All Episodes
Previous Next
March 11, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
49:01
GOML LIVE #89 | DRUNK AND LATE (Part 1)

Just because the host is drunk and late doesn't mean it's not going to be a great show. It is! We look at more killed cartoons, my pet Biden, Burger King, and the strange predominance of mixed race couples in commercials.

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
First in the room.
First in from noon.
Herbalist fumes.
Words me balloon.
Curse off the Zoom.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Who's got the bag?
Who's got the bag?
Food in the back pocket I'm here to boo Babylon Let's be having that boondocks back You have to do what you can You know, in boxing they say you gotta sometimes let someone get a beating 'cause they could have a comeback And as a homo, I say no.
Someone gets knocked down once, it's the end of the fight.
Throw in the towel.
Because I don't want these fighters getting brain damage.
But then other people go, who understand the sport better than me, go, no.
That's not what it's about, dude.
You ever seen Rocky?
You want to see the guy recover.
And Mike Skinner took a beating.
He was the top.
I think he did that song, um, When You're Famous, about how it's weird getting pussy when you're famous because it's so easy.
But then, when you meet a famous girl, it's just like when you wasn't famous, and that really pissed off people.
I don't understand why it made them so mad.
He was being honest.
His whole thing, Mike Skinner's whole thing was always being himself.
The streets, the band, was about being themselves.
I'm pluralizing the band and not calling it Mike Skinner because most Americans listening probably have no idea who the fuck I'm talking about.
And then he had some comebacks that sucked!
Sorry, they just didn't have that same Oomph that same je ne sais quoi that same irreverence and the thing about Mike Skinner is he was always thinking outside the box with a totally fresh take like he had that song A you want to know you B B C and he did like the A B C D E F G to Z And each line in the song was a different letter and it worked out fucking perfectly and you didn't realize you're listening to the alphabet.
That's how good he was.
And you know, you get older.
I mean, you've seen this show.
I've been doing this for 25 years.
You can tell that I'm getting old and weak and less funny than I was.
And then he comes out with this jam about recovering from COVID.
Everything's open again and you're going out and the first thing you say is, who's got the bag?
That's fucking great!
And that's a nod to the classic first album, right?
It is?
With that lighter?
That's always been his icon, shit lips.
And I just love the... I burned it up too soon.
I settled for a girl too early in the night.
I could have done better, maybe.
I burned it up too soon.
I settled for a girl too early in the night.
I could have done better, maybe.
Shit.
How am I going to get rid of her?
Birkin bag Gucci or Dirty Rack Sheep.
I always get along really well with that guy.
One time he came to my house and we were all hanging out.
I don't think we were doing heroin, but it's possible.
And uh...
This girl was there and these the two girls I didn't know there was wasn't that many people in my place it was my apartment on 9th Street in the East Village and there was maybe like eight people there and there's two girls I didn't know and they're just staring at him all night and then when they left they both gave him a Fully conscious of each other.
Their hotels and the room number.
Each individually handed them those separate notes.
That was his life back then.
I'm talking like 2003.
Crazy Life.
I have a fun idea for today's show.
It's complicated, though.
Are you ready for this, Ryan?
Yes.
So it's free 9 to 9.30, right?
It's a two-hour show.
Of course.
So from 9 to 9.30, I want to do a sort of mini Get Off My Lawn.
So these freeloaders get an idea of what it's like.
So we'll do all our segments, but we'll do one story per segment.
That's fun.
Right?
That brings us to 9.30.
Then from 9.30 to 10, I want to watch TV.
Pardon.
But just on in the background like a little bubble.
Mm-hmm.
And then I want to write down commercials who's male, who's female, who's mixed.
I forgot mixed race.
Because as an alcoholic I'm constantly sitting in bars and I'm seeing every single fucking commercial is a black woman and a white guy.
Now, John Kinsman, who's in jail for racism, is married to a black woman, Zenoa Kinsman, the proud boy who went to jail for four years.
But besides that, I don't really see it that much.
Yet commercials, it's like fucking 80%.
Now, I used to think kids' movies, this is an old theory, so it may have changed by now, but back in like 2015, 14.
I said, kids movies are all politically correct, they all have a message now.
And then I went through and listed all the top kids movies, and I actually noticed I was wrong.
And there was a lot of movies that were actually pro-capitalist, pro-free market, anti-government.
I mean, E.T.
is anti-government.
This wasn't that far back, but you get what I'm saying.
So, the reason I want to do the chart is it could be that I'm wrong.
That I see one black woman with a white guy, and I go, Stop saying that!
It doesn't happen that often.
And then I forget the other 8 out of 10 commercials that are like white on white, black on black.
So we'll see.
It's research.
So that's 930 to 10.
