Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E109 - TWO MINDS [2020-01-08 - S02E109 - TWO MINDS]

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Jan. 8, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:48:44

S02E109 - TWO MINDS [2020-01-08 - S02E109 - TWO MINDS]

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	This is the most awkward I've ever I'm not even done.
	Is the did you fix the button?
	No, the button still broke.
	Oh, that was uh Fontaine's DC, who are not from DC at all.
	They're from Dublin, which is a rainy city.
	And it reminds me of a lot of other rainy music.
	It kind of sounds like The Wire.
	It kind of sounds like The Fall.
	Kind of sounds like Jesus and Mary Chain from Gleske, another rainy city.
	There's something about rain that just makes you go, oh, the mother instead of waking up in the morning.
	Not really sure what I'm supposed to go doing.
	Jing, jing, ring, jing, jang.
	Raining all the time.
	It's jangy.
	Rain, jing, ring, ring.
	Do you have Jesus and Mary Chain?
	One, two?
	They do that too.
	Jing, jing, jing.
	It's like the sound of splashing.
	Pshhh.
	Jan, jan, jan, jan.
	Pshhh.
	Jump in the middle of that.
	Rainy city bands sound like it's raining.
	I've just made that discovery today.
	Soggy jeans.
	Soggy jeans.
	That's another band that sounds like it's raining.
	What's up, we're soggy jeans?
	Dude, that makes you think of jizz.
	I hate soggy jeans.
	Oh, me too.
	That's what I hate about summer.
	Wet legs.
	That's what I argued with Jim Goad about because he hates cold and he loves the summer.
	And he wears black jeans in Atlanta where it's 110% humidity.
	And I go, your legs must be wet.
	Yeah.
	He's like, no, not really.
	Or the shop assistants, that's another soggy jeans band.
	They're from Edinburgh.
	If you're from Glasgow, you're called a Ouija.
	If you're from Edinburgh, you're called a Barker.
	So the G's Medicine of Ouija.
	This is a great jam.
	I don't want to be friends with you.
	I don't want to be friends with you.
	All of that audio shit.
	Yeah.
	Is it live?
	Probably just the best YouTube can do.
	YouTube sucks.
	Who?
	Young people and boomers.
	Yeah, I don't do it.
	No, it sounds like shizzit.
	I can't do it.
	Can't do it.
	Not gonna do it.
	Anyway.
	Welcome to the show.
	We've got a jam-packed show for you.
	We have a special segment called Things I'm of Two Minds About.
	I hope you like it.
	I hope it's good and interesting and funny.
	And I'm not sure it is.
	I've been feeling kind of insecure recently.
	I think that God thing was so unfunny, it was embarrassing.
	But you only heard that.
	What is the maximum amount of people?
	I bet it's going to pop up on Reddit cringe.
	The dildo thing's gone.
	I've just erased my dildo past with a cornball god imitation.
	All right, then I won't try to be funny if I'm not feeling funny.
	The great Japanese calligraphers would do characters all day, and the second they did a bad one, they'd stop and then not paint or whatever you call that stupid writing for days.
	Because they didn't want to, you know, not have it be real.
	By the way, China and Japan and the Middle East, if your language requires a paintbrush to write, your language sucks.
	Your language is stupid.
	Fucking Chinese, it's a drawing for everything.
	What's a man in a boat?
	Oh, it's like a guy and then there's a boat and then there's water.
	Oh, that's a drawing.
	What are you, a cave person?
	Hieroglyphics now?
	The only Asian language that isn't retarded is Korean, and that's because the king said, just get me the smartest guy, some professor at some fancy university, and let's redo this shit, because drawing a fucking picture for every single character, look how hard that is to draw, too.
	Look how stupid that is.
	Go back.
	That line, look at the T, it's not even a T. You have to have a little kink in it.
	Yes.
	Jesus.
	And then the bottom, my face is covering it, but this part, show this part.
	Look, now you got to do a little dip.
	There's like nine things to remember.
	What's that?
	What's that the word for?
	Shitty?
	You're a bigger loser than an animal.
	And it's got a little cowlick on the left.
	What the fuck?
	That's got to be a thing.
	And that probably means open window with pencil sticking out of bottom.
	Look, you got that stupid weird T again.
	How many little nicks do you got to carve in this one?
	That's dumb.
	That means tower.
	What the fuck is this now?
	Then you draw a line.
	Then all you have to do is two more lines.
	Oh, pinky.
	Then just one other line.
	And then you just have to draw a guy playing basketball at the bottom with an Up thing and two other lines.
	Look at that.
	You suck so bad.
	You suck.
	What the fuck?
	Their keyboards must just be this entire desk.
	Oh, yeah.
	A man in China got on a boat.
	Other countries suck.
	Everywhere sucks.
	The West is the best.
	Stupid keyboards.
	The only way they can make their language not stupid and gay is to anglicize it.
	And their flags suck?
	Like, what is Japan's flag?
	A red dot?
	What?
	What are you doing?
	Did a married Indian woman fall asleep face first on a napkin?
	Was your white flag menstruated on?
	We tried to surrender, but this chick had her period.
	Always with wings.
	Did you know this, by the way?
	Totally off topic.
	Sean Lennon's girlfriend, who is a fucking smokeshow.
	I knew her when she was 16, actually, because she was a model and she'd come into Terry Richardson's studio.
	Her mother was always there to make sure.
	That's a terrible picture of her.
	That's better.
	Lisa Kemp, I think her name is.
	Look at her.
	I've talked to Sean a few times, and I always say, get a baby in that now.
	It's best for the world.
	He's surprisingly ripped.
	Really?
	Sean?
	He comes from a long history of samurai warriors.
	And he thinks he's like Jason Bourne, but he is.
	Like he'll be in a fight and just a minor altercation backstage and he'll catch himself like, go, what the fuck?
	What did I just do?
	It's his samurai jeans.
	Anyway, that's a total tangent.
	So she's wearing this Clash t-shirt in a picture.
	And it's from some, you know, the Clash probably have 10,000 shirts.
	And it's some Japanese flag that I guess the Japs would wave when they went in to fight Korea.
	And Koreans went nuts on him.
	Saying, that was the flag of the Seoul massacre.
	Why would you look up, just look up Sean Lennon Japan controversy?
	If you look up him and his girlfriend, you're going to get infinite pictures.
	Yeah, there we go.
	It is clear that many of the go on that one.
	They were sending him pictures of his dead father.
	Sending him pictures of John Lennon murdered, covered in blood.
	But do they have him apologizing?
	Anyway, it was fucking crazy.
	Maybe I shouldn't tell you things.
	South Korea calls for the ban of Rising Sunflag at 2020 games.
	Yeah.
	But the Japanese were fucking monsters in all over Asia, Taiwan, massacring Chinese.
	You know what's a trip?
	If you go into the mountains of Taiwan, you will, and you find someone super old, like 80 years old, they will speak.
	There it is.
	That's the picture.
	They will speak Japanese.
	I guess Japan occupied Taiwan.
	Did you also know this?
	Speaking of insane tangents, there's Taiwanese aboriginals who were there before the Chinese.
	And they look so fucking hot.
	They look this hot.
	From where?
	Taiwan.
	You know, everyone has Aboriginals.
	Japan had the Ainu.
	Taiwan had the Taiwanese.
	So people in Taiwan call themselves Chinese.
	They don't say I'm Taiwanese.
	Taiwanese are the Abbos.
	And they are good looking.
	Oh, there's one.
	Look at that little sweet treat.
	Little sweet treat.
	All right.
	So did they show the controversy back there?
	Above.
	Yeah, he was in hot waters.
	John Leon is son in hot waters after defending the rising sun flag.
	Look, she's committing another sin by wearing an Indian headdress.
	There's so many rules you have to follow.
	They just like to dress up.
	He's dressed up like Les Claypool.
	He's in a band with Les Claypool.
	Alright, let's get to the news.
	do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Trump is on Adderall.
	1-4.
	So some comedians saw him.
	Trump is on drugs, whether we want to face it or not.
	He is an Adderall addict and has been addicted to speed for decades.
	Benzo's figuring as well as the UK Suda Fed he takes to control those sniffles and for the buzz.
	This was no secret in TV production.
	We here at the show have an opinion on this, and that is, so I want my president doing Adderall.
	I don't want him doing cocaine because it's too much of an uppy-downy.
	Adderall is a nice shh.
	Monday and Tuesday's shows, I was on Adderall.
	I didn't even notice the difference.
	Well, I thought they were really good.
	Yeah, me too.
	But now that I'm not on it today, I found a pill in my briefcase.
	You don't know what it is.
	So I had half of it on Monday and then a quarter on Tuesday.
	Oh, gotcha.
	I was pretty good at the gym.
	I know that.
	I'd never work out on that.
	Your heart didn't feel like it was going to explode?
	No, I didn't take very much.
	But yeah, JFK is considered the greatest president in history, and he was high out of his fucking mind on speed.
	He had it injected into his ass.
	And first they told him it was vitamins, and then they go, actually, you want to know what?
	We were giving you amphetamines.
	And he said, instead of like, what?
	That's rape.
	You were giving me drugs.
	He goes, I don't care if it's horse piss.
	Keep doing it.
	It makes me feel great.
	Keep doing it.
	You know, as a world leader, you get to sleep about four hours a night.
	How are you not going to be on Adderall?
	Anyway, this is considered a coup for the left, and they will not shut up about it.
	Adderall's trending on Twitter.
	It's twending.
	I'm just going to say twending from now on because the Fed is twending.
	And here's the smoking gun.
	You ready for this?
	This is according to everyone's stupid on Twitter.
	And to be clear, when you look at social media and magazines and Huffington Post and all this, you see they all feel the same way about everything.
	And they represent a fraction of the population.
	So we talk about them a lot because they consume so much media, so much of the media, but they don't represent America.
	So I would say about 80% of Twitter is really excited about this, and they represent 8% of America.
	Anyway, here's the smoking gun proof that our president is high out of his mind on Adderall.
	The snorting gun.
	Which doesn't even make you high.
	No.
	It's just like a bunch of coffee without the gut rot.
	The American military has been completely rebuilt under my administration at a cost of $2.5 trillion.
	U.S. armed forces are strong.
	Did you catch that?
	He inhaled through his nose ergo.
	He's high out of his mind on this.
	They think he's snorting at her.
	Yeah.
	Because some comedian who worked with him said he saw him do it once.
	Could you picture him snorting it?
	No.
	I couldn't either.
	Why would anyone...
	I've snorted it.
	I never really got that.
	I guess you get it into you faster?
	Yeah, I guess that's it.
	Makes you feel like you're doing more of a thing than ever before.
	Our missiles are big, powerful, accurate, lethal, and fast.
	Under construction, our many hyper.
	Isn't that not even clearing your nose snorting?
	Yeah, it's not like he's going.
	If you did coke, you're like, to get it in there.
