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Oct. 29, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
02:04:05
GOML LIVE #71 - HUNTING CHASON
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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGinnis.
Honeybody in the mud dress floats down the well and it assumes the shape and the body of a little girl.
Here, I recognize that girl.
Loneliness that's pretty heavy.
A dress floats down the well and assumes the shape in the body of a little girl.
I recognize that girl.
She stumbled in sometime last loneliness, says Nikki, when he was in the birthday party.
And we were carving pumpkins at the house tonight with the kids.
My wife was in a...
Oh, shit, we don't have a book of the day.
My wife was having some trouble with her creativity.
Her pumpkins sucked.
And she couldn't find any scary movies.
So she put on, she just put, I mean, scary music.
So she put on this will be fun.
Debunk this, Matt Palumbo.
Just chose it now.
She just looked up on Spotify Spooky and then was playing Spooky.
So it was like, and I go, what are you doing?
Like, we're spooky experts.
Don't play Walmart spooky shit.
And I showed her that song, which she's the Nick Cave fan.
Deep in the Woods, birthday party, scariest song ever made from the perspective of a serial killer.
And then we put that on.
So I just realized with all this election shit, we have one more episode before Christmas.
So tomorrow has to be our spooky spaghetti and spooky sauce show.
Nice.
We got to get spooky tomorrow.
We have one more day to be spooky.
So we got a little spooky there.
But guys, I know the world, America is on the precipice.
It's on the cliff edge.
If Trump doesn't win, the country's over.
If he does, the country's permanently saved.
I think he can do permanent swamp drainage.
So we're fixed.
We won't have to worry about it for like another three presidents.
But in the midst of all that, it's important to remember that it's time to get spooky.
This Saturday's spooky night in a tradition called Sam Hain that predates Christianity.
That's a big deal.
It's a very white ceremony, and anyone who's not white using it is appropriating white culture.
Right?
I would say.
Like, what if a bunch of white people celebrated Kwanzaa?
Kwanza.
Anyway, debunk this, Matt Palombo, great researcher.
He did Spygate with Dan Bongino, which was a huge hit.
And it just...
Shattering liberal lies.
He just goes through all the basic tropes.
And he's a fan of the show.
We've had him on the show before.
I just chose this book a few seconds ago.
We're wearing shirts from our favorite lawn care company in Florida.
Oh, yes.
Tags are a little itchy, I find.
You can take the tags off, sure.
Let's take the tags off.
Gilden dry blend.
I love a Gilden shirt.
And we like to.
You like to LARP as a bunch of shit.
I like to LARP as a blue-collar guy.
And fluorescent colors.
Fluorescent colors are very LARPy, although the watch kind of ruins it.
This Bobby from Bobby from the Proud Boys Hurricane Haba down in Florida.
He thought it was short.
You guys should be doxing him.
Did you see him?
No, he said, promote me, man.
Go on.
Give me a shout out.
He's like, I've been doxxed left, right up.
Now, he's so awesome.
Him and his family roll.
He was there at the flotilla.
So he's in the video.
You can catch him in the background there.
Great guy.
And then he also sent safety green.
There's bags under my eyes, dude.
Safety green.
Isn't this safety?
No.
Well, it is probably safety orange.
The glasses hide the bags.
I mean, you look good.
Thanks, man.
Thanks, dude.
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jacbd.com promo code gavin 20 off all orders i called garrett from compound media to come up here and fix this fucking terrible sound because it's sound with you do you have the gain on no the well gate the gate is off the gate is off i don't like gate when i watch mets games they when they talk the crowd is silenced so you hear yeah we're gonna be here and it's really irritating right just have the crowd in the
him joe beden Okay.
Oh, I thought of a fucking really irritating name recently.
Okay.
Chasin.
That's terrible.
I said it to Johnny, my son, and he went like this.
Like, I think it's better than just Juicy Smollett.
Jussie Smollett.
That's a name already.
Chasin.
Is it?
Oh, yeah.
There's a guy named Chasin?
Chasin is a boy's name meaning hunter.
Dude, that's a California name.
I'm too on the nose there.
Chasin.
I knew a hunter.
I knew a, like a Jeff with one F. A Spencer.
A Jeff with one F?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Guess what the other F is for?
Fuck off, Jeff.
A Jeff with one F?
Yeah.
I couldn't be friends with Jeff.
All of their names were so odd.
You know, like.
If I was drowning and a guy named Jeff with one F saved my life, I would jump back in.
I wouldn't want to be beholden to a Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
That's terrible, isn't it?
That's the worst.
Jeff.
How do you say it?
Ew, dude, Garen.
Garen?
Oh, my God.
Brody with two E's.
Brody with two E's?
Oh, there's your chasing.
Which one's worse?
Was it the E N or the O's?
I think Owen is worse.
That is worse.
Yeah.
When that whole shit happened with Juicy Small A, Dave Chappelle goes, at least we can stop pretending that Jussie is our name.
What did he say?
At least we can stop calling him Jussie.
Yeah.
So, as you know, this is the way the show works.
On Wednesdays, it's live as live can be.
Every show is live, but this is live, live.
Jimmy Kimmel Live is recorded at 5.
This is as live as live can be.
If I got shot, the show stops.
Hint, hint.
And then so the first half hour is a free audio podcast.
You're still uploading those audio podcasts, right?
Oh, yeah.
And we have some sponsors.
We don't really get to a lot of news because there's not that much to squeeze into the first half hour.
And then we talk from 9 to 10.
And then at 10, we take your calls.
As we take your calls, I do some dudes.
I fuck guys up the butt.
I show that.
So, no, I do some doodles.
Sorry.
And the links for that are at censored.tv.
The doodles are for sale.
They're auctioned off.
I just did Sherrod Small's podcast, Race Wars.
And Sherrod, a guy I know very well, was asking me why Proud Boys are racist and why are they black Proud Boys.
And, I mean, there's two camps, really.
There's the people who are rational and understand the truth.
And then there's these others that you go, well, like, what should I do?
Just tattoo I'm not racist on my forehead?
And then I got into it with Karen, of course.
She doesn't want a man.
Her ovaries are not drying up.
She's doing great.
Kurt Metzger did not waste the best years of her life by dating her for seven years in her 20s.
And she's a successful writer that you've never heard of.
Terrible.
It reminds me of that letter that guy sent where he goes.
He goes, I'm sorry, she goes.
She sent me some long writing to look at.
The grammar was a nightmare, and it was way too long, and it was a rambling mess.
And I said, just fucking become a waitress or a barmaid.
You meet a lot of guys that way, and then you'll meet a guy who has a crush on you.
You'll get to know him because he's a regular.
He'll marry you and you'll be fine.
And she goes, thanks, I did that.
I'm married now.
It worked.
I got a few cool letters like that.
Hey, why don't we jump ahead to the mail just for fun?
Alrighty.
Go with the graphic?
I got a letter from this guy named Joe who got me the Budweiser golf bag.
Wow.
No, no, don't go with the graphic.
Okay.
We're not doing the mailbag.
Yeah, we are.
Let's do the mailbag.
Oh.
Never been done.
No.
This is the thing about the working class.
Us working class guys, we take risks.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn the price together.
It's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
You know, it's possible that a lot of these people who only hear the audio podcast have never heard the mailbag before.
It's a good teaser to bring them in.
You know what?
If you've never heard the mailbag before, I think it's time you heard it.
Well, I have to edit this then.
Are you ready?
Who wants to hear the mailbag?
Are you doing good, Giuliani?
Are you fixing your mic?
Oh, grody.
You have your headphones on.
Is that making a sound?
Yeah, it is making a sound.
That's the mailbag.
It actually sounds like balls.
I don't know how to.
Dude, I listen to your podcast.
It sounds like balls.
Oh, yeah, the audio's fucked up.
No, no, no, no.
It literally sounds like testicles are being hit on the mic.
They are.
We did that.
It's called the mailbag.
Oh, that's gay.
No, it's not.
I didn't like it.
Having balls isn't gay.
Holy shit.
What?
One of my pubes got caught in the mesh of the mic, and it's hanging.
Oh, my God.
Just kidding.
I do see hair popping out of it.
You see those little, like, thin, silvery.
Maybe.
God, maybe Gary is.
Ryan is so dumb that you'll do a dumb prank like that and he'll go.
No, no, I see it.
He'll go, yeah, I see the pubes.
I do see a white hair.
He invented them.
You can't have seen them.
So do you have this letter from Joe?
Let's see here.
Did I send it to you?
I think you did.
Yeah, I think he CC'd you.
Yeah.
So like right out of a dream.
No, it was sent to the mailbag.
Okay.
But I forwarded it to you at 4.29 p.m.
Oh, wow, that's glorious.
Like a dream.
Like, this is better than being a billionaire.
Someone heard my sob story about the fucking golf bag.
By the way, I spent an hour and 20 minutes on eBay today trying to complain about this guy who refuses to give me my money back.
There's no customer service.
There's no email.
Every time you go into help, it routes you back to the website, which will not help you.
And it just gives you these essays on how to deal with the seller.
The seller says, hey, Mr. McInnes, you sent me back a coffee grinder, a wheelbarrow wheel, and The lid of a bleach wipes thing in a box that's too small for a golf bag.
And I go, Yeah, that's what you sent me.
So the only way he could not be lying is someone at UPS takes his label off, steals the golf bag, puts it on a new smaller box with some crap in it, which I guess is possible, but can't we track that in UPS?
Because I have a video on one of my home cameras at my house of the UPS guy getting out of the truck and walking to my door with this shitty box.
No, he's sus.
Anyway.
He's ejected.
I'll keep trying because technically he has till tonight at midnight to pay me back.
But anyway, someone wrote in, Dear Gavin, and they call you Faggot.
That's just hard.
I was touched by your failed attempt of acquiring the highly sought-after vintage red leather Budweiser bag after a long Adderall-fueled night of combing the web.
I found not one, but a few for sale throughout the country via FB Marketplace.
I'm banned from Facebook, so I don't know what that is.
Naturally, I pursued the best available, mint condition, used only a few times.
Anyways, it's yours.
Wow.
Again, I just ejaculated.
So we just had gay sex.
Look at how mint conditioned that is.
I think it has an original tag on there.
Look at that.
No, I can't be original.
Look at that.
I don't know.
It's the guy.
It's the guy's whatever.
Golf club.
It's pretty legit.
And the cover, most people don't retain the cover.
You never use the cover, but he's got it.
Sir, this is gay.
You just made me ejaculate.
I would consider it an honor to help restore your gleeful fantasies of gloating at the range.
All joking aside, you've been very influential.
Not only did you red pill me, you helped turn my once working baby mama into my wife and a stay-at-home mom to our three children.
This is the very least I can do.
Please keep up the fight.
I like you more than a friend, Joe.
And then he says, have Ryan contact me at Arrives on November 2nd.
I'll ship it out that day.
Yeah, he messaged me through Twitter.
Isn't that fucking awesome?
Yeah, that's the best.
Wow.
Great guy.
Great guy.
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Get a $50 Bubba and Hanks gift card.
And the whole family had Bubba and Hanks burgers tonight.
Cool.
They were all inhaled.
And we had six in a pack.
There's only five of us.
So I gave one to the dog.
And I'm not nice to that dog.
