All Episodes
Previous Next
Dec. 31, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
58:13
S02E106 - MAIL BAG 2019 (Part 2)
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Pull out with no cash on me, calm down with no mash on me Stay away from these ashy youths for they come around and get ash from me That's five thousand capacity five thousand capacity Then spread the whole UK Who the fuck when they gashed you up like you're good enough to be cashin' me Oh beats up arresting me Trudge me up people gas to me Them look of rich when I try to me Oh man,
do you want depth to me I'm a enemy eyes Lippin' in the edge to the end of our lives Who finished and telling me lies along with my enemy dive ahead of my time Me team boy start slitting off live We can never ever ever level in prize Take that feeling in So yesterday these are two mailbag special shows yesterday we had Wiley and that was from 2004.
Why not?
And today that's Wiley's latest hit.
He's actually it's not his hit.
He's guesting on this particular song.
Stormzy is the song and oh wait, no.
Stormzy's the rapper and Audacity was the song.
It's about how hard it is to be black in Britain and how everyone's always accusing him of stuff.
Meanwhile, he's standing on a fucking 18-wheeler and there's dead bodies in a freezer.
Looks like we got the right guy.
People always harassing me.
All I do is murder people and freeze them.
And I'm the bad guy.
We meet up in abandoned buildings with masks on with fire stat.
All I do is drive around on my 18-wheeler killing people and freezing them to death.
Freezing dead people.
trespassing and I'm fucking Looking dumpster fires.
All I do is run the underworld in huge underground caves with human sacrifices and take over the roadways with my biker gang.
And the police are like, oh, I hate you.
I have a heart out akin to pain.
I'm basically the bad guy in the movie, The Mummy.
And people think I'm evil.
Just because I act like Imhotemp.
Just because I haven't seen the sun in nine years.
I'm the bad guy.
Just because I'm the bad guy, everyone thinks I'm the bad guy.
You're the bad guy in this movie you made.
And you're mad that people think...
He's been swinging upside down for too long.
And fuck the police.
He says, motherfucker got a bad because I'm brown.
And then the same album, he goes, I never should have been let out the penitentiary.
So the cops are right.
So Tim Hunt was right.
About 40, 45 years.
40, 40, 45, 45.
That is addicting.
I gotta look that up.
Addictive.
Oh, snaps.
What did you ask?
So last episode, I cut you off because I thought it would be funny to be mean.
Yes.
Funny to be mean.
So what is your stupid analogy?
Well, it's not an analogy.
It's a what if.
Now, let's say you're on an island.
And there's only you'll only ever see the hundred girls that live on that island.
Does a three no, let's say there's a one on that island, a global one, but now she's on that island, she'll never leave, you'll never see any other one.
So does that three become a one because she's the ugliest girl on that island?
No.
You're off the books.
Here's the deal.
You don't get to see a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Oh.
You can in cities.
You can.
I mean, if you live in the middle of nowhere, it kind of changes things, but you're still in society.
If you're on a desert island, you're not in society.
So is it relative?
Or is it static and it's a one is a one, a two is a two?
I know what you're saying.
Like, what if there was ten girls there?
Right.
Or whatever, a hundred.
Could they all be tens?
There's literally no one?
No.
What if one is a nine?
Does she become a one, the other becomes a ten?
Because they always say that, too, about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
If it was like your friend's girlfriend, you'd go, oh, my friend's hanging out with this six.
She's really political.
But in the world of politics, they're all so ugly.
She's more like almost an eight.
She's a 7.8.
I see what you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or who's the chick, the Hawaiian chick?
That Hawaiian joint?
That Hawaiian joint?
Talib.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Taliban.
Yeah.
She's, to walk down the street, she's pretty old.
So you'd say that's, I'm not, I can't go much above seven.
She's fucking 55 or something.
Would you ever, but in the political sphere, she's like an 8.8.
Would you ever say something like, she's an 8 but has a wooden leg if she has a wooden leg?
Or does her wooden leg make her something else?
Well, now we're getting more, now I can understand it more.
Because I will admit I was actually confused by your desert thing.
Meaning not confident with my response.
Were you saying that if there's no Cheetos on an island, a coconut doesn't become a Cheeto?
Right, I was saying you don't deserve Cheetos, so you can't just say, well, there's no Cheetos here, so this coconut is basically the most Cheeto thing, so it's a Cheeto.
No, there's no Cheetos.
There's no tens.
But also, if there's 10 girls there, you're going to have different scales.
Like, you'll be like, this one girl on this desert island has two boobs, two arms, two legs.
She can breathe and she can walk.
And she might be good at hunting pigs.
Like in Africa, they prefer women with fat asses because genetically they feel like they're, and this is biological, they feel like their population needs help.
You know, they're under duress population-wise, even though their population is soaring.
But, you know, God put it in their DNA that, uh-oh, we need to make more.
We're not established yet as a society.
So they like big hips.
Conversely, you have Finland and Northern Europe where they go, we are already very established, so we don't need to breed them all.
So they're not attracted to women with big child-bearing hips.
And the ideal Swedish woman looks like a 12-year-old boy.
I see what you mean, yeah.
So your taste is contingent on what you need to survive.
So it is relative.
It's global.
It's like a Chinese one in a Swedish one.
Chinese people are the same as us, you racist pig.
I know.
So if you go to China, there's a one, there's a ten.
By the way, China do you think of them as not human?
No, you're a well-trained soldier.
Of course, I think they're human.
Wow, that was weird.
Is there a Chinese one?
Do Chinese people eat food?
Yeah.
All right, so shall we get back to the letters too soon?
Oh, we could.
A, B, C, D, just kidding.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
I'm going to send you a commercial for an espresso that I just saw on Reddit.
And I thought, you know what we should do?