	He's just going, he's just breathing through his mind.
	It's called breathing.
	They literally have a problem with him breathing.
	Impersonic missiles.
	The fact that we have this great military and equipment, however, does not mean we have to use it.
	We do not want to use it.
	American strength, both military and economic, is the best deterrent.
	Three months ago, they have to destroy this.
	This is a controversy.
	This is what's trending on Twitter.
	Can you believe that?
	Here's something I forgot.
	Speaking of new news, I have some old news.
	I forgot to tell you about this.
	I was so drunk during Christmas that I forget entire parts of it.
	And one of them was, this is 3-2.
	My wife got me a cameo from High Pitch Eric.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Hey, Kevin!
	I heard on your favorite whack paper.
	I'd like to wish her a Merry Christmas and a kick-ass 2020.
	I hope this year is the best ever as the last two kind of sucked.
	So I want to tell you to watch Blue Buds and that Donnie would be funny.
	By the way, Merry Christmas.
	He really took his time to get to that.
	Yeah, he is my favorite whackbacker.
	Like, people criticize Howard Stern, and I do it all the time, but he still puts out some gold.
	And one of my favorite Howard Stern bits of all time happened last year, I think.
	And it was high-pitch Eric.
	They sent him to some other studio, and they go, there's some show that really wants you on, and you should probably do it.
	So they set up a fake show in Sirius that's a white power Nazi show.
	And Eric is such a dunce that he appeared on the show.
	And they're like, hey, all right, Eric, we're here to say fucking white power.
	Have you got it?
	And he's like, white power?
	Just like, I'm anyone's dog for a bone.
	Nazis?
	Okay, I'm a Nazi.
	That quote will be taken out of context.
	No, you're not as a clam.
	Yeah.
	White power.
	And Eric, like, you know.
	And this is Mr. Milk, the s ⁇ .
	WPR White Power Radio.
	You're listening to Cletus the Cooter in the morning.
	I'm Cletus.
	And I'm Kudu.
	Joining us today, we have a special guest helping us out from the Howard Stern Radio Program, Mr. Eric Bleeman.
	Is that correct?
	That's right.
	How are you?
	Very good.
	How you doing?
	Why power?
	I'm doing swell.
	Now, what annoys you?
	White power.
	They just say it.
	Now, you know, I have a disability.
	Do you see me with a cane?
	You know, trying to find a seat?
	They don't offer me a seat.
	What are your feelings on President Obama?
	First black president?
	I can't fucking stand him.
	He's a piece of shit.
	He's arrogant.
	And I don't like him.
	Why power?
	Why power?
	Right in it.
	Yeah, that's about a year old.
	I'm sitting in the car listening to some guy yell white power.
	He just says it casually.
	That's high quality.
	Comment.
	That's very funny.
	Also in the news, this is an important piece you should know that Larry David, one of the worst dressed people in America, says you should have one nice piece of clothing on.
	Like this is a fancy jacket.
	So after this, I should have nothing on, like a T-shirt and jeans and sneakers.
	This is his...
	He dresses like a 93-year-old.
	He always wears, and you know the worst thing about the way he dresses?
	I love Larry David to death, just to be clear here.
	I'm gay for Larry.
	He's my spirit animal.
	But I hate his weird skinny body.
	I hate a blazer with a sweater, especially in LA, where it's basically 75 degrees every day.
	If you ever wear a sweater with your blazer, you're boiling.
	And go back, go back, go back.
	His fucking shoes.
	He wears like Skechers or campers.
	Clarks or whatever.
	One of those like beta male, you know, when you're working on a film set or a TV set and there's like the assistant and the assistant camera guy and he's got his, they all, they're all millennials and they have beards.
	Like they look like me, I guess.
	And they have those clear glasses with no frames and they have a cardigan on and brown cords and little desert boots or little camper shoes that are just, they look like girls' shoes.
	They look like a teddy bear would wear them.
	So look at those stupid things.
	I hate soft shoes.
	What are you wearing right now?
	Um Nikes?
	Yeah, Nike Air Force ones with uh Velcro that you could you could kids today crack me up.
	Also, a very important piece of news.
	Richard E. Grant is ruining Withnail and I. Withnail and I is one of our favorite movies here on the show.
	And Richard E. Grant is turning into a real fag.
	He's a real twat.
	And he's ruining the movie for me.
	This is the deal.
	He made Withnail and I, one of the greatest movies ever made, and then he did how to get it in advertising, both masterpieces that he got zero recognition for.
	Then he played a homosexual with Melissa McCarthy, where she's making fake letters from famous authors.
	And he's a queer.
	A queer.
	Do you think he's a queer?
	And then he won some award.
	So he gets, okay, I get it.
	Politically correct and be a real faggy ass kisser.
	That seems to be what people want.
	And ever since then, things are going great for him in Hollywood.
	Now that he's a kiss-ass pussy.
	Richard D. Granamorgi.
	Can you ever forgive him?
	That's the name of the movie.
	He's not saying, I'm not sure I can forgive you, Richard.
	So here he is just after he's seen Star Wars.
	And our favorite Scottish comedian, Lemmy, reacts to that.
	You shouldn't.
	Can you do it without showing Lemmy first?
	It doesn't matter.
	We've already given it away.
	Star Wars.
	The rise.
	I've just seen.
	Are you crying?
	Star Wars.
	The rise of Skywalker.
	And nothing prepares you for this.
	Just pause.
	He is crying.
	And I hate the looking away thing.
	Is he looking for the strength to continue speaking?
	Looking in another room, another part of his bedroom for the strength?
	He's looking at his wife and is someone throwing him power?
	They're all there like this.
	Go ahead, honey.
	You can do it.
	Yes, keep going.
	I know you're crying.
	I'm crying too.
	Wait, is this the guy who said, what fucker said?
	Yes.
	That's the guy who played it?
	That's the guy who says, what?
	Fucker said.
	No.
	I have a heart condition.
	If you hit me, it's mud.
	Oh, I see it now.
	That's with nail.
	Yeah.
	I cheered.
	I shouted.
	I fist-pumped the air.
	I cried.
	I don't believe you, by the way.
	I stood and cheered.
	It's absolutely everything that you hoped it was going to be.
	I'm so proud to be in it.
	And I can't wait for you to see it.
	Me?
	What does that mean?
	Who says I can't wait for you speaking to millions of people?
	Is this a leaked private message?
	You can't.
	I haven't seen it yet, Richard.
	So I'm sorry to keep you in suspense.
	He wait for me, Gavin McKinneth.
	He can't wait for you, Ryan Katsu Rivera.
	He can't wait for you to see it.
	Wow.
	He can't wait.
	Anyway, Lemmy nails it.
	I've just seen Star Wars, Rise of Skywalker.
	Nothing prepares you for this.
	How do you die?
	Phil bumped the air.
	I cried.
	I shouldn't cheat it.
	It's absolutely everything you hoped it was going to be.
	I'm so proud to be in it.
	And I can't wait for you to see it.
	see it.
	I saw this video Richard Grant put up where he went to some celebrity's house and was...
	And was just marveling at the apartment he used to stay in.
	Oh, this is where it all began.
	We lived in a tenement flat.
	And then he also had some letter he wrote to like Barbara Streisand when he was seven living in South Africa.
	And he republished that.
	He's a real fucking shitstain of a dude.
	Really disappointed in Richard E. Grant.
	The guy who did the best movie ever is one of the worst guys imaginable.
	But Lemmy is not.
	Lemmy is awesome.
	Lemmy used to have a show called Lemmy Show that was on a Scottish Channel 4 or whatever.
	Most people couldn't even understand it.
	But now he has a YouTube page.
	This is 1.7.
	He did this, like he just does these dumb sketches with his phone that are as good as Lemmy.
	Check this one out.
	Lemmy's Show.
	One night, I was at a club called Fury Murray's that I used to go to when I was 19, when I was in college.
	And I came out steaming.
	I just left steaming out here.
	Remember, I was steaming right.
	I was looking at to that.
	I was just looking about and I just felt, I don't know, I felt fucking drunk, bitter.
	I just felt things wanted going my way.
	I felt like I was meant to be someday.
	And I shouted at the top of my voice, Bless God.
	I didn't mean anybody to come here to shout it, but I did think, oh, come like this bridge.
	No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	I'm not going to do it.
	I'm not going to do it.
	I have no idea, no?
	Let's go!
	Let's get the fuck out of here.
	The cannonist.
	Mechanistry.
	Walking right up the middle of the cannon street with my making fucking noise me.
	yes So some guy with a microphone recognizes him.
	Squeak It's Lemmy!
	Squeak Squeak Alright, it's Lemmy.
	Lemmy, look you!
	Lemmy, it's Lemmy!
	You're my legend.
	You don't hate me, you don't hate me.
	It's Lemmy.
	Alright, you're my legend.
	Hello everybody.
	Hello everyone.
	We need a fucking wheelchair meet.
	Can I give you a kiss?
	I'm gonna kiss.
	Can I give you a kiss?
	Don't be gay.
	I'm gonna go.
	I'm gonna give you a kiss.
	Squeak Yes!
	You're a legend, man.
	Where's the next TV coming out?
	When's it coming?
	I think she is.
	The TV's heavier.
	Always heavier.
	Pound.
	I bet it is.
	I ain't no bother.
	Let me, guys!
	Come on!
	Let me!
	Hello!
	I can't get a selfie.
	I ain't no bother.
	Some man!
	I mean, I've been watching the band teams.
	I'm not alive bro.
	My brother.
	See you later.
	Can I get one more?
	Aye, of course aye.
	Squeak
	What have I done in my life?
	What a subtle thing.
	I get it, but it's not.
	So I saw that and I laughed.
	And then I went, wait a minute, that's fucking brilliant.
	Like, how did he do that?
	I think this is my guess.
	So he was out on Buchanan Street and he got, someone mentioned his name and then he had to do all those pictures.
	So he had all that on tape.
	And then he thought, I'll be, I'll pretend that I always wanted to be famous.
	So he goes back and shoots the bridge part where he says, oh, Glasgow.
	And then he put that at the beginning.
	Oh, I see.
	Gotcha.
	Yeah.
	And then he filmed everyone freaking out on him.
	And then he read, what have we done to my life?
	Fucking awesome.
	That is subtle.
	That is funny.
	Is this show sucking?
	I'm going through a very insecure phase.
	I like it.
	I hadn't thought about it till you said it, but I've been having quite a nice time.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Don't let the haters get to you, yo.
	Well, there's haters, but then there's also people.
	I mean, I'm 49.
	So this is, I'm coming to the end of my career.
	Oh, heavens, no.
	Yeah, you get less funny over time, and eventually you, you know, you peter out.
	Look at Scorsese and the Irishman.
	It sucked.
	Look at Richard E. Grant.
	Look at Richard E. Grant.
	He sucks now.
	He used to be the best guy in the world.