I don't hurt him, but I don't give him fucking fancy meats.
And so I put it in his bowl and he's looking at me and he looked up at me like, are you fucking serious?
Is this poison?
Are you giving me a complete hamburger?
I get those on my birthday, but on a random day, and I go, just fucking eat it before I change my mind, bitch.
Literal bitch.
No, actually, it's a dude.
A dude.
And he took it and he ran away to the back door.
Just eat it there privately, just in case I changed my mind.
Yeah.
But yeah, it was delicious.
Now we got another letter that I was fascinated by.
I think I just sent it to you.
Who was that from again?
It was from a guy named Ryan.
It might have been the dude playing the drums.
The dude playing the drums.
Oh, yeah.
I just sent it to you recently, shit, dick.
I'm looking for it.
Well, when I say recently, I mean like within the past hour.
Did it not arrive?
No.
I got one from Curtis that you forwarded me, and that's it.
But I was sure I sent it.
I'm never wrong.
It was from a guy named Ryan.
No, you were...
Sorry, he sent it to you.
That's it.
At 10.49 a.m. today.
And it's called Gavin Censored in Church?
Ryan Rivera.
Oh, that was from yesterday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it says 10.49 a.m.
Gotcha.
Hold on, let me get that.
So that's today.
Do you not check your email?
I actually saw that one yesterday.
I saw your reply to it.
Yeah, here we go.
Yeah.
No, you didn't see it yesterday.
It arrived at 10.49 a.m. today.
So why are you saying it's yesterday?
He might have sent this already.
I remember seeing this.
Today.
Unless he resent it.
Resent it?
Yeah.
The other one didn't have the attachment, and it had a link.
Here's the full video.
Okay, here.
Ryan, you're wrong.
This was sent today.
Stop saying it was sent yesterday.
You're always wrong.
So anytime you have a hunch, just pick the opposite, and it'll be true.
And the opposite of yesterday is today at 10.49 a.m.
Anyway, Gavin and Ryan, nice Christian man, doesn't call anyone a faggot.
My wife is in the middle of a course on biblical womanhood at church.
During Thursday's lecture, they quoted Gavin directly on the nobility of women choosing to be housewives.
She was so excited that she recorded this segment on her phone and sent me the clip.
See Attached Movie.
And then he says two things.
One, 54 seconds in, you can literally see her soul leave her body after admitting she's not married, has no children, and works literally all the time.
Not unlike the race horse chick we were just talking about.
Two, the church has now censored the clip from their website.
Here is the full video.
The quote should have been at 3738 of the lecture, But it's been cut entirely out.
Okay, so let's watch this offensive thing that has been edited out of a church seminar.
I'm probably talk about fucking kids and Satan and how the church is evil.
Who is a co-founder of Vice Media?
Said this quote I want to read to you guys.
I think it's really profound.
He said, I see the housewife as a far superior vocation to mine and to most.
I mean, I make commercials and funny videos and TV shows or whatever, film projects that people will watch for 10 minutes and go, eh, and move on with their day.
My wife creates life from her vagina.
Maybe there's the word vagina.
Maybe.
Then she shapes this human life.
I'm not saying that you have to have babies and you have to stay in the kitchen and you can't have a life.
Nobody is saying that.
That is a totally unreasonable thing to say.
All I am saying is, why are you trivializing such a miracle?
I'm really like that.
And for me personally, I'm not married.
I don't have children.
And I work literally all the time.
My point is not that that's a bad thing.
My point is that having equal and having equality with men doesn't mean that we have to live our lives a certain way.
We have the freedom to choice, to choose, and that's what it should all be about.
And employees are not.
Her dialogue got worse after she said, I don't have kids and I work literally all the time.
Because she's thinking.
She's thinking about something else entirely.
Again, if you're an oncologist, you're curing cancer.
If you're Kennedy on Fox Business News, if you're Barbara Corcoran, if you're Margaret Thatcher, if you're Ann Coulter, you were meant to work.
That's 5%, maybe.
95% of women are better at home.
It's just natural.
Today on the podcast, they both started screaming and laughing at me because I said women are better at caring and nurturing children than men.
I'm like, I think that's true of every animal besides humans.
Like, are male horses better at raising their, what do you call them?
Calves?
Seahorses give birth, male seahorses, but there we go.
Male seahorses.
So anyway, just briefly, let's go to 3738 and see where they cut it out.
Not that that'll be very elucidating.
Hi, I'm Kay.
Hi, I'm 3738.
Here comes having equal rights and having equality with men, which doesn't mean that I wanted.
Oh, I see.
They have commercials and shit they cut back and forth to.
Looks like kind of a fun thing.
Little shower?
Yeah.
I just want you to understand that you can do both.
Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
Not as much as I regret not having a family, not being there to raise them.
I know exactly what you're doing.
Was she portrayed as stupid in that movie?
Sure you did.
You always do.
You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't.
To you, a house.
Okay, this is where the show gets fucking crazy.
Speaking of God, because something freaky happened in Philadelphia that's got me freaking oot, like a freaked oot Scotsman.
And I'm glad we're squeezing it into the podcast.
All right, so riots in Philadelphia.
By the way, Sherad goes, yeah, they shot a guy who was suffering from mental illness.
Okay.
He was running at cops with a knife in his hand.
He goes, they shot him 10 times?
How many times have we seen people get shot and get up and beat the shit out of cops?
This whole Jesse James thing, where you're supposed to blow out their kneecaps or shoot the gun out of their hand, it's not blazing saddles.
Someone's coming at you with a knife.
You come at cops with a knife, all bets are off.
Sorry.
So anyway, idiotic riots.
We could go through them for hours.
I've seen like nine hours of fucking footage of places burning, mostly black-owned businesses, it seems, getting shut down.
But this particular video freaked the shit out of me.
And you're about to see why.
I'm going to sound like a lunatic right now.
I watched this and considered the possibility that God is talking to me and that God wants Trump to win.
He's been anointed by the Lord, the creator of our universe.
I know.
I'm watching this from your perspective and going, this dude's fucking lost it.
Okay, so go to 2-3.
It's some Jews who are at a BLM rally in Philadelphia supporting the protests.
I assume by proxy, kind of supporting the riots.
And guys, like these Jews who think that they're part of the black revolution, they don't want you.
They don't like you.
They're anti-Semitic, radical leftist blacks, Marxist blacks.
Marxists are anti-Semitic.
Soros is anti-Semitic.
He's not a Jew.
He doesn't believe in God.
And I've always said, like, all these anti-Semites who say, you know, Jews are wearing the media and Jews this, Jews, that, they're not really talking about Orthodox Jews like Ron Coleman.
They're talking about the guys who put the brackets on their name.
And those guys love to pretend they're Jews, but they're Jews in name only.
And how many times have I called them ginos?
Like they'll go to synagogue once in a while, but they don't really care.
They could give a less of a fuck about Israel.
They'd love it to just blow up.
Now, usually the Jews who have yarns on and the belt with the tassels, you know they're on our side.
You know They're conservatives who love Trump.
But occasionally, especially with the younger millennials, they'll get lost and they'll start trying to appease BLM.
Sometimes it's out of fear where they want to cover their ass and say, kill me last.
But sometimes it's they're betraying their own fucking religion by supporting a Marxist group that wants them destroyed.
Anyway, these poor bastards showed up at the rioting saying, me too.
And look how well it went for them.
Amalek!
Amalek!
What y'all doing down here?
You live here.
You live here.
Y'all know, y'all know these.
We the real Jews, right?
Y'all know we the real Jews, right?
So that radical notion that the black Hebrew Israelites purport, which is God, when he said the chosen ones, he meant, I think it's like Ethiopia or something.
And he didn't mean the people in Israel who think they're Jews.
So they literally laugh at the Holocaust.
And they say, you killed a bunch of stupid white people who think they're Jews.
We're the Jews.
So that's a radical belief that is apparently relatively mainstream in urban culture in America.
We don't need any solidarity.
Tricky situation, too.
It's like dealing with bears.
Like you don't want to run.
You're going to jump.
You just got to kind of show strength, show testosterone, and then get out of there.
Okay.
Go back.
What was that last quote?
So a nine a synagogue.
Revelation so and nine a synagogue is saved.
Revelations 2 and 9, synagogue of Satan.
So he's saying Revelations 3.9, I believe.
So a nine a synagogue is saved.
Or maybe he's getting it wrong.
So the synagogue of Satan.
Let's go to 2.5.
I'd never heard of that before.
Me neither.
The Bible hates Jews.
I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan who claim to be Jews, though they are not, but are liars, I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you.
So it's the same thing a bunch of times in different words, right?
So keep going down.
And it says, this is the second time in the letters to the seven churches that the synagogue of Satan is mentioned, and the fourth time Satan is referenced.
Apparently, oh, 2-9, 2-1-3, so I guess he was saying 2-9.
Apparently the Jews of...
So he got the wrong citing.
He said 2-9, but it was 3-9.
2-9 was a different Jew thing.
Apparently, the Jews of Philadelphia, like those of Smyrna, made life hard for the believers in Philadelphia.
This is not a blanket reference to all of Judaism, nor all Jewish people.
Rather, Jesus is indicting a specific group in a specific area.
In fact, Jesus said these offenders were Jews in name only.
What?
How many times have I said Jino on this show?
That's crazy.
He called them liars.
They actually belonged to Satan and served him.
I'm not saying, by the way, that Jews belong to Satan.
But isn't it fucking mental that this chapter, this portion of the Bible, what's it called when you have a thing?
This Psalm?
This passage?
Is about Philadelphia.
They were in Philadelphia.
He's talking about ancient Philadelphia, which was in, I think it's what is modern-day Turkey, right?
It was Greece back then or something.
But this passage is about Philadelphia.
Am I going crazy?
Go to 2-4.
I didn't even know this.
When I read it, I didn't know there was an ancient Philadelphia.
But that's what Philadelphia is named after.
Wow.
The town of ancient Cilicia and later, whatever.
And it was a...
It remains under Philadelphia Minor.
What does that say?
A Titler?
I can't see.
See of the Roman Catholic Church.
It's tentatively located near Ismi Orson in Asiatic Turkey.
Wow.
How fucking crazy is that?
Am I nuts for thinking that's really, really, really, really weird?
That they're in Philadelphia.
They're acting like ginos.
And the Bible mentioned that, and it was talking about Philadelphia?
Just a coincidence?
Oh, make them come and fall down at your feet.
Yikes.
I sent it to Ron Coleman going, am I losing my mind or is this some sort of message from God?
And he just sends back the emoji.
The shrug.
All right, that's enough for the free show.
Could have been a message from God.
Could it just be a crazy coincidence?
But I'm fascinated by it.
And that's enough for the mailbag and a biblical story half hour here at Get Off My Lawn.
Those who have paid to subscribe, it's only $10 a month.
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Wayne Dupree, Soph, Soph.
We have Dear Censored, where we catch up on your letters, because I only read about 5% of the letters we get.
And then, of course, a huge back archive of free speech debates and my old show on CRTV, Milo Yiannopoulos, Copper Cab, all for $10.
Jacob Wall.
Jacob Wall, you couldn't possibly watch it all.
So you should only watch TV, I say, like two hours a day.
And we definitely got your two hours a day covered.
