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Aug. 18, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
53:31
S02E200 - FREE MERCEDES [2020-08-18 - S02E200 - FREE MERCEDES]
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Time Text
I'm from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
It's life a sin.
It's got me.
Music That's about a guy who did some time for dust in a baggie.
Dust is big.
Meth is big everywhere but New York.
New York's still Coke.
Miami's still Coke.
But when I go to the South, you're at a bar at 1.30 in the morning.
You're like, I'm 50.
I'm kind of pooped.
And you look around the bar and it's just golf ball eyes.
You're leaving already, dude?
Dude, we got two more days in us.
Same with the Pacific Northwest, Seattle, Portland, all those fucking towns or meth towns.
LA is still Coke.
But Coke's really bad for you.
And that's nothing compared to the old Meth Arunski.
Wow.
Like you're up for three days and you're drinking for three days.
You know how hungover you are when you party and you started it early, like around, you know, 1 p.m. and you go to 11 the next day you have AIDS?
That's nothing with vermeth.
I just heard myself doing a Gavin.
That's nothing.
I'm doing an imitation of Gavin.
And it's big in porn.
You know, when you see them really going at it in porn, and you shouldn't be watching porn, it's corrupt.
They're on meth.
Sex feels really good on meth.
In fact, a friend of mine has AIDS.
And for my wedding, he got me a vial of meth in lube.
It looks like Superman's house in the bottle, but when you shake it up, it nullifies, mollifies, whatever.
He recommended I put it on me and my lady's genitals.
He also made us about six CDs of house music, and we put that on.
What?
I'm sure he's right, but no, thank you.
Plus, that's how he got AIDS.
At a circuit party, he got breamed up the butt cake for like two days straight.
So the thing that gave you AIDS is your wedding present to us.
No, thanks.
I don't like house.
Threw the CDs away, poured the stuff down the toilet, the lube, the mess lube.
Is that the same where we had residue and you and Beckles did it before that Vice thing or something?
Or MTV?
Yeah.
And then you woke up David.
There was still some residue or something, right?
Yeah, we had to do...
And Derek and I stayed up all night partying our asses off.
And I go, uh-oh, it's 9 a.m. soon.
We got to go and do that presentation.
So we did mess thinking it would sober us up, but no.
You're still wasted.
You're just talking really fast.
Anyway, this episode is a very controversial episode.
And it's dedicated to Mercedes Carrera, who is in San Bernardino Correctional Detention Center at 630 East Rialto.
Got to be careful not to show my address there.
And the charges are pretty heinous.
We're going to talk to her today.
We have a call with Mercedes.
And, you know, when all this shit first hit the fan, I had the same instinct most of you would have, which is, cut her loose.
She's evil.
She's a pedophile.
She makes kiddie porn, distributes it, rapes her, rapes children, many children.
And you go, well, actually, let me look into this first before I ex my friend.
Because on a much smaller scale, this is what happens to the rest of us when we're seen as a Nazi.
Like my reputation is destroyed.
I'm a Nazi everywhere I go now.
And when I sit in a restaurant, I have to have my back to the wall.
I'm ready to fight at all times.
And that's because of a lie that I'm a white supremacist.
So I can sympathize with her.
And it's amazing how many just, how many people just took the bait.
Like several black people I know said, dude, I'm pissed that you're a white supremacist now.
What?
Why didn't you ask me?
And I told you before about that dude, Brandon, in LA, I forget his last name, who basically tried to blackmail me and said, I'm going to show people pictures of you and I hanging out because him and Jerry Minor, I used to hang out with when I'd go to LA and they're both black.
So instead of going, that's bullshit.
He's my friend, they go, he is?
Well, guess what?
I have pictures of us together.
I'm going to ruin his white supremacy club.
You want to talk about woke?
I'm woke.
But we have to allow for the possibility that she is guilty.
She's a friend of mine.
You're guilty till proven innocent.
There's zero evidence outside of an interview with this girl who's her daughter, by the way.
I didn't know that when I first heard the story.
And if she is guilty of molesting her daughter, I want her to get the death penalty, which is strange when it's your friend, but she's not a human being if she's molesting her daughter.
But I got to say, I've known this woman for years.
Look at that video.
What date is that?
This was uploaded 2015.
So I think it's about five years.
And I've been corresponding with her on a regular basis.
Did a photo shoot with her that never went anywhere for Penthouse Australia.
And she was a regular guest on my show.
We did stupid jokes.
There was never any, and I know her husband too.
And there was never any inclination whatsoever of not just molestation, but any malfeasance at all.
Not even like stealing 40 bucks from someone.
There may or may not have been some drugs purchased when I saw them one time.
And everyone was very on the up and up about the distribution, paying everything.
So the fact that the here's her side of the story.
Well, let me just tell you both sides.
