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Feb. 17, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
41:11
S02E125 - MAILBAG CATCHUP 1 [2020-02-17 - S02E125 - MAILBAG CATCHUP 1]
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Time Text
Take me out tonight Live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGuinness.
Driving in your car, I never never want to go home because I haven't got one because I haven't got one.
Doesn't have a home.
You know, if you want to have a fun thing in your city, have a Morrissey night.
It will take off.
Cool people will be there.
Hot chicks will show up.
Morrissey night.
Just play Morrissey, the Smiths, all night.
You could play other music too, but that's sort of the spine, like Ozzy radio, you know?
And you'll be popular.
The Boneyard.
You'll make friends.
That's what you should do in your town.
Talk to the bartender or the bar owner.
Say, hey, I want to have more.
What's your slowest night?
Mondays.
I want to have Morrissey Night here on Mondays.
What are you laughing at?
It's just a funny thing to demand.
You're not demanding shit.
You're saying I'm going to help you with business.
How's that funny?
I don't know.
It just seems silly because it's just so specific.
Well, I know it from, because in New York in the early aughts, Morrissey Night was a big thing.
And it was this fashion designer, Benjamin Cho, who has since OD'd on heroin, and this skater photographer, Pat Odell, who fucking did my wedding.
I got a hipster photography for my wedding, and he didn't take a picture of me and my wife.
She's not happy.
I photoshopped one of her standing and me standing, and I put it together.
I don't know if she knows that that's fake.
Wow.
It looks kind of stiff.
What a fucking retard.
Was that a free job or you paid him?
No, I paid him.
Good Chromeo play.
That's awesome.
I love Chromeo.
It was a fun, fun wedding.
I'm not here.
This is a pre-taped episode.
So today and tomorrow, we're just going to catch up on letters because you deserve content every day.
And the letters are piling up, and some of them are really good.
Like I'll look up a word in my email, like Scottish, and then I'll find some cool letter about some woman saying thank you for pushing family values and but also keeping it real, blah, blah, blah.
And shit like that.
It's funny that I use one of the most boring letters imaginable as an example of all the cool stuff that's hidden in the mailbag.
It's not a very good sell.
But yeah, I know for a fact that Morrisonites work and they attract hot chicks.
So do it in your town.
And I'm talking to you, Kansas City, and your burgeoning hipster scene.
That's the hot.
If you want looking for a place to move to, you're a young man, want to start again, you just broke up with your girl, you're not stupid enough to go to college, go to Kansas City.
It's like what Williamsburg was in 2000.
Holy fuck, that was 20 years ago.
Okay, should we do it?
Shall we dive in?
We should and we shall, because I think it is important to do the mailbag.
Thanks for your input, Ryan.
Ryan, shut up.
Ryan, shut up.
You don't have a dad left.
Let's turn our eyes together's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
You know, a lot of songs get on your nerves if you have to hear them every day.
That just is the gift that keeps giving.
It's great.
Who wrote that again?
Some spick?
Yes, I forgot his spicky name.
good work Spaniards um...
Question mark?
It's from Lauren.
That's a chick, right?
Can you be a dude named Lauren?
There's a guy at my gym.
He's a corrections officer from Rikers.
Guess what his name is?
Jim?
Courtney.
Ew.
And I, Yeah.
And I'm like, what's his name again?
It's like a chick name?
It's Jennifer?
But I can't call him Jennifer.
Could he beat you up?
Maybe.
We're a couple of the lower quality boxers at my gym.
In fact, he's known as the mayor of Twinkieville, and I'm the mayor of Cupcakeville.
So Twinkies and Cupcakes, pretty good fight.
Yeah.
Yeah, because a boy named Sue, I mean, he was tough for the same reason.
Yeah, this guy's, I mean, he's old.
He's got a white afro.
He's got white in his afro.
But Larry goes, yo, you a cupcake.
Get your hands up.
You the mayor of Cupcakeville.
Like, at least Cupcakeville is pretty, and the stadiums are open unlike your shithole hometown of Mount Vernon.