And the message Of the network is simple.
Be brave.
You know, Sherrod Small was saying to me on the Race Wars podcast today, which I think comes out tomorrow.
He was like, Why did this, if you're not racist, why does this keep coming up?
And I said, Because I'm one of the few Americans to, when I hear anything that's racial, I just go, Nah, that's bullshit.
That didn't happen like that.
And that wasn't white people's fault.
I'm one of the few white people who just goes, yeah, no, I'm not apologizing.
And that wasn't a thing.
And, you know, everyone was fucking slaves, dude.
Get over it.
Whereas most Americans just immediately capitulate and go, I know, I'm so sorry.
What can I do?
How much ass can I kiss?
Because they don't want to get in trouble.
They don't want to get fired.
And to them I say, get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
My one and only that's a fucking ugly book cover,
Matt Palumbo.
Isn't it?
What does the inside of the book look like without that sleeve?
Solid color?
Yeah, like all books, Ryan.
I hope the new show is going well.
I'm certainly enjoying it a lot.
Hopefully this book comes in handy during your debate shows.
Matt, P.S. I'm expecting that you'll make fun of my signature during the next appearance.
I write in all my books when I read, and it's really just notes to my children, because I assume they'll go through my books one day and see what I had to say.
But they're never fucking going through these books.
That's a dumb pipe dream.
But you know what I was thinking?
I was saying this to my wife, and I kind of lied.
I said, there's a black mirror.
She doesn't like when I talk about myself because all I do is talk about myself.
And I lied and said, there's a black mirror episode where a guy downloads his entire brain before he dies.
And not only does it have all his stories and everything he has to say, but it also notices his patterns.
So when the kids have a question like, Dad, can I go out to Sandy's to sleep over?
He goes, no, you haven't done your homework.
So you don't really die.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not an episode of Black Mirror.
It should be.
There's one very similar to that.
There's similar to that, right?
Yeah, yeah, where it's like, create the guy.
I just said that.
And I realized I have that with all of my vice archives, the books, the tacky mag articles, the Gavin McKinnis show, G-O-M-L, CR-TV, this show, which is not over today,
but even if it was, I have more Gav than they could ever possibly handle.
That's true.
So, like, I could die.
I still want to be there, like, to hug them when they're sad and all that, but.
And all the parenting stuff, it's like you're teaching them how to, you know, do parenting.
Yeah, it's so different from, like, when I was, if my dad died when I was 18, what would I have?
I'd have a few black and white photos.
I'd have to interrogate his friends to get some stories.
That's it.
Yeah.
My great-great-grandchildren have tons of shit.
Anyway.
Should we get into it now?
Should we start the show?
We shall.
Should we do this?
Yes.
Here's something stupid.
So remember that drawing?
Remember that.
Ryan hasn't heard of anything, but there was an Instagram account called Support Black Art.
And it had a woman carrying these two white heads.
Fat black woman carrying white heads.
This is 1-1.
And they only feature black artists on their Instagram.
And I was like, fucking these psycho-losers.
So I started following it.
It's so good.
Oh, really?
The art is incredible.
And my personal theory with art is I think it's genetic.
I think you're just blessed from birth.
Like my mother, my dad, my grandfather was a professional painter, very talented man.
And my mom wasn't really into art.
But I remember as a kid, I would say, hey, can you show me how to draw like whatever, a bunny?
And she'd just like, ugh.
And she'd grab a pen and draw a perfect bunny, perfectly.
Go, something like that, I guess.
Like it was just in her blood.
And I'm pretty good.
But I think that there's these rare talents like skateboarding, can't really be learned.
Stand-up comedy, being funny like Louis C.K., he was just born that way.
And art.
There's people who struggle hard and practice and they get their thing, but they don't have the fairy dust.
I don't think this person has the fairy dust, by the way.
But some of them do.
And when I signed up to this, I was expecting like that fucking Julia Louise Dreyfus thing where, remember that?
And he was like a freed slave and he was drawing these stick figures of horses.
And you're like, just because you're a freed slave doesn't mean I want to see your shit drawings.
But most of these have the sprinkles.
And it's kind of anti-racist in a way.
Because what I've noticed with the magic sprinkles with skateboarding, comedy, and art is it's not racial.
There's not more blacks, less blacks.
There's a normal amount of black people who have this incredible gift.
No, that doesn't count.
Your taste is so shitty that.
Yeah, like that's up there.
That's nice.
Stylish.
Yeah, stylish, weird, unique.
Looks like mixed media, too, with the borders.
They did some sort of...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, what's that?
A weird gold border that changes color.
Perfectly aligned.
Wait, just show me the whole thing, though, because go up a bit.
There was this really cool up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
There, there, the black guy smoking the cigarette.
Black guy smoking the cigarette.
Isn't that intense?
Yeah, that is intense.
There's a few of those.
With the red, right hand.
Makes me play that song.
Don't you like that's the kind of thing you want in your home?
Whoa, that's interesting.
No, that's gay.
So, yeah, this one's cool.
Sure.
Drawing hands is the hardest thing in the world.
He did a great job.
He even got, like, the black hands.
You know what I mean?
Like, more cracks.
That Christopher Columbus thing is stupid, but it looks cool.
Go up?
She's obviously incredibly talented.
Anyway, that's cool.
So yeah, some people have the fairy dust.
And you're not allowed to talk about that anymore.
You can't talk about the fairy dust because it implies that some people...
It gets into eugenics.
And it implies that it's nature over nurture.
And the problem with nature over nurture is it implies that some people are just bad.
You can't say some people are just good because it implies some people are just bad.
And you can't say short Asians are bad at basketball because you're getting into patterns there.
And you can only talk about good patterns.
Well, I can talk about whatever the fuck I want here on censored.tv.
And I've noticed that there's fairy dust.
And some people just have the magic.
And we should appreciate that.
We should sit back and go, holy shit, you're so blessed.
How lucky you are to have this incredible talent where you can paint a black guy smoking a cigarette and with just like some scratches and black paint and it looks fucking perfect and amazing.
That's a no.
It's like very modern.
That's just photorealism.
That's not interesting to me.
I like when it's kind of weird.
Yeah, like that's a trip.
That person has the fairy dust.
God just went, I'm going to try this out.
I'm going to try it on you.
That's just a shame about hip-hop, too.
Like, they have such a kind of a natural gift for singing.
Like, some of the most powerful singing ever.
Like, Otis Redding.
Remember that one thing where he's just a cappella?
Heard it through the grapevine?
That's Marvin Gaye, fucktard.
No, it's not.
Heard it through the grapevine is not Marvin Gaye.
Thanks for slowing the show down with your total illiteracy.
Oh, it is.
But no, it's an Otis Redding song.
Sitting on the dock of the bay or something.
But now it's all rap, and that's all the kids want to do.
Sure.
And now you lost my total train of thought.
You just wrecked the show once again.
Yeah, I was talking to a teacher in the Bronx, and I said, dude, I'm looking at this building across from our gym that's being that's, I've watched it built.
I watched them dig the hole because I go to my gym every day.
And over the past two years, I've watched them like dig the hole, set the foundation, and slowly build up.
And it's a beautiful, yuppie building in a shitty part of town with like glass, all glass on one side.
And I'm just, I'm so frustrated when I look at it because I want students to be here every day.
And I said to him, I go, dude, you should bring your class here.
Get an architect or a contractor even.
It doesn't have to be the guy who designed the building.
Anyone, find like one.
I bet you the dude who like puts the rebar in the cement knows about the fundamentals of this entire building, right?
He's not going to be like, I don't know.
I just show up, put the rebar in there and go, fuck, that's a big building and run away.
I'm sure most of the tradesmen who work there know about how this building is built.
And I'm fascinated by it.
Like, I don't even get the rain part.
You're putting up the insulation.
What if it rains?
Isn't there water now in the insulation?
You're outside.
You got to wait for three days after it rains to dry out the little bit of insulation you put up?
I don't know.
Anyway, I said to him, yeah, I wish there was your class was here.
And he goes, we actually used to do that.
We used to bring our classes.
And he's in the South Bronx shithole, public school, not charter.
So like the dregs of society.
Everyone there is going to be in a gang soon.
If he blinks, they're in a gang.
And many of them are in a gang.
Many of his students only show up for lunch, for the free lunches.
And he goes, we used to do that.
And then word got out.
And they said, why are you taking black people to construction sites?
You don't want them to go to Harvard.
You think they're not good enough?
You want them to go pour fucking cement, which has an element of classism to it, right?
Like you want to be a disgusting construction worker like all these other fucking losers and not someone who wears a tweed blazer with leather elbows and listens to NPR.
And my answer to that is yes, that is what I want.
I do want him pouring cement.
I don't want him listening to NPR with leather elbows.
So he goes, the whole program got canceled.
Wow.
How frustrating is that?
It's sort of like St. Giuseppe's Pizza over there in Illinois near Chicago.
Well, two hours from Chicago, but that's how I place it.
Remember him?
Joe Pizza?
He came on our show.
He was giving free, everyone was hating the cops.
He gave the cops free pizzas.
He got shit for it.
Fucking dick, how dare you?
What an asshole.
He gotten shit for it.
So they said, why aren't you giving pizzas to poor blacks?
Why are you giving them to racist cops?
And he goes, okay, how about this?
I'll give them to the poor blacks.
I'll give them to the projects also, which is like, don't they already have welfare and food stamps?
Are they really starving?
And he goes, but I'll have the cops deliver them so we can help strengthen the community.
Young people can see cops showing up with pizzas.
And he does that.
That works.
And so I go, that's a great story.
So I get him on my show.
And he comes on my show and it goes, well, we explain what I just explained to you.
He puts it on Facebook.
He has his Facebook page canceled.
He can't advertise on Facebook.
And then the cops call him and they go, yeah, we've been getting a lot of angry calls.
We can't do the pizza thing anymore.
So that's the end of cops getting pizza.
That's the end of the projects getting pizza.
That's the end of the community coming together with cops going to the projects to deliver pizzas.
That is the future of the left.
That is America, if Trump loses.
The left doesn't want people getting together.
What the left wants to do is nanny you.
They want to enforce this bizarre set of rules that end up with a nation come apart.
That's what they're going for.
And we've seen it.
That's what socialism does.
We've seen it in Venezuela.
We've seen it in Cuba.
We've seen it all over the fucking world.
That was episode 52.
JOML Live 52.
That was back when I could drink half a bottle of bourbon and still do the show.
Let's have some fun here.
That was a bummer.
Let's talk about the election and the fucking loser that's running against Trump named Joe Biden, who is...
Beden.
Joe Beden.
Who is retarded?
Retarded.
What are you doing, you retard?
In French Canada, they just pronounce the words with the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable.
So I'd be Gavin.
And they'd always say, what are you doing, you retard?
1-2, Ryan.
What are you doing?
Are you watching the show or are you on the show?
I didn't hear the 1-2.
This is fun.
Insurance option that is helping everyone get care that they can afford affordable affordable affairs.
That's not carpe donctum.
That happens.
Insurance option that is helping everyone get care that they can afford.
Stick a thumbtack in it, dude.
It's like the podium can take a tiny hole.
Also, his brain is garbage.
1-3.
We see him discussing how he had his brain removed.
