that there's a difference between a 50 year old man with a 13 year old girl I don't think I said that much of a gap and an 18 year old boy with a 15 year old girl.
Now there is literally an episode on have a Seat with Chris Hanson like that, with a nervous 18 year old virgin boy trying to meet up with a 15 year old girl, which we don't advocate.
But it's no guy my age.
With a a girl underage, it's hard to watch.
They literally ruin the poor kids life and the sheriff from the department they're doing these sting operations with is interviewed by Chris Hansen and calling the poor kids sick and depraved.
And this and that the guy is portrayed in the first episode as a hero as he is marching with black lives matter and being a complete treacherous little cuck.
Fuck the police, his boss.
I'm not saying you should watch that.
Watch the episode right now, though it's pretty crazy to hear the boy cry, but it's more in the comments.
They're fucking gold, and the dislikes on the video just show you how the majority don't have a fucking problem with the high school senior going out with the sophomore.
Now, I went to prom.
I think my girlfriend in high school was 15 when I was 18.
I was maybe 17, but I think I did this.
I'm here, I hear my yeah, I had one like that too.
We didn't, I think.
When I was 17, I think I dated a 15 year old which was like two grades lower.
Yeah, mine was ninth grade, I was in 11th grade, mine was like that too, and there wasn't any weirdness to it.
No nobody's.
No, it was a little weird, all right.
Yeah, we had like two years apart.
We didn't.
We were like i'll just wait.
We waited, do things.
Yeah, I think we waited too, but we were dating early.
But anyway, let's see this.
You got him.
Get the pedophiles off the streets.
If they would dare.
Wouldn't you love to see this Chris Hansen in London with Pakistanis?
Wouldn't that be the end of his career?
He would be the beginning.
grooming all these all these british girls you know no matter how many times i do this you still wonder if this one wonder if this was a thing to do to an 18 year old Have a hard go with somebody who's on the young side, even though legally they're an adult.
So you have to hope in this case that Sean does learn a lesson.
It would seem that he'd be a candidate for probation.
And if he can stay out of trouble and learn something from this, go to college.
What's up, Chris?
We don't want to be known as the, we're showing you this microcosm of our show, And I don't want you to think that we regularly defend sex with 14-year-old girls.
What's up with all the cartoons?
What's that with fucking a 14-year-old?
Once again, on today's show, we delve into the times it's okay to fuck a 14-year-old.
And they're canceling the cartoons.
What else are they going to watch when they bring us to the moment?
I mean, what's next?
First of all, Pepe LePue's bad, and now fucking a 14-year-old's bad?
What if she's horny?
I'm turning into Jerry Seinfeld.
I notice things.
All right, so that's, we usually end the show with a thing we call the final video, which was recorded by a band called the Beastie Boys.
Okay.
So cops are monsters.
They shoot black people for sport.
They're all racist.
They have terrible training.
That's a big thing you hear.
Like Derek Chauvin.
Actually, I don't know how it's pronounced in America.
I'm from Quebec.
So when I see that spelling, I think Chauvin, but they probably call him Chauvin.
Just like Gouverneur, the prison where Max Hare is, is called governor.
But you got to understand, cops are trained to punch you in the face.
Punching someone in the face is a great reboot.
If someone's acting like a fucking asshole, nothing reboots your hard drive like a punch to the head.
So that's why they punch you in the face when they're putting your arms behind your back.
Also, the chauvin knee on the neck that you saw happen to George Floyd for eight minutes that caused God knows how many deaths.
And dude, there was just a death today, I believe.
Today or yesterday.
Did you know that the George Floyd area now has a chaz?
Yeah.
And a kid got shot in it.
A kid got shot and killed.
Yeah.
Police couldn't get a black kid.
They're trying to drag him out of the zone so that way he can get attention.
Well, yeah, because cops aren't allowed into chaz.
Floyd chaz.
Flaz, we'll call it.
So people die in this myth.
Defending the myth that innocent people are being killed.
The knee on the neck is part of police procedure.
It's a way to hold a perp down who's delirious and might be having a heart attack in ODing.
And it's a way, believe it or not, to get him to breathe.
Yeah, you heard me.
When you have a knee on the neck, you're keeping him flat and trying to help him breathe.
I know that sounds crazy, but that's the way it is.
And if you check the police manuals of Minneapolis, they show that particular move.
Because you have to understand, the guy's not coming from sitting at a desk talking to his friend.
He's coming from fighting the cops, having a heart attack, freaking out.
You're trying to subdue him till the ambulance comes.