Oh, you a dope.
He said to me the other day, what would you do if I just started laying hands on you?
Just started drilling into you.
I go, I would pick you up and throw you through that fucking window so hard the black would come out of you.
And he's just like, ha ha, you crazy, man.
You crazy.
Why in the fuck isn't the live show from last night uploaded to the app or the website?
Mikey!
I thought I was going to lay my wife last Wednesday because it's hump day.
And she went off.
It was her birthday, so she went off to her friend's house.
And I brought flowers home and I was like, wondering what kind of moves I'm going to conjure up.
You know, they say that marriage is the same dinner again and again and again.
It's not.
It's the same kitchen with the same ingredients.
But who knows what we're going to make?
That's a great analogy.
Let's make lasagna tonight.
And I got there, and she'd already left.
And I realized I wasn't getting laid.
And I was just walking around the house going, Mikey!
Make him say yes!
You're causing a scene!
Send them to people at HEB or somewhere.
Hi, no, come on.
Thought I was going to get laid today!
Come on, wake him up!
I totally sympathize with her.
There's already people watching.
Just go.
Come on, just fucking Mikey!
Fucking Mikey.
You know what is going on, too?
In her head, she'd already got the crack.
Yeah.
So she's like, oh, it's going to be so fun.
I'll probably go to this guy's house.
I'll smoke it under the bridge.
And I'm going to get my crack pipe.
And I just, I'll be at Mikey's in like 20 minutes, and then it's on.
That's the one part of the day that could crumble everything.
Yeah.
And when he said no, that had never occurred to her.
Wait a minute, no crack?
I've been, I've already spent the crack in my mind.
I've already smoked it.
Wow.
Come on, make them say yes.
And she knows it's not happening too.
That's another reason that I was saying it as I walked around my house because I was like, Mikey!
He said he was going to do it earlier.
Sorry, lady.
I'm a longtime paying, newly pregnant listener.
No shit.
I work at a desk all day, and this show, along with a couple others, is the only thing that gets me through this fucking job every day.
Mikey.
Also, my pussy boyfriend is being a real bitch about our new oops edition until he finds where he placed his balls.
This shit is the only thing that keeps me seen.
Mike!
This is like the third time the fucking live show isn't up.
Because I'm all my shit.
I want to get the fuck out of here.
What?
Did something change?
For fuck's sake, man.
Other than that, I love the show.
You and Hermione are perfect hilarious, so fuck the haters.
Like your motherfucker, bye.
She's pregnant and she's cutting pissed.
Why do we take so long to put up the live show?
Well, it's exporting right now, but usually the streams...
Because I have our guy.
Our man from the Middle East.
My understanding is after you broadcast a live show, it instantly banks and it's up there, buddy.
Yes, but I have to.
But I don't see that.
No, sorry.
And plus, we don't want to put up last night's show because it was glitching.
Oh, the stream itself, yeah.
So, but it's not up, no.
Just fucking Mikey!
What a doll.
This is from Keith.
Oh, Google.
Not sure if you've seen the Norm McDonald bit on his short-lived sports show about Google trying to autocorrect searches.
Ryan, why aren't you searching for this?
I am.
Oh, he said that.
That's hilarious.
He would search things like WNBA highlights, and Google would ask if he meant NBA highlights.
Anyway, I tried to replicate it, and I could not find a single thing too ridiculous.
World's strongest woman, male vagina.
Doesn't happen.
Sports show with Norm McDonald was like nine years ago, so it's not surprising how much it's changed.
But it still gets me.
Like you more than a friend, not in a gay way.
So what's happened?
The Norm McDonald shows.
Show that on the screen, please.
Oh, that's no, that's a stand-up about something related.
Google WNBA.
Okay.
I got to go to Google because I use DuckDuckGoo.
WNBA Highlights.
No autocorrect here.
This is sounding like a dumb letter.
I shouldn't even have read it.
Well, that was 10 years ago.
Yeah.