Had a cranial aneurysm on the autopsy.
Sorry, his skull.
I had two cranial aneurysms, and they literally had to take the top of my head off.
I mean, they take a saw and they cut your head off and go in to find the artery that is.
One was leaking, the other that hadn't before it burst.
The second operation, after the first one, which there was a bleed, they gave me a relatively low chance of surviving.
I remember going down to the dock, asking the doc, you know, you're counting the ceiling tiles and you're heading in the operating room.
A lot of you have been there.
I said, what are my chances of getting off this table and being completely normal?
He said, well, your chances of living are a lot better.
And I said, what's the most likely thing that will happen if I live?
He said, well, the side of the brain that the first aneurysm is on controls your ability to speak.
How many is that?
Spooky?
By the way, that's for our Halloween episode.
Where were you?
If that was at a luncheon, that kind of discourse is fine.
And someone paid for you to be there.
It's some fundraiser.
But if that was any kind of remotely political event, like TMI.
Actually, not TMI now.
Look at 1-4.
This is his fucking post-brain surgery brain.
My name's Joe Biden.
I'm Joe Biden's husband.
And I am Como's running mate.
You all think I'm kidding, don't you?
Whoa.
Folks.
So you know what that was?
My name's Joe Biden.
That was like Michael Richards with the N-word where he goes, nigger, nigger.
And then he realizes what the fuck he's just done.
And he goes, you see, language.
Words.
Some complaints will be false.
And I think what he did there was he went, I'm Kamala Harris's running mate.
No, she's my running mate.
Oh, fuck, I just said that.
I'm going to make it my thing.
You think I'm kidding?
She is my running mate, and I'm her running mate.
We're both running mates.
We're equal.
I mean, I'm the president, technically.
I didn't put this in the notes, but did you see her husband?
You might have to look this up.
There's another sign falling, by the way.
This has been happening to him.
This isn't even the one I was thinking about.
This kind of shit pisses me off.
He doesn't pay his fair share.
Don't worry about that.
He doesn't pay his fair share.
Like, hammer it on, fuckers.
That is my, I hate shit like that.
That's why I'm constantly mad at Ryan.
We'll have problems with Skype tonight.
It'll be echoing back.
I'm having a guy with a brain aneurysm come in here and fix it.
Are we looking under parlor?
No, Kamala Harris' husband came out and he said, I'm the President of the United States' husband.
Something like that.
I'm sure if you look up Kamala Harris' husband, it'll be the most popular one.
You're probably putting in the search bar, husband says bad thing.
No.
Now, now you hit news, Ryan.
You hit news.
Oh, the other problem, too, is...
They hide this stuff.
They hide this shit.
So it's hard to find.
Remember if you saw it on the Twitter account?
No, it'll be in a previous show's email.
G-O-M-L email.
So maybe if you look up Harris, it'll just come up.
But yeah.
And she's done this too.
Didn't she call it the Harris Biden campaign?
I think Joe's done that.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah!
Look at that turnout.
There's 50 people there.
One of the guys is three people.
Well, it's post-COVID.
Oh, no, it's not.
They're not wearing masks.
You wrecked it.
Go back.
Can you go back?
Are you married to Donald Trump?
Here's a weird one.
So Juliani was on Kennedy's show on Fox Business News, and she totally shed all over him.
And the Hunter Biden laptop.
Now, let me just say something here.
It's kind of complicated before we get into this.
This is what I hoid.
That Sky News in Europe is worth $30 billion.
And it's this.
Sky News owns Fox News.
Fox News is worth about $3 billion.
There's some sort of weird law in Europe with acquiring media properties and when selling and buying them.
They can't have any contentious properties.
So say you're buying censor.tv and we also owned Daily Stormer.
You wouldn't be able to do the deal because somehow someone is buying and selling a Nazi site, right?
And then you've helped legitimize the Nazi site, I guess.
I don't really know the origin of this law or why it exists.
So Sky desperately wants to detoxify Fox News and make it more milquetoast so they can sell the whole thing for whatever it is, $35 billion.
So I believe the powers, and I've got a lot of crazy beliefs this week.
God spoke to me with the Jews in Philadelphia.
I believe Joe Biden fucked his kids or at least molested Ashley and Hunter.
That's why Ashley is allegedly constantly going to rehab and says she had inappropriate showers with her father.
And that's why Hunter is continuing the, whatever you call it, behavior, because that's what happens to the victims of pedophilia.
They tend to perpetuate it.
My third crazy belief is that Fox News has been instructed to water it down.
The Murdoch have said, be open borders, be anti-Trump.
You have this reputation as being right-wing.
I need you to be left of center.
But the part I don't get is I know Kennedy well.
I've been to her house many times.
I know her kids, her husband.
We've hung out, gotten wasted.
I talked about her fucking parents' funeral, all kinds of shit.
And she's a stand-up person.
I almost called her a stand-up guy.
That's how cool she is.
So she would never capitulate to some bullshit dictum from upstairs.
So that is a hole in my theory, I'll concede.
But check out Kennedy here, crapping on Giuliani and comparing him to Christopher Steele, who fabricated a fake dossier, gave it to fucking BuzzFeed, wherein Trump was having prostitutes piss on some hotel bed because Obama had been there.
And that started the whole RussiGate bullshit.
So she's comparing Giuliani to him and comparing the laptop to RussiaGate and the Steele dossier, which is fucking insane because I showed my wife what I'm about to show you, which is Hunter with a kid.
And she goes, oh, come on, that's bullshit.
You're getting crazy now.
Now you're turning into fucking Alex Jones.
And I go, okay, so this picture's fake.
What about the meth pipe?
Is that photoshopped?
Because she saw the Malia Obama Coke thing and she goes, that's photoshopped.
And I go, okay, so is the meth pipe photoshopped?
Like, which we're darn close to the truth.
It's a little game I like to play with Muslims where I go, but didn't your prophet fuck a nine-year-old?
And they go, no, it was a 12-year-old.
So I bait them into saying that.
So with the Hunter thing, I'm like, okay, so Malia's Obama's fake, but the meth pipe is real?
Like, the Russians are just really good at Photoshop?
Is that what you're saying?
Anyway, check this out.
Sounds like there may be something here that is fishy that is causing Americans, giving the paws and other stuff that might have been completely adulterated over the 18 months.
And some could say that you were acting like Christopher Steele, that you were abstracting information.
And because...
You gotta be kidding me.
I was acting like Christopher Steele.
That's what it sounds like when you look at the picture.
You better apologize for that.
I mean, I've been a United States Attorney, Associate Attorney General, mayor of New York City, and a member of the bar for 50 years.
I've never been accused of anything, and you're accusing me of being Christopher Steele?
I'm accusing you of the peace.
What do you want to do to Christopher Steele?
And then you are going back and forth between what you are saying is an outrageous defamation of me.
Every single thing is here.
And I want you to look at it and then you apologize to me.
Well, you can come to my office and you can look at it.
And tomorrow night, you can apologize to me for saying I'm like Christopher Steele.
I told you there are underage girls there.
There are.
I told you there are documents that show that he's getting 10%.
There are.
There are documents that show that he's getting half of what Hunter gets.
There are.
And when they're there, I want you to apologize to me because you just defamed me.
Absolutely.
And that's outrageous because you have no basis for that.
I came on your show in good faith to give you evidence that is being withheld from the American people and I get defamed.
That's outrageous.
All right.
Are you still working on behalf of the people?
I think our interview is now over.
I haven't even gotten to the point.
I don't talk to people who accuse me.
That was the last time you and I were on camera.
And it's taken this long.
And these are the things that I'm talking about.
I thought she was so hideous back then on camera.
Because I don't let people call me Christopher Steele.
I'm sorry.
Christopher Steele is a criminal.
You're asserting that I'm a criminal.
Pretty juicy, huh?
What?
No, it's not juicy.
The Borat thing that she was going to get to.
It was a nothing.
I never thought it was.
I watched it, and there's no stories about it, no updates.
They don't say, hey, remember that thing?
We were wrong.
No, but even in their version of events, he was hitting on a woman who was of age and he wanted to fuck her.
And he was single.
It's like, with all this hunter stuff, I was like, yeah, he took some sex pics when he was high.
Who hasn't?
I want, and this is a terrible thing to say, but I was like, I've never caught myself wanting kitty porn before.
But remember yesterday, or maybe it was today, I was like, just, I don't, I need, I don't see his ass.
I don't need to see some blurred out chick getting fucked from behind.
All I care about is if there are minors there.
Without the minors, you're just showing revenge porn.
You're a simp.
And he's looking like a chad.
But then Gateway pundit Joe Hoft, Jim Hoft's brother, came out with this today.
And it looks really bad.
This is the next thing, chronologically, on the show.
Hunter Biden pictures of himself disrobed and exposed with a certain minor.
We don't know who the minor is.
It's looking like his niece.
But scroll down.
So they showed more pictures before, but they stopped showing them because it's a very contentious thing, right?
Like on the one hand, you want to say he fucked a kid, but on the other hand, if it's his niece, you don't want to ruin her life.
She was 14.
She hasn't done anything wrong.
But keep scrolling.
So you want to protect her.
You also don't want to show her new.
Like, this could be her whole life forever.
She commits suicide.
But here's the picture.
Now, it's hard to see here, but that blue blob in the background is a minor.
She kind of looks like a dismembered torso there.
You can check out the article yourself and see.
You can kind of make out, like, I think her leg is going off the other side of the bed.
She has a blue shirt on, and then her head is blurred.
But I've seen this original picture, and Hunter has his cock out.
Now, try to think, go back to the picture.
Try to think of a, no, go zoom out.
Try to think of a scenario where a 14-year-old, even your own kid, whatever, would be nude and you're standing there.
This doesn't look like a paparazzi thing.
So he looks like he's posing, right?
Or even if it was a paparazzi thing.
Why would you be in that state of dress, that state of undress, next to a child?
Like I walk around, like I sleep in the nude.
If I'm walking from the house to the shower, there's a kid walking by and the other, one of my kids going from like their room to the other room, there might be a nude me in the foreground and a kid walking by, but that's not this.
This is a man just standing there and a young girl.
And this, by the way, according to Gateway Pundit, is one of many images.
And it's not his kid.
So I shouldn't say it's not his kid.
I don't think it's his kid.
I think it's his niece, but I don't know.
But isn't that fucked up?
Help me out here, Ryan.
We're being very conspiratorial in tonight's show.
So let's pull back.
Let's de-Alex Jones ourselves.
Let's try to innocentify this photograph.
Like, to me, this is the errant thread that unravels the whole sweater.
There exists no photo in my life, in my hard drive, on my wife's hard drive, of me in this state with my child on my bed behind me.
And that's my child.
That's different from my niece.
And that would be the only plausible.
My fucking niece?
I don't think I would have my shirt off around my niece.
And that's the cousins.
I don't have a niece.
That's the good scenario where that's not a random kid.
That's like the best case for this picture.
And it's still horrible.
Right?
Yeah.
And if you check out this article, there's tons of talk of his wife, I think.
Either his wife or his brother's wife talking about how they don't want him around the kids and how it's all a lie.
And then they have Joe Biden's brother, I think his name's Jim Biden, saying, I believe you.
She told Pop that she would call the police if I tried to see you.
