Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool

All Episodes

Previous Next

March 11, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

02:00:46

GOML LIVE #89 - DRUNK AND LATE

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	First in the room, bursting from noon, herbalist view, words me balloon, curts off the zoo, live from New York, get off my lawn with Devin McGuinness.
	Who's got the bag?
	Who's got the bag?
	Food in the back pocket.
	I'm here to move Avalon.
	Let's be having their boondocks back.
	You have to do what you can.
	You know, in boxing they say you got to sometimes let someone get a beating because they could have a comeback.
	And as a homo, I say, no.
	If someone gets knocked down once, it's the end of the fight.
	Throw in the towel.
	Because I don't want these fighters getting brain damage.
	But then other people go who understand the sport better than me go, no.
	That's not what it's about, dude.
	You ever seen Rocky?
	You want to see the guy recover?
	And Mike Skinner took a beating.
	He was the top.
	I think he did that song, When You're Famous, about how it's weird getting pussy when you're famous because it's so easy.
	But then when you meet a famous girl, it's just like when you wasn't famous.
	And that really pissed off people.
	I don't understand why it made them so mad.
	He was being honest.
	His whole thing, Mike Skinner's whole thing was always being himself.
	The streets, the band was about being themselves.
	I'm pluralizing the band and not calling it Mike Skinner because most Americans listening probably have no idea who the fuck I'm talking about.
	And then he had some comebacks that sucked.
	Sorry, they just didn't have that same oomph, that same jequ, that same irreverence.
	And the thing about Mike Skinner is he was always thinking outside the box with a totally fresh take.
	Like he had that song, A, You Want to Know You B, B, C. And he did like the A, B, C, D, E, F, G to Z. And each line in the song was a different letter.
	And it worked out fucking perfectly.
	And you didn't realize you're listening to the alphabet.
	That's how good he was.
	And you know, you get older.
	I mean, you've seen this show.
	I've been doing this for 25 years.
	You can tell that I'm getting old and weak and less funny than I was.
	And then he comes out with this jam about recovering from COVID.
	Everything's open again.
	And you're going out.
	And the first thing you say is, who's got the bag?
	That's fucking great.
	And that's a nod to the classic first album, right?
	It is?
	With that lighter?
	That's always been his icon.
	And I just love the bam, bam, bam.
	I burn it up too soon.
	I settled for a girl too early in the night.
	I could have done better, maybe.
	Shit.
	How am I going to get rid of her?
	They always come along really well with that guy.
	One time he came to my house, and we were all hanging out.
	I don't think we were doing heroin, but it's possible.
	And this girl was there, and the two girls I didn't know, there wasn't that many people at my place.
	It was my apartment on 9th Street in the East Village, and there was maybe like eight people there.
	And there's two girls I didn't know, and they were just staring at him all night.
	And then when they left, they both gave him, fully conscious of each other, their hotels and the room number.
	They handed, each individually handed him those separate notes.
	That was his life back then.
	I'm talking like 2003.
	Crazy life.
	I have a fun idea for today's show.
	It's complicated, though.
	Are you ready for this, Ryan?
	Yes.
	So it's free 9 to 9.30, right?
	It's a two-hour show.
	Of course.
	So from 9 to 9.30, I want to do a sort of mini get off my lawn.
	So these freeloaders get an idea of what it's like.
	So we'll do all our segments, but we'll do one story per segment.
	That's fun.
	Right?
	That brings us to 9.30.
	Then from 9.30 to 10, I want to watch TV.
	Pardon.
	But just on in the background, like a little bubble.
	And then I want to write down commercials, who's male, who's female, who's mixed.
	I forgot mixed race.
	Because as an alcoholic, I'm constantly sitting in bars and I'm seeing every single fucking commercial is a black woman and a white guy.
	Now, John Kinsman, who's in jail for racism, is married to a black woman, Zanoa Kinsman, the proud boy who went to jail for four years.
	But besides that, I don't really see it that much.
	Yet, commercials, it's like fucking 80%.
	Now, I used to think kids' movies, this is an old theory, so it may have changed by now.
	But back in like 2015, 14, I said kids' movies are all politically correct.
	They all have a message now.
	And then I went through and listed all the top kids' movies, and I actually noticed I was wrong.
	And there was a lot of movies that were actually pro-capitalist, pro-free market, anti-government.
	I mean, ET is anti-government.
	This wasn't that far back, but you get what I'm saying.
	So the reason I want to do the chart is it could be that I'm wrong, that I see one black woman with a white guy, and I go, stop saying that.
	It doesn't happen that often.
	And then I forget the other eight out of 10 commercials that are like white on white, black on black.
	So we'll see.
	It's research.
	So that's 9.30 to 10.
	So let's power through this 9 to 9.30 where we're showing you what a typical two-hour episode is like.
	And we've been making them two hours, although Monday was three hours, which broke the machine.
	So Ryan, if you can get the sponsor's notes while I, every show we have a book of the day, so we do the song of the day, and that was Mike Skinner's new hit, Who's got the bag?
	Not that a 50-year-old man can do Coke anymore, but we do remember our kooky days.
	Isn't it weird when you focus these cameras and you see your beard and skin in a way you've never seen before and you realize, cameras are better than my eyes.
	Yeah.
	As far as color, though, colorful?
	If I'm looking at like a bug, I'll take out my camera and photograph the bug and then look at the bug for me.
	I did that the other day too, yeah.
	What, you had a bug in your house?
	No, we're trying to figure out Jill and I were driving and there was some.
	Jill.
	Jill's my best lesbian friend.
	Remember her?
	Ryan's best friend is a girl.
	My best friend that is a girl.
	There's two different categories.
	You know that.
	Anyway, this is my best friend.
	My best female friend that is a girl, Leslie Arfin.
	And I kind of wrote this book, to be honest.
	I edited it.
	And it's just her diary.
	It was a column we had in Vice.
	And I've been doing a book a day.
	So inevitably, we're going to end up with books from way the fuck back.
	Am I in any of these pics?
	Is Chloe 70s in there twice?
	Where the fuck am I, you bitch?
	This is back when we were really into design.
	Look at this.
	It has a magnetic cover that slams shut because it's a diary, right?
	It's locked.
	And this is about Leslie's life.
	You know, a lower middle class Jewish girl on Long Island with a fucked up dad, dysfunctional dad.
	She might not like me saying that, but fuck that guy.
	What a dork loser.
	Not even a dork, a self-indulgent hippie boomer.
	And, you know, when she was done the book, she goes, so what the fuck do I know?
	You know, this is my diary.
	I made a bunch of mistakes.
	I corrected them, I hope.
	And now I'm happily married with a kid, although I'm not sure she was when she finished this, but you get the idea.
	And me and the editor from Simon and Schuster, is that who did this?
	I think so.
	We go, Leslie, you can't fucking just say, whatever, who gives a shit?
	This is powerhouse books.
	People are sitting down reading this book carefully, analyzing it.
	So they're looking up to you.
	You're a teacher in this case.
	You can't just say, I don't know, fuck it at the end.
	And she goes, well, that's how I feel.
	And I go, well, you got to go, I don't know, go for a long walk, spend a few days thinking about what all this means and come up with a summary at the end.
	Now, spoiler alert, the summary is, it's good to make mistakes.
	You'll figure out what's going on with life.
	I made her this frenemy timeline for the book, too, that shows when she liked this person and when they hated her and when they broke up.
	But I'm noticing in the front here, wait a minute.
	David, I've always been secretly in love with you.
	Sorry, you had to find out this way.
	I love Lou.
	I love you, Leslie.
	P.S. You made me write that.
	So I think this was David Cross's autograph copy that I ended up with somehow.
	I hope I didn't steal it.
	The why of things.
	Why did you steal that?
	All right.
	So our newest sponsor, Tactical.
	Look, we're already fucking almost halfway through the show.
	And we've only just begun.
	Tactical Walls.
	I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, Tactical Walls, to the Censor.tv family.
	They made this beautiful statue of Ryan and I as war movie veterans.
	I've always bragged that though I've never been in a war, I've seen a lot of war movies, sometimes stoned, and I believe I deserve some sort of recognition for that.
	And since I've started saying that, I've noticed that vets have a pattern where they say to me, thank you for my service.
	I don't mean they're thanking me for my service.
	I mean they literally say that verbatim.
	Thank you for my service.
	Tactical Walls is veteran-owned and operated, and Tactical Walls is designed to store and secure firearms, but really you can hide anything in there.
	Guns, grandma's prescriptions, heels and sunglasses, whips and chains.
	Hide it all with Tactical Walls.
	We have our own shelf here in the studio that hides an emergency supply of Budweiser and Makersmark.
	Right now, our loyalcensor.tv subscribers get 15% off all orders at Tactical Walls.
	Just use promo code Gavin15.
	Support veteran-owned businesses who support us.
	That is tacticalwalls.com, promo code Gavin15.
	Now, usually our promo codes are just Gavin.
	This is Gavin15.
	Thanks, Tactical Walls.
	We like you more than a friend.
	Now, remember, we're hiding guns here.
	These are legal guns you're hiding, and you're really hiding them from your kids and from intruders.
	So if you don't get Tactical Walls, and this is me talking, not them, you're killing a child.
	You're killing your own baby.
	Okay?
	So if you want to continue murdering children, that's fine.
	Go bananas.
	Wait, is this a handkerchief box that hides a gun?
	Sure is.
	Hey, I'm coming to kill you, bearded guy.
	I'm going to shoot you in the head.
	I'm a home intruder.
	You better stop reading that magazine because I'm here to rape your wife and kill your family and take all your stuff.
	And I know you don't have a gun because all you have is a box of Kleenex and a magazine and some old flat Coca-Cola.
	He doesn't seem worried.
	Well, now I'm in.
	He's deaf.
	This is the thing about deaf home invasions.
	They take a while.
	Boom.
	Boom.
	And kaboom.
	Chillo, you've got home defense.
	Chillo, you got a glock.
	Okay, so let's start the show.
	Now, this is a condensed version of our show.
	So we're doing My Pet Biden.
	This is a regular segment we have where we talk about My Pet, Joe Biden.
	Biden.
	Biden.
	Sleepy.
	My pet Biden.
	Wait, what?
	That doesn't rhyme.
	Alright, so this is a funny episode of My Pet Biden because we usually show him bumbling and we adore the way he tries to speak English.
	And he's so cute when he's trying to leave a room and he forgets his mask.
	And what?
	Where am I going?
	Am I. Do you want me to answer questions, Nance?
	I'll do whatever you tell me to.
	That's cute.
	But this is a special edition of My Pet Biden where we have My Pet Biden's pet.
	What's his name?
	Wolf.
	I just want to thank you both.
	I want to know.
	Did I send the wrong fucking thing?
	I did.
	All right.
	So you're seeing us make a huge embarrassing mistake.
	Oh, no, no, no.
	I know what's going on.
	I changed my mind.
	I was going to make this about his German Shepherd who has a Twitter account, but then I realized we're trying to show people a normal episode to get off my lawn.
	So I hadn't consulted my attorney, me, before I did this, and I went back to a normal example of my pet Biden.
	So here is my pet Biden trying to remember the Secretary of State, who is Lloyd Austin.