We should edit in, or maybe a viewer at home can do this, edit in footage of the white farmers in South Africa and maybe cut out when he says Puerto Rico and make this commercial all about the farmers in South Africa who are being murdered and need help.
Yeah.
This would be such a funny ad.
So you have like over, you know, 6,000 South African farmers have been murdered in the past four years or whatever it is.
And you show these gory pictures and then you say, but Hollywood is fighting back.
You'd have to kill this Nespresso part.
We are boutist.
Puerto Rico is our coffee.
And local props were totally.
One of the things we are about to stop in Puerto Rico is our coffee.
And local props were totally wiped out.
So we formed a coalition.
We call them the Coffee Avengers to help local farmers rebuild their crops.
You're sticking it out through all this.
You're not going anywhere.
There, you could use that.
Oh, but Nespresso is still there.
Nespresso, yeah.
Is it still going?
Keep playing it.
One of the things we're doing.
Well, that's doubled with Puerto Rico.
It's 15 seconds long.
And local crops.
Well, there's another one where he says, if you can save one farm, then you can save a community.
You're stretching it out.
I'm just wasting your time.
Sorry.
I thought, find the longer one of that and then take all the footage, not you, but then take all the footage that doesn't mention Puerto Rico or coffee and just talks about crops and farmers, and then make it about the white farmers of South Africa.
And you have a funny bit.
That's something I should have done.
You're paying for funny bits, and I'm sitting here giving you a homework assignment.
I allopogize.
All right.
This is from Ben.
Do you know where I'm going here, by the way?
Are you seeing my pattern?
I'm going up from the last Richard one.
This is Ben Ebacker.
And the question is, is this real?
I can't.
I'm banned from Facebook.
Oh, here we go.
I got it.
Okay.
Follow link.
This is from December 2nd.
No, 2020 Democratic candidate calls from legalizing bestiality, where you are pleasuring the animal in 2013.
So this is Sank Uger.
I have decided what that boing boing chick was doing.
She was doing a jaywalking bestiality.
Like, yeah, it might technically be a crime, but let's not waste the court's time on jaywalking.
Okay.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, fair enough.
But here comes the controversial part, the part I shouldn't say.
I believe that I am going.
If I were the ruler, the benevolent dictator of the world, I would legalize bestiality where you are.
Just pause.
What's with his eyes?
He's stoned.
Is he stoned?
I haven't been stoned in so long.
This is pot talk.
If I was the benevolent dictator, I would be.
First of all, there'd be free cupcakes.
Because he's got those eyes.
You know who has those eyes?
She's super hot.
Marina Bartamaliona.
She does the Fox business, business reports.
She's super attractive.
But her eyes are always wet.
It looks like she just got done crying.
And she just went, like she dumped her bow and she goes, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Let's go.
Okay.
So what are we going to order?
Yeah.
What's her name?
Now, you know how we were talking about sexual attraction the other day?
Bard Romo.
Bard Romo.
Martina Maria Bartimono.
Just change your name to Jen Brown.
We were talking about sex appeal and how there's beautiful women that just don't have it, like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry.
Conversely, this woman's old as shit.
And I've got a boner.
I don't know what it is.
It's hard to explain.
She could have the shittiest tits.
She could have Ryan Ketsu Rivera's tits.
Shit tits.
Ryan Titsu Rivera.
And I would still be on board.
Anyway, sorry, let's go back to Stony Bologna saying we should fuck animals.
Giving.
You are pleasuring the animal.
You see what I'm saying?
Okay.
Okay.
Why not why?
Why did that happen?
Yeah, what's everyone's problem?
Okay.
Okay.
Why not why?
Why did that happen?
Because you're talking about pleasuring animals.
That's why.
Why is this even a priority?
Like, why does this exist?
I don't know.
Oh, I know why, because he's a Turk and he's Muslim and he realizes that – It was like Thursday.
And they'd be, I'm not lying.
They'd be sitting there with the infrareds going, oh my God.
Oh, for crying out loud.
And they just see these jihadis or even just local farmers just fucking the shit out of goats and sheep on Thursdays.
There's a goat fucking day.
And that day lasts their entire life.
It is the longest day.
It's the dumbest thing I've said.
It really is the dumbest thing you said.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
Because like, so there's like, was the case that we covered where there was like a guy or a girl or something that was pleasuring a horse and the horse came to a conclusion, right?
The horse decided, I don't want to do this anymore.
That was his conclusion.
How about a chipmunk?
You know that people who are...
Shut up.
No, I can't see what you're doing.
I'm jerking off a chipmunk.
Okay, can you mind your own business, please?
Oh, my...
He's trying to escape.
No, he's enjoying it.
You like that, you little whore?
Hey?
Yeah.
This is me.
Guess what I'm doing right now?
Rubbing the stimulus area of an octopi.
No, a mouse.
Ah.
You like that, you little bitch?
Hey?
Fucking yeah.
Who's hung like a rodent?
Yeah.
No, I'm not a homo.
I'm rubbing a mouse pussy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
A mouse is pussy by Kevin McInnes.
By Charles Dickens.
Hey, look, not to be a downer about what you're saying, because what you're saying sounds kind of funny, but a lot of people who are being raped can actually have an orgasm.
So if a guy is being raped, he can have an orgasm.
Like you can't say, oh, if you come, that means you wanted it.
That's not the right way to go.
But number one, you're being an unbelievable downer.
I am, but that's the truth.
Number two, they're not both humans.
Number three, I mean, if you really ask the horse, did you mind?
The answer's got to be, no!
Do you see what I'm saying?
No.
Who's in the audience?
It sounds like seven people.
I'm going to leave it be.
Okay.
Probably his tech guys.
Yeah.
I don't like...
That's kind of endearing.
I didn't know they.
Why is it illegal to fuck a horse?
I don't know.
As far as society goes.
Probably for our own benefit.
We probably do end up getting pretty shitty people.
