Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E140 - FROM THE BUNKER： HUSTLERS [2020-03-23 - S02E140 - FROM THE BUNKER： HUSTLERS]

All Episodes

Previous Next

March 23, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:49:03

S02E140 - FROM THE BUNKER： HUSTLERS [2020-03-23 - S02E140 - FROM THE BUNKER： HUSTLERS]

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	Anyone follow you?
	I was not followed.
	Okay.
	Hi, everyone.
	We can't shoot in the studio this week, so we're going to shoot from the bunker.
	Come on in.
	Let's watch a movie.
	Ooh!
	Let's watch hustlers with the sound off, and we'll try to guess the plot.
	I have a feeling it won't be very difficult.
	Come on.
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin Mitchell.
	Get it!
	Wait, look at this.
	$400 on this thing.
	What?
	Buy from $7.99.
	Is that Constance Wu that you were talking about?
	Yep.
	Constance Wu.
	Okay, here we go.
	She's like Esther Koo.
	She doesn't look anything like Esther Koo, you racist.
	They don't all look the same.
	All right, volume going off.
	Yeah.
	So you're just going to enjoy us.
	This is not sort of like, what's that monster boat super robot theater?
	But without any of the volume.
	I love your logos.
	Thanks for showing us your logos.
	We'll take a note of that next time we make a blockbuster.
	We'll make sure we work with you.
	Hey, I saw your work.
	The fuck is that?
	Why is that a thing?
	Constant Wu is a two.
	That's not very cool looking.
	Oh, so they're starting in the middle, I guess.
	Constance Wu is a smoke show.
	I give her like an eight.
	In this movie, she looks like shiznit.
	She looks like a 5.8.
	Is this a not safe for work movie?
	Yes.
	Well, actually, I don't know.
	I saw most of it over someone's shoulder on the plane.
	And I don't remember like fox scenes, but there's a lot of sexy ladies.
	That's actually why I came up with this idea because it's just hot chicks moving around.
	And the plot is irrelevant.
	It's like candy, which is what strip clubs are.
	You know, you don't go there to get horny.
	The way I always defended strip clubs, because a lot of my friends hate them, is you're talking to your buddy, and there's just beautiful flowers going on in the background.
	this movie's the same way.
	And they're not flowers also.
	They're human beings.
	No, that's...
	Okay, I heard Constance Wu went to a bunch of strip clubs to practice for this.
	I'll probably.
	Cardi B loves strip clubs.
	Is she in this?
	She's a motherfucking goes to the bat room.
	Is she in this?
	Yes.
	Okay.
	And I think her lines include the word motherfucking.
	That's a good question about the airplane stuff, though.
	Are you allowed to watch things with nudity?
	Or do they have them available because there could be a child next to you or behind you?
	What the fuck is this?
	I've noticed my shit keeps doing this.
	This is a mutiny.
	All right, so there's probably some let...
	Some sort of a hip-hop trap.
	Or reggaeton.
	There's a sexy lady dancing around in the glass.
	I never really got those glass high heels.
	Why that's attractive to people.
	I'd rather have high heel high heels.
	Maybe if the high heel is obstructing a nipple or a butt, you can see through it so it doesn't actually...
	Okay, so you gotta go.
	You gotta go dance with her.
	Come on, I'm Constance Wu.
	a movie star that hated being on that Eddie Chow series Fresh Off the Boat.
	Now I'm finally...
	Fresh Off the Boat.
	I saw when they started including Asians more into pop culture.
	It happened really slow.
	It's clearly not going well.
	The guys sit and drink with their boss as a favor, and the girls just do porno where they hump dudes.
	See, this is the movie.
	It's just hot chicks humping dudes.
	But I think what's going to happen is she's probably going to...
	I think that she has a taste for ripping guys off, because first she's like, oh, I can just retrain his pocket.
	I think you're supposed to hate the dudes at this point.
	You're supposed to go, what a bunch of pigs.
	Meanwhile, that are supporting me.
	They're totally reverent.
	They adore women.
	They're super nice.
	They don't go, hey, hey, you stupid bitch.
	Oh, there's Cardi B. Just yanked her hair back.
	I bet Constance Ru that kind of pissed her off in the movie when they shot that.
	She was like, because she yanked her hair back?
	Oh, maybe.
	You have to do it that hard, you fucking bitch.
	Yeah, it is weird.
	I bet they're both bitches, Constance and Cardi.
	A lot of girls with the first letter C in their name are cunts.
	It's like their names in the city.
	Okay, so wait a minute.
	We know what's happening here, right?
	She gets the money.
	She has to trade it in for tokens, and he's like, yo, you come back Thursday.
	You've got to give me that money.
	It's a pretty good Dobb David off impression.
	And then you get your cut, and then she's counting your money, and she's realizing, fuck, I made like 200 bucks.
	Meanwhile, a stripper who looks like that, A, their laundry is way too fancy, but a stripper who looks like that, she's taking home some serious dime.
	Like $500.
	I get it now.
	The plot point they're putting in here is Constance, who is this hard-working family woman and not just some fucking slut cokehead.
	Look, she has a nice house in Queens.
	And she is probably a mom.
	And she's just trying to make a living, but you can't make a living stripping.
	There's no money in it.
	It's hard to be an honest, hard-working, blue-collar mom.
	This is total fucking horseshit.
	They're always some slut's daughter slut.
	They're never making money for their poor geriatric old poor crazy Asian.
	There might be an occasion.
	Here, mom, I get your money.
	Come on, let's see if she take it.
	It smells bad.
	It's so beautiful.
	You walk hard all day at the library teaching people astrophysics.
	This is such a lie.
	So this whole movie is justifying these women robbing men.
	But the true story of a stripper is they tend to be like, Yes, single moms, but living with their baby daddy or some other gang member or their mom.
	Not like that, not raising money for their mom.
	Their mom's fine.
	And yeah, this is just a horseshit lie.
	And then the idea that they're so poor, they're going broke.
	They have tons and tons of money.
	Okay, J-Lo is unbelievably hot in this movie.
	Really?
	Oh, I keep forgetting you're gay.
	I never had a thing for her.
	Oh, yeah?
	What about that?
	Have you got a thing for her?
	I've actually never seen her bare ass before.
	Just in, like, clothes.
	How old is she?
	She is 64.
	Okay, that's a lie.
	She's a grandma.
	And my balls are her grandkids.
	And it's time that they came to visit.
	It's time to play.
	You're spending the weekends at Granny.
	What happens if Granny stays at Granny's?
	That's a very attractive young lady.
	Old lady.
	This is kind of the whole point of the movie, by the way.
	Like, what percentage of this film's popularity is seeing J-Lo strip?
	A good amount.
	At least of it.
	Even for Constance Wu.
	Even Constance Wu is like, this is the whole movie right here.
	Kweef.
	People pay good money for Kweefs these days.
	Yeah, that's a $5 bill right there.
	Remember the movie Striptease?
	No.
	Really?
	It was with that, I forgot her name, but she was like a curly-haired, half-black chick that was really big.
	Okay, so, I don't know.
	So this is establishing that she is the rock and roll Vince Neal, Motley Crew, super stud, bang, bang, bang.
	Look at my ass.
	She's the dominant alpha of the strip club.
	Established.
	Constant moves in awe.
	By the way, as a cheap Scott, this kind of scene always bothers me.
	Because I'm like, how is this getting swept up?
	Aren't there some that are falling down in the cracks?
	Like after the Tyson Fury-Dionte Wilder fight, I think it was, they showed strip clubs that were just full of money.
	Like the floors had...
	I forget.
	Some big fight.
	Post Malone spent like 50 grand.
	And you could see the floor was carpeted with bills.
	Look at her.
	She's got money.
	Everyone at Strip Club has money.
	If you're not fat and ugly and in Buffalo, New York, you make tons of money.
	This is such a bullshit lie.
	Look at her.
	This is like right out of Cats, the musical.
	Yeah, look how it's very glamorous.
	Look at this square body.
	Hi.
	For some reason, we're on top of a residential building.
	We left the strip club, I guess.
	I'm square and I waddle.
	And I'm one of the elite Asians that I look like that.
	Can I smell your beef?
	You can't already?
	Hold on a second.
	Come here, take a whiff.
	Come on, smell it.
	I'm just kidding.
	I smelled it before I opened the door.
	That's how I knew you were up here.
	It's very lowbrow of you to do an Asian accent for Constance Wu.
	How do you think I found you?
	Look at her bangs.
	How does she talk?
	What is that?
	It's total tard bangs.
	After a certain point in a strip club, I remember being like, you know, the fancy moves, I was like, that's all unnecessary.
	And it's like they take this way too seriously, and they take it like it's an art.
	It's cool getting a lot of stuff.
	Getting some gay perspective on strip clubs.
	Okay, so this is like Lady and the Tramp.
	This is every Disney cartoon, right?
	So the Alpha Ace cat is sitting there, and she's like, wow, you were so good at singing for your supper and getting fish here in this alleyway.
	I want to get fish.
	Well, you should be able to do it.
	All you got to do is be a cute cat and purr, and they give you milk and fish and kibbles and bits.
	I want kibbles and bits, nigga.
	Oh, we got more than kibbles and more than bits, girl.
	I guess.
	I don't think I'm good enough, though.
	Well, we have to work on you and turn you into a hustler.
	I hate this movie already.
	I hate this concept.
	I'm working so hard just to make ends meet.
	This was in the news recently where there was some woman saying, I had to do it because I was working so hard just to make ends meet.
	And she was doing some horrendous crime, some like grand larceny type thing.
	And it was like, well, she had to.
	Fuck, I can't remember that.
	It was a long past time ago.
	So establishing that they're friends.
	I'm going to teach you how to hustle.
	We're going to steal.
	Someone went to prison for this.
	And the subtext here, this is sort of like the movie Kitchen, where they become Westies.
	And they take advantage.
	I mean, sorry, they were getting abused, they were getting mistreated, and then they become the Westies and they shoot everyone.
	So they make up a lie, and the lie is that strippers are broke, and all these guys are getting to exploit them for nothing.
	Meanwhile, we just saw them literally drowning in money.
	And, okay, not drowning, literally swimming in money.
	And we're supposed to believe that poor Constance is just trying to make ends meet.
	And then in the movie, they go over the top with Yves Saint-Laurent, Chanel.
	They're buying all this fucking $10,000 shoes.
	So, wait, I thought you were just trying to help out your money.
	Also here is an interview.
	There's an update, right?
	2014.
	Now she's sane because she doesn't have bangs.
	I'm not a slut anymore.
	I grew my bangs out.
	So they must be investigating the hustle.
	Is she about to get arrested?
	Yeah, right?
	FBI doesn't ask you after the arrest.
	It said 2014.
	What was the established date of the footage we're watching now?
	Well, they showed us at the beginning.
	It was like 2011 or something.
	Oh, okay.
	They're just hanging.
	It'd be cool to be a janitor there because you could fucking get to see them for free.
	Actually, it's not that bad as trip clubs, right?
	If you don't want to throw money, you don't have to throw money.
	If you don't want to lap dance, you obviously don't have to.
	And then the beers, yes, the beers are maybe two, three dollars more expensive than normal beers.
	Problem is you can't go when you have a daughter.
	Because when you see them Up on stage, all you can think about is their dads.
	Yeah, it's pretty bad.
	And how they fucked up somewhere down the line.
	I wonder if Constant Move's dad thinks that when he sees this movie.
	That's what I'm saying.
	They kind of approach it if it's like ballet or something after a certain point.