	Lloyd Austin is our first black Secretary, not of state, Secretary of Defense.
	And he is a nerd.
	He's an academic.
	I don't think he's ever been in battle.
	He went to West Point.
	He's got all these degrees.
	He's not my cup of tea.
	Fuck the police, his boss.
	I don't like top brass.
	And I think he's a top brass kind of guy.
	But Biden elected him probably because he's black.
	But he doesn't actually care about him, which is why he can't remember his fucking name.
	There he is, Lloyd Austin.
	All books, all academia, all elitism, no grit, no experience, a bunch of fake medals.
	He's basically North Korean.
	And the great thing about this show is people will write in and go, dude, his fucking best friend's head was blown off in Afghanistan.
	And he put it in an ice bucket and dragged them both back to base.
	And it was sewn back on.
	And he lived.
	That's where the ice bucket challenge came from, Dick.
	There's a one in a thousand chance that I'm wrong.
	But my research shows this guy is a boring academic who hasn't really paid his dues.
	But he's black and he's up there.
	So Biden got him on board.
	Unfortunately, Biden, just like we see Joe as our pet, liberals see blacks as their pet and he has no idea who the fuck the guy is.
	By the way, the Secretary of Defense, that's a big job.
	Donald Rumsfeld did it twice in 75 and 2001, I believe.
	We've had some pretty important Secretary of Defenses.
	It's a big gig.
	Anyway, go ahead, Joe.
	I just want to thank you both, and I want to thank the former general.
	I keep calling him general.
	Mad Dog Mattis?
	The guy who runs that outfit over there.
	I want to make sure we thank you.
	Stop the secretary.
	He was a general.
	I know that.
	He's my guy who runs that whole thing over there.
	He's the secretary.
	That's it.
	That's all he remembers.
	Do you think Trump could forget Mad Dog Mattis?
	Is that possible?
	That's my guy, some sort of a dog for all he's done to try to implement what we've just talked about and for recommending.
	Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
	I want to thank my guy.
	He was a general, the secretary, whatever his name is.
	He runs that whole thing.
	And I want to thank him for all the stuff we just talked about.
	He forgot the guy and the thing.
	Is he the cutest pet president anyone's ever had?
	I saw this video today online.
	I forget where it was, but it was a pug.
	And she'd opened the cage for her pug, the little dog cage, and it was pacing back and forth in the cage, pissed off that it couldn't leave.
	And she was looking going, oh, Wilbur, because he didn't realize it.
	All he has to do is turn left, and he's no longer in a dog cage.
	That's my pet Biden.
	He's a monster of a friend.
	And he has...
	Giving a pet pets is not going well.
	Holy shit.
	Is that him in the background?
	Is that Lloyd Austin right behind him?
	It is.
	It looks like it, right?
	It sure does.
	I mean, how many other tall black men are there in the world?
	Yeah.
	He's got a specific type of head, too.
	Lloyd Austin.
	By the way, the thing I was going to show on this was Joe Biden's Sherman Shepherd's Twitter account where he's like, I'm pawfully sawy that I bit someone because he bit his security detail.
	And it's a very cute little Twitter account where he says stuff in dog talk.
	But I thought, wouldn't it be funny if the security detail died?
	He got some horrible infection from the dog bite.
	And the last message from the president was a tweet from his dog saying, I'm awfully sorry that I bit you, but I was scared.
	Anyway, that's my pet Biden.
	Jesus, we're 20 minutes into the show.
	We've barely done one thing.
	Let's jump into racism.
	Ready, Ryan?
	Talk about racism.
	That was racist, guys.
	It's like one of our weirdest intros because it's Ryan's bizarre, like late 90s graphic design talents with shit I told him to do.
	And then he does these filters on things where he makes them washed out in orange.
	Your graphic design sense isn't bad.
	It's foreign.
	Yeah.
	You're a foreigner.
	I got some cool things.
	I mean, that one.
	That's a cool thing.
	That one's weird, but I like it.
	It definitely doesn't.
	It sits weird in my portfolio.
	No, it doesn't.
	It goes along with your entire portfolio, which is fucked up.
	Speaking of which, we need you to show allegiance to Johnny Apple CBD.
	These guys have been with us since day one.
	CBD works.
	It's not a myth.
	The hippies are correct.
	You don't need the THC.
	You don't need to get high.
	You know what you need when you work out and your legs are in pain?
	You need the topicals.
	You need to rub it in.
	Go to jacbd.com right now and show them the same support you show us.
	Even if it's a small purchase, buy the gummies.
	Get a tincture.
	We put the tincture in our coffee and it totally takes the edge off.
	Treat yourself or as the guy who writes the ad copy for Get Off My Lawn, treat yourself.
	He's a white guy from Chicago, but he respects Ebonics, apparently.
	And they leak their way into our ad copy.
	JACBD.com promo code Gavin.
	Now remember, Tactical Walls is Gavin 15.
	Johnny Apple CBD is just Gavin.
	20% off all orders.
	Thank you, Johnny Apple CBD, for sticking with us through COVID.
	God bless Johnny Apple CBD.
	God bless America.
	Oh my God, we're down to the last five minutes of the free shit.
	And we've barely touched our free show.
	See, this is why I always describe our show as radio.
	Because it's many hours and there's a lot of meandering.
	Tucker Carlson is television.
	Tucker Carlson is bonk, bonk, bonk.
	We're going to hit all these points.
	We have two minutes per point.
	That's not who I am.
	I'm not as good.
	I like the freedom to meander.
	Anyway, over the course of the week, we've been analyzing all the cartoons that have been killed.
	And it's amazing how hard it is to keep track.
	So I thought I had a grip on it two days ago on our special episode called Killed Cartoons.
	And what do we have on that episode?
	We had Pepe Le Pure is done because he's a rapist.
	Lola Bunny is done because she's hot.
	And we don't want to make kids corny.
	Speedy Gonzalez is done because he exemplifies the stereotype of a lazy drunk Mexican.
	And you go, but he's not a lazy drunk Mexican.
	He's zipping all over the place.
	He's speedy.
	It's in the name, just like Antifa.
	It's anti-fat.
	But there is an episode, I guess, where his friend is a drunk Mexican.
	Okay, well that.
	And then we had the six Dr. Zeus books, which within those six, there's about 12 characters that are unacceptable, like Eskimo fish.
	So you go, okay, we're done, right?
	Not even close.
	That's only four.
	And Dr. Zeus is a weird category because it's like 10 within that one.
	No, we now have Dumbo.
	Now, in Dumbo, there's those black crows.
	They're like, what you talk about, Willis?
	I like some fine foxy mamas.
	My problem with that is they weren't negative.
	The crows weren't like human garbage, even though they were crows.
	They weren't crow garbage.
	And they were very amicable, weren't they?
	Not that that should matter, right?
	I don't remember the...
	You could have black villain crows who steal and cheat and stab people.
	That's a segment of the black population.
	You can have Scottish murderers.
	Why couldn't if the Scottish is a great metric for all this shit?
	Like, what if there was Scottish crows that were drunks and wore tartan and head-butted people?
	Those are valid patterns you may have noticed of the Scots.
	And I don't have a problem with that.
	Well, I see a horse fly.
	The big picture is here.
	What's the matter with negative stereotypes?
	But aren't they voiced by blacks too?
	And that's how they act.
	So that's how some acted.
	They bust balls and they're like, ah, you don't look like this.
	You look like that.
	But I've been seen about anything.
	Well, this goes back to, and by the way, this is why our show can't be short, because we're talking about complicated nuance here.
	This is a fight I had with Leslie Arfin very recently because she's not racist.
	And I am, allegedly.
	And I said to her, we're talking about stuff like this, like the crows.
	And I go, I get that that's, you know, stereotypical, but people are stereotypical.
	A lot of Scots are drunk.
	There's plenty of Scots who are teetotalers.
	But I went to Scotland every year as a kid.
	My parents are Scottish.
	I'm Scottish.
	I'm drunk right now.
	That's why I was late for the show.
	Because I was at a bar.
	And she goes, well, look at Long Duck Dong in 16 Candles.
	I mean, do you honestly think that wasn't racist?
	And I go, yes.
	I honestly think that wasn't racist.
	And she goes, you're blowing my mind here.
	She goes, you haven't evolved since 2008.
	She goes, there's a fucking gong every time you see him.
	And by the way, God bless Leslie for at least being open to yell to a grumpy old man, an archie bunker.
	Most people have just like severed the cord.
	In fact, I'm guilty of saying just sever the cord.
	But I go, yes, I'm aware of the gong with long duck dong.
	But so, and then the argument is the perpetual foreigner argument, which, by the way, got the aristocats killed.
	He is a foreigner.
	It's not in the notes, Ryan.
	Just dig up long duck dong.
	Why aren't you looking that up, you stupid chink?
	Well, because I thought it was going to be like a little hop and a skip.
	That's what I'm saying about this show.
	We can't do hop and skips.
	Now, by the way, someone would take that stupid chink out of context.
	It's obviously a hilarious joke where I'm talking about stereotyping Asians and then I make use of an anti-Asian epithet.
	That's brilliant.
	Yet in Max and John's appeal, they're the Proud Boys that are in prison, all they talked about was my racist hate speech.
	Meanwhile, they're not getting the nuance of the quips.
	But I get why we're all supposed to say this is racist, okay?
	He's not cool.
	What's your name?
	Donk.
	What's your first name?
	Donk.
	What's your middle name?
	Donk.
	I bet all the boys are tasting plenty in the school.
	Nobody's caught me yet.
	That was me and Courtney Crowley at the problem.
	That's you and every girlfriend you've ever gone out with.
	No, but this was a real giant.
	So, yes, it checks off all the boxes of racist, right?
	But we should be able to go, okay, but why?
	And again, the Scottish thing comes in handy.
	What if there was a Scottish exchange student and he had a tartan tam and a kilt on, and every time you saw him in the movie, there was bagpipes, and he had a Mickey.
	He had a Mickey of whiskey, and he was chugging it, and then he would have a red nose, and he'd fall over backwards.
	Is that racist?
	Or are they just lampooning a pattern?
	Like, what is racism?
	I would say racism is not just noticing a pattern, but insisting it applies to every single person of that group, which none of these examples are doing.
	All these examples are saying, here is one tiny, here's five people doing that thing that happens to be a stereotype.
	And then the other fucking misnomer is this whole see it to be it thing, where they go, I was young, I'm like a Japanese Puerto Rican, and I never saw people like me on TV.
	So?
	Ben Carson is not a fucking brain surgeon because he saw a black brain surgeon on TV.
	Wait, play that clip.
	How is this different from Long Duck Dong?
	We've got the paper down!
	I don't even have a piper who's down.
	Dude, I remember that completely everyone's yelling it.
	We've got the piper down!
	So, you're just yelling, you misremembered it.
	Yeah, because I hear you yelling with...
	I'm just like thinking everything Scottish people say is yelling.
	It's amazing how many things we misremember.
	Yeah.
	I remembered it better, I think.
	Right, yeah, we improve things.
	There's a drunken piper who collapsed.
	Who can I sue?
	That's not really flattering, is it?
	No, it's not flattering.
	So is that the deal?