	So there will come a time when I'll just have to say, I suck at this.
	Bye.
	That'll be you.
	Lemmy has still got a long way to go.
	Wait, Richard Grant films himself when he likes his hotel room?
	Apparently.
	Oh, Richard.
	That takes away all the edge.
	He seemed like such a cool, edgy dude.
	If you hit me, I'll die.
	Like, fuck.
	He had never been drunk when he got the script for With Neil and I. And then he drank, really?
	And so he drank a bottle of vodka to see what it's like to be drunk.
	Wow.
	He doesn't drink.
	Holy crap.
	When people don't drink, something's up.
	Now, I'll give exceptions for, you know, Pat Dixon and people who were brutal alcoholics, Jim Norton.
	But outside of people who are in AA because they drank too much, people don't drink.
	That's why I don't like Asians.
	I think I'm quitting drinking.
	That's why I don't like you.
	Right, as of now.
	But before you did.
	No, you could never hold your booze.
	Like, we got this studio because it's near like five bars.
	Yeah.
	And my career has always been getting a drink after work.
	Yeah.
	It is.
	And you don't drink after work.
	But I can't because I still have to do the computer stuff.
	I understand.
	I'm just saying I don't like you.
	Like it's, it's, that's like, that's like saying I don't want pit bulls around him.
	Then the pit bull's saying, well, what did you just do?
	I tried to put on ponce.
	And then a pit bull goes, no, no, I'm all muscle and I was bred for fighting.
	I don't give a shit.
	I just don't want you around my kids.
	I don't give a shit.
	It could be real.
	I was talking about that at the bar yesterday to some old timers.
	We were talking about how Ellen DeGeneres is on the Golden Globes and she's portrayed as the first woman who was ever gay on TV.
	And finally, gays realized they could be on TV.
	Really?
	I grew up in the 80s with Charles Nelson Riley on Hollywood Squares, raging faggot.
	Paul Lind.
	Paul Land.
	Paul Land.
	Complete homosexual.
	Liberace, who would wear like feather balas, girls.
	Elton John, yeah.
	Elton John, clearly gay.
	Freddie Mercury sang for a band called Queen.
	And then, of course, the king of the fags, Rip Taylor, who I think he started in the 60s with his big bucket of confetti.
	What the f ⁇ ?
	It says Famous Gays and Bruno Mars pops up?
	No.
	I don't know.
	So yeah, we were used to fags.
	And the problem with Ellen wasn't that she came out as gay.
	On her sitcom, the character was this boy-hungry sex maniac.
	So then she came out as gay, and the show was like, man, that's what's a lesbian pretending that she likes cocks?
	I'm not watching it anymore.
	Oh, God.
	She wrecked her character on her show.
	And that's why they canceled it.
	Yeah.
	Because they did cancel it right after.
	Like, say you had Charles Bronson in Deathwish, and it turned out that he was this raging queen who loved ballet.
	Like, you didn't mind it when you found out about Elton John because you're like, yeah, I figured.
	But that would ruin Deathwish.
	Now you're like, he's a fag.
	They killed all his friends, and he's on the warpath for revenge, you guys.
	Well, you just wrecked the character.
	Yeah, it's worse than making it all a dream, like that whole thing.
	It wrecks celebrities worse than Twitter.
	Twitter was the death of celebrity, by the way, because we got to see their personalities and we went, whoa, you are way stupider than I thought.
	Speaking of which, Russell Crowe, his speech at the Golden Globes, made it clear that this is beyond the shadow of a doubt.
	The fires in Australia are climate change.
	And that's just not true.
	The climate, look at this.
	If you ignore the science when building a bridge, the bridge collapses.
	If you ignore the science when building a plane, the plane crashes.
	Professor Rosh Garneau, responsible for the 2008 Garneau Climate Change Review.
	Oh, really?
	The guy who gets paid to be a climate change alarmist is a climate change alarmist.
	That's funny.
	Our takeaway, don't ignore the science.
	This is so ironic because they're ignoring the science.
	They always say that.
	They always say scientists are all in agreement that climate change is an issue.
	No, the ones who benefit from it, even that 99% stat you keep hearing, you know how that was born?
	Some fucking boring student, not a certified scientist, but someone who was in college taking STEM, did a survey where they talked about climate change.
	And then they took the answers and they took a select group, all the people who said, yes, it's a major issue.
	Then he re-asked that same specified group a question on climate change.
	And 99% of them said, yes, it's an issue.
	That's the origin of that bullshit.
	Was this Jennifer Anderson talking?
	Oh, that's Jennifer Anderson saying Russell Crowe's thing.
	So anyway.
	This is considered a right-wing, crazy Alex Jones theory.
	This is what the alt-rights take is, but it's also the truth.
	It was fucking arson.
	And if you look at the climate in Australia over the past hundred years, it's like normal.
	Hasn't really changed.
	Now, once again, Paul Joseph Watson nails it so beautifully that I should almost just play this entire 10-minute video and just go pick my nose, go downstairs and do a shot.
	...fires are horrendous.
	At least 18 people dead, thousands of homes destroyed.
	Up to 20 years.
	Millions of hectares of land torched.
	Half a billion animals burned alive.
	Look at this satellite image of the country.
	That is crazy.
	Now, yesterday I was mocking people for saying the whole continent is on fire.
	Apparently, I was wrong.
	Like, click that X out of the way.
	Yeah.
	Look at that.
	That's crazy.
	That's crazy.
	Now, this boggles the mind.
	How are only 25 people dead?
	And by the way, if you look at the density, the population density, they all live on the outskirts.
	No one lives in the middle because it's all desert.
	But that's where they live.
	Like, I think that's Sydney that you see the reddest.
	So it's not like it's just rural, as I thought, or as it started, but now it's everywhere.
	That's crazy.
	How is it only 25 deaths?
	I don't know.
	Did they all just get the fuck out of Dodge?
	It looks like a entire continent on a boat right now.
	That's bananas.
	What I'm looking at.
	Tree.
	So it was arson.
	And the other problem is the same problem with California is these trees that dry out.
	I forget what they're called, but California bought them from Australia 100 years ago and they just turned to tinder sticks after 100 years.
	And obviously Australia has a lot of them.
	So this same tree is behind both fires.
	But what started the fire is fucking arsonists.
	It's very common.
	They call them firebugs, these people who start fires.
	But go get to the stats with Paul Joseph Watson.
	And all because of climate change, right?
	Make no mistake.
	The tragedy unfolding in Australia is climate change-based.
	Wrong.
	For weeks, we've been bombarded with this relentless, sustained narrative that man-made global warming caused and exacerbated this disaster.
	This is the kind of emergency that scientists say is made much more likely and more damaging than climate change.
	He's not a national treasure.
	He's a Western treasure.
	Yeah.
	He's the voice of Razon.
	Climate change.
	And it's all total bullshit.
	Guess what the primary cause of these fires was?
	People deliberately starting the fires.
	Australian authorities are now working on the premise that, quote, arson is to blame for much of the devastation caused this bushfire season.
	People might be responsible for lighting deliberately lit fires like this one.
	Were the fires intentionally started?
	Police have formed strike force in Dara, comprising detectives from homicide and arson squads.
	Last time I checked, people deliberately starting fires had nothing whatsoever to do with CO2-driven planetary climate change.
	Figures obtained by news agency AAP show that nearly 200 people across the country have already been arrested or investigated by police for deliberately starting the fight.
	It just should go without saying that you should always watch everything Paul Joseph Watson does.
	I'd love to get him on Compound Meet.
	I mean, whoops, on Sensor.tv, but he doesn't need me.
	People always, I think Sam Hyde's coming on board.
	Sam Hyde doesn't need me.
	Like, I can't get him.
	Now, if Paul Joseph Watson gets kicked off YouTube, I might have an angle.
	That's how I got so.
	Yeah.
	But Sam Hyde, PJW, that's like telling me to sign the Rolling Stones.
	Okay.
	Done.
	Well, the thing with Sam, he doesn't really have a platform besides Gum Road, but it's only a matter of time.
	But for what?
	That's not a safe place.
	They're based in San Francisco.
	It's only a matter of time before they realize who Sam is.
	Yeah, okay, well, maybe I'll approach him then.
	I want to go up and do a bunch of shows with him, but four hours, like that Trump rally we're going to, that's four hours away.
	But we know a dude who fixes up classic European cars in Baltimore, so we could go shoot, we could have like car week.
	That'd be cool.
	Maybe he can meet us there.
	Tell him to get his ticket.
	No, what?
	Yeah, bring a cool car up there, and then we ride down with him.
	Dude, we would obviously have to shoot it in his garage.
	If we're going to do a week, we're going to do a week with one car and the tools that he puts in his trunk.
	No, no, we'd go back with him, meet up at the rally, and then make it a whole thing.
	Why would we bring him to the rally?
	He would meet us there with his cool ass car, and then we'd ride down on the highway together.
	Ride down on the highway together?
	Yeah, we could.
	I'm worried about you.
	When you're done with this job, or if this thing goes under, are you going to be able to wipe your own ass and feed yourself?
	Maybe.
	Am I going to find you just wandering the streets with one rubber boot on in your pajamas trying to eat a live fish?
	Yes.
	I'll be doing the mail.
	I'll be slapping in his hand.
	Hi, I'm hungry.
	Gavin, I'm hungry.
	I'll be the one.
	Where's your other boot?
	Ah, My foot is cold.
	I'll be Larry from Mailbag.
	That's embarrassing.
	I just sparted on air.
	I hope it didn't work.
	You put the mic on your ass.
	No, I didn't.
	But you're acting like you're surprised.
	No, you literally took the microphone and put your butt on it.
	Here's another important thing about the Australian fires.
	Australia's been prepared for this.
	They've been around for a while.
	And what you do to prevent major fires is you burn the undergrowth.
	So you burn spaces.
	So when the fire gets to the space, it can't jump across, right?
	Probably about as wide as this studio.
	Just and dumb assholes who live in the city and read the New York Times don't like that.
	You know why?
	Because it's burning.
	It's the carbon footprint is increasing.
	Yeah, sort of, I guess, that day, but it's preventing the entire continent burning to the ground.
	So these fuckers outlawed brush fires.
	And that's why the fire spread so fast.
	It was green bullshit like what Russell Crowe is talking about and Jennifer Anison is talking about that started this entire thing.
	That's why Australia is on fire.
	Isn't that unbelievable?
	And we've had this problem too.
	There was those two ranchers.
	Remember the Oregon thing?
	This is a 2-0?
	Steve, what the fuck was his name?
	What was his name?
	Stephen Dwight Hammond.
	The Hammonds.
	Remember this?
	The Bundies got involved in it?
	And they threw a father and son in prison for five years because they were backburning on their land and some of it touched federal land and it burnt down like a square mile of federal land, which sounds like a lot, but over in rural Oregon, that's absolutely nothing.
	That's totally normal.
