Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS [2020-04-01 - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS]

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April 1, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:14:40

S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS [2020-04-01 - S02E145 - TALK SHOW HOSTS]

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	I can't stop it, I can't stop.
	I just get stuck, kick the back.
	I got live from New York.
	It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
	Shiny bird with the sketches on.
	Follow on your hand, make my gun.
	Light up, light up sketches.
	Light up, light up my burn.
	Shiny bird with the sketches on.
	Follow on your hand, make my gun.
	Light up, light up sketches.
	Light up, light up my burn.
	Let's see the video.
	There we go.
	I like the sketches on.
	You like me, my good shoes.
	You show me your boobs.
	I like you, Scott.
	You like me too.
	Bring your friend all about me.
	I'm lost.
	Is that on purpose?
	I don't get it.
	It's too good to be an accident, but I don't think Indians are funny.
	Oh, really?
	Do you know Amish Patel, buddy?
	Come on.
	Are Indians funny now?
	When did that happen?
	When did the third world get a sense of humor?
	What about Kumal Nanji?
	He's funny.
	Well, he's from Pakistan, actually.
	Hassan Minhaj?
	He's so funny, that guy.
	No, he's not funny at all.
	Actually, let's jump ahead to 22 before we start the show, really.
	I saw this tweet from Kumal Nananji, who's my new favorite guy to shit on.
	And he put this tweet up.
	We don't talk about coronavirus on this show, but I couldn't resist this.
	Seeing more people snickering at us as we work super hard to keep six feet away from everyone when we go on walks.
	People are snickering at you when you go to give six feet.
	Already seeing people in LA getting really, really relaxed about social distancing, buddy.
	Now is not the time to get confident.
	Do your part.
	It's not that hard.
	He's lying.
	Bullshit.
	I saw these joggers the other day, and it was a married couple, and there was someone on the path, and they took a really wide berth.
	The last thing I was going to do is snicker.
	I don't fucking know.
	So when I saw them do that big, big turnaround thing, I went, oh, seems pretty intense, but what the fuck do I know?
	Do you think people are going about a fucking pandemic we know nothing about?
	He's fucking lying.
	He just wanted to get that out there and talk about himself.
	He sucks shit.
	I'm starting to hate Indian comedians.
	Aziz Ansari is playing Harris Whittle on his And Harris Whittle didn't like Aziz Ansari.
	But after his death, Aziz won't shut up about his good buddy Harris.
	Dude, I knew Harris.
	He didn't like you.
	He thought you were annoying.
	You know why?
	Because you are.
	Randy.
	Man, I'm a little guy.
	How about when he fucking apologized to the world for molesting that girl as Dave Chappelle?
	If you're going to apologize for me too, and by the way, as he's, I don't like you, but you shouldn't have apologized.
	She sucked you off seven times and she says she was raped.
	I guess I love rape, if that's what it entails.
	Seven blowjobs?
	Yes, please.
	Actually, I don't want seven blowjobs.
	I only want one every two days, which I'm not really getting.
	Yeah, he subsumed Dave Chappelle's personality and sat in the bench, and he even held the mic the way Chappelle holds the mic.
	Fuck, it was embarrassing.
	But you know, as Ezan Sari's career, he started making fun of Trapped in the Closet, the R. Kelly thing.
	He did it at UCB in New York City, and I checked it out there, and it was just him making fun, and everyone laughing their heads off.
	And I'm sort of looking around as everyone laughs at R. Kelly doing Trapped in the Closet, and I feel like saying, you guys realize he can't read, right?
	You're laughing hysterically at a man who has the IQ of maybe 80, which I believe is the number for Down syndrome.
	So we're sitting here laughing at a retard.
	Isn't that embarrassing?
	And then, boom, that was his career done because they want brown guys.
	If you're a brown comedian, then you're doing well.
	And remember, Aziz wrote an article for the New York Times after the, I can't remember if it was San Bernardino or the Pulse shooting, but it was like, how fucked up is this?
	I'm worried about my parents going to their mosque.
	So he's a Muslim, I guess.
	So if you're a brown Muslim, you're likely from Pakistan, although I think Aziz is from India.
	Muslims killed about a million Indians, but whatever.
	Then your career is set.
	And he has the audacity after getting that free career to sit there and say the New York Times, after a Muslim shooting, Aziz is sitting there going, how fucked up is it that my parents are scared to go pray?
	Is that it?
	Racism begins with ideas.
	That's not Aziz and Sari, you fucking tard.
	Holy shit, what are you doing?
	Omer Aziz?
	Show yourself, by the way.
	Oh.
	Hold on, wait.
	Let me get that.
	Did you, where's your camera?
	I used it.
	I used it last night because I was on my friend's podcast.
	I can grab it.
	Okay, well, I'll keep talking anyway.
	So when someone, when there's a shooting, a Muslim terrorist shooting, it's not really the time to talk about you and how hard it is to be Muslim in America.
	But that was what the New York Times wanted from Aziz, and that's what he gave them.
	It's like these Chinese people complaining that they're experiencing racism and bigotry.
	Yeah, we'll get to you.
	We'll get to you in a bit.
	Why don't you just, hey, Aziz, why don't you do an article after 9-11 and talk about how people are staring at Muslims now and they're uncomfortable flying with them.
	Anyway, sorry.
	And then Hassan Minhaj, remember him?
	He tried to fuck with me at the Daily Show.
	He tried to fuck me with his heels on.
	And he was another guy, really mediocre LA stand-up comedian, had barely tried it.
	Totally new, exactly like Aziz.
	Then the Daily Show goes, well, the women who run the Daily Show at Comedy Central go, well, we need this to be all about diversity.
	So after John, what's his name with the Jewish name, who changed it to John Stewart?
	Stewart John Stewart.
	I'm Jon Stewart.
	Ah, you should have been at my Bar Matzfa.
	It was fucking crazy.
	After Jon Stewart leaves, they go, we need visible minorities now.
	Well, we have one guy.
	There's a guy in LA.
	He's done open mic stuff.
	He's a Muslim from India, just like Aziz.
	Yeah, let's get him.
	Then Hassan Minhaj has a job.
	And they're not funny.
	That's the problem with affirmative action comedy.
	It's not funny.
	Get woke, go broke.
	Anyway, sorry, to get back to India, that song, Drip Report, I think it's these Indian dudes.
	This is kind of old, that song.
	It's from January.
	But I think it's these Indian dudes who remix popular trap songs.
	But I think they're literally in India, as opposed to metaphorically.
	And they use like Indian production, Bollywood production to do these things.
	And they appear to be fucking hilarious.
	I'm confused.
	Affirmative action has taught me that Indians aren't funny.
	but maybe they are Is he just taking random dance videos?
	No, because that Gucci shoes Skechers thing looked real.
	But then he did edit the Skechers on top of the feet.
	So that might just be from Bollywood stuff.
	I like the way Indians dance.
	Well, they are white.
	What do you mean?
	Where do you think the Caucasus Mountains are?
	Caucasians?
	They're just brown-white people.
	They're just very tan.
	Yeah.
	That's why they assimilate so well.
	The only thing that can stop an Indian from assimilating is to make him a Muslim, which is why Pakistanis seem to have so much trouble.
	I saw this disturbing thing on Tommy Robinson's Telegram about how 95% of truck drivers in Pakistan said their favorite part of the job was fucking young boys.
	Wow.
	Now, how does that 995, again the magic 95, how does that 95 translate to Pakistani immigrants in, say, Luton?
	Let's say it goes down drastically.
	They're much more civilized.
	Let's say it's only 68%.
	Oh, that's pretty high pedophile content.
	I was going to play Young Signorino.
	He's got a bi-local, I guess.