So let's power through this 9 to 930.
Where we're showing you what a typical two-hour episode is like, and we've been making them two hours, although Monday was three hours, which broke the machine.
So, Ryan, if you can get the sponsor's notes while I... Every show we have a book of the day, so we do the song of the day, and that was Mike Skinner's new hit, Who's Got the Bag?
Not that a 50-year-old man can do coke anymore, but we do remember our kooky days.
Isn't it weird when you focus these cameras and you see your beard and skin in a way you've never seen before and you realize, cameras are better than my eyes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not as far as color though.
If I'm looking at like a bug, I'll take out my camera and photograph the bug and look at the bug through my camera.
I did that the other day too, yeah.
What, you had a bug in your house?
No, we're trying to figure out, um, Jill and I were driving and there was some- Who's Jill?
Jill's, uh, my best lesbian friend.
Remember her?
Ryan's best friend is a girl.
My best lesbian- my best friend that is a girl.
There's two different categories.
You know that.
Anyway, this is my best friend.
My best female friend that is a girl, Leslie Arfand.
And I kind of wrote this book, to be honest.
I edited it.
And, uh, it's just her diary.
It was a column we had in Vice, and, uh, I've been doing a book a day, so inevitably we're gonna end up with, uh, books from way the fuck back.
Am I in the- any of these pics?
Is Chloe Sev- Chloe Sevigny's in there twice.
Where the fuck am I, you bitch?
This is back when we were really into design.
Look at this.
It has a magnetic cover that slams shut because it's a diary, right?
It's locked.
And this is about Leslie's life.
You know, a lower middle class Jewish girl on Long Island with a fucked up dad, dysfunctional dad.
She might not like me saying that, but fuck that guy, what a dork loser.
Not even a dork, a self-indulgent hippie boomer.
And, you know, when she was done the book, she goes, um, so what the fuck do I know?
You know, this is my diary.
I made a bunch of mistakes.
I corrected them, I hope.
And now I'm happily married with a kid, although I'm not sure she was when she finished this, but you get the idea.
And me and the editor from, uh, Simon & Schuster?
Is that who did this?
I think so.
We go, uh, Leslie, um, you can't fucking just say, whatever, who gives a shit?
This is powerhouse books.
Um, people are sitting down reading this book, carefully analyzing it, so they're looking up to you.
You're a teacher in this case.
You can't just say, I don't know, fuck it at the end.
And she goes, well, that's how I feel.
And I go, well, you gotta go, I don't know, go for a long walk, spend a few days thinking about what all this means, and come up with a summary at the end.
Now, spoiler alert, the summary is, it's good to make mistakes.
You'll figure out what's going on with life.
I made her this Frenemy timeline for the book, too, that shows when she liked this person and when they hated her and when they broke up.
But I'm noticing in the front here, wait a minute, David, I've always been secretly in love with you.
Sorry you had to find out this way.
I love you, Leslie.
P.S.
You made me write that.
So I think this was David Cross's autographed copy that I ended up with somehow.
I hope I didn't steal it.
The why of things.
Why did you steal that?
Alright, so.
Our newest sponsor, look, we're already fucking almost halfway through the show.
And we've barely, we've only just begun.
Tactical Walls, I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, Tactical Walls, to the Censored.TV family.
They made this, they made this beautiful statue of Ryan and I as war movie veterans.
I've always bragged that though I've never been in a war, I've seen a lot of war movies, sometimes stoned, and I believe I deserve some sort of recognition for that.
And since I've started saying that, I've noticed that vets have a pattern where they say to me, thank you for my service.
I don't mean they're thanking me for my service.
I mean, they literally say that verbatim.
Thank you for my service.
Tactical Walls is veteran owned and operated and Tactical Walls is designed to store and secure firearms, but really you can hide anything in there.
Guns, grandma's prescriptions, heels and sunglasses, whips and chains.
Hide it all with Tactical Walls.
We have our own shelf here in the studio that hides an emergency supply of Budweiser and Maker's Mark.
Right now, our loyal Censored.TV subscribers get 15% off all orders at Tactical Walls.
Just use promo code GAVIN15.
Support veteran-owned businesses who support us.
That is tacticalwalls.com, promo code GAVIN15.
Now, usually our promo codes are just GAVIN.
This is GAVIN15.
Thanks, Tactical Walls.
We like you more than a friend.
Now remember, we're hiding guns here.
These are legal guns you're hiding, and you're really hiding them from your kids, and from intruders.
So, if you don't get tactical walls, and this is me talking, not them, you're killing a child.
You're killing your own baby.
Okay?
So if you want to continue murdering children, that's fine.
Go bananas.
Wait, is this a handkerchief box that hides a gun?
Sure is.