It's not like you end up with some scientist that was going to save the world who happened to be blowing mice.
Yeah.
If you're not blowing mice like you want to be, what are you doing?
Does it come up?
Like, how often is bestiality in court?
He's talking about wasting the court's time.
Is this a thing?
Boom.
Another bestiality case.
It's a Lauren Order branch spin-off.
It seems like this guy was screwing a rat.
Well, seems like this.
I was talking to Ann Coulter the other day, and she said there was this episode where this guy was, it was like a rancher.
Kids were coming, young men were coming to his ranch, and he was anally raping them.
And he was like a macho all-American dude who was not a child rapist, but a teen rapist.
And Ann was like, that's not a thing.
There is a thing, though, with gays raping younger men.
And so she wrote an article about that.
And I told her that I saw Law and Order once.
Did I tell you this already?
The superintendent?
Not that comes to mind.
Okay.
Get this for a plot of Law and Order.
Law and Order is over the top.
It's like the new Rambo film.
So there's this beautiful building that overlooks Central Park in New York City.
And the super of that building, I did tell you this, the super of that building is treated like shit by the rich fucking New Yorkers because that's the way they are in these fancy buildings.
They totally treat their doormen like shit.
No, they don't.
I've lived in one of those buildings.
We basically blow the doorman every time we get.
Christmas presents.
Yeah.
You know their name?
Oh my God.
My Jamaican doorman, I basically became Jamaican for him.
Hey, wagwan, man.
Wagwan, buzzer.
Me not feel why you gotta fix me, so you're the little ragged you got.
Babalan.
Hey, babalan, closer.
The system is a fraud.
I said the system.
The system.
The system is a graveyard.
You do that just when you're walking through the door, then you're like, anyway.
I was just singing Muta Baruka.
By the way, if I'm so racist, why does my doorman's face light up every time?
You don't have to do the same joke twice just because I didn't laugh.
I heard you.
I'm sorry.
So yeah, that's not a thing.
But in this episode of Law and Order, where they hate the rich, the rich are just fucking, hey, pick up my bags, bitch.
The only time I've ever heard someone in a nice building call the help slave was our room, our fellow tenant, Bella.
Bella was a severely handicapped woman who had got a settlement.
She was black from East New York and she got hit by a car, made a lot of money.
So she bought a nice apartment in our building and would waddle around the floors and abuse the black staff and call them slave.
Get my bag, slave.
Dang.
And one time she managed to pick up the phone.
We had an old-timey phone on the desk.
And smashed another black door lady.
I don't know what you call a female doorman.
And she was black in the head.
Wow.
Smacked her in the head.
You could knock her out with those phones.
It's illegal.
And everyone, all the white people and Asians in my building were petrified of doing anything about it because they might be seen as racist.
And then you know what happened to Bella?
She ran out of money.
She wasn't budgeting very well.
She would also bring home cab drivers and blow them to not pay her cab fare.
And she had a boyfriend who was like Radio Rahim.
I think I saw him once carrying a ghetto blaster like that we use on the show.
Amazing.
And he would fuck her and stuff, I guess, for money.
But like she was severely handicapped.
And she was always high and drunk.
At one point, she was smoking crack in her building.
And she went, uh-oh, I started a fire on the ground, on the carpet.
Carpet's on fire.
So yell help.
We'll get a fire extinguisher from one of the slaves at the front desk.
But you know what she does?
She takes a lighter, goes up to the sprinkler system, and just goes until it goes thunderstorm in the apartment building, floods her apartment and the neighbors.
The neighbors' parquet flooring is all buckled up.
Oh my God.
And then, so she runs out of money.
So she goes to the L-train.
This is in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
And she jumps in front of the L-train.
Wow.
But she pussies out.
She mouse pussies out and just ends up with like a sprained ankle because it was almost stopped.
And they take her to Bellevue.
And I said on the sort of chat, I go, she can't come back here, guys.
She's a danger to herself and to others.
And they go, yeah, but imagine how bad it would be for our property value if we were known as a racist building.
And I go, I said a danger to herself and to others.
Yes.
So I'm not out there to roast her.
Like, she's jumping in front of shit.
She's mental.
She has no consideration for other people's.
Wait, she has no consideration?
But that's not my point to the racist thing was we have her best interest when we say she can't come back here.
Right.
She needs to be in a mental institution.
Yeah.
It's weird, though, legally.
I mean, what do you do when a building in your apartment building, when an apartment in your building has an asshole in it?
Like, say I was stoned and I was benevolent dictator of the world.
What can you do?
It's his property.
It's her property.
She owns that apartment.
She owns the apartment.
Yeah.
Well, if you're still like the landlord, if she's still technically a tenant, you can still serve.
If she has severe damage to the property.
She's face while you say your terrible theories.
If she provided significant damage to the property or if she's breaking the law or if you got to serve her with a three-day eviction notice and then how do you evict someone when they own it?
You're thinking of a rental.
But she's still a tenant, right?
No, you're not a tenant when you own the apartment.
she owns the apartment within a building so I guess there is a Where like the person that owns a building has the co-op.
But I don't think they can kick someone out.
Because what are her crimes?
She hit the doorman lady.
That's assault.
So she assaulted someone.
She's very abusive to the staff, calls them slave.
She's weird.
She started a fire, but she could just say, I had an accident.
Why am I...
Yeah.
She's gone now.
This is from Dylan.
Hello, Gavin.
Oh, he speaks French.
I have a girlfriend currently, and I'm wondering if I should still date her.
She has a great personality, but she's not super attractive.
Like a 5.7.
I'm 16 currently, and I'm wondering whether I should go for fucking dumb hot hit chicks.
I guess he means hot chicks, in my youth.
I don't feel like I'm set for dating.
It's probably because I'm horny constantly and then I'm ogling other girls constantly.
Do people still do that with dating?