	You can only show patterns if they're flattering?
	No, well, they're white, and you can't get away with that.
	The thing is, like, people make fun of it.
	Like, you can show black people, you know, white man can't jump.
	You can show black people doing awesome in sports and stuff and cool jazz thing, cool runnings, whatever.
	But if there's like a negative strip, that's really what racism is according to these new rules.
	Even Coming to America.
	It depicts a pattern that is negative.
	The brand new Coming to America, how is that not a problem?
	Well, they're talking like this.
	Because he's rich.
	And he doesn't eat the poo-poo.
	They eat the poo-poo.
	All over that place.
	All over that place.
	By the way, Ugandan homophobe, they don't really eat the poo-poo.
	In those pornos that you saw, they clean their asses with like bleach wipes and they have a bunch of enemas.
	So they're licking pretty clean anal lips.
	I would say we could ask Milo about that, but I don't even know anymore.
	Mino's not gay anymore.
	Milo.
	Who's Mino?
	Mino's not gay.
	He's my Milo.
	He's Mino.
	Yes.
	By the way, I'm mad at him.
	Could he not have mentioned Censored.tv while he made national news again?
	That's a shame.
	We made South Park.
	Proud Boys made South Park.
	Oh, really?
	Yep.
	I didn't know that.
	Pretty fun.
	Oh, there we go.
	South Park Proud Boys.
	And then they have just, you know, P with the laurel.
	Keith sent this to me.
	That's cool.
	We made it.
	Apparently, Enrique is already making those hats.
	And are those zits?
	Yeah, or meth marks.
	They got Hawaiian shirts.
	We're not Boogaloo boys.
	This guy's got a pirate hat on.
	I haven't seen that.
	Okay.
	And then they got, you know, this guy.
	Hugh.
	Yeah.
	Whoever the fuck Hugh is.
	So, I blew it.
	My goal was to do a mini show in half an hour.
	I'm not even close to done.
	Two segments, My Pet Biden and Racism.
	But let's just finish this.
	Let's just make it a long, free episode.
	Aristocats.
	So Aristocats is gone because they have the Siamese.
	Can we Siamese, if you please?
	They have the Siamese cats in there, and they have chinky eyes and big teeth.
	That's the perpetual foreigner thing.
	The perpetual foreigner thing applies if they're not foreigners.
	When I was a kid and I saw these Chinese cats playing, I just assumed that they were newly here, just like Mike Myers is Scott.
	So that's insane.
	And then the other one was, get this.
	Pirates are negatively portrayed in what was it?
	Peter Pan.
	What?
	Yes, pirates are bad.
	Their fucking flag.
	Oh, there you just showed it.
	Right.
	That was it.
	Their fucking flag is a skull and crossbones.
	That's bad.
	The reason we have the Marines is because Muslim pirates were kidnapping our women and turning them into sex slaves.
	I mean, they're villains.
	How is that negative to point out?
	And they're not sensitive.
	They were rapists, sodomites.
	Yeah.
	And they don't like fucking killed people.
	They don't like cartoons.
	They're not going to be offended by this.
	If you can't make pirates villains, they would ride up next to your boat.
	I'm not sure if you're familiar with everything in the world.
	I'm turning into John Mulaney.
	You know, as in everything in the world?
	You know, those pirates with their socks.
	You know, rapists.
	And look, pirates were Middle Eastern.
	They were Arabs, basically.
	But in this, they make them white as a bunch of Englishmen, and that's still not acceptable.
	That's not good enough.
	So pirates are portrayed negatively in Swiss Family Robinson and Peter Pan, so that's gone.
	Oh, no, sorry, Peter Pan.
	The problem with Peter Pan was redskins.
	Indians are called redskins, which is fucking wrong.
	Like, I've made three redskins from scratch.
	It's a ridiculous thing to be offended by.
	And I think there's a good argument that they did have redskin.
	The thing about Indians is, and this is a fault of ours, they had developed brown fat.
	And Wynne Hoff in the book, That Which Does Not Kill Us, explains that human beings are capable of developing brown fat, where we are better at withstanding the cold.
	We somehow pussied out.
	We used to have this ability back when we were, you know, Vikings and in the surviving the Siberian winters.
	We developed this skill too.
	The Indians lost it much later than us.
	So they would be able to withstand, like, say, 20 degrees with no shirt on.
	We would be freezing our asses off with that.
	And I would imagine if you are wearing no shirt in 20 degrees, even if you're warm, your skin's going to be pretty red.
	There's a lot of circulation going on here.
	So my personal theory is that redskins got the name because they were red, because they were scantily clad in cold weather, which they could handle.
	Anyway, it's not a fucking insult, and it's insane that these people are all banned.
	All right, that's going to be, I guess, the end of the usual segments we have.
	I had Antifa, I had feminism, but towards the end of every show, we go and do the mailbag, where we read letters from viewers.
	So let's try that.
	Okay.
	I have to go pee very bad.
	Ryan, can you read the first letter here?
	Yes.
	It's from a guy named.
	Brendan?
	Brendan, and he talks to a long duck dog.
	Oh, it's a little video.
	Perfect.
	My name is Hook Long, and today we're talking about the Saudi Fin.
	Some people out there want to take all your money, kick your duck, do the booty info tray.
	Some people say you pee your pan, do the throw up, and you make them not horny anymore, and they go away.
	But I don't want the foot long, inside the foot long.
	Some people use a pepper spray, but not the 100% reliability.
	What's up?
	At the Fire Power United.
	Should I just show the video or talk?
	So that is a video of a guy making fun of Chinese people.
	And from personal experience, using personal experience here, my Korean boss was very racist towards Japanese anti-Ascats.
	If it's boring, interject.
	Oh, I didn't hear what you said, and I said.
	I know, but you should just know that instinctually, we're trying to entertain people.
	I don't think it's boring.
	It's only a minute.
	No, that's not relevant.
	And there's a punchline.
	It seems like this is a comedy bit that's a minute, so if I would step on a punchline, then it would take away the possibility of it being funny.
	You know what I mean?
	Okay, so what's his joke?
	He's being longed to dog, and he's like, take it from, you know, people are trying to rape you in the booty, so you could throw a pepper spray at them, but that doesn't work.
	Some people use a pepper spray, but not the 100% reliability.
	At the Fire Power United, we had a new cell phone.
	Chinese guy does not do a very good Chinese accent.
	I'm not going to smash the subscribe.
	No, that's not fire or hot.
	He could totally buzz off.
	But again, I understand why you sound good when you say that Long Doc Dong is a racist stereotype.
	I understand you sound sane and the way we've all been conditioned, boxes checked off.
	It's a Chinese stereotype.
	There's a gong, all that.
	But let's go a layer deeper and show me, like in a court of law, why that is racist.
	And you can't really do it.
	And that's the problem with all of these fucking banned cartoons.
	All right.
	Hey, Arnold, Buds Drinker and Insylvester Stallone.
	I remember you talking about pedos and saying that there's a difference between a 50-year-old man with a 13-year-old girl.
	I don't think I said that much of a dab.
	And an 18-year-old boy with a 15-year-old girl.
	Now there is literally an episode on Have a Seat with Chris Hansen like that with a nervous 18-year-old virgin boy trying to meet up with a 15-year-old girl, which we don't advocate, but it's no guy my age with a girl underage.
	It's hard to watch.
	They literally ruined the poor kid's life.
	And the sheriff from the department they're doing these sting operations with is interviewed by Chris Hansen and calling the poor kid sick and depraved and this and that.
	The fucking guy is portrayed in the first episode as a hero as he is marching with Black Lives Matter and being a complete treacherous little cuck.
	Fuck the police's boss.
	I'm not saying you should watch the episode right now, though it's pretty crazy to hear the boy cry, but it's more in the comments.
	They're fucking gold.
	And the dislikes on the video just show you how the majority don't have a fucking problem with a high school senior going out with the sophomore.
	Now, I went to prom.
	I think my girlfriend in high school was 15 when I was 18.
	I was maybe 17.
	But I think I did this.
	I'm here.
	I hear myself.
	Yeah, I had one like that too.
	I think when I was 17, I think I dated a 15-year-old.
	Which was like two grades lower.
	Yeah.
	My name was.
	When I was in 9th grade, I was in 11th grade.
	Mine was like that too.
	And there wasn't any weirdness to it.
	No, nobody's.
	No, it was a little weird.
	Oh, I have to admit.
	Yeah.
	We had like two years apart.
	We were like, I'll just wait.
	We waited to do things.
	Yeah, I think we waited too, but we were dating early.
	But anyway, let's see this.
	You got him.
	Get the pedophiles off the streets.
	If they would dare.
	Wouldn't you love to see this Chris Hansen in London with Pakistanis?
	Wouldn't that be the end of his career?
	No, he would be the beginning.
	Grooming all these British girls.
	You know, no matter how many times I do this, you still...
	Wonder if this one...
	Wonder if this was a fucked up thing to do to an 18-year-old.
	Have a hard go with somebody who's on the young side, even though legally they're an adult.
	So you have to hope in this case that Chon does learn a lesson.
	It would seem that he'd be a candidate for probation.
	And if he can stay out of trouble and learn something from this, go to college.
	Shut up, Chris.
	We don't want to be known as the...
	We're showing you this microcosm of our show, and I don't want you to think that we regularly defend sex with 14-year-old girls.
	What's up with all the cartoons?
	I'm like, what's the matter with fucking a 14-year-old?
	Once again, on today's show, we delve into the times it's okay to fuck a 14-year-old.
	And they're canceling the cartoons.
	What else are they going to watch when they bring us to the moment?
	I mean, what's next?
	First of all, Pepe LePue's bad, and now fucking a 14-year-old's bad?
	What if she's horny?
	I'm turning into Jerry Seinfeld.
	I notice things.
	All right, so that's, we usually end the show with a thing we call the final video, which was recorded by a band called the Beastie Boys.
	Okay.
	So, cops are monsters.
	They shoot black people for sport.
	They're all racist.
	They have terrible training.
	That's a big thing you hear.
	Like Derek Chauvin.
	Actually, I don't know how it's pronounced in America.
	I'm from Quebec.
	So when I see that spelling, I think Chauvin, but they probably call him Chauvin.
	Just like Gouverneur, the prison where Max Hare is, is called governor.
	But you got to understand, cops are trained to punch you in the face.
	Punching someone in the face is a great reboot.
	If someone's acting like a fucking asshole, nothing reboots your hard drive like a punch to the head.
	So that's why they punch you in the face when they're putting your arms behind your back.
	Also, the chauvin knee on the neck that you saw happen to George Floyd for eight minutes that caused God knows how many deaths.
	And dude, there was just a death today, I believe.
	Today or yesterday.
	Did you know that the George Floyd area now has a chaz?
	Yeah, and a kid got shot and it killed.
	A kid got shot and killed.
	Yeah.
	Police couldn't get killed.
	They're trying to drag him out of the zone so that way he can get attention.
	Well, yeah, because cops aren't allowed into chaz.
	Floyd chaz.
	Flaz, we'll call it.
	So people die in this myth.
	Defending the myth that innocent people are being killed.
	The knee on the neck is part of police procedure.