Hey, I'm coming to kill you, bearded guy!
I'm gonna shoot you in the head.
I'm a home intruder.
You better stop reading that magazine, because I'm here to rape your wife and kill your family and take all your stuff.
And I know you don't have a gun, because all you have is a box of Kleenex and a magazine and some old flat Coca-Cola.
He doesn't seem worried.
Well, now I'm in.
He's deaf.
This is the thing about deaf home invasions.
They take a while.
Boom.
Boom.
And kaboom.
Shalow, you've got home defense.
Shalow, you've got a glock.
Okay, so let's start the show.
Now this is a condensed version of our show, so we're doing My Pet Biden.
This is a regular segment we have where we talk about my pet, Joe Biden.
My pet. Biden.
On him I can defend.
My pet. Biden.
A monster of a...
President.
Sleepy.
He's big and blue and sleepy.
But a friendly monster too.
My pet Biden.
Wait, that doesn't rhyme.
All right, so this is a funny episode of My Pet Biden because we usually show him bumbling and we adore the way he tries to speak English.
And he's so cute when he's trying to leave a room and he forgets his mask.
And what?
Where am I going?
Do you want me to answer questions, Nance?
I'll do whatever you tell me to.
That's cute.
But this is a special edition of My Pet Biden where we have My Pet Biden's pet.
What's his name?
I just want to thank you both.
Did I send the wrong fucking thing?
I did.
All right.
So you're seeing us make a huge embarrassing mistake.
Oh, no, no, no.
I know what's going on.
I changed my mind.
I was going to make this about a German shepherd who has a Twitter account.
But then I realized we're trying to show people a normal episode to get off my lawn.
So I hadn't consulted my attorney, me, before I did this.
And I went back to a normal example of my pet Biden.
So here is my pet Biden trying to remember the Secretary of State, who is Lloyd Austin.
Lloyd Austin is our first black Secretary, not of State, Secretary of Defense.
And he is a nerd.
He's an academic.
I don't think he's ever been in battle.
He went to West Point, he's got all these degrees.
He's not my cup of tea.
Fuck the police's boss, I don't like top brass.
And I think he's a top brass kind of guy.
But Biden elected him probably because he's black.
But he doesn't actually care about him, which is why he can't remember his fucking name.
There he is, Lloyd Austin.
All books, all academia, all elitism, no grit, no experience.
A bunch of fake medals.
He's basically North Korean.
And the great thing about this show is people will write in and go, dude, his fucking best friend's head was blown off in Afghanistan and he put it in an ice bucket and dragged them both back to base and it was sewn back on and he lived.
That's where the ice bucket challenge came from, dick.
There's a one in a thousand chance that I'm wrong, but my research shows this guy is a boring academic who hasn't really paid his dues.
But he's black, and he's up there, so Biden got him on board.
Unfortunately, Biden, just like we see Joe as our pet, liberals see blacks as their pet, and he has no idea who the fuck the guy is.
By the way, the Secretary of Defense, that's a big job.
Donald Rumsfeld did it twice, in 75 and 2001, I believe.
We've had some pretty important Secretary of Defenses.
It's a big gig!
Anyway, go ahead, Joe.
I just want to thank you both and I want to thank the former general.
I keep calling him general.
Mad Dog Mattis?
The guy who runs that outfit over there.
I want to make sure we thank the secretary.
He was a general.
I know that.
He's my guy who runs that whole thing over there.
He's the secretary.
That's it.
That's all he remembers.
Do you think Trump could forget Mad Dog Mattis?
Is that possible?
That's my guy that's some sort of a dog.
For all he's done to try to implement what we just talked about and for recommending... Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I want to thank my guy, he was a general, the secretary, whatever his name is, he runs that whole thing, and I want to thank him for all the stuff we just talked about.
He forgot the guy and the thing.
Is he the cutest pet president anyone's ever had?
I saw this video today online, I forget where it was, but it was a pug and she'd opened the cage for her pug, the little dog cage, and it was pacing back and forth in the cage, pissed off that it couldn't leave.
And she was looking going, oh Wilbur.
Because he didn't realize that all he has to do is turn left and he's no longer in a dog cage.
That's my pet Biden.
He's a monster of a friend.
And he has... Giving a pet pets is not going well.
Holy shit.
Is that him in the background?
Is that Lloyd Austin right behind him?
It is.
It looks like it, right?
It sure does.
I mean, how many other... How many other tall black men are there in the world?
Yeah.
He's got a specific type of head, too.
By the way, the thing I was going to show on this was Joe Biden's Sherman Shepard's Twitter account, where he's like, I'm pawfully sorry that I bit someone because he bit his security detail.
And it's a very cute little Twitter account where he says stuff in dog talk.
