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April 21, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:26:19
S02E153 - PORN COMEDY [2020-04-21 - S02E153 - PORN COMEDY]
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Time Text
Remind you of love me, love me, say that you love me.
Yeah, that's pretty close.
I can't dance with anyone but you.
What's who does that again?
Love me, love me, say that you love me.
The cardigans, love fool.
That was Doja Cat and her new hit Say So.
Which she seems to have ripped off from the cardigan.
There's nothing that I could do to make it do.
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother you.
Okay, now go back to the Doja Cat.
It's that funk guitar and that bass, the funk bass, and then the airy.
Catch you, motherfucker.
Wow.
Catch us chilling that song.
Wow.
See, when you are as old as my ass is, you hear shit and it reminds you of shit and you got it all up here.
You know what?
There's a lot of derivative stuff going on.
Listen to this.
I can't get you.
I don't even.
And what we have here.
Oh, there's like a remember that song Out of My Head and I'm Out of My Mind?
Yeah.
Ryan, don't do this unless you have a slam dunk.
Because I just did a slam dunk.
It's a sample.
And yours are lame.
It is.
This is like when he did Ryan's mailbag and we heard about his shitty taste in music for 15 minutes.
That's the only thing I've put on the site that I've taken down.
You took it down?
Yeah.
It's bad for the brand.
It hurts the community.
It hurts the town.
It makes people who like me look bad.
Look bad.
You do it.
I'm doing it, Gavin.
McInnes.
What are you doing, by the way, killing the whole pace of the show right now?
You tell them how to do it.
So what are you looking at?
Well, it's for my own interest.
Now you're on Brooks Brothers?
What the fuck's going on?
We're starting the show here.
There's other tabs.
You don't have to be afraid of what's going on on the computer.
So Doja Cat was known for her Moo video last year, which was weird and popular.
I think it's about tits.
really high quality green screen there yeah bitch I'm a cow bitch I'm a cow I'm not a cat I don't say now bitch I'm a cow bitch I'm a cow bitch I'm a cow bitch I'm a cow go move go move Aren't women talented?
Okay, now you're bugging me.
Now I have to know what it is.
Because I just thought of another one that's a rip-off.
What is it?
Pink, like the doo-dee-ba-doo.
She's a pop star who's mulatto, and her whole thing is like really fast, exciting dancing.
She wears high heels on the little hat, and she's very 50s-ish.
Janelle Monet?
Yes.
You gotta see the whole.
Yeah, her.
That was impressive, Ryan.
I gotta say, I didn't give you many clues.
I think like the insides of your day.
Okay.
Is this all about genitals?
Yes, it's about a vagina.
We're gonna examine this too later on the show.
Female comedians, I've noticed, are on this kick where they just gross you around and talk about common periods and pussies in order to keep your attention.
And it's pathetic.
Okay, listen to this song closely.
Okay, now look up Yaz.
I can't remember the name of the song, but they only had two hits.
I don't even want to talk in case.
Situation?
No, Yaz, it's 80s.
You see that black and white pic?
Yeah.
I don't think it's Situation, but let's hear it.
No, no, the other one.
There are other hits.
Stop, stop.
We're going to lose it in our heads.
Don't go.
Nope.
They only had two hits, and that was two, so they might have had three.
Fall apart.
Only you?
Did you just go by only you?
I just clicked only you.
No, then.
Fuck, you're making me mad.
You just went by only you.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I played only you.
No, you didn't play only you.
You just went by it.
Music Isn't that the same song?
Pink and thunder.
They just stole it.
Now go back to that.
go anywhere in the song.
Thank you.
What's with our internet?
Oh, wow.
All right.
Sorry about that.
By the way, speaking of, that's just us going off on a tangent on the fly, okay?
So it's not going to Be perfectly lined up.
We're going to be searching for things.
It's like a radio show that we do here.
But I was so impressed with yesterday's show, especially when put up against everyone else who has access to all the same technology we do.
Conan, Stephen Colbert, Saturday Night Live.
We're really seeing how talentless these famous people are and how they need a team of people to compete with us.
Like that thing with Tony Soprano calling in, I honestly can't imagine any of these people doing something of that caliber.
Probably not.
Very difficult situation.
I want to steal Pat Dixon's idea.
We'll credit him on the album, but we got to have you do a Christmas album where like Bill Burr does a song, Tony Soprano does a song.
Oh, like full song.
And sell it.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
It's a Christmas album.
We'll do the commercial, but it'll be available.
That's pretty cool.
It's pretty cheap.
You just buy the song for like $60.
You have to pay royalties to the songwriters.
But those songs, especially if you're not, you know, if you're doing your own vocals, it's not that expensive.
We won't make a fortune.
Can we get our guy to do it?
It's like make tracks?
Yep.
I can make some tracks too.
Yeah, I know you can.
Speaking of the Sopranos, I was watching an old episode yesterday.
I was watching that episode where Vito gets caught being a fag.
He's a fag.
And when he goes, guys, it's a joke.
I'm doing a joke.
Joke.
It's one of the best scenes in the Sopranos.
We have to get him on the show.
Let's commit to finding him.
Well, he's got whacked.
Oh, no.
We'll get the actor who played him on the show.
Oh, I guess that's good.
Yeah, that's fun.
But we should bring on Tony Soprano when he's on.
Oh.
And talk about what a difficult situation he gave the crew.
Get my wallet.
Can you turn it up?
Is that your speaker?
it's pretty loud in here Who's he gay?
*laughs* *laughs*
That looks fun.
I wish straight bars did that.
You could just grab some hot chick by her leather and be like, I want to buy you a drink.
Fuck you, you hot chick.
What the fuck?
Sal.
Hey, fuck you doing?
Nothing.
I was here.
It's a joke.
I was here.
Guys, come on.
It's okay.
You think so?
Sal, please.
The little hack.
Sure.
It's a joke.
Say hi to your wife.
I'm serious.
I'm Sal, please.
Dead.
And then this space.
When he realizes I'm fucked.
Fuck those jerks.
What do you care what they think?
What?
Leave me the fuck alone.
Okay, we're getting him on the show.
I guaranteed.
Guaranteed.
All right, shall we start after all this nattering and bleathering?
Shall we get serious?
I just sent you this article, by the way.
It's not in the notes.
Chris Cuomo did this thing on CNN where he's coming out of quarantine.
Finally.
Oh, look, it's Groundhog Day.
Did Chris Cuomo see his shadow?
How many more months of quarantine will we get if Chris Cuomo didn't see his shadow?
CNN stages Chris Cuomo's phony exit from basement quarantine.
Keep going down.
In the annals of propaganda, CNN LOL's cynical and dishonest attempt to turn Chris Cuomo into some kind of selfless coronavirus folk hero is the fake newsiest fake news in all fake news.
When did Breitbart get so funny?
A little bit of we here in terms of what this Georgia reopening means for the rest of us and obviously to the people there and a little bit of me here as well.
We had a huge day today in Casa Cuomo.
Take a look at this.
Take a look at this.
All right, here is the official reentry from the basement.
Cleared by CDC, a little sweaty, just worked out.
Happens.
This is what I've been dreaming of, literally for weeks.
My wife, she was cleared by the CDC.
She doesn't have fever.
That's enough.
We don't talk about coronavirus on this show.
But keep going down because we're all just pretending that he wasn't at his Hampton's house that he's building last week.
Look, click on definitely confirmed.
So yeah, so Chris Cuomo, we talked about this.
I don't know if we talked about this actually.
Last week, what's the date there?
April 14th.
So last week, he leaves his house to go and check on this.
He's building a house in the Hamptons with all this awesome money.
And some guy on a fat tire bike said, hey, aren't you Chris Cuomo?
Shouldn't you be quarantined?
And he said, fuck you.
And then he was so mad that he couldn't fight the guy that he said, I'm going to get you one day.
And the guy went to the police and he was so mad he couldn't fight him that he said on his radio show or a radio interview that he's done with CNN saying ridiculous shit and he hates that he can't be himself and go fight the guy.
So he gave away that this happened and he was at the Hamptons.