Thanks for the 10-year-old meme.
Anyway, sorry about that, folks at home.
This is from Angelo.
95-5 rule explained a bit.
Now, to illuminate, I'm obsessed with how everything is 5%.
95% of people shouldn't go to secondary education.
Only 5% should.
That's the way it used to be in my dad's generation.
Only 5% went to college.
That's good.
5% of the people in prison deserve to be there.
5% of cops are the complete fucking assholes that everyone says they are, minus the murdering black people.
Everything is 5%.
By the way, I cannot find the Norman McDonald show clip that he's playing.
I don't care.
Okay.
Here he goes.
80-10, 90-10, 95-5 are all known as perito distributions, and they govern all aspects of our lives, including things like how much to tax before it impacts the economy.
That number is roughly 20% of GDP that may be taxed before the economy begins to suffer from overtaxation.
Isn't it amazing that I pay more like 50%?
When I got fired from the Blades, I got a severance package and I paid hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax.
Like if you were to spend it on a house, it would be a fucking mansion.
And that money is just in the paper shredder of the government.
It's not like it went to a Ute center.
95.5 governs productivity.
5% of your people make 95% of your business's productivity.
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
Human behavior, how we think, he puts in brackets, tends to follow Peridot distributions and biological traits.
What we are, such as IQ or height, follow a standard distribution more commonly known as the bell curve.
Love your new sunglasses.
It's I like your new sunglasses.
Vesh.
Yeah, there's the whole nature-nurture thing.
I remember David Cross and I would argue about that all the time because that's really what the right and the left comes down to.
The left says everything is nurture.
The right says everything is nature.
And it's weird because the left also says you're gay from birth.
You're born gay, born that way.
But then they deny any other nature.
And every time someone's bad, it's because society made them bad.
And they just need more education.
Education.
They just need a pamphlet saying don't rape.
But I remember he sent me this link and it said 50-50, nature-nurture.
And he goes, we're both right.
I go, no, dude, that survey is skewed.
And when they say 50% is nurture, 50% is nature.
They're including like a cleft palate or the fact that your mom and dad have a big nose and you have a big nose.
That's all irrelevant bullshit.
The frontal lobe, the brain, that's what matters.
And that is 95% nature, 5% nurture.
You get raped by your dad every day, you're going to be a shitty person.
But who you are is determined from birth.
And I can prove it.
Look at identical twins separated at birth.
They are 95% the same.
Whether they grew up in Paris or Korea, they'll have the same dog, the same car.
Their husbands will look similar, similar income.
They'll both work in film.
One reviews films, the other makes films.
Check this out.
What?
Got a submission.
That sucks.
What a waste of time.
That's amazing.
Another 95% letter.
Gavin, since homosexuals slash trannies only make up 5% of the population, perhaps you should dedicate only 5% of your show to them.
Actually, I think gays are 1% of the population.
Because think of your school.
They say gays are 10% of the population.
Really?
So in my class in high school, in my room of 30 kids, three of them were homosexuals?
No.
No, you're not, bitch.
You're just fucking gorgeous people.
All right.
And this is from Anthony.
Oh, no, this is complaining about the feed.
It's so weird that our viewers just see me as a friend and they can just say, hey, the feed's not working.
Oh, now it's working.
Hey, back up.
You're not my brother.
Damn, you're fucking making a scene.
That's fine.
Because I want my shit.
I want to get the fuck out of here.
I don't want.
Just give her the crack for crying out.
Yeah, dude.
Well, actually, judging by that update, she got the crack.
She also got a head tattoo.
I was trying to prevent that video that you're going to make in the future.
Talking about watching a live episode and you pondered what you should do while taking calls, what makes good TV?
Your reaction to the terrible story was great TV.
Badcallers for shitty.com is comedy gold.
Keep it up.
This is a guy from Switzerland, I think.
Ryan had a great idea.
It might be too expensive, but I get a tablet here.
And while people are calling, I do drawings of what they're calling about.