Yeah, I mean, this is tricky because I have a daughter.
So, you know, as a man with sons, I want to say just go fucking nuts, dude.
But I don't like the idea of girls getting abused by fucking these lying teenagers.
You're not, she's not the one.
At 16, she's not the one.
Yeah.
But maybe you could explain that.
Although you're never going to get any pussy if you keep telling girls, I'm just, I'm 16, bitch.
I'm here to party.
Yeah.
How about you just, just.
Maybe don't ask a guy with kids for fucking advice, okay?
You're 16.
Hey, check this out.
Well, co-op agreements vary wildly from building to building, but there's a probable clause that could spell out the penalties for you being a nuisance tenant, and it could possibly include evicting you.
They buy back your shares, of course.
Don't forget that in a co-op, you do not own your apartment.
Yeah, we're not in a co-op.
There's a board.
I shouldn't use the term co-op.
There was a board.
Okay.
But you could get that revoked, that entitlement.
But they'd have to pay you back and all that.
Anyway, it's complicated.
So why don't you give advice to this 16-year-old?
I hereby officially do not advocate what Ryan is about to say.
Okay.
What's it called?
Just if you don't want to be in a loyalty.
Look at what Ryan's doing.
He still wants to get pussy, so he's not giving honest advice.
He's trying to come across as a sweet guy.
No, that's not true.
Okay, forget you're ever going to get laid ever again and talk to him like you just landed here from outer space and you're going back to Mars tomorrow.
He's 16.
I mean, just do whatever you.
You'll learn your lessons, make mistakes, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
There is a thing, though.
I remember this in high school.
I was dating this sort of big-titted, slutty chick, and it was really bad for my brand.
And it was fucking up future fucks because I was known as the guy that took the low-hanging fruit.
So then I went out with an ugly, cool, funny chick that all the girls loved.
And then I had my pick of the litter after I had paid my dues in Uglytown.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And you know who else did that?
Is the guy from that band Bleachers who dated the chick who did girls, Lena Dunham?
The guy who dated Lena Dunham ate her out like this.
It was like fingering a mouse.
That was the bestiality conversation that Chenk was bringing up.
That's when bestiality is legal.
When you're fucking Lena Dunham for brownie points.
Oh, by the way, bestiality is a much, much more common thing than you think.
You might have thought it died out.
It did not.
The facts would make you sick.
Five years ago, you could do it in many countries, including Paragons of Modern Civilization.
That is a shock plate.
I hate the rest of the world.
So this does not shock me in the slightest.
But let's see.
Remember there was some girl who was having sex with her dog, and she YouTubed about it a lot?
She was like, I'm in a sexual relationship with my dog.
Jesus.
You got a problem with that?
Reed, here's your question.
Is it okay to have sex with my pet dog?
What do you mean pet dog?
As opposed to what?
Your friend dog?
See if you can find that girl that.
What if you jerked off a toad?
What if I wanted to fuck a doad?
Would I not split it in two?
And if that, if no, is that murder?
If you fuck a doad to death?
If I identify as a toad and I bang a toad, then you say that's crazy Dinesh.
They're fucking a toad.
But he's a toad, so.
Joe Wyman, Mets coach pissed off.
I think it would be awesome if you and Ryan did a top 10 sports episode where you react to sports vids like this one where the Mets coach loses it when Thor gets ejected.
I remember this.
This was just last year.
You did one similar in the past and it was great.
Love the show.
How many push-ups can you do now that you're on the juice?
I could probably do about 30.
In one game.
You know, I'm starting to figure out the juice.
You know how I told you I was getting kind of depressed?
Yeah.
I think it's because I was letting the horse drag me behind and I was just like, this sucks.
You got to get on the horse and recognize that you're a different you.
You're like Gav dipped in Gav sauce.
Although it was very easy to do that with Adderall when I tried Adderall.
It just came naturally.
Yeah, but it's dangerous because you can wind up doing things that you don't need Adderall for and then you're like, this is too much.
Oh, yeah.
I know guys, I tried it for a while.
In fact, I built my ad agency on Adderall.
We built this ad agency on Adderall.
But it is a wild ride.
And these guys that can just do it like 60 milligrams a day, these young people.
I've sat right here doing the job that I normally do with ad Adderall on Adderall.
And it's painful.
Because you're like, I want to do this while also blowing a horse or whatever.
Like, you have too much energy to do other things.
Okay, show the clip.
Okay, clip coming.
Why was he ejected again?
I'll read the description.
He hit the batter?
That's what I never understood about baseball.
Is 100% of the times they hit the batter on purpose?
I'm always told it is because they're that accurate, but sometimes it doesn't look like that, and sometimes there's absolutely no reason for it.
What does it say?
Noah Syndegaard threw a pitch behind the Dodgers Chase Utley during a 2016 game and was immediately ejected.
Umpire crew chief Tom Haleon takes a verbal lashing from then Mets manager Terry Collins over the decision to eject in the gas.
Little Terry Collins.
Little Terry Collins action.
Yeah, we should, but to this viewer's point, let's definitely have a sports episode.
Not in that situation, man.
You can't give it up.
It'll have to be all Mets because it's on the bottom.
That's not going to happen.
I mean, I knew you were going to say that, but that ain't going to happen.
I mean, that's the wrong time to do it.
That's all.
I'm conducting it.
It is what it is, but that ain't going to happen.
You know what I just realized?
What?
That T-Mobile banner, that is imposed via technology.
What are you talking about?
Like, look at the moves.
Not ain't going to happen.
I mean, I thought I knew you were going to say that, but that ain't going to happen.
They do that with, you know, football, too.
Like, when the, on the, they had a game in the snow, and they had to put, you know, computerized marks on the gridiron.
Yeah, we're familiar with that.
I didn't know those were.
It's cool that this is important, right?
It is what it is, but that ain't going to happen.
