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Jan. 10, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
53:39
GOML LIVE #29 | HOW TO FIGHT

While exploring the greatest hits of the week and going through Harvey Weinstein's charges, we step into the ring and demonstrate the best way to kick the crap out of professional boxers. Then we take a heap of calls and there is a ton of advice giving to the kids today.

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I guess I'm supposed to wear this shirt.
Is that Johnny Apple CBD?
It is Johnny Apple CBD.
That's our sponsor.
I don't wear shirts with stuff on them.
Unless I'm kidding.
A man should not have a shirt that has anything on it after the age of 29.
Especially bands.
No one gives a shit if I like motorhead.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Not gonna do it.
How old are you?
You're 30.
You can't wear anything on your shirts.
I don't like wearing anything on my shirts.
You got your tag sticking up.
You'll happily be, you'll happily shill for Keckles, though.
Why don't I see what shirt you have on?
I will not do Kegels for Keckles.
I will not shill for Shekels.
Kegels for Keckles.
Let's see.
Your shirt.
All right.
Here I go.
Here he comes.
I don't like any logos on my shirt.
Logos.
I saw Bert Kreischer on Twitter talking about how many t-shirts he has.
And he has like hundreds and hundreds of shirts with like jokes and a bear and a gun.
And I don't know.
When you're a grown man with kids and your shirt says like, get the fuck out of here.
You can put like boardwalk jokes.
Now, what a team.
You can have the Mets.
You can have your team.
Not against that.
Although, it is weird having a man's name on your back.
It is.
Cindergaard.
He's my favorite, the gorgeous Swedish hunk.
Dave Landau.
Talk to Dave Landau about that.
He's got, looks like he shops at Target.
He's got ACDC shirts.
I know.
I hate that.
I love Dave Landau, but I hate that about him.
I know.
Those jokes and like KISS and a South Park joke.
I wear a Mets shirt where the KISS is dressed as the Mets, but I'm kidding.
It's a joke, yeah.
You don't have a cool shirt that says fucking KISS.
Hi, I'm 49.
I think KISS are really good.
Back in the New York Groove.
Actually, I also have a shirt that says back in the New York Groove, but it's a Mets shirt.
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Speaking of workouts, I just got back from the gym and the fear thing is just so exhausting.
And I think it's justified.
Here's the deal.
I mentioned this on the show before, but when you are just hitting the heavy bag or even going up to the coach and hitting his pads, left, right, left.
No problem.
I'm not even that tired.
And that's nailing, like that's hurting his hands through the map.
Then you get in the ring in a real fight.
And the rounds are, I think, three minutes long.
One minute in, you're just like, can we stop?
And it's fear.
Fear makes you tired.
But it's not like it's a dumb phobia like ghosts.
You do get punched in the head really hard.
Like I have a headache now.
I got hit in the head so many times.
So my fear was justified.
And, you know, he gets you with a left hook in the ear.
You can't hear for like 10 seconds.
It hurts.
And I guarantee you, tomorrow, when I touch my forehead, it'll feel tender and bruised.
That's true.
So it's a funny thing.
And I went up to Tommy.
I've got a video I want to show you of me kicking the shit out of this guy, Tommy, poor bastard.
But I went up to Tommy, not Hydroman, the big Tommy.
And I said, God, this fucking fear.
It's like playing hockey if your life depends on winning or going into a mosh pit.
Like it just drains you dry.
How do you do it?
And he goes, why do you think I had to stop that last round?
And I said, because you said you were going to barf.
They had a barf bucket for you.
And he goes, no, I gave myself a panic attack.
He said, I start getting tense.
I bite down on my mouth guard.
This is him talking.
I forget to breathe.
And the next thing I know, I'm having a panic attack.
It's fucking scary fighting.
And it doesn't get any less scary.
I even tried mind games too, where I'm like, okay, I'm just going to pretend I'm on heroin.
And then you go, I'm going to relax.
Then you get you get punched in the head.
You can't relax.
I even tried, this guy was Swedish.
And I tried like hating Swedes.
I was like, you fuckers, what have you done to masculinity?
You pussies with your refugees.
Welcome here.
Oh, your women are getting raped.
You're ruining your own country.
You fucked hard.
That didn't help.
I've even tried when fighting black guys to try to be racist.
Maybe that would give me more energy.
God damn Negro, we got another one in here.
Fuck, I hate you guys.
That doesn't work because you're like, now you're fighting Andrew in an improv troop.
Yeah.
Doing a little dramatical character.
You're burning, you're burning extra calories, burning more gas.
It doesn't work.
There's no trick.
What about love?
Yeah, but now you trust the guy and you're vulnerable.
Like when I fight Tommy, I'm basically gay for him.
And he still fucks me up.
Yes.
Sometimes I'm suspicious of some of these guys.
Like the young guys with in great shape.
They go, hey, are you moving around today?
Yeah, I could.
Why are you so eager, though?
Like, guys my age aren't going, hey, you moving around?