Now, when you have this virus, as we learned from Andy Cohen when he was on Howard Stern, after you're done, even after you're done, you need another 10 days just to be super safe.
So he wasn't technically done at that point, and he went off to the Hamptons.
So that violates the rules.
And whether the rules are right or not is a whole other story.
So here's my theory.
You ready for this?
He never had it.
He lied to get attention, right?
What is your job about when you're doing a show like that?
It's about ratings.
How do you get ratings?
Get coronavirus.
Now you're part of the story.
Now you're in the news.
I'm part of the news cycle.
People should check out my show.
It's me being sick.
Oh, he has his hat on.
I don't have time to do my hair.
I'm too sick.
I can't comb my hair.
And then he slowly gets better and then he comes out of hiding and We have the official scene.
Meanwhile, everyone saw him in the Hamptons.
So, the other crazy part about this is if you do a lie like that, you got to start getting paranoid.
Maybe he smoked a joint or something, or he did adder all and he started overthinking it.
And he goes, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
This was a good move, right?
I'm getting a lot of attention.
But what if people find out like that fat tire thing?
That's becoming a big thing.
That shows that I never had it in the first place because I was either breaking the rules or full of shit.
What if I get fired?
I'm going to need a story.
Okay, I got it.
I'm going to say that I'm sick of CNN.
And then when they fire me, part of my negotiation will be, can I do the narrative?
And then the narrative will be, I just got tired of it.
Having the coronavirus really woke me up to what my priorities are.
And I don't like CNN.
So they're not dumping me.
I'm dumping them.
And CNN doesn't want a lawsuit.
They just want to wash their hair of it.
So they go, yeah, sure.
Because him lying about having the disease looks bad on them, too.
So they kind of like this plan B also.
That is my theory.
What do you think?
We'll soon find out.
No, actually we never will Also in politics Cardi B Was talking to Bernie Sanders?
I don't know how old this is.
It's pretty old.
You know, I'm just going to go with Joe Biden because I cannot see the next of America.
This is a woman that lots of people look up to and they want to hear about politics and the news from.
Wouldn't you love to see her have to read Moby Dick and provide a book report on it and what possible allegories could be derived from this story?
And she has to read it aloud.
I want to see her reading it out loud.
Can you imagine the words she'd get stuck on?
Like wail.
And then he fucking, the motherfucker shows up to a Wahali.
I don't know what the fuck a Wahali is.
I think, and I, and I don't know, you told me, I think we're going to enter like a recession.
You know, I'm thinking.
Yeah, the economy might start looking pretty bad at some point.
We might have the Dow Jones may possibly go down.
Maybe the price of oil will reach record lows at some point.
I don't know.
I think the economy is in peril.
Good guess, Cardi B. That might happen at some point.
Keep going, though.
Stop shuffling around.
Not see the next step of America being ran by number 45.
Like, I think, and I, and I don't know, you taught me, I think we're.
17 seconds.
It's a loop.
Oh, that's a loop?
I thought she said more shit.
Wait, play it again because she doesn't know what a recession is, and she doesn't know what another term is.
So she says, like, another thing with number 45.
And you know, I'm just going to go with Joe Biden because I cannot see the next step of America being ran by number 45.
The next step of America.
As you know, in politics, the president is allowed two steps of America.
They are four years each.
So ultimately, the two steps take eight years.
Also in the news, speaking of Biden, this is jumping to 33.
I'm almost not looking forward to the meme wars.
Like, say we invaded, all of our military invaded the Congo.
Can you imagine the carnage that would be?
It would just be like, the whole war would take like an afternoon.
And I think I would watch, no matter what the Congo did, say they did 9-11 and that was our retaliation, I'd still just sort of go, oh, God.
And that's what it's going to be like as Biden runs against Donald Trump.
Nobody in the world, literally, can fuck with him, can take him down.
He destroys world leaders, destroys entire continents like Europe, trivializes all of Europe like that.
And one of the weirdest people, even if it was my local bar and there was Joe Biden there, we'd all sort of, 100% of the people, like at the bar where we get our chicken sandwiches there, I won't say its name.
But even at that bar, if Joe Biden was a regular, we'd all be like, hey, man, hey, there's Joe.
And you'd dread sitting next to him.
If you show up at the bar and there's only one stool and it's next to Joe, you'd be like, fuck.
Hey, buddy.
How are you, man?
All right.
Hey, you know what?
This next one's on me.
Like, there's another guy at another bar who's like that with the thin little mustache, and he's special, the young Hispanic guy.
And we're all really nice to him.
And sometimes he smells bad.
You say, hey, man, you should probably have a shower or something.
He's part of the crew.
It's sort of like when we were kids, there'd always be one retard.
Every bar has one special guy, and that is Joe Biden.
So anyway, the idea of plucking that one special guy from your local bar and putting him up against a fucking tiger, well, you're just asking to become Carol Baskin's husband, which means destroyed.
Anyway, here's one meme of we're about to see a billion of these.
And it's almost too easy.
I've got hairy legs.
I love kids jumping on my legs.
I say vision softly creeping.
Wait, didn't I have another Biden?
Yeah, yeah.
So 3-4, what he's doing now is he says, hey, honey, can you come on with me?
And when I'm trying to think of that thing, whether it's the Constitution or all men are created equal, can you just sort of nudge me and help me?
Because you're really good at helping me remember things.
So why don't you sit next to me now and we can get through this together?
We gotta.
It's just, but you gotta, I mean, we gotta reassure.
Look, my, my.
Oh, oh, no.
I'm with Joe.
I saw this great meme too where it said, I think it was the Babylon B, which is really fucking good.
It's better than the onion.
And they said, Joe Biden welcomes the support of his old pal cornpop and it had obama's face you don't remember this but biden has like a four-hour story he did that same where he said i have hairy legs at that same thing he did this long story about a gangster named cornpop that he almost fought with a straight razor but he had a chain i like corn pop whoa what's going on with obama's hair he looks like a punk he's got a leopard skin hair dude that
Looks cool.
By the way, why does Anthony Cumia dye his hair?
Does he?
Oh, yeah, he soy sauces it.
I don't know.
I would love to have gray hair.
It's not a secret how old you are.
He's a silver fox.
Yeah, I'd love to have a Glenn Beck.
It's a good look.
I like corn pops and hair.
What was that?
Joe Biden.
That's not Joe Biden.
That's Owen Benjamin.
I'm trying.
Yeah, don't do impressions on this show that you haven't worked on.
I've worked on it a little bit.
You've worked on your Joe Biden?
Let's hear it again then.
Maybe I didn't get enough.
And let's see your face.
I like corn pops.
And I like hair.
See, the hair part loses it.
That was terrible.
No, he's got a thing.
He's kind of doing an Obama thing.
Now, American people, I'm Joe.
Yeah, he cuts off like the end of his...
What are you, Joe Dirt?
That was fucking pathetic.
I got hairy legs.
Yeah.
I got hairy legs.
And the kids would come up and they would say, Joe.
The Constitution says all men are created.
Then they...
You know the thing.
You know the thing.
It's just like George W. Bush where he goes, fool me once.
That's my bad.
Fool me twice.
Won't get fooled again.
And then the who come on stage.
Dan, Dan, Dan.
That would be funny.
Someone should put George W. Bush's...
To the CSI.
Yeah.
And when the chorus comes in, instead of, won't get fooled again.
It's George W. Bush going, won't get fooled again.
He won't fool me again.
Show this 3-1, this Obama thing he said, where he said, we have to endorse Joe Biden because it's not a fair fight.
Look at that.
The other side has a massive war chest.
The other side has a propaganda network with little regard for the truth.
So he's saying, we're up against Fox News, guys.
That's one network.
And Ted Cruz pointed out, Dems only have eight of the 10 richest American billionaires, including Bloomberg, Bezos, who owns the Washington Post, by the way, and uses it to shit on Trump, and the Google founders, plus Soros and Steyer.
And we've only got ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, Washington Post, New York Times, and just about every other newspaper in America.