And there's some USB that goes to the TriCaster, and you can see on the big screen what I'm drawing.
Yep.
You know?
It's a cheap, dumb way to do that?
A very primitive idea.
We take away your camera and we put it on the ceiling.
Yes.
And then you have a dry erase board.
It's kind of fun.
Or it's behind you.
That sounds so primitive, though.
We have the technology.
I would rather use one of those tabs.
I'm only going to spend on that idea.
That's fair.
This is from Snuffy.
Oh, that's the werewolf pick that sucks.
People bitching with the live stream.
Stop fronting about your dog you fucking love Leroy.
I don't lie.
I never lie.
If I say something, I'm too lazy to lie.
You're like Shakira's hips.
Yeah.
This is from Cole.
Hey, dude, watch our video, which is almost as cringe as your God video.
It barely has any views.
I like you more than a friend.
Fuck me with my heels on.
By the way, a lot of people are ending letters with, I want to fuck you with my heels on.
We should just make that our greeting on the phone.
Okay, man.
All right.
I want to fuck you with my heels on.
See you guys.
Like when you're leaving the bar.
See you guys.
I want to fuck you with my heels on.
Me, what the fuck you got?
When are you going to get with my heels on?
I want to fuck you.
Her and Mikey really nailed a fucking hell.
That type of delivery is like, I'm taking over the ship.
I'm confident.
It's the opposite of Trump when he's going, she's a penniless mother, fucking walks in here.
She's like a fucking low-rate hooker.
She's a fucking low-rate.
F-U-Apostrophe N. She's like a fucking low-rate hooker.
You got their stupid crappy thing that has 789 views?
Fuck!
I just hate male toxic masculinity.
I just wish all guys would grow up and accept that feelings are far superior than facts.
Now, I know what you're thinking, but I was having a chat with my girlfriend.
Well, technically, I'm just her friend, but she's been really mad at this, like, Chad guy.
Oh, buddy!
What are you doing?
Um, who are you exactly?
Don't mind me, pal.
I would just bang your friend.
Oh!
And f ⁇ !
What are you wearing, Jay?
You're supposed to be a cook!
You're supposed to be attracted to black guys, dude!
Huh, what?
You know, Jay killed a lot of black guys in Cuba?
What is your problem?
This is the West, and the West is the best.
You can be whoever you want to be.
Oh, that's just you whitewashing, sad face.
And what's up with all this workers' revolution dribble?
I mean, you didn't realize the proletariat got filthy rich.
And you hate pipelines.
You're supposed to be a Marxist.
You're supposed to be a worker.
You can't be part of the revolution if you're not working.
Your very presence wrenched my existence.
Ah!
I will not apologize for that.
All right, we get it.
You know what you need?
Whew.
Nice camera.
That was a little too on the money, boys.
Like, it's just too literal.
You know what I'm saying?
A little bit.
You got to have some sort of angle there.
Is there a musical number?
Plus, isn't that shirt an anti-Shea shirt?
And that's how you get red-pilled, folks.
All right.
Pretty good.
I wouldn't fuck him with my heels on, but that was alright.
I wanted to fuck you with the heels on.
Hey, Gav, thanks for...
Thanks for bringing Justice for Liberty to our attention.
Please keep letting us know about any ways we can help.
For the sake of convenience, I think it would be nice if the donate page was somewhere on censored.tv, had links to things like Justice for Liberty, Defend Gavin, and the other important campaigns by it.
Good advice.
Good advice.
Justiceforliberty.com.
Now, this is a pre-tape, so hopefully by the time you see this, that number 20 will be 25.
Sremlane.
That's a shitty name, man.
Gavin, how the do you not know about the Uetsueten standoff?
What the fuck?
It's the biggest thing happening in Canada right now, and our piece of shit prime minister is doing nothing about it.
Radicals are trying to shut down our oil and gas industry.
Meanwhile, Sockboy is over in Africa promoting their oil and gas industry, trying to get a seat on the UN Council.
All right, maybe we should call a Canadian.
