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Dec. 10, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
02:06:54
GOML LIVE #77 - TEENAGE HEAD
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You just fucking do you understand?
I'm the garbage man.
What a fucking great band that was.
Every time I hear them, I remember that when we did a feature of them in Vice in like the mid-90s, I made the headline, The Gramps.
What a fucking stupid shithead 25-year-old I was.
I thought I would try something new today.
Let's try to do a typical get off my lawn show, minus the green screen, and an interview, and do like the mailbag and all that shit, all the sections in half an hour.
And then peace out the freebie part and continue our shiznit.
So we'll have a final video at 9.30.
The subscribers still have another hour and a half to party.
And we do them.
How are you doing, by the way?
You don't seem to be partying very hard.
No.
Speaking of the cramps, I think I got the cramps or something.
Well, you got to show yourself when you're talking.
So what's happening there?
Darkness?
I look like the dark boy.
You got some stomach problems?
Yeah, my stomach burns.
Yeah, you made a pot of coffee at 5 p.m.
I told you not to do that.
True.
Vincent, a friend sent pizza.
You're a great person.
I appreciate it.
Do you have your own talk show?
No.
I produce a show, but I don't talk much.
Stomach hurts.
That was great.
Way to get the ball rolling.
The Cramps were like a psychobilly band where rockabilly and punk had an affair, and it became really big in Britain.
Psychobillies were everywhere.
They had pompadours that went out like this big, but it never really caught on in the States.
I don't know why.
I think one of them's dead now.
But they were the real deal.
They were not fucking around.
And that album, Bad Music for Bad People, has to be heard to be believed.
It's a masterpiece.
Sounds like a greatest hits album.
What was I talking about, the Gramps?
Fuck me.
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They don't have the pot.
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Right, which I guess is the same thing, similar.
But like she smokes non-THC pot and gets a buzz.
And she showed me some and I smelled it and it smelt like weed.
So this might, like, I get the deal with the gummies is you sort of have a pot buzz without the pot buzz, which is probably what we were smoking in the 80s.
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Fun dudes.
Okay, so we got the song.
We see we talk about our songs every intro, so we don't have to pay for them.
We call it editorial.
Here's a book.
Today's book is called Hell.
Separate truth from fiction and get your toughest questions answered.
Now, I can be a Christian, God-fearing man, and still laugh my head off at this book.
Bill Weiss went to hell.
I guess he was sick or something, and he was dead for a couple minutes, and he went to hell.
And I realized, so I bought this at the airport going, I want to hear what it's like.
And the whole time I'm reading this, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How does God warn us?
What roads lead to hell?
God is not to blame.
The choice is yours.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I fucking get to hell, please?
I want to get to hell.
I want to hear the descriptions.
Like, is it a lake of fire?
This is, he doesn't get into it much in this book because it's his second book.
He's written two books on going to hell.
Might this person be a scam artist?
Now, like 500 fucking, like literally 278 pages into it, you hear that there's a long, long sort of underground highway of people just walking and it's on fire and it's hot.
And then eventually they come to this cliff and they try to turn back, but they can't because the mob is moving forward.
So they slowly topple off into this big lake of fire.
That's all I could get out of this whole thing.
But yeah, it's a fucking ripoff.
Do not buy this book.
New York Times best-selling author of 23 Minutes in Hell.
Yeah, that was the first one.
He went to hell for 23 minutes.
Imagine the PTSD you'd have.
Imagine if you were a pee, right?
And you were eaten by a guy and you go through his entrails all around.
Then you come out in the toilet.
I had an explosive diarrhea today and there was garden peas in it.
And as I'm flushing those peas that had just survived this and all the alcohol and stuff in there, I thought, now he's got to go on a whole other ride.
And guess what he has when he eventually ends up back in the Atlantic Ocean?
PTSD.
Oh, so lucky that is a lucky bird.
Anyway, I like buying.
I realized the other day I like shitty writing.
So I enjoyed that book.
And I enjoyed hearing his hustle and how serious he was and wondering about the scam and does he believe it?
That kind of stuff.
That's fun to me.
And this book I'm reading now, The Blue Chameleon, Daryl Cinquenta, it's kind of an awkwardly written book.
You can tell he sort of dictated it to a guy.
And this is no Kierkegaard.
This is no taming of the shrew.
First guy to get the vaccine is named Bill Shakespeare.
Boring story, who cares?
But I like that.
I don't know.
It's more authentic.
I've read enough good writing in my day.
I don't need everyone to be fucking Charles Bukowski.
Oh, wow.
This half hour really zips by.
Where'd my fucking notes go?
I'm going to try to stop swearing so much in these shows.
I saw an honest thief last night.
I kind of got in trouble with the missus.
There's a thing when you're married, when you're waiting for a good movie that you both like, and we both like Liam Neeson.
She actually calls him Liam Nisan because she had this mulatto roommate in college who hated white people.
And then my wife discovered that this woman was obsessed with Liam Neeson.
And she goes, I notice you keep watching Liam Neeson movies.
Do you like him?
And she goes, what?
I don't, who?
Liam Nisan?
So that's a running joke now.
We call him that.
It rocks.
I don't know why it's getting bad reviews.
It is so good.
It's about a thief, a bank robber who falls in love and decides to give all the money back.
But then the cops decide, actually, why don't we just steal the money?
And then they try to frame him.
This is my favorite kind of movie.
Guys who were framed, and they have to get the guys who killed them and prove their innocence.
It's not remotely original.
You know, we've got Harrison Ford doing all this shit, but it's fucking fun.
Which means I need a full confession from you.
Five.
Four.
It's an on-demand starting last night.
Anyway, my wife and I like this guy.
Especially I've got a certain set of skills.
But she's like, can you just wait till Friday?
I'm exhausted now.
And I was like, nah.
I don't want to.
I don't want to wait.
Last night was Tuesday night.
I don't want to wait Wednesday.
I've been waiting for this for weeks.
I consider going to the theater alone because it was playing nearby.
Is that bad?
Have I sinned?
I probably could have got laid on Friday because I have some pot.
So I kind of pulled it out there as a surprise.
But then, you know, you do something like that, you wait, and then the kids finally go to bed and she's like, I'm sorry, I am so beat.
We finally got the kids down.
It's 10 o'clock.
So, no.
I had movie infidelity last night.
It's a sin, but I did it.
I'll keep you posted.
I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you if there was an opening on Friday for us to watch a movie, and I'll tell you if I blew it.
I bet I didn't.
Uh-oh.
Emergencies?
I forget who that is.
Ryan, I'm realizing now you're right.
That KFC movie is a joke.
Yes.
Colonel Sanders is a funny character.
The thing that threw me off is everyone reporting on it so seriously and not getting the joke.
And it's on Lifetime.
And it's on Lifetime.
So Lifetime's taking the piss out of themselves.
Yeah.
Lifetime is mocking Lifetime movies.
There's a Steam game, which is a dating sim.
What do you do?
You try to earn Colonel Sanders' love, I believe.
The dating simulator.
I'm so disappointed in American youth that they give a shit about Japani Mei, which is for little Japanese children.
And now it's become an adult thing.
It's this infantilization of not just Western men, but Japanese men, men all over the world.
You know, all these politics like fuck Trump and you can't just be non-racist.
You have to be anti-racist.
All that dogma.
Trans people are real people.
And well, they are real people.
I had all those beliefs when I was 16.
And now you see 36, 46-year-olds with this kind of attitude.
And you just go, why is my adolescence the norm today?
It's disturbing.
But yeah, Lifetime is taking the piss out of themselves because they are funny, I guess.
Like, aren't you kind of making fun of your fans now?
Maybe it's like a good publicity for them, too.
I don't know, you know, I don't know if they're branching out.
They're probably not getting a lot of like new demographic.
So now they do Lifetime movie parodies just to make fun of Lifetime.
Let's give it a shot.
Okay, let's start the show with a Proud Boys segment.
So pull up the Proud Boys thingam and doodle.
Ooh.
And keto.
This is what we do, folks.
We have these little interstitials.
Start fights.
Finish them.
Proud of your boy.
I'll make you proud of your boy.
The speaker sounds really quiet.
Proud boys, stand back and stand by.
I don't care.
I don't mind.
No, it sounds good in the mix.
Okay.
But for the call, there's shit.
Probably turn it up for the calls.
So my alma mater vice, they're these sad cucks.
There's this genre of journal activists.
They're beta males.
They talk fanatically about right-wing patriots with testosterone.
They don't talk about the Aryan nations, but anyone who they deem as a Trump supporter who doesn't agree with them and maybe fucks too much, they obsessively comb through these people like me,
people like, they comb through my social media, try to find a transgression.
I call them the pussy patrol because they're pussies on patrol, patrolling the right.
And they don't get laid.
So this is a guy writing about these people.
Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnis, radical left eternalist of blame for domestic terrorism, not Patriots.
So scroll down.
So Weiss has this guy, for some, joining the Proud Boys was a stop on the way to neo-Nazi terror.
So someone approaches the group.
They say, hey, I'm a Nazi.
I'd like to join your group.
They say, fuck you.
And then that guy goes to a Nazi group.
Now this group is a gateway drug.
And the irony of that is, no, it's you, Cuck McGee.
It's you, Andy Campbell.
It's you, Ben.
Who's this guy?
Click on the Proud Boy's lawyer wanted to be a Nazi terrorist.
Ben MacGutch.
Mac Lemoureux.
It's these two Canadian dwarfs who don't get laid, and they obsessively follow people that won't beat them up.
They know I won't beat them up.
I'm a family man.
Well, if there's a risk of me getting caught, I won't.
You know, they never report on the Aryan nations.
Or when they're talking about hate, they totally ignore the black Hebrew Israelites.
And the Covenant Catholic school thing was a great example of that.
They had the black Hebrew Israelites pick a fight with these Catholic school kids.
And then the Catholics, everyone started swarming on the Catholic school kids.
And then they started the tape with the Indian going bong, bong, bong.
That was the black Hebrew Israelites.
BHI, as they're called, have been murdering Jews all over New York State and New Jersey.
Isn't that hate?
Where's your hate watch?
Nation of Islam, Farrakhan, talking about how Jews are termites.
They need to be exterminated.
No mention of that.
And I was thinking of the guy they're talking about there, the lawyer.
I knew him well.
And he just got hammered and hammered and hammered by Antifa.
They harassed his parents.
They got his law license revoked.
They kept terrorizing him and terrorizing him and calling him a Nazi and fucking with his life and coming to his house and vandalizing his truck.
And they just kept antagonizing him.
And one day he snapped.
And he went, yeah, now I am that monster.
And I want to kill all of you.
That's what happened to Paul Miller, the guy who got the journalist that got attacked from the Metro Club.
He got like extreme.
And now he's like a meme.
He dresses like the Joker and he's pretty far right.
Oh, really?
Or that other guy, I was going to say Joy Villa.
What's his name?
Oh, oh, Jovie Val.
Jovi Val.
He wears an actual swastika around his neck.
And he was bottled in the face for wearing a Trump hat.
So I could take the abuse, but some people don't.
Some people snap.
In other words, you were the gateway drug, my friend.
Antifa, the radical left, constantly harassing these people.
Some of them snap and become the monster they're being accused of.
And this is both with the extreme Antifa left who bottled Jovi's face, cut his face up.
He had to have plastic surgery to look normal.
But it's also with these journalists who are constantly like, you're a Nazi, that was racist.