	They're like, look at this move.
	Yeah, that seems to be the subtext so far that they're just talented dancers who I really appreciate it.
	Oh, cool, look.
	I'm part of the stage Has she never tried a stripper pole before?
	Why is she going, yay!
	He's so crazy.
	There's nothing wrong with that.
	Wait a minute.
	What has this got to do with hustling dudes?
	Well, this is their craft.
	This is all a waste of time.
	Jennifer Lopez has the hookups.
	So she gets the call from the billionaire guys, the finance dudes.
	Then Constant Wu shows up, and they're going to go, yep, she's hot.
	We're happy.
	They're not going to say, hold on a sec, before you come to my hotel room, I have to see you spin around the pole.
	Yeah.
	That's true.
	Oh, there's Cardi B, motherfucker.
	What you motherfucker doing, you fucking bitch fucking girls fucking hanging out, motherfucker.
	She's like, I know your name is Constant Wu, but that's what they give me when I'm on stage.
	A constant woo.
	You gonna be my constant boo.
	Oh, damn, girl.
	That's how you do it.
	They're all just dykes, huh?
	Constance Wu is so sexless.
	Like, you can tell Jennifer Lopez is libidinous.
	She has sexuality.
	Cardi B obviously goes way too far until she's basically a dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	She has a boner, basically.
	But Constance Wu, she's like that cyber droid Sophie.
	I am here too.
	Hi, I am enjoying stripping.
	I'm a total whore.
	I have a baseball cap, and I'm still looking exactly like Nikki Minaj.
	What is with that?
	This movie is so fucking shallow, hence two guys being able just to watch it and follow the whole plot.
	So they're dazzling her.
	Cardi B's edgy.
	Now Constance was wondering, do I have what it takes to be a Puerto Rican man?
	Yeah, basically.
	A blood?
	Isn't Cardi B a blood?
	She's in the bloods.
	Oh, I can hear them, yeah.
	Oh, sorry.
	It's okay.
	Jennifer Lopez is a very attractive lady.
	Although her chin's a little too good.
	You know?
	Lopez?
	Yeah.
	Let me see that shiny.
	Sometimes when chicks are super hot in that way, like the other one, this one here, they look like handsome men.
	They're handsome, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, I don't like that Victoria's Secret.
	Oh, there's Lizzo.
	Got the flute ready to ram up her coochie.
	Constance Wu.
	Here's another annoying thing about this movie.
	Constance Wu is like this fish out of water going, oh, it's so glamorous.
	Everyone is so crazy.
	You've already been a stripper forever.
	Right.
	I mean, I shouldn't say that.
	There's been so many flashbacks.
	I can't tell if this is her first day ever in a strip club.
	And by the way, who the fuck is throwing dollars at Lizzo?
	Have you ever seen a...
	People with really kind hearts.
	Blind guys and sweethearts.
	Have you been to strip clubs?
	Do you go to strip clubs?
	I've been to strip clubs maybe three times total.
	One not too long ago.
	I have never seen anyone remotely close to Lizzo there.
	And I've been to strip clubs like in upstate New York.
	Trucker stops, really sad ones.
	Look at her.
	And Constance Wu is playing nothing.
	She's like a sexy piece of paper.
	Oh, that chick with the ugly schnauz was kind of convincing.
	It's the only bit of realism we've seen so far.
	Can we get some tits, please?
	Why is everyone in a bikini in this strip?
	There we go.
	We got one.
	I like the dude.
	Dildo's long nails and major.
	Dildo.
	Dildos are empowering.
	She's still going.
	She shows her dildo, and then 10 seconds later, she's still going, I use it.
	I use it.
	Here's a cake for a National Slut Day.
	You bitch, you give us that cake every day.
	Yeah, because you're always sluts.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Man, this is making me feel bad for women.
	How long is she going to be enamored with this?
	Right.
	This whole movie could be a short.
	It could be a really cool Sundance short that's like 12 minutes.
	Okay, so they're finally moving up to the big leagues.
	That happened quick.
	Take an eye turn.
	Holy shit.
	Her neck says sexy.
	How retarded is that?
	She has a diamond choker that says sexy.
	Actually, J-Lo is starting to get a little too masculine for me.
	She's drifting into the tranny zone.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, broad shoulders.
	Look at that chest.
	That's a dominant man.
	The cow catcher chin.
	She looks like a gorgeous hunk.
	With mild.
	Look at the animosity that is put towards this guy.
	Right.
	Fucking fat white men, disgusting pigs.
	He has those Dexter brand shoes on from Payless that I've purchased and I'm ashamed of.
	What a dick.
	Again, see, this is the movie right here.
	It's just like wallpaper.
	Two critters.
	Crittery wallpaper.
	Enjoying each other.
	She has a double bra?
	She just took a bra off.
	There's still a bra.
	Yeah, they do that in New York.
	Because they can't strip.
	So women will have a bikini on and then they'll take off their top and have a top on, which looks ridiculous.
	Right, right.
	Okay, so the guys go out.
	We're supposed to hate these guys, I guess.
	Didn't they come back from work?
	Do you know what time you have to get up if you work in finance and you work at Chinese markets?
	You have to get up at 4 a.m. at the latest.
	You're at work by 6.
	You train in from the suburbs.
	Was this Cardi B being a professional?
	No.
	That would be fucking hilarious if it was.
	By day, she's a secretary in finance.
	Wait, what's he watching?
	Was that a porno?
	I feel like we have to know that detail.
	Sorry, he used to be some kind of mob guy.
	So he's got some special.
	Sorry, sorry, sorry.
	God, I hate guys like me.
	It's like a Richard Jenny tip?
	Sorry, we went way too far back.
	But I swear to God, I just went reverse play.
	And it takes so long to react.
	Can we...
	When I had a VCR, okay, what's on the TV?
	Hi, you got a message?
	Hey, you see this TV?
	Oh, it is porn.
	Oh, yeah.
	Okay, so you're getting the subtext here?
	Are you getting the moral of the story?
	Direct.
	Men are pigs.
	We're disgusting pigs.
	We make tons and tons of money that we don't deserve, and all these poor girls want is a piece.
	And we keep throwing all this infinite money in their face, and eventually they go, you know what?
	I'm going to take a little bit extra because my grandma needs a new hip.
	And we're taking away their dignity because look how depressed they are behind the scenes when they're getting ready, flopping dildos and cakes around and laughing at Lizzo with their cunts wide open.
	This is a bummer.
	So the fat dude and him personify the disgusting white man that need to be taken down a peg.
	Meanwhile, I know guys in finance, they're all workaholics.
	You get up in the dark, you come home in the dark, you don't see your wife and kids, you bust your ass.
	Yes, sometimes they go to strip clubs and go out for big stick dinners.
	Usually it's with a client, and they have to kiss his ass.
	Now, some of these super-rich workaholic dudes may have got a lap dance or two.
	God forbid.
	It's not my cup of tea, but God forbid.
	And this doesn't make them villains, and it doesn't justify drugging and taking their money.
	These girls are well paid for this.
	Can't believe I'm defending this fucking guy.
	That's the fucked up thing about this SJW clown world is it makes us defend creeps that we would normally not get along with.
	But just because he's a stereotypical, you know, movie creep like a jock in some porky's animal house type movie doesn't mean I'm going to jump on board when you shit on him.
	It's like when they make jokes about your mom.
	I'll make fun of my mom.
	Don't you fucking dare.
	He just put down a grand to see mosquito bites.
	Yeah.
	He's like, I can Google that, but I'm being nice.
	That's $250 per shitty tit.
	These are coming off.
	Oh, just do it already.
	Yeah, this is such a valuable thing.
	That's my problem with infinite teasing.
	You're like, yeah, that's hot.
	That's awesome.
	But do it already.
	Like, I can't get full on appetizers, so let's have a bowl of spaghetti.
	So, yeah.
	Oh, there's more boobs.
	Wait, we're showing pornography on our sensor.tv.
	That's a new one.
	NSFW.
	All right.
	So they made a bunch of money from those two guys, right?
	And I guess she bought her some boots and their sexy boots.
	Oh.
	Wait, this is just...
	Like they have an appointment with somebody very important, but they have their period and they didn't expect it to come that day.
	That happened to me once.
	We were at a strip club and we go to the bathroom to do some bumps.
	And there's a Goomba with white track pants, and he has a red dot on his thigh.
	He's got the old Japanese flag.
	No, look, they're doing the pretty woman thing where it's like, you don't belong here.
	And then they walk in, they buy Louis Vuitton, whatever.
	Okay, if these stores are such snobs about people of color and blah, blah, blah and prostitutes, and they know thugs are a major part of their income.
	That's where when you look at Gucci ads and Yves Laurence, they have rapper like Aesop Rocky and stuff.
	They fully understand and embrace the trash quotient that buys their shit.
	So that's bullshit.
	But yeah, he had a red dot.
	So they've gone shopping.
	By the way, wait a minute.
	See, this is like this guy, this movie has to be written by a woman because they've already abandoned the plot.
	The plot was, I'm just trying to make ends meet.
	It's so hard.
	And it looks like they just want to live it up.
	And then they get some money and it doesn't go to grandma's hip.
	It goes to their hips.
	Yeah, they're shaming men's vices, but meanwhile, totally embarking in their own materialistic vices.
	By the way, J-Lo, the moral of the story is you should dress trashy for the rest of your life.
	You look fucking fantastic.
	Only shop on, what's that street that's at the bottom of the Lower East Side that the Williamsburg Bridge empties onto?
	Delancey.
	Only shop on Delancey from there.
	It's all like rock-a-wear.
	I always tried to get my wife to shop there, and she was like, fuck, I don't want to wear that shit.
	Like a fur skin hood, rock-a-wear parka that ends here.
	Yeah, and it says Bebe on it.
	Yeah, it shows your belly.
	Yeah.
	But it's a winter coat.
	That is a fun.
	Or the Timberland high-heel shoes, you know those?
	I've seen those.
	Yeah, with the furs coming out.
	Yeah, I love that.
	I love that shit.
	Skin tight jeans, hoop earrings.
	Yeah, that is cool.
	It's hard to get a non-Puerto Rican a dress like that.
	Yeah.
	Ho-chunks, it's even harder.
	Upper-middle-class Ho-Chunks are not into this look.
	But what is evident so far is that the men's vices is women, but they're supporting women when they spend their money.
	And what women do when they get the money from the guys is they're just buying from Louis Vuitton, who doesn't need any money.
	It doesn't have a dying mom or whatever the fuck that they're trying to support.
	Yeah, you're welcome, by the way.
	Yeah.
	White men make everything you're wearing.
	And you're sending your money to France or some shit.
	And what's he got on there?
	Now I'm rich and happy.
	Now, by the way, how many fucking ghetto clean strippers that hang out with Cardi B now live in Scarsdale?
	The ones that commit an investment banker.
	Yeah.
	The criminals.
	Honey, I'm going to be a little late for our brunch today.
	I'm going to be a little late for hot yoga.
	Oh, you're on your Pedalton Peloton?
	No, I have to talk to the FBI about when I was a fucking extortionist, drug-dealing, psychopathic thief with Cardi B. Oh, and a whore.
	I'm sorry.
	I forgot.
	I forgot to throw that one in.
	Is she happy now?
	Who's yelling at?
	Are they happy?
	It looks so.
	Oh, no, they're both happy.
	So there's no drugs in their life.
	Like, they're not incorporated.
	Well, that's the other major case.
	No nudity, no sex, and no Coke.
	There would be so much Coke if this was remotely accurate.