There's another one.
Pop is Joe Biden.
Won't let me see.
Can you, and Donald Trump Jr. keeps bringing this up, can you fucking imagine if this was Donald Trump or Eric Trump?
Donald Trump Jr. or Eric Trump?
Can you even imagine?
Don't imagine it.
The building you're in will explode if you imagine that.
It's the plutonium of imagines.
What's 1-7?
I forgot.
I just wrote in my notes, what's going on?
Oh, yeah.
So Hunter Biden, the son of former vice president, rapes not only his niece, but also the daughter of former president, and the media is silent.
Yeah, so the other rumor is that he fucked Mali Obama up the ass, because there's a picture of her credit card, which my wife says is photoshopped, and Coke lined up, and then a picture of him fucking a black girl from behind, and their hair looks very similar.
But you got to admit, like, this was given to the FBI.
The only reason we know any of this is because the laptop repair place fucking duplicated it.
He handed it over to the FBI.
If that was the only copy, none of this would exist.
It's funny having a liberal wife because I keep saying this and she's just like, ow, ow.
It's almost like I'm saying the name Chasin to her.
She just keeps going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the FBI hid it.
The FBI gave the Hunter Biden laptop to the USAO in Joe Biden's home state in order to bury it.
And that's exactly what happened.
You know, in a way, that's a whole other controversy.
That should be a whole other scandal.
Fuck Hunter Biden.
Let's make him John Wayne Gacy.
Let's make him a shoplifter.
Let's pretend Ashley Biden shoplifted and the FBI hid it.
That's fucked up.
The vice president's son can fuck chicks.
So, so far the only solid evidence I've seen, and it's solid, is that strange picture I just showed you with promises that there's more pictures.
These strange texts where he's being accused of being inappropriate.
A strange email where he's saying to, I think, his therapist that he regrets putting some relative that's underage in a sexually compromising situation because he was doing drugs and he was nude.
Why is he nude all the Time taking pictures of himself.
He does have a great schlong.
I will concede.
I wasn't impressed.
There's one with him with a ruler.
Remember?
It was like he's barely to seven?
And then it was like seven inches is a very good dick.
And then, what was the song that we to parody?
Rick.
Who's got the 10 and a half?
It's a live black flag album.
But like, this paper is 8.5 by 11, right?
So that's 8.5 inches.
So let's say 7 is here.
That's a very good dick.
Look at that.
That's a good dick.
That's a hell of a dick.
This?
How about this?
I mean...
You don't really, after a certain point, you don't need much more.
No, I mean, every guy wants this as a dick.
And you're just bottoming out.
That's a great cock.
But outside of, obviously, the raping the nieces, we have the business corruption that the media is totally ignoring.
And it's funny, too, because Howard Stern is doing Cocktober.
And they're a political show.
They're into social justice.
This month is dedicated to penis news.
I'm just calling it a newspaper.
They're totally ignoring it.
I would say this is penis news.
This is pretty penisy.
We don't say that.
I get calls from my father to tell me that the New York Times is calling, but my old partner Eric, who literally has done me harm for I don't know how long, is the one taking the calls because my father will not stop sending the calls to Eric.
I have another New York Times reported calling about my representation of the, literally, Dr. Patrick Go, the fucking spy chief of Texas, who started the company that my partner,
who was worth $323 billion, founded.
And is now missing.
The richest man in the world is missing.
It was my partner.
He was missing since I last saw him in his $58 million apartment and signed a $4 billion deal to build the fucking largest fucking LNG port in the world.
And I am receiving calls from the Southern District of New York, from the U.S. Attorney himself.
My best friend in business, Devin, has named me as a witness without telling me in a criminal case.
And my father without telling me.
And my father.
Sounds like Joe, too.
We're almost done with this.
Here's his finances, 2-0.
Here's proof of the 84,000.
Oh, we lied.
It's 83,000 that he's getting.
I don't think this holds a candle to the Chinese hedge fund he was getting.
It was like $3 billion, so I think he's getting $30 million a year.
$30 million a year is $2 million a month.
That's a lot better than $83,000 a month.
I mean, come on, guys.
Like, just that alone.
Any one of these one things on its face is shocking.
I'm going full conspiracy.
I'm going way beyond any of the little things, and I'm getting big.
I think Joe Biden molested his children.
I think they became molesters.
But here's right on the precipice of the conspiracy stuff.
So this isn't a great case if we were trying to convert a liberal because we're throwing in bona fide facts and hard evidence with conspiracy theories and theories in general.
But who cares?
There's no liberals watching this fucking show.
Here's a really weird one.
Hunter Biden's leaked photo sparks a conspiracy theory linking him to child trafficking ring.
I get kind of wary when we get to child trafficking.
It's hard for me to conceive of children like in a van being shipped to someone.
Like that whole Wayfair thing.
That's too nuts for me.
They're in a fucking cabinet.
And then those kids who were caught in that big...
We never fucking got the story on that.
Yeah, Roman touched on it a little bit.
Yeah, like one out of four is child trafficked, like a kidnapped and trafficked kid.
I do know that Mexicans, the Mexican cartels, will just give, if you're a couple, they'll give you a random kid to cross the border with for a fee.
So you look more like a family and they could say children in cages.
Those are not their children.
I believe that.
But the idea of like, hey, could I get two pizzas?
And by pizzas, I mean two eight-year-olds I can fuck for three days.
Yeah, no problem, sir.
It's on their way.
Sorry.
But anyway, let's just check this out for fun.
Leaked photo of Sparkson's Persian Theater.
So I got to this because I was looking at his tattoos.
I was beating off to Hunter Biden porn.
And I was like, what the fuck is on his back?
So you look up Hunter Biden tattoos, and it's the great, what is it, the Finger Lakes?
Finger Lakes, yeah.
The image in question, replica of the Finger Lakes in upstate New York.
Okay.
Is that where you are?
No.
That's way up.
No, that's way up, yeah.
Yeah, that's close to Canada.
Upon further investigation, users found that the area is famous for its underground railroad tunnels and underwater passageways to Canada through Lake Ontario, which were used to transport slaves, blah, blah, blah.
Great.
Okay, bootleggers.
Sure.
One of the local users noted that the abandoned tunnels were occupied by people who always keep an eye on your movements like they are guarding something.
That's getting weird.
This, along with reports of suspicious boutique consulting firm in the Finger Lakes area in September.
Okay, this, along with news reports of Biden opening a suspicious boutique consulting firm in the Finger Lakes area In September 2008, instances of human trafficking in the region and reports of dozens of missing children in upstate New York has led conspiracy theorists to believe Biden is involved in a child trafficking ring and he's using the tunnels to smuggle children between Canada and the U.S. Jesus H Christ on a crutch.
Maybe he's another theory.
He's tired of measuring his penis all the time.
And so those are the various stages, like far right, like a really chilly day.
Maybe all the way to the left.
Oh, I see.
Those are the different penis lengths.
Yeah, if it's warm out.
Why so wiggly?
That's a good point.
Like what a weird fuck.
Not that I don't have the stupidest tattoos in the world, but it looks like a retarded tiger scratched your back.
A retarded tiger, yeah.
Now I got these retarded tigers.
And they went over here, they scratched up Hunter Budden pretty bad.
I saw a picture of retarded tiger once.
Really?
Yeah.
Retard he's a tiger?
Just look up retarded tiger images.
I can't wait.
It's the weirdest thing.
I think it's real.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, remember that?
You've seen that before?
Yeah.
What is that?
He's an inbred white tiger.
He's literally has down syndrome.
Yeah, he's got the features of it, too.
He'd be a cool pet.
Yeah, why do you think that?
Don't, look, guys, if you're dropping off the package, I have a retarded tiger in the backyard.
He'll fucking kill you.
So just leave the package on my front lawn.
I'm not scared about it getting stolen.
It was a Budweiser golf bag, but it has a wheelbarrow wheel and the lid of some bleach wipes in it.
I can't believe that guy's getting me that Budweiser bag.
Yeah, that's cool.
I'm back, boys.
I'm back.
The dream is...
Well, again, let's not counter chicken before they hatch.
That didn't look like...
I mean, he could have been lying, but that would just be such a stupid lie.
No, thank you.
It doesn't seem like a lie, no.
So I'm going to get that.
The bud shirt.
You know, there's a game at Turtle Cove in the Bronx?
You go to the driving range, it's called Tracker or something, and you play a golf game as a video game at the driving range.
No, no.
So you take the driver, you whack your ball.
Oh, you actually have a golf club.
It's not.
Yeah, no, you're at the driving range.
So it's half video game, half you hit the range.
Right, so you hit the ball like 200 yards, and then it says, all right, you're this, you got a sand trap here.
And so then you go back to where you were, same thing.
You switch to like an iron.
Top tracer, it's called.
Then you, with the iron, you hit it again.
And then, I don't think they do putting.
That's kind of weird, right?
You're not going to putt into a hole when you're just like hitting into the grass.
But I guess your goal is to get on the green.
Yeah, that's it in the bottom left there.
So you play on an imaginary golf course.
Oh, that's kind of cool.
We should do that to starving children in Africa.
Look, I know you don't have a golf range, but we can give you this.
And with their little distended bellies, they can get there with their little golf clubs and they can pretend that they're Japanese millionaires.
I don't know if that's what they need.
They need that.
I would think.
Maybe food, water.
All right, we're 15 minutes into the show.
We should probably start taking some calls.
I'll get some papier.
There's one thing I could fill up.
A second here.
So in the Borat movie, he was at CPAC with us.
CPAC 2020.
He dresses up like Donald Trump and he interrupts Pence's speech.
Do you remember hearing anything about that?
Nope.
We were in town.
I know, but we avoided...
Oh, yeah, I remember Pence's speech.
I remember avoiding it.
Yeah.
You know what's weird?
Pence seems like such a dull paper plate to me with nothing to offer.
But he used to be a radio host, and I saw some of his old clips, and he was really good.
Get out of here.
Yeah.
That was impressive-sounding typing.
But Mike Pence radio show.
It is, in fact, Memorial Day weekend this weekend.
Got a very baseball vibe, doesn't he?
Yeah.
The Mets suck.
Let's not lie to ourselves.
But we have new owners, and next year, the season looks bright.
We say that every year.
Close the balance of this show.
All the frivolity and all the talk we've had of the military justice and the American military.
Let me see if I can't shuffle a little bit of that off and just take a moment to say thanks to all of you listening, men and women, both.
Whoever served this country in any way, shape, manner, or form.
Include us.
It might be some of you out there that served in.
You only, I suppose.
WW Wars.
These were the war movies I've seen.
Yeah, I didn't see Saving Preferron High.
I just saw it.
It might have been those of you who served in the big one, World War II.
I have not done that.
You've watched many movies of World War II.
Basically.
Generation of Americans have been there.
I thank you.
You're welcome.
You might have been warriors on the battlefields of the Cold War.
Places like Korea, Vietnam, in Korea on Hamburger Hill, where my father earned a bronze star.
You might have been alongside him.
Isn't that when someone puts their asshole in your face?
I don't mean any disrespect to the vets.
I could not resist that joke.
I apologize.
I could not help make that joke.
I'm sorry.
That would a grotesque name for a thing.
A brown star as an award?
As a medal.