	Oh, wait, I got this.
	What are you doing?
	I had someone bring me sandwiches, by the way.
	The Indian truck thing.
	Or the Pakistani truck thing.
	Oh, you got it?
	Yep.
	How do you have that so fast?
	I went on Telegram.
	How did you actually do your job?
	95% of truck drivers admitted that having sex with boys was their main entertainment.
	And some local surveys have estimated that nine out of every ten street kids have been abused.
	If accurate, that puts the figure on a national scale in the hundreds of thousands.
	It's one of the most sad and shameful aspects of our society.
	I have to say, I'm totally embarrassed by this that we have not really been able to protect them.
	It's going on everywhere.
	In the big cities, or small cities, or towns, everywhere this has happened.
	Oh, wow.
	Okay, this is supposed to be an upbeat comedy show.
	Now I want to slip my wrists.
	Do you remember young Signorino?
	He had that song, Mahaha, 1-3.
	No, 1-3.
	That's his new song.
	He's stuck in his apartment with this girl.
	We played this as a joke on the Gavin McInnes show.
	I've since come to fucking love it.
	It's kind of exactly what the world needs right now.
	60 frames per second.
	Brave.
	What does that mean?
	It's got that soap opera feel.
	cinematic is like 24 frames per second but the motion looks like he's right in front of us you know because it's like But he's got a new song out because he's locked in.
	And I was looking at the video and just going, fuck.
	Italian women are hot.
	Holy shit.
	You know how I say I could never marry a woman with an accent?
	I think I might be able to handle Jamaican, not Scottish, sorry, homeland.
	Jamaican I can handle, or I think I could handle Italian.
	French is not appealing.
	What are you doing?
	No, I think I can handle French.
	This one sucks.
	Look how insanely hot she is.
	Getting tattoos on your face is really retarded, but the pussy you'll get will be insane.
	Same with neck tattoos.
	If you're not getting laid, tattoo your neck.
	You'll regret it, but you'll get laid.
	Look at her.
	I've always wanted full body tattoos.
	you haven't?
	Yes, I have.
	An entire body of just tattoos.
	Not entire, but all.
	Can we see you, please?
	This is annoying.
	That's enough.
	I don't know why I played that young Signorino.
	The Indian thing was much better.
	It's important to let people know what's going on.
	I got that from the censored.tv Gavin McInnis Reddit that I've been frequenting quite a bit now, and even responding.
	Here I am.
	There's Rye Guy.
	We're in Rye Guy's apartment.
	I can hear him wash his asshole after he takes his shit.
	Yeah, I got my tushy.
	And you have a bippy.
	So you've tried a Biffy.
	What did I say?
	Bippy?
	Yeah.
	I'm wrong.
	But so which one do you like better?
	I like the Biffy way more.
	You should probably show what we're talking about here.
	This is great, too, in a toilet paper crisis.
	We don't have toilet paper.
	The Biffy hooks up to your tank.
	It has an angle.
	And the water that it shoots on your butthole feels like a tap.
	It feels like tap water, but upside down.
	Shooting on your butthole.
	The tushy, which is a fucking gay name, that Ryan has, there's my Biffy.
	This is the Biffy.
	My Biffy.
	I can't believe they don't give me any money.
	I've been promoting them.
	I put them on the cover of Vice Magazine in 2002 or something.
	Ooh, a Biffy warmer.
	I like the cold.
	Wakes you up.
	And there's many ways you can do it.
	You can just do a blast, whatever.
	Or if you relax your anus, it can go right up in there and give you an enema.
	Yes.
	That takes like Zen skills.
	I know.
	Here in Ryan's apartment, I tried his tushi, and it's like needle pains.
	It's pretty direct, yeah.
	It feels like a syringe going into your butthole.
	It's way too intense.
	Yeah.
	I get what you're saying with the aesthetics.
	Sure.
	Yeah, it looks nicer.
	You know, I got the bamboo handle.
	But who gives a fuck what your toilet...
	You've had a clump of hair next to your bath for forever.
	I shed.
	You've only just cleaned your toilet now.
	It used to look black.
	You got garbage everywhere.
	Your towel rack's broken.
	You've been too lazy to fix it.
	So your bathroom's disgusting.
	And here you are going, I want it to be a nice oak button.
	Look at the maroon.
	I like that.
	That would.
	Shut the fuck up.
	Get a new knob.
	Do you know my Rogane here, by the way?
	There's once.
	Not that I saw.
	I bet I did.
	Look at that.
	It's a portable bidet.
	But how the hell would you do that?
	Look at that.
	You got a pump.
	You're pretty desperate.
	You have pretty serious anal problems if you're carrying around a portable bidet.
	Show the fuck out, dude.
	I need water in my bot.
	By the way, speaking of this awesome show, I forgot to research this, but our show shot from Ryan's apartment is 7% worse than it was in our expensive Manhattan studio.
	I'm very proud of us for that.
	I'm very impressed by Ryan, and I'm impressed by myself.
	I guess that's what pride is when you're impressed with yourself.
	But let's have a little look, shall we, at the talk show hosts who make millions of dollars and have entire teams.
	Let's have a look at Conan, Samantha B, and John Oliver.
	I was listening to Howard Stern.
	Oh, and Andy Cohen.
	I was listening to Andy Cohen.
	And Jerry O'Connell was on with a shit.
	It sounded like a 56K modem connection.
	So you couldn't hear anything.
	And Howard Stern was on Zoom for an entire week before he had his studio set up because he was so worried about getting coronavirus that even after the technicians installed a studio, which I don't, it's just a mic.
	Why is it so complicated?
	He had to let it sit for a week.
	Look at this shit.
	This is like when we were doing Breezy.
	And a lot of them have very beautiful, spacious mansions, and they look out of touch, telling us, hey, chill.
	It's all going to be okay.
	And then you see how they live, and it's just insane.
	I just want to tell all my celebrity friends, be careful about that.
	Okay.
	Try and just be sensible about in your home.
	I don't worry about that.
	I have a simple home, a nice home, but a simple home.
	And I'm proud of it, but nothing too opulent.
	Okay, now that I got that message across, I wanted to do something fun today.
	I've been practicing magic during this quarantine.
	Simple little magic, but it's kind of fun and sweet.
	And I've been working on something with a trick coin that I ordered through the mail.
	It's really fun.
	Let me do it for you right now.
	It's a funny little trick coin bit.
	You know what?
	I don't know where I left the coin.
	Let me quickly check out in the hallways.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Has anyone seen my trick coin?
	Any of the servants see an errant trick coin?
	No?
	No?
	We'll just check the other hallway.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	How brutal is that?
	I'm shocked, actually.
	He doesn't have 14 writers, clearly, sending him shit.
	All right, Jimmy, you're a funny guy.
	You did radio for a million years.
	What do you got?
	Way better camera, but why are we in your bedroom?
	And why is the camera bouncing?
	The fact that you're watching this makes me assume you have nothing to do.
	I'm going to shoot a mini monologue every day until we get back from my house where I am currently incarcerated.
	I mean, camping out with my family.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know, you learn a lot about yourself when you're isolated at home.
	For instance, I learned that I have children, which was really something to find out.
	Thank God for television.
	My blood type right now is Disney positive or Disney Plus, whatever they call it.
	We've watched.
	Okay, so I'll credit Conan or Jimmy.
	They clearly are not having anyone write their jokes and they are writing their own shitty fucking jokes.
	What do we got here?
	John Oliver.
	Well, at least he has a happy studio.
	It's clearly going to look a little unusual.
	As I'm sure you've seen, the coronavirus has forced a number of late-night hosts to record shows from their houses, and we're no different, as my home is.
	And this is true.
	Look how bad Seth Meyers set up it.