How can we compete on money and podcasts?
propaganda the audacity that he said that the thing that always bothers me about Obama is I can't figure out if he's knowingly saying falsehoods because he knows they'll catch on or does he think that's true like does he honestly believe that the right is winning the propaganda wars because we have Fox News How can you think that?
Or when he said women get paid less than men.
That's such a quick Google.
I honestly don't have the answers.
Okay, final news on my political section.
Oh, God, he's so embarrassing.
What?
This happened.
Moist talking.
3-2.
This is pretty old news, but I thought it was interesting that one of the reasons given for Laura Loomer being banned from Facebook is that she is associated with dangerous persons.
For Miss Loomer, Facebook identified the fact that she'd appeared with Gavin McInnis and expressed support for Faith Goldie, who's on today's show, both of whom were previously banned from Facebook pursuant to the DIO Dangerous Individuals and Organizations policy as examples of Miss Loomer's conduct contributing to a removal under the DIO policy, the motion notes.
So Facebook, scroll down.
Why are you just sitting there?
Go down.
I think I'm in that article.
Like a picture of me.
Yeah, there we go.
I have that bar in my basement.
We got to build a new studio.
Yeah.
So because she appeared on my show, she is associating with dangerous individuals.
Not what she said on the show.
She could have been on the show saying, I hate you.
You're a white supremacist.
Black Lives Matter.
You're a cop lover.
Fuck you.
No, she's appeared with me.
So by those rights, Joe Rogan should go.
David Duke was on CNN.
CNN should go.
Richard Spencer was on ESPN.
ESPN has to go.
Is this what we do now?
When you speak to someone, you're associating with dangerous individuals.
So I think this is looking really good for her lawsuit.
And this for her candidacy.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, that was a good little retweet.
And she's only on censored.tv.
All right, enough politics.
Let's talk about something no one is talking about, which is this bizarre shooting that left 19 dead.
Now, there was a press conference about it yesterday.
I sent you this as a separate email that's pretty funny.
So we'll start light on something that's incredibly sad and disturbing.
Cut me out of it.
Maura Warbrington from Reuters.
Hi, I'm Jerry Gov. Can you hear me okay?
Yeah, we can hear you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Okay, that's enough.
Look how incompetent everyone else is.
I'm sorry.
I'm not bragging.
I'm not bragging.
But the RCMP can't even handle a Phone call.
They can't even handle a press conference.
They don't even know how to use Zoom.
But that was about this mass shooting that went on in Nova Scotia.
Rural Nova Scotia.
Now, it's hard to explain to Canadians how hokey, safe, non-violent, non-diverse rural Nova Scotia is.
Urban Nova Scotia is abandoned.
So when you get rural, I don't even know if doors have locks.
And the idea, the CBC saw you as a white male, so they're trying to push this like Nazi shit.
And they're saying that he's a white supremacist or something just because he's white.
But, okay, say you're the worst Nazi in the world.
You're not mad in rural Nova Scotia.
There's no Muslims, blacks, Jews.
There's no one up there but Normis.
So why would you go on a rampage?
I don't have the answers for this, but Faith Goldie19 wrote a good article about this.
And she said it, I can't figure this out, but she goes, the Nova Scotia shooting occurred on April 19th, anniversary to several other notable massacres.
This is 1.9, Ryan.
1.9.
Yep.
Oh, it's misnumbered.
Mine starts with 2.8.
It's between 3.9 and 4.0.
Oh, actually, the link is 4.0.
Sorry, I've said 1.9.
It's 19 dead.
Gotcha.
It's 4.0.
So the Nova Scotia shooting happened on April 19th.
It's an anniversary of the Oklahoma bombing in 1995 and the Waco siege in 1993.
And it's just one day before the Columbine High School shooting.
That's kind of weird, too.
Go up a bit.
That's the guy.
He looks like a chick.
No, that's him there, but he's also, that's a picture of him in the yearbook.
And we don't know anything about this.
So Faith always knows these things.
Let's go to her for the answers.
Let's go.
Faith, are you there?
I'm here, Gavin.
How are you?
I'm good.
What the fuck is going on?
I don't understand.
In Nova Scotia or just the world generally is my question.
Well, that's a bit too big of a bite, but let's just nibble on Nova Scotia.
The biggest slaughter in Canadian history.
he must have spent months making that fake cop car because it looks perfect.
And then he goes, I understand that there's some disgruntled ex in there.
Yeah, you kill your ex-wife.
We all do.
But then just randomly shooting people for 62 miles?
This is the most confusing thing.
And the biggest confusion is the fact this guy doesn't seem to fit your usual mass shooter profile.
51-year-old white guy by the name of Gabriel, aka Gabe Wortman, a denturist, which is a type of dentist.
They make dentures for a living in the most rural, the most smallest of small towns in Nova Scotia.
Now, I know you know what that is, Gavin, but for your audience, we're talking about, you know, the rural sticks of Canada, so to speak.
These are people who live in towns who all know each other.
They've known each other for generations.
And this is where, you know, you're more likely to have your neighbors bake you a pie than set your house on fire.
That's for darn sure.
So what happened was this weekend, Buddy goes into a rampage just before midnight on Saturday night and proceeds for the next 12 hours dressed up in an RCMP uniform.
We don't know if it was a real or a fake uniform because, well, he was killed and police have only told us so much about the specifics, let alone the motives.
And he's got, I believe, two different mock-up cruisers, i.e., from my understanding from the press conferences and the news circulating, these were cop cars that had been retired that he purchased.
And then usually they take the decals off, that sort of stuff, he had remade them as you would, you know, like toy soldiers or whatever to look like the authentic stuff.
And so he basically goes on this murderous tirade for over 12 hours.
He begins by killing his ex, either wife or girlfriend, her new lover.
And he's, there's 16 crime scenes in about 100 kilometers, about 16 miles of stretch of Nova Scotia, where 16 crime scenes, six houses have been burnt down.
And the reason why the death toll keeps on rising, we're at about 19 right now, is because six of those crime scenes were burnt down houses, including his own.
And so they keep on finding more and more remains of people in there.
And Gavin, what's getting the most about this story, besides the lack of motive that's being expressed to us, which I'm sure we'll get to in a second, is the stories of the people who have been killed.
Gavin, these people are just average kind of Joe Six Packs or local heroes, nurses, you know, RCMP officers, junior school teachers that have been killed seemingly, seemingly rather, indiscriminately.
And in one case, at least we know about he executed parents in front of their children.
So this is beyond horrific.
This is beyond a lasting impact on a community.
It's definitely sent shockwaves through the country.
Am I greedy to want to know the motive immediately?
This is where I start to get conspiratorial.
We have digital footprints of everyone.
We always know motives right away.
And then there's these strange cases, like Vegas still boggles the mind.
We know nothing about Vegas.
And remember that mosque shooting from a few years ago that you went and investigated?
And I distinctly remember there was a brown person, I think he was a Muslim, and the white kid.
They both were involved in the shooting.
And then he just vanished from the picture.
And it was one white kid.
Well, I can't talk about that anymore because last time I did, I was dubbed a, you know, conspiracy theorist across the entire country for daring to report the facts as they emerged, even though, of course, they're incredibly fluid situations with an active shooter situation or, you know, one of these mass murders.
But no, it's not greedy to want to know the motive.
In today's day and age, we're used to people having at least some sort of social media or at least some sort of written manifesto, even if it's a damn page for us to know why the hell you would go in the middle of a quarantine and a pandemic as A well-educated, white-collared, white-skinned boomer male, and go start shooting indiscriminately in a small town in rural Canada.
I don't think that that's selfish or greedy whatsoever.
It's what's expected.
And because of the lack of motive, it leads people to go down conspiracy alley and start to say, Is this some sort of MK Ultra?
We don't know, like plot to take away our guns.
We all know Trudeau wants to come for our guns.
And unironically, he does want to come for our guns.
And you will see him start to make gestures and overtures to essentially opportunize, be opportunistic rather, about this situation.
Look, it's either the guy had a mental illness that we don't know about still.
He is going to be fashioned to be a right-wing conspiracy nutjob, which you're already seeing media and politicians starting to do because wait for it, Gavin.
