All Episodes
Previous Next
Dec. 30, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
50:42
S02E105 - MAIL BAG 2019 (Part 1)
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
That was Wiley.
And the song was, what you call it, garage?
What you call it?
Two-step.
That's Wiley attacking me.
I did a pilot with David Cross in London in 2004.
And that was when the original pirate material garage music scene was big.
And Garage was, well, it started with just black kids in the projects in London playing their ringer tones.
That's why you heard that blip, blip, blip, blip.
So they play their ringer tones on a loop like blip or video game sounds, right?
Like a little Game Boy.
And they would rap over top of it.
So it wasn't really rap.
And then they would make these songs and record them, and they'd play them at radio stations, but people wouldn't play the music because it was too weird and lo-fi.
So they would have pirate stations, and they would listen, like the streets talk about that.
People would go to make out points and just listen with antennas on their cars, or they'd listen on their roofs of the projects, and they'd listen to these pirate radio stations, and these guys would come in and rap on the beats.
And it was pretty cool.
So I went there to investigate it, and they were very wary of being discovered.
Oh, I remember that guy.
It was Dizzy Rascal.
There was Wiley.
It was pretty much half black, half white, but definitely lower class, not middle class.
Although the streets were middle class.
So there were some posh guys, posh geezes.
And Wiley didn't like being called Garage.
He called his shit Eskibeat.
He's an Eski boy.
Whatever the fuck that means.
Play some of that.
Play some of that.
I make Eski girls and Eski boys.
I make Eskibeats, not Garage.
He refused to speak to me.
So the beginning of that film isn't mocking the G-Dog.
Because he's like, what you call it?
Garage?
What you call it?
Urban?
What you call it?
Two-step.
Yeah, I was trying to document it.
Sorry.
That was the death of Electroclash, too, another movement.
That was in the early aughts where I was trying to document it, get it written down on paper, you know, so you could have documentaries about it, like punk.
But they didn't want it documented, and it kind of shattered the whole thing.
Because they refused to be, you know, stereotyped, typecasted, listed.
Which I guess is cool.
Electro what?
Electro clash.
It vanished.
They wouldn't let me put it down on paper.
They wouldn't let me document it.
One time I heard a voice message that I left on my wife's phone back then.
And it said...
I'm at a pizza place.
Pizza's being eaten.
It's not being documented.
I thought that was a fun trip into the subconscious.
What does it say about ElectroClash?
Well, you can get it on Last FM and ElectroClash fuses Electro Techno-SynthPop New Wave Punk Performance Art.
Look up Fisher Spooner.
They were really the kings of that scene.
F-I-S-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N-E-R.
Casey Spooner and Warren Fisher put together this band.
It was a great time for music.
It's just no one wrote about it but Vice.
Is that the actual video, though?
I don't know.
See if there's a video for it.
Free merge.
Free merge.
Garage.
So cool.
This is the guy.
I kind of stole this from him.
He would do shows where he would like, stop, stop, stop.
You guys, get down.
Get down.
I can't see anyone there.
I'll just like stop the music.
Yeah.
Play the music.
There's Terry Richardson.
One of the best guys ever.
Totally destroyed by Me Too.
Totally innocent.
Boy, they're good at killing art.
Turn it up.
See, even in the video, they...
Stop it.
Excuse me.
You don't...
I guess that's Orange Fisher.
God, he looks young.
I can't be here.
You don't need to emerge from nothing.
You don't need to tear away.
And I said to Casey, I go, I know what that song's about.
It's about being gay and how you don't have to come out of the closet.
You don't have to identify yourself.
It's no one's business.
I love it.
And he goes, that's not what it means, but that sounds good to me.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, that's right.
Is he gay?
No, he's a quarterback for the Minnesota Saints.
It's like, technically everything I do is about being gay.
It's like a guy gay.
Wow, you got a good gay dar, dude.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Maybe he might be gay.
Now that you've mentioned it.
I wish that he would tell you.
He's like, yeah, she would emerge.
You're like, dude, I know what the song is about.
It's about being gay.
He's like, yeah, everything I do is about being gay.
I'm very gay.
Yeah, I can't not emerge.
I don't know if you've seen my face.
I have a butthole for mullets over my ears, and I'm dressed like a cockatoo.
And that's my face.
My eyeball is that butthole.
Oh my God.
Even gays are so gay, their eyes become buttholes.
That makes sense.
You have to kill animals a day.
They're trying to make vaginas all over their face.
Just in case my other ones get sore.
Vagina face, get over here.
Hey, too pretty to talk to me.
I got a bone to pick with you.
You're not allowed to do that, character.
This is a pre-taped fun show.
This is the 30th of December we're doing.
We'll do 30 and 31st in one go.
I like your new sunglasses.
And this is male catch-up.
Ew.
I'm not talking about when your dick bleeds.
Oh.
Okay, gotcha.
Or when your dick is bruised, as mine was when I tried to lift a kettlebell.
You know what happened at the gym today?
We're working out, and I tell this black guy the story because we're doing kettlebells.