	Like, it looks like spoop.
	A blank white void full of sad facts.
	Where else did you think I lived?
	Now, a lot has happened in the last two weeks, and I'll start with arguably the least important development.
	The last time we spoke, I mentioned the work done by a very informative TikTok hamster.
	Okay, that's enough.
	That's enough.
	At least he has a good studio.
	Yeah, that's true.
	So, John Oliver, kudos.
	You're not a complete failure.
	Jimmy Kimmel, fail.
	Let's give them grades.
	So, John Oliver gets a B plus.
	Jimmy Kimmel gets an F. Conan gets an F. What about Seth Myers?
	What was the Andy Cohen one you were talking about?
	Oh, Andy Cohen, I think it was just his audio podcast.
	Oh, okay.
	So, Seth Myers, we're doing it.
	Let's see Seth Myers.
	Seth Myers is, you know what Seth Myers is?
	He's just like Jared Holt.
	just milky water who's just been at NBC for so long like a hard-working communist that they just give him shit.
	And we have no idea when we're going to be back but obviously it's not just a surreal time for us That's surreal time.
	Nice audio rechart.
	They have so much, so much money around them, and so many people telling them.
	Like, look at Anthony Kumia.
	He's got a whole home studio.
	And it's not live.
	A home setup.
	It's not live.
	And you've noticed the self-referential comedy too?
	Like, Conan, I hate this about him.
	He's always like, yeah, I'm so pale.
	Look at this red hair.
	Yeah, girls really like this.
	We're like, yeah, we get it.
	We get it.
	You're not normal, attractive.
	And then Jimmy Kimmel's got to talk about himself and his kids.
	Seth Myers is being really informative and telling us that things are not as they normally are.
	Breaking news with fucking Mr. Milky Toast.
	Mr. Crooked Hall Lamps.
	Go ahead, Seth Boras.
	The closer look.
	Now, you might notice that I'm doing this closer look from inside my house.
	And it may be weird to do it from a hallway, but at least I'm not doing it from a public beach.
	Look at those dummies.
	Let me be clear.
	I'm not saying people are dumb for going to a beach during a pandemic, which they are.
	I can't believe it.
	I'm saying you're dumb for going to the beach, period.
	You could die from going to a beach right now, and it's still not in the top five worst things that could happen to you at a beach.
	When I die, I fully expect my last words to be, at least I don't have to go to the beach anymore.
	I mean, I'm not happy being stuck inside all the time, but at least I'm not finding sand in my butt crack yet.
	Anyway.
	Whoa!
	Oh, that's a sandwich.
	How brutal was that?
	That was Nickelodeon level.
	That was clean comedy.
	That was like sub-SpongeBob.
	Holy shit.
	Yeah.
	What an absolute loser.
	So that's just an F. You know, when I was in eighth grade, I was in a class for retards.
	And one of my friends there, he, he, in Canada, we go by percentages.
	So 50 is a pass, 49 is a fail.
	And if you fail, you have to redo the class.
	The course, the grade, if you end up at the end of the year with 49.
	And then 50 is pass, obviously.
	The A is 80 to 100.
	Anyway, he had a 27 in math.
	And his, no, sorry, he had a 17 in math.
	And his dad was going to buy him a bike if he got a 27 in math.
	And I remember explaining to him, even at that young age, I was 13.
	I remember explaining, Brian, 27, 17 are the same.
	That's an F. So we don't have to get into how badly these guys fail, but Seth is an F. Seth, Conan, Jimmy, F. John got a, what do you get, a B plus, which is in Canada, that's 70 to 80.
	75 to 80 is a B plus.
	So we got like a 77.
	Yeah, more like F Myers and Blownen O'Brien and Jimmy Crapple.
	Kim doesn't sound like crap.
	I know.
	That one was tough.
	Unless he's the leader of North Korea and he's doing karaoke.
	Not bad.
	This Fallon Joe B. Who is this?
	I got Fallon.
	Let's see Fallon.
	He can do lots of imitations.
	Maybe it's Jimmy Failing.
	My name is Jimmy Fallon.
	I want to thank you guys so much for watching.
	Look at the audio.
	And we've gotten such amazing feedback from not just the country, but that's awesome.
	And so it really means a lot to us that you're choosing to watch this.
	Your art sucks.
	It's like that Juliet Larie Dreyfus dad who just loves artists when they're black, doesn't care how badly they paint.
	To make you laugh and kind of give you a little ease in these tense times.
	Thank you very, very much.
	Just do the joke.
	Good audio.
	Decent gifts.
	This is like John Krafowski.
	He has a new show called Good News and it's on YouTube and of course it looks like shit.
	Like, you know, people in graphics, can't you have a do, do, do, do, do, breaking news thing?
	And he spends the first 10 minutes talking about his show, Good News, and how he has to shoot it from home and blah, blah, blah, until you just turn it off.
	Like, jump right in to the good news on your good news show.
	Value other people's time, but they don't.
	They value themselves more than anything.
	And they have to make this about charity.
	No, you found an article about this, you fucking tard.
	That's it.
	Krasinski.
	Like, why not have a graphics friend make you a spinning globe?
	This is so faux homemade.
	And again, very clearly the afternoon.
	And welcome to SGN.
	John, what is SGN?
	That's a good question.
	For years now, I've been wondering, why is there not a news show?
	Why don't you just be a human being?
	...to good news.
	Well, desperately seeking my fix somewhere else, I reached out to all of you this week, Next making for some good news.
	So fucking boring.
	So amateur.
	And again, the audio shit, that's an F for John.
	And Fallon got an F. Jim, don't go find this.
	Find Samantha B. But Jim Gaffigan has this series on YouTube.
	He's doing called Dinner with the Gaffigans.
	And it's just shit audio.
	His kids bored out of their mind, not wanting to look at the camera.
	And his wife, who has a weird accent, by the way.
	I assumed that she was American.
	Talking about their charity work and how this is going to benefit, I don't know, a fucking zoo or some shit.
	Some loser animals.
	Speaking of loser animals, Samantha Bee, who is the most beautiful 97-year-old in show business.
	A little detail about Samantha Bee, by the way.
	She can't wait to tell you about her life and how Dennis Prager and PragerU is bullshit and he's really ugly.
	Which is a weird thing for Samantha Bee to say, especially when her writing staff is even uglier than her.
	But here's a little secret, some inside info I know, because I used to be her neighbor.
	Her dad is dating a 16-year-old.
	Now, this was a long time ago.
	She might be up to 19 now, maybe even 21.
	But they had something like a 45-year age gap.
	So that's her disgusting father.
	Her mother's a witch.
	Her mother practices witchcraft.
	She's a Wiccan.
	In other words, totally mentally ill.
	So we have what is essentially a pedophile and a mentally ill woman makes this person and she proceeds to tell you how to live your life.
	How to have a good marriage.
	This looks like a still from Gretel and Hansel.
	Yeah, I'm glad I'm not a little kid.
	I'd feel like food right now.
	I feel like a dog in Korea.
	Made up.
	You know, if there's one takeaway from the videos the other late night hosts put out, it's that they have incredible homes.
	But I can do you one better.
	I've got a woodshed.
	Why?
	Because I've been preparing for something like this for years.
	Oh, good.
	So now that we're all operating at DEF CON shit my pants levels, I live out here to protect my wood.
	But it looks like I don't have any wood because the grocery store seems to have run out of the stuff that was pre-cut.
	So here we go.
	It's cavewoman times.
	Okay, we're ready for a joke.
	Or anything.
	Here we go.
	This is heavy.
	Okay.
	We're going to see how she's not good at chopping wood.
	Isn't, aren't you feminists all about how you can do anything a man can do?