The guy flew an American flag outside of his house.
Therefore, as the Saskatchewan Herald put it, the guy is a Caucasian terrorist, a white wing Caucasian terrorist, because he flew the national flag of our ally and neighbor.
So, I mean, I shouldn't be laughing about it, but I mean, it's quite the leak.
If I were to say something remotely similar to that, just the inverse, people would call me a looney tune.
So mental illness, right-wing conspiracy not, which is what we're seeing them push for right now.
One possibility that I would explore, Gavin, as simple and perhaps, you know, low IQ as it sounds, did the guy just go postal during quarantine?
Is this a pandemic lockdown pushing some people who might have had predispositions to various sorts of neuroses, et cetera, to go over the edge and live out some sort of psychotic evil fantasies?
Because we know that at times of recession, et cetera, et cetera, things like violent crimes, things like homicides, like suicides all start to spike.
And so there is no doubt going to be more violent crime.
And is this just, I don't want to say a statistic, but is this just a bellwether of things to come?
So certainly a lot of questions, but with the lack of the information to be given by the RCMP or authorities, you can't blame people for starting to get conspiratorial.
If there's no they're there, then let us know at least where you're at as opposed to being completely mum on it as if the motive doesn't matter because people will start to input their own agenda.
Yeah, I had it like my conspiracy for a while was that someone was trying to make guns more illegal in Canada, if that's possible.
Because it worked in New Zealand, right?
I don't know if that was what the guy was going for, but he wanted there to be a gun crackdown so there'd be a revolution.
They just got the gun crackdown part.
But the idea that they'd, what, train this super soldier into being a mass killer just to make guns look bad, that seems absurd.
I like your theory much better that pandemics and forced quarantine has consequences.
And the left wants this to go till August.
Yeah, we're going to see more.
Top scientists.
Yes, top scientists are saying till 2021.
Justin Trudeau keeps on kicking in the can, you know, and it's kind of hilarious because we've got these media people who are telling us, you know, stay inside and it saves lives.
Meanwhile, they're exempt from staying inside.
We've got politicians who are slowly starting to return to parliament in my country of Canada.
We're saying staying inside, it saves lives.
Meanwhile, what about normal people who have to pay bills, pay for their cars, pay for their houses, just do simple things like get milk for their kids?
And it's become this whole situation.
And look, maybe the guy was, and I'm not excusing, I'm trying to find a motive, which is something that any natural person, especially someone who works in media, would be doing right now.
Maybe he had this ex and the ex had a new lover and he was there quarantined by himself.
And it just started to make him crazy that she was with this guy and he was by himself.
And, you know, he's looking around.
He says, I've got this cruiser.
I've got these, this uniform.
I've got these firearms.
Let's have at her.
And so.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That makes sense until we go back and we went, it takes months to make a fake cop car and get all the decals correct.
Totally, which suggests that it's not any sort of mental illness or a mental break, unless it was just a matter of happenstance.
You know, like you could have a legally acquired firearm and then snap and then use something that was supposed to be for other purposes, for bad purposes.
And I would argue maybe he did.
Again, I don't know.
I'm not a crime psychologist.
All I know is from the sources I have talked to from cops, from people who are shoe leather journalists, who have very good relations with cops, is that everything right now is gossip.
The only sort of indication we have of any sort of motive is this damn American flag that was flying outside of his house.
Besides that, the guy, you know, is a serial arsonist.
We don't even know how many people were really shot versus how many people were burned alive inside their homes.
Don't forget the vast majority of this murder spree happened between midnight and 12 p.m. the next day.
So most people were getting burned alive and shot in the middle of the night.
And also, what happened to the Canadian police response?
Why did it take 12 hours in a rural town to find a guy who was driving in a very specific type of car?
I understand that perhaps his victims would have found it hard to discern him from the real guys, but the real guys should have been able to figure out who it was.
And I'm sorry I don't have more answers for you, Gavin, but we as a Canadian people don't have any answers right now.
So all I've got are a million different questions firing on all cylinders.
And I want to know answers before our politicians and liberal do-gooders start to find solutions to problems that don't exist, i.e.
more gun control in a country that is already completely, you know, slapped and up.
We've got gun control up our rear ends, okay?
So we don't need any more gun control.
What we do need to know is this guy's motive.
Faith, you did a great job with that mosque shooting.
You were the only one to discover that something was up with that.
And I had you on this show to explain what happened with that shooting.
You provided no information.
Now we have more questions than when we started.
You've been a complete disappointment.
You let me down.
You let my viewers down.
And you let North America down.
You let all of Canada down and all of America down.
What's that?
370 million people.
That's the worst.
That's more of a catastrophe.
You want a job for the Toronto Star?
That sounds like a real Toronto Star byline for Faith Goldie.
Yeah.
I just wrote an article for the Toronto Star about Faith Goldie.
You're welcome, journalists.
Okay, God bless you, Gavin.
Thanks for coming on.
My pleasure.
My pleasure.
You know who Faith reminds me of?
Chloe Sevigny.
Christopher Hitchens says this, and it's a good segue into what we were going to talk about next.
Being funny and appreciating humor are not the same thing.
And Chloe Sevenye, I've hung out with her a bunch.
We were, I would call us friends.
She isn't funny per se, but she totally gets jokes and has a very highbrow understanding of comedy and laughs at all the right stuff.
And faith is the same way.
But speaking of women being funny, I was reminded of Hitchens 3.7.
Remember he wrote that article in Vanity Fair about how women aren't funny?
And they wrote a terrible rebuttal?
An immodest rebuttal.
Wow, that was already 2008?
It seems like yesterday.
That was the year I left Vice.
Yeah, so after he wrote this article, there's obviously an incredible amount of backlash.
So they had a woman or funny front page that had the seven funny women in the world.
In a world where 50% of the population is female, one man had the audacity to write an article titled, Why Women Aren't Funny.
Now, Sarah Silverman, Tina Faye, Amy Bullert, and writer Alessandra Stanley are striking back.
Who the fuck's Alessandra Stanley?
She must have written the article.
Think again.
There's only a dispute about what the answer is.
There is no question that for women, the need or ability to be funny is tremendously less than it is among men.
Nobody has been found to deny that.
Alessandra doesn't even try to deny it.
If you were to ask me, has reading her article made me reconsider my view that women aren't, as a gender, funny, I would say very much to the contrary.
She's been unable to write this piece without direct reference to the exceptions I made as well as the examples that I gave.
And she even at one point echoes what I think is my strongest point, namely that women don't need to be funny.
That for most men, if they can't make women laugh, they are out of the evolutionary contest.
They are never going to get laid.
Most men are fantastically unattractive.
what women see in them is mysterious to most men as well as most women.
If you can't make a laugh That's enough.
So smooth.
He reminds me of Maker's Mark on the Rocks.
Like, you just feel good.
Strong but smooth.
And what a cruel punishment God gave him, esophagal cancer.
So you took away the one thing that he's best at, talking.
So after that came out, and right before Chick Ghostbusters came out, a guy named Paul Fagg did an article for the Telegraph called Men Aren't Funny.
Women are funnier than men.
For example, here's a big fat bitch who fell off a scooter.
Here's Melissa McCarthy doing slapstick.
Melissa McCarthy is pretty funny.
Nice website, by the way, guys.
This is their site.
I think you may want to be a little more subtle with your links to your various social media.
Anyway, so this is Paul Figg.
He's the guy who did the female Ghostbusters, which flopped, and which, by the way, they blamed on sexism.
That's why.
Same with Charlie's Angels that we watched.
Charlie's Angels with the Asian chick didn't exist according to their logic because they said Charlie's Angels bomb because of sexism.
Meanwhile, there's already been a Charlie's Angels with Drew Barrymore that made a fortune.
Anyway, that was for another episode, but this is Paul Fagg.
My closest friends have always been women, and my best friends growing up were girls.
I'm a very feminized guy, I guess.
I find the female sense of humor much funnier than male humor because it's less aggressive, and I find it supportive and fun.
He's not gay, if you can imagine that.