So, the allegations are inappropriate touching, oral copulation, digital penetration, which occurred over four months.
So, that's eight counts of sexually abusing a child under the age of 10.
The pair are also accused of possession while armed.
I think they are guilty of that.
I think they did have meth in the house.
Porn stars love their meth.
Meth is, you'd be surprised how mainstream it is, though.
Like, bikers are all on fucking meth.
How do you think you drive across the country on a Harley?
You're high.
It's in their Gatorade.
I don't mean to rat them out, but.
So, and they have guns.
She's all legal guns, but she's a big gun person.
Her dad was a military guy, very good dad, by the way.
I don't believe she was molested.
Like, I can't sit here and say she was definitely not molested, but she talks about her dad glowingly.
He's dead now.
Thank God.
Doesn't have to see this.
So that's the police's side.
And they come into this porn star's house in San Bernardino, and they see cameras aimed at the bed.
Yeah, that's another thing porn stars do.
And here's the thing.
People would ask, why do you have a porn star on the site?
You're anti-porn.
Yeah, I can disagree with people.
And Mercedes and I would argue about it.
I'd say it's not healthy.
It's keeping men at home.
And she goes, well, couples like it.
It can be good for a marriage.
And I go, women don't like porn.
Oh, yeah, you'd be supposed to fuck off.
So some 28-year-old watched porn a couple times.
Men are visual.
They could look at a gaping vagina like the way a doctor does and go, wow, that's gorgeous.
Women, like, they see that and they go, Jesus Christ, what happened there?
They're not, they don't like that.
It's very graphic for them.
We just go, yeah.
They feel like they're at the gynecologist or some sort of mortician.
Now, that's how guys talk to one another.
That guy looks more like you every day.
So her side of the story is that her baby daddy was about to lose custody.
I can't remember how.
And he decided, I don't, I guess there was some sort of time limit.
Why was he about to not see her again or about to lose custody?
Because they weren't married.
Maybe that she was married to a new guy?
Yeah.
Or maybe he was going to adopt her or something.
Anyway, there was some reason why the boyfriend or the baby daddy felt in peril, felt at risk of not seeing the girl anymore.
So, and he's very Christian and he doesn't like porn.
So he got it into her head that all these things happened to her.
And Mercedes is mortified.
Now the police came in, they stormed her house, they took her hard drives and her computers.
If she was into child porn, wouldn't there be some child porn on those computers?
She said, take them, take my computers, go search them all.
And nothing came up.
But San Bernardino is one of the only places, and this will probably come up in the interview, where you can go to jail and start a trial with zero evidence.
And outside of this interview with the girl, there is zero evidence.
Now, she's been in there since February 6th, I believe, 2019.
No sign of a trial.
She could be there for five years, six years, 10 years with no trial.
This whole like thing about Swift justice is a myth.
And she's never going to, her daughter can't see her by law.
When there's been this kind of accusation, it doesn't matter how innocent she is, she has a restraining order.
She can't go near her daughter without getting arrested until her daughter is an adult, which I believe is in like eight years.
Although this happened a year and a half ago, so maybe it'll be six years at this point.
And then, so she can't see her daughter until her daughter's an adult, and that's if her daughter wants to.
Maybe she's brainwashed herself, assuming that Mercedes is innocent.
She can't work in her profession anymore, which, I don't know, good.
But she was an aerospace engineer before she did this.
She's on the spectrum.
She's very sort of...
So she can't have any other job but a dishwasher for the rest of her life.
So she's, I said to her on the phone once, I go, don't let the bastards win.
Don't let them get you down.
And she goes, I already won.
I would love to die.
This fucking prison is disgusting.
It's full of human garbage.
Drop a bomb on it.
It'd be better for everyone, including those of us inside here.
Kill us.
Now, there's another angle to all of this, which is she's MAGA.
And she was posing with Stormy Daniels about three days before she was arrested.
But that would be anti-Trump.
She doesn't like Stormy Daniels.
It was just a joke.
But she's very, she did a lot of talks.
She would do speeches with Milo and go on lots of shows.
She was into vets, and she said vets were treated really badly.
So she would take vets on dates to the porn awards, whatever those are called.
Very pro-vet, very pro-gun.
And the way that she's being treated here doesn't really match the charges.
Like there's pedophiles that have come and gone in the time she's just been waiting for her trial.
And her bail is $6 million.
Isn't that strange?
With no evidence?
What's that?
Her Instagram.
I guess she's not updating it much these days.
No.
February 2019 was last post.
19?
That's when she was arrested, February 2019.
So I want to preface all that because it's a very strange interview.
And you often, it looks like you're condoning the person when you have an interview.
I am.
I believe in my heart She's innocent.
I'd say there is a 1% to 2% chance she's not.
And we are officially leaving that open.
I think that's reasonable.
I don't think Mercedes would object.
But I just always was inspired by her.