And not just what you just did, but your country, your history, everything about you, Western male, is evil.
It's all slavery.
Everything is bad.
America sucks.
And eventually that radicalizes people.
And they go, you know what?
If me existing and not being ashamed of myself is to be a Nazi, then I'm a Nazi.
Now, the beauty of the Proud Boys is we say, no, no, no, that's not the ultimatum.
The Pussy Patrol is giving you a ridiculous ultimatum.
They're just sad vol cells, voluntarily celibate, who resent masculinity, resent patriotism, resent pride.
So they want you to be on this cuck nerd pussy thing, right?
This wimp thing.
It's revenge of the hurt.
And when you don't go that way, they want to punish you.
So just ignore them, first of all.
Let the dogs yap and come over here.
You cannot be ashamed of yourself, but also not be a radical.
It's not far right or hate yourself.
It's proud boys.
You don't have to hate yourself.
So the irony of these pussy patrol cuck journalists saying we are radicalizing people is we are doing the opposite.
They are radicalizing people.
If you're looking for the catalyst to the extreme right, then look in the mirror.
There's also feds going in there and saying we should kidnap the governor and some sad 20-year-olds have been abused by these dumb assholes by the pussy patrol.
They go, yeah, we should.
And the next thing you know, they've been entrapped into some stupid plot.
And that then justifies the pussy patrol's articles.
One of the silliest ones is this loser dwarf Andy Campbell.
He looks like the sloth from Ice Age.
You know that Ice Story thing?
Yeah.
What's his name again?
Sid.
Sid.
He looks like Sid the sloth.
Of course you know.
Right out of the gate.
Yeah, I grew up with that movie.
When I was 14.
Yeah, 14-year-olds.
That's what I was doing when I was 14.
I wasn't smoking pot in the back of a Chevy Nova, feeling up Donna DeLeva.
I was going to infants' movies.
I was smoking and touching.
Smoking and touching.
Okay, 02.
So this article was going around about how proud boys radicalized people.
And then this pussy, look, he spells my name wrong, so it won't come up on a search.
But this is supposed to be proof that I am the root of all evil.
Look at this wimp tattletale.
So click on the first picture.
I barely remember writing this.
It was 15 years ago.
So I'm talking about the first night you fuck, I think.
And I'm saying you have to Blow her mind, try Adderall, it makes you want to eat her ass, blah, blah, blah.
And then I say, once you have the go-ahead, so consent, do everything short of rape, almost scare the shit out of her.
And the reason that he's highlighting that is he's such a loser virgin that that's never occurred to him.
Rough sex, dangerous sex.
It will never happen to him.
And then he has this piece of evidence of a horrible thing I've done.
If you're any kind of race at all, you'd be stupid not to play the race card.
A great mulatto trick.
Oh, I guess he's mad I used the word mulatto.
Is to go up to the white girl and ask her what her parents would think about you two going out.
Girls love the idea of torturing their Archie Bunker fathers, and there's no reason why you shouldn't get your cut of that.
So I'm encouraging black dudes.
I'm actually disappointed that this is such a cuck thing.
But I'm realizing now this guy is so sensitive that he sees the word mulatto and then tunes out the content.
It's like the 10 things I hate about the Jews or a video that was pro-Zionist.
Anyway, I steal Derek Beckles' trick in that article and I say, because I would see him do this.
He'd put his arm next to her arm and he's like a light-skinned black and he'd go, what do you think our babies will look like?
And I saw it raking a lot of pussy for that guy.
So I put it in the guide with a rude word.
Rude word.
They used rude words.
Hey, dudes.
It's like when I went up to Will Summer, why don't you do anything on the Aryan nations?
That's a hate group.
And they're white.
You only seem worried about white hate.
Everyone has their beat.
And I said, no, Will, it's because you're a fucking pussy.
He's about this tall.
And he goes, we're done here and scatters away.
He flitted away.
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I'm not really sticking to this 9.30 plan, am I?
I've got too much to say, yo.
I've got some heavy juice coming your ways, boys.
A tsunami.
Ezra Levant has uncovered an incredible scoop.
But before we get to that heavy news, let's keep silly for a second here.
And speaking of cock journalists, remember David Shortel, our favorite guy?
We went to Roger Stone's trial, and then we were, Milo and I were carrying signs.
It said, David Shortel, stakeout king.
David Shortel was the guy who said, I have a feeling they're going to bust Roger Stone.
So I'm going to stay at a hotel the night before, not sleep in front of his house, stay at a hotel.
Arrive at Roger Stone's house at 5 a.m.
And then the bust will probably happen soon after that.
Well, it did, Dave.
It happened at 5.15 a.m.
So your stakeout was 15 minutes.
That's got to be a world record, my friend.
And obviously everyone went, well, no, stakeouts are never 15 minutes.
You're clearly tipped off by the FBI.
CNN stuck with their lie and they went, no.
Then they have David come on.
He's a child, by the way.
He must be 25 years old.
And they go, your journalistic instincts are incredible.
How did you know that they were going to bust him?
Meanwhile, CNN knows how they know.
The FBI told him.
And he goes, I just, I mean, they weren't having a meeting on Friday, so I figured they were busy.
And then I thought, well, they're probably doing the bust that day.
And then I went down Thursday night and you didn't tell me to go there.
I went on my own volition, and the FBI didn't tell CNN.
So we kept mocking him, kept mocking him.
Because I always called him the errant thread.
He's the errant thread that unravels the whole sweater.
Because once you realize that stakeouts aren't 15 minutes, then you realize the FBI told the CNN, told CNN, then you realize that the big, deep state is in cahoots with the media.
They're all one big monster.
And then you realize that we're losing our democracy because the media is a PR firm that works for the DNC.
And Antifa is their paramilitary wing.
These groups are supposed to be distinct.
They aren't.
And David Shortel personifies that hole in the plot.
So I look him up the other day because in the movie An Honest Thief, they have, no, it's just called Honest Thief.
In the movie Honest Thief, they have a fed who's doing a stakeout and he's eating a hot dog and feeding his dog, a hot dog, which is cannibalism.
And you can tell that he's been in the car for like 30 hours.
Go, that's a stakeout.
Not 15 minutes.
Don't sleep at a hotel the night before an early morning bust.
But anyway, he's in Mexico now.
Reporter based in Mexico City.
Can we move that over?
I can't see it.
Former crime and justice reporter for CNN.
David, you had the scoop of the century.
You had the best journalistic instincts and now you're in Mexico?
Are you being swept under the rug?
Were you fired and now you're hiding?
Did the FBI pay you...
What do you think they could get away with?
$120,000 to fuck off and shut up?
His email's there.
I'd love to get him on the show.
Maybe you could email him and say, hello, Iran Rivera.
Can you come on my show?
We're doing a thing on great journalists who live in Mexico.
I could do that.
Yeah.
And then, oh my God, wouldn't that be fun?
See, that was the old days.
You could have controversial things.
You could ambush people.
You could have fights.
I'm looking, we've been making these commercials for Katie Hopkins, who is on censor.tv now.
And I was watching her old shows where she's like, I try to find the best in people, darling, but it's rarely there.
And all these great quotes, oh, you're fat and you're lazy, be honest.
And I thought, before like 2012, 2013 around, you could be bombastic and outrageous.
I mean, I was on Fox telling Tamara she'd be much happier at home.
Remember those days?
And then I think social media really, big tech really pushed the bubble, obviously big, very bigly after Trump.
And what that did was it sort of made These little individual bubbles where we're not ragging on each other anymore because everyone thinks the same way you do.
And so now we have these little segregated different sections.
It's almost like the Amish and the Hasidic Jews and the hipsters, and they all don't speak to each other.
They won't call me back.
Like, you wouldn't believe who's X'd me, like my friend's nanny.
I'm like, we've never discussed any of this shit.
And now you're using it on his grounds to not reply.
So when you take that away, people become mentally obese and they can't work out.
They don't have muscles up there.
So they can't break each other's balls.
So now Katie, when she's like, oh, fuck off, it would be normal barroom talk and you're used to it.
Now when she says something like, you're fat, you're lazy, you go, and you have a heart attack.
Like at the gym, we're constantly shitting on each other.
Huey comes in the other day and he just had a helmet on.
So his hair's all messy.
And Gary goes, you got low pressure, low water pressure in your apartment?
And he goes, why?
What do you mean?
Your hair's fuzzy.
It looks very fuzzy.
It looks like an animal's hair.
That's hilarious.
I mean, that's not exactly breaking his balls, but you get the idea of the general gist.
And we've lost that.
And now the Tattletale Pussy Patrol, they feel like they have some authority now.
Because instead of arguing, we tattle on each other and get people canceled and slap the wrist.
What's this pick sent separately?
Oh, that's the David Shortel thing.
No, no.
Oh, before that, that was the smelling the shit.
No, no.
What was before the David Shortel pick?
I don't know.
I was looking for an email and did not see.
Hmm.
And I looked in the share folder, also nothing.
By the way, speaking of KFC movie being a fake, not really a fake, but it's well aware of itself.
It's being ironic.
This is a joke, too.
I was excited, but I looked it up and it's not a thing.
Encourage women to smell their poop to be more inclusive to trans women.
And I'm glad that jokes like this exist because people need to be reminded that when you have your dick cut off and you make a vagina, the flesh inside is rotting and it smells like poo-poo.
You know why?
Because God doesn't want you, sorry, if you're atheist nature.
Nature doesn't want you to be around rotting stuff.
It's not good for evolution.
So the people who don't mind being around gangrenous sores, they're dead.
And the ones who go, you're rotting.
That probably means there's a disease around here.
I'm getting out of here.
That's why tranny's pussies stink.
Because God is saying, get away from this person.
That's just a fact.
Nature is anti-trans.
That's why they make it stink.
We didn't get to any of our segments.
We didn't even get to the Ezra's scoop.
Okay, I'll tell you Ezra's scoop.
And then we'll talk about Bubba and Hanks.
Craziest fucking story I've ever heard.
This is nuts.
So Ezra hears that China communists who are our enemies, Russia's our enemy too, but they don't have the kind of power China has.
I'm not scared of Russia.
I am scared of China.
And I'm scared of Islam.
I'm scared of all of them.
I have China phobia.
I'm an Islamophobe.
And I have Russia phobia.
It's all very rational.
It's not based on prejudice.
It's based on post-judice.
So anyway, they're showing off their navy.
And all the other communists go, great Navy, guys, you rock.
But then he, this was suspicious, because he sees that Canada and America are said to have gone.
Now he looks into the American, and it was just a spy who went, oh, okay.
I don't give a shit.
Of course you're going to send a spy.
But were Canadian delegates there and were they spies?
So he asked the government to send them the information about that.
They accidentally send him a compendium of all their past two years' behavior, like this thick.
And the other crazy part about this TMI document drop, they wiki leaked themselves, is they blacked out all the most important stuff, but they made it gray.
So all you have to do to read the banned shit is squint.
So as he's reading all the gray shit, he discovers that Canada is training China in cold weather warfare.
And America has officially objected to this.
And Canada's went, why?
Because it makes Trump mad?
No, dude.
Because China's our enemy and you're training our enemies to kill us.
Like, we should put Canada in jail.
Yeah, for treason.
For treason.
That's a declaration of war.
You're training our enemies to kill us.
Anyway, he's started a whole site about it called the China Files.
Check it out.