	And when the American government decides it's okay to do fires, they constantly will burn private land.
	There's no punishment for them.
	So these guys were sentenced to five years in prison.
	They had a standoff, if you recall.
	A man was shot by the FBI.
	They claim he was going for his gun.
	Huge controversy about that.
	Totally forgotten, by the way.
	Kind of disgusting.
	Until Donald Trump shows up after a line of Adderall and pardons them.
	That's 2-1.
	Trump pardons Oregon Ranchers whose case inspired wildlife refuge takeover.
	I don't want to read that article because if they shit on those poor bastards, I'll just have to fucking have a heart attack of rage.
	My walls can't handle hearing those guys criticized.
	They did plenty of time.
	I don't know how long.
	I think they did a couple years.
	How many men are in prison who don't belong there?
	All right, at least two.
	How are we doing for time here?
	I wanted to talk about the state of sex.
	It's about to get pretty steamy in here.
	I saw this article.
	A friend of mine sent me this.
	This is 2-2.
	How to give a rusty trombone.
	Come on.
	How to give your partner a rusty trombone.
	Now, a rusty trombone is like a Cleveland steamer or it's one of those joke things that doesn't actually happen.
	It's sort of like the blow-up doll you have at bachelor parties with the mouth.
	No one actually makes love to that.
	You throw it around at a party and laugh your head off.
	In fact, you're kind of laughing at the concept of anyone taking that seriously.
	Like, no one fucks that.
	And a rusty trombone is just a dumb thing that adolescents say, where the lady performs anilingus while masturbating you at the same time.
	I mean, I'm sure they do it in porn.
	I'm sure gays do it, but there's nothing gays don't do.
	Gays eat the poo-poo.
	They take a rusty trombone.
	The woman has her face in the poo-poo and she reach around and she simulate the vajvaj with her hand.
	Oh, there we go.
	So anyway, this is written.
	Who wrote this?
	Haley McMillan.
	Look at her.
	Haley McMillan.
	I wonder how much research she did.
	I promise you she's never given a rusty trombone.
	What a woman have given a rusty trombone.
	It's just.
	Probably like 17.
	It seems silly.
	Let me see her.
	Oh, she's definitely got that nose ring.
	She's got that.
	They always look the same.
	They have that sassy short hair, and then they have a nose ring.
	There's butt cubes in that nose ring.
	They never like their nose.
	So the nose ring distracts from whatever they don't like about their nose.
	It's too big.
	It's too small.
	It's too nostrilly.
	Of course, it doesn't distract.
	It just makes you see it more.
	Anyway, this woman, this child, is telling you how to eat out your boyfriend's ass.
	This is cosmopolitan.
	This is a beauty magazine.
	You should see what they have in Teen Vogue.
	Oh, Teen Vogue's run by Antifa.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It was you and me were watching with that.
	Talk with your partner about it, if slash how the rusty trombone will play out.
	Thanks for the advice, child.
	So a 20-year-old is telling grown women, before you perform this strange Ite Pupu, sit and talk to your partner.
	Thank you for the tip.
	Let's go to tip number two.
	By the way, I didn't know that's what RT stood for.
	I've been getting that wrong on Twitter the whole time.
	They want to be.
	I can't believe there's a whole Russian network called Rusty Trombone.
	Two, have your partner clean up, but they don't need to douche.
	So you don't have to douche your ass.
	Oh, thanks.
	But you should sort of clean the outer ring of the anal lips.
	Preferably with a bleach wipe.
	Number three, you might want to take off your lipstick for this one.
	That's a handy tip, isn't it?
	No need.
	Because the last thing you want is to walk into a room with lipstick all over your butthole.
	Where have you been?
	Oh my lord.
	You show up for your colonoscopy and your butthole is just covered in lipstick.
	Oh, you had a fun night.
	Thank you.
	Get a little lipstick on the colon?
	It's my anniversary with my wife, so it was kind of a big night.
	We're celebrating the night we met when she gave me an RT.
	What's the next tip?
	Number four: play an overture.
	So, anyway, you should have foreplay.
	So, don't just walk into the room, yank down his pants, and go foreplay first.
	And I assume you got some of that done during the talking about it.
	Number five, imagine her father seeing.
	What are you doing for a living?
	I'm a writer, Dad.
	Oh, okay.
	What do you write for?
	A beauty magazine.
	Oh, okay.
	So it's like tips on what shoes to wear to what thing.
	No, it's about licking men's assholes.
	I do mention what shoes to wear while you lick the asshole, though.
	What kind of things do you say about that?
	I say take your lipstick off.
	I'm a writer.
	Holy shit.
	Dang.
	That's true.
	Is that it?
	I wrote an article actually.
	You use lube on both sides, but definitely use it for at least the hand jump.
	That's not even good advice.
	If you have a foreskin, you don't need lube.
	Now she's just being nosy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	In that sense, she's condoning genital mutilation.
	Six, steer clear of bacteria and whatever the fuck stis is.
	So apparently you can get a disease.
	Did I ever tell you about the time that I got Hep C shots by pretending to be gay?
	Yeah.
	Or you got a better seat on an airplane because you pretended to be pretending to retard it.
	I'm not proud of that, but I am proud of the Hep C thing where I called and I said, hey, I hear there's a way to make sure, because I knew a lot of junkies when I was young, and they all seemed to be getting Hep C and dying.
	And then I heard there's a way you can cure.
	And I thought, well, why not?
	It's like two shots in a week, and then you wait six months and get the third one or something.
	So I called them up and I said, hey, I want that shot.
	And they go, how old are you?
	And I said, 25.
	I was.
	And they go, sorry, too old.
	Bye.
	So then I called back.
	I'm like, hi, I'm calling about your like HP C thing or whatever.
	And they're like, get the fuck in here now.
	So then I ship it to the clinic and I'm like, hey, I'm here for like whatever.
	And they go out front of the line.
	Like there's a huge waiting room of people and they throw me in there.
	I waited zero seconds for all three of my shots.
	Get the paper.
	And then at the end, when I got the last one, I had to sit in a room and watch a VHS tape about anilingus and how dangerous it can be.
	And you can get shit on your lips.
	Wow.
	Shit lips is one of my favorite insults ever since that.
	And I just felt like getting up going, actually, I need to tell you something.
	I'm not gay.
	Too late.
	Thanks for the shots.
	Yeah, thanks for the shots.
	Fuck you.
	Hetrophobes.
	Me and my buddy Sharky used to do that.
	We used to go up to girls and pretend to be wasted and be like, hey, you super hot.
	You should take a bath together.
	Soapy, soapy.
	And they weren't threatened, obviously, and they go, oh, really?
	Yeah, we should have a bath.
	Yeah, pretty vinyl.
	And then we'd go, oh, yes, we're not wasted.
	Hey, how you doing?
	Can I get you guys a drink?
	After doing it for a long time.
	And this was one of the weirdest times.
	We did that a hundred times.
	But one time, this woman goes, bullshit.
	Like, what?
	I'm telling you, I'm not wasted.
	Hello.
	The rain in Spain falls mainly down the plain.
	Let's do the alphabet backwards.
	Z, Y, X, W, V. And she's like, I don't believe you.
	Okay, then I have a very high tolerance for alcohol if I can talk like this.
	Anyway.
	I think she knew something was going on, but she was just like calling bullshit because she was like, something's going on.
	So I don't buy whatever you're saying now.
	But you're the truth part.
	And I'm bored of talking to you.
	No, I'm talking to you, Ryan.
	Oh, fuck.
	You know what's funny about him?
	His name was Sharky.
	And in South Brooklyn, only like wise guys have nicknames.
	Shocky.
	And a lot of loan sharks are called Sharky.
	And if you're a loan shark, then you have an enforcer and you have some real clout in a very dangerous part of town that has a lot of cops in it.
	So you're a pretty big deal.
	So he was getting all this like, hey, Shocky, how you doing?
	You want to sit down?
	He was getting this reference.
	Meanwhile, he's a total pussy who's been in like two fights in his life.
	It's a really clutch nickname.
	Oh, by the way, it's STIs, not STIS.
	STIs.
	Yeah, sexually transmitted infections.
	Yeah, good tip.
	Thank you for that.
	So if you see, if when you're going down on your boyfriend and you look through the hairs of his anilipse and you see pustulent sores or anything weeping with pus, don't eat that.
	I'm a writer.
	Don't eat moldy food either.
	I inform the public.
	What's the next one?
	Have your partner stand or lie on...
	She's talking like she's given 100 rusty trombones.
	I bet she's given zero.
	This is, why did you choose writing?
	Thank God you didn't get married and become a slave in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning and dealing with dirty diapers.
	Shit is gross.
	You instead should write about licking strangers' assholes.
	Thank you, feminism.
	This is amazing because it's just like people can't figure out how to put a mouth next to an asshole.
	Yeah, you could bend over.
	Who's reading this seriously going, hmm?
	I guess Tyra.
	Tyra's reading it?
	Use flat-wide tongue strokes.
	I don't know.
	I bet if you asked her about this article in six months, she'd have no recollection of it.
	I'd be like, um.
	Here, look, read it, read it.
	Flat, wide.
	Oh, fuck.
	Yeah, I kind of remember this.
	I was hungover.
	I wrote it in an hour.
	Yeah.
	She's like, by the way, I learned pointy also works, and also everything else I didn't say could work.
	Hi, I read your article about long, wide tongue strokes.
	What about if I do little like cat legs?
	It's not in the rules.
	Don't do that.
	Okay.
	So just long, wide tongue strokes?
	Yeah.
	That's all you do for rusty.
	That's how you do a good rusty trombone.
	I'm the professional.
	Okay, what's next?
	They keep going.
	Improve your HJ hand job game by trying twisting motions, the infinite hole technique.
	Okay, thank you for that.
	And Fresnellum stimulation.
	What?
	The Fresnellum is that little tag that holds your head together.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, take your t-shirt right now.
	Take your t-shirt right now and then take the front of it.
	Just pinch the front and put that in your mouth and bite it.
	Okay?
	Can you show yourself?
	Yeah.
	All right, so if that was a penis, right?
	That's the head of the penis.
	And then that part, the t-shirt that's in your mouth, that's the fresnellum.
	What do you stimulate that?
	What does she mean?
	Like, go like that?
	Read it a story?
	What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?
	Jesus.
	Like, these magazines are full of such utter crap.
	Apparently.
	The fact that women are liberated into the workforce, and this is what they do with their time.
	I guess their frenulum is similar to...
	Yeah, that's it.
	With mouths, too.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's just any of that tight, kind of like strap.
	What else do we got here?
	Ask your partner to return the favor.
	Wait a minute.
	How do you do a rusty trombone on a woman?
	It's a rusty trumpet.
	Ha ha.
	You thumb her?
	Thanks for the tips.
	Anyway, speaking of women, women can't write.
	I just want to say that right now.
	I know that sounds sexist.