Here's a video.
This is what introduced me to her five years ago.
There was a porn star who was a victim of a home invasion where she was then gangbanged by like five black dudes.
And no one gave a shit about it because she's a porn star.
She's a slut.
And it's this sort of sexual Puritanism of feminism where they don't treat porn stars as actual women.
Meanwhile, they go on slut walks and talk about sex work all the time.
They're fucking total hypocrites, really inconsistent.
And Mercedes was pissed at feminists for this, for ignoring the rape.
Fucking silence.
And you know what makes me mad?
And this is why I am so pissed off at modern feminists.
They claim to care about women, but when there are actually women in need, what do they do?
Fucking radio silence.
They don't give a shit about anybody but themselves.
Anita Sarkeesian has made hundreds of thousands of dollars peddling her bullshit, faux video, socially damaging crap.
And it has been damaging for gender relations and it has been damaging for women.
And I don't even want to hear about her victimhood because Cytheria, she's a real victim, a real victim of a random rape and assault.
And, you know, anybody who even dares insinuate that a sex worker doesn't deserve the same type of defense because of, because they work in sex work could go fuck themselves.
And that's what I have to say.
And that's why I am so fucking livid.
So that's the Mercedes I know.
And her husband, too.
Like, they're very intelligent people, her and her husband, Damien.
They're the ones who told me about the pill and how it encourages women to date betas because it makes the woman think she's pregnant.
And when women are pregnant, they're not looking to get boned.
They're looking for a brother-like figure, a soft, solipsistic sweetie who's going to console her and keep her safe, but not touch her sexually.
So they end up with these brother-type boyfriends.
And then they get married.
They go off the pill.
They're trying to get pregnant.
They're like, why am I married to a fag?
This guy's like my brother.
What have I done?
So it's a dangerous thing to do.
Although as a father, I kind of like the idea of my daughter not being attracted to real men until way down the line.
I just won't let her put a ring on it.
So, yeah, intelligent couple, friends of mine.
I can't see how this is true.
She adored her daughter, was very secretive about her daughter, too.
Like, she didn't put her on blast or show any pictures of her on Instagram.
She kept those worlds very separate.
And now her daughter's torn from her.
And the thing that scares me is, if I'm right and she's innocent, could this happen to anyone?
I mean, San Bernardino is unique in that you can go to jail based on a rumor, but does that mean everyone in San Bernardino this could happen to anyone there?
Anyway, let's have a quick look at what it looks like in there.
I think it's sort of like, you know, the show 60 Days?
I think it's like that.
It's like a common area.
But she gets out very little.
That's the sheriff.
Like, some of these cops, I love cops, but one of the things the cops said was, we discovered cameras in the bedroom.
Yeah, it's a fucking pornstar retard.
She's not getting out of there.
This is some weirdo who just went in there filming.
You sure can't do that at Rikers.
Thank you.
I guess that's legal there?
You kind of get the idea.
What's that?
Inmate abuse?
The jail she's at, there was a big lawsuit about inmate abuse where I think 24 of them came in and said they were getting threatened.
They said that the COs would walk around with shotguns saying someone's going to die tonight and cocking the shotgun.
When I first spoke to her, when she first went in there, she had a lot of complaints and she hated cops and said they should all be female.
But recently she's been in her letters, which they really pile up.
She said that she actually likes the COs and they're very sweet.
What's this one?
At least six inmates have accused the San Merdino County Sheriff Deputies of torturing inmates.
And they're suing now for millions of dollars.
NBC Force Gotti Schwartz is live in Rancho Cucamonga tonight.
What's in that lawsuit?
So far, all of the inmates listed in this lawsuit are in the protective custody unit where they say the only protection they need is from correctional officers.
This lawsuit is just the beginning, filed this week by six inmates.
And already by tonight, lawyers say they have found more inmates of the West Valley Detention Center claiming very specific abuse from January 2013 to March of this year.
The allegations include threats with shotguns.
racking around, making them believe that there was going to be an execution or shooting someone, and actually pointing the shotgun at someone's head.
Beating, sodomy, and even claims that guards would play games by seeing how long inmates...
How long inmates' dicks are.
Really?
No, right?
I don't know.
If there's sodomy, I mean, that seems like a farm.
You're right.
Okay, this is the last one.
This is San Diego, but I think it gives you a good idea of where she is.
they're not far off There's a cool door.
I was just about to say that, yeah.
Oh, she's in the future?
Hey, Mercedes, I know it sucks being there, but you have to admit, it has a cool door.
It's cool if you're leaving it.
And that's not even where she is.
Mm.
Yeah, I was told the whole white-collar groovy prison where you play tennis all day is done.
So if someone is incarcerated for insider trading, they're going to a place like this.
Yeah, that's why I pulled this up.
I think this gives you a good idea of where she's calling from.