	Like, that book would just be a mountain of Coke.
	Under her bangs.
	Yeah.
	Taped Coke to her forehead.
	They would have to carry a wet facecloth to constantly be wiping it off their nose, and I'm not even exaggerating.
	She has Coke pasties.
	Look, I bet this guy's a bumbling fool.
	Hi, I just think you're really pretty, and I'm kind of nervous right now.
	And then she thinks he's sweet.
	And then Jennifer Lopez is going to show up and say, stop talking to the nerds.
	We have to be alphas.
	We have to eat them for breakfast.
	Or he's super nice and sweet.
	And then he says something like, can I eat your poo?
	Or can you burn your nipples with a match?
	Or can I?
	I'm going to be too forward, but do you have a glass tabler on here I could lay under?
	And you do know, you know what?
	Can you dress up like a little kid and pee on me?
	Something horrible where you just, oh my God, terrible tits.
	Look at that.
	That was a flap tail.
	Pizzas.
	This looks like a foot.
	It looks like a heel.
	She's got a heel tit.
	Wow, are you the producer's daughter's friend?
	How do you get into a nude movie with pizzas?
	Yeah.
	Exploit your pancakes.
	Hi, I'm happy.
	Uh-oh.
	So, what's happening here now?
	Are they prostitutes?
	She's meeting someone?
	She's concerned.
	I went to a hotel in New York where you could, there was all these older dudes and you could see young girls with them.
	Wait, is that his girlfriend?
	I'm lost.
	I don't know.
	They're together.
	Glamour.
	Kardashians.
	Wait a minute.
	That was a subtle little victim moment.
	Did you catch that?
	They showed the Kardashians TV again to elicit sympathy for these girls to say, they live in a world where they're bombarded with glamour and glitz.
	It's almost like they're forced to rob men and take all their shit.
	So right now, I guess J-Lo's been doing this for a while because she's playing the woman who had done it for a while.
	By the way, by it, we mean roofing dudes and taking all their stuff.
	Getting them to go to an ATM and emptying their bank account.
	So she's making pretty good money stripping.
	I have to get a Cadillac.
	Because rap says so.
	Just like a pimp, she's seducing Constance into loving the lifestyle, and then she can really hit her with, we got to drug them now.
	Here's how they should have done this movie.
	They should have made Jennifer Lopez evil.
	Like the drink.
	no she's just I haven't seen this movie by.
	There's no dynamic movie.
	So maybe she is super evil?
	Maybe, yeah.
	And then they should have made...
	You ever seen this?
	I am Lizzie.
	I'm not making a lot of money tonight.
	Is there something wrong?
	Imagine you're at a strip club and Lizzo comes up.
	Hey, you want a lap dance?
	I'm gay.
	You're actually making the same amount of It's just bigger.
	So it looks like less.
	I'm trying to stuff a dollar bill into your panties, but the seam is actually under your folds.
	I can't get to the waistline.
	Oh, that's the only moment I've regretted not having volume.
	Actually, maybe we could cheat.
	To see what Dob Davidoff said?
	To see what Cardi Kardioff said.
	I wonder if Lizzo snuck a song in there.
	Or J-Lo snuck a song.
	Or Cardi B snuck a song in there.
	Sorry, guys.
	oh Come on, volume.
	You hear me?
	Ding
	Oh, it's Britney, bitch.
	Did you hear that?
	If I didn't make any market fucking money today, I'm going to make your life a fucking hell, bitch.
	Cardi B memorized all her lives.
	Yeah.
	Isn't it funny how...
	From all the years that she's lived before.
	I'm gonna get you some food when I get off.
	I'm gonna rub your back, give you some pussy, blow the back, all right?
	Are those the boyfriends?
	Get the fucking kids.
	All you do is get your dick sucked by the new bitches, you fucking idiot.
	Jobs David, I was like, dude, I had a comedy special presence.
	Like, that was pretty good.
	I don't know who that is.
	Really?
	The comedian?
	That's the one who said, why does it look like gay guys always smell like fresh baked cookies?
	You know?
	That's a good line.
	It's hilarious.
	Oh, my.
	We're watching Jurassic Park.
	I think we're watching that.
	Did she get liposuction they went too high up?
	That cartoon where Sasha Baron Cohen says is a lemur monkey.
	What's that?
	The Ben Stiller one where they escape?
	Anyway, terrible drawn-out hypothesis, Madagascar.
	Sorry, I blew it.
	Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
	Is this Usher?
	Usher's such a badass.
	Imagine you're at a club and two guys walk in wearing sunglasses.
	You'd be embarrassed for them.
	Especially if they walk in and they're going like this to everyone.
	How is Usher's side of his head so recognizable?
	Dancing.
	This is the movie right now.
	Right.
	Why Lizzo is included in it, I will never understand.
	It's like a fractal.
	There was hiding her.
	Every moment before and after, it's just like a trail.
	And when was the last time you went to a strip club and there were just 13 girls all dancing together with one fat black one in the back wearing a Santa Claus bathrobe?
	Yeah, that's not seasonal.
	One time I was at a Vegas and Steve Harvey walked in wearing a Zoot suit.
	Do you know what a Zoot suit is?
	Yeah, it's like the pinstripe?
	Yeah, it's like the pimp look of the 1930s.
	Yeah.
	Because textiles were rare because they were using them for the war.
	And so if you had extra textiles, like your tails went down to your heels, then you were being, you know.
	Oh, shit.
	2008.
	You were being ostentatious.
	News just in.
	Wait a minute.
	We haven't seen them drug anyone yet.
	Are they already getting arrested?
	That's Brian Williams.
	Is he the guy whose daughter's ass got eaten out on HBO?
	Daughter's ass eaten out HBO.
	Yeah, I think it was.
	No.
	He's the guy who lied about New Orleans and said there's bodies floating down the river.
	I think he also lied about...
	This fake war story where his helicopter almost got shot at or something.
	Wasn't that Hillary who said that?
	Both.
	No, he did.
	Yeah, Brian Williams definitely did.
	So what's the matter?
	Is Constant Wu pregnant?
	I guess she dumped him if she's all fancy at the end, right?
	Unless he invented a new pet rock.
	Oh, they already had a baby?
	Oh, this is how far are they flashing?
	2011.
	Oh my God, you really got to stay on top of the dates here.
	So it was 2008 when we...
	Now it's 2011?
	Uh-oh, the reason I got this was to show you how easy it would be to follow.
	But now I'm confused by the news because I thought we're ramping up to them drugging people and then drugging finance guys and then taking their money.
	Oh, she moved out of the house with her poor old mom?
	Wait, what's this?
	Is that a baby?
	Oh, shit.
	A baby came out?
	That's a 2011 baby.
	Oh, so that was the, that was, her boyfriend and her had a baby.
	And that was it.
	Oh, this is a little sort of segue.
	When we turn on the volume, they're showing Cardi B and her boyfriend and all the girls and their boyfriends.
	So we're taking a timeout to show their love lives.
	In other words, this movie's made for chicks.
	That's really the struggle.
	She's just love love.
	Oh, she likes Chubby McGee.
	Oh, that's who she married.
	So he didn't say, can you poo on me?
	Huh.
	Or can you poo on me for the rest of my life?
	I'll be the luckiest man in the world.
	Hey, I'm rich and I love you.
	Sorry, ladies and strip clubs.
	The finance guys don't marry you.
	But the finance guys do marry the biggest slut available.
	They just don't go as low as stripper.
	Oops.
	Wait, what?
	You cannot be with me forever?
	Wait, I don't understand you.
	Like, verbally, like, I don't speak very well.
	Wait, you have an indoor poo?
	No, I want you to poo on me indoors.
	I can't do that.
	Girls don't poo.
	That's it.
	That's why I asked, because I knew it was bullshit.
	Bubblegum comes out, right?
	Like a cube a month?
	Yeah, that's it.
	That's a secret.
	I'm not supposed to tell you.
	But that's how bubblegum is made.
	Anyway, I gotta go.
	Indoors.
	Fuck, I'm gonna get in so much trouble.
	She's a good one.
	From the national girl community.
	Good thing I don't have to change diapers, though.
	I have a girl.
	All I gotta do is cross them off my list because it's free.
	Look at her.
	She looks absurd.
	This is how gay men see women.
	I feel nasty.
	That looks absurd?
	Yeah.
	She looks the prettier she looked, I thought.
	What?
	She looks ridiculous with her big fake eyelashes.
	Oh, I see.
	It looks like a little kid dressed up as a lady for Halloween.
	She looks like she has lips for once in this entire movie.
	Yips.
	Yips.
	Hello.
	I'd like to get a legit job.
	I'm totally lost here.
	Maybe I was wrong to assume I could follow this movie with no volume on.
	Is she still a stripper?
	Is that the FBI?
	Is she getting a legit job?
	She's dressed kind of fancy.
	And why doesn't she have neck tattoos if she's a stripper from Queens?
	I don't believe that shit.
	Nobody got time for that.
	Nobody got time for no neck tattoos.
	So she wants to work retail.
	What happened to them ripping off dudes?
	She was working in retail.
	Oh, I know what's going on.
	Selling puss.
	I'm tuned in.
	Okay, I got it.
	This is what's going on.
	she she got more legit no she's still doing Hold on, hold on.
	Okay, so she would do the lap dances and stuff and those private room things.
	And that had her making, like, let's say, 65, 70 grand a year.
	So she became like a middle-class person.
	She and her boyfriend had a kid.
	But now...
	They had to rob dudes to pay for their middle class lifestyle now.
	So she's saying, I guess I'll get a job in retail.
	And that girl's making her sit up.
	That girl's a bitch.
	I went to bitch to her, which.
	What the f- I don't really.
	What was her face?
	It was just a straight line from her forehead to her nose.
	That was crazy.
	I kind of want to see that again, but that was crazy.
	Okay, we can do that.
	Yeah, that looked like an exceptions.
	It looks like a Disney Pixar animal.
	I'm going to try to go rewind play as fast as possible.
	Now, they've been hiding Constant Wu's ass because I have a suspicion that it doesn't exist.
	I did play.
	I did play.
	It's crazy.
	So we get some feet.
	She's got some nice toes.
	She sleeps with a Sleeps with a Dante Nero earring.
	Who is taking care of her kid in the day?
	Okay, I'm trying to get to your plate face moment.
	It's pretty dramatic, so the one that kicks her out.
	Okay.
	What I saw was like Dr. Seuss level crazy face.
	Yeah, this one coming in.
	Basically.
	Is it the one that Jordan Peele married?
	Yeah, Chelsea Brady.
	When she turns, she's got a schnauz on her.
	It's bananas.
	Maybe I can go frame by frame.
	Did I just skip it?
	I don't know.
	I think I just skipped it.
	Should we give up?
	Yeah.
	There's a thing where you can go frame by frame.
	I think you were doing it.
	Oh, shit.
	I just skipped a whole fucking chapter, basically?
	Yes, it's just...
	Wait, now I'm totally lost.
	Oh, shit.
	What have I done?
	Is this a flash forward?
	Yeah, there's a flash forward.
	Now she's working at Old Navy.
	Old Navy?
	Yeah.
	I call La BS.
	Yeah, we have to really skip now because now we're watching it backwards.
	Yeah.
	Well.
	Is there a skip chapter?
	Yeah, but I don't think it really matters.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's the point here.
	I just said it as if I was invested into the events of this film.
	So she still got her neck thing on?
	Yes, this is the same time.
	By the way, they never wear all this shit.
	They just have like bikini and nude.