Marks is an attack.
We don't do something there.
I'm just telling you that.
Okay, the situation of what happened and everything else.
That's what dictates that, okay?
But there was no prior notice that before the game started.
I mean, if Harry comes into the gun and says, hey, if somebody gets hit, then that's...
Everybody knows.
Everybody knows the situation.
Terry.
I love Terry.
Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Terry, Terry.
Terry.
Terry.
Can I just say something?
I don't like that coaches wear or managers wear the uniform.
Yeah.
It looks silly.
You should have a suit on.
Yeah.
What are you all dressed up for, Terry?
You're not on the team.
It looks like you're the most out-of-shape person on the team.
And why should we respect you more?
We have a geriatric on our team.
He's usually in the dugout.
We don't really call him up much.
Teriatric.
You gotta give us a shot.
You know what?
You gotta give us your shot.
Listen to me.
Let me hear what I'm saying, okay?
You get your shot.
You had your shot right there in the situation.
Why don't you know the situation?
Why don't we get a shot done?
Because that makes it worse.
Terry, that makes it fucking worse.
I can't control that, Terry.
I can't control that.
Are they mic'd or is there a mic?
Of course they're mic'd.
What do you think?
We've invented mic droids, little tiny flies that fly into things, record them, and then fly back?
No.
Well, I thought they would.
Because in football, they have a whole net above them where a camera can move around.
Yeah, a camera, not a microphone.
You move the camera there, and I got the microphone.
As well as I do where I stand.
Terry, you know where I stand on the whole fucking situation.
God damn it, but you're better than that, Tommy.
Our ass is in the jackpot now.
Okay?
Okay, that's, I'm just telling you.
Fucking motherfucker.
You know what?
You got it.
Kind of lame revenge.
I guess Cindergaard wasn't trying to throw it behind him.
He was trying to hit him.
Hmm.
Right?
I guess.
I mean, he was revenge.
He was capitalist.
I wonder if my son is home.
I can call him.
Shush.
Okay.
I thought he would he You would know what that was all about.
Get on school.
All right.
That was fun.
Fun stuff.
Fun stuff.
We'll get the story behind that, I hope, soon.
No chance.
This guy's name is No Chance.
More proof women shouldn't be cops.
It's 11 minutes, but the good hit is the last 60 seconds.
I actually have a couple of these I've been saving.
So let's watch that.
Did you got it?
It's 11 mins.
I'll find my copy.
The last 60 seconds.
Oh yeah, this one.
This is a classic.
You like sounds?
So we got this job.
Come on.
Let's go.
Wait, go to the beginning.
Go to the very beginning.
That's interesting.
So this guy shoplifted some DVDs.
And now everyone has to die because women don't know what the fuck they're doing.
Were you at the Sphinx this morning?
Maybe.
Yeah?
Okay.
So what's going to happen next?
I'm going to read you Miranda, your Miranda rights.
Alright?
Because I have a suspicion that you stole from them this morning.
Okay?
But I'm asking some questions.
I'll be five feet tall and chubby.
She's like, remain silent.
Anything you say, cannon will be used against you in a court of law.
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I don't even know who Miranda is.
Hey.
Okay, pause.
Listen.
You know what you do now as a cop?
You step out of the house.
You call back up and you go, we got a kind of an annoying thing here.
Some guy stole a DVD.
Seems inebriated.
He just went back into his house.
Right.
That's what you do.
It's a DVD.
I'll pay for it.
Everything about that felt wrong.
You guys, obviously not of right man.
If you read Miranda writes to someone and they walk away, you're not a normal person.
So we're not dealing with a normal person.
I know they're going to make fun of you at the precinct for calling for backup for a DVD thief.
That's better than what's about to happen.
Please don't do that.
You don't walk away from me.
This is nothing sexual.
Do not leave me again.
Do you understand?
Don't grab me.
Do not run away from me.
Do not grab me.
You may arrest you right here and right now.
He gives me a max hair like his face.
Okay.
Do not grab me.
Do not walk away from me or I will put hands on you.
I will respect you and I will talk to you.
Okay, don't walk away from me.
Don't fucking grab me.
That I can't guarantee.
Don't fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't you talk to her like that?
I will talk to her.
His mother's there.
This is an oldie but a goodie.
I'm here to read you.
Do not grab me like that.
Listen, if you walk away from me, I have to lay hands on you.
Do not walk away from me.
I don't give a fuck where you are right now.
You've tried drywall so hard.
I don't give a fuck where your right is.
Do you understand?
I don't give a fuck where your right is.
Greenwood Dove's 23, I need 1041.
Do you know how shitty that would look like if you and I made it?
Sitting there cutting those pieces with the drywall tape?
But don't walk away from me.
I want to try it.
Now he's coming at his mother.
Walk out of the house at this point.
What are you going to do?
And by the way, her reluctance to call the precinct and call for backup is another reason women shouldn't be cops.
Okay, now you can start skipping.
I'm bringing you Miranda.
Are you ready?
I've seen this a hundred times.
Why would she do that?
Because it's the law, Sean.
Welcome to the law.
Doesn't make you feel good.
Doesn't make you feel good.
I like when people try to get in cops' heads.
If you feel powerful.
Like the cop's going to go.
Stop it!
Oh!
You're not my father!
No, it's not.
I'll be a powerful, dude.
Hi.
I'm Mega Man from X-Men.
I'm the guy in the wheelchair from X-Men.
And as soon as the rest of them come in, you're going in handcuffs and you're going to jail.
Who cares?
She might have called back up.
I'll wait as well.
I'm waiting outside.
They're coming.
Although, you word he's going back inside to get a gun.
Right, right.
Okay, keep skipping forward.
So at one point, the mom gets on top of him and starts fucking him.
The mom gets on top of him and uses her body to shield him.
I'm placing you under arrest.
Listen to me.