And I go, see this kettlebell right here?
I lifted this with my dick.
And he goes, where?
You did that at home, right?
And I go, no, I did it right there.
And he goes, whoa!
He doesn't want to stand in the area where I held a kettlebell up with my foreskin.
Black guy?
Yeah.
Yeah, if you make them laugh in one area, they'll have to leave that area.
No, that's a different thing, Ryan.
Yeah, but this can't do nothing for you, man.
And I walked, and then they walk away as part of the bit.
No, this was he didn't want to stand where there was anything remotely penisy.
Like I'd cursed that entire area with jizz.
I just jizzed all over and it just.
Whoa!
You still slip and slide on it like Buster Keaton.
Just dick flakes, really.
That's the problem.
Welcome back to Dick Flicks, where we review gay porn from a straight perspective.
This first one is called In and Out in Beverly Hills and features John Stahn, who is a 17-inch dicked porn star who is portraying a homeless man.
Gentleman, yes, homeless man.
Homeless gentleman in this particular flick.
This is what they call a classic.
So ready?
Roll the mail!
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a deadline Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Guess how many unread letters we have?
16.
2,214.
It's sort of like the deficit, right?
What are we up to?
14 trillion?
I'll be so depressed if it's more than 14 trillion because I'm trying to exaggerate.
If it's 15 or 16 trillion, that means that I haven't looked it up in current deficit.
$700 billion in the balance.
Oh, $700 billion.
Wow, it's gone down.
That's a lot.
That's great.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, wait, National Debt Clock Real Time.
Oh, there's a cool website.
Oh, Jesus.
$23 billion.
That's billion?
That's trillion, my friend.
Oh, shit.
Wait, that can't be right.
$23 trillion?
U.S. national debt.
That's our debt.
Is that the same thing?
You don't know anything, do you?
Debt and deficit.
Oh, U.S. federal budget deficit.
Holy shit.
Wow.
What it went on.
It just passed.
Look at this.
February 13th, 2019.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
And then you have November 2nd, 2019.
U.S. national debt passed $23 trillion.
Holy balls.
Jumped $1.3 trillion in 12 months.
Woo.
I haven't checked it since it was 14.
Public holds the Russian national debt at $17 trillion.
Wait a minute.
This is getting complicated here.
So the public debt.
The public holds the national debt of $17 trillion.
All right, so that's deceiving.
The $23 involves everyone's debt to us.
$6.5 trillion is foreign.
Federal Reserve is two.
Mutual funds is two.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But the public owns $17 trillion.
So I said $14.
It's up to $17.
All right.
Let's get to the mail.
You ready?
Yep.
This is from Steven.
Hi, Stephen.
Hi, Stephen.
Spelled S-T-E-P-H.
Not nuts about the spelling.
Kind of French.
These are all Caesar 90 Day Fiancé Dosaki's memes.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Now, you're seeing this a little late, unfortunately, but this was a guy from, I would say this was the week of, the second week of December.
And it's in the thumbnail if you want to go back over.
But we talked about a fucking loser who sent $40,000 to Ukraine.
Not the Ukraine.
Ukraine.
Stop saying the Ukraine.
In the hopes that he can bone a 10, which we all want to do, buddy.
We're all on the same page.
I stole the T-Ree.
That's from Strangers with Candy.
He was invited to play a game.
That game was saw.
He is the saddest man in the world.
Not funny?
Next.
Do you even get that joke?
Yeah.
A mute gave him a silent treatment.
He is the saddest man in the world.
That's gay and boring.
What's the next one?
He got a DUI while taking his driving test.
He is the saddest man in the world.
That's bearable.
Even better.
Or squeaking by.
He won a free cruise on the Titanic.
What are you, my great-grandpa?
These are the most corniest jokebook jokes.
What's the next one?
He contracted HIV while having phone sex.
Jesus, dude, you're lame.
Not bad.
No, bad.
When his parents divorced, neither one fought for custody.
Dude, he's my age.
You're making jokes about him when he was a kid?
He was an only child, but still not the favorite.
Same joke, boring.
He was hit by a fire truck after escaping a burning building.
Holy shit.
You're like a foreigner.
When he asked Siri to tell Joke, she turned on the front camera.
He is saddest man in the world.
That's actually pretty good, that one.
Yes, it is.
He was the victim of a school shooting, despite being homeschooled.
His parents shoot him.
His crush shot him standing.
Okay, you get the idea.
Fuck you.
Wait, this one.
That's how you laugh now?
I don't have a lot of time to laugh in this world.
His phone rang at his mother's funeral.
The ringtone?
Staying alive.
Oh, my God.
He's the saddest man.
That's the worst one yet.
You are the saddest man in the world, dude.
Hey, no one's doing them anymore.
Why did you say you don't have a lot of time to laugh in this world?
Is your limes killing you?
I think so.
By the way, I paid for you to go get your bloods.
Yes, my bloods.
Did you go and get, well, it's called bloods because they test all kinds of different shit.
I haven't had time.
I don't have a car.