But young guys can't wait to get me in the ring.
And I think it's because they want to beat the fuck out of an old man.
That's me.
It's what I'm trying to say is I'm a victim of ageism.
You think being black is hard?
Try being old.
It sucks.
Have you seen my brother Harvey Weinstein going to court with his little tennis ball walker?
That's what it's like for us.
We have trouble walking.
Well, there he is.
That's bad.
I can't rape.
I'm too weak.
Too weak to rape.
Actually, America has become so annoying, the culture, pop culture, social media, that we found ourselves this week defending Harvey Weinstein.
That's right.
It's a weird feeling.
And Jeffrey Epstein.
Because I was thinking, like, wait a minute, how old were these girls?
They keep saying he fucked kids, but it's not like he had four-year-olds on his island.
I thought he did.
No, that's the thing.
Like four-year-old, you imagine four-year-old boys getting raped, and you go, that's a bad guy.
Or tied up.
I think they were like 17.
That's legal, I think, in America.
I think the age of consent is 17.
It's not my cup of tea, but some of them were 16.
Or were some of them 14?
Yeah, that's terrible.
You know who fucked 14-year-olds?
David Bowie.
Alice Cooper.
David Bowie and his wife.
Jimmy Page.
Keith Moon.
They all fucked the same 14-year-old groupie.
I did a video about him.
Yep.
What are you looking up now?
What are you looking up, you tard?
Rock stars with young girl.
Rock star, and then a bunch of young girl rock stars show up.
You suck.
You suck.
You just look up groupie.
Of course, you're going to see a bunch of Halloween costumes.
You should look up like Jimmy Page Groupie.
Fuck.
11 rock star who allegedly slept with underage girl.
Yeah, do we hate, do we hate Jimmy Page as much as we hate Jeffrey Epstein?
Actually, was that in the notes?
This is kind of a tangent, but they had all his charges, Harvey Weinstein's charges.
Here I am defending Harvey Weinstein, the awesome Harvey Weinstein.
Here's my point.
It's called a casting couch.
This is your culture, Hollywood, and it's been going on forever.
Women blowing directors in order to get a movie role.
Gays blowing gay directors in order to get a movie role.
If you did that, you're an expensive prostitute.
You're not a victim.
Now, if you were raped, then call the fucking cops.
And if you don't, then you're complicit in his future attacks.
So you're partly responsible.
Yes, I am blaming the victim.
Yeah, but it's so hard.
620,000 men died in the Civil War.
You can be uncomfortable catching a rapist.
Yeah, but if you didn't blow him, you'd be kicked out of the industry.
Okay.
If Harvey Weinstein said, you either blow me or a censored TV is done.
Censored TV is done.
It's time to get a trade.
I'm going to welding school.
Happened to me a million times in advertising.
Homo said, if you would let me blow you, you could have got this contract.
And I said, well, I'm not a fucking whore.
I know, this is crazy.
I'm shocking myself, but I don't really know what he did.
Like, there's the Lauren Savon one is my favorite one because that's clear-cut.
He was jerking off in a restaurant kitchen, and she couldn't get past him.
And then he jizzed into a plant.
But that's sexual assault.
She should have called the cops the next day.
The rest of these charges, like the Marissa Tome one, he said, blow me.
She said no.
He made sure she never worked again.
Her brother should beat him up, but is that illegal?
What he did?
Anyway, go back to the list.
Let's see some of these because I'm talking out of my ass.
I actually can't read these very well.
Just go, Jesus, there's 100 of them.
Go to the first one.
Let's start at number one.
We're not going to go through all 100.
Amber Anderson, known for the Riot Club.
She said he coerced her into a private meeting.
He behaved inappropriately, inappropriately, and propositioned a personal relationship to further my career.
Whilst bragging, ew, I hate the word whilst.
Whilst bragging about other actresses, he had helped in a similar way.
He tried to take my hand and put it in his lap, which is when I managed to leave the room.
It's a boring story.
That's called a creep.
Yeah.
This doesn't belong in court.
Lisette Anthony, an English model, an actress of husbands and wives.
That's my second favorite movie after Animal House.
I guess she played the mistress.
Is that with Eugene Levy?
No.
No, not that one.
An English model, blah, blah, blah.
She told that Weinstein raped her in her home in the late 80s.
Why didn't you call the cops?
Who the fuck gets raped and doesn't call the cops?
Somebody doesn't want to lose their job.
If I was raped, I would devote my life to revenge.
Right.
I'm not even sure I'd be satisfied with him thrown in jail.
I'd want to like cut his eyes out.
I wouldn't be like, let's just, can we just forget it?
I'd roll him in a carpet and put it in a pool.
I'd chop his legs off and then slowly feed them to him in a soup.
An Italian actress, we know Asia Argento, she killed Anthony Bourdain.
Whoa.
Did you know?
Allegedly.
Well, she cheated on him with her best friend.
He'd just come out of a divorce.
He was weak.
He had been a junkie.
He probably went back on Smack.