	And then J-Lo's like, hey, Constance is sad.
	What's going on, Constance?
	And then she goes, I'm having trouble raising a daughter as a stripper.
	Yeah.
	I mean, when you build a society, you don't really want to say, all right, most, let's make a society where single moms are strippers and they're doing great.
	It's not really.
	Yeah, it's kind of built into this step of success where you're not supposed to be.
	Doctors who save lives, you want them to be comfortable.
	And as you'll notice, if you do make a living off of this, your value will kind of go down as your old navy person.
	She works at Old Navy, right?
	Are we fast-forwarded?
	We fast-forwarded.
	So they're like, we got to make some serious money, man.
	I need to pay my bills.
	You can't do it.
	Pay my telephone bills.
	Pay my automobiles.
	And then, by the way, another song on that same album is All the Women Who Are Independent.
	Put Your Hands Up.
	Wait, so you're quoting Chald Pepper?
	Destiny's Chul.
	Nice repertoire.
	Can you pay my bills?
	Can you pay my telephone bills?
	So we need to make some money, girl.
	I'm struggling.
	I don't know what to do.
	I feel like I have no future.
	I'm stuck here in Queens.
	This is supposed to be the city of dreams.
	The streets are paved with gold.
	They ain't paved with no gold.
	They ain't paid with shit.
	I mean, it's not as bad as India, where they literally are paid with shit.
	God damn it.
	What are we going to do?
	Look how terrible Constance Woo looks.
	My hands are sticky.
	She was hired by the National Yellow Fever community to cure men obsessed with Asian chicks.
	Yeah, I don't get those people.
	AKA gamers.
	AKA white nationalists.
	Nazis always end up with some Asian girl.
	That was weird.
	Okay.
	That's a decent boom.
	Those are both booms.
	I think those are the same boobs we've had the whole movie, by the way.
	It's just one chick that they got to sign off.
	Yeah.
	They're just getting their money's worth out of each tit.
	Trish!
	You're up.
	My tits are getting hypothermia.
	I can't feel them anymore.
	One of them's gone blue.
	They look like a little boy's lips who's been swimming too long.
	So you know how strippers work at Old Navy, especially the top alpha stripper of the whole club?
	What is Lizzo Moonlight as?
	I hope she has a pop career writing songs about getting dumped.
	Good point.
	Hey, that's Neon Joe.
	Remember I showed you him?
	No.
	It's that stupid show on Adult Swimming where he's a werewolf?
	Yeah, that's John Glazer.
	That's my friend.
	Right, yeah, that's right.
	That's the guy who dumped me for Trump.
	He said, this guy said to me, this is the dishwasher guy, right?
	You should show each other.
	This is the guy who said to me, we know this time was coming sooner or later.
	But it's over.
	And he always plays the same guy, like a douche, rock and roll, monster truck, guy who doesn't understand women or problems.
	Well, now he's a old Navy supervisor.
	All right, so I think in this movie's defense, something big happened when we saw Brian Williams.
	Like he said, strip...
	Strippers are an hour.
	No, he probably said the private dance rooms have been banned.
	Oh, oh, oh, right.
	So now they're just down to normal stuff.
	because that hasn't happened.
	There hasn't been a scene She's like, and they're like, maybe do you want to remove your slut piercing?
	I will concede while I was talking about how predictable this movie is, that I am confused about why they're broke right now.
	Because look, wait, we're back to this tripper room.
	Okay, yeah, now I'm confused.
	So these rooms are still existing.
	So what were they bitching about?
	Why were they broke?
	Like, you make $500 a night.
	Dignity is making a small comeback.
	Say you work five nights a week, right?
	500 times 5 is $2,500 a week times 100 weeks, right, is 250 grand.
	So times 50 weeks is 125 grand.
	You're making 125 grand a year.
	Well, you got to take away.
	You're a very successful businessman.
	You have to take away 12 weeks out of the year for periods.
	No, I don't.
	Oh, I didn't finish the story.
	Yeah.
	So the guy has a red dot on his white sweatpant.
	Oh, look, that's what she just did.
	It's funny you were saying that.
	As you were saying that, she was cutting a string off a tear corner.
	Oh, shit.
	Then you stick it up in there, and then I guess you have to fish it out when it's time to go.
	Or somebody else.
	Look at the plot here.
	The indication is that she was crying because she can't work that night and she won't be able to, what, buy bread?
	If your life depends on $200.
	They're turning this into like a Christmas carol.
	Ebenezer Scrooge owns a strip club.
	horror of future present of the ghost of I Is that too much to ask?
	You are the ham.
	Twirls her hair.
	All right, these are creeps, right?
	Italian businessman.
	Oh, those fucking pigs.
	So he's got a Japanese drinking scotch.
	You know what I think?
	This trope is so ubiquitous that women can't finally bust their ass, they become workaholics to get in to this world of mariner, by the way?
	I don't know.
	They showed his wedding ring, dumbass.
	His watch was on display, though.
	Right, but the point of the scene was his wedding ring.
	So that they bust their ass.
	And then they get into this world because they think it's all like madmen, and they go, wait, we're staying in all weekend to work on this expense report, this proposal for this merger?
	I have to see my kids.
	They're playing baseball.
	No, it's not a Samara.
	And they don't realize that these guys are letting off steam after working a 70-hour week.
	It's not this.
	This is not the norm.
	Being a successful New York businessman is not all about martinis.
	It's about all-nighters.
	God, I wish the word martini sounded like all-nighters.
	That would have been better.
	It's not about apple teenis.
	It's about all-nighters.
	It's not about martinis.
	It's about martinis.
	Anyway, so those girls just had a long talk about how they need to make more money.
	They're sick of working at Old Navy, right?
	Apple teenis.
	But I just worked out that they gross $125,000 a year.
	You had a problem with periods.
	I explained that they just cut the string off.
	They just showed it to us as you were saying that, by the way.
	And I still have to finish my period story.
	So we're in the bathroom, and this Goomba has white sweatpants on, and he's got a paper towel.
	He's washing them like that.
	You see what they just did?
	Is that Coke?
	Yeah, they did finally show Coke.
	But I think they're also giving him roofies.
	And they just made him sign his credit card bill.
	See that?
	They use his hand.
	And they put two papers behind it.
	Oh, I didn't know.
	So he could sign the bottom one?
	Right.
	As well as the top?
	Oh, I get it.
	Great.
	Now we can drink for free.
	Oh, the bar probably gives him a cut.
	Oh, so that she sees his gross sneakers and she's like, no, thanks.
	Oh, I see.
	So this is how they spot high rollers.
	Right.
	Wow.
	So they would find me because I spend my money so retardedly, and then they would find out that I have about $25 a month.
	Yeah, they'd go back to your apartment and see fucking laundry all over the floor.
	I'm a Horthwater contractor bag.
	It's a kitchen bag.
	You see that?
	Why is Lizzo still in this goddamn movie?
	Oh, that's not Lizzo.
	It was blocked by the camera.
	Why is a quarter of Lizzo in this movie still?
	Why is there still African-American women who I assume are all Lizzo?
	Anyway, he's scrubbing his leg.
	And wait a minute.
	Now they're talking about the Coke.
	Roofy Coke.
	What if this Coke were Roofies?
	But that's crazy talk.
	If this Coke were Roofies, he would be totally passed out super early, and we'd have to go through like 10, 15 guys' credit cards in a night.
	Our income would be quadruple, tentuplified.
	Wait a minute.
	Let's roofy dudes.
	Come on, y'all.
	So he's scrubbing his leg.
	So this is a turning point in the film, I guess.
	This is where the criminal has decided, I'm going to roofy dudes.
	I don't know what this conversation is about, though.
	That's probably Coke they had on them, right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they're probably saying, look, he did so much Coke, he kept staying up.
	And that's why we had to hang out with him for so long.
	I wish there was a way we could do the reverse.
	I think there is a way.
	Jinseng.
	That's what Constant Wu just said.
	I could karate chop him on his neck.
	Acupuncture.
	If you go through the foot, it affect brain.
	So he's scrubbing his pant leg, his white track pants, scrubbing, scrubbing.
	And me and my buddy Trevor, we look at him, we go, dude.
	And he's like, what, man?
	What?
	It's going to be anything.
	And we go, it could be anything.
	You know what that is.
	And he goes, no, I'm not.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	And he's scrubbing and scrubbing.
	And we just go, do the math, dude.
	You know what that is.
	And he goes, fuck it is, isn't it?
	And we go, yes, there's no other options.
	What?
	Someone cut their leg on their way over to sitting on you?
	You, the woman, menstrual blood.
	You have a woman's scrambled eggs on your fucking juice.
	You've been bled upon.
	And it was a bummer from?
	What he did was he called management.
	They lined up all the girls.
	What?
	Yep.
	And then he had a wad of toilet paper, and he dabbed every single girl's vajun.
	Do you believe me?
	Yes, I do.
	Why?
	Because the guy was Uday Hussein and we were in Iraq.
	I don't know how they work.
	I've been there three times.
	Okay, well, you're not allowed to make all the women stand reveal their vajricle.
	Do you know the sinister test?
	The record scratches.
	Line up!
	We got another complaint.
	We got a case.
	Come on, damaged $40 sweatpants.
	You have a code three.
	There's only really four codes we really have to do.
	So this is them deciding whether they should drug men and rob them.
	And they're showing that they have a conscience.
	Because it took them a long time to decide to do this crime.
	And again, how is this badass?
	How is this cool that women are drugging men and robbing them?
	Girls, we just decided to become rapists, basically.
	And you know what else we're doing?
	For any stripper who wants to call this her temporary living or in any way to get on her feet in the future, we're now putting this whole thing in jeopardy because there's no longer this trust because we're now taking advantage of it.
	We're basically ending a business.
	Yeah, this lifelong understanding between man and woman, working woman, is now coming to an end because we're...
	Like this guy normally, right, without being bamboozled, was probably going to spend three Grand that night.
	And they want to push it to 10 or maybe 20.
	Yeah, that's what it really is about.
	It's about going from 3 to 15, we'll say.
	Well, I guess in a way, like men gangsters.
	Brian Insight coming up.
	Gangsters that are men, there's probably more killing involved.
	So they're not their lives.
	In order to make this not disgusting, what you have to do is spend the first half of the movie making us hate men and make these girls look sympathetic.
	But in reality, living in New York when this story was big, we know these guys and we know these women and we go, you're a fucking bitch.
	they almost murdered a guy.
	And this guy's backstory, you know, we're meant to hate him, but, I mean, I mean, could he get the job interview by being just a complete asshole?
	Does he not...
	I don't think so at all, no.
	In fact, even that scene, they were freaking out when he almost died.
	So it's sort of like they're hoping we'll perceive them as bank robbers, like kind of cool, dangerous ladies who got up to some mischief.
	But wait, now they're starting to have doubts to like.
	No, they're not.
	They finally got his card.
	He's alive.
	She's going to go run it through for 15 grand.
	Oh, wow.
	They really are just pumped about it.
	Yeah, look at her little strike.
	I think the woman that this is about tried to sue J-Lo in this movie.
	Woo!
	Isn't this a huge deal legally, is it not?
	Because there's robbing someone, right?
	And then there's drugging them to a point where you could kill them and then robbing them.
	Right.
	And then you've now left a paper trail because you checked into a hotel.
	Like I always said, roofy rapes are a much bigger deal than rape rapes, though rape rapes are very bad, don't get me wrong.
	Because a person's not conscious.
	But the problem with Rohypnol is you have to go buy it.