Oh, sorry.
It's 1-1.
I think I found what that was before, too, by the way.
Oh, what was it?
It was a video of the neighbors.
Oh, no, that's in racism.
Gotcha.
I mean, this is, how long is this video?
This should be an entire episode of our show.
So I feel like there are document showing how deeply Trudeau and his government are pressuring the Canadian armed forces to work closely with China's People's Liberation Army.
These documents show that even after China kidnapped two Canadian citizens, Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor, Trudeau still insisted that our military maintain warm ties with China's military.
Trudeau has made protecting the feelings of China's dictator, Xi Jinping, a priority for our armed forces.
Maybe that doesn't surprise you, but these documents also reveal that Trudeau has been sending Canadian troops to China to participate in that country's propaganda displays.
And most incredible of all, Canada has been training Chinese military troops at our military colleges in Canada and unbelievably, training Chinese soldiers at Canadian Forces Base Pettawawa in how to wage cold war with a Canadian military base in Ontario.
Trudeau is literally training our enemies in how to kill us.
And I'll prove it to you.
You're watching the China files on Rebel News.
So what's that URL?
See, right here.
So if you go to their YouTube or you go to rebels.com slash thechina files.
I think it, but if you put it in the talksecret.com.com, you end up there.
Type in thechinafiles.com.
No, that's not what I said.
The China Files.
I said the China Files.
Yeah.
No, you're missing the the, yeah.
You're right.
Yeah, so thechinafiles.com.
That's my question for the URL.
Jeez, Louise.
We're already past the halfway mark.
No mailbag.
I failed in my experiment.
We're going to wrap it up here with the Bubba and Hanks, our favorite meat suppliers.
Next week, we are running a Christmas Wag You special with Bubba and Hanks.
By the way, we're not taking a day off, not even Christmas.
So you are going to have fresh content every day, including this show, with Gavin Ryan throughout the vacation.
If you're Jewish or Muslim and you have no interest in Christmas, you'll have plenty of interest in censored.tv.
Though if you're in the latter group, you may get occasionally offended by my rants.
Stay tuned.
This is Proud Wagyou for Proud People.
BubbaandHanks.com.
Promo code Gavin.
They send me free meat all the time.
I fucking love it.
I like to sort of spread it out.
So I'll just thaw one like once a week and we have our fancy meat night.
On the Christmas giveaways today when we take the callers, which you're not going to hear if you're listening to this for free, we have a Bubba and Hanks prize pack, a Beard Vet prize pack, and a Johnny Apple prize pack.
Caller number two also gets this triple prize pack deal.
So don't forget caller number one and caller number two.
I guess, you know what?
We should end with at least one segment that we usually do on the show.
Let's show the final video segment.
You know, you're not supposed to laugh in class.
So when someone is funny in class, it's about six times funnier than normal times because it's verboten.
And this guy is obviously capitalizing on that and being an awesome and hilarious dude.
I don't know what this guy's beef is with the teacher, but I like it.
All right, for the next dance.
Frisbee, get out of here now.
He's cracking up as he plays.
No, no.
Thank you.
Thank you for your time.
What does that say?
After lunch?
Yeah.
This is great because the teacher doesn't say.
So we're going to take these points that we have and move them two to the right and one down.
And then we'll be able to draw our new curve.
And along with that, our asymptote, instead of being close to the trumpet.
I want to get that album.
Giggle Trumpet Man.
Giggly Trumpet Covers.
Yeah, you see, the Pussy Patrol guys, if they don't become teachers, they get into journalism.
And their job is saying, get out of here.
No laughs.
No fun.
I'm short.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
I lost my tap.
Should we be playing the cramps?
Oh, I don't know that one.
Go into my notes here and see what I sent you that we couldn't find.
Because I don't like that.
There's nothing there.
Yeah, I know.
What a stupid.
Like, what the hell?
What the hell?
So, yeah, we're not taking calls.
I still got a lot of shit to say.
How do people do half-hour shows?
They must just not have anything to say and be kind of bummed.
They have to do a show, right, Trump?
Right now, I'm too busy making America great again.
Sorry.
What are we going to do with this?
He's a beautiful, beautiful bird.
He's not in the White House.
In four years, I don't know.
A long time to think about it.
Okay, so China Gate is huge.
I recommend you watch that on your own time.
It's just amazing.
And I know you don't care about Canada, but you should because they're training people to kill us.
And China's hot this week.
Did you bang Fang Fang?
Some Chinese spy was trying to seduce me, and I said, I'm seducible, and I have been blackmailed before, but you're a three.
So can you call President Zi Jing Zing Chao and tell him to send someone who's not hideous?
Like, in the movies, the spies are hot.
In reality, they look like chipmunks with bulimia.
Okay, are we ready for racism?
Yes.
I'm always ready.
You are?
Good.
I'm looking forward to that.
Talk of how racism that was racist, guys.
So Anthony Cumia turned me on to this show, The Neighborhood.
I don't watch TV.
I'm baffled by people who watch TV.
And that used to be a snobby thing to say.
But now there's just so much other shit going on.
And I do DVR stuff, but what I meant by watching TV is: can you imagine like sitting down non-DVR and just watching your show?
And then you get up during the commercials?
I guess the majority of America still does that.
But like, this is a sitcom on ABC.
I think.
No, that's not it.
That's second.
Oh, man.
2-2 is first.
2-2.
But yeah, imagine sitting on.
So this is a show about a black guy who moves into a middle-class black neighborhood.
And guess what?
He's a fucking stupid loser.
Now, the one thing I almost like about it is that it's a guy who wants to be down with blacks and they make fun of him.
But that's not really what you get out of it when you watch it.
You see that white people are corny, stupid losers who are pussies.
And black people are in control, smart geniuses.
All the families are together, too, by the way.
There's no out-of-wedlock happening here.
But it's just, it should be called the white people are retarded.
And by the way, Archie Bunker was made to be hated.
This guy, Cedric the Entertainer, hates white people.
And it's a lovable trait.
This is like a sci-fi show.
And at one point, the wife goes, well, isn't he being racist if he hates us because we're white?
And the son goes, no, no, that's you're racist.
We're racial.
Black people can't be racist.
Which is, again, what I was saying earlier in the show.
That's the kind of shit I said when I was 17.
And I don't mind 17-year-olds saying dumb shit like that.
They catch up with us.
But now it's on a mainstream sitcom.
It's like they went into a time machine, went up to me when I was 17 with a notepad and said, what's the stupidest shit you believe?
And Max Greenfield, the neighborhood.
Mondays this fall.
No, thanks.
You believe this white motherfucker?
My family's been here for decades.
I live in a proud black neighborhood, and I intend to keep it that way.
Son, our family's been in this neighborhood for generations.
Yard and Q Day is about bringing our community together to celebrate what makes this neighborhood special.
Which is me.
We're your new neighbors, the Johnsons.
Dick Hurry, he needs to peek.
Sorry.
Long drive.
Big soda.
I'm coming.
Hold on.
You know, today's going to be more fun than I thought.
I'm a retired screech.
Oh, it's the new neighbors here.
Says their names on the Johnson.
How corny is it to want to be friendly to strangers?
Sure beats gang rape.
Go to like 210.
And says it's good for people living diverse communities.
We couldn't agree more.
Too bad.
My dad hates science.
Jim, if that's how he feels, we shouldn't go.
No.
You gotta come or you'll seem racist.
Is that the original hardware on this door?
What?
We are not racist.
If anyone's being racist, it sounds like it's your dad.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
See, black people can't be racist.
We can be racial, not cyst.
So cyst.
He's being serious.
Like, the show is being serious right there.
They're telling you facts.
Let's go make that jerk love us.
Anyway, so this is the trailer to introduce the show.
And I'm going to start watching this show regularly because it is just brutal white abuse.
But check out this propaganda that Mr. Kumiya sent me about cops.
Organized one after.
Organized one after, you know, Trey got beat up by the Popo.
That's a boy, by the way.
Oh.
Hey.
Wait a minute, stuff.
I know there's a lot going on.
At the beginning of the show, the girl had to go pee-pee.
Remember?
So is this a trans child they have?
Or are they having a male actor play a little girl?
Weird.
Holy Vaid.
Really crammed.
Again, if my 16-year-old punked me, if I had a sitcom, it would be about how white people are stupid.
And guess what?
The kid, it would be trans.
But they'd never do that because they don't want to fucking see the truth.
What the fuck going on right now?
You want to talk about it?
I don't understand why the police beat up Trey.
Did he do something wrong?
No.
The police are the ones who did something wrong.
Got it.
But they're supposed to be the good guys.
Yeah.
But there are some bad ones, too.
So, if there's ever an emergency, should I still call them?
Oh, yeah.
Of course, sweetie.
They would never hurt you.
Right, because I'm a kid.
Actually, it's because you're white.
You see, the police have.
You see, the police in this country have a history of treating us better than they treat black people.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Why would they treat us?
That's not true.
Sure, we behave ourselves.
No.
Dad, that's a good question.
Well, ask your mom about how much they appear in the crime statistics proportional to their existence in the population.
That might have something to do with it.
Fat people tend to deal with diabetics doctors more than other people.
It doesn't mean that doctors are focused on fat people.
But the answer is kind of complicated.
Uh-oh.
That's what you said when I asked where babies come from.
Comically.
No, keep going.
That's it.
Oh, that's it?
I mean, that was plenty.
You want to see another one?
Where is this now?
This one is even crazier.
3-1.
They're brainwashing our children into thinking that black people are superior to us and they've been held down by racist cops and lies.
And the way they prove this is with lies.
All right, class.
Can anyone tell me who invented the light bulb?
How is Edison?
Tesla and Edison.
It's controversial, but Tesla.
Edison popularized it.
He's the one that made it big, but I think Tesla deserves the credit.
This is Cartoon Network.
Yeah, this is Steven Universe.
It's kind of a cool, weird space show.
My kids watch it, or my kids did watch it when they were much younger.
Adults probably watch it now.
Fat adults with blue and pink hair.
Light bulb.
Television!
That's not entirely true.
The light bulb could more rightfully be attributed to Louis Latimer, the black inventor behind the filament.
You mean Louis Latimer, the guy who was obsessed with patents?
He was almost like a patent savant.
So what he would do is he would try to patent everything, hoping something would stick.
He threw shit at the patent wall.
Now, they already had a patent.
I mean, yeah, they had a filament for the light bulb that was popular and cheap.
And Thomas Edison was using it.
But everyone knew the light bulb was going to be huge.
So everyone had a million patent filaments.
This guy, Thomas, whatever, what's his name?
Latimer.
Latimer.
Lewis Latimer.
Lewis Latimer.
I think he had like 100 or around that.
Edison had hundreds.
And one of Edison's stuck.
Latimer's, we think Latimer's filament was used for like the light bulbs in his factory or where he worked.
Like 35, basically.
Edison's were millions.
But the story became that the light bulb was just a light bulb.
This guy got a cheap filament that everyone could use.
That's just not true.
It's not bending the truth.
It's false.
Now, this guy was so obsessed with filaments and patents that Edison hired him as a patent expert later on.
And he worked for Edison, examining patents, coming up with other patents.
That's ironic, too, because that was this guy's skill, is sniffing out valid patents.
But he didn't strike gold with the filament that's in the light bulb.
That wasn't his.
That's just not true.
He was a patent nerd.
And he never really had a patent takeoff.