But anyway, when he realized that Asia doesn't love him or that she's with his best friend, he felt so betrayed.
He offed himself.
She didn't get any shit for that, by the way.
Talk about female privilege.
In fact, you know what I heard about that whole thing?
The photographer who took the picture of Asia with Anthony's buddy felt terrible.
Yeah, it's your fault, dude, for noticing her cheating.
Anyway, let's go back to Asia as I defend the fattest, most disgusting piece of shit in American history.
She told the New Yorker that in 1997, when she was 21, Weinstein asked for a massage and forcibly performed oral sex on her at a hotel in France.
Forcibly performed?
Well, you should have called the cops.
Why didn't you call the cops the next day?
Why are we hearing about this a decade later?
What's next?
So are any of these, yeah, these are either rape or bullshit.
And if they were rape, you should have called the cops.
Jessica Barth, we're only at number five.
We'll stop at this one.
The 37-year-old actress from the TED Films told the New Yorker he invited her to a business meeting as Barley El's hotel room at times of Golden Globes.
Barth later recalls he had champagne waiting and alternated between offering her, offering to cast her in a film and demanding a naked massage.
She claims that when she moved toward the door to leave, Weinstein lashed out saying that she needs to lose weight to compete with Mila Kunis.
Good tip.
The fuck's the matter with that?
You got a free tip?
This is in a courtroom.
This is wasting our time in court?
That's the thing.
It's like unpleasant experiences dilute the rape ones and the rape ones.
It's not a crime to be a disgusting pig.
Yeah, to try.
Well, slow down, Ryan.
We're talking about the law here.
You're defending him as a person.
He's a shit stain.
Dude, he tried to hook up with my sister, Cynthia.
Burr.
Anyway, that's the crazy, that's the problem with Clown World, is you start defending demons from hell just to spite the left.
That's the problem with what?
Clown World.
This is the front page.
Megsit, Megan Markle, and Prince Harry are trying to distance themselves. from the royal family and try to become more independent.
We're going to take a moment here on the show to try to care about that.
Let's have a moment of silence as we summon everything we can from the tips of our toes up our ankles.
See if you can drum up a milligram of care.
Oh, I'm trying.
I feel there might be like a little grain of rice making its way up my femoral artery.
No, oh, that's a fart.
Oh, anything?
It's a grain of sand?
No.
Don't fucking.
How could you care?
I actually fell asleep back there.
If a piano fell on their heads, I'd go, oh, that's freaky.
On whose heads?
I don't know.
Pianos are dangerous.
And they still do that?
They lift a piano outside the building and then take it through like a big bay window.
I mean, I guess they're really heavy.
How often does that happen?
You get insurance for that?
You get so bored, he gets senile.
Piano?
Piano, Phil.
Hi, Hachi.
I was watching Strangers with Candy with my daughter last night.
It was such a fucking hilarious episode.
Strangers with Candy.
It's just the gift that keeps on giving.
How many episodes you got?
Oh, there were several seasons.
But they find out Jerry Blank, she's trying out to be a cheerleader and she can't read.
And they're going, give me a V, give me an I, give me a C, give me a T, give me an O, give me an R, give me a Y. What does that spell?
And she goes, win.
And they go, Jerry Blank can't read.
And then when she, the teacher hires, teacher is sort of put on her case because the principal is embarrassed that one of his students can't read.
And she goes, I can read.
Look, desk, desk, pen, pen, window.
30 episodes.
And then there's so many jokes you couldn't do today.
Like he's holding up cards and she's identifying them.
And he holds up an A and she goes, TP.
And then she holds up a capital I and she goes, doggy bone.
And then he holds up a capital E and she goes, pitchfork on its side with the handle broken off.
And then he stops and stares at her.
And then she goes, faggot.
And he goes like that.
And she goes, it's just a reading joke.
Meanwhile, you have in the hangover, they go, paging Dr. Faggot.
And huge backlash now against that.
And Todd Joker guy.
What's his name?
The director of the Joker.
Todd Phillips.
Todd Phillips.
Todd Phillips goes, comedy's gotten too politically correct.
You can't be funny anymore.
And then the backlash is like, oh, yeah, paging Dr. Faggot is funny.
Yeah.
It was a very hilarious scene because the doctor, the dentist, was just talking about how his friends are mature and he's going to have a great weekend.
So, yeah, I have a headache.
Every time I cough, it hurts because I got punched in the head by a Swede.
I was talking to him initially about this movie that changed my life.
Holy shit, is it good?
It might have squeezed into my top 10.
It's called First Major.
French name, but it's Swedish.
I guess there's plenty of Swedish-French people.
Or maybe that just looks the same in as French as in Swedish, but it's not in the notes.
It's about a father who is on a ski trip with his wife and his two kids, and he represents not just masculinity, but Swedish masculinity.
Anyway, there's an avalanche, spoiler alert.
They think they're going to die.
And as she grabs the kids, she's not really strong enough to pick them up.