	That's because it is.
	This is other women.
	They do me search.
	That's how they come to these conclusions.
	They just sit on their ass and write about their ass.
	And they have no idea what they're talking about.
	They haven't done any practicing.
	They haven't talked to anyone.
	There's no science behind it.
	They love science when it comes to other people doing their homework.
	But when it comes to them actually calling anyone, I got to get this out.
	And my deadline's in two hours.
	I got to get moving.
	So this woman just writes, heterosexuality is doomed.
	That's 2-3.
	This is BuzzFeed, a cat blog.
	Apparently, it was a tough year for heterosexuality.
	In 2019, mainstream American culture has wrestled with white middle-class straightness and the question of whether it might be an ultimately doomed project.
	Have you read a more idiotic subhead in your fucking life?
	You want to hear something more idiotic?
	Go to 2-4.
	Not only is heterosexuality doomed, it's a fad.
	She has a theory that she would have discovered she was a lesbian sooner if people didn't convince her.
	What is it?
	More than a year and a decade.
	No, here, go down.
	Yeah.
	If so many straight girls in my life hadn't led me to believe that straight sex relationships are supposed to kind of suck, I probably would have figured out I'm gay a lot sooner.
	You're gay in every sense of the word.
	So anyway, this article is out to prove that heterosexuality is a fad that has come to a conclusion because look, people are sad in a cake.
	Now here's her proof.
	There is a movie called Marriage Story that shows a divorce.
	Noah Baumbach, by the way, was brutally traumatized by his own parents' divorce.
	And Noah and the Whale, Marriage Story, his movies always have divorce as a central element because he has PTSD.
	So that's an argument for marriage and how important it is.
	But anyway, what does she say?
	Oh, she talks about some dumb fucking academic feminist lesbian named Indiana Saracen who was writing for the new inquiry in October about heteropessimism, which she defines, this is her doing her research,
	which she defines as performative disaffiliations, they want to sound smart, so bad, with heterosexuality usually expressed in the form of regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about straight experience.
	Heteropessimism generally has a heavy focus on men as the root of the problem.
	Sound familiar?
	And its performances are rarely accompanied by the actual abandonment of heterosexuality.
	While some people do act, choosing celibacy or the now largely outmoded option of political feminism, most of them just lament the prison of straightness without attempting to either break free from it or transfer from it.
	Let me just tell you what's going on, lady.
	You are ruining not heterosexuality, but sex in general because you're a grumpy feminist bitch and grumpy feminists have ruined sex.
	I was doing an interview the other day and this guy said, what advice would you give young people?
	And I talked about how Ben Shapiro's advice for people who aren't liberal and are in college, his advice was pretend you're liberal, get A's, and then use that degree to make money as a fuck you to your professors.
	Ha ha, I tricked you.
	I said, that's stupid advice.
	That's dumb.
	Go get an F. Be yourself.
	Be honest.
	Write a good essay.
	And if it's MAGA and you get a D, then you died with your boots on like a man.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	But that doesn't apply to sex because sex has been ruined by feminists and your career, you'll be ruined.
	You'll be Kale Hartman living in a cabin in the woods.
	Don't get fired and get in trouble when it comes to sex.
	That's an exception to the rule.
	Because if you just have the same kind of sex I had when I was single with the smashing and the tying up and the ball gags, she could ruin you.
	And it's feminists like this that have destroyed sex.
	So she's saying heterosexuality is just a dumb concept and it can't last.
	But the truth is it's women like her that have wrecked sex itself.
	White middle class.
	The other proof that heterosexuality is dead is the Me Too movement, which kicked off in late 2017 and forced a nationwide reckoning with gendered power imbalances and abuse in the workplace.
	No, it's feminists ruining the workplace too.
	But there's yet to be, again, starting a sentence with butt.
	Remember yesterday they were doing that?
	But there is yet to be another comparably serious reckoning.
	Nearly 50 years after Betty Friedam published The Feminine Mystique, which gendered power imbalances in straight couples, personal law.
	They take these dumb classes, these gender classes in college.
	Then they graduate and they think they're educated.
	No, you speak Klingon.
	You're basically a Trekkie that learned Klingon.
	Your language doesn't apply to anyone outside of the Star Trek universe.
	Gendered power imbalances don't exist.
	That concept, I bet you gendered isn't even a word.
	I bet you it comes up as a spelling mistake if you type in gendered.
	I mean, it's going to come up on the internet.
	Anyway, so it made me think, so she's a lesbian now, which is real.
	That's not endangered.
	That's not stupid.
	That's not a mess.
	That's a real marriage.
	Do you know the stats on lesbian divorce?
	It's absolutely fucking brutal.
	I will concede that divorce in straits is bad, especially in America, because we've got this fucked up, self-indulgent asshole, baby boomers, who invented it.
	When I was a kid in the 70s, no one was divorced.
	Then around 1980, everyone was getting divorced because baby boomers were horny and they wanted to fuck their friend's wife.
	And they did.
	That's how much boomers suck.
	And it was liberals.
	It was liberal boomers who invented divorce.
	Then, my generation, generation X, didn't get married because they had PTSD from their parents' divorce.
	So it's actually quite hard to look up divorce stats because people tend to get remarried.
	So you have to find out, well, were you ever divorced?
	Do I count that?
	But if there's one thing the stats show you, it's that lesbians are terrible at marriage.
	What's 2-4?
	And they're worse than gays at marriage.
	Gays get divorced in droves.
	Oh, is that it?
	We already talked about that.
	Gays get divorced in droves, much more than straights, but lesbians get divorced more than gays.
	And that's because women don't really want what they say they want.
	And lesbians are an exaggeration of women.
	So they really don't know what they want.
	Oh, and let's not even get into domestic abuse in lesbian relationships.
	You know the whole cliché of the wife beater, like the shirt?
	That exists in lesbian relationships.
	The man comes home and does smash her in the face for not having dinner ready because they're playing these roles of this weird, exaggerated version of 1950s Brooklyn.
	So she does have a pack of smokes rolled up into her t-shirt and she does punch her wife in the face.
	Yeah, Sarah Gilbert and Linda Perry are a perfect example.
	They just broke up.
	They adopted some kid.
	How fucked up is that?
	Like a divorce is bad for a kid, but to take a kid into your life, to adopt him and then get divorced?
	Like, why'd you bring me here?
	It's like taking a dog out of the pound and then being homeless.
	Yeah, that's a good analogy, Gav.
	It's like a homeless man taking a dog out of the pound.
	The dog's like, what the fuck?
	I'm still wet.
	I was just here.
	I was rescued from here.
	And it didn't learn how to be a normal, functioning person.
	2-6.
	Can we see them?
	You know what I noticed, by the way?
	Sarah Gilbert is one of the ugliest women I've ever seen.
	She's really aging.
	Like, that's a great picture of her.
	And Linda Perry, she wrote all those hits.
	She wrote, hey, hey, hey, hey.
	What's going on?
	She's a four-non-blonde chick, but she also wrote almost all of Cristina Aguilera's hits.
	And she writes all those big top 10 pop songs.
	That's right.
	Yeah.
	And she's fucking loaded because of it.
	But if you Google them, look up, what's her name?
	Sarah Gilbert?
	Google image Sarah Gilbert.
	She might be the ugliest woman that's on television.
	She couldn't have aged worse.
	There she is on the view with all her makeup on.
	Look at that face.
	She looks like she's 100.
	Do you smoke cigarettes backwards?
	Look at her.
	Look at that witch face.
	Ellen was looking really bad.
	Ellen Degeneres, making a little speech.
	Ellen Degenerate?
	Yeah, she looks like a witch, like an actual cartoon witch.
	So go to 2-7.
	That's the thing I was saying about.
	This is why we need the patriarchy.
	Because women and gays, they don't really know what they want.
	These middle-class men that you hate so much, we're actually pretty good at running the show.
	And when we hand over the reins to you, when we give you the steering wheel, you tend to crash.
	Lesbian couples likely to break up than male couples.
	Like this trans dude.
	Remember this was the first guy ever to say, I'm trans, gender doesn't exist.
	And we said, you know what?
	Here's the steering wheel.
	You take it.
	And you know what he said?
	He goes, yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.
	Why'd you let me do that?
	He said, the lies behind my fictitious sex changes, something I shamefully participated in, first to female and then to non-binary, have been forever exposed.
	A truthful accounting of events has replaced the deceit that allowed me to become America's first legally non-binary person.
	I was full of shit, in other words.
	And if you really want to see what lesbian marriage is.
	So this woman says heterosexuality is doomed and she has a whole bunch of academic claptrap to back it up.
	Here's my academic claptrap to back up the myth of lesbian marriage.
	Yeah, 2-5.
	This whole episode, these Canadian dykes who are basically retarded getting married.
	Look at her.
	Our wedding is actually a month away.
	And we even put the food in that budget.
	Our parents don't think we're mature enough for the real world, let alone marriage.
	So do you guys really seriously think that you can handle this?
	I'd appreciate it on my face.
	I don't think you're mature enough.
	Suck it up, buttercup.
	And our friends think we're making the wrong decision.
	I can't stay at school.
	Stay at home.
	Of course, the ugly one has a hot sibling.
	You must be a real curse, eh?
	we don't care.
	My poor brother must have to look at my gorgeous face and think, Jesus, I'll never be that hot.
	Are your step siblings hot?
	Uh, yeah, they're smoke shows.
	Thunder Bay, Ontario, eh?
	So just, this whole episode is just ridiculous, but go right to the wedding.
	I think it was love at first.
	Look at her.
	She's uglier than Sarah Gilbert.
	Right.
	Because we're only allowed to serve.
	Oh, here we go.
	It's like giving toddlers car keys.
	I'm going to get ready.
	That's what lesbian marriages are.
	I'm going to have my wedding.
	She wants you to get some teeth before you get married.
	Yeah, that's a nice way to put it.
	That's beautiful.
	Okay, go forward to the actual wedding.
	Oh, look at her sister's makeup.
	There we go.
	Is that Jack Black of school?
	Legality is a joke.
	We need to focus on lesbian marriage.
	That's not a joke.
	This is a real wedding.
	This is really two people in love.
	That's real Ivy on that fake lattice.
	Look at that poor father.
	He's just exhausted.
	He looks like he's 100.
	Is she a midget?
	She's standing on a box.
	The next relationship changes.
	And all of us knows it will grow and indeed become stronger.
	Canadians.
	What are you crying about?
	This isn't real.
	I 100% guarantee you this marriage will not last a year.
	I'll bet the farm.
	Those Christmas lights will last longer.
	Glorious.
	You're glorious.
	America.
	Do the dreams I've got inside.
	Glass, glass.
	Wow.
	Beautiful.
	What a real marriage.
	Do you have any more, any ring?
	Any room for more rings?
	People that will be together till the day they die.
	Till death do us part.
	Why is she compelled to keep bowing?
	What the hell?