Anyway, he went on to make one of the worst movies ever, which was so, even the concept was stupid.
Anyone who's seen the way a woman reacts to a spider in the bathtub, had a lot of trouble with them walking through Times Square.
Fighting was essentially hell.
I mean, all of these demons coming up from the ground, if that's not hell, I don't know what is.
So if they can't handle a spider, they can likely not handle Satan.
Anyway, this reminds me of a pattern I've been noticing that I mentioned earlier about the prevalence of gross-out comedy when females do stand up.
It's downright disturbing, and I'd like to give you five examples, if I may.
Hi.
Hi, and welcome to Come Tits, the show where we explore female comedy.
As you know, women tend not to be funny.
Women are not as funny as men, and Hitchens pointed it out beautifully where he explained they don't have to be.
So there are, of course, funny women, plenty of funny women, dozens and dozens of funny women in a population of 331 million.
But for some reason, Netflix and comedy clubs feel compelled to get the number up from, let's say, one in 500 to 50%.
And that means that you essentially have affirmative action in comedy.
So what do women do when they're in over their heads?
They use crutches.
And the best crutch for a woman appears to be being fucking disgusting.
This works because I guess it shocks people.
And it's just a bunch of women being gross.
So now, because we forced women to be equally represented in comedy and they need a crutch, the easiest crutch seems to be shock jock shit, where they say, I ate shit and come and then poured it on my period and then threw it at a dead baby.
And so you're just watching these women get on stage and defile themselves and be gross.
And you're just like, ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, come tits.
Let's just do five examples, shall we?
And we're starting with Molly Austin.
What has she got to say?
The funniest part about being an adult who now bleeds on a regular basis is anytime I hear a man say, Ugh, periods are gross.
Because it's like you were almost a period.
Do you understand?
Just pause.
Do men really say periods are gross?
I mean, I don't want to hear about it all the time.
It is discharge.
But what is she rising up against?
This constant nagging that we give when we...
I don't think I've ever said periods are gross.
Understand that?
Do you want to think of me before you go to bed, okay?
Do you understand how close you were to being that?
You're exactly one sperm away from being that soaking wet tampon you're so afraid of.
I'm not afraid of them.
And you're never going to have kids.
Fuck you.
You know what I've never done with my period?
I've never not once caught it in a gym sock and left it on the ground for two weeks.
I've never shot my period off into somebody's belly button, okay?
Periods are gonna.
Our periods are so fucking fresh and so tidy, comparatively speaking.
All that we do to keep it sopped up and hidden from you, but there's no, there's no.
All right, that's enough.
That's enough.
All right, so that was Molly Austin telling us that cum is grosser than period blood.
That's her joke.
Like, you compare that to Louis C.K. going off at a tangent about little shops and how he wishes he was meaner and he wants to just tell the woman who runs a little shop, I hate all this shit.
You should kill yourself.
He says he wish he could be that mean.
That's funny.
That's not a crutch.
But when you're out there on stage and over your head, you have to go, um, to fill time and then talk about period come.
All right.
Next, we have Logan Gunselman.
And let's see if she can stray from this subject and actually deliver some witty repertoire.
Hooking up with a guy, and I couldn't tell if we were just hooking up or if we were moving towards a relationship.
Pretty nerve-wracking.
And then on a random two things they talk about all the time is I'm ugly, I'm lonely, I'm a cat lady, which is usually true.
And then relationships, relationships, relationships.
I just started dating this guy, blah, blah, blah.
But those are not as common of a crutch as the gross out.
Saturday, he invited me over at around 7 p.m.
Which is a weird time.
That's amazing.
Because I was like, am I going to go over?
We're going to bang it out.
He's going to have me leave.
He's going to go about his night.
I'm going to feel used, you know?
Nice life.
Let me start hooking up.
Just pause.
This is another thing I've known.
Nikki Glazer, who is one of the funny women out there, one of the few.
But even her, she's talking about getting face fucked and stuff and how it makes her gag.
And you're just like, wow, you are being constantly used by men as a colostomy bag for their semen.
This is sad.
So she's out there joking, like, I'm such a loser.
And I keep getting dumped.
And men call me at three in the morning.
And you're just, as a dad, you're just watching it going, oh, you poor sweet thing.
That's really, really sad.
Things are getting pretty hot and heavy.
And he leans in and he whispers, I'm going to fuck you all night.
And I thought, oh, good, I'm going to be here all night.
I'm not a kid.
Like, I think I just came from sheer relief.
You guys.
So sad.
He was like, baby, you're going to be so full of my cum, you won't be hungry for breakfast tomorrow.
And I was like, we're getting breakfast.
That's really fat, lonely woman in the front row laughing.
Yeah, you guys seem warmed up enough, so I'm going to talk about my period now.
Okay.
All right, that's enough.
That wasn't even the clip that I meant to do.
Her previous conversation point was who got cum on the rumba.
You know, those, I hate robots, those irritating vacuums.
So some, one of her boyfriend's roommates got cum on it, and she talked for about five minutes about who got cum on the rumba.
Okay, let's move on to number three.
We have Rachel Mack.
She's probably got some fun advice about all kinds of weird stuff you never thought of before.
Hello.
I am Rachel Mack.
I lost my virginity when I was 25.
And after it happened, I was like, hmm, could have waited longer.
It was fine, not mind-blowing.
And I still made mistakes as a 25-year-old grown woman.
I had a man over to my apartment once and I said, would you like a drink?
And he said, Negatron.
And I still f ⁇ ed him.
After he said, if you ever got Prego, would you get an aborti?
And I was like, I'm going to get one tonight, you know?
It's a particular type of woman.
I understand that other people would think they're just watching a comedian do stand-up.
But when I see these women, you know, laid out on the stage, farmed up there like cattle, I just see this sad merry-go-round of lonely, abandoned women who left the whole concept of traditionalism and marriage and embraced what?
This is the problem with Smash the Patriarchy.
I'm all for it if you have something better.
But you don't.
All you have is loneliness.
You replaced a loving relationship with cats.
What the fuck have you done?
All right.
Let's move on to Amy Silverberg.
She's got, now, this is weird, and I'll get back to this when I get back to the studio, but she teaches writing for a living, and all she's done is written a few articles on some blogs no one's ever heard of.
And that gets you a gig teaching.
the affirmative action women live in is way beyond a normal way to live your life.
I mean, they keep saying women's rights are human rights.
You have too many rights.
You have more rights.
You get to teach people something that you don't even do.
Anyway, let's see her do comedy as she talks about teaching.
That's my day job.
I teach.
I teach intro to writing at USC.
Never written the note that nobody here is affiliated with USC.
If you are, keep everything I say a secret.
I had one of the star football players in my class.
I told the class they could write a story about anything.
He wrote a story about wanting to fuck his teacher.
Honestly, very nice.
My name's Amy Silverberg.
In that story, the teacher's name was Jamie Goldstein.
This goes on and on and on, by the way.
She talks about it.
You know what this is like?
This is like we were having some sort of important meeting and it was all these talented people who were really good at their thing.
And then someone went, what's she doing here?
You don't do anything.
You've never even, you're teaching writing.
You've never written before.
This is a writer's meeting.
And she went, look at my tits.
I have my tits.
You want to see tits?
And you went, oh, okay, those are kind of neat.
All these comedians are doing is just standing there holding up their skirt and going, you want to see a pussy?
Pussy.
I got fucked.
Come.
Period blood.
Some guy wanted to fuck me.
Some guy came and then he said Prego.
And I fucked him when I was 25.
I never had sex and sex, sex, and me naked and common jizz and period blood.
Can I stay on the stage now?
All right, let's jump to number five.
This is a final one.
Jenny, what's her name?
Zagrino.
Oh, this is going to be a lot of gross stuff because she is a lot of gross stuff.
I don't like stereotypes, right?
I hate this concept of big dick energy.
Now we're picturing a huge penis going in her.
Talking about.
And I'll tell you why I don't like it because it's not real, okay?
I've met people with big dicks.
They are weird, quiet, never make eye contact.
That is every person with a big dick, okay?