Who wish to eat?
let's see here i know just who to call good my name is jason charney good morning of this This dramatic confrontation unfolded on a logging road on the disputed land.
Do you understand that if you do not leave, you will be arrested?
I thought you took cultural classes to understand.
So, okay.
Right now, you're breaching the injunction.
Right now, we're having a misunderstanding then.
Police left, but tensions rose as people wondered what would happen next.
Up this road is where police have been arresting people.
This afternoon, though, those opposed to the pipeline blocked it with about a dozen vehicles.
That means police remain on the other side.
There is nothing you can say to make us stand down!
Media aren't being allowed in, but this scene was filmed by those who call themselves land defenders.
The only thing that I fear is that the world will continue to let this happen.
Yesterday, six people were arrested in the first of three camps set up by the Wet Suitin along the road.
That one will continue to let this happen.
Yesterday, six people were arrested.
I've seen you like things like that before.
Did at the first of three camps set up by the Wet Suit and along the road.
Now released this girl.
I went down here.
They grabbed my legs.
They pulled me out.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, you're on the show.
Good.
I'm putting you on the show.
Oh, great news.
What's going on with Wet Suetan?
What's going on with what?
Wet Suetan, this standoff about the pipeline with Indians in Canada?
Oh, yes.
The protesters are not Indians.
They look like Antifa.
All these actual Indian chiefs support it.
But these people are just thugs.
Huh?
So the Indian Chiefs want the pipeline.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry?
The Indian Chiefs want the pipeline.
It's good for business.
Of course, they all want it.
It's excellent.
But, however, Rebel News was up there, and they were interviewing one of the protesters.
The protester wouldn't speak to them, but the news reporter recognized him.
He's from Ontario.
He's not a native.
They're really just anti-capitalism at the end of the day.
I think it's this foundation that is anti-oil.
The Tides Found Foundation.
I think they're being financed by that.
Ezra had a good point.
Yeah, Ezra had a good point where he said, look, we have to get oil.
Let's get ethical oil from our own country rather than get it from the Middle East where they murder gays and rape women.
Nothing makes sense.
You know, I'm putting on the speaker here.
Hello?
Yeah, nothing makes sense.
What they're doing is importing oil from Saudi Arabia.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's ludicrous.
And then they're transporting oil by rail, which is really much, much more dangerous than a pipeline.
And burns more energy.
Oh, of course.
It's ridiculous.
It's much more costly.
And what's happening?
Because we can't get our oil to shore.
The Americans, you know, they're their only customer.
So they're in a wonderful negotiating position.
So we end up getting about 25% less than our oil than we would in the open market.
Fucking ridiculous.
All right, I got to get back to the show.
Bye.
He makes the line worse by putting his speakerphone on at his house.
Yeah, I'm recording this, dude.
How are you, my boy?
Absolutely A1.
So we got the gossip.
That's how you do your research.
This is how I do my research.
I talk to smart people.
And then when I bring up what the smart person said, and they go, you're fucking stupid.
I go, no, because I'm actually parroting what a smart guy said.
So like I'll say to a doctor, what's going on with this spike in esophagal cancer?
And he'll say, oh, it's heartburn.
These people are getting heartburn because they eat shitty food.
And so they're getting, you know, the, what do you call that one?
Acid reflux.
Acid reflux.
So then they're drinking fruity drinks and Gatorade and fucking garbage, Pepsi, to get the taste down, or taking anti-acid tablets.
So then their body's producing more acid to counter it, and they can't even feel it anymore.
So there's this acid war going on in their esophagus, and it burns away at it.
And I go, wow, you sound smart.
I'm going to repeat that.
I'm going to fuck you with my heels on.
And then I'm going to fuck you with my heels.
And then when I repeat that to someone, they go, no, no, no, that's not true.
And I'm like, oh, really?
So a doctor's wrong, is he?
So you're just a messenger.
That's how to be smart.
Let us tear up the stair floor tonight.
I want to give it to you.
I thought.
Instead of giving it to me, why don't you give George Foreman his nose back?