Did you know my mom?
She said to my brother, he had a party at the house like 15 years ago.
And she goes, I've just come back.
You had a party here.
And he goes, yeah, I'm sorry, mom.
I thought I cleaned up everything.
Your grandfather's medals are gone.
Whoa.
Great-grandfather.
Sorry.
So this is my grandfather's father.
The medals are gone, stolen.
With all due respect to my great-grandfather, they were not purple hearts.
They were just like medals.
They didn't seem that fancy.
I don't think he fucking blew any Nazis' head off.
I think he just like survived some trench foot or something.
Anyway, so obviously my brother's mortified.
And then her noggin is not great.
She's had a few ales and she takes him downstairs and she goes, I have to show you something.
And she opens up this oak box and shows him two medals.
And she goes, these were your great grandfathers.
I'll be gone soon.
And I'll need you to hold on to them for us and to make sure they're passed down.
By the way, he doesn't have kids.
Why aren't I seeing these fucking medals?
And my brother goes, Mom, you told me that I got those stolen.
Oh, she goes, they were not stolen.
I had misplaced them.
And he goes, I've had nightmares about this for years.
I've been traumatized by the fact that my bullshit got medals stolen.
And it's not true?
And she's like, technically, no.
And then she goes, but our gold man was your fault.
That was stolen.
Now, let me tell you what this fucking stupid gold man is.
In Lead Hills, Scotland, there's a lot of mines and they have gift shops.
And one of the gift shops is Fool's Gold.
So it's just a bunch of fake gold.
But then there's a real gold little man on the top that said like half an inch.
He's just that.
That's on the piece of fool's gold.
It's garbage.
Throw it away.
I don't want it.
All right, right.
But I guess my mom broke it off and gave it to my wife.
And he's like, the only thing I've ever had stolen is that little man from the fool's gold thing.
I go, dude, I have that.
Oh, no.
It's in my wife's stupid office and she doesn't want it.
So she just like, it's not a thing, like in a pile of crap.
Wow.
So he's been false.
One time my mom gave one of my brother's girlfriends some garbage piece of costume jewelry that's like a big brooch, like hideous crap.
My mom shops at the dollar store at the Salvation Army and shit.
Like just shit.
So she gives it to my brother's girlfriend.
And then my brother's girlfriend's like, oh, thanks.
A giant like gold brooch this big with like a picture of fucking, I don't know, Braveheart on it.
And so my brother goes, we're going to go visit my mom.
Can you put on that thing she got you?
And she's like, oh, fuck.
I don't even know where that is.
Oh, I think it's in my shit I hate drawer.
And so she pulls it out, puts it on.
I guess I'll just take it off if we go out.
And she wears it.
My mother sees it.
She's like, oh, my fucking God.
And my brother's girlfriend's like, hello, anyway.
And my mother goes, do you think she stole it?
She says, she grabs my brother and goes, come in here.
And my brother's like, what's the issue now?
And she goes, she's stolen that.
That's mine.
I recognize it.
And it's been gone since she was last year.
Since she was last year.
Oh, my.
My brother's like, yeah, because you gave it to her.
Do you want it back?
No.
Absolutely not.
I don't want stolen goods.
I don't take it.
Tarnished, no.
I'm not an Indian robbery thorough.
I'm not an Indian robbery.
Over owner?
We got the calls.
I'll put the number.
So this is going to be rife with issues.
Why?
Well.
Because everything you do is.
Because everything's going.
Because the studio does not work.
We got the call-up number.
Call in.
And we're going to...
I guess I'll draw my parents, right?
That's probably the best idea.
All right.
Stepbrothers and stepsisters.
Hello?
Hello.
G-Dog and Samurai of the Fag Zone.
Is this echoing?
Yep.
Yeah, big time.
Okay, we'll fix it, Ryan.
All right.
I'm going to close everything.
That does not work, but okay.
Ryan thinks things echo when he has other applications open.
Just internet using ones mostly.
How is it now?
Tough, tough job.
Oh, it sounds good.
Really?
There it goes.
That doesn't mean you're right, shitlips.
But it's been consistent enough for me to not ignore that pattern.
I'm acknowledging patterns.
Okay, go ahead, sir.
Okay, so I stumbled upon this article earlier today, and I sent it to you guys.
It's under the subject brother, sister.
And it's a stepbrother and a stepsister who I don't think they're married, but they're really proud that they're dating.
And it kind of like created this question in my head.
I was like, I don't really agree with it.
I kind of see it as being a slippery slope with incest.
How do you guys do that scenario?
Yeah, you know, I don't watch porn.
I don't beat off.
But occasionally I'll check in on Red Tube just to see what's hot.
If I'm on a long, boring conference call, I'll put on Red Tube just to look at an interesting image.
And I can prove I'm not beating off because Ryan's usually next to me.
And it's always like stepmom bursts in on stepson and naughty stepdaughter.
And I'm like, I'm talking like, I don't know.
Maybe I've fucked up the algorithms by clicking on a pretty girl who was a stepsister.
But it's like 90% stepdaughter, stepson.
Like, that's fucked up.
Yeah.
That is a large theme on those sites.
And that's kind of what I see it as being is just a normalization of a bad situation.
Yeah, it shows you how fucked up divorce is, too.
Stepsis, step-sibs, and couple.
I don't necessarily disagree with like if they grew up together, it seems messed up.
But like if they're stepbrother and stepsister and they were already like 18, then whatever, but it just seems weird.
And like the push to normalize these weird things.
Yeah, that's the other angle.
Like, as I was saying yesterday, I think cuties was chosen not because the lesbians want to fuck little girls, but because it was sexually deviant, and gays like sexual deviance because it makes them seem normal.
Yep.
But yeah, it's gross is the answer to your question.
Thanks for calling.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The other thing I don't get to about shitty relationships is there's a lot of fish in the sea.
Like when my friends would try to fuck my ex-girlfriends, I'd like, I'd go, I understand she's not my property, but out of all the women in the world, why did you choose that one?
That's going to make me uncomfortable.
We can't go out now.
Like, why did you do that?
I added a bunch of lines, so people shouldn't have a hard time calling in.
We got Omar.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, man.
Gavin, you interviewed Michael Malis a while ago, and you mentioned you were worried that his book would pin you in a bad light.
I was just wondering if you read the book and what you thought of how he portrayed you.
I read the book.
I don't think he portrayed me badly, but it was, it was, I don't like Michael Malis anymore.
I feel like he's a backstabber.
He talks shit about me.
I basically made his career.
And I find his writing to be very feminine, which is why I keep thinking he's probably gay.
It's like just a pile of words.
So while I was reading that book, I obviously jumped to my chapter, but I didn't find it was like a very beginning, middle, and an end argument.
It seems more like a transcript of someone on a rant.
Like if you were to transcribe this show and print it as a book, you'd go, well, this guy's got some sort of cohesion, but he's really just all over the place.
It was an all-over-the-place mess.
How do you think I came out?
Cool.
I thought you came out funny, actually.
I didn't really see any problem with it, which is why I was confused you were even worried in the first place.
Yeah, I don't know why.
I've defended that guy to the death.
I've been so cool to him over the years, and he just talks shit about me everywhere he goes, so he can go fuck himself, pussy.
True, true.
All right, one more thing.
Did you get the video I sent you called George Brett Water?
I don't.
Maybe.
Tell Ryan, search that.
Sure.
What is it?
Tell Ryan to search it.
I made it for you guys.
I would love it if you would take a watch.
But yeah, that's it for me.
Thank you.
Okay, bye.
All right, got it.
See here.
Oh, he's also got a band that he linked.
That's my mind.
I shit my pants last night.
I did.
Felt alright.
I went just like this.
Water.
Can you send that to me?
Wait, let's swatch that again.
That ruled.
I saw it coming too, but what is it?
Yeah, you know it's coming.
I just hope they do a good job.
Delta right, I won just like this.
Water.
Amazing.
That is so cool.
I love that it cut to black, too.
Okay, one more time.
All right.
I'm trying not to laugh this time.
I shoot my pants last night.
I did.
Delta right, I went just like this.
Water.
That's gold.
Quality that.
All right, we got another.
Did you see in the lobby of this building, there's a notice about noise?
Oh, yeah?
I don't read any sort of notices or papers.
Yeah, I think this.
This has to do with us.
We're moving, by the way.
Talked to an architect.
Got a new spot.
May or may not be in the Bronx.
It's going to be fucking awesome.
Because I'm a cheap ass.
So if I want to open a chain of muffin stores, I sell them from a shitty little fucking closet in Midtown until I notice they're taking off.
And then I set up the stores.
So we have enough money.
We got 20,000 subscribers now.
We have enough money to make a kick-ass studio.
And this is going to have a little like Dave Rubin Ben Shapiro type sit-down chat room.
It's going to have a bar that works.
I think for the bar, I'm going to have regular Joe's.
So it'll be like interview with the janitor, interview with the boxer, interview with the guy who makes fucking bells.
And then the fancy sit-down room will be only for celebs.
Not because one is more valuable than the other, just so you can differentiate in your mind.
Then that will be for like Ann Colter, James O'Keefe kind of sit-downs.
And then the studio itself will be very Alex Jones.
We'll have a green screen room that'll be my full body with the video.
So you get to see my gorgeous legs.
And that's about it.
That's pretty funny.
It's going to be hot.
It's going to be hot and sexy.
Throw some parties there.
Parties, yeah, we can have parties because we basically have that whole floor.
Oh, you want to see this guy's band then?
What band?
The guy who spent that.
I don't care about his band.
Can we direct the funny thing?
James.
Hey, Gavin and Mayor of the Red Zone.
Thank you.
Today I was looking around on the internet.
Just a really odd question I pondered is why your book title, you had changed from How to Piss in Public to The Death of Cool.
In my quick look there, I came across an article from, oddly enough, Huffington Post called Gavin McGinnis's How to Piss in Public.
And it could not be a more flattering review of not only your book, but you yourself.
It just goes on and on about how somewhere in there it said, if you're looking for a man oozing with cool, look no further than Gavin McInnis.
Something to that effect, anyway.
I thought that was totally insane.
I believe it was from six or seven years ago.
Yeah, doesn't that tell you everything right there?
Relatively, I mean, that's such a short amount of time for people just to totally do a 180 on you.
Huffington Post, if they were to speak about you nowadays, I mean, it'd be nothing but total negativity.
Anyway, my question, what I was calling in about, was I love your book, and lately you've been featuring on your shelf back there a lot of different books.
I was wondering a lot has happened in the time since you published Death of Cool slash How to Piss in Public.
Are you writing a follow-up?
And if so, when will it be released?
Yeah, I might write a follow-up.
I was talking to Sherad about this on his Racewars podcast, and I don't know, like that book, Death of Cool, I got $80,000 for, but it took two years from like first letter to on shelves.
So that's $40,000 a year.
It takes up a lot of your fucking year.
And how many people saw it?
Whereas like tonight, 20,000 people watched this episode.
We made probably $3,000 just doing this episode.
I don't know.
It seems like writing books as a medium might be dead.
And I definitely would not get 80 grand now.
I'd be very lucky to get a publisher now.
So I might get, I might, I'd have to self-publish.
But I might make, like, it would probably take six months of very intense hard work.