What you have is medium penis power at best.
Did you catch that?
So her stand-up comedy is I've had tons of dicks.
You know what this reminds me of?
What's that site where you can go and you give women money?
Fans, fans only or something, or only for fans?
It's like a webcam type thing.
And we've told women that they're incredibly valuable and we need them and they rock and they don't have to make babies.
They're badass.
And what do they do with this freedom?
They have men pay them and they just flash their fucking tits.
That's prostitution.
All these women talk about how they're going to kick ass and take names and if there's a revolution, they're going to be on the front lines like they are in the movies, all sweaty with like a headband and a gun.
And what do they do?
They prostitute themselves.
That's what all of this comedy is.
It's prostitution.
And it's not funny.
It's sad.
She's really evolved since Moo last year.
You said you saw her nipples in a shot?
Oh, I just saw them there.
Yeah, how could they just...
She looks so fucking different without makeup.
It's shocking.
She's gross.
If they're the darlings of the pop, whatever mainstream, they'll let them get away with pretty much anything.
She's black, by the way.
Oh, no.
I heard a funny black comedian in the car the other day saying, people always say that black dudes are only into white women.
That's bullshit.
Everyone's into white women.
And then he said, no, I'm just kidding.
They don't have to be white women.
They just have to look like white women.
And he goes, I'm talking to you, Nicki Minaj and Beyonce and apparently Doja Cat.
Like they talk about cultural appropriation.
You're in whiteface with your blonde wig.
Beyonce likes to say she's mixed race and she's, oh, I'm everything.
I'm Navajo.
No, you're black.
And you make yourself look white, spending $5,000 stitching white women's hair into your afro.
By the way, in that little thing, I couldn't remember the name OnlyFans.
Do you want to go to that?
And show the meme, too, I sent you.
Hey, where was I?
Oh, that's in the email.
Yeah.
This is the meme I was kind of referring to.
It's so telling.
So start at the bottom.
Blake Montgomery, who's a raging homo, who I think he, I hope I have the right guy.
I think he works at Huffbow.
He called me once and he was so gay.
He's like, hey, do you have any comments on like what's going on with Proud Blas?
And I go, are you gay per chance?
I don't see how that's relevant.
He was James Charles through the roof.
OnlyFans reporting 3.5 million new signups in March, 60,000 of them new creators per an email from the company.
In the first two weeks of March alone, that was a 75% increase from the normal level.
And then they say, what women think they'll do when the economy collapses versus what they'll actually do?
OnlyFans is prostitution.
If you're a father and your daughter has an OnlyFans account, you have failed.
You have failed worse than a stripper.
This is worse than stripping.
Yeah, there's not even any exercise involved.
And there's no bones about what it is.
Stephen King is not on OnlyFans.
That's why there's a picture of a girl in knee high socks on the homepage.
I could wear knee-high socks.
No, you can't, Stephen.
Also relevant to that video we just showed, check out 3.6.
This is a woman who teaches writing.
Introduction to writing.
And I don't have any books to show you, but I did write an article for Juxtapose, no, Juxtaprose magazine, which is a play on the art magazine Juxtapose.
Never heard of it.
This is a parody of an actual magazine.
For Dark Arts, I'm sure you're very familiar with that.
Do you know I Spy?
Are you familiar?
I was in a Roxanne Gay book of short stories.
The title is Dark Arts.
It's in Wig Leaf, which I'm sure you're familiar with.
Of course I am.
I haven't heard of any of these magazines.
The Texas Review?
The fuck is that?
Keep going.
This is her cannon.
This is a teacher.
Are we perhaps being a little too generous to the fair sex here?
I was in Split Lit Magazine, which I assume is a female roller derby magazine.
Sounds like stuff that like Stefan, you know, the character.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wrote in Stiff Lit Magazine.
Pathetic.
New South Los Angeles Review.
All right, I think we're done.
This has been a hell of a show.
Yes.
And of course, when I say done, don't worry.
I know you get separation anxiety, but we'll go to the mailbag.
We're not going to leave you alone here.
Let me slide over while Ryan gets the song.
Let me touch it.
What's this?
Sorry to not.
This isn't a letter, but it's on my screen.
Look up Doja Cat Taiga, T-Y-G-A.
It's amazing the makeup and the primping and the preening and the false eyelashes and the wigs we do to these women.
I saw a picture of Kylie Jenner yesterday without makeup.
She's a five.
But they draw like they airbrush on a face.
This woman, by the way, is a pretty unattractive black chick.
She keep that booty booty, she keep that blonde, yeah, that natural beauty, beauty, yeah.
Here's a song about my mediocre body.
Which I can't show you, so I have to put cherries on it.
Feels like I just lost at a slot machine.
Actually, that is a pretty fantastic ass.
Whoops.
Whoops.
Okay, that's enough.
Sound your favorite performer, Doja Cat.
You don't like it?
You're not in?
Nothing about it.
Okay.
That makes me like it.
I'm a hater.
That makes me like it more.
Archive mail bag.
What's up, G-Dog and Rye Guy?
Here is, I believe, the best use of the Mikey audio.
And then he signs out by saying he'd like to rot.
He'd let me ride on your ding-dong as a friend.
Says Charlie.
Charlie!
He doesn't want to.
Do fucking tell him.
Party fucking told him.
Don't tell him again.
He fucking said no.
We'll make him say yes.
He didn't.
That's brilliant.
Fucking quality.
Oh my God.
It must be so rough working in retail.
Sign up for a red card.
I've never done it.
I've owned stores, but I've never done it.
Jenna.
Hey, Gav, thanks for reading my letter yesterday.
Don't feel like you have to read this on air, but I just want to answer your question about whether or not women like it when you talk about hot chicks.
Personally, I love the rating apps.
They're hilarious, and I now appreciate flaws and find supermodels super boring.
By the way, I think you need to liberate the one.
Just like 975-year-old tattered hags, burned victims, aren't invited to play the game.
No disrespect.
From now on, Tarana Burke is a one.
I've never been professionally rated, so I'm attaching a few pics.
I like you and Ryan.
I hate when women send these pics because then I have to be mean.
But I will take you to heart, lady.
As of today, Tarana Burke has officially moved down to one.
If any woman is a one, it's Tarana Burke.
That's right.
Do we want to reference?
Sure.
Founder of the Me Too movement.
Founder.
Who gets up there on a podium.
We are sick of being sex objects.
Shows her arm around Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa and I are not just gorgeous hot chicks.
We're human beings.
Stop constantly beating off looking at pictures of us.
Right, Alyssa?
Uh, yeah, yes.
Hot chicks like me and Alyssa are tired of the constant objectification.
Yes, we're gorgeous.
Yes, we're perfect.
Yes, we could easily do porn and make millions of dollars.
But we don't want to.
Listen to what we say.
Not just these tits or these tits or this amazing face or this skin or Alyssa's skin.
God.
Fuck.
Stop staring at how hot I am in my gun and my fucking pockmark skin and my nose that's bigger than a Star Wars character.
Yes, I drink at the cantina.
Yes, Frodo shot first.
Greedo.
Greedo?
Yes.
Okay, let's go back to these pics of her.
I like her.
It's my type, too.
I like her.
There's two types of girls in the world.
There's Lonnie Anderson in WKRP, and then there's Bailey in WKRP.
I'm a Bailey boy.
The Bailey Boys.
Wouldn't it be funny if we called the Proud Boys the Bailey Boys?
Yeah.
And there'd be all these white supremacist hate group, the Bailey Boys, named after a brunette in this show, WKRP.
Well, it's just as dumb.
Proud Boys comes from Aladdin.
Yes.
I'm going to say 7.4?
7.5?
What do you say, Ryan?
No one likes your ratings, by the way.
Well, you know what?
Instead of providing a rating, I'm going to assume yours from now on because you are the master and what you say is death.
And also, remember, she's sending you like dirty pictures, not dirty pictures, but like just some iPhone thing.
And when we look at these other pictures, it's some chick At the Academy Awards, who spent six hours preparing for that photo.
If you were married to Kylie Jenner, you'd be pretty bummed when it all fell off.