	What is that?
	Yes.
	Oh, something's wrong with that.
	What is that?
	The sunshine's so crazy.
	Well, that's what people do when they wear suits, right?
	They bow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I'm a gentleman.
	Yeah.
	I'm always at the end of a performance.
	Yeah, she should be curtsying.
	Look at her poor exhausted mother.
	She's almost bald from all this bullshit.
	I like the woman who insisted she was blurred.
	I don't want to be in this.
	I'm not signing her release.
	Yeah.
	Look at the kid on the right.
	He's the only one blurred.
	The kid on the right just...
	This is so fucking gay.
	The no socks.
	Just wearing socks with the teal socks.
	No shoes.
	To the left.
	Oh, just a real casual.
	Just pants with a fuck.
	Socks.
	With a dress with a pattern of shoes.
	She's probably wearing high-heeled shoes, and they hurt her, but she knew they would, and she packed like hospital socks.
	Look at her wedding.
	Oh, my God.
	My dad, at my wedding, lost his shoes.
	At my bachelor party, he lost his shoes.
	I don't know how the fuck that happened.
	So he was wearing sandals with socks at my wedding.
	What a dick.
	They did a great job.
	I felt really, really honored to stand up for Sam today.
	This was completely worth.
	You have white out on your eyelids.
	Boy, when Canadians go trashy, they really pull out all the stuff.
	It's great.
	This is completely worth skipping school.
	It is now time to party.
	There we go.
	This is my favorite part.
	This is at the real wedding.
	It's a great way to dance.
	Who picks the music?
	Still breathing it all in, I guess.
	Do I look like a hobbit?
	Still breathing it all in.
	I think you look a respectable little gentleman.
	I think you look like a respectable little gentleman.
	That deserves a bow.
	Anyway.
	This is state.
	Like, this is what our daughters are reading.
	This is what the women in our lives are reading.
	And it's fucking garbage.
	It's just garbage lies.
	So much of what the media puts out there to consume is just garbage lies.
	Sometimes a lot of the shit I say is garbage lies.
	And I'm of two minds about it.
	In fact, we should discuss the things that I'm of two minds about.
	Starting now.
	We'll be right back.
	This is things I'm of two minds about.
	You should know as a person that you're a better person when a woman is around.
	And by that, I mean when you've had someone make you a sandwich.
	There's before lunch you and after lunch you.
	And without a woman making you a sandwich, you're going to be before lunch you.
	They've done studies where they've discovered that judges actually give out more lenient sentences after lunch.
	So if you're on trial, you want to make sure the sentencing happens around 3 p.m.
	Anyway, I haven't had lunch yet.
	And here are six things that really fucking piss me off.
	Number one, inviting a retard to a prom.
	What are you doing?
	Like, go back to the beginning of this.
	It's a gif, I guess.
	This super hot chick made a cake that says, I want to go to prom with you.
	And this mentally handicapped guy is jumping up and down.
	He's so happy he gets to be with me.
	What the fuck are you doing?
	This is like at a Mets game last year.
	They had a guy come out and sing the national anthem.
	And he was mentally handicapped.
	And he's like, okay, can you?
	Like, he massacred the song.
	I'm sorry.
	You're not good at singing.
	That's why we call it a handicap.
	And this guy isn't like, you jump up and down when you go to prom with a hot chick because you might bone her that night.
	You're going to lose your virginity.
	This is fake.
	She's not even going to, she might let him kiss her on the cheek or something.
	So this is just a fucking lie.
	It's sort of like when that little kid was dying in Seattle and they made him Batman for the day.
	You're not Batman, dude.
	Number two, loud trucks.
	God damn it.
	The city is loud.
	When I do conference calls in New York, I have to put mute on because there's sirens and there's trucks and there's ambulances and it's so fucking loud all the time.
	And I don't understand why loud trucks exist.
	Like, we have the technology to make mufflers and make things quiet, and then you go against the technology and reverse it.
	Why?
	To wake up babies?
	To scare old ladies?
	The fuck are you doing?
	Number three, fake stone roofing shingles.
	I can tell that's not real stone.
	I look at your shingles, and I can see when there's a pattern that it duplicates.
	So you just devalued your whole house.
	It looks fucking terrible.
	It's a bunch of pieces of plastic on your roof.
	What have you done to your home?
	Number four, Piss Christ.
	Boy, does Piss Christ piss me off.
	We just had, I think it was 2011, we had it in a museum in New York.
	It's a photograph some guy did in the 80s of Jesus Christ drenched in piss.
	And can you conceive of someone doing that with a Muslim picture?
	Fuck.
	Someone had a show where they dared to draw Muhammad and two terrorists came to kill Pam Geller for it and were shot by security.
	So we have to live by those standards.
	But when it comes to mocking Catholicism, you can literally drench our gods in piss.
	Fuck you.
	Number five, I yelled at an old lady.
	What the hell is the matter with me?
	Can we have some civility here?
	Can we have some respect for our elders?
	I'm calling her the C-word, calling her a feckless cow.
	Why?
	Because she dared chastise me?
	Show some reverence.
	In case you don't remember the story, Ryan and I were making some jokes on the train and they were disgusting and Ryan was talking about cumbing on people and we were pissing everyone off and she dared to say, hey guys, take it down a notch.
	The fuck is the matter with me?
	Show some respect for crying out loud.
	Number six, guys who work for their dad.
	What's the matter with you?
	You can't get your own job?
	That's pathetic.
	Your dad's in real estate, so now you just, what, collect checks for him from all the property he owns?
	You can't go your own way?
	Like, that's what you do when you're handicapped.
	Your rich dad gets you a job, and you fucking sit on your ass all day and say, daddy, you haven't even moved out.
	If you work for your dad, you haven't technically moved out of the house.
	You're still a baby duck sitting there waddling around, following mommy duck.
	What should I do now, daddy?
	What should I do now?
	I'm going to get a sandwich.
	That cheese was kind of gross.
	A woman didn't make me that sandwich.
	Well, actually, an illegal alien woman made me that sandwich, but why don't they use cheddar at that place?
	I'm not against inviting a retard to prom.
	What is prom?
	It's one stupid date for her.
	And he's going to remember this for the rest of his life.
	So she just made his life by sacrificing one night.
	She can still bone her boyfriend.
	She doesn't even have to hang out with him the whole night.
	She just has to show up at his house, I guess, do a limousine ride, take some photos, and then go party with her friends.
	You can't be inconvenienced for two seconds or play a silly game just to appease someone.
	And look at this guy.
	He just made his day.
	What kind of asshole would have a problem with that?
	Number two, loud trucks.
	This is America, fuckface.
	Okay?
	It's fun to rip down the street in a loud truck.
	It's fun to have a loud motorbike.
	It's also safer, by the way, to have a loud motorbike.
	You're less likely to be hit by cars.
	But if we can't do shit like this in America, what the fuck are we doing here?
	What is this country for if you can't be a fun, loud, obnoxious asshole?
	The fucking pussies are scared that the tires are squealing.
	Ew, I'm scared.
	Go move to Norway if you want to be a faggot.
	Number three, fake stone roofing shingles.
	Do you know how long you have to stare at these tiles before you realize that they're fake?
	Like you really have to be looking for it.
	It takes about a minute to sit there and go, wait a minute, I see that thing repeating.
	They look exactly like stone tiles.
	Grow the fuck up.
	Also, they're about 100 grand cheaper.
	You can redo your whole roof for maybe 40% of what it would cost with actual stone shingles.
	So don't use stone shingles.
	That's stupid.
	Number four, piss Christ.
	I am totally and utterly against the censoring of art.
	That's not what this country is about.
	We let freedom reign.
	And, you know, when you're open to your own interpretation, then you can see this as a pro-Catholic thing.
	The guy who took this photograph, who made this image, is a Catholic.
	He considers himself a God-fearing Christian.
	And you could argue that this is how Christ is perceived in the mainstream media.
	It's sort of like that movie, The Hunt, I think it was called, where these rich people hunted down MAGA rednecks and killed them for sport.
	And they banned the movie because there was backlash.
	I thought, I don't want the movie banned.
	I love all art.
	And secondly, I think it's kind of pro-MAGA in a sense that it's lampooning the elites for the way they see the average American.
	So it's kind of a pro-Trump movie in that sense.
	And you could argue that this is a pro-Christ piece because it's saying, look at how Christ is depicted in the media and look at how people piss all over him and they don't piss on any other religion.
	So I love Piss Christ.
	Piss Christ.
	Number five, that time I yelled at an old lady.
	Okay, first of all, let's go back to the context.
	Ryan and I had a funny bit.
	We were talking about the term pretty boy and how it actually compliments the guy you don't like.
	And then we were joking about someone who was shitting on someone, but secretly complimenting, like, get out of here with your mile high cheekbones and your beast-stung lips and your runway looks, pretty boy.
	And we thought it was funny.
	And now Ryan took it too far and he said, I don't even want to come on you or something like that.
	And some woman was eavesdropping.
	So if there's one thing that pisses me off when it comes to censorship is when I'm not even out there publicly, but I'm privately talking to someone.
	So you want to listen in on my conversation and then tell me how I can joke with my friends?
	What a fucking bitch.
	And the reason I called her a cunt and called her a feckless cow and made fun of her and I didn't yell, by the way.
	I was just like, get the fuck out of that kind of a tone.
	I wasn't like, da-da-da-da.
	I was like, dismissive.
	And you want to play with the big boys?
	Then you get called bad words.
	You want to come into my bubble and start telling me how to think, how to act?
	Sorry, lady.
	I don't feel bad about that.
	Number six, guys who work for their dad.
	Every father's dream is to build a company that his son can work at.
	There's no better joy for a man besides his daughter marrying a great guy who has tons of money than having his son continue the business.
	I mean, that's why you breed.
	You have kids, so they'll have grandkids and propagate the species.
	The business version of that is you start a company, your son works at that company, and the company continues after you die and continues to employ people ad infinitum.
	That's your goal with a company.
	Most rich guys I know, they don't really enjoy their money.
	Like, they don't have silk sheets and go on yachts and stuff and eat caviar.
	They drink Budweiser.
	The reason they're making money is for their kids.
	And the best way to convey money to your kids or any kind of legacy is for your son to take over your business.
	So he's not being a bitch.
	He's propagating the business.
	I feel pretty good about it.
	Was that funny?
	I thought it was poignant.
	It was a good piece.
	Insecure.
	This is insecure week.
	Yeah, what the heck?
	I'm of two minds about it.
	That's a very insecure thing to do, too.
	Ah.
	To have two opinions.
	Maybe you're just smart, doubly smart, because you have to think of a poignant case for each side.
	All right.
	We're running out of time here.
	I think it's time for viewer mail.
	Ah, the segment of the show where on cue, when you mention it, I go to this bumper right here.
	Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mail back.
	Let me touch it.
	This is just, it just keeps piling up.