But I thought, wouldn't it be funny if the security detail died?
He got some horrible infection from the dog bite.
And the last message from the president was a tweet from his dog saying, I'm powerfully sorry that I bit you, but I was scared.
Anyway, that's my pet Biden.
Jesus, we're 20 minutes into the show.
We've barely done one thing.
Let's jump into racism.
Ready, Ryan?
That was racist, guys.
It's like one of our weirdest intros because it's Ryan's bizarre, like, late 90s graphic design talents with shit I told him to do.
And then he does these filters on things where he makes them washed out and orange.
Your graphic design sense isn't bad.
It's foreign.
Yeah.
You're a foreigner.
It's a cool thing.
I mean, that one does... It's a cool thing.
That one's weird.
But I like it.
It definitely doesn't... It sits weird in my portfolio.
No, it doesn't.
It goes along with your entire portfolio, which is fucked up.
Speaking of which, we need you to show allegiance to Johnny Apple CBD.
These guys have been with us since day one.
CBD works.
It's not a myth.
The hippies are correct.
You don't need the THC.
You don't need to get high.
You know what you need when you work out and your legs are in pain?
You need the topicals.
You need to rub it in.
Go to JACBD.com right now and show them the same support you show us.
Even if it's a small purchase.
Buy the gummies.
Get a tincture.
We put the tincture in our coffee and it totally takes the edge off.
Treat yourself, or as the guy who writes the ad copy for Get Off My Lawn, treat yo self.
He's a white guy from Chicago, but he respects Ebonics, apparently.
And they leak their way into our ad copy.
JACBD.com promo code Gavin.
Now remember, Tactical Walls is Gavin15.
JohnnyAppleCBD is just Gavin.
20% off all orders.
Thank you, JohnnyAppleCBD, for sticking with us through COVID.
God bless JohnnyAppleCBD.
God bless America.
Oh my god, we're down to the last five minutes of the free shit.
And we've barely touched our free show.
See, this is why I always describe our show as radio.
Because it's many hours and there's a lot of meandering.
Tucker Carlson is television.
Tucker Carlson is bonk, bonk, bonk, we're gonna hit all these points.
We have two minutes per point.
That's not who I am.
I'm not as good.
I like the freedom to meander.
Anyway, over the course of the week we've been analyzing all the cartoons that have been killed.
And it's amazing how hard it is to keep track.
So I thought I had a grip on it two days ago on our special episode called Killed Cartoons.
And what did we have on that episode?
We had Pepe Le Peur is done because he's a rapist.
Lola Bunny is done because she's hot.
And we don't want to make kids horny.
Speedy Gonzalez is done because he exemplifies the stereotype of a lazy, drunk Mexican.
And you go, but he's not a lazy, drunk Mexican.
He's zipping all over the place.
He's Speedy.
It's in the name, just like Antifa.
It's anti-fa.
But there is an episode, I guess, where his friend is a drunk Mexican?
Okay, what?
Um, and then we had the six Dr. Seuss books.
Which, within those six, there's about, um, twelve characters that are unacceptable.
Like Eskimo fish.
So you go, okay, we're done, right?
Not even close.
That's only four.
And Dr. Zeus is a weird category because it's like 10 within that one.
No, we now have Dumbo.
Now in Dumbo, there's those black crows.
They're like, what you talk about, Willis?
I like some fine foxy mamas.
My problem with that is, They weren't negative.
The crows weren't like human garbage, even though they were crows.
They weren't crow garbage.
And they were very amicable, weren't they?
Not that that should matter.
Right?
I don't remember the... You could have black villain crows who steal and cheat and stab people.
That's a segment of the black population.
You can have Scottish murderers.
Why couldn't if the Scottish is a great metric for all this shit.
Like what if there was Scottish crows that were drunks and wore tartan and head butted people.
Those are valid patterns you may have noticed of the Scots.
And I don't have a problem with that.
The big picture is here, what's the matter with negative stereotypes?
Aren't they voiced by blacks too?
And that's how they act.
That's how some acted.
They bust balls and they're like, ah, you don't look like this, you look like that.
And by the way, this is why our show can't be short, because we're talking about complicated nuance here.
This is a fight I had with Leslie Arfin very recently.
Because she's not racist, and I am, allegedly.
And I said to her, we were talking about stuff like this, like the crows, and I go, I get that that's, you know, stereotypical, but people are stereotypical.
A lot of Scots are drunk.
There's plenty of Scots who are teetotalers, but I went to Scotland every year as a kid, my parents are Scottish, I'm Scottish, I'm drunk right now!
That's why I was late for the show!
Because I was at a bar!
And she goes, well, look at long duck dong in 16 candles.
I mean, do you honestly think that wasn't racist?