Are you going to be beaten?
Look, or you can do this.
At one point, he says, I'm stronger than you.
I'm asking you to put your hands behind your back.
I'm asking you to do this knife.
I'm asking you to do duty as knives.
I'm asking you to let me do this knife.
Let go of me.
I am stronger than you.
Let go of me.
I can do whatever I fucking want.
Let go of me.
Stop.
God in heaven.
Stop.
God in heaven.
Am I so cruel and heartless that I enjoy watching this?
Why do I feel so calm?
I feel like I'm looking through the fireplace right now.
I don't know.
I've already seen it a million times.
I know nobody dies.
Put your hands down.
I guess I'm kinda messed up too, I mean this is...
Back up!
Look, she's delirious.
Back up!
No!
You know what?
Did she accidentally fire right there?
Shots fired!
You fucking hurt my mother!
You fucking hurt my mother!
I thought that was your wife.
Just kidding.
Look at it, listen to her freaking out.
Now, this psycho is going to grab your gun and shoot you for a DVD.
just holding the woman's leg just doesn't know what to do i mean i'm sure nobody would know what to do in that moment There we go.
That's how it works.
He kicks his shoe off.
He kicks his shoe off, and that doesn't knock him out.
Tie your shoes.
Dude, you need to get into boxing.
You have an iron jaw.
If that beast kicking you in the head doesn't knock you out, look at that.
Not only did it not knock him out, it didn't phase him.
What do you think he gets for that?
Just resisting arrest, right?
And then whatever the hell is going on.
The cops are treated so badly that, yeah, they will say, well, that's the profession you chose.
So him beating you up and all that is irrelevant.
I've told you, cops have showed me bite marks on their hands where no one was prosecuted.
The only time anyone gets in trouble for hurting cop is when they spit in a cop's face.
Wow.
Where's the cop?
You can kick a cop's ass.
You can eat a pig's ass if they cook it right.
Ripox, get it, pig?
That was a Chris Rock quote.
When I had dinner with the Black Crows, with Joe Strummer from The Clash, this is in my book.
The guy, the singer of the Black Crows, got more and more black the drunker he got.
Until towards the end of the night, he was like, I'll eat a pig's ass if they cook it right.
And I go, that's Chris Rock verbatim.
Fucking piece of shit.
And then his girlfriend said, Chris gets progressively more eclisticated.
I got his hands.
Gets progressively more.
Listen, listen.
Okay.
Yes, sir.
You're all right, he says to her.
So not only does he have to handle this perp, which he just did very well, he has to console her and tell her she's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
That reminds me, we got two other Chiki Puyaya shows.
Ichiku Pak!
Ichikupak?
Ichiku Park.
I was listening to the small faces the other day, and it's amazing how much of the who you can hear in them.
Like all those songs.
Itchy Kupak isn't a good example.
Choose another Small Faces song.
Or what about the greatest hits full album?
Yeah.
Anyway, skip ahead more.
Bye.
I'm a boy, I'll shake, I'll tell you a little bit, I eat that.
I'm hearing it.
That's very who.
But you can hear where Keith Moon got his drum fills from, or maybe it was vice versa.
But I highly recommend putting the small faces on your Spotify and checking them out because they're heavily slept on.
All right, Ryan, speaking of female cops, look at yesterday's notes.
We got Female Cop Shoots Mom.
Right?
That's the video we just saw.
Yep.
And then there was Female Cops Get Beat Up.
This is from Sweden.
Sweden.
Sweden.
That's what I do for coffee.
This is what it was like when I lived in Taiwan.
I was just a criminal.
If I wanted a bike, I'd just get on it and steal it.
You know what people told me there?
They would get scooters, mopeds, with no paperwork, no insurance, nothing.
And when the cops pulled them over, they'd go, you don't speak English?
And the cop would go, uh, what?
Speak English, motherfucker.
And the guy would go, oh, and he'd go, Jesus Christ, you're pathetic.
And then the guy would be so ashamed, the cop, that he would just look down and the guy would just go, fucking vruvu.
Just verbally abuse cops.
Steal whatever you want.
I would see like a cool anti-drug propaganda banner hanging off a highway that had like a skull and crossbone and a syringe and then Chinese.
It was beautifully embroidered.
I just grabbed my knife, rolled that up.
That's mine.
You should have seen all the Chinese shit I brought back.
And then a bike.
I would just have whatever bike I wanted.
And then when I was done, I just throw it away.
You had like city bike, basically.
Before the whole city.
It was Gabby bike.
And I got to fuck any white woman I wanted.
Because all the Asians weren't interested in me because I'm hairy.
But all the white guys were with Asians.
So there's all this pickings.
All right.
Alright, so he's a jerk.
That's an inside joke.
That's on my youngest talks.
Smashing up windows.
He's a drunk, violent guy.
I don't get like this when I'm drunk.
I don't want to smash strangers' windows.
You've been bombed and you're still funny.
Who, me?
Yeah.
Like, you'll piss somewhere?
That's about as bad as you'll do.
Yeah.
Jesus, dude.
Look, bad fucking idea.
A local Good Samaritan spins him around, takes him down.
All right, you guys got it from here?
You ladies got it from here?
Yes, slavin'to kusen, tashen's wad, so bortzy bortzy gancy.
So then he goes, okay, bye.
Thanks.
And the female cop holds it.
Trust me, we got it from here.
You better get out of here.
This is a criminal.
We're trained for this.
Okay, and then he just.
These are all women cops?
Hulk mad.
These are all female cops, huh?
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I see all the hair now.
Look at.
Hulk get mad.
Are you sure that you don't want to be famous?
Three chicks.
Damn.
And when I'm watching this, I just thought, huh, I never knew that.
I can beat up three chicks.
Oh, we forgot to introduce the Ryan Shut Up thing for today.
Oh, the mailbag?
Yeah.