He just sort of managed Edison's patent department.
He was a patent lawyer, I believe, eventually.
This is patently false.
Vladimir, the black inventor behind the filament inside the bulb.
No.
His invention made light bulbs affordable and efficient enough for the general public, bringing electric light into households around the world.
Well, so now you know.
No, I don't.
You just lied to my children.
Is that it?
No, cops also kill black people.
He was shot in the head by cops.
We're not going to mention why he invented the filament to create a better standard of living for people who had only just been freed from slavery?
Are we going to ask?
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
He didn't invent anything, but he was hunting around patents because he wanted to get rich.
He was a businessman.
You just injected that motive into his brain.
Posthumously.
Why?
Kids are apparently learning about Thomas Edison.
Thomas Edison!
And not learning about Lewis Latimer.
These textbooks are incomplete.
There are black Roman wars.
There's like I want to get into the psychology of this anti-whiteness because it's I think it's daddy issues.
I think Thomas Edison looks like her dad.
And when I say her, I mean the writer behind this sketch.
And so they say, stop saying my dad's so great.
And you know why they have daddy issues?
Because dad's not impressed with them.
What?
I spent $250,000 for you to go to college and you took speech pathology with a minor in animation.
And now you write for a children's cartoon?
Couldn't you have done that for a little less money than a quarter mil?
Oh, fuck you, Thomas Edison.
Thomas Edison.
I mean, dad.
Wait, there were black Roman warriors, black medieval knights, black classical musicians, black cowboys.
I looked all of this up.
And of course there were black fighter pilots.
There were a tiny, tiny amount of black cowboys.
People say there was more black cowboys than white cowboys.
And as far as black knights go, no.
She's talking about the Knights of the Round Table, which was fiction.
Ouch.
What's that about?
I don't know.
Check it out.
She's talking about a fictional character.
And the other time they'll talk about like Spanish knights who are basically knights, sure.
They're not really the knights we think of when we think of knights.
We're thinking of England.
But they're usually talking about Moors and people from what is today, what is it, Liberia?
Where are they selling slaves today?
Olympia.
And those are Arabs.
So she's sitting here ranting about the lack of information these kids are getting and how none of it's true.
And she's ranting about untrue information.
She's lying.
Where are they?
I worry about you humans because you only live, what, about 100 years?
You rely on these stories to know your own history.
Thanks to systemic racism, most of your storytellers prioritize white accomplishments, which leaves you with an incomplete picture.
Ask yourself as you're learning history.
Who's telling the story?
Was this modified to make white readers comfortable?
Are major details being left out that would credit people of color and center their point of view?
Honestly, I should have asked for script approval before agreeing to do this.
We'll do some rewrites.
I'm sorry.
We didn't know.
Well, so now you know.
I swear.
Stupid.
Oh, what was that last part?
Tell the whole story.
Be anti-racist.
Crystalgemspeakup.com.
Can you believe this shit?
That's our children that are fucking having to watch this crap.
Now that we're being negative, let's be positive.
2-9, a cool black guy in Syracuse, points out something I never thought of, probably because it doesn't apply here.
Here in New York, yes, New York pays a lot of New York State's taxes, but New York is also a big drain on taxes with all the welfare and the projects and everything.
But Westchester and the surrounding suburbs also pay.
So it's really lower New York State pays for upper New York State.
And that makes sense.
There's more business down here.
There's more farms up there.
But when you get into specific neighborhoods in New York, like Syracuse, you have all these urban people paying urban taxes to politicians that don't live in the city.
So they're subsidizing the suburbs.
I had never thought of that.
It's not true of New York City, but I believe it is true of Syracuse.
Go ahead, black guy.
Reloading.
He's on CPT.
That's rude.
Alrighty.
Here it comes.
I hope this fee doesn't cut out.
You know what?
What?
I think Brave is taking a dunk.
I've been having to play some of the videos on Chrome.
Really?
Have you been...
I had to go back to Chrome when I was making my Christmas cards today because the little buttons weren't working.
Yeah, they're having some issues.
What percent of the police live in the city?
5% or so.
5%, so 95% don't live in the city.
Police.
5%, so 95% don't live in the city.
So when you say that the vast majority of the percentage goes towards salaries, et cetera, fringe benefits, that means that they take their money on 81, go to outside the city, pay taxes in those communities that have some of the best schools while we have an underfunded school district.
$60 million up.
So I just want to put into context what we're talking about.
Yeah, I liked it better when it was politicians.
Because with cops, yes, that's true, but they also have to come in to the city and fight in these bad neighborhoods.
You know, I sent a cop that video of the neighborhood where she talks about how the Po-Po beat up Trey.
I get indignant about shit like that, but when I show it to cops, they laugh.
They don't care.
But he goes, yeah, sounds good to me.
Please don't let us have to police black neighborhoods anymore.
They can handle their own troubles.
So it's not quite as salient a point when it's about cops.
Really easy to say there, and with all due respect, I like you.
But that was a very politician answer.
Sorry, which specifically?
We will consider and we will look.
What we're saying is we're not interested in considering and looking.
What we're saying is actually there's $50 million.
Commit to $20 million cut.
Because we're sending money as the mayor of Syracuse when you don't have a tax base.
You're sending money out of Syracuse and not just for 30 years, for the rest of their life.
Because their pensions, their health insurance, their family.
So we are funding for other people's communities to have the promise of the American dream while we are denying it in our community.
That's the context that you as the mayor have to look at this under.
So when we talk about renegotiating union contract, what we're saying is you can't play around with maybe we will...
No, y'all got to go because you don't provide a service that is beneficial to the community.
That is me.
I changed my mind about him.
He's poo-poo now.
He's poo-poo.
This is what happens when you defund police.
Look at 2-4.
Police are not wanted.
So this scenario is in Portland is what the Syracuse guy is asking for.
He wants a $20 million cut.
So a third of a budget cut.
And the police, not just defunded, but disrespected and seen as second-class citizens.
Let's see how it turns out for Portland.
So Mr. Per is trying to protect those cops by taking the kicks.
Look at this bullshit.
Chasing the cops away.
And the cops know if they stop and do anything that they're going to lose their jobs, lose their pensions.
So you leave cops no choice but to run.
But they finally found the black gun killing.
That's the female cops.
That's what Syracuse Jude is asking for.
I want politicians to have to run backwards out of town, but not cops.
That was a chick.
Look, the black guy was running up the leaves.
Defund the police.
Get him out of here.
Is that tired popping?
Sounded like it.
I think the back tire is flat.
It's going to be murder on the rim.
That's what he said.
Just shoot him.
Okay, open the door.
So Ted Wheeler, who is a joke in America and wanted to defund the police, is a Nazi in Portland because he said, guys, could we maybe dial it back a little bit?
Check 2-3.
He dared.
So he's now giving up on trying to appease these people.
I'm authorizing the Portland police to use all lawful means to end the illegal occupation on North Mississippi Avenue and to hold those violating our communities laws accountable.
There will be no autonomous zone in Portland.
And then he agrees, you know, everyone's racist and stuff, but come on, we need cops and we can't have autonomous zones.
And then if you scroll down, it's fun seeing the reactions because no one's sane is left on Twitter.
So keep going.
They're making fun of him.
Keep going.
Boop-badoo.
No, more.
Kevin Sorbo.
Oh, shit, it got buried.
But there was some liberal dude who said, Chap was actually the safest Seattle has ever been.
Yeah, this has since blown up, and now everyone's saying is jumping in.
But he goes, Chaz was the safest Seattle's been, and it was probably the safest place in Seattle at the time.
And you go, 16-year-old punk rockers run the world.
By the way, did you see that when you were scrolling, did you see that Detroit woman?
She wants a war.
Go back to where you were.
Remember we were making fun of her because she had half a coat on?
Oh, yeah.
Now, I think she saw a video where some black guy was saying, if proud boys want to start a war, they're going to have to deal with me.
And he's like an ex-military guy.
But so she, I think, just took that as a fact.
Some YouTube video I can't find.
I had like 62 views.
But I think she believes that a bunch of racists are going to go through the streets trying to kill black people now because Biden won.
So she has a message to us, which is, watch the fuck out.
You're dead.
It's 2.5.
I thought it'd be easier to find as you just passed it, but I guess we'll go to the notes.
She's a nut.
I think she might be our new favorite politician.
So this is just a warning to you Trumpers.
Be careful.
Walk lightly.
We ain't playing with you.
Enough of the shenanigans.
What is she wearing?
Judges' role?
Enough.
It's enough.
And for those of you who are soldiers, you know how to do it.
Do it right.
Be in order.
Make them pay.
So this is just a warning.
So it sounds like she's saying, because the video I saw, the black guy was like, I've been training in Afghanistan, and he wears a shirt that says Army.
And he goes, we aren't trained to throw bottles at people.
We're trained to shoot motherfuckers right between the eyes.
And so she's saying, hey, black vets, if shit goes down, start killing people.
I believe that's what she's getting at.
You're officially weird, Cynthia.
You are seriously weird.
And again, that's the theme of this show.
The radical 16-year-old punk.
We're inside his brain.
It's mainstream.
You know, the SPLC, who everyone quotes, and says, so they think this is a hate group.
It must be.
Look who runs their union.
Look at 2-7.
This is their union rep. What do you think of when you think of a union rep?
You think of a guy with maybe like a no tie.
He's too cool for that.
He'll have like a white dress shirt and a corduroy blazer maybe.
And he's there for the unions.
No, it's fucking Fidel Castro anarchist.
Fidel Anarcho.
Look at him.
That is the guy who runs the SPLC's union.
It's a fucking joke.
Dollar Store Castro.
Yeah.
He loves the works of Mark Shea, George Jackson, Murder, and is a program associate with the SPLC.
Nice work.
But yeah, let's keep quoting them.
He likes Kurt Vonnegut.
Oh, good.
Andres Thompson.
All right.
I think I have one more thing.
Oh, no, I have.
Yeah.
Black Hitler.
Adolf Hitler won.
This is kind of an old story, but I'm meaning to get to it for a while.
Adolf Hitler wins election in Namibia.
Namibia.
Politician named after Nazi leader sweeps to victory, but promises, I'm not striving for world domination.
Adolf Hitler Junona was selected with 85% of the vote in a regional poll with the poo-poo.
He said his father had named him Hitler without realizing what their name meant.
I actually believe that.
Former German colony in Africa still has a small German-speaking population.
There he is.
Adolf Hitler Unona.
Colorized and inverted.
Adolf Hitler.
The funny part is that that's not a career killer in Namibia.
Does he fine?
I don't get colonization.
Aren't you hot?
Like you go from Liverpool to the Congo.
I couldn't imagine something I'd want to do less than cook all day in the African sun pre.
Wait, wait, what are those skulls?
Members of the Namibian delegation in Berlin said over a set of skulls of Namibian tribespeople who were victims of German colonial atrocities in the early 20th century.
Oh, they're very sensitive about death.
Germany must pay.
All right, last story of the day.
Burger King is woke.
Burger King is Mad woke.
And 33, they've changed their name temporarily, of course, to Burger Queen.
Why?
Because an incredibly obscure soccer team in Stevenage, where I lived as a little boy, near Luton, near Tommy Robinson there, near Hitchen in England, north of London, they have a female soccer player or something.
And everyone's so excited about it that they got to change the name of the fucking franchise.
Fuck was that?
That's why people are apathetic because they're a terrible people.