	Anyways, okay.
	I'll do this.
	Oh, this is brutal.
	This is worse than Seth Meyers beat shit.
	Let me guess, she won't do it very well?
	Could you picture even like old people that are out of touch that love Samantha Beebe being like, This is funny.
	She tried to cut the wood and she couldn't.
	I'm going to give you daily tips for how to survive and thrive while also social distancing.
	This is being at home.
	That's not the piece you're dropping.
	I know.
	Oh.
	Samantha F minus.
	You know when you have a fart that's so intense it hurts your anal lips?
	That's how I feel right now.
	Just, oh.
	Shit.
	They're still going with that.
	You hear that?
	I have to admit I stole this idea from Steven Crowder whose show has not even hit a speed bump.
	It's exactly the same as it always was.
	And he said late night hosts have failed and I thought I have to look into that and I didn't think to until now and I'm sure glad I did.
	This is turning into a great segment.
	Samantha.
	Still going with the wood joke.
	Samantha D. Samantha F. D minus.
	Yes.
	Dude.
	I don't know how lumberjanes do it.
	In other words, feminism is a lie.
	This is slumber party VHS shit.
	How does Jameson Jones love her so much?
	He better never go to LensCrafters and get his prescription updated.
	Or get his hearing.
	I think his dad is deaf actually.
	It's a two ounce bottle of Purell.
	But here we are.
	I'm not joking.
	And his son is blind.
	Not his son, but the Def Gun's son.
	When is this joke going to end?
	Oh my god, I did it!
	It's longer than an SNL bit.
	This is the whole thing.
	I actually did it.
	It will not stop for another...
	No, you did it.
	You cracked it.
	Yeah, but like almost.
	Nope.
	No, okay.
	Very good.
	Ah!
	Oh, I literally almost chopped my own leg off.
	At the end of the day, it's like what Scar from The Lion King said.
	We all have to be prepared.
	He's the hero of that movie.
	Ah!
	Shit!
	All right, that's enough.
	That's enough.
	I cannot believe how long that went on for.
	Holy crap, what a bunch of talentless fucking hacks.
	And they're not just talentless.
	They're so half-assed.
	Have someone come in with a hazmat suit.
	Have them build you a studio.
	I don't know why the fuck you don't have a home studio.
	It never occurred to you to be prepared for this.
	Have you heard of like crazy weather before?
	What, Wendy's got a show?
	I don't think anybody's talking about this one.
	How you doing?
	Again with the shit audio.
	Yes.
	I just got off the phone with my future sister-in-law.
	Well, one of the great things.
	I don't want to see this though.
	I never expected her.
	I mean, that's just garbage daytime thing.
	What about Ellen though?
	The Kimmel stuff.
	I mean, these guys, I think Kimmel makes $13 million a year.
	And it has millions of views.
	Samantha Bee has millions of viewers.
	Like 3 million.
	More than Sean Hannity, I believe.
	And when left to their own devices, they do a seven-minute joke about how women don't have a lot of upper body strength.
	Which I think you may already know.
	Did you know that?
	Are we done with this bit?
	What about Ellen DeGeneres?
	Okay, let's do Ellen.
	I don't know if she's continuing her show.
	I don't know if this is...
	Too hard.
	Let me guess.
	You used Zoom?
	Okay, so I'm bored.
	I'm sure everybody's bored.
	And look at the weather.
	Why don't you work?
	Pouring down rain.
	It's not like I can even do anything.
	What fucking house?
	Was that a pool?
	Or a ramp?
	What the f...
	What is that?
	Is that a...
	Good question.
	Is that...
	I think that's her walkway.
	Like her stairs.
	But is that...
	So an elephant can come to your house?
	Why are your fucking stairs so wide?
	You think of like...
	the stairs that go to my bunker it's a little tiny three foot by three foot rock every two feet that's all you need for humans so this is what i'm gonna keep busy and it's gonna keep me why don't you just show us doing your puzzle in real time it can be a 17 hour episode.
	This is an insult to this is so bad that I'm making a bad show talking about.
	She's literally.
	Oh, let me get you.
	She's doing a game up.
	It was too hard.
	No.
	She's organizing the pieces.
	Okay.
	What I realize is this 4,000 pieces is ridiculous.
	I don't have a table big enough.
	I'm not stupid.
	It's Ellen.
	No, you're not stupid, Ellen.
	You're boring.
	Wow.
	And the fact that they're not trying it all shows how little they respect their audience.
	I mean, all of these people could take advantage of their whole fucking fan base and have a million graphics ready and all kinds of shit.
	Like even Conan's green screen bit, he could have been walking and sent that to someone who can do post shit.
	I've already seen this.
	I think, didn't we already talk about it?
	We already showed it, but yeah, just to throw it in there.
	I don't remember the audio.
	Bad.
	How many more months are we going to have to be eating Chef?
	Brooks Brothers jacket.
	I mean, total, the suit.
	The question on everyone's mind was, I don't think that suit's totaled.
	No, no, probably not.
	That's how you watch it.
	It's just the bottom got soapy, and he's wearing his underwear.
	Could be right in that period of time where I say.
	There's some production there, but pretty bad.
	All right, so I sent you a couple videos.
	And I don't consider this coronavirus talk, so I'm still allowing this on the show.
	But show the videos that I embedded into that email.
	We had, what do we have?
	We had.
	What the fuck?
	I got memes.
	Okay, I got the video.
	All right.
	Save.
	Yeah, British fridges, and then 27 isn't labeled.
	So the chick.
	No, no.
	Go to the fucking email.
	Find the chick.
	You can't play it full screen without it, so I'm just going to click them open because I downloaded them.
	See, I care about your time, folks at home.
	I'm not sitting here talking about my hair or my home or a puzzle.
	Okay, this isn't the one I wanted.
	I said the chick.
	Oh.
	Now, just pause before you show this.
	This is a random person.
	This woman does not make $10 million a year entertaining.
	She doesn't have a massive staff of 50 people.
	She's just a random chick.
	Okay?
	Let's see what she's got to offer.
	Compare this to Seth Meyers.
	Whilst we're all on lockdown and all the beauty salons are closed.
	Just pause.
	I'm sorry to interrupt a bit, but that audio is so fucking crisp.
	She could have her lips up to my ears right now.
	It's perfect.
	To do a little video offering some hair care advice, just to try and keep it nice and neat and under control until they open again.
	So we're going to start off by brushing it through.
	I get it.
	And she got to the punchline immediately.
	No talking about herself, no talking about her house.
	Here's another British person doing a much better job than any other entertainer.
	Well, here we are, day five of lockdown.
	I think I'm okay.
	I've got food there.
	I've got plenty food in the fridge, all stocked up, just in case lockdown goes on.
	I've got some here.
	I was talking to my mom the other day, and she kept using the word behemoth.
	And I said, it's first of all, you've used that word twice.
	Did I already tell you this story?
	You've used that word twice in this conversation.
	So you can't use it, I'm going to say for another 18 conversations.
	And we don't see each other that much or talk maybe once a week.
	So you can't use that word for years now.
	And she goes, I get locked in a world and I keep using it.
	And I said, and also you're pronouncing it wrong.
	It's behemoth.
	No, sorry, it's behemoth.
	And she goes, no, in Scotland, I'm of the mind that we pronounce our words.
	And I go, what?
	Scottish people don't pronounce their words wrong.
	You see, you people, no, going about that.
	And she goes, oh, that's Glasgow, though.
	If you go to the Highlands, they pronounce their words very distinctly.
	And I go, but you're not from the Highlands.
	You're from fucking Glasgow.
	And you're pronouncing it wrong.
	And another point about that fucking Scottish guy, who is clearly not Glaswegian, when you hear how well he's pronouncing his words.