	I can't take a chip out of it.
	What's that?
	This is from Jason.
	The chick from Uncut Gems.
	Holy shit.
	Oh, Uncut Gems.
	Yeah, I did see that.
	Wow.
	That is something to write home about.
	That's a lot of woman.
	That's the kind of woman where you meet her and you think, I don't want to fuck her because this is the one I want to marry and I still want to party a little bit before.
	Why aren't you showing it, you tard?
	Pulling up all the pics.
	There's only two.
	Look at that.
	Like, that's a wife.
	That's almost like, no thanks.
	I want to eat junk food for a while before I have a steak that delicious.
	What would we give her out of 10?
	Tiny bit too masculine for me, but I'm going to say 8.8.
	That's pretty good.
	I'm confident in that picking.
	Taylor, Adidas Fat Shaming.
	Holy shit.
	Go to Adidas.com and you'll see a fat black woman spandex with her fat rolls falling to the floor with the phrase, everything stays put.
	Oh, gee.
	What?
	Is that a blooper?
	Get me out of the picture.
	What?
	How is this good for your brand?
	Everything stays put.
	No, not at all.
	The opposite.
	They say the opposite of what the truth is.
	Just like that woman saying heterosexuality is over.
	Um.
	That, uh.
	Huh.
	Thank you.
	Also, I've emailed your support guy a half dozen times because it says email is on the website.
	I mainly use the internet on my phone and just now realize there is a mailbag link.
	Maybe I'm just a retard, but maybe you should make a mailbag link a little more noticeable.
	Blah, blah, blah, blah.
	Boring.
	This one's from Alan.
	G-Balls, he calls me.
	Help me keep my wife Out of the workforce.
	I have recently started my own business, concrete polishing.
	That sounds like it's a very lucrative and intelligent pursuit.
	And was hoping you could give me some advice on becoming an entrepreneur.
	I have two young kids and a wife to support, so I can't afford to fuck this up.
	My wife and I strongly believe that it is best for the kids if she is at home to raise them and not off at some trivial job as a secretary or whatever broads are doing in the workforce these days.
	So I need to start earning pretty quickly.
	Fortunately, I've been playing this for quite some time, and I have bought most of the equipment I need, so my overhead is minimal.
	Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.
	My word of wisdom to you, sir, is to work your fucking ass off and say yes to everything.
	The best way to make money for a new company is to have a hipster, a hacker, and a hustler.
	Now, that's more of a media thing.
	I'm not sure it applies to concrete polishing, but the basic premise of that is the hipster sort of keeps involved in the culture of what's going on.
	The hacker makes sure everything works and understands how to damage control, triage, how to fix things on the fly.
	And then the hustler is the sales guy getting out there.
	So I guess you're doing all this by yourself and you have to take on all three roles.
	That's going to be a bitch.
	You should really just have one guy.
	Like we can maybe do the hacker and the hustler.
	One guy is handling all the actual work and then the other guy is out there getting gigs.
	I don't see how you could do both at the same time.
	But the big picture here is when you have a wife and a kid on the way, you have to work your fucking ass on.
	If that means she's alone and you don't come home till 9 o'clock or at all some nights because you're working all night fucking long, that's what you got to do.
	The second you have a kid, your sense of self is gone.
	And if you're selfish, then you don't like that because you want more me time.
	I want to play more video games.
	I'm only 35.
	I want to watch the Hulk beat up Spider-Man.
	But yeah, a real man goes, all right, I'm done with my self phase of my life.
	Now it's time for another self to be important, and I'm just going to work my fingers to the bone.
	I would also, my other advice would be to start small.
	The studio we're in now costs almost nothing.
	It's an absolute shithole.
	We're actually at the back of someone else's office and we're subleasing this studio.
	So you would be stunned if you saw how shitty it is.
	I mean, the TriCaster is expensive and some of the equipment, but my overhead is nothing.
	And I think June will be a year.
	I think if we make some good money, we might get a real studio.
	Ooh.
	Like more Infowars-y.
	Why don't you show that?
	That's getting women at the workforce.
	But the thing about women in the workforce, too, is you've got to get her a car.
	You have to pay for daycare.
	You're in a higher tax bracket.
	After you include all the costs that it costs for her to raise more money, she ends up making like three grand a year.
	It's not helpful.
	And your kids are being raised by strangers.
	Paul Joseph Watson again nails it when he talks about this generation of millennials being screaming brats.
	And that's from them being the first daycare generation.
	Because how do you get noticed in a daycare?
	You scream.
	You act like a brat.
	That gets you attention.
	So it ends up conditioning you to be a fucking brat.
	So that's my advice for you.
	Bust your ass and start small.
	Chris, Connor Oberst.
	Gavin, you spoke yesterday to musicians you thought sold their souls to the devil.
	Do you think Conor Oberst is one of those people?
	Just looking at his disography, I'd be inclined to say yes, but I would agree that fame is what people sell their souls for and not to write great music.
	Isn't he Bright Eyes?
	I thought it was the one that you showed the other day.
	With the ears?
	Connor Oberst.
	Bright Eyes, yeah.
	He's the one who does the Desperacitos, too, right?
	Desperacito.
	He's also an insufferable communist.
	Yeah, it's Connor Oberst.
	Yeah, I don't think he sold his soul to the devil.
	But his, you know what's annoying about that song that I was talking about yesterday, Mañana?
	The next song is called The Left is Right.
	And it's about socialism and how so you're, I'm parting my ass off listening to this awesome song.
	And then the next song comes on, and the lyrics are right out of the Communist Manifesto.
	What does he say here?
	You know, the 60s proved that change is hit or miss.
	Every bloody pacifist concedes the truth.
	If one must die to save the 99, maybe it's justified.
	The left is right.
	What are you, Stalin?
	Should we kill 7 million Ukrainians to feed the Soviet Union?
	Fuck off.
	But that doesn't bother me.
	I can listen to music.
	I don't want to listen to lyrics that are advocating genocide, which is what that socialist cunt does.
	But I can listen to bands where I hate their politics, or else there'd be no music.
	I can listen to Satanists.
	Remember yesterday, Pete Townsend was talking about Greta Thunberg and how lovely little Greta taught us to listen to the science.
	And I was like, Jesus Christ, even the Who is polluted?
	I was just thinking about her with underwear on or something.
	Alan, watched a comedy special on Amazon Prime that should earn me a purple heart.
	Hey, Gavin, Alana Glazer is a comedian, apparently, and I just watched her comedy special on Amazon Prime.
	Actually, I only got to 1017, but I'm pretty proud of that.
	I bet you can't beat my mark.
	That's a challenge.
	Atlanta Glazer, I think I know the comedy special he's talking about, and I was dared to watch it.
	Oh, Atlanta Glazer.
	No, that's not what I was thinking of.
	Broad City.
	Yeah.
	God, she's so all about abortion, and it's because she's a slut who's had to have a bunch.
	Waiting for me to use.
	Damn.
	Men's razors are superior to women's razors.
	It's almost like it was designed that way.
	No, they wouldn't do that.
	Ha, ha, ha.
	Just pause.
	Do you know what she's talking about?
	Men's razors being designed better than women's?
	Yeah.
	Women's razors tend to be more expensive than men's razors, and it's proof that there's sexism.
	And men's razors are actually higher quality, but they're cheaper because we live in a sexist society.
	That's a myth.
	Remember our buddy, not Elad, but the other guy with the beard?
	He debunked this myth and said, no, actually, they're more ergonomic.
	They take more technology, women's razors.
	Men's razors are often exactly the same, but because women have more details on their razors, they tend to be more expensive.
	And there's still plenty of women's razors that are cheaper than men's razors.
	It's just a dumb mistake that women make because they get their information from Facebook memes.
	I do remember that.
	Do you remember that guy?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Women's razors.
	Yeah, men's razors are just excellent quality.
	The metal is like military grade.
	Women's razors are so flimsy.
	The slightest breeze sends them flying off the shelf of the shower.
	Is that funny?
	Oh, wow.
	Look at the front row.
	That looks like a fun time.
	A little guy in a wig?
	Yeah, sure is.
	With a leotard and a mustache.
	Keep playing it, though.
	And someone decided about six, seven years ago, to line the perimeter of women's razors with soap and rubber.
	Houston, let me ask you something.
	Be real with me.
	Do I look too dumb to lather my own leg?
	Men's razors have a bar line of soap on them.
	Houston, let me ask you another thing.
	This is rough.
	After one shower, doesn't the soap become the texture of cum?
	Imagine clapping to the word cum.
	This is brutal.
	I'm getting in the shower.
	Alan, you're right.
	I can't hold a candle to your 10 minutes and 17 seconds.
	How long did we just do there?
	Three minutes?
	I can't see anymore.
	Ferenti.
	The God bit is awful when that hack Stephen Colbert does it on his show, but at least he projects God on the ceiling.
	Yeah, I'm not feeling very confident about my God bit.
	I may have to retire that.
	4chan.
	Firewall, this guy calls himself.
	Cease and desist.
	Is that him talking to God?
	Merry Christmas.
	Thank you.
	Well pandered, God.
	Well pandered.
	It's what I do.
	I want people to like me.
	Now, God.
	I didn't know God does this.
	Me neither.
	Well, Stephen, when a man loves a woman very much, they exchange a story.
	In my defense, I first did the interview with God in Vice magazine in 1995.
	I also interviewed a potato.
	No more God, please.
	That's a filler bit for an unimaginative children's show.
	Also, cease and desist the falling activities.
	Picking your nose.
	There's no excuse for this.
	Nobody wants to see it.
	So far, I'm with you.
	Ain't a lips.
	No, I'm never not saying that word.
	That's one of my greatest accomplishments.
	Not telling Ryan to stop mumbling and rambling.
	If he doesn't know what to say or how to say, does he keep his mouth shut?
	I recently listened to an old pre-Ryan season of G-O-M-L, and the quality was noticeably better.
	What do you think of that, Ryan?
	Hurts.
	So be meaner to Ryan?
	I didn't know that was possible.
	That Irish or Scottish song you keep bringing up, it's not only the most boomer thing I've ever heard, it's also Scottish or Irish, which is nasty and foul.
	Okay.
	Like Jesus and Mary Chain and the shop assistants?
	Literally inbred deformed communists.
	That is pretty true.
	They are fucking wildly socialist and fucking hideous.
	Most ugly people on planet Earth.
	You know why Scots are so ugly?
	Because when the Vikings came, they stole all the hot chicks and brought them back to Scandinavia.
	That's why Scandinavian girls are hot.
	Because the Vikings stole all the hotties from every country they invaded.
	So if you find Scandinavians hot, you're a rape apologist.
	Oh, Live from New York crashes horrifically with the intro music and makes it sound like a toothpaste sandwich.
	Well, we're not changing that.
	Mentioning the same couple of things about yourself every single show.
	Every single one, you bring it up like you're contractually obliged or severely insecure.