	It's a way to hold a perp down who's delirious and might be having a heart attack at ODing.
	And it's a way, believe it or not, to get him to breathe.
	Yeah, you heard me.
	When you have a knee on the neck, you're keeping him flat and trying to help him breathe.
	I know that sounds crazy, but that's the way it is.
	And if you check the police manuals of Minneapolis, they show that particular move.
	Because you have to understand, the guy's not coming from sitting at a desk talking to his friend.
	He's coming from fighting the cops, having a heart attack, freaking out.
	You're trying to subdue him till the ambulance comes.
	That's what they were trying to do.
	Unfortunately, he was ODing on fentanyl.
	And that shuts your lungs down and you die no matter what position you're put in.
	Anyway, the truth of that case is, if he's found innocent, no matter what the evidence, there's going to be riots in the streets.
	So the judge is probably going to be a pussy and do what they did with Rodney King and just say, everyone's guilty.
	Throw them in jail.
	I don't want to get fired.
	And so Chauvin will go to jail for doing the right thing.
	Yeah, you heard me.
	He didn't do anything wrong.
	Derek Chauvin did nothing wrong.
	And George Floyd Ode'd.
	I'm sorry.
	Anyway.
	You know, he ate his drugs before, too.
	There was another situation where he did that.
	Yeah, he had a pile of...
	Fentanyl, by the way, is so potent that when the cops go to pick it up, they wear hazmat suits.
	They're picking up plutonium as far as they're concerned.
	But he ate a whole bunch of it.
	On Anthony's show, he said he did it before, too.
	It was on record that he had done that same eat the drugs move.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	And he survived.
	I just heard that.
	Huh.
	Because you can see him throw it in his mouth in the video.
	But anyway.
	Here's an angle you don't usually see about what cops have to deal with.
	And we're very pro-cop on the show here.
	And these are guys answering a call from a dude.
	Look at that beautiful tile work.
	I'm sorry to get lost in craftsmanship, but what a lost art that is.
	Just perfect.
	Literally perfect.
	So they get a call from a guy, and this has volume, I hope.
	Yep.
	It's up.
	Is this a not safe for work deal?
	This is not safe for work.
	Well, no, I don't think so.
	You don't see anyone like really with their lemon peeled back.
	Okay.
	Can you hear it?
	No.
	Ah, shit.
	Because there's a police, maybe they'll go do the police camp.
	So this guy's, they answer a call.
	Oh, you're not seeing anything here.
	This sucks.
	So they're moving over to the side so you can see me and it.
	So they're answering a call, and the guy's very friendly.
	And they go, Hey, how you doing?
	He goes, Yeah, man, just had to call you.
	And then they go, Okay, this seems safe.
	They come up the stairs to see what's going on.
	And he runs out and pulls a gun.
	Boom, boom.
	Like, go back.
	Go fucking back.
	These trigger, these cops, they keep saying they're trigger happy.
	This is not, how trigger happy can you be when this is your life?
	Look at this.
	One, one thousand two, one thousand three.
	Boom.
	Like, thank God the guy is shitty aim.
	He's a stormtrooper, probably.
	And he doesn't get that first guy in that fucking head.
	Look at him.
	Look at that.
	How long, how much warning did they have?
	This isn't a hostage situation.
	This is a guy who is being super friendly.
	Hey, man, I'm just making pizza.
	And then I'm trying to kill you.
	And by the way, I blame the media for this because the media has portrayed cops as vigilante fucking boba fettes who go and just kill people.
	By the way, I'm watching The Mandalorian regularly with my youngest boy, so you're going to hear a lot of Star Wars references.
	So in a strange way, I kind of get this guy.
	Hold on.
	Stop.
	Wow.
	I kind of get this guy because he's dumb and the media is telling him that cops are hunting black people all day.
	That was too much of indecence.
	You go, all right, well, I don't like that.
	My dad is black.
	My brother's black.
	I want to shoot back.
	So there's some culpability here from fucking CNN, Black Lives Matter, MSNBC.
	They are responsible for this.
	So here it is with volume.
	They put the gun down.
	Now, obviously, if he has a gun, he's there to kill them.
	Thank God, no cops got shot there.
	Did they get him?
	I don't know.
	Anyway, folks, that is, was supposed to be a half-hour version of the show.
	It ended up being 50 minutes.
	That's what we do.
	We do a bunch of segments.
	There's also often interviews.
	There's also often a green screen.
	And I'm usually sober when I do this show.
	So that's another difference with tonight.
	But get fired, get in trouble.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	So I'm going to say the ending, and then we're going to cut to like a whatever screen, play some the streets, and then we're going to come back and we're going to do that commercial thing, and then we're going to take calls and do drawings.
	Yes.
	All right.
	So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	Burst in the room.
	Nurse me on Tuesday, 21st of June.
	You know how the Ramones did Pet Cemetery and they got kind of weirder or more normal as they got older?
	Yeah.
	Which all bands inevitably do.
	ACDC did not.
	ACDC were the only band that never evolved.
	And people want to hear what made you great.
	They want to hear the Kingsman do Louie Louie.
	And I think that song is Mike Skinner doing I Want to Be Sedated as the Ramones in like 2000.
	You know what I mean?
	Like he's remembering what made him great and he's going, I'm just going to do what made me great, which is doing a weird outside-the-box, brutally honest song, which is on the 21st of June, people are going to be looking for the bag.
	What I found about Coke when you're old, you get a slightly up buzz, but nothing fancy.
	And you can drink a little bit more, but nothing fancy.
	And then 24 hours later, you're blue.
	You're a sad guy.
	And you don't know why.
	You don't know why you hate your life.
	When you're my age, you're very in control of your life.
	So it's weird to be sad because you go, I can just move.
	Like I can get on a plane.
	We can go anywhere.
	We can go to Morocco.
	So it's weird to be melancholy when you're my age, especially if you have money.
	But Coke does that.
	And you just go in a lot.
	But I remember being a young man, 30 years old, and you would just be like, ah, I guess I'm depressed tonight.
	That's gay.
	And go out and have fun.
	Anyway.
	So I feel obligated to finish the things that we didn't cover in the fake mini episode.
	What do you think of that?
	I think yes.
	I get the depressed feeling after hangovers, too.
	And you get it too, though, right?
	Not with hangovers, no.
	I get scared at three in the morning of real impending fear.
	I've been having a lot of war dreams these days.
	I got shot in the head the other day.
	Oh, yeah?
	Yeah.
	In a dream.
	It sucks.
	That's ironic because that's my dream.
	I got shot in the head in your dream, actually.
	I had a fucking crazy dream last night where there was this black girl outside like a ski lodge, and I haven't been laid in a while.
	So I'm very horny and I don't beat off, as you know.
	And She was a very pretty young, like Candace Owens type of black girl.
	And she wanted to make out.
	I made out with her.
	And I, you know, with a mustache, when you make out with girls, if they're not used to it, it's kind of weird.
	And I was grabbing the back of her head and really like, this nigga is asshole me!
	Like going for it, right?
	And then after, she was kind of taken aback and really into me.
	And I had to go.
	And I was worried my wife would smell like, I don't know, lipstick on my breath.
	So I was like pouring whiskey on my lips and stuff.
	So there would be no evidence of the transgression.
	Then being good at it, if you.
	But here's the crazy part.
	It made me remember being single like in the late 20s, early 30s.
	And some of making out with chicks was power and just getting a yes.
	Like obviously it feels good to make your dick go in and out of a vagina and get a blowjob and all that.
	And if you're romantic and you're really into her, that is fun.
	But in those cases, you're thinking this could be the one and you're laying the groundwork for like a future.
	But sometimes it was a power trip.
	And here's how you know that you're in one of those times when they say yes and you're like, I could go home now.
	Like she invited me back to her place.
	I'm good.
	In fact, sometimes you go back to her place, or I did, just to confirm that you really are giving permission for this, huh?
	And then the second it's like, you're like, all right, well, I got permission.
	I won.
	Bye.
	Or you really want to overdo it.
	I think if you're not interested in her, you want to overdo it so you get some sort of strange admiration from it, which you don't always get, by the way.
	A lot of the times we're like, could you go?
	Like one time I fucked this girl and she I was walking out the door and the next morning, this is back in Montreal days and she goes, Gavin.
	And I'm just walking out going, yeah.
	And she goes, don't tell anyone about this.
	Okay.
	So I'm not pretending that I'm like this Fabio that leaves them pepula pewing.
	They're pepula puking.
	But there are times when you sense you have power, and those are exhilarating times as a man.
	And I think there's definitely a large percentage of sexual intercourse of any kind, even kissing, when you're single, where you just kind of want to have power over her.
	And then she likes you and you're like, yeah.
	It's mega-valid.
	Yep.
	Fucked around and you found out.
	It's the conquest.
	That's the whole thing about dreams.
	Sometimes you learn stuff from them.
	Because I was surprised that I wasn't into her, but that I was so determined to make the kissing good in the dream.
	And what you were saying about like for that to stick around, like your reputation to stick around or something?
	Like you leave some legend that swooped in her life and like gave her a thrill and then left and she's like, that guy.
	Well, that's how I got my wife.
	I left a business card in Jennifer.
	The fuck's her name?
	She worked at Fat Records.
	I ate her out like with the greatest care one could ever eat anyone out.
	Like more than I would care if I was to eat you out.
	That means a lot to her.
	Jennifer, what the fuck was her name?
	She was Asian, right?
	No.
	Oh.
	Short, very short girl.
	But you left a business card in her pussy.
	It's a metaphor.
	I ate her pussy so well that I knew she would talk about it.
	Oh, yeah.
	And word got out to my wife, who lived in San Francisco and worked at Fat Records.
	And then when she met me, she's like, I know you.
	You're the vice guy.
	But I wasn't just the vice guy.
	I was the guy that Jen had talked about.
	Oh, my God.
	I came so hard.
	Yep.
	You're the eat chicks out guy.
	I'm the.
	Yeah, it definitely works.
	Well, here's the secret.
	You can look up my vice guide eating pussy if you must.
	But the basic secret is very simple.
	I know you want to go bananas like the pig at a trough.
	I know it's a pie-eating contest to you.
	And you're a big fat pig that hasn't eaten all day.
	So you just want to go...
	Don't do that.
	Take your fucking time.
	And when I say take your time, I mean...
	Hold on, it's like...
	This is vice.com and they still have your thing on there?
	It's very rare.
	I talk about this article so much that they can't not have my byline.
	Was that the original title?
	No, that's a different article, actually.
	I did write that, too, which is considered racist because I talked about different races in it.
	No, it's the Vice Guide Eating Pussy.
	But like, that was a long one between.
	I know.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	And of course, at the end, you're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	But it should take like two minutes to get to that point.
	If you just come in going, blah, blah, blah, it's like being a DJ and the club opens at 8 p.m. and you start playing jungle.
	Fire!
	I'm going to have to burn the play down.
	You got to start with some slow jams.
	Some Jimmy Cliff.
	Get them in the zone.
	Hello.
	Got a base.
	Anyway, can we get this feminism out of the way?
	Yes.
	We have a lot of feminism drops.
	We do.
	I'll pick this one.
	Feminism.
	Short one.
	I do not remember that one.
	Can I see the beginning again?