And I go, yes, I honestly think that wasn't racist.
And she goes, you're blowing my mind here.
She goes, you haven't evolved since 2008.
She goes, there's a fucking gong every time you see him.
And by the way, God bless Leslie for at least being open to yell to a grumpy old man, an Archie Bunker.
Most people have just like severed the cord.
In fact, I'm guilty of saying just sever the cord.
But I go, yes, I'm aware of the gong with Long Duck Dong.
But so?
And then the argument is the perpetual foreigner argument, which, by the way, got the Aristocats killed.
He is a foreigner.
It's not in the notes, Ryan.
Just dig up Long Duck Dong.
Why aren't you looking that up, you stupid chink?
Well, because I thought it was going to be like a little hop and a skip.
That's what I'm saying about this show.
We can't do hop and skips.
Yeah.
Now, by the way, someone would take that stupid shank out of context.
It's obviously a hilarious joke where I'm talking about stereotyping Asians and then I make usually an anti-Asian epithet.
That's brilliant.
Yet in Max and John's appeal, they're the proud boys that are in prison, all they talked about was my racist hate speech.
Meanwhile, they're not getting the nuance of the quips.
But I get why we're all supposed to say this is racist, okay?
He's not cool.
That was me and Courtney Crowley at the prom.
That's you and every girlfriend you've ever gone out with.
- Let's go home.
- They're a kid. - Nobody's caught me yet.
- That was me and Courtney Crowley at the prom.
- That's you and every girlfriend you've ever gone out with.
- No, but this was a real giant.
- So, yes, it checks off all the boxes of racist, right?
But we should be able to go, okay, but why?
And again, the Scottish thing comes in handy.
What if there was a Scottish exchange student and he had a tartan tam and a kilt on and every time you saw him in the movie there was bagpipes and he had a Mickey He had a mickey of whiskey and he was chugging it and then he would have a red nose and he'd fall over backwards.
Is that racist?
Or are they just lampooning a pattern?
Like what is racism?
I would say racism is not just noticing a pattern but insisting it applies to every single person of that group.
Which none of these examples are doing.
All these examples are saying, here is one tiny, here's five people doing that thing that happens to be a stereotype.
And then the other fucking misnomer is this whole, see it to be it thing.
Where they go, I was young, I'm like a Japanese Puerto Rican and I never saw people like me on TV.
So?
Ben Carson is not a fucking brain surgeon because he saw a black brain surgeon on TV.
Wait, play that clip.
How is this different from Long Duck Dong?
We've got the paper down!
He's just pissed.
Dude, I remember that completely.
Everyone was yelling it.
We've got the paper down!
So maybe that's because you- I wasn't yelling, you misremembered it.
Yeah, because I hear you yelling with- I'm just like thinking everything Scottish people say is yelling.
It's amazing how many things you misremember.
Yeah.
I remembered it better, I think.
Right, yeah, we improve things.
There's a drunken piper who collapsed.
Who can I sue?
That's not really flattering, is it?
No, it's not flattering!
So is that the deal?
You can only show patterns if they're flattering?
No, well, they're white and you can't get away with that.
The thing is, like, people make fun of Southerners.
Like, you can show black people, you know, white man can't jump.
You can show black people doing awesome in sports and stuff and... Cool runnings.
Some cool jazz thing, cool runnings, whatever.
But if there's, like, a negative... That's really what racism is according to these new rules.
Even coming to America.
Anything that depicts a pattern that is negative.
The brand new coming to America.
How is that not a problem?
When they're talking like this.
Because he's rich.
Right?
And he doesn't eat the poo-poo.
They eat the poo-poo!
All over the place.
All over the place.
By the way, Ugandan homophobe.
They don't really eat the poo-poo.
In those pornos that you saw, they clean their asses with like bleach wipes and they have a bunch of enemas.
So they're licking pretty clean anal lips.
I would say we could ask Milo about that, but I don't even know anymore.
Milo's not gay anymore.
Milo.
Who's Milo?
Milo's not gay.
He's my Milo.
He's Milo.
Yes.
By the way, I'm mad at him.
Could he not have mentioned censored.tv while he made national news again?
We made South Park.
Proud Boys made South Park.
Oh really?
Yep.
I didn't know that.
Pretty fun.
Oh, there we go.
South Park, Proud Boys, and then they have just, you know, P with the laurel.
Keith sent this to me.
That's cool.
We made it.
Apparently Enrique is already making those hats.
And, uh, are those zits?
Yeah, or meth marks.
He's got a, they got Hawaiian shirts.
We're not boogaloo boys.
This guy's got a pirate hat on.
I don't, I haven't seen that.
Okay.
And then they got, you know, this guy.