He grabs his phone and his mitts and runs in the opposite direction.
Jeez.
And she can't get over it.
Wow.
And nor can he.
And it's such a brilliant movie for so many reasons.
And one of them is: we all know that if it happened to us, we would put the table down and put the kids behind us and make sure we batten the hatches, right?
Let's turn it up.
The music is cool too.
What do you want?
I think I used wind so that you could come back and grab them up.
That's the guy from Game of Thrones.
in it.
In a way it's praising those guys.
That's kind of a Proud Boys moment.
He's a sobbing mess.
Force majeure.
But yeah, the scary part is what the fuck.
What if that happened to you and you did grab your phone?
What if you don't know that you're a pussy?
Because you don't really know until there's a home intruder or some guy on the subway slaps your mom.
Now we all go, fuck that.
I wouldn't fucking get it.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And I agree.
I am 99.999% sure I would hospitalize the guy.
But what if I just sat there and went, we never did anything to you?
Yeah, what's the brain?
You'd never be like, you have to kill yourself.
You'd never be able to live with yourself.
Anyway.
I don't know if I've ever done anything brave.
Did you hear what Ryan just said?
I don't know if I've ever done anything brave.
You had in a fight the other day with that guy.
That was over the summer.
But that was really good.
I went to Ryan's apartment the other day.
He has PPTSD.
What's PPTSD?
No, he has PRPTSD.
Puerto Rican?
Puerto Rican post-traumatic stress syndrome.
What is that?
Where you just eat Fritos?
No, it's when you put your sugar in the fridge in a bag, even though there hasn't been a roach in your building ever.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Never seen a roach.
He keeps his sugar in a plastic bag sealed in his fridge.
So the roaches are like, oh.
Well, I give him zero reason to hang out.
Give who?
There's no roaches in your building, dude.
In a building, there's roaches.
There's got to be.
No, there is not.
You know, he had sugar before that was out.
And I go, whatever happened to that sugar.
And he goes, I think the roaches ate it.
They crawled up into the box, ate all the sugar, turned it to shit, I guess, and left.
So everyone was just sprinkling, everyone who came over, had a coffee, they were sprinkling roach shit.
Not true.
And I know this about Puerto Ricans.
They're paranoid about Larry Bronx.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've had Larry Izzo, ex-exterminator, come over and he did a thing.
He was like, no, you're good.
I was like, I don't believe you.
Because you have PRPTSD.
You know what Puerto Ricans do?
After they have a pizza, it's obviously very hard to get it into the garbage.
They put it in the sink.
I don't.
Wet it and get good at wetting it, if you will.
And then they roll it into a tube, bend that, and put that in the garbage.
I don't, but I know what you're talking about.
That's how, yeah, that would make sense.
You're traumatized.
Damn it.
That was really well done, dude.
Really sweet.
And be good at it, if you will.
Oh, just in time.
You are going to take Fred's job away from him over at Stern.
We don't give a damn.
I don't know how he's that fast with those.
I was watching a clip with David Spade talking about something, and he's talking about he's creeped out, so then a horror thing comes up.
Like, does he just have a bunch of buttons or does he have a single story?
I have some theories.
Yeah.
Here's my theory.
Those of you who don't listen to Stern, you don't know what we're talking about, but Fred has these, his co-worker, who he's been with forever, has these audio drops where he'll talk about a fart and then he'll...
I think he has four iPads.
And each sound has an icon.
So the fart is a butt.
And he's memorized them over time.
And so it's instinctual.
Now, there's esoteric ones where he has to go on his computer and put in a search word, right?
Like a lady falling down the stairs.
He only does that one once a year.
But as far as the heavy rotation ones, it's four iPads and just a ton of pictures.
Okay.
Oh, I see.
Bloop.
Yeah, because the images would, yeah, there's no way you could read.
But then he did tape stuff too, right?
Is that Fred there?
Yeah.
I've never seen what he looks like.
No way.
You know what's funny about Stern?
Every time you look up the guy, you go, that's exactly what it is.
Yeah, that is weird.
Jackie looks like Jackie sounds like I've never seen that guy, Fred Norris, before.
I didn't even know his last name was Norris.
That's crazy.
That's exactly what he sounds like.
So you've never seen Private Parts?
No.
You would love it, wouldn't you?
Yeah, whatever.
Look at all those tapes.
He usually has one mediocre movie, and he's the king of all media.
Woo-hoo of the cute.
You're the king of movies, Howard.
I want to show you some fighting tips and how you can beat up anyone you want.
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And speaking of betting, would you like to see me step in the ring with a heavyweight who's been, he's, I don't know his record.
I think he's got 40 fights, 38 and 2.
And the twos were not KOs.
They were indecisions.
He's got an incredible record, and he's putty in my hands.
And I'm about to explain why.
Hey, guys.
Let's talk about the sweet science, the science of boxing.
This is me in the ring with a giant guy.
You can see he's got a tattoo of a boxer on his arm.
He's obviously been doing this for a long time.