But this girl, you see what you're getting on a Thursday afternoon, and it's pretty great.
They're just going to the beach, man.
This is from Seth.
When that chick on the AMA used you being a punk rock libertine in your past to discredit your Catholic family values, isn't that going against the core Catholic belief of redemption and forgiveness?
What makes Catholicism the most libertarian religion?
No, that's what makes Catholicism the most libertarian religion.
They get a lot of flack for trying to convert gays like 50 years ago, but at least they weren't throwing them off roofs.
Is it roofs or roofs?
Roofs, I think.
Leonard Cohen said, all men will be sailors until the sea shall free them.
Basically meaning people who live an unholy life, in the biblical sense, can still be freed by God, like you.
That's why born-again Christians aren't shunned by the church, but welcomed with open arms, like Lady Saw.
Striving for a perfect population that has aligned their life with the teachings of God without any felts is fascist.
Maybe one day the right can all come together and fuck with our heels on.
That's why I always said it's okay to call homosexuality a sin and have gay friends and tell gays to their face.
Like Milo, homosexuality is a sin.
He'll go, yeah.
He'll say it out loud.
Alcoholism is a sin.
I'm an alcoholic.
I sin on a regular basis.
It's bad.
I should do it less.
Same with homosexuality.
Well, that was another joke stolen from me.
What's that?
I had said on a very public forum, and I gotten shit for this, so I know it got around.
I said, you should probably consult the gays before you say it's not a sin.
And you normalize it with marriage.
I think a lot of them like that it's nasty.
Like, it might make the sex hotter to know you're doing a bad thing.
As soon as you say, gay dads are cool, sex homos are awesome, then they're in the alleyway just like, oh, fuck, this is totally acceptable.
Oh, why'd you pull that up?
Thank you.
It's like when I saw this white woman with a black guy the other day, and she's walking hand in hand.
That's a whole other story.
You got a problem?
And then Louis C.K. on his special goes, maybe they like that it's a sin.
Maybe they make the sex hotter.
Don't go digging those up, but.
Don't go digging those up.
Niggas stealing my jokes and shit.
Hi, Gab Ryan, Western Canadian fan, who's a documentary I was shown in elementary school.
It's a study of spiders' behavioral challenges when introduced to alcohol, weed, etc.
Hope you enjoy faggots.
This is older than both of us.
Nope.
I watched Hinterland Who's Who on a regular basis as a kid.
I remember this.
Scientists gave these tiny creatures a variety of psychoactive drugs to observe their effects.
We used to joke about Hinterland Who's Who and talk about the Arctic beaver owl.
Not very good, my friend.
When given caffeine, the web structure was not affected, but the spider's behavior was.
Holy chill out.
Given THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, the spider didn't build a web.
Dude, two dabs maximum.
Where it lay all day and watched the caffeine spider go.
Is that true?
I believe.
I used to believe this.
Dude, you're totally overdosing them.
Take it easy with that Q-tip.
Oh, fuck you.
Until they go to KeyMPL levels.
I believed it.
This is about the Discord.
Hello, Gavin and Ryan.
I watch your Discord mailbag, and unfortunately, I think you need to distance yourself from them.
The people in charge over there don't like you.
I've been there, and it's not very welcoming of your quote-unquote fans.
Forgot the word you call people who like you.
I like you almost as a friend, and don't fuck any heels with sunglasses on.
Yeah, it's pretty clear that I was not welcome in that fucking place.
But it's fun to fight every once in a while.
I was watching this clip about Georgia loosening up their social distancing restrictions, and at the 20-second mark, a reporter gives a full update with a mask on.
What does he think?
Some air is going to waft over to his nose while he gives a 15-second debate?
Just another example of media irresponsibility and their insistence on trying to freak people out.
clearly six feet from someone.
This is ridiculous.
It's just a fashion accoutrement.
Bah.
Bah.
This is Sarah Sahi.
I don't know who Ry Gai was looking up.
And yes, she was another miss.
And then he sends pictures of her.
Yeah, I'm getting kind of sick of this standard beauty shit.
I think we've let our viewers down by saying, hey, we found a picture of young Angelina Jolie.
She's very pretty.
News alert.
Let Zeppelin rocks.
Coming in number two, Motley Crew.
Hey, I had a, if you really want some good steak, go to a steakhouse where they're like $100 and you'll find it's really yummy.
Yeah, it's like the opposite of Diners, Driving, and Dives.
Hey, guys, you should try getting a blowjob.
It feels really good.
Also in the news.
Our show is for aliens who just got here and want to assimilate me.
Like aliens from a different planet.
Last night's Discord was definitely some red meat for your fans.
Do you ever get any offers to make appearances on any mainstream shows since you parted ways with Fox?
No.
As you saw from the Laura Loomer lawsuit, simply having me in your presence tarnishes you for life.
Wait, what?
Would you go back on a mainstream TV show if given the opportunity?
Sure.
I'm guessing that you would say no to Fox.
Eh, probably.
How about Newsmax or even a liberal news network.
By the way, here's a link from the Detroit News, one of two mainstream papers in Detroit, that also dispels the myth that the Michigan protests block ambulances from getting to the hospital.
Yeah, someone sent me a map.
Are you there yet?
Oh.
Someone sent me a map.
I'll just forward it to you.
They sent it to my personal email.
Please don't send stuff to my personal email.
It gets lost and it won't be included in the mailbag.
But it's a map that shows that the convoy didn't go near Sparrow Hospital.
Is that true?
And all these nurses who came out to stop the convoy.
Shouldn't you be in there working if you're so valuable?
I'm saving a lot of my criticism of nurses for after this is over, but Jesus Christ.
They're kind of a big fat pain in the ass sometimes.
You're looking for that map, right?
Yeah, I sent it to you.
Oh, cool.
Now, we don't know if this is true.
This is not verified.
This is not...
It's mostly theories, and we just air the information we get.
But this is what I was sent as the route of that Michigan protest.
And there's Sparrow Hospital many blocks away.
So does that mean the nurse who came out was a vet?
You're stopping us from putting down sick beagles.
Sick beagles are playing at Mercury Lounge, by the way, on Thursday, if you want to check them out.
Great band, you know.
All right, I say, Tom.
Here's a lovely young lady from the gospel movies on Netflix.
I like the traditional garb.
We know what she's got under there.
We know.
Yours in Christ, Tom, head custodonian.
P.S. Love when foreigners talk with their hands like that.
Yes, ma'am.
All right, what do we got here?
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.
He answered, anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.
And if she divorces her husband, we're kind of going down an Eva Mendez rut here, guys.
Enough with the bird noses.
Just like that guy actor.
Yeah, let's get a little too handsome with our choices here, boys.
I wish I knew.
Let's have some cuteness.
Is it more wrong for him to be looking at her lustfully?
It's in a gospel movie, or for me to say she's not attractive?
What's worse?
Wait, what's the question?
Is it worse for him to have pointed out how she's attractive, or for me to insist that she's not?
And this is from a religious story.
I don't know.
She's not Jesus, dude.
Yeah, that's true.
This is from Justin.
All right, gays.
Hope you're staying well.
Having, after your comment on Robert Denning Jr. and Dr. Doodle and his awful attempt of our Welsh accent, can we get Ryan to try it without sounding like a bit of a packy?
Thanks.
I want to fuck you with my mask on.
I never hear you talk about Piers Morgan.
We get him here most mornings and he has 7.2 million followers.
What's your take on him?
Sometimes he's funny, but the gun shit really pissed me off.
And he's not in my accent.
What's the curran?
Look at her face.
Is that from speaking it so much?
Yeah, this is like in Scotland they talk about sham gabot.
What is that?
The face that you have after you speak?
They'll say guy means very and they'll go, oh, he's guy scotch.
He's got sham gabbat.
Which is like a sign of you're so Scottish that it's fucked up your face.
So you're like, you're right there, pal.
Oh, see you people.
I'm just too good for you.
I've seen that.
There's a guy from Sons of Anarchy that has that.
Go, go, go.
Well, that's Welsh.