Like, I couldn't do this show.
And I might make, like, 30 grand.
I don't know.
It just doesn't seem like it's worth the effort.
Now, it's great for your kids when they go, like, who was that dead guy, Gavin McInnes?
And you can go, well, here's a book that explains it.
And here's a book that says the Prowboys weren't racist.
And you can read that.
But like, I'm not that concerned with the world when I'm fucking six feet under.
So I know Southerners, they can't go outside from May to September.
So I understand you guys are hungry for books, but I don't know.
I don't know if I have it in me anymore.
It'd be awesome if you did.
You know, I think this last book, obviously, it's a lot of comedy, a lot of stories, debauchery.
But what I'd like to read a bit about is a lot of your hardships that you've gone through since everyone turned on you, but also a lot of positivity with family life,
fatherhood, et cetera.
I've received like 100 letters of guys saying, hey, I finally put a ring on it thanks to you.
I was too scared.
And you pushed me, and now we have three kids and we're happily married.
Like, that doesn't make the news.
That's never a public thing.
It's always like, he said that he didn't go to Charlottesville, but there was so many nose that was at Charlottesville.
And you're like, Jesus fucking age Christ.
So I want to do that.
And I also want to set the record straight on the Proud Boys, but I think a better way to do that would be a documentary.
I think they need a long-form documentary that explains their side of things.
And I am talking to some people about that, but we'll see where that goes.
Anyway, thanks for calling.
See, that article's still up.
I'm surprised.
The HuffPost one.
That's because no one probably gets one hit every three years.
We just did the annual hit.
Yeah, this is the person that wrote it.
Tony Naggy.
Yeah, I know her.
Yeah.
She's just a, like, she's not a righty, but she's not a die-hard liberal.
Right.
And she was welcome back then.
Huffington Post wasn't as mental back then.
She has a bit on Trump.
What did she say?
I'm looking for it right now.
Just passed it.
Here we go.
That's actually the bobblehead that we have.
Funny stories.
I remember the days when celebrity gossip was what was used to distract us from the news.
You remember those times, those like innocent times when you'd be on Facebook and you'd see this like snarky post that was like, well, you were busy paying attention to Kim Kardashian's queen, Obama sent drones of the Middle East.
And then you were like kind of embarrassed because you did care more about that queen?
And you could have like sworn you heard it from a distance.
But now because Trump is so fucking insane, the news about Trump is used to distract us about the fucked up news about Trump, right?
Like his fucked up news distracts us from his fucked up news.
It's fucked up.
I miss the days when...
They didn't get a laugh on that Obama thing, and they started screaming.
No.
Here's what happened.
You know, I was listening to Louis C.K. the other day.
And I know I kiss his ass a lot on this show, but shit.
He was like, if you're a comedian, you're a philosopher, right?
So you have to have thought out your thing.
It has to be true.
Like when David Cross says, can you believe that luggage is for sale at the airport?
It's the last place on earth you'd need luggage.
You're at the airport.
You're listening to it going, no, dude, your luggage breaks.
And at the airport, that's where it breaks.
It doesn't break in a closet.
Yeah.
So yes, it's a perfect place.
Sometimes you come home with more stuff than you left with.
Yeah.
Oh, there's that too.
Yeah.
So that's a bad.
So it's not funny.
But Louis C.K. goes, he had this bit where he goes, I was eating candy and I was so excited that I was shaking.
And I just stuffed it in my mouth and the wrapper fell on the ground.
And I was with the girl.
And she goes, what are you doing?
And he goes, what?
You're littering.
You just left that there.
And he goes, so?
And she goes, it's bad for the environment.
And he goes, what?
This is New York.
It's a giant piece of litter.
This is bad for the environment.
This isn't the environment.
This is garbage.
I just put garbage on garbage.
And what if I do if I throw it away?
It goes into the garbage and then it's taken away and it ends up being on some barge and then it goes to China and it's then washing in the river in the ocean.
Then some dolphin has to wear it like a hat on his face for 10 years with this fucking garbage on his head.
And that's all true.
We do take our recycling.
We don't recycle it.
It goes on barges and we ship it to China.
They used to just sort of throw it in their rivers, but now they go, we don't want to do that anymore.
So they give it to Southeast Asia and then it ends up all over that part of the world on dolphins' faces.
So it's a funny bit because it's all true and well thought out.
He's a good philosopher.
He has a high IQ.
Maybe because he's a fucking Jew.
Is he?
Oh, yeah.
I actually really didn't think Trump was going to win.
Alright, we got Jackson with a hot or not.
Jackson, lay it on us.
Where is it?
Action.
Jackson or action?
Or action, Jackson?
Sir or ma'am?
Yes, sir?
Got three seconds.
I don't hear anything.
Usually you hear, like, noise, meaning.
We got somebody else.
Oh, we can hear you now.
Wait, this is someone else?
Hello?
Hey, yeah.
Alright, am I on?
Yes, you're on, dude.
Hello?
Alright, so I've got a hotter knot that I just sent to the mailbag, and I've got a would you rather?
Okay, why does everyone get two things?
You should only get one thing.
I get two because I'm special.
Oh.
You have Down syndrome?
Yes.
What is the title of these?
What is the title there?
Alright, it's hold up.
Okay, I got it.
Jackson Caller.
The title is Jackson Caller.
Gotcha.
Pulling it up.
Please hold.
Okay, go ahead.
Hot or no?
Oh, I don't know.
That's a rough one.
Weird.
It changes.
It's like a hologram.
Are you Canadian?
No, but I'm of French descent.
So she's French, France, French.
Yeah, she's from Leon.
Lyon!
El Vien de Lyon croix!
Esque vous par les français!
What you're seeing is ugly hair.
Not even ugly.
You're seeing a handsome young man.
Yeah, there's kind of some Israeli-looking features there.
Like the dark eyes.
Yeah, like Armenian.
Fucking Arabs.
Once Napoleon's nephew declared war on all of Islam, they ended up opening the borders.
And now Paris, France is basically Muslim.
It's Arab.
That's why their fucking noses are so comically large.
Everyone in Paris looks like a racist caricature of a Jew.
Like they're offensive.
But let's see a different picture of her.
I'm hoping that's not representative because you just showed me a very cute, cherubic, handsome 13-year-old boy.
Oh, man.
I'm afraid that's like the best video.
Everything else, she looks real homely.
Yeah, I mean, I'm having trouble going above five, dude.
Oh, there's...
Wait, that's hot.
That's like a 7.9.
Let's see some more.
I don't know.
She's tough.
It's like Billie Eilish.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
This is the most sexy 6.5 I've ever seen.
She should be on the cover of 6.5 magazine.
Let's do the would you rather.
All right, so my buddy told me to ask you this.
Would you rather, and this is highly contentious, would you rather be or give the first 99% of a BJ or the last 1%?
Oh, I know this one is.
Oh, this old trope.
So the finishing off or the give, right?
So the jiz.
I have to face the jizz.
But that's the small, that's the shorter part.
I think I'm kind of a guy, I'm kind of a gross guy.
Like in school, I'd be the guy that would like eat a sandwich off the ground for a dare.
So I don't think the jizz would ruin my life.
And I want to take this blowjob down to as little time as possible.
So I think I'm going to go with the last 1%.
Because, yeah, it's gross, but I'll eat a spider.
So I'll get some jizz in my face, jizz on my mouth.
At least this whole experience is down to a few seconds.
Thank you so much.
My buddy made a whole presentation on why me and my other roommate are wrong, and it was just enraging at how stupid he was.
So he wants to do the 99%.
Oh, yeah.
We were in the minority of the people we asked.
They were all on the 99% side.
You're sitting there sucking a dick for like five minutes.
Five minutes, if you're not gay, is 100 years.
Five minutes.
Okay, just let's just, let me just show you five seconds.
Ready?
Here's five seconds.
That was five seconds of second.
That was three.
That was three?
And that was still 10 seconds.
That was an eternity.
I'm traumatized.
I don't think I can use this pen anymore.
Yeah, your friends are fucking.
And I wasn't even blowing a dude for that three seconds.
All right, thanks for calling.
The last.
Ooh, then you got to get it up to the point.
Like, this is what I always say, too, about things that suck.
There's guys that work in the New York City sewers.
They get rat kings, they're called, where the tails get tangled up and they become a ball of dead rats.
They have to go in there, pull out the dead rats from the sewer system.
God knows what feces and tampons explode onto your face.
You can have something gross on you for a few seconds.
My grandfather said...
I'm just sitting there working a knob?
He told me he used to work, you know, like for, you know, fixing the wires and stuff like that for communications.
So open the manhole, go in there.
And there's just the slime.
You don't even know what it is.
Just slime everywhere.
And I don't even know if the, yeah, that's really gross.
Cum.
That's sterile.
Now we're defending cum.
In the defense of cum.
Don't knock cum.
Don't knock it.
I like when we convince, when magazines are like, semen is actually great for women's skin.
You're like, I wonder who wrote that article.
A guy named Brad.
Hey, my name's Brian.
I ain't done a lot of research on this, but basically it's true.
Anyway, I got to go.
Bye.
Hope you enjoy my article.
We got Wyatt.
No?
What's up, guys?
What's up, Brian?
Hey, dude.
What's up, man?
How's it going, man?
What's up, man?
What's up?
Not much.
Yeah.
You know, I've noticed that probably over the last four years, I don't think any person in the government has talked about white people in a good way.
No.
Not once.
Without saying white supremacists, without saying something negative or something like that.
I think Trump said, what about white people, I think, one time.
Yeah.
Well, remember he went to Poland.
He went to Poland and he talked about Western civilization and they played classical music and the press ate him alive.
Like, what's he supposed to do?
Go to Poland and talk about their incredible rap history?
He's in fucking Poland, but he got in shit for that.
Yeah, I mean, I don't really understand it.
What are we going to go to?
What kind of culture are we headed towards?
And also, I never gave a shit about being white until everyone told me I sucked.
And I was like, okay, I'm open to that.
And then I started looking it up and I'm like, no, actually, we've made a lot of cool shit.
Well, I mean, okay, so if you look at Google, look at white inventors, and then look at white inventions, and look at, and you'll see all these black people that invented like a bed frame or something like that.
And then somebody invented like a spatula with like holes in it or something like that.
That's cool.
You know?
The fuck.
I mean, seriously, it's ridiculous.
Or the peanut guy, the legume guy, you know?
Yeah, and that's...
The peanut guy's bullshit.
The peanut butter mashing up peanuts in the sauce goes back basically way before America.
And then there's the light bulb thing where he had a patent on a filament for a light bulb, which many people did.
And Thomas Edison, for example, had, I think, like 700 filament patents.
It's what you did.
Because obviously, if you have the filament that takes off, you're going to become a billionaire because every light bulb uses that.
So people were fanatically patenting filaments.
And he was just one of the many.
In fact, Thomas Edison later hired him as a patent expert because he was so good at getting these bullshit filament patterns.
Patents.
Anyway, thanks for calling, dude.
You're exactly right.
Yep, all right.
Yep, right, right, Mike.
This is kind of interesting.
I'd never done this before, the side-by-side.
So this is white inventors on Google.
And this is black inventors on Google.
It looks the same.
Same guys.
Same guys.
And I think there's that, yeah, there's that filament guy there.