Ding-dong.
Wait, you didn't get it.
I got a lot of cues to show you.
I got a lot of tings to show you.
Fuck you.
She's even driving like Mikey.
Fuck you with my heels.
That would be cool.
You know what I want to say to that woman?
Okay, I'll go get Mikey and I'll get you a crack if you sing fuck you with your heels on.
Okay.
Fuck you with your heels.
Fuck you with my heels on.
I want to ride on your ding dong.
Mikey.
Fuck you with my heels on.
Yeah.
They say women aren't funny.
It's not true.
Women can be funny.
I don't want to fuck her, by the way.
Not just because she's ugly, but she's too intense.
Yeah.
Like, I like sex where I'm the boss.
I'll handle it.
You're just a canvas.
That whole thing, like, she's a total starfish.
I hate fucking her.
No, no, no.
I don't, you don't need to do anything.
You're the guitar.
I'm Jimi Hendrix.
I'll be moving everything around.
The vibe of I'm the captain now is not sexy to you.
Yeah, yeah.
I remember one time when I was very young, maybe like 18 or 19, I was dating this fucking insanely hot model chick, Amanda Ketching.
She's still hot at 50, but she tied me up, which I never tried before and haven't done since.
I don't do not like it at all.
It's not a good feeling.
And then she, it was in the summer and over my body, my whole body, she slowly traced an ice cube over my nipples.
Technically gay sex.
And I was sitting there.
First, I undid the knot because I didn't like the feeling of not being in control.
So now I'm free, but I just left my hands there for her.
And then she, and then I was, my teeth were chattering.
I was freezing by the time she was done.
Amanda Ketching?
C-A-T-C-H, yeah.
C-A-A-T-T.
You might have to look up, like, she probably lives in Toronto now.
I'm talking about 1988.
Oh, wait.
No?
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's her.
Wow.
She's 50 years old now.
Imagine how fucking hot she was when she was 17.
Yeah, that's her.
That's one of the hottest chicks I ever went out with.
I know she doesn't blow your mind now.
She's fucking what's her name's age?
Very pretty.
Who's the chick?
And that's no makeup, too.
Who's the chick who everyone makes fun of?
The blonde that's on Donald Trump's cabinet?
And they're all like, Kellyanne Conway.
She's Kellyanne Conway's age.
Leave her the fuck alone.
Hey, you bastards.
jerks.
Now, wait, now I have to...
Uh-oh.
I like looking up my exes.
We are doing a show here.
Jasmine Louignon was my other favorite.
Look her up.
She's aged really well, too.
L-O-I-G-N-O-N.
She was the one I was.
I almost married her.
Very Google-able.
She was number two in line.
Yeah, look at the one with the suspenders.
That's her now.
She's probably 45.
Early 40s.
Look how fucking hot she is.
I'm so glad we used DuckDuckGo instead of Google.
Look at this crap.
It's all the way over to the right-hand side.
Is that Google you're in?
Yeah.
Well, get out of Google.
DuckDuckGo rules.
I had to Google for Amanda catching.
I want to fuck you with my heels on.
Yeah.
I want to ride on your ding-dong.
Can somebody make an acoustic version of that?
That's so masculine.
You want to ride on my ding-dong?
Ding-dong?
What?
That goes back to what we were saying at the other show about women, female foreigners don't get like sex.
They're not good.
They don't get the great American way.
Or the Puerto Ricans go a little too far.
Like that guy, Mark Ryan, who fished out a condom from a lady's vagina that he was having sex with from behind as she chewed bubblegum and had pigtails.
And he's like, I just found a condom in your vagina.
Or probably said pussy.
And she's like, I know, that's bugged out, right?
Yeah, that's one of my favorite things ever.
It's one of my favorite things ever.
You know how they ended up with them?
They're two white guys, hardcore dudes, like old New York punk dudes.
And they go, hey, no one we know has ever fucked a Puerto Rican.
Oh, this is what, yeah, yeah.
They just decided.