	What was that from?
	Sam Hyde, The Million Dollar Extreme Show.
	Oh, Tim Heidecker luckily shut down.
	Oh, yeah.
	God for Tim Heidecker, Policing Comedy across the globe.
	And Brett Gelman.
	Nick.
	You tripped my life.
	I saw you do it.
	You know why Brett Gelman shut down or not?
	He didn't shut down shit.
	Tim Heidecker shuts down shows.
	Brett Gelman, they go, you're incredibly talented, which I reluctantly concede he is.
	And they go, can you get us women to do shit?
	Because affirmative action is everywhere and there's too many white males running comedy.
	How about you just focus on funny and forget the ethnicity and the gender of the people doing it?
	No, no, no.
	We need to get women.
	So he goes, well, I have the perfect woman for you.
	And they're like, oh, great.
	The new Sarah Silverman, the new Wanda Sykes, the new Tina Faye.
	You got a funny chick.
	And he goes, yeah, her name's my wife.
	And they go, the bald black chick?
	Yes, she's hilarious.
	Well, yeah, everyone thinks their wife's hilarious.
	Dude, she's a stylist.
	I know, but she's really funny and she buys us cool hats.
	And they go, okay, we'll give you some time to come up with someone else.
	But eventually we're going to need you to come up with something better than that weird eight-year-old black boy that you're married to, who's in a chocolate ad from the 1940s.
	Yeah, that looks racist.
	And he goes, okay, fine.
	And then he comes back with his wife.
	How about her?
	And they go, that looks like the same black woman you had before, but just without a hat.
	Her hair is a hat now.
	And he's like, okay, I'll go back to the drawing board.
	Oh, I have one.
	How about this?
	And he introduces this young comedic writer.
	And they go, yeah, this is just with more hair.
	Sorry, you can't keep submitting Charlene McRae here.
	Eventually, we're going to say, fuck you.
	So they did say, fuck you.
	So then he had to leave because he hadn't done his job.
	He could have just said, and by the way, everyone in comedy knows like seven funny chicks.
	But he just couldn't bring himself to introduce them to Adult Swim.
	So then he goes, actually, so they go, okay, well, you were done with you.
	Fuck off.
	And he goes, okay, I have to spin this.
	I know.
	I left because of Sam Hyde and racism.
	What?
	It was driving you nuts.
	Okay, here she is doing a thing.
	Let's see how funny it is.
	I think this is just an interview.
	No, you're not.
	It's my favorite movie about kids.
	Yes.
	And there is this scene.
	I'm keeping this away, but the movie came out decades ago.
	There's a scene with a little boy, and he's playing with this baguette, and his name is Gregory, and pushing it up a flight of stairs, and eventually he falls out of the window.
	But he keeps saying, Gregory, go boom, Gregory, go boom.
	And then he falls out of a window, but everything's fine.
	And that's where the title came from.
	Everything's not fine in this short film.
	I don't know if you remember.
	So not funny.
	Sad.
	Anyway, so we did the feminism intro.
	Burger King.
	Burger King is two things at once.
	It is incredibly cool Sam Hyde hilariosity where they use misdirects to varying degrees and usually incredibly effective.
	Then they get shat on because everyone takes it literally.
	Then they apologize and say, I can't believe I did that.
	Then they do it again.
	I'm lost.
	I think it's men.
	This is my hunch.
	Men at the ad agency coming up with great things that are misdirects.
	Like 10 things I hate about the Jews, how to fight a baby, divorce your wife, things that sound shocking.
	Like I'm working with a guy who is working on a new kind of recycling program that's more focused.
	And I'm like, I know what you got to do.
	You got to call it stop recycling.
	Recycling's for faggots.
	Recycling is bullshit.
	He's like, that's very provocative, but I don't think we want to do that.
	Because my point is 90% of what you put in that stupid bin goes to landfills in Southeast Asia.
	Sorry, rivers in Southeast Asia.
	You'd be better off putting most of your shit in the garbage because at least it'll go to landfills.
	His thing is mostly cans, which is great because these actually get recycled.
	So you go, stop recycling.
	It's bullshit.
	And then you go, but do it this way.
	And they do get recycled.
	Anyway, sorry.
	I like Miss Directs.
	I like the National Inquirer where they go, fucking Miley Cyrus wishes she was an old, ugly bag is the headline.
	And the picture is Miley Cyrus with a cane going, hello, I'm old and ugly.
	And then you read the article and she goes, I'd like to eventually accept more mature roles in acting.
	Now that's a boring thing, but you want to spice it up, so you make it exciting.
	So Burger King seems to get that.
	The men, and again, I'm guessing the genders here.
	The men get that.
	So they make an interesting zinger with a twist.
	Then there's backlash.
	And then the women who are in charge of social media shit their pants and capitulate.
	So this was the Burger King tweet.
	Women belong in the kitchen.
	Right?
	That gets you interested.
	You look it up.
	There's the at.
	Women belong in the kitchen.
	Now, this is something I actually believe, San's irony, but they clearly don't.
	Why would Burger King say women belong in the kitchen?
	Why would Burger King go full Archie bunker like that?
	They obviously would not.
	So if you pretend, by the way, I want that piece of paper.
	Yeah.
	Wouldn't that be well framed in your kitchen?
	It looks retrospective.
	Like a really fancy frame.
	And I like the font they used.
	So anyway, when you check the actual context, the actual syntax behind it, they're clearly Saying that women belong in high-end restaurants.
	Apparently, at Le Cirque and at Keene Steakhouse, most of the major chefs who are making $250,000 a year are male.
	And they're saying women belong in those kitchens.
	So, obviously, the reference is saying that women belong in high-end kitchens and they don't belong in residential kitchens.
	So, it looks like it's a sexist statement, but it's actually obviously a feminist statement.
	That's what good advertising does.
	It piques your interest, and then you look in and you go, oh, it's not what I thought.
	So they immediately apologized.
	I got to go piss again.
	And it reminds me of this Burger King racism thing.
	Actually, I sent you it weeks ago.
	You'll have to dig that up.
	Why don't you show yourself while you look that up?
	And try just once, Ryan, to engage the audience and be interesting.
	It's hard to do this and talk, but I'm going to try.
	Okay.
	Burger King tweet.
	Looking for it.
	Well, I stumbled upon some interesting information, by the by.
	And this, I don't know if this was going to get mentioned, but KFC responded to the tweet, and they deleted it since.
	Everybody's deleting it.
	So they said that the best time to delete this post was immediately after posting it.
	The second best time is now.
	So, you know, anytime these like Wendy's or something or McDonald says something, they'll go back and forth.
	Or like with crackers, like Nabisco.
	I didn't know that.
	Yeah.
	I would think there'd be some sort of gang truce where it's like, look, man, I won't fuck with you when you fuck up.
	You don't fuck with me.
	That would be good, but no, they seem to, they pile on.
	They're like, well, you thought what they said was bad?
	We do too.
	And we make chicken.
	I don't think there's competition with Burger King in KFC.
	If I feel like a burger, I feel like a burger.
	If I feel like chicken, I feel like chicken.
	Oh, yeah, good point.
	I'm still looking for this.
	Dude, it's been...
	Was it Burger King?
	Yes, it was Burger King.
	So they had, you remember the Burger King crown guy?
	Where he has a facial tattoo.
	He's obviously out of his mind.
	And he was yelling the N-word on a plane.
	He bumped some woman.
	She got, she threatened him.
	And he said, F-U-N, which we don't advocate here on this show.
	And she said, what the fuck?
	And everyone's speaking on the plane.
	But instead of him going, I can't believe I said that, he doubled down and regularly said, yeah, I think at one point he said, I'm part black.
	This actually isn't in my notes.
	So see if you can find the Burger King crown racist guy.
	On the plane.
	On the plane.
	And then find Burger King had an ad where they said, we are really concerned about racism, blah, blah, blah.
	It wasn't remotely funny like the woman belong in the kitchen thing.
	And that's, by the way, the crux of this issue here is that we're losing our sense of humor.
	When Burger King said women belong in the kitchen, they were clearly being funny.
	It's called a joke.
	We've lost our...
	When I say we, I mean the left.
	There we go.
	Call the fucking police right now.
	I know you signed.
	Good.
	We're going to come attack them.
	Thank you.
	Is this the first one or the second one?
	Yeah, there was two.
	It looks like the first one.
	Where is 25A?
	Where is 25A?
	By the way, stop.
	What a crazy fashion sense he has.
	So it seems to be a silk dress shirt.
	It's a Bloods COVID mask.
	The shirt's in incredible condition.
	It's brand new.
	It's probably a $200 shirt.
	A little embroidery there with a rabbit.
	I like the shirt a lot, actually.
	A little rabbit?
	My concern would be it doesn't make your shoulders look good, but that's because I have Grover body.
	But it's a great shirt.
	And then he strangely has like a pocket square and a phone in it.
	Or maybe the pink thing is part of his phone.
	It doesn't look like it.
	They're not parallel lines.
	We got that embroidered rabbit there, which is weird.
	It's a soft collar.
	And he's got an M on his pocket.
	So it's a beautiful shirt.
	Maybe his dad died and left him a million bucks, and he's doing math.
	So he's got a bizarre, shitty facial tattoo.
	Not that there's a lot of good facial tattoos.
	Maybe Mike Tyson is the only guy who has a quote-unquote classy facial tattoo.
	You're saying that just in case you meet him.
	You know, it's classy.
	In case you have to fight one day.
	His hair is obviously not sophisticated like mine, but it's clean.
	It's brushed.
	And then he regularly wears a Burger King crown, which is not beaten up, by the way.
	Which implies that he has like 37 of them in a briefcase.
	Why is his Burger King crown always so impeccable?
	This guy's a mystery, man.
	An artist?
	Oh, that's a good call.
	Like a Mickey Avalon?
	He's a painter.
	He's a painter and he's drunk out of his mind.
	And what happened was a black woman was in his seat and she said, you're in my seat.
	And then he said, he was drunk.
	He said, get the fuck out of my seat, bitch.
	And then that pissed her off.
	So she punched him in the stomach.
	And then he said, nigger.
	I didn't say nigger and the time are you.
	I want to press Trump.
	Nobody fucking.
	Take this shit, nigga, fuck out of my seat.
	Kick the nigga bitch off the plane!
	Kick the nigga bitch off the plane!
	It looks like he's musing somebody over to the right.
	That's not necessary.
	That's not how you use that word.
	Get out of my seat, please.
	We will take care of it, but I need you to stop me up.
	We'll take care of it, but he needs to stop going, no, dude, you're off the plane.
	You're not getting your seat back.
	It's not going to be fine.
	But anyway, so that went viral long ago.
	And then Burger King had a whole thing about the crown, about racism, about how you have to be brave and you have to, quote unquote, wear the crown.
	Now that begs the question, had they seen this viral video that was absolutely everywhere?
	Excuse my incessant burping.
	Or were they trying to take back the crown?
	What do you got?
	No, that's not it.
	Ryan, I sent you this.
	I've been sending it to you for weeks.
	I can send it to you again.
	It's on my phone.
	But it's an ad.
	Oh, that's a sad text I got from our bartender down the street.