Q. The, yeah.
Whoever the fuck Q is.
So, um, I blew it.
My goal was to do a mini show in half an hour.
I'm not even close to done.
Two segments.
My pet Biden and racism.
But let's just finish this.
Let's just make it a long free episode.
Aristocats.
So Aristocats is gone because they have the Siamese.
We are Siamese if you please.
They have the Siamese cats in there and they have chinky eyes and big teeth.
That's the perpetual foreigner thing.
The perpetual foreigner thing applies if they're not foreigners.
When I was a kid and I saw these Chinese cats playing, I just assumed that they were newly here.
Just like Mike Myers as Scott.
So that's insane.
And then the other one was, get this, um, the pirates are negatively portrayed in, what was it?
Peter Pan.
What?
Yes, pirates are bad.
Their fucking flag, oh there, you just showed it, right, that was it.
Their fucking flag is a skull and crossbones.
That's bad.
The reason we have the Marines is because Muslim pirates were kidnapping our women and turning them into sex slaves.
I mean they're villains.
How is that negative to point out?
And they're not sensitive either.
They were rapists, sodomites.
Yeah.
And they fucking killed people.
They don't like cartoons.
They're not going to be offended by this.
If you can't make pirates villains who they would ride up next to your boat.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with everything in the world.
I'm turning into John Mulaney, you know, as in everything in the world, you know, those pirates with their socks, you know, rapists.
Um.
And look, pirates were Middle Eastern.
They were Arabs, basically.
But in this, they make them white as a bunch of Englishmen, and that's still not acceptable.
That's not good enough.
So pirates are portrayed negatively in Swiss Family Robinson and Peter Pan, so that's gone.
Oh no, sorry, Peter Pan, the problem with Peter Pan was Redskins.
Indians are called Redskins.
Which is fucking wrong.
Like I've made three redskins from scratch.
It's a ridiculous thing to be offended by.
And I think there's a good argument that they did have redskin.
The thing about Indians is, and this is a fault of ours, They had developed brown fat and Wim Hof in the book, That Which Does Not Kill Us, explains that human beings are capable of developing brown fat where we are better at withstanding the cold.
We somehow pussied out.
We used to have this ability back when we were, you know, Vikings and surviving the Siberian winters.
We developed this skill too.
The Indians lost it much later than us.
So they would be able to withstand, like, say, 20 degrees with no shirt on.
We would be freezing our asses off with that.
And I would imagine if you are wearing no shirt in 20 degrees, even if you're warm, your skin's gonna be pretty red.
There's a lot of circulation going on here.
So my personal theory is that Redskins got the name because they were red because they were scantily clad in cold weather, which they could handle.
Anyway, it's not a fucking insult, and it's insane that these people are all banned.
All right, that's gonna be, I guess, the end of the usual segments we have.
I had Antifa, I had feminism, but towards the end of every show, we go and do the mailbag, where we read letters from viewers.
So let's try that.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Okay.
I have to go pee very bad.
Um, Ryan, can you read the first, uh, letter here?
Yes.
It's from a guy named... Brendan?
Brendan, and he talks about Long Duck Dong.
Oh, it's a little video.
My name is Phuc Long, and today we're talking about a salty fin.
Some people out there want to take all your money, kick your duck, do the booty infiltrate.
Some people say, you pee your pan, do the throw up, and you make them not horny anymore, and they go away.
But I don't want the Phuc Long inside the Phuc Long.
Some people use the pepper spray, but not the 100% reliability.
What's up?
At the Five Power United... Should I just show the video or talk?
So that is a video of a guy making fun of Chinese people, and from personal experience, using personal experience here, my Korean boss was very racist towards Japanese and Chinese.
Wait, I just said, if it's boring, interject.
Oh, I didn't hear what you said, and I said should I?
I know, but you should just know that instinctually, we're trying to entertain people here.
I don't think it's boring.
It's only a minute.
No, that's not relevant.
And there's a punchline.
It seems like this is a comedy bit that's a minute, so if I would step on a punchline, then it would take away the possibility of it being funny.
You know what I mean?
Okay, so what's his joke?
Um, he's being loaned a dog and he's like, take it from, you know, people trying to rape you in the booty so you can throw a pepper spray at them.
But that doesn't work.
Some people use a pepper spray.
But not the 100% reliability.
At the Firepower United, we had a new... That Chinese guy does not do a very good Chinese accent.
I'm not gonna smash the subscribe.
No, that's not fire or hot.
He could totally buzz off.
But again, I understand Why you sound good when you say that long duck dong is a racist stereotype.
I understand you sound sane, and the way we've all been conditioned, box is checked off.
It's a Chinese stereotype, there's a gong, all that.
But let's go a layer deeper and show me, like in a court of law, why that is racist.