Trevor Simser and Mark Ryan.
Just get Chinese food, basically.
Yeah, like let's try Chinese food.
I've never had Thai before.
So they just started going up to Puerto Ricans.
We're like, yo, what's up?
And they go, hey, what's going on?
I'm Mark.
You want to go hang out?
And they'd never spoken to a white guy.
See, they say New York City is a melting pot, and we're all together on the subway.
No.
There's the Hasidic Jews who don't know anyone.
There's the Puerto Ricans and their culture.
They don't know anyone.
One of them fucked a Japanese guy.
That's pretty rare.
Then there's like the upper middle class white people.
There's the Irish working class.
It's all different planes.
And narrow the two shall meet.
So they jump from one plane to another and they're in another dimension.
They were just fucking Puerto Rican chicks for like months.
Yeah, it's like, and then Puerto Rican chicks, mostly raised by Disney, they see Pocahontas and they're like, oh, this is like some John Smith meets Pocahontas shit.
I never thought of that.
They probably, you know, have you ever fucked a Puerto Rican?
Yes.
And what are they like?
I'd imagine they want to ride on your ding bang.
Okay, wait.
This is pretty embarrassing.
All right, so the one that reminds, the one I'm reminded of right now, she kind of looked like John Leguizamo, but like in Tu Wong Fu?
So hideous.
No, she was.
Oh, you think John Leguziamo is hot and dry?
She's the hottest one in that group, yes.
Should I not have said that?
No, but why would you look up John Laguziamo and not John Laguziamo in Wang Fu?
Who's Laguzi Ammo?
Whatever.
I don't need to know that Uzi.
Is it my Uzi ammo?
Is that French for what you put in an Uzi ammo?
Okay, hurry up.
Finish this stupid story that no one wants to hear.
DuckDuckGo is kind of letting me down.
Really?
I'm trying to search.
Two strikes, Duck Duck.
John Leguizambo, Tuwang Fu, and nothing came up.
Watch this.
This is a.
Okay, wait, that doesn't look too good.
That looks pretty good, actually.
She blamed.
You know, when you take a conch cell from the beach, you have to kill it.
You have to let the conch die, and then you have a conch shell, right?
Right, sure.
So in the morning, she said, I just let you know, like, I don't stink or whatever.
Like, we have a conch shell over there.
And I was like, whatever.
I'm out of here.
I had to hide from her mom.
I had to hide behind the couch, really.
Yeah, while she was getting ready for work, and I was just like, this isn't going to work.
She's going to come over here and see me.
But it worked.
Yeah, it worked.
And how old were you?
This is when I was like bartending, so maybe 23.
And did she ride on your ding-dong?
Yes.
Yo, G-Dog and Fuckface.
Have you heard of this sad story?
This 18-year-old girl had complications during implant surgery and is brain dead now.
Young girls and implants, your show rules don't ever stop.
For Favour, I like your new sunglasses.
That is the correct pronunciation of our saying.
Colorado teen 18, severely brain damaged after implant surgery gone wrong.
Oh no, and she's Asian too.
What a waste.
Asians never have shitty tits.
Even when they have huge droopers, like they never have pancakes.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Why is that talking about bar?
I don't know.
I clicked the thing and that's what it shows me.
It's false.
Oh my lord.
How brutal is that?
Is she like a young girl?
She's Vietnamese, Nguyen.
No, she's 18.
So yes, she is a young girl.
What the fuck was the matter with your little Vietnamese tits?
Look at her.
Wow, that sucks.
Jesus H. Christ.
She saved up to $6,000 for the procedure.
Oh my Lord.
And of course, everyone's mad at the doctors.
No, I'm mad at you for allowing your daughter, your child.
18 is a child.
To get pussy advertisements.
That's what fake tips.
Like, a 13-year-old is basically an 11-year-old, and an 18-year-old is basically a 13-year-old.
They're not that different.
Much more emotional, probably 18 than 13.
Obviously, there's the libido starting, but what the fuck have you done to our 8?