He's a heavyweight.
So it seems crazy that I would get in the ring with him.
But I know so many techniques that I can fight anyone.
That's the beauty of this sport, is it's all about the chess moves you got up here.
So you can see, you can see the first thing I'm doing even before I start the fight is my stance.
Think of yourself as a piece of paper, right?
If you didn't want to be hit when you were a piece of paper, you turn sideways.
Now you're just a line.
So I start out the fight as a skinny line that can't be punched.
All right, let's start the battle.
Teasing him out there, just getting a fee.
I'm feeling him out here, feeling where he's at.
I don't have to put my hands up by my face.
Oh, just pause.
Did you see what I did there?
I dipped down and got the body.
He's taller than me.
His head's hard to get to.
Whoa, did you see that move?
I don't even remember that.
Look at me, deke.
I go down, I hit the body, down, hit the body.
I'm just going to slowly chip away at his ribs and his stomach until he can't breathe anymore.
If I get a chance to hit the head, that's fine.
But for the most part, I'm just going to keep beating away at that torso, that core, and breaking him down that way.
Sometimes the head is a treat that you don't get to have.
Okay, so now stop.
Now I'm talking shit and getting in his head.
That's another thing.
I learned that from the great Ali.
I don't know what I'm saying now.
I'm probably calling him a bitch.
He's not a bitch.
But if I can get bitch into his head, I can scare him a little bit.
Tom.
The fucking balls going to me like that.
Pause.
Did you hear that?
I said, you got fucking balls stepping to me like that.
Now I got the fear in him.
And this is when I set up for what I like to call the 360 punch.
Okay?
So I instill fear.
You know, when you have prostate cancer, they put radioactive isotopes in your taint.
I'm planting a radioactive isotope in his taint.
That makes him weak.
And then I prepare for the 360.
Now, the 360 happens so fast that you're going to think you're just you're watching the Tasmanian devil.
So you may have to slow-mo this, but it's a cracker of a punch.
Ready?
Did you see that?
Now, I didn't happen to connect, but if I had, he would definitely be unconscious right now.
Watch it in slow motion.
And he doesn't know what I'm doing.
I turn away.
Whack.
Didn't actually connect, but what a whack that should have been.
And he's pretending to laugh there in order to hide his fear.
Can we just watch it one more time?
Can you imagine if that connected?
Now, I have to keep him distracted.
And I don't know if you're familiar with the scissor kick, where you lift up one leg and then use the momentum to do another leg.
Technically, you're not allowed to kick in boxing, but you can flail your legs around.
And that shows your opponent that you're in great shape.
You got a lot of gas in the tank.
And it also makes him look down, which makes him vulnerable to an uppercut.
Let's watch this.
Get him down.
And pause.
Did you see that?
I do the scissor kick, not just to distract him and get his eyes down, but to get myself low for an uppercut.
Look at that.
I'm at least four feet in the air there.
Up we go.
Up and down.
And then I come up.
And boom, get him in the stomach again.
This guy's going to be shitting blood for two weeks.
Okay, so I've planted, whoa, I've planted some isotopes in his taint.
I did the 360.
I did the scissor kick.
Now he thinks it's his turn.
This is where you really got to put up, you really got to maximize the head bobbing and weaving.
And watch how intense I get with it.
You can't get me.
What is that head moving?
Are you feeling daring?
Mariello doesn't know what to do.
He is starving.
You hear that?
Doesn't know what to do.
Oh, just pause.
That's the last thing I'll show you.
Great trick I learned from Terrence Crawford.
You go low, hit the body.
He's like, what's this guy hitting my body for?
Oh, my body, my body.
As he's thinking about his body, overhand right to the head.
Boom.
Did I connect that one?
Look at him.
He's petrified.
Basically, I hit him.
So, folks, boxing isn't about who's the biggest, who's the strongest.
It's about who's the smartest.
And clearly, in this fight, I'm much smarter than my opponent, and that's why I was able to beat the living shit out of him.
You're welcome.
That song, people keep asking us, who is that band?
That's our buddy who made it.
So, do you want me to tell people who you are?
He goes, yeah, no, you're not really good for my brand.
I'll be ostracized in the community if people find out that I made you that song.
You'll be ostrich-sized.
Cancel culture is real, folks.
Even your friends don't want to be around you.
Let's briefly.
So, that was a fantastic piece.
When Ryan saw it, he said, Was that a real fight?
Yeah.
Imagine having a brain like that.
I bet if I did a CAT scan, it's just like a little mouse's brain.
Why would you try to find a mouse's brain with a CAT scan?
But that's the kind of fun, fun thing we do on this.
So, I know subscribers don't want to hear this.
And by the way, subscribers are going to be taking calls at about 9, and that won't be free.
This is free on YouTube.
So, I like to show the public what an incredible show this is.
That's right.
And I'm such a pariah, I can't really get guests.
No one wants to be associated with me.
So, I'm my own guest.
And this week we had a scoop.