That's what they were trying to do.
Unfortunately, he was ODing on fentanyl.
And that shuts your lungs down and you die, no matter what position you're put in.
Anyway, the truth of that case is if he's found innocent, no matter what the evidence, there's going to be riots in the streets.
So the judge is probably going to be a pussy and do what they did with Rodney King and just say, everyone's guilty.
Throw them in jail.
I don't want to get fired.
And so Chauvin will go to jail for doing the right thing.
Yeah, you heard me.
He didn't do anything wrong.
Derek Chauvin did nothing wrong.
And George Floyd Ode'd.
I'm sorry.
Anyway.
You know, he ate his drugs before, too.
There was another situation where he did that.
Yeah, he had a pile of fentanyl, by the way, is so potent that when the cops go to pick it up, they wear hazmat suits.
They're picking up plutonium as far as they're concerned.
But he ate a whole bunch of it.
And Anthony Shoe said he did it before, too.
It was on record that he had done that same eat the drugs move.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And he survived.
I just heard that.
Huh.
Because you can see him throw it in his mouth in the video.
But anyway.
Here's an angle you don't usually see about what cops have to deal with.
And we're very pro-cop on the show here.
And these are guys answering a call from a dude.
Look at that beautiful tile work.
I'm sorry to get lost in craftsmanship, but what a lost art that is.
Just perfect.
Literally perfect.
So they get a call from a guy, and this has volume, I hope.
Yep, it's up.
Is this a not safe for work deal?
This is not safe for work.
Well, no, I don't think so.
You don't see anyone like really with their lemon peeled back.
Okay.
Not getting it.
Can you hear it?
No.
Ah, shit.
Because there's a police, maybe they'll go do the police camp.
So this guy's, they answer.
Oh, you're not seeing anything here.
This sucks.
So they're move it over to the side so you can see me and it.
So they're answering a call and the guy's very friendly.
And they go, hey, how you doing?
He goes, yeah, man, just had to call you.
And then they go, okay, this seems safe.
They come up the stairs to see what's going on.
And he runs out and pulls a gun.
Boom, boom.
Like, go back.
Go fucking back.
these trigger these cops they keep saying they're trigger happy this is not how trigger happy can you be when this is your life Look at this.
One, 1,002, 1,003.
Boom.
Like, thank God the guy is shitty aim.
He's a stormtrooper, probably.
And he doesn't get that first guy in that fucking head.
Look at him.
Look at that.
How long, how much warning did they have?
This isn't a hostage situation.
This is a guy who is being super friendly.
Hey, man, I'm just making pizza.
And then I'm trying to kill you.
And by the way, I blame the media for this because the media has portrayed cops as vigilante fucking boba fetes who go and just kill people.
By the way, I'm watching The Mandalorian regularly with my youngest boy, so you're going to hear a lot of Star Wars references.
So in a strange way, I kind of get this guy.
Hold on.
Stop.
Wow.
I kind of get this guy because he's dumb and the media is telling him that cops are hunting black people all day.
You go, all right, well, I don't like that.
My dad is black.
My brother's black.
I want to shoot back.
So there's some culpability here from fucking CNN, Black Lives Matter, MSNBC.
They are responsible for this.
So here it is with volume.
Oh, officers!
Did you call?
Yeah, I gave you a call.
What's going on?
What's going on?
Wake up since an issue now?
What's going on?
What happened?
You guys are good to understand, man.
It's okay with your own stuff.
Make sure you guys are hurt.
You know the guys that I'm asking, that stupid shit, right?
You called?
Yo!
What's the gun?
Yeah, they have to say put the gun down.
Now, obviously, if he has a gun, he's there to kill them.
Thank God, no cops got shot there.
Did they get him?
I don't know.
What's going on?
I've been up sister.
I see you should come.
Anyway, folks, that is, was supposed to be a half-hour version of the show.
It ended up being 50 minutes.
That's what we do.
We do a bunch of segments.
There's also often interviews.
There's also often a green screen.
And I'm usually sober when I do this show.
So that's another difference with tonight.
But get fired, get in trouble.
Wait, wait, wait.
So I'm going to say the ending, and then we're going to cut to like a whatever screen, play some of the streets, and then we're going to come back and we're going to do that commercial thing.
And then we're going to take calls and do drawings.
Yes.
All right.
So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Shmurder is loose.
Perch for the fuse.
The chirping and cruny now.
The burden and blues.
The verses of music.
The dirty deedo.
Birken bag Gucci or dirty rank shoes.
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