I'm sure they could use all this pressure.
Shouldn't Antifa see that their belief system is mainstream, it's capitalist, it's corporate?
The trans shit is corporate.
BLM is corporate.
You are up there with Nike and everyone else.
All right.
What do we do now?
How do we end this?
I guess we go to calls.
We need a segue to go to calls.
Oh, yeah, that'd be cool.
Oh, yeah, that'd be cool.
Like a cone and a bunch of people.
Shall I maybe look at a letter while you get set up?
Calls, calls, calls.
It'll probably be 30 seconds.
Okay, cool.
I'm going to get the newspaper so I can focus on yourself for a second.
We can play the COVID update.
Bumper.
Why?
I don't know.
We're not doing a COVID update.
Okay, here I am.
Rocky like a hurricane.
Okay, so what I do here is I go to our calling system and I try to establish comms so that way the viewers...
No, it feels better.
Yeah.
I told you.
You made a huge pot of coffee and you had this super strong coffee.
You went to the bath.
You ran to the bathroom and shat your guts out three times and then you had your head on your desk because your stomach was in pain.
That's correct.
Like, learn how to work your body, dude.
Work your body.
That's the kind of shit that 19-year-olds do.
This is juvenile day.
The pizza was very good.
Was it a sponsor of ours?
No, but a friend, I don't know how much it...
Our ad guy.
Yeah.
He helped us.
And he got us pizzas.
I'm going to draw people in the newspaper.
I got Fang Fang, the five.
I'm going to have a pizza.
And I got...
Also, I think our boy who got arrested, he's in the letters page.
Yeah.
Danny Presty.
So what it comes down to with Presty is, was it clear that they were cops?
If it wasn't clear, they're cops, he's off scot-free.
If it was, that's a felony.
We got scooter on the line.
Scooter.
Caller one.
Scooter.
Hey, number one.
You're number one first.
So I get the prize, right?
Yep.
I had a...
You say, Gavin, you were saying yesterday that people steal your ideas.
Yeah.
Well, I want to take one of your great ideas and amplify it a little bit.
I love your War Movie Veteran idea.
That is so cool.
So what I'm thinking is that you set up a thing where you hand out War Movie Veteran medals.
You know, Medal of Honor, accommodation medal, purple heart.
That's a cool idea.
Can you lower the show?
Can you just mute the show's playing in the background?
Yeah, I could have had it muted.
Perfect.
Sorry about that.
All right.
Yes.
So that's a good idea.
I'll give it a whirl.
Thanks for calling.
My fear, though, with that whole thing is you got to watch the line because you don't want to disrespect them.
Like with Terry Shepard, I said, my problem with Pearl Harbor, every time they show the guys that are still alive, none of them are hot.
And he goes, I can't laugh at that.
That's not allowed.
But yeah, as long as we did it respectfully and the satire was clear, then we should do that.
Like you would get a Purple Heart for watching the beginning of Save It Private Ryan stoned.
Right.
That one you guys recommended to me was fucking awesome.
Recon?
Thank you for that.
Nice.
Curtis is calling about a lifetime movie, speaking about movies.
Did you give that guy?
You get that guy's number?
Oh, yes.
Okay.
And this is another winner.
Caller 2.
You win three super PACs.
And they're not political.
Awesome.
Right on.
So what do you got to say?
All right.
So this KFC thing wasn't the first satirical movie that Lifetime put out.
They did another one a couple of years ago that was so unfunny that it was kind of funny.
It was called A Deadly Adoption.
And it had Kristen Wig and Will Ferrell.
So I thought you guys should probably check that out because it's a pretty cool train wreck to see.
Okay.
Thanks for calling.
We'll check it out right now.
Sounds like we're sending our prize packs to Canada.
Yeah, we will definitely check that out.
I remember when I lived in Canada and people would say, oh yeah, that's what it's all about.
I'd go, I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about.
I don't say a boot, I say about.
And now that I've lived here for 20 years, I'm like, okay, that's what it's all about.
So now, I hate we have to see your logos in the trailer.
Oh, this is the whole damn film.
Oh, it's the whole movie.
Oh, finally.
Where you been?
I got hung up.
There you go.
Oh, okay.
Okay, boring.
Jump in the middle.
And no one ever helped you pitch.
And then I come along and I help you out.
And what?
You're going to take the other guy's side?
This is how you treat your friends?
Huh?
Maybe this isn't it.
Because I don't see no fair.
Oh, deadly adoption.
What did I put in?
Take the children and yourself.
Is that a baby there?
Yeah, do you want to feel?
No more heavy lifting for you.
You guys are so nice.
Believe in me.
I will.
I am happy with this.
And you're going to have a perfect life too one day, I promise.
I hope it's in a town like this with a family like yours.
Lifetime makes fun of itself.
Jump in the middle here.
What is the joke?
You don't need to.
Are we laughing at you or are we laughing with you?
You know what's funny is I think the satire hits the normal audience of Lifetime just fine because they're used to corny acting.
But it's funny to take something so seriously and try to hit something so on the head.
Like they're hitting this corny genre so on the head that it functions as a comedy and as a serious life.
Yeah, it's almost like Christians doing a Christian rock parody.
And everyone laughing.
Ha ha ha.
That's so corny.
Jesus, yeah.
I don't know.
All right, next caller.
McAdoo.
McAdoo?
Wackadoo, Wackadoo, Wackado, Wackadou.
Retarded Bobby Lee, bro.
It's MAGA Jew.
Alright, well, my automatic voice recognition call screener doesn't know that.
Yeah, he's just reading what the computer transcribes.
Yeah, MADO.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
I see.
Alright.
My fault.
Saudi body.
It's okay, buddy.
Yeah, uh.
Awesome.
So, Gab, you got dumped by a lot of your really good friends, as you mentioned before.
And I'm all about the West of the Best.
But I think the one thing that, like, America kind of, like, doesn't get is, like, standing by your friends and, like, loyalty.
And I have, like, a lot of like Middle Eastern Arab friends.
And loyalty is, like, the number one thing there.
Like, if you betray a friend, like, or anything like that, you're persona non grata.
You're a fucking asshole, and then, like, everyone hates you.
So I think it's one thing, like, as shitty as Middle Eastern culture is, uh, it's something maybe we can take and kind of, like, learn about, like, loyalty.
I don't know what you think about that.
No, I agree with you, but you got to understand that we used to have those, those values, too, up until very recently.
And it wasn't just among friends, it was like corporate too.
Like, if someone got a call and they said, one of your employees is racist or said a bad thing, the guy would tell them to fuck off and hang up the phone, as opposed to like calling HR in and having a big firing squad about how horrible and sinful that person was.
So we're kind of new to this lack of loyalty and stuff.
And I think it's feminism.
I think women have gotten involved and they're much more agreeable even when you're agreeing with something bad.
So they're like, I love America.
Really?
America sucks?
Yes, it does.
America sucks.
And this person's your friend.
No, they're not.
They're evil.
I fucking hate them.
It's the feminization of American culture.
I think that makes sense because basically women don't have a place in the workplace in the Middle East.
So actually, that theory kind of fits a little bit.
Yeah, they're trying to find their way, and they don't belong in a lot of these areas that they've been thrust into.
And so they get a job doing a social media account, and they end up just becoming tattletales, little bitchy Terrans.
Anyway, thanks for calling, dude.
We always got to keep time in mind when we talk about these things.
Like, you know, America's racist.
Like, who is this?
Chuck D or someone was saying.
You know, we used to hang blacks not so long ago, and there'd be people dancing underneath the bodies that were hanging.
It was really fucking long ago, okay?
It doesn't reflect who we are today.
So we have to take time and culture into context.
I mean, we didn't usually get, women were not cunts until very recently.
They used to be nice ladies, and they didn't hate boys.
Like, kindergarten teachers used to go, oh, boys will be boys.
And as the boys in the schoolyard run around, the kindergarten teacher would be supportive.
But now it's like, your son was running around.
He was very hard to wrangle.
And so we think he should go on Ridlin or some sort of drug in order to keep him under control.
Or I'm going to write him up.
So take him to psychiatrist and get him drugged because I don't like the way this boy's running around.
In other words, I don't like boys.
We got Jonathan.
Jonathan.
Brian and Gavin, have it gone.
Gonna make it quick.
I got a would you rather?
This one's for Ryan because he's not married.
It's for people who aren't married or who could pretend they never were.
All right, Ryan, you're going to be stranded on the desert island in castaway.
You are going to have one other person with you.
Would you rather that person be a guy who is scientifically formulated to be your best friend?
You know, everything about him is perfect, and he's pretty good at survival.
So you'll be living in a tree house with monkey butlers, drinking coconuts and eating chewy chew cocoa beans.
Cool.
Or a girl who's a six out of 10.
Right.
And I know that's our bread and butter on this show.
She's annoying 60% of the time.
And you will have to be there for 10 years minimum, but maybe longer.
You don't know.
Is civilization resting on us procreating or no?
No.
No, no, you're just, it's like today.
Everything else is going on.
So 10 years, not getting laid, and I would be 40.
So I wouldn't have a chance to really have kids at a good age.
10 years minimum.
Yeah.
I think the female, because you need the duality there, because, you know, there's going to be some issues.
There are going to be some bumping heads.
You know, somebody's got to be the king of the island, and it's going to get up.
You're going to be the king of the fag zone.
Probably end up 69ing your way to banana heaven.
I would not.
Probably do it in a banana hammock.
I would not.
Smoking bananas.
There's no bananas.
I would pick the female.
And that'd be...
All right.
Good analysis.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, buddy.
That was a good one.
It's a good challenge, too, when you're being.
Well, you also are worried about dying.
Right.
Like, you need a buddy there to help you build a lean to and stuff.
See, that's going to die with the chick.
I've seen a lot of Naked and Afraids where the woman is just a huge burden to the team.
Right, right.
That's true.
That is true.
But, yeah.
It's definitely not easy.
But I think the duality of man-woman is kind of a good idea.
Well, yeah, that's an interesting point to watch in your life.
Farms, like a turkey farm, will have a male turkey, whatever that's called.
They don't need him to procreate.
They've already done all their procreating.
They're going to be killed for Thanksgiving next year.
But it just helps.
The women start attacking each other if there isn't at least one male present.
And it's the same with cows.
They'll have a bull there even when he's not a stud to procreate.
Same thing with guppies, too.
If you don't have a balance of females and males, they'll all freak out and eat each other.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Huh.
Had to get some females in there so they get less stressed.
Lewis.
Hey, what's up, gang?
Yo, gang gang.
Gucci gang.
Hey, sorry I couldn't call in last week, guys.
I was a bit busy.
Okay.
Okay.
We forgive you.
All right.
Hey, I have kind of a suggestion here.
I've been calling about the mantis shrimp because I'm concerned about your mantis shrimp.
But maybe we should have a contest to name this thing, you know?
Like, maybe we should throw in things.
I like the name Doc, as in Doc Holiday, but he was a good Republican and a sharp shooter.
I think it's adequate.
But I'd like to bar in New York, which is probably shut down now.
Let me ask you, are you concerned about the ethics of the shrimp and it being treated well and being fed and being kept in a good, sane, ethical environment?
No, I think I think a good enough environment for it.
I mean, you could always do some really cool things with a tank.
I don't know.
Maybe it comes out of a saloon, like it has a couple of saloon doors or something.
Yes, that's cool.