We proved that James Corden is a sex comedian.
At least that's his past.
He was in a sexual sitcom called Gavin and Stacey, wherein he was sodomized with a double dong.
And the fact that this man has become America's family's friendly sweetheart just shows that I'm stalling as much as I can while you fucking find this tard boy.
What are you doing?
Hey.
Are you ready for the clip?
Yeah.
This is a family show, but we do avoid porn.
We do avoid things getting ahead.
I want to see him with you.
But sometimes the news involves family guy.
And Johnny's a condom.
I want to see the part where he gets come off his butt.
Here he interrupts his friends after this.
Oh, God, the guilt.
There we go.
Oh, guilt.
Of being pegged.
In this scene, he's realized that he's been sodomized by a sexual pervert, a Dominatrix from Wales, and he is pretending that he regrets that.
No, mate.
Look, what's the point?
No, you don't.
I have.
Why?
You don't understand.
She did things.
Mate, she put things in.
There we go.
Also, this week, we tried out some, well, we rehashed an old character.
And I think it might be the least funny thing I've ever done.
My God character.
Ouch.
I wouldn't be remotely surprised if it appeared on Cringe Reddit.
I could just see my six-year-old eating cheesies going, cringe.
It's so not funny that I don't even think I can bear watching it.
That chest is leathery.
She's like 60.
She's got two little kids.
All right.
So, I suspect something is up.
I suspect the deal is because Satan never gives you what you ask for.
Can we just jump to God?
You shouldn't punish subscribers.
I don't like it at all.
There we go.
Hey, buddy.
Hi, God.
Basically, in a nutshell, you nailed it.
That's what is going on here.
And I don't like it at all.
That's enough.
That gives you an idea of what was going on there.
What?
What are you doing?
Trying to show your reaction to it.
You were really disgusted in yourself.
You know what was weird?
While I was doing it, I'm sitting in that mask with that fitted sheet over my shoulders.
And I'm thinking, this is not funny.
Like when I did the boxing thing just now, I could feel it that this is gold.
And I'm amusing myself.
You can feel when you're, it's like sex.
You can tell if she's like, I'm never doing this again.
This did not work out.
And you can also feel when you're blowing your mind.
I could feel me blowing your mind with the boxing thing.
The God thing, I was just like, what have I?
I'm never doing this again.
Also, this week, a rumor started that Nick Fuentes is gay because he went on a date with a guy named Cat Boy.
This is the date.
To stop men from making relationships because we're dating.
So then we tried it.
We went and got chips.
Just like they did, and we made gay jokes and see how it felt.
And it felt pretty gay.
So there's a thing in the Zeitgeist where they're realizing that it's cool for two buddies to sleep together in the same bed and to shower together and snuggle and stuff.
Just bro cuddling.
Maybe smooch.
I don't know about smooching, but tickle each other.
Maybe lie on each other to both face in the same way and fart.
Yeah.
Like that's not a 69.
It's like a 99.
That's why.
And that's considered cool.
Wow.
How does that feel?
That's kind of weird.
Yeah, Phil's gay.
And then finally, that felt pretty good when we were doing it.
Yeah.
Good punchline.
Nice ending.
We came to the conclusion.
Nick Fuentes is not gay.
Clearly.
Let me just clear up Nick Fuentes for all these fucking pussies on the right who think he's a Nazi and he's going to ruin the movement.
He's too controversial.
Everything about him is normal paleocon, isolationist stuff that most people agree with.
He's not a Holocaust denier.
He made a cookie joke once, God forbid.
His problem is with Israel.
He thinks we shouldn't be giving them 3.5 billion a year and we shouldn't be fighting wars on their behalf.
I know plenty of Israelis that don't like the 3.5 bill and think it gives them a bad rep and say, we're doing pretty good on our own.
We got our own GDP.
It's not worth the headache at 3.5.
And as far as fighting wars, yeah, I think most of us want out of the Middle East.
So that's not that radical.
Secondly, they say they're concerned about demographic shifts in America.
And that sounds like I don't want white women dating black men.
And that might be one of his personal preferences.
But the demographic thing is not an anti-race mixing thing.
It's about the massive Hispanic invasion to the tune of 30 million.
And the DNC is behind it.
And they were doing it to get votes.
That is why in New York City, illegal aliens can get driver's licenses.
It's got nothing to do with helping people drive.
It's about votes.
I was at the Social Security office the other day, and I counted 35 people.
I got there right when it opened, so I wouldn't have to wait.
Only way you can deal with government bureaucracy is to get there before they open, wait outside in the cold, and it'll get down to like you'll be in and out in half an hour.
Otherwise, it's hours.
Anyway, I would say there was out of 35 people, there were three white guys, like who spoke English without an accent.
There was about 10 black people, but they didn't speak like with an American accent.
They were refugees, Somalians, stuff like that.
So, and then the rest were all Hispanics who didn't speak English.
Plainly them had no idea.
He's like, okay, go sit down there, ma'am.
She's like, what?