I'll learn it later.
Yeah.
What's the Kuran?
What's a Kuran?
It's like the best Welsh accent, the most pleasing one is The Trip with Steve Coogan and that other little man.
It's a shame that nobody remembers his name.
Oh, everyone in Britain does.
He's probably more popular than Steve Coogan.
What's he name?
There's a great show in Britain called Gavin and Stacy about an Englishman who Gavin who falls in love with a Welsh woman, Stacy.
And so half the characters are Welsh.
And it's really endearing.
But The Trip is better.
He's in both.
Right, The Trip, Rob Bryden.
Rob Bryden.
Rob Brydon plays the uncle, Stacy's uncle, in it.
And he's fucking...
Whatever.
Okay.
Don't go breaking my balls.
Just find something, slow ass.
Pull that shut up, Jamie.
Wow.
Well, thanks for taking us to Ghost Town.
That's not even low.
Look up Rob Bryden in Gavin and Stacy.
Gavin and Stacey.
Come and read it.
And this will be your homework assignment.
By tomorrow, you have to have a Welsh accent perfected.
Damn.
Better than Robert Downey Jr.
Which isn't that hard.
Well, fuck.
All right, looking for clips.
There we go.
James Corbyn.
No, no, that's Irish fuck lips.
That's not Gavin and Stacey.
I'm trying to find something just quick for you instead of accent.
Stop doing an Irish accent when we're talking about Welsh.
It's really irritating.
Is it the same thing?
What?
Is Welsh the same as Irish?
I'm just filibustering while I'm looking for clips.
Did you put in Rob Dryden?
Yeah.
Gavin and Stacey.
I sure did.
There we go.
And some jam.
And I'll tell you for why.
I'll tell you for why.
Tony.
One of my online buddies he is.
One of my online buddies he is.
At the aerodrome.
He's having to stay there until he gets back on his feet.
And he has for breakfast, because whenever we speak, lunchtime here is breakfast over there.
And I say to him, what are you having for breakfast?
And he says, peanut butter and jelly.
Now, when he says jelly, he means jam.
I can't wait to tell him about this.
He'll be beside himself.
Look who it is.
Darling, do you sleep all right?
James Corden.
Not really, no.
Aw, come and sit down.
What can I get you?
I'm a wife's pammer orange cheese.
Well, you've got to eat something, Smithy.
She pegs him in the show.
Alright, that's enough.
Everything about James Corden grosses me out.
Oh, really?
Okay, last letter here.
And by the way, we have hundreds.
I should like just do Adderall and just have like a mailbag marathon.
Call it a censor.tv presents and just do them all.
Should we do that?
Hell yeah.
Let's do that.
Gavin, how would you rate Brody Dale of the Distillers rating both her punk rock look and her cleaned up look?
You being an ex-hardcore dude, I'm curious how you'd go about this one.
I like your new sunglasses.
And I like that letter.
I had said we're bored of the normal fucking chicks.
It's kind of hard to see what Brodie Dale looks like.
Because she's got her cone spikes and her nutty lipstick and her eye makeup.
The normal.
Can you see?
So yeah, obviously in her punk days, I'd give her a that's hard to tell, right?
What the fuck does she look like?
I'm going to go with 8.4.
*sad music* *sniff*
8.2?
But she's aged well.
I wonder what she is.
Is that a Jew?
Jews tend to age very well.
No, don't do that.
I'll look that up while you find pictures.
Oh, go back, go back.
She kind of looks like Courtney Love.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I see.
Go back, go back, go back.
So click that link.
We got 326.
I'm feeling pretty strong about 8.2.
Here's something tricky to ask.
We said you have to be sexually viable to be rated, right?
So that goes from 18 to, I don't know, 55, maybe even 60.
But obviously you can't apply the same standards to a 55-year-old that you would to a 22-year-old.
Like, think of tits, for example.
You're going to see the big tits on an 18-year-old are going to be down to here when she's 55.
So, but I would still, I might prefer the 55-year-old.
She'd be more fun.
What are you doing?
You don't have a Pinterest account?
Hell no.
What am I?
An old woman?
Well, just show us.
You can't.
You have to sign up.
Yeah, I got to pick up.
This is a nightmare.
Okay, go back to Google Images then.
And you should be signed up for everything.
Because I know you're not on Pinterest, but girls will send us stuff.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, you're going back to Google Image?
Yes.
DuckDuckGo.
Unfortunate.
What does she look like?
I can't see her.
I don't know.
It's like I'm in the fog.
Are some girls a range?
Like, Kylie Jenner looks like an 8.8 when she spent five hours drawing a face on her face.
But that doesn't count.
So you can put on a little bit of makeup for a solid rating.
But what about do certain girls are certain girls more attractive because they act different?
Like you factor in what they act like.
Well, some people say you should do two.
You should be bare bones looks and then context.
But I just jumped to the second one.
Like Danny DeVito is a seven, maybe.
Yeah, because.
Because he could get a seven.
So something's only worth what you're willing to pay for it.
If you have an $80,000 house, but everyone wants it because Elvis died there or something and you're getting offers of $4 million, you have a $4 million house.
3.
Oh, that's a good picture of her.
Finally!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The fog clears.
That is her?
Yeah.
Okay.
And I feel pretty good about my rating.
I mean, she's getting older now.
I may have to yank her down to eight, but I'm not going to 7.9.
I'll tell you that right now.
I'll tell you that right the hell now.
All right, that's enough.
Let's get to the final video.
It's been yet another very long episode, but I'm very proud of it.
Proud of your boy.
And I'm quite happy, especially when it's juxtaposed with everyone else's shitty show.
It's exactly like the Jews.
You said in Russia that they couldn't be part of the economy.
Jews can't loan money.
Jews are ostracized.
Russia has a very anti-Semitic and homophobic and racist, by the way, past.
And so the Jews had no choice but to build a black market economy for some new business behind the scenes.
Then, Gorbachev, Glasnost, the end of the Soviet Union.
And the only economy that existed was the black market economy.
And they then thrived, just like us.
You banned me from everything.
You made me build my own pirate ship.
I built an ironclad pirate ship that no one can get into.
And they tried.
They made us change the name.
They've attacked our pay sources.
They've tried to find our location a million times.
And here we are in post-apocalypse, walking down the street like Mad Max with his fucking dingo.
Which of these four or five final videos?
I like to end on an up note these days.
That's a theme.
That's why we're wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking beer because we're partying.
We're done living in fear.
We're fucking walking down the street.
I don't wear no mask.
My body, my choice.
So here's a fun one.
Kind of makes me a little homesick, as did Faith saying a boot.
But this is number 45, the just send it guy.
And he just fucking sends it.
Just gonna send it.
Just gonna send it.
Gonna hand her about three-quarter to full throttle.
Gonna come downhill pretty fast.
Shit, that water just gonna hold her wide.
Gonna be a good day.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh my gosh.
Just fucking send it.
I think he invented that, by the way.
Just send it.
What's fucking insane!
Just fuck.
He's got his Canadian tuxedo on.
Look at that.
What an awesome dude.
He reminds me of that pup Thug Life guy.
Pug Life.
I'm still going to send it.
You guys silly?
I'm still going to send it.
He's a fucking mullet.
By the way, thanks to Eurotech for turning us on to this.
Did you guys ride those?
Oh, what?
Did you have your own?
No.
Well, that hurt, but.
My dad had one.
I moved to New York when I was 29, and I wasn't old enough to have land and a fucking skidoo, eh?
But my dad had one, and fucking...
It's what you do all winter.
It's what they do upstate, New York, all winter.
I mean, it gets dark at four o'clock.
There's nothing else to do but go on.
Ooh, that looks like it hurts.
Another day, another beer.
Sure.
Just fucking send it.
You guys have any food?
Never mind.
I think I got a slice in the old ET.
There she is.
Smells like a slice of meat lovers after a good night.
A couple bushes.
Tuned up, the old ET.
She'll be running good for the next stunt.
Keep her tuned.
Seems like she's got a beer in every pocket.
Keep her tuned.
Just gonna send it.
Just gonna get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
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