	Been alone since you left, leaving now to catch the last bus.
	Oh, is that a suicide note?
	Alone.
	Michael Graves, my kids making funny faces.
	Here we go.
	So I'll email that to you.
	It was for Black History Month.
	This has been in the notes for many days, which is why I want to get it out of here now.
	I'll go over to mail.
	I'll click Ryan, which is your name.
	See, this is how you keep them engaged, by the way, while you're doing stuff.
	BK, we'll call it.
	861 megabytes, I think should be a good size.
	Black History Month may be over, but black excellence continues to shine.
	Stay tuned for more to come.
	Hashtag wear your crown.
	So now I'm inclined to think they knew that this thing blew up.
	They were petrified that it would become a Nazi hat, like the Tiki torches in Charlottesville.
	So they're saying, wear your crown, as in, it's sort of like what they tried to do with the Proud Boys, where they showed a bunch of people kissing and saying, we're proud boys, like that was going to bother them, which it obviously didn't because there's plenty of gays in the club.
	I think they were trying to stop.
	Yeah, that's what's going on here.
	I'm positive now.
	They were trying to stop a trend of Nazis wearing Burger King things.
	Like this became a thing.
	Drinking milk became a thing.
	You know what I mean?
	Remember the Mac the Knife, the McDonald's moon guy?
	Yeah.
	That became a thing.
	And all the alt-right dudes were super into the McDonald's half-moon guy.
	I solved it live.
	You saw it live on the air.
	He's like Mac's headroom, but like with food.
	The moon man became a alt-right thing.
	That's great.
	That's fantastic.
	And so they were petrified that that would happen to them.
	And I guarantee you that it was women working in social media and they said, we need to nip this in the bud.
	There was a guy on a plane who's becoming popular who said the N-word.
	So let's say wearing the Burger King crown is an anti-racist move.
	So they feel like they're dupes if they do it.
	We believe in authenticity in people, their absolute genuine selves.
	Part of that means celebrating impactful cultural moments while empowering individuals and funding organizations that push the culture forward.
	Back excellence shouldn't be confined to a single month.
	There are far too many accomplishments and achievements deserving of our attention.
	Burger King fully supports you, the change ager for empowerment, truth, and equality.
	Wear your crown today and every day.
	And I get it.
	The marketing was saying, let's just like throw a wrench in the works and add some confusion.
	I don't want to overuse the word obfuscate because I say it every 10 minutes.
	But if we can just throw a wrench into the works, and then when people see someone saying the endware with the crown, it could be ironic.
	It could be satirical.
	It could be a double entender.
	All right, so that's what I wanted to get to in half an hour.
	We are now an hour and 20 minutes in.
	Look at what they did here.
	That's a good idea.
	You know what?
	If I owned Burger King, or if I was the ad agency that was doing Burger King, in this day and age with all of this insane censorship and racism and sexism and homophobia everywhere, I would just be so fucking weird.
	Yeah.
	No one knew what we were doing.
	KFC does a great job.
	KFC does that.
	There was the Illuminati Nacho Fries.
	Remember that?
	I forget who that was.
	Was it Taco Bell?
	Nacho Fries?
	I can't remember.
	Because they got the nacho fries.
	But there was some restaurant that was talking about how the fries are part of the Illuminati.
	And that obviously isn't meant to really get you.
	Oh, there we go.
	Taco Bell.
	And then you get Charlie.
	Now it's on Charlie Daniels to be weird.
	And you're getting free advertising from Charlie Daniels.
	This is the way to go, folks.
	If you want a fast food brand.
	Be fucking weird.
	Wait, they're all banned now?
	Those vids.
	Whatever happened to that KFC Mario Lopez thing?
	I fucked him at a party once because he had Coke.
	I was at that party.
	Please tell me I didn't say that on the live show.
	You did.
	Okay.
	You said it before.
	You bragged.
	You went into detail last time.
	You got a lot of anger.
	We were experiencing technical difficulties.
	Apparently someone has hacked the show and is adding a deep fake.
	Oh, yes.
	Of course.
	They're making my face say things.
	My name is Joe.
	Wait, what?
	That one wasn't even.
	That was them doing that?
	That was them doing that.
	Okay.
	So that wasn't you?
	Covering.
	I've never met Mario Lopez.
	All right, let's do this.
	Deep fake.
	oh fuck i forgot gays hold on a second i'm gonna make gaze an X this sock is pink oh my boyfriend I hear about these guys they're bamboo whatever they are bombas bombas we donate this pair to someone in need so they're two white gays right I have two socks on my feet and a pink one coming out of my ass pink socks first order at bombas.com right tell someone
	you're a financial advertising Ameriprize financial meriprize I never know what these skins look like oh no so we have a mixed female light skin and we have a black male and they are a couple which I have nomenclature for worked on tomorrow's goals there's a white woman so inter-business relationship So far,
	we're at 100% like non-normal white.
	Wait, stop fucking shit.
	All chicks.
	What is this?
	One of color, two of regular.
	Wait, what's the thing?
	What are they advertising?
	I don't know yet.
	Okay.
	So we've seen a white woman?
	Products delivered to your door.
	Seen a white woman and I saw a black woman, did I?
	Yes.
	Wait, go back.
	Can you go back?
	I can't go back.
	Okay.
	Good pause, though.
	This is Ipsy.
	Oh, you can't go back.
	Oh, the friend.
	You can't go back.
	Big deal.
	Price line.
	Priceline.
	Okay, it seems like.
	Wait, wait, what was that previous one?
	If we pause, it'll skip and go to the bottom.
	Okay, this is fucking hard.
	No more pausing.
	All right, no more pause.
	What was the previous one?
	It was makeup.
	I'll just say makeup.
	Are you doing tally marks?
	Am I doing what?
	Tally marks might be the best way to go about it.
	It's a quick little ch-cause they're flashing images quick.
	So we got furniture.
	Wait, we're done with priceline?
	Yeah, that was a female.
	White female.
	Okay, right.
	So this is a furniture store.
	I think I missed this whole one.
	Okay.
	There's blacks, there's whites.
	There's Raymond Flanagan.
	Okay, I think I remember there was a white female, there was a black female, there was white, I don't know, there was a mixed.
	That was the place.
	It looked like a fair representation so far.
	These aren't the cuckomercials, but there's a lot of them out there, but we're not getting any.
	Okay, well, I will say, no, I won't say.
	The only white thing has been priceline in a country that's 70% white.
	Still let's look at it.
	Look at her fucking makeup.
	You could put that on a giraffe and it would look like a chick.
	All right, let's start taking calls and see if you can put CBS News in the corner.
	Okay.
	Like right here.
	And then when it's commercial time, we'll stop taking calls and try to work on this incredibly hard chart.
	Which I think I'm going to have to sit down.
	You know what you and I should do is watch TV for 24 hours.
	That's fun.
	And have a whole chart Excel spreadsheet with things we click on.
	That's pretty neat.
	Like when you count boxing, in boxing, when you're counting punches, there's like there's a lot of guys there.
	We have to have multiple counters, though.
	One for mixed, one for...
	Full.
	Mixed, gay, Asian, Gaysian, Mays, black, blake.
	I haven't fucked an Asian in 36 minutes.
	This is before we started the show.
	15 years?
	20 seconds to calls.
	Make that 10.
	Punching in calls.
	Are you supposed to have a CBS here?
	Yep, and we got a Joshua.
	Well, yeah, yes.
	Right after we take the call.
	Alright.
	What's up, Jay?
	Uh, Josh, sorry.
	Josh is an abbreviation of Joshua.
	It's the first letter.
	Jay, you on the line, dog.
	Can you hear a dude or can you not hear a dude?
	Hello, Josh.
	Wait, let me make sure this is on my end here.
	Check.
	Check one, two.
	Hello?
	Hey, how you doing?
	Hey.
	Oh, sorry.
	In high school, right?
	I was a senior and I was getting a 15-year-old-ish.
	Her parents read her diary, and they tried taking me to court for it, or tried to put me in jail for it.
	Wow.
	I guess it was technically illegal, right?
	They ended up dropping it essentially because they knew we were dating for the full year.
	And I don't know.
	It was very weird.
	But it just reminded me so much of that.
	What state are you in?
	Massachusetts.
	Because obviously there's tons of laws for this.
	So it says like San Francisco's insane.
	California is like, if they're 10 years apart, you're good.
	So a 24-year-old can fuck a 14-year-old.
	But I think in Massachusetts, yeah, if she's under 16, you're dead.
	Yeah, I guess that was my white privilege got away with it.
	How much did your parents spend on your lawyer's fees?
	I think they paid someone really cheap, and they kind of backed me.
	They knew a guy from Darts, actually.
	They knew a guy from what?
	Playing Darts.
	Why did you come into this discussion, gung-ho, ready to rock, and now you're petering out like a half-deflated balloon going...
	Oh, no, no.
	Okay, so I know.
	That's it.
	All right, goodbye.
	No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait.
	I know that was it.
	It sounds like that could have been a lie.
	He was so uninterrupted.
	Maybe because he said, I know what happened.
	He said Massachusetts and like his girlfriend went, gonna get fired.
	Right, right.
	Because now all they have to do is narrow it down to everyone in Massachusetts, which is probably only like five, ten million people.
	Oh, we said your name and you sound like that.
	Oh my God, you just got all, now they're going to fire your uncle's friend.
	Yep.
	Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	And by never stop fighting, I mean when you call in, you can mention your state.
	Okay, is this it?
	Snow.
	We got snow on the line.
	Wait, wait, hold on.
	What's this?
	Is this a commercial?
	This is the show.
	This is the show.
	You sure?
	Yeah, it looks like a bit.
	A segment.
	A bit.
	It's a bit.
	It's a joke.
	It's a fucking joke.
	Yeah, this looks like a Latino spotlight.
	Okay, go ahead.
	All right.
	Snow is on the line.
	Hey, Snow, I heard you were going to lick my boom boom down.
	Is that true?
	Yeah.
	I'm not an informer.
	You're pretty tipsy tonight, eh, lad?
	Is it that evident?
	Yeah, you're pretty pink tonight.
	Pretty what?
	Pink.
	Colorist.
	Pink.
	But I think I've been handling the show pretty well.
	Yeah, you are.
	It's pretty fun, actually.
	But have you thought about being a snowbird?
	You're talking about the big move.
	Have you ever thought about being a snowbird because you hate heat?
	Yeah, that's a good point.
	I just, I got to think about my kids.
	And a snowbird is an adult.
	It's a very adult post-kid thing to do, to be ripping your kids out of a place for the entire summer.
	Like, they make friends and shit, and then they don't see those friends anymore.
	It's a thing rich people do.
	Rich people take their fucking kids to France every year.
	And I just think that's so weird.
	Anyway, thanks for calling.
	I have a good idea for the line.
	Next call.
	I got to be pretty cruel with the calls when we delay it this much.
	Sergio.
	Hello?
	Oh, a girl.
	Hello.
	Hi, hot chip.
	Hi, hot stuff.
	What's up, baby?
	Listen to this, man.
	I got the solution to Proud Boys.
	I know everyone does, but I have it.
	All right, what do you got?
	It's terrible.
	I've alerted Ryan about this.