Our 7.8?
Such a petty correction.
I can give her two points.
0.2?
Yeah.
Oh, this is a bad thing.
I want to ride on your ding-dong so bad.
She's not riding on anyone's ding-dong.
She is a ding-dong.
Yeah.
One time I had this family that lived down the street from me, and they introduced me to their au pair who was from China.
And she had some complicated name like I should do a whole show on China.
You should just do a whole show in fake Chinese.
你好吗?
我吃素我吃老师 我睡着同时老师 Those are all words.
Really?
Yeah.
They're so fucking different than us.
I could do a whole show.
I was on a bus once, and it was super hot.
And we were in Taiwan, heading to Kaocheng from Taipei.
And I'm talking to the guy next to me, and like sounds like, ha, ha.
All I knew was Sui Jiao is thirsty.
I'm like, oh, Sui Jiao, Sui Jiao.
Oh, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It's like a Mr. Bean episode.
And then the bus finally pulls in and they're selling hot corn.
No butter, just corn.
Like corn on the cob, but just hot.
And he's like, oh, he pats me on the back.
I'm like, no.
And then he runs out and he pays whatever ching pongs.
And he's eating it like, oh, I was so toasty.
Now I'm eating corn.
What?
Why don't you have some graham crackers and dry Cheerios with it?
Piece of bread crust.
That's the idea that you eat.
When you're thirsty, grab some breadcrust.
Wow.
He pats you on the back.
Oh, look, look.
Gatorade corn blast.
Fuck.
Wow.
Want some hot sauce on it?
You fucked that.
Speaking of hot sauce.
But yeah, what was I talking about?
Wait, wait, wait.
The hot corn, does that make you salivate or something?
Do you think?
You know?
It's the last thing I want.
Oh, yeah, I forgot my story.
So they go, this is our old pair.
Her name's Ping Ping.
And I guess she just figured that was easier to say.
And then one time I was walking my dog and I went by their house and no one was home.
And she was on their piano and she was just going, ping, ping, dong, ping, ping.
Like not making a song, just plinking the way a dog would.
And the next time I saw him, I go, hey, man, I got some bad news for you.
I think ping ping might be a ding-dong.
And I was laughing so hard that I couldn't explain what I was talking about.
So silly.
A live stream that doesn't live stream ever.
Love it.
He's mad.
You know how many letters we've gone through today?
We've done one day of emails.
So I was naive to think that we'd be taking a big chip out of this.
It's like the government debt.
And I think we're out of time.
Let's do one more.
All right.
Oh, more people recommending music to me.
Why are you doing that?
Like, what are the odds I'm going to like your music?
Was it the John Butler trio?
Yeah.
Hey, Gavin, check out the John Butler trio.
Are they like the John Spencer Blues explosion?
Any song will do.
But below are a few good suggestions.
Tahitian Blue, only one.
Spring to come.
Fire in the sky.
I've been waiting for you so long.
Can't get to the swing song?
Let's rock to a slow song.
Let's fuck to a slow song.
She's the kind of girl where I bet if you were in a relationship with her, this happens once in a lifetime where the woman wants to have way more sex than you do.
And you wake up and she's blowing you and you're like, come on.
I got to get on with my days.
Let's hear this stupid shitty band.
So it's like a country vibe?
It looks like.
Why aren't you showing anyone this?
I think that's filmed on my road.
A road near my house.
It's really choppy here on the feed.
I could never do that skateboarding, that thing where you slide to stop.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Could never get it.
I had a skateboard my whole childhood and I could never fucking do anything.
Could never fucking do anything.
I could barely ollie.
I could maybe ollie over a tennis ball.
Where's the John Butler trio from?
This is pretty good.
It looks like Kings Road near my grandparents' house.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You're taking me down Don't Care Avenue.
All right.
You win.
That was a good suggestion.
Good sounding band.
Real southern sounding.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
Sabah.
Sabah.
Oh, oh, oh.
Take me home to my people and I want to see life.
Driving in your car.
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