What are you?
Excuse me.
Sit down.
It's a very, it's one of the first words you should learn in English.
Me, you, thank you, goodbye, sit.
It's very close to the Spanish word, too.
What's the Spanish?
Sientate.
Sit.
Sit.
Sienta.
So yeah, they're calling Nick gay because he's too influential.
Why are you gay?
The only movement is.
The only movement he's disrupting is the bowel movements of his boyfriend.
Waka.
Waka.
Anyway, it's a joke.
The last greatest hit segment I'm going to allude to is yesterday's I'm of Two Minds thing, where I realized in my phone, I was writing down notes about things that I feel strongly about both ways.
Perfect example being a pretty girl inviting a handicapped autistic guy to prom.
On the one hand, I think, don't do him any fake favors.
It's such a phony gesture.
And then on the other hand, I think, why not?
He's having a great time.
I'm of two minds about.
You should know as a person that you're a better person when a woman is around.
And by that, I mean when you've had someone make you a sandwich.
There's before lunch you and after lunch you.
And without a woman making you a sandwich, you're going to be before lunch you.
They've done studies where they've discovered that judges actually give out more lenient sentences after lunch.
So if you're on trial, you want to make sure the sentencing happens around 3 p.m.
Anyway, I haven't had lunch yet.
All right, so that's the weekend review.
We're not getting to a lot of news items today.
This sort of free YouTube hour goes by pretty fast.
Do you have anything you want to cover before we get to the viewer mail?
Oh, what about the Australia thing?
Oh, yeah, we were wrong.
Well, Paul Joseph Watson was wrong, and he's so rarely wrong that I took it to heart.
He showed, first they said the continent of Australia is on fire.
And I laughed and said, no, it's not, you stupid bitch.
There wouldn't be, the death toll is kind of hard to find.
I've seen 17, I've seen 25.
And then they show this picture.
And I said, no, the continent's not on fire.
Then I saw Paul Joseph Watson's video and they show the continent on fire.
And I go, holy shit, I was wrong.
That's weird, though.
How could there only be 20 deaths with an entire continent on fire?
That's the picture.
You got it there.
And then it turns out that's an artist's rendition of every fire that has been reported since November or October.
Yeah.
And that includes anything that's hotter than normal.
So like a tin roof or a family campfire would be included in that map.
So it's basically every time something was hot in the past few months in Australia.
But the actual map's still pretty grim.
And the fact that that topographical map is an amalgamation of just a few months shows that there's a lot of fucking fires going on.
But it seems to be delegated to the bottom right.
What do you call that?
The Southwest?
Southeast.
Is that it?
I always get confused with East and West when you're looking at a map.
Is it my southeast?
Yeah.
You got to turn around backwards.
So that's actually not that.
But yeah, again, as we discussed yesterday, the reason for this fire is because environmentalists prevented brush fires because they thought it was bad for the carbon footprint.
Brush fires prevent forest fires.
More guns, less crime.
It's counterintuitive, but it works.
And so the greenies are responsible for this.
Now I'm seeing rumors, and then arsonists on top of that is a major problem down there.
Nothing to do with climate change.
Australia's had the same climate basically for the past hundred years.
And I'm even hearing rumors now that the arsonists could have been Extinction Rebellion.
There was an Extinction Rebellion guy who was caught lighting fires.
There was a Muslim kid who was caught lighting fires, and Australian was laughing when he was arrested.
I don't know if they've caught the guy.
Why the fuck would you look up Extinction Rebellion?
In case people don't know what that is.
No, you look up Extinction Rebellion, fire, arson.
Like, I could literally get a robot to do this.
If they just latch onto keywords and then show pictures, I can just have like my voice box transcribed.
No, that's an ancient fucking story, you useless tard.
I saw fire.
I saw fire.
It's a fat.
Anyway, I've had enough of you.
I'm going to be taking calls shortly.
I'm going to go off the grid before we do that.
Stop looking that up, Ryan.
You failed.
And let's go into the mailbag.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
We got to figure out a different way to deal with all this mail because it's like even that's 100 in the past.
It's 100 a day, and we get to maybe two a day.
I want to get that homeless guy in here and just pay him like 500 bucks to do a full day session.
Do we have his phone number?
I think we're going to.
We just have phones in 2020.
What about tomorrow we get him into the studio and just do like in the 1950s, they used to get these women and just make them record 900 songs.
Like the peanut duck.
The peanut duck, yeah.
Hope one of them was a hit.
I got to do the Milo show tomorrow.
We could just get him in one day and just get through all of these letters and we'd have a new show.
Gary's mailbag.
Larry's mailbag, whatever his name is.
Anyway, in the interim, this is from Nick.
Public school privilege propaganda.
Oh, these always scare the shit out of me.
You want to know about a phobia?
My phobia is what they're doing to our kids in public school.
I attend a large Midwestern university, and while living in a dorm last semester, our residential advisor, whatever the fuck that is, posted the following flyers in our common area.