	So like on a Tuesday afternoon, you go, I'm probably going to get up to some of my classic raping on Friday.
	Let me buy some pills.
	So you go and buy your rape pill three days before.
	And then that night, you pack, you put on your cologne and your medallion and you slick back your hair and you got your tinted glasses on.
	And you put your rape pills in your pocket.
	And then you go see a girl and put it in there.
	Isn't that worse?
	It's premeditated rape.
	Yeah.
	Instead of heat of passion rape.
	And this is like dark.
	This is sinister.
	This isn't fun.
	What if that guy was going to be a repeat customer?
	It's kind of rape.
	I would say roofie raping a woman, rape raping a woman, and then roofie robbing a man are in the same thing, but obviously the hierarchy is roofy rape, rape, rape, down quite a bit, and then this roofie robs.
	That's true.
	That's probably his nickname back when I was school was roofy rob.
	No, because I did it, because I got roofing a lot.
	But I did get good at it, if you will.
	So now they've decided to really pursue it.
	Now we're getting into the third act.
	So they got a bunch of roofs.
	They cook them up.
	How do they understand the dosage?
	They're broads.
	I think women embracing the use of date rape drugs is like black people using the N-word.
	It's just like, we're just going to own something that's been used against us for so long.
	Wait a minute.
	Now let's boil it and then you make it into a powder.
	They make it into a powder?
	Can't you crush it up?
	Why don't you just crush up the pills in the first place?
	Oh, yeah.
	Or maybe they're mixing Coke and Roofies.
	No, that would kill you.
	So that's what they did.
	They just tried the roofies and passed out.
	I remember Justin Thoreau was really pushing me to do an article or a video piece where I roofied myself.
	I never got around to it.
	That's the suggestion box.
	Crumple, crumple.
	This seems like a very involved way to make roofie powder.
	Just stand on it with your boot.
	Get Lizzo in there.
	Ask Lizzo to carry them around in her back pocket for a week.
	Hey girl, what's up?
	You never call me.
	What's up?
	You pickpocket Lizzo, but instead of taking something out of her pocket, you put something in her pocket.
	It's like 10 rupees, and then four days later you take it out, and it's just the finest goop.
	It's the finest tunk.
	It has to be in a bag, obviously.
	You can turn on a vacuum cleaner across the room.
	It'll fly in there.
	Yeah, you have to be careful when you open it because it'll just go, whoa.
	Especially if she's ever sat on a wood bench during that time.
	But even if she sat on like a tempur-pedic mattress crunch, the sheer mattress.
	Turns into a styrofoam.
	That poor woman.
	God bless her.
	Well, they stuck her in a fucking striper movie.
	What are we supposed to do?
	All right, so now they're loving it.
	Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
	Did Jayla have this apartment when she worked at Old Navy?
	I think she did.
	Because I think I know a problem with her finances.
	Your rent is $7,000 a month.
	You have the best.
	And you live on Fifth Avenue next to Central Park.
	You may want to head back to the Bronx, Jenny from the Black.
	Her walk is actually pissing me off.
	Yeah, I hate this RuPaul strut that she does.
	Like, I am woman, hear me roar, I'm Beyonce type shit.
	Ben Glebe.
	So, again, men are dunces.
	I feel sorry for these men.
	Yeah, they didn't do anything wrong.
	Especially here.
	And they're not even fucking these girls.
	Jeffrey Toobin with his wig off?
	They're just lying around on their back while beautiful ladies dance around them.
	I don't even think my wife would be mad if I did that.
	Yeah, right.
	This is a story of greed.
	Exception.
	I don't go to strip clubs anymore, but if I got a lap dance and the girl was fully clothed the whole time, I don't want to test this out, but I don't think my wife would give a shit.
	Yeah.
	We would go to strip clubs together when we were single.
	It was fun.
	It was silly.
	It wasn't like sexual.
	Well, a little bit sexual, but not really.
	It's what happened there.
	It's like a burlesque-y type of.
	Here's money for your hip.
	It's goofy.
	Here's money for your reading.
	Oh, look.
	I thought it was her tutor.
	Darling, you're marvelous.
	Wait, what was that now?
	I don't know.
	Some merger.
	She just bought Citibank?
	Yeah.
	There she is with her boyfriend.
	That's every blogger who fucks with us.
	That's Amanda Muzza.
	Look what they do with their money.
	Some of it goes to my sick mom.
	Some of it goes to my nanny.
	But most of it goes to Macy's.
	Guys, all the expensive stuff we're buying, my cousins in China make it for $10,000.
	I can make it.
	I can make it like I have.
	You bring me one Louis Vuitton shoe.
	You give me 24 hours.
	I make you like 50.
	We can invest in starting a block in Canal Street, rent an apartment, like, you know, make $500.
	Oh, you lost your momentum there.
	I was paying attention.
	I don't care why.
	I'm telling you why your joke died.
	That's possible, but this part really snagged me.
	Now, this is the part, and I remember there was an interview, and it's over.
	I shan't talk about it.
	More shopping.
	This movie's not for men.
	But it's weird because there's so many scenes where they're dancing sexy.
	And I guess that's for women, too.
	Shopping sexy.
	Is this poor bastard getting fucking raped?
	God forbid a man should be horny.
	Isn't there some subtext here where it's like, men are disgusting because they're so horny?
	But women are easy.
	That's why there's 7 billion of us.
	Yeah.
	If we weren't horny, you wouldn't have been born.
	Are they breaking the fourth wall?
	Yeah, I was just thinking that.
	Did she just look at me like, you just nailed the film?
	This is exactly what we were trying to do.
	But we're not disgusting for showing your tits and ass.
	That's just.
	Anyway, you want some coffee?
	Because I don't want to go to jail.
	Coffee's not going to get you to jail.
	Bribes are usually in the millions.
	Yeah.
	And I'm clearly like three points lower than what you are on the hot scale, so I'm pretty anxious to get you in jail.
	What's happening here?
	Here's another part I don't understand.
	They're at the mall.
	Maybe she's the madam of the strip club.
	And the madam is starting to say, wait, what the fuck is going on?
	You guys are living lodging.
	I don't know what the fuck is going on.
	Cardin B is the only one with the normal salary.
	Look, mama's pissed.
	Okay, this would be the second moment besides the news scene where I don't know what's going on.
	Oh, they're just doing blow right now.
	Look at them just doing blow like lunatics.
	What are they me in DC this past week?
	I wouldn't know anything about that.
	I'll tell you later.
	Is this supposed to be them out of control doing Coke in a mini mall?
	Are you doing puppies?
	At a food court?
	Oh, again with the walking scene, walking together, badass bitches.
	And then back to shopping.
	They love buying shops.
	There's so much consumerism in this film.
	And the thing is, looking...
	Yes.
	To some degree.
	Yes, I like Rocco wear.
	I don't want them to be fancy.
	But most of looking good, I believe, is to project that towards men.
	All we ask is that you wear heels three times a week and you don't look like Lizzo.
	That's pretty easy.
	And don't roofy us, please.
	Don't try to start chemistry to try to roofie me, please.
	You got to give it to them, though.
	If they really did do that and found a new way to free basing or whatever the hell they just did.
	If I was making this film, I would say I'm going to have a lot of trouble eliciting sympathy for girls that drug innocent men and take all their shit.
	Who do a perfectly legal profession?
	Yeah, this is my problem with uncut gems.
	I didn't like Adam Sandler.
	Right.
	No, me neither.
	He cheats on his wife.
	He's a fucking drug addict.
	Wait, is he a drug addict?
	No, he's not a drug addict.
	He's a gambling addict.
	He's a shitty dad.
	He ignores his, he's not there for his kids.
	And you'd go, oh, I guess he's really poor.
	Like, when my wife and I rented it, I thought, oh, it's going to be about a poor guy in the diamond trade who hustles and hustles and then has his big break.
	Like, show me the money, right?
	And then all of a sudden he's successful after some hardship.
	No, he's very successful from day one.
	And he's just as selfish.
	He's like an animal.
	He can't help but to just put the money into another bet, and another bet.
	Spoiler alert, plug your ears when we're about to talk about the ending of Uncut Gems.
	And I'll put my hand down when we're done.
	Okay, so plug your ears.
	When he gets shot at the end.
	In the head, I just went like.
	I cared more about Robert De Niro when he got shot in the head in Joker.
	But when they...
	But when you were watching the game, weren't you like, this is good?
	He's finally getting his little company.
	Yes.
	Oh, sure.
	I was looking for basketball.
	Oh, he's going to finally pay off his bills, whatever.
	But then when that didn't happen and he died, I went, oh, he's dead.
	No.
	That's like a roadkill.
	It was like seeing a possum at the side of the road.
	That really killed my mood.
	I was recovering from a cold.
	You know, the reason I wanted to show this movie is because it shows the absolute disdain we have for white men of a certain ilk.
	Christian, white, suburban family men who are successful.
	What?
	Who maybe aren't perfect and go to a strip club.
	I don't even see the crime here.
	The weather is just cultural hatred for guys like this.
	You know, the white man.
	Imagine this movie was all about black men who got ripped off and roofied and all their shit stolen.
	Would these girls be heroes if this was all Black men, 100% black men.
	So they went, and it was.
	Is it weird that I'm like, I think I've thought of something too racist to say in front of Gavin McInnes?
	Yeah, that's pretty bad.
	That's pretty bad.
	No, yeah, no.
	But seriously, doesn't that sort of shock you?
	Like, what's that non-poor industry that blacks are in that are predominantly black?
	Whatever.
	Say it's, yeah, it's like a record label, an RB record label or something.
	And these girls would go to the bar where the RB record label was, and they'd have these Quincy Jones types, and they would drug them and take all their money.
	Not all their money, but tens of thousands.
	That whole movie would be like, it would be the Klan.
	Oh, I secretly was hoping that was the credits coming up.
	Okay, so what's happening here?
	Now they're so rich, they're moving.
	Why is this in slow motion?
	There's literally been zero diversity when it comes to the business guys that they're ripping off.
	Oh, is this their drone?
	They fly over the city.
	And you know what's funny too?
	When Usher ran in and he was there with his boys, it was like the party just started.
	Yeah, that was cool.
	And no one's robbing Usher.
	Because they're wearing foo boo.
	Yeah.
	Why didn't you rob Usher?
	Because you'd be shot more money.
	He'd be shot by his homies.
	You've got more money than these guys.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Rob Usher.
	They're not working at 9 to 12.
	Yeah, I just noticed that.
	Now this made the whole movie worth it.
	Yeah.
	That if this was blacks, no one would want.
	No one would be excited.
	She just like runs the strip club office, the wages and stuff?
	She feeds the dog.
	Look, we have no family, so we make our own family.
	No, you have no family because you're strippers.
	Where am I?
	No one wants us.
	America wants you.
	That's why you make money.
	You just don't want us.
	I love Barbie dog.
	Oh, okay.
	Yay, I love Barbies.
	Thanks for drugging rich guys, Mom.
	Thanks for...
	Thanks for raping white men.
	You did a great job.
	What did I get?
	What did I get?
	They just give Lizzo like a salad in a box?
	She's like, y'all.
	Y'all need to do it.
	They give Lizzo a business card, and it's for a guy who does liposuction.
	Castric bypass.
	She opens the box and a surgeon comes out with washed hands.
	We're ready.
	Don't lie to me.
	Excuse me.
	Dr. No.
	Yeah.
	Dr. No jumps out of a birthday cake.
	She's all excited to eat it.
	And then Dr. No jumps out of the birthday cake and he's like, you know how many calories is in this?