Yeah, poop.
Ah, poop.
Look at this.
I'll handle it.
Hey, it's like a Benny Hill sketch.
I'll put him in a headloaken.
Are you sure we didn't?
No.
Look at him.
I kind of think we did.
He's just pegging him off.
You.
How about you?
Wait, hold on a second.
Did the guy that helped knock the other guy down, now he's fighting the cop?
He left?
No, he left.
Oh.
Because they said, sir, we have this under control.
Clearly.
We're not chicks.
Oh, no.
He dropped her little baton.
She dropped her stick.
Pick up a bush.
Look at that.
He picks up a rock and they all begin running.
You know what Dinesh would do?
I'd pick up a fucking toad.
I would turn into a toad and hide under the car.
Look, they're keeping their distance in that equal.
What are you scared of a rock for?
Because it's a crazy country over there.
But if someone had a rock and they were near me, I don't...
Yeah.
I mean, it's really hard.
You'd have to be really staying there to go, boing.
I don't fear a rock.
I'm just going to come at you.
What are you going to do?
This guy can get away from getting arrested and stop confronting the police.
Look, he's bored of beating them up.
Yeah.
He really is like, what next?
He's kind of tired, but not really.
Looks like Grand Theft Auto when you're putting in a cheat code.
Look.
And he's like tactically taking apart the headlights or fixing his shoe.
Anyway, fuck you.
I gotta go home.
Yeah, this sucks.
I need a beer.
Does anyone have a cigarette?
Look how chilly.
He's just flopping back.
And they're still scared.
Yeah, they've not pursued him.
They've stopped him.
You should hire female cops.
And you should hire about 17 for every male cop because that's what you're going to need.
Sir, can you turn around but don't engage us?
Look at her with their big long hair.
Female cops should travel in greyhound buses to handle situations.
No problem, ma'am.
We're sending 37 women over there.
They're just going to sort of mob him to death like he's in the Beatles.
We're in no rush.
We're going to let him get to his apartment where he could have weapons, and we'll just be...
It's a fucking joke.
Does he come out again?
Yeah, he's still standing there over there.
He goes in, has a beer and a cigarette, then comes out to beat them up again.
You again?
Why is the guy filming as if he's hiding?
You don't have to be surreptitious, sir.
You're in a window.
Nobody's looking at you.
They're looking at the action.
Alright, we get the idea.
Let's wrap it up soon.
We got a party.
Oh, yeah.
We got partying to do, dog.
True, dad.
So true dad.
So true, dad.
Yeah.
Justin Trudat.
Justin Trudat.
That's a good name for him.
I forgot to trim that.
Thanks for showing us your dirty desktop.
It's just a regular desktop.
With all your kiddie porn all over it.
There's no kiddie porn.
All right, this is a apology accepted.
They sent this to the tech support.
I don't know if you know how to find this shit.
But it's from Free Speech.
Oh, this is back when we were called Free Speech.
TV support.
And it's from Anonymous.
And the support request is Apology Accepted.
Gavin, I've started using Apology Accepted as I hang up the phone.
I was so close to saying white power at the gym today.
It was like half black, but I knew every single person in the gym, so there was no risk of misinterpretation.
It's like, Sitter, boys, like, Seder, Gav.
And I just, I was so close to me.
All right, guys, white power.
Or I love you.
Or I love you.
You can get away with that one, but it's least fun.
Actually, there's this guy, Tommy Hydroman, Italian guy, so not anti-gay, but just like, don't fucking, like, even, I heard his sister's hot.
And I go, dude, your sister's, Gavin, you gotta fucking stop with that.
Come on.
Like, Mr. Rules.
Whenever he goes to the changing room, he locks the door.
So no one else can be in when he's in.
That guy likes butt play.
Like, Tommy, like, say you see a dick.
No, not, not the big Tommy, a different Tommy.
Hydroman, I call him, because he sweats so much.
But I'm like, say you see a dick.
You're in the changing room.
There's a dick right there.
There was a gay boxer there who he wears underwear with just a thong with these support things.
So I see his butt cheeks.
I'm not bananas about that, but I live.
And I'm like, it's like a fat person seeing you eat a cheeseburger.
He's not going to grab it.
The gayest guy in the world.
He's not going to lunge at it and start going, wah, wah, wah.
So what do you care?
It's like, yeah, you're crazy.
You won't even answer me.
But what I did with him today was I was changing, and sometimes I don't even use the changing room if there's no kids or women around.
So I just change by the ring.
And I take off my shorts, and I'm there.
I just have my underwear on.
And I come over to him, and I just start hitting the heavy bag that he's on.
And I go, I pretend that I don't notice that I'm just wearing underwear and nothing else.
And I go, you want to use, sometimes it's good to use bare fists on the bag, toughen up that skin there, you know, remind yourself what it's like without gloves.
He's like, Gavin, you're fucking crazy, man.
You're crazy.
Runs away.
Because of my underwear.
Like my penis is going to jump out and bite his face.
Yeah.
Like a little mouse pussy.
Some normies don't know how to...
He's not a normie, but you've been around comedians and people who consider themselves funny.
So, you know, the bar is set high.
I've started using Apology Accepted as I hang up the phone.
People are so confused and typically go, yeah, wait, wait, what?
Click?
Here are some other fun ones.
All right.
Here, I'll get my phone out for these.
Okay, man.
Cool.
All right.
See you later.
All right.
No, wait, wait.
Okay, man.
Cool.
All right.
Catch you.
Let's hope it's not cancer.
That's okay.
All right, man.
Cool.
All right.
Catch you.
See you at the funeral.
Yeah, that's a good one.
You know what David Sederis does to his sister Amy?
No, what Amy Sedaris did to David Sederis.
Just as he's getting off the bus and the door is open, she goes, good luck on the rape charge.
That's terrible.
All right, let me try another one.