	What the fuck is with British fridges?
	I know we have UK viewers.
	Guys, everything in your country, and that's Scotland, Wales, England, I assume Northern Ireland, is so fucking small.
	Even the washer-dryer, what are you washing?
	A sock?
	And the fact that you can have a fridge that is a cupboard and disappears into the cupboard, do you have any kids in your house?
	And even if you don't, why was a house designed for someone with no kids?
	Surely when you build a house, you assume it has to be available for kids.
	If a bachelor lives there, well, then it wouldn't be a big house.
	So why the fuck is this so tiny?
	You need three of those.
	Look at that.
	This is one part.
	This is about a third of my fridge.
	And as far as juice, you have one thing.
	Now they have concentrate.
	They do this thing there where they'll have a thing of like pear juice, but if you were to drink it, you'd die of pears.
	So you pour like a tablespoon in, then you add water.
	So that's how they get over the juice hump.
	But if you had four teenage boys, that would just have to be all milk.
	And is it because they can put stuff on their counter?
	Because it's so fucking cold there that they can have like a bowl of tomatoes and it's it's like they were in the CRISPR because their apartment is a crisper.
	I mean, I was born there and I've went there every summer.
	I've never figured out how they got away with such tiny fridges.
	Maybe we're just fat pigs and we eat too much.
	Bread.
	Bread.
	We've got Captain Zahagis.
	Plenty of manies.
	PlayStation 4, so we've got Gran Churismo.
	So that's going to keep us busy there.
	Lights are on, heating's on, it's all good.
	I've got plenty drink in the cupboard.
	I'll just light that up.
	There we go.
	Plenty drink in the cupboard, so we should be okay with that.
	And I think I'm going to get through lockdown without too much concerns.
	Stay safe, everybody.
	Why didn't you laugh?
	I chuckled, but I've seen that gag recently before.
	Yeah, well, it's the running gag with the she said she'd give me a blowjob and a donut, and then he has a donut in the shot, right?
	We already talked about those.
	But both of those jokes were quick to the point, beautifully delivered, great audio.
	That guy was using his fucking phone.
	Celebrities aren't talented.
	They're hardworking, lucky people.
	That is what we have learned from this pandemic, that the people that everyone watches at night are talentless.
	You know who gets a pass, I think?
	Maybe you disagree, but David Spade.
	Now, his audio-visual isn't great, but he's been interviewing everybody from Tiger King, and it's really good.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Look, this is not a be-all-end-all rule.
	In fact, we learned John Oliver can do his homework.
	What's with the weird blurry background?
	That's a Skype option.
	The reason that I was there went away, so I left him.
	So he talked to the armless chick Saf.
	He talked to Jeff Lowe, you know, the bad guy who took over.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He talked to.
	That's a cool thing to use your celebrity for.
	These celebrities keep using their celebrity to tell us to wash our hands or some charitable bullshit.
	But he's like, I could get lots of guests because I'm famous.
	These non-famous, famous people.
	You got John with his nice teeth now?
	I don't think so.
	Good trick, though.
	You have a shirt on.
	You do a lot of the show shirtless.
	Was that your idea or was that the director?
	No, that was actually kind of the director's idea.
	God, talk about ruining your reputation.
	Like when his daughter, when anyone Googles his daughter, he's the guy that sucked dick for meth.
	Yeah.
	That's the kind of thing you don't want to follow you.
	And not just any dick.
	The curious exotic dick in the world.
	Oh, this is a good segue to Tiger King.
	What do we got here?
	Oh, Cassandra Fairbanks put out a good N-word moment that I had forgotten happening.
	That is 1-5.
	You see, I've done some prep here.
	I'm not just sitting talking about all the Disney shows.
	1-5 shit for brains.
	It's between two huge images.
	Oh, so you have to, it takes so long to scroll.
	Yeah, you scroll past the image because you're like, all right, it's not there.
	Here in this country, it's absolutely pathetic.
	I can't say the N-word, but you can get on YouTube and watch any black man's rap video, and they're calling each other the N-word.
	What the hell is this discrimination?
	I'm white.
	I can't say the N-word, and they can't.
	And it's going on here in this country.
	You know what?
	But I used to, as a liberal teenager, would laugh at that argument.
	I remember Guns N' Roses played Montreal and Axel Rose gets up there and goes, how come you can have a black college fund, but you can't have a white college fund?
	And everyone was cheering.
	And I saw like four rows down, there was a black dude, a black metalhead.
	It was just like, wow, it's a lot of cheering.
	Wow.
	Really going for it with the cheers.
	Hey, I have a deep tan.
	But now that I'm 49, I go, yeah, why can't you have a white college fund?
	Also, the sort of racism towards whites has changed.
	So I feel like that argument that he just made doesn't seem comical to me.
	It seems reasonable.
	In fact, I was talking to a dude on the phone the other day.
	I won't say his name, but he's like, I just hope that this shit, you know, calms everyone down, maybe ends all this social justice warrior crap, at least for a while.
	Like, am I going to be able to say nigger for two weeks after all this calms down?
	Top concern.
	That's the bright side.
	That's another thing.
	Sorry, I'm saying too much coronavirus shit, but I saw an article in the post today that said unemployment figures are going to be as bad as the Great Depression.
	Yeah, but the Great Depression was 10 years.
	Like when you saw those pictures of those guys lining up for food, their hats are torn to shreds.
	Like they don't have clothes.
	Waitresses don't have jobs right now because restaurants aren't open.
	The second they're open, everyone gets their job back and it's going to be a baby boom and an economic boom, just like post-war America.
	So to compare it to the fucking Great Depression is ridiculous.
	Chinese, this happens in China every year.
	Not, well, yes, flu outbreaks.
	But the way Chinese work is, they work like 80 hours a week at least, every single day, occasionally take off a Sunday.
	They don't see their families, which I think is fucking depraved.
	A mother doesn't see her son, her toddler son, for 10 months of the year.
	But then for anywhere from three weeks to two months, they take for Chinese New Year.
	They go in depth in the country and live with their families, see their families and don't work.
	So Beijing, Singapore, all those cities are shut down during Chinese New Year.
	The economy recovers from Chinese New Year.
	I am never going to financially recover from this.
	Wow, you are finding things to use that for.
	We have another Tiger King meme, right?
	Yes, we got this one here.
	Teleworking day one.
	Hey, all you cool cats and kids.
	Teleworking day 2367.
	Guess what, motherfucker?
	Guess what, motherfucker?
	Ooh, that's good.
	Thanks.
	You should show your face, though, more, Ryan.
	But I don't look like him.
	I know.
	Yeah.
	You literally don't look like anybody.
	Has anyone ever sent you a picture of a celebrity?
	Yes.
	Who?
	Rufio from Pan.
	Oh, Rufio Pan Man from Hook?
	Yeah.
	Is his last name Pan Man?
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's why the other Rufio.
	He probably names himself though.
	Oh, gotcha.
	He does have a big fucking schnaz.
	I got a double N. One of those stands for nose.
	We'll be able to say that in about two weeks.
	But yeah, if you want to find out about this stupid flu, watch Tucker Carlson.
	He's got all this shit about how there's no bats at the Wuhan market, but there were bats at the bio research facility next to Wuhan.
	And that's probably how it started.
	And these dummies are trying to make biohazard, trying to make bio-warfare, whatever you call that, biochemicals.
	And someone working there probably got piss on them and then went to the market and started this whole shit.
	So that's kind of research I can't handle.
	But while I was watching Tucker last night, they had the World Health Organization chief on, and his name just fucking pissed me off.
	It's just such clear evidence, this is 1-8, that shithole countries are worthless.
	The rest of the world is less than us.