	We make Ryan, the new chairman of the Proud Boys.
	Terrible idea.
	I kind of like it.
	No, God, please.
	I like it because he's on like USA Today or CNN, and they go, so do you think the storming of the Capitol was insurrection because it was in the day and that could be domestic terrorism?
	And he's like, I, sheesh.
	Wow, that sounds hard.
	This is what I'm saying.
	If Ryan's the chairman and then they go dig through his past and they just see shitty impressions and shit.
	How dare you?
	They're not shitty.
	They're good.
	But they see impressions and then he goes on CNN and he just does impressions while he's being held responsible for the group.
	Yeah, because if you said to someone, be really funny and just make fun of this whole thing and take the piss, they would fuck it up.
	But Ryan can't fuck up taking the piss because he is the piss.
	I'm going to buy that.
	Like even if you held a gun to his head and said, be intelligent, he'd be like, okay, let me play a guitar solo.
	Yeah, well, no, I'd play like a verse.
	And if Ryan doesn't want to do anything for the club, like organize and shit, that would be great too, because then it would just be led up to the presidents of these chapters, and then they just handle it,
	and Ryan sits back.
	The club kind of stops doing the rally things and becomes more retarded.
	And then Ryan, if you wanted to do something, he could do like these retarded rituals and then make the group retarded, you know?
	Yeah, like state autonomy, the chapter autonomy would thrive because there'd be no leadership.
	So he'd say like, we're meeting in Las Vegas in, I don't know, October.
	And people would go, what?
	And then they would just set up their own times to meet.
	And he'd be alone October.
	He'd probably be late, too.
	It'd be a fallman.
	He'd be there like October 37th.
	And they'd be like, sorry, that's not on the calendar.
	Never late for WestFest.
	I do a lot of dumb things.
	I will not miss that.
	All right, thanks for the tip, and thank you for calling.
	Next call.
	It's been a long fucking segment without commercials, hasn't it?
	It's been a long fucking segment without commercials, hasn't it?
	Power Hour on the line.
	Hello?
	Hey.
	Hey, this is Drew.
	This is a germ.
	Are you Darby Crash?
	No, no, no.
	Sorry.
	First time call.
	I just wanted to say first time carer.
	Yeah, I know.
	I was going to say that, actually.
	Oh, okay.
	I just wanted to say it resonated with that, you know, the power.
	You know, when you're with a girl, like, you can, you know, there's something better than essentially if you're at a party and this girl goes to your bed and then you essentially.
	What happened to you, sir?
	We lost you, sir.
	By the way, for the record, and thanks for calling.
	You're done, your call.
	I bet women are the same, too.
	Women will go home with a guy that really wants them.
	They'll be kind of drunk and they'll just want...
	She's not interested in him.
	It's not her type.
	He looks like me and she wants like a handsome dude.
	But she knows that I'm super into her.
	Actually, I know a girl like this.
	I would make out with her and fireworks would go off.
	It was fucking, and I wasn't that into her personality or anything, but god damn it.
	Every kiss was like a blowjob.
	And I'm not exaggerating.
	I haven't experienced it since.
	No offense, my wife.
	And I don't think she liked me, but she would see myself having a heart attack every time we kissed.
	And I think she enjoyed the power trip.
	Dude, you want to know something crazy?
	That's the same chick who said, Gavin, when you leave, don't tell anyone.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	Wait, what?
	Yep.
	So even come up twice.
	It doesn't make sense.
	And I've never thought of her since Montreal days in the early 90s.
	And she's come up twice this episode.
	Total coincidence.
	You were her guilty pleasure.
	Blake is on the line.
	Does CBS not run commercials?
	I got a long-ass segment here with a little Star Wars man.
	Wait a minute.
	Maybe you're watching it through the internet, so it's like internet streaming.
	What other people are seeing?
	I look so gorgeous since my hair cut there.
	It's breathtaking.
	Hey, fuck.
	How are we doing?
	What's going on, fuck?
	Dude, so I was born in 1995.
	I was born in Carrie, Careti, care.
	So I just mentioned 1995 because that's technically, you know, like millennial generation.
	I think that my generation is the shittiest to ever be fucking born, dude.
	I mean, I see on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all these motherfuckers talking about, oh, 2020 was the worst fucking time to be alive.
	It was COVID fucking bullshit.
	It's like, no, bitch, if you think about it, back in, you know, the 1800s, you didn't have to fucking say, okay, goodbye, kids.
	I'm going, you know, 700 fucking thousand miles away to get a cup of fucking sugar.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, dude, we're.
	Dude, like 1930.
	If you're 12 years old in Sicily in 1930, people go, what are you doing, dude?
	Why are you still around?
	Fucking go get a job.
	Go get a life.
	And so they would like get on a boat and go to New York City.
	They'd work on the boat and then cut haircuts in the streets on the Bowery at the age of 13 after traveling for a year to get from Italy.
	And now we're like, I can't have screen time.
	Yeah, I think you're right.
	But I will say about millennials and especially Zoomers, they seem to be getting pretty woke, especially about education and stuff and realizing that they're being lied to.
	Sometimes the complaints will be false.
	They seem more skeptical than us.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I'm just, I'm tired of my generation complaining when all they've fucking got to do this past entire fucking year in 2020 is sit around and play fucking video games inside and they talk about, oh, social distancing, I have to be inside.
	Yeah, well, guess what?
	You still had power.
	You still had fucking food.
	You still had water because guess what?
	We live in the best motherfucking time in history of all humanity.
	So suck it the fuck up.
	Nobody fucking cares.
	I'm over it.
	Yes, thank you for calling.
	It reminds me of Tucker talking about that chick, Taylor Lorenz, the New York Times journalist.
	And she goes, getting doxxed and being attacked ruined my life.
	And he goes, she clearly has one of the best lives in the world.
	Taylor Lorenz is a tech, whatever, pop culture reporter for the New York Times.
	She looks like she's like 27.
	She has no experience.
	Her experience does not constitute a New York Times position the way it would in the 60s and 70s.
	She's a five that you fucked and stopped calling back.
	When you have a spare and a pair, she's the spare.
	And she's had the worst.
	Her life has been ruined by people like me making fun of her.
	Dude, your life has been ruined by your dentist's lack of ambition.
	Although I will say, when you look back on the chicks you used to fuck, you don't remember the eights.
	You remember the Taylors.
	Those are the ones that you remember.
	Boy, she's not shy about those gums.
	Taylor Lorenz, most likely to get fucked, discarded, and remembered.
	Solid.
	So, yeah, like Taylor's, Tucker's in big shit.
	We'll talk about this tomorrow.
	Tucker's in big shit for showing her face, even though it's all over the internet.
	And she clearly has no right to complain.
	She has a wonderful life.
	Megan Markle, believe it or not, has a wonderful life.
	Oh, she doesn't smile like that anymore.
	Like I've seen Google.
	Charlie Kirk is like that too.
	You know, it's Charlie Kirk after everyone made fun of his weird little face with his funny teeth.
	And I love Charlie Kirk.
	But he's not very sexy to look at.
	And now in photos where he's smiling, he's like, I think I did notice that.
	Are there no commercials on CBS?
	When I watch TV, I fucking, there we go.
	Those are the old days.
	He doesn't do that anymore.
	Some people think that when he was the Predator, that that made his career.
	And the turning point shit doesn't mean anything.
	Predator was one movie.
	Okay?
	And those weren't even his dreads.
	What little sound do they make?
	Crack!
	Something like that, yeah.
	Ask him.
	I've got my chart here.
	I'm all ready to go, CBS.
	True.
	Yeah, it's been a while since a commercial.
	I know it's been crazy.
	We have a 909 number on it.
	Something right.
	909 round.
	Gucci gang.
	Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang.
	Gucci gang.
	Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang.
	I'm back, dude.
	I'm back.
	But this is the first time I'm calling in sober, so I don't know if the words are going to come out good.
	You're back.
	Do it, bro.
	Hey, Gav.
	Following up on your advice you gave me, I guess, a month ago, about keeping it mellow when it comes to the art world stuff, you know, trying to get a business rather.
	So update, quick update.
	So I didn't just say keep it mellow.
	I said keep it weird.
	Like, don't let anyone know if you're right or left.
	Right, right.
	Well, here's the thing.
	And I want to kind of just quick update.
	You know, there's that new Clubhouse app, and I went in there to kind of test the waters to see how far I could start pushing it.
	And like, if I had to be vocal at all.
	And, you know, these people don't play ball whatsoever.
	It's crazy.
	They say they admire outsiders.
	They say they admire the underdogs.
	But as soon as you throw any wrench into their quote-unquote status quo, whatever that is, they fucking, they're wet robots, man.
	They can't handle shit.
	So it's like, it's like a strange thing.
	I don't know.
	I guess, what are your thoughts?
	Like, I mean, if you want to make any good work, it's going to be controversial.
	And I hope, I don't know, I get a chance at it.
	Yeah, well, thanks for calling.
	We already talked to you, and you know, just keep it weird.
	But I have noticed when I check, you be mom, Y-O-U-B-E-M-O-M.
	And you look at, Reddit is also guilty of this, but you look at someone who's like, hi, I'm married a guy.
	We love each other.
	Everything is fucking awesome.
	He's a great dad, but he likes Trump.
	And then all the comments are like, divorce him now, fucking stab him, kill his mother, burn his parents alive in a deep fryer.
	Like, just no, no, I can never remember this phrase.
	Not cutting him any slack, no discourse, no quarter.
	Yeah, I think that's the term, no quarter.
	But look, if you put in Trump into Ubi Mom, is there a search thing?
	Just put in Trump, and you'll see like the most vitriol.
	What does it say?
	DeSantis just implemented a major...
	I can't read it, Ryan.
	You're too zoomed in.
	DeSantis just implemented a major civil rights measure, folks.
	Democrats who think he can't win in 2024 are seriously underestimating him.
	The civil rights policy, click more.
	Civil rights policy.
	Click more.
	It's at the top.
	He's also supporting medical marijuana, blah, blah, blah.
	So it's possible this is a pro-Trump person on Ubi Mom, which doesn't help my argument.
	Okay.
	The next Trump won't be a complete idiot and will win.
	I totally agree with this.
	I totally disagree.
	I do not disagree.
	That's DeSantis.
	He's popular with the base while passing surprisingly moderate and patrols should find a way to dismiss this.
	The policy overturn was a rickshaw.
	Thanks.
	His COVID vaccine scandal isn't going well.
	And they just canceled a bunch of clinics in one city.
	Wait, Ron DeSantis has a COVID vaccine scandal?
	Or maybe they're talking about Trump.
	Where it was given to rich white donors.
	I think this post, it's hard to speak.
	I don't truly speak housewife, but I think they might be saying, yes, it is possible these fuckers will win.
	And that's horrible.
	Why don't you just go Trump supporter?
	Or husband Trump supporter?
	I was going to put in divorce and see how many people were like, no, divorce that motherfucker.
	Trump supporter, Ryan.
	Supporter.
	Single supporter.
	Biden visited Trump.
	Supporter Bob Dole.
	DF's ML just died in Texas.
	Wait, go back.
	That's a good one.
	So DF, I think that's dear friend.