But do you really care?
Like, what if we let it starve to death?
Who gives a shit?
It's a fucking sea insect.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, it's a giant cockroach.
But, I mean, isn't the one going to be in your show going to be a little more exceptional than that?
I mean.
Yeah, okay.
I just thought you were one of these like insect rights guy.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I just, I want to make sure that this thing has a cool name because, you know, you guys are going to be asking me questions.
And Sally is going to be part of the show.
I mean, Sally.
What?
What about Sally?
Sally, that's cool.
I like that.
What about Michael?
What about Kevin?
What about the governor?
What about General Patton?
Lipships?
Yeah, I think you guys should name it after a really cool Republican.
What if it's Jewish?
And then anytime somebody's like, isn't that kind of anti-Semitic?
You'd be like, dude, Armanta Strip is Jewish.
Some of my best friends.
A clever thing like that.
Yeah.
I only just got the fucking basic existing conditions sketch from the original owners today.
So it's been a month of trying to get just to step one with these plans.
It's been a fucking nightmare, and I don't know who to blame.
But yeah, we're on it.
It's going to be sick, dude.
I think it's going to be a cool addition to your team.
I sent Fag Zone Master a t-shirt a while back.
I did a Lawn Dale, you know, the boxing thing?
Yeah.
I did a t-shirt with, instead of the lion, it was the shrimp, and then it said free speech TV.
This was way back when.
I don't know if you guys ever got the email, but it was just a drawing?
Yeah, I think, remember we showed a bunch?
I think we showed a bunch.
Oh, bye.
Yeah, I believe we went through a bunch of them because I had a whole shrimp cornucopia up.
That guy was on too long.
Nice guy, though.
Great guy.
Not a great guy.
He was okay.
Pretty good guy.
Daryl, calling about Jake Paul.
The racist who knocks out black man.
Indian joker buddy.
What did you say, buddy?
I sent you guys an email not long ago on Jake Paul.
He was on an ESPN show, and they were drooling him about being racist for knocking out Nate Robinson.
Wasn't that a Vice show?
What was that?
It was a Vice show.
I'll tell you why.
And this is our question of the week.
Yeah, that was Vice.
Yep.
And the Nate Robinson.
So I'm going to ask you.
Thanks for calling.
I already covered this.
Right here.
I don't think we showed it on the show.
You don't think we showed it on the show?
No, I think I showed it to you after the show.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Why?
I'll tell you why.
And this is our question of the week.
We saw what happened to Nate Robinson.
So I'm going to ask Jake Paul right here in front of America.
Jake, considering where we are right now in our racial conversation in America, was what you did to Nate Robinson racist?
That is the question of the week.
Ben.
Nah, stop playing with me.
Come on.
Stop playing with me.
Listen, Jake, it's a sensitive time right now.
We just had to witness a white man just knock a black man smooth out in front of all of America.
So that's why I asked that.
But just tell us about that moment real quick because it looked like Nate was asleep before he ever even hit the canvas.
Yeah, I mean, this is what we train for.
You know, at the end of the day, boxing is a sport.
And, you know, you train to win.
Nate is the one who called me out originally.
Fascinating.
I think he is frozen.
Hey, can you hear me now?
Yeah, I can hear you guys now.
Sorry.
My Wi-Fi is unstable like my relationship.
Okay, so what?
Yeah, we're just watching.
No, we're just watching.
We're just watching shitty TV.
It's funny how Vice is getting so woke and going so broke.
Remember the other black guys they used to have that were pretty funny?
That have funny names?
I think they're with Showtime Now or something?
Now you have those down there.
And you know why they asked that question, right?
Because they don't usually watch Boxing, and they were watching it going, Get the white guy, get the white guy, get the white guy.
And then, when they saw the black guy lose, they were crushed because they were watching that boxing match from a racial perspective.
I guarantee it.
All right, next caller, let's get going.
All right, let's be one point and then we're out.
Joseph, you want to learn?
Hello, buddy.
What's happening, off-duty buddy?
Super quick background, since I believe you're curious about your audience demo.
Been with you since How to Fight a Baby.
It took four years, but I'm a first degree in San Diego.
Oh, cool.
31 years old.
Notre Dame law grad, crushing at commercial real estate.
Parents are Lebanese immigrants.
Nice.
We built Marnite Catholic Church here for the community.
It's doing fucking great.
Anyway, I've observed a phenomenon in my affluent neighborhood of Del Mar, which I presume is similar to yours based on what you talk about.
In the last six months, I've personally observed about, I don't know, 15% of these gorgeous houses putting up Black Lives Matter signs on their lawn.
And the thing I'm curious about is what needs to happen to trigger the decision to take that sign down?
Like, you know, it's a presidential election.
You put up Trump, you put up Bindit, Biden, the election's over, you take it down.
But when do you take down a Black Lives Matter sign?
Is it up there forever?
What's the end game?
What is your take?
Well, we had a neighbor who had it up, and she had a bunch up.
At one point, she said, it said, Our lives matter vertically, and then the O and all the letters included like Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Trayvon Martin, and they moved the names around.
So if you lit up the middle letters, it would say, Our lives matter.
This woman is the whitest, richest person that has ever lived.
And our lives, like, like, it's so confusing, but she took hers down when Thanksgiving came along and it was time to put up the inflatable turkey outside.
And then she had hallelujah up there when Biden won.
And now I think it's Christmas decorations.
So they just go through the various cycles.
I mean, it's fashion, right?
So when that thing goes out of fashion, like the Rubik's Cube or the Chia Pet, they forget about it.
And the funny part is when a school is rezoned or something genuinely black happens and they all switch their colors instantly and become fucking psychotic.
But you'd hope they would switch when they read something about how Black Lives Matter is actually a Marxist organization that's about dismantling the nuclear family or some fact.
Like, wouldn't it be cool if it was a fact that made them change their ways?
But no.
It never is.
Thanks.
Finally, retell your joke about the German guy who said it was like the Statue of Liberty plus 400 meters.
Okay.
You're not supposed to get two in, but I like Lebs because I'm from Ottawa where there's 80,000 Lebanese.
Lebanon used to be Christian, and then the Muslims got their population up.
And what happens when that happens?
Whoosh, everyone else has to leave.
Your country becomes Muslim, and it sucks now.
Lebanon sucks, donkey dicks.
Okay, I will retell that story very briefly.
I was doing a photo, taking a picture with Joy Villa.
She doesn't like me anymore, I don't think.
Or she was probably told to stay away from me.
But I was doing my trick from Bob Newhart, from Tim Conway, where you kneel in your shoes, you pull your pants up to your knees, then you kneel in your shoes, and you look like a funny midget, and then I'll pose with Joy.
So I look like a funny midget, and she's quite tall.
And so we were laughing.
I said, it'd be funny if someone saw that and they went, wow, I didn't know Joy was so tall.
Jesus Christ, Gavin's like 5'10.
She's really big.
And, you know, very simple comedy, reversing the interpretation.
And she had this weird Dutch-German boyfriend who, by the way, they've since become divorced.
Ouch.
But he was like, yes, they'll be looking at her and they'll say, she is as tall as the Statue of Liberty plus 200 meters.
And we talked about it for two days.
Because the Statue of Liberty is sufficient exaggeration.
We're done now.
It's a very, very tall structure, and Joyville is not even close to that tall.
Good.
Why would you add 200 meters to your joke?
Yes, they're going to be stuck there drinking a million beers plus four kegs of beer also.
We know why they're divorced.
This drawing is okay.
It's of Danny Presti, who was just arrested.
It's terrible.
It's this, my dear.
Yeah.
The eyes have to disappear.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Can we make this a hoodie?
Like, this is amazing.
Do you want to wear that as a shirt?
Yeah, yes.
I'll get that tattooed.
I guess I'll write on this to make it look like this.
That was from John Selwyn.
Fantastic.
Check him out on the Instagrams.
That's good.
You gotta have your eyebrows down.
That last bit was good.
That's goofy.
He's got a wandering eye.
That's a talent.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
All right, now we got, I believe, Justin on the left.
No, James.
James Mayor of the Red.
Hold on one second.
Just wanted to first off give Brian a shout out.
I think he's absolutely hilarious and a perfect compliment to Gavin.
Thank you.
Secondly, My question is: kind of going back to one or two calls ago, a guy was talking about in these affluent white neighborhoods, people having Black Lives Matter signs up all over the place.
Isn't there something a bit elitist and possibly racist with white people putting up Black Lives Matter signs?
If you were black and you showed up to your white buddy's house and he's like, hey, Black Lives Matter, wouldn't you be like, well, I assume they did.
We're friends, you know?
Yeah.
I don't know what it means.
Like in the suburbs that are all white, the whitest areas imaginable, have that.
And that sign, let's be as generous as we possibly can.
It means I've noticed that the cops are being too violent in my neighborhood of Baltimore.
Can you guys take it easy?
You know, we matter too, you know.
Get evidence before you throw us up against the car.
I could almost understand that in that context.
It's in the hood.
It's in the slum.
It's saying, cops, take it easy on us a little bit.
Some of us are cool.
Okay, I don't agree with you.
That's not what it means.
But at least there is some logic there.
In the suburbs, in a white neighborhood, you're saying to cops, hey, man, stop hurting black people.
And the cops are like, what, black people?
I haven't seen one in three days.
So I don't get it.
I think what you said before is that a lot of people like black people, what is it, in theory and not in practice.
What's really odd is I think people, you know, a lot of these folks would be, I'm sorry, I said folks.
A lot of these people would be, you know, totally wouldn't know how to behave around, you know, even a working class person, much less a black person or a brown person.
And ultimately, no matter how many signs you put up, isn't that a bit more racist?
Just act normal around people, you know?
Yeah, well, they don't act normal because they have no experience, and they have no experience because they don't like them.
They're ultimately disgusted.
And that's why you see them fawn over someone like Neil deGrasse Tyson, because they go, look, we dressed a monkey up in a suit and he can do a trick.
I'm not calling blacks monkeys in that analogy.
They are.
And they want them to do ballet and to listen to classical music and to eat with the outside cutlery coming in like Tarzan after he had been domesticated.
They don't like actual black culture.
They don't think blacks like it either.
And they're wrong.
They do.
I mean, whites are the only people with this strange gene where they hate themselves.
No one else talks like this.
I don't get it.
All right.
Thanks for calling, buddy.
Next call.
Christopher.
It's Christopher.
Hello?
Hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
Hello, buddy.
Am I speaking to Gabriel and the father of the bag zone?
Yes.
This is the shirt, by the way.
I had to ask me.
I'm probably going to butcher this.
I wanted to Gavin, I love you more than a friend, but I wanted to criticize you on your attitude with the police.
Like, I know they're in a shitty position, but you've kind of limped it with your views on what they should be doing.
I mean, do you have any other ideas for how they're supposed to not enforce this stuff, but not get fired?
I think that we need to have a shift where they need to stand up for themselves.
Well, I mean, it depends on the situation.
And it does seem pretty harsh that they went and enforced the law with Mac's public alehouse.
But should they have gotten fired and lost their pensions and left their families penniless to stand up to Danny Presty because they don't agree with the law?
I don't know.
I mean, I guess one thing that I'm thinking as an analogy is what's the point of being an American cop if you're metaphorically living in Israel, if your police department commander is like, you know, like a chief,
is like a Nazi general.
Like, they're giving these, I mean, their publication of like what they're saying, what they need to enforce is just not American.