	I remember in Israel where my tour guide, we're on the Palestinian side, and he said, this wall here that Israel put up, the international community has all told them to take it down, and they persist.
	And I was like, yeah, fuck the international community.
	They're all losers.
	And for evidence, I present exhibit A, their fucking names.
	Tedros Adhanam Geb Reises.
	And Coultersis.
	And Coulters told me she hates doing audiobooks because normally she could just breeze right through it because she wrote the fucking thing.
	But she goes, I get stuck on these stupid Muslim names where I'm like, Ahmad Mahatma.
	Like the previous United Nations head, Butros Boutros Gali.
	Now, isn't it evidence that your culture sucks when you have the same name in your name?
	I'm Gavin Gavin McInnes.
	I got you at Gavin McInnes.
	You have an extra thing in there.
	Why would you have your own name in your name?
	And if he was named Boutros Gali, who's the shithead parent who named their kid Boutros?
	Somebody with a stutter.
	I'm going to name my kid McInnes.
	I'm going to name my kids.
	Yeah, that's what happened.
	At the hospital, they go, what do you want to name it?
	And they go, or how about that was the poor bastard who did that Muhammad video.
	He's a Coptic Christian and he dared to make fun of Islam and was prominently jailed for it because Hillary decided that he was responsible for Benghazi.
	And it worked, by the way.
	He came out of the prison saying, Obama and Hillary are working very hard.
	I deserve to be thrown in prison for a year.
	And here's the stupidest fucking name in the world.
	And it is evidence that these people are retards.
	This is the top funder of Al Jazeera.
	When you work at AJ Plus, and I've seen fucking liberal comedians go on there to defend George Soros and call him a Holocaust survivor.
	Well, yeah, I guess people who helped facilitate it survived it.
	The Nazi scientists in Operation Paper College.
	Yeah, all the Nazis in Argentina.
	I guess you could technically call them Holocaust survivors.
	Soros went door to door telling the Nazis where to go.
	Read his own book.
	Watch his own interview on 60 Minutes.
	George Soros told me that.
	Anyway, you fucking losers who defend Soros.
	The guy behind AJ Plus is named Hamad bin Khalifa bin Hamad bin Abdullah bin Jasmine bin Muhammad Al-Tani.
	And when you Google image it, you get a bunch of different guys because I guess there's a lot of people named this.
	It's the Mike Brown of Muslim names.
	You'll get seven names because those are seven different names all combined.
	Right, right.
	I guess you should have put it in quotes.
	Ahmad bin.
	Put it in quotes.
	And it pisses me off when I see these fucking rich sheiks and I think, why did we tell them that we want to buy oil from them?
	We should have just said we're cleaning your water.
	There's black sludge in it.
	We're going to charge you $100 a month.
	Do you think these fucking animals could have got their own oil with their own technology?
	And now they're the richest people in the world.
	What are you doing?
	Hamad bin Khalif wid bin Hamad bin Abdullah bin Jaze bin Muhammad Alfani.
	That wasn't so hard.
	Ah, shitty culture.
	Okay.
	Oh, yeah.
	Last item of business.
	Well, two more items, actually.
	This is very important, and I wanted to get to this.
	Two, three, Dakota Johnson went on a walk with the guy from Cold Play, and it just fucking pissed me off.
	I used to be able to look outside.
	When I lived in New York City, I could look outside, not check, we didn't have phones with weather back then, and I could just look outside and get a feel of what the weather is.
	Now in the suburbs, when I look outside, I see wool hats and mittens and puffy jackets.
	And then I go outside and it's 52 degrees.
	Everyone's a pussy, but nowhere are they bigger pussies than LA.
	You know what the weather is right now?
	50 to 70.
	Low in the middle of the night at 3 a.m., it's 52 degrees, which I'll ride my motorcycle in a t-shirt at 52 degrees.
	In the day, though, the high is 72.
	And this fucker is British.
	A British guy.
	He's got a tiny fridge at home.
	And he's got, what is this foreskin scarf he has wrapped around his head?
	It's a forescarf.
	Circumcise your forescarf.
	The circumscarf.
	And his big, thick, heavy cricket sweater.
	And look at her fucking hat.
	It's 70 degrees out.
	How irritating is that?
	I don't think I could do it.
	I think if I had that foreskin on and that hat, I'd start having a panic attack because I'd start sweating so much.
	Fucking losers.
	There's a lot of those pictures, too.
	I guess the paparazzi still work, right?
	You can shoot from your car.
	Look at her.
	They're stupid dogs.
	Fuck off.
	Paparazzi are so pointless.
	Final news item before we get to the mailbag.
	Cuomo's nipples.
	What the fuck is going on here?
	There is no explanation that I can think of.
	We are, by the way, 2-4.
	2-4 and 2-5.
	Fucking 2-4.
	Fucking.
	Check out fucking Cuomo's nipples there right at 2-4.
	Fucking given her.
	Now, his spokesperson says, absolutely not.
	That's not what they are.
	There's been times when I was on Adderall, and Adderall speed makes you, it makes you, it makes your nipples hard.
	Makes your dick shrink, and it makes your nipples hard.
	Yes.
	So I put band-aids over them, and then I had two big squares there.
	So maybe he's trying to hide.
	Zoom in on that if you can.
	Maybe he's trying to hide his hard nipples with a band-aid or something.
	But then it would be square.
	So you clearly see three bumps there.
	Bump one, bump two, bump three.
	Here we see two bumps, and they're exactly a pierce nipple apart.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Now go to the next one.
	This is a much bigger one.
	I got this from my Reddit.
	No, that's the same New York Post.
	Oh, the second link, okay.
	Yeah.
	God, I'm becoming so weak from not boxing that holding a mic makes my arms spurt.
	I'm lifting this fucking two ounces.
	So look at that.
	Now, when I first saw this, I went, this is Photoshop.
	It should be Google Image back check.
	But then people started sending me this, and then I saw the New York Post article.
	I mean, come on.
	Although that kind of looks a little bit like an X, I almost see four bumps there.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I could see that.
	And then I thought, maybe it's a bulletproof vest, and those are just like, but that's not how bulletproof vests.
	They have a chest plate.
	They don't focus on the nipples.
	I mean, you're not giving me a better explanation than that bottom picture.
	Those are like pro big-sized pierced nipples.
	Actually, they both look kind of like X's.
	They look almost like sabers.
	Like a Gillette logo or something.
	Anyway.
	That's weird.
	very confusing.
	Maybe it's some disease, Nipple disease?
	You want to look into that?
	No.
	Okay.
	You have a nipple disease where your nipples turn into pierce sabers?
	They just multiply.
	Oh, wait.
	One more story.
	Sorry, I really wanted to get this in.
	This fucking dude, we like to amuse you and stuff and keep you entertained, but we also want to get you angry sometimes.
	And this story needs to be heard.
	Again, I saw it on Tucker last night.
	Fucking dude, Arlington employee, Arlington, Virginia is right near DC.
	Where is it listed here?
	uh do do do do do do do do do Arlington searching Arlington.
	No, no, no.
	Did I not send it to you?
	Was it a separate email?
	No.
	Arlington employee charged for shooting burglar in middle of the night.
	Owner speaks out.
	Oh, I got it.
	It's a DC smoke shop.
	And this poor bastard, he has a five-year-old daughter, right?
	But he doesn't see her because he's been living in the smoke shop under quarantine.
	I don't know if he has something or he's worried he does.
	He doesn't want to give it to his daughter.
	Or maybe he's not even allowed out of the shop.
	But anyway, he's living at this smoke shop.
	These guys come in armed.
	They smash the window and it sounds really loud.
	They maybe used a baseball bat.
	He thought a car hit the building.