And you can't really do it.
And that's the problem with all of these fucking banned cartoons.
Alright.
Hey Arnold, Budsdrinker, and Inselvester Stallone.
I remember you talking about pedos and saying that there's a difference between a 50-year-old man with a 13-year-old girl.
I don't think I said that much of a gap.
And an 18-year-old boy with a 15-year-old girl.
Now there is literally an episode on Have a Seat with Chris Hansen like that with a nervous 18-year-old virgin boy trying to meet up with a 15-year-old girl, which we don't advocate!
But it's no guy my age with a girl underage.
It's hard to watch.
They literally ruined the poor kid's life.
And the sheriff from the department they're doing these sting operations with is interviewed by Chris Hansen and calling the poor kid sick and depraved and this and that.
The fucking guy is portrayed in the first episode as a hero as he is marching with Black Lives Matter and being a complete treacherous little cuck.
Fuck the police, his boss.
I'm not saying you should watch the episode right now.
Though it's pretty crazy to hear the boy cry, but it's more in the comments.
They're fucking gold.
And the dislikes on the video just show you how the majority don't have a fucking problem with a high school senior going out with a sophomore.
Now, I went to prom... I think my girlfriend in high school was 15 when I was 18.
I was maybe 17.
But I think I did this.
I'm here... I hear my confession.
Yeah, I had one like that too.
We didn't... I think when I was 17, I think I dated a 15 year old.
Which was like two grades lower.
Yeah.
She was in 9th grade, I was in 11th grade.
Mine was like that too.
And there wasn't any weirdness to it.
No, it was a little weird.
Oh really?
Yeah.
We had like two years apart.
We didn't, we were like, I'll just wait.
We waited to do things.
Yeah, I think we waited too, but we were dating early.
But anyway, let's see this.
You got him!
Get the pedophiles off the streets.
If they would dare...
Wouldn't you love to see this Chris Hansen in London with Pakistanis?
Wouldn't that be the end of his career?
No, he would be the beginning.
Grooming all these British girls.
You know, no matter how many times I do this, you still... Wonder if this one... Wonder if this was a fucked up thing to do to an 18 year old.
I have a hard go with somebody who's on the young side, even though legally they're an adult.
So you have to hope in this case that Sean does learn a lesson.
It would seem that he'd be a candidate for probation.
And if he can stay out of trouble and learn something from this, go to college.
Anyway, shut up, Chris.
We don't want to be known as the... We're showing you this...
Microcosm of our show, and I don't want you to think that we regularly defend sex with 14-year-old girls.
What's up with all the cartoons and why can't you just fuck kids?
What's the matter with fucking a 14-year-old?
Once again, on today's show, we delve into the times it's okay to fuck a 14-year-old.
And they're canceling the cartoons.
What else are they going to watch when they bring us... I mean, what's next?
First of all, Pepe Le Pew's bad and now fucking a 14-year-old's bad?
What if she's horny?
I'm turning into Jerry Seinfeld.
Yeah.
I notice things!
Alright, so that's, we usually end the show with a thing we call the final video, which was recorded by a band called the Beastie Boys.
Hmm.
True.
Okay.
So, cops are monsters.
They shoot black people for sport.
They're all racist.
They have terrible training.
That's a big thing you hear.
Like Derek Chauvin.
Actually, I don't know how it's pronounced in America.
I'm from Quebec, so when I see that spelling, I think Chauvin.
But they probably call him Chauvin.
Just like Gouverneur.
The prison where Max Hare is is called Governor.
Um, but you gotta understand, cops are trained to punch you in the face.
Punching someone in the face is a great reboot.
If someone's acting like a fucking asshole, nothing reboots your hard drive like a punch to the head.
So that's why they punch you in the face when they're putting your arms behind your back.
Also, the Chauvin knee on the neck that you saw happen to George Floyd for eight minutes that caused God knows how many deaths.
Dude, there was just a death today, I believe.
Today or yesterday.
Did you know that the George Floyd area now has a CHAZ?
Yeah, and a kid got shot in it.
A kid got shot and killed there.
Yeah, the police couldn't get in there.
A black kid.
They're trying to drag him out of the zone so that way he can get attention.
Well, yeah, because cops aren't allowed into CHAZ.
Floyd CHAZ.
FLAZ, we'll call it.
So, people die in this myth, defending the myth that innocent people are being killed.
The knee on the neck is part of police procedure.
It's a way to hold a perp down who's delirious and might be having a heart attack and ODing.
And it's a way, believe it or not, to get him to breathe.
Yeah, you heard me.
When you have a knee on the neck, you're keeping him flat and trying to help him breathe.
I know that sounds crazy, but that's the way it is.