So what is the officer meant to do?
I mean, the, you know, normal police officers meant to do.
Yeah, I guess they bend the rules and they do as little as they can.
And they say, here, sneak out the back.
I mean, he did run over two cops and get released from the station without bail.
So I'm not sure how hard they're enforcing these laws.
They got a $15,000 fine.
Danny ripped it up and it went down to $1,000 fine.
There's nuance there, but I agree with you.
This is looking egregious, and it's not looking good for cops.
Okay, next call.
Kate.
You got a water.
Go ahead.
What's a water?
Oh.
Hi.
Am I on right now?
You are live to the world.
Are you kidding me?
Forgive me.
My wife is such a fucking cunt.
Should I kill her?
Wait, is she screaming?
Okay, Gavin.
What?
No.
Oh.
There's a screw in here.
Here's a movie?
Wait, what's happening?
I don't know.
I was just hearing...
Alright.
I thought I heard something.
No, shut the fuck up.
No, it's fine.
Just some domestic problems at home.
Oh, no, I didn't.
Alright, well, last time, Color.
Hit your wife.
Last time Color.
Last time, Color.
Did I kill my wife?
No, don't kill her.
Just, you know, teach her a lesson.
Slap her around.
Hey, I think you should get a bunch of mantis shrimp on the show and just kill them all.
Just kill them.
Man, this guy looks like death.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Like each episode.
Gavin, once he talked about getting a shark tank and then just when you want to die, you just go in the shark tank, just like Joe Biggs has that grenade for when he wants to kill himself, you know, Brian's dad or whatever, his father figure,
Joe Biggs.
No bad, you know.
But Iva, would you rather for you?
Okay.
Would you rather be drawn and quartered or curb stomped?
Oh, curb stomped.
That's the teeth, right?
You don't know what drawn and quartered is, Ryan.
I do.
It's like you're hung upside down and then your guts.
Or all your limbs are pulled off by horses.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that sucks.
You know, in the future, Ryan, when you do Would You Rathers, you should probably know what the things are.
I thought it was just some old-timey death, so I figured it was.
It is an old.
Oh, so you figured you just guessed it.
It is.
That's true.
That's not.
Okay.
I guess Kirb stopped.
All right.
Thanks for watching.
Do I win a prize?
Do I win a prize?
You didn't.
I'm sorry.
God bless you though.
I emailed you.
I emailed you.
Well, if you won, then, yeah, and I'll check your email and then I'll forward that.
Sometimes things get backed up, but everybody's going to get prizes.
Sometimes Ryan fucks up.
That's not true.
I send it forward and then it's got to go forward, forward.
It's got some forwarding to do.
That guy was funny.
He loved death.
Everything that he spoke about was about dying.
Justin.
Hello?
Hello.
Hey, guys.
How are you?
Good.
How are you doing today?
Good, man.
Hey, Gav.
Hey, Ryan.
You both rock.
I just want to ask Gav what he thought about Howard signing again for another five years, even though the dude's completely out of content and he spends like three hours on the show just complaining about Trump and COVID.
And it's really boring.
I know Gavin's a fan, so I'm just interested.
Yeah, what else is he going to do?
He pretends he has all these hobbies and he loves to draw.
He has no life.
He's agoraphobic.
He would die in there.
His only interaction with human beings is going to work.
His wife doesn't even fuck him anymore.
So he has no choice but to come in.
It's his entire existence.
Bullying Ronnie and Baba Booey.
That's what gives him meaning in life.
And his wife's a retard.
She thinks she's saving the world by bringing a stray dog a snack.
So he always intended to sign.
He pretends he's not going to sign because he wants you to be scared, and it makes it so exciting when he resigns.
But he's got like $90 million a year and nothing else going on.
But you're right.
The show is getting worse and worse and worse.
The COVID bitching and all the interviews are ass-licking.
He tells the celebrity that they're wonderful and then they tell him that he's fantastic.
It's so fucking uninteresting.
Benji is the only one who ever questions him about anything.
And they instantly shut him down.
Benji's really come into his own, man.
He's like, I almost feel bad for him because you know they probably hate him there.
Because they have that one dude from the one Canadian dude who's always doing all the gay stuff.
Oh, I hate that guy.
And I don't know if you remember.
So do I, man.
He's such a fucking.
What's his name, David?
His name is David.
Remember when they were doing like who's the Ronnie voting for?
And it went home for like two or three weeks.
And him and Jason were like, if you're voting for Trump, we can never be friends with you.
We hate you.
And it's just like, what the fuck are you kidding me?
Like, that's not the way it's supposed to go.
Like, just because the guy thinks differently than you doesn't mean that you can't be his friend anymore.
Well, what pisses me off about that show?
To have a certain show today.
It's working class culture.
They made their bones with like pranks and blue-collar dudes, the whackpackers.
It's like a blue car thing.
And then Ronnie is a big part of that.
And then they all start making money and they become fags and they say, you're dead to me if you vote for that because you're a white supremacist.
And you go, you can't come into the clubhouse as a blue-collar dude and then start instilling all these elitist values of made-up bullshit from your fucking elitist dinner parties.
It's crazy.
It's like really disappointing.
Like, the way I always like put it, like, Howard, his career is like, I mean, yeah, I know the Hollywood people love him, but like, just imagine like four years ago, you know, Trump's elected president.
Everybody starts dumping on him.
And then Howard turns like, fuck you guys.
You know, the left, you're crazy.
You're stupid.
You're insane.
Just think of like the way his career would be if he came out in that position instead of like trying to suck off Orlando Bloom.
You know, like, I just think he would be like, here, like, so creepy the way he talks to these celebrities, like they're in bed together.
But another thing that bugs me about him is he'll develop a fetish for some incredibly young actress who's like 18.
And then he'll talk about some show none of his mother.
Yeah, like Millie Bobby Brown.
Millie Bobby Brown.
And there was another one who's on some show like Charmed that we would never see in a million years.
Some like, you know, what's it called there?
The network, like this Z or I forget what it's called.
But some show about like vampires and witches that are at 17.
She's so good on it.
And then he'll have her on the show and you're like, dude, you're not supposed to even know that this show exists.
And you're sitting there with...
Like when he had the chick on from the kissing booth.
That's right.
The kissing booth.
Dude, you know that show is like for 14-year-old girls, right?
You fucking faggot.
Yeah.
It's so disturbing the way he's talking to her.
And then you hear her talk, and she sounds younger than my daughter.
And she's like, yeah, I went to drama school and we worked really hard.
And the director was so nice to work with.
And you're like, fucking gross, dude.
Stop leching over young girls.
You go to high stereotype.
Do you remember when he had Scarlett Johansson in?
Maybe it was like a year ago or who knows anymore because they all kind of blend together.
And she was like complaining about when she was younger, there would be like all these creepy executives staring at her kits and making suggestive comments.
And Howard said something like, Oh, wasn't it great getting all the attention?
And she was like, Dude, no, I was like 14 years old.
It was like, Yeah, 14-year-olds love having 50-year-old men leering over them, staring at their tits.
They love the attention.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, Howard's this huge disappointment.
I actually was a little sad when he was like, I'm because I thought like finally, because I've been listening to this show since like 13.
It's like a big part of my life.
I'm in my 30s now.
So I was like, okay, finally, finally, I can get away from like this monotonous, tedious show.
And it was like five more years.
I was like, oh, God damn it.
This sucks.
So I'll probably keep tuning in because, you know, it's just fun to make fun of at this point.
Yeah.
And sometimes you go to Howard 101 and you hear something from 2015 or even early 2016.
You go, this is still a good show.
It's got balls.
It's all over the place.
It's not whining and griping.
And then here we are.
Every show after like mid-216 on is just bitching, bitching, bitching.
Trump, Trump, Trump.
And then COVID, oh my God, it's made him insufferable.
All right, buddy, thanks for calling.
I'd like to move my friend.
Let's see that chick.
She does actually look incredibly hot.
Is that the chick from the kissing booth?
Yep.
Let's see.
Joey King.
Joey King.
Joey King, how it's there.
So this is one of many young girls he latches out on.
I would say lurker.
Because you don't have a normal life.
You didn't go to high school.
The idea that you date and the relationships don't go on forever, I think is a good thing that you and Jacob broke up.
Me too.
I think it's a great thing.
I also think it's a good thing that we date it.
I think people try to sound like adults.
Yes.
I think it's a great thing.
I think that we all get to a point in our lives where we're angry, but we're ready to move on.
Do you know what I mean?
And it's actually a form of joy.
Some anger, some pain is actually happiness in disguise.
And I learned that through years and years of being fucking 10 years old.
No, it was another girl that was on your screen there with blacker hair.
What was that you were looking at?
That was Scarlett Johansson.
With black hair?
Darker.
Darker.
No, that's not what I was looking at.
What the?
Oh.
That.
Who's that?
Oh, that looks better from far away.
Look at this.
Oh, that's Kimbra.
No, is it?
No, no, it's some Russian doing the song.
A different Russian language.
Oh, there's the deep voice one.
A Russian bride, but could you put up with a fucking accent for the rest of your life?
I mean, she's obviously beautiful, but imagine going, so are we going to see the karaoke on Friday with you?
I understand you have made a reservation at King's Steakhouse.
Maybe we go to King's Steakhouse, and then we take your friend and his beautiful bride to karaoke.
It's actually going to be the three of us.
So I need you to stay here with the kids.
Oh, can we not procure a babysitter?
I guess.
You're so right.
Yeah, I don't know.
I couldn't deal with it.
No.
No, Jimmy.
It does not work.
There's Jim Fannin.
Okay.
Nice try, but no, you got to do the...
Pay for effort.
We got Greg Noodles.
Whatever happened to his girlfriend that he met online?
She's probably talking the way that you just mimicked.
Greg Noodles.
Hi, Greg Noods.
Hey, man.
How are you doing?
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Hearing?
Yep.
You hear me?
Got a quick comment for you guys.
Gab, your doodles, you got to do more historical annotations to your drawings.
Okay, I just added annotations to this one.
I have like a vision of hanging them in my bathroom so when I have guests over who are taking a piss, they can get a little bit of insight.
Okay.
Well, we're going to be selling that American history of a much fancier one.
I don't know if I showed it on the show, but a very fancy history of America.
We're making that into a huge poster this big.
And we'll be selling that on the site.
Yeah, I saw that on Parlor, and I'm looking forward to that.
And I also saw that there was a doodle up on the site that was about a lynching or something.
And I just really like the concept of having misnomers re-explained throughout history.
Right.
Careful with the word misnomer.
I got in a lot of trouble for that.
Misnomer means a word that is wrongly used, not myths.
That might be my fault that you're saying that.
Okay.
I will build a great, great.
Okay, thanks for calling.
Like you more than a friend.
Next call.
I got to get these pens.
Phil.
Phil is on the line.
Wait, I'm trying to click it.
There we go.
Phil.
Yo, G Dog.
He can hear you.
So I took your advice, and I was talking to my sister at Thanksgiving.
You know, she's far lefty, whatever.
And I was a little casual about it.
She was talking about how he was a racist.
And I was like, yeah, you know, it's funny before he was president, and his friends were like Oprah.
That's the correct angle, my friends.
That's how you do it.
Yeah, yeah, you know, just coy about it.
Not overbearing.
But she's like, You know, it's not that I think he's a racist, like, I think he's a sexist.