	You would have over 7,000 calories.
	So excuse me.
	Why are you lying to me?
	I lost my Dr. No.
	You haven't watched him in a while.
	That'll happen.
	I gotta get him back.
	I used to have a really good Jim Jeffries or some shit.
	I don't remember.
	But like some comedian that was big and it's gone.
	Forever.
	Until I watch him again.
	Look at that haircut.
	Ooh.
	There's like a half fro.
	Here's the thing about this movie, too, that I noticed.
	You might see a girl and never see her in this whole movie again.
	Yeah.
	But it's J-Lo's best friend.
	She's there for Christmas.
	Right.
	Lizo's not there.
	Don't freak out.
	I know you're feeling guilty.
	Look, someone shot me in the head.
	I know you're feeling guilty, but we're going to be making 10 times more money.
	We're going to rape tons more white men.
	White men are human garbage.
	I agree, honey.
	Let me get a picture.
	Everyone say, white men are human garbage.
	Everybody say, I look like Dave Hill.
	Hey.
	That's what Hank Coulter said.
	She goes, the only thing the left can agree on, they've got jihadists and Black Lives Matter and liberal feminists.
	The only one thing they all agree on is that they all hate white men.
	Interesting.
	So now they're praying.
	I think this is when they're going to see a turning point.
	Right.
	What God is.
	Moloch?
	Lucifer.
	This is when you're going to see.
	This is the part of Christmas where they have an upside-down cross and they burn goat's blood.
	That child's only there to be sacrificed.
	Asferatin, As Machmanad.
	Asferatin, yeah.
	All the names on the stockings are backwards.
	Yirstamat, in Serap.
	That's why we can read them perfectly in the mirror.
	Oh, we just gave away what we're doing.
	Oh.
	You just gave away the behind the scenes.
	Yes, we're watching this movie in a mirror.
	I'll take a picture for posterity later.
	Wouldn't it be funny if we turn up the volume and it's like war pigs being played backwards?
	January.
	How long can they congratulate themselves for rape?
	And yes, I know I'm using that word slightly inaccurately, but it's in the same genre as sexual rape.
	And if you fast forward to one of their victims, their Christmases might be a bunch of uncles, aunts, distant relatives, children running around, just like a nice family gathering.
	But this is just a...
	They see some of the one of the white guys who really got reamed and actually didn't have enough money for Christmas that year.
	And his kid got like a Fisher-Price car.
	Ouch.
	And they're not dancing around like this.
	Right.
	Because, you know, they were out one night celebrating.
	They were only rich guys.
	We only rob super rich guys.
	I actually was super rich, but I donate most of my money to cancer research and because I have the means.
	We live in a small house in Connecticut.
	And my family was looking forward to the money that I budgeted for Christmas.
	I think I know what's going on here.
	They're dragging out the scene so long and making it Christmas to show that they're all human.
	And I bet that old Chinese lady just said something sexual.
	Like, I used to have fun in my day.
	I would love them a long time.
	Ooh, shit.
	Sue's a freak.
	She's a freak.
	She's a Chinese freak.
	Let's dance all night.
	Yeah, let's drink.
	Mimosas at 11 a.m.
	Yeah, drunk.
	It's pretty bright out.
	Yeah.
	Women love drinking early in the day.
	Women love drinking early in the day.
	We'll be right back.
	Okay, so we get it.
	You're human beings with hearts of gold that just want to be with each other.
	Yeah, you all just need a man and a family.
	That's what you need.
	Yeah, who's listening to their problems?
	What do they do when they get money?
	Do they start a help center for other struggling strippers?
	No, they buy fucking shoes.
	You know why a lesbian relationship can't work?
	It's because there's two women who want to be wanted, but each of those women want to be wanted.
	So they're worried about being wanted instead of actually wanting the other one.
	So this is an incomplete friendship.
	They're definitely missing the male.
	We weren't partying at Christmas.
	Well, we have footage of you partying at Christmas.
	Oh, okay.
	I had one mimosa, present, and I went home.
	Chinese New Year races.
	No, it wasn't.
	I know you parted your ass off.
	You got mimosas and dancing.
	Really?
	If I was dancing, what move was I doing?
	You were doing the mamaloo.
	You were doing the hot dog.
	You were doing the human humana.
	You did the hound dog.
	Naomi did the running man.
	I remember that.
	You were popping and locking.
	Should I go on?
	And now you're doing the Sepin.
	Yeah, see.
	So we'll see.
	I did the robot.
	You didn't even mention it once.
	So you didn't see me.
	Okay, the robot, yes.
	Now you're doing the lion come shuffle.
	Is she married to the fatty?
	No, I think that was like a client or something because he went downstairs and he's like, oh, I can't do this.
	And she scratched him off his list.
	Oh.
	She was like, oh, oh, well.
	Oh, so that was some nice, sweet, fat guy that loved her to death.
	And she called him for a rape.
	No, I think he had a family, actually.
	She called him to say want to come for a party, meaning a rape.
	Oh, maybe.
	Right, right.
	And crossed him off the list.
	She's got a real sassitude.
	Look at that.
	Yeah.
	She learned that from J-Lo.
	She's like, I'm waiting for it tonight.
	Whoa.
	If you have so much sassitude, why are you speaking to the FBI without a lawyer present?
	Yeah.
	You're not a really good criminal, are you?
	Miss in control.
	Yeah, right.
	Yeah, right.
	I didn't rape them.
	I didn't put anything in the bodies.
	Yeah, but you would drug them.
	What do we know?
	2013.
	I don't know what that means in the scale of...
	It was 28, and in 2008, they went up to 2011.
	Then we had Brian Williams as a news guy.
	Maybe they're just throwing that in your face to be like, look, no matter what date we throw at you, there've been thievious, greedy horse this entire time.
	Thieving.
	Thieving.
	Oh, is this her having a second thoughts?
	This lighting makes me look kind of good.
	I'd like her to be attractive just once in this movie.
	It looks like we're siblings.
	I'm a Wu fan.
	Sista, what happened?
	Why are you pussying out?
	I'm starting to have second thoughts.
	Oh, this is her.
	This is her saying, I don't think we can do this anymore.
	Have we not been legal?
	Why are you such a pussy?
	Look, you fuckers lost the opium wars.
	You fucking didn't participate in World War I or World War II.
	You're losers.
	Ever heard of the Rape of Nanking?
	Don't be a pussy.
	Let's keep raping men.
	Look, she likes to rape men.
	Hi, I love it.
	They call me the chicken.
	Oh, this is what's happening.
	Look, there's a new kid in town.
	There's a new kid in town.
	So she realizes, yeah, I get it.
	Constance Wu showed some hesitance and some reticence.
	So now she's throwing it in.
	And Jayla is like, bitch, I can get some fucking ginge in here to take over.
	Look at me laughing.
	And we had that sort of connection.
	Ooh, now she's your best friend.
	But if you actually had a man, then you would actually not even be bothered by this whatsoever.
	Yeah.
	Good point.
	Unfortunately.
	When a married woman sees one of her friends being friends with another friend, she goes, oh, I guess that's, she doesn't want to hang out anymore.
	That's weird.
	Oh, that's weird that the most important person in my life can be caddy at any moment that they feel emotionally.
	So that pulled Constance back in.
	And now she's saying, all right, Ginge, there's no way someone's taking my spot.
	You think Ging is going to get hurt?
	I think Ginge might be an overhead.
	She might be karate chopped in a few moments.
	By that weird little man-woman.
	What gender is that thing?
	That's Scary Perry?
	Maybe there are more than two genders.
	What is that thing?
	He, she, and it.
	Look at their face.
	This is so bad.
	We're making a big mistake.
	There are more than two genders.
	He, she, and it.
	Wait, what's going on?
	They're stealing his card?
	Sorry for snorting, folks at home.
	I have to piss Major Lee?
	Go right there.
	Major Lee?
	I believe that was the Dukes of Hazards card.
	Don't bump anything there.
	Oh, geez.
	Alright, so Ginger's freaking out.
	She's in over her head.
	She was used by Jennifer Lopez to make Constance Wu more nervous about quitting.
	She was a kick in the ass.
	But she recruited her too soon, and now she can't handle her shit.
	Whoa, what's happening?
	Does that piss Mike'd?
	Ryan, it's courteous to sit when you pee when being recorded.
	Another dead guy.
	Well, he's looking pretty dead, yeah.
	He's nude at his house face down by the pool.
	And he has gorgeous buns.
	High-quality buns.
	Every time I say something like that, I hear the groipers saying, you're a faggot, Gavin.
	After I told him I want to fuck them with my heels on, which I deeply regret.
	Dude, you should have sat down to do it.
	So it's quiet.
	Or put it on the edge of the bowl.
	This is going to be on your mic.
	Oi, hey.
	Wow, this guy's ripped.
	Why is he getting so many prostitutes?
	He could just get girls to do it for free.
	Oh, she's dry heaving.
	Jesus, women Have high standards for male beauty.
	That guy's got nothing but six packs, and she's puking.
	I can only imagine what my dad bod would do to her.
	There's a new kid in town.
	All right, so you missed.
	They went a little farther.
	Oh, he's alive.
	And now they're killing him?
	They just punched him out, I think.
	The black woman did?
	Which I doubt.
	Did they have a beer?
	There's a whole box right there.
	Wait, so that black chick is such an awesome fighter that when he woke up from his, what they thought, they thought he was a cadaver, by the way.
	When he woke up and started looking around, she just went and knocked him out.
	Maybe because he's on the brink of consciousness.
	Oh, that's valid.
	Just to give him a little cred.
	Be another.
	So what are they going to do with him?
	He's alive.
	Take him back to his house.
	What are you doing now?
	this just makes me realize putting headphones on it's like it's like you Would you do that for one show?
	Try it with headphones on?
	Okay.
	I think it puts you in a cool zone.
	What's on her belly?
	Is that Barf?
	Or is that part of her shirt?
	Well, she wears sexy chokers.
	Sexy.
	We should start wearing that.
	We should sell those at the store.
	Sensor.tv is sexy.
	Limited edition.
	Is that barf?
	Or is that blood?
	Oh, so she's got to say...
	Look at that bod.
	So wait, they brought him to the emergency room?
	Yeah.
	Because they thought he was dying, which is what you should do.
	Okay, that's fair.
	That's correct.
	Actually, she's healthy.
	Police got involved in the first place?
	No, that was coincidence.
	They were driving by a state trooper and he had his sirens on.
	Oh.
	Now she's running back there to do what?
	Clean up the mess?
	Clean up all the Coke.
	But then the mom's going to come home with her kids.
	Hello?
	Who are you?
	I'm a cleaning lady.
	I'm so sexy.
	What is on her shirt?
	It's blood.
	From what?
	He wasn't bleeding.
	The guy didn't cough up blood?
	Oh, yeah.
	Asians menstruate from their belly buttons.
	I forgot.
	And she was upside down for a short period of time.
	Oh, yeah, they wear tampons on her.
	I can just tell, looking at Constance Wu, that she's a bitch.
	Like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	You know what would really be a bummer?
	She's got that spike lee vibe where you're just like, yeah, you're a cunt.
	I think it's been so long that, like, white people can get a pass where we don't say that's pathetic when they use a bonics, but I think she's an Asian that used a bonyx, and it really bothers me.
	Before I even know that that's true, that bothers me.
	Look, she's running to pick up her daughter, and she has blood on her belly.
	That nice white lady.
	Her babysitters are dangerous.
	I suppose she's a fucking idiot loser, too.