And if you check the police manuals of Minneapolis, they show that particular move.
Because you have to understand, the guy's not coming from sitting at a desk talking to his friend.
He's coming from fighting the cops, having a heart attack, freaking out.
You're trying to subdue him till the ambulance comes.
That's what they were trying to do.
Unfortunately, he was OD'ing on Fentanyl.
And that shuts your lungs down and you die no matter what position you're put in.
Anyway, the truth of that case is if he's found innocent, no matter what the evidence, there's going to be riots in the streets.
So the judge is probably going to be a pussy and do what they did with Rodney King and just say, uh, everyone's guilty.
Throw them in jail.
I don't want to get fired.
And so Chauvin will go to jail for doing the right thing.
Yeah, you heard me.
He didn't do anything wrong.
Derek Chauvin did nothing wrong.
And George Floyd OD'd.
I'm sorry.
Anyway.
You know, he ate his drugs before too.
There was another situation where he did that.
Yeah, he had a pile of... Fentanyl, by the way, is so potent that when the cops go to pick it up, they wear hazmat suits.
They're picking up plutonium, as far as they're concerned.
But he ate a whole bunch of it.
On Anthony's show, he said he did it before, too.
It was on record that he had done that same eat-the-drugs move.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And he survived.
I just heard that.
Huh.
Because you can see him throw it in his mouth in the video.
But anyway, here's an angle You don't usually see about what cops have to deal with, and we're very pro-cop on the show here.
And these are guys answering a call from a dude.
Look at that beautiful tile work.
I'm sorry to get lost in craftsmanship, but what a lost art that is.
Just perfect, literally perfect.
So they get a call from a guy, and this has volume I hope.
Yep, it's up.
Is this a not safe for work deal?
Uh, this is not safe for work.
Well, no, I don't think so.
You don't see anyone, like, really with their lemon peeled back.
Okay.
Not getting involved.
Can you hear it?
No.
Ah, shit.
Because there's a police, maybe they'll go do the police cam.
So this guy's...
They answer, oh you're not seeing anything here, this sucks.
So they're, move it over to the side so you can see me, and it.
So they're answering a call, and the guy's very friendly.
And they go, hey, how you doing?
He goes, yeah man, just had to call you.
And they go, okay, this seems safe.
They come up the stairs to see what's going on, and he runs out and pulls a gun, boom, boom.
Like, go back, go fucking back.
These trigger, these cops, they keep saying they're trigger happy.
This is not, how trigger happy can you be when this is your life?
Look at this, one, 1,002, 1,003, boom!
Like, thank God the guy has shitty aim.
He's a stormtrooper, probably.
And he doesn't get that first guy in that fucking head.
Look at him.
Look at that.
How long, how much warning did they have?
This isn't a hostage situation.
This is a guy who is being super friendly.
Hey man, I'm just making pizza.
And then I'm trying to kill you.
And by the way, I blame the media for this, because the media has portrayed cops as vigilante fucking Boba Fetts who go and just kill people.
By the way, I'm watching The Mandalorian regularly with my youngest boy, so you're going to hear a lot of Star Wars references.
So in a strange way, I kind of get this guy.
Hold on.
Stop.
Wow.
I kind of get this guy because he's dumb and the media is telling him that cops are hunting black people all day.
That was too much of indecence.
You go, all right, well, I don't like that.
My dad is black.
My brother's black.
I want to shoot back.
So there's some culpability here from fucking CNN, Black Lives Matter, MSNBC.
They are responsible for this.
So here it is with volume.
Oh, officers!
What's going on?
Did you call?
Yeah, I gave you a call.
What's going on?
Um... What's up with all of you motherfuckers, man?
What you got goin' on?
Oh, wake up, it's an issue now?
What's going on?
Wake up, it's an issue, bro!
Listen, if you come in here... You got some issues now, man.
Be sure you got your guard on.
You know the guys man, I'm asking all that stupid shit, right?
You called?
Huh?
Did you call?
Oh, yo, yo, put the gun down!
Yeah, they have to say, put the gun down.
Wow.
Now, obviously, if he has a gun, he's there to kill them.
Thank God no cops got shot there.
Did they get him?
I don't know.
I hope so.
Anyway, folks, that is what's supposed to be a half hour version of the show.
It ended up being 50 minutes.
That's what we do.
We do a bunch of segments.
There's also often interviews.
There's also often a green screen.
And I'm usually sober when I do this show.
So that's another difference with tonight.
But get fired.
Get in trouble.
Wait, wait, wait.
So I'm going to say the ending and then we're going to cut to like a whatever screen, play some of the streets and then we're going to come back and we're going to do that commercial thing and then we're going to take calls and do drawings.
Yes.
▲
Export Selection