	Dear friend's mother-in-law just died in Texas.
	No power and quite sick to begin with.
	True Trump supporter blame Dem.
	AOC's fault, I bet.
	What the what?
	Why are the Democrats responsible?
	Didn't you hear it?
	Blah, blah, blah.
	Wait, she hates the government.
	What was her reasoning?
	Blaming wine turbines.
	Yeah, I mean, these fucking women are a nightmare.
	But they'll just basically tell you, like, just divorce your husband because he's a Trump supporter or whatever.
	Yeah, it's hard to find evidence of that allegation totally off the dome, but I promise you it's there.
	Wait, is this commercials?
	These are the things that are.
	This looks like a segment.
	Why is it the one day I say I want to analyze mainstream commercials, CBS decides to stop airing commercials?
	Yes.
	Excellent.
	That's the worst beard ever.
	Hi, this is Congresswoman Katie Porter.
	Hi, this is Adam Yamaguchi with CBS.
	Okay, you should have my channel.
	Nothing wrong with that.
	And do you see me now?
	I do.
	I'm disappointed.
	Well, thank you so much for taking the time.
	I was hoping you'd be black.
	This is sort of actually the opposite.
	I'm actually in a park right now.
	Your cheeks are very intense.
	Your cheekbones are alarming.
	You look like someone that's trying to draw a Japanese person who can't draw very well.
	People who work in jobs that have in recent years.
	Boring.
	All right, next guy.
	You dress like you're in a Netflix action movie.
	We have who on the line?
	Steve.
	Steve.
	Talking about Brooks.
	Smash the subscribe.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Hello.
	Hey, Gav.
	Yeah.
	I'm well aware of your trope that fiction is for fags.
	And I'm in total agreement with you.
	Most fiction is for fags.
	But what do you think about the classics like Mark Twain, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy?
	All those are, I don't know how to explain it, but those have a lot of knowledge in it that isn't just, you know, from someone's mind.
	They're pretty deep works of fiction, you know?
	Yeah, they're based on reality.
	I mean, yeah, it's good to get the classics under your belt, especially as a young man.
	And I read the brothers Karamatsov for so long that it started to turn into...
	It started to turn into a sphere.
	Like, it was bending, and I had trouble with all those fucking names.
	Ratsimalazov.
	Exactly.
	Dimitri Kamarazov.
	I wish they had like a table at the back where they had like, Doratsi Matsaralazov.
	He's the long bearded guy who ate his dad.
	And you'd be like, oh yeah, I get it.
	We haven't seen him for a while.
	Spoiler alert.
	Like with little pictures and stuff.
	Oh, sorry.
	I have a good way to approach that is if you read the book with the audiobook, it makes it a little bit easier to follow along.
	That sounds kind of Helen Keller retarded.
	I couldn't hear you.
	What's up?
	That sounds like Helen Keller retard shit.
	But yeah, but enough to get you on the right track, and then you can get away from the audiobook and then start reading it.
	I said that to my dad once, and he goes, What you're doing is you're trying to read the words.
	You need to look at these names as shapes and not try to pronounce them.
	Just see them as shapes.
	What the fuck are you talking about?
	No, I'm not going to see a word as a shape, you weirdo.
	But yeah, I think you should get the classics under your belt.
	Oh, sorry.
	But then, you know, you get to be like 35, 30 even, and your time is valuable.
	Time.
	So you need to get information.
	Like, look at these books here.
	Michelle Malkin, who built that?
	Answer me, all four issues, how the Scots Invented the Modern World.
	Chuck Cito, Street Justice.
	Like, you read Breakthrough by James O'Keefe, and you're like two years smarter than you were when you started.
	There's just too much information in fiction.
	And the beauty of Breakthrough by James O'Keefe is it reads like fiction.
	Like he starts out, he's in prison, and I'm wearing the orange overalls, and I'm fucking trying to eat a cheese sandwich.
	Any Thomas Sowell or Charles Murray, too?
	Like, that should just be start with the Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, and then go to Coming Apart, whatever it's called, the Falling Apart white book.
	And Jesus, you'll be fucking smart.
	That's why I like hanging out with ex-cons because they've read way more than anyone else in the bar.
	Thanks for calling.
	Also, Southerners.
	Southerners are so stupid.
	Every time I meet a Southerner, he spent the summer reading because it's so fucking hot.
	Wait, commercials?
	No, is this another show?
	This is the show.
	This is on NBC now.
	They're going to have lots of commercials for this shit.
	Dude, we're done the show in five minutes, and we've had one, two, three, four, five, six commercials.
	And when I watch TV at home and I haven't DVR'd it, I'm drowning in commercials.
	Okay.
	Brett.
	Yo, Roy, Dave, what you throwing?
	Tomakabel.
	Who's got a bag?
	I wanted to show you this cat from my hometown.
	I sent Ryan an email.
	It's titled Call In.
	All right.
	Thanks for calling.
	We'll check it out.
	I'm guessing the odds of this sucking are one in two.
	Brett, right?
	It'll be a brand new email from you.
	I got a couple that say call in.
	Do you have more than one email that says call in?
	Yeah, but this is the only one in the video.
	Wait, this isn't.
	Game boring.
	Thanks for wasting our time.
	Next call.
	God.
	This is like the guy in that sports show goes, I would be remiss if I didn't wish my best friend a happy birthday.
	I mean, sorry.
	Congratulations for getting married.
	We've got, what's his name?
	Eddie.
	Eddie.
	Hello, buddy.
	You're right, Eddie.
	How's it going, fags?
	Good, weird accent guy.
	Well, no, I was just calling to say, did you guys know that if you say the F word on parlor, now you get a community guidelines violation?
	No, I called Milo a faggot on parlor tonight.
	I noticed that as I clicked submit, the word sensitive appeared.
	Well, I called you a fag for being late for the fucking show.
	Dude, I think I started the show at 9.01.
	Did I not start the show at 9.01?
	It was 9.01, yeah.
	Somewhere in there.
	No, like me, me and a few other people on Parlor, me and a few other people on Parlo, as soon as I clicked on the app, as soon as I clicked on live show, at 8 o'clock my time.
	It dropped out, right?
	It did not.
	Okay, so at 8.01 your time, we were live and functioning.
	At 8.20 my time, you were not live, and it kept saying, we're not live right now.
	Milo and I, check out Milo and I, check out the schedule, blah, blah, blah.
	You know, I was like, fuck.
	For a few minutes.
	Ryan, that's fucked up.
	If people were...
	I was one minute late.
	You said you buffered it by putting something up live, and now people are not seeing shit for 20 minutes?
	The buffering thing had nothing to do with it.
	Okay.
	But yeah, yeah, it dropped out somewhere, and Tony let me know.
	He said, hey, the stream's not up right now.
	So then I just.
	Oh, okay.
	So it's nothing to do with me being late.
	No, no, you were not.
	No, the stream failed, sir.
	Anyway, sorry about that.
	Thank you for calling.
	The replay will be perfect.
	That's fucked up, though, that you can't say fuck on Parlor.
	Or fag.
	You can say fuck, but not fag.
	Who's got the bag?
	The cule.
	Next.
	You're on the line talking about the...
	Don't know commercials.
	You sound like you're being murdered inside an orange, inside a plastic bag, in a sewer.
	In a bag.
	So who's got the bag?
	The person murdering you.
	He said fuck, by the way, not fag.
	I don't know if you have ear holes on the sides of your head.
	I'm 100% to 20% sure he said fag.
	That's a lot of percent.
	Pretty sure he said fucking.
	The cure, dude.
	You're online.
	530?
	Hey.
	Hello.
	Chillo.
	Hello, chillo.
	You've got a bass.
	Hi.
	Yes.
	Hi.
	So I think, Gavin, I think you're the king of hot takes.
	But yesterday you said something interesting.
	You said something about people making pop songs as a joke about the cure.
	Can you elaborate on that?
	Okay, I heard it in a cure interview with Robert Smith about 20 years ago.
	And he said, yeah, we were experimenting and we were playing with music.
	And I started making songs that was sort of making fun of pop music.
	I don't know, just sort of immersing myself in the parody of it all.
	And those songs seemed to do really well.
	And then I thought, I thought, why not pursue this then?
	And it just, it took off.
	So it was sort of a mockery of what was pop music at the time.
	And it became who we are.
	So it's not my take, it's Robert Smith's take.
	Are you someone half my age telling me I'm dumb?
	No, no, no.
	That's interesting.
	I didn't realize that.
	Well, yeah, when I have hot takes, dude, I don't just pull them out of my ass.
	I understand that.
	I'm a huge fan.
	I just thought that that sounded a little weird considering their entire career was like a pop career.
	Right.
	It's not weird Al Gankovic levels, but it is tongue-in-cheek in a sense.
	I mean, it's pretty, it's, I mean, it's pretty straightforward.
	Pop music.
	I mean.
	Yeah, it is.
	Okay, thanks for calling.
	All right, so that's vegan, and it's a white female cover girl.
	Now it's got a house of a bunch of shit.
	Okay, so what's this?
	Indian dad?
	This is an Indian dad.
	Okay, this is hard.
	These ones are big Asian, big, strong man, little woman.
	Yeah, this is interracial.
	This is all blacks.
	Like, whites are definitely a minority here, but I need a pause button to make this work.
	Look, interracial couple.
	Yes.
	White female, black male.
	And what was that?
	Screwdriver.
	That was Lowe's.
	Or Drill.
	Oh, it was an ad for the Nazi band Screwdriver?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	It's an ad for a show.
	I don't know if we should count that.
	It's very black, though.
	I won't count ads for shows.
	Chicago PD.
	Chicago Paja.
	Chicago Pati PD North Chicago PD.
	Oh, that guy's so annoying, isn't he?
	James Spader, yeah.
	James Spader.
	Wow.
	Imagine James Spader was your brother.
	He's not like that, you guys.
	Then we'd have to be like Ed Spader.
	Okay, the next one.
	Please be a normal commercial.
	Ah, fuck.
	For New York or some shit.
	Four skinned New York, more like.
	All right, last call.
	Joe.
	What's up, Joel?
	Hey, guys.
	Hey, man.
	Hey, so a few episodes ago, you mentioned people hiding behind cars, right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, well, you said that a car can't go through two car doors.
	That's technically not true.
	So.
	Please fuck up.
	Okay, I don't know where you're getting this from, but I've been talking to people in law enforcement and criminals.
	And their contention is hiding behind a car is nothing.
	You're going to get shot.
	Your only hope is the wheel will.
	Again, I didn't pull that out of my ass.
	You said a car will go through two car doors.
	Yeah.
	Doesn't seem possible.
	You did say that.
	I was in the most bullish.
	What a hot take of yours.
	Touche.
	Jeesh.
	You got me, sir.
	A car cannot go through car doors.
	That's correct.
	If I had any brains, I would have said a bullet.
	But I'm dumb.
	Thank you for calling.
	And thank you for getting fired, getting in trouble, being brave, and never stopping fighting.
	Good God, who's got the bag?
	The herds of the goons.
	The blur of perfume.
	Reverse off the tune.
	Birding off too tune.
	Smurder is loose.
	Hurts for the views.
	Chirping and crooning now.
	The burden and perfume.

▲