	Is it?
	I don't know.
	Not in America, but in Britain.
	Really?
	MIA did a song about how they're the last minority you can shit on.
	Wow.
	See, I'm all ears for that.
	Because it's true, and it's pretty effed up.
	On my little show, when he did the dating game, it was a ginger there, and I was like, it's basically a two-person competition at this point.
	It's basically two contestants.
	Women aren't into gingers?
	I would be.
	I hear the women never lose their libido.
	You know what's weird?
	Asian women love gingers.
	It's a trend.
	She lose her shirt.
	I don't remember her ever bleeding.
	What is going on with her belly?
	Maybe she hugged.
	Maybe she hugged.
	The nude guy, he never...
	He was never bleeding.
	I think she hugged 15 midget Indian women.
	That's as good as any theory I got.
	All right, I'm calling the cops.
	It's so hard to not do the total hack thing and give her a Chinese accent.
	It takes all my willpower.
	Willpower.
	It takes all my willpower.
	No, it takes all my will.
	No, my were power.
	It takes all my were power.
	Colin's brother.
	Wait, is that lady dead?
	You wasted all that money?
	That's like getting your dog, your 14-year-old dog, a liver transition.
	Who's dead?
	The fucking old Asian lady.
	Oh, the mom.
	Look, Constance Wu looks even worse at a funeral.
	Yeah.
	Oh, Yve.
	Are you the corpse?
	Me, no, love you long time.
	Is this you for your funeral?
	Are you supposed to be lying down?
	Aren't people supposed to be crying on you right now?
	We can just call this off.
	She's alive.
	Is this a Chinese thing?
	You sit down when you're dead?
	We put her in a grave with like nine gravestones.
	Oh, that's in the Bronx, I believe.
	I think that's where my great-grandmother Palmeda is buried.
	My great-great-grandmother.
	Oh.
	We should have got her on the show.
	I think she might be.
	Over your shoulder.
	One of those.
	Hi, Constance.
	You're a four.
	She looks like a chess champion.
	The inventor of the algorithm, Constance Wee.
	The head of China's AI department has never actually been home.
	The writer of over 500 fortune cookies.
	He's been at his desk since the day he was born.
	He doesn't have she.
	I'm not the make AI, and I don't play chess.
	What are you talking?
	You crazy.
	Yeah, she's.
	See, she's pretty there.
	So, I just want to say for the record, we have not done anything.
	I did a couple just because I realized we weren't, but like any hand touching the screen, any hand Puppets, or anything.
	This is purely commentary.
	And now I think it's time.
	Alright, now it's time that I go pee.
	So while I'm gone, be scintillating, amuse the folks at home, and also our job here is to just explain the whole movie, a movie we haven't seen.
	Okay, gotcha.
	And I'll try not to piss like fucking Niagara Falls.
	Jesus.
	So this is Constance Wu is Trump and everybody else is just somebody else.
	Now, you're in trouble from the FBI.
	Frankly, I didn't do anything wrong.
	I don't know what you're talking about.
	You did?
	Being on the side of the bowl.
	Is that so it's quieter?
	Why else would it be?
	To wash off some explosive diarrhea stains?
	Alright, there's a car.
	We saw you drive away in a car.
	Frankly, I didn't drive away in a car.
	I don't even know what car you're talking about.
	Frankly, I think you're a liar.
	Who hired you?
	I think you're really bad at your job.
	And I'm actually getting a little sad right now.
	Hey, you know what someone could do?
	Look, I just needed money, okay?
	I had to rape white men.
	White men are garbage anyway.
	They have way too much money.
	And she's like, okay.
	Fair enough.
	I had to get my Nana a liver transplant right before she died.
	Why would you do that?
	That's a waste of a liver.
	I didn't know she was going to die.
	Didn't you ask a doctor?
	I thought he was lying.
	I thought he hated her and he said she was going to die soon and it wasn't worth it.
	So you used strip her money to buy a dying woman a liver.
	It's the only money I had.
	Didn't it occur to you that some little kid wanted a liver?
	I don't like little kids.
	Your mouth moved perfectly when you said that.
	It's amazing.
	I have one.
	She's annoying.
	Anyway, I don't want to talk about kids.
	It gets me down.
	I call her liver waster.
	Anyway, do you have a liver?
	Have you ever offered to donate your liver to anyone?
	Yes.
	Oh, I thought you said, do I deliver?
	Yes.
	From Kam Fung down the road.
	Asians don't drink, and our livers are exquisite.
	It's like a unicorn.
	So when hers was damaged, I couldn't deal with it.
	It made me hate the whole race.
	What are you talking about?
	I don't know.
	I'm just waiting until my friend gets here who's going to kill you.
	I'm not going to jail, bitch.
	You're going to jail.
	Is that what's going to happen?
	Parties are.
	Interview over.
	She's like, I thought she was going to lower her up like in the first two minutes.
	That makes sense.
	Interview or a book.
	Oh, it's like a New York Post reporter.
	Oh, this character is playing the character of the person who made this movie, perhaps.
	That's a little too meta.
	She's writing to New York Post.
	She's like that stupid bitch who went to that uneducated, sad part of Georgia and proved to a bunch of geriatrics that their Bible that oozes oil isn't magic.
	Right.
	Nice.
	And yet again, that could have been a really beautiful video piece.
	But it was a boring article with literally three pictures.
	So your trip to a very photogenic.
	They go to somewhere like India where they worship rats in some big temple where they feed rats all day.
	And they're like, this is so beautiful.
	Right.
	And then they go to the Bible Belt and they're like, this is horror shit.
	Do you want to go to India and say what happened here?
	Shiva with five arms.
	This was a quick scene.
	Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
	You meet a guy with a mustache and then you, what, burn his house down?
	Oh, maybe he's a fed?
	No, no, no, they just showed him with...
	We're finally confused.
	What was burning down?
	His house?
	Or maybe he's telling them that story.
	Anyway, I got tons of money when my house burned down.
	Aren't any of them looking for a man?
	Oh, he's confessing his little side of the story.
	So I was there and I was looking around.
	I said, wait a minute.
	$20,000 from a bank account.
	I don't have but $14,000 in my bank.
	And it's not like these bitches were geniuses.
	Clear that they roofied me and they made me sign two copies of the check.
	I looked at my hands.
	They was blurry and I thought, Constant Wu and Jennifer Lopez gave me a roofie in order to rob me.
	By the way, how did they get away with this for so long?
	Yeah, I don't know.
	Like, these guys have been partying a lot, right?
	And they probably have those crazy parties with tons of chicks, and they'd probably get their bill on their craziest night ever, and it's like three grand.
	And they went, oh, shit, dude.
	I got to check myself before I wreck myself.
	And then that would happen, like, maybe once every two years.
	They get a $3,000 bill and go, come on, me.
	And then they get a bill that says $17,900.
	Right.
	And they go, well, this is just a mistake.
	Dude, I might have been roofied last time right now.
	I did roofy you.
	I'm going to rape you live on this.
	It's not live.
	You get to edit it.
	So that's the weird part.
	Yeah.
	Well, I would ask you to try to be professional when you edit the rapes and accept that we're trying to make quality entertainment for the subscribers.
	Remember who's whose boss.
	Forget Ryan the editor from Ryan the rape victim.
	No, no, for real, though.
	Try to make my butt look good when it goes in and out of you, by the way.
	Of course.
	I will color correct it.
	I will white balance it to your cheeks.
	Unlike Sam Morrell's comedy special where he looks like he's underwater in a glass of Jared Holt.
	Just four drops of milk.
	That's all I want.
	That's my Sam Morrell impression.
	Dude, I really think I was roofing at that trip club.
	Because I've never blacked out, really.
	And remember I told you I blacked out?
	Yeah, I don't know you to blackout.
	You're not a blackout.
	I woke up at home in the morning and I didn't know if the car was in the driveway or not.
	And instead of $12,000 in debt, you were $13,000.
	Right.
	$12,040.
	Realistically, I think there was like $200 unaccounted for.
	Oh, wait.
	So he finally, some dude has the brains to rack them out.
	Yeah.
	Like I said, he was like, like I said, it really wasn't hard to pinpoint them.
	They're sloppy crazy.
	I've had crazy nights with strippers, and I usually have a $900 bill.
	This was $19,000.
	They got really greedy.
	They could have done the same thing they did with me, but just replicated it, but they got super greedy.
	I would recommend in the future, if you're robbing guys like me, up our usual bill by maybe 20%, not 2,000%.
	Right.
	Is that the ging?
	So you're a snitch.
	Who think you?
	did it like Are we supposed to feel sympathy for a woman who has an apartment like that?
	Jennifer Lopez's apartment was like a Jeff Bezos apartment.
	I actually went to Peter Thiel's apartment once for breakfast.
	It looked exactly the same.
	The guy who created PayPal, he's a billionaire.
	Wait, wow.
	Like you get into his elevator through a secret wall.
	Wow.
	There's like the normal lobby, and then it's like this way, sir.
	That's fucking awesome.
	Then you go up and the elevator opens into his apartment.
	And it's just like normal?
	And it's like it's Jennifer Lopez's place.
	So maybe you wouldn't need so much money if you didn't live in a billionaire's penthouse apartment.
	Right.
	You dumb bitch.
	A Bezos level babe.
	Who is that?
	Oh, that's a Fed now.
	So we're finally down to the stink.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Hmm.
	She's saying do it.
	And I think one of them...
	Wait, are they trying to set her up?
	Like, guys, to be real here, we have to drug them because...
	Due to...
	And she said, we don't, don't drug the drink at all.
	And then the ginger put all the.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I'm not sure if that's a Fed or not, or if this is the has to be a Fed, right?
	We've already seen them get busted.
	it seemed like it was set up to be some sort of No, no, because I don't think they'd be driving away because the Fed would have backup because the people are aware that he would pass out.
	Yeah.
	And by the way, as a member of society, I don't just want...
	There's a high risk that you kill them.
	If you take enough...
	They suffocate because they get so relaxed their lungs don't remember to breathe.
	Like that guy in the show a couple days ago.
	That we killed?
	No, the guy.
	Yeah, the guy that never bring a bat to a fist fight, the guy that had the bat.
	And you can literally hear him chugging blood.
	The nose blood, they said.
	He's just snoring.
	Oh, man.
	Okay, this is actually good stuff we're missing.
	For the first time this whole movie...
	Wait, is that the guy that just...
	Oh, yeah.
	No, I don't think it is.
	It's not the guy that just...
	I don't think that's leg taps.
	That's like taps.
	Oh, is he an informant?
	When finance guys wear the...
	No, he was...
	This guy called the cops on them.
	That guy called the cops on them.
	This guy maybe is about to call the cops on them.
	Hmm.
	Which, this is a weird part of the story.
	How did this last so long?
	Yeah.
	Maybe they used less roofy.
	I wonder how many victims total.
	Now we're up to 2013?
	Just bust her, please.
	Because I was roofied.
	I'm just realizing today.
	Literally have zero memory.
	I went there with a couple of cop, local cop buddies, and they left.
	It's an upstate unit.
	And I stayed, yeah.
	And I don't remember getting home.
	There's no way I would have taken $200 out of my ATM, but I did.
	It was gone.
	I don't remember anything.
	I don't remember anything.
	Remember I told you about that?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I actually don't remember.
	I don't remember.
	I don't remember.
	You do remember me saying I don't remember?
	Well, the way you portrayed it to me when you told me the story was like a kooky fun.
	Ha ha.
	Yeah, me too.