I don't know how to.
I need a bicycle or something.
Maybe a motorcycle.
Hey, Gavin, love the show, but holy shit.
Please teach a thing or two about how to interview someone to Milo.
He never shuts up and butchered the whole show.
This is, he's referring to the Nick Fuentes episode.
It would have been much better if you did it and other big guests in the future.
P.S. Ryan should be a fade.
What the hell does that mean?
Yep.
You should be a black wrap hairdo where it goes from bald to normal hair in a very slow progress up the side of your head.
Maybe you spelt fag wrong?
Maybe he spelt fag wrong.
Yeah, I've been thinking about doing that.
I had an idea, too, because these right versus left are so expensive.
I could book the venue from like 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
That's seven hours.
I bet I could get four interviews in.
Huh?
I'd say so.
Paying those dudes the same all day.
Damn right.
I keep them like an hour.
And then I just do people I like, like Larry Barnes, Walter Wade champion of the world.
Anthony Cumia and Coulter, one-on-one.
The owner of the comedy seller is a really fascinating, interesting dude who's not a knee-jerk level.
Tim Dylan is another great guest to get.
Dylan!
Just guys I like.
Today, the term fade more flexibly means disgrace.
Ryan should be a disgrace, so he's not a disgrace.
Thank you.
Someone wishes you sucked.
I don't wish I was a disgrace at all.
David, on the show today, when you showed that Thanos thing, you said this is an old story, by the way, so I should probably go deeper into the emails.
You said Trump isn't pompous at all, but I found a couple videos that prove you wrong.
So here is Trump being pompous.
Okay.
OK.
Proposed ban on Muslims coming to America.
Not at all.
This country, our country, and one thing I have to say.
They have tremendous relationships in the Muslim community.
Tremendous relationships.
They're great people.
But we have to get smart.
And the people that I know in the Muslim community agree with me.
Are you a bigot?
Not at all.
Probably the least of anybody you've ever met.
There was a recent mass shooting in San Bernardino.
It seems with a link to ISIS.
You have said that guns should be carried to fight back.
You know, can I just interrupt this thing for a second?
You know what's funny about New Yorkers is your status in this city is defined by your view.
And obviously the best view to get is the view of Central Park.
And I think other people would just see his view right there and go, like in Cleveland, it just means you're in a tall building and you're looking out.
So it doesn't mean anything to them.
But as a 20-year New Yorker, I see that.
And it's like being in a car town, like what I would imagine Detroit was in the 60s and seeing someone in a Ford galaxy or something.
Like you just go, that's fucking nice.
It gets brainwashed into you because I'm not a big view guy.
But like when I went to Peter Thiel's house, the billionaire, he's on one of those skyscrapers and you look out and you can see way down, you see all of Central Park.
It's amazing.
Yeah, Tiffany Corner, it's called.
He always wanted a spot there.
And he got it.
Frankly.
Frankly.
Took a lot of work.
A lot of work.
But we did it.
A lot of work.
But we did it.
We did it.
We did it.
It wasn't easy.
Flagging.
Worked really hard, Faggin.
Worked really hard.
Fucking.
Wait, Peter 2.
What?
What are you doing?
You're having a stroke?
It's a clone malfunction?
Yeah.
That's from a couple of shows back.
No.
What's the problem?
I don't know.
You made me think of something cool.
Oh, yeah.
I've never heard you say, look at this view or appreciate your surroundings.
No.
These are gay.
You really...
My favorite place to be in the world is a dive bar where you're just staring at a pile of booze with a mirror above it, and then whatever's on the TV is fucking garbage.
Because you're there in the day.
I'm a day drinker.
So it's like a soccer game I don't give a shit about, a home improvement show, a real estate show, and then like the news or the weather.
Rachel raids.
So I look at garbage all day.
Fucking crap.
And the bartender I'm talking to at Dive Bars is always a hideous old man.
You've never said, look at that view.
I ain't never said, look at that view.
That should be one of my raps.
I never said, look at that view.
I don't fucking talk like that.
Anyway, let's see more pompous dude.
Wouldn't that produce more violence?
Much less.
Look.
I'm a big believer in the Second Amendment.
The bad guys will always have guns, Barbara.
So, Paris, boom, boom, boom.
If you look at California, nobody had guns except the bad guys.
If you have three or four people like me, I have the right to carry.
I have a license to carry.
If you have people like me in that room and somebody starts shooting, I guarantee you, we're going down shooting.
You are carrying a gun now?
No, not now.
Ordinarily, do you carry a gun?
A lot of the time I have the right to carry.
A lot of the time I have the right to carry.
I saw this with George W. Bush, too, with his Texan accent.
It comes down to classism, really.
Americans are ashamed of the New York Dot Tofkai accent, because that's dummies.
And they're ashamed of the fucking Southern accent because those are just stupid rednecks.
And I'm smart because I went to NYU NYU part of the 1% The 1%.
I want to see Trump shooting a gun so bad and smoking a cigarette.
This has never occurred to me before right now.