Okay.
Well, I think we've done a good enough intro.
Shall we await her call?
We shall bump, bump, bump it up.
Hey.
Hey.
How are we doing?
I'm doing well.
How are you?
I'm doing well.
I hear you're having a great time in there, and you're really happy about the way things are going.
And you couldn't be more impressed with the justice system.
I, well, I have my own grievances about the criminal justice system, especially in the state of California.
But I will say that being in jail during a pandemic is at least entertaining.
I'm more entertained than probably anybody else in the state of California right now.
So there's that.
I mean, at least I have like a constant, steady flow of people to entertain me.
Get a look on the bright side.
Well, I have your birthday card here that I noticed you had all the East and the West gangsters sign it together.
I had the East side and the West side.
Our friendship brought them together.
Now, your charges are horrible.
Some of the worst charges I've ever heard.
And I know you can't say too much, but the story that's not just that I've heard, but that's sort of going around is that your baby daddy was looking to get custody, full custody, and he got her to say horrible things.
And San Bernardino is the only place where you can throw someone in jail based on rumors.
You don't need hard evidence.
That is true.
So San Bernardino County is actually the only, I found this out after I was arrested.
San Bernardin County is the last remaining county in California, to my knowledge, where you can, on allegations alone, hold people on allegations of child sexual abuse alone without any form of evidence.
And they can stack charges and keep bail artificially high.
That is true.
So my bail should be set at $6 million, making it impossible for me to bail out because they really, really, really want me to stay here.
That's what I learned.
That's incredible.
And I mean, if you're making the justice system and you look at charges like that, you'd go, I don't want them getting out.
But the real problem, I think, is, like, I get the high bail if the charges are that nuts.
The problem is you can have charges that nuts with zero evidence.
They've seen your computers.
They've been through your hard drives.
There's zero kiddie porn.
Yep.
Yep, that's true.
All true.
I always see.
I was just reading about a politician in Britain who had a much worse case, like terabyte and terabyte of kiddie porn that they found.
And I think it's getting away with like 10 months or something.
There are cases inside this county where people have been arrested who've had actual tangible evidence and had inside this county like terabytes of child porn, stuff like that, and had bail of like $100,000.
So this is a very like a political case.
Keep in mind, I was arrested during that whole Stormy Daniels thing.
So they really politicized this case.
They told the press there was a treasure trove of evidence without even having looked into the hard drives.
They basically quick claimed my daughter to my ex, gave him custody, gave him restraining orders against me and my husband.
And once, you know, when they mess up on a case, what they'll do is instead of admitting that they were in the wrong, what they'll do is instead hold people for long terms, hoping that they will eventually tire out being held in jail and push them to plead out on low charges rather than admit they're wrong.
San Bernardino County has a 98% conviction rate, which is statistically pretty much impossible.
And it's because they're basically what they do is they wear people out.
I've seen it happen here where people were truly innocent and they were held for four or five, six years on cases.
And so eventually they tire out and they want to go back to life and they'll plead out on charges that they really didn't do just because they want to go home.
And then they'll end up with time served.
Yeah, they'll get time served or they'll take a misdemeanor charge after four or five years.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
Would you do that?
No.
Because I have nothing left, so at this point, it's a battle of wills.
No.
Yeah, it's not like if you take a plea, you get your daughter back and everything's fine.
Yeah, so at this point, I'll just stay here.
I will continue to sit here and eat terrible food and be a thorn in their side.
So what's a typical day like for Mercedes?
What time do you wake up?
Are you alone in a cell?
I have a 30-square-foot cell that is all my own at wonderful Central Detention Resort and Spa.
And a lot of times I get up at 4.30 in the morning, which is when they wake us up for breakfast, chow one, which we at least are served in our cell right now because of the pandemic, which usually consists of bread and peanut butter.
And a lot of times I get up.
It consists of what and butter?
Bread and peanut butter.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And a lot of times I actually get up early and watch the news because it's when I can watch the news.
So I watch Sox News, which is pretty good at 4.30 in the morning because I get the New York Report.
Wait, and you watch that in a common area?
Well, actually, you know, it's kind of nice.
So, actually, I like this jail.
This is the better jail.
The other jail was the worst jail that I was at for a while.
So, this is the nice jail.
And, you know, I have to say, all things being equal, this is the better jail.
The deputies here are very nice.
So, as much as I can complain about the criminal justice system, I will say that our deputies here are excellent.
So, I got to give a shout out to the, it's not their fault that the justice system here sucks.
But, wait a minute.
We've been putting your address up at the end of the show.
Is that the same address?
The address, I'm at Central Detention Center.
Yeah, that sounds really cool.
630 East Rialto Avenue.
Yeah.
And our deputies here are really cool.
So, even though I really hate the criminal justice system here, but our cops here rock.
They're great.
Deputy Pepler is fucking awesome.