	Yeah, because I was like, I don't, dude, I don't know how I got home.
	But.
	Oh, good.
	This is making me kind of rich.
	Oh, there she is.
	Shake down.
	Cake down.
	You busted.
	Didn't.
	Are we supposed to feel bad right now?
	The cake down.
	What's the proper feelings right now we're supposed to have?
	If you're Puerto Rican, you feel kind of shitty.
	Oh, by the way, this is your $5.
	And the Puerto Rican remembers that you robbed me.
	Is that from lunch?
	This movie made me feel bad.
	Yeah.
	I did feel kind of tired at lunch.
	It's because you were short $5 and you're Scottish.
	Shakedown.
	You're Scott since Linda.
	Snake.
	Oh, let's bust her.
	Hi, that was fun.
	I'm glad I'm not in jail.
	Anyway, bye-bye.
	If they were arresting Lizzo, it would be like the team for Godzilla.
	For King Connor.
	You can call it SeaWorld.
	Oh, hi.
	I love SeaWorld.
	Yeah, you're under arrest, ma'am.
	Get in the tank.
	Get in the tank.
	Start entertaining.
	What did her text say?
	Run?
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah, that's going to work.
	Yeah, jump out the window.
	And to be fair, I know a lot of people, let's say there's a hardcore feminist out there, male or female, saying, well, they, what do they call it?
	When you make something look better, they grandulize or they glorify.
	Glorify.
	Mob.
	But no, they all get theirs in the end.
	And there's no mistake.
	You and Anthony Kumi will say it.
	When you watch Sopranos, you're like, no, clearly this guy's a piece of shit.
	That's a trick, though, because what they do with Sopranos is they did the escape of Danimore.
	They make you like them by not showing their crimes.
	And at the end, you see their crimes and you go, you're a fucking murderer.
	How dare I like you?
	I was duped.
	And with the Sopranos, they do the same thing.
	They show him as a family man, and then you see him strangle people and betray his friends and all that.
	But then when you watch it again from the beginning, you know that he will leave Polly Walnuts out to freeze to death in the Jersey Forest, and now you don't like him anymore.
	And so when he pays attention to these ducks And he has this nice moment with them, but he treats his wife and his kids like shit.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	So, how did Constance Wu not do jail time and end up with some fancy husband?
	Um.
	God, I hate your hair.
	And I'm a bang guy.
	My hair rules.
	Not your hair, Constance.
	I'm Bang McGee.
	So.
	They call me Bang Bang.
	Because that's what I wear and that's what I do.
	I wear bangs and I like to shoot people.
	She looks like an anime guy.
	What's she saying?
	I quit.
	And Jennifer Lopez is like, you crazy?
	Why are you quit?
	I just got it caught by the police.
	What's your problem, you fucking bitch?
	Wait, this has got to be only like...
	Oh.
	This is only three quarters of the way in because the conflict between the two main characters only really happens like there's about 20 minutes left.
	Oh, Lord.
	I don't think I have 20 minutes.
	Yeah, right.
	Well.
	Do we have 20 minutes on the card?
	If this was Godfather, I could watch it three times.
	How long is the card?
	I'm praying, by the way, that it doesn't have enough.
	Does it just shut off?
	Uh-oh.
	Oh, we only have 194 minutes that we could possibly record.
	Oh, look, she looks good for a second.
	Where was that?
	That was the back of her head.
	Wait, she's hugging her.
	Well, that happened quickly.
	Okay, so she didn't say I ratted you out.
	She said, I'm quitting the business forever.
	Which, don't you expect that when you get busted?
	I think the conversation could have been like, wait, why aren't you quitting?
	I'm the one who's mad.
	Yeah.
	We hugged you after you realized you're retarded.
	And they have never made out or dyked out at all?
	Like, they're just those close to friends?
	I guess.
	That would have been a lot of fun.
	I've never seen females that close to friends before.
	Jesus Lord.
	When this movie's shot in real time.
	I'm pretty sure.
	I think we started this in 2013.
	Right.
	Hi, I hate balloons.
	There's tons of balloons here.
	I want them all gone like now.
	They're stupid.
	They get caught on the ceiling.
	They ruin ceiling fans.
	I'm actually in a room that's without balloons.
	Hi, I don't deal with balloons.
	I'm an ex-stripper.
	I can hear you.
	I'm a great white man, but I can hear you great.
	So what's the problem now?
	The helium in them.
	You can die from it.
	I mean, people commit suicide using helium.
	I don't know anything about that.
	I don't know why you're calling me.
	Are you the girl writing the book?
	I told you to fuck off and I stopped your recorder.
	I was the girl.
	I understand.
	I know.
	I just want to know now that we're friends if you know anything about balloons.
	I don't do balloons.
	I don't care about balloons.
	I don't like you.
	I'm not interested in your book.
	So let's just hang up and end this now.
	You lost me at balloons.
	Understand?
	I'm saying goodbye.
	I'm going to hang up.
	All right?
	So you hang up after I hang up.
	Do you have one thing to say before we hang up?
	I'm not bluffing.
	I'm really going to.
	I hope you hung up on her.
	I hope that bitch that wrote the book.
	Where is she now?
	at her office oh she's talking to the What?
	I said this movie's written by a woman.
	You can tell, right?
	Because of all the shopping and everything.
	And the time jumps?
	Yeah, and the other one.
	Oh, wait, before I even get to that, back in 2015, this movie was.
	Of course she has to stick herself in it.
	Of course, she's writing it like and then there's an intrepid reporter who appears.
	She's gorgeous, understated, funny, interesting.
	Basically me.
	And part of the story.
	A huge elemental part of the story that JLo's friends with and Caroline Wu consoles about her balloon phobia.
	Right.
	Ah, she's wonderful.
	And she was pregnant because that's in a detail.
	Why would she be pregnant in that little conversation right there?
	Just to be like, and by the way, while all this was happening, I was pregnant.
	Whatever that chick's name is, I kind of recognize her.
	Let's say her name is...
	Jennifer Tall.
	Something like that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So when they were making the movie, the producers, one of the executive producers called her, the writer, and she goes, I have the perfect person for you.
	Jennifer Tall.
	Jennifer Tall plays you.
	And she's like, oh my God.
	I didn't see it at first.
	But now that you say that, Jen would be fucking ideal.
	I think I should sit with her.
	I should meet her.
	And then they met.
	Ooh, my God.
	That's my new expression.
	Ooh, my God.
	Oh, my God, and ooh, at the same time.
	Ooh, really?
	Naturally.
	Of course.
	Ooh, my God.
	Imagine their little brunch they had.
	The writer and Jennifer Tall.
	When they sat there and she has her purse and she's like, sorry, I'm late.
	Oh, my God.
	I cannot believe I am meeting you.
	When I found when the executive producer, no, his name's like Barry.
	She calls him Bear.
	When Bear called me, I went, perfect.
	And now I'm meeting.
	This is too weird.
	Oh, my God.
	This is so weird.
	Do you want to have mimosa?
	And then they get past it, and then like, they're just eating, and then she just stares at her for a little bit, and she's like, I just can't get over it.
	She just can't get over it.
	It's perfect.
	Yeah.
	They have that moment.
	And then the brunch went so good.
	And then towards the end, Jennifer was just eating the last of her eggs.
	And she goes, do you ever want to just kill a man?
	Just slit his throat.
	See the blood pour down his shirt.
	And the other one's such an ass-looking sycophant that she's like, sure, yeah, totally.
	Yeah, I do stuff like that.
	Anyway, I'll get the check.
	I just write it off anyway.
	And then she just deleted that weird moment from her brain and remembered the rest of the brunch as being a fucking blast.
	Destiny pled guilty to grand larceny attempted assault in exchange for zero jail time.
	Wow.
	Proud boys get four years.
	Wow.
	Ramona was sentenced to five years probation.
	What?
	Probation.
	Middle finger.
	Because, you know.
	Mercedes and Annabelle served weekends in jail for four months and received five years fucking probation.
	What the fuck?
	I'm weak.
	That is such horse.
	I am weak.
	Holy crap.
	Wow.
	The message is clear here.
	If your victims are rich white men, you can almost get away with murder.
	Wow.
	Fuck you, J-Lo.
	That's crazy.
	That is fucked up.
	Weekends at Rikers.
	Wow.
	What an insult.
	I've never, I did not see.
	That's the only twist in the entire movie.
	Okay, yeah.
	We're not going to jail.
	We don't have to pay the piper.
	We do whatever we want.
	We like to rape and rob men.
	We don't have to punish.
	We don't worry about justice.
	There's no such thing when it comes to us.
	We get to do whatever we want, girl.
	Yay, hustlers.
	Yeah.
	I knew it.
	I knew it was a check.
	Is Jessica a man's name?
	Last I checked.
	Wow, wow.
	That was awesome.
	All right, folks.
	Thanks for tuning in to our new terrible idea.
	Ryan and Gavin watch movies with the volume off.
	No, no, no, no.
	Oh, are you recording?
	I just died anyway.
	We watched some of the movie after with sound and we discovered some major points.
	One, this is her story.
	Feminists have totally rewritten this movie.
	Rewritten this story.
	Here's the truth.
	There are a bunch of coke head sluts that robbed rich guys just because they were cunts and wanted revenge.
	That's it.
	That's the long and short of it.
	But this feminist author has turned it into they were actually stealing from the fireman's retirement fund and spending that money on blowdrops.
	That's what the collapse was.
	And you see the same bullshit in Adam McKay's The Short, where he starts the movie after finance guys saw money on the ground and picked it up.
	The money on the ground was put there by the government.
	The government was bundling mortgages.
	They made it inevitable.
	So it was government intervention giving any Tom, Dick, and Harry a mortgage that caused the collapse.
	The after-effect, the mortgages sitting on the ground there, that was just finance guys picking up the refuse of the government's fuck-ups.
	So that's what finance guys did wrong, in quotation marks, in 2008.
	They're not the villains that these liberals make them out to be.
	But this is weird because it also has an era of feminist claptrap and anti-white male stuff.
	You know, as I said earlier, if this was black males, I think this was the biggest revelation of the movie.
	If this was rich black males getting robbed, getting blackmailed, then that never would have been a movie.
	But this is just such a great target.
	So here we have the dumb slut fake tit bitch that Jennifer Lopez is playing, pretending that this was some sort of Robin Hood move.
	I didn't drink more than...
	Hold on, hold on.
	Oh, Phoebe.
	We gotta start thinking like these Wall Street guys.
	These Wall Street guys?
	I wish the author of this movie had spoken to one Wall Street guy.
	Wall Street guys to the left are just so foreign, and I can't believe I'm defending them.
	all hate my guts but math is math I'm not working people lost everything and I'm one of these douchebags went to jail Not one.
	Is that fair?
	So I was forced to drug them and rob them.
	Why are you still paying for their blowjobs?
	The fucking firefighter's retirement fund.
	Fuck these guys.
	Where do you think they're getting the money for their blowjob?
	The fucking fireman's retirement fund.
	What?
	And then at the end, we were also right about the author writing herself into the movie, and she's just this stoic, wise truthsayer.
	And here she is in the update.
	We couldn't hear this, obviously, saying to Constance Wu that they did nothing wrong.
	Women have done nothing wrong.
	Believe all women.
	Destiny.
	I know I'm supposed to think that what you did was terrible and that these guys didn't deserve it.
	But to tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for them.
	They deserve it.
	Hey, young white males or middle-class white male family men, if you make money when other people don't, you deserve to be drugged and robbed.
	And the women who do it are superheroes.

▲