I couldn't believe how ridiculous some of these were.
What's taking you so long?
I wanted to get your thoughts on how inane public institutions have become in regards to the propaganda.
I like your new sunglasses.
All the best.
Now, these are kind of hard to read.
What do I got here?
I can't read these, you stupid ass.
So they're a little stupid.
Why is there a residential advisor in college?
They tell you how to sleep.
White privilege, I can't read that.
You made these too small, you fucking loser.
They look like.
Again, they blow up to get the rest of the stuff.
Why would you try to read it yourself?
Look at who's in college.
Nick, you suck.
Fuck you.
That would have been really fun to read these.
They're called Understanding Privilege.
There's little cards on their walls.
That would have been great.
You just thought.
No, you can tell it's a number of pixels.
What are you going to do?
Enhance?
This isn't CSI.
All right, next letter.
Frank.
Clinton didn't kill anyone.
Interesting.
You can tell when I've had a shower and when I haven't.
There's little tufts that.
I think I might start sleeping in a hairnet.
Please don't.
Why not?
Because we don't sleep together.
Why would you care?
It bothers me.
You're not a lunch lady.
I won't tell you.
There was an episode where you went over all the people Hillary didn't kill, and I've been trying to find it with no luck.
Oh.
Using both your search function and scrolling through the past episodes, reading description, I would like to find that episode.
Also, I have a theory that trans activist humor phobes have chosen they, them pronouns to confuse group with the individual as a collectivist attack on individuality.
Any thoughts?
I don't know.
If you want to see my thoughts on the Hillary death toll, please check out my article on Tacky Mag.
I can't help you find the video, but the video was just me rehashing this article, which is called A Hot Month for Clinton's Body Count.
And I started researching that article very cynically, but holy shit, when you start looking at these, it gets real freaky, real fast.
All right, last letter.
The God bit is awesome.
It's awesome.
Keep doing it.
That's all I have to say.
Signed a guy whose name is Harm.
Harm Van Essen.
I think that's pretty clear that that is a man who wants to hurt me.
Harm yourself.
And by continuing to do that horrible God joke, which I'm truly embarrassed of, he's trying to wreck the show.
Doing an imitation.
And then I find out Stephen Colbert does the exact same thing, but better, and has God in the top of his studio.
That's even more embarrassing.
That it's a bit I stole.
What are you looking up?
Some guy wrote an email say here, Ryan.
Gavin seems like the news of the entire continent of Australia will be on fire is exaggerated, blah, blah, blah.
His Avi Yamini's video he's linking us to to check it out.
Yeah, we know the whole continent isn't on fire.
We just answered that.
Why are you going back over it?
Why are you reading the mail ahead and then pulling up videos?
Happy stake.
It's like you're either way behind or way ahead.
Why don't you get on the same page as the host?
I'm just looking.
All right, we're running out of time.
I want to take some calls.
Again, go to Johnny Apple.
Oh, don't forget Covefe.
Yeah, you should drink that coffee.
It's the official sponsor of Get Off My Lawn.
We drink it every single day.
That's right.
We are big fans.
I like it better than my espresso at home, to be quite frank.
I don't like it better than my various cowlicks.
I mean, look at him.
He's pimping.
Please go to johnnyapplecdcbd.com.
That's j-acbd.com.
Use promo code Gavin.
You get 20% off and free shipping.
You will not get high.
You're just going to feel as great as I do every day.
Check it out.
The tincture, delicious.
The topical ointment smells tremendous.
Feels amazing.
The gummies taste so great and they help me sleep.
I cannot say enough about what a badass company Johnny Apple CBD is and how much these supplements have helped me with my sleep and my workouts.
jacbd.com.
Thank you for sponsoring the show.
But before we go, I want to show you.
Let's show 2-7.
This man has decided he doesn't want a pigeon to die.
He's pissed.
He's a doctor.
He's a self-taught veterinarian.
Make it as big as you can.
No, no, no.
Jesus, you're really fucking this up.
Wake up!
Wake up, you bastard!
Wake up, you bastard, he said.
There you go.
And fly.
How does he have a suit on?
Come on.
You can do it.
God, it kind of ticks and insects in it.
There you go.
And fly.
Animals aren't cartoons, sir.
Why are you dead?
I need you to fly.
Look, that guy walks up with his kid.
Just take your kid and get out of there.
Your kid doesn't need to see a fucking lunatic whipping a dying bird into the sky.
Did you hear someone who goes, don't do that?
And then he gives up and walks away.
Oh, he's doing a little dance.
Oh, I think I know what's going on.
He's drunk.
Maybe.
Yeah.
I think right now he's dancing to let people know he's not crazy.
No, see, you're wrong about everything, hence the name Detective Shitty.
Like, I'm not crazy.
He's super drunk, and he doesn't even remember doing that.
Thanks to Kavefe.
Thanks to Johnny Apple.
Thanks to Johnny Apple CBD.
Thanks to Bet DSI.
And thanks to you for following this motto.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
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