He must all presidents must be armed, right?
I don't know.
Like what if they shoot your bodyguard?
And they're like, lights out, mother.
Frankly, wrong again.
Why do bad guys always have to say something?
What made you think that I wouldn't have a gun in my sock?
You gave me time to retaliate.
Why did you explain your plan?
Do presidents carry guns?
President of the NRA might carry a gun.
Presidents who carried guns unless president to carry gun.
Wow.
The internet really does have everything in the world.
Yeah, yeah.
Am I horny?
You were horny this morning, but you got stressed out with work and you won't be horny again until 7 p.m.
There's a lot on your mind and it is making your boner go.
Oh, dude, I know this is a cliche and this is ancient news.
True.
But my wife was snoring the other night, so I went upstairs to the guest room.
And then I went downstairs and I go, we got to do something about the snoring.
This is getting ridiculous.
And she goes, okay, I'm just congested or something.
That day, she had three ads for snoring devices on her Instagram.
Gee.
I ran to the Alexa and unplugged it.
I know you've heard this before, but when it really happens to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So now I'm going to do a thing about dry skin.
That thing's for real.
All right.
Hi, Gavin, slash Ryan.
What?
We don't need to see the red.
We got the joke.
Okay.
This is from Ryan.
Another Ryan, not you.
Oh, man.
Just thought these videos may be cool.
By the way, I've skipped a whole bunch because those previous ones were too recent.
So now I'm way back into December 5th.
Just thought these videos might be cool to watch in a GOML.
The first one is an experiment by girls where they all have to guess each other's weight and there is only one obese one.
All right, that sounds fun.
Bitch, I see you.
The second one is about a girl dating four neck beer.
Oh, we've already discovered that.
Yeah, so we're gonna be able to see.
So today I gathered eight women together for a little social experiment.
Do you like those kind of Asians?
I don't like any kind of Asian to happen.
All they know is that.
So she's hideous to you.
It's not hideous, it's just like...
She's not good looking.
I don't know that it's about to get a little uncomfortable.
First of all, how are you guys feeling?
Excited.
Excited.
Nervous.
This is so easy.
Pause.
The one on the far right is 220 pounds.
The girl next to her is 140.
I'd say 113-ish.
No.
Well, it's hard to gauge their exact height, but I'm assuming that the chick on the far right is like 5'11.
The one next to her, the fatty next to her, is like 150.
The dumpy one with the dumpy black girl with the Beyoncé hair, she's like 200 pounds.
Yeah.
And then the fit one next to her, 120.
And then the black one next to her, this is so easy, right?
Yeah.
All right, go ahead.
Hello, nervous.
Let me guess.
They air low on the fat one.
No.
Then they'll have to change their...
No, once they make their numbers, then they get to her.
I'm guessing you're 100 pounds.
No, I'm actually 220.
What?
I don't have eyeballs.
Maybe share our insecurities with each other?
Share insecurity is when you're marrying a guy named Sonny and you don't think you can sing very well.
Oh, God.
He's not great at skiing.
I think it's possible with all the internet.
That's just too easy to make.
Would you fuck that?
What if she pulls your dick off?
She wouldn't be able to do it.
It would be so weird because you'd be on top of her and then you just feel these arms.
Yeah.
What if she pulls your dick off?
Well, she wouldn't be anywhere near me, first of all.
And that's a man, right?
That's a trans?
No, that's a chick who took tons of testosterone.
I don't know.
Look at that bicep and the arm.
No, I can't.
I can't believe that.
No, that's a man body.
It's not a man.
That's a man frame.
It's a woman who's taken testosterone.
She's a bodybuilder.
Huh.
You're it.
I think it's tough now with all the internet.
Do you guys ever judge people based on how they're doing?
Okay, can you go forward a little bit?
God, women and liberals, which are the same thing, are so slow at doing stuff.
You know what I mean?
They don't get to the point.
We just want to see the fatty.
Wait, go back to those weights they showed.
Yeah, that's coming up.
First, we have Kobe and Paloma.
Did they guess already?
We have Rachel and Raisha.
Like, go to the thing where they showed all the weights.
Even though.
People just listening to audio must be confused here.
Where was it?
You don't even remember roughly where it was?
Yeah, it's ready there.
to show it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I said.
Yep.
Wow.
It's obvious.
I thought she actually didn't break 120, but you know.
Which one?
The fit one.
Yeah.
Well, she's got a lot of muscle.
Yeah.
And she's probably like 5'6?
I'm really surprised that one is 117.
That short girl?
Well, when you're short, there's not a lot of you, as you may have noticed when you look in the mirror.
But she looks thicker, but okay.
Yeah.
How do you guys feel?
All right, where is this going?
I want to see a fat person get embarrassed.
I think it's really.
Aren't fat people sick of being embarrassed?
It must be like having a black name and constantly spelling stuff all the time.
No, Shaniquanzanze.
No, S-H-A-N-Q-U-A-N-Z.
they must forget it sometimes.
Rachel with a Y. So they have another group, I think.
This is boring.