I'll pretend I'm on the phone with you.
Okay.
All right, cool.
All right.
Okay.
Wish me luck.
That's pretty good.
Okay, cool.
All right.
I'll let you know the test results.
Yeah, that's good.
Or, and this one.
All right, cool.
Bitch, are you for real?
That's good.
Also, you should have your brother on the show.
I think it would be interesting to hear his perspective of growing up in that household.
Lastly, thanks again.
Everything for guys you do.
The show is funny, topical, and has just a round of political takes.
Yeah, great idea, dude.
I can't do that because they start harassing my brother, and then they harass his work, and they fuck with his career and get him fired.
How long have we been going for it?
We got to party.
It doesn't matter how long we've been going for.
Yeah.
It's overtime.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
And by-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we go, partying tips tonight.
Do not do shots.
Shots are stupid.
You're going to fast forward your night and get two wasted stick to beer.
But Gavin, it's New Year's Eve.
I want to party.
All right.
Fine.
You have to earn your maker's mark.
You may not do two makers in a row.
If you really want a maker's mark, you have to drink two beers to earn the right to have a maker's mark.
And that doesn't mean maker's mark now for the rest of the night.
So Budweiser, Budweiser, Maker's mark.
Now you're down to zero.
Your bank account is at zero.
You have to go back.
Budweiser, Budweiser, makers.
Budweiser, Budweiser, makers.
Because the makers takes a while to get through your system.
You don't realize how wasted you are.
Always happens.
Also, pay attention to your significant other.
If she goes, slow it down.
Then she's an expert.
She knows you.
Same ladies, if your husband or your boyfriend says that to you, he's right.
We know each other.
And if any of your buddies repeat something you said with a slur, that means you're slurring and he's making fun of you.
So you also need to dial it down.
Ladies, please don't go home alone.
What?
But that doesn't mean go home with somebody.
No, it means make sure there's an uber.
There was just two girls, drunk chicks, who died in the subway tracks being wasted.
And men, be chivalrous.
When you see a woman leaving a party or leaving a bar tonight, say, whoa, whoa, what's going on?
I know you might come across as a creep, big fucking deal.
And you say, where are you going?
How are you getting back?
What's going on?
Make sure she gets into an Uber.
Maybe a taxi we can handle if it's going door to door.
Sure.
But we need to make sure she's not walking home anywhere.
She's not taking public transit.
This is what happens to wasted chicks when they take the subway home.
Do not do it.
Please.
Naked Disney Guard among 124 charged in prostitution.
PGA golfer also.
Oh, interesting.
Also, regulate your bumps.
Remember the downer thing?
Yeah.
I made a whole episode on that.
Yeah, I should have made this the episode on that.
How to party.
Downer.
It's an acronym.
Don't.
Maybe I can find it.
See if you can find it online.
You may have to put periods in between each letter.
I remember I was trying to find that one.
Don't cock block.
This is how, I'm going to tell you the secret to partying.
It's called downer.
D-O-W-N-E-R.
Ready?
Number one, D. Don't cock block.
When you're working on a chick, your two speedboats, if this speedboat seems to be making more headway, don't fucking start ramming it.
Just go, meow.
That's what real men do.
Oh, only 13 hours.
If you start at 2 p.m. and it's 2 a.m., it's time to go.
Or sorry, 3 a.m.
I feel like I should come down on that.
That still seems like a lot.
But I remember at South by Southwest, sometimes we'd start doing, you know, Bloody Marys at breakfast at 11 a.m.
That means midnight.
You got to go home.
Nothing good happens after 13 hours.
So that's O, only 13 hours.
W, water of plenty.
You know how I said two buds and a maker's?
Oh, what's that from?
Follow the downer rules.
This is the episode number 123 of Get Off My Lone podcast, Tips for Young Men.
And then I believe you go into the Downer Rules, but they're not listed there.
No.
So W is water of plenty.
So just grab a water at some point.
If you can't think of something and you did do shots, even though I told you not to, just be like, can I get a water?
And just sort of throw it down.
You don't have to finish the whole thing.
And I know it's a pain in the ass for bartenders.
They're making a lot of money tonight.
N. Never after 4 a.m.
Nothing good happens after 4 a.m.
I think 3 a.m. really, or maybe even 2.
Like everyone's slurring their words.
Everyone's in a blackout.
Even if you get laid that night, you're getting laid with a drunk person.
I'm not even sure it's legal.
So never after 3 a.m.
And I don't care if, I know I said only 13 hours.
That was a maximum.
If you start at midnight and you still want to keep giving her at 3, no.
The answer is no.
That's N. E, eat your dinner.
I know you're not hungry.
You've been partying.
Your stomach's full of beer.
Just get a cheeseburger in there at some point during the evening.
I think Chipotle is great to sort of give your stomach a base before you start.
Get a giant burrito around 5 o'clock.
That is E. A. No, E. D-O-W-N-E.
Eat your dinner.
And R. I remembered them all.
Wow.
Nice.
R is regulate your bumps.
I don't advocate drug use, but I know it happens.
So to those people that are doing that horrible thing called cocaine, before you do a bump, go, do I really need a bump?
Do I really want a bump?
Like there's this thing about your first bump of cocaine where you go, oh, I got to do more.
Let me get some more.
More, more, more, more, more.
Really?
Do you really want more?
It must be like a 650-pound person where they're having just another chicken finger.
You don't really want that chicken finger.
You're full.
And a lot of the times cocaine can ruin your booze buzz.
I don't think it's a good thing.
It kind of wakes you up at a booze.
Yeah.
Well, like in New York, it was often used for someone who went out the night before, but then they had clients in town.
So they got, I got to be on tonight, even though I don't feel like it.
They would do it then to help for business.
But I don't know.
I don't understand the appeal.
It just kills your booze buzz.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop partying.
▲
Export Selection