	He comes out, grabs his gun, his legal gun.
	They have fucking guns, and they're masked.
	They come into the store.
	He shoots them.
	He's in fucking prison right now, in jail.
	No bail, nothing.
	She thought a car hit the store.
	That's how loud it was.
	To Hamza, it sounded like a loud shotgun noise.
	The owner of the Arlington Smoke Shop says his employee, Hamza Abusharia, a father of two children who were not there, had been sleeping at the store to save money and to avoid the coronavirus after it hit his D.C. apartment property.
	Repeating what I just told you.
	Early Sunday morning, he says three burglars smashed this rock through his glass door in an attempt to steal cash and merchandise.
	From what he said, he has never been scared in his life like this.
	Arlington County police say Abusharia grabbed a gun in a back room, opened the door, and fired, went back in the room, and came out and fired again as the suspects were trying to run away.
	He hit a juvenile suspect who is expected to be okay.
	Now Abusharia faces multiple charges.
	You feel like you know that guy?
	Your webcam died.
	Owner Jawan Akrai is outraged, saying this was clearly self-defense.
	4:30 a.m., three masked men entering your home where you sleep.
	Put yourself in that position.
	Oh, so they weren't in the store, and he shot them running away.
	That's probably why he's in shit.
	By the way, that guy said he was born in America.
	Listen to his accent.
	Wait, I don't know.
	Didn't he not go back in the back room?
	From what he said, he has never been scared in his life like this.
	It's enough.
	He said that they were trying to get in, and as they were running away, he shot them.
	Okay.
	I think we're ready for the mailbag.
	I just really wanted to get that story in there because in the midst of all this bullshit, someone fucking does something courageous, and we pillory them.
	It's like they're letting all these criminals loose from Rikers.
	Oh, no, dude.
	No, he was sleeping in the back room, got up, went out into the sales area, shot, and then went back into the back room.
	Oh, but they just said that news thing they were running away.
	While they're running away, he also did try to.
	Yeah.
	Both are true.
	Um.
	Are we the mail?
	We are heading to the mail.
	Ryan, shut up.
	You don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	Um...
	I actually, that reminded me of a letter we got a long time ago.
	Oh, yeah, the mailbag song.
	She translated it for us into French.
	So, but you want to play that again?
	Okay.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait.
	Go back to the beginning.
	Okay.
	Go ahead.
	Ready, set.
	Ryan Tagal, tourna, pas de pe tournais, les jieu, fer le sac de courié à gavain.
	Tournant, sorry, not tournais, because it's new.
	Nu tournant.
	I love Quebecois.
	Ryan Tagal.
	You know what that means?
	Your gull is like your yap.
	And ferm tagal means shut your yap.
	But they've abbreviated it.
	This is Québecois, not French.
	And they just say Tagal, meaning your yap.
	So if you're talking and a French person wants to show up, they just basically say your yap.
	You know it's shut your yap.
	Up.
	That was fun from a fellow Quebecois.
	Who watches you every night and thinks you're hot as fuck.
	Oh, Jesus.
	Good for you.
	Sounds like she has the Samantha B husband disease.
	Okay.
	Ready?
	Yes.
	Ready for some letters from the bunker, these isolated peeps.
	Isolated peeps.
	This is from Jordan, and he hates that name, too.
	I'm sure I'm behind the times on Agrier Insight.
	I was going down a YouTube rabbit hole.
	No, we've already read that before.
	Lisa, why are you gay?
	You are gay.
	That's all she says.
	That's it?
	Yep.
	Okay.
	Why am I gay?
	I don't know.
	Well, I have a lot of gay traits.
	I like fashion.
	Me too.
	And interior design.
	I said, well, you ain't that straight.
	I think I like fashion because I'm English and the Brits are really into fashion.
	Like when an old curmudgeon Englishman comes to America, part of his to-do list will be like, I've got to go to Century 21 and look at some shirts.
	I've got some really nice shirts here.
	Or when the soccer hooligans would go to Italy and stuff for matches, they would have a day, they go a day early to shop because the Italians had such nice shirts.
	Gavin, wife coerced me into watching Love is Blind on Netflix, and I suggest you sit down and take it in.
	We've already got this fucking letter.
	This is from Craig.
	Hey, Gavin and Ryan.
	This is a good letter, finally.
	You talked about Jordan Peterson's daughter dating pretty much a pornographer pimp.
	Then say that being a douche will still get you a chick like her.
	Yeah.
	Facial tattoos, being a douche, being a pimp will get you chicks.
	Owen Benjamin goes into great detail about Jordan Peterson and his daughter and points out that she's fucking insane.
	She left her man and her daughter to go with that porno pimp.
	Ooh.
	She obviously has some issues.
	I guess she didn't get enough dick and is on a dick tour of Europe.
	Anyway, let me fuck you with my heels on from Saskatchewan, Canada.
	Craig, fun letter.
	Come on, I'm fucking sweating my balls off.
	You have balls?
	You have balls?
	Yeah.
	This is from Caitlin.
	Here's a new YouTuber that's going to get canceled.
	She's like Soph.
	Her name is Cringe Panda.
	You should check her out.
	Okay, I have checked her out.
	She's exactly like Soph and she's really cool.
	But yeah, it's only a matter of time because she doesn't support trans.
	Cringe Panda.
	Yeah.
	The panda cringe.
	This is from Steve.
	Hey, Sleepy Fists.
	Okay, first of all, I resent that.
	They're talking about the punches I gave at Deploraball when that Antifa guy said, you want to go?
	And I said, yeah, I want to go.
	I was wearing a tight tuxedo, and my overhand didn't seem very Floyd Mayweather-y.
	Yes, that's true when you wear a tight suit.
	Also, here's something you have to understand about watching people fight when they're amateurs.
	Fighting is not videogenic.
	And the only reason it looks good to you when you watch boxing is because you're looking at the top 1%.
	The top 1% of the boxes of doing 98% of the good fighting videos?
	Boxing doesn't look very good if you're not a pro.
	I got a better angle that the world hadn't seen until I released it to you.
	Remember that?
	Here it is.
	Is this me fighting?
	Yeah, this isn't my video.
	It actually looks better from that angle.
	Saw it?
	Nope.
	That's you.
	That was like five frames.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, whatever, Ryan.
	Better than the other angle.
	That looks like poo.
	Did you want to show Cringe Panda there?
	Oh, yes.
	I checked out her videos.
	They're really, really good.
	Soph, if you're watching, you should be shitting your pants.
	What's that, Muh, Vibrator?
	She doesn't talk about sex, does she?
	It's cultural diversity at school.
	I'm in a school district, and I'm putting my daughter Ashley.
	She starts her freshman year.
	And I really love the school.
	It's real progressive.
	There's a lot of high academics.
	They teach kids just not only the academics, but to have a social conscience about how important it is to recycle global warming, all of that.
	So I'm really excited about that.
	By the way, again, better than Seth Myers and Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien and Samantha B. Isn't it funny how they can't do our job, but we can do their job?
	It's sort of like when a girl doesn't want to fuck you and you find her repulsive, you're like, I don't want to fuck you either.
	Which reminds me of what I was telling you earlier.
	I wish I could remember the context for this, but I remember I was with a gay friend and he was stirring his coffee, just like, and there was this crazy bitch who was yelled at him and she said something insulting to him.
	And he was kind of taken aback.
	And in a split second, he just went, fuck off, you ugly bitch.
	I envy how quick he did that and how perfect it was.
	Don't try to be witty with insults.
	That's what I always tell my kids.
	If someone's teasing you at school, just say, fuck you, and shove them.
	Don't be like, well, yeah, well, your father fucking blah, blah, blah.
	All right, sorry.