This is the part where they get it.
We kind of had similar body height.
Yeah, like style.
I think we're both pretty curvy.
We have more weight down in our lower parts.
Fat ass.
Yeah, I was initially drawn to my partner because we're both the same height.
So I was like, okay, yeah.
And then kind of worked my way down.
Phasians are my shit.
I'm going through a phasians fade.
Phase fade.
All right, that sucked, Ryan.
Thank you for that.
This is from the Yankee Doodle Dandelion.
Ah.
Ryan's mailbag.
It fucking sucks.
I want that half an hour back.
Ryan, you are not funny.
You suck.
Oh, man.
If you ever kill yourself, you should safety pin this email to your jacket.
I would only kill myself to shame that person and do that.
I would only kill myself as a prank.
You should.
In your face, Yankee Doodle dandelion.
Yeah.
Don't bring your stupid, boring millennial friends on.
He sucks.
Your new sunglasses suck.
What?
What are your new sunglasses?
That guy is mean.
Hey, dudes.
By the way, you know the problem with this show is we didn't leave ourselves enough room to do other shit.
Like, we don't have time to do sketches.
We don't have any shows.
But we have like some Christmas episodes banked.
You're seeing this on the 30th.
But we don't, I realize, like, say you go to jail.
I don't have a plan B. And I want to shoot so much shit.
Like, even you and Gary reading the mail.
Yeah.
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do, boss?
Let me at him.
I fucking let you at him last time.
You messed up, Christopher.
T. T. What do we do, T?
Presidents who carried guns and last president to carry a gun in the office, Cedd Roosevelt, Joy Eisenhower, and Ronald Wilson Reagan and more.
Joy Eisenhammer.
I had a stroke.
All right.
Hey, dudes.
This is from David.
So in this clip, Joe Biden calls this audience member at 155.
Look, fat, look.
This is after spending 90 seconds berating him like the villain of an 80s ski resort movie.
Apparently, Joe couldn't stop thinking about how chunky the guy was, and the word fat just appeared in the sentence.
Epstein didn't kill himself.
I like you more than a friend.
And this guy has sent us this video without the video in it.
Now we have to guess.
Thanks, reader.
No, I've seen this.
Yeah, I think you're right.
It's that one.
You're a damn liar.
And a dick.
And you want to check my shape on?
Let's do push-ups together, man.
Let's run.
Let's do it together, man.
Let's do push-ups together, man.
Hey, you want to do push-ups together?
No one has said my son has done anything wrong, and I did not an answer.
Just pause.
No one said your son did anything wrong.
Nobody said that?
No one's not said that, Joe.
Your son knows nothing about mining yet was making $50 a month as a consultant at a Ukrainian mining firm.
A gig you set up for him.
That's as wrong as wrong gets, my boy.
That's like Uday Hussein wrong.
Uday Hussein.
Why are you Uday?
And no one has ever said it.
That's really rude.
He's doing this whole speech, and then there's a woman dancing in the background, the back right.
It's like she's trying to tell him something.
There's a time and play.
Oh, yeah.
Shut up.
She's like, that's Joe Biden.
He's the VP.
Shut it.
Clearly, she's Italian.
It's funny, you can always spot the Italians in the audience, can't you?
Hey, whoa, what's this guy over here talking away?
This guy's a fucking total C-word.
But you and me, we're going to talk about that.
We got to get a lot of money.
We got guns shooting each other, flapping around like a bird.
Holy shit.
Okay, fine.
155.
Oh.
Jesus Hayfat.
Oh, poo on you.
No, it's supposed to be at 155, but I'm sure there's a million recordings of this, so the odds of it being 155 are pretty low.
Well, that's a really bad quality one, frankly.
Anyway, fuck you, David Harris.
Yeah, you piece of shit.
You fucking loser.
You suck.
But yeah, that's interesting that he said fat look.
He stuffed fat in the word look.
Look, fat.
Look, fat.
Look.
That's sort of like, remember that guy who we had on the other show?
What, you're guessing that it's 155?
We said fuck.
No, fat.
Look, fat.
Look.
Let him go.
Let him go.
Look, the reason I'm running is because I've been around a long time and I know more than most people know.
And I can get things done.
That's why I'm running.
And you want to check my shape on it?
Let's do push-ups together here, man.
Let's run.
Let's do whatever you want to do.
Let's take a moment.
Someone has said my son.
Number two.
Number two.
No one has said my son has done anything wrong.
I did not answer.
No one has ever said it.
You said I set up my son to work in an oil company.
Yes.
Didn't that what you said?
Get your work straight, Jack.
You run that on MSNBC.
You don't hear that on MSNBC.
You did not hear that at all.
But you heard me.
Look.
Okay, I'm not going to get in an argument with you, man.
Well, I don't want to.
Well, yeah, you do.
Guys got no adrenaline control.
What a pussy.
Imagine being scared of Joe Biden.
Jack.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway, that's funny, but that reminds me.
Remember that guy we had on the show a long time ago?
That video we were watching where he's interviewing the girl from.