The guy with the glasses.
You've zoomed him in too much.
I can't see him on mine.
But like, wait, could we move over to the left screen here?
I hate to do it, but.
Yeah, that guy.
The guy in the very, very top left.
That's the filament dude.
Yeah, him.
Right there.
Go to the page here.
Philammat guy.
I don't know.
I just would be more...
If I moved to Japan or even if my no, that's actually a bad analogy because blacks have been here for longer than most.
See, now you got me fucking trivializing people's accomplishments.
Anyway, I just, when someone, like That black art thing, when someone has a talent or when some group has contributed a lot, I don't know.
I would just be like, Good work, dudes.
Thanks.
Thanks for the light bulbs.
I wouldn't be constantly talking about how you suck and I actually invented the light bulb.
Yeah, the thing is, you're trying to look for a specific thing, and they're like, No, no, no, how about the opposite of that?
Yeah, like I'm not constantly talking about Scottish people's contribution to basketball.
Here's the quote.
Let's talk about George Floyd.
You said George Floyd's death was a terrible thing.
Terrible.
Why are African Americans still dying at the hands of law enforcement in this country?
And so are white people.
So are white people.
What a terrible question to ask.
So are white people.
More white people, by the way.
More white people.
He really just stands for stuff.
He doesn't care.
He's a New Yorker.
That's what no one gets.
You know, I was at my local the other day, and these women were bitching about this construction worker, PJ.
He's actually not a construction worker.
He owns a construction company.
And he said, he's Irish.
And he was like, I think these fuckers are going to steal the election with their fucking fake ballots.
And then I see her, she's next to me, right?
And I see her look at her other geriatric friend and go, oh, they're talking so much bullshit.
They're so fucking stupid.
And I go, I don't think he's stupid.
He runs a pretty big construction company.
He could build a building right now with his bare hands.
And she's like, well, he's talking shit.
And I pull up on my phone.
Philadelphia Supreme Court rules that your signature on your ballot doesn't have to match the signature on your ID.
And I just show her on my phone.
I go, he seems to be right about the fake ballot.
And she goes, oh, where's that from?
From your phone, from the internet?
I go, the internet is just like a library.
It's just a place with information.
You can't criticize the internet.
You criticize my exact source.
She goes, what's your source?
I go, well, this is Politico.
But here, here we go, the Philadelphia Inquirer.
And she goes, oh, yeah, let's listen to the National Enquirer where aliens are going to come down.
Oh, my God.
I feel like saying, why are you allowed in bars?
And you being a woman?
Like, women are not allowed on pirate ships for a reason.
Pirates would rather drink their own piss and fuck each other up the ass than have to deal with women on their boat.
I didn't say that, but I should have.
Whatever source you would like.
I mean, there's Newsweek.
It's just a fact.
Where would you like your fact from?
CBR.
Or get the New York Times to talk about the Philadelphia Supreme Court.
Why, which is with NPR and PBS.
Yeah, I'm sure NPR has said it.
Do you like that?
KYW.
Fucking stupid.
National Review.
Get out of this bar.
MSN.
She was yelling at some retired cop about racism.
Oh, and you know what she said?
She said, the real problem with this country is these stupid, racist rednecks in the Midwest.
And she goes, they should all just fuck off.
I've heard that before.
It's not uncommon for New York liberals, and not like the elites.
I'm talking about like middle class and even below, like lower middle class New York elites to talk about the flyover states and how they're fucking garbage humans and how they all need to die.
So 200 million people need to die.
And they hate Nazis.
I don't know why, but that really, that's a deal breaker for me.
I picked up my drink and I moved after she said that.
Speaking of deal breakers, we got Evan talking about the New York Mets.
Ugh.
Did you hear about Bill de Blasio DiCami trying to stop the sellout for Steve Cohen?
I think it is.
He's trying to stop it.
And my conspiracy is that Alex Rodriguez wanted to buy the Mets before Steve Cohen did, but Bill de Blasio DiCami said, no, I want my best friend Alex Rodriguez to get the team instead of you.
You're a conservative.
You look like so.
Fuck off.
Love you more than a friend.
See ya.
Thanks for punching me in the stomach as hard as you can.
I did not hear about this.
What a motherfucker.
Oh, geez.
I don't understand how the mayor of New York has anything to do with the sports team in the MLP.
What?
Wait, Alex Rodriguez.
A-Rod.
A-Rod and J-Lo wanted to buy it, and he probably loves them because they're celebrities.
He's a Yankee.
He's a former Yankee.
You know, he's Jewish, right?
And he calls himself Bill de Blasio.
It's not even his fucking name.
Oh, de Blasio.
Like he's the Fons or something.
Oh, my God.
That's insane.
That was our only hope.
Damn it.
Let me see this article, and I'm sorry to bore you, non-sports fans.
Steve Cohen's spending purchase of the Mets likely won't be pending much longer.
Wait, when was this dated?
October 26th, two days ago?
Cohen is expected to blah, blah, blah.
Power officially would be transferred to Cohen.
Outgoing chief operator Jeff Wilpon, fuck you, Wilpons, meanwhile, reflected on his tenure and said his goodbye to the Mets, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Among the only issues to resolve between now and then seems to be a procedural one, an okay from New York City.
Mayor Bill de Blasio confirmed money that our law department is evaluating the ownership change.
What?
Expects that to be an issue, sources said.
Nobody involved, Cohen, the Wilpons, NLB, expect...
Oh, they don't expect that to be an issue.
Yeah, dude.
They said they don't expect it to be an issue.
We obviously want to get through a resolution quickly.
Yeah, this sounds like a nothing burger.
Let us hope.
Because otherwise, it would be spooky.
All right, we're almost at the end here.
We've got a few minutes.
Okay.
We have 17 calls online.
We got Lighthouse Tom.
Hey, Jay.
Hey, man.
Thanks for calling, dude.
Great to hear from you.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks a lot.
Sorry.
Jamaica, Jamaica.
Go ahead, Jamaica.
Wagwan, Jamaica.
Wagwan, guys, and Wagwan, Ryan.
Where are you saying, Tom?
I got Babylon closing in on me, you know.
You're trying not to vex me so disgusting.
I see you're drawing there.
Yo, so listen, I'm watching the show with my girlfriend right now.
I just wanted to know, how do you know when you found the one, I guess?
Love you more than a friend.
I want to fuck you with my heels off.
Classic.
You live with her for six months, and in those six months, you do not have a drop-down, drag-out fight.
Now, Charles Murray in the Commodence Guide to Getting Ahead says there's a bunch of other stuff.
Like if you're a neat freak and she's a slob, it's not going to work.
If you're very punctual and she's not, it's not going to work.
I don't agree with that.
If those things are deal breakers, they're going to happen in the six months.
So live with her for six months and see if you guys don't have like a plate-smashing super fight.
Now, I probably did have some...
I think my wife, when she was my girlfriend, did whip a plate of spaghetti at me.
And she did find a stack of pictures of girls I fucked.
And she whipped that at me and cut my eyeball.
I had to wear an eye patch for three days.
I couldn't look at the sun.
Damn.
So we did have some fucking huge fights.
But I chose her anyway.
Maybe that was a mistake.
But yeah, I think that's a good test.
Now, if you do have a drop-down drag out fight, I don't know.
Maybe go a little bit longer or maybe re-evaluate.
But I'll tell you one thing.
If you live together for six months and there's not a big fucking row, go to Zales and get a ring and spend, I'm going to say two months' salary.
Two months' salary.
With a minimum of five grand.
You can't have her go to repair the ring and it's $3,200 when she gets it evaluated.
So minimum $5,000 if you're a gazillionaire, let's cap it at like, I don't know.
Fucking, no one needs a $30,000 ring.
Between $5,000 and $30,000 and two months' salary.
And if you're broke, that's part of it.
If you're broke, that'll be $5,000.
But Zales does this thing where you buy it, they give it to you, you have a year to pay it off, and as long as you meet your monthly payments, you don't pay any interest.
Wow.
You can't fucking scrape five grand together.
Like whatever five grand divided by 12 is.
We got Gabriel.
I'm done, my awesome drawing.
It's my parents.
It's called Gavin McKinnis' Parents.
Hear me?
Yep.
We can hear you.
Hello, fellow autists, alumni, Gavin McGenius, and Ry the Fly Guy, who is definitely not a fag, and those who say otherwise are projecting.
On the contrary, though, I think the tracks your train of thought runs on were half-built because your retard father didn't show up for work.
I get it.
Big ups to your mom for carrying the weight, though.
She didn't do shit.
She left him when he was 14.
She didn't leave me.
It's not true.
And it was not 14.
How old were you?
13?
16, 17?
She moved to a different apartment.
I was like, I don't have to go with you.
I got a lot of friends here.
I'm not going to go with you.
You weren't 16.
You were 14.
I was not.
14 is when I started playing guitar, and I was like, 13, 14.
No, that was, I was middle school.
She left when I was in high school.
And I was like, okay, bye, Branch.
I'm an adult.
I could have lived with her.
I'm an adult.
I'm going to live with my grandparents for the next 20 years.
Correct.
Being a rock star.
In and out, bringing chicks in, fucking them, fucking rocking them.
Bringing chicks to my grandparents' house, just like Motley Crew did.
She did ruin a lot of hookups there.
You know, you lock the door.
You ruined them.
Had to get a little bit.
Sorry, go ahead with your question.
You're the last caller on the Get Off My Lawn hit show, Get Off My Lawn.
Well, what an honor.
Well, thank you.
I'll get into it.
I would like to say season three, episode 23, Gavin is Unstoppable, was by far a most hilarious one for me.
I would appreciate more kangaroo boy LARPing.
It got some bad reviews.
The subscribers seemed very annoyed by that episode.
I was pretty happy.
Fuck him.
On another note, season three, episode 29 at timestamp 5651 regarding the large male cop with the hair bun and hefty beard.
Have I been living under a rock or is this an oddity to either of you two as well?
I wouldn't guess that that is dress code compliant and that they must be desperate for cops.
All right, let me fight you in my thin hoodie, performance sandals, insert Oxford comic here, and toe socks on while Alice in chains plays as ambience.
Thanks for answering.
Okay, thanks for calling.
And in the future, you don't need to write out your questions.
Did you find that episode?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they can't.
Can they have beards even?
They can't have beards in New York, I don't think.
Yeah, the guy had a legit man bun.
A man bun?
No.
Oh, that's New York City.
Wait, what was the timecode again?
I forget the time.
I thought it was 56.
They can't have a fucking man bun?
Yeah, I remember that video.
Okay, so it should be in the notes for that show there, but.
You really got it.
I don't know.
If someone says a time code, write it down.
56.
God, my body is getting so hot.
Like, temperature-wise, or attractive as it is.
I've been drinking beer of this all night, so not right now, but in the day after working out, I'm becoming ripped.
I'm becoming like breathtakingly gorgeous.
Look at these fucking pipes.
Those are piping.
I know they're not that impressive to you, but compared to the Grover arms I've been dealing with for the past few years, I'm very happy.
Of course, it takes working out an hour a fucking day.
Yeah, man buns are not acceptable.
And if you do wear a man bun as a cop, we hope that you get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Worms make the cruel design, say a DIE into her skin.
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