	Sleepy Fists.
	I'm a graduate student earning my PhD in chemistry.
	That must be fucking hard.
	I know I say school is a waste of time, but I'm obviously not talking about STEM.
	And with chemistry, you've got labs and all kinds of shit you wouldn't normally have access to.
	Probably still better off interning at a place, but I totally get why you would take something as unbelievably hard as chemistry.
	Fuck.
	Remember taking chemistry in high school?
	I would just go, This might as well be a huge black cock in my face.
	I don't understand.
	I'm going to pass the flying colors.
	This isn't something that I can ever be a part of.
	I'm having a hard time finding this email.
	Is there something in there I got to click or go to?
	Or is it just text?
	The title is Bigotry of Low Expectations.
	I'm going chronologically down.
	I skipped a bunch because we had read them before.
	Anyway, I'm a graduate student, blah, blah, blah.
	Long story short, I always keep the concept of the bigotry of low expectations in the back of my head.
	So you think this is going to get racial, but it doesn't.
	I have sat through four PhD defenses, two men and two women.
	And the difference in questions asked after their presentation is astounding.
	By the way, scientists, you need to do a case study on slightly more than four.
	But I don't doubt that this is true.
	The women, from what I can tell, are lobbed easy softball questions so easy that you would have to be retarded not to answer correctly.
	The men, on the other hand, are grilled.
	Multiple hands go up, tougher questions are asked, and their presentation is more heavily scrutinized compared to the women.
	In both cases, the women cry after their presentation.
	Why?
	Meritocracy is dead in the sciences, at least, and definitely in chemistry.
	Any Hizzel, here is another example of how women have it easier than us guys, and the fact that they complain is reprehensible.
	Can you fuck me with your heels on?
	Let me fuck you with my heels on, yeah.
	By the way, I've noticed some people who sign their letters, fuck me with your heels on, spell it H-E-A-L-S.
	We are really reaching some new heights of illiteracy.
	But that's a very interesting letter.
	Thank you for that.
	And it kind of shows you what women in STEM really is.
	It's two separate classes.
	One is, hi, you want to play house?
	Come on in.
	It's like when I play foosball with my seven-year-old, I watch the score carefully, and I'm always like two up or three down, and then I always make sure he has a comeback and I let him win.
	When I play my wife or my 11-year-old or my 12-year-old, I'm just out to destroy them.
	And it's fun.
	It's a sport.
	So when those male chemists are being grilled, there's no animosity there.
	It's fun.
	It's like, let's really play.
	Now we're really having fun here.
	I'm going to grill you.
	I got some questions.
	In other words, my youngest isn't really playing foosball with me.
	He's learning how to play foosball.
	And these women with these PhDs aren't really becoming doctors.
	They are just playing a game and pretending.
	That's how guys talk to one another.
	This is an Out for Bud submission that we haven't showed, I don't believe.
	We're down to March 29th now.
	The subject is Re Out for Bud, and it's by a guy named Plush Television.
	What do we do with these?
	Make t-shirts?
	I get sticker packets.
	Ooh, that's a brilliant idea.
	Let me resize that.
	There you go.
	This one's great.
	Budweiser will sue us if we make stickers.
	I like that he's got the old-fashioned can.
	I could re-edit it.
	I'd just like to.
	No, that's fucking with someone's art.
	So that was awesome.
	Thank you, sir.
	Good job.
	Good job.
	Good job, sir.
	Hey, Gavin and Ryan, sending this along because it reminds me of my Scottish uncles, manly men who never get had.
	Well, this guy gets had.
	The video is short, cute, and worth a five-second chuckle.
	This is from Mark.
	He's over in Halifax.
	Five-second chuckle.
	My nickname in high school.
	This is a very old video.
	I've seen this a million times.
	Have you seen this?
	No.
	I don't believe so many of these guys in this video have kilts.
	What just happened?
	You'll see.
	Okay.
	So some guy's yelling, you fucking prick, because he's got a pipe and he's not shooting white powder flour on his face.
	And someone else tried it and they got flour all over them.
	He's pissed, of course.
	You're framing this weird.
	As usual.
	I miss British pubs.
	I don't know, I'm gonna kill you now, you Three minutes!
	I would be there as like a toddler.
	Look, he's already been blasted clearly.
	And they're saying, you just hold the top and you don't get any on your face.
	Oh, look, he's doing something there where he switched it.
	Did you see that?
	Really?
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's got a setting on it.
	It only works on super drunk guys.
	He's quoting on how to do it.
	Cotting on.
	You bastard.
	He just accepts defeat.
	Scotland!
	See you, people.
	Dude, what is that thing?
	Are you familiar with what that is?
	No, it's some dumbar trick.
	Oh, okay.
	Chinese finger trick.
	All right, that's enough letters for today.
	Let's go into some final videos.
	I was reminded in Lead Hills.
	It's the tallest town in Scotland.
	It basically started the modern world.
	There was a man there who decided, he didn't invent the steam engine, but he figured a way to put it on its side in a way that could facilitate mass production.
	As soon as that happened, we started to have factories.
	Then we had the Industrial Revolution.
	And the next thing you know, we have the Western world.
	Scotland also, of course, separated church and state.
	But John, what the fuck was his name?
	Anyway, a guy from Lead Hills.
	That's where my uncle lived growing up.
	My uncle's deed now.
	And I would go there all the time.
	And there was a great story there about how Tam the groundskeeper, they went, it was a coal mine.
	Lead Hills used to mine lead and coal.
	And they would get it up on top of a hill, I guess.
	And then there was a train tracks that would go down and deliver it to the trucks Or whatever in the village.
	And they were playing around and they got in one of these things while drunk and it started rolling.
	And then it started going over the hill.
	And they're plunging down at about 80 miles an hour because this thing didn't have any brakes, hurtling towards the town.
	And they pronounce the word Tom Tam in Scotland.
	And the guy in the front just turns back to Tamar and he goes, whataft Tam?
	It's become a saying in my family.
	But it reminded me a lot of this.
	This is some Glaswegians, 31, who are in a hot air balloon in China.
	They're going to die, and their attitude is...
	It's very Waraftam.
	Timecode relevant or no?
	Yes, Timecode is relevant, I believe.
	Go back.
	Oh, no.
	Go back.
	Go back to about here.
	Yeah.
	that's there.
	Here, go a little farther, maybe here.
	So they're hurtling towards the earth right now.
	I'm going to lose my camera.
	It's going to get wet.
	We're running somebody's rights crawl.
	Oh, and no, we're going to hit a dude's hut.
	Check, that's it.
	We're going to hit a dude's hut.
	We're going up again.
	Oh, we're going up again.
	Yo!
	He loves it.
	He has it.
	Give the smile.
	The tree.
	We're going into a tree.
	Oh, shit.
	Oh, shit, man.
	Spatching into a tree.
	Lapping your head off.
	Stuck in a tree.
	Stuck in a tree.
	They wrote a song called Stuck in a Tree.
	Stuck in a Tree.
	You'll never guess how we wrote that one.
	You are stuck in a tree.
	Oh no!
	Oh!
	I'm gonna put it!
	Oh!
	Jesus.
	I'm going to get nailed.
	I'm going to get nailed by the gas tank.
	Oh, don't.
	Look at it.
	You're going to burn it.
	That's fine.
	He knows what he's doing.
	I've got full faith in this guy.
	I've got full faith in this guy after they crash.
	All right, that's all we got time for today, folks.
	Tomorrow, of course, is live at 9 p.m.
	And until then, get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.
	I don't think I can do it.
	Addicted to her perfectly, I had to tell her.
	She like a fortune teller.
	Your ex-nigga did go down to that.
	She a killer and eaten, she a drip dumba.

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