Oh, yeah.
How do you stay hard?
How do you stay hard?
How do you keep a hard face?
Yeah.
How do you keep a hard face?
How do you keep my heart on on your face?
Here's him saying fat.
Oh, there it is.
You found it.
Nice.
Was it at 155?
No, this is 218.
This is a different clip.
But let's hear it at MSNB Squad.
Look, Fat.
He tries to get away from.
Dude, you can't run a country if you can't run your own mouth.
And if you did say it, stand behind it.
Look, Fatso.
All right, this is from Jake.
It's just a video.
Do you have that one?
I know I'm not giving you a lot of...
Jake Chandler.
Okay, got him.
December 5th.
We got like 15 emails in one day.
Let me just tell you how many emails we get a day.
You ready for this?
This is December 5th.
Ready?
Oh, my God.
It goes on and on and on.
All right.
Ready?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 23, 21, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 67.
37.
We got about 37 emails a day.
So this guy just sends us a clip of some drunk chick.
You got it?
How did you get this shit out of the dude?
No, this is not.
This was December 5th, Jake Chandler.
Or has he sent us a bunch?
December 8th?
No, December 5th.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I got the wrong one.
Jake Chandler sends a lot of stuff.
Okay.
So you showed it there.
I just saw it for a second.
It's the woman in the alleyway.
Oh, I sent it twice.
All right.
So nice, they sent it twice.
Hey.
I was watching Goodfells the other day, and they say Johnny two times because he said everything twice.
That must be a pain in the ass after a while.
It is.
It is.
I cured this stick.
Cured this stick.
But now I still got to say it.
It's not going to say it.
Still got to say it.
Still got to say it.
How to get a crackhead off your front porch.
Why are middle-aged women doing crack?
You should be baking cookies for your grandchildren.
Hello.
Where?
I'm Dollar Billions.
And this is called How to Get a Crack Head Off Your Motherfucking Front Porch.
Why are the poorest named dollar billions and have tattoos that say cash with a dollar sign?
Irony.
You want to make cash?
Get involved in finance.
Work at Wall Street as an intern.
It's not fun at all.
See?
I'll be right back.
It's about 60 degrees.
Yeah, that's boiling.
Early in the morning, Christmas Eve.
And this type of shit you got to deal with in a trap.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody knows too damn early for this shit.
y'all saying 60 degrees Wouldn't it be cool to sit and transcribe this and try to formulate, you know, her point?
That abooted that.
Frankly, trying to walk by, trying to do my best.
She had a really profound point.
And facts are secondary.
I'm not sure people care about facts.
They don't want to know the actual data.
Especially when people are confronted with data that contradicts their belief, they tend to become more than fashion their beliefs.
So you can tell them the truth, but they're not interested.
No, not interested.
No, I want to hear it.
Don't want to hear it.
That's me on crack.
Oh, crap, like it.
I splashed you with the fucking hoes already.
You did, honey.
Morning, I said your ass thorough hole.
Let's see, buddy, the best thing on one of the goddamn people.
I've been listening to this shit since about two in the fucking morning.
You know what I'm saying?
And this is what we did, right?
You dressed like a Ghostbuster?
Oh, no, no, no.
No way!
Why you bitch!
Let's go!
Wrong jet, dude.
This strategy is also effective against punk rock hoes that will not get off your dick.
Have a nice day.
Share and go.
Okay, rules.
Real good shit.
This is from Gio.
What show slash YouTube video does the...
Spooky.
Yeah!
What show does that come from?
That comes from the show Harry and Paul.
Harry Enfield and Paul something.
One of the funniest shows in the world.
It's a sketch show, a comedy sketch show from Britain.
That is probably my favorite.
And this particular clip, they're making fun of Scots in England who won't shut up about Scotland.
And believe me, I know these men intimately.
My dad left Scotland because of these people.
Believe me.
Really?
Aye, only in England.
Aye, not in Scotland.
No, in Scotland, the weather's very, very pleasant indeed.
Whereas down here in England, it's quite to the contrary.
Oh, yes.
Everyone's seen this, of course.
Look up Harry and Paul 40, 45.
40, 40, 45, 45 years old, 40.
How old were I heard old Jerry popped his clogs the other night?
How long have you known Jerry?
Well, I don't know.
40, 40, 45 years, 40, 40, 45, 40, 40?
45 years.
Look at their ears.
29 minutes past six, Charles.
No, no, is that?
Yes, of course.
Goodness me, no.
Please.
Thank you.
Goodness me, no.
Please.
I've actually come into my sad news, Charles.
Poor old bunny Armstrong Miller popped his clogs last night.
Popped his clogs.
That means died.
That sounds like it, yeah.
Yeah, I guess you take your clogs off when you die.
If I died, I would never want it to be expressed as I could do my clogs.
I'm going to get my grandfather's watch fixed.
I didn't know you could put it in your top suit pocket.
I even bought the chain the other day.
Nice.
Oh, that's terrible news.
I could do with a brandy.
Is it that time?