Okay, well, you said racist, so now we're doing sexism?
You're changing it?
Okay, right.
But it kind of like it kind of hit me right then.
Like, you know, I don't want to get your opinion on this.
Like, you know, the divide now is not between the races.
I don't think the races are that far off.
The divide is between the sexists.
Like, you know, it's women who are wanting to destroy the nuclear family.
You know, they're the ones behind Black Lives Matter and all this shit.
Yeah.
And a lot of lesbians, too.
Like, Black Lives Matter is a lesbian organization.
Right.
And it's, I guess it's both women and white women, too.
And the strange thing is there's a little civil war there where they're like, white woman, you need to stand back and let black women show you what's happening.
It's like there's a civil war within their stupid activism.
Well, they're still in the same team.
And I don't know.
Like, I feel like this whole racism thing would go away if, like, you know, women would focus more on, you know, being at home and having children, you know?
Yeah, they'd be too busy.
Exactly.
The symbols.
All right, buddy, thanks for calling.
Interesting insight.
And I know I sound sexist when I say all this.
It's fucking women this and women that.
But I'm actually talking more about what we've done to women.
I don't think it's I call them, you know, robots.
Someone got water on them.
They're great robots, but they're running around like because they've been told they're men and they shouldn't breed and they should accept getting fucked by any stranger in the middle of the night.
And it's made them frazzled and desperate and lost.
So in their pure form, when they're married and having a good time, they're empowered and interesting and fun to talk to and stuff.
Like my wife's friends, my wife had a girls' night the other night, and it was fun.
I pretended that I thought I was part of it, and then I actually started becoming part of it and enjoying myself.
Because they were interesting women, and they were fulfilled women who had kids and stuff.
All right, next call.
What do I do with my money?
Caller wants to know.
Okay, hey, so I was going to ask that, but you guys started talking about the topic now.
But these ladies are all, especially, you know, I'm 23 years old.
It seems like just so hyper fixated on telling you what you get to do and what you think is okay.
So, you know, for example, I'm a student at college.
I'm actually going to graduate soon.
But, you know, we get assigned into a group and we have to talk about vaccines.
And, you know, I know it's obviously super hyped right now with everything going on with the COVID, but they are so strong in the belief that my body's my choice when it comes to abortion, but they don't even see that when it comes to vaccines.
Like, you know, they just think that with the snap of the fingers, the government should get to do whatever they think is necessary to stop something.
They totally want to make the exchange for security instead of liberty, and they don't even see the problem with that.
So that's all I got to say.
Okay, thanks for calling.
Yeah, they're not big on logic, are they, boys?
And we love them so much.
And when we talk to the ones that have kids, they're a totally different breed.
I don't know.
And then there's, of course, the daddy issues when they get older, they can often be ex-husband issues.
And then they hate the man that dumped them or that they lost or that won't give them enough money.
It's just a mess.
We kind of have destroyed the nuclear family.
In fact, you could argue boomers destroyed the nuclear family.
I mean, they invented divorce, but got J. Fiber.
Yo, what's up, Gabriel McPenis and Bobby Lee's retired cousin?
So I was thinking that kids growing up to be pussies these days, maybe we need more bullying in schools.
What do you think?
Tom Shalou wrote a great book about that, about the joys of bullying and how important it is.
You know, we were all bullies.
We all bullied.
I mean, we were all, yeah, we were all bullied and we were all bullies, or at least the majority of us have experienced both.
And it was cool to experience both.
You know, I remember being in fear walking through my school, my hallways and stuff, from the Carpies.
Carpies were farmers.
We lived near a rural area named Carp.
And the Carpies would fucking kick your ass.
And so you were scared of them.
And that was good.
You should be scared.
You should be scared of some things.
Yeah, let's bring it back.
I see so much of this.
And you see this with Antifa.
Remember those fights we were showing at, it was either yesterday's shows or the show before, where you'd see them pick a fight and then just get punched and it would just rock them.
And you realize, oh, that's your first punch.
You should be getting your first punch.
I would say 11, 10 or 11.
And then you should have like a nosebleed super fight around 13.
And then you should be fighting pretty regularly throughout your teens.
You know, no weapons or anything, but you should have like a fight a year at least.
And then by the time you get older, you can take care of yourself.
You can protect a woman if she's getting slapped on the train.
But you realize that fighting isn't all it's cracked up to be.
And you fucking grow up.
But I'm talking to you here on a human level.
Thanks, Tony.
Here's my tonight.
the best one we've ever had.
Great editing.
I'm just concerned about the scoop.
That bottom lip is such a scooper.
Looks like he's going to drown if it rains.
That was a little off.
It's got to be a smile.
Like, the smile is supposed to come up to here.
Your smile was like a little scoop.
But otherwise, that was excellent.
Brilliant editing.
Delivery was well done.
Good day, sir.
Cody on the line.
Cody?
G-Dog, right, guy.
Hello.
What's up?
What's up?
Yo, dude.
Can you hear me?
Yep.
Yep.
You sound great.
Okay.
So I'm calling.
I live near the fag zone of Seattle, and I'm calling about the enforcement.
Yeah, fag cop of the world.
And I've been going through the process.
I'm about one step away from going to the academy.
I just want to hear your thoughts on it.
If you think it's worth it to even be a cop anymore, you know, going through all this stressful testing just to get told to fuck off and possibly get shot in the back of the head.
It's not really worth it.
That's a tough one, dude.
You want to become a cop in Seattle?
Near Seattle.
What, Tacoma?
Yeah.
I mean, they're all compromised at this point.
It's not like there's a difference between Seattle, Vancouver, Tacoma, and Portland.
They're all the same.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, that's a tough one.
I was wondering if you think, yeah, like, do you think police will ever be, like, respected again and actually looked up to as good guys, you know?
Well, I mean, if you talk to New York cops, they'll tell you that it's all just ebbs and flows.
And there was a time, like, with Dinkins, they were human garbage.
Then with Giuliani, they were respected.
And then with Bloomberg, it was sort of in the middle.
And then with De Blasio, they're back to Dinkins days.
They're human garbage now.
But one thing that I don't want to discourage anyone from pursuing police work, but every time I ask a cop if he would want his kids to be cops, 100% of the time he says no.
And that, like five years ago, it would be the opposite.
It would be like 100% yes.
So.
Yeah, I get that.
I don't know, man.
It's like, you know, I want to do it forever, but I'm tempted to go back to the military for a while and then after getting back out, then trying again later.
But it's like even going in the military.
I don't want to, you know, if Biden somehow gets in office, I don't want to, you know, have Sleepy Joe doesn't even know where he's at being my commander.
Sending you to some fucking crazy war in Kazakhstan.
Exactly.
Get my legs blown off.
And then, you know, now I can't be a cop anyway.
Yeah, you got a tough.
I can't make this call, dude.
You got to talk to cops there and, you know, make an educated decision.
Because my first gut instinct, if you were like a stranger in the street, I'd just say, no, fuck it.
The job's over.
But you're a subscriber of the show, so I care about you.
I like you more than a friend.
So my first instinct is no.
There's no future for that job.
The job is over.
And that's definitely the way New York cops talk.
They're all so happy.
All the retired ones are so happy they dodged a bullet.
But I don't know, dude.
It's looking like no.
Yeah, like all of SPD.
All of SPD is retiring and stuff, you know, getting out as fast as they can.
And, you know, times when you're calling for an emergency is so long, you know, especially how they re-elected Gay Inslee this year, you know, that doesn't help.
Well, the message to cops around the Western world, but especially in Seattle, especially in the Pacific Northwest and Southern California and New York, the message is you are report takers.
Show up five minutes late and take a report.
Exactly.
Yeah, I know a whole bunch of cops around the area, you know, and they're like, oh, we, you know, sometimes depending on what kind of call we get, we'll take our time to get there if it's not like a life-threatening emergency.
Oh, I know police chiefs who will kick the shit out of their guys if they do any policing.
Because he's like, I don't want attention.
Don't fucking rock the boat.
Show up late, take a report, or you're in big trouble.
Exactly.
And it's just a shame that politics just drives all this stuff.
This is kind of a separate thing, but have you heard they passed a thing called Referendum 90 here in Washington, and that's a children's sex ed bill.
And on the ballot, it just says, oh, more sex ed for kids.
But when you look into it, they actually want to change it to in 2021 to 2023, they want to start teaching K to 3 about sex ed.
Oh, my God.
And telling them what trans and polyamorous means?
That's fucking intriguing.
That might be the spark that gets parents fighting back.
Like, I hate this term.
Do kids know what polyamorous means?
Polyamorous is a sexual preference.
I don't want kids knowing what sex is at that age.
Exactly.
I completely agree.
And they're like, you know, I don't want my children to know what racism is.
Like that clip you showed earlier of that Cartoon Network thing.
I just couldn't believe what I was watching, you know, talking about racism.
Like, who cares?
I don't care what your skin color is.
I'm five.
So, so five-year-old, polygamy, polyamorous is when you'll suck and fuck anything that moves.
What's sucking and fucking?
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Thanks for calling, dude.
Make an educated decision.
You're about to make a big move.
Oh, shit.
I fucked up.
I fucked up my drawing.
What do you got there?
I'll show you when it's done.
Free speech TV, what the F?
Okay, Phil, I want to talk about the Trump button.
I think you guys are doing shenanigans.
Okay?
I am beyond angry.
I am beyond angry.
I am beyond angry.
Good.
Hey, first time, long time, or maybe it's backwards, I don't remember.
I think you're being disingenuous with the Trump button because I don't believe it's random.
Last couple shows, I've noticed it's just a little too perfect when you're looking at the media.
Let's see what the Trump button thinks about what you're saying.
Hmm.
Do you think that was edited?
Sir?
I think you know the sequence because it's a cheap Chinese Trump button and you know what's about to happen next.
No, no, no.
And he remembers it?
Like in the back of his head, like, you know, 15 minutes apart.
Because it was spaced out.
I would need like a sheet of paper that has them all and I would have to peek little peeks at it.
And being good at it, if you will.
All right, you got me.
Yeah.
Plus, I'm drawing, so I can't be looking at anything.
Look at the view.
Look at this masterpiece I did.
But we should make our own button, don't you think?
Yeah.
With all the hits.
All right, we're out of time, guys.
Thank you for tuning in.
We got big, big plans for the upcoming days.
I'm going to make sure that everyone is thoroughly entertained.
Where's my pens with the quills, by the way?
No.
I don't know.
How about that?
So that's going to be fun.
Stay tuned for we're going to get new contributors too.
We're really going on a fumph over the next few weeks because we appreciate you.
And I don't know.
We don't want to lose our jobs.
Yeah, this was an interesting episode.
It's amazing when you put all these things together into the individual categories.
You realize that we're living in a 16-year-old punk rocker's brain.
And 16-year-old punk rockers don't really believe what they're saying.
They're just trying to make their parents go, what the fuck?
They're trying to blow your mind, dude.
And then you explain it to them later and they go, yeah, I don't know.
Like when I would tell my dad, you don't care about the working man.
And he goes, you've never had a fucking job.
You're 13.
And I go, oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
We need to make them go, oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
And I think the best way to do that is through humor.
You know, John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix, the FBI didn't know what to do with them because they used humor.
As soon as you just start doing wanton violence, you lose.
We have to be slow and steady when the race.
So stand black and stand by, and we will beat them at their own game.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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