	This is a very mean letter, isn't it?
	Very.
	Hurt my feelings, hurt your feelings.
	Sounds like somebody should start their own show.
	Shouldn't you list the things you're talking about?
	What do I say about myself every show?
	I don't know.
	And Nusk.
	Rick and Morty?
	Subject?
	Why isn't there a connection for Gavin being Rick Sanchez and Ryan Morty?
	Rick's a genius alcoholic who is constantly on Morty's ass, and Ryan is learning.
	That's a gay letter.
	Roasters Anonymous.
	They say they only roast the ones you love.
	This is emailed to everyone possibly associated with the show.
	Gavin, you disappointed more Scotsman than Austin Powers fat bastard.
	I recently saw an old recording of Anal Chinook performing live.
	Can't determine what you lack more of, a vocal range or a jawline.
	Vicious choked to death on his own vomit would be easier, blah, blah, blah, than having to sing your foreskin song again.
	But moving to New York, you've managed to make 9-11 the second most tragic thing to happen within city limits.
	Waka, waka.
	Gavin got his first taste of celebrity when David Cross came in his mouth.
	After months of relentlessly researching and studying for the role, Gavin started How to Be a Man.
	Oh, I get it.
	And I thought Perry Caravello's IMDb page was depressing.
	As it turns out, you've played yourself more times than he's played himself.
	Gavin missed his last chance of being in a blockbuster when they went out of business.
	Not really going for an acting career, by the way.
	Gavin, your past history with cocaine and other narcotics, we're proud you fought through the abuse and have now gone a decade without doing anything of substance.
	Not bad.
	That was pretty well worded.
	I tried to buy the Death of Cole on Amazon.
	It said users who bought this also bought 50 feet of twisted manila rope.
	Just say rope.
	When Gavin goes to confession, the priest will often bypass the formalities and just have Gavin blow into a breathalyzer.
	This is a long joke.
	Depending on what percentile he scores in, the priest then proposes an act of penance and instructs him to practice the works of mercy, such as feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, recycling stolen bottles of comedian wine, and letting a homeless man named Larry do a better job of hosting Get Off My Lawn than Gavin ever has.
	That was great.
	Matt, friend is an absolute pussy.
	I love these kind of letters.
	Gavin, my friend and roommate is an absolute pussy.
	To begin with, his two and a half months relationship is coming to an end, mostly because this girl talks to her coworker often and is sometimes too busy to talk to him.
	He has cried almost every day, multiple times, and said that he was going to kill himself over her.
	Also, he gossips like a bitch, cannot stand to be uncomfortable for any amount of time, never stands up for himself, and has no opinions.
	How would you toughen up a friend, someone who is not much younger than me, and get him to stop being a pussy?
	My advice for you, Matt, would be booze.
	Let's get this guy drunk.
	Let's get him in touch with his liquid courage, and maybe that can simulate actual courage down the line.
	Otherwise, just tell him to fuck off.
	That's a good rule of thumb for life.
	And if you find yourself not being yourself, then that's what unhappiness is.
	So don't associate with those people anymore.
	All right, last one.
	Anthony.
	Dear Gavin and Ryan, thanks for turning me on to Jerry Cinnamon.
	Wait, we talked about this?
	We talked about Jerry Cinnamon.
	Devoni has been on heavy rotation for a while now.
	Have either of you listened to Benjamin Todd of the Lost Street Dog Band.
	Terrible name, I know.
	His solo acoustic stuff is worth checking out.
	There's a song called Using Again that's a pretty good place to start.
	He appears a lot on the Gems on VHS series on YouTube, which had a ton of great music on it.
	Cheers.
	All right, that's a good way to end the letters.
	Let's fucking check out Benjamin Todd.
	Wait, isn't that the guy we saw yesterday?
	No, just has a ratty old acoustic.
	In common.
	And tats.
	Yes.
	Whoa, shit.
	What have you done?
	Is that your postal code?
	Your zip code?
	Is that brand new?
	Using again?
	I want it to be stark black.
	Is that fine?
	What have you done?
	Neck tattoos.
	Oh, is that a tutorial?
	Is there a person on earth who doesn't regret their neck tattoo?
	That's a riff rundown.
	Let's see.
	Is it the same guy, I think?
	And I'm using again.
	Nice hat.
	Look at that.
	I'm hating my name because I'm cursed like my kin.
	And if I should see you before I'm condemned, I hope you're deceived by the webs that I spin.
	I wish I was who I appeared.
	Cause I despise the man in the mirror.
	He's great.
	Yeah.
	This is awesome.
	Lost deep inside of my dirty old soul.
	Some story I'd told they never taught so much.
	They're awful white guys.
	Such a dumb fad.
	We just need to address white supremacy.
	It's at the root of all our problems.
	It's the number one terrorist rate.
	Did you know that?
	I did.
	It's impossible to be racist towards whites, by the way.
	Yes.
	That's a fact.
	Because whites have the power.
	So you can't be mean to power.
	He's just...
	He just cashed in all his white privilege.
	He watched power.
	Yes.
	This guy.
	If a black guy played guitar and sang a song, no one would care.
	No, it's not powerful enough.
	People don't like when black people sing songs.
	No.
	They're not allowed to make music.
	All right.
	Shall we end the show?
	Sure.
	I want to end it with this video that I saw.
	This is 138.
	Crazy lady on a plane.
	But prepare to be really fucking annoyed by the guy in front of her.
	You may have to hide me or move me.
	No, you're going to tell me.
	Actually, I'd like to be in this.
	So shrink it.
	Just pause.
	Pause and then set it up correctly.
	I mean, you may have to super shrink it.
	Can't you move me somewhere else?
	Yeah.
	Here we go.
	Let me see.
	So we'll do this.
	And then I'll take you.
	Put me on the left side.
	Look at his face.
	Here's something that really bothers me too about society in general.
	The lack of humor.
	Like, I would be laughing my head off if I was her.
	And you know what else I would do if I was on this plane?
	I'd be getting her going.
	I'd be like, so what are they arresting you for?
	Yeah, is it bullshit or not?
	Yeah.
	It sounds like you didn't do anything.
	Shouldn't, hey, officer, shouldn't you tell?
	I wouldn't fuck with the cops, but if someone ever goes nuts on a plane, I'm going to be like, no one's even listening.
	That's fucked up.
	You're right.
	Might as well get angry.
	Yeah.
	So what's the problem again?
	And they won't even listen to you?
	That's fucked up.
	I saw somebody do the exact same thing that you were doing on my return flight before.
	Totally fine.
	Everyone was fine with it.
	Actually, classic.
	It's like they're out to get you.
	I didn't even do anything.
	No!
	It's not me.
	So he just saw that he's being recorded.
	And he's pissed off me.
	Why do you care that you're being recorded?
	Look, he's looking at her.
	I don't want to be on this tape.
	Wait, now I'm in the way of her.
	I'm not leaving.
	I am going.
	Make me vanish.
	Look, look.
	What are you putting your headphones on?
	Look at this.
	This is the worst part.
	I want to know what the hell is going on.
	She has to go pee.
	I want you telling me what you're doing.
	Excuse me, can I go pee?
	Can I go pee?
	Just quickly?
	No.
	What did I do?
	I want to go pee.
	You're going to tell me what I'm doing.
	Yes.
	I didn't even do anything except purchase a ticket.
	No, the pilot falls.
	I'm not leaving here with my personal.
	He has to go pee.
	Dude, you're not going to be able to go pee when the police are trying to restrain a lunatic.
	What do you think?
	Oh, you're breaking my arm!
	I'm not trying to break no arms.
	Yes, you are.
	He is.
	Now he's checking his phone?
	Yes, you are.
	You son of a gun.
	Stand up.
	You son of a gun.
	Did you say you son of a gun?
	You sure did.
	I didn't do anything.
	See, this is the problem with women today.
	They're just so empowered that it's become abrasive.
	Look, okay, sorry.
	Look.
	So just go back.
	This is the most annoying part.
	Hey, can I go pee?
	You've already asked that 10 times.
	Oh, okay.
	Sorry.
	Sorry, buddy.
	Sorry.
	What do you think?
	Of course you can't go piss.
	Is he autistic?
	And now he doesn't.
	He's fidgeting.
	You don't want to hear this?
	Like her foot's there.
	This guy just reacts.
	This is a reactor.
	I think he's such a pussy that he's stressed out by this.
	Like the way a dog is on July 4th with the firecrackers.
	He just doesn't like the loudness.
	Now he's checking his phone like it's a nervous tick.
	Look at his fidgets.
	Like, what are you doing?
	What are you checking your notes?
	Are you zooming in on some picture on Facebook?
	No, no, no.
	Wrinkle my forehead.
	How is it so hard to get a woman out of a chair?
	What do we pay these guys for?
	I see a hair.
	Hit her up.
	I see a fully operational weapon.
	What's the problem?
	Shoot her.
	But like, this is a pussy America.
	Just pick her up and fucking drag her out of the fucking bus.
	Ma'am, we're going to shoot off each one of your toes.
	I need you to be very expeditious when there's a lunatic on a plane.
	They tend to have bombs.
	What if she starts spitting?
	They're pooping.
	You're breaking my arms.
	Just pick her up.
	No, I'm not resisting.
	Nothing.
	You're twisting my neck and my arms.
	This is lame.
	Quit it!
	No!
	Stop it!
	Stop it!
	Damn it!
	Get off of me!
	They're cops, lady.
	You're on a plane.
	How do you think this is gonna go?
	You think they're gonna drop it?
	Quit it!
	What are you gonna do?
	Beat them up?
	I don't know why I'm being arrested.
	No!
	You're gonna tell me right now!
	Okay, no, you're gonna handcuff me in this.
	Board of Seattle.
	Why am I under arrest?
	What did I do?
	Fupa vision.
	Under what?
	Why do all these, that age of women have the same body?
	They always have that weird gunt.
	I asked a female friend then.
	She gave me some long diatribe about carbs and processing carbs and food education and how women process have different metabolisms or something.
	And I said, okay, so men, they don't seem to look like that.
	Like, there's plenty of fat men.
	But generally, when you see a couple who's in their late 50s, early 60s, he's normal and she's got that big fucking gun.
	And then she got pissed off at me and said, well, a lot of it's having to deal with men too.
	It's stressful.
	So we eat.
	It's like, okay, so now your obese, everything is my problem, including your slovenly lifestyle and your inability to take in less carbs than you burn.
	I really think it's because there's the hormones in the food.
	Women are not meant to be eating cheeseburgers.
	No, it's because women used to do more.
	She used to be cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids and then the grandkids.
	And they were always busy in the 60s and 70s.
	Now they sit on their fucking ass and play Scrabble on their phone.
	Can we see him?
	Is he?
	Anyway, isn't that guy irritating?
	Yeah.
	God.
	Dr. October.
	Throw some balls and have a laugh.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.

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