6:30, yes.
He had a pair of conch-toes in the night.
Thankfully, it was very quick, but poor Joyce is in a terrible stool.
Oh, it must have been a terrible shock.
Oh, Joyce.
Can you hide me so I can see his pocket for a second?
Oh, it must have been a terrible shock.
Yes, a frightful.
Right there?
Oh, so it's attached to a button that's on his lapel.
I always wonder what that button was for.
Quite interesting.
Frightful business.
How old was Banner?
Oh, He was only 85.
Still very young.
Oh, poor Joyce, you'll be at a total loss.
I mean, after all, they've been married for what, 40, 45 years?
40 or 45 years.
40 years, 45 years.
40, 45 years.
40 or 45 years.
40, 45 years.
How long have you and Caroline been married?
40 years, 45 years?
Oh, 40 years, 45 years, 40.
40 years.
45 years.
45 years.
40, 45 years.
What about you, Charles?
It's 40, 45 years.
40, 45 years.
445 years.
40, 45 years.
40, 45 years?
40, 45 years.
Terrible, five, terrible shock.
Terrible shock.
Do you have another, these other two guys where they sit there and look at the paper at a club, like a country club, and they're looking at, they just look at celebrities in the newspaper and they go, this guy, this chap, Prince Andrew, has he a queer?
Just look up Harry and Paul Queer.
Yeah.
Yeah, yes, yes.
I do believe he has a queer.
And then he has a red mark and he just circles and then writes queer.
Yeah, again with the huge yellow.
Ian Hislock.
Yes.
Jesus.
Is he a queer?
Well, he's on television, isn't he?
Yes.
So I should think he probably is a queer, yes.
He does look like a queer, doesn't he?
He looks like a queer.
And he sounds like a queer.
He sounds like a queer.
I might sound like a queer.
And he looks like a queer.
Andy's on television and I just think he's a probable queer, wouldn't you agree?
If he looks like a queer and sounds like...
Look at his little face, dude.
Yeah, it's so enduring.
And he sounds like a queer.
He sounds like a queer.
I mean, he sounds like a queer, and he looks like queer.
Andy's on television and I just think he's a probable queer, wouldn't you agree?
If he looks like...
All right.
So that's what it's from, boys.
If it looks like.
Yeah, there's so much fucking hilarious shit out there that people have forgotten.
Like Strangers with Candy, I highly recommend you revisit those shows.
Or Harry and Paul.
And another wonderful show that's on now on Netflix is You Have to Leave, You Gotta Leave.
Like there's some shit sketched there because Netflix is concerned with political correctness and affirmative action.
So they don't have the meritocracy of true humor with most of their shows.
Who does you gotta leave?
It's this guy who knows all the SNL casts, but he wasn't hired at SNL because he's too ugly.
And I have to admit, I didn't bother looking at this show because I saw his face and it looked ugly and my subconscious said, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Not that I'm anything to write home about.
But it's like, you have to leave.
I just typed in.
I typed in you got to leave and nothing popped up here.
Let me just type in leave.
Or sketch show.
There it is.
I think you should leave.
I think you should leave.
Yeah, I see.
Yeah, I passed it too because I was like, ew.
Yeah, that guy has a weird nose.
I'm not watching it.
It's really fucking hilarious.
Interesting.
And so it's a...
Your toilet can't suck them down and you feel sick to your stomach.
Has that ever happened to you?
Call me right now.
Yeah, that one is a lawyer thing.
Has this ever happened to you when he starts out with a normal thing about two contractors come to your place?
And then it keeps going and going until it's they replace your toilet with another toilet that has an opening only this big.
So it's only good enough for farts.
And they're jumping on the here.
Go back to that actually.
You got to see that.
They're jumping on the furniture and then you want to join them, but they won't let you.
And they say, this is just for us.
Yeah, around there.
My house is fast.
The doorway's shouting at you.
His friend's foot's stuck in the toilet.
And he says, help him.
You got to help him.
And when you go in there to help him, he just pulls it out easily and laughs because his foot wasn't stuck.
It wasn't stuck at all.
He was just faking it.
And then they get really serious and say it's turbo time.
And they both start running around the house as fast as they can and jumping over the couches.
But when you try and jump in, they yell at you and they say, you're not part of the turbo team.
Don't run.
You don't run with us.
We're the ones who run.
Until you're part of this turbo team, walk slowly.
So you go lay down to be by yourself and read your art books.
But then the next day you went into the bathroom and it looked like to read your art books.
Art books.
Great guy, by the way, art books.
This is from abroad.
I feel like, and I don't mean far away.
I feel like we used to have more females.
Oh my God, my six-year-old says that so often.
I feel like we used to have more chicks writing in and calling in.
We probably shamed one pretty hard, so then they were like, well, I'm not going to try.
Did we?
I don't know.
We sure were mean.
I sure was mean to that old lady at Grand Center.
If we didn't, we sure should have.
How did you feel when I was calling that old lady a cunt at Grand Central?
Just mildly uncomfortable, but I was like, I had nothing to say.