I mean, they're really, our cops are really great here.
But wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where do you watch Fox News?
So I have a TV in front of ourselves.
Oh, great.
Yeah, so it's actually kind of nice.
So even though I'm locked down all day, but we have a TV every four cells.
So they keep us entertained here.
Even though they keep us locked up.
So you watch until what time?
Like, I want to get a breakdown of one exact day.
Fox starts at 4.30 with peanut butter.
I watch Fox until, well, I don't eat peanut butter.
Okay.
So if I'm locking one of the other girls up, or they open my cell door, I might get some hot water and make some coffee.
Instant coffee.
And until the other girls wake up, which is usually 8 or maybe 9, I get to watch Fox.
Fox News.
then usually meds comes and then after What are meds?
Medication.
When the med nurse comes, the girls get up.
Then they're up for the day.
And then what are your meds?
Psychiatric meds.
Oh, but they're all prescribed.
Are you on any?
Yeah, I had them give me an SSRI and Topamax for headaches.
Huh.
Yeah.
So what are the effects of that?
So just no headaches.
And what's the first one?
Topohedzamin?
It's an SSRI.
It's called effects or it ups the serotonin level.
Yeah, after a while, the lack of protein they give you here, you end up depressed in here because the mineralization sucks so bad.
Also, being locked in a fucking cage for 21 hours a day is going to help, it's going to take a bite out of your self-esteem.
Yeah, it takes a bite.
I realized after a while, because I got through it for like a year, maybe 14 months, just on brute strength.
But I realized a lot of it's just the nutrition.
It really, nutrition is a huge part of your serotonin levels, and I usually eat really well.
So that was a big part of it for me.
Okay, so we had Fox News at 4.30.
For about three hours, we're sitting there watching it, having some bread.
The other girls wake up.
We all get our meds.
I usually write the news, the news report to Damon at that time because he doesn't get news over in the men's unit.
They don't get the remote on that side, so he doesn't ever get the news.
So I usually write out for him what's going on.
Oh, that's cool.
So you're allowed to write to him?
Yeah, so I can write to him.
So I usually just give him a news report or something.
It's your husband Damien, folks at home.
Yeah, so I give him the news.
And then after that, you know, whatever's going on for the day, our tier schedule varies.
So some days we're out in the afternoon, some days we're out in the morning.
So whenever they let us out, it's when they let us out.
And when you say let out, you don't mean running around in a field picking days out.
When I say let out, I mean they open my cell door.
And so out consists of a hallway that's in front of my cell door that runs the length of all the cells and encompasses that hallway where our two phones, our showers are.
And then we have a little common day room.
So there's two hallways that have our cells and have, so it has the east side and the west side.
And then we have our common day room area.
And that's where we have our water cigot.
And we have some tables that if we want to sit down and play chess or whatever.
Play chess?
And chess.
I taught the girls how to play chess.
Oh, cool.
So do you have anyone there that's within like, say, 10 points or 20 points of your IQ?
I mean, I don't know if there's an IQ test here, but, you know, I taught the girls how to play chess, so at least I have chess partners.
So it's like Shawshank Redemption over here.
But is there like a, like, because in male prisons, I'm told that after a little while, you get to your crew, and it's your people.
Like, I imagine I would be with the sort of goofballs.
Well, there's only six or seven of us on this side.
And then the girls who are on the west side, they actually, we don't congregate because they're considered to be the max girls.
When our side's open to the day room, their side's technically closed because they're the prison girls.
So they're high points.
So we're not allowed to actually congregate with them, but we talk to them through the gate and we get them water and vice versa.
So technically we're protected custody and technically they're prison girls.
So we're not supposed to actually interact, but we talk to each other clearly.
Sweet.
Yeah, so we sign each other's cards and, you know, we're friendly.
And so, you know, we chit-chat, but we're not supposed to be like hanging out together in the day room.
Because in theory, they're not supposed to really hang out with us.
Because in prison, protective custody and high points aren't supposed to hang out with each other.
But that's not how it is in real life.
But there's not enough of us to have like real crews.
So we all just kind of hang out together.
Okay.
And activities include TV, chess, anything else?
Like, what are the women like there?
they don't sound very violent.
No.
No, it's not I mean it's not a violent environment.
I mean, you know, the women's side generally aren't.
It's not like men's jail or men's prison.
And also in jail, I mean, you get, you know, these are people who are awaiting trial.
So if you get in fights or whatever, that reflects very poorly on your case.
Right, right.
So.
What's a typical charge for these women?
I'm sure yours aren't.
No, but PC charges, you know, usually they're kid cases.
So it might involve the death of a child.
It might involve something to do with children.
It might involve some of them, you know, it could be that they're related to a cop.
It might involve killing cop, might involve something like that.
Or it might involve, you know, like over here, not so much.
I'm trying to think of, but usually PCs are usually related to a child or related to something with cops.
The Mac scrolls, they're usually just high point scrolls that either have gang connections or they're girls who've been to prison multiple times.
For what?
What do you mean?
When you say they've been to prisons multiple times, like for being a lookout for drugs or like what does gang connections mean?
Just being in a gang is a crime?
No, but like let's say like GTA, multiple drug busts, you know, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon, you know, might have gotten involved, you know, assault, multiple assault charges, stuff like that.
Sounds pretty benign.
Yeah, I mean, you know, all things being equal, not necessarily murder, but, you know, maybe manslaughter, something like that.
So now you're lounging around in the day, and then chow time, lunchtime, is that in a cafeteria?
No, they serve us in our room.
Objective custody max girls usually don't go eat in a chow hall because so we have to be segmented.
So we eat in our rooms in ourselves.
And then now because of COVID, everybody has to eat in ourselves anyway.
And then after lunch, you've already had your three hours, I guess.
You're not allowed back out again?
Yeah, so it depends.
Like right now, so it's actually we're in a pretty good spot because the girls up in prison, we're told the prisoners have it really bad because everybody's stuck in their rooms.
Usually they're allowed to move about their facilities, but everybody's in lockdown.
So usually prisoners live eight to a room and they're allowed to move around.
Like they have classes or whatever they're doing, jobs, stuff like that.
But right now, everybody's stuck inside their room.
Upstairs here, their dormitory, and they kind of have everything they need in their room.
They're usually, the doors are open for like six hours a day.
They're in lockdown.
I guess they're in quarantine upstairs right now, as it is.
So they're not happy about that.
But yeah, so here they've been letting us out actually a little bit more.
We've been out for like five, six hours a day sometimes.
So it's been kind of nice.
Yeah.
So when you get back in and if you're not allowed out again and say you've got another five hours before you're going to get tired, what are you doing now?
I just have lots of books to read.
I've had a lot of time to, it's been great, actually.
I've read a lot of Russian literature.
Like what?
I've reviewed the book.
Oh, you're reading the Gulag Archipelago, right?
Gulag Archipelago.
I read War and Peace, which was great.
I had time to read War and Peace finally.
And Anna Karenina.
I'm reading a book on World War II right now that somebody just sent me, which is awesome.
I read most of Vonnegut's work in my time in here.
How long have you been in there for?
18 months.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Yep.
You know, I read Machiavelli's work.
If you haven't read the discourses, you know, if you look at society right now, everything makes sense because we're in anarchy, but anarchy follows democracy, right?
So everybody talks about how America is a republic.
But, you know, Machiavelli talks about this and he's really clear.
A republic is the merger of a monarchy, an aristocracy, and a democracy.
And that makes sense.
So the cycles of government are anarchy becomes a principality, principalities become monarchies, monarchies become corrupt.
And eventually, aristocracies will then overthrow monarchies.
So rich guys, you know, say, fuck this guy and his, you know, corrupt kid.
They take over.
Those oligarchies become corrupt.
You know, the people overthrow them.
They become corrupt and then anarchies take over.
So a more perfect government is a republic.
A republic says, okay, we all have to work together.
We're going to merge these.
We're going to make all of these people's money dependent on one another.
And that's really what a republic is.
And I think people don't like to talk about it in those terms because when the American Republic was formed, we didn't like to think about the president as a king and Congress as an oligarch.
That's really what it is.
The problem is when we went to universal suffrage, when we started allowing people to vote who do not have a pecuniary interest in this government, basically when you have non-taxpayers voting, you start to have a democracy.
And that's what we have right now.
So you have these fucking people who are basically do-nothing assholes who have been voting.
And that's like most Democrats at this point.
Yeah.
That's why Obama was elected.
These are fucking losers.
They are dependent class fucking losers, non-taxpaying pieces of shit, who are draining our treasury.
And they have been voting to drain the treasury, right?
So this, like basically, since, I don't know, Obama's administration, it has pushed our government into full democracy.
And they are the same people who are now pushing our government into full anarchy.
It's in the discourses.
If you read Machiavelli's The Discourses, which I just read in my fucking jail cell, then all of a sudden everything that's happening right now makes sense.
Like, look at that.
Yeah.
You have one minute left.
So that, like, literally, like, it's in, it's in our history book.
There it is.
It's amazing how history repeats itself.
Well, Mercedes, what can we do to help?
You can write me letters.
I love you guys.
I'm sorry the world's going to shit.
Write me letters.
Energy accepted.
Yeah, I'm sorry the world's going to shit.
I'm rooting for all of you while I'm in my jail cell.
I think of you guys all the time, and I love all of you.
Thanks, Mercedes.
Well, I know that they've taken everything from you, but don't let the bastards take away your will to fight.
They can take my life, but they will never take our freedom.
I love you all.
Thanks, Mercedes.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, if I would have listened to what Mommy and Papa said, I wouldn't have to do it.
Um, yeah.
I know people come to these shows like this, like Rush Limbaugh and Tucker Carlson, they know exactly what their opinion is.
They tell you the story, and it's all figured out for you.
This show is pretty open-ended.
She's our friend.
I don't think she did it.
But we're allowing for that 2% chance that she's guilty.
Which is obviously the most horrific thing imaginable.
Worse than murder, I think.
All right.
Shall we check out the mail B?
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mail back.
Let me touch it.
This is a gay email.
Gav, my dad died unexpectedly three years ago when I was 19.
That's fucking rough, dude.
What a terrible time.
In the year or so after that, I became a depressed college pothead with very little ambition.
Makes sense.
I was three years into a relationship, but was too afraid to commit and was content with wasting my girlfriend's time indefinitely.
She was 24 at the time.
Then I discovered your stuff.
I'm 22 now.
I married her this January.
Phew.
We bought a house in February and I knocked her up in May.
This is the happiest I've ever been.
You have remained a big influence on me throughout it all.
I hope many more guys will do what I did and listen to what you're screaming.
Your fatherhood show is right on time.
On Saturday, we found out that the baby is a girl.
Her middle name is going to be Gavin.
Just kidding about the name.
That would be retarded.
Well, that's a nice letter.
Yeah, like, you know, I fucked hundreds of chicks, and what did I gain from that?
It's like partying, you know, you do tons of Coke and pot and mushrooms and acid, and then you drink bottles and bottles of booze and fucking a million beers.
You get it yet?
You know?
It's not even like sports, too, where you get better and better, and then you're in a new league, and then you might become a pro.
And being good at it, if you will.
It's just like playing the same stick ball in the street again and again and again and again.
I understand that you want to fuck around.
I think you'd be happier if you married your first love, but that's a tough sell with today's youth.
But if you started getting wasted at 14, 15, 16, surely after 10 years or even five years, have you not got the idea?
And vaginas and tits and stuff, there's not that much, like tits have lots of different sizes.
But as far as like sex goes, you know your type.
You know what you're attracted to.
I'm sure after three or four chicks, you kind of get the idea.
That's true.
And then after your party phase, you move to the dad phase.
And wow.
It's another world, my friends.
Total, total, it's literally, oh, I shouldn't say literally.
Yeah, I can say literally.
It's literally a different world.
I'm a totally different person.
I look back on before I had kids and I go, oh, cute.
You think you're a person?
Yes, you are.
Oh, look, you put up shelves in your room and you think that's a thing.
You think you've accomplished something good.
My son's on a cover of a magazine.
Look up the Dharman one of that where it's a football.
It's the exact same video.
The exact same script.
No, there was a repeat of a different one with the parking spot.
Remember that?
Look.
Yeah.
Got a surprise for you, buddy.
Hey, guys, it's Dar.
The video you're about to watch.
Hey, guys, I look like one of those drawings where when you turn it upside down, it's also a face.
And make sure to stay till the end.
I'm 180 degrees.
Here's my football from my last game.
Again, I wasn't able to go all the way.
You mean your last game?
Listen to how bad this actor is.
He goes, the way you say that line is, you go, I wasn't able to go all the way.
Maybe you can.
But he says, I wasn't able to go all the way.
Maybe he talks late.
Scary Perry in Windy City Heat.
He reads the script and thinks just randomizing how he says it is acting.
But luckily, I have you.
No, go back.
I wasn't able to go all the way.
But luckily, I have you to finish what I wasn't able to.
Just put pauses.
I think it's so easy.
Just put pauses.
And to see someone fuck it up, it's like watching an adult try to ride a bicycle and fall off.
Oh, thanks.
Dad.
And sweetie.
All right, that's the name.
I didn't forget about you.
I got you a magazine about makeup.
Hey, Gavin, that gas can thing.
It's an easy fix.
It's called a sure can, and you can get them online.
All right, thank you.
Sure can.
I think I got a good letter in my normal box.
That made me feel like I have a vagina when I said that.
That's your normal box?
That looks pretty cool.
This one was kind of interesting.
I guess off to 42.
Please only send letters to the mailbag, folks.
It's all right.
I'm sending you that one.
This one guy, Lars.
I actually know this dude.
He's a proud boy.
Here's one from Zach.
Hey, man, not even trying to get this on the mailbag, but I got to say this to you personally.
Sophia's brilliant, especially for her love her show.
I love her mind, and I'm probably a good two decades older than her.
That's impressive as it's hard to get me to listen online.
I only suggest if you have any proclivity to do so, just to tell her to slow down and pronounce a little more.
You mean enunciate or pronounce?
Okay, so that's not a very good letter at all.
What was the letter I was looking for?
Dear Gavin, how can Ryan work as a co-host and producer of a political humor internet talk show and deliberately avoid following politics outside of his 70 minutes on the show each day?
It would be like the commentators at the UFC just showing up for work and doing it all impromptu.
It's fucking retarded.
No, it's like their producers doing that impromptu.
I'm sure their tech could not watch sports.
Okay.
I do watch politics.
I mean, I do watch politics and get involved.
You get involved?
I get involved.
I tweet or whatever.
You tweet a lot?
Not really.
I'm lying.
City lie.
I get involved.
Here we go.
Oh, this is the letter I was looking for.
Yeah.
Some chick was trying to arrest someone, and the guy just grabbed her and put her in the headlock, and then those five teenagers had to go in and save her.
In other words, she's useless and shouldn't be doing anything.
Here's a letter I was looking for.
Hey, Gavin, how much of being in a relationship is being your true self, and how much of it is trying to fulfill your woman's needs?
For example, in my current relationship, my girlfriend instigates everything.
She always texts first, asks me when I'm free, etc.
Everything we do is on my terms, and she clears her schedule for me.
She's a little needy, but it feels great to finally not be doing the dude chasing and be a chill dude.
Should this game, where she's chasing me, continue for the entire relationship?
Sometimes I have the urge to text her, but I don't want her to gain this illusional advantage.
I feel as if too much advice from Patrice O'Neill has fucked me over because everything I do in my relationship is calculated and it's working, but I'm not giving her my complete self.
Do you still calculate what moves you'll do with your wife not to turn her off?
Are you still trying to impress her?
Thanks, legend.
Yes.
You know, you talk to a lot of people about relationships and they go, just be yourself.
No, don't be yourself.
Never be yourself.
Always be playing the upper hand.
Even in bed, sexually.
Like, never get tied up, you pussy.
You tie her up.
You never, you never, ever let her have the upper hand.
I've been married.
I've known my wife for 20 years, been married for 15.
I would never, if I, here's the analogy I always use.
You're running down the street with a chocolate cake, right?
You fall and trip.
Your face goes in the chocolate cake.
You have a complete chocolate face.
That's funny.
It's probably racist in this day and age.
But you should not tell her that.
Never.
I don't think you should tell your kids that.
I'm not sure about that.
That's kind of a different relationship.
But yeah, you'd never tell your wife that story.
My father-in-law was coming down these icy steps and he did a big cosmic silly fall.
And he said, don't tell his wife or my wife about that.
And I went, yeah, that's interesting.
You've been married for like 40 years and you're still never giving them the upper hand.
Now, that doesn't mean you can never relax.
Once things are established, like you're going out to dinner, you can basically be yourself, sort of, but it's like being a corrections officer, actually.
You can talk to the inmates and shit, but they have to always know that you call the shots and you can lock them up at any given time.
And if they get too lippy, you've got to put them back in line.
And with your wife, or your girlfriend, if she starts talking back and being a snarky bitch, you have to say, whoa, whoa, watch your tone.
Who do you think you're talking to?
You come across as a bitch.
Sorry.
So yeah, don't fart around her.
Don't tell her.
Don't be weak.
You can cry like this.
Soldiers tear.
Yeah, if you're watching a movie and a kid dies or something, I don't think that's a problem.
But you can never ugly cry or you can never cry about things like you didn't get a job or you're jealous.
Like never show her any of the of the seven deadly sins.
Never show her that you're jealous of someone or never say you're never imply you're intimidated by someone.
If someone scares you, shut your mouth about it.
That's really what I'm getting at here is if you want to be weak, go be weak with your fucking buddies.
Don't tell her anything.
All right, that's it.
Because this is a special app, I don't think we have the final video.
But I'll send it to you now.
It's my new favorite thing, which is car fights.
Now you know this is one of the oldest symbols.
Um...
I don't know.
I get it, you know, they say like with drugs, you keep meeting more and more.
Like with heroin, you start with just snorting it.
Next thing you know, you're shooting up $300 worth a day.
I'm that way with street fights.
I know I'm not satisfied with two people fighting.
If they see two people fighting on the street, there has to be a knockout, or I'm pissed.
But now I'm like, fists, why don't you get in your cars and have a good, old-fashioned car fight like this?
Oh my god.
Imagine how freaked out you'd be if you were in the truck.
Like, what the fuck is this person doing?
He's good at it.
Like, you caught him.
Yeah, just get the hell out of there, dude.
Ah, short and sweet.
So that is our very disturbing episode of cripplingly serious allegations to our friend Mercedes Carrera.
And we hope everything works.
And if you feel uncomfortable with defending someone before they've had a trial and giving them the benefit of the doubt, then you're making a big mistake.
You have to, That's really the secret to being a grown-up is allowing yourself to be uncomfortable, to confront people and to make uncomfortable decisions no matter what.
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