She looked at me and I was like, I'm not even here.
What do they call her?
An inoculant sal?
When you said feckless, I felt feckless.
That the word.
You felt a feckless sal.
Sal.
Sal really pissed her off, too.
You could see her go after she got sal.
She wasn't fat at all.
I think that was crafty.
She was like, cunt, whatever.
I used to live in Britain.
I can handle it.
But Sal?
I'm not fat.
All right.
This is from a chick named Christine.
Hey, Gavinsky.
Been a member for a while.
I'm a Spanish teacher, chick, and love you and Ryan and your show.
I try to put in some Gavin humor in my ninth grade classes.
I also tell the students that they need to get over it when I joke to them.
You're going to get fired, lady.
Actually, it's impossible to get fired as a teacher, especially if you're Hispanic.
You have a lot of Gen Zers that love you, like me.
I watched 90 Day Fiancé and you were spot on.
My fiancé rolls his eyes and my girl crush on y'all.
Keep it up.
And I wore my clown world Shirt during superhero t-shirt day.
Wow, that's a nice letter, wasn't it?
The symbols.
It's pronounced symbos, but you're handicapped, so I'll let it go.
The symbols.
All right, how are we doing for time here?
We should wrap it up shortly.
We're at 4 and 5.
45 minutes?
Yes.
40, 40, 45.
Oh, my God.
Why did I not do that?
40, 45 minutes.
45 minutes, 40, 50, 40, 40 minutes, 40, 45 minutes, 40 minutes.
We should make these two shows today and tomorrow.
The mailbag shows, 40, 40, 40, 40, 45, 40, 40, 45 minutes, 40, 40, 40 and 50.
45, 40, 45, 45, 45, 40, 45, 45.
All right, last letter.
Richard Maxwell.
I'm assuming the spectrum of looks is like a bell curve.
How many tens are there on Earth?
There is spelled wrong.
How many nines?
Nines is spelled wrong.
You don't need an apostrophe.
Would you see per day, per 1,000 people?
I think if we answer these questions, people can be a lot more precise in their ratings.
I know there is an art to this, but there has to be a good amount of science too.
Shirley, I like you more than a friend.
You bring up a lot of big topics, my friend.
A lot of big questions.
I'm going to go tell you the science of this, but I have to use my gut because there are people that say you should see 110 and 11 a lifetime and the bell curve is an entire life.
There's others that say the bell curve is a month and you should see 11, 110 a month, and then like say we see a thousand people a month, you're going to see like 400 fives.
And that's the way it plays out?
I'm going to say that the bell curve goes over the span of a year.
And you should see one 10 a year and one one a year.
Now, if you see, does that change the scale?
Like, do you mandatorily have to see a one or typically you should see a one?
Well, there's a way to work it backwards.
Like when you see a six, you know what a six is.
So you can say, all right, I've seen a six.
So that should sort of tell you what a 10 is, right?
And then you could just mark on your calendar, I've seen, if you see three tens a month, that's possible.
See, now you get into, well, what if you live, like, what if you're Terry Richardson and you photograph models for a living?
Is your bell curve, your bell curve might be a day at that point?
Cause you're probably seeing a 10 a day.
I guess it starts with that.
I don't know, man.
See what I mean?
It's such a weird science.
And the fun thing about the one to tens is you, I'm talking about it now like I'm talking about guitar solos.
And those are things that I don't understand.
I can't play the guitar.
I don't know what a guitar solo is.
I can't figure out how you get the me, me.
So I just give up.
But when you go out onto the street, you, you look at a girl or a man and you go, seven, 4.6.
You just know.
So it's sort of like me picking up a guitar and going, I don't, what is this?
You just can play a guitar.
It's the weirdest.
I can't explain it.
That wasn't a tasteful solo, though.
Sorry.
Do a tasteful solo.
I apologize.
I apologize.
Now you can put the zhoom in there.
That's Ryan.
Always putting the zhung in there.
That sounded like a corny blues sitting on the front porch solo.
It was like R&B-ish, but...
Say you live in an island.
By the way, I was doing Led Zeppelin.
So I'm sorry, Jimmy Page is so corny while you're playing fucking Blues Traveler over there with Hootie and the Blowfish.
Well, the thing is, once you're a guitarist, you can kind of judge guitarists that otherwise would be legends or whatever.
Yeah, Jimmy Page sucks.
Fucking blueshammer rules.
All right, folks.
So yeah, your question is very hard to answer.
And I do know the answer in my bones, but I don't know.
My brain doesn't know.
Let's just for now say you should see a 10 a year.
Okay?
And I live in New York City, by the way, where we are replete with fucking knockouts.
A 10 is a woman where you would, as I said in the previous episode, kill your whole family on Christmas Day to have her, and it would be worth it.
Like, you would drop everything for her.
She would be like an angel.
Heaven.
I would do that for a three.
If I'm in the right mood.
What if you're on an island, right?
And there's only a certain amount of people there and you will never.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
I saw a point in the